Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S04 EP39: The One Where Josh Loses The Cat...

Episode Date: June 14, 2022

S04 EP39: The One Where Josh Loses The Cat...**DISCLAIMER** This episode contains some chat about Christmas and Santa for those who are foolish enough to listen with kids! (It's also flagged during the episode just before we mention it so you can skip that section if needed) More (mis) adventures in parenting and beyond from Rob and Josh...Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks Rob + JoshBIG NEWS.... we're writing a book! ⭐ All the stories we can’t tell on the podcast – in depth.⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents)⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them... [e-mail]'s it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)?And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick?Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike.Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here: https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBookIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellMAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Introducing Tim's new Savory Pinwheels, the perfect flaky and flavourful snack for those on the go, like me, who's recording this while snacking. Ooh, delicious. Try the roasted red pepper and Swiss or caramelised onion and parmesan pinwheels only at Tim's, at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent,

which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to parenting hell with leon can you say rob beckett and can you say josh

well done there we go solid yeah solid stuff hey oh my god hello guys i discovered your podcast a couple of months ago do you want to have a guess where they're from let me read the message hello guys i discovered your podcast a couple of months ago and you've been playing in my car almost every day since i'm also amazed at how similar life is with kids seems to be all over Europe. My son, Leon, loved the little task and made me record several versions. He's bilingual in English and the language of this country. Probably pronounced your names better than me. That is from Xenia. Where's Xenia from?

Xenia is from North Macedonia. Wow. So she's not from North Macedonia? Yeah, she is. He's bilingual in English and Macedonia. Wow. So she's not from North Macedonia? Yeah, she is. He's bilingual in English and Macedonian. Oh, my Lord. Greetings and hugs from Skopel. So people are listening to this in Macedonia?

That's good, isn't it? It's really good. They're in the World Cup, weren't they? They were the Euros or whatever it was last time, for the first time, I think, maybe. I wouldn't hold myself to that. That is bad knowledge. No, first time, I think, maybe. I wouldn't hold myself to that. That is bad knowledge. No, they are. I think, yeah.

But there's a North Macedonia, but no South Macedonia for sort of complicated reasons that I don't think we really need to get into. Do you not think we should go into, do a deep dive on in this podcast? What, into the sort of regional debate in North Macedonia next to Kosovo and Albania? No. Exactly.

We could start with the breakup of Yugoslavia and just work from there. I think the argument is it's North Macedonia next to Kosovo and Albania. No. Exactly. We could start with the breakup of Yugoslavia and just work from there. I think the argument is it's North Macedonia because someone else's land, Macedonia's there is South Macedonia. Should we stop talking? Yes. How are you, Rob? How's parenting? That is what we're looking for. It's a bit stressful this morning. I am... Good to know.

Basically, I record this in like a little, like, a sort of office in the end of the garden but one of them sort of garden offices which is sort of like wood with big like glass doors on the front which means that hot but the sun beats down on it so it gets so hot in the morning so normally i'll pop in here about an hour before and i've got this old air conditioner unit that i turn on and it cools it down or I open the windows and all that. But because you wanted to record this slightly earlier, I've come in at the hottest it's ever been.

And I feel like I'm on holiday. Could you open the door? Yeah, but if I open the door too wide, it's too loud. And also, Lou's gone for a dog walk and I've got two children on iPads in the house. Oh, wow. So I'm juggling. I'm spinning plates here today, Josh.

Oh, my word. So what are the chances you're going to make it through this podcast absolutely zero and i'll tell you why because the storage on their fire screens whatever they're called the message come up critically low oh no but i don't how can an ipad be critically whatever it's called device can be critical they got on there i don't know but it's basically there's an adult account under lou beckett then there's one for each of them but then they keep swapping them over and then we're downloading duplicates of games but they just the good thing about the kids one is they can just download whatever they want for free but it doesn't really they never get any like adult stuff because it's really it's quite secure by adult stuff you might don't mean

like adult stuff do you no i mean i quite secure by adult stuff you might don't mean like adult stuff do you no i mean i mean like anything with mature content which sounds even filthier um but yeah yeah there may be some swearing or other things but um yeah so they just download stuff but now i don't know how to work it because i don't really you i only work use apple stuff oh you are you're an old person you're my dad being unable to put the timer on the video and me thinking I'll never be like that. And now you're like that, Rob. Yeah, but I could do it on one system.

I'm like, I think like there just needs to be a system. There just needs to be a system that we all know. Just buy them Apple products, Rob. That's what I've done. I just think Bill Gates and whoever's in charge, Tim Cook, is he in charge of Apple's now? I don't know. He should be.

Apple's. He's in charge of Apple's. He's in charge of Windows. Oh, do you? Just all have a sit down, and surely Apple Window can just be a nice big company with one system. Just all have a sit down and go,

it's been a fun 40 years, but now let's come to some kind of... Silicon Valley. Let's all come. Let's fill the valley with a long big load of water, the one system. I just don't like life at the moment. There's so many things.

I've got to go to Leeds in a minute. Why have you got to go to Leeds? I'm doing my tour. So it's like, I love doing the show, but the travelling's killing me, Josh. It's so it's like i love doing the show but the traveling's killing me josh it's so brutal i was the opposite oh you like the traveling oh i love the traveling i love the traveling sitting on the train like michael portillo yes please my dream life would be that um i wake up in the morning i do the podcast with you about nine ish and then about half 11 i walk to the end of my road about three minute walk and there's a theater there that i do a show in every day and

every day there's a different audience that have been bussed in from different parts of the country and i do my show at them and then three minutes later i'm back on my sofa that's the ultimate dream do you know what my dream life would be rob doing nothing doing none of it well you'd get bored though it's very polite of you to say you do the podcast rob in your dream life i like it's very polite of you i like it as well i like it as well but do i like it as much as being on holiday that's the question yeah but then if you're on holiday all the time when you get bored what say what would you do now say if they said joshu willicom uh you are not allowed here's an x amount of money yeah you've won the

euro millions you don't have to do anything for an entire year and you're not even allowed to go to work what would you do um oh god do you think i'd panic you're panicking now you're panicking now it's not real now um i'd probably day one i think i'm gonna go for a coffee and read a book and then about 11 a.m i'd go that's that done i've wanted to do that for a decade now i've done it and it's not as good as i thought okay so you've done that i don't even drink coffee why have i done that i'm gonna come down about 4 p.m feel really depressed and then you watch a blur documentary with you watch a blur documentary on my own and then i go what am I doing with my day?

I've got to do something with this. I'd maybe go to the gym. It would all be stuff. I mean, what am I doing? I've won the EuroMillions. I'm going to the gym. Buy a fucking quad bike. Have some...

Get a field, mate. Fuck's sake. Have a bit of ambition. So you've won the EuroMillions. You've had a bowling alley in your house, for the love of ambition. So you've won the EuroMillions. You've had a coffee. Put a bowling alley in your house, for the love of God. Your own popcorn machine in a cinema room. I always look at that.

You know when you see MTV Cribs and people have got a cinema room and a popcorn maker? I'm like, who's going to want that dusty popcorn that you make once every year? Oh, mate, it's up there with my pizza oh mate it's up there with my pizza oven oh my god but i'm all right though but i'm just it's um i'm feeling the burn of the traveling what do you do with your travel what do i do with it like could you use it for search could you make your travel more entertaining i i struggle i can't do any work on the train. I do a lot of, I tell you what I've been listening to is Michael Seeley, sort of like,

he's like on YouTube and he's a very calming, it's supposed to be like hypnosis, but I don't think it is, but it's supposed to calm you to go to sleep. If I'm in a car for a long time or on a train, I'll listen to that and it will help me go to sleep. But if I'm in my bed and I try and listen to it, I won't go to sleep.

How does that work? Oh, well, I tell you what, Rob rob don't talk to me about sleep okay i've had you've you've got a little preview i texted you last night i'm very excited to hear the full story to this i've had a fucking shocker so you know i can't sleep in hotels when i'm away yeah so i went to the doctor got prescribed some uh sleeping pills yeah to take when i'm away. Yeah. So I went to the doctor, got prescribed some sleeping pills. Yeah. To take when I'm away in a hotel. Right, so that seems quite extreme.

No, because I can't sleep at all, Rob. I've tried everything. You just toss it and turn it in all night? I've tried all the herbal stuff, all the over-the-counter stuff, and it doesn't work. And particularly if I'm working at 8am the next morning, I could be up literally two hours sleep kind of situation.

Right, so you'll be tossing and turning until you're absolutely exhausted and crash out about five or something. I'm working at 8am the next morning, I could be up literally two hours sleep kind of situation. Right. So you'll be tussled and turn into your absolute exhausted and crash out about five or something. Yeah, exactly. And so at home, I'm fine. Or I was. Right. And these have got, they don't give side effects to many people, these sleeping pills. Right, okay.

Like 1% of people. So you've had them. And did you go to sleep? Oh, four of the best nights sleep I've ever had in a hotel, Rob. Really? Yeah. Feeling fine the next day. Metallic taste in the mouth.

I can deal with that. And side effects go, that's not the end of the world. The first night, I woke up, had some water in the morning. I was like, what the fuck is wrong with this water? This is horrible. And then I realised everything tasted of metal. Hang on, so did food taste of metal as well? Well, I had to go with stronger tasting food than water.

Once you had something with taste, it would outdo the metal. Yeah, it's great. I've had eight hours sleep and then a vindaloo to start the day. It's great. So how much sleep did you get in the hotel like seven or eight hours a night oh great great stuff are you feeling good the next day you're feeling energized yeah totally fine are you doing more in the day that you're like come on yeah i'm feeling good right okay until then i get home rob i've basically i've gone mad what too much energy yes Yes I've got so much energy this morning

Last night I only had three hours sleep I can't sleep So now you can't sleep Because you've slept too much And I realised I've basically been The most anxious I've ever been For the last two and a half days

So it's making you all anxious and sad So we had a meeting Rob Yeah Me and you didn't we About the book Yeah this is when I had suspicions about your current mental state. Yeah, how did I come across? You came across so intense and panicked.

It felt like, you know in like a disaster film, and the scientist isn't being listened to? In the meeting. What was weird about the meeting was, the book's going really well. We're both enjoying writing it, and you're well ahead. You've written your half, because you're busy the end of june and i've written

almost all of mine and i'm just sort of finishing it off and you know when it's due in in a couple of weeks so we're in a really good place of it and it's we're really happy but you look you look like a man who hadn't written a word and you're like okay um right so okay so the due date uh next two two weeks uh so what we can do about that? And I was like, Josh, you've written your bit. God, what's wrong? So get this. This is the weirdest side effect you'll ever hear, Rob.

So you said last night. No, quite the opposite. Last night. I'm too energised. Last night, I went to bed and I was like, oh, where's my phone charger? And I thought, I'll just check in my suitcase, because my suitcase from going away. And I picked it up, and it was empty. And I was like, oh, wait, is that Rose's suitcase?

I said to Rose, is that your suitcase? She was like, no, that's yours. You unpacked it yesterday. I was like, what? And I had no memory of unpacking the suitcase at all. Right? And then I realised I barely remembered my meeting with you or what I did that morning. And then Rose Googled and short-term memory loss is one of the side effects.

I basically couldn't remember Monday or whatever day it was, Friday. So you've got metal mouth, no memory and anxiety. I burst into tears last night for no reason. Just totally burst into tears. Sorry. Have you ever read Michael Rosen's sad book? Michael Rosen? No.

It's a children's... Well, it's not a children's book. It's for all kinds of... It's for everyone dealing with grief, and I found it. And it is the saddest thing you've ever read. And I was just crying and I was just crying I was crying all evening Rob I'll be fine but then I so did you know that did you know about the side effects of the medication at this point no so what's Rose thinking well until the suitcase

Rose was like I basically I've the anxiety I've had for the last two days has been out of this world, Rob. It's been insane. Building and building. Yeah, building and building. And then just last night, just awful. I'll get through it. But at the moment, I feel like someone's going to have to listen to this podcast on 0.5 speed because I'm speaking faster than I ever normally speak.

You do, yeah. So you've not taken any more tablets, though? No, I'm never doing it again. The memory loss thing is mad. And do you know the worst thing about the suitcase? Rose watched me unpack it on the day I got back

and she kept saying to me after I'd said I don't remember unpacking it, she kept going, but it was out of character because normally you don't really get around to unpacking a suitcase. And I was like,

this isn't a time to score points off me. Like, one of the side effects isn't that I'm more efficient at unpacking a suitcase. That's just a coincidence. Like, don't keep going, I thought it was weird you were unpacking a suitcase. That's not one of the issues. Yeah, Josh, I know you feel a bit sad, but you are a lot more efficient around the house now. So shall we carry on with the tablets? So weird.

It was so weird. But would Rose rather have you crying for no reason, bar unpacking your bag? I don't know. It was quite a weird evening last night. I burst into tears about 9pm and didn't stop crying until about 10pm. I'm sorry. I feel bad for laughing, but it's because you know what it is. If you just came to me with this and it wasn't the medication,

I'd be way more supportive. Yeah, of course. I'll be honest. I'm seeing the funny side. Oh, get this as well, Rob. You are really on your Philippines, aren't you? Yeah, I know. I've only had three hours sleep.

Get this. At the worst moment. So Friday, I come home. I've been filming a lot. I've then failed to, you know, I'm on edge.

Rose goes out to pick up our daughter to take her to ballet at 3pm. And I'm like, I can just have a bit of a relax now. So she's taken the baby as well no but he was just he was down for his nap all right all right okay you know our cat

as just back from the vets she's locked in our bedroom for uh seven days yeah god your house is is tough at the moment isn't it it's tough at the moment yeah and so I go upstairs to go into the bedroom. I open the door. As I open the door, the cat, who is still in that jumper, shoots past me at top speed, right? Oh, no. Runs downstairs. I chase her downstairs.

The kitchen door's open. She runs out of the house. She's not even allowed out of the bedroom. Jumps up onto the fence and disappears into someone else's garden and i'm like i can't deal with this i simply i'm not in the mental state to deal with this situation rose has kept the cat in all week while i've been away the minute she leaves the house i open the door she doesn't just leave the bedroom She manages to get out the fucking house. And now she's in someone else's garden.

In a red jumper. In a red jumper. And she's not going to be jumping on things. And then my son wakes up. And I'm like holding him, pacing forward and back. Desperately calling out my cat's name as if that will make any fucking difference to anything what is that oh my god give me your best barrel how do you call him how do you call her barrel doing that nothing just going and then i'm like shake some dreamies shake the dreamies

yeah but she doesn't even want dry food so she's on to the wet food you can't shake the wet food i'll put it out squeeze it squeeze it here's the wet food and then i'm like i don't know whether i can phone rose about this like do i try and remedy the situation but then i'm like i can't keep this to myself this is too stressful so yeah because you can't there this to myself. This is too stressful. There's no point texting her. She's at ballet. She can't find her. I know. And all she's going to do is worry. So what did you do?

I phoned my agent. Because I didn't know you needed to talk to her. You didn't. I did. Josh. I just thought, I need to talk to someone about this. I've let her get out of the house. Josh, what the fuck did your agent say? I had other things to talk to someone about this. I've let a cat out of the house. Josh, what the fuck did your agent say?

I had other things to talk to her about. So I just weaved it into the conversation at the end. So you pretended to ring her for work stuff, but the real reason was the cat. She texted me about a work thing, and I was like, I'll phone her back about this. At the end of it, I can at least let go of the cat information to someone else.

And what did she say? Was she concerned? Not as concerned as I was. Did she take a percentage of your worry? 15% of my worry? Oh, they take 15 years, do they? Okay. Oh my

God, it was... Anyway, I phoned Rose. I just couldn't keep it to myself. Oh, so you phoned your agent and your wife because you lost the cat? Yeah. This is... this is peak. This is peak performer Josh Whitaker here in absolute panic mode. And then Rose didn't give a shit. Oh, really?

Yeah. Well, she was on a date with John, obviously. Oh, the other, the other dad she keeps going out with. Well, no, they just take our daughters to ballet. That's convenient. And nothing else? No, nothing else. Of course nothing else, Rob.

No, but I don't know if there's other classes at Rose Events. No, there's no other classes. Oh, right, okay. So they just go and meet at ballet every week and have a coffee

while they're in ballet. Well, no. And you're at home crying, cuddling. You're at home crying, pacing, going, Spirul! What's going on with my life?

Oh, I had a nightmare this morning as well, Rob. You are... How much of this stuff did you take? Too much. Four pills. Over four nights. You know the score.

Do half and see how you feel. It felt great. That's why it was working. That's the problem, isn't it? That's the problem. You still feel like you're really energised. Yeah. So, my daughter's got into the videos that...

You know when your phone does, like, photo montages set to music? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The way it feels like the end of a funeral. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's got into watching them this morning. And obviously the problem with it is it's always...

It's like pictures of her on Christmas Eve and then there's always a screen grab of like a comedian who sent an awful tweet that I've obviously screen grabbed to send someone else halfway through. Yeah. Let's make the montage. Anyway. She did the Christmas Eve one, Rob.

And I would say anyone listening to this who is listening with children, maybe fast forward the next two minutes, if that makes sense. Okay. So if you're listening with kids, stop listening for a moment. She did the Christmas Eve one, Rob. Yeah. And there was a picture of the mince pie and the carrot. Yeah.

And then there was a picture of me eating the mince pie and drinking the brandy. She didn't put two toes together. Thank God. She didn't. She just thought you was eating a mince pie. What did we want? And having some brandy. But I was like, oh, my God.

You don't need that in a state of high anxiety, do you? No, you do not need that in a state of high anxiety. How are the sleeping pills working out for you, Josh? Well, I've had a year of sleep, but I've ruined Christmas. I've cried and the cat's gone. What a disaster. What did your agent say, though, about the cat going missing as you weaved into the conversation?

She didn't really give any help per se, but she did listen. She's a very good listener. You've got to bear in mind, Rob, she's put up with me for 12 years now. She's used to this kind of shit. This isn't out of the blue. This is the kind of shit she's putting in week in, week out. Oh, my God. You know, the kind of shit where you get the impression

she's probably catching up on emails. Do you know what I mean? She's actually muted you, and she's talking to Romesh on her other ear. Exactly. Because he's lost his dog well um talking about unpacking bags i want to get to get your opinion on this okay so talking about packing a suitcase we went to the zoo overnight and lou always and it drives me mental

okay always packs a bag she panics at the last minute and then just gets out a massive like sort of carrier bag and just throws everything in it rather than putting it in a proper bag or a suitcase what do you mean so could she take some i've just sent you a picture i've seen your picture you see that oh my word oh yeah it's just everything she might need but what happens is because she doesn't really get involved in loading the car or unloading the car on a holiday because she does more of the packing, which is fine. We've picked our jobs. Yeah.

But I just explained to her, that is not helpful because it all falls out. You can't stack it. You can't put it on a trolley. You can't carry it anywhere. And then I'm just walking through like a hotel with a Costco bag. Let's be honest, Rob. It's not full of soft toys, but it looks like it's full of soft toys. Yeah, I mean, it might as well be, to be honest,

but that's got all our stuff in. You're the only people that have brought a huge, cuddly leopard to a safari park. Yeah, because the thing about safari parks is they don't have, you know, leopard teddies you can buy, do they? No, exactly. But that's been driving me mental.

So the split is Lou does the packing and you pack the car. Is that how it works in your house? Yeah, yeah, and I'll drive. And obviously she wouldn't pack like that for an aeroplane, but whenever we go anywhere in the UK, that's how she packs. So it's like a last-minute trolley dash situation. Yeah, but what's annoying is it's always left to me to put in a car,

and then you can't really stack it because it all falls out in the car. And then when we park somewhere, sometimes you've got to walk for ages, and I've just got this massive shopping bag rather than a you know a holder that's got proper straps or a suitcase of wheels and she's never seen it but when we got there we had to get on this golf buggy to get to the the room it was spilling out everywhere all over the floor bouncing everywhere and i was going see i thought it was so vindicated i said see like, see? It's not useful, is it? It was really...

You know, when someone's like... I was really... My reaction to it was well over the top of what it should be. Yeah, of course. Of course. Oh, that would do my head in, Rob. And does it come back in that bag? Yeah, again.

It just falls all out and it's a nightmare. But it does my head in. Basically, what I'm doing is I'm shaming her on the podcast. Well, on that, Rob... Yeah. Did you see that? You I'm shaming her on the podcast. Well, on that Rob, did you see that? You saw that message that someone had sent us that I put on Instagram of how they think being married to you must be.

Yes. Someone, their question was, is marrying Rob like being in Disneyland every day to Lou? Stressful and hot. And then their follow-up question was what's it like, what are the good and bad bits being married to a stiff-necked like Josh? It was a real kick in the teeth.

Is your relationship like Disneyland every day, Rob? No, I wouldn't say it is like Disneyland every day. It may be the end part when you're tired and trying to get home after being on all the rides or the queues. But I think though, Josh, I don't think that's that bad.

I think you read that in a very emotional, vulnerable state. Yes, I do realise that I was in a strange place. I mean, I'm still in a strange place. I mean, because you've been very active on Instagram as well, haven't you? Have I? For you, yeah, like posting loads of stuff. Oh, God, I don't even remember this. Also as well, Lou has now got a public account.

So if you listen to this and you want to follow Lou, it's Lou underscore EM. And she keeps getting really, she's got a notification. She can't work out a ton of notifications. So if loads of people follow her, she gets really panicked and it drains her battery down. So I was telling everyone on Instagram to follow her and she's got 50,000 followers now.

Oh my God. We could be the new Ramses. We could be the new Ramses. You could be the new Ramses, Rob. So she's getting quite anxious. She keeps asking me what I should post and keeps getting scared. Papa John's has offered her a free pizza as well for a post. She's become an influencer.

Yeah. An influencer that doesn't influence. A free pizza. That's a kick in the teeth, isn't it? They said to celebrate getting 50K, how about a free pizza? She's not going to do it. Oh, no. But you know what?

They've got their bloody promo. I know, bastards. They've absolutely done you there. Fuck. I have a couple of things that's been happening in our house, Josh. My daughter screams, I've got a problem, I've got a problem, in the middle of the night or just before she goes to sleep because she falls out of bed on purpose oh that's annoying and it's quite funny as you come in because you see her in different angles but she sort of just pretends to fall

fall out of bed and is she is she in any specific danger there rob well not really because she's done it to herself but at some points her neck is perilously close to being snapped because she's sort of like her whole body weight on her head yeah and if i and i felt like if just one person pushed her down it would snap her neck yeah but obviously no one's there to do that no no no of course and i'm not asking for someone to be there to do that oh lou got told off josh by your daughters no no no by a by an adult woman oh no you know when you get told off by an adult woman out in the world, it's really annoying. Yeah, yeah.

So basically, and the girls go to gymnastics, and it's a really good one, they enjoy going, but it's at the local school, right? The gymnastics is higher off the school, and then it's right by the car park, the little entrance bit. So Lou drops them off, takes the dog for a walk, comes back and picks them up, and a few people do that with dogs just on leads,

and just waiting for the girls to come out and then like the head teacher come out and started having a go going excuse me this is a school and it's saturday morning this is a school and dogs are banned they must not be on site like that oh god i'd feel so awful miserable that would do me that's it for me. That's the day ruined. And then Lou was like, oh, I'm really sorry. I didn't realise. I've just taken the dog for a walk and, you know, I'm waiting for my kids. She went, get them off site immediately.

And just, and John. Lou was like, yeah, I know, but I've got to get my, I've got young children coming out and I've got to get them. And then the girls come out and they run off to play around the corner. She was like, leave site immediately. And then Lou was like, I can't. My children aren't with me. I can't. I know, I know you've got, she was like, leave sight immediately. And then Lou was like, I can't. My children aren't with me. I can't. I know you've got...

She was like, you must leave. And Lou was like, yes, I understand. No dogs in the playground is the rule, but I cannot abandon my children in this playground without taking the dog. Do you know what? Lou stood up for herself more than I would. I'm so bad at being told off.

I think I'd have just left the kids. No, Lou hates it. And when Lou was telling me this, she was like, yeah, I didn't really say it quite like that. But that's what I wish I said. So I don't know what she actually said. But I just sort of think that if it's a weekend and there's a dog on a lead and it's behaving nicely, I understand it on a school day. Because everyone will bring dogs that will be mental. But if you're willing to profit from hiring out your hall

you've got to take on some newcomers we don't know that that head teacher hasn't just undergone a course of sleeping pills and she's struggling to come off them but I think there's a way of doing things just sort of go, oh I'm really sorry there's no dogs allowed on the school your dog's been really well behaved but if we let some

I think it's just a way of doing things they love a telling off though, head teachers that's the problem, teachers I'm really sorry. There's no dogs allowed on the school. And like your dog's being really well behaved. But then if we let some and we can't let them. I think it's just a way of doing things. They love a telling off though. Our teachers don't. Yeah, that's the problem. Teachers, especially primary school teachers, absolutely love it. Because they're not used to anyone talking back to them.

No, exactly. They wander around like actual little admirals of schools. Because teachers and police are the hardest people to have in an audience. Do you think? 100% in comedy. Because they're not used to being spoken to like that and being like in like like when you're on stage you're in charge of that sort of communication

aren't you and they have to sit and be quiet and they're used to the ones talking the teachers and police of course that's not all teaching police had some police police officer in in the other day absolute dog filth scum but he was a nice guy um oink oink piggy piggy but he was a nice guy. Oink, oink, piggy, piggy. But that was a nice enough guy. Oh, did you ever get in trouble with the police, Rob? No, I was pretty good, actually, to be honest. I was a good boy.

Unlike my youngest daughter, who came home from school the other day and said that she'd been showing her boobs to her friend. Whoa whoa which was worrying they're only four but they were showing each other their boobs but the friend was a boy and he showed it he showed her his boobs i don't think it's a fair trade-off no exactly he's worked out an absolute life hack there hasn't he he's gonna be on love island in 20 years time

um oh i've got an idea of some photos i want sent in He's going to be on Love Island in 20 years time. Oh, I've got an idea of some photos I want sent in for the podcast to put on our Instagram. One, big blazers. Big blazers?

It's coming up, it's coming up to September time in the next few months, like, you know. Sorry, I thought you meant

like people who smoked weed. Sorry. No, no, no, big blazers, yeah,

like, any photos of Snoop Dogg? Have you heard of a man called Snoop Doggy Dogg? No, but, you know, like, because people have to start buying school uniforms in about july august for the start in september and i remember at school there was this one kid his mum bought a blazer for him in year seven and i

swear he still had it in year 11 just because it was so big growing space in a blazer is something that is spoken about a lot when you buy a blazer so if you've got any photos of you as a kid in a blazer is something that is spoken about a lot when you buy a blazer so if you've got any photos of you as a kid in a blazer that was way too big but you actually were not wearing your dad's one one you actually wore to school because your mum said you grow into it please can i have some big blazer big jumpers or big shirts or any of those yeah like it doesn't yeah no actually just blazers j So, yeah, so two things, big uniform, where you've got it to grow into,

and then small uniform. When you're in year 11, and you've got like one more week of term left, and your mum's left you in them ankle swingers, because she's like, I'm not buying you another pair of trousers, you can have six form next year. So big uniform, small uniform.

Did you have, did you have bad uniform Rob? My mum was all pretty good actually, to be honest um but um there was this one kid and his blazer was so it looked like he'd borrowed it off an orangutan the sleeves just swang what were your shoes when you're at school did you have the cool shoes not really then i didn't have uncle ones sort of like marks and spencers i think i had a pair of kickers i had a pair of kickers mate but also in my school it was all people had gucci loafers did they but like

some fake some real but the real ones are all stolen people had gucci loafers at your school yeah but bromley's a bit essexy did you go to school with tomorrow eccleston like what's going like no but they weren't real it weren't real a lot of it was fake oh because they were the shoes in southeast london essex a gucci loafer was the shoe so that their dad would have probably a proper pair but they'd get fake ones from like turkey on holiday or whatever yeah yeah and but it was very smart and grown up like my school oh really yeah it's a bit like essex like you know you see talk me through mufti day rob who's that It's a bit like Essex. Like, you know, you see... Talk me through Mufti Day, Rob.

Who's that? Mufti Day. A non-uniform day. Sorry. Oh, non-uniform. Oh, Unclosed Day. Devon slang that. Mufti Day.

We used to call it Unclosed Day. And then I always go, but the uniform is my clothes. I don't borrow them. I bought them. And I was so funny at school. But when we were younger, it would have been football kits.

Everyone would just, like, would have worn a football kit. Yeah. And then when we got a bit old, like 15, 16, it would have been Gucci loafers, a yeah and then when we got a bit old like 15 16 it would have been gucci loafers a lot of lacoste and ralph lauren pastel colored polo shirts oh wow a lot of people to go to america and buy it from outlets and then come and sell it there's a lot of like dodgy gear knocking about like what were you wearing rob i had a ralph lauren polo shirt

that i absolutely loved but my dad shrunk and then tried to stretch it and he ripped a hole in it i remember that and then a pair of brown like loafers it was a lot of loafers no socks ralph were in polo shirt wow so you were dressed for a night out we would have been trainers at that point spliffy jeans yes mate really i'd said that as a joke i know year year eight i had the full spliffy outfit no way really jacket yeah big blazer talk about people oh lovely rob but the um what about um yan sport yan sport backpack no i had a nike nike air backpack what trainers were you wearing uh nike hairs and then some adidas yeah i can remember that i'd only have one pair of trainers do you know what i mean oh yeah one i'd one trainers for like going out and playing

in the one training is for trainers for best. For best? What were you doing? Going up west to take in a show? No, but if we were going out somewhere to like birthday parties, you'd have a nice pair of trainers that you couldn't play football in. Yeah, right. And then you'd have your scruffy ones

and then your school shoes. Yeah, yeah, of course. That was it. And I couldn't believe it. When I started working in London, people would go like, I remember I worked in this office and they were going somewhere

and they went, oh, you need your hiking boots. I was i was like as if anyone's got any fucking hiking boots like knocking about but people did because i didn't realize i wrote about this in my first book i didn't realize that they're basically when you work in class and you sort of live in like london you don't realize that to do certain things there's proper outfits so like if you go on a big walk you need a pair of like waterproof hiking boots or walking shoes and like waterproof trousers i'd just go in a pair of shorts and trainers and be soaking wet and just thought everyone got wet feet when they went for a walk do you know my favorite bit of that rob is rob beckett saying the phrase i wrote about this in

my first book yes william shakespeare actually it brings me back to my first book um yes the sunday times bestseller or i say that to lou sometimes when i'm going to write this book i'll just like i'm chatting to him like sorry i've just got to pop up just an author getting on with his day and she goes fuck off just an author just taking the world in and trying to put it in a book for people to enjoy i author beckett oh i tell you what rob yeah i i'm looking for your tips on this because this is kent okay yeah so i'll be back by the time uh this has gone out but we're off to whitstable oh it's lovely whitstable what should i do with the family in whitstable how long are you there for three nights have you got a car or you just get the train there and back driving Oh, it's lovely, Whitstable. What should I do with the family in Whitstable? How long are you there for?

Three nights. Have you got a car or are you just getting a train there and back? Driving. It's only an hour from my house. Yeah, it's great. Whitstable's lovely. Oysters. Do you like oysters? Well, I don't eat oysters, Rob. Okay. Rose, does she like them?

Well, we want... No, I don't think she does. Don't get bogged down by the oysters. There's other food. We once went for dinner. There was four of us. And they brought out three oysters. And one of us was allergic to oysters. Rose didn't like oysters. And I don't eat oysters because I'm vegetarian.

They're not animals. They are animals. Come on now. You've got to draw the line somewhere, mate. And there's no way. Leave it out. Fucking oysters and animal. You've got to count it as an animal, haven't you? What are you drawing the line?

It's like a fish's cough summing out. Oh, sorry, I'll eat that then. That sounds great. Anyway, now, Whitstable, I'd say Whitstable's lovely and very chilled. You might get a little bit bored there with the kids, but don't worry because 20 minutes down the road is Margate. Peter's Fish and Chips in margate is absolutely amazing yeah and also there's got loads of cool little bars around the edge it's a sandy beach as well so the kids might

like that more what's the beach in whitstable a pebble you've got to be effing kidding me haven't you yeah you will not be sat on the beach with the kids in whitstable you'll be driving for that of god i don't think they should be allowed anymore. They'd need to break these pebbles up and make them sandy, these pebble beaches, don't they? What a concept that would be. If I was running for PM, I'd go, every pebble

beach are going to make sandy, and I would win a landslide. No pun intended. Imagine what that'd do to the tourism industry. Yeah, exactly. Let's make Britain work. Let's make Britain worse. Rob, let's be honest. The beach in Brighton can absolutely do one. Oh, it's dreadful, isn't it?

It's so uncomfortable. I do think, though, sometimes seaside towns with pebbly beaches means the town's better because they've had to put more effort in. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Where it's sandy, they think, oh, they'll be on the beach. Who cares? Yeah, you might as well not have a beach.

Do you know what I mean? What's the point of having a stony beach? Well, what started out as a great bit of PR for Whitstable has really turned. Sorry, yeah. Well, I'll give my review next week because I'm looking forward to it as a place to go. But the news that it's pebbly.

I once went to the beach. And I was going to, I can't remember where I was going. And I said to my dad, who'd been before, I said, is it pebbly or is it sandy and he said it depends where you draw the line and I was like what between a pebble

and a grain of sand like how how what there's no beach where you're like I can't tell this is a stone

or a piece of sand is there well what I'd say is though half an hour an hour away, 25 minutes, is Margate. And they've got a place called Dreamland, which is... Oh, Rob. I've heard of Dreamland, Margate. Isn't it, like, really, really edgy? No, it's not.

So, basically, Margate is half a bit, like, rough and also really hipster-y and cool and loads of good stuff there. So, if you go there, I'd massively recommend that. The kids will love it. It's got Sandy Beach. Go there for the day, Sandy Beach, Peter's Fish and Chips, and then go to Dreamland Margate, and it's loads of fun rides that the kids will love,

and it's all been done up. But honestly, it's great. You'll love it. Okay, I'll let you know how it all goes. Noel Gullick has done gigs there, and the Libertines, and Tom Grennan. It's like a venue. I know it's the Libertines Hotel there.

I read an interview with Pete Doherty yesterday. He's been banned from his own hotel. Has he? Yeah. Why? He got banned for bringing too many undesirables into the Libertines Hotel. Oh, no. Imagine the Libertines calling them undesirables.

Do you know what, Rob? It feels very stressful to be that free. Do you know what I mean? To live life with that amount of freedom. I was reading the interview, and I thought, I couldn't deal with this. This is stressful. He goes out with the interviewer to take the dog for a walk, comes back, he's left the car running for an hour.

I couldn't deal with that. Not with his petrol prices. Oh, I've got a child. Hello. What do you want? You all right? I'm hungry. You're hungry?

Okay, right, I'll get you something to eat in a minute. Do you want to come and say hello to Josh? Come and say hello. Hello. You're about to hear it. Just shout hello, Josh. Hello, Josh. There we go. Hello, how are you?

He said, how are you? You good? You hungry? Right, do you want to go and get a snack and I'll see you in a minute? Do they make their own snacks? They don't make their own snacks. They access their own snacks. But there's a tier system of snacks. There's healthier snacks on tap. Yeah. We're talking fruit like crackers stuff like

that then there's a little separate treat snack stuff that's like haribo or crisps and things like that but but somehow the normal crisps have made their way into the accessible snacks which means an absolute crisp tsunami last week where i literally was walking through like empty crisp packets like it was leaves in autumn what a lovely image well you know as an author i've got away with words of course you've got you're working on your second book haven't you rob um so yeah definitely go dreamland for the day and you'll like it but i'm going for the day he's nice and then you can go back to whitstable um right should should we do a small business shout out? Oh, okay, cool.

Here's one. Hi guys, I have a small business based in Lanarkshire, Scotland. How do you say it? Is it Lanarkshire? Lanarkshire. Lanarkshire. Lanarkshire. Lanarkshire, Scotland.

Providing teepee parties for young kids. I cover birthday sleepovers, communions and weddings. I imagine bar mitzvahs too any occasion where keeping young ones amused and happy matters i would love a small business shout out here we go 40winkedtps.co.uk can't wait to come and see you guys in manchester next year all the best shirley oh these are quite cool for like a kid's birthday they're like little tps that you can put in your house like in the front room or like in their bedroom And you can have like, they can do like one or two or loads. They're really cute.

That's great for a sleepover. Yeah, so that's 40winkstpees.co.uk based up in Scotland there. Hello, my name is Amy and I've just caught up listening to all your podcasts. Thank you for making me laugh while I've been listening at work. I have two children of my own. One has autism, so it brings its own challenges. I would love a small business shout out i am from the east midlands we started setting up children's party high gazebos last year it's two very similar businesses in different parts of the country rob that's the beauty of it we're covering the whole country countries uh we started

setting up children's party gazebos last year when the government started letting people socialise in gardens. We created many themes. Our most popular theme has been, of course, the dinosaurs. My website is www.bypersonalrequest.com. Where are they based? East Midlands. Okay, so that's your teeps sorted and gazebo sorted for scotland and the east midlands thank us later josh i'll see you on friday hopefully you won't be sad

oh i really hope not all right see you then see you then katherine ryan on friday i'll tell you what's upset me now why Why is it £2.50 to cross the Dartford Crossing? It's a bridge. You don't actually have to pay £2.50 to cross a bridge. I'd rather swim. And also, why do you get fined when you forget to pay it? You have to remember to pay it. You are getting fined for failing a memory test.

It should be illegal. I tell you what I can't stand. Loud typists in cafes on trains. How hard you need to hit the keyboard. Sounds like you're smashing it with a sledgehammer. What about people that run down the park with their prams? What are you doing? Yoga in public.

Stop it. These are the sort of things that upset us. And we talk about them on our podcast, What's Upset You Now? Which is back every Tuesday and Thursday. We have a guest on every Tuesday and previous guests are included. Romesh Ranganathan, Catherine Ryan, Jack D, Rob Beckett, Stuart Lee, Mark Lamar.

Out every Tuesday and Thursday, wherever you usually get your podcast. What's Upset You Now is back. Hello, I'm Tom Crane. And I'm Simran Shah. And we're the hosts of the new food and comedy podcast, My Favourite Takeaway, where each week we're invited into the home of a celebrity guest to share their favourite takeaway, exactly as they'd normally have it. We'll be trying it all, from Peruvian street food slouched on James Acaster's L-shaped sofa,

to an Antiguan feast huddled around Andy Oliver's dinner table, via an Alfresco Indian takeaway sat in Tom Allen's garden. And we also want to hear from you, the listener. Your takeaway disasters. Your weird habits. And your personal takeaway recommendations. You can follow us on Insta, My Favourite Takeaway Podcast. On Twitter, at favetakeawaypod.

Or you can email us, hello, at myfavouritetakewaypodcast.com. And don't forget to subscribe, like and share. My Favourite Takeaway, the podcast for anyone who loves food, but can't always be bothered to cook it. Available on all podcast platforms now. Hello, Tom Allen here. And Susie Ruffle. We have a podcast called Like-Minded Friends.

It's very much a celebration of, I don't know, what would you say, Suze, being queer? Being queer, but also chit-chat. There's loads of straight people that love it, so I think that you should come along and listen to it. There's something for everybody. It's been described as white noise for gays, but also we had a lovely section about Glade plugins.

So why don't you listen to it? Search Like-Minded Friends wherever you get your podcasts. That sounded quite professional, didn't it?