Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP17: Tears At Drop-Off

Episode Date: September 20, 2022

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Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC cashback mastercard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will. Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card, and he's done it. Oh, clicky click, magic trick.

The clicker around the room. You guys just about finished. Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight worthy with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Ellie, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett.

And Josh Widdicombe And Josh Widdicombe. Josh Widdicombe. Well done, honey. Aye, a wee bonnie lass. It's in Scotland. Yeah. A wee man. Yeah.

Well, not a wee man. A wee girl, but yes. A wee girl. A wee girl. A wee girl. A wee girl. This is Ellie, our 27-month-old daughter. What the fuck is that?

Two and a half. Two and is that? Two and a half. Two and a quarter. Two and a quarter. I couldn't do the maths. She's two years of age. Just say that. Who, despite being born in Edinburgh and having a Scottish mother and going to a Scottish nursery,

has exclusively picked up her father's Cambridgeshire accent. Has she? She might have picked it up and put it back in her pocket, but I don't think... I don't know whether I can tell an accent on a two-year-old i've never heard anyone from cambridgeshire talk loud enough to find an accent they are posh quiet people they laugh inside and then all not at all cambridge is a tough gig josh the old corn exchange oh god you know they've exchanged some corn in there back in the day oh my gosh you could hear

them exchanging the corn when I was on I can tell you that it was that quiet the ghosts of some corn exchangers how much corn do you need

to build a building to exchange it oh I've had some bad gigs in the Cambridge Corn Exchange they go well but it's just how

they enjoy themselves people from Cambridge yeah exactly we've got the pictures on should we turn the pictures off we never have the pictures on do we Cambridge Corn Exchange. They go well, but it's just how they enjoy themselves, people from Cambridge. Yeah, exactly, exactly. We've got the pictures on. Should we turn the pictures off? We never have the pictures on, do we? It looks weird. I'm just staring at you like it's a date.

Yeah, well, you know, in many ways. It is a bit of a date. So she's from Scotland and Cambridgeshire, that child. Thanks to Weekly Entertainment, a reminder that having two kids is a nightmare for everyone and not just us. Anna Hopkinson. Is that from the listener or you? Edinburgh.

No, I don't listen. Anymore, part of your recovery from being stressed. I don't listen back to every episode five times anymore. I know, exactly. It's really freed up the week. Rob? Yeah? Shall I tell you about my work?

How do you want to... Do you know what, Josh? I'm going to say we've had a bit of a slight break in recording just because I was in Vegas for a week working, I will add, with doing Rob and Romesh. And what goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas, which is problematic for you reporting a week, right? Well, yeah, and for the television show.

Yeah, of course. So we've got loads of great footage, but as you know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. So we filmed it all and left all the memory cards there. Yeah, of course. That's the right way to do it. Yeah. But I was going to say, you sound very chilled

because you were still a little bit antsy before I left because your daughter was just starting her first week of school. Yeah. How did the first four weeks go, Josh? Do you know what? Do you know what? I'd ban Rob. Do you know what I think is the most misleading?

You'd ban me? No, no, no. Do you know what I'd ban? Comma. Rob. Okay, thanks. The most misleading thing in parenting is the week when every fucking prick is putting a picture of their kid in front of their door, including myself and my wife on Instagram.

Your child, to make it clear. Yeah, your own child. Yeah, exactly. It makes you think first day of school is just this lovely event. But it's fucking brutal for the kids. I'm sorry, Josh. I just jumped. I forgot I had a dog. And then our dog just come out of a bush.

And I shit myself. You're not recording. You're recording. What, in your garden? Yeah. No, yeah. I mean, my office, I've've got a window looks out into the garden I just saw this

bush movie like something from a horror film and it's sort of like grey beast I was like what's that I was like oh yeah you've got a dog

I've been away are you in Vegas I can't tell you what happens in Vegas Steve's in Vegas no but I was there I've to be honest I landed this morning

at 8am so I'm and we're recording at 5pm on a Monday. So I'm a little bit wired. So I forgot, for a moment, I forgot I had a dog. And I saw one. Sorry, go on, Josh. It's just, it's a rollercoaster the first week, Rob.

Because day one's not the problem. Day one, she ran in, she had a lovely time. Bit of a novelty. Bit of a novelty. Day two, day three, are when they realise, oh, she ran in. She had a lovely time. Bit of a novelty. Bit of a novelty. Day two, day three, oh, and they realised, oh, this is it. Yeah. This is my life now.

For 14 years. For 14 more years. I didn't, I mean, I didn't hammer that home. But to, so day two was tears at drop-off. Day three was tears at drop-off. And you know all morning, the morning build-up to the tears at drop-off. Day three was tears at drop-off. And you know all morning. The morning build-up to the tears at drop-off is absolutely brutal. So how bad are the tears at drop-off?

Have they stopped now, then? She's sort of into week two. She's turned it round, thank God. But how bad were the tears at drop-off? So we started on the Wednesday. Thursday, bad. Bad. Taddo.

Pure, terrible Taddo. I'm going to call it Taddo. Tears at drop-off. Terrible Taddo. Terrible Taddo pure terrible Taddo I'm going to call it Taddo yeah tears at drop off terrible Taddo terrible Taddo Friday bad

but both good pick ups good pick ups good it would be weird if she was crying at pick up as well I think there's a deeper problem yeah then you're in serious trouble tears at dinner time

tears at bedtime tears at she's crying non stop she's enjoying school it's the other bit yeah it's when I'm there yeah that's why there's tears

that drop off I won't leave fuck off crap in my style um weekend comes obviously that sets her back because it gets you used to

back to a normal real life if you know what I mean and then on now the bank holiday for the funeral oh and she loves the queen how's your daughter taken all this?

She was very clear that she thinks kings are boring. Yes, when we told our kids, it was like, oh, you know, the Queen's died. And my youngest went, did they chop her head off? Oh, my God. Because she's been, because she likes the... Of course she's been reading history and all that kind of... No, no, but she likes the musical soundtrack.

So she's been learning about Henry VIII from the Beheadings. That's incredible. I'll be honest with you. She didn't care as much as I worried she would. Right, okay. Because when it happened, I thought, this is not the week for this to happen. She was more Holly and Schofield rather than David Beckham.

Yes, she was very much Holly and Schofield rather than David Beckham, yeah. So, week two. She's got a mate now. She's got a vet. It's very quick. Actually, this happened on the first week, day three. Suddenly she says, I've got a best friend.

And you're like, what in one day? And those kids have been saying it about her. And you're like, you two are super keen jumping into this. Yeah. You sort of want her to have a friend and be like, don't just take any old riffraff. Shop around, you know. I'm absolutely delighted because it really solved the problem.

And she gets on brilliantly with her friend, best friend. But you are like, are these two, is this it now for six years? Are you best friends now? No, they will fall out and hate each other for the most stupid reason. Oh, God, no, please not. Please, no, I can't deal with that. No, it's like a revolving door of,

do you want so-and-so to come round? No, I don't like her. Why not? Oh, she was in front of me for the queue for lunch. Okay, I don't think that's how friendships work. All right, no, not then, because she took the purple and I was colouring in. I don't, she's not my friend anymore.

And then it changes every week. This week has been stressful. I'll be honest. It was very stressful. But she's really now, she's loving it. Yeah. She actively likes school.

That's good. Do you know what I like, Rob? Yeah. The commute and drop off. Because I'm driving. It's 20 mins. Yeah. That 20 mins drive home, that's me time yes i've

been waiting for this for four years 20 minutes of me time what are you doing in the break it down for me the 20 mins what am i doing well i'm eyes on the road obviously just to be very clear yeah big joint and the roof down exactly pop hobson bob Marley roll a big fat one I tell you what mate I get back for those last leg meetings some of my ideas are blowing their minds

this guy is baked where do you get your ideas from Josh is this crazy like crazy guy so what are you doing podcast just music

or silence and staring? Podcast or radio. Fair enough, yeah. Who's your radio of choice in the morning? Well, it's either six music or radio two, depending on my mood. Oh, well, this is one of the problems. So she insists on an exclusive Paw Patrol music policy on the way there. Oh, really?

That is brutal. Which, do you know what if it was hey dougie it'd be fine because there's a string of songs poor patrol aren't big in the pop music market they've only got five songs and they're all a minute long yeah so over 20 minutes i'm doing four rotations of five songs i listened to the pupt boogie 20 times last week. Now I need a bit of stress. Well, also as well, so it's stressful for you because Rose can't drive.

You're having, so you always do it and if Rose does it, she has to get like a bus or something. Yeah, but do you know what? For the first week,

I didn't want to not do it if that makes sense. And now, now we reach the reality of the honeymoon period of the commute is gone. Yeah, so you're a bit bored of the um the honeymoon period of the commute is gone yes you're a bit bored of the me time well i'd like that me time maybe three or four times a week yeah rather than a 10 rather than 10 yeah other than 10 well i find the worst tados we experienced in the first

year was we used to walk um our daughter to school and then some days when we was busy or it was raining we'd sometimes drive because they have like a drop off you can drive into the school drop off and drive out it's sort of quite clever little one-way system um and then the first time we did that was like just jump out and she just didn't know what was going on and it blew her head and then we had to pull over we had to get her out it was absolutely tadoe times 10 and um but she's used to that now but it's just it's anything it's just settling into it and getting used to it well we also were doing the settling of our son at nursery oh god same week that's not ideal is it so we were getting double tados right we were getting drop her off tados yeah yeah walk up the road three minutes drop him off incredible tada extreme too young to understand

awful and you're just like after that you're like i mean absolutely shaken yeah it is horrible it's like something from a film when they get separated you know like in a disaster movie and it's really busy and then people are like passing kids along and then all that and they're getting separated and you feel guilt oh it's horrible and there was a slight issue between me and rose i should say in our approach to these situations yeah okay what's what's the what's the problem so when it was going badly at the start the first 48 hours when it was going badly yeah you left him there for 48 hours no no with her sorry her first two days oh, with her, sorry. Her first two days. Oh, at school. Sorry, right. Yeah, yeah.

Her first two days at school. She's not in boarding school. She's been there for 48 hours now. I just couldn't be bothered to pick her up. I've had enough of the pup pup boogie.

It's been warm out. People are queuing through the night. She can stand there for a night. Exactly, exactly. So it was going badly. Yeah.

The second drop off was particularly bad. We were thinking this is, you know, when you're like, oh God, this is awful. She's going to hate school, blah, blah, blah. I am of the attitude. You've got to be positive in these situations. It'll all be fine. Yeah.

Yeah. Because you can't prove it to them. You just have to be, yeah, we're all good. And then once they get in there, they'll be, they'll be loving it. Rose is of the attitude. This is just between me and Rose, so I was of the attitude. You've got to stay positive here. Can I say something, Josh?

I'm worried if you're the positive one. Yeah. Do you want to hear how negative Rose was? She wasn't just being negative about it, but she said, I really don't like it when people tell me it'll be fine. Her view was, it's really annoying if people tell me it'll be fine.

Which puts me in a very difficult position, Rob. Because then I've got two options, which is, say it's going to be awful. Yep. Or don't speak. I wouldn't speak. Yeah, well, that's what I had to go for, Rob. But then you'll get told off for not talking about it. Well, there's nothing I could do you know

yeah you can't because you know I think it's going to be awful today and I think our daughter's going to go and they'll be upset and I was going to talk to her and play over

is that what she wants is that what you want I don't know is that what you're looking for I don't know is that what you're looking for double down next time what do you mean

and say that yeah go like say okay I'm Rose right that would act like you're Rose okay okay it'll be fine Rose

no it's not going to be fine and it just makes it worse when're Rose, OK? OK. It'll be fine, Rose. No, it's not going to be fine. And it just makes it worse when you're just telling me it's going to be fine. And that's of no use. Do you know what, Rose? I think you're right. I just think our daughter's going to go in there and have an awful time, and it's our fault, and we're forcing her to go in there alone and cry all day. Yeah, you're right, Rose.

So what should we do while we wait for her to come out after that awful day? That's... Do you know what? That's what I'm going to do next time. Just to see what she says. Yeah. Do you know what? You're right.

I'm just going to sit here and think about that for three hours. I'm going to imagine every scenario, whatever our daughter's doing, and it'd be horrible for us. That's the worst thing about it, Rob. It's the first time you feel completely helpless because they're in school. Do you know what I mean? There's nothing you can do. And you're having that sort of under-your-breath conversation

about it in the car while it's all kicking off, and you're now en route to your second Taddo drop-off. Oh, my God, yeah. So how bad was he? Was he just clinging on? Yeah, he was pretty bad. He was very bad. Within 48 hours of him starting

nursery he's got a cold is he off? no but he's snotty nose and he's like oh yeah here we go this is my life now for the next year just cold in the shits every 5 days oh god

he'll be fine though it's alright though isn't it it's going to be fine. But I can say that to you, Rob, without fear that you're going to throw it back at me. Here come the carrots making their way upfield, followed by the whole wheat bread, over to the two dozen eggs.

Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard. Oh, and the broccoli boots it over the line. What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please. Make every purchase a win

with the BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard with up to 5% cashback on your purchases in your first three months. Terms and conditions apply. But yeah, I get what Rose means, though. When people say that, it is annoying, isn't it? But it is the truth. I need i need to be going it'll be fine otherwise i can't deal with it well do you know what it's not it'll be fine i just completely switch off and i go so for example when i was coming back from vegas um from for work i did stay one extra day to see the boxing

but i was coming back and then lou lou said oh our eldest one she got really high temperature she got a sore throat she's at 38.5 degrees or whatever i'm gonna um and all the everything's shut because it's sunday and then it's the queen's funeral the next day um i'm gonna take i'm gonna take her to urgent care to you know try and get some antibiotics or something so in the past i would have been flooded with stress i'll be ringing lou what can i do can i do and i'd be thinking what can i do should i ring my mum to come up and but on all these things and i'd sit on the plane like festering with stress and worry in as a roundabout way of going like yeah but i'm i care this shows i care but actually i'm just getting so worked up and it doesn't help anyone and then i just basically went okay well lou's a grown adult she's in charge of that i'm just gonna not think about it now because it's

not worth it's a waste of time thinking and obviously when I get wi-fi I'll text her and see what's going on but you can't work yourself up so you just sort of have to tap out of it tap turn your brain off exactly but I'm glad it's settled down yeah it's good and she's loving school she's she's a nerd Rob I've got a terrible feeling she's a nerd well your daughter that's a good thing isn't it yeah she's already yeah she's already into the following telling us which rules you have to follow yeah but that's what you want you don't want some sort of feisty gentleman kicking off like she's from geordie shore like no one tells me what to do exactly i don't know she's a man i'll be honest with you i'm delighted that we've got we've got on our hands an absolute rule follower she's she's like oh you know my teacher

says you do this. But one of my journeys home, she was just listing all of the different rules of school and absolutely loving it. And you're like... My eldest did that. She came home and printed off a little... Well, they gave her a print off of what day is like PE, what day is homework and stuff like that.

And she stuck it on her door and said, so we don't forget. and she stuck it on her door and said so we don't forget however though something from the podcast got back to her at school josh oh no is that the first time that's the first time so she got upset in bed i was at work and lou told me basically you know the magic thing where she sort of ended up poking my daughter in the eye when they were doing a magic trick remember that yeah she was poking through the cardboard box and then she said um she went she doesn't understand what it is. She went, Daddy, why did you post it? Why did you post it?

I went, what? She went, on the pock, on the pock cast. The pock cast. Oh, no. This is how this all starts. Yeah, I know. And I was like, oh, God, Josh is going to panic when he hears this. I was like, what happened?

He said, well, he said at school, the girl at school said that I hurt my sister and everyone knows about it because of the podcast. And I was only playing. I didn't want to hurt her. Oh, no. Oh, God. I don't want to be famous for hurting my sister. Oh, my God.

There's a lot to unpack here. Oh, my God. How did you feel at that point? I thought, what's this fucking dickhead parent telling the kid for? And I know. And I know what kid it is. I'm not going to name and shame. But I know a grass when I see a fucking grass.

So I'll be having words. I'll put a two-footer on him at football when I see him. Unbelievable. Don't grass me up to the kid. But, yeah, that was. Oh, God. That would have set me sideways a few years ago, though. But now I'm a bit more chilled about it but because also as well this i feel like the worst

parent ever at the moment i feel really but i'm trying to not beat myself up about it because i had to be 16 days in vegas no i i was supposed to be leaving saturday morning but i left sunday morning so i could go and watch the boxing i've always wanted to go to vegas to see a fight and the way i sold it to lou was look if i go now i'm only away for an extra day whereas if i go to a vegas fight it's at least four days yeah so if anything i'm saving you time yeah yeah that which was but also she yeah i'm also having to book her a girl's trip away so it sort of wasn't a full and that's more than one day but i don't want to get bogged down on days because even though i was there for work days but anyway so when i go to australia at the end of the year i i basically come back the day after

my oldest thought was birthday oh no so but when we were booking it in i was like if i do that then i can go to new zealand and it's really good from a career point of view to do australia and new zealand and build an audience then i can go back and it's good it's you know you've got to make sure that you you know you're building it's my job right you know and um anyway i'll come back on that there's no point me rushing back to get home to literally see her for half an hour and she goes to school yeah because that's what we did last year and like it was a bit of a pointless day off i was just sat there waiting to pick her up and then in the end so it was a bit of a waste and i was like well if i get back the day after then she's her parties at the weekend then i can see her and then oh mate i told i was talking about it and i was like well i'm not going to be here for your actual birthday just to chat over

dinner but i'll be there for your party and she's she honestly mate she held my hands and looked me in the eye and went but daddy you're not going to be there for my birthday and then somehow a single tear came out of her eye oh my god and i just like this is this is this can't be happening this cannot be real and i was just like i felt like you know like the horrible dad in a film yeah oh my god it crushed me and i was like floundering trying to explain and then the next minute she was running around not caring and i was like i don't know if she i was like oh fuck this is bad isn't it this is a bad one but she But she didn't... I literally spoke to her for about 10 minutes for her birthday the year before

and then that was the big party, but... Yeah, exactly. They don't care if you're at their birthday. It's fine. It's fine. It's a one-off. And it's like, oh, God. Is it?

Building that Australian audience back there next year going, this is for my career. No, but it was the only way I could do it. You know, I could come back, but it's always been my dream to watch an Aussie rules game in melbourne and it's just an extra day for the extra day i just love men in vests kicking oh god yeah i felt really bad to be honest but yeah but like you know a lot of people that happens to a lot of people who work but yeah that

tingle tear that came out i was like she if she has to move part of me i don't think she really cares but this is peak manipulation here yeah do you know what i realized when i landed from vegas because of that australia tour i've got um i think 12 more flights this year bloody hell bro it's been so it's showing the planet oh god yeah and they're all private jets Oh, God, yeah. And they're all private jets. Of course they are, Rob. You are who you are.

I am who I am. Just a man that doesn't care about his kids' birthdays, flying around the world, disappointing sometimes tens of people in theatres in Australia, building an audience. Building an audience. Starting from the ground up again. I've lost money and my child hates me.

Great businessman. Take that to Dragon's Den. But no, I'm sure we'll be fine. You should definitely just clarify, there will be people thinking that you are getting a private jet to Australia. No, I'm not getting a private jet to Australia. That would be absolute lunacy. That would probably be £100,000. I've got no idea.

I've never got... There's a plane for 200 people in Canberra. Have my sales gone up? Have you heard something? Wow, good. I must have really broke from the Canberra circuit. What else? Oh, Lou's got a couple of other things.

Sorry, did you have more about your week, Josh? I think I'm caffeined up, jet lag. I mean, that school thing was really, that's been our week. I won't, you want you to carry on. I can tell you about going to the Clapton Jumble Trail anytime, Rob. Okay, well, maybe let's build to that. It's something for people to keep listening, because we all get to it. Yeah, don't you worry about it.

Keep that cliffhanger. The other thing is my six-year-old's a school counsellor. Well, on the school council. I don't think she's a school counsellor. Oh, yeah, not a counsellor. So they have representatives for each year. And what's happened with you being the guy who is on the main organising committee?

Oh, mate, I'm the class rep. I'm official. I'm official now. Have you done anything? Have you done anything? Yeah, I've done something. So basically, there was... Because I'm on it with my class rep assistants.

Yeah, yeah. I've hired a couple of guys that sort of take over when I'm um pissed up at the boxing or at works up you know in a busy meeting working vegas yeah yeah yeah um anyway so um i'm i've got two things so one it was a part of like i oh well that actually there was a message about the school fireworks i forgot to forward on but uh mario picked up the pieces big up mario my man mazza um anyway so that one and then the other one was I introduced myself to the teacher I emailed her and said hi I'm the class rep this

year Rob Beckett good to meet you um and uh anything you need uh passing on let me know but just wanted to introduce myself and she said oh that's great that's perfect timing actually of course it is I'm a great class rep um she said that's great timing because um please can all the children bring in their year one planners because i need to double check what books they've already read so i don't give them them again for year two and i copied that sent it to the parents group on whatsapp and then at the bottom a little meme of um a man with sunglasses on doing a thumbs up with um mission accomplished just to like you know yeah yeah keep it light Keep it light. Keep it light and fresh. So, yeah, at the moment, I've got no complaints

and neither have the class or the school. So I look at that as a win-win. That's good. That's good. And how's your daughter doing? She's still crying most days when I see her. But apart from that, all the admin's getting done. No, she's all right.

Someone's like, oh, I haven't got the planner anymore. I've recycled that. What should we do? And I was like, I'm not going to ask to the teacher that I think I've got to make a judgement call on what gets asked I think we'll find out about that next week you don't want to get bogged down in admin I think that's that person's problem

at the end of the day they're going to have to deal with it you can't be the go between on minor rule infringements I'm a macro messenger I look at the bigger picture and then those guys can go direct if they need. That's how I run my ship, Josh. Exactly.

You don't need to be dealing with, can this put... Because that's not going to go back to the teacher. That's going to go forward and back three times and you can't be doing that. Yeah, so basically I'm going to do my best and if it all goes wrong, I'll just put a couple hundred quid

in some sort of parents association thing at the end of the year and then everyone will think I'm a legend. That's basically the best way my best, and if it all goes wrong, I'll just put a couple hundred quid in some sort of parents' association thing at the end of the year, and then everyone will think I'm a legend. That's basically the best way around it, isn't it? Yeah, no, school council, she has to do a little speech in front of her classmates why she should be on the school council, and then they voted, and she won the vote, and she was buzzing. But what she started doing was booking appointments. So me and Lou weren't allowed to talk to her

unless we booked an appointment to talk to her as a representative of the school council so she's is this the older one or the younger one the older one yeah yeah

and oh I bought I've taught them both to ride bikes oh yeah yeah yeah I saw the video I saw the video six year old and a four year old

learnt at the same time two days of hell my back how many hours are you putting in so the first time we did it we did it

for about an hour or so and then we left it a we did it, we did it for about an hour or so. And then we left it a week. Then we went back and did it about another hour or so. The six-year-old got it. Four-year-old was halfway there. Did another hour or so today. And yeah, the four-year-old got it. So they can start and stop themselves and go.

Great. So it's really good. So that was fun. But on my back, I was walking. You must feel a real weight off your shoulders there. Yeah. No pun intended. No,

because I did say I had to do it by the end of the year, but honestly, mate, I was like a question mark. My back, my posture was awful. How do you hold the bike? Cause I'm,

I'm currently, we've taken the stabilizers off. We're still, we're still in the garden. We've got to go to the park. Yeah. I can't wait. Are you straddling over both handlebars? No. i'm doing is first of all i'm i'm teaching them

how to break yeah so even if they just push along with their legs yeah and then and um push along there and then when they want to break okay if you want to break you press to press to break obviously but then so they can then they feel safe it depends i've got i've got an adrenaline junkie and someone that's a bit, a bit more like composed and a bit slower to learn. So one, I had to teach to slow down and then one had to teach to break. And I had to teach one not to break.

Cause she used to break all the time. Right. Yeah. Um, but yeah, so, um, I was,

I'll get them going. I'll just hold the seat with my right hand and keep it like them from wobbling. And then sort of just hold it until they're not wobbling and then let go and then they cycle off and you hope they don't fall but at the start i was running alongside to catch them because they were falling off but then after a while i don't know what it is you just get a feeling that they've got it and then you let go yeah and then they're belting it around didn't take that long no it was more in my head that was going to be a bigger problem but yeah um but yeah but i think

my six-year-old wouldn't have learned as a four-year-old yeah but i think the young one always follows the older one so yeah it might be worth waiting or but i reckon you're what i would say is well if you start on a little hill not a massive hill but a slight one then they're not thinking about the acceleration or the pedaling right and then that gives them a little bit of a boost send them down a hill because the faster they are the easier it is but yeah i mean i wouldn't go i wouldn't you know not san francisco style no gradient but a little out in san francisco for a couple of weeks working soon won't you yeah gotta watch the 49ers lou i've always wanted to watch the 49ers no you'll you'll be glad to know that i'm filming next week in Kent, East London and Alexandra Palace.

Oh, there we go. Very easy to get to. Yeah. Do you want to hear about the Clapton Jumble Trail? Yeah, what is that? It's like a jumble sale. Yeah, you know what a jumble sale is, obviously. Yeah, it's sort of a boot sale at a school.

Yeah. But it's been donated for a cause. Now, they do it. You get a map of all the houses and people have stalls outside their houses so you kind of walk around the area like a yard sale like a yard sorry i spent a bit of time in america this year yeah of course you should have mentioned it um yeah so you walk around the stalls yeah and we decided to give our daughters five pounds and they they went out the blocks too fast oh no because they don't

quite realize also you suddenly realize everything's tat we're just acquiring more shit here yeah and also as well well you love a knick-knack don't you what you know there was no knick-knack except for grabs rob really what kind of stuff was it she's got like a unicorn. Oh, old toys. Yeah, old toys. A unicorn, a koala, a brooch she's never going to wear. Two quid on a brooch. She's got all that for a fiver? Yeah, 50p for the unicorn, 50p for the koala, the brooch. I can't even remember what the other stuff you've got. I don't think I've bought anything for 50p in about eight years.

I know, but people want rid of this shit. They'll say it's 50p, and then you're like, oh, I'm not sure, and they're like, you can have it for free. And you're like, I don't want it. I don't want this stuff in my house. But we spent four hours doing the Jumble Trail. That's a long time. Was it fun?

Absolutely brutal. It was fun. At points, we'd acquire children of other parents who then have to go and do stuff and suddenly you're babysitting another child for a bit. Basically, you're either trying to make them not walk in the middle of a road or trying to not make them buy shit on a stool.

That was what we were doing for four hours, basically. And how many kids did you have under your watch at any one time? We got up to four at one point. Just you? and another dad but they kind of they came and went it was quite kind of fluid it was quite kind of liquid you know and it was it's quite a weird day if i'm honest with you yeah you do sort of it's quite there's a lot more wholesome things to do where you live like community spirit kind of things all that well i'll just chuck them in a soft play and sit there having a coffee you do much i'd kill for that rob wait four hours but the thing is we we go to the park i i do that i think you go to that park too much do you think rob one weekend not this weekend last weekend when rose was. I did the park four times.

Four times in two days. Morning, afternoon, and then morning and afternoon. Have you got children or dogs? Honestly, mate. They love it still. Boys need running. This is what I've turned at. He brings me my shoes.

Like a dog. He just wants to go to the park the whole time really my daughter if you never if i never mentioned the park tour again we would never go to she's never brought up the park once in in four years on this planet really yeah she'll enjoy it if you go let's go to the park is park obsessed it is absolutely saturday morning his nap then saturday afternoon park park park park park park park park park awful and he's fine can he climb on the toys on the yeah he's totally fearless totally fearless he's doing so he's doing things that she didn't do until she was about three or four. Yeah. Partly because he's seen her do them, I think. But, like, we went on this balance bridge today,

and you were like, I can't even remember if she's ever done that. So is he more like Rose, and is Rose a bit more like that than you? Because you're a bit more chill. No, he's like neither. No, Rose is more cautious in the park than i am no i thought his head was quite loose in the that's not the word that's not the right word that's not that's not acceptable on this podcast rob come on now save that for our whatsapp group no but no but like sorry like relaxed and like quiet yeah whatever cool you know no i'm i'm i would say all right maybe

rose will dispute this i am way more relaxed about them doing dangerous shit wow i'd never i'd i thought you'd be the main warrior do you know what it's it's out of character that isn't it yeah but like even like stuff in the house like you know turning upside down on the sofa and jumping off and all that kind of stuff i Yeah. I'm all right with that. Whereas Rose gets nervous about it. Yeah. Can you imagine that? So I'm like, hey, I'll be fine.

Can you imagine me being that one? And how have you been? You've been a bit more relaxed. You seem really in a really good place and very chilled, which is always good news. Good and bad, Rob. Good and bad. So I've really combated the anxiety for a variety of things no i'm joking i'm joking i was trying to reinforce some anxiety

no are you sure you have oh i'll have you just a little seed okay if you think so so you've been doing like the character of j Whitacombe for this podcast. So I've done various things that we, I won't bore you with them, but then the only thing really left is my sleeping is fucked. Yeah. I basically, I think the anxiety brought on this mental block about going to bed and then the anxiety's gone and it's just been

I've just been left with this thing so last night I was falling asleep in front of a documentary about, I mean it was quite interesting but I was knackered and the moment I got into my room I was just wide awake and I couldn't get to sleep until 1am. That's the worst

isn't it? What doesn't help is as a comedian the work pan's not ideal. Because you've got to remember, every Friday you go on live telly at 10, so you have a massive adrenaline dump. So even at the start of COVID, I kept on getting really sleepy on the sofa at 8 or 7 o'clock at night. But then when it got to 8 o'clock when I was on stage, I'd be, like, well awake.

That's a good point, Rob. That's a good point. So I need to quit my job you need to go look Rose I'm going to go sleep at 1-2 you get up with the kids see you at 11 yeah okay

that's good yeah yeah yeah that's fine I want you to do three things tell Rose everyone thinks she's loose one that it won't be fine and it's just going to be absolutely dreadful and then that she now has to be in charge of the children

from 7am to 11 to 11 a.m yeah just let me know how that goes okay i'll let you know how how loose she feels after those pieces of information have been passed on i could i couldn't i couldn't sleep it was so it was like a sitcom i couldn't sleep when i was i basically went to bed um saturday night and i was flying back sunday morning in in in Vegas the time zone's mental so like I was going to bed about midnight

and that's like 8am in the morning 7am in the morning so how are you going to adapt back to this I don't know mate I feel alright at the moment but it's not bedtime yet

is it and but the problem was so I had set my alarm to go up at like 7am Las Vegas time but that means like

from midnight to 7am is like the day time in the UK so I had my phone on loud so the alarm would go off but then my whatsapp woke me up and i was like okay we'll turn notifications off on that and then everyone's alive and what's happening and then i've got an email oh that's good so that then i got woken up and every time i woke up i had to turn off another notification then the ring door i thought this is absolutely and then i was like what the fuck's this noise? And he's like,

because I normally have it on silent. And I was like, B-reels going off. I'm fucking... Oh, someone's messaged you on TikTok. What? I didn't even know I had that on. Just all these different sounds.

I was like getting heckled by my phone. It was so funny. So what time is it for you now? What is Vegas time? It's now currently morning in Vegas. So time in Vegas... So the challenge for you is getting to sleep tonight.

Uh, yes, basically. Welcome to my life. Time in Vegas is 10 a.m. Oh my word. And it's 6 p.m. now. Yeah,

fair enough. So I might be at one a week. Yeah, I'll drop you a text. Yeah, I'll be at, yeah, so that's good.

I'm getting picked up at 8 a.m. tomorrow morning, um, to go, uh, to Alexander Palace and do ice skating with Romesh that's what you want to be doing jet lagged

is that work or play? I don't have a Tuesday morning skate session with Romesh I've enjoyed this but we're always bloody working together why don't we take some time out and do something that we want to do do something we want to do

instead of all these silly things doing magic tricks I'm so tired I'm so tired oh one other thing I don't know if this, I've been giving Lou banter about this but I think it's actually a good idea Lou has got an old woman's trolley

what do you mean? one of those? Oh, no. What, one of those tartan ones? Yeah. It's black, but yeah, you know, like the old woman's shopping trolley. No, that's not...

Rob, under the spark, go. You are six months away from us suggesting two single beds. Part of it is, like, obviously now I've got this thing thing this block in my head that the going to bed in my own bed is stressful rose's mom was like why don't you just go to sleep on the sofa you're like that's not a long-term solution it is for some people yeah i know but but i'm like i'm now thinking i said to rose do you remember when I was sleeping the other way up

Rob in our bed yeah you were top and tailing yeah I might have to default back to the other way up just to try and reset

my mind maybe you're like a sand clock thing you know when it tickles down yeah I'm toying tonight

with doing top and tail with Rose just to try and reset my mind back to something different imagine that what are you doing down there Josh where's your head I just to try and reset my mind back to something different. Imagine that. What are you doing down there, Josh? Where's your head?

I'm just trying to reset my mind, Rose. I've just Googled old woman to find old woman trolley and there's just loads of photos, obviously, of old women. But there's a couple of women on there that I'd be absolutely livid if it was me. She had about 50. Right, old woman trolley. So she's got one of them old woman trolleys, right?

Can you talk me through her decision? Did she do this while you were in Vegas? Right, yeah. What in two different lives you're leading? She's walking along the street with her trolley. She's a bit worried about me in Vegas with all the ladies, so she's got a bit sexy while I've been gone to try and keep me on my toes.

No, when she had her appendix out, she was in the shops. No, it's fine.ix out she was in the shops no it's fine no she was in the shops in bromley and she forgot she had to pick something up that's quite heavy and she couldn't carry it so she went and got it for like 10 quid it's really cheap like a little got it from like the pound shop or something like that really cheap one um and she used it to bring the stuff back and she's been sat by the front door i need to put in the garage anyway she only got the girls from school and um she had to and then she was and they had a play date and a friend coming back she was like well i don't want to carry all the bags and all the coats and all

that so she took it up there because then it was three backpacks three coats and a tennis racket because they may add tennis at lunch and she's just it's much easier carrying it back and it is because it's that's much better isn't it then oh but this is how it starts rob but it is i do think it is a better option yeah in the back well i mean really if it wasn't for the stigma attached to it maybe we maybe this is it sexy maybe this is maybe this is our first bit of parenting hell merch is we try and relaunch the old woman trolley. For the school run. For the school run. And I think it would be good if you could have a thing

where you could clip on scooters to it. Yes. Oh, yes. So when they get bored of the scooter, you could just clip it, like, to the back of it. Because that's what you miss when you lose the pram. Yes. When you take the pram to the bloody park,

yeah, you've got the bottom bit. It's actually really useful. When the pram's gone, you're suddenly carrying everything. Exactly. And so the old woman trolley is a replacement for the pram. And what about a little buggy ball step on it so younger ones could stand on the back of it? Yes, there we go.

Well, let's, I mean, we have to get to the design. Do you think Lou's now fully locked in with that old woman trolley forevermore? Yeah, so what do I need to tell? So you've got to tell Rose that. So do you want about her and it'll be fine stuff. So do you want me to tell Lou that she's getting a bit old and she's not sexy anymore and now she's got an old woman trolley? Yeah, I think that'd

be good, yeah. Maybe you could get the old woman trolley involved in some kind of role play that you could do. Okay, so lingerie and a Big Mac for the school run, high heels and the old woman trolley. The old woman trolley full of Johnnies. To the brim with Johnny.

And to the point there's no space for the kids' bags, just to try and sex it up. Oh, shall we do a quick bit of admin before the... What admin we got? So, Rob. Yeah. There's been a few developments i think i think i might be joining tiktok yes great news yeah so i've got to decide on my first tiktok rob i'm gonna leave that in your hands i think you should eat the spicy dorito and i think

you should do the sprite challenge with me okay shall i do that so that'll be my first tiktok when we're doing book promo because we've. Okay. Shall I do that? So that'll be my first TikTok. When we're doing book promo, because we've got time together, let's do that and film that. Okay. We'll do that. Good. Also, two events you can come. Yes.

On the subject of book promo, these are the events. You can come and meet us in Bluewater Shopping Centre on the 6th of November at 1pm. We're doing a book sign-in. Waterstones. Does the fact it's Waterstones outweigh the fact it's Bluewater? No, mate. You're in for a treat. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Don't you need to come tooled up? I'm not going to bring my old woman shopping trolley, I'll tell you that. Is that Bluewater? Bluewater's not that bad. You'll be alright. Is it not? No, you'll be fine. I've never been. It's alright. It's better than Lakeside. For a fact. Oh, right. London, and also to counter the Bluewater book signing, London Literature Festival.

Oh, yeah. Stiffen your neck, guys. It comes around soon, doesn't it? It only feels like yesterday I was out there as a punter, but look at me now. I've always dreamed.

It's when dreams of a child comes true. Apparently, it's a really good festival. Have you been? Yeah, three days. Off my my face absolutely loved it absolutely a big old fucking piss up chatting about oxford commas yeah do we even need them um anyway so sunday the 30th of october 8 p.m queen elizabeth hall south bank center tickets 25 quid i think you get a book with that you get a book with that so you might as well do it,

because it's like a fiver more than the book. And you get to hear us. And you get to hear us. And we're going to be interviewed by someone. Yes. A special, exciting guest will interview us. A.K.A. Not Confirmed Yet. Not Confirmed.

Yeah. Not Confirmed. Right. Do you want to do a... Oh, I've got a good... I should say one more thing on the book. Should we say because I don't think

we promoted it again was the if you want your child to do the chapter titles the chapter titles do I have them here probably not

oh don't worry but we can they'll be in the if you go to the episode information yeah go to the episode information get your child to record

one of the chapter titles we'll use a different child for each one like we do at the go to the episode information. Get your child to record. One of the chapter titles will use a different child for each one like we do at the start of the episode. Yes. Go to the show info. Email them in, not to us, but to the email address of Bonnier Books. The thing with Bonnier on is the book.

Oh God, they're quite laxed admin from us, but I think that was good. Yeah, that's why people like us. Okay, right, should we do a small business shout-out? We've got loads of good correspondence. We'll do that Friday. Yeah, I look forward to that. Here we go.

Here we go. Hi there. Love the podcast, and I've been listening since day one. Keep up the great work bringing a dose of reality to everyday parenting. Okay, wanted to send you a message. Oh, yeah, loads of reality. You know when you keep getting woken up by notifications in Vegas

when you're not looking after your kids? I've lost my touch. Maybe I am too sexy for this show. It's a worry. It is a worry. So this is from Warm Spaces Project. Wanted to send you a message about a project we have started in response to the cost of living crisis.

We are creating a map of warm banks across the UK for people to find warm spaces if they aren't able to heat their homes. It could be a coffee shop with a few spare seats, community centres, churches, co-working spaces, anywhere with heat to spare. Would love a mention to spread the word. Thanks, Jason in Norwich. So that's www.warmspaces.org, Instagram warm.spaces.project,

Twitter warm underscore spaces. so it's a very good cause leading into winter and it starts to get a bit colder and the cost of living crisis gets a bit worse very yeah so good on you follow this one isn't it okay what is it for some some shit i'm now trying to choose choose something that says... Fucking Wendy's bracelets started up. As good as possible. Wendy has started to do a fucking bracelet, actually. Well, this geezer in Norwich is keeping people warm. Why don't you shove your bracelet up your arse, Wendy? With kooky pictures of owls on it.

Fuck off. Oh, yeah, definitely get on warm spaces and everyone suggest somewhere that's near them. Because if you've got a little coffee shop or somewhere, I looked at the website basically just got a map they've got a place in southampton place in norwich a couple of churches or if you've got or a coffee shop or a little side room that people could just pull up in or whatever um you can put it on this website it's really good website actually um sorry josh go and do your one i'm just trying to get i'm just trying to help people this winter so why don't you do your one well i'll try and we're trying

to help people over here okay Okay, yeah, yeah. Hi, Rob and Josh, you sexy, unrelatable couple of hunks. I like this guy. Yeah. Please will you give my amazing partner, Laura, a small business shout-out. Laura is 5'1.5 and was struggling to find good petite clothing that wasn't ASOS. So 18 months ago, she started The shortlist at Shop the Shortlist. Right.

With no fashion experience and doing everything herself, even the modelling, which she absolutely hates. Laura's doing an incredible job and I'm so proud. That's a tough gig, isn't it? Because if you don't want to model, and then you've got to do it yourself, and then you can't just sort of approach people in the street. Can you model for me?

Yeah, that is is you can't just yeah that's weird and what's it called short if the uh at shop the short list uh so if you're five foot four and under and bored of shopping at asos give the short list a go and support small independence we both love the show and you frequently have us in hysterics keep up the good work charlie in bristol yeah because they do because there's loads Of plus size clothing And loads of like You know like The high and mighty For like people

That are really tall Yeah But there isn't is there I think you're onto something Tell me about it You're not Well you're five foot six So you can't really

Get involved in this I can't buy jeans Without having them Turned up Rob Well I'd say Considering she doesn't Like doing the modelling She's doing a good job

Of modelling the clothes I'm on the website You can tell she's not a big fan she's got her eyes shut in most of them which good you know

she'll shut your eyes and it's not happening good on you but yeah good website buy some petite clothing is the right word

isn't it yes it is thank you very much for listening we will be back on Friday see you then