Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S04 EP41: Fee - Fi - Pho - Mum

Episode Date: June 21, 2022

S04 EP41: Fee - Fi - Pho - MumMore (mis) adventures in parenting and beyond from Rob and Josh...Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks Rob + JoshBIG NEWS.... we're writing a book! ⭐ All the stories we can��t tell on the podcast – in depth.⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents)⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them... [e-mail]'s it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)?And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick?Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike.Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here: https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBookIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellMAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Willow, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Rob Beckett. Well done. Did you hear that straight, Rob,

or did you hear Rose answering the door to deliver her? Well, I heard a child talking but also uh Rose I thought it was Rose answering the door but I didn't think it was Deliveroo she greeted that uh man I'm gonna say man it felt like a man like sort of like a family member well we do get a lot of Deliveroo so you know it's the same guy it's the same guy it's a regular here's your regular no so that was Rose getting a Deliveroo I do apologize it means the same guy it's the same guy it's a regular here's your regular no so that was rose getting a delivery i do apologize it means i didn't listen to the clip at all because i was panicking about rose getting the delivery being caught on like well yeah we've got that i think

keep it in i've never i've i couldn't tell you anything that happened in that clip isn't that terrible yeah i mean i was distracted too if i'm honest with you, now all I want to know is what delivery you got. Pho. What's that? Pho. It's P-H-O. Like, it's like noodles. Noodles. Okay. East London Wagamamas.

East London Wagamamas. Pho. I thought you was going to say pho, like, you know, like faux fur. Pho meat. Oh, yeah. No, no. But they do do pho meat,

but I don't really, I don't really do pho meat. Is it called faux pho meat or is it pho, feet pho, pho, pho, feet mum mum? What happened there? You just lost it in the end. I tried to do a

feet faux faux fun pun but I'll be honest with you I'm having one of the worst hangovers I've had for about 15 years. You said feet faux mum at the end. I don't know why

your mum came into it. It's a parenting podcast. Councillor would have an absolute field day with why my mum's coming to that Don't turn the tables on me I can hear you rubbing your little crusty hands together Because you feel human again People have been messaging me

Worrying about you Yes, too right they should have been I've had a terrible time You sound better I slept last night Roses just said bad news. What's happening? Should I go in the other What we can do if I cut the baby Rob

Should I go in our bedroom? Are you asking me or her? Rose, obviously, not you. I don't think you've got any input. We haven't got a bedroom. We'll just shag at that travel lodge every three weeks. Bit of MCAT. This is an absolute no. Because, oh, can you hear me? Yeah, you cut out a bit.

Oh, my recording's stopped. Okay. What a fucking mess. This is an absolute disaster. This is why we don't normally record in the evening, isn't it? Yes, because... Oh, my God. I've just fallen over a box.

Do you know what? This podcast is basically who's had the worst day, and it swings wildly. It's like a basketball match. Rob, so my headphones have come out. So you're coming directly out of the computer. Oh, am I?

Yeah, and I'm about to go past my son's room. So could you just whisper for the next 10 seconds? I'll sing. Silent night, holy night, holy as calm. Is that nice? Does that help? Do we have to pay royalties for that? Absolutely not.

You didn't hit one of the right notes. All right. I think you need to plug your headphones and microphone in properly. So the anxiety's back after a clip or what? Okay, hang on. So hang on, let's get you settled. Are you away from the... How is Rose not livid with you, or is she livid?

Hello? Hello, want to? Yeah, I'm here. Oh, for the love of God, my microphone's gone wrong. I'm here. Oh, for the love of God, my microphone's gone wrong. I'm back, I'm back, I'm back, I'm back. Do you know what? I think it's good for the listeners to hear us not on a mic,

and then it really makes you realise how great mics are. Oh, now my doorbell's going. This is absolutely... You're joking. Fuck it up. This is why we don't record at 7.30pm. There's a taxi for... Is that for me? What?

That's an Edison Lee at my house. Am I working tonight? What's happening? Oh, no. It's a bit late for you to be working, surely. No, I can't be. Oh, no, that's getting... Something's getting couriered off.

Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, my God. Welcome to the podcast. That was a three-year-old Olive from Hertfordshire. What's that noise? Have you got the window open? Yeah, because it's fucking boiling, mate.

It's about 400 degrees. If I can hear the road. That's because we live on a road. Get it over with. We're trying to do a podcast, Josh. But, Rob, I've got... All right, I'll have to close the windows. This is a disaster.

Never has a podcast swung so many ways. I thought I was going to go and do a gig then. When I saw that cab, I thought, am I doing a 10 o'clock closing set somewhere? Right, OK. Some charity gig I forgot about. You know them charity gigs you go, yeah, I'll do that. You think I'll cancel it that week before.

Oh, no, I forgot to cancel it. Right. No, it's not for me. It's some clothes. I'm going to close the windows. Can you film? Because I won't be listening. So you can slow down.

Okay, what do you want? The rest of... Silent night. Holy night. All is calm. All is calm All is bright How many fucking windows you got? Come on, mate.

Give me a chance. You back? Oh, dear. This is like that lord from Longleat trying to shut all his windows. You went for ages. You live in a Victorian terrace. I've only closed two windows. Oh, right, OK. Big all his windows. You went for ages. You live in a Victorian terrace. I've only closed two windows.

Oh, right, OK. Big old Victorian ones. We need to move to a fucking cul-de-sac. I'll tell you that for free. Piccadilly Junction. That's not even what it's called, Piccadilly Circus. How did I get that wrong? What a terrible start.

That's got to be one of our best or worst starts to a show ever. Yeah, you get both. It's all subjectiveness, isn't it? Yeah. Right, OK, let's break things down. I'll talk to you about my hangover and children in a minute. Talk to me. Are you OK?

I've had people worried about you, Josh. Yeah, OK, do you want me to just fill you in? Yes. I had a couple of bad more days okay so for people that don't know you took sleeping tablets and the side effects were depression loss of memory and anything else yeah you don't get erections anyway so that's not part that's not directly from it is it i haven't had a sexual thought in a week. I farted. This is horrible. This can't go on the air.

I didn't hear the fart. No, and that's added another week onto that. Michael's going to put a fart in the editing. Like a really comedy one. Sorry. Right, OK. So, right, yeah. So you took these tablets and you stopped taking them when you realised...

I gigged a few times with the same comic once, right? Just over a period of time. And every time before the gig, he'd go into the adjoining toilet that was obviously... You know when a toilet's basically the dressing room with a door between the two of you? Yeah, yeah. And he'd do the most nervous shit

you've ever heard in your life. But like he was playing a comedy sound effect scene. And I think, surely he realises I can hear this. What would it be like? So it was like this. I'd be sat there in essentially the same room. Essentially the same room thinking, this guy, who is an intelligent guy... Needs a new job.

Must realise... This isn't good for his body. If any other job made you do that you'd go I've got to leave this job imagine a pilot imagine waiting to get on the plane

pilot's in there we'll be a taxi we'll be cruising oh sorry that's a what a start. Okay. So how are you feeling now, mate?

Anyway, so I am... The main side effect of the sleeping tablets, ironically, was insomnia. So that was... I'm going to explode. I need to drink so bad. Who's this doctor? Dr. Ribbert? So it's never...

I've spoken to two doctors. It's not... It's never happened before, basically. Really? I've had this basic... You had it quite... We're making a joke out of this, but it's been quite traumatic. traumatic yeah it's been really traumatic i've had like some dark times in the

last few years really i'm sorry it's all right it's all right stop laughing when you tell me about it no it's fine you're coming out the other side of it yeah so well it shows you it's chemicals in it in your head totally and i And I just, I basically went. But last night I slept. Last night I had a couple of beers with dinner. I was so tired. But do you know what happened yesterday? I talked to my therapist about it, generally.

Yeah. And she reassured me that, in her opinion, having spoken to me for ten minutes, this wasn't me. this was a chemical thing this wasn't like you having a flare up of anxiety I've never seen you like this before in my life that's not what you want to hear

from a therapist well in a way it is because it made you go oh right because in my head I was like what if this is me forever oh mate I was like what if I never sleep again? Because for people that didn't listen, I couldn't sleep in hotels. So I took these things when I was in hotels for a few days.

Then when I got back, I was basically having this... I'd managed to botch the insomnia out to every place in the world. Not just hotels. Anyway, speaking to a couple of people, then spoke to a couple of doctors as well yeah one who's the original doctor who i spoke to and one who was um well cut a long story short mike was an ex-wife who's the only doctor i know how are you well mike wasn't it as well as of course used to be a doctor but i didn't trust she's very good though she's still doing it she yeah she's still doing it she's very reassuring

anyway just those chats made me really calm down and oh that's good yeah and then last night i slept well and now we're at home yeah so oh yeah because you went away to whitstable didn't you yeah so god do you want me to tell you about Whitstable and then? Yeah. How was Whitstable? So you did half of Whitstable, still severely depressed in Somniac. Almost all of it, actually. Oh, okay.

So, but. What a place. Whitstable was lovely. Oh, okay. I'm going to give the full marks to Whitstable. What a place. It's great, isn't it? It's great.

Loved it. Absolutely loved it. Now, there was a slight issue, which you'll be delighted with go on um so um this trip has been postponed since before covid so this airbnb and it's just been kicked down the road until now when we booked it, Rob, we only had one child. So there was... There was space issues going on. Okay, so what was it, a two-bed? Because your mother-in-law went as well, didn't she? Yeah, yeah.

So it was... So we were like, well, there's a big room and there's a spare room. We'll put Rosie's mum in the spare room and then we'll go in with our son and our daughter can go on the mezzanine. Right, okay, yeah, okay, yeah. That seems like, fine. Yeah.

And then, turned out, that was the lightest room in the world. What, the bigger room? Yeah, so bright. And he's not used to that. So, I'd say... Did he put technically blackout curtains? No, of course not.

Also, you could not have gone at a brighter time. I couldn't have gone at a brighter time. It was still light at 10pm. But you were dark all day. I was dark all day and night. If only you could put them in your soul to go to sleep. So this is my tip. Yeah.

Well, firstly... don't take drugs firstly don't just say no but going on holiday with a one-year-old is insane particularly to an airbnb full of nice things because they had they made our house look trinket light rob, Rob. Really? It was a lovely house. A bit modernist-er, your house, compared to theirs. Yeah, exactly. We looked like, what's that woman? I can't even remember. Mary Kondo. Yeah, we looked like Mary Kondo had been round. See, the references don't work if you have to source the name, do they?

Yeah. I was at Ascot yesterday, right, and it was a bit, I'll talk about it, a bit quiet laddy, but there was this geezer who'll talk about it a bit, quite laddy, but there was this geezer who was giving me loads of shit, and he came bowling over and he had a grey, like, pinstripe suit with orange on it and a big orange tyre, and he started giving me shit, and I went, oh, here he comes, the CEO of EasyJet, fuck off, Stelios. And it really, it hit hard. Yeah.

It really slapped. That's your club, comedy club training, Rob. Oh, bang. Yeah, straight down his throat. He was livid. Then I just hammered him with Speedy Balding, just loads of other, like, EasyJet references. It was unbelievable.

Here we go, Rob. At one point, I went, where's Leo? I went, where's Leo? Remember Leo from Airline? You know, the ITV show. No, I don't remember Leo from Airline. I remember Jeremy Spake from Airport. Jeremy, so he's a camp guy with the goatee, wasn't he?

Yeah, I remember him. He was like one of the breakout stars. I'm going to send you a picture of Leo. I reckon you'll recognise him. I heard a funny story about Jeremy Spake. Someone told me a story that they were on a show with him. Yeah. And the show was quite badly organised.

And it was all going wrong and Jeremy Spake was getting a bit annoyed. Must be used to that, Heathrow. Come on. Lovely. Not that hungover. I've got it. That's Leo. I've just sent you Leo.

All right, I'll have a look. Yeah. Sorry. Before my Jeremy Spake punchline, that isn't going to make the edit anyway. Sorry. I've never seen that guy before in my life. I really put a wedge in your shirt. I've never seen that guy before in my life.

What a waste of everyone's time. You just sent me a picture of a man in an orange shirt I've never seen before. Ruining what is, at best, a three out of ten Jeremy Spake anecdote, but all I've got on it. There's so much build-up to the Jeremy Spake one. It's just not good. It's quite... It's what I'd describe as a light bit of humour.

It's not going to hit hard. It's not, you couldn't get away with this at Ascot. Yeah, this isn't a fuck-off Stelios line. No, this is going to be greeted with a kind of, huh, yeah, that's funny. Yeah, go on. We've done worse, haven't we? Yeah. Wow, it feels like there's too much pressure on it now, Rob. I don't think I can deliver the anecdote.

No, you'll be alright. Cut crack on. So, Jeremy Spake was on this show. There was also Katrina on the airline. Do you remember her? Jeremy Spake, you remember him? Do you want me to send you a photo? He was on this show, and it was really badly, well, it was all going wrong or whatever, and Jeremy Spake got a bit angry. And he said,

I have never been treated this badly in all of my four weeks in television. That's a good line. Was he doing that on purpose? No. No? No. I mean, that is hilarious if you mean it,

but in the wrong way there. That's so Paul. Je there. So, Paul. Jezza. Oh, I like Jeremy Spake. Jeremy, that was pretty good. Support yourself there. I don't think you've shook off the medication yet. That was great.

Be kind to yourself. So, anyway, Whitstable. Yeah. So we couldn't put him in that room. So, basically, Rob, we only had two bedrooms. Are you telling me you slept with your mother-in-law? Is this the end of the story no okay don't worry rose is like don't worry he's not a sexual thought in a week you'll be fine in there

you might have a panic attack in your bed but that's about the worst thing that happened either that or he just paced round like a polar bear at a zoo. So anyway, we had to move him into the other bedroom. Right. But the other bedroom was too small. If we slept in there, then he'd just wake up at five and see us. Because that's what happened on the last holiday. He had to put him in a room on his own.

So basically, once he'd moved into there, that took one of the bedrooms out. So all of us were in the other bedroom together so my son had his own bedroom whereas the rest of the family are sleeping in together so so your mother-in-law's on the mezzanine bed single bed there was a there was a futon she was on oh poor poor lady she always volunteers she's a good woman like that she's a good person she'll'll always put the kids first. Yeah. So basically, our baby had his own room. And the four of us were in another room.

It was absolutely fucking mental. Lovely holiday. Yeah. Meanwhile, I'm standing, lying there, staring at the ceiling, unable to close my eyes for fear of the dark thoughts. I can't. I have to stop laughing at it. It was insane, Rob.

I thought I'd never sleep again. So what was your effort in a night? Well, the first night, I actually... After an initially bad start, I did have a little bit of sleep. Then the second night, I borrowed... I took one of the one of my mother-in-law's Valiums and that calmed me down.

You're like Maravillé Monroe, you are. You rattled, you walked down the street. But then now I'm fine. I'm absolutely buzzing. Good. It's lovely Whitstable though, isn't it? Absolutely lovely. We had a lovely holiday. Any recommendations?

Well, we did a lot of because the cottage was on the beach It's lovely Whitstable though Whitstable was absolutely lovely We had a lovely holiday Any recommendations? Um Well We did a lot of Because the cottage was on the beach basically Oh lovely So we did a lot of like Are they fisherman huts? No but they're like small cottages

Because we're staying on the fisherman's huts things Later in the year It's great We just played on the beach My daughter's really into stones and shells and all that kind of... She prefers them to the Beatles, yeah? Oh, here we go. Too much? Who knows?

Oh, I think it'll do. You're not my ascot now. You can turn this kind of stuff out. So she loved all of that stuff. Oh, that's good. It was a very kind of wholesome holiday for the rest of the family while I sat in my... Pranging off your nut.

Pranging off my nut. Yeah. Did you go Margate or did you just stay in Whitstable? We just stayed in Whitstable because it was so nice. It was absolutely lovely. We went to the Sportsman for dinner, me and Rose. That was good. Oh, that's nice.

A little date night. Date night. How was that? Well, it was great because that was the night when I was like, I'm just going to have a couple of drinks because I've been told by the doctor, just have a couple of drinks to calm down. Yeah. I reckon I drunk my first pint in seven seconds,

which in a kind of fancy restaurant looks quite weird. When they come back to take your order and you're like, could I get another pint, please? But you know when you're buzzing, you drink really fast. You know like your first pint at a party or something know that's my problem. I get over it. You know like your first pint at a party or something. That's the problem. I don't drink at all.

So tell me about that, Scott. Well, I don't drink. I sort of just don't drink or I have all the drinks. Yeah, that's what I'm like. So basically, we get there. We got there. We drove up. We stayed in a hotel.

We stayed at Pennywell Park, which is a very fancy hotel. It's lovely. Really nice hotel. I'd recommend it. It's got a nice spa and stuff. Was this the night before? No. So we drove basically. I spoke to you, didn't I? I went up to Leeds. fancy hotel it's lovely really nice hotel i'd recommend it's got a nice bar and stuff was this night before no so we drove basically i spoke to you didn't i went up to leeds so i did leeds two nights in a row then birmingham and then i got in from birmingham at like 1am and then i was up at

six doing the school run while lou was getting ready then we left left the house at like 9am to drive to the hotel to drop our bags off and then get a taxi from the hotel to Ascot because you've got to be there early it's like an all dayer, so we met our friends there at like 11am it's an all dayer, it's an all day event an all dayer is a very different thing I don't think when they designed Ascot

they were like, this is a fucking an all dayer starts at a Wetherspoons honestly, Ascot is mental, I wasn't prepared for it at all, it's like All day starts at a Wetherspoons. Honestly, Ascot is mental. I wasn't prepared for it at all. It's like, everyone's dressed up. I didn't wear the top hat and tails. It's not me, not me.

I'd rather just go in a suit. If I'm not allowed in there, I'm not allowed in there. I don't really care. But it is the biggest piss-up I've ever been to in my life. It was like Magaluf. Honestly, everyone is off their face. And then when you get released at like seven o'clock. Released? Yeah, because they're all around the bandstand singing songs.

It's like, it's like the VE day. They're all like singing Jerusalem and God Save the Queen and all that. It feels like I was indoctrinated into something. But when you leave, you just, everyone, like thousands of people flood the streets of Ascot. And there's all like marquees in pub car parks and everyone's off their face at one point i went i need to go to toilet went go through there it was a nightclub at 7 p.m like fully going and it was awful it was like proper

everyone smashed out there anyway so i got there and outside it is a bit there's a bit it's a bit that there's like you know that like the saudi prince and prince charles and camilla are in there but also there's just like people selling me lucky ever and like flowers from my for my suit pocket hole and everyone's shouting it's like it felt like spa like the spa street in magaluf so i got a bit overwhelmed and then i walked in and i i literally hadn't eaten any breakfast i got in at 1am and then drove to ascot dropped my bags jumped in the cab arrived there barely had my time probably i and I walked through, and there was, like, photographers, like, trying to get, like, Holly Willoughby, and all those people,

and I walked in, can I get a photo of it? And I went, oh, for fuck's sake, do I have to? And then they sort of quickly took photos of me next to a fucking bin. Of course they did, Rob, that's your calling card. That's my thing. And then they went, oh, can we get a couple of words for Ascot TV? What's Ascot TV? I don ascot tv i don't know i don't know and basically i think they put it on the screens at ascot right and online i went okay all right not anyway what are your thoughts so far i went i'm a bit confused

what everyone's dressed up for a wedding and there's proper posh people here but also some of the some absolute scum so i don't know what this event's for, hopefully somewhere in the middle. And this is like being played out on the screens in the stadium. And she went, are you in Charles Racing? No, I've never been before. I don't really know what I'm doing here, really. Why were you there? Our friends bought us tickets to go.

We bought them some tickets. We're going to see Adele with them in a few weeks. So we said, oh, we got tickets to Adele. They went, oh, let us take you, Ascot, to say thank you for the tickets, right? I was like, lovely. So they booked the tickets and we went in, but I was like, I weren't really prepared.

And because I was going there for like a day out, I wasn't really prepared to be in front of a camera doing like... Yeah, of course. So you weren't in some kind of area where it was like, you've got a free ticket, so you do a bit of tv thing no not really no they to be fair though they put us the tickets like in the general area and then i knew um i spoke to a couple of people that have been there before and there was a person they let us go upstairs where we could i could sit on the sofa where it weren't so full on because down on the on

the floor it is it was hard it was hard gone oh I was so pissed. I was being really rude to people. Some woman came up to me and went, I don't know who the fuck you are. I went, I don't know who the fuck you are either, in her face. To be fair, Rob, it sounds like she's tired, mate. I don't think you need to be down on yourself for that. I wouldn't describe you as the rude person. That's it, Trey. She went, I don't know who the fuck you are.

I don't know who the fuck you are. So just two people not knowing each other, shouting at each other. I don't know who the fuck you are. And then her know who the fuck you are. So just two people not knowing each other shouting at each other. I don't know who the fuck you are. And then her mates went, can I get a photo? And I went, yeah, right. And then as I took the photo, she weren't in the photo properly. And she went, I'll take it again. I'm not in it.

And I went, I thought you didn't know who the fuck I was. It was horrible. It was like these stenders aren't even. Because the problem is, once I've had a couple of beers, I'm so like, you've seen it. I've got no control wow and did you win? yeah

so I was so pissed I won and didn't realise until I got home what? because I've done it on an app

and we made a bet not on a horse right you weren't the jockey in this but like by the time

I was so drunk. By the time it came round, the horses are so quick. Yeah. That's the point, mate. I know, but it's really hard to keep up with what's going on. And then I looked, and then I just put a bet on one, and he was like a 50 to 1. I put a 10 on it, I won 300 quid.

Well, he's not 50 to 1 in that situation. Oh, did you put five each way? I don't know what I did it was 50 to 1 yeah I think he won and I've got 321 pounds

yeah I think you put 5 pounds each way right yeah yeah that's what I've done there innit yeah that's what but you still

incredible amount of money to make out of basically no idea what I was doing no idea what you were doing 50 to 1 every other one I lost

I was just picking names I liked of course your whole career is built on making money from instinct and you've done it again but yeah I just couldn't believe how pissed and rowdy everyone was honestly it was absolutely insane it was madness

and then we were so hungover and then I come home I didn't feel hungover when I woke up in the hotel this morning how pissed and rowdy everyone was. Honestly, it was absolutely insane. It was madness. And then we were so hungover. And then I come home, I didn't feel hungover when I woke up in the hotel this morning. But then as soon as I saw my children, my brain nearly exploded. And then we got back. So what was that like?

So it's been about 30 degrees today as well, isn't it? Yeah. So like I've been sweating nonstop, whatever room I'm in, I'm sweating. And then I went and got the kids from school, brought them back, sorted them out a little bit. then um then lou dropped it on me because our youngest is starting in reception we had to go to a parent's induction talk for an hour and i'm in there and i

just was like i can't do it's like sweat was running you know you can feel it running down your back and the problem was i knew the answer to every question because my kids already at that school so it's for new parents new starters right and I was just there and then hanging hanging out of your ass hanging out dripping off my nose I can smell it off me trying to make a good impression of other teachers and I was like fuck and then all the questions and there's one bloke and his phone went off right you know the suit on right and his phone went off, right? He had a suit on, right? And his phone went off. His phone, the ringtone was a police siren. What? So we're sat in this hall thing, like room, red hot, all glass,

just beating down on us. The room had air con, but the air con was like, look, I ain't got, I've not got the facilities for this big man. Do you know that? Do you know that little clip? No. You don't know that one? Of course not.

Okay, I'll find it. You'll love it. You've given it to me now. I get it. No, no, no. You don't get it properly, though, do you? Not really. I struggle to see what it's about, yeah.

Facilities for that big man. It's this clip. You know this one from... You have the facilities for that big man. You know this? People use it. I don't think you have the facilities for that big man you know you know this people use it i don't think you have the facilities for that big man from uh no no okay just a little thing on tiktok little things

anyway um yeah so it was literally dripping down my back and then basically all the questions all the questions from new parents and from parents working out when's the latest i can pick them up that's all they want to know at one time i went can they when can i pick them up they're like four they're going in at four okay so four o'clock can they not be there for longer and they're like well no there's an after-school club you can pay for them to be until six and it was like okay uh any later than six have you thought about boarding school or did you want to see your kid Okay, any later than six? Have you thought about boarding school?

Or did you want to see your kid? Fucking hell, mate. I wouldn't get out at six at this rate. Oh, my God. I hate those things, Rob, so much. It's so hard. I feel, and also, I feel sorry for the teachers, because I've heard it twice.

They've done it every year for ten years, telling these people the same things. Yeah, oh, my God. One of the questions was someone went, they've got a little handbook thing like a little uh like a little where that you write in it what book they've read or if you go like oh had been a bit ill or was upset last night didn't sleep might be tired today just a little notebook so they in their little uh i don't know what it's called just a little book thing and then they take it in with them and then they'll put them in a thing and then the teachers go read them quickly just to double check if there's anything they should be made with them, and then they'll put them in a thing, and then the teachers go read them quickly just to double-check if there's anything they should be made aware of.

And then this guy goes, yeah, I'm just thinking, though, is there any way there could be an online portal for that? Rather, you know, if it's a physical book, it might get lost, and it's quite easier because if there's something we want to put in there that we don't want the kid to know about, then, oh, yeah, because what they're going to do, they'll invest underground on a new online portal, mate. Yeah, that's what's going to happen.

They'll just invent an app, shall they, for this fucking little, the fucking little school planner that's been in existence for 300,000 fucking years. That no, okay, you, in just, just in case your daughter reads it,

you want a fucking online portal. Now, also, Josh, I've just realised I'm probably going to have to look at this man in the eye and he might hear this because I'll see him on the school gates in September. But I'm hungover and I'm tired and I don't care

about fucking handbooks you've got form this week in pissing off schools haven't you oh yeah they've got in contact again on Instagram didn't they

that other school so tell me about this tell our listeners about this so Lou got told off last week for taking our dog on a lead

to pick the kids up from gymnastics yeah and then we then we got an email we got an email. We got an email that says, Dear parents slash guardians,

subject is dogs in playground. This is a polite reminder that dogs are not permitted into school grounds at any time. At any time. I don't know. What could be? Only on a certain occasion. Signs are displayed around the school playground. However, additional signage will be added in due course.

We thank you for your cooperation. And that said, dear parents and guardians, it should have just said, dear Rob slash Lou. Yeah. Oh, there's nothing worse. The email, we got one from nursery this week that I felt we've led. You know, when you know you've led to the email to all

is a heartbreaking moment. So I'd forgotten to say, just drop my moment so i'd forgotten to say just drop my phone i've forgotten to say that we're going to whitstable i'll take you on monday morning i was like yeah just say no she won't be until friday because we're going to whitstable and um they're like that's fine and then two hours later just the email to ohio if you could just let us know if you are going on holiday because obviously we need to know numbers because of staffing and I thought

this is me that's led to this friendly reminder for everyone else that's your you've made them be friendly it feels like a dressing down Rob yeah you didn't need that in your state do you know what I'm only 60% sure that that email exists so it wasn't just a figment of my imagination at that point Yeah, you didn't need that in your state. Do you know what? I'm only 60% sure that that email exists.

It wasn't just a figment of my imagination at that point. I think if you were a footballer, you'd be one of those ones that needed a little break, like from the media or, you know, that sort of like, go out on loan, get your head back. Exactly, exactly. I'm Daley Elliot Everton. But yeah, also the gymnastics people then also replied on the thread oh did they what

yeah saying oh we totally we wanted to apologize in case you felt the email was aimed at you we actually received four separate incidents of dogs being walked across two different sides what is this cruft what's going on the problem is on a saturday morning if you're picking the kid up normally what people are doing is but it's right by a park so you basically walk the kids to gymnastics then walk the dog around the park and then but i should add these are like pathetic little like family dogs on leads it's not like these fucking pit bulls that are just slobbering and trying to like attack um but anyway but they apologized and said oh yeah and also because also i said this is i'll get myself in trouble i said on instagram might as well replace parents and guardians with lou and rob at least it's an email from gymnastics not asking for

another five quid plastic medal so then the geyser who runs a gymnastics goes oh yeah we're really sorry about the plastic medals we're actually talking to british gymnastic society or whatever it's called about a new program and i was like i feel so bad now and then i then i started groveling i said no need to apologise, mate. We know it's the school and not you guys. Kids love the classes and I've already sold the dog for medal money. So we're all good. So I sandwiched that ear.

We're like, it's all good. Put a bit on him again on the medals, but try to make it jokey. What's happened? Something terrible's just happened. Oh, no, what? I've never had this before. I'm hearing my voice played back to me.

Can you hear that? Oh, God. Are you hearing voices? Every time I was replying to you, I could hear... Ah! Oh, God. So... This is awful.

I can only hear myself. Well, I can hear you as well, but... We should reassure the listener this is a tech issue, not his brain. This is a tech... This is 100% tech. Imagine if you got... Like, someone listened to this and got you sectioned just from what you've been saying

or got you like... had to have an intervention and go, no, this is still not okay. Josh is not okay. I'm just pissing myself off at everything you say. No, actually this is not okay. Hi, it's Rob here. Going to be doing the podcast on my own for a couple of weeks.

I can't carry on like this. Okay, so you're... Not the first time I've said that this week. Okay, right, okay. So the tech issue is that you can hear yourself back. Oh, I'm back. I'm fine. Okay, that's it, yeah.

That happened to me once. Yeah, you've unmuted yourself, haven't you? Yeah, I've unmuted myself on the right time. Well, we should say thank you to Emma, who's been dropped to the deep end because Michael's got a septic eye. I hope Michael's alright. I hope he's alright.

He sent us a picture and it looked... Yeah, I did email back though. It's a fucking audio fall, mate. Get your ears in. You can literally do this with your eyes closed, mate. He went to A&E. He went to A&I, in fact. Comedians cannot process anything that's difficult.

So me and Tom did Gogglebox, right? We're on Gogglebox. And there's one bit in it where it's like, you know in Gogglebox they slip in a sad story and me and Tom were too oblivious to notice it was a sad story so started ripping the piss out of the people and then halfway through we realized it's the sad one and then I was like no look Tom we just need to make sure that we're like we need to just can't laugh at this bit and then we just sat there in silence because we couldn't speak because

anything we had to add would have been unacceptable um but yeah i hope michael's okay yeah so do i um oh do you want some more listener feedback uh if only if it's good uh yes it's sort of i'd say i'd say it's a feedback of two halves um so you know my uh um mate alan yeah um does driving uh to tour shows for me sometimes i think he's driven you and a window cleaner as well you need a good window cleaner in South London, Alan Jerman. I don't know how he operates.

I think he's just got a mobile. He's old school. If you want Alan to clean your windows, just email Michael at hello at ParentingHell and we'll send you his mobile number. That's all we've got. Anyway, he said, because he's a guy I told you about

or spoke about shih tzus. Did you hear this this and he said they're game little fuckers anyway he's obviously been listening to the podcast because he he messaged me shih tzu you fucker that's all i got for you so as as you found this week rob it's gearing up for next year's schooling yes so yeah like so you're so i'm in quite relaxed position because we've done it before we know what's going on but it's your first time of reception for your daughter yeah so um do you want to hear a story about um uh tom crane messing up on the whatsapp group of his new school on in the first minute of the whatsapp group oh yes please oh yes the whatsapp group a bit of advice this is my bit of advice so right, right, for the WhatsApp grouping is going hard, going early. Organise a drink or go to a drink.

But then you can then withdraw and then you're not hiding away. Everyone knows you are. You've said hello. You've done your bit. And then, you know, you can go back out of them. I still play football with all the football dads. I get on really well with them. But you've got to put a bit of effort in early doors, I think.

Yeah. Wow. Tom Crane, not got the confidence just to put a bit of effort in early doors i think yeah wow tom crane not not got the confidence just to send a straight message so the whatsapp group starts of his new school and is it mums and dads at this stage son's going in in september right and uh so um so if you take say it's a class of 25 or, you're looking at there could be 60 parents on that group. Yeah, exactly. So the group begins and everyone's writing things like,

hi, I'm, you know, whatever, Carol, the mother of Steve, and he is in this class, yeah? All right. So where's he going to school? In Belvedere, is he? Carol and Steve. So it's Belvedere in 1976, this school, yeah? And then Tom decides to add a little bit of colour.

And then he's gone in with, Hi everyone, I'm Tom and my boy Charlie is starting in this class in September. In other news, I'm currently sat with an office fan pointing at my head as this weather is too much for me. Oh, I don't need, don't need that. You do not need that. It's not about you.

It's about Charlie. It's not about your head and a fan. Anyway, no one replies. Oh, no. No one replies. What? He hasn't spelled you wrong, has he? No, no, it's all fine.

And then his friend says, um, text him directly. Oh, no. He says that she'll chuck him a laughing emoji. Yeah. text him directly he says that she'll chuck him a laughing emoji oh so he's got someone on the inside trying to just to calm the situation down

chuck you a laughing emoji because you've killed the group basically he's got a kiss trying to revive it and he replies to her thanks for, I really owe you one. But he instead replies that on the main group. So she privately messaged him saying, I'll stick an emoji on for you.

She hasn't done that yet. No, she hasn't done that yet. She hasn't done it yet. Oh my God, it was bad if she had done it. That is awful. He's now replying to himself in a deep breath. So now the offer of emoji's gone. That's useless to him.

She's the one who's written before him in the group as well. So he's hearted her message on the group. Hearted as well? What in the creep? Saying that. Get this. She has then sent him a screen grab of a different WhatsApp group in which someone has screen grabbed his message and said, what's the deal with Tom Crane?

I thought we were going to have to move from WhatsApp for that. That's going to be long form email. Oh my God. Oh, that's horrible. How's from WhatsApp for that? That's going to be long-form email. Oh, my God. Oh, that's horrible. How's he feeling about that? He's not in a good space. He hasn't got the same doctor as you, has he? Oh, that's bad, isn't it?

That is bad. Oh, God. I had a question, Josh. Oh, my God. He's removed it. I've just got a message from him. Yeah? Yeah.

Because one of the problems is, obviously, he'd hearted the message. Oh, he then deleted both of his messages. So, basically, what he's... No, what? Oh, that's... And he's hearted the message from the person above him by mistake. And he's removed that heart and deleted both of his messages. That's weird.

Oh, that group will never... Nothing will ever happen on that group again surely oh my god i feel i'm feeling that is all but then i'll be like hey i'm that tom guy from the whatsapp group that'll be has he met the parents yet well some of them at the nursery that's why he knows the one you can't do banter on the group until you've met him i don't think it's just not the place for that i know like we did the walk around of our school and they were like when the year starts there'll be a parent's mega lash night out that you're yeah they didn't use the word mega lash i've added that myself

mega right johnny depp you'll be in a corner strung out. On all sorts. On sleeping pills. With a mega pint of wine. The doctor says I need to have two big wines before bed. And I did think that that is a night when I have to be careful. So, yeah, so we had that night. That's a good night.

But it's awkward at the start. But then you just have to keep the. So, yeah, so we had that night. That's a good night, that one. But it's awkward at the start, but then you just have to keep the drinks coming and break the ice. Yeah. Where, like, so then, and then there is, then you've got material. What Tom's tried to do there is create a running joke by using the weather, which is good.

He's trying to break the ice. He's trying to make it not small talky, but it's not a strong enough in. It's a bit odd. And then what he did then as well was reply to himself delete the messages and heart something and unhearty so he's had a major error but what you've got to wait till that yeah i think with news with new school wait for the night out and then when you're at the night out then just let the night happen and something will come up um like for us it was mike um was like talking about like yeah

i'd love to go drink i used to have at uni i was a big drink like it was fun going out drinking i used to love it that's what i've got because also it's quite exciting because you get a group of people your age with something in common that are literally a five minute walk from your house sometimes because everyone's going to the same school where you can go fancy a quick pint yeah and it's so hard to have a quick pint with people when you live all over london or over the country of your friends and stuff so it's quite good to have that little group of people you to have a quick pint with people when you live all over London or all over the country with your friends and stuff. So it's quite good to have that little group of people you can have a quick pint with. And he wasn't really drinking, though, because he was saying, oh, it'd be great to have a drink up. I've not had a drink for ages.

And, you know, and also you're allowed to have a night out because you're doing something for your child. You're bonding for your child. So I was like, this is great. But he didn't drink. He weren't drinking properly. And that's when I said, and I said He was calling himself a binge drinker And he still had his Guinness I went hurry up and drink your drink

I shouldn't have said It was a bit much But it did break the ice Exactly That's the main thing And you can't delete your comment in real life So you stop And now it's become a bit of a thing.

And then he did a tequila shot and squeezed lime in his eye, didn't he? Remember that? That's Lime Eye Guy. Lime Eye Guy. I love Mike. Mike refers to his wife as senior management in person and on text message without fail. And I don't want to be, I know Mike listens. I don't want to be harsh, but I've still never seen anyone in text or in real life

laugh at that but i i in in what is almost a stewart lee level you know sort of commitment to a punchline i stand by him and now i'm i'm at that point now where i've not laughed for so long on it i think i will start to find it funny when he does it in text next time, give him like six laughing emojis. Okay, I'll do that. Yeah. And then delete it and then reply to it and heart it. Yeah.

But no, Mike's lovely. But I think that's the thing. Everyone's a bit, everyone's nervous. Everyone's awkward. But ultimately, they all want to have a really nice social school thing.

Some people want to be more involved than others and that's fine. But I think it's more people being nervous about making a bad impression. And then what I sort of offered up was, I'm just being nervous about making a bad impression and then what I sort of offered up was I'm just going to be

the worst one here and then everyone will still feel better yeah and do you know what you took one for the team I took one for the team you took one for the team

do you know what Rob another technical problem no what's happening now I'm on 2% I've just got to go and get my charger okay oh god I'm down to lots

don't make me sing don't make me sing silent go quick then go quick oh for fuck's sake Josh right well I'll do some I'll get my charger. Okay. Oh, God, I'm down to wax. Don't make me sing silent. Go quick, then. Go quick. Oh, for fuck's sake, Josh. Right. Well, I'll get my small business shout-outs ready. We've got Alan, the window cleaner.

We've got Alan, the window cleaner from South London. If you want your windows cleaned in the Bromley area, I think these are based at Alpinton Way, let us know. Yeah, so basically, if you're the window cleaner, email hello at parentinghell.co.uk i think that's the email address i don't know any of this um and uh we'll give you we'll give you his phone number which has got to be the most long-winded way to do a small business shout out

um are you getting on just that one percent you did well there because i can still hear you um that's just scrabbling around um oh barrel the cat update we need to give a barrel the Are you getting on, Josh? That 1%, you did well there, because I can still hear you. That's Josh scrabbling around. Oh, Beryl the cat update. We need to give a Beryl the cat update, Josh. Josh? I'm back, yeah. People think your cat's dead.

What? No, the cat's not dead. No, I've just had a phone call. They're outside. You're out now. I'm joking. You're out of breath now, aren't you, mate? Yeah. No, no, my cat's fine.

Well, I've got to take her to the vet at 8.30 tomorrow morning. She's got to be flushed out again, and they've got to check her bloods. Do you know what? What is it like being showbiz, Josh? What's it like being a guy that's on the telly? Well, at 8.30, well, 8, because it takes half an hour to get to Wanstead,

I'll be driving her to Wanstead to put her in overnight. She's getting her bloods done like Keith Richards. She has to do it every three months now. Just to check for the insurance for the big tours. Yeah, exactly. No, so small business shout out. At the moment, we haven't got them because Michael's been rushed to A&E.

So we haven't got them. So I'm doing Alan. So Alan, the window cleaner in Spromley. If you want him to do your windows email hello at lockdown parenting.co.uk and we'll send you his mobile number i don't really want to read his mobile number out on here because i think you're too many people listening and you will just you'll have to change number but if you do want a window cleaner and you seriously want one and you're not just doing it to annoy him let us know and i'll send you his

number that's with alan the window cleaner and this one is from claire right so claire which i think is a very good thing she's done i'll find her on instagram as well she is pitching we've got a book out haven't we the parenting help yes we're on tour as well yes we're on tour as well we're on tour in october and we're on tour in spring yeah next spring we're on tour and the book's coming out anyway so this is Claire right so if you um go to so this is a shout out Claire who is um does personalized prints and she's at A-N-E-C doodles yeah Anec doodles Anec doodles A-N-E-C doodles and uh she's a brilliant illustrator and she basically did a great video pitching to be the illustrator for our book. Unfortunately, our book doesn't have illustrations.

However, she has done loads of illustrations for us. And if you want anything illustrated, you can get her to do it. But, yeah, she's really good. They're really good little doodles. I don't know if you sent them. She sent them to my gig in Chatham. So they're brilliant, Anne, but we're not having any illustrations in the book.

If we do do a book that needs illustrations, then we'll give you a shout, but we don't at the moment. But if you do need an illustrator, go to A-N-E-C Doodles. She's on Instagram as well. And you can see the video she did for Parenting Hell. I've stuck it on my story. I'll stick it on the Parenting Hell story. Yeah, stick it on the Parenting Health Story as well

Very nice It's been a lovely episode So that's the small business Oh it's been up and downs I think we've done well Considering our producer Was rushed to hospital You've been

Unwell I think's the right word Yeah But I'm on the mend You're back I'm hungover Yeah And you know

That's life We're not perfect Rob We're not perfect As much as people Might have thought that During some episodes we show that i don't think anyone's ever felt that oh that was a question i was gonna ask at what age as a dad do you like at the moment if i sit down on my own josh yeah in the choir i'll

instantly fall asleep well it's not not the week to ask me absolute dagger to my heart that cheers mate okay yeah i'll ask that question a couple of weeks maybe yeah yeah we'll get we'll get oh i'll tell you what something else we're doing that's a bit stupid or not a stupid feel like old people um lose look the girls keep asking for songs that they hear like at school or from other people i don't know how pop culture happens for young people, but they've been asking for some Shawn Mendes stitches and all these songs I've never heard of. And I don't know how they've heard of them,

but they love them and they know every word and do like dancing to them. So Lou has liked a couple of them. Do you know what Lou started listening to? You know the Now, that's what I call music, 153. I didn't know it was that number. Well, I don't know what number it's up to, but she's been listening to them to find all the latest songs.

Lou's got into the pop charts. Yeah, but as like a mum. Oh, man. Because we don't know. So she's just been listening to Now That's What I Call Music. It's up to 111, I think. Oh, wow. And are you going to do it as well?

Well, yeah, I've been listening to a few bits and bobs, mate. Yeah? Yeah, you got your finger on the pulse? Not really. But yeah, she's been doing that, but I think that's quite an old-parenty going to do it as well? well yeah I've been listening to a few bits and bobs mate yeah you got your finger on the pulse not really but yeah she's been doing that but I think that's quite an old parenty thing to do yeah do you know what

it's nice when Lou does it when you do it I think it's creepy yeah hey girls I like the new track from Shawn Mendes don't you?

yeah let's leave it there Rob leave it there see you on Friday see you on Friday I hope you feel better Josh me too I really do okay right see you on Friday. See you on Friday. I hope you feel better, Josh. Me too. I really do.

Okay, right. See you on Friday, everyone. Bye. Bye.