Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S04 EP46: The Fact Monster Has Arrived

Episode Date: July 11, 2022

S04 EP46: The Fact Monster Has Arrived(Apologies for the late release of this episode, producer Michael had his luggage go M.I.A. somewhere between New York and London hence the delayed upload...) Thanks Rob + Josh (and Michael) BIG NEWS.... we're writing a book! ⭐ All the stories we can’t tell on the podcast – in depth.⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents)⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them... [e-mail]'s it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)?And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick?Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike.Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here: https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBookIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellMAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Hey, Emmy, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Whittakin? Josh Whittakin. Well done. That is Imogen.

She's from Tooting, South West London. She'll be two in August, but where's her mum from, Rob? I don't know, but I can tell from that name and the way she's speaking, I reckon they're in a little flat in Tooting, South West London. She'll be two in August, but where's her mum from, Rob? I don't know, but I can tell from that name and the way she's speaking, I reckon they're in a little flat in Tooting. They're moving out soon. Bit more space.

Wow. Her mum's a Kiwi. Oh, classic New Zealanders. Yeah. New Zealanders, Australians, South Africans, love it,

South West London. I've been living in London for the past seven years. I've been listening to your podcast since it started. Initially, I was on long lockdown walks with a newborn,

and now I'm on commute to the office. Thank you for all the lols and being so relatable that's from miriam 396 months whatever that is uh what 35 something like that yeah it's about that's our demographic shumacher mariel shumacher miriam shumacher what a name oh is that her name yeah oh wow i didn't know i thought there was only one shumacher? Miriam Schumacher. What a name. Oh, is that her name? Yeah. Oh, wow. I didn't know. I thought there was only one Schumacher. Well, there's the brothers as well, so there's two from the off. I know, but I'm saying that family.

I don't think Michael Schumacher just arrived on his own. Actually, the Plymouth manager is called Stephen Schumacher, and he's from Liverpool. Okay, well, you know what? I'll take it back, and I'm wrong. Fucking hell. You've had some truth juice today, haven't you? The facts monsters arrived.

I'm just trying to help out. I'm just trying to help out, Rob. I'm just trying to help out, Rob. Well, how about you don't help, okay? It was a little thing about the name. I've not heard much. No one cared. I was trying my best not to say anything offensive

around the whole Schumacher name. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Now we're back on track. How are you? Oh, man. Wow. Not good. We've had a bit of a struggle trying to get this.

Yeah. Because basically, we're going to have a couple of weeks off because it's very busy for us at the moment. And we have to have a little break at some point in the year for some sort of boring podcast reason. However, we're having a couple of weeks where it will be best of episodes. So this is us. And we've been struggling. We're very busy at the moment. We've been struggling to catch up and you've not been well josh is that correct i've been ill rob i've been ill you get ill quite a lot is that that sort of a thing you

do isn't it yeah i think i've got a weak immune system also when you have kids i think i'm getting all the young kids bugs again because i've got a second young kid you know i'm getting the young kid bug are you okay that'll get you in trouble i've just got a bug again kid. Do you know what I mean? You're getting the young kid bug, are you? Okay, that'll get you in trouble. I've just got the bug again. I can't... No, Josh. What have I told... I've just got the bug. I'm not a Tory whip, Rob.

Oh, yes. Great stuff. Boris might be gone by the time you listen to this. Yeah, exactly. So we've been struggling to meet up and you're feeling ill. But Glasto can't have helped, can it? No,on... So we've got... No, Glaston. We've got to have a Glaston. I'll be honest with you.

I've had a bad run. So I had my two weeks of sleeping pills induced anxiety before Glaston. Yeah. And then my one week of Glaston induced anxiety after Glaston. Yeah. And then I got well and then I just got ill. Right. And now on Sunday, Rob. Yeah, so all day I felt nauseous.

Okay. I was... Today, we'll be doing this Tuesday. Tuesday. I wasn't able to stand up straight for the whole day. Really? Right. So you got a bit of a loose neck?

I was, like, leaning over because I felt so nauseous, like Mrs. Overall. Okay. And so I... And then at the end of the day I went to brush my teeth. Yeah. And I thought I'm going to throw up here. Oh no. And I threw up

every meal of the day in reverse order. That sounds like from a Beano cartoon. What did you eat? Admittedly, I've made a mistake of having a takeaway curry for dinner. That's a terrible decision. You've had your curries out. What about lunch?

I just wanted something for taste. I had pizza for lunch. I mean, it was bad. Fucking hell, mate. I know, isn't it? You sure you weren't just fucking full, you greeny bastard? And I had a gato for breakfast. Yeah, I felt ill all day.

I don't know what it was. I should say also, it was my last day on death row as well. So I just thought, I threw up the curry and I thought, well, that was that dumb. And then I was like, here we go. Oh, wait a minute. And then I threw up the pizza. What was the giveaway? Was it a sort of a rogue jalapeno or something?

You could just tell I was like well that's all the curry done this is disgusting we can't stop talking about it sorry

but it was just was that in the sink as well no in the toilet okay I've never before in my life experienced

that happen it was surreal was it three separate yeah it was like one and then 20 seconds where I thought, well, that's that done. Oh, no, here we go again.

I bet you're a horrible sicker as well. I bet there's a lot of... You've got a bit of a dog energy round the mouth sometimes. I don't know why. Just round and round, sort of barking it out. Yeah. I'll be honest with you. If I was in a cubicle next to you, like,

you'd have to leave the toilets because it is intense. You know it know it's happening there's no question what you're up to it's a purging do you know what i mean so that was sunday night and did you feel better no monday didn't feel very good but um you sound lethargic yeah do you know what I did last night, Rob? What? You know when you're ill and you think you should listen to your body? Yeah. What's the plan? I just really fancied another curry. You fancied another... I had another curry.

Yeah, I think you've gone down with a case of greedy bastard. Body just can't take it. So you had another curry? Yeah. And then what happened? I was all right. Oh, right, okay. And then I woke up this morning.

Okay. I was just... I'm no longer sick at all. I wasn't sick yesterday. Okay, well... But I just felt very, very lethargic. No, don't say it wrong. You sound lethargic.

Yeah, and then we... If this was just a phone call, I'd be like, fucking come on, liven up. People are going to listen to this. Drive it, Rob. Drive it. I'm trying to drive it, Josh. But you just keep telling me how you felt every moment of the day.

I'm sorry. That's fine. But you're not well, Josh. Go on. For parenting. Yeah. It was my daughter's settling in day at school at her new school oh where they go and meet the teacher they're gonna have next year all that

yeah how was that it was all right yeah it was good she she was less nervous about it than we were do you know what i mean right yeah rose particularly was worried that she hadn't formed any long-lasting friendships within the hour of her settling in period. What Rose hadn't or your daughter hadn't? Our daughter. Because your parents wait in the waiting room area. Because that's what we had to do. They took them in and you just waited outside. And what other kids are going up from the nursery of that school?

Right, OK, there's already a strong alliance, OK? Yeah, well, that's what we're doing, Rob. Rose will listen to this. She's already got that view. That it's going to be an impossible nut to crack because there's nursery relationships is it like the holland at the 96 euros it's just a couple of cleats you cannot break these kids who've been they've spent two years in nursery together there's no getting beyond there's no getting in.

So we went to that. And then we were chatting to the head teacher and we were in the sun. And it was like, you know, we're chatting about all the stuff about the school. I was directly in the sun. I had some sun cream in my pocket. But I was like, I just don't think I can bring it out in this situation. I think it would be too weird to suddenly start sun creaming my face. Yeah, I think because if you just started sun creaming up as you spoke to them...

Yeah, I can't do that. No, I think if you do it with ultimate confidence... I think you'd look mental. No, I think... If you're talking to a headteacher for the first time, and mid-conversation you just took some sun cream out of your pocket and put it all over your face, I don't think that's acceptable. Is it?

No, it isn't. And then you can't. But then if you went, excuse me, sorry to interrupt, but I'm going to put some sun cream on now, that implies you're going to strip to your pants and do it, and they've got to leave. So, yeah, there's no good time is there exactly because also if you did say excuse me i'm gonna put some sun cream on it shows where

your mind's been for the last five minutes so do you want to practice what did you show you you didn't do it you got burned yeah so if say i'm the ted teacher and i'm going yeah and then and you're and i'm talking to you. Now, attempt to try and approach this. Okay, so give me some kind of spiel about, I don't know, uniform or whatever. Oh, we're very excited to have the girls and boys coming in today. I don't know if you've been told, but next week, there is a second-hand uniform sale.

So if you haven't got all your bits and bobs, you can get them cheaper. It's hot, isn't it? Do you know what? We do a range of, like, summer dresses. Yeah, of course yeah i'm quite proud of myself so i'm right do you mind if i just um apply some factor 30 to me no yes yes I do mind.

I know you feel a bit weak and vulnerable at the moment because you're not well, and you're remembering something that made you awkward, so you're rubbing your hands together. You're clapping a bit as well, aren't you? You're not finger clapping. I'm in a bad way. Oh, Josh. Man.

But it was good. I couldn't believe this, Rob. Yeah? I'm hosting the pub quiz For them in September What for the school? Oh they've already got you They've absolutely got me By the go dads

Clamped in That is nailed on at least every year Potentially every term The PTA are going to be all over you Like a fucking rash So there we go um but uh yeah it went well my daughter enjoyed it like she loved it she loved the playground and she liked her teacher she'll love it and she'll really enjoy it but it's difficult when it's your first

one because their ignorance is bliss they don't care it's the parents that get worked up we me and lou were the same yeah i think the best thing to do is don't listen to anything that your brain says and just go with them and hold their hand and go, off you go, bye, and just don't think. Yeah. Because you cannot do anything. No. There is literally nothing you can do.

So the more you mire about it, the worse. Oh, God, let's try David Attenborough. But there's nothing you can do to help her, but that's why you feel powerless. That's why it's so stressful. But there's nothing you can do to help her but that's why you feel powerless so that's why it's so stressful but there's nothing you can do you can't go in there and help her make friends that would be worse that would actually make it worse if old sun cream dad was in there rubbing his head do you know what i was doing though i was like i was looking at the other kids that's awful he's got the bug he has got the bug i was looking at the other kids thinking she looks like she might be similar do you know what i mean like oh she's wearing a jumper

with a unicorn on that's a good that's a good common ground i know it's so tiring you're inventing little events that could or couldn't happen just hopefully to be positive but that's totally understandable that's why it's stressful when a kid goes to school, because it's the first bit of power you lose over you can't help. Yeah. But she went to nursery fine and loved it, didn't she? Yeah, loved it. She's good with Kit.

She'll be totally fine. But it's all in our heads, do you know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. But, yeah, basically, I think the less you speak to her about it, the better it'll be, probably. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, because afterwards, we're speak to her about it, the better it'll be probably. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah. Yeah. Because afterwards we're quizzing her going, do you like that? Do you happy with that? Do you like that? And you're like, shut up.

I'm like that. I can hear myself saying it. Going, I fucking hate this if I was the kid. Shut up, Rob. I do it every time I pick her up from school. I go,

how was school? And I go, as soon as I say it, I go, I fucking hated it when my mum asked me that. What the fuck am I doing it every time I pick her up from school. I go, how was school? And as soon as I say it, I go, I fucking hated it when my mum asked me that. What the fuck am I doing here? What else do you say? Oh, have you seen Rishi Sunak's gun? He's there.

How have you been? I've got quite a lot to get through, Josh. Lots has happened. I've done lots of parenting, because I was wearing our beefer. I already took the bull bull by the horns went to see minions at the cinema oh yeah fell asleep immediately you fell asleep yep straight away within five minutes woke up for the last five minutes absolutely classic behavior kids didn't even get no i just put my hand on their hand and when they get scared scared, they squeeze it. Oh my God. So that's how I did it. That is a lovely cap. But you've got to be careful.

The Minions thing, it's a TikTok trend, so teenagers are dressing up in suits and clapping and cheering and taking bananas in. So there was loads of weird clapping. That's what made me wake up. There was clapping.

So what do you mean they're clapping? I heard about this online. So like at any moment in the film where something happens that feels like it should be a clap, like this baddie they're trying to get away from. They turn the corner and then they look back and there's no one behind them chasing them.

And it's like, oh, yay! But it's all part of the TikTok trend. What do you mean it's a TikTok trend? Okay, so it's a... And then they're filming it and putting it on TikTok. Yes. And then also just sort of doing it. It's a fun thing to do.

Like, it's a happy slapping for Gen Z. Shouldn't be filming it. It's not legal, but there we go. Well, yeah, exactly thing to do. Like, it's a happy slapping for Gen Z. Shouldn't be filming it. It's not legal, but there we go. Well, but, yeah, exactly. But it's like, you know, happy slapping was a trend. Yeah, yeah. But now it's sort of trends are starting on TikTok. Yeah, okay, that's good.

But I was so hungover, Josh. Do you know what I ate when I went in there? Curry? And then I was sick. I saw it in my mouth. No, I had a hot dog. I had an ice cream. Sweets and popcorn.

What? You're having a go at me for being a greedy guy? At least I can keep it in, mate. You're listening from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I know, it was so... I was actually disgusted.

So did you order it all in one go? Yeah, I had to do two trips from the counter. What? And you just left? What did your kids have? They had some pick-a-mix and then the cinema,

they do like a little tray which is quite good where you get like a fruit shoot bag harry bow and some popcorn oh it's not too bad um but i was really hungover because i went to adele and i got absolutely battered oh yeah friday going to adele i just got so shit faced but i think everyone's so everyone's so stressed from lockdown that now they're all allowed out everyone's just going mad and i feed off other people's energy and i just got so pissed yeah that's a great excuse that's i mean i feed off other people's energy and i just got so pissed it's very much a chris pincher style excuse rob oh i went on a dog walk right um with fred and as i was finishing there was a fun run the bit being set up some sort of church fate thing and it was a bit there was all stuff set up and i was trying

to get through it before it started, so I wasn't in the way because the dog would just go mental. Anyway, I got to where it was starting. It also was where it finished. There was a big sign that said, finish line. Congratulations, well done. And people waiting there to cheer the racers. And there's about, I'd say, 50 people there.

And I walked through, and I went, stop it. For me, it's just a dog wall guys how did they go down to complete silence what yes no yeah what's wrong with this fucking country and then someone excuse me sir there's a race for that kind of attitude i was living i was flying i've had a coffee I'd had a dog walk I was high on life I was like no no no

let's give them a bit of Rob Beckett off the telly I'll give them some don't worry nothing for that come on it's a fucking finish line

at the end of a dog walk and then a lady in high voice went excuse me sir there's a race here can you please get off the path and I went yeah

no problem and I went out point Dexter oh so this happened. You know, when my daughters were having a play date with a girl from school when I was in Ibiza, and I didn't realise that when, we've got like a ring doorbell thing.

Yeah. And the doorbell rang, and I sort of half answered it on my phone by accident. Oh no, not from Swatch's stag do. Yep, from Ocean Beach. No. Off my face, and the dad said, he could just see like the underneath of my

chin and he could just hear what was going on in ocean beach as he came to pick his daughter up from a play date oh that is a depressing moment it's not it's bad isn't it um oh this pissed lou off so much right okay because you know lou um she does a bit of charity work stuff and that and she's looking to get back into teaching when the youngest starts school which is in september so she sort of started off looking around that was always our plan that when the kids are both in school because of my diary as well if lou has a full-time job it really impacts child care and stuff like that but when they're both in school it makes it easier so um lou was getting ready to go out and then she said and then uh my daughter went why don't you do this why don't you do that about something i can't remember what it was something stupid and go out. And then she said, and then my daughter went, why don't you do this? Why don't you do that?

About something. I can't remember what it was. Something stupid. And something silly. And then Lou said, what do you think I do all day? And my eldest went, you rest. You take us to school and you have a lovely rest. And it was just such a sweet, sort of naive,

six-year-old's thought. Is it naive though Rob but well I don't know if she was just doing it to get under her skin because Lou was not happy you know I do it as a parent sometimes

you know when you slightly overreact when you but it's just a flippant comment from a child but it cuts to your core like you're being

interviewed by a pacsman imagine if you'd said that just rest do you think I'd just rest I'd go to the shopping do everyone's dinner do all this washing.

And it was totally right. But then my daughter just pissed herself laughing. And now whenever she comes home from school, she goes, nice rest. Oh, that is glorious, Rob. It's a good one, isn't it? Because your daughter's doing your work for you. What, getting under my wife's skin? All those things you want to say that you're too scared to say,

and your daughter's doing it for you. You have a lovely rest. I do not think that by the way josh don't you dare try and throw me under the bus and position me in a situation podcast then ask michael to read it out all those things i say to you on whatsapp that we don't say on the show no not at all i love lou and i really appreciate what she does yeah um she's an incredible mother blah blah blah blah all the stuff you have to say um my daughter came out of preschool and she told all the teachers that if I pull my daddy's finger, sometimes he does real farts, sometimes he does fake farts, because I do that little pull my finger joke.

Oh, yeah. So she's told all the teachers about that. But I think they probably assumed that I did that anyway. Yeah, they know what side of the tracks you're from, Rob. Is that true? Yeah. What percentage are real and what percentage are fake? Whatever my body can produce.

Yeah. If it's not happening, they get a fake one. But if there's some there, they get them. Yeah. They will get almost any real one that comes out

if they're in the vicinity. Yeah, yeah. I've had to shout from upstairs and they sprint down before. Because sometimes they're losing a race. Not really a farter, Rob. I know, we spoke about this. You just burp, don't you?

Yeah. Well, not just burp at the moment. I'll tell you that for free. I wonder if I've got a genuine stomach problem. Anyway, it's not the time. Don't write in. So this has happened as well, right? Oh, I've got a couple of things here to talk about.

Let me say about that so we don't forget. Roger Black, class rep, killing sheep. Okay. Well, we know what Roger Black is me say about now so we don't forget, Roger Black, class rep, killing sheep. Okay, well, we know what Roger Black is, me and you, so shall we headline

with Roger Black because people are really excited about that because that is from last week. There's been a development in the world of Roger Black. Yeah,

so Roger Black's been messaging, hasn't he? And he's been asking to send his love to Louise, my wife, because I suggested

that he'd been having an affair with Lou, which is why my daughter was so good at Sports Day. Anyway, he's coming hot on the messages. Hi, Rob. Thanks for mentioning me on your podcast.

My teenage boys won't admit it, but for a moment they seemed proud slash impressed of their dickhead dad. I'm sure... Oh, this is great from Rob. We've got to get Rob John, haven't we? The big takeaways are it was a very loud indoor arena,

which is why he had such a fucking massive microphone. I asked him about that. It was a very loud indoor reader. Come on, mate, you're not on Gladiators. It was a live indoor meeting. It was very noisy. Also said, there's no way on earth you sold that many exercise machines.

250,000, right, was the number, wasn't it? And he said, well, I did sell that many exercise machines actually i had 15 years under exclusive license to argos with my brand that's why so many were sold oh fair enough fair enough i only got a tiny tiny percent but was lucky they chose me for all those years i now run the business with a small team selling directed consumers. So nothing like the same number of sales that the mighty Argos had. So if you want a Roger Black bike or... This is a little small business shout-out for a man that had a 15-year...

Big business shout-out. Yeah, the small business had a 15-year contract. I've done the adverts. I've done the maths. A man who was selling 17,000 exercise machines a year through Argos. Even a quid a machine. Yeah. What happened? He said, yeah, so a small through Argos. Even a quid a machine. Yeah. What's happened?

He said, yeah, so a small business shout-out for the man that had the 15-year contract of Argos. Anyway, he's a nice bloke. He hasn't been a broadcaster for years, so that's an old photo, probably a live indoor athletics meet, yeah. So... Oh, so he doesn't remember the incident exactly.

No, I think it's quite a standard, a standard microphone for athletics. He wasn't like, oh, I remember that microphone. Oh, I remember that one. What a bloody name. You couldn't bloody hear yourself think in the old Birmingham NIA. I couldn't see. I thought the guy in the yellow jersey won.

It was just my microphone and my vision. Like the Tour de France. The only time I've ever watched an athletics commentator's face, because normally you just hear it, is Autish from the Gadget Show, that clip. Oh, yeah, yeah. You must have seen that. Oh, that is a clip and a half.

If you've got it, play it. He's trying to wrap up the show, isn't he? Because basically they count in your ear. I'm sure we've done it on here before, but play it again for all time. I don't think we have. I think we have. But I tell you, it's been played. You know when you can see you've played a YouTube video?

I've played this one. Yeah. He's trying to wrap up the end of the show, and they're counting in his ear how long he's got that was a good performance so we have a gloriously sunny day here in the studio and we've seen some action this morning as well jessica ennis good night lovely sun in the studio poor artist it's stressful live live telly do you think they should mention jessica renis i think she might have run and he just basically what you need to say is it's been a glorious day here at wherever he actually is not in the studio

at the same time it's a glorious day at crystal palace we saw jessica renis with another another wonderful performance thank you for watching. Good night. That's all you need to say. But he panicked, I think. He might have been distracted because it is distracting to talk to in your ear. But I'm sure he spoke about that anyway. On the topic of TV, Rob, do you want to know how out of control my life

has got in the last three weeks? So we haven't had BBC Two for a week. I just can't go round to fixing it. Because there's something wrong with our TV. It needs something. I need to troubleshoot it or whatever. So have you got Sky or Virgin?

Yeah, but it's really patchy. The channels are dropping like flies. There's something wrong with my TV. Is that the cabinet? Yeah, exactly. People are going to go, I love that topical podcast you did four days too late but um yeah and i've i just said i had to say to rose's mum this morning she was like you haven't got

half the channels i was like yeah i'm gonna sort that in about a week or two because that's how out of control my life is are you just busy well you've got lots of work coming in and we've got the book due in in. Busy. And summer holidays. We've got the book due in on Friday, haven't we? Yes. I've finished it. I've done it. Oh, you effing see.

You absolute effing see. You went for it there, didn't you, Josh? I went for it. I mean, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth. Yeah, but I think I'm giving off very much finish the exam and hour early vibes. Oh, yeah. Whereas I'm asking for my mouth. Yeah, but I think I'm giving off very much finish the exam and hour early vibes. Oh, yeah, whereas I'm asking

for more paper. Yeah, I hated them. How could you need more paper? How big is your writing? They still make your hand write exams now. Surely a little laptop. I think they do.

I don't think you can take it Imagine the tapping. My hand would hurt so much after a fucking exam awful I hated exams I found them so stressful did you? I didn't mind an exam

I didn't mind it I liked the time on my own really I've been left alone in any situation just a little bit of quiet did you? just a little bit of quiet time oh dear

oh that's the other thing about killing sheep oh no two more things killing the sheep basically i was eating lamb chops and my daughters asked what they were and i explained and they both cried and they went you're eating little baby like lambs oh yeah and then yeah oh yeah and then she went why i went because they're tasty and she went, why? I went, because they're tasty. And she went, but why? And I went, and she was like, other things are tasty. You don't have to kill them. I was like, fair point.

And they're just tasty. And then she went, who killed them? Did you kill them? Whoa, that's a jump. But hasn't she had lamb? No, they're very much plain pasta. I've got a strong feeling that I'm going to have two sort of like... Two little veggies.

Two little buckwheat vegans. Oh, mate. Which is fine, don't bother me, but I'm just, you know... Cheap. I've come a long way, let me have meat. You've got to the top of the food chain, Rob. Yeah, no, not that way. Not like I'm an apex predator, but I mean, like,

there's a lot of things I don't do now that I used to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me have meat. I used to put plastic on but I mean, like, there's a lot of things I don't do now that I used to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me have meat. I used to put plastic on the bonfire. Come on. I've burnt ties in rubble. Come on. Yeah, you're meeting people halfway.

I'm washing out. I'm washing out. Y'all got parts, Josh. Let him eat a baby fucking sheep. Let me eat a little lamb. And so would they eat any meat? Could you not turn that on them? Because this happened to my wife recently.

Yeah. To Rose. That was a bit weird, wasn't it? Yeah, between this two and a half years, I've known you 12 years. But yeah. What's her name again? It was something to Rose that she went for lunch with my daughter. Yeah.

It was when we were in Whitstable. And so Rose was eating, I can't remember what it was, but it was a sea creature that looked like what it is. And my daughter was just eating fish because it didn't look like a fish. She was fine with it. Yeah, I think that's the thing. But I wonder whether they associate those two words separately at that age.

Does a four-year-old see the word fish and think the food fish is also the thing that swims in the sea? I don't understand. I don't know. I think there's a lot they get in their head round. Yeah. They eat sausages. My daughter really got into bacon

until she had too much of it. So they don't really eat... They eat beef at McDonald's. They'll have chicken nuggets and things. But they don't... Anything that looks like an animal they're not sure about. They wouldn't go anywhere near a pool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. That's like kryptonite to a kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the other thing is um josh winnicom yeah you are listening to oh no the new class rep of year two oh have you saved this for 37 minutes into the pod just said 37 minutes have a look have a look at your running time and see how much michael's edited out that's a little treat for you that's a fun little in-game for the little in-game how much has's edited out. That's a little treat for you.

That's a fun little in-game for the listener. Fun little in-game. How much has dropped out at this point? And factor in adverts. Yeah, don't count them. Don't count them. Count pure content. Yeah, so one of the mums has been doing it for a couple of years. So what does this involve?

It's basically, it seems like a lot of WhatsApp liaising with the teachers in the school about certain things that may change that isn't, like, on the website. So if, like, oh, next week we're now going to go and do this, everyone needs to wear, you know, tracksuit or PE uniform. And they've put you in charge of that? I've taken control, OK?

Someone, they needed a new person. Lou put herself forward but lou was might also be doing it you had millibanded her well no she wants to do reception we're looking at trying to get it done and get it out early so basically you're on a whatsapp group i'm the i'm the linchpin between the school and the other parents and also i need to sort out what we do is we do a whip round for birthdays so whose birthdays the school kids birthdays so what we're doing is we all do a whip right and then that way we're out the whip well then we all just do a present that comes from all the class oh so whenever you go to a party there's one good present that's a bit more expensive and then basically as classroom i'll speak to the parents and go what would they like and there's a set amount i don't know what the budget is but rather than everyone spending a fiver or the

tenner and it builds up you'd rather put that tenner in and get something decent for someone wouldn't you right yeah or five or whatever it is you're putting in unsighted i had a situation exactly like that we were going to five year five-year-old's birthday party. I went to the toy shop, and I was like, I barely know it. My daughter didn't come. I'm now currently buying a present for a five-year-old I don't know. You have got the bug, haven't you? Sorry.

It's become the catchphrase of the episode. Geoff's just got the young kid bug. Oh, God, it's going to be the episode title. It's become the catchphrase of the episode. Joshua's got the young kid bug. Oh, God, it's going to be the episode title. It's a disaster. But, yeah, so that's exactly the point. So what I'll do is, as class rep, also I will have two deputies that help me out if I'm busy. I'm actually recruiting them at the moment.

You're recruiting dex? Yeah, big time. Oh, we're going to recruit some dex. But you see, now can Sajid Javid. They're available. They're available, mate. I can't go into class reps or TV without being flanked by an Asian man. So,

are you worried that you're going to have to make some difficult decisions in recruitment? Well, no, there are two. This is so exciting. There are two. This has really given the podcast a new lease of life.

You're talking to a class rep now, mate. Buckle up. So basically the. I'd be more. It feels more like I'm talking to a club rep, if I'm honest with you. Can I tell you, the previous club rep isn't convinced. Class rep. Class rep.

Yeah, not club rep. Class rep isn't convinced I'm going to do a great job. Because when we were talking about it at the pub, she spoke across me to Lou and said to Lou to Lou I'll text you about it later Whoa! It feels like imagine I think how Boris governs let's do this and then they sort it out themselves Do you think people see you as a kind of you're the face but

Lou's the kind of brain? That's what they want to think Like she's the Cummings and you're the Johnson I'm the Goins Yeah But no I want to stand up on my own two feet josh and show that i can do this and the um the the previous class rep said well i have two people to help me out and they're happy to stay on i went well i will be taking applications so they're more than well it's open with a new brush it's open to it's open to tender i'm

if anyone wants to get involved i'm sending out to tender. He's got rid of the backroom staff. If anyone wants to get involved, I'm pushing for an all-male class rep to go against the normal mum-dominated class rep zones. Oh, you're doing a male-only for shortlist? Very, very, very, I count, you know, intuitive. I like it. Yeah, so it's going to go...

And so you're going to interview? Well, that's what I'm planning to do. This is... The fucking power's gone to your head. It's incredible. It's insane. I mean, I did immediately... We were trying to...

Basically, we went to the pub with all the end-of-term little drink thing on the pub on a Sunday. Surprised you let them sit with you, if I'm honest with you. With all the other parents. And the kids all played on the swings. It's a really good pub.

There's, like, swings that are big enough to keep them busy and then you can sit there and have a drink and eat and it's nice. Oh, is it summer holidays now, more or less? So you're wrapping next September? Yeah, so in a couple of weeks it's really good pub there's like swings that are big enough to keep them busy and then you can sit there and have a drink and eat and it's nice it's summer holidays now more or less so you're wrapping next yeah so in a couple of weeks it's summer holidays i don't know where this is going next september so from next september when they move up a year and i've got a full year for a full year and um and then but i've got so i've got to do all the presents for the kids and

also any like end of term presents for the teachers again so rob yeah just to get this clear yeah yeah yeah we could be in the dressing room at the o2 in april waiting to go on and you'll be fucking around sorting out the whip for a six-year-old's birthday gift yeah i mean also as well lou did point out that i'm going to australia in november so i won't even be i'll be on the other side of the world getting text messages at 3am about someone's fucking PE kit that I've got to send on that Lou said I'll probably sleep through. So give me your top five kind of jobs.

Like what are the main, what's the word? My main responsibilities are to keep, to be the link between the school and the parents for anything that comes in at last minute. Also be in charge. What do you mean anything that comes in last minute? So if, for example,

to communicate any messages from the school to the parents, so for example, oh, we're now not doing that, but rather than sending an email out and things like that. You get used to popping on the WhatsApp group. And if you've got any concerns, it comes to me and I'll take them to the school on behalf of the class.

You're HR. I'm HR. I mean, I don't know what this is. I think our year just invented this. Because it's not like a proper job. But yeah, I'm HR now. I'm involved in the accounts department. And what do your assistants do?

They take over when you're in Australia or when you're here? Well, I'm a bit snowed under. Or maybe, you know, we've got a second encore at the O2. I'm like, hey, big dog, can you take this? I'm busy now. Stuff like that. So yeah, I mean, at the moment, I'd argue there's already a coup being organized by the other parents oh my god no because i i put my flag in the ground and said i am the class rep now what are we doing let's get

this sorted my worry for you yeah is your you're too straight speaking for politics you're not a game player this is one of the things i like so much about working with you yeah you're too straight speaking for politics. You're not a game player. This is one of the things I like so much about working with you. You're straight down the line. You speak as you find. You don't play the game of politics. Well, maybe that's what we need now in politics. We need some truth. I'm the sort of thinking man's Farage.

I've always said it. I've always said it. So, yeah, I see how that goes but there's already murmurs of no confidence and I've not even taken over yet so when's the handover

is it is the handover the start of the end of the summer holidays or half way through well I think the old crow stick comes out like in politics

you know they bang on the door three times and let them in and then old big dog steps up to the plate puts a cape on or whatever it is no i don't know to be honest but i think what worried them was i said i'll do it it'll be great content for the podcast and i think that did concern them slightly they weren't wrong you weren't wrong yeah and um i uh and then i got i got called out by limi for not laughing at his senior management joke. What was his senior management joke? Well, because we know he spoke about it before.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And his daughter was the CEO. Anyway, you haven't laughed at that yet, Rob. I will next time, I promise. So that's the plan. So he's not going to be one of your lieutenants. He's not going to be the Alistair Campbell, Chiatoni Blair, is he?

Well, it depends if people are up for it. I'm just just saying do you want to come on a journey to success hop on board i wonder if there's like class rep of the year little wall still have they just got it in your year or is it every year i think it's like they suggest you could do it because it's quite good to have so i think i don't know your cv you're not doing the duke of edinburgh no i've got no i've got no i've got no idea whatsoever, Josh. But I'm going to take... You're going to put it in your national record of achievement. And then my little NRA.

Anyway, so that's what's happening there. But wish me luck. You know, fingers crossed I get it over the line. Do you know what? It's good to have some plain speaking people who are in politics for the right reasons. Yeah. I.e. to make the podcast better

yeah just to get myself in a little bit of a pickle you know i'm rushing around you know at melbourne airport trying to buy a kid a present before i fly back to london do you have to physically buy the present yourself no i'm sure i can order it online i'm pretty bit of a whiz when it comes to the technology i mean you're you're sourced with buying and wrapping the present, are you? Oh God, have I got to wrap it? Well, if you're buying it off... I'll outsource that. To Lou.

I didn't say that. Maybe I'll have a few wrappers as my deputies. They'll be able to help me. But we'll see what happens. But I'm planning on doing it. It's just the best news I've had all year. I'm really... You're excited about that?, but I'm planning on doing it. It's just the best news I've had all year. I'm really... You excited about that?

Yeah, I'm so excited. Right, do you want some Instagram messages? Yeah. Let's do some of these, right? Okay. Hi, Rob and Josh. I'm a mother of two girls, Liliana, who is eight, and Rosalia, who is five. I often plug them into iPads in their car with headphones so I can listen to you guys freely.

I'm currently working my way through the back catalogue. I referred to an episode in season two when you asked, what is the longest baby? Sorry, what's the longest baby? About two foot, nine foot. No, the longest a baby has gone without a name. A colleague of mine didn't name his baby for a good couple of weeks. And then after that, proceeded do one-week trials of names to see if it suited her.

Oh, my God. Then decided on a name for a couple of months and then changed their minds again. Oh, my word. Fast forward, the baby's a year old and has been christened. The mother decided she has now come across too many other babies with the same name in baby groups. No, no, no.

So they're going to change the name again and have her rechristened. That is effing insane. That's man. What is real main character syndrome? Who cares if your kid's got the same name as anyone else? But also by one, your kid will be responding to their name. They'll be hearing their name. Yeah, that is bad.

That's deep. Yeah, that is bad. That's deep. Yeah, that is. I didn't think of it like that. Oh, my God, the door. I bet you Rose's order to deliver Rose, should I say? Yeah. Hold on to that. She's still doing bad time.

Let's listen to him. Is he polite? Is he a tipper? Ricardo Right You're a bit I wouldn't say you're overly polite What do you mean? You opened the door and went

Oh I said hello Oh yeah you said hello Yeah Sounded like another little purge Do you get him to come into your house Or does he just leave at the doorstep? Oh, he's just asked if he can come in.

Oh. Does he know you're there? She's very good with members of the public. I don't like it. She is. She's very charming. OK, no, ha, ha. Well, you're like, Ro.

Like Scooby-Doo. You open the door, Ro. And Ro's like, no, it's OK, thank you. Cheers, thank you, bye. Ask Rose if she thinks you're too rude to people at the door. no. And Rosie's like, no, it's okay, thank you. Cheers, thank you, bye. Ask Rosie if she thinks you're too rude to people at the door. No, I'm not going to ask her that. I can literally just hear

your shopping being unloaded now. Is this good podcasting? I don't know. But you can't tell her. Tell her to shut up. Tell her to shut the fuck up, Josh. Go on. I'm joking.

Are you all right to unload it after the podcast is finished? Because Rob thinks it's too loud. You dare. Don't you dare. She just laughed at that. This is so unfair. There's no right of reply for me.

She just said, fuck's sake. Fuck's sake. Okay. Don't what? Yeah, she said, can she at least put the things in the fridge? Tell him no. It's not that hot. You'd prefer he not.

Was it some more dead fish you're eating? Some poor little crustaceans? Okay. Okay, I'm getting a bit confident. So did they settle on the name for this? Did we get to the end of this? Was that... Yeah, so they've gone for Sarah.

Nah. No, I'm joking. Okay, right, here we go. Right, right, here we go. Right. Okay, here we go. Hi, Rob and Josh. I was listening to your episode with David L and how he's worried that he will die

whilst his children are still young due to having his youngest at 43. My dad was 45 when he had my brother, 47, when he had me, and 49 when he had my sister. I could put money on the fact that he never imagined also becoming a grandparent he has six grandchildren between the ages of four and 23 i am now 43 and my

dad is 91 he got evacuated in the second world war he still works walks to the beach every day and he's probably fit to the most six-year-olds in my opinion having children older has kept him young anyway i just wanted to share this with you it might help some older dads and mums i genuinely agree with that my dad's 78 this is sorry sam living in scotland but originally from kent my dad's 78 and i had that worry because my dad was a bit older he's about 43 and i do think i mean obviously when he leaves my house after two days my kids getting's getting up at 5.30am, he looks absolutely fucked. And I've just finished him off. But when he arrives, he looks full of beans.

So I do think having a busy life does keep you young. Well, I am as young as I've ever been at the moment then, Rob. Are you? Do you feel good? Yeah, I feel great, mate. Absolutely. I'm going to my granddad's 100th in August. You've got a granddad who's 100?

Well, yeah, in a month's time I have. Oh, wow, that's amazing. Exciting, isn't it? What does he do? What do you mean?

He's retired. I know, but like, what does he do? He's been retired ages. He's only been retired as long as he worked.

Has he been retired as long as I've known him, really, actually, yeah. So what does he do? He's very active. He's active. He does gardening. He's very active Has he been retired As long as I've known him Really actually Yeah So what does he do He's very active He's active He does gardening

He's very active With his local church Now do you want to hear Something interesting though So he split up With my gran Right When my dad was 10

So what year was that About 1960 Yeah And then they got back together In the 90s When I was a kid And they remarried 30 years after Yeah Isn't that an incredible story When he was in the 90s when I was a kid. They remarried. 30 years after?

Yeah. Isn't that an incredible story? When he was in his 70s? Yeah, I suppose, yeah. 60s, 70s, yeah. His ears are 100 years old. I forget that about people's age. It's like...

Big, aren't they, 100-year-old ears? Big old boys, like a little fox. Because I forget that. When you say your age, if I had a car that was 100, you'd go, fuck it, that car's 100. But like that, your granddad's ears are 100. Yeah.

So we're doing, to launch the book. Right, yeah. Yeah. We're doing the South Bank Centre for the London Literature Festival. Rob, we are such stiff necks. Yeah, they asked me to put that on my Instagram. I don't think it's worth it. I don't think anyone would follow me.

Stick it on yours. I did a book event in Bromley. Everyone turned up expecting it to be stand-up. So I spoke about my book. No one had read it and no one had it. So I just, in the end, I just, I answered a few questions and just did loads of stand-up bits, but sat down. I reckon we'll be interviewed.

We'll get one of our classic guests to interview us right so uh we're doing it to launch the parenting hell book sunday the 30th of october sunday 30th of october london literature festival uh you get a book thrown in we'll be there i think the book's signed god knows don't promise that if it's not a busy sunday morning yeah check on the website check on the bloody website. But they are good, those events, because basically, because it's a comedy book and a funny book,

it's just us being really funny. Yeah, it'll be really good. The book's not got any sort of deep, dark secrets on, so you're not going to go in there for some sort of real melancholy look back on ourselves. It's us going to be fucking about.

We'll definitely do a Q&A as well if you want to ask any questions. And we'll get someone really fun to interview us. Let's go and try and get Louis Theroux to do it as the backward one, Rob. The backward one? You interviewed him about his book. Why don't we get him to interview

us about our book? Oh, that's a good idea. He's probably busy, and he'll ask. Do you think he wants to do another interview? I got asked to interview him about four days before the event. Someone pulled out. I don't know if you and Romesh were real, but I got the call up.

I did what my first question was. You know if I was there, Rob. Do you know what my first question was? You know if I was there. Do you know what my first question was to him? Did I tell you? We sat down and all his fans there, they went mental for him.

They absolutely loved him as they should. He's amazing. And I said, right, what do you want to talk about first? The rap or Jimmy Savile? He said, whatever you want. And we got a big laugh. And then we spoke about the book. Right.

Small business shout out. This is, it doesn't get much smaller than this. It's a small business. I've literally just scrolled through the Instagram messages. Hello. I was wondering if you were able to promote our book on your media. Please let us know. And it is Ellie the Elephant.

It's a book from Canadaada go to poutine routine ellie on instagram they've got 17 followers one post oh here we go let's get get their followers over a thousand we can do this i don't yeah so basically want your children to learn good habits in a fun way then poutine routine is for you we'll be able to pre-order soon. So if you go to Poutine Routine Ellie, it's a book about Ellie the Elephant, and it's from Ontario, Canada, and it's about a little elephant called Poutine, called Ellie, and it's about Poutine.

I mean, it doesn't get smaller than that. That is mental. Who's sent us that? Ellie the Elephant. That's all I've got. It's just come straight from Ellie the Elephant. Well, thank you very much. It's got one comment

on their post that said hi Ellie yeah so I mean yeah I don't know anything about the book it's not you can't buy it but you know

but you know why not why not okay good on you Ellie right Josh we're having next week off aren't we to catch up

there'll be some best of episodes and then we'll be back with loads of guests and also our chat episodes should be a couple of weeks off and then we'll be back with loads of guests and also our chat episodes um should be a couple of weeks off and then we'll be back in your ear luggles oh and your bloody 100 year old luggles enjoy it cheers bye