Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S04 EP37: There's been a lot of chat about death...

Episode Date: June 7, 2022

S04 EP37: There's been a lot of chat about death...More (mis) adventures in parenting and beyond from Rob and Josh...Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks Rob + JoshBIG NEWS.... we're writing a book! ⭐ All the stories we can’t tell on the podcast – in depth.⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents)⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them... [e-mail]'s it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)?And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick?Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike.Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here: https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBookIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellMAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... OK, so, say Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. And Josh Whittacombe. Josh Whittacombe. OK, and now the girls, just naturally need to say it. Go on.

Say Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. And Josh Whittacombe. Josh Whittacombe. Say it again. Say it again, Josh Willikin Willikin Great thing about the length of that one, Rob, is as it was happening, I thought we're going to have to do

less than normal on this show. I could see it was still going on because I can watch the progress bar. I was like, fucking hell, there's still something to go. That's like when i used to do zoom corporates in covid where you do gigs to companies and then i'd always get a little bit of information about them and there's one bloke went oh you got i didn't didn't you like poo yourself on the way home from something you went yeah and he just told a five minute anecdote and i just listened

and i went i was thinking that i need to send him a split of this I couldn't believe it it's like booking Miriam Margulies whenever there'll be certain people that come on The Last Lag and I think

fucking hell come part two I don't need to speak again this is brilliant you're one of them Rob I know very much Professor Bubbles get drafted in when someone's on to talk about

their really deep emotional film on a chat show. I'm there and then I have to try and pick the mood up with a little anecdote about baby powder or something. Falcon powder. How are you, Josh? Oh, do you not want to know? I'll just give you the... I'm sorry, yes.

No, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. It's not your fault. Hi, adore my bi-weekly check-ins with PH Podcast and all the real-life juggle struggle sharing. Is that a phrase? Juggle struggle. Juggle struggle. Wow.

Can you juggle, Rob? No. No, I can't, actually. And I've just always thought, I'm quite boringly efficient, and I think, when will I need that? I've got a lot to do. There's a lot I don't do.

You know what I mean? And I think there's other things I need to get on top of before juggling I'm not saying I'm ruling it out but it's not up there

on my to do list on juggling Rob so I'm doing I'm doing Glastonbury in three weeks you're doing juggling is that how you get on the special act

no but I'm on in the cabaret the comedians get put in the cabaret tent so there's all kinds of like other stuff going on. Shitter stuff. Yeah, like, there'll be a guy spinning plates.

Anyway, get this. I just thought I've got to share this because it's perfect content. So I'm sure they'll find out that I'm mentioning it on the podcast. I've been polite to them. But I think it's a bad plan. My friends are taking their three-month-old to Glastonbury. Pricks. Idiots.

Absolute idiots. I went to Glastonbury once. I hated it. No offense. It was awful. It was just too big. It's not for you, Rob. Just loads of people pretending

they're having the greatest time of their life. It is the greatest time of your life. It's so good. Do you know why it's so good for you because the rest of your life's so shit josh okay so you have these four days 40 weeks a year on holiday to avoid living in zone five touche fair point that is a fair point yes i do there isn't much to do where i live but that's i've got a drive though josh i've got a drive yeah sure i don't ever leave my drive to go anywhere because there's nowhere good to go but I've got a drive okay um no I just found

Glastonbury a bit smug for me Josh I couldn't deal with it yeah oh oh that's why I love it but there were people there though with babies with them stupid ear defenders on but it feels like it's a bit of a aren't I it's like an aren't I crazy badge of honor take your kid to Glastonbury I don't think these people even are doing that. I just think they don't realise how difficult it's going to be. Have they been before? Yeah, they've been before. They've got a cottage off site. They're going to be taking the baby home every night

and then coming back to site. Can you imagine being in a field of 100,000 people, watching Paul McCartneyney and you've got a baby that needs changing yeah but everyone smells of shit so i'll be fine oh this is lovely good stuff this is really good it's actually quite good it's basically the home of three month old humans now i maybe i just had a bad experience in glastonbury so maybe i'm skewed but i got booked to do it um and i i don't know why i just did it because i wanted i wanted gigs i did it years ago and i got booked i thought a midday it was midnight i got there at

11 a.m had to wait for 12 hours and then i had to drive home it was awful i'm on at 1 30 in the afternoon friday i just i just can't be bothered camping i don't know if it's like a like a working class but i don't think working class people really like camping because when you're working class you sort of do camping because you can't really afford to go away on holiday and then you're not really doing it properly because you haven't got all the gear and then i've just spent 20 years sharing a room with my brother i don't want to sleep in a tent with him i'll be honest we camped when i was a kid and i enjoyed it because i was a kid and you enjoy things like that when you're a kid but my plan is to never

camp until i die so you're not taking kids you're just going you and rose just go babysit that'll be fun though yeah for you i wouldn't i wouldn't like to do that but then that's why we're different isn't it josh different strokes do you know what rob that's what makes this podcast appeal across the board some people hate you some people hate me it's perfect let's let's be let's be clear about this we we are hated by a select number of the country however the ratios work whoever hates me likes you whoever hates you likes me and as long as we don't one of us doesn't talk for too long they won't tap out out. Exactly, exactly. That's how this works. Always disappointing when I meet a friend and they say that they like you

because it does make me worry about what they think about me. I remember once in Edinburgh, there was a gig and there was a real rowdy, horrible stag dude going in and I was walking along with you and James Acaster and we was all going, oh God, this is going to be so tough, it's it's gonna be so bad they're so drunk and rowdy and you both went you'll be all right rob and i was like what's that about me your patients called them actual scum oh stay and i'm disgusting people you'll be all right rob don't worry about it oh sure fine you could handle yourself in the clubs to be fair i did smash that gig and the same as when i did the butlins comedy

weekend oh my god i died so hard at butlins did you yeah all right oh that was me and i i feel like i'm ringing up steven mower and going let's go in on this together because that day are my people i destroyed that gig late night gimp fight still say it's the hardest gig they've ever done going on butlins after i did it oh my word they're sketches they're brilliant late night game fight but as a butlins goer it doesn't scream butlins does it no um but anyway um i don't know how we got onto that sorry anyway i was just telling you i'll update you on these people with the three-month-old baby i just think it's a bad decision yeah oh oh rob it's an awful decision and i can't wait to watch it unfold

well there's nothing better than being away from your kids watching people still be with them but having no guilt i tell you what i'm not doing rob yeah holding no absolutely not no you won't be in a fit state to i won't be in a fit state to hold rob how long are you going for thursday to sunday morning right and then coming back sunday morning all, right, okay. Yeah, so Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I touched my child over Diana Ross. But not over Paul McCartney. Isn't that bad? See, I just think, Josh,

if you can get... Children, even. I shouldn't have said child. What an idiot. That's bad. Was it because you forgot you had two? Oh, dear. I hope you've got cover for two.

Cover? Is that how you call it? It's like we're not trying to get up a radio show. You've got cover. Hi, Gary Davis in here for... Tom Allen's doing it. Tom Allen in here for Josh and Rose Whittacombe. We've got two lovely kids.

We'll be keeping you updated. Here's Duran Duran. Do you reckon... If I said to you Gary Davis is looking after my children for the next three days, would you be confident? I'd trust him. Oh, thanks, Lou. Lou's just brought me a hot water with lemon and honey. Thanks, you are great thanks babe thanks just a bit oh that was quite a slam

of the door felt frosty that felt frosty i'll be honest with you i'd have that water quite quite swiftly because i think the temperature will be lower than you think it's going to be rob would you know would you know what it's a bit like you know like back in the day it was a bit old-school and sexist where it's like women you should sort of make men tea right you know like my mum and dad's generation older than that like and uh you know it's that old classic give us a cup of tea and it's like they just bring in food and drink and stuff which what is wrong and it should be totally 50 50 but I feel like Lou's gone the complete other way where it's if I ever say can I get a cup of tea it's like what you're like oh right no it's just like i'm in the middle of something i've made you one earlier is it it's quite a loaded phrase

isn't it because of that because it's got those connotations of the olden days and my accent because my accent does feel like it could just be a cup of tea babe yeah babe eight sugars first year first year i'm first i'm drying up here cup of tea babe do you know i mean it sounds it sounds bad but i was literally i've got a sore throat i'm recording the pod and she was making a cup of tea babe do you know what i mean it sounds it sounds bad but i was literally i've got a sore throat i'm recording the pod and she was making a cup of tea and i said can i have one and i feel like i've been bad it's all right i haven't been bad no you haven't been bad you should feel like it's macaulay culkin's brother in succession when he's trying to get um jerry to tell him off so he can have a wank you feel like that guy you feel like i am that guy

you gotta do what you gotta do so i don't know what was talking about i know so i'll say if you're going away for three nights i would just be inclined just to go somewhere you chill out and go to a spa or relax or go abroad to the seaside do you want to know how excited i am rob i've not been since 2016 so what is it you're excited about at Glastonbury? Rob, the last time I went was two days after Brexit. Oh, it's going to hit you hard. Last time I went, I was driven down by Mr Joe Beckett, the broccoli barber. Yes!

Yeah, my brother drove you down from last leg, didn't he? Yeah. But now, this is the first Glastonbury in a decade with no last leg on the Friday. I think you're going to find it tough. I think I'm going to find it tough, Rob. I don't think you've got the sea legs for it. I do want to know how excited I am every day. I just, when I get excited about things, Rob,

the way I talk about it... You clap your hands, or is that nerves? No, no, that's nerves. When I get excited, I just talk about... Do you put water behind your ears? No, that's nerves as well. You do do that? I do do that, yeah.

The bird bath You tap water on your fingers And put it behind your ears And you're nervous don't you It's a pulse point It's a pulse point Did you do that the first time You had sexy Rose

Hold up Rose I'm a bit nervous It feels like Larvae the Apollo first time Water behind your ears Let's go Get that hair wet Clap the palms

Widow comes in Yeah Yeah Exactly And he's out What behind the ears? Let's go. Get that hair wet. Clap the palms. Widder comes in. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And he's out. Well, we're still wet behind the ears. He's finished. But when I'm excited about something, Rob, all I do is I talk about the practicalities of it.

The logistics, yeah. The logistics the whole time. So I was just in the kitchen the other day. I said to Rose, so what drinks do you think you're going to drink on the different days of Glastonbury?

And she's like, I don't care. You know, like, you know, like when you... I don't care. I don't care about this. You know, like when you fancy someone and you keep bringing them up

in conversation. Like, I'll steer the conversation around to Glastonbury at all times. You fancy Glastonbury? I fancy Glastonbury. So all I do is, like, I'll look at the different stage times and then work out what I'm going to go and see. So will you be strict with that when you get there? No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's just an excitement thing about looking forward to it. Let's be very clear, I'm not that guy. The way to do it is pick three or four things you definitely want to see that are your red lines. Everything else, go with the crowd because it's better to be with your friends at something you're not that fussed about than be stood on your own

at something you really care about, I think. Okay. Well, I'll tell you what. If there's any listeners going to Glastonbury for the first time, I'll email in some questions and Josh can help because you are a bit of an expert. listeners go into glastonbury for the first time uh i'll email in some questions and josh can just can just can help because you you are a bit of a expert and do come and see me at 1 30 on friday

1 30 p.m on friday yeah okay cool and then you can really go for it so you're gonna be quite sober and i asked to go on first on friday well enjoy it josh i'm glad you've got that to look forward to i didn't intend to talk about it on this so what are you how you been though because you was you had quite a stressful yes so it's been a very stressful week let's talk kids let's talk kids and cats so there's been a lot of death chat in the my daughter's just got into death uh she's into death and the queen at the moment which obviously is a worrying combo at the moment as well yes you're aware i think she'll be all right the queen but yeah like yeah, like, she's 96, so it is inevitable. I know no one wants to talk about it.

I don't want to seem disrespectful. No, no, no, no, no, but, you know. She's got two arms and two legs and she's shit. She's human. Exactly. I forgot you played the Jubilee. How did that go down? She's got two arms, two legs and she's shit.

Here is Adam Lambert and Queen. Here's Mabel anyway so my daughter's talking about death now partly because understandably she asked Rose's mum what the signs were

on benches she was on a bench and she was like what's that and her mum said oh that's someone who's died this was their favourite bench

and then my daughter was asking us about death and then she was like is the queen gonna die is you know are you gonna die am i gonna die and you have to say yes but in a very long time and then she just looked but just don't say what yes like hurriedly yeah if you don't bloody shut up you are right yes yes you are move so she was like am am I going to die? And you go, yeah, yeah, yeah. But years away, so far away.

Oh God. Ice is hot. It's so awkward. And she looked at us quite sadly and she said, but I don't have a favourite bench. Well now she's under pressure. Now she thinks, shit, I need to choose a bench. Oh God.

For when I die. I don't like any benches. They're always too hard. No, I haven't got a favorite bench of course not i never sit on a bench give me a cushioned garden where are you gonna get your name put on a swing chair in a garden the egg chair egg chair in the garden just put it in the middle of a park robert's favorite chair but death's been in the air because the cat so barrel so last time i spoke to you had she been taken into the vet by

this point yeah so she was overnighting at the vet so they they i know we took her in blood tests came back then they phoned us up they were like she needs to come in yes uh i took her in quite confident because they've been quite positive on the phone when i got in there the vet was not positive her kidney reading whatever it, is meant to be 100. Yeah. And it was 1,100. Is that good or bad? She's got really good kidneys, not really bad ones.

What I'm saying is she's superhuman. Her kidney's great. That's not the problem. Her kidney's really bad. She stayed in for a night. Then they phoned me. They did some blood tests. And they were like, so she's a goner, basically.

Oh, no. I'm sorry. Well, don't worry worry we think maybe you could bring her home palliative care for a few months which is you know like a few months you don't want a cat dying in your house do you no no rob and so and we'd see how it goes um and they were like i mean like all right okay well it is what it is grim they were like we'll keep him for another night do it is what it is. Grim. They were like, we'll keep you in for another night. Do you want us to do a... You've got insurance, so do you want us to do a scan tomorrow just to see what it is?

Yeah. I mean, pointless, but we've got insurance, so we might as well try and make a bit of our money back. Let the vet earn. Yeah, exactly. Someone's going to be happy about this situation. Let the vet earn. Do you know what?

Vets love all this, don't they? They love deep pockets and big hearts. The moment they hear you've got insurance, it's like a fucking cash point for them, mate. Anyway. Even the Churchill dog goes round with a limp. I'm not paying out. The next morning, they phone up after the scan.

They're like, actually, we can do something. Fucking hell. I mean, surely do a scan first well it turns out uh she's got kidney stones in her tubes so blocking the kidney to the uh bladder yeah right they basically like we have to operate on her she'll have to go under the knife an operation on a cat operation tubes including a bloodusion, because she's anemic, so they're rushing cat's blood across London. Right? They have to put in a bypass of the tube,

a plastic bypass of the tube, right? If I could say one thing now, Rob. Get pet insurance. Because otherwise we'd have had a very different... We're looking out for an op. So, our pet insurance premium is, we got up to seven grand yeah and we ended up paying 500 quid because we went over our seven and a half grand jesus christ mental basically

i was speaking to someone they were like yeah we were told by like the person that sold us the cat you'd make you'd save money if you just put the money aside in a bank account every month and then paid your vet's bills out of that. And that is probably true. But, right, you'd end up at some point having to make the decision as to whether you spend that money on the cat. We'd have had to decide, are we going to go on holiday with this or are we going to try and save the life of our cat? 80% chance of survival.

I love my cat. So it's 80% chance of survival once they my cat so it's 80 chance of survival once they do the operation for seven and a half grand yeah i don't think i could spend seven and a half grand on my cat but if you've done but we've got pet insurance but if you do it pet insurance it makes it easier doesn't it yeah exactly there was no decision it was a very stressful period so how is beryl well she she was in there for eight days rob what the operation no wonder it was so expensive if it cheap at half the price oh so she was What, the operation? No wonder it was so expensive. It'd be a cheap half a price.

She had the operation, she was in there for eight days. Eight days, right? Afterwards, recovering on fluids. Oh my God. One point, phoned up, she was on ketamine. Having the time of her life.

Oh my God. Ask her to bring some home for Glastonbury. Seven and a half grand, well spent. She was on ketamineamine she was on ketamine ketamine oh yes please

it's really good no wonder you can win over those stag do's at butlins but it's been a very I've been surprised at how emotionally affected I've been by a cat you're really into your cats aren't you like well I'm not that no Rose is really into her cat right yeah I thought I was pretty like cool about it I almost cried when we went out for dinner on

Saturday night because I felt like we shouldn't be doing it while she was in hospital now that is mental that is that's too much I know you're a very caring person, but there's nothing you're not eating. I think I was just, I think I was just overwhelmed. I think it was just a bit overwhelmed. I almost cried in my neighbours, the dumplings.

It was a disaster. In my neighbours, the dumplings. What? That's the name of the cafe, the restaurant. Oh, right.

In my neighbours, in my neighbours, the dumplings. No, we were in my neighbours. It's called my's The Dumplings. No, we were in... It's called My Neighbour's The Dumplings. My Neighbour's The Dumplings. That's a weird name, isn't it?

You East London lot are crazy. It's mad out there. But your cat's all right now, Ben. Is she home? I had to go and pick her up. They've put her in this kind of very tight T-shirt. Let me send it to you. Because she's not...

So instead of giving her the thing around the head, they now give them a tight T-shirt. Let me send it to you. Because she's not... So instead of giving her the thing around the head, they now give them a tight t-shirt so they don't lick their scar? Oh, yes, that's what we had for Fred when he had his nuts chopped off. They don't give you the cone anymore. They just give you a tight t-shirt. Because she's a very furry cat.

It looks absolutely absurd. I've sent you a picture of it. Oh, no, I've sent it to you and Romesh. She looks like she's been rolled up like a burrito. I don't know what Romesh is going to make of that. That was a different group. But it looks weird. It looks weird.

It looks like her tail's actually leading the body. Yeah. The tail is bigger than the body. It's like a dip of dokers. Yeah. We'll put it on. I mean, it's absolutely absurd. Oh, bless her.

Do you know what she looks like she looks like she's wearing a Liverpool kit yep allez allez we've got to keep her in a in a room I've got heart stones in my tubes do you have to take that off for her

to have a wee no no no her bits are exposed yeah yeah her bits are exposed oh poor old beryl um oh blimey is that stressful we still don't know she's gonna be all right oh no we've got to keep her in one room for seven days why because she can't be like jumping around because of her scar oh Oh, OK. You've got a room where she's got nothing she can get on. It's like, what room have you got in your house where there's no surfaces? Well, and if there are, it's full of knickknacks. Exactly, Rob.

But like, what room would you keep a cat in if you didn't want it to jump on anything? Downstairs toilet. It's too small, Rob. You can't do that to a cat. Well, I'm trying to think of a room that had nothing, but there's still like a toilet seat you could jump on. Yeah, it's awful.

It's impossible. So how have the kids been, though, during this? Well, obviously, my son, who's one, doesn't give a shit. Yeah, obviously. Keeps grabbing it. And my daughter. My daughter's not really, yeah, she's a bit, like, knocked by it, but I think she realises,

we don't want to say she's going to be all right because we don't know she's going to be all right. Do you know what I mean? You don't want to make promises that you then have to go back on. She's all right today. She's all right today. Enjoy her while you can. That's how you do it.

How's Beryl? Look, she's here. Yeah, she's here in a very weird outfit. Oh, that's good. At least it's slightly better news than you thought it was going to be. God, it's been a weird old week, yeah. But there we go. My daughter's ill now. Your it's slightly better news than you thought it was going to be. God, it's been a weird old week, yeah. But there we go. My daughter's ill now.

Your daughter's ill? What's wrong with her? Oh, temperature of 39.5. Bloody hell. Fucking hell, that's hot, isn't it? You cook an egg on her head. Yeah, it was mental. It's mental.

Is she all right now? She's ill today. She's watching a lot of Waffle the Wonder Dog. Waffle... How's that song go waffle doggy so good

it's a good one such a clever dog such a clever dog you are oh do you have to pay for that what do we have to pay them

for me singing it there I think I'm so out of tune that we could argue in a court of law that it isn't a cover fair enough good point good point well made how have you been well we've been busy but good we had I think I'm so out of tune that we could argue in a court of law that isn't a cover. Fair enough. Good point. Good point.

Well made. How have you been? Well, we've been busy, but good. We took the kids to Port Limp. Port Limp. Oh, I love it. Love it. To the zoo place in Kent.

What an animal-based episode this is. Oh, non-stop. I fed a giraffe, mate. Oh, I loved feeding the giraffes. I fed a giraffe and I fed a bear. A bear? A bear. They've got giraffe and I fed a bear. A bear? A bear. They've got bears there now, brown bears,

but you just feed them nuts and apples anyway, which is a bit weird. You know, I just wanted to launch a salmon at them. But you feed them nuts and stuff, but there's a big bucket and you just throw it over the fence. And I turn around, my daughter's eating one of the apples. So, yeah, that was good. We stayed in the Leopard's Creek

by the leopards. It was really pretty. So you've got like a kind of window onto the leopards. Yeah, I didn't really see much of the leopards, but that was good though. We went with like another couple, but you have like a bed

and then a mezzanine. Holiday friends. Yeah, holiday friends actually from other holidays. Holiday friends, bloody hell. They're proper friends, your holiday friends now. Yeah, well actually from other holidays friends bloody out they're proper friends your holiday friends now um yeah they've got well there aren't we sort of only really seen for holidays actually they are like strictly holiday friends because they live a bit further away they don't just pop around it's like if we do we sort of plan stuff so yeah

holiday friends that have really really progressed um but it was yeah it was really good um that was funny actually because they they've just been away for a wedding and their kids were the bridesmaids and they were the um only sort of kids there and one of them it was a birthday when they were out there and then obviously they got her some presents but all the people at the wedding were all like late 20s early 30s because there was no one else there were kids really so there was always like people to go oh it's your birthday giving her like 20 euros because they like it was like having a birthday cake and they felt like oh we don't really know because everyone was at this wedding overnight in malta so i didn't explain it so it was in malta for like four or five days at this wedding and they all got to know everyone like 50 odd 60 odd people and then it was

like oh the bride's made it's one of their birthdays so they were giving them cash go up i will get yourself some sweets or toy in cash and then she had like hundreds of euros which is because you've got like 60 people there you wouldn't normally have 60 people near you and you'll just throw a 10 or 20 quid at a kid and go oh yeah and just built up and then uh bless her though when was it um paul lynch went oh what i got extra money for my birthday so i want to get the girls something from the shop she's really sweet so it's really kind of a course she bloody she's like richie rich sweet so it's really kind of her. Of course she bloody is. She's like Richie Rich. I know,

it's been like Branson. Well, she's eight and then her younger sister who's five, I think, was, they were bridesmaids

and it got to there to walk down the aisle and then I think she got a bit shy and she went, I'm not doing it. She refused to walk down the aisle as a bridesmaid.

Oh God. So, and literally, the bride is waiting to go and it's holding it up now. Oh, my God. She's refusing to walk.

My hand is going now, Rob. My hand is going now with stress. I'm not going. No. No, I'm not going. Not going. Anyway, eventually, the mum went, if you walk down the aisle, I'll buy you the Barbie dream house.

No. And she walked. She's absolutely played her. She's absolutely played her. She's absolutely played her. This is the trick because they're quite expensive and she's wanted it for ages and they keep saying

like maybe a Christmas. This is viral. You can't negotiate with terrorists because once they know. Exactly. They're done for. She also got a helicopter home

as well for a mower. I think that is a good email in. Tell us what is the worst bit of bribery you've ever done with your child? Oh, can I just give you an update? A holiday update. Oh, yeah, go on. Tom Crane, who we interviewed a few weeks ago. Yeah.

They wanted to go on holiday abroad. They were about to put the holiday, and then they went to check their baby. They had to get a passport. Obviously, you can't have passports for nothing. No money at the moment. Couldn't get an appointment. Had to cancel the holiday. Eventually, got an appointment.

Yeah. Sort the holiday out. Get the birth certificate out. They've misspelled his surname on the birth certificate. You are winding me up. Get a passport. I'm not winding you up. So how have they spent built crime?

Without an eye. Because the computers went down when they were doing it. So the guy copied it out and said, I'll type it into a computer later. Idiot. And then obviously when the guys transferred it from handwriting to computer, he's forgotten the I. So now they have to re-get the birth certificate done. Yeah. Depol.

They're going, they've got to change the name for Depol, I suppose. They're going to, and then for the rest of your life, they're going to be like, have you ever had your name changed? And you're going to have to fill in so many more forms. I would have just, I would have have just said you're a crane without an eye now yeah exactly let's get this people change their surnames all the time let's go to barbados i did that dad why do i spell my name different because i'm bad at admin i'm bad admin and you have to suffer oh that is brutal so when are they going on holiday yeah they're going to center parks because you don't need a passport oh it'll be good oh bless Oh, that is brutal. So are they going on holiday? Yeah, they're going to Centre Parcs. Because you don't need a passport.

Oh, it'll be good. Oh, bless it. Oh, that is so brutal. But it's not the same, is it? It's not the same. It's not the same. The same price in the summer as going abroad. Have you enjoyed the platyjubes, Josh?

I wanted to ask you about this. Oh, did I tell you I went to a corgi parade? No. What's that? So Columbia Road. Of course it is. Of course it is. You crazy guys.

Do you want to see a picture of the corgi parade? When I used to live in Lewisham, there used to be a few stuffish ball terrier parades, but that was sort of just by chance. It wasn't organised. So I'm not, I should say, I'm not really a royalist. Well, I'm not. But you're just into corgis. But you don't turn down the chance to see a corgi dressed in a crown, do you?

Oh, they are a cute dog, the corgi. So, it's just all different corgis going for a walk. Loads of corgis. I'll show you the video. I mean, the video's not as good as you think it's going to be. I don't think it's going to be good, Josh. I don't know what expectations... Yeah, it's still worse than that.

OK. We could put it on the... Well, it's a minute long. We don't think it's going to be good, Josh. I don't know what expectations. Yeah, it's still worse than that. Okay. We could put it on the... Well, it's a minute long. We could do an edit of it. Okay. It's just a load of corgis walking past. Okay, yeah, okay. But...

And you thought, you know what, I'll document this. Well, on the morning, our friend texted us, and he was like, I've just seen that there's going to be a corgi parade on Columbia Road. We had nothing to do. I think if you've got kids with nothing to do and you don't go to a corgi parade, I think you really need to have a look in the mirror as to who you are. Yeah, yeah, of course.

So the parade is very narrow, isn't it? It's just on the pavement. It's just on the pavement, yeah. There's a lot of weird footwear. Corgi owners aren't into fashion are they no they're into corgis they're into corgis

yeah it's just a few corgis walking around it's quite cute though isn't it it was a lovely morning I glad I went that was what we did

we saw the fly the fly pass goes bang over our house as well because we're in East London oh lovely yeah

I quite enjoy it being called the platy jubes I like that I thought I'd hate that i like that yeah i don't like child's calling the queen mummy no that's weird it really upsets me it makes me really like panic yeah that is weird yeah that's now with mummy mummy and it's the posh voice as well mummy it's horrible isn't it well also i'd say it as well mummy yeah that's horrible it's going through me like um yeah mummy and i just i've realized i'm not massively into the jubilee i don't really watch what's going on i quite like the nights out and the it's a bit like star wars

for old mums isn't it jubilee yeah yeah they're into it like i can't imagine you know i can't like same way as like 50 year old blokes love star i can't get my head around it's how people must look at me during a world cup and go yes what what is going on with you and no judgment if you're into it you're into it but i just can't get in there i can't no same as star wars i just can't get into it i can't work it out and i think it's people that love uniforms and and stuff but i just can't get my head in it's not for me i mean it's very convenient that prince andrew got covid he's very it's people that love uniforms and stuff, but I just can't get my head in. It's not for me. I mean, it's very convenient that Prince Andrew got COVID. He's very... Do you know what?

Interesting. He's just... What poor bloke. Will he ever get a break? The poor guy. He's already spent 12 million quid paying a woman not to talk. And now this.

Poor guy. It's been a terrible year for him. And now this. Poor guy. It's been a terrible year for him. Just think of him. Do you know what I mean? Just think of that poor guy. In other news, I was told, this is a new one, getting my daughter dressed. She didn't want to wear these leggings because they were too dry. Too dry.

Too dry. I've not had that one before. And I said, do you want me to run them under the tap she was like what well does mom get you dressed in damp clothes but what she meant was i think she meant they were a bit like a bit like you know it's a bit new and a bit stiff and a bit itchy yeah yeah they would say it was too dry so um i walked them into another room did nothing to them oh did you do the old i've changed it and brought it back yeah did that walked in and out um oh another thing that made me laugh on this little trip to uh to portland was uh that our holiday friends

their daughter does not eat bananas hates bananas but will eat ella's deliciously banana pouch that is 100 banana oh come on now. Come on. It was so funny. Yeah, dad eat bananas. Borrow a banana, won't eat it. This, she'll eat it. I'm like, what's it? And he went 100% banana.

That's incredible. Oh, this is another good one for the journey. They kept on badgering me about how long the journey would be. It's only about an hour from your house, isn't it? I know, but they're like me, aren't they? They don't sit still. They're not quiet. So this is a great technique, I said. I said um every time they ask me a question i slow down and i go oh sorry girls i've got to slow down because i'm not concentrating on the road so every question you

ask me it'll take a minute longer because i've got to go slower now so what's your question you can ask me as many questions as you want but just so you know every time you ask me a question it will be an extra minute so just maybe think if you really need to know the answer that's great 10 mile tail back in kent 10 10 so and then i'd go oh yeah um uh daddy why is that tree green um oh yep it's green because the trees are just green it's gonna be 15 minutes now daddy where are my shoes they're on your feet 16 minutes now daddy i'm hungry not a question but 17 minutes so i just did that and it got in their head and then they calmed down and then i i absolutely stitched up lou and they said daddy does it add time if we ask mummy a question i went no because

i'll still be concentrating so lou got absolutely hammered yes yes rob so it's a good technique i'm gonna say it driving is the absolute win of the two roles. Of the two roles in the car, driving is the win, I think. Because you can hide behind the driving as stressful. Because Rose doesn't drive. She'll listen to this. But I'll be honest, she doesn't realise it isn't that stressful. So I can go, I've really got to concentrate on this.

Can I have a kick? I've driven all the way here. Can I have a little lie down for 10 minutes just because i've driven actually driven i've driven a car for an hour so like i don't yeah i don't know if you see it a big bit of metal about half a ton i i was like i was operating that machine i've done a job which you can do while listening to the radio and also your mind wanders for an hour and you don't even think about you're doing it yeah exactly yeah but it's non-stop so i need a couple of hours just to catch up for every hour drive i need two hours upstairs on my own watching tiktok if that's okay thanks also what i like is when we go for a long drive and we stop

at the garage i put the petrol in lou goes in and pays and buy snacks and she hands me food and drinks oh yeah that's a nice thing isn't it just oh do you mind handing me a sandwich and she gets it out the packet for me and hands me a sandwich a bit more egg and bacon sandwich please babe thanks right that's that's good yeah that's it's got weird now isn't it charged this morning rob i am well i was at nebworth last night so i went to nebworth to watch liam gallagher they were at so many 50 year old wreckheads oh my god just people like reliving yeah what was the kind of demographic um stone island and then sometimes humans were aware in it the... Yeah, what was the kind of demographic? Stone Island, and then sometimes humans were aware in it.

Just all I could see was a sea of Stone Island. It was basically Stone Island and some people. Bucket hats. Oh, my God. Bucket hats as far as the eye can see. I can't believe I'm saying this. People need to move on from the 90s, Rob. You'd have no career.

You wouldn't sell a ticket. No, true. Bucket hats are back in. they're actually back in high fashion are they did you do that um no well no this is what i was speaking to lou about this and they were already on their way in and then i wore it the football and a lot of other people and then people started wearing the football so it's basically sort of laddie culture peaked at the same time as the high fashion uh bucket hat because i but um yeah no i don't think i brought it in but i think i may have nudged it along do you know what i mean because it went viral as a piss head do you know what though wearing a bucket hat i think they look fun and cool but i need to be pissed before i wear it it's not a sober hat no and now often

presumably part of the reason you're wearing the bucket hat is because you didn't want to get troubled by people and now it's your thing so it draws attention to you yeah so yeah because i wore it because it's the biggest hat you can cover your face so like i was going to the football but actually if anything it became my calling card exactly exactly no i've got a calling card it's basically my catchphrase now you were pissed at the euros any chicken might have been to any chicken might have been tonight why don't why don't you fuck off but it's great it's just great to meet the fans what's that mate yeah

why don't you fuck off you're lovely to meet you mate yeah she's great to be around all the guys from the euros here he is KFC at fucking hell you and them oh yeah okay

oh man that's fine it's great actually I don't know what I'm saying that was great, actually. I don't know why I'm saying that. It was great. Yeah, no, no, no. Fair enough, fair enough. Shall we do some Instagrams and small business shout-outs?

Oh, reasons for getting called into school. We was asking about this, weren't we? Hi, guys. I have a story about the phone call parents get from schools. My friend has identical twin boys, and she got a phone call from the nursery to say one of them had been bitten by one of the other children at preschool he was okay but they had to inform her she asked which child had bitten

him and they said unfortunately they couldn't tell her that information but they were dealing with the situation they never tell they never they never grass a bite they're not allowed to tell you they're not allowed to tell you my friend said she fully understood but knowing what her two ins could be like she asked whether it was his brother who had bitten him the nursery again said sorry we can't tell you she said fine she got off the phone and a mere five seconds later got another phone call from the nursery to say her other son had been bitten by another child at the nursery she said i wonder who that could have been it was exactly as she predicted. He had bitten his brother and the preschool said

that to follow protocol and call each of the children's parents. Totally failing to acknowledge this was the same person. That is so good. Vicky from Manchester. That's absolutely brilliant.

That is a good one, isn't it? Yeah. Twin boys must be absolutely mental um here we got another one on why parents get called into the school my mom got called in by my brother's teacher because my brother told his class that my dad had stabbed an owl in the kitchen what my brother was only six at the time and he is still convinced that it happened 25 years later. Oh, my God. It definitely didn't.

From at Folkestone girl. These are great. These. My son was about 12 and in high school in about 1996, I got called in by the head of year. The boy had printed photos of a scantily cut lady was selling them for one pound each. Oh, wow. The school admired his entrepreneurial skills, but couldn't allow it to go on. Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

1996 as well. That would have taken ages to print off. Yeah, and he's really nailed, like, the The internet early doors I think a quid is quite cheap Do you think? In 1996? Well for how much printer ink is Having a computer and a printer And he's had to print that off in the front room in 96

They were as big as a fridge computers weren't they? Just in the front room Everyone looking Yeah heating up in the corner As he prints out a picture of, you know, whoever Joe guessed. In the background just printing off his porn.

Just doing some coursework, mummy. There we go. Right, more tired than Josh. Let's finish with a more tired than Josh. I'll do more tired than Josh and finish on a celeb in weird places

hi rob josh and michael the kids are currently aged two five and eight and the youngest is an absolute twat for waking up in the night i am in a glorious sleeping position at the moment rob really yeah do you remember the two weeks when your child starts to walk and they're absolutely fucking knackered all right yes because they're getting rid of that energy. And suddenly you're like this is incredible but I remembered this happened last time and then they get used to walking. You've slept till 8.30 this morning.

Oh, just enjoy it, you've earned it. I know. I'm already worried about missing it. So that's your problem, isn't it? As soon as you get to Glastonbury, you're going to be thinking about it finishing. Oh, don't, Rob. I was thinking about that the other day.

I was thinking, what am I going to look forward to then? It's like Christmas. I used to cry on Christmas night every year because I was sad it was over. Oh, George, you're so sweet. I couldn't deal with it. Yeah, it's so hard to be in the moment, isn't it? But it's so what you have to do.

I was thinking, like, the moment Paul McCartney plays that last song, and I know what it's going to be, because I've obviously looked at all his set lists on tour, because I'm all over that kind of boring stuff. What's his final song? He plays the final three tracks of Abbey Road. What are they? Should I know that?

It's Golden Slumbers, followed by Carry That Way, and then a song called The End. See, I don't know. I wouldn't hold my hand in all them ones. Yeah, he does. He's already knocked those ones out. Yeah, he does. They're so quick, though.

They're only two minutes, aren't they? Yeah, exactly. He's got to fill two and a half hours, mate. Help, I need some more songs for this long set, because these are two minutes. You're very tuneful this morning. Am I? Do you's liam gallagher in it i watched him before i reckon i can sing i'm joking it was good it was it was good um this is someone who's got no sleep and you're gloating about your sleep and going to glastonbury here we go so the youngest is a twat for waking up

in the night one night this week i basically drove home from work on fumes as i didn't have a chance to stop for diesel um or the nursery kids club would be shut so i got my got to my usual petrol station for 6 30 a.m the next day on the way to work so i'll be on time i went to the first pump tried to get diesel out and the pump didn't work tried another pump and only got a bit out then stopped again the pump was making a weird noise as i was spilling diesel all down myself and on the floor oh my god i was getting increasingly ragey and shouting and swearing fucking come on i only had three hours sleep so i got in the car and drove to the next pump or i did the same then another then another eventually i marched in the station and started kicking off proper can i see the manager stuff then it it transpired. I had eight to 10 different transactions of diesel to pay for,

ranging from 89p up to £3.40. Then sent a woman out in a high vis to see what the issue was. And she had the same problem as me. I thought, great. Finally, they're going to listen to me. She said, I think your tank is full. No. Oh, my God. i argued with her she's covered in diesel and she's trying to fill up a full tank

i argued with her then got in the car and turned on the ignition full tank turns out my husband turns out my husband filled it up without me knowing the night before. And I'd full on imagined the empty fuel light when I got in the car. Oh, my God. Now, that's not living in the moment, isn't it? That is living in your head, mortified from a very tired Claire in Manchester. And when I got into work in a children's hospital, oh, this is getting worse, poor children's work, bless her.

People kept saying to me, can you smell petrol? All day. Because she was covered in petrol. Thank you, Claire. Surely that's a safety issue, isn't it?

I think you've got to clear in Manchester. Tiredness is not an excuse to be covered in petrol and then, you know, go to a children's hospital. It's not allowed, Claire. Poor Claire.

Oh, my word. Brutal. Right. Celebs in weird places? Inject it into my veins, Rob. On a secondary school trip to Italy, my friends and I spotted Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen during our visit to Pompeii.

We found this a lot more exciting than the actual place. At the time, we found it unbelievable that he asked us to leave him alone. But now, looking back, it was fair enough. Oh, come on, Lawrence. I got a picture with him somewhere. I took on my disposable camera. To this day, I still think of him

whenever I see anything about Pompeii Kate Mum to Brindley two and a half and Thea at nine weeks I do think I think you do have to

it's across you bear if you're going to be in the public eye you do have to just have photos I don't mind a photo as long as it's quick but not if I'm like to be fair

when I was at Frozen I went to Frozen did I tell you I went to see Frozen with the girls I saw it on your on your wife's Instagram. Oh, yeah, it was amazing. Bit of a slow start, though. I loved it.

It's a make. Samantha Barks is so good. It's like different. Everyone else was great. You know, I've been to loads of theatre shows, and I can see, well, Samantha Barks is just a level above. It's like La Tizia at Southampton. Yeah, well, let's hope it doesn't go the same way.

Yeah, I don't think she's got those views. That's a bad example. It was like when Bergkamp arrived at Arsenal, just differently. Right, yeah. She took a while to settle in. Yeah, yeah. And she don't fly.

She doesn't fly. Yeah, yeah. It's a bit slow because they have to set up the story, but I felt like, who the fuck has gone to see Frozen? And it's their first time of seeing Frozen. Yeah, come on now.

Surely, like the amount of times my daughter said, where olaf i was like fuck knows but we need him soon um but uh yeah no that was that was really good um but um anyway but yeah someone as i was rushing through with my daughters through like the crowds and can i get a picture i was a bit like you can but we're trying to get out of a busy building here. But I don't mind pictures, but I think it's rude to say no. What do you tell your... Yeah, my daughter can't quite understand why people would want a picture with me, Rob. Well, my eldest is getting a bit protective now.

She sort of wants to hold my hand and I go, I'll have a photo and then I'd sort of have to go away from them. And it feels like I don't want them in the photo, but I don't want them in the photo, but I don't want them to think I don't want them in a photo, but I don't want strangers having photos of all my kids. So it's difficult but i i when i'm on my own i think it's all you know all bets are off but if i'm with my kids in in the moment it's hard to be in the moment when you're with your kids in the moment and then you have to have a picture and it's some it's more because

it's unfair on the kids and i accept that you have to do it through the public eye but when i'm on my own you know all day every day it's just sometimes when you're like once it was christmas eve and i was doing the big shot with both kids. I don't know how Lou managed to wangle that. Come on, Rob. Because there's that thing in there in your house. You go, someone does the shop or someone tidies the house. That's what we end up doing on a weekend.

To be fair, she'd made you a cup of tea, Rob. A cup of mulled wine. But I had a one-year-old. It was when I had one kid. I had a one-year-old. Because we feel, you tidy the house. If I take the one-year-old, if I when I had one kid. I had a one-year-old in, because we feel, you tidy the house. If I take the one-year-old, if I strap them in the trolley,

they're quite easy. As long as I've got the snacks room or an iPad or whatever, I can do the Christmas shop. It was Christmas Eve. I was doing the big shop and someone was like, can I have some photo?

I went, yeah, and I had a quick photo and it was like, oh God. So yeah, you know, Jimmy Carr, I'm like,

it's fucking Christmas Eve. I ain't got a turkey here. Fuck in it. I've got a one year old I'm on a limit here this is not a relaxed chat environment

please but yeah Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen apparently was a bit harsh a bit salty but you know he might have had a bad week bit of fun

right small business shout outs I've got a good one also we forgot to say who those people were Rob Michael's just alerted me to it oh at the beginning?

Yeah, we got so distracted. Finally, this is my seven-year-old and four-year-old twins. So it's two sets of twins it was, Rob. At the start. Thank you guys, you rock. Katie, a man living in London.

Two sets of twins. Can I say what, can I, do you know what, I think that is, I think that's horrible. Is that too harsh? No.

As an existence, do you mean, or, yeah. When they're young, I think it'll be lovely when they're all grown up, but at babies, if you had,

imagine having a two-year-old, twins, and then a newborn. I don't know how, I don't know how people do twins. I do not know. I know we come back to it a lot do twins i do not know i know we come back to it a lot but man alive right here we go i've got a small business shout out we love

the show and it'll be great if you give a new business shout out to bertie's pet store in portishead bristol the store is named after our son's whip it bertie selling a wide range of pet accessories food treats natural products thank you very much jenny perry that's bertie's pet store.co.uk here we go hi i'm the founder and ceo of a national charity the together project and a mum of two young kids i'll bore off your goody two shoes no this is okay this is i'll be honest with you i'm joking i'm obviously joking Rose read this and cried. Oh, fuck. What have I done? I've got to read it out then. I'm sorry, everyone. Crafting Connections pairs children with care home residents to form heartwarming friendships by exchanging

pictures and letters in the post, spreading joy across the UK. Oh, that's nice. Too late, Rob. Too late. Now you know what? That is lovely. Fuck Bertie's shop. Fuck you, Bertie, and your stupid shop. Paul said, fuck, that was a band. It is a band.

They're named after the place. Each child is matched with an older person and receives an arts and crafts pack every month. Both the child and older person create pictures and fill out questionnaires and post them back to us to swap with everyone receiving their new friends' masterpieces in the post, the next pack that follows that month. They also receive a friendship folder

to store everything and creating a lovely record of their friendship as the months go by. All the info and details on how to join can be found at www.craftingconnections.org.uk There you go. That is nice, isn't it? Connections C-R-A-F-T-I-N-G Connections Dot org Dot UK There you go That's lovely

So basically They pair up young kids With the older people In care homes And then they swap Art and stuff Pen friend stuff Yeah

That is lovely A lovely charity And a lovely idea Here he goes Here he goes I can feel the intonation I'm just saying At what point did Rose cry

Is she okay There's more There's a picture I tell you what There's a picture Of a five year old And an 89 year old woman I can feel the intonation. I'm just saying, at what point did Rose cry? Is she okay? There's a picture, I tell you what, there's a picture of a five-year-old and 89-year-old woman holding their pictures. Fair enough. Okay, I just said he needed something else to hit off, and that would be the photo, I imagine. Fair enough.

But there's not even an 89-year-old woman, Rob. There's just a picture of a bench with a name on it. With a picture on it. Okay, no, that's too hard to... We are horrible fucking people. We are horrible people. We are. Comedians are horrible.

We all go, oh, it's just because I'm a comedian. I say, we've got no empathy. I'm not some sort of robot. Jesus Christ. The amount of piss I've taken out of your cat that's on its last legs. Yeah, exactly.

I think we'll be all right. Too right, Rob. Poor old Beryl. Do you know what? I'm worried about Beryl because she's currently corresponding with a kitten as well. So that's a bad sign. Tiny little pictures. Little paw print.

Oh, God. I'm going to cry now, Rob. It's going to be like my neighbours the dumplings all over again oh no my neighbours the dumplings in my neighbours the dumplings I was like

I'm going to order two beers because I can't emotionally deal with this do down one and drink one normally yeah that is a real sign I'm in a bad place

when I do that yeah anyway I'll see you on Friday Josh see you on Friday bye bye