Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP14: Kelly Convey

Episode Date: September 12, 2022

Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant comedian Kelly Convey. Please rate and review. Thanks, Rob + Josh. BIG NEWS.... we're writing a book!�� ⭐ All the stories we can’t tell on the podcast – in depth. ⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents) ⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them...   [e-mail] What's it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)? And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick? Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike. Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here:  https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBook We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC cashback mastercard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will. Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card and he's done it. Oh, clicky clickclick, magic trick!

The click heard around the room. You guys just about finished. Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight-worthy with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback MasterCard. Introducing Tim's new Savory Pinwheels. The perfect flaky and flavorful snack for those on the go. Like me, who's recording this while snacking.

Ooh, delicious. Try the roasted red pepper and Swiss or caramelized onion and parmesan pinwheels only at Tim's. At participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Harry, can you say Rob Beckett?

Can you say Josh? Whiddicombe? Whiddicombe? Whiddacombe. That's a problem. Whittacombe. Whittacombe. Well done. There we go. You're the problem, aren't you?

The Whittacombe's the problem for a lot of these kids. Oh, it's been a fucking bane of my life, mate. From the moment I started as the last on the register up until Anne Whittacombe becoming famous. And now the children can't read the name. You've had a terrible run with Widdicombe Anne Widdicombe and that must

she must have been peaking when you was at school yeah I reckon she was probably when I was a teenager wasn't she Anne Widdicombe yeah

because I remember when like I first met you and I immediately thought of Anne Widdicombe and then obviously she spells her name

different to you she spells it differently there's a little E in the middle. I've told you she moved into the village I grew up in after I left. Yeah, and called her house Widdicombe's Retreat or something. My parents are fucking livid. You've got to buy it.

Yeah, maybe I will. How are you, Rob? Yeah, I'm all good. I'm loving life. I'm enjoying our interviews with people. We're doing more of them. Yeah, it's nice to be I'm loving life. I'm enjoying our interviews with people. We're doing more of them. Yeah, it's nice to be back to them, isn't it?

Also, we've got a bit of a backlog of correspondence. So do you want to do some before our guests? Yeah, and then we were thinking next week doing a load of correspondence because there's so much good stuff. Let's catch up on correspondence because we've not done it because we've been blabbering on about our kids over the summer holidays because we've been with them all the time. I find, though, when they're off so much, I can't think of what to tell you on here

because it's constant and it's overwhelming where, actually, when you pick them up from school or whatever, the time you're with them, it sits in your head more. But, yeah, I'm tired, Josh. I'm tired today. It's all right. Do you want me to read out some correspondence? If you don't mind.

Do you mind reading out some correspondence? You put your feet up. I've highlighted something green. That you like? The good ones, some good ones to do first. Okay. If you want to do them, or you can just freestyle it. Yeah, that's fine.

Things you were called into school for. Oh, okay. Hi, Josh and Rob. When I was at primary school, I'm now 47, my mum got a visit from the head dinner lady. Visit from the dinner lady? The head dinner lady? I didn't know there was a hierarchy.

She was concerned as she's received a gift from me for Christmas and when I'm wrapping it, realised it was a solid silver dish. Upon questioning, I revealed that every year I'd wrap things up from around the home and give them to my dinner ladies as they used to save me extra custard. Extra custard. It's so lame.

That's so sad. The dinner ladies were taking bunks. What did you... Did you have school dinners? We had packed at primary. And then at secondary, I had school dinners. But there were so many kids at my secondary school, you didn't have a one-on-one relationship with the dinner ladies.

You'd just, like, come through. They'd call you my lover. My lover? Did they call you my lover? They would, yeah. They were proper, like, Devon... Right through, please, my lover! Right through, please, being like... More accustomed you my lover? They would, yeah. They were proper, like, Devon. Right through, please, my lover. Right through, please, being like.

More accustomed, my lover. I think I could do a better Devon accent than you. Yeah, well, I can't do it. I can't do accents. I can't do any accents. Yeah, but that's your accent. It's not my accent. What is your accent?

I don't know. Just kind of annoying nasal twang, isn't it? I don't know what my... I don't think it's regionalised. Try and do your best Devon. Right through, please, my lover. that's pretty good actually yeah but that's all i can say because that's what the dinner ladies used to say that jeffrey is that jeffrey was around that way yeah but i mean potato potato isn't it you get you get mizzle in devon or is that just what's that it's mist and

rain they called it's just because i was listening to pirate fm doing a gig down there and they said oh lots of mizzle coming in i was like what drizzle and it was mizzle i googled it and it's like a term they use for the weather down there where it's a wet mist but it's quite a heavy wet mist yeah i like the mizzle i like it makes me feel like that that's nice mizzle i enjoy that even thinking about that now it's relaxed me what mizzle a misty drizzle yeah it's commonly used in devon and cornwall to describe a mixture of fine drizzle and thick saturated mist or fog although mizzle might seem like a clever portmanteau what is that that's two words combined right okay combining mr drizzle it

likely derives from the Low German mislin, or Dutch word for drizzle, meislin. Oh, come on. It means mist and drizzle. We all know it means mist and drizzle. Fucking get over yourself, Booksmart. Also, I thought Moorish was a place down in Devon, not something you wanted more of.

What, you thought there was a place called Moorish? Well, there's Moors, isn't it? So it's like Cornish or Moorish. So like the moors that it's like something from that they make it down there it's moorish the same way as it's like you know yorkshire pudding it's moorish this is moorish have you ever how much have you been to the southwest you talk about it rob like like i've come from fucking middle earth it's three hours away i used to keep thinking bloody hell they're making some good live in america like the whole island is drivable in one day no but i used to think bloody hell they're making some good food in moorish everyone keeps eating it

i can't get enough of this stuff i've got to get down there and eat it's unbelievable um no i do i find it quite a fascinating place to be honest yeah i mean it's it is it's not the third world like it is no it's just it is slower yeah and every and it's quite like everyone and it's lovely you can see why it's slow because it's beautiful and it's chilled and you got your job when you do it but you know whenever you go up north and stuff you're always near near a big city. But city, near a big city, like my lover. But when you go down there, it just sort of slowly get, you're not, there's not another big city. It's just the end.

You know what I mean? It just gets slower. Well, if you're driving up north or whatever, you leave London and then it goes, oh, and a bit like Hertfordshire is a bit more chilled and Cambridge. And then all of a sudden you're in Birmingham. Yeah, yeah. You leave Birmingham and it goes all like countryside and then it's like manchester or sheffield or leeds and in it there's always somewhere else but it's uh i just find it just sort of it just tapers off it's sort of like peters out doesn't it is that fair is that your description of cornwall

britain petering out it basically gets petered out and you're forced to eat something that Rick Stein's made. It's so narrow. It's so narrow down there. You're not going to fall off, Rob. It's still right. It's not a balance beam. It's not a tightrope. I feel like Cornwall's a bit like, you know that Willy Wonka

when he goes into that room and it gets littered and littered? Yeah. As he walks back. That's how I feel about it. Anyway, my lover. Have you got another email? I should just add

to the end of that email. Unbeknownst to me, I'd wrapped nearly £50 worth of silver and gifted it in return for custard. That's from Sally. Depends on the custard, though, doesn't it? I'm a cheap custard guy. I'd rather have cheap custard than the, you know, like Miles and Spencer's do, like, the best custard ever or whatever.

I just quite like Ambrosia. I like Ambrosia, but I'd loathe to describe it as the cheap custard, Rob. I love the Ambrosia range. Is that from Devon? Yeah, Devon knows how they make it so creamy. Devon knows how to... I forgot about that. Cream. Do you know what I love when I love gigging?

Is when you gig somewhere where there's a brand that's really, really famous in that area. And they'll go, I'll go, where do you work? He's like, I area and they'll go i'll go where do you work is i'm a baker and i go where do you work at the factory i'm like what factory's warburton's mate and the whole crowd laugh because how does this london guy not know that warburton's around here fucking wake up, mate. Where have you been all your life? There's bloody Warburtons round here, yeah? Now, you get that in Workington, because a lot of people work in Sellafield, the nuclear power plant.

It's Weetabix and Kettering. Yeah, Weetabix and Kettering. Newton, Keynes and Amazon. I've overcome a cropper with all of them, Rob. Where was the one in... I think it was Middlesbrough has got a big, maybe War Buttons or something,

I can't remember. But Sellafield is near Workington. So I said to the bloke, where do you work? He went, the fan room. Yeah. I went, is that a shop in town? He went, no, the fan room of the,

so they don't tell you that they work, it's a given. Yeah. So they tell you what department. Yeah. Have you done Barrow-in-Furness? Yes, I have. Everyone works what department. Yeah. Have you done barrowing furnace? Yes, I have.

Everyone works in submarines. Yes. I'm going to say it, Rob. Go on. We have again failed to get through enough correspondence. We're going to do proper correspondence on Tuesday. Unbelievable behaviour from us. One email about a dinner lady.

We didn't even finish. We interrupted. We interrupted. Absolutely. about a dinner lady we didn't even finish we interrupted we interrupted absolutely you must show more discipline than this on radio too rob surely is it me that's the problem i do need a bit of structure i will as you heard in the last episode talk about you know noshing people off in prison yeah which is not it's not it's not something you can do on radio too but it's normally something that happens when you leave Radio 2. Oh, that is good gear.

That's the kind of humour we're looking for. Oh, that was package nice. Right. Are we ready for this guest? Right, this guest, Josh. Who have we got? This was a great interview. She's just had a child.

She's a brilliant comedian who's supporting Alan Carr on tour at the moment. She's also got a dog. So there's a lot for uh yes for rob who's still dealing with his dog situation i'm getting into my dog actually i won't talk about that on tuesday we're getting we're bonding oh that's good this is kelly convy kelly convy welcome to the show we've been we've been trying to have you on for ages but um our diaries didn't work. Our diaries are rubbish, Rob. Our diaries are appalling. I don't think I'm the busiest, so...

Exactly. You've got the baby. How old's your baby, Kelly? She's 10 months. Oh, fucking hell. Sorry. Did I say that out loud? Yeah, she's just on the move now, so it's getting...

Oh, really? She's getting real. Yeah. Yeah, it's when they start moving. So is she walking or crawling? What's she up to? Sort of like furniture, walking, crawling. Like you can't take your eyes off of her for two seconds.

You know, you take it for granted. Like you pop out to the kitchen, make yourself a drink or whatever. Here's Johnny. Like a ledge that's just, yeah, I'm living at my dad's at the moment because my house is being sorted out and everything is a stone floor. Oh, God.

It's stone fireplaces, ledges everywhere to fall down. It's just a death trap everywhere, so I can't take my other... And I've got a dog as well. Yeah, you've got a big, like, British bulldog thing. You know, the Churchill dog. 38 kilos he is. 38 kilos? 38 kilos.

That's heavier than Josh. Yeah. Well, you know, he needs to get on the heel, Rob. He'll just keep shitting himself every time he has a curry. Right, so, Kelly, you're at your dad's house and you've just got married. You've got a 10-month-old baby and a massive bulldog. Yeah, mate.

Yeah, it couldn't get any harder, really. Do you know what? I like to just pile on the stress. I like to just add it on and on and on. If I can really just get really stressed, it's really, really good. Is your dad much help? My dad's actually a diamond, yeah. He's really good with her and he does take her and that,

but he's always working. So, like, you know, it's like today with the podcast, I've just put her downstairs in a high chair with loads of rice cakes. The whole thing? Is he with her? Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course he is. I genuinely fell for that. And what about your new husband?

So is he working in the office or from home? What's he up to? Yeah, he works in the office. So he's out and about during the day. And then he spawns in at night and gets all the easy stuff. No, he's very good, actually. He's quite hands-on. Like, we've just been on our honeymoon.

And he pretty much just took her the whole time and just let me lie down. Oh, my God. Which was really nice. A ten-'ve just been on a honeymoon and he pretty much just took her the whole time and just let me lie down oh my god a 10 month old on a honeymoon rob would you have done that on holiday 10 months old say i'll take it a whole time yeah no i don't mind doing that it's more just taking a 10 month old on a honeymoon but were you supposed to get married before covid is this what's happened yeah the baby's actually wedding number two. We were meant to get married three different times across COVID. So, yeah, she wasn't actually meant to be there when we first got married. Right, okay.

Yeah, wedding number two got cancelled. I thought, well, there's no stress in my life. What shall I do? All right, I'll unorganise a wedding. I might as well just pop a kid out. So that was wedding number two. And are you back full-time gigging now, Kelly? I went back to gigging when she was three months old. Whoa.

Yeah. How was that? It was all right. It wasn't too bad. I mean, I have to say, she's quite a good girl. Like, she takes, she took to the bottle quite, like, I was still breastfeeding, but I was pumping, and she'd take a bottle in the evening.

You know, I'd give her, I'd have an express bottle and Bruce would take them, I'd have a half, and I'd go off to my gig and come back. And if they were like far away ones, he'd just take the time off work and we'd all go. Him, the baby, the dog, everything. Amazing. Here come the carrots making their way upfield,

followed by the whole wheat bread, over to the two dozen eggs. Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard. Oh, and the broccoli boots it over the line. What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please.

Make every purchase a win with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard with up to 5% cashback on your purchases in your first three months. Terms and conditions apply. How are the venues when you turned up with a baby and a 57-pound bulldog or whatever it was? 38-kilo bulldog. 38 kilos, sorry.

Rob, Brexit's Brexit. I'm calling it 57 pounds, mate. Taking back control there, Josh. I like it. I am, mate. Taking back control there, Josh. I am, mate. He's taking back the control of your dog's weight, Kelly, because that's what the European Union stopped Josh Whittakin doing. I voted leave so that I could choose dog weights how I wanted. Thank you very much.

That's five cats for me in old money. That dog weighs as much as five cats. But genuinely, did you actually take a were these club gigs or these you do tour support for alan carr don't you so would you turn up on alan carr's tour with a dog a husband and a kid yeah basically i've gone so well with alan it was okay but yeah no it was basically the tour everything was meant to happen before covid so like i had an amazing opportunity where i'd done all of this work in progress shows and then i had this opportunity to do all the big shows like the

big like so work in progress you do as you guys know but like in the really small bit there's a couple hundred people then you go to the big tour which is like thousands people so i was just like pumped for this tour and then it just kept being pushed back and pushed back and pushed back. And then eventually the start date of the tour was my due date. And I was like, you've got to be kidding me. I was like, Alan, do you reckon you want to push it back? So that's really the reason I went back so early because I just was like, I ain't missing out on this. You know, this is an opportunity.

Yeah. You know, so we just made it work. You know, so it's not been easy. Like there's been times when, you know, especially an opportunity yeah you know so we just made it work you know so it's not been easy like there's been times when you know especially with bloody dog i mean i love him to death but it does add another dimension to it so when you're going up there like where was it um i mean oh it was scum fort we went up there and we had a hotel booked but it wasn't dog friendly so we had to book the only dog friendly hotel in scumport it was rank so what they'd said on the website is that they had baby cots that's a gamble oh my god i've never seen anything like it was like a horror show it was all broken so it wasn't even sturdy

and it had i don't even know what to describe it it had like a life form growing out of the mattress what do you mean like it was it it was just hard crusty food stains i don't know what was living in there i honestly i took her with me. I laid awake all night with her because I was just so, it was just so rank. I didn't even want to shower in it. You know when it's that rank, you don't even need to shower. You come out dirtier. Yeah, mate.

So, yeah, it's not been easy, but we've just got to make it work. It's, in some ways, being a stand-up, it's easy because Bruce works in the day, I go out at night, so we've got that, like, balance. What does Bruce do? I've never met a Bruce. Well, I've met your Bruce. I met him once i've never met a bruce no but like a brew i just every time that you say bruce it makes me smile did did you did did it take a little while to get used to his name kelly i didn't believe him at first i still watch name as soon as bruce is no don, don't come like that. Where is he from? He's from Brighton.

He's from down on the coast. So he's not even Australian? No, mate. No, no, he's not. He's just got a funky mum. Just a funky mum? Bruce, love it. Yeah, yeah.

She's just called him Bruce. She just decided on Bruce. But also, he's a massive sort of rugby playing type guy. And I swear when I met him, I might have imagined that he had a moustache He did, yeah, he rocks a moustache, mate He rocks it I'm going to go back to my old question Are you sure he's not Australian?

I mean, he's been down under But we won't go there How much does he weigh? I'm joking What does Bruce do then? So he's sort of office worker in the day kind of job he's um electrical engineer so he does like um yeah if you have a power cut he's sort of he works for the company that gets back on so oh okay god so he's constantly introducing himself

to people and they're going yeah but what's your real name like yeah like legit like every time we go somewhere they're like a good one he's like why would i make that up like what am i getting out of this situation rob we don't do enough about partners names we've never really chased this down and it's a rich area we've never had a bruce at our fingertips before joe we need to be asking this every interview what's your partner's name is it weird what's your what's your what's your partner's name and how much do they weigh that's all we want to know what's what's your dog called kelly nelson nelson bruce nelson oh my god it sounds like an edl rally so you've got the dog so you're you know how long are you at your dad's for oh we've been here for bloody months um it should be the work should be finished i strive's driving me mad now i mean i love

living with my dad it's not a problem but it's in the middle of nowhere and i just feel like a complete recluse it's just like oh where are you then out in surrey right okay it's like nothing walking distance anywhere you have to get in the car and i'm used to being in london where there's like you know a shop at the end of the road at least you know so and with a 10 year 10 month old that must feel really kind of entrapped yeah well that's the thing like all the baby classes and that what i decided to do was join them all over at home in southeast london so i thought i wanted to get in with all the mums over there and i thought oh it'd be fine driving over two three times a week oh my god an God. An hour there, an hour back. Oh, my word.

And then you'd get to the class, and I thought, and you'd do it at the end of the class, and none of the mums would be like, do you want to go for a coffee? So I'm like, sweet. Oh, mate. Oh, no. Straight back in the car. Yeah.

It's kind of weird trying to make friends with mums, because it's sort of like, where I am in South East, it's sort of like a lot of the where i am in south it's um it's like east dullwich sort of way and a lot of them are proper posh like rich wives so like so one of the classes when she was tiny was um the baby massage yeah and um like so we got there sat around and it went around the room and everyone was saying, you know, I'm Kelly, whatever. And I said, sorry, can I just check that the babies will be massaging us, right? They'd laugh, like break the ice. Fucking tumbleweed.

Just pick up the baby and leave at that point. Just walk out. There was one woman, though, that did laugh at the table, and at that point. Just walk out. There was one woman, though, that did laugh at the table, and we've been friends since, actually. She was like, oh, my God, they're so stuck up. So, you know, it did pay off because I had my friend out of it. It's quite tricky, yeah.

It's a good way to whittle them down, isn't it? No, when you went back gigging, you were desperate. I needed the reassurance that I hadn't lost it man are you breastfeeding as well kelly yeah and well i have stopped now i'm i'm i'm i'm on the formula now which uh uh there's a bit of guilt there it's weird with the breastfeeding because everyone's like bang on the breastfeeding you know i mean like they're they're all like you've got to breastfeed your child you've got to breastfeed your child. You've got to breastfeed your child. The best breast is best. And like,

I was so obsessed with this. And like, you know, as soon as she was born, cause they say, as soon as like the baby's born, you've got to get them like, you know,

straight on your boob. And I went through like quite a long labor. Like she was two weeks late and I had to be induced twice. And I was in labor for 38 hours oh my god my word so talk me through the 38 out not not minute by minute but like give me a brief breakdown of how these 38 hours played out um well i went uh they had to induce me like twice so like finally like things started happening but it was so slow that we went for a roast um we did that we went for a roast.

We did that. We went for breakfast because we were induced. And then they just send you out into the kind of... We were induced. All right, Josh. I know, mate. I did a midwife put her fingers up your ass. Oh, about six hours in, actually, Rob.

It's quite... We were all quite bored. So, you went for a roast. And were you feeling anything at this point? Yeah, no, the contraction, I was miserable, mate, because I was overdue and I was taking my due date as, like, you know, that was it. And, you know, two weeks passed by and I was absolutely miserable.

And, you know, lovely old lady on my road, Elaine, she'd come out and be like, have you tried a curry or something? You tried shutting up a lot. And enough of you chat, mate. I don't want to try a curry. I don't want a long walk. I want the baby's cut. But yeah, so I was miserable.

And I was just like, I was just, I was definitely feeling it. Then we got to the roast, I had roast and contractions started. And when it's your first time like you just think oh this is the peak of the pain you're like okay like it's happening i'm in labor let's go back let's go back to the hospital okay i'll have dessert first but then let's go back when you got back to the hospital and she was all like oh no like you are you are nowhere near and i was like what do you mean nowhere near and then i realized hours later that that pain was nothing like nothing the contractions like kicked in and then like i mean i was like on the gas and air i didn't have anything other than gas and air

i was just bang on that gas and air i I was flying, mate. I was absolutely flying. I went through two massive canisters, like canisters like the Urus. Went through two of them and then they had to put me up to the mains because I was going through the canisters so quickly. So I was off my nut. And then, like, yeah, and then, like, finally it was like I was just ready. Suddenly it was just pro time. I mean, suddenly, 38 hours later. But it just all happened in one moment where it was like, okay,

we're going, we're going, we're going. So as soon as she came out, my instant thing was I had to get her on my boot and have this bonding moment, skin to skin, but also breastfeeding to establish it. So I didn't even look at her. I just got her straight on my boob and have this bonding moment with skin to skin but also breastfeeding to establish it so i didn't even look at her i just got her straight on my boob and this moment where you look down at your baby for the first time and she latched onto my breast and i realized she was this spitting image of my dad no he's horrifying like in my little dad's face. Really?

Really? That was your first thought? You couldn't unsee it. Like, literally. For the first two weeks of her life, it was like someone had superimposed my dad's face on her. Yeah, so that was my first experience of uh of breastfeeding and then we got so excited you know that first moment when they're born and you want to send

the photo to all the family so we like sent the photo to the family and then my dad blessed him he was so excited he sent it on to all of his mates and then you know like bloke they're proper blokey geezers and he come one of his mates john come back and sit here john boy i have to say to you mate your daughter's breasts are out in that photo and what i didn't realize is i'd sent a photo but all of my you're looking at the baby ain't ya you're looking at the baby i didn't realize all of my boobs were out in it, like all of my big, massive burger nips. They go really deep. He'd send it to all of his mates.

All of his mates would see my nip. But someone in my NCT group had a worse one. The husband had sent the photo out to all of the family groups and everything like that of the baby in the little warmer box thing. What he didn't realise is in the background of the photo is the wife warmer box thing what you didn't realize is in the background of the photos is the wife getting stitched up oh my god oh my word yeah oh my god how'd you how'd you ever get out of that doghouse there's nothing you can do that won't get thrown back in your face well at least i didn't send a photo of you getting stitched up around oh man alive and then i was gonna talk about your dad as well because like you you've got

a quite an interesting upbringing really because your dad a traveler no my extended family my aunt is uh my my dad's brother's wife has traveled right yeah so you've got some travelers in your family and stuff but then didn't your dad when when you were growing up younger, you didn't have as much money, but then he did really well in business and then had a couple more kids, sort of had a very different upbringing to you. Is that right? Yeah. So basically, yeah, my dad made like a ton of money

when we had left school and left home, essentially. So we didn't reap any of the rewards of this. home essentially so we didn't reap any of the rewards of this she says now living in his sort of cottage on the ground so i mean i have to you know but basically what happened was is that my dad sold a company for for lots and lots of money and then that was when my baby brother and sister were you know really young so they went to the finest private schools and have grown up in pure like privilege and wealth so and uh yeah harry just completed his master's at cambridge what was you doing at his age kelly oh i don't know probably stone somewhere and so like do you think with your you know because your your your daughter will have a different sort of upbringing to to you but then also quite

similar i imagine to your brothers and sisters and stuff do you do you see the sort of stark differences between it oh mate like you know what the private education is just like crazy. I mean, it's not like I wish I had a private education, but I remember my little brother telling me, I'm used to reading bedtime stories, and he'd ask me to stop because my grammar was so bad. Correcting me. You know, it's a different world. It's sort of like, you know know you do see the other side of

it i mean harry was just like so impressive i mean mosey was as well but you know like it was only a couple of weeks ago that he graduated from cambridge and i was just like standing there and we went to the little ceremony and that and you're seeing all of these kids like walking through in their little caps and, you know, pure geeks. Proper geeks. And it's just like a different world, you know. They're just so successful already. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if one day my brother was potentially prime minister.

He's called Harry, but my dad can't pronounce his H's. So it'd be like, Harry, you know. Yes, father. Yeah, so it's a weird, we've got this like literal class divide down the centre of our family. But it doesn't, you know, we get on so well. And, you know, if I can give Bea that sort of education, then great. But I don't, you know, it's not going to keep me up at night although one of my mum friends showed me a video for a local private school and i almost cried for the kindergarten oh my god so just watch this and try

not to cry oh my, it's beautiful. The education, the facilities. Oh, my God. You'd go there for the afternoon just to brush up on a few things. I'd bloody love to if I could afford it. Jesus Christ. Do you wind up – because it's normally like the parents go, well, you're lucky you're getting this because I had this when I was your age. But you're so much closer to it because you know what holidays you had

compared to what holidays I had. Oh, yeah. Does that ever come up? Do you ever sort of like so much closer to it because you know what holidays you had compared to what holidays i had you could does it ever come up do you ever sort of like do you ever say to your dad like all that money you spent on their education can i have that in a lump sum you owe me about 10 grand a term here mate over 11 years i'll take it now imagine if you offer that to your kid at the start do you want the private education or do you want the money in the bank that That'd be, that'd be an exciting moment for the kid. I mean, yeah,

if they're four years old and take the money, I think they don't need the private education. Yeah. No, I only come up the other day when we're sitting there in a Harry's I'd finished his uni and that. And, uh,

he said, I don't know what to do. You know, he was like, he's got a friend out in Australia and literally just without even thinking, my step mom was like, well, we'll just pay for you to what to do. You know, and he was like, he's got a friend out in Australia. Literally, just without even thinking, my step-mom was like, well, we'll just pay for you to go to Australia. Just go to Australia.

I was like, I want to go to Australia. I want to go. I just want to go back to Australia. You hate it, loads of 21-year-old Cambridge graduates going, oh, where's my backy, doing TikToks. You'd be livid after an hour. And how's Nelson, your massive dog, getting on with the baby? Because that's something that people talk about.

If you've got a little baby and then a big, heavy dog like that, even if the dog's lovely, it's just big and heavy. It's hard. It's hard. It does add another dimension to it. You know, she can't be on the floor. Now she's a bit more sturdy in that like at first you know it was really tricky because you've got a like with the baby like with you know a lot of time they'll be playing on the floor let them do the tummy time or whatever

and you just can't do that so a lot of it was up high and he wasn't used to it because he's never had a baby in the house and he's nine and you know he's always been the baby yeah like the high pitch screaming and all that stuff it was quite tough and i think he was a bit i don't know about jealous but i just didn't like it it didn't look like the sounds and that and i think he'd look you know well he was a bit probably you know when he was a dog show it's jealous did he sort of roll his eyes and slam doors? Whenever I was breastfeeding, mate, I swear he used to look at me and be like, you never did that with me.

Maybe he thought you were breastfeeding your dad. He just thought he'd got a bit smaller. I think he got used to it and now she's up and about and she's climbing all over him and pulling him. He's very patient, actually. pulling him he's very patient actually he's very very patient what annoys me is what other people who uh like will go oh what are you going to do with the dog then like what do you mean they're like are you going to you know give him up or get rid of him or surely he's dangerous i'm, if I had a dangerous dog, like, what do you think? I'd just take the chance and just like, you know, let's see. Let's see what happens.

You know, he is good. But you just have to be vigilant at literally all times. Like, you know, it's never a moment where you can just quickly pop out the room. She has to be up high. We've got like high chairs and like bassinet things and yeah so you just have to it like um as you probably know i mean we do know you just make it work with your situation and um yeah we've adapted but uh it's not it's definitely not been easy it definitely adds another another layer yeah well i was gonna say because we've we've got a dog um we got we got dog when the kids were like four and six and it's

a lot easier transition to introduce a puppy to bigger kids than the other way around yeah how's the uh how's sleep going she's she's actually really quite good actually she's next question i know it's terrible because I'll admit that here, but like, especially when I was trying to make mum friends and they'd be like, oh, it's such a nightmare, isn't it? And I'm like, oh yeah, yeah. Like, you know, you've just got to lie in that situation. You 100% have to lie.

Anyone that doesn't lie in that situation is a monster, I think, if they've got a good sleeper. What are you going to gain out of it by telling your mate that like, who's had two hours sleep, that you've slept through the night like i would just be like oh yeah oh no it's such a honest day i just can't deal with it and she's like oh yeah well i'll tell you what we're in it together i'll send you if i'm up in the night like i'll send you a message at like three o'clock in the morning whatever and we can just you know we'll be there for each other oh yeah i usually leave my phone downstairs so she's been really good she had like that regression thing at like four months when her

teeth started coming in and there definitely are nights when there's like she's up in that like last night she was up at like four o'clock this morning and i just got her in bed with me i thought i'm not i'm just just i need my sleep so i just got her in bed with me I thought I'm not I'm just just I need my sleep so I just got her in bed with me and she goes back to sleep so she's not been too shab I have to say um but you know there's definitely nights when I'm just like I think it's worse actually when they're good and then you get this shock of like, sorry, what? Yeah, the regression. You're like, they wake up and you're like, oh, it must be seven o'clock in the morning. You're like, it's half past 11 and I've just got into a deep sleep.

Come in, you're like, what's your problem, mate? What's your problem? And then they're just like, gah! You know, most of the time when I come into her, she's not even crying, she just wants to be, well, she'll cry and then I come in and she's all like, you all right, babe? I'm all right. I'm not all right. And do you split it with Bruce in the night or do you,

how do you split the workload? At first it would be almost like we try and jump up and be like, oh, you know, I'll go. And now it's sort of like, we pretend that we're asleep. I think we do split it, but we're trying to get out of it a lot more now. You know, the novelty's worn off. Yeah, the novelty's worn off. You go to work, go to work, mate, because I ain't getting up. Are you thinking about more or are you tapping out of one

or you've not spoken about it yet too soon? no no i think we'll definitely definitely go for it um i think we'll have them close together i think in terms of like for work and that um the way i see is is that this is disruptive uh you know this is this is going to disrupt my work and it's much harder for me as a woman like I had a lovely male comedian ask me the other week it's like how is it going back to the gigging because like we're thinking about you know having a baby and I'm you know I'm wondering if it's going to affect me and I'm like I ain't gonna affect you mate you can go back to work like i mean like for me i i know that this is going to affect me for a little while you know for you know i couldn't go on tour right now do you know what i mean i mean like i couldn't just go and go you know if i suddenly had this huge following and it was just

like bam bam bam every single night we'd make work, but it just wouldn't be ideal. So the way I see it is that we'll bang out the next one as soon as possible. Romantic. And then instead of like... At your dad's house. I know, blasphemy. Sorry, Papa. Big bad Bruce walks through the door with a moustache

after a tough day of electrical engineering. Dad pops out to the pub it just makes sense to just get it done in one chunk instead of like going back and then re-establishing and getting cracking again and then having to sort of take the time out again because i definitely definitely want more so because your dad had a big gap didn't he yeah yeah yeah and it is nice but like so me and my sister we were 18 months apart and it's nice you know we're close and it is a it's a nice it's a nice gap and i think that you can grow up together and selfishly like when you're out and about you know when you go to like i don't know chesed or whatever they want to go on the same rides instead of having like a five-year gap. And they're like, that's a baby ride.

I don't want to go on that kind of thing. Well, that must have happened to you when you were, you know, you were 14 and there was a one-year-old knocking about. Oh, everyone thought he was mine. Oh, did they? I thought he was a teenage bride. It was so funny. Because what it was is that by that time,

my dad was living in like sort of Kingston, sort of, you know, a nicer area. But I was still in Chatham and I was full-blown Chad, like, you know, with the proper track suits, the gold jewellery, the hair on. So I would come up to this sort of well-to-do sort of suburb of London and take my brother out in his pram in my tracksuit and that. And I used to just get the

looks like, oh, look at her, 14, 15 year old, like with this baby in a pram. I mean, to be fair, I definitely played on it and I loved every minute of it. Did you used to pretend then? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Used to love it. Used to love it. Where would you go? What would you do? Take him into downtown, wouldn't I? Just take him into town. Just take him out in his

pram and that. And it would just, yeah. I definitely, I definitely played on it. I think I liked the attention, to be honest. It's amazing you speak to stand-up comedians, all the weird things they did for attention before they found just comedy. Well, yeah. I mean, you know, that was the thing,

was I had naughty at school and, you know, always speaking out and never, you know, behaving. It all makes sense now. Was you naughty at school then? I wasn't, like, naughty, but I would always get sent out of class and you know like talking and um disruptive and you know there was always definitely i was always trying to be a bit of a clown and stuff and that would always get me in trouble did you gig when

you were pregnant like how was that yeah i gigged right up until I did Top Secret, not Top Secret, Up the Creek. I did that when I was about two, well, two weeks away from my due date, so actually a month away from giving birth. Wow. Up the Creek sounds like a turn of phrase for someone pregnant.

She's Up the Creek. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what? I loved performing when I was pregnant. She's up the creek. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what? I loved performing when I was pregnant. It worked so well. It was just such a freeing way to go up there because, I don't know, I mean, you'll know this. People judge you.

Well, I won't. I've never done stand-up pregnant, Kelly. Have you not, Rob? No, no, I just put on a few pounds. I found I was wheat intolerant, but it didn't look like it. You're bloating. I told everyone I was doing the remake of Junior. When you go up on stage, people judge you.

You know, once you're a big name and that, like, people know who you are, they know what to expect. But when you go up there, they judge you. And when you go up there with a big belly, like, you know, there's this warmth and this intrigue and uh this you know and I would always like that one up the creek when I was I was absolutely just about to draw I was so massive and there was this really rowdy um stag do on the front row and I love playing around with those sort of guys anyway but going up there pregnant you, they were talking for everyone's sex

and they were just nuisance. And I just went up there just straight away and just said, oh, babe, I haven't seen you in like, you know, nine months. Boom, you know, he was like embarrassed. You know, it created this thing. And they shut up and they loved it and they laughed. And it was like a tool that i could use um which was wonderful you know i had little jokes about like uh my trousers not fitting and

you know it was just it was it was like jokes that i can only use whilst pregnant i might have to just get pregnant start using them again because they were that's the problem isn't it you get a great set but then as soon as you have the baby, it's gone. Yeah, yeah. Because that happens to Dara O'Brien with it. He had a bad, he had a knee operation and he was gigging and he had this cane and he had loads of jokes about the cane and then I saw him come off stage and he was walking normally and I went,

oh, don't you need the cane anymore? He went, no, not really but the jokes are going so well but he's like, I know I've got to lose it. I can't be the cane guy forever but I'm just enjoying it. So you felt like audiences almost perceived you differently? 100%. That's really interesting. And even actually coming back and talking about being a mum,

it's just such a warmer reaction from the crowd. It's crazy. I just feel like they really accept me and warm to me so much quicker knowing that I'm a mum. It's so difficult being pregnant. You psychologically, physically, everything is tough, isn't it? You know that you've got the pregnancy coming in, sorry, the labour coming in, or you're going to be a mum and all this stuff. So I think people are aware that there's a lot going on here.

And if someone's pregnant, you give up your seat or you let them in. You're aware that they sort of need slightly better treatment than someone who's not pregnant but also as well it does it being pregnant is quite funny isn't it yeah do you know what i mean you've just got a massive bump and inside it it's a tiny baby i didn't find roads found it hilarious i know but no that's the thing about pregnant women they don't find it hilarious but it is quite funny, isn't it, having a little baby in your belly all the time? That's a funny concept, isn't it? How often did you say that to Lou, Rob?

Never. I'm actually nervous about her hearing this. But if you turn the tables, if a bloke just had a little baby in his belly for nine months, a lady would laugh, wouldn't they, Kelly? Do you think it's funny? Yeah, Junior was a good film. No, I'll tell you what,

when people look at you when you're pregnant, the one thing that other women that have had babies say, they are not respectful. They don't think about it. They come up to you and they want to tell you their horror stories about how they got... Oh, mate, never even met them before. Are you ready for the birth?

You ready? Because that one, see that one over there, pointing at their kid, they're like, before Are you ready for the birth? You ready? Because that one, see that one over there Appointing their kids They're like, oh yeah, see that one That was a bloodbath, mate Oh God And I'm like, sorry Like, don't do anything

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah They can't wait to tell you their horror stories And I'd seen my sister give birth twice, actually Was you there? Yeah, I was her birthing partner For both of her children wow i talk about this in my stand-up because it's like you know like it it's kind of

it's it's meant i mean you've seen it did you go down the business end no i was there i very much stayed up the uh well i don't know what the opposite of the business end is the leisure end yeah like they basically they were like can you just go in like take your sister's feet like so like push up into her feet so when she put for when she pushes so i went down to the bed and i was like pushing up into her feet and then like i like looked up and there it was and it was like a demogorgon, like, it was like the biggest thing I've ever seen. I've never, I didn't, I mean, what, how, it's massive. It's like, I've never, it's like, I didn't even think that it could get that big.

Or she's got a massive one, I don't know. But it grows to the size of, like, I don't even know. Like, I say myself, it's like, the only way I can describe it is that, you know, if you stare into a light for too long, every time you close your eyes, it's all you can see. Like, that's what. Now, when I close my eyes, I can see it's my sister's badge. And then when you open them, you see your dad getting milk.

It's terrible. You need therapy, Kelly. I think I do. I think I i do this has been like therapy for me i think like just getting it all off my chest well the other thing you can get off your chest which may be helpful is um the one thing that annoys you about bruce's parenting is there something that he's doing that's annoying you kelly that if he listened to this he could potentially change his ways oh do you know what i what? I love that man, but my God. He's like the safety bear.

Like safety first, safety first. This is a man that made me at the age of 34 wait for the fucking green man. I love that man. He's an absolute hunk. He's literally like, wait for the green man. I'm like, what? There's no cars coming. He's an absolute hunk. He's literally like, wait for the green man. I'm like, what? There's no cars coming.

He's that safety bit. So with Bea, it is like safety, safety, safety. And because I'm with her all day in that, I'm a little bit more relaxed, like a little bit more like, you know, whatever, like she's fine, she'll be all right. But it's with the feeding, the feeding. So he'd be like, is that cut up enough? Is that soft enough?

I'm like, babe, it's mashed potato. He's like, it's fine. He's always, I mean, it's a very cute thing that it's on all the time. It's like safety, safety, safety, safety, safety. Is she buckled in? So I think that's one thing about him that is annoying, that, yeah, he's controlling. It's a big word to end on that, isn't it?

But I think we're going to stick with it. I know. Sophie, Sophie there. You wait to him. He'll be letting her play with matches the next time you come home going, yeah, happy now. Taking a few more risks, are we, Kelly? Well, you're smashing it, Kelly. Good luck

with it. Good luck with the rest of the tour with Alan. Send him our love and we'll speak to you soon. As soon as he has a kid, we'll have more. Thank you, boys. Cheers. Thanks, Kelly. Bye. Kelly Convey. There we go. She seems in a very good place for ten months.

Yeah, she was, though, sat on the floor of her kid's bedroom next to a radiator, hunched over a laptop with a microphone propped on a pillow. Yeah. The vision didn't match the energy. No, exactly, exactly. I was hoping the dog was going to pounce on her at some point. I've met that dog, and he's a fucking unit

see you on Tuesday guys bye see you on Tuesday