Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP10: Brian Conley

Episode Date: August 19, 2022

Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is an icon and legend of British comedy and entertainment, the brilliant actor, comedian, singer and television presenter - Brian Conley. You can see Brian in the Panto 'Cinderella' at Woking's New Victoria Theatre from the 2nd - 31st December 2022. Please rate and review. Thanks, Rob + Josh. BIG NEWS.... we're writing a book!  ⭐ All the stories we can’t tell on the podcast – in depth. ⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents) ⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them...   [e-mail] What's it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)? And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick? Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike. Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here:  https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBook We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Introducing Tim's new Savory Pinwheels. The perfect flaky and flavourful snack for those on the go. Like me, who's recording this while snacking. Ooh, delicious. Try the roasted red pepper and Swiss or caramelised onion and parmesan pinwheels only at Tim's. At participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time.

And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC cashback mastercard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will, and... Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card, and he's done it! Oh, clicky-click magic trick! The clicker around the room. You guys just about finished.

Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight worthy with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Georgia, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And Josh Widdicombe.

Josh Widdicombe. Josh Widdicombe. Well done. That sounds a bit Bromley, that does. Not far off. Romford. Romford. Where's that?

Essex, where Steve Davis is from, isn't it? Yeah, it's the same sort of accent. It's basically the same people that left East London went to Romford and the people that left Southeast London went down to Bromley Way. People in Romford will argue it's still London. People in Bromley will argue it's still London. It sort of is, but it sort of isn't. Who cares? This is my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter, Georgia.

George! George! Put that down! George! George! That's what people in Romford will call Georgia when she's been a bit naughty. Oh, that's good. I'm getting an image now. They listened four to five months ago, gone back and listened to every episode. Fucking right and all.

Yes. I have recently started commuting into work again to try and save your podcast to keep me entertained on the days I'm travelling in. Keep up the good work and thank you for bringing some laughs into my week. Ashley from Romford. How are you, Rob? Big up, Romford. Big up the Romford Massive.

Big John. Johnny Fisher. The Romford Bullive. Big John. Johnny Fisher. The Romford Bull Army. There's a boxer from... There's a boxer from Romford. No, there's a boxer from Romford who's doing really well. A prospect.

And his dad, Big John, is famous on TikTok. You should do a collab with him. Oh, I'm not going to do a collab with him. He goes, Bosh. That's his one. What's a collab? Bosh.

Basically, you team up with someone else. You both do TikTok together? Yeah. And then he says Bosch at the end of everything you could say Josh at the end of it Josh yeah that

see this is you'd love it Josh once you get into it you can share your ideas you and Big John a Bosch well I'm still working on my ideas

I'll give them to you on Tuesday he nicked the Bosch from Tom Skinner from The Apprentice anyway so getting a bit Essex heavy how are you

alright I'm excited because you've got a new feature idea for the show. Yeah, I think it's really good, this. Okay, so basically, I think what's good about this show is we're really honest and talk about stuff. And especially with mental health stuff, people go, you've got to talk, just talk.

But sometimes talk is quite awkward, isn't it? Because you don't know where to start. So I thought this is a good way to sort of have that message of being open and talking, but in a fucking interesting way rather than some really annoying, you know, people are just a just a bit worthy aren't they and it just gets a bit boring where it actually needs to be entertaining even if it is for a good cause so here's this right okay this is when this is when in your life has there ever been a moment where you think do you know what if a therapist walked through the door now it'd be perfect timing

okay so hear me out but not a really bleak moment everyone gets really down if someone if your parents passed away you feel down that's grief that's not you having a bit of a moment that's just your body experiencing a feeling and emotion that you have to process blah blah blah so it's just like strange behavior for example once i was trying to drive to my brother's house in coulston and i got lost in croydon in the one-way system and i was a bit late but they were were indoors. It didn't really matter. You know, it wasn't like someone was waiting at a platform or something. And I got so angry, I started crying and punching my steering wheel. And I'd argue the problem there isn't Croydon.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah? Do you know what the problem was? Did you ever get to the bottom of that main issue? No, I'm still working that out. But the first step is accepting there is an issue, Judge. And so at that moment if a therapist got in the car with me and went you're okay mate that would be the perfect timing so

like you know when you say this happened this happened at one time was it recently no no no this was years ago when i was only like 17 but it was the first time i think i as a sort of semi-grown-up i really realized that were certain emotions that I wasn't dealing with properly. This isn't about Croydon. This isn't. Same way you know when the guy in the outdoor gym started having a go at you and you went this isn't about the gym is it? Yeah. But you know when you had the panic attack in that train station

was it Kings Cross? Kings Cross yeah. And what was that to remind the listeners? Was it on the toilet floor or something? Yeah toilet floor. First class lounge just to be clear, because I'd just done Live at the Apollo. I had to get to the Leeds to do a tour show. Yeah. And so the

production company, because Live at the Apollo had come in late, they'd got me the tickets up so that I could enjoy the toilet floor at King's Cross. It's cleaner though, to be fair, the first class lounge toilet. Do you know what? I really recommend it if you're going to

have a panic attack on any floor that is the one and yet there is an argument that wasn't about live at the Apollo yes or your gig that night

and if the therapist had walked in and went you alright mate then that would have been the perfect time I've locked the door in mate this is unacceptable

I can talk to you through the door also how much money are you making as a therapist this is the first class lounge mate they earn a lot so basically because i think the thing is when you are recognizing odd behavior it's sort of the first step in getting a handle on it yeah so if we can make this a fun feature

of people talk about it in a carefree funny story way rather than a big horrible secret about because some people would would have had that have happened to you or happened to me in croydon and would never share it but there's no benefit not to share it because there's no shame or embarrassment that's just how the world can get on top of you at times so I think it's a fun little feature so if there's things that have happened where you think it's not about Croydon it's not about the train it's not about loving Apollo I haven't had many panic attacks in my life but I could tell you a funnier place I've had a panic attack. Well, maybe not funnier. Well, it depends. On a Peloton. On a Peloton? During the Peloton?

During a Peloton class. But your heart rate must have been through the roof. I was honestly, mate. You burned so many calories. Little tip. If you're feeling really stressed, yeah, a Peloton isn't a way to burn off the stress, it turns out. If anything, it's a way to double down on the stress.

Yeah. If your heart's working too hard and you're getting hot. I was like, oh, I can just pound this out of me. I'll just get on the Peloton and I'll just kind of work this adrenaline out of my body.

But what I did was doubled down on the adrenaline. Also, it really affects your stats if you suddenly stop pedalling for a few minutes because you're having a panic attack. Yeah, I think that's the least you worry, isn't it, at that stage?

And then you get more stressed about that. It's a vicious circle. It's a problem with cycling, isn't it? It's just a loop. Especially when you're still in your garage at the end of the garden facing your house and all your responsibilities, pedalling to nowhere. Yeah, so I think that's quite a good feature.

So it doesn't have to be with parenting, but it can be. If I was to give anyone any advice on that as well, just on the panic attack thing, the car map I've been using recently is fucking incredible. Oh, really? I was stressed coming back from the last leg last night because my main reason for stress was because we now film it in Hammersmith

and it takes so long to get home. And I was just like, I can't believe it's 12 and I'm not even out of West London. But then I did 10 minutes on the car map and I basically fell asleep in the car. It was incredible. So I'd really recommend, if you are feeling stressed, downloading that app.

Well, that's a good idea. So we do this. You tell your story of when you sort of had a strange reaction to something or strange behaviour where if a therapist... We need a name for this, Josh. We'll work on the name. Where if a a therapist turned up it would have been very helpful and then let us know what it is you do to calm yourself down now that you've sort of learned from

that experience so i i listen to a thing on spotify sometimes even if i wake up in the middle of the night a bit anxious because i get more anxious now in during the night than in the day because i've got coping strategies in the day that i can't use at night because i'm out of it obviously um so i listen to this it's called just trust the universe and it's a little hour-long speech by a guy called alan watts and it's on spotify if you look for alan watts and it's called just trust the universe it's like an hour long so i sort of listen to that and he's quite calm the way you talk on Your end of year rap on Spotify must be bizarre. Arctic Monkeys, Professor Alan Watt and then

Kasabian. Exactly. So yeah, if you've got any of those stories of times where you've reacted oddly in a situation and it wasn't about the situation it was deeper stuff. You don't have to tell us the deeper stuff obviously but just the location that you found yourself a bit overwhelmed and what you do now to help with that.

And I think it's a better way to talk and get things out as opposed to just making it some sort of stressful intervention sit down. So that's my new idea for a feature, Josh. It's good. And we should warn people, we will try and make comedy out of it. So if you're very sensitive about it, go and send it in. We're going to try and take a humorous angle on this. Yeah, and if you can't handle that, fuck off, essentially.

But in a calm way. In a calm way. Fuck off and have a meditate. Oh, just fucking chill out, mate. Fucking put your feet up. Stop worrying. Kid L. Josh, before we introduce Brian Connolly, our guest this week,

have you heard that we are stopping Eurovision from happening? Yeah, I did. Do you know what? I heard this in a last leg meeting. So have you seen the news about this Eurovision thing? No one had told me. Who told you? Someone tweeted me about it. Basically, they've got no, because Ukraine won Eurovision, but they can't have Eurovision there, obviously. So the UK who came second are hosting, but there's no venues big enough. They need an arena, but all the arenas are booked out. And most of them are booked out by us for the live show.

I know. And they're going to, but they're going to turf us out. They're not. Are they? They are. Who? The bloody Eurovisions.

No, we have to, we've got that. We're contracted out, mate. They'll have to buy us out. They're trying to get people to move their shows. They've narrowed it down to two.

No, they've narrowed it down to eight potential venues. And we in two of them during the on those days eurovision needs a month of the venue what are they doing in there what the fuck's going on there just practicing a different building to write the song they'll write the song in a month it would explain a lot so um yeah it's like us and elton john and people like that um are doing these venues currently and it's like us and Elton John and people like that are doing these venues currently, and it's like, what's going to happen regarding Eurovision? So we'll wait and see. We haven't heard from the venues.

It's the first we've heard of it. We've heard nothing. This is the first we've heard about it, was our names were mentioned in the news as the people stopping Eurovision from happening. I like Eurovision. I want it to happen. In boxing, if you've

got if you've got a mandatory something you have to fight when you're the champion yeah what you can do is if you say for example um you know anthony joshua um if he beats alexander usic and he may have a mandatory where he's got to defend one of his belts against someone but obviously the tyson fury fight's going to be millions and millions he'll say to that mandatory here's 500 000 pounds take that if you let me fight tyson fury first because It's going to be millions and millions. He'll say to that mandatory, here's 500,000 pounds. Take that if you let me fight Tyson Fury first because he's going to earn so much money from that one he can give the money out like that.

I'm not saying that the Eurovision need to pay us, but it would help, you know, it would take the pressure off to move stuff around. It would oil the wheels, wouldn't it? But don't panic if you've got tickets to everywhere but Manchester and Birmingham. They are still going ahead. You'll be fine. They're all

safe from these Eurovision bastards. Birmingham and Manchester are the ones these Eurovisionists sniffing around. Do you think we could get moved like a compulsory purchase order? You know, like when they're doing Crossrail? I don't know what our rights are, Rob. I don't know what our rights are like we're here we're meant to be there who would win in a fight what between us and rylan yeah rylan's i think rylan he's got big reach he's much he's he's athletic isn't he right okay so here we go me and you versus versus Ryland and Graham Norton in a straightener in the street.

The winner takes all. I think Norton is fit. Do you know what? He looks strong, doesn't he? Like fucking ox. Yeah. Hairy and fucking solid. When Ryland is a tall guy, but I think he's rangy.

I think he might gas out. I don't think he's got that. He's thin, but I don't think he's got the cardio. I think Norton would go for hours. Yeah, I think... Fucking rocket. I think what would happen is Ryland would cause some initial damage before blowing out,

and then Norton would just finish us off over six hours. Yeah. I mean, I think it... Would you reckon you could take Ryland and I have a go at Norton? I think you've got to put me and Norton, the two small ones, up. Yeah, but I'm only an inch taller than you, Josh.

Rylan's six foot seven. Anyway's heels. I'll never reach him. I'll have to bite his ankles. Do you know what? I'm going to make an offer to Eurovision now. We will step aside if you let us be those ones that they cross to to read out the English scores.

Yes, please. We'll do that and we'll find another date. So if we have a fight, though... Or chuck us a load of money. No, we won't do it for that. We won't do that. Just the scores. Yes, please. We'll do that and we'll find another date. So if we have a fight though... Or chuck us a load of money. No, we won't do it for that. We won't do that. Just the scores. I'm spear tackling Ryland

and then I'm ground and pounding him. The only way I'm going to beat him is on top, on the floor. And how are you taking on Norton? I think... Well, I suppose I've just got to make... I'm younger.

You've got asthma though. I'm probably faster. Yeah, I've got asthma. So I think I just stay on my toes in and out. In a fight, would you have an asthma pump sort of round your neck, like a necklace, or in the pocket, or just to the side? What would you do? I'd have it in my mouth instead of a gum guard.

Gum guard. So it'd constantly be in my mouth. Yeah. And then if someone punched me, I'd just get a blow of Ventolin from it, so it'd actually be a positive. Perfect. Okay, well, sounds good. Well, Eurovision, get in touch of Ventolin from it, so it'd actually be a positive. Perfect. Okay, well, sounds good. Well, Eurovision, get in touch.

We'll have a straight new with Rylan and Norton. Yeah, see who wins. In the O2, Indigo O2 on some sort of bare-knuckle boxing event. Anyway, Josh, it's time to introduce Brian Connolly. Well, Rob, do you want to give him the big build-up? One of the best comedians this country's ever produced, all-rounder, family entertainment. Your hero.

One of my heroes. I saw him as a kid. He's still as funny now as he was then. He's doing panto all through Christmas, which he secretly plugs the whole way through his interview, which I do respect. But Brian Connolly, father of two, and a very, very funny man and a good bloke.

This is Brian Connolly. Here come the carrots making their way upfield, followed by the whole wheat bread, over to the two dozen eggs. Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard. Oh, and the broccoli boots it over the line.

What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please. Make every purchase a win with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard with up to 5% cashback on your purchases in your first three months. Terms and conditions apply. Welcome to the podcast, Brian Connolly. I'm very excited about this, Brian.

I've got moist. I'm very excited. And I would like to apologise for my visual thing that you're seeing. You've got a line down the screen. Do you know what? You seem to apologise. We just had some classic mute problems on Zoom. And when you

were speaking, we couldn't hear you. And your face was so funny, I thought he's doing a bit. This is him doing like a kind of... I feel for comedy. I've even got the comedy screen. Let me point out to the listeners, yeah, when we were in lockdown, just before lockdown, we bought this computer,

whopper-chopper, does the old fingerprint, you haven't got to do anything. But we never realised the... So there's a cracking... You've got a line down the middle. Oh, in the camera, yeah. I know. So, but I'm doing the blimmin', so there's a... You've got a line down the middle. Oh, in the camera, yeah. I know. So, but I'm doing the one shot,

and my next-door neighbour came around because they've got a good computer, and we couldn't get it on. So I'm in the middle there of the, you know, the great big sort of 20-by-20 screen with this blimmin' thing, and you're right, I do. And people only... When I was walking down the street, they're going,

yeah, all right, Brian? I should take a photo of it so we could put it online. and you're right, I do. And people only read it when I was walking down the street. They're going, yeah, all right, Brian. I should take a photo of it so we could put it online. That line down your head. Perfect. Well, you've made it here. So, Brian, how many kids you got? Let's start off with that.

Two kids. I have two girls. I've got Lucy and Amy. Lucy is, as you just saw, because of my age, she's helped me get on this podcast. In fact, I have to say, this is the very first podcast I've ever done in my life. Really? Amazing.

Here we go. I've done radio. You see, what's the difference between radio and podcast? Tell me that one. We don't have to play a song. We can just babble on for as long as we want. There's no time restraints. No bosses as well. There's no time restraints. No bosses as well.

There's no man telling us what to do. We can say things like, bam and poo. Yeah, whatever you want. I'm going to say it now. Fuck. I just said it, man. I've never ever said it. I feel there's people out there going, I can't believe it.

It's going to get in the papers and everything. Did you work clean then, completely, basically, all your stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you had to. When I was doing my show, I had a joke where, you know, I had to say, I wanted to say bum, and I was not allowed to say bum. And no one, and I can't believe it, you know, like now everyone can say far, you know, you can say far in Panama. You were never, ever allowed to do that.

But now it's very acceptable because i suppose the sort of rule is if you're um you know a little kid going to school you know how would the teacher react you just go what are you doing johnny well i just farted you know so that was always the times of change but then you also did have a tv show where you pretended to play the violin with your cock out well no yeah there's something lying that people worry that my penis had a nail on the end of it no it was my finger um i had the full song i still do it in the main act if um i have to say it's probably the best visual in the world this is unbelievable the song the devil went down at georgia and when i hold the bow with my finger that they have that rock where the whole audience just go forward like

yeah it's so good the trouble is i can never follow it and then and he always takes me ages to get the blimmin thing on so there's this hiatus where i'm sort of trying to get the thing on anyway yeah so uh what were we talking about my kids yeah your kids yeah so i would get this sort of gushing stuff out the way but i've always loved all your stuff we should say we said on this podcast that Rob saw you, and that's his kind of... In Butlins. In Butlins.

How old have you been, Rob? I can't remember. You were doing a routine where you sort of had a pretend baby in a buggy, and it was crying, and then all the dangerous Brian stuff. I remember watching that on the telly, having the VHS and things like that, and we all watched it as a family and absolutely loved it. And that's my ideal comedy is when you can watch it with your nan, your brother, your auntie, everyone, and everyone finds it funny.

But, yeah, he's an absolute hero of mine. So very excited to be doing this, Brian. The reason, that night is the reason Rob Beckett is here now. I left the stage early that night because I thought, there's a weird kid in the audience with a great big dog. He's smiling at me. Stage manager said, you've only done 20 minutes. I said, that kid's shitting the life out of me. It's just teeth and hair.

What is that in the middle? I remember that routine. I've still got, I never, ever throw one prop away. I love props. I love visual comedy. I think visual comedy goes right across the board, young, old. You've still got that pram then? Still got it up in the loft because what happens was the baby used to come out.

I had the baby made. It was the ugliest baby ever. I used to do a couple of baby jokes. Then I put it in there and there was a very popular song, we are the world, we are the children. And I used to put the baby in the pram. And then I had a little lever and the baby used to play a little trumpet in the pram i think once i had kids i go i don't want to relate to them at all so i never i took out all

my kid jokes all my baby routine when i get out the house i just want to forget those kids now and so what point in your career did you have the kids? I was doing really well. And then it all went wrong. How old are they now, Brian? So we've got Lucy, who's 20, and Amy, who's 25. Lucy works as an events manager at a very popular cinema

chain, and Lucy wants to be a comedian. Oh, wow. And she's a great singer, and she's done a little bit of work, wow. And she's a great singer and she's done a little bit of work. She's done a bit of acting and she's got a pantomime. Oh, wicked. Yeah, she's doing a pantomime in Richmond. Her love of singing has always been there as well, but Lucy just has that extra really wanting to be in the biz.

So how are you going to feel watching her in panto? Well, I'm not. I'm working. The trouble is Anne-Marie, Anne-Marie, my lovely wife, will have to decide which one she goes to because we start rehearsals at the same time and we finish at the same time. And where are you?

Where's your panto this year? Is it Woking? Is it Woking? Yeah, thank you very much, Rob. I bet I would have ended up in Worthing or something like that. No, it's Woking, Cinderella, Brian Connolly, Cinderella, 2nd of December through to 31st of December. Oh, mate.

Buy tickets now. No. From £13. Oh, that's got... If you're going to go and see Panto, you've got to go and see Brian Connolly, Cinderella, surely. Well, how old are your children now, guys? Mine are six and four.

I reckon they really enjoy it. I'll have to bring them down. They are Panto age. And what about you, Josh? I'm mine are four and one. One, guys. Mine are six and four. I reckon they really enjoy it. I'll have to bring them down. They are panto age. And what about you, Josh? Mine are four and one. One, obviously. Yeah. Sometimes if I've got friends like that,

I sit them right at the back. That's where the baby sort of kicks off. Oh, there's no way I'm bringing the baby. No, I'm going to come down this year. If you're at Woking, it's not far from me. I'm telling you, you will love it, and you'll go, oh, my God, this is unbelievable. It's huge.

It's a big, big show. And I's huge it's a big big show and i always say it's like one big variety show when you say cinderella that's just the skeleton to hang on as much comedy as possible and uh it's and i would say give me the first week full and i'll take care of the rest it's it's word of mouth it's making them cry with laughter and i love panto because it ticks all the boxes because you've got your pathos your comedy you're dancing you're acting you're ad-libbing when you've got the little kids up at the end which i can wangle because you know you you know someone in it now so you come i will get you how do you think your children will react to being part of this is that little

bit right at the end where i talk to them and we do something like i am the music band or uh i know what is it um old mcdonald had a phone how will your children react to being on stage well well i brought mine out on stage when i did Southend Cliffs. And one of the older one is quite shy. And then the younger one spoke a little bit and stuff. So I think they'd go out, but the younger one would probably talk and the older one would just clam up. She sort of always lets the younger one go first and do it. Well, we're going to find out.

And what about you, Joss? I think my daughter, who's four, I think she'd panic. But you must have that all the time because kids are four. You must have loads of techniques, right, for dealing with kids. You have to. I want the quietest kids. I get the usherettes to choose them. I will not be responsible for that because there could be fights.

We have four. Well, all I want is four little kids, and I want the quietest kids in that room. I don't want the mad ones. Yeah. And I just want them looking sweet. And then, of course, you never know what they're going to do, you know. But the audience love it.

It is, you can throw everything at a pantomime, but those kids at the end. And I wanted to say, yeah, as I've got older, I don't push for any comedy. I just let it happen. And I think more than anything, as as a parent now all i want to see is that child having a lovely time yeah and that means more than anything yeah you know people always say but it is true it's educating little kids into the excitement of live and being in the here and now and putting your iphones out the way and i say to them i say you know what when you go

on you're going to all talk about this you're going to be sitting in the car talking about it and you know why because you've shared this experience you've shared it you've put your phones away and it's something as you well know guys it's addictive that live yeah well that's what i still remember that i was only four or five but seeing you and that being made to laugh with other people in a big room by someone on stage with that light on them, I was mesmerised by it. You don't really forget that kind of thing, especially the kind of thing you're into. You're into arts and the theatre and stuff, but it's amazing.

Did you have your children come and watch you from an early age then? Well, they both were. I got them in the show with Pantomime. Amy is wonderfully talented, but she's never quite had that confidence to get out there. Lucy is slightly different. I think Amy takes after Anne-Marie, my wife, and Lucy takes after me. But Lucy desperately wanted to be part of it.

So, I had a – you don't have it now, but they used to have little teams of the babes, so you'd have ten little kids that would be part of it. And I got her to be one of the babes and she would learn the dance routines. But I always had another costume made because I've heard of people that, yes, they're 10 kids. They take one out while the celeb's daughter or son could do it. And then that poor child that was left out, obviously,

because they didn't have a costume. But I went, no, I want an 11th costume. I want everything in 11s so that little Luce can dip in and out. And then right at the very end, when I spoke about the bear, the fairy would come out and we'd get Lucy, when she was tiny, and Amy would do this, say about, I don't know, like about three or four, and she would come out with the fairy with the bear and give it to the child who's a similar age.

And then I would go to Lucy. I'd go, hello, what's your name? She'd go, Lucy. And I'd go, how old are you? She would go, I'm three, I'm three quarters. And I'd go, have we ever met before? And she'd go, no, Daddy. You know, I've always had the kids around.

You know, the dressing room has been their home, and especially in pantomime, and even right now, up until this year when Lucy's going to be doing her pantomime, she's been there. She's always been there. And they both have. You know, they've grown up in theatre. When I've been in the West End in shows,

when I was in the musical 9 to 5, I played the sadistic, sexist boss. And in the end of the first half, I get captured by the three girls that work in the office. They take me back to my house and tie me up. But they realise that I'm, you know, quite, I'm into S&M and all that. So they put me in this rubber bleeding costume with the ball all changed anyway so

this is the end of the first half all through the second half I have to wear the same costume so in the interval when I'm there for a year over a year and a half you know I'm sitting there with my daughter having a cup of tea in the dressing room dressed in all this gear and she took a photo of me and she posted it on Instagram

where you go, you know, bring your kid to work day. I totally forgot you were there for a year. You forget you're sitting there in a rubber costume. It just becomes so normal. I mean, what was it like though? Like when you had your kids about, you know, 20 years ago and stuff and your show was on ITV and at that point, telly was getting millions and millions of viewers,

way more than it does now. So, you know, it must have been difficult. The school gates were like kids loved you. I loved you at that age. I'm a bit older than your daughters. But, you know, what was it like for them, you know, with their dad being like the famous funny guy? Dad was dad. dad you know they

grew up with it so they didn't know any different but i made a conscious decision they went to an american school they went to a place in hillingdon called acs and from kindergarten they were there and no one knew who i was and no one knew you know because they were all american kids or international kids but they went there and no one knew me and I wanted that. Oh, really? Was that a decision because you were sort of so well-known, you thought if they went there they'd have their own identity? No, it was a good school as well.

We knew it was a good school and, you know, we just felt that this would be the best way that, you know, people would take them on face value and not go, oh, that's Brian Connolly's daughter there, you know, or, you know, mums and dads. There was a few, obviously a few, that were British, you know, that were there, but predominantly it was all, it was an international school.

So that's where we went. I can imagine that you're quite a fun dad. Do you know what I mean? I can imagine you being playful and enjoying acting out with children and all that kind of stuff. Absolutely. I think that's why I'm good in panto, because I always say I'm like a cheeky little teenager.

That's exactly what I'm like. And I've always been like that, and I've always embarrassed my kids and enjoyed that very much. In what ways would you do it? Well, we were on holiday, and, you know, we were in a completely foreign country. One person speaks English, but the band are playing a song in my key, you know, we're at the bar and they've got a little two-piece sort of

little da-da-da-da-da, and I'm going, I know this one, and they go, da-da-da-da-da, and I will get up, I will get up, and I will sing, and I'll work the crowd and all that. Yeah, that child is very much in me, you know. I've always been like that. I've always been silly. I've always, you know. Well, you've got that face.

You've got a funny face. Everyone was just trying to get the Zoom work and you weren't doing anything, but it felt like a bit. Yeah. So, like, how are you serious with your kids? Like, I've sort of got that stupid face as well. No offence, but you know what I mean? I can't imagine you as a disciplinarian.

No, not at all. No, I'm not. I'm terrible. And, of course, Anne-Marie, my lovely wife, is sort of a bit like, you know, she has to sort of... I tend to just, I don't know, what do I do? I think I've only had a go once. Once ever, you know.

What was that? Can you take us through that? It was just about being not polite, you know, and it was just a moment where I just went, no, I've got to think about being polite. You know, I've always... It's like when we go to a restaurant, always very polite to the waiters and all that sort of thing

and want my kids to be like that. Were you good with the... I mean, the teenage years, particularly with girls, I think, is a really tough gig for a parent. Do you know what I mean? the teenage years, particularly with girls, I think, is a really tough gig for a parent. Do you know what I mean? I was working. I've always worked. And them coming to see me, unless I've been on tour,

but even then being on tour, and very much was sort of my stand-up era sort of ended just when the girls sort of turned up and then I was doing lots of musicals and i've done a lot of them and telly and so they were always part of that you know so and i would very much involve them if i am on tour i go well i'll look after luce this week she's off school she can come with me and they love it being in the hotel and of course being with uh everyone there but there's i've always being reminded because I said, right, I've got to talk about the kids. What can I say?

She says, tell them. You know what I used to do when we were on holiday? There would only be about six. And I go, see that kid in the pool over there? Will you go and talk to him? They go, no. I go, go on. Because I know if Lucy has a little friend, that's it.

They're going to play. They're going to keep out of the way for a while. I would pay her to go and talk to the kid. I'd give you five pounds. She'd go, I'm not in five. I'd go, I'll give you 10 pounds. If you just go over, you don't have to be friends with them, but just go and talk to them.

And then they'd go over and talk, and that'd be it. Bang. Yeah, and it's normally that bit apprehensive about that opening bit. Because I knew that that was it. Then I got little friends the same age, and we'd get pally with them. I'm a day, go to the bar, and there's all the therapy. Do you make holiday friends, Brian? I do a little bit, but I don't know, you know.

No, I don't think people should. We went crabbing once, and we were in Southend or somewhere, and we went out and we bought the things, and Anne-Marie and Amy was on the beach, and me and Luce went out to sort of like the pier and we're sort of doing it all. Anyway, Luce is upset. She can't get anything. And so there's a little kid next to me and I bought his crabs.

I said, I'll give you £10 for the crabs. He's a little big fucking fool. And we went back and everybody went, oh, my God, look how many you've got. The other kid. You know, this is what I'm like. I've sort of come back. And I said to him, you know my brother. You know my brother.

Yeah, of course. He's a floor manager. We've worked with him a number of over the years. And he said, the best advice you ever gave me, Bri, is when you said, it all gets good when you can bribe them once you start once you can bribe them that's it that's it your worries are over you've got that sleep deprivation those early years and all that game but then as you get a little bit older and maybe you do the little star thing on the the fridge where you know you need i'm gonna take

one star away no well you're not gonna get father christmas when oh no you can't do oh you're not having those sweets because you didn't you're there you've you've yeah you're on the other side and have they brought any boyfriends or girlfriends home or anything brian okay how's that been it's been great i think you know i'm fine with it i mean psychologically the first time it might you, obviously they're a bit older now, but when they first start dating, I think it's a tough first thing to deal with. After a couple of years and there's been a couple of different people,

you sort of just get used to it. But the first time... Yeah, you can moan at them about maybe drinking too much or, hey, don't take drugs and all that, but this is very much part of the circle of life and things moving on and you need to find out what you need to find out and in no way am I going to be upset.

I mean, you don't want to come in here and I don't even want to explain what you'd be worried about, but you don't want that. I think we can dance. But, you know, Amy has got a lovely partner now, Dash, who's a lovely guy, and they just, you know, seem so happy together. And that's what you want. You know, that's what you want at the end of the day, you know,

is for them to be happy. But it must be the bit when, if they bring someone home when they're like 16, 17, and, you know, the blokes are knobhead or the girls are knobhead, You know they're knobhead. Your wife knows they're knobhead. But you just have to let them find out that they're a knobhead. They never, ever brought anyone back because they were worried. They knew that I would say something and I'd drop them in it

or I'd say something embarrassing about something that happened years ago. So they never, ever. In fact, my brother was the same. My young brother, Al, would never, ever bring anyone back because he was always worried that I'd say something. Not have a dig or anything, but just, I always put my foot in it. Or just break into song. It's that kind of thing.

Well, of course, you know? And so what was it like the first time they did bring someone? Well, the first time is really a lovely guy called Dash now, and Amy is 24 and before that uh i was aware of people and anne-marie was aware but uh no and dash is uh the first one that's been back and been welcomed into the family you've got to you have to that's part of you know we we did you know everyone has to and so you're very, you know, you've got to find my iPhone. Where is she?

Where is she? What are you doing? Go and find my iPhone. Oh, we're all right. We're okay. Don't let her get the train home. No, she's got to do Uber. No, it's too late to get the train.

Yeah. You know, and all these sort of things. But really, you just, you have to let them go, because that's it. That's part of it. And as long as they're around, they need to grow up. You know, they're around and you get them home. You know, we're a very close family.

Anne-Marie's a very close, got a very close family. Me and Anne-Marie have been together 31 years. We've been married 25 now. So, but, you know, and that's not bad in show business. But I am a family bod. You know and that's not bad in show business but uh i am a family bod you know that's my well people say what do you do uh this family for me you know it's uh it's going to cinema it's going out for meals it's getting us all together at weekends things like that you know so that's been very important in my life and did you find when did you find that, like, you've got more time

on your hands now? Do you know what I mean? There's that period of whatever, 10, 12 years or whatever, when it's just parenting, parenting, parenting. And what did it feel like when you came out of that?

Did you feel like, I think a lot of people come out of that, they're like, what do I do now with this time? Josh, do not kid yourself. It doesn't happen.

It does not happen. I swear on my life, I'm not doing it for comedy or anything. It doesn't happen. I used to think that when I was younger. I go, oh, they get older, they drift away. No, they don't. They're around all the time. Or you've got other problems.

Oh, we need to sort out. Oh, we've got to sort out my car, all my tax returns. It doesn't, no, this doesn't happen. Yeah, you basically get three boilers that you have to sort out. It's like in films, you know, but when they drift away. No, they're there. They love it. Three meals, washing machines, everything's working here.

Mum does the ironing, you know. And then they have kids and need babysitters. Yes, that's it. That's it. It doesn't stop. It doesn't have an end. You know, it's not like, that's it. That's it, it doesn't stop. They don't have an inter... You know, it's not like, bye-bye. They go off, you know.

And are you excited about the prospect of grandchildren? And they're a bit young now for it, but as they get older. Yeah, no, absolutely. I mean, yeah, no, I am, of course. You know, that's another part of it. Yeah. I've never really thought about it, but it would be lovely to be a grandfather, granddad.

Was it difficult when they were born? Because you were so busy there, that part of your career. When Lucy, Amy, was born, I was really on top form. Yeah, I mean, Bron Conley's show was getting 12, sometimes 15 million people. And people never even give that that second thought at the time. You know, like EastEnders was getting 30. You know, you could not touch the soaps.

They were all getting 25, 30 million. So anyway, so Amy's just about to be born, and we rush to the hospital and all that kind of thing. Then she's there, and it was like a war zone. I thought I'd just be at the eating end just going go on go on love push push no it was all like where is oh i was really involved and it was all happening and then uh when he would come out it was like this blue blob you know it was sort of i don't know if it was scary it was really scary and i was now aware that they take

them over to like this weighing thing and then they put a little tube in their mouth and then all everything comes out because they don't hit them on the bum anymore and that all comes out and then they start crying so the baby is all blue and it's all over there and i'm so worried i'm going is it okay is it all right it's very quiet and they're going yeah yeah, yeah, don't worry. I go, no, no, please, please tell me, is it all right? And the woman turned around with Amy and went, it's a puppet. No. I'm not joking.

I swear on my mother's life. I swear on my life. No. That's incredible. I know. But it would just remind listeners that many, many moons ago, my catchphrase was, it's a puppet, which I'm reminded of every day for the last five years.

Yeah, I bet. Oh, wow. On the birth of your child, though. That's so you don't need your catchphrase then. It was blue, and they were all over there, busy and around. I said, all right. And then another time when Lucy, Amy was six, and we were at a pizza restaurant, and I had my baseball cap

on and my glasses, and we were having food. She went, Dad, can you take your hat off? And I went, yes. She said, can you take your glasses off? I went, yes. And she stood up and she went, everybody, this is Brian Conley. I'll never forget that. And you want the absolute truth?

What happened next? I swear on my life, truth. What happened next? I swear on my life, this is what happened next. Sat down, ate a bit of pizza, choked on the cheese, and spewed up all over a plate. Then I had to pick the plate up with all the sick on and go to the restaurant. So there you go. That's being a parent.

And then one time we were at a hotel, and the pool area was quite some way away from our little apartment on the hotel. And we had Lucy, Amy, in this sort of like nappy thing that you could go in the pool with. It was like a waterproof nappy. And we're sort of looking at her, me and Anne-Marie. Oh, God, look at that lump.

Look at that lump. Oh, God, she's shit herself. Oh, bleeding now. Oh, we've got to go all the way back. I went, oh, God, look at that lump. Look at that lump. Oh, God, she's shit herself. Oh, bleeding now. Oh, we've got to go all the way back. I went, oh, don't worry. And so I went to her. You know, she was sitting by the pool, and then I put my hand down, grabbed the poo,

put it in my pocket, and then went over to the shower, you know, by the pool, and I'm squeezing my pocket to get the poo to sort of dissolve in my pocket. I'm like, what the fuck? What am I doing? This is being a dad. I'm on the telly every night. I'm squeezing shit out of my pocket now.

Oh, my God. One last question that we always ask. Is there one thing parenting-wise that Anne-Marie does with the kids that annoys you, but you don't say it, you just swallow it? And if she was to listen, she'd go, yeah, that's a fair point. Is there one thing you clash on with parenting? Do I really want to drop myself with a shit in any way whatsoever?

She's so good with them. She really is. You know, and that's it, really. My only gripe is we've got a walking wardrobe and I've got the back of a chair. That's my only gripe. No, I love it a bit. And I don't know.

I don't know what to say, really, because I don't want to drop myself in it. But there isn't really. There isn't anything. You know, if I analyse it, we both shared this experience, but very much I've had to go out there and work, and Anne-Marie's been there 24-7 with them you know and

they're great kids and that's all you want isn't it? It's been an absolute joy to talk to you. Thank you so much Brian. The thing for me is where Josh went so how do you find that emptiness when they've gone and you go no mate that doesn't happen don't live in your dream world

you've got them now and you will have them till you die thanks mate brian connolly there i love that do you know what rob he wasn't on promo and it's the most promo we've ever given anything well do you know what Panto is for kids though and it's quite interesting to hear about it and my kids are definitely

the right age for it but no he's an absolute legend Brian Connolly yeah or did he just ultimately pull our pants down and did the greatest plug-in of all time

yeah an old Wiley Fox he's absolutely played us you wouldn't get that much plug-in on Norton I tell, yeah. An old Wiley Fox. He's absolutely played us. You wouldn't get that much plug-in on Norton, I tell you that, whether you're the floor manager or not. We did get It's a Puppet and Pocket Full of Shit.

Yeah, exactly. Which was fair as well. But no, I absolutely loved that and I'm definitely going to take the kids. But also, like, from a theatre, theatres were shut for two years, so if you want to go and support your local theatre, it's a good thing to do.

Do you know what we should do Rob? Yeah. Michael can get together a list of the people and pantomimes around the country and we can have a look at some of the weirdest people that are doing.

Oh that's a great idea. Yeah. I'm just trying to look for Plymouth. Not for Michael he's got to do it. No it's an absolute nightmare. Okay.

How about I tell you what one episode what we should do is one episode we'll just go through you give me each episode we do this

from now on. You give me a town office sitting, I'll tell you who's playing there. Yeah, perfect. Up until Panto season. As part of our go to the Pantos and support the theatres initiative. Yeah. Also as well, that's how altruistic is that? We're not even in Panto.

What are the listeners going to expect? Are we going to announce a huge Panto show? Parenting hell Panto. Yeah, just to be clear, is we're going to announce a huge Panto show. Parenting hell Panto. Just to be clear, maybe we should be promoting our own theatre shows. We shouldn't be spending the time promoting fucking Pantos that we're not in. We've got a tour to sell, mate.

I've still got some shows on sale in the autumn. Go to Eastbourne. Somewhere else. No, sorry, I'm not going to Eastbourne, Rob, because I'm watching Craig Charles in Aladdin. Sorry.

And if you like Panto stories, listen to the Jared Christmas episode where he talks about his time with Priscilla Presley. Oh, that is a great Panto story. We're a big Panto place.

Anyway, we've talked too much. Shall we go? Yeah, bye. Bye. Hello, Tom Allen here. And Susie Ruffle. We have a podcast called Like-Minded Friends. It's very much a celebration of, I don't know, what would you say, Suze, being queer?

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