Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S04 EP45: The Glastonbury and Ibiza Stag-Do Special

Episode Date: July 5, 2022

S04 EP45: The Glastonbury and Ibiza Stag-Do SpecialMore (mis) adventures in parenting and beyond from Rob and Josh...Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks Rob + JoshBIG NEWS.... we're writing a book! ⭐ All the stories we can’t tell on the podcast – in depth.⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents)⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them... [e-mail]'s it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)?And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick?Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike.Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here: https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBookIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellMAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Tate, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Rob Widdicombe. Well done. I just heard you whisper the word Tate.

What's he got, brother and sister Poe and Toe? It is, it is. This is... The fucking chipmunks. His name is Tate. What's he got? Brother and sister Poe and Toe. It is. It is. This is... The fucking chipmunks. His name is Tate Bold. Tate Bo... Tate Bold.

Tate. Like Steve Bold, but Tate. Tate Bold. Oh, there's an Andrew Tate on the internet that's really annoying. Have you seen much of him? What do you reckon? I'm in a different echo chamber to you, aren't I?

You are in a different echo chamber to me. This is Tate introducing the pod. He's nearly two. July the 2nd. Born on my birthday, so my birthday's disappeared, as you'll appreciate. That's one we've never discussed before. What's that? Having your kid's birthday, so your birthday gets completely blown out the water.

Yeah, that doesn't really happen to us. We're quite good. I have seen how Tate is both a boy's name and a girl's name of English. Norse origin meaning cheerful. And also Emma Bunton, a baby spice, her son is called Tate. Is he?

And this is Tate Bold from Telford. Tate Bold from Telford. Oh. Telford Tate. Did you just hear that? What? Hello? What? Hello? What's happening?

Yeah. My, my... You sound like a fucking Muppet. But did you, what did you hear then? Because I... Nothing apart from... My, what's the equivalent

on an Apple computer of Siri? You know, like, not Siri. Fucking hell, I'm tired. That is Siri. Apple is Siri. Oh yeah, that is Siri.

So I just got, Siri just kicked him for the first time ever on this computer. Oh right. And it said, do you want to take balls to Telford? I was like, what the fuck's going on here? Oh, because he heard...

Yeah, or maybe you said, hey, Siri, when we were talking... Oh, no, I've done it now. She's talking to me. But just through my headphones. No one else is getting it. Is it a she? People are saying we are too rude. People are rude to women because of Siri.

Because you don't say please or thank you. So I say please and thank you to her on the on the car because if i press a button on my phone i can ask it to play a song do you use it in the car well yeah so if i'm if i'm driving the car i press the side i'm driving concentrating if i hold the side button on my phone it goes and i go hey siri play um could have been me by housey again or Sky Full of Stars from Sing To, Taron Egerton again. Please, Siri? Oh, fuck, now she's actually playing it.

Fuck! It works, it works. This is a joke. Yeah, it does work. Okay, right, that's that stuff. What a start to the podcast. Absolute carnage. Okay, so...

How are you, Rob? I tell you what, I am... I'm back from the... Sorry, I'm just going to interrupt and say, I thought this was going to be a podcast. We discussed you're excited about being about Glastonbury. Yes. It now feels like, I don't know if people are aware of the news,

but you've been in the press because you were away on Joe Swash's stag do with Dean Gaffney. Yeah. And really, I feel like we should start with Glastonbury because that is really, if I'm honest with you, merely the warm-up to the anecdote of Joe Swash's Stag Do with Dean Gaffney

is how people imagine Rob Beckett lives. Well, it sounds like the start of one of your routines about the 90s. It does, doesn't it? So basically, imagine Joe Swash's Stag Do, Gaffney's there You do that as your intro and do your punchline I feel quite good

But you sound a bit sadder than me So this is Tuesday morning I got home yesterday from the stag deal You got back from Glastonbury Sunday night, was it? Sunday night And it's the Tuesday now So we were a bit out of sync So we had to record in advance of these trips

So it's been about a week But it's good because we get a strong live reaction to how our weekends were yes and how was glastonbury you sound tired i've got a fear there won't be a huge amount of parenting in this episode i do apologize do you know no no there is because i still haven't spoken about sports day the second one you know the second one? Oh, God, I forgot. Because I went to the Sports Day on the Friday before I flew to Ibiza. Well, tell me about that, and then we'll get on to Glastonbury.

Right, OK. So, Sports Day, I tell you what, it's so far down my list of things to talk about. Oh, OK. No, because I write little notes, but I can't even find it anymore. Oh, here it is. Yes.

So, um... Legs on my foot. Legs on my foot. Legs on my foot. Oh, right, OK, yeah. Some of the notes I've written drunk. I basically was drunk for three days. Drunk at Sports Day? No, I wasn't drunk at Sports Day.

Oh, right, I was going to say that. I was drunk for three days. So if anyone's messaged me and I've not messaged back or just messaged me again because my phone's been off... Oh, Sports Day. So basically, my daughter did well in her Sports Day. They're Team One. I spoke about that. Your younger daughter the eldest she came third um anyway so youngest

you know the one i said that loves sport loves running love sport loves breaking rules yeah actually though oh wait so again we had a bit of a nightmare this morning i did a school drop off this morning because she nicked that little thing from school anyway so i said to her look we've got to take that back now to the teacher and you need to like, you know, say, like, say, say sorry for taking it and give it back. She went, no, I don't want to. And she's getting all upset. So I said, look, and I said, which I think was bad parenting, Josh, I said, why don't you put the toy in your pocket and sneak it back in? Oh, yes, please. So now I'm like sneaking it back in. And then anyway, she went, no, you give it to her, but don't tell him i took it

and anyway so i i had it in my pocket and i said to her as we walked in do you want to give them back to her or do you want me to give it back to the teacher and then she went but i found it outside on the pirate ship which is like the play frame so i didn't i don't know where to put it because we're not going back no i think i think she did though because she said i don't know where to put it because i found it on the play park then i felt bad she's not really nicked a toy this one's a bit of plastic she found in the park like at the school the school play so now she's going i don't want it in my pocket because i don't know where to put it because i won't be back on the they go to the pirate ship just before they go to the library on like a thursday so now i'm like oh no so now i've got her in this little lie and then in the end i said look

give it to me and then i gave it to her and I gave it to the teachers. And I said, oh, she accidentally took this home. So I'm bringing it back to you. And I gave her a good old, like, cartoon wink to the nursery lady. And she went, it's OK. Lots of kids accidentally take it home. But then she got all cuddly because I've been away. She was going, I don't want to go into school.

And all started crying. I thought you meant the nursery lady. I was just, totally unacceptable, isn't it? All right, calm down, miss. I know it was an accident, but let's keep it clean of the gates. It was the wink you'd given her. That was the problem, Rob. You gave her the wink.

It's amazing. I winked at her, and she started getting off with me. And yeah, and then she was all clingy. And then eventually, luckily, it was one of the nursery teachers' birthdays. So I was like, oh, it's Missy's birthday, and they've got balloons and she's brought in popcorn and she was in a sulk but as soon as she heard that she was like oh no I want to go into the nursery but I've made a point saying I don't want to go in so then I went

I'm going to put you down because my arms ache and then I put her down and then eventually they took her in but that was quite difficult to deal with after a busy weekend of a crying child at the school gates because you've been trying to coerce her into lying about theft. Yes, that is not a good situation, Rob, because you haven't really got to the bottom of it either, have you? No, I don't know what's going on. We'll see how it plays out when she hits her teenage years, I suppose. What I will say is, though, if she is going to be a criminal,

like a bank robber, she's fast enough to get away with a crime because Sports Day, they had the sprint, the sack race, egg and spoon and beanbag on the head. She won every race. No. By a country file. Fucking hell. By like, actually.

So where's this come from? What do you mean? I've got skills. Is Lou fast? I don't play in Soccer Aid because I'd be too good and it'd be embarrassing for everyone involved. Oh, of course. Yeah. Yeah, of course.

That's the exact reason. No, Lou's dad is an exceptional athlete. How is he? He's run marathons. He beat me at squash to the point it felt like I was playing Roger Federer. It was actually about... He had... This was when he...

Before he needed his... Same thing, isn't it? Racket in a room. Yeah. Well, there's not really a room in tennis, but there we go. If the roof's on at Wimbledon... Technically a room. Yeah, well, there's not really a room in tennis, but there we go. If the roof's on at Wimbledon. Technically a room. Anyway, no, he's really good.

When he came on my stag team, he played like bubble football with us in a normal form. He was absolutely destroying all of us at the age of like 55. He's run marathons. He's really good at squash. He's just a really good athlete, cyclist.

And Lou's sister's like a dancer now, a yoga teacher and all like that. And Lou's pretty strong and pretty fast as well, to be honest. So I think it's from that side. Are you excited about your future as the father of the new, you know, Dina Asher-Smith?

The new Dina Asher-Smith. That's her name, isn't it? Yeah, I'm not that close. It is her name. It's just the thought of me being Dina Asher-Smith's father doesn't work in any way, sort of. If you had to find someone that looked less like my daughter, I think it would be Dina Asher-Smith's father doesn't work in any way. If you had to find someone that looked less

like my daughter, I think it would be Dina Asher-Smith. Yeah, but yes. I get that point. Are you excited about being the father of new Dina Asher-Smith or are you worried that your whole life is now going to be weekend athletics meets? What I would say

is going to be difficult is I've got the thirst of a competitive dad. Oh no. I got into it. it come on lift up your feet come on technique technique no not even that i don't think i'm gonna be bad like that like on a case i'm very relaxed like that i'm quite chilled about that but i love it when she wins do you yeah too much too much can you imagine how much the other parents hated you oh here comes here comes the bloody comedian oh he thinks he's funny

does he and then suddenly his daughter's fucking Carl Lewis unbelievable but also because they're all boys

she was up against and she's massive I didn't realise how tall she was until I saw her but your daughter yeah and she's so far

are you saying Bolt was tall still is I reckon Lou shagging Roger Black or something there's no way

that that she doesn't look like my daughter she's new enough in the same realm as Dina Ashton Smith of not looking

like my daughter this long lean rangy kid that's far imagine if Lou's been having an affair with Roger Black

and she was like oh my god this is gonna give it away what an old reference yeah i know you should put a million quid on that being me rather than you but there we go oh dear lou might have to go to your daughter can you ease off in the races because it's going to reveal who your real dad is yeah basically but as she was doing it like the first one she won quite convincingly and then it happened with all the rest and then i was then

i was having a bit of a pant with her dad so i was like come on like that and then someone said oh you've got a bit of a bit of an athlete in your hands there like a bit of joking she did the first one well and then by the fourth one that she smashed it was a bit awkward and then one of the last ones that one of the other boys took the lead and the dad next to me was like go on come on like that but i could tell he really wanted it he was like me and i respect that you just want your kid to win wasn't even his kid he just wanted your daughter not to win and then i got a bit carried away and i'm excited and then when she won he went yeah but it's the taking part that counts when yeah that's what losers say mate i was going light work yes light work

but in a jokey way but i think they probably hated me yeah i think they probably did but you know that's the price of you know you know that's what judy murray that's what judy murray had to put up with but then you know exactly and then she did strictly and everyone loved her so that's that's what happened with me well that we all thought that's where your career was going anyway so that's good yeah i think you could get on strictly in your own right you don't need to wait until your daughter's want to go medal at the olympics i mean that would be a weird choice wouldn't it finally you've won that you've won gold. I can get on there.

But the other thing I said to Lou is, Lou cannot watch sport. She gets too invested, even if she doesn't care. Yeah, my mum was like that. Couldn't go to Plymouth High Goal with her. She got too emotional. 100%. I'll be watching Arsenal play,

and she's like, who do we want to win? I'm like, oh, the Reds. And then she's sort of watching by my shoulder. She goes, oh, oh. I'm like, what? They're nearly letting her go. I was like, Lou, you care more than me. You don't even like football.

She went, I know, but if they need to win and they're not winning, it's not good, is it? I'm like, I think you need help. That's not right. Yeah, Lou, you don't want to support Arsenal, mate. You'll have an awful life. But I said to her, I said, if one of our daughters does athletics or does any sport, your life's going to be hell.

Yeah, well, I was looking that way. She shouldn't have shagged Roger Black, Rob. This is all your fault for shagging Roger Black. Roger Black. I've not said that name for years, Roger Black. Bazzali, I was talking about him last week. Not Bazzali for you, mate. You love that.

You've not spoke about an athlete since 1999. I knew Dina Asher-Smith. I thought I was 70% confident on her name. And Roger Black's a good-looking guy, though. He was a good-looking guy. If you go on Roger Black's website, go on Roger Black's Wikipedia, right? No, I've been on his website recently, Rob. No, but look at his Wikipedia.

Just because the photo they've used, he has got the biggest microphone I've ever seen. It looks like a fucking tennis ball. What's going on? It looks like he's about It looks like a fucking tennis ball. What's going on? It looks like he's about to hit a tennis ball. Can you see it? Yeah, I'm watching it now. I'm watching it. It's a photo, you fucking idiot.

I'm watching it. It looks like what happens next After the break And then Roger catches it and goes Oh, he's an athlete Oh my god, that is incredible You must have, that's got to be a wind-up How loud is it? Where are they reporting from?

Roger Black's very quiet I know he's sneaking in my house when I'm at work He was shagging low upstairs While you were downstairs. I met someone who told me that they knew Roger Black in the conversation. Right, okay. Yeah.

I wasn't across Roger Black, so I went on his website. He's got kids, get him on. Yeah, I'd love to get him on. He's got more kids than you realise, Rob. He says two on here, but he looks like three from the podium results. So Roger Black now,

if you go on his website, I was reading his website. He's got a website? Yeah. I suppose he's a broadcaster now, isn't he? I've seen his microphone. Here we go. You get down to the bit where he talks about Roger Black's fitness equipment range. Oh, yeah.

And I thought this statistic stuck with me. This can't be true. Roger Black Fitness folding and static exercise equipment features in over 250,000 UK homes. No. Quarter of a million people have got a Roger Black treadmill, rowing

machine or cross trainer. That is not true. It's like the George Foreman, isn't it? Yeah, but I've never met anyone that's got one. They're fairly well-priced. A quarter of a million people. That can't be fucking true. If anyone listening has got a Roger Black...

Well, this is a small business shout-out. It's 300 quid for an exercise bike, 179 for a folding one, 450 for a proper treadmill. That seems good value. Yeah, of course they're good value. It's selling a quarter of a million of the fuckers he must be loaded he's only got 70 reviews on trust pilot i have bollocks he sold quarter of a mil anyway anyway i'll tell you what i bet the sun journalist

listening to this for the stag do gossip is livid that they've wasted 10 minutes on Roger Black. If you see on the front of the sun a story about Roger Black fabricating statistics about his sales of treadmills, you'll know where they got it from. Roger Black scoop from the parenting hell pod. Oh, God. Well, that was Glastonbury, then we'll do our beef. That was the lowdown from the sports day

that she's really fast. So the worst thing about coming back from Glastonbury is you're no longer looking forward to Glastonbury. Do you know what I mean? I didn't realise how much it had driven me through for the last month of my life through work, if you know what I mean. So that's just been the thing you've been looking forward to

and you enjoyed, but now it's like, what's the point? Yeah, exactly. Because you've had your summer holiday as well, haven't you? Yeah, I've had my summer holiday. You've peaked too early, Josh. I know. I've gone too soon. But it's because you don't want to do it during the summer holidays when your kids don't have to fair enough um i ran back from nursery and i was like for the last month all i've been listening to is people i want to see at glastonbury to get myself excited and i was like

i just don't think i can listen to music again now i think i'm done with it i think i have to take a break you've had your fill. Yeah. How was it, though? Because you haven't been since kids, have you? It was incredible. I haven't been since kids. It seems like it was a good one.

So the worst thing about it is when you get back and other people that don't have kids are complaining about how knackered they are. And you're like, mate, you're just sitting at home watching the Glastonbury coverage with a curry on Sunday night. I'm literally, my daughter, I think because we'd been away for a few days, we made

the mistake of telling her we'd been camping and she wanted to go camping. Absolute fucking error of the highest order. Same happened with me. My daughter's desperate to go Ocean Beach. She just loves little orange cups.

She loves tomato squash. She just wants to scream well hard at a man that's not been on EastEnders for 25 years. So it was incredible to go there. It was so good

because I just don't remember another time in the last five years where we've had total freedom to do whatever we want do you know what i mean yeah that feeling of going oh we can just get up and do whatever we want and that was fun was it yeah you're with all your friends in a field but what about the people with babies did they take the baby yeah how was that i bumped into another comedian stewart goldsmith and he had his what are they six and two about my age i think i think they're about the similar age as mine like six and three yeah yeah six and three and they were sat there he loves all that

though he's like a festival bloke yeah exactly but i could see it in his eyes rob i could we were walking through we had our beers we walked him. It was about 6pm. Yep. And he was sat there in the cafeteria a bit backstage trying to get his kids to eat a baked potato. And I thought, mate, don't pretend this is what you want to be doing. There's no way Glastonbury is fun with children.

You are fucking lying to yourself. Mate, oh, so we're walking away from the pyramid stage after Crowded House, right? Yeah. And it's... It's 1999. It was a long old walk, right? We're walking away from the pyramid stage

after Crowded House. Yeah. And it is chocker. So, you know, like, say you must have been in a situation like you're walking away from a football ground or whatever where it's like so like i think a lot of people have you ever been to wembley stadium for a gig you know when you because i've been to glass i know how busy it gets that little you know when they stop you in that wembley way bit by that because i have to do the tubing stages yeah exactly it's it's literally you you think well

i couldn't even sit down in this situation. And I'm walking along on the main thoroughfare away from which 100,000 people are using. And I'm like, why is the crowd splitting in two and then going back together in a minute? Yeah, Moses. And we got to that point, I looked down and there was a woman breastfeeding a six-month-old

in the middle of the thoroughfare. Now, I'm all for stopping to breastfeed when you need to. I'm no ludder. I'm no old-school guy. Pop your tits away. It's a prior... You know, if you need to breastfeed, whip them out whenever. No problem.

But that feels dangerous. It felt like... Yeah, because she was so low. She was a head's knee height. What, emotionally? No, she was pretending she was loving it. But come on. Everyone with a kid at Glastonbury. I think that would be Lou's idea of hell.

If you had to design a hell for Lou, it would be to breastfeed in public whilst 100,000 people walk past and also causing a bit of an obstruction. Yeah. Couldn't she shimmy to the side? No, there was no room to shimmy. So was she actually on the floor, cross-legged?

Yeah. Did she have people protecting her or was she solo? It was difficult to see because the crowd was parting. So in many ways, you know, if you're worried, is there enough privacy in this situation? There couldn't have been more privacy because you couldn't see anywhere. Do you know what I mean i mean in a way she was just suddenly at your feet um

which is almost a crowded house look and um she was there and then you're just like when you see people i saw someone with a like a very small baby uh paul mccartney it's more for them than the kid i think it's different when the kids are like eight or nine. Well, you just think, I don't think you need to be here. Do you know what I mean? We didn't go when we had kids. If you want to go, fine. But don't go to prove a point that you're enjoying this. But there was people with older kids.

Like, Hilsey was there, and his kids are, what, 11 and nine, or whatever they are, around that age. And they went to all their bands, and they had a really good time. I think that's all right. I think that's when they're like that. But when they're babies or toddlers, it's too much. A 10-year-old can stay up late. Stuart Goldsmith said to his kid, I said,

what's your favourite thing been so far? And his kid looked back at me and just went, shopping? And I just thought thought you're getting nothing out of this shopping what shopping can you do there well there's like you could know you can buy do you know what you can fucking buy rob a bucket hat in a million you know it's all that kind of stuff yeah the bucket hats were back bigger than glasso this year weren't they you really reinvigorated the bucket industry single single-handed. I just think it coincided with it being fashionable

by accident. It was high-end fashion, the bucket hat, and then everyone went for it. Good luck to them. I should have brought our hat, shouldn't I? I could have made a fortune

this summer. You could have made so much money. But I was up till three, Rob. Three. I haven't been up till three. Three a.m. I was still up at seven

because that body clock's not making any difference. How much sleep do you reckon you got at Glastonbury? Four hours a night for three nights. Fuck. Less than at home. I just can't deal with the smugness at Glastonbury, though. Rob.

It's a lot of smugness knocking about. Rob, it's my people. It's just that little, like, grin. We're at Glastonbury. Be careful, Rob, because it is fucking parenting. We're at Glastonbury. Be careful, Rob, because it is fucking Parenting Hell fan central at Glastonbury. The stiff necks are out in force for Parenting Hell. Yeah. There must have been a trade-off.

I did not see one stiff neck for three days in Ibiza. No, I've got a fear. Do you know what else happened in Ibiza, Josh? I didn't meet you know what else happened in Ibiza Josh I didn't meet a Spanish person apart from the airport I did not meet one Spanish person in three days

so have you got any other questions about Glastonbury or should we move on to my 600 questions about Astagfirullah with Dean Gaffney

unless you've got anything else basically you just went there didn't sleep much had a great time I had a great time and I would happily go again

I loved it it just makes you value your friends Rob just hanging out with your friends maybe what we should do is when our kids are older like 10, 11

we should go and get a big like caravan thing and do like live from we could do it we could do the show live in Glastonbury with the kids

oh my god they'll hate us by then and probably tell us to stop doing all the stories that's what Jonathan Ross said to me he went about this podcast enjoy it while you can I was like well he always has them sort of like cryptic things went well yeah I used to talk about what my kids did on radio too all the time and then it got to 12 when you can't use that story I was livid I'd get on the radio and go that's the best story I had

so until they you know until they they're not aware of what's going on, I'm sure it'll be fine. And I'll ask one question about Glaston, then we'll do the stag thing. When you got home, talk me through how tired you were, what time you got home and what you had to do childcare-wise. 4.30 on Sunday. PM. PM. Right.

Yeah. Totally fucked. Completely exhausted. Just in a really low place. And then you're parenting. Parenting? I don't know why it makes me laugh when you call it parenting. That's what it is!

I know that's what it is, but it's like, you sometimes talk about it when you talk about doing a certain gig. You know you're on the last leg. You know when you're parenting, it sort of slots in as a little job you do, now and again. It's because I divide my life up into the different versions of myself oh that explains it none of whom allow me to understand who the real me is now that if this is therapy i have i've got you i'm the therapist bang it took what two years we got it you divide your life up

for the different versions of you exactly and that's the problem because you never know who you are and what you're doing exactly Rob and then if those worlds

cross over you panic you don't know who you need to be exactly am I the man drinking a frozen cocktail in the field

watching Crowded House or am I the guy at the home proming his daughter that he'll camp with her in the garden to make up for the fact that they weren't camping without her? I think you're both, aren't you?

Maybe pick one version. You can't pick one version. I was definitely a different version myself on the stag. Actually, I would say that in a way, the great thing about having kids is that when you get back,

you have got something to come back to that you're really looking forward to. Do you know what I mean? coming back to sit and watch more glastonbury coverage or coming back to do you know what i mean there's you're like oh there's this thing i've really missed so that gives you a kind of i missed a girl so much on the stag do really did miss him and i especially because it's such a i'd bea such a sort of a debauched place it's basically drugs house music and sex you know me i hate sex and um it's like so hedonistic out there that all you want to do is come back and sort of just cuddle your kids and lay on the sofa and be normal but i'm glad you had a good time well let's let's hear about let's hear about ibiza because we knew you were going on a stag do yeah well i didn't want to say it was joe swash's because i knew i knew

the papers would be all over anyway yeah like the roger black stuff yeah and i didn't want to say it was his in case he was trying to keep it quiet however considering he he did not keep it quiet neither did i so it was in the paper anyway so they flew out at like 8 a.m from stansted and i flew out afternoon from city airport because i wanted to go to sports day so i didn't want to be that dad that missed sports day for a stag do yeah yeah you couldn't be that guy no particularly when you've got the michael johnson of sports day who's sweeping up the awards yeah of course you want to be there for the big you know if she was shit i wouldn't have gone um but I'm joking. I'm joking. How many people were on the stag? And were there any names beyond Swash, Gaffney and Beckett? No, no.

Gaffney wasn't on the stag. We'll get to Gaffney in a minute. Oh, Gaffney wasn't on the stag? No, he just turns up. He was just there. He wasn't hired like the Wieldstone Raider, though, was he? No. This is what happened. I was flying out on on my own and i knew they were battered because they'd been sending me messages so i went to stansted and

i got there really early because i thought it might be busy actually it weren't busy at all so i sat in a bar and i had two pints of lager but i hadn't had breakfast or lunch on your own on my own absolutely fucked out my head i went to this bar around the corner it was like like a brewery type place in the airport and i had these like weird beers that were like five percent i didn't realize i got so pissed because i hadn't eaten anything then i had to have a panic prep and then i was stumbling about nearly missed my flight left my phone in the toilet oh my god on two pints i was like i'm gonna die here this is i haven't even there yet, but it's because I hadn't eaten and stuff like that. Anyway, but then I arrived about 6.30,

but then there's not enough bus drivers in our B4 airport. So basically, I nearly missed my flight home as well because I was waiting. It got delayed an hour because there's not enough buses to take you to the planes. The planes are all there on time, but because there's a shortage of staff everywhere. So I got to the gate and I gave them my passport and boarding card this is on the way home

you know where's your mask i went oh i haven't got one do they have one because you don't need a mask anywhere yeah in spain or england yeah i went oh if they get one on the plane he went you need one for the bus i said pardon oh my god so in spain you still have to wear masks on buses but i needed it for the bus from the terminal to the plane. Yeah. And I was like, oh, come on, mate. Like, come on. That would have talked him round.

I'm so tired. I was like, come on, mate. I used my hand. He was like, no. And I was like, OK. Could I run alongside? So now I'm going for my bag, trying to find the one that I had on the plane on the way out. Because on the way out, you need a mask because you're going from England to Spain.

What are they going to do? Just leave you on the runway? Well, no, back in the terminal. So then I'm like, I couldn't remember seeing a mask in any of the shops. Because no one fucking wears masks anymore, do they? Yeah, no. And then luckily, someone found one in the queue, come through. So I went, thank you.

So I had his mask. And I put that on, walked down a corridor, got on a bus. Everyone's taking their mask off. So no one's even wearing a mask. And then you get on the plane and you don't need a mask from Spain to England. So I got there late and then I'd slept on the plane. So I slept for two hours on the plane, right?

Get there late. Two pints and he's out like a bloody light. I know, he's such a dad, right? And anyway, and then I go, I get a taxi to go straight to ocean beach because that's where they are so ocean beach is wayne linacre's night not nightclub kind of what's it called beach club well it is i thought it was like an expensive exclusive like posh beach club it's not it's basically a nightclub in the day yeah i walked in at eight o'clock people have

been there since midday everyone is absolutely fucked out of their head josh yeah yeah and i mean i'm the only one with my top on still everyone's got their top off right are you sober at this but have you sobered up yeah completely sober i walk in and it's an ocean beach is it's a bit like a game of thrones brothel but outside okay i've not seen game of thrones but i'd say that sounds accurate it is fucking bananas right everyone is absolutely shit-faced they're all sweating they're all drunk yeah they're all there's like people walking through burnt but like third degree burns that they'll have to everyone's english everyone's english i'd quickly change my top and i'd even had a shower i was still a bit smelly from the plane but i've put a bit of after you got your

suitcase with you at this point no no i dropped the suitcase off changed my clothes that i was traveling in to go out because i thought i was going to an exclusive fancy place so i was like i'll put me nice top on turn up everyone's just like in pants oh my god everyone's just in their pants it looks like toddlers in the garden with a paddling pool right but shit-faced and i'm walking through and I can barely get through because there are all no Joe Swashes there. Now I've turned up and I'm off the telly.

And there was at one point, I'm trying to walk through and everyone is bedlam. Everyone's so close to each other. I can't get through in the end. There wasn't a woman breastfeeding on the floor, was there? Absolutely.

Well, yeah, but not to a child. Plenty of that going on. And I'm trying to walk through, right? And this woman went hey and you're famous and pushed me she was my eye and size she was a she was a solid woman right yeah and i'm trying to i'm just trying to get to my mate i'm trying to walk past she pushes me again you know that that that game in gladiators we have to run through them yeah it's like that she was so solid i couldn't push past her I had to go back and go another way

because you can't go across because there's loads of swimming pools everywhere and I'm in my nice clothes I'm in my going out nice clothes and you're sober

at this stage completely sober and everyone's just like on top of me and then people all want photos but they're all so pissed and like draping yourself

on you this girl wanted a photo and she leant into me and her leg went onto mine because I've got shorts on and i literally felt where she's been there about a week and not shaved anymore the stubbly legs going down my leg and i was nearly physically sick everyone stinks everyone's got little white bits in the corner of their mouth everyone's tongues are luminous yellow and they're about why are their tongues luminous yellow because they've

just been drinking shit all day and And no water And then they're going About eight people And go you smell nice You smell lovely And I was like What's going on here But then I realised I'm the only one

That doesn't stink of piss and shit They all just stink of sweat And sun cream Anyway so I got We all left Because they were so pissed I arrived with one person Being escorted out

Who'd been chucked out For being too drunk right And then I walked out And I go in And then they're all drunk so we go let's all leave and then we go to leave and then we walk back so you don't even get to have a drink at this stage oh mate oh you know i at one point i asked for i just said can i have a cold beer please to like this waitress because i didn't know what was going on with the drinks there's bottles of vodka everywhere oh my god it's mental anyway so i left with them so i've had one beer at this stage and then we're all walking back. And now I'm sort of like a shepherd trying to get him in a cab.

I've become dad of the group. And then we end up going KFC and I had some KFC. KFC? You've flown to Spain to go to KFC? I had it two nights running, mate. Oh, my word. I say I didn't see a Spanish person. It's like Magaluf.

I thought it was a bit more exclusive, but I went to San Antonio. There's two sides to Ibiza. Yeah, and I think I went to the wrong one. I've got that feeling, yeah. Anyway, so I get them back to the hotel. What time are we at now?

About 9pm? No, it's about 9 o'clock. Anyway, we get, and then it takes an hour to get them all home. Get them home at 10 o'clock. I've had two beers before the flight,

slept for two hours, arrived, had one beer, and I've got them all back to the hotel. Anyway, I think, fuck this, I just go to bed, right? Yeah.

I went to bed at 11, woke up the next day at 10am. Oh my God, Rob. So I've had 11 hours sleep. You've had 11 hours sleep on a stag too? Yeah. I wake up to a load of messages. I went to bed at 11. They all messaged again and went back out at 1am.

What do you mean? Because they went to bed and then got back up. Yeah, but the thing is, this stag day was so full on that I could slip out of it because I just want to bed at the interval. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I had 11 hours sleep. I wake up, they're all dead to the world. So I started writing the book.

I didn't start, Rob. Let's do it in two weeks. No, but I started. No. I'm nearly there now. So I woke up, got a coffee, sat on my balcony, wrote a chapter of the book, right? Oh, lovely.

Gets to midday. I'm like, this is unbelievable. And then they all wake up and then we went to another bar and then we sat around a pool. And we sat around a pool all day. This was really nice. That's when Gaffney turned up. Nice guy, Gaffney.

Basically, he's out in Ibiza every summer. I don't know what he's doing there. Yeah. But he's just in Ibiza. He was there. He's got two twin daughters. We should get him on. I don't know what he's doing there, but he's just in Ibiza. He was there. He's got two twin daughters. We should get him on. I'd happily get Dean Gaffney on.

Happily get Dean Gaffney on. Both 25. One of his rules of life, he'll never get of a girl younger than his daughters. Good man. Oh, my God. He told me that, like he was some sort of conquering hero.

You know, like a bit of a... We've both got that rule, to be fair, Rob, haven't we? Yeah, to be fair, actually, yeah. You know, like a bit of a... We've both got that rule, to be fair, Rob, haven't we? To be fair, actually, yeah. That is one of the best things I've ever heard. He's a lovely bloke, though, Dean. He's a really nice bloke.

He's lovely. He's known Joe from years ago, so he just sort of turned up. But that's what Ibiza's like. It's a bit like an 18 to 30s, but for older people, that they all know each other, blah, blah, blah. You met Wayne? I met Wayne Lineker. So that was the next day.

So basically, that was Saturday. You went back to Ocean Beach the next day? No so hear me out so this is Sunday right so on the Saturday I ran the pool there and I say look lads I can't go I'll get to such a Saturday we sat around the pool and then we went to oh mate this place called Cafe Mambos or Mint Lounge or whatever it's where you sit and have dinner and you look out at the sunset yeah and as the sun goes down a dj plays music and when the sun sets everyone claps oh no don't all that i'd say 50 women doing little heart fingers and someone trying to take a photo through the fingers of the sun but they're all looking at it like it don't happen every fucking night yeah i'm just like i've seen the sun go down yeah and if you miss it you got a chance every day

yeah of course i mean and and anywhere was it a particularly good sunset yeah but not one that was exclusive to the restaurant no no no it wasn't like a commissioned sunset from fucking Cafe Mumbo, is whatever it's called. Anyway, so we did that. Then we went to another bar. And then again, I drank loads of water and I tapped out about midnight. They stayed out till about six in the morning again because they're just a bit more hardcore than me.

So I went back to bed at midnight. How was it tapping out of Stag Do? Did you feel like a conquering hero? I just went, I'm going home now. Everyone's so drunk. I couldn't keep up with them, to be honest with you. A lot of them, so like Joe Swash, bless him, it was all in the paper, him having this dag do.

He was drunk, but he wasn't going too mad. He was sat there, and he was sitting at that restaurant. Every time parents walked past, he's got a little baby called Rose, who's about a year. He goes, oh, that baby looks like Rose, and stuff like that. And in the paper, it's like, Joe Swash talks to blonde bombshell. Do you know who that blonde bombshell was the waitress taking our order and they put in a photo of ron but yeah he was doing all that but what's quite funny seeing ib for people that have been when they

were young going back with their kid and it's not the same it was very much like glass day with kids they were just walking past going i wish i was sat at that restaurant doing heart fingers but now i can't because i've got my baby place to take your kids isn't it i just think go there if you're young or if you want to get pissed up but just go to somewhere else just go to center parks or the other side of the island you don't need to go to san antonio it's just it's just proper party central everyone's quite young there as well so it's not much to do for kids. And so did you have a third night out? Yeah, so I went back at midnight. I've been drinking since midday, Josh, around the pool.

Oh, yeah, that's pretty. That's 12 hours. But by anyone else's stretch, that's a good innings. Yeah, I've been on cocktails. I've had shots. I've been drinking. I've been catching up vodka. You know, I've been drinking that for 12 hours.

But I don't know about you, but after 12 hours of drinking, I quite like to go to sleep. Yeah. So I walked home, went to bed, fell asleep at midnight, woke up 10am. Another 10 hours in the bank. Gosh. You sleep more sleep in one night than I did in three at Glastonbury. Guess what happened the next day?

No one's up. Another chapter done. Oh, lovely. I'm flying, Josh. It's like a writer's retreat. You're flying, Josh. It's like a writer's retreat. Who knew that Joe Swish's stag do was the key to open up my creativity?

I love that you brought the laptop. You knew. Well, I just thought if there's a couple of hours in the morning and there was no way I was staying out till 6am drinking, I physically couldn't, Josh. So what happened then? On Sunday, we woke up. I did a bit of a book. We went for a bit of lunch.

And then again, we ended up sitting around that pool. So I was like, look, lads, I ain't going to Ocean Beach again. It was too much. I did have to have a lot of photos there, and it was quite full on. I was like, there's no way I'm going back to Ocean Beach. Have a good one. It's not really my scene. It's too much.

Anyway, so it's midday again. I want to start drinking. So I ordered a bottle of rosé for around the pool because they were drinking rose yesterday no one's drinking rose today so i drink a bottle of rose on my own 12 to 1 gets to one o'clock and we're going ocean beach i'm like yeah i'm in straight away immediately not even just because i got pissed because you had sent me a voice note that ended with the words i'm not going yes and about 12 hours later i was in a cab to ocean beach because then i said to my friends at glastonbury rob's on joe swash's stag do and he's not going to ocean beach and they said i bet he will be i was like it's not i was like it's not really his thing actually the next thing i know there's a screen grab of you and

wayne linacre on instagram yeah so so basically what happened was I got a bit drunk and also I didn't really want to go because I didn't want to have to take my top off, Josh. Have you ever taken your top off at a party? Of course I haven't, Rob. No. So you sort of need to be drunk enough to go topless, don't you? Why do you need to take your top off?

Because it's really hot and it's sunny. That makes it hotter. No, it does. It's all on your skin then, the sun. Yeah, I know, but it was really hot. Anyway, I was drunk, so I had confidence to take my top off. And then people wanted photos, and I said, are people taking photos of me with my top off, Josh,

and putting them on the internet? Oh, no. That's not nice, is it? I was like, don't. And then I didn't want to have to put my top on for the photos, then that looks really pathetic. One second. But actually, in defence of Ocean Beach,

because I have slagged it off quite hard when i got there at midday between midday and about six it was quite good fun everyone's drinking and laughing and it's in the sun and the music's playing and it's not a big event it's not quite a mad thing to experience but then when it got to six o'clock everyone started getting too drunk and i'm what i'm out of it because it is just like full of people getting drunk and getting off of each other and like it don other. If you had a good angle, you could have made it look like I was doing some terrible things when all I was doing was just sitting, staring at the floor, panicking.

And then I left at six o'clock and then I went home and then back to the hotel. But then I bumped into another bloke off the stag who was tired and didn't want to go to Ocean Beach. And then we went out for dinner and had a nice dinner. Just the two of you went out for a lovely dinner together? Yeah, but this is the funniest story of the stag, right? How well did you know it?

I met him once before and stuff, but I don't want to go into too many details about who it was on the stag. But basically, we was out for dinner and he was saying, oh, my missus is fuming with me. And I was like, why? Well, she's got the ump. Because basically, all the photos of the stag and all my Instagram stories have been in the have been in the paper basically and she had the um

because in these photos of him at Ocean Beach surrounded by all these women in bikinis he didn't have his wedding ring on oh and he was sat there going but I swear I didn't take it off I don't know what I'll never do that that's not me and then I explained to him that on Instagram when you film sometimes it mirror flips it oh so that your left hand your right hand your right hand your left hand oh my word okay so because i said to him look look this is at dinner your watch is on the other hand he went oh fuck i went yeah it flips it didn't you know this is like this is like jonathan creek yeah right there yeah and then also i went so just tell her that that's and i can explain it to her if you want yeah because i'm we're both sober at this point it's like eight o'clock ten o'clock at night

having a bit of dinner and then yeah but it's not just that the other problem is i bought loads of shots for everyone when i was drunk and he spent about three four hundred quid on shots right how much is a shot i don't know but i think he was battered and he kept on buying them for everyone so basically he's got charged like 300 quid or whatever it is. And they've got a joint account. It's come through 300 quid. But it doesn't say the name of the bar or nightclub. It just says like, I'm making this name up.

But like, say Carmela Sanchez. So it's come up 300 quid to this Spanish woman. My God. Right. And she's going spare because when you google this name i'm not going to say the real name but this name on instagram basically comes up what i'll describe as an instagram porn star word so why is that the name so it's basically a basically a woman in bikini like just posing in ibiza so very much that this is the worst story ever so if you're if you're at home and you're the wife

height or girlfriend and you see no wedding ring on the finger but you don't understand Instagram yeah and the mirror mirror flip easy situation to to get yourself into she's done she's done nothing wrong here I'm on her side until it's explained you also see the Spanish person's name and what you know 300 qu 300 quid. 300 quid, right? Oh, my. So he's going spare because he was drunk. So he's now going, who's this woman? Have I been scammed?

Because he didn't do anything. He's done nothing wrong because I was with him. I put him into his room. He's done nothing wrong at all. Then I work it out because he looked at the thing and went, I recognise her, though. I think she was the shot girl at the club. So the shot girls at these bars are self-employed.

No. So they buy the drinks from the venue. Oh, my word. And they sell you the drinks at whatever price they want to sell you them. Yeah. And then, I don't know if this is true. This is what you're working on. With some eyes in, I think that's what it is.

So they buy the shots in some bars. And I don't know which bar this happened in. But in some bars, the shot girls buy the shots. So this wasn't in Ocean Beach? I don't know where bar this happened in but in some bars the shot girls buy the shots so this wasn't in Ocean Beach I don't know where it was because he'd been out before but he'd been buying shots in a bar

and I don't know which one it was I don't want to say it was where it was because I don't know where it was but I worked it out that basically

what they do is they buy it off the venue they go around selling it and then they use their card machine for you to pay yeah oh my god

that is that is an incredible situation. So he's sat there going spare. So it looks like he's basically given a woman 300 quid for God knows what and took his wedding ring off, but it's just the mirror flip and he's bought shots directly. That is incredible. And did it clear it up, Rob?

Yes, it did. Because I messaged his missus explaining, and then she texted me back, bless her, saying, hi, Rob, sorry to ruin your evening. I feel so silly. Where am I evening, mate? It's been one of the best dinners I've ever had. This is incredible.

You've made Josh's week. She went, sorry if I ruined your evening. I got a bit, and also, bless him, because if you're seeing all these stories in the newspaper and stuff, going, I didn't really understand what was going on, and now it's been explained. I feel so silly, I'm so sorry, but, like, oh, my God, it was so funny. But, like, I felt a bit like Jonathan Creek when I explained it.

His eyes lit up. Because he knew he'd done nothing wrong, but everything was suggesting he had. Yeah, of course. What a situation for him to be in. I know. It was funny, wasn't it? What a stag to do, Rob.

Oh, no, it was great. And they were really good lads, and it was funny. And then they went on till, like, six morning but i got home last night but they were delayed four hours i think on their flight to stanford monday night i got a monday afternoon about six o'clock oh my word and how how much can you complain about that kind of like about being now i suppose you're not knackered you've had i do you know what i'm not four great nights sleep yeah i've had a 30 hour sleep in three nights oh my god i feel unbelievable and you've written half a book i've written half a book it's been a real good few days for me it's unbelievable i think it's the most peak of our different lives that

i'm at glastonbury when i was in ocean beach though like i felt a bit out of place because it is quite geezery and like essex is a bit towey and all thatOW-y and all that. And I'm sort of all right in those situations, but I still do feel a bit like this isn't really me. I'd rather go and watch an indie band and wear a T-shirt. Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm not really into dance music. I don't think anyone else is there anymore. It's gone quite mainstream.

Like, whenever a song come on with lyrics, people are buzzing. Rather than just like, everywhere you go, though, in our beef, you hear... Yeah. And all I could think was, I'd love to watch Josh here well you know I've been on a stag do there for a few hours Rob a few hours Ocean Beach yeah I've been to a stag do in Ibiza

and we did a few hours in the day at Ocean Beach yeah I mean it's quite an experience it wasn't at peak Ocean Beach yeah because actually between midday and 6 it was just a really lovely chilled beach bar but yeah Ivo Graham bought a board game. What, to Ocean Beach?

Yeah. But it's fairly chilled, but from like six o'clock till ten o'clock at night, or midnight whenever it shuts. Well, it's basically a club that starts at midday rather than at like eight o'clock at night. So if you turned up sober to a nightclub at 3am... What time does it close? I think about midnight.

Right. I don't know how Wayne Lineker does it. No, I don't know how he does it. He doesn't stop. No. There was a few Parenting Hill fans that come over. Was there?

But yeah, a bit like. Not as many as at Glastonbury. No, there was a lot of people asking me if I was a TikToker who had no idea who I was. Just because people wanted photos and they didn't really understand. And you know, you're not far off a TikToker, let's be honest. honest also i got a bit shirty with people yeah towards the end because

it was a bit like non-stop and i sat around the pool one day and this pissed mum come over she was about 50 she was part of a hen do so many hendus and stag do's actually battered and i was laying on a on a sunbed she said you're right do you mind if i lay it with you i went yeah i do and then she laid down on me and i and i got up and went fuck off i just don't want a 50 year old woman laying on me do you know what i mean if i'm gonna get you know i don't want i don't want that so i was a bit a bit rude and i sort of just went yeah i'm gonna and i was slagging people off at the sunset place the lads were giving me shit, going... Because I was just...

But I can't help it. I think that's why I'm a comedian. You just... I go against the crowd. Whatever everyone likes, I don't really like, to be honest. Apart from football, I go with the crowd. Anyway, it was fun, though, and I slept loads and wrote loads of books. That is...

It is a stag to two halves, really, wasn't it? Do you know what? Because they were so up for it, it actually allowed me a chance to slip off. If they all carried on until about 2.3, I would have had to stay with. But because I was going halfway through, I was like, I'm done, lads. But I just couldn't go on for that long.

Two hours sleep on the plane. 11 hours sleep first night. 10 hours sleep second night. Incredible scene. Also, as well, on the plane, I slept for two hours, but listening to these Michael Seeley meditation and quieting in subconscious negativity and all that i turned up to i'll be for zen yeah of course and yet and then went to ocean beach and i went very much ocean beach and me and gaffney

from zen to yen because it is not cheap it was great fun oh well it's been i'd say that's it now for my uh for my summer hijinks you no i've got a bit of hijinks left have you bit of jinx something about me there's a little trip to whitstable in there going to greece but that's with family oh yeah so like not not solo jinx no more solo jinx for me no no maybe not i don't know that's it now until the till when so what have you got to look forward to what in my life yeah that's bleakest way to end the podcast ever what have i got to look forward to you haven't got anything now you need to think of something. I haven't got a family holiday.

You're going to camp in the garden with your daughter. Yeah, I mean, come on now. I've got a tent you could borrow. No, I've got work. I've got that. I've got nothing in my diary that I would file under fun rather than work until I turn 40 next April. And do you know what? The sad thing of that is you're not lying.

I'm not lying, Rob. You need to book something in. I've got the England games in November. Does that count? Not really. Christmas. November. I think you need to book something.

You might as well have a weekend away. Also, it's hard, though, to have a weekend away with a one-year-old, isn't it? Yeah. In many ways, going to Whitstable was a real lesson in how nice it is in our own house I think why don't you just have a little you know when people like um abstain from sex for two years yeah maybe just abstain from fun and accept you're not gonna have that yeah until your youngest is older I think that's what I'm gonna do yeah yeah I think that's the best way because you can't force it no exactly I'm going to the um oh my god i said that with

excitement in my voice go on i'm going to the nursery picnic on saturday oh dear you'll be all right what a life what a life um right quick small business shout out quick small biz shout out dear rob and josh myself and my partner love listening to your podcast thank you so much for all the laughs i wondered if you could give my dad's business a shout out. It's opened in the last year and everyone involved has worked really hard on it. It's called The Secret Farm and is in Moggerhanger, Bedfordshire. What is that? Bedfordshire.

It's a pick-your-own fruit farm with lots of activities for all the family, including a beach, Moggerhanger on sea, complete with palm trees, play tractors, often the real ones, and food slash ice cream slash bar. A really affordable fun day out for everyone. Just book a ticket online and it's thesecret.farm. On Facebook, it's thesecretfarmuk or Instagram, the.secret.farm. That's quite cool, isn't it? It's good, isn't it?

I'm trying to look at it. Oh, yeah, look at that. Pick your own fruit. That'd be fun. Oh, oh that would be nice that's the kind of entertainment i need rob you need that some wholesome stuff yeah wholesome stuff farm to farm entertainment that's what you want exactly it'd be like my childhood won't it farm to plate farm to heart farm to heart feels like a slogan i'll work on it i'll come back to you why don't you go away to ibiza get up in the morning you'll have hours to work on it yeah i'll come back to you. You'll work on it. Why don't you go away to Ibiza, get up in the morning, you'll have hours to work on it. Yeah, I'll keep telling that.

Lou, I've got a new book deal. I'm going to go to Ibiza for a month. See you later. Maybe that's just what Dean Gaffney's doing. He's penning his memoirs. I've come back, Lou, with 10,000 words and regret. But I'm here. And it's been productive.

OK, right, we'll see you on Friday for a guest episode. See you then, bye.