Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP13: You can't send me to prison

Episode Date: September 6, 2022

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Please rate and leave a review  Thanks Rob + Josh If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] BIG NEWS.... we're writing a book!  ⭐ All the stories we can’t tell on the podcast – in depth. ⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents) ⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them...   [e-mail] What's it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)? And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick? Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike. Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here:  https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBook If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Introducing Tim's new Savory Pinwheels. The perfect flaky and flavourful snack for those on the go. Like me, who's recording this while snacking. Ooh, delicious. Try the roasted red pepper and Swiss or caramelised onion and parmesan pinwheels only at Tim's. At participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time.

And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will, and... Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card, and he's done it! Oh, clicky-click magic trick! The click heard around the room. You guys just about finished.

Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight worthy with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Jake, can you say Josh Widdicombe? No. Josh Widdicombe.

And can you say Rob Beckett? Good boy. Okay, that's an estuary twang. Dartford, Gray's in chat and talk to me, Josh. Okay. Here's a clip of my two-year-old son, Jake, attempting to say both your names whilst being blackmailed to do so with the prize of chocolate at the end.

Open brackets. I didn't have any chocolate, so jokes on him. Close brackets. Huge, huge fans of the show. That's going to surely cause more problems than it solves, isn't it? Yeah, no, the kid's not going to be happy with that. No.

Kids, I mean, your problem. Huge, huge fans of the show have binge listened to everyone and constantly recommend to other frazzled parents, friends I know. We had Jake on the 8th of April, 2020 my birthday my birthday birthday oh that was real panic stations lockdown oh what was going on there yeah at the beginning of the first lockdown your podcast saved my sanity and marriage during some incredibly challenging times i've got no memory of that but the listener

yeah was that you talking to me no i, I haven't said anything to Rob. If you've been listening. Jake was born with a medical condition. Oh, shit. Did you go into a serious point off banter? You would never work on this morning. Do you know what? I had a proper one show moment there, Rob.

There's a reason in the autocue of the one show. I've noticed that it says in brackets, tone change. Tone shift. Okay. Tone shift now. Okay. Jake was born with a medical condition that was very isolating, but listening to your podcast with other parents' perspectives

helped us manage the road ahead, knowing we weren't alone. Thanks for always being so honest and adding a touch of humour to some of the less appetising elements of touch of child rearing. Touch. Big love, Lisa, Dan, Layla5 and Jake2. Thank you very much. That means a lot. Thank you.

How do you think I dealt with the tone change there? I think you may... I don't think you hid it well. No. I think, you know, you've got a long way to go to be Phillips Gofield. Yeah. Do you know what? When I started doing the podcast today, do you know what I noticed? What way to go to philips gofield yeah um do you know what i know when i started doing the podcast today do i know this you know there's like when i get the quick time

up you see my little file called other there is some weird stuff on computers that i've never used and i'm i just started thinking who's using this other sounds 100 like um where you're keeping your pornography rob there's key chain access don't know that it's system information stickies stickies um airport utility what the fuck is that time machine it's a time machine i think they made that more central wouldn't you that would be the main selling point if i had a computer of a time machine um the console then a digital color meter chess you've ever played chess on your computer no i don't like chess i find it stressful. I feel like people are plotting against me. It's not like you.

No. Well, they are plotting against you. That's the point of it, isn't it? No, no, exactly. It's like that one, you know the one where you turn the wheels? Is it called downfall? It can't be called downfall. Is it called downfall where you turn the wheels

and it turns the wheels on the other side for the person and you don't know where they're? Such a bad description. No, I've never played that. I played Battleship. Yeah, once a game. Remember they made a film of Battleship and Rihanna was in it. What?

Of the board game? Yeah, they made a Battleship game and Rihanna was in it. I'm sure. Unless that was some cheese dream. You sure that wasn't just another film called Battleship? No, it was based on the game was it i promise you and was there any bits in it where she was like e4 yeah basically loads of people yeah she was in it yeah it was crap oh okay well absolutely uh yeah it's my kind of thing

in it yeah of course big explosions michael bay stuff i love it i watched ambulance the other day you ever seen that no just about an ambulance going really fast through LA I don't think you know film 2022 with Rob Beckett

actually let's be honest with you it'd be fucking incredible oh do you know what it would be good wouldn't it because it's a different opinion to could be

it'd be fast it would get through the films wouldn't it it's about an ambulance driving through some streets okay next my rule is If a film's longer than two hours

I'm not watching it Yeah Oh god If a book's longer than 250 pages Sorry I drank my coffee weird It's alright I feel like I'm going to explode

My kids are still Off fucking school Josh Yeah me too mate I've got two more days of it They're back tomorrow I just had to give them A massive bollocking That's what I've been up to

Did you Massive bollocking Give me your bollocking now Well basically Shall I them a massive bollocking. That's what I've been up to. Did you? Massive bollocking. Give me your bollocking now. Well, basically, should I explain what the bollocking was about? Yeah. So they've got a big cardboard box that a hoover came in, right? Right, yeah. And they were, Lou found them in it yesterday, lying in it.

Yeah. As the other one stabbed it with a Harry Potter wand, being a magician. Oh, like the knives in the box? Yeah. So knives in the box. Yeah, so knives in the box, but obviously they don't know magic, so they're not doing the trick and hiding around the corner. The four-year-olds in there

are just dodging the blades. Amazing. So just dodging a very sharp, pointy Harry Potter wand. Yeah, that's a sharp wand that'll go through a cardboard box. Exactly, so he's just doing that. Anyway, so Lou said to him,

look, mustn't do that. I'm going to throw the box away. That's dangerous. And they that anyway so lou said to look mustn't do that i'm going to throw the box away that's dangerous and they went no no we won't do it we won't do it anyway lou goes out for a dog this morning i'm upstairs having a shower i hear screaming obviously she's back in the box the eldest ones done the wand hit my four-year-old in the cheek about a centimeter away from her eye and cut her cheek it could have been really dangerous it nearly got her in the eyeball so it cut her cheek so i come down i just had to properly bollock them because they'd been told once yeah that is incredible rob was there blood well no it luckily grazed the cheek but it cut her cheek a little bit so she's gonna go to school tomorrow for her first day looking like she's's been fine. Not looking, she has been.

She's been doing magic that's gone wrong. But maybe that, you know, like when you go into a prison and you want to look hard, like maybe that's quite a good thing. She'll own the yard, Rob. Do you reckon she's going to be a lone wolf or join like different gangs? I think everyone will have to kind of bow at her feet.

Like she'll be controlling the whole thing. The flow of sweets in and out of the yard, all that kind of stuff. I think I'm going to it i'm i'd be bad in prison rob i might just do you know what i might just just get involved and be the bitch and try and enjoy it yeah well just lean into it but set my markers down look i'm happy to be your prison bitch but i'm just doing blow jobs and and i'll be good rather than joining the gang or getting involved i'm here and just line them up i'll go to town and that's how i'm going to get by in this place i'd say that'd probably be my approach because i don't really i don't you know joining the neo-nazis would be the last result yeah i, I think so. I think blowjobs first. Yeah, I'd rather suck a cock than be a Nazi.

Yeah, you've got that T-shirt, haven't you? Yeah, that's my new T-shirt range. It's not selling as well as you thought. It was a shame because I thought you were going to get it into John Lewis, but they weren't actually as interested. They're not keen. I'm looking at TK Maxx for comic relief yeah yeah yeah

it's a bit of a laugh isn't it yeah yeah of course and do it that way but yeah I think I've gone on a bit of a tangent here I could really do

without going to prison it's my worst nightmare oh I'd be annoyed I just imagine being in the dock because I you know what happens life can come at you

you might do something a bit silly or have a moment of madness you might be framed you might be framed you might be framed and you're just sat in the I'd just be sat in the dock and they'd go

right you're going to prison for three years I'm like yeah come on mate yeah good one I can't I was like you can't send me to prison

not me Rob Beckett just imagine Josh Whittaker and Beckett just roll little bunk mates doing the podcast oh my god do you reckon

they'd let us do the podcast if we got put away together? Well, we could bring back the lockdown, couldn't we? Yeah. In the title. Get up too much last week? Yeah, I spoke to my kids on the phone for five minutes and sucked off five blokes.

But apart from that, it's been... Lockdown now. With the same podcast. Oh, dear. There's been a lot of blowjobs over the first ten minutes of this podcast i managed to get another gcse yeah um so yeah so i had to bollock them what else has been how do they take the bollocking and then next question yeah how did you segue it back to normality

right so i basically told them off but i told them both off because she'd got in the box voluntarily so even though one was her it wasn't really one's fault. I just said, you can't do that. Look what's happened. And what's annoyed me most is mum said you couldn't do that and we let you have the box. She could have lost her eye if you went a centimetre higher. So I'm taking the box.

You're not allowed the box anymore. And you've got to realise that there's a reason why we tell you can't do things we're not just being boring and being boring adults there's a reason yeah and because i'm a bit we're not just being boring we are being boring but we're a bit boring but safety boring and then um but i didn't like i'm quite silly with them but i just didn't and then i went upstairs and i could tell that they they knew and then i gave the one with the sore eye a bit of ice and then when lou came in i told lou on the phone but i said don't come in and bollock them again i've bollocked them you go in and sort of be the firm explainer yeah it was a centimeter above and genuinely i think she would have severely

damaged her eye so oh my god that is stressful oh my god it's horrible isn't it that is grim and because it's weird though because they get to that age we think well they're all right because it? That is grim. And it's weird though, because they get to that age where you think, well, they're all right because they're quite sensible and they're, because they're quite clever when they get to that six and four,

like, no dad, and they can, you know, like, but actually they are idiots, kids. Yes. They are stupid. Yes. Aren't they? They're full, yeah,

because my daughter literally just came down just trying to give a bath to her teddy. Doesn't need it. So it straight away, you know, going. Yeah, that's mental. This is totally, this is a waste of your morning.

Well, exactly, because now I'll be drying it. But she came down with a cardboard box, and she's like, I'll fill this with water. And you want to go, come on, mate. Come on. And then they cry that they can't do it. Yeah. Like, we're the problem, not the cardboard box.

All I'm doing is trying to find practical solutions to your problems here, mate. Yeah, and the problem is, you're a fucking idiot. If I say... Is it? If I say mate, she hates it. And I've realised it's because I always say it when I'm trying to, like, explain something that she doesn't like.

Right, and you're still trying to keep her on board. Yeah, I think it's just what I say when I'm being a dick. You're terrible at confrontation. I'm so bad. You're not even terrible, you just completely avoid it at all costs. However, with children, you have to do it at certain points. Oh, I lost it last night completely. And afterwards, I just felt I hated myself for...

Because I don't lose it, really, with her. No. Never. So how did you lose it? So giving her a shower. I just had a very long weekend, Rob, which we'll come to. Do you know what? Let's stay on the light.

Let's stay on the light topics, and then we'll come to that as a little treat at the end for the listener. So are we going to finish on the dark stuff? I feel it's too early. Mate, I've just sucked off a Nazi for safety. Oh, mate. That would have been better than my weekend. As a listener, we can't talk about what I do to survive in prison and go,

but don't worry, it's going to get a bit darker later. What do they think's going to get a bit darker later. You might as well. What do they think is going to come? It's up to you. I can carry on and you can tell me. No, all right. Not darker, but more real. More real.

Just tell us what happened. More real, and then I can come back in with teaching you how to ride a bike. Oh, yeah. Well, I'll give you some highlights of my week. So it was the last day of nursery on Friday. Okay. On the little graduation. Is that right? Yeah was the last day of nursery on Friday. Okay. On the little graduation. Is that right?

Yeah. A little picture of her in her graduation gown. Yeah. All that. I was at last leg, so I didn't get to do the final pickup. Yeah. But I did the final drop off.

And obviously, it's quite a weird experience because you've been going somewhere for four years. Yeah. And you're like, this is the last time i'll go and i was almost like expecting it to be more of an emotional impact if you know what i mean does that make sense yeah and at the end of the day after about three minutes you're still going i've got to go now you've got you i've got to just leave you you know how would

you do lingering no you know when a drop-off do lingering? No you know when a drop off's going badly. Oh is she upset? She's like I don't want to go in all that kind of stuff and you're like suddenly it's just turned into another one of those bad drop offs. I guess in your head it would be like a magical go in, skip in and say goodbye. No I'm not going to cry

here mate because I'm fucking annoyed. Get into the bloody nursery. I've got to get back to the house so I can have a shower before I go to the last leg you were costing me a shower I've been waiting four years for this moment and you've got nothing apart from just the same old drop off

same old drop off because she doesn't care of course she doesn't care she's not thinking this is a big moment yeah but I also think it doesn't feel real. I really don't believe... My daughter goes to school on Wednesday. Yeah.

The reason I wasn't that impacted by it was it didn't feel... Like, when I woke up this morning, I still thought she was going to go to nursery this morning. Yeah. So I haven't made my peace with it all. Not made my peace. I haven't processed that this is happening. The argument is there's nothing to process, really.

Yeah. It's just a body in another building. Yeah, exactly. You know when Rodney gets married and only falls on horses? Yeah. And then he mistakenly goes back to Del's house the next day after work. That's how I feel. I don't feel like anything's changed.

Here come the carrots making their way upfield, followed by the whole wheat bread, over to the two dozen eggs. Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard. Oh, and the broccoli boots it over the line. What a goal!

How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please. Make every purchase a win with the bmo toronto fc cashback mastercard with up to five percent cash back on your purchases in your first three months terms and conditions apply well true but when she got and also when she goes in i find it's always harder for the parent than the kid some kids obviously find it difficult going in but it's like it's more your own you know it's you're accepting that they're grown up now really and obviously there's a long way to go but they're

not babies anymore they're like proper little children going off without you yeah into this new world you've got no control over and if you you know certain people like to have more control over their lives and what's going on because it makes it easier for them because if they've got a hand in it it's sort of that loss of control, isn't it? Yeah. So how are you feeling about her going in? Are you subconsciously anxious? Fine. Totally fine. Genuinely, I'm really looking.

She starts school and my son starts nursery. Yeah. He's got a week settling in, Rob. What's that mean? A week settling in. A week, W-E-E-K, not week as in. No, but like so what he goes in for a whole week

no so it's like a week long process I'd forgotten about this so day one he goes in for an hour right and then day two he goes in for an hour

without either of us okay and then day three because he's still quite he's quite young isn't he it's sort of like it's not preschool it's nursery

childcare yeah and so you're like this whole the whole process lasts a week. I don't know what... A week? Like, that is a long time.

So you'd rather just drop him off and go? In my head, he was starting nursery in 48 hours. He's not. He's going in for an hour, which is less convenient than if he wasn't going in at all. Yeah, but long term, it'll be convenient. Oh, I totally get it, Rob. I totally understand it.

I just forgot it fucking exists. I was like, isn't the point of the nursery that we're handing him off so I can have a bit of a break? Well, can Rose be in charge of that this week? Yeah, she is, but we've also got to drop my daughter. So, because he's going to nursery next to where my daughter's going

to school yeah this was some days where it's like drop her off yeah uh 9 30 drop him off so late 9 30 i don't get why it's so late well that's all right take that oh yeah fair enough but i just it's just like i don't know if i'm in the wrong here. Are we going to put a call out for school start times? Is that a thing we do on this? I don't know. Has it come to that already? Earliest and latest. Get them in.

Get this, Rob. One of my friends sending their kid to school. It finishes at two on a Friday. Two on a Friday? What the fuck? Fucking hell. Fucking hell. Two on a Friday?

To be fair, the teachers have only had six weeks off. Do you know what I mean? You don't put them through it on a friday to be fair the teachers have only had six weeks off do you know what i mean you don't put them don't put them through it on a friday as well that's the end of lunch like that's the end of an adult's lunch two anyway so i'm delighted about that obviously that's making you feel better sure yeah yeah because you're finished she finishes a bit later doesn't she four um so 9 30 so 9 30 and what time, when's the nursery time? Well, when he's doing an hour, we've got to drop her off at 9.30, drop him off at 12, pick him up at 1,

pick her up at 4. Shuttle runs. Yeah. I saw the 7th of September as Freedom Day. It's worse. I mean, yeah, I think you're, like, because your nursery is different because if your kid goes to a nursery,

like, if you work in 9-to-5s and your kid's in a nursery, they are there 9-to-5, but when they go to school, they're not. You have to pay for the sort of extra wraparound care before or after, don't you? Yeah. But the good news is, Rob, September the 14th is Freedom Day now.

Because that's when he goes to nursery yeah for two days a week but you know you've got those two days oh mate i'm genuinely he's a lovely little guy but fucking hell i need to say that right so there you go that's your episode title right there so our friends have got a 15 month year old. How old's your boy now? Yeah, that. That. And Lou went, so they've got like a seven year old,

an eight year old and a 15 month year old. And obviously we've got a four and a six year old. And Lou, they were supposed to be coming around day hours, our house was a mess. So Lou said, oh, why don't we go to the soft play? Because there's a big soft play. And then there's a one for the little kids. And the older ones are big enough to run around on their own and lou has had children recently of that age barely no couple of years ago well that'll be good because it'll keep the 15 month

year old in that place no the 15 month year old just goes everywhere it's like one of them sort of robot hoovers yes it just bounces around and and then they came back to ours and i was like yeah it can't be that bad lou he's two of you there with the and they came to ours and i'd forgot how hard a 15 month old is because they just wander they just wander to death and you just follow them around with a hunchback yeah exactly like until they go asleep you're like fucking mrs doyle walking around after them like like it's awful like because i i i can't all all i seem to say is no all i say is no no no mate no mate and like maybe i don't know like how you'd childproof your house unless you lived in the fucking fun house. Because, like, there's no...

Like, there's nothing that isn't a problem at the moment. There's another energy title. Another episode title. Fucking hell, an energy title. There's a... There's a bit of a Freudian slip of what else you're worried about. Jesus, what? In your Victorian build, your big breezy windows.

Oh, mate. Oh, God. Oh. So I felt your pain because it transported me back to that age. And it is brutal. They don't want to be held. They kick and scream.

They're climbing on everything, falling off of everything. Too young to know they can't do it. Too young for an iPad. Too young to be bribed. Also, because they've got a younger sibling i'm sorry an older sibling bloody hell because he's got an older sibling yeah um he's being shown things that she can do that he then has a go of that when it was just her she didn't know that was a concept do you know what i mean yeah

so he's seeing her climb stuff and you're like he'll then do it but she didn't know that was a concept do you know what i mean yeah so he's seeing her climb stuff and you're like he'll then do it but she didn't know that that was feasible that's classic second child syndrome they're just a bit more fearless yeah he's he's the opposite of what i was like as a child rob i'm not sure he's mine where's the where's the fear i've just got the vision of this happy gloriously smiling little boy who you hurrying around in. He's having a brilliant time. He's got a great life.

He's got an absolutely superb life. We actually bought like a little pen for them. Maybe not at that age of 15 months because they can climb over it. But when they were like just sort of crawling around, it was like a UFC pen that Lou would put them in if I was out of work and she needed to answer the door or make a cup of tea just to sort of contain them for him. Well, we've put the gates on the kitchen now, but obviously because he knows that they didn't used to exist,

it's like we've imprisoned him. Yeah. So the best time you get obviously is when he's in the high chair. So you give him some food. That's when you can actually, you know, unload the dishwasher or whatever. Oh God, the lovely stuff yeah oh yes he's in the high truck and do the dishwasher now win for widdicombe the other day doing the dishwasher turn around look at the high chair he's stood up in the high chair could you imagine? Can he unclip himself? Yeah. The fear... Seeing him stood up.

All I've done now is put him on the highest platform possible. You've just made wherever he falls more dangerous. Yeah, exactly. And is he weaning? Is he eating stuff? Oh, yeah. No worries there, mate. He's eating fucking everything.

Is he different to your... Because your daughter is very calm and very chilled. Is he different to her then, personality-wise? Yeah, yeah. It's like,

if you imagine siblings, imagine Liam Gallagher and the Dalai Lama. So Liam Gallagher and the Dalai Lama in your house. Yeahher and the Dalai Lama are in your house. Yeah. No, she's not. That's giving her too much credit.

I mean, she does wear an orange toga to school. She does, yeah. She's got a lot of followers. Bald-haired little glasses. Lovely girl. Lovely little lady. That feels a bit unfair on the outfit you've got for your first day of school. It's sort of really making her stand out.

Oh, dear. Well, I can just say I can feel your pain because that is a brutal age. And even I forgot about that and it was only two years ago. I think I sort of forget about it like someone who's sort of seen some things. Yeah. You know, someone's been in a war or in prison. They sort of just don't talk about it. And then they get a flashback during a film or something and it sends them loopy.

Do you know what I thought about the other day how dark's this gonna get yeah i think about that too much i remember the discussions of whether two was going to be much more difficult than one and now i just just want to laugh in the face of myself from from two years ago yeah i think we're gonna we're face of myself from two years ago. Yeah, I think we're going to repeat that every two years. I've got them stabbing each other in the eye. Well, we keep going, it'll get easier.

It doesn't, does it? That's what we're learning. Oh, fuck. Fuck. So as soon as they calm down and they're not running around like this, then you've got to deal with their emotion emotionally. Yeah. And I always go, I i'll take that like the next section like when he wouldn't be put down and he couldn't move and you needed to constantly be

holding him i was like i can't wait till he can just move around and he'll be so much more happy but you know the worst thing is if you go anywhere i remember i was on holiday in portugal and then my my daughter was 50 they could walk at 9 months my kids 9 and 10 months they walked and she was about a year old and she was running up and down this inflatable slide non-stop and like launching herself off it and I was trying to catch it

and she was 12 months and this other bloke was stood next to his 15 month old that weren't walking yet just sat on the floor cross-legged playing with one ball from a ball pit and i'm catching my daughter launching herself with this slide he goes god mad isn't it they're crazy i was like pardon your little fucking buddha sat there doing fuck all how dare you how dare you talk to

me about how difficult it is and then i try and convince myself it's because mine's got loads of energy and really i've got a good spark but actually my ones have just sort of probably got ADHD like me but yeah, it's, I think we are facing, we're looking down the barrel

of every two years going I thought this would be easier but it's not. Yeah, yeah, it's a weird one, isn't it? Yeah.

It is a weird one but give me some more funny stories from your life to cheer me up, Rob. Okay, so teaching them to ride a bike, forgot to do that in the summer,

that was my job. Oh my, oh my. I oh my panic took them to the park was there a reason you needed to do it like well by the end of the summer my eldest is six and i think that's sort of about the time i mean i don't think she's late to learn but i think it's about time now and i didn't and also it's dry and warm you don't want to be teaching a kid in the rain in December when it's freezing cold in the dark, do you? So I thought the summer would have been a good time to do it, but I forgot. Anyway, so I took him down the park

and the four-year-old wants to learn as well. So Lou took the dog. I, for an hour, did shuttle runs up and down the park on the path. There was sweat dripping off my nose. Oh, I bet there was. And are you doing that thing where where you hold the bike there's no stabilizers on it and you kind of yeah you hold the bike and then give them a little start and then they get going so the issue i've got is the eldest has got the technique but not but too much fear so she's pedaling perfectly and straight and then as soon as i let go of the seat and she's off, she breaks.

Right. She just stops. And I'm like, no, you can do it. And I'm, you know, and then. Oh, God. But every time. And I'm like, you know, do you know what happened there? You were going, but you stopped.

And like that. But it's all mental. I feel like I'm a boxing corner, man. You know, you're like, and then I'm going, it's just you. You can do this. And then it's weird, though, because this is the a boxing corner man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and you're like, and then I'm going, it's just you. You can do this. And then it's weird, though, because this is, the eldest one is quite a bit more nervous. But when it becomes a competition, she switches. So she keeps going, why can that kid do it and not me?

I'm like, forget about him. Yeah. Because there was a younger kid on the bike. And I fucking hate seeing a young kid that can ride a bike. I just want to boot them and the parent. Fuck off, you and your little three-year-old that can ride a bike. But that's bad. That's my problem.

Well done to them. It's not great to see, is it? It's like being in a nightclub where your mate's a cop in office and you're stood there on your own. I think if you're under five and you're riding a bike, you need to do it privately. Yeah, I don't think you should be doing that in public, you're right. Keep that behind closed doors.

Or they should have a special park for kids that are going to be jocks, basically. Yeah, those guys. And then there was an older kid who was about nine doing it. And then I'm pushing her along. I went, do you want to stop and let him go past? Or do you want to show him what you can do? She went, I want to show him what I can do.

Oh, there we go. And she did it perfectly. Wow. And was this your first attempt? So they've been on the stabilizers on the bike sort of in the garden on a tiny little path and i try i tried to do it with them on the grass but it's the first time i did it on a proper big bit but i think i need to go somewhere there's a bit of a slope because she needs some help getting her speed up a bit right yeah yeah and

then if she's not pedaling as much she sort of comes to a bit of a gradual stop at the bottom there's another park i'm gonna try because this one was purely flat. So she's got it, but just not really got that confidence. The youngest, no fear, no control. I can only imagine the speed she's pedaling. Absolutely flying. She's the one, her legs are just going like the clappers. She's all over the place.

Don't know how to brake. Loves it. Cackles. Nearly launches herself over the handle. Don't know how to brake. Loves it. Cackles. Nearly launches herself over the handlebars every time. I'm tripping over. It's absolute carnage. Oh, my God. So I'm switching between the two different stuff. And what's the other one doing when you're doing one?

Just watching? Yeah, just watching. But Lou was there walking the dog, so they were with the dog a bit. But then as soon as I finished one, she went, My go, my go. And I'm like, And then I'm back. I basically, for an hour ran

like quasimodo like that is not a healthy back my back's all over the place this morning and it's killing me so i'm gonna i'm gonna try it again with them i think this weekend um or after school i'm gonna i'm gonna see when i've got time when i'm not working but um but yeah so it's it's hard work but we're getting there you've got to do it have you had any falling off falling offs a couple but nothing major they've got helmets on and like i just go get up off you go let's go again and because otherwise you know they're not really uh but they're just embarrassed whoa that was oh that was a big one you just want to keep your back straight stop leaning because you'll fall, you fucking idiot.

But you can't, because they don't like that. Kids. It's a bit like trying to teach a nan to use an iPad. You just want to smack them over the head with it. I couldn't be like a teacher, like being like a driving instructor or something like that. I'm bad at teaching people who aren't good at something. Like Glenn Hoddle.

Yeah, exactly. Very much like Glenn Hoddle. Glenn Hoddle does top bins every time. Just do that. And then like Steve Stone's looking at him going, come on, mate, I just run down and ring fast. Hope for the best, get a corner. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I just, I don't know. I just can't, I haven't got the patience. What else have you been up to, Rob? Oh, I looked up you know you know me I love on holiday yeah we were looking at holidays for next the I don't know if anyone's looked for next year we're trying to book early for next year yeah and we look for half term which is always more expensive isn't it yeah um but we booked we're looking just because it's random airport in Greece to go to this hotel um guess how much we've got quoted for four economy flights to Greece in half term on BA it should be

uh 200 quid each shouldn't it about 200 I'd sort I'd sort of go couple of hundred quid each maybe yeah that kind of thing seven and a half grand what I know what because I think what's happening is there's not they're not putting on more flights like they normally do let's start a fucking airline yeah i think that's what i think getting on that flight that'd be absolutely awful kids crying everyone's talking about their feelings i'm trying to go on a day here can you fucking cheer up you lot yes it is hard but it's my only week off i've paid 7400 for these cheaper flights on this airline yes i think but apparently the

travel agent said wait for easyjet to announce their flights because then they will be cheaper and then it forces them to put on more. So I think what they're doing is they're so desperate for money, they're just putting a mental figure... Seven and a half grand. To panic. That's two grand per person, basically.

To go to Greece. I must have got... I don't know if I got that wrong. That's what Lou's told me. And the worst thing, Rob, you won't even enjoy that flight. No. Absolutely not.

It's the worst bit of the holiday. Are you sure, Rob? And the of the holiday. Are you sure? And the most expensive bit. Are you sure it's not because you wound up British Airways and they're taking their revenge? Maybe. God knows, but we're not going anyway. I've heard where you're going on holiday.

No. We're absolutely going to do this guy. Beckett. Beckett's on the blacklist. Yeah. Now, what else have we... Oh, we went to... Oh, so Josh went to see Lewis Capaldi on Friday.

Date night for me and Lou. I saw the pictures. Saw the pictures. And, oh, a couple of things happened. One, I nearly got a tattoo. What? Sorry? So I got... We got invited backstage and I was pissed.

And because this tour's been going on for four years, all the crew were getting the... You know colours have got a number? Every colour's got a number. It's called some sort of graph code or whatever. Anyway, they were getting the color of red of what's on louis capaldi's album that the tour was from yeah on their elbow and i was pissed i'll have one and they was like okay come down here and then they all like frog marched me to a tattooist oh my god was backstage tattooist yeah and i was pissed and showing off so i nearly did it and she went oh

sorry there's a queue there's two more people i've got to do them first. I was like, oh, never mind. We'll leave it. And then we stood outside it drinking. They went, oh, you can go in now, because we can't find them. But Lou witnessed this. Yeah, Lou was sober. She was driving. And she was like, what are you doing?

I was like, I think I'm drunk, and I'm showing off. But luckily, I managed to swerve it. But I was like, it would have been a very tragic tattoo. It would have been all right if I got it the first time, because there was a crowd of people going, oh, that would be funny. But then the second time, it was just me and a tattooist and it would have looked really tragic. Yeah, you'd have come out and you'd have been like, guys, look what I've done.

And at that point, Lucy Capaldi weren't even there. It was just me and Lou getting a tattoo. Oh, my God. Like we're some sort of weird fans. But anyway, gig was really good. Went in the O2. And I've not gigged for a little bit. I'm getting back into gigging now because I've got my tour shows.

And I was in the O2, Josh, and I found myself. Lewis Capaldi is amazing. It's a really good gig. But I've realised I'm so needy. I just kept on looking at the other way, at the crowd. Did you? Going like, oh, I want this to be me. Well, Rob, I've got some bad news for you.

What's that? In April, it will be. Well, that's what I thought. I was like, this is going to be great. And do you know what? It's playable it's smaller in real life than in your mind

yeah yeah because I was a bit like oh my god we've got to go to the O2 and I've not played the O2 for ages but when I was in there I was like this is fine

we can do this because I was telling the kids about this my daughter was really scared about going to the dentist and we went there and they saw me going first and we had to go to the vet to sort me out banter banter banter anyway i went to the vet and the vet dentist i'm gonna be bothered to do it um went to the

dentist themselves yeah they um they you know they spray the air on your teeth i don't know why just for a laugh i imagine that little yeah do you get that yeah and then my daughter was really worried and said oh god what's that i was like no don't worry put it on your finger you can spray it and then she was quite nervous and like older daughter oldest yeah she's a bit more youngest one was like cackling massive tongue in the bloody teeth she was like laying there going with her tongue out like shamu like a big killer whale tongue the oldest one was like oh i'm not sure about this i arched back going what's this and then uh i was saying to her i was like what so that was fine wasn't it and i'm trying to implement into them that it's never as bad as what your brain tells you stop listening to your brain because yeah because all that you know because when you grow up and guys use your

brain brainy brain you know people tell tell you that the brain's really helpful isn't it to be brainy yeah it's an absolute bastard at the end of the day it is and i yeah i think it does it is helpful but sometimes your gut is just as good and the brain can over complicate things and make things feel worse because your brain's trying to keep you safe isn't it it's like oh don't do that oh so i was trying to say that it's always worse in your brain than in reality and that's what it's like when we're in the o2 i was like this is playable we'll be fine josh yeah i think i'm looking forward to it i'm genuinely looking forward i'm looking forward to i i can't like comprehend it in a way it's a bit like leaving nursery but

yeah but it's going to be really good fun i think did lewis capaldi do any parenting chat did he see how that played in such a big room he's got any anecdotes about his bins or his mental health he did do a lot of funny patter that were funny patter yeah that's all we've got that's good exactly and he did he did also belt out some of the biggest songs the last 10 years with what what some would describe the voice of a generation well well should we rule that out rob should we rule that out why not or just get him in to do a song exactly Exactly. Has he got kids? Nah. Nah. He's 25. 25.

I'll tell you what's interesting, though, as well. It's like, because I've had loads of time off, and I've done lots of therapy, like, since lockdown to sort of calm my brain down. And I've become less needy, believe it or not. And I was worried at one point, going, oh, maybe I don't need stand-up. And I was doing that to sort of fill a void of, like, attention, affirmation.

But actually, no, I do love doing it it but as long as you're doing it and you've got your self-worth before and after and the gig's just a fun thing you do in the middle yeah you know i mean it's like the equivalent of go-karting is fun but if every time you come off you're like yes i won it's a bit like if you think i only feel myself when i'm in a go-kart then that's the problem do you know what i mean i only matter when i'm in a go-kart, then that's the problem. Do you know what I mean? I only matter when I'm in a go-kart. You know, that's when it's dangerous. But actually, it's made me hungrier because it's made me want to do it with, like,

and enjoy it rather than endure it. At points, I was getting through it, but now, no, let's, you know, now I'm not worrying about it the whole time. And what was really interesting was there's a lyric in the Lewis Capaldi song, that one, I wish I was good enough.

That lyric, I can't remember what song it's from. And it's so weird because when I first started hearing that song, when I was in the midst of a bit what you're in now, I've been a bit overwhelmed and stressed and it was all too much. My kids were similar ages and it was just like a constant treadmill. And I remember hearing that lyric, I wish I was good enough. And I actually, when I heard it then, I really felt I wasn't good enough. And that lyric really meant something to me in a way of like,

oh, I'm not good enough. Oh, and I really wish I was. And it's so interesting to go to that gig with Lou and hear that lyric, but process it in a totally different way. Yeah. Because my brain's totally been rewired now. Oh, gosh. It was so rewired of you are rubbish, you are shit.

To like, no, you are good enough. And it was so rewired of you are rubbish you are shit to like no you are good enough and it was so because a bit emotional as well listening to that going that doesn't mean anything to me anymore like it did before and it only meant to me to something because i was processing information in the wrong way and it was quite nice because it was a the first time i've sort of there's been a physical or emotive thing that it signifies a definitive change in my mindset. Well, it's like listening to a song that you associate, that you listened to a lot when you're going through a breakup or something.

Yes. And then hearing it a few years later and going, oh, I'm fine with that song now. Do you know what I mean? Yes, exactly. But at the time you never thought you would be. Yeah. You're like, oh my God,

if I put on Ryan Adams' cover of Wonderwall again, then my heart's going to explode or whatever. Yeah. But that was so like, because before, I would hear that and go, oh, I'm not good enough, I'm a load of shit. So if I was in the same mindset, I would have been sat at that gig going, oh, I should be at home with my kids rather than here enjoying myself. Because we also had to drop the girls off at my sister-in-law's for a sleepover and they'd never had a sleepover there before and when i left them they were absolutely

what the youngest was so upset and wanted to come home she was clinging on to me going please don't leave me daddy oh my god and and in the end i left it going look it's still daylight mommy and daddy are going to to a see louis capaldi if you really don't want to stay over i'll come and get you after the gig and pick you up late because i thought i can't just i know she's been excited about it for ages i think she was a bit hangry she was a bit tired it was all a bit new and she was a bit overwhelmed and what i found was difficult i i used to hate staying out away from home i used to hate staying over at friends. It used to really make me scared and stressed. And I started thinking of myself as a child then.

And I was like, no. So I'm now, as an adult, making decisions. I'll just bring her home, just bring her home. But no, because it was better to leave her and allow it to calm down. Because if you sort of scoop your kid up and risk him every time they're upset or a bit overwhelmed,

then they don't learn how to deal with that. Totally. And also that scars the event. It means that that's associated that event with not failure but something did you know what i mean yeah they've got no they lose a bit of self-confidence because i took a roam and her sister stayed the night and had a brilliant time she feels like oh but then in the morning i was like well done you stayed you stayed yes i did and she felt good about herself but it's difficult as a parent to watch them do that and your instinct wants to scoop them up i think it makes it worse but for me it was progress i could have sat there miserable the whole gig going have i done the right thing with

her have i left her and the truth is you don't really know if it's the right thing or not you just hope you've made the right decision and then you find out you can't second guess it but for me i just found it interesting that i'd sort of within hearing that song for the first time to now, live in a room, for me, that was quite a progress. I've sort of shifted my brain. But it's so difficult, especially when the kid's staring at you, to make the right decision. But yeah, the gig was good, though.

Lou enjoyed it. It's interesting. Just to drive home. I genuinely, I'd love to be in that position. One day, Rob, because obviously I'm listening to the Macarena a lot at the moment And one day I'll be One day I'll go and see Los Lobos live And I'll go

This song doesn't mean what it used to To me, this used to be my crutch I couldn't get through the Macarena without tearing up But now He's front row doing the moves my crotch I couldn't get through the Macarena without tearing up but now he's front row doing the moves he's on stage with what they call

Los Lobos was it Los Lobos how do you know their names I don't know is that right oh dear Los Lobos uh

no he's not Los Lobos that's what I've been up to Josh no they're La Bamba oh I fucked it up La Bamba oh so close.

Who did the Macarena? Michael or no, will he? They were called Los Del Rio. Los Del Rio. Los Del Rio. Oh. So Los Lobos did La Bamba and Los Del Rio. The worst thing, Rob, is in two years' time, I'll go,

do you know what? I feel better now. And I've managed to get tickets to see Los Lobos. And I'll be stood there for the whole fucking gig going, when are they going to drop the Macarena? And go and see classic me. Always doing it wrong. Why can't I get anything right?

I wish I was good enough. Oh, my God. Right, should we do some correspondence and small business shout outs? My daughter's going to school tomorrow for the first day, so I'll try and talk about that next week. How are you feeling about it? Really excited, actually. She's really excited to go.

She needs it. She's a bit of a big fish in a small pond at the moment, so I think she needs other kids her age. She said she's a bit scared. She was like, I'm scared. I don't know how to read and write, but I'm like, that's what you're going there for. If you knew, it would be weird. Yeah um so yeah yes i think she'll be okay i think it's gonna be harder for me and lou than her because it's the real

underlining we have no babies anymore we haven't got we have got two daughters they're at school yeah and two one thing is that like you know we don't want any more kids but they are cute when they're little to a point not all the time they're running around so it's a bit like that's when i think people start going do we have another one do we not what we're doing are we definitely done but i think it's gonna be a bit of a line in the sand i think it's a line in the sand for us of like oh my god and, I've been threatening to get a six-pack. I'm going to get Gary Barlow fit when they're both in school. The pressure's on now, Josh.

I think you should get a six-pack and a tattoo. I think you could get a six-pack. It won't be long, Rob. I don't think I could. I think I'll just look bulky. I don't think I can shred, Josh. Do you not think you can shred Josh do you not think you can shred oh do you know what someone said to me in the shops the other day it's the

best thing anyone's ever said what they said oh hello you're robbing blah blah blah yeah well I can have a picture yeah and he went this man went to me you look like a lot musclier in real life oh wow I you know what that really put that really put a fucking finger up my ass. That did. That made me feel good. Yeah, I bet it did. Right. Should we do small business shout outs?

Yeah. Sorry. We'll do loads of correspondence on Friday. We'll do some on Friday and then some next week because we haven't done any for ages. Yes. Here we go. I've got Sushi Wales. Sushi Wales?

It's a pretty long... I haven't been to Wales. No, it's Sushi sushi well if you want sushi in wales you need to go to sushi wales so www.sushiwales.com or sushi wales on instagram sushi whale sounds a bit like a rapper yeah it do you know what it's quite it rolls off the tongue doesn't it sushi wales it's is that a new thing you know people always go almost sounds like a bloody rock album for a word is this like the modern day sort of dad banter it does feel like you're it does feel like you're being old to say it sounds like a bloody rapper yeah mc sushi i'll be honest with you it sounds like

a dad from about 1987 okay here we go sushi wales it's a pre-order delivery service delivering fresh restaurant quality sushi to your jaw we deliver from our restaurant in Cardiff to the Cardiff Valleys, Newport Valley, Swansea Valley and Neath Valley. We've only been operating for a couple of months, but we'll be expanding further a field of time. We use a refrigerated van of created platters that remain fresh once leaving the restaurant so that we're able to deliver fresh sushi to people who would otherwise have to drive an hour or more to the nearest japanese restaurant we sell fish vegan and gluten-free platters all handmade by sushi chefs with years of experience new customers can get 10 off their first order when signing up for a mailing list you can find us at sushi whales.com or at sushi whales on instagram and facebook that's the country w-a-l-E-S. There we go.

Hey, Rob and Josh. Absolutely loving the podcast. It's accompanied me on many a drive, a few sessions of acupuncture, and one wisdom tooth removal. There's another writing. What's the weirdest thing where you thought, I'll put on the podcast to get through this? Also, acupuncture's really relaxing.

You don't need to put on a podcast. Anyway, neither here nor there. I bet someone's had sex to this podcast by accident have you had sex well like if you're listening to the podcast and then one thing led to another are you stopping the podcast i think they'd stop to rubber up after hearing what we've just said today wanted to share a small business shout out for my dad's company embarrassingly named hot ideas sounds like a rapper this is great oh it's a good show dad is a is a proper mad inventor including electric plate warmers the product that no one needs but who wouldn't want it this is an absolute slam from

his daughter instead of putting plates in the oven they warm the middle of your plates keeping the edges cool so you can lift it perfect for keeping your easter roast lamb or nut roast warm on the plate we'll be hugely appreciate any push at all you can find your very own plate warmer at hotideas.co.uk love your stuff m i mean there's a big argument for just using a tea towel yeah but i don't i don't want to put him out of business no hot ideas i would absolutely love it if that was the biggest small business shout out peak that we ever saw hot ideas electrics he's got loads of stuff on the go.

It's all heat-based. He's got so many things. Plate warmers. Round bread baskets. Electric proving basket coming soon. He's not done that. Napkins. They can't have warm napkins.

The rectangular bread baskets. Aprons. Lemonettes. They can't be hot, can they? I don't know. I think he's buying stuff. The bottle bag for the champagne, that can't be hot can they I don't know I think he's buying stuff the bottle bag

for the champagne that can't be hot can it who wants hot champagne I mean it's a hot idea don't get me wrong it's a hot idea the slippers

oh product coming soon pictures are being taken descriptions are being added you won't regret if you come back absolutely incredible I love this guy. This guy's brilliant.

Oh, you've got to get him on Dragon's Den. Yeah. He needs 18 quid for a 10% share. Here you go. He's got cafetiere jackets. That's a jacket

for a cafetiere, by the way, not a jacket with pictures of cafetieres on it. Some of this, I think he buys wholesale and flogs,

but then Hot Ideas Electrics is his thing. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So these are the plate warmer things. Heat plates in a sophisticated manner without the fear of cracks. Crazy, not damage. I like this guy.

What is a hot idea? God knows, mate, but... 35 quid for a hot idea. It's a bag for a lemon. Yeah. Cafeteria jackets. Who's dressing up their coffee we're absolutely slamming here but it's a great bit of advertising trays there we go he's got

all sorts of skeezer he does do tea towels as well hotideas.co.uk um it's even got a search function he's got so many products there's a search function blue and white check he's got every color of apron you want, mate. He's on it. Do you want a hot apron? No, I'm all right. I think I quite like a lukewarm apron. I don't know about you.

Room temp's fine for my aprons. Picnic rugs. Anyway, hotideas.co.uk. Get involved. All right. We'll see you on Friday. Bye. See you on Friday.

Bye.