Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S04 EP9: A Phantom Blanking

Episode Date: February 22, 2022

S04 EP9: A Phantom Blanking More (mis) adventures in parenting and beyond from Rob and Josh...And yes you heard it right, we are very excited to announce we are doing two HUGE live shows in early 2023 - Manchester Arena (Friday 14th April) and London 02 (Friday 21st April) and tickets are now on general sale but going fast!! Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellMAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Introducing Tim's new Savory Pinwheels, the perfect flaky and flavourful snack for those on the go, like me, who's recording this while snacking. Ooh, delicious. Try the roasted red pepper and Swiss or caramelised onion and parmesan pinwheels only at Tim's at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent,

which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett?

Rug Beckett. Rug? Can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Can you say Parenting Hell? Parenting Hell. Very good. I think so.

There you go. Lovely stuff. That was good, solid. I love the way they're adding new things. Yeah, they're riffing, aren't they? It feels like the audience are pushing for new format points themselves. Yeah, and we're not responding in any way. I'm happy.

I'm happy for them to do that. I like the original approach. The way I look at it, it's like do what you want with it. Exactly. The floor's open. As long as you introduce the podcast, we've had a song. We've had extra bits there from, that is Sarah from Derby.

Uh, no. Bristol. Okay, that's tough. I've made it harder for myself. I'm getting names now. It's tough, isn't it? Yeah. Hi, Rob and Josh,

or Rug and Josh, if you listen to the recording. My daughter Zoe is nearly four and has provided her interpretation of your names to enjoy. During rehearsals, we took this very seriously. There is a rock Beckett as well. Thanks for making

me laugh, myself silly and for comparing wandering over tired parents thought patterns to bad jazz. Josh, Josh, I don't want to pull you up but you didn't say any words there that made a sentence. That was bad, wasn't it? That was really bad broadcasting. I don't want to... That was really poor. We're not broadcasting

surely. This doesn't count as broadcasting. We're recording. I'm sat in a hotel in Lincoln in my pants I'm not broadcasting I was like, do I need to put my jeans on for this? I don't, I don't think I do No, do you know what? Pants are fine, but I do think When you say the words, if they could sound like a sentence

Okay, sorry Thanks for making me laugh myself, silly And for comparing wandering, overtired tired parents thought patterns to bad jazz yes guess where we live Rob no not East London but lovely Bristol love from Natalie

and Zoe Carter oh the Carters that's nice isn't it the Carters sorry I thought I was too mean to you there Josh no no no

it's fine I've had a bad night's sleep Rob I sleep so badly in hotels we know this you don't sleep well in hotels you took a pillow with you in a little briefcase yep

I got interviewed on Claudia Winkleman's show on Saturday. Oh, yeah. I've got a new Radio 2 show on Sundays, 5 till 7. So thanks to everyone that listened. Please listen on next Sunday as well. But I was on Radio 2 to sort of plug it. That'd be funny, wouldn't it? He did really well in week one,

but he didn't ask anyone to listen in week two, so no one listened. Yeah. If you could please come back. Anyway, Claudia Winkleman said, oh, you're away, because I was in the Isle of Man at the weekend. Oh, you're away.

Do you take anything with you? Because I know your little buddy, which seemed a bit patronising. Yeah, it sounds like your penis. Yeah, my little buddy. I know your little buddy gets a little workout, but... Josh, I know he takes a special pillow in a briefcase. Yeah.

Not in a briefcase. Not in a brief... No, no, no. She said a briefcase. I think... I briefcase not in a brief she said a briefcase that i think i know you have this sort of nerdy stiff neck sort of unfair thing going on but i don't think you put it in a briefcase do you so no if i've got room in my suitcase rob yeah go in my suitcase yeah but obviously i don't want to cram it into the suitcase because then it's just going to squash the pillow and the whole point of having the thick pillow is gone. So if not, it comes in a kind of plastic bag with a handle.

Yeah, so sort of like a carrier. Yeah, like a carrier, but not a briefcase. No, not like I'm a kind of handing over documents to a Russian spy. Not that kind of situation. No, yeah. Okay, I just wanted to clear that up because she did broadcast that to quite a lot of people. Well, I had mentioned it on her show a few weeks previous. Yes, but the briefcase thing I think is unfair.

Yeah, I think that is unfair, but there we go. How's Lincoln? What are you doing in Lincoln? Have you been gigging? No, I just thought, I just fancied it. Very flat Lincoln, isn't it? I love, do you know what? I've never properly been to Lincoln before. Why would I have been?

And it is a lovely town. I've gigged here, but I've just turned up at night. Yeah. There's a very steep hill. Have you seen that? I haven't seen the steep hill. Is it steep or does it look steep because it's so flat everywhere else in Lincoln? It's called the steep hill.

Oh, God. Lincoln's steep hill. It's very nice. It's very pleasant. Oh, it's steep. It's like San Francisco if everything else changed. It is. It is like San Francisco.

It's lovely. If everything else changed apart from the incline, it's exactly like San Francisco if everything else changed. It is like San Francisco. It's lovely. If everything else changed apart from the incline, it's exactly like San Francisco. If San Francisco had a Pizza Express at the bottom of one of those hills, then it is exactly like San Francisco. There we go. Look. Steep Hill in Lincoln wins Best Place Award.

Best Place. That is not an award, is it? That's too broad. That's 2011 by the Academy of Urbanism. Oh, wow. What is that? Urbanism. What's that like?

Grind music and stuff? That's what I thought. That's where Romesh went to get cool after being a maths teacher. Now he's got a hip hop show. Yeah, I've got my doctorate at the Academy of Urbanism. Now I can wear backwards caps and joggers to work. Anyway, yeah, Steep Hill. That's nice, actually, Steep Hill.

So, yeah, I've been on tour for a couple of days. I've had some hotel problems, Rob. Okay, what are the hotel problems? Because obviously a lot of people think when you sleep in a hotel, this is your chance to have a lie-in and stuff. Yeah. But stupidly on Saturday in Crewe, I got drunk.

Oh, Josh. Yeah, and I'm not really drinking at the moment, but I just thought, why not? Why not treat yourself? You're in Crewe, it's Saturday night. Was it at the Crewe Hall Hotel? It not why not treat yourself you're in crew it's saturday night was it at the crew hall hotel it was at crew hall big spooky ghost hotel yeah either very nice hotel but their policy on alcohol did my head in a bit what's their policy got to the hotel at 10 30 p.m rob yeah and they'd stopped serving in the bar that's bad come on now what

about room service drinks they said you could have one round of room service drinks. Oh, leave it out. So we had to do that thing. You're in crew. You've got to get through it somehow. I'm in the middle of nowhere in crew. The bloody dibble aren't going to turn up and check your licensing laws. It's 11pm on a Saturday night.

Loosen up. Come on. So me and Maisie, who's supporting me, and my tour manager Nick. She's doing 20 minutes before you. She's not an emotional support. Well, actually, the money's for both jobs. Okay. More important is the after gig care.

You could do an hour and a half on your own, but it's more the hotel alone that you need someone there with you. Yeah, exactly. I don't want to order some room service of alcohol on my own. That's just too bleak. One round, can I have a glass of wine? Just for me. We had just basically, we had a couple of drinks after the gig in the dressing room.

So we were like, let's have a few drinks. But we then had to make the decision how many more drinks we wanted that night straight away. So what did you order? Between us, we ordered six Staropramans for three of us and a bottle of wine. I think you've done well there. Yeah. It's a bit of a sex hotel, that hotel. Well, it didn't play out that way, so I'm right.

No, maybe not for you. But there's a lot of couples going there, because they've got a little spa. But I don't know if I've told you this story. I was there with my tour manager a couple of years ago. One thing led to another. And he went, the hotel just takes you over sometimes, Rob, doesn't it?

And then the next morning, we went swimming to the swimming pool and then went to the steam room and the spa. And he went to me. Oh, mate, it was so weird last night. Tom Elliott, this was. Big shout out to Tom Elliott. And he went to me. It was so weird.

He went, what? He went, I'll show you my life. About 1 a.m., there was a knock at the door. And I opened the door. And there was this beautiful blonde girl in lingerie stood at the door. And I was like, what? What are you talking about? He went, honestly, mate, I was so confused.

I thought I was having some sort of cheese dream and she was like absolutely stunning and I was like oh my god is this like one of those things you

like those fantasies you hear about she was just stood in the hallway in lingerie knocking at the door knocked at the door in full lingerie like everything covered

but in sort of sexy lingerie knocked at the door and just said sort of hello and he was like what and then she ran off okay he was like oh my god what's going on he goes back in his room gets another knock at the door he's like, sort of, hello. And he was like, what? And then she ran off. OK. He was like, oh, my God, what's going on?

He goes back in his room, gets another knock at the door. He's like, here we go. But does he say anything to her? No, no. He's just sort of in shock. He's in his pants at the door. He just closes his door. No, she runs off down the corridor into another room.

Oh, right, OK. She doesn't just, OK, so. No, she's not disappearing. It's not some sort of sex ghost. So she's run off down the corridor into another room, right? And you know what it's like in that hotel. It's an old building. Has she knocked?

Yeah, so she knocked and she stood at the door, basically naked apart from this little lingerie stuff, and runs off. And because it's like an old building, you can disappear quick. It's not like a big, long, premiering corridor. Yeah. Anyway, so he's like, what is going on?

Goes back to bed. Five minutes out, knock at the door. He's like, I'm on here. This is amazing. He's a young, single guy. And there's a hot girl knocking on his door. Opens the door. Six foot three, massive geezer.

What? Massive rugby geezer, right? In lingerie? In his pants. In his pants? In his pants. And he's like, what? And then the bloke laughs and runs off.

What? No. And I'm sat in the steam room with him going, this is meant to. He goes, honestly. She was this beautiful girl, probably about five foot five, blonde hair, blue eyes. He was this really big guy. He had a big tattoo on his chest and a shaved head. And I was like, this is, I think you're making this up.

This is mental. And he's like, no. And then nothing else. The rest of the night, I just went back to bed. I didn't know what was going on. Anyway, we're laughing about it. Next thing happens, we're in the steam room. They walk in.

No. On my life. Blonde girl, about five foot five, massive geezer with a shaved head tattoo on his chest. And we just start pissing ourselves. They go bright red and leave. Well, that's a steam room for you, Rob. They were just really hot. They just don't like the heat.

They've been up late running around. So what's happened? I think it must be some sort of kinky True For Dare game. Oh, what? Go and knock on the person's door? Yeah. Knock on someone's door and then run off like some sort of sex-based knock down ginger yeah oh wow that's well it wasn't like that i just

had six star apartments between three people just to be clear and then i fell asleep yeah no nothing like that happened they might have done it to me i don't know you just stood outside the door knocking no one answered in your pants just waiting um but yeah that's my crew hall story that is incredible isn't it? But are you there now then or are you in another hotel? I'm in a different hotel. Yeah. Got my own issues with this hotel as well, Rob.

Okay, what's your issues with this? I mean, this is very difficult. We've got a lot of parents listening with kids all around. I mean, you're just lazing about in a hotel. What's the problem? I'm not lazing about, Rob. I'm working hard. To be fair, it is 9am,

so you're not getting much of a lie in to do this podcast. So we're recording an interview after this, Rob. Yeah. I'm not going to name the hotel. I'm not going to name and shame. Yeah. We're recording an interview after this. They won't let me stay in my room beyond 11.

So no late... So I've had to rent a meeting room in the hotel to do the fucking next interview that we're recording. So they won't give you a little bit longer, like an extra... Can't you pay for a late checkout? No, I've got to pay for this meeting room. So there's no... No, they won't give you a little bit longer, like an extra... Can't you pay for a late checkout? No, I've got to pay for this meeting room. So there's no... No, they don't do late checkout.

How busy are they on a Monday in Lincoln? What hotel is it? Name and shame. I'm not going to... Actively don't know the name of the hotel as well. Okay, fair enough.

That is tight. 11am out. Sling your hook. That is bad. I'd name and shame if I was you. I've already told everyone that Crewe Hall's a sex place. Your story is,

if anything is going to boost Crewe Hall's... Randy Perverts. I'm now regretting that we didn't stay for the already told everyone that Crewe Hall's a sex place. Your story is, if anything, it's going to boost Crewe Hall's... Randy Perverts. I'm now regretting that we didn't stay for the full three nights at Crewe Hall. Oh, that's annoying. Oh, I'm sorry about that, Josh.

Are you in the meeting room now? No. I'm going to have to go in between. Yeah. Oh, Josh. Nightmare. What a life. I'll have to put my trousers on

for the next bit. That is brutal, Josh. Gets me out of parenting, though. What's been going on since last week? Because obviously you've not been away all week. Do you know what, Rob?

Go on. Now, I'm going to have to talk this in kind of code. Because people at the nursery do listen to this, Rob. Right, okay, yeah. There's a set of parents I'm not a fan of. Yes, please. Yeah. Give it to me.

Keep talking. Keep talking. This is the good stuff. This is my Sambuca. I can't tell you why I'm not a fan of them. Oh. But if you're listening, it's not you. Okay, well done.

Yeah. What are you going to say? So I was in quite a bad mood on Monday anyway. And I saw them and I thought, I don't like these people. And then I couldn't believe I did it. I was like, I'm going to blank them. I'm going to blank them. Blank someone.

That's what I'm going to do. Sorted them up. They deserve a blanking. Ready, sorted. They deserve it. They got a blanking. You blanked them. Well, no.

But then they turned up and they started talking to someone else. I was thinking, they haven't clocked. I've blanked them here. Oh. Have they blanked you? No, but they've got caught in a conversation with someone else. And I'm thinking, they need to try and talk to me because I'm blanking away. And they've got no idea that I'm blanking them here.

But it's like if a tree falls in the wood, does it make a noise? If no one saw the blank, how have they been blanked? Exactly. These guys don't know I'm blanking them. This is unbelievable. Because also, I know what you're like.

You're not a blanking person kind of guy. I'm not a blanking person. You must really not be a fan. They're not good people, Rob. They're not good people. You would have revved yourself up for this blanking all morning

and you're there blanking full pill and not getting the feedback. You must be frustrated. No. I was thinking can i say this because the person might know i'm talking about them but they don't know i'm talking about them because they didn't realize i blanked them rob i've blanked them without them realizing it so now nobody knows that you've blanked them because i was going to say well they'll know

who it is that you're not a fan of yeah no now this is going to start some sort of cludo situation at the school gates where everyone that listens to this from your nursery is trying to work out who you try to blank. Yeah, well, the thing is, Rob, I like everyone. So I accept the people I blanked. I think if you're listening to this and... This is great. How many kids go to this school?

80 or something. 80? Bloody hell. Is that a lot? Yeah, I'd say for a preschool, 80 kids. Four classes. Oh, four. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, because the nursery that my kids go to are a bit smaller than that.

It's just one class. So I thought you're really sticking your neck out in line here. Big class sizes in East London, Rob. 80 kids in a class. 80 kids in a class. You know, you know. One teacher having a fucking nightmare. Nine teaching assistants.

Take a kid each, please. Oh, that's exciting. So what are you going to do Try and blank them next time Or just leave it now Well I don't know Now I've said this Rob I don't know I'll have to talk to them

To cover it up But just let you know That you did blank them Whether they saw it or not You've been blanking Yeah I made my point I think we all know I made my point

I gave them a good old blanking Yeah you basically Didn't talk to someone And they were oblivious to it And that point has been made Exactly They are reeling I bet they've had A terrible week Wondering what that was all about the good old blanking. Yeah, you basically didn't talk to someone and they were oblivious to it and that point has been made. Exactly. They are reeling.

I bet they've had a terrible week wondering what that was all about. I bet you came home all huffy and puffy to see Rose and go, I tried to blank her but then they didn't even see me.

Do you know what? I didn't tell her, Rob. This will be the first she hears about it. Okay. Little does she know she's the parent that I'm trying to blank.

So that was an exciting bit of parenting. Yeah. Oh, yeah. A couple of big parenting moments. Yeah. The baby. He's crawling. He's crawling.

How's that going, knick-knack wise? Well, I made Rose get a new table for one of the lights because I thought one of them was too perilous. Yeah. You've got a lot of glass sort of stuff, haven't you? Like glass tables. I've just realised how much stuff we've got on the floor, Rob. And I don't mean knick-knacks.

I just mean, do you remember before having kids? When you wouldn't just have things on your kitchen floor just sitting there? Like a bowl in the middle of the kitchen floor? Why have you got that? Because my daughter will have eaten something. She'll have eaten toast on the kitchen floor. Some wipes sat in the middle of the kitchen floor. Do you know what?

You've got a very tidy house. It's very cool and pretty. I can't believe that you've managed to keep it almost like a childless house this long. You've done well to just not fully be taken over. If you walked to my house, you may think it was a nursery. Well, do you know what, Rob? There's different areas where the children have taken over our lives.

Yeah. So your house is physically your children's. Yes. But you still own the television. Yes. Yeah. Whereas my house is physically mine, but I have no rights over the television. This week, my daughter's friend, she basically said to her parents that my daughter had told

her that I try and watch football and then she makes me watch Bluey. And that's true. She knows she's playing me, Rob. Yeah, so she knows. That's premeditated. Yeah, she knows what she's doing, Rob. She knows I want to watch the football and she has the power to stop me watching the football. But how?

Okay, let's play this out. Okay, you've got the football on. I go, Dad, can I watch Bluey? Yes. Yeah, so that's your first problem. Yeah, so that's your first problem. I think I've got a quick fix for this. How did that go for you, Rob? I mean, it wasn't a shock, let me say that. I've known you a long time.

I just say, no, Daddy's watching the football now. It's Daddy's turn. Yeah, I don't know whether the horse has bolted on this, Rob. It's year four. Get her a telly for a room. Oh, maybe I'll get her a telly for a room. Or a little one in the kitchen or an iPad and put blue in the iPad when you're watching football. Save it for football.

Yeah. Come on, you've got to live, mate. Did you see the Tottenham Man City game? Did I see the Tottenham Man City game? I had a bit of a nightmare with that because I was in the dressing room in Crewe and the internet was quite slow. Oh, no. So, you know when you texted me this Tottenham and City game is brilliant.

Yeah. I thought there's a goal. There's just been a goal. Because I was a minute behind. Oh, sorry. I ruined it for you. No, no. Do you know why?

It makes it quite exciting. Because you're like... Oh, does it? Yeah, because you're like, there's a goal coming up. As long as the team I want to score have still got the ball, then this is a positive.

Who do you want to win? Tottenham? Tottenham, yeah. Yeah, it makes the title race more exciting, doesn still got the ball, then this is a positive. Who did you want to win? Tottenham? Tottenham, yeah. Yeah, it makes the title race more exciting, doesn't it? Even though I'd rather them lose. Oh, I want Liverpool to win the league. But I watched Match of the Day 2 last night, Rob,

before I failed to go to sleep until 2am in a hotel room. Oh yeah, but also, you can watch that because your daughter's in bed. You can't come downstairs, bleary-eyed at 11, going, Dad, I want to watch Bluey now, in this sort of campaign of hate

towards you enjoying yourself. I think that's what it is it's a campaign of hate against you and join yourself children it's like being lobbied being lobbied by a chinese 5g firm do you know what though rob and i'll finish because i wrote down my notes of what i've done this week yeah mainly it's being hotels yeah but like it is weird you think crawling's gonna be this big thing i'll have loads to say on crawling yeah i've got more to say on the blanking or the tv thing do you know what i mean these big things that you expect to be your big talking points no it's the little things that's the thing like you think that's a big and it is like especially when it's your first like oh my god they're crawling but actually it's just like oh they're just moving a bit now but it's the little things that blindside like your daughter actively even gossiping to her

friends about whenever my dad wants to watch football i say i want to watch blue that is she's like ultimately just is what is driving that because it's not like you don't see her and give her lots of attention it's a power game it's all power like i say you wake up in the morning and you decide are you their prison bitch or not and josh you're the prison bitch at the moment and you need to stick up if he was in prison i'll tell you tell that big boy that you're gonna watch the football and he's not gonna make you watch bluey yeah well that would be a weird prison scenario that isn't it i know i think that's more scary isn't it if he was with some massive geezer in a prison cell and he just watched Bluey all day, I'd be petrified. Yeah, that is intimidating.

That is. You just keep thinking, I hope he's like the big guy in the Green Mile, good at heart. He was just trying to help them. Oh, God. But crawling, it's tiring though, crawling. That's the thing, they don't stop because you can't just plop them down.

Yeah, but do you know what? It's tiring in a way, but I've been waiting for this because he's been frustrated. We've gone through the period where he just wants to be held. It's the beginning of the end of the baby time. Yeah, and it is tiring that you have to keep realigning him into areas that he's not going to kill himself. But on the other side... That is good. That's quite a tiring thing.

That is quite a tiring thing, that, isn't it? That is quite a tiring thing. But on the other side, I'm no longer just carrying him around the kitchen. What becomes normal when... Yeah, no, it's fine, actually. But, you know, obviously, whenever he's awake, I have to be behind him

making sure he doesn't kill himself, yeah. But apart from that, it's great. The constant fear of him crawling down the stairs and falling down them or pulling something on his head. But apart from that, it's absolutely fine. He doesn't understand the word stop or no, but apart from that, it's fine. Yeah, exactly.

Oh, God. Wait till they're older and they can talk, mate, then they just kick off. What about me is all I hear at the moment. When I say one thing to the other one, what about me? Oh, God. Oh, that's a nice drawing.

What about me? Oh, your hair looks nice. What about me? Oh, mate. It's carnage. And imagine how it is for Lou. I'm there as well. What about me? Oh, that's a nice drawing. What about me? Oh, your hair looks nice. What about me? Oh, mate. It's carnage. And imagine how it is for Lou. I'm there as well. What about me, Lou?

What about me? So I'm at the sort of arguing stage, which is like, physically, it's not as tiring now. Nowhere near. Obviously, sometimes you get a bit of broken sleep,

but not comparable at all, the actual tiredness. But it's the emotional, just like the bickering. It's just carnage. The what about me it's brutal is it yeah and also i had a stressful morning they're all shouting what about me i thought i was terribly ill this morning josh did you because i went to the toilet and oh no i forgot that yesterday i had a pint of this beetroot smoothie juice thing why did you do that rob i'm trying to was trying to be healthy. And all that happens is it does nothing, apart from in the morning,

it's an absolute war zone down there. Yeah, of course. Oh, God. And then you spend 15 minutes thinking, okay, I'm dying. Who do I tell first? And then you remember you've had loads of beetroot. So I just think any physical benefits of having beetroot,

unless you write it down and remind yourself that you've had beetroot, it isn't worth the emotional toil of thinking why is it so red all morning poor bloke I know but I'm a bit

did you make your own beetroot smoothie why has this happened no I panicked I had a nightmare I'll talk about the kids in a second

but like I had to do the Isle of Man. We've got the same agent who books these tours. He is really pulling out some places in this run for both of us, isn't it? Cheltenham to Lowestoft, Isle of Man. Isle of Man as well. When I booked the gig before COVID, there was loads of flights. Jesus Christ, watching those planes on the day before you're flying.

Yeah! Fucking hell, mate. I flew the day after storm at Eunice. And basically, because of winter schedule, there's only one flight to Isle of Man on a Saturday, 8am. Oh, sod that. So I got up at 5am, got to the airport, flew there, and then I was in a hotel room all day, did the gig.

And then the only flight back to London is at 8pm on the Sunday. What? So I had to fly at 9am to Manchester, get a cab from Manchester Airport to Wimslow Train Station, then I had to get a train to central London because I was doing my radio show. But because, by the way, it all worked, I arrived to my radio show at 1pm,

four hours before it started. Oh, my God. The keynote on his first day. Hello, guys. Here I am. Elaine Page, what's happening? Johnny Walker. Yeah, I'm here for all the shifts.

Don't worry about me. Doing 12-hour stints. Just want to see how you all do it. Hello, Paul Gambaccini. Gambo, Gary Davies. I'm just sat there worrying about it for four hours. It's like the worst thing you can do. Imagine that first ever job,

just sitting in the reception for four hours, but you had nowhere else to go. They let you in, didn't they, Rob? Oh, they let me in. I went in the street with all the autographed people. like david brent when he goes back to the office i got them before the producers anyway back now with the kids and lou's going away because i've been away quite a lot and i've gone away so lou's going away for like two nights three full days so i dropped the kids off where

she's going to holla man no no she going? Is she going to Isle of Man? No, she's not. She's going to a little spa weekend with her mate. Oh, lovely. But this is how busy it is. Before 9am, we started recording this at nine. I got up with the kids. We got them ready, breakfast, clean the teeth, whatever.

Got them ready for school. Did the school drop off and then had to go and get petrol for the car so she could drive up because we're a very modern household but Lou does refuse to put petrol in the car. Fundamentally, we'll not do it. That's what it is you know there's no pink or blue jobs oh that's quite a good email in what are the weird jobs that seem to have just been applied to one partner there's that sort of pink and blue jobs i don't want to be stereotyped no yeah so it's not them but it's like it's just that coincidence that lou is female and she doesn't

want to put petrol in her car you know some, some women love it. Some women love petrol. Yeah. I've always said that. Exactly. That's why you wear it as your aftershave, isn't it? Yeah.

They love petrol. So yeah, she just fundamentally refuses to do it and basically she'll just start using the other car until that runs out

of electric because I've got electric. Oh yeah. But anyway, I had to go and do that which was fine and then did all that. I had to move

the charity shop clothes out of that car to put in another car. Anyway, so I've done all this here at nine o'clock. And I've got to get the kids at three. Is Lou gone? Lou's going now. And so what are you going to do from when we finish this at half eleven? Well, I've got lots of work to do.

And I've got to get that done. And I've got to walk the dog, get all my work done, and get them at three. But there's not a lot of time between nine and three. It does go quick. Three is very early, isn't it? Because obviously I'm picking up. I'm doing the old pick up and blank at about five. Yeah.

Three, it basically means at half two, you're going to have to kind of think about going, right? And half twos is basically lunchtime. At half two on Tuesday, they do a Radio 2 presenter Zoom. What? All the presenters on Radio 2 have a Zoom and a catch up. No. On my life, yeah. So you have to attend that every week? I think it's once a month. Once a month. two presenter zoom what all the presenters on radio two gather zoom and a catch-up no on my

life yeah so you have to attend that every week i think it's once a month once i've got to log in i'm gonna say hello and then i've got to go off and do the school run surely there's other people doing the school run cox he must be doing the school run rob i don't i don't know oh she's actually on air at that point probably isn't she i'll report back absolute nightmare for the person who's on air steve wright trying to zoom in while he's on air come on guys one second i'm just gonna go and play justin timberlake's finishing can we hurry this up steve wright sat on a zoom reading out every single one of someone's tour dates till what's really funny though lou has been rinsing me about this lisa tarbuck rang me because um she's so lovely isn't she i've met once on Hypothetical your show and she's on radio

too and she rung me saying hey Rob how's it going congratulations on the show blah blah blah and was like giving me some nice tips and being really

kind and supportive and stuff I was like oh thanks Lisa chatting chatting like that but I don't know it that well and she was being really nice and then I was like

oh thanks so much see you later bye and I went bye I love you you said I love you yeah to Lisa Tarbuck to Lisa Tarbuck

I mean I love Lisa Tarbuck but no I don but I wouldn't say I love you to Lisa Tarber. No, no, no, of course. I'm in love with you. No, no, no, of course. It wasn't like love, actually. It was just an awkward, like, I love you, bye. You know, like you say to a mate, I love you, bye. But I don't know her well enough for that.

And then Lou just went, who the fuck was that? Oh, my God. Because it sounded like a bit of a work call at the start. And I was like, it was Lisa Tarber. She went, you told Lisa Tarbuck you love her. That's incredible. You didn't phone back up to clarify, did you? You just left it?

No, that would have been really bad. Yeah, I just left it. Yeah, she's probably told Jimmy Tarbuck about that by now. He's having a laugh at your panic. Oh, don't. No, don't make it worse for me, Josh. Are you the youngest presenter on Radio 2 now, Rob? Yeah, I think I'm younger than Ryland, aren't I?

Yeah, you're younger than Ryland. He's quite ageless, isn't he, Ryland? He reckons he's 33. I think that's fucking bullshit. Come on, Ryland! Fuck off, mate! Fuck off, Ryland! Bullshit 33. He definitely

lied going on X Factor. There's no way he's 33. He lied going on X Factor to make it into a different one of those groups. And now he's stuck with it for the rest of his life. Russell Kane did that, didn't he? He lied about his age at the start of his career. He was supposed to be about 28 when he won. He clarified that eventually, didn't he? Yeah.

I tell you what, Rob. I'm on tour. So Maisie Adam, who I'm sure a lot of people are aware of, she is young Rob she doesn't remember the death of Princess Diana really yeah that's a weird starting point isn't it working out how young well that wasn't that wasn't the beginning of the conversation it's a historical event to her what like the Battle of Hastings yeah the Battle of Hastings to you which I know you're really into the Battle of Hastings 1066 mate oh god I just like Hastings to be honest um oh josh i've got something i want to talk to you about i've

got a couple of things here one yeah hit me which i think could be a really good topic longest grudge for like maybe not a person but for a place so we moved into our house about six years ago and it really made me laugh i walked past there's a local chip shop and it does like chinese as well and once years ago i went in there and the person was really rude to me yeah and i went joe well i'll leave it and i just walked out yeah and it's changed management about four times but i still walk past that and i just sort of give it like a fuck you you know like that in your head and i look at it and go fuck you yeah i remember and i was like that's actually insane like the person there might have been having a bad day and they've literally not managed it for four years but i'm still holding that grudge if anyone's got the longest grudge yeah whether it's you or a family member or a shop or a place

or somewhere they won't go back to that's a good one rob you know someone worked for like you know a tv channel once and then will never watch it ever again even if it's a favorite show on it is that you rob no way no i'm watching that no no but one of my dad's friend got like made redundant from bt about 28 years ago and refuses to watch football on BT's phone. No! Yeah. Just like, fuck them. Oh, and also, Josh, I've got some more things that I don't know if you know about.

Oh, yeah, go. Hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me. Uncut Gems. What? Julia Fox in an interview when she says, Uncut Gems. Oh, oh, oh. Do you know this one? I did see that.

Have you seen it? I saw that. I saw that on Instagram. Yes. I didn't know who she was. So she's an actress that went out with Kanye West. Right. And in the interview they say, were you Kanye West's muse?

And she's like, oh, I know. I just said Franz Miers and Uncut Gems. Yes. I did know that. Well done, Josh. You're getting better. I saw that on Instagram the other day. If anyone doesn't know what we're talking about, it's really weird the way she says it, isn't it?

It is really good, that. What is a muse? I mean, I was Josh Safdie's muse when he wrote Uncut Jazz. Right. Do you know what I mean? Uncut Jazz. Things like that. Oh, that's a good one then.

You know that one? Yep. Oh, God, you're on fire. As I said, Rob, I'm on tour with a young person at the moment. I'm absolutely down with it. Wow. I think what we should call this feature is i know something you don't yes do you know that on tiktok no because that is a tiktok thing as well all right i just thought it was a good name for a feature no but look this is song so we can use this i think i know something you don't

i know something you will never know there we go we'll use that yeah That can be the start of the feature for a jingle. I mean, I don't know what that is, Rob. That's the thing. That's become a thing. That's a sound people use on TikTok for something. So it'll be like an empty box of chocolates and their boyfriend's coming home to have some chocolates and they'll play that in the background

as they open the chocolates and it's gone, for example. Can I ask you a question, Rob? Yeah, go on. Am I 400 years old? No, I just think I'm really cool and young and sexy, so it's gone, for example. Can I ask you a question, Rob? Yeah, go on. Am I 400 years old? No, I just think I'm really cool and young and sexy, so it's quite difficult for you to... I feel so disconnected from the world. It's like being stood next to Channing Tatum and thinking,

am I ugly? No, you're not. You're just not as good looking as him. How was Graham Norton? Oh, yeah, it was good. No one accused me of being a paedophile. Oh, yeah? What a win. Which was weird, actually, because I was one. So that was a get-out-of-jail-free card for old Bobby B.

That was good. Andrew Garfield's an absolute legend. Nice. It was nice. Dawn French, Natalie Imbruglia, Johannes from Strictly. No, it was really good, actually. It was nice. Natalie Imbruglia, Rob.

Yeah, she looks younger than she did. I know. I follow her on Instagram, which I think is probably weird. Yeah, because I don't think you're there for the music, are you, Josh? I think Torn is an excellent song. It is. Yeah, but she's not sung it for 25 years. And guys, if you like Torn, there's a Natalie

and Brulia acoustic session on the BBC Radio 2 piano rooms. Oh, here we go. Someone's been sitting for four hours searching the Radio 2 website to kill time before he starts work. Just researching to make everyone happy. Oh, Josh, this is what we're doing as well. We're doing a pocket money.

The kids want pocket money. We've started pocket money. Oh, that is big. So far, we've got a playroom. We've got their bedrooms. So they're getting pocket money to tidy their playrooms and bedrooms once a week. Great.

So on a Sunday before the week starts on a Monday. Yeah. I want to get an idea of how much they should be being paid for each room. I don't want to overpay or underpay. Yeah. And also a list of other jobs that you could potentially get a four-year-old

and a six-year-old to do. It's basically just free labour, really, because I'm definitely going to be underpaying them. I'm not going to be giving them minimum wage. Can I say, if any people have got ideas for what you can get your kids to do and what's acceptable and the price list, please send it in and we can work it out.

My gran used to give me pocket money and I used to get 10p for each year. So if I was seven, I was getting 70p. And then when I was eight, I used to get 10p for each year. So if I was seven, I was getting 70p. And then when I was eight, I went up to 80p. What, a week? A week, plus all the coppers. So are you doing a job or is that just?

No, I was just getting that free. So that's the thing. Are they on a base salary, like two quid a week, that then you add to? Yeah. But then if they do have pocket money, do you still just buy them a toy a weekend? If you go, let's go to the toy shop, or do they have to use their money? Yeah, that's the problem. Because my daughter's got a money box, got given a money box for Christmas. Yeah.

And so she'll just find money and she'll put it in the money box. She's fucking cleaning up, Rob. See, this is the issue. But she doesn't realise that a pound coin is actually way above what she should have because she doesn't understand the denominations at the moment. And she likes the big ones, like the two Ps, but she doesn't get it. Yeah, exactly.

So basically what Lou's found is these debit card things where they can have a debit card. They've got to be over six or something. And then all their money, you can save for their birthday. You can tell people to transfer it to that account. Or if they give it to you in cash, you just have that for takeaways and petrol. And then you can transfer it into their card.

And then you can have a current account and a savings account so say they've got 40 quid from their birthday yeah you can say if they're going out with the nan and granddad or a friend you can go right you've got 10 pounds on your card to spend on whatever you want while you're out with your friend you know and their parents in the gift shop of a museum but the 30 pounds still in your savings so you've got 10 pounds to spend and then they can literally tap it like a car oh wow rob what, Rob. What a world we live in. Lou saw Martin Lewis said it was a good way. We should get Martin Lewis on to talk about finances for kids and stuff,

what you should be doing. Oh, that'd be good. I'd like to talk about my own finances as well. Please help me out. Let's get Martin Lewis on. That'd be good. I don't know if he's got kids. Has he got kids?

I don't know. The thing is, he's got so much power, Martin Lewis. If he just told me, what you need to do, guys, is just give me all your money and I'll sort it out, I'd go, okay, Martin. He's not going to have children because they're not cost effective. No, I think he's got one child.

So we should get Martin Lewis on. I love Martin Lewis. Yeah. If anyone's got a contact for him, do get in touch with him. Anyway, sorry. Anyone's got a list of what we can pay him, pocket money wise? Oh, yeah, we should say. And also, isn't it hilarious that the live show went on sale

when the O2 was being ripped to shit? The first day our O2 tickets go on sale, and the literal main news story on The Guardian is a picture of the O2 being torn to shreds. Yeah, and also, Phil Foden's mum got assaulted at the Manchester Arena. We're a curse. Yeah, what is wrong? The two venues we're doing. You do not want us to book a show in your local venue

because something awful will happen there but just to clarify as well it is a year and two months not two months time yes um right do we serve um instagram messages josh yeah you go for instagram messages here we go uh parenting fail hi rob and josh love the podcast i'm fairly sure anyone i live near thinks i'm crazy laughing whilst walking the dog. I had to write in with my parenting fowl. When my eldest son was three, my husband was on tour with the army. I've not heard of them. They're good.

They do the Isle of Man? Yeah, as long as they don't do an encore. I don't mind the army. They're about to do Ukraine, aren't they? We'll have to laugh about that. I think you are. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine.

It's topical humour. Rob, I think that's satire. are. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. It's topical humour. Rob, I think that's satire. Oh, God, I think we've lost our edges. On Mock the Week, we'd have been fucking firing them out. Bing, bing, bing. But now, here we go. When my eldest son was three, my husband was on tour with the army, so he would get into bed with me in the morning.

Oh, the son, not the husband. I was going to say, that's weird, isn't it? Nip home for a cuddle. I was heavily pregnant with our second child and tired. For a few mornings, his breath smelled funny, but I couldn't place it. On the fourth morning, I got up and went to the toilet to see finger marks in the toilet duck disc in the toilet.

Oh, my God. He had been eating it. Oh, God. Oh, God. Fucking hell. I told his story at a first aid course I was on. Horrified, the instructor said, God, what did the hospital do?

Oh, no. Then I had to admit, it didn't even occur to me to ring the doctor, let alone go to A&E. Oh, my God. Obviously, it didn't do him any harm. He is now 12, of a size 12 foot. Vicky, that might be the harm.

Does she mean just one of them, or...? Toilet duck, fucking feet like a duck. Does he mean size 12 feet? Yeah, and he's got loads of feathers and a fucking beak on him. Yeah, I would suggest, if that that happens take your kid to the doctor i mean that is bad that is bad that i don't want to judge but i have that's bad vicky oh my word do another one yeah go on here we go um hi robin josh so i don't need to say that do i i think i think it adds an air of familiarity fair enough um so glad i discovered your podcast whilst working from home there's not much that makes me laugh

during my working day, so I really do look forward to my time with you both. You were talking about night terrors today. My eldest, who is now 20, used to have horrific night terrors and has no memory of them at all, if that helps. However, you think night terrors are scary for a parent. How about when you go into your then three-year-old's bedroom to check on them

and they sit bolt upright in the dark and start having a conversation with someone sat next to them when there is no one else in the room. Oh, God. But you and them and they are totally oblivious to you. Oh, God. And they're just sat there having a chat. Creepy shit.

Oh, God. Take care, Michelle from Ull, mum to a 17 and 20-year-old. We had a period where my daughter was like claiming that there was a woman in the bathroom and it's fucking terrifying oh that's horrible i still get scared when i see the dressing gown on the back of a door do you get scared and think it's a person oh i hate the dressing gown this hotel room last night was this is one of the reasons i didn't sleep rob the hotel room was just creaking all night all the different things were creaking really yeah is it an old one?

If this hotel has been done up since 1984, then I will be very surprised. Get out. It's 11. Get out. Fuck off. Get out. Right.

Do you want another one? Yep. Boomer parenting, always my favourite topic. Always the best, aren't they? Hi, guys. I'm not a parent, but I absolutely love the podcast. I was born in 1989, so not sure if it counts as boomer parenting, but it was still absolutely mental.

And I think that counts as boomer parenting, doesn't it? 89? Yeah. One Christmas when I was either four or five, I came downstairs to an enormous, elaborately wrapped up box with my name on. Naturally, I ripped into it and found out there were boxes within boxes. Anyway, I got to the last box, which when I opened it, found out there were boxes within boxes anyway i got to the last box which when i opened it found a note inside which simply said oh my god if you want

nice presents be better behave next year fuck off that is unbelievable at 32 i'm still not over it my parents still stand by it annie annie you can't leave the story there they gave you no presents at all that is incredible two questions annie did you get any other presents second one what did you do that year because that's we don't know what annie did fuck anyway annie let us know what happened and if there was any other presents at all that year for you boomer parenting i'm 24 my mum wouldn't let me have a mobile phone at the age of 11 to walk to school while all my friends had flip motorolas.

Yep. Instead, she made me take a walkie-talkie to school. And while all my friends called their parents to say they arrived safely, I had to radio in home over the crackly airwaves. Jesus, school's hard enough. Imagine being in a walkie-talkie wanker. Oh, my God. Walkie-talkie wanker. Oh, my God. A walkie-talkie wanker's in.

Jesus Christ. That is incredible. Brutal. Absolutely incredible. What was the feature called? The one which you're naming after... I know something you don't. I know something you will never know.

We should get people to send things in for you as well, Rob, after you didn't know who Monty Dawn was. Yes. Things for me, send in your newty don was yes things for me send in your new people things and things for rob old stiff neck stuff yeah stiff neck stuff i mean yeah there's a lot i'm learning a lot on radio too you learn loads of stuff loads of bands i've not heard of yeah adele stuff like that lionel roche weird one um we had one the other day didn't we we, when I said I went to see David Byrne?

Yeah, who's David Byrne? He was the lead singer in Talking Heads, Rob. Yeah, I don't know. I couldn't tell you a Talking Heads song. You could. You could. You'd know quite a lot of Talking Heads songs, Rob. What's their big one?

They've got a lot of big ones. So they've got Once in a Lifetime, Burning Down the House. Burning Down the House, that one. Road to Nowhere, yeah. I'm on the road. Oh Down the House, that one. Road to Nowhere, yeah. I'm on the road. Oh, I know them, yeah. The problem is, all these blokes from the 80s all look the same. I met Duran Duran and I was half cut because I had a couple of drinks on Jonathan Roth.

They all just look like, they look like every person that's ever sung a song in the 80s. Oh, they're fucking incredible. Simon Le Bon's a right legend. Also, Duran Duran, I didn't realise how many bangers they had until they played a little bit of a mix-up. I had an argument with my friend recently because I said, Duran Duran are the best

singles band since the Beatles and he thought I was an idiot. Who does he think it is? He said, Oasis or something, probably. I don't know. Something shit.

I like Oasis, actually, but I just want to win an argument. I've got a good Simon Le Bon story. Go on, what's your Simon Le Bon story? Alex Brooker met

Simon Le Bon at a party in the queue's your Simon Le Bon story? Alex Brooker met Simon Le Bon at a party in the queue for the toilet. He lights the night out, old Le Bon. And he starts talking to Simon Le Bon and he knows he recognises him from somewhere but he can't remember. Yeah. And then he thinks oh, I know who it is. He does the make-up on Celebrity Juice.

No. So Alex just starts talking to him about celebrity juice and saying, are you looking forward to the next series of celebrity juice then? And Simon Le Bon's like, yeah, yeah. And Alex is like, yeah, it's going to be, you know, I bet it's for, you know, and just keeps talking to him about celebrity juice

because he thinks that's all we've got in common. Did Simon Le Bon let him know? No. And then his wife's all we've got in common. Did Simon Le Bon let him know? No, and then his wife's like, so what were you talking to Simon Le Bon about? And he's like, what? He's such a nice bloke. He's really lovely. He's right to laugh.

So Simon Le Bon thinks Alex Brooker's just the world's biggest celebrity juice fan, and that's all he wants to talk about. I just love celebrity juice. It's great when he just waggles that dildo in women's faces. Just panics them. Right, should we do some shout outs yeah okay hi chaps my wife recently put me onto your podcast so i'm a bit late to the party but my god it's hilarious currently starting from episode one and working my way through bloody hell fair play mate you're having to catch up a hundred there and they're increasing it to a week,

so you're having to do it... Anyway, not my point. Right, got me looking like a crazy... Fair play. I'm struggling to get through succession. Got me looking like a crazy person cracking up when I walk my dog. Can I request a small business shout-out, please?

My wife and her friend have started an amazing florist business since both losing their jobs when Topshop went bust during lockdown. At floral underscore findings on Instagram, they focus on locally sourced

British flowers and use sustainable materials for packaging. Flower bouquets are delivered every Friday to Bexley, Dartford, Seven Oaks and surrounding areas. Your neck are the woods, Rob.

It is. That is very close, isn't it? I've got another one for that area. Keep up the good work, boys. Hoping to make it to a live show soon. Liam from Dartford. Okay, Liam from Dartford. This one's Longfield, this one. That's down the road from Dartford.

Up north, if you're listening, get some shout-outs. Our South East London small business shout-out section is quite weird, isn't it? It is, but we can only give shout-outs. South London and South Wales is where we excel. No, for some reason. It's because South East London, there's fucking hustle, isn't it? That's what it is.

Yeah, it's pure side hustle. That's why. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, Beckett's got a shout-out on his thing. Get your email in. Come on. So, yeah, if you are further afield, do email in and we will give a shout-out. This is the Dartford special, this one.

My niece Lily has started an online business making candles and chocolates. Great Mother's Day presents if anyone is interested. And it's called Lux Berries, L-U-X-B-E-R-R-Y-S. And they're on Instagram at L-U-X dot berries, B-E-R-R-Y-S. And, yeah, so they look really pretty, actually. Lovely candle and some chocolate-dipped strawberries, if heart's on. Collectional delivery at a small cost based in Longfield.

So good luck, Lily, but you might have to expand the delivery. It's a very niche demographic. You have to live in Longfield, and you need a chocolate-dipped strawberry or in a candle. Tell tell you what that candle would come in and all the power cuts from the storms but yeah hopefully she might go further afield but um yeah lux berries and if you are listening and you live further away than dartford please send in your small business shout outs because we will do them we'll make sure we do an up north special next week we'll do an up north special next week yeah okay we'll definitely forget to do that, but do send them in.

But this one, I've just had a look at the list. There's Essex, there's so many from Essex and South London. Thank you very much for listening. Thank you, it's been an absolute pleasure. Yeah,

I've really enjoyed this, Josh. Good luck in Lincoln, and I'll see you on Friday. Yes, well, I'm in Doncaster tonight, Rob,

I was in Lincoln last night. Doncaster, Donne, Donne. The old crew Lincoln-Doncaster trio. Wow. It sounds like some sort of new train route to level up. Now, we should say, you know, buy

those tickets to the live shows because the O2 needs to rebuild. Yeah. They need the money now. They nearly sold out those London ones. Our agents got very excited on the day they went on sale, didn't they, Rob? Basically, if it's going alright, they speak to you. If it's not going well, you hear nothing.

And they said hello. When they text you and say, do you want to know the sales? You think, this has got to be good news. Yeah, none. Get on with it. Anyway, thank you so much. And we'll see you on Friday. See you on Friday.

Bye.