Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S04 EP7: New shoes vicar?

Episode Date: February 15, 2022

S04 EP7: New shoes vicar? More (mis) adventures in parenting and beyond from Rob and Josh...If you want to get the pre-sale link for tickets to the shows at the O2 and Manchester arena next year then make sure you sign up via this link;parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com (cut and paste it into your browser!) Tickets go on pre-sale to Parenting Hell mailing list members 10am Wednesday 16th Feb. Then on general sale on the 18th Feb but they will go fast so don't delay! (You will get the email and pre-sale link in your inbox between 9am - 9:40am on the 16th) Thanksx Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Introducing Tim's new Savory Pinwheels, the perfect flaky and flavourful snack for those on the go, like me, who's recording this while snacking. Ooh, delicious. Try the roasted red pepper and Swiss or caramelised onion and parmesan pinwheels only at Tim's, at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent,

which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Hey, kids, can you say Rob Beckett?

Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Oh, Dickleman. Oh, that was a... I mean... Josh Dickleham? Yeah, come on. Sounds like some sort of nickname from the papers when you're caught up in a Me Too movement.

Oh, Josh Dickleman. Do you want to hear it one more time just to get a real feel for it? Yeah, go on. Double Dick me. Yeah, right. Josh Widdicombe. Hors Dickamon. Hors Dickamon. Who's that?

Hors Dickamon, one of my favourite German footballers. Hello, guys. I'm Claire and I'm originally from Oz and now live in the Barbican in central London. That's what I was going to say, actually, but you didn't ask me. Oh, God, I'm sorry. I was going to say Australia and Brisbane, probably, and now at the Barbican.

They live in the Barbican. I'm not going to make this all London-centric and about the different areas of London, but fucking hell, that is a central bit of London to live in, isn't it? It's weird, isn't it? It's like a big sort of like mad metropolis, but it's a bit is a central bit of London to live in, isn't it? It's weird, isn't it? It's like a big, sort of like, mad metropolis, but it's a bit, I think it's very much, personally,

no offence, I couldn't think of somewhere worse to live, however... No offence! But, but, it is very cool and very London. I imagine if you're from Australia, it's like me wanting to live next to the Sydney Opera House. Yeah. They're really cool and quirky flats and it's brutalist architecture,

but it's very much, you've got to be into that vibe. Is there much brutalist architecture in Sydenham, Rob? No, there isn't in Sydenham. However, I was due to be brought up in a tiny council estate in Woolwich, which is very much similar to that. However, we didn't in the end because of my dad's work. Oh God, I don't know what's going on.

My dad did better at work than expected and he managed to move us to a nicer bit of south-east London. No offence, Woolwich. Wasn't he a cabbie? Let's not get bogged down in my dad's work arrangements at that time. OK. Let's not do that, OK? Anyway, but yeah, Barbican is very cool and

trendy now. Very cool. Very cool and trendy. And it's the kind of place that Claire lives with her partner and her daughter Freya Seven and son Kit too. Kit has provided the attached dodgy intro for you. Have you googled Barbican? Have you seen the flats in there? Well, I've driven through the Barbican. But there's a big bit in the middle with a little lake and stuff

and it looks like sort of like the Olympic Village. Oh, I see. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's amazing it's amazing bloody hell what is that in london yeah yeah yeah that's the barbican flats that looks like something in dubai so they've got one in thamesmead that's sort of a similar style like brutalist architecture and it was supposed to be like the future of metropolitan living however thamesmead is a bit rougher and it just turned into like loads of little you know them loads of little alleyways that the police could never catch anyone that was being naughty because it's so confusing.

It's not like normal streets. Rob, how much have you been talking to your children recently? Why? Because you just described criminals as being naughty. Well, they are. They're the naughtiest boys and girls. In many ways, jail is the ultimate naughty step, isn't it? Can you imagine the pom-pom jars in prison?

Empty, just full of sugar, boiled sugar water, just in case. She adds, I have been feeling a bit guilty ever since you guys were talking about the youngest you've tried taking kids to the football. We took our kids to Anfield with Freya. Well, she was four years old. Kit was one month old oh my god

that is far too young isn't it yeah our daughter wanted to leg it as soon as they reached the crescendo to never walk alone oh yeah

I find it a bit much as well but the baby happily slept through the entire game including the two goals scored by Liverpool who beat Wolves 2-0

they haven't been back since please don't parent shame us too harshly I've got a good story about a baby and a Liverpool footballer oh god Robert firmino went to go and watch frozen yeah me and romesh are doing a an episode of robin romesh about western musicals i don't know if i'm allowed to say but i have put it on your um i've seen pictures on your instagram oh fair enough

anyway um so we went and met samantha barks who does frozen and uh they told us the story samantha barks oh yeah it's just the way you said it Samantha Barks sorry Samantha Barks I don't know why I say it like that

Samantha Barks I think saying that she barks is almost like about a singer yeah she doesn't bark she sings so sweetly oh she's beautiful

she's beautiful at singing she's got a beautiful voice I'm in a really weird mood Josh I'm all over the place here yeah I like it is this what happens when you've got energy from exercise? What exercise did you do, Rob?

I did boxing pads combined with very little sleep because I had a horrendous day at work yesterday. I'll explain that later. Can I just ask who's holding the boxing pads? Lou? No, Luke, my mate who does boxing with me does the pads. Lou does it with him as well and then does boxing. A bit of fun. Oh, you know what? That's why

people enjoy the podcast that kind of humor that sort of 1970s implied that my wife's having sexual relations with her boxing trainer which actually is a bit outdated and probably sexist who are missus new shoes vicar new shoes vicar what's that that's when someone f? Is it? No, you've heard of new shoes vicar, isn't that a thing? No, I thought it was more tea vicar. New shoes vicar? What's more tea vicar then?

It's just like a phrase you say, isn't it? Are we 83? New shoes vicar? Isn't that a saying? Oh, you can imagine. You fart and that sound is covered up. You pretend that the vicar's got new shoes. Yeah, so the vicar's farted, basically.

Yeah, but it's definitely more tea vicar. Or for a shoes. Yeah, so the vicar's farted, basically. Yeah, but he's definitely more tea vicar. Or for a fart, yeah, so new shoes, I think, may be the noise. There's other ones. Pistas are pudding. You've heard of that one, haven't you? Someone's on Google. No, pistas are pudding is one, because it's got alcohol in. Anyway, Frozen, Samantha Borrocks,

Robert Firmino turned up to watch Frozen. He plays for Liverpool for anyone who doesn't know. Yeah, I'm trying to link that background to the Barbican crew. And he turned up with a three-week-old baby and a four-year-old. And did they let him in? No, he got turned away. He got turned away? Firmino?

He went in, I think, with the four-year-old and then his wife or partner. I don't know the marital status of Robert Firmino. Oh, they'll be married. They went to coffee somewhere with the baby. I follow him on Instagram. He didn't mention it. He's got really white teeth, hasn't he? And that's coming from me. Oh, they'll be married. They went to coffee somewhere with the baby. I follow him on Instagram. He didn't mention it. He's got really white teeth, hasn't he?

And that's coming from me. He's got incredibly white teeth. They are too white. I don't want to body shame Roberto Firmino, but... Is teeth your body? I don't know. I don't know.

He's got a lovely body. Look at those teeth. He's got an incredible body, but his teeth are comical. His body's awful, but his teeth are great, but that means his body's great. Josh, I'm all over the place here.

Yeah. So there's some things we should mention. Should we get out of the way? Today is the last day, the day this is out, is the last day you can sign up for the pre-sale email. Yes, so tickets to the Parenting Hell live shows, which are in Manchester and London next April. Where are they, Manchester and London, Rob?

I'll tell you where they are. The MEN Arena and the arena and the millennium dome yeah so if you sign up to our mailing list which is in the description you can get early like access tickets um however this is the last day for you to sign up to get that email because the email will come tomorrow everyone can have them on friday but you guys because you're listening now you can get them early i'm not saying it's going to sell out on the first day what i am saying is you don't want to be stuck in the fucking gods well it's true but also what i would say is without blowing our own trumpet too much that the hackney empire is going to sell out on the first day yeah but it's quite likely to we did those early ones to make sure that we could do a show and we can it's a really good show and it'll be even bigger for the arenas but um also

we needed to judge demand because we didn't want people upset they couldn't come. So I think it will pretty much sell out quite quickly. So yeah, start to my list, getting quick and then, yeah, I can't wait to do them,

Josh. They're going to be amazing. I don't want to hint too much about the show, but I don't even remember Get Your Cock Out, It's Christmas. I don't think that made the cut,

Get Your Cock Out, It's Christmas. Did it not make the cut? No, I don't think Get Your Cock Out, It's Christmas made the cut. I think Michael snipped that out. Oh no.

We did a whole bit about... He's not here today, Rob. No, he's not. We've got Emma producing this one. Oh, I'd love to ask you, because we're recording this the day before Valentine's Day. Let's just ask what your Valentine's plans are, Rob. Okay, I ordered loose and flowers on a delivery service about three months ago just to get a slot in, and I

haven't got a card or a... I don't want to hear about your private life, Rob. More shoes, Vicar. But me and Lou had a conversation this morning amongst the very busy, stressful day. I said, I can't make Valentine's,

what are we doing? She went, well, I haven't got you a card or a present and I went ditto. But I've got the surprise flowers coming. Oh, nice.

Rose sent me a link to a bag, Rob, for Valentine's Day. It's a bit presumptuous, isn't it? Well, it is, Rob, because I would say it was 60 times what I'm willing to spend. A £60 bag. It's unbelievable, the price of stuff these days. Because, guys, we've got no life, Rob.

We've got an at-home, you know those restaurant boxes you get? Oh, yeah, the sad fuck dinner. Josh, yesterday... Right, I got back last night. I did a gig in Cheltenham on Friday night, and then last night the gig was in Lowestoft. Oh, mate. Do you know how long it takes to drive from Cheltenham to Lowestoft?

I'd say five hours. Yes, it does. Four and a half to five hours. Oh, my God. What an incredible, pointless knowledge of the British geography that I have. Lowestoft. I'd say five hours. Yes, it does. Four and a half to five hours. Oh, my God. What an incredible, pointless knowledge of the British geography that I have. Didn't go on one motorway, 220 miles. Oh, mate.

Eight roads all the way. Get your confidence up, Rob. I think you're ready to drive on a motorway. And then there was a one. I even got up in Cheltenham, checked the trains, guessed how long it takes to get a train from Cheltenham to Lowestoft. Oh, God. I imagine you have to go into London and out, a train from Cheltenham to Lowestoft. Oh, God. I imagine you have to go into London and out, don't you? Yeah, it's 11 hours.

Oh, my God. 11 hours, seven changes. Rob, do you know what my tour itinerary is next week? Yeah. Edinburgh to Cardiff. The next day? What day are you doing Edinburgh? Sunday.

And then Monday's Cardiff. Yeah. So my tour manager's flying. Just like in terms of his loving life. He's not off his head on speed. No, no. He's flying. I don't know how he's getting there.

But I don't really like those short flights. They stress me out and I find it actually takes up the whole day. Why don't you just fly to Amsterdam, change and come back in if you want to be in the air longer. So I'm getting the train. That's a terrible, terrible decision. I'm telling you now. Seven hours.

Why would you do that? I don't like internal flights. Why do you like internal flights? I don't really like... Who doesn't like shorter flights? I don't really like those small planes. They freak me out. You don't like flying.

I don't like flying. Is there a direct flight from Edinburgh toburgh to cardiff yeah you are clinically insane no reason to make you coming in moaning you're tired again i'm not i'm looking forward to it probably i've got seven hours on my own on a train no i don't like that seven hours yeah that's not a good thing i'm finally gonna get to finish that fucking Beatles documentary. Yeah, but if you flew, you could have, like, that time in the hotel or in the dressing room on a sofa. Were you planning Cardiff?

Rob, I've spent too much time in dressing rooms. Last night, there was a moment last night. Yeah. Lovely gig in Eastbourne. Thanks to everyone who came in Eastbourne. That was a lovely experience. But, come on, give me the but. There was a moment in the break.

So Maisie, it was Maisie Adam who was supporting me the but. There was a moment in the break. So Maisie, it was Maisie Adam who was supporting me. Yeah. And she's from Brighton so obviously she went home after she'd been on, right? Because Eastbourne's

near Brighton. Okay, yeah. You love geography. There was a moment in the break. Did you fly there or did you get a train or hopscotch all the way?

I got a car. Chopper. Oh, I've got to tell you, I did tell you this, Rob. Last night, oh my God, I'm dropping, we're dying around today.

It's like fucking jazz. What's going on? There's no structure. There's no structure. Michael, come back. Go on, Josh. Oh, right. So I'll put a pin in my Maisie Adam anecdote.

No, no, I'll tell you about Eastbourne, because that's what I was telling you about. So she left. So in the break, there was a moment... Oh, and get this. Don't finish your fucking story! It's part of the story. It's part of the story. Oh, my God.

It's like Black Mirror. Rose had got a babysitter to go and watch Ed Gamble at Hackney Empire, because it was Matthew Crosby's birthday, had got a babysitter to go and watch Ed Gamble at Hackney Empire because it was Matthew Crosby's birthday and a few of them were going to watch Ed Gamble. Well, no offence, Ed. Terrible birthday. I know.

I wasn't totally gutted that I was in Eastbourne, Rob. But I'll tell you what was slightly galling. I've been on tour two years. She hasn't been to see it. Oh, my God. So she's seen Gamble before you. She's got a babysitter to see Gamble, about the second week of his tour,

hasn't seen my show, anyway. Lou sees me once every three years. What about performing? So I'm like, oh God, shoot me in the head. What happened in Eastbourne? So I was just sat in Eastbourne at 9pm, in the dressing room room on my own, reading a match report on The Guardian that I'd already read on the BBC.

OK. Having a cup of tea and I thought, it's 9pm on a Saturday night. What the fuck is going on in my life? That I'm sat sober, alone in Eastbourne, looking at my phone at 9pm on a Saturday night. Yeah, but you were doing a gig. You didn't just go there for that. No, I know, but there was just a moment of realisation where I was like, what am I doing? You're bringing joy to tens of people.

Those 37 people, packed into that 1,000-seater. Josh? Do you know what, Rob? Have I lost you? Is it too much? No, do you know what? It does bring back a bad memory because one of the reasons Eastbourne was nice, because it was sold out, was that Eastbourne on the last tour

was the lowest moment of my touring career. Oh, why? Because it was the least percentage I'd ever sold in a venue. Oh, really? It felt like revenge this time. Did you sell it out this time? Yeah. Oh, that's good.

And last time, it was 600 in a 1,600. Oh, so I was really scratching at a scab there. Yeah. And it was, do you know the worst thing? What? The venue were like, no, we're going to let people sit in the seats they bought. We're not going to make them all come down to the bottom. So they're going to be dotted around the whole thing. What? The venue were like, no, we're going to let people sit in the seats they bought. We're not going to make them

all come down to the bottom. So they're going to be dotted around the whole venue. Like it was social distancing before social distancing. But you've got to show them, you know, that that's how it works

when you're touring. When you're first starting places, you do well and then they come back. It's good. It's going that way rather than the other way. Oh, it felt like a positive,

but there was a point last night when I was reading the Man City match report. I didn't even care. I'd watched the game than the other way. Oh, it felt like a positive but there was a point last night when I was reading the Man City match report. I didn't even care. I'd watched the game in the same room. What venue are you doing in Cardiff?

St. David's Hall. That's got a bed in it, the dressing room. It has got a bed in it, Rob. When there's a bed in a dressing room, I just sort of think, what's happened in that bed?

What dirty pantomime fuckfest has happened in there on the final night of the run? Jack and his beanstalk just spraying magic beans everywhere. The socially distant sports bar. Ellis James and Mike Bubbins having some kind of shag fest. The front of the pantomime all shagging the back of the horse. Some sort of sick animal bang.

Do you know Sean Lott used to take a bed everywhere he went? Roll-up bed. A roll-up bed? On tour. It's not a bad shout, is it? It's a good idea, isn't it? It's a good idea. In Lowestoft, there wasn't many places to eat, Josh. No, there really isn't. I've had that before. God, I'm boring about touring.

Do you know what I had for lunch? What? Fish and chips. Do you know what I had for dinner? Oh, no. Fish and chips. Oh, Rob. Oh, God. There was nothing else. It's like you're on a fatty diet.

Well, no, to be fair, I had battered sausage and chip the first lot, then I just had chips the second lot. Oh, my God, the amount of potatoes. There's nothing else to eat, Josh. It was so cold up there and windy. I remember doing a gig there with Sean Walsh. Because I just try and go to a chain restaurant for safety. Yes, I know.

I normally hit up a Nando's and have that every time, and it's really boring, but you know what's happening. Yeah, we went to a Mexican. Oh, it's a dangerous zone. We're in Lowestoft. A Mexican. No offence, Lowestoft, but you know what's happening. Yeah, we went to a Mexican. Oh, it's a dangerous zone. In Lowestoft. A Mexican. No offence, Lowestoft.

A Mexican in Lowestoft. This was about 2013 as well. They literally acted like... Oh, yeah, it's full of Mexicans now. I couldn't move to Mexican. It was like, you know that Chinatown in cities? We had Mexicantown. No, the reason I'm saying it was 2013 is when we walked into the Mexican,

the owner acted like J-Lo had walked in. It was incredible. Oh, what, because you guys had done a bit of telly? Yeah. Oh, wow. It was probably the most I've ever felt like a superstar when I went to that Mexican in Lowestoft. And the least I've ever felt was last night backstage in Eastbourne.

Oh, mate, never mind. Never mind. We've made it, though. We've made it back to the podcast. We should probably talk about our kids because I have been looking after my kids as well as this tour. Have you? Yeah, not as much as Luaz, to mind. Never mind. We've made it, though. We've made it back to the podcast. We should probably talk about our kids, because I have been looking after my kids as well as this tour. Have you? Yeah, not as much as Lou has, to be fair.

No. I've got a bit of a bone to pick, though, with Air Thrill Catford. What the hell is Air Thrill Catford? Well, it's like some sort of, like, kids soft play, like, bouncy castle. Right, yeah, yeah. I don't really know properly, but Lou booked it, right. And anyway, so we're due to go with the kids. We get a phone call in two hours.

We told them, we go in there, frilled, they're all excited, we're showing them pictures on the internet. Two hours before we get there, like it's big, like inflatable slides and all that kind of stuff. Two hours before we go, we get a phone call. Oh, yeah, sorry, we're cancelling your session.

What? They'd overbooked. No. That's bollocks, isn't it? I can take it if I get, no, I can't take it if I get cancelled. I need to pay my mortgage. I can take it if something I'm doing. You never get cancelled. if I get cancelled. I need to pay my mortgage. I can take it if something I'm doing...

You never get cancelled. You just get a new cult audience. I've spoke to you about this. But I can take it if something I'm doing, the plans change. A child's plans are so set in stone in their head. My poor sister-in-law, she was already at the McDonald's next door with her daughter.

What? Waiting, because they drove up for 40 minutes. Oh, no. So what did you do? Lou took an air jump instead. Air jump? Air jump. I've got a problem with air jump as well. Look, I know we're trying to pick up places, but also I think we should tell when people are arseholes. So air thrill, you're in my bad books. Otherwise

we're not going to get all that good treatment that we get, Rob. If they know we can turn on them, they treat us doubly well, Rob. I don't want to be treated well. I just don't want you to fucking cancel the session. Not asking for much. I do want to be treated well. I just don't want you to fucking cancel the session. Not asking for much. I do want to be treated well, just if people are listening.

No one's been treated well when you're on a trampoline park with your kids. You're surviving the day before you get home and hopefully they sleep. Anyway, so, you know these trampoline parks, right?

I don't know if you go with them. I've not been to one, no. No, it's a bit more out of London where there's space industrial estates. Yeah, we just walk around the Barbican down there and check out the brutalist architecture.

And imagine if you were naughty where you'd run to. Anyway, so you know all these different trampoline parks? Basically, you have to buy a pair of their socks, which I totally get. What? Oh, like when you go bowling? Yeah, but basically you buy a pair, you get in, they give you a pair of socks that are like ankle socks

and underneath they've got like sticky stuff so you don't slip over because there's some slippy bits and a little bit of grip at the bottom because you can't wear your normal socks because they're too slippy. So it's for safety. I totally get that. And underneath is sort of like rubbery stuff so you don't slip over.

Okay. So we've got a big drawer full of all different trampoline socks, one for air jump, one for like whatever it's called, the other place we go to. Anyway, Lou grabs some socks. How often are you trampolining that you've got a fucking trampolining sock drawer? Well, every time you go, you forget to take them and you have to buy some it's like a neck pillow when you go on holiday yeah exactly anyway so lou turns up at air jump with the kids and she's got like jump park socks from another

place and then oh sorry you can't wear them oh come on they're not official air jump ones but they are fucking they're fucking trampoline socks they know they're trampoline socks but it's a fucking con job oh mate that is unacceptable it's bang out of order isn't it yeah that is oh i'd be livid i'd be absolutely fuming that's i don't think that's okay i get they've got all the insurance and stuff the socks don't come into the insurance surely no i totally get you can't wear normal socks but if you've got a pair of trampoline socks you can't go oh no actually that one's got a lizard on itoline socks you can't go oh no actually that one's got a lizard on it and our ones have a lion on even though they're exactly the same probably made in the same factory somewhere just with a different logo on yeah i'm sorry i'm still

obsessing over the fact you've got a draw of trampoline socks i've got a draw of trampoline socks you have so much space in zone five it's incredible i've got a draw for trampoline socks it's over you know i've got to get down here mate just think of I've got a drawer for trampoline socks in zone five. You know, I've got to get down here, mate. Just think of the space you'd have for trampoline socks. If we had trampoline socks, Rob, we'd have to throw them straight out

because we just haven't got the space. We'd have to buy them new every time. That's how tight it is in East London. Disposable living, that's what you do.

Yeah, exactly. I'm looking at my notes. I've not had a great week, to be honest, Josh. My nickname, I've realised from my thoughts, is hey, Big Belly. Big Belly?

Big Belly. Oh, mate. Big Belly Dad, which is not ideal, is it? honest, Josh. My nickname, I've realised from my thoughts, is, hey, big belly. Big belly? Big belly. Oh, mate. Big belly dad, which is not ideal, is it? Oh, God. You haven't got a big belly. Well, to them I have. They're tiny. My belly's much bigger than theirs. The dog was ill. 150 quid. Antibiotics. Keeps having liquid shit.

Oh, God. Have you got it insured, Rob? Lou's got it insured. You've got to insure your pets. I will bet you, though, Lou will not send that letter to the insurance to claim it back. I guarantee you that will sit in a drawer and never get sent. So it's good to pay twice. Of course, Rob. Do you know what?

I'm going to say it. Once she's paid the excess, this is how the insurance gets you. Every time you do something, it's like, yeah, but once you've paid the excess and then it'll affect your rate, is it worth claiming it? And you're like, well, what's the fucking point of the insurance then? And also, I do think the dog would have been fine. It didn't need antibiotics.

Literally, I was in bed at 7am. I heard a scream from downstairs. I thought we were being, like, burgled or attacked. And Lou went, Fred's not eating his breakfast. And I was like, do you know how less of a shit I give? I'm a little. I care about that dog. And, you know, she was stressed because the dog normally wolfs down the breakfast, absolutely mouths it, but didn't want it because he's got a dicky tummy.

But everyone gets a dicky tummy. Right, so this is something else I want to talk about. I did 10 shows in 12 days. I mentioned it last time, right? Yeah. And the last one was in Dartford. I'd sort of been doing quite well. They'd be going well.

I'd been enjoying them, but I was knackered. And after the last one in in dartford i've sort of been doing quite well they'd be going well i've been enjoying them but i was knackered and after the last one in dartford i walked off stage right felt fine with myself burst into tears right but like wasn't upset like like that for about seven seconds and then it went and i was normal again seven seconds away sorry what was that what was what's that what's that That's just emotion coming out, right? Just relief. Suppressed emotion that you... I got through it, maybe. Like, I was tired. Yeah, exactly.

That's not normal, is it? No. Do you know what's the weird bit? What? Is that it ended. Like, the burst into tears, I kind of buy that. Yeah. The fact that after seven seconds you're like,

that'll do. That's the weird bit. But I had no control. And it was all like... And then it just went and cleared out. But it felt like, that'll do. That's the weird bit. But I had no control. And it was all like, and then it just went and cleared out. But it felt like, I'll just get rid of that.

Because normally, if the pressure gets too much for me and I burst into tears, which has been known to happen. When did that last happen? I don't know. It happens about once every three or four months,

I'd say. I don't know why I'm laughing. It's just funny though. Crying is funny though, isn't it? Rose describes it as a trademark freak out a trademark

classic Widdicombe explosion yeah but it'll last a good few minutes right really yeah because that's

what happens with crying but to cry for 7 seconds is I'd say psychopathic behaviour and then just recover like Ted Bundy yeah just like

absolutely fine now don't worry about it. Yeah, that'll do. Because I have that before where you get upset, where like something will catch you unawares. You know them sort of really heartbreaking adverts for like charity fundraising about poverty or terminal illness and things. You're like, oh my God.

Yeah, oh God, yeah. And that can get me because I'm sad, but I didn't even feel sad. It was just like, I think it was a tough gig as well, that last one, because there was a lot of drunk people and stuff, heckling. Yeah. I think it's just been a release of like,

oh, I can turn the tap on. Yeah. When a gig's getting heckling and rough and drunk and people in Dartford will have known that was going on, it's like trying to land a plane with one engine. Your concentration's so intense. I know exactly what you mean. I've been there. Apart from that, it's been a great week.

Yeah. Do you know what? I'm looking at my schedule. I'm delighted that my tour ends in Dartford on May the 30th. That's something to look forward to. I'm finding out my diary's a lot calmer the next couple of weeks, but sometimes it just gets too much, isn't it? Sometimes it just gets too much. It just gets too much.

I've got a couple of things to ask you about modern things. I don't know if you want that, or do you want to run through your week first? Should I run through my week and then we'll end on modern things? Yeah, let's run through your week and then we'll do modern things. Well, do you know what happened, Rob? I got a vision of what I was like as an 11-year-old. Okay. So my dad's clearing out the shed.

Right. And I'm going to send you... It's a maths exercise book that I would have had when I'm 11. You can see because it's got the... You know the squared paper you used to get in maths books that you'd only get... Yeah, yeah. This is one of the pages I've just sent to you there. Right, so all I've seen so far is, one, you're very good at joined-up writing.

Well done. Yeah, that's actually better than my current hand writing. Right, so all I've seen so far is, one, you're very good at joined-up writing. Well done. Yeah, that's actually better than my current hand writing. OK, so it says Josh Whittacombe and there's a heart with an arrow going through. Yeah, badly drawn. And then a list of... A list of people I fancy. So this is a list of people you fancy done on maths paper. Yeah.

Nothing screams virgin more than this. Well, do you know what, Rob? I'm willing to admit at the age of 11 i was a virgin i'm quite happy to admit that oh i was fucking mate okay right well let's look at this so you were a virgin at 11 fair enough i think most people were i certainly was actually the start of my journey of being a virgin if i'm totally honest quite a long road to a sex man i was really digging my heels in i was really getting. It definitely weren't the last mile of my virginity, I'm telling you that.

Very much a long 10K to go. The final furlong of... Anyway, so this is the list. This is amazing. So you've got Josh Whittaker. It's signed by Josh Whittaker at the bottom. And you've got Danny Bear, number one. I think that's a great choice.

This is number nine. It's Cindy Crawford. Very much of the time. Yep. Who's Zoos? I don't know what Zoos is. Oh, I think I know what Zoos is. I've just...

Wait there. It just came to me then. I've been looking at that all week, wondering what that means. And it suddenly came to me. Did you have an Amiga, Rob? No, I didn't. You're a little bit older than me.

Yeah. So there was a game called Zool. Zool. Which is like the amigas version of mario like a kind of platform game yeah i'm just going to send you a picture here so you see that character on the right okay so it looks like an ant with armor on it's an ant you fancy a woman ant it's a cartoon female ant rob i'll be honest with you she's quite fit actually i'm not into it now but i can see why you might like it.

Yeah. It was a cartoon female ant, a bit Jessica Rabbit vibes. I'd say Jessica Rabbit is prettier. To say I wasn't cool, the third person I fancied was a cartoon ant from a sequel, Zool 2, to a game on the Amiga, not even the coolest game system at the time. What I'd say is, 11-year-old Josh Woodencombe,

I don't think you could handle Danny Bear and Cindy Crawford. Do you know what? I don't think Ryan Giggs was looking over his shoulder or Richard Gere was looking over his shoulder. I think Zool would be a better entry point for you. Is her name Zoos from Zool? Zoos. Zoos from Zoos.

Okay, so you jump into the animated world of female ants and now it's back to Claudia Schiffer. Yeah, very much a cliche there. But yeah, I think what you've done there is, you're too embarrassed to admit you fancy the computer ant of female ants. And now it's back to Claudia Schiffer. Yeah, very much a cliche there. But yeah, I think what you've done there is you're too embarrassed to admit you fancy the computer ant and you've just put round them traditional women you should fancy at that stage. It's like someone who doesn't know about football

trying to talk about football. Yeah, OK, you don't know about women. At this stage, I know about ants. At this stage, now? Oh, my God. Now! Come on. So Claudia Schiffer, then Becky Webster.

Is she in Coronation Street? No, that's Sally Webster. OK. Becky Webster was a girl at my school who I don't remember fancying. Oh, backtracking that. Mate, if you fancy Becky Webster, you fancy Becky Webster. No, I'm not saying that. Don't skiver shit now.

I don't know. I probably didn't even fancy her. No, I'm not saying it like that. What I mean is, I'm not denying that I fancied Becky Webster. Shall we try and get Becky Webster in contact now? No, I don't think so. Is she on Instagram? Do you follow her? No, I don't follow her on Instagram.

I follow purely sexy ants. Sexy? Oh, you're saying that Becky Webster's not sexy now? Is that what you're saying? No, I said ants. I'm going to try and track down Becky Webster, actually. Yeah, if you couldn't, that would be ideal. OK, I'll try my best not to. She must follow you on Instagram.

Only about three people went to your school. No, no, this was my secondary school. There was 1,000 people at my secondary school. Ooh. You're odd. Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you went to school in New York. Right. Follow us.

Let me try and find Becky Webster. No, you don't need to check now. Why not? Becky said, oh, that's it. They get married, though, don't they? You can never find the girls from school on Instagram. I mean, I've not really looked, so I don't know why I'd know that. Oh, God, this is impossible.

Who did you fancy at school? What was her name? I don't think I'm giving out ammo like that. I don't think there's anything wrong with fancying people at school. When I was growing up, I fancied Caprice. I fancied Jordan. I was very, very virgin at school. Yeah.

I felt like I supported a football team in the lower leagues and it started going, oh, where would you like to win the Champions League? What's the point in thinking about it? Yeah, yeah. It was so far removed of what could be achieved with the tools I had. Yeah. It was almost like pointless.

You were just enjoying life in the lower leagues. Yeah, exactly. It's like living in a flat and picking the swimming pool you would have. What's the point? Yeah, exactly. Fair enough, yeah. Anyway, let's get back to your list.

Becky Webster. If you want to get in touch, Bex. Yeah, who I don't remember fancying. But I'm not saying I didn't. We'll get her in contact and maybe get her on the podcast. Sharon Stone, obviously. Obviously. So many clichéd people that I didn't know anything about.

So Annalise from Neighbours. Yeah, good choice. Classic choice. On brand, Whittacom So, Annalise from Neighbours. Yeah, good choice. Classic choice. On Brand, Widdicombe. Annalise from Neighbours. Is this the laddiest episode we've ever done? No, I think we're doing quite well to survive this, actually. Just sort of Googling women and then I'm commenting on what they look like.

This is really weird. No, but I'm just looking at it from a point of view of an 11-year-old. And the final one, Josh, which I've got more questions than answers. Fruit and Nut Bar Woman. Yeah. What's this? It's another one. one along with the ant it's another computer woman i do i used to fancy the caramel bar bunny yeah miriam margulies pardon miriam margulies was the voice of the caramel bunny no way really yeah so i fancy miriam margulies you fancy miriam margulies rob we're all learning aren't we exactly there you go. You were Becky Webster, now me and Miriam Margulies. Yeah.

What's the fruit and nut bar woman? I've just sent you the advert. She's from an advert, Rob. She's from an... You love TV. I know. I just didn't have any friends, Rob. Josh, what else has been going on in your life?

Anything else you want to share? I was just going to play the fruit and nut song. Oh, go on. Everyone's a fruit and nut case She can run through the sun Wrapping razors Pumping fruity Boy, what a cutie Oh, she's fit. You get the gist. I tell you what, she's quite forward, isn't she?

Do you know what? she's quite forward, isn't she? Do you know what? She's quite sexually aggressive. I can just imagine you down in Darty, sat in front of the telly, legs crossed, just thinking, what is life? This is what I'm into. Shuffling up upstairs. Disgusting man.

Absolutely awful. Absolutely awful. Horrific imagery. Anything else you want to share, Josh, before I try and test you on modern things? I know. I mean, I've shown how bad I am with modern things, even in that list.

No, it's been all right parenting-wise. How are the kids? All right, the kids waking up on time, early, late? What's going on? He's so erratic. He's so erratic, the baby, Rob. Is that Craig Bellamy? Yeah, honestly, mate.

Genuinely, you don't know what you're getting. It's like Matt Letizia. So, yesterday... Maybe a non-90s footballer reference. He's like Trump, Donald Trump. Well, I don't think Donald Trump has any great moments. Well, I don't know. It's like Oasis.

Some of the albums are great, some of the... It's 90s again. What is wrong with me, Rob? What's happening now that's a bit of a mixed bag? It's like the Dartford Tunnel. So anyway, he woke up at 6.25 yesterday. That's good. 5.20 today.

Pick a side, mate. You don't know where you are, do you? No. And his bedtime's the same? Yeah, bedtime's exactly the same. He's doing all his naps. He's sleeping through as well, so I can't complain. I've got a friend who's on a WhatsApp group with me,

and his kids, this is how interrupted their sleep is. The other day on Friday, I was with him, and I said, how was your sleep last night? He said, it was quite a good one last night, actually. And I said, what happened? And he said, both of them woke up twice. Four wake-ups, Rob. He's a good friend.

Can I hang around with him? He'll make me feel better. It's insane. Four wake-ups, Rob. He's a good friend. Can I hang around with him? He'll make me feel better. It's insane. Four wake-ups is a good night. What's the bad night? The bad night was the night before had been five wake-ups, plus one of them was up from four. Oh, my God.

Even half five, you can't really moan if they're sleeping through the night because my kids still wake up like half five, six some days. Yeah, exactly. Poor Lou's taken a bit of a hit with that in recent weeks. Oh, and I know I said Lou's going away. She's only going away for three nights now. Oh, okay. Because you shamed her on the podcast.

No, basically it was just a bit too much going away for a full week. And so she's going away with a mate, I think, for a little mini break. So she's going to have some time to rest and recuperate, and I'll have the kids on my own for three nights, which will be fun, won't it? They'll be in school, though, but they'll be fine, I think. Once they're in school, just get them up and get them out, innit? Yeah, what are you going to do while they're in school, Rob?

I've got to write, I've got to do some writing, I've got work to do, but I've got the week off, so it's not too bad. Do you know what I've got some writing to do, Rob? Do you know when I'm going to do it? When? I've got seven hours between Edinburgh and Cardiff. So what's the change? You get into King's Cross and then you have to get down to Paddington?

No, no, it's all down the West Coast. There's me, looking out the window? You get into King's Cross and then you have to get down to Paddington. No, no. It's all down the West Coast. There's me looking out the window, tapping away. It's direct. No, I think I probably changed in Birmingham or somewhere like that, Manchester, something like that. Oh, great.

Tapping away, doing some work, looking out the window. I feel like Poirot. It's wonderful. Fair enough. Me and you have very different ideas of what's fun.

Right, Josh, I need to test you on some modern things here because you know you didn't know about if you were in town, where were you at? Remember that from last week? I don't know about anything modern we've established. Okay, this one's from Chris Marsden. What, the footballer, the Southampton footballer

from the 90s? Here we go, straight away. I've got no idea. It just says Chris Marsden on the thing. He's not given any more information, but he says, do you know the Island Boys? No, no idea what that is. The Island Boys.

Imagine if Jedward were in a gang in LA. What? It's that kind of vibe. They're on TikTok. They sing and they're like, they've got spiky air. The Island Boys. They're not like popular as in like they're a big band, but everyone knows of Island Boys.

And let me show you a picture of them. No, never heard of them. You must've seen the Island Boys. I've never heard of the Island Boys. I'll play you what they do. Let me send you this picture. They're the Island Boys. And let me show you a picture of them. No, never heard of them. You must have seen the Island Boys. I've never heard of the Island Boys. I'll play you what they do. Let me send you this picture. They're the Island Boys. Shall I play you what they do?

What the hell are they doing? What do you mean? What the hell do they look like? I don't want to sound old, Rob, but is that their actual hair? Yeah, I think it's... I don't know how they make it like that. I don't know if it's dreadlocks

that have been pointed up. Yeah. And sprayed loads. Are they holding money? This is it, look. I'm just trying to make it. of it's dreadlocks that have been pointed up yeah and sprayed loads are they holding money this is it look i'm just trying to make it and i'm an island boy it's the island boys like an island boy i'm gonna keep it like an island boy you don't know the island boys they just sort of sing that a bit no i don't hate it i don't hate it rob they're big on tiktok also francis the train guy do you

know him there's a point when i don't know if you're. They're big on TikTok. Also, Francis the train guy. Do you know him? There's a point when I don't know if you're taking the piss out of me. Are you making things up? You must know Francis the train guy. Right, you're making things up. He's on TikTok and Instagram and he wears a GoPro on his head and he's a train spotter. What? How do you not? You must know him. What's wrong with

Michael Portillo? Can we not just all be happy with Michael Portillo at this point? Josh, you must know Francis. He's just done a collaboration with Gucci and North Face, and he's appeared in, like, you know, the adverts for this stuff. He's mega. I'm aware of Gucci and North Face. I'll tell you what, I'm going to be going to get a live reaction

to a Francis the Train Guy video, and I want you to watch it. It's so much joy. And do you know about this stuff, Rob? Yes. The Island Boys and Francis the Train Guy. I'm fully aware of Francis the Train Guy. Yeah, he basically is really excited about trains. So is he a train spot or is he taking the piss? Well, people think he might be taking the piss, but he's not. Has he ever been to the National Railroad Museum in York? I imagine so. I mean, I've never asked him. I've never met him. He just loves trains and he chases them around. This one, look,

let me play it with the volume up so you can hear it. Francis Bourgeois. Yeah. Is he the poshest man in the world? People think he's a character, but I don't think he is. I think he just loves trains. Coming up now is a class 377 from Little Halpton to South Halpton Central. Oh, yeah, this is more my scene.

Yeah. Oh, I like this guy, Rob. Thank you. Oh, he waved at them. Yeah. It's knocked himaved at them? Yeah. It's knocked him off his chair? Yeah. What's he putting in his mouth?

Sweets, I think. Oh, I like him, Rob. He's my pace. He's a megastar, Josh. He's got 2.2 million followers. Everyone knows he is. How's he big on TikTok? Because it's joyous.

He's had 39 million likes. There's a picture of him on the steam train. Rob, if this is TikTok, count me in. Look, mate, he's met Thierry Henry. Why has he met Thierry Henry? Oh, yeah, he's on a train with him. Yeah. And so are people taking the piss out of him, or is he actually popular? You know, they find what

he's doing funny and exciting, but he's just enjoying trains, and it's funny to watch. Oh, God. Do you know what? No, I'm not going to go on TikTok, but this, if there was more content like this, people that like trains, maybe it'd funny to watch oh god do you know what no i'm not gonna go on tiktok but this if there was more content like this people that like trains maybe it'd appeal to me let me give you some tiktok advice you get on tiktok and you have to control your own algorithm i don't want to control my own algorithm you do you have to go against what your eyes are telling you okay so you're going tiktok and then loads of videos will pop up and you have to click on not interested on

the ones you don't like right and you have to put like on the ones you do like can I go on and say I just want the train spot guys you sort of can but you have to be in control of your own algorithm this guy this train spotter Rob yeah is he like completely different to everything on TikTok or is there a whole world of people like him a whole world of people like him really but they get a bad press from all the tiktok dancing which is normally by couples that is quite depressing or by you know like girls dancing but actually if you click not interested on that you get the good stuff right okay so do you follow this train spot bloke so i get lots of comedy stuff and silly fails and stuff i don't know if i'm ready for

this rob right i tell you what should we do small business shout-out and we'll do some emails and thingies on the Friday episode? Friday episode! Right, let's do small business. Small business shout-out. Hey, guys, loving the podcast. I've listened to them all twice. Good on you. As parents of two very active girls,

my wife and I can relate to everything. Hoping you'll give my amazing wife, Jess, a shout-out on your show. As I know know party crappy kids bags have come up numerous times on party bags for kids birthday parties oh yeah jess creates children's personalized sustainable party bags inspired by montessori and forest school learnings oh here we go could your neck be any stiffer yes please you're preaching to the choir here guys this is my scene So in these bags is a giant

sunflower seed, make your own potion, seed stick, twine, biodegradable pot, veggie sweet, a notebook and crayons and an easy website and social names too. It's Botany Club. B-O-T-A-N-Y club.co.uk. Appreciate it.

Loving father and husband. Well, I'm sure she'll be the judge of that jonathan um but that's jonathan bigging up his wife jess botany club.co.uk where they've got loads of personalized pipe bags look nice there we go hi guys thanks for creating my absolutely favorite podcast listening to you is a little escape from the reality of parenting a three and a one-year-old i'd be so grateful if you give my small business a shout out i launched borrow b-o-r-r-o a couple of months ago and we make it easy for busy parents to be sustainable by renting not buying their baby clothes good idea also saves you time and money you can rent clothes from your favorite organic brands and there's no minimum

number of items just choose what you need pay monthly and return for free when your baby's outgrown them we never charge for stains either. Honestly, the amount of clothes I get rid of. The website is www.borrow b-o-r-r-o it So it's borrow b-o-r-r-o hyphen it dot com. You can find us

on Insta, Facebook as borrow dot it. Thanks for being so funny and sexy. Open brackets and relatable too. Closed brackets. Yeah, come on. There we go. Thank you, guys.

You are all, you know, you're very supportive of those. People I know who we've read out, they'll go, it really does make a difference. So thank you for using them. One last call, Rob. Do sign up to the mailing list if you want to come and see us live at the Millennium Dome or the men arena yeah hopefully we'll see you at those gigs but if not we'll see you or you'll hear us on friday with another guest and uh yeah and we'll do some more emails and instagrams on friday because we've not done some today bye