Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP19: You Sound Like You're Dying.... (The Hangover Special)

Episode Date: September 27, 2022

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want a chance for you child to read out the chapter headings in the Parenting Hell audiobook then send one (or more) of the following chapter titles to this email: [e-mail] Introduction Life Before Having A Baby Pregnancy Birth First Few Weeks Your Relationship Sleep Wee, Poo and Vomit Feeding Losing Your Social Life Discipline Holidays And Then There Were Two Entertaining Your Child Going To Nursery School Friendship Thanks Rob + Josh If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] BIG NEWS.... we're writing a book!  ⭐ All the stories we can’t tell on the podcast – in depth. ⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents) ⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them...   [e-mail] What's it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)? And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick? Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike. Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here:  https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBook Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Daisy, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Can you say sexy? Sexy.

Can you say relatable? Relatable. Oh, well, I mean, that's very cute, but I don't think we should get children to say sexy. No, we don't want children to say sexy. It's weird. It's a bit weird. I didn't like it.

Yeah. Even in that lovely Welsh Valleys accent, I'm going to say that's Ponty, Pontyprith. Outskirts of Cardiff. Ponty Lynn. Ponty Tin. Ponto Tin. Ponto Tin.

How do you spell in that you're hung over aren't you P-O-N-T-L-O-T-T-Y-N Pontlotyn Pontlotyn I know it was a ponty Pontlotyn on the map is that the valleys

I think it's the best we've ever done isn't it oh it's South Wales I've done really well there it's a ponty on ever done, isn't it? Oh, it's South Wales. Yeah, I think you've done very well for yourself. South Wales, I've done really well there. The valleys of South Wales, isn't it? Yeah, it's a ponty on the edge of Cardiff. Yes, please. I love listening to podcasts. It helped me through many night feeds and wake-ups with Daisy,

who hasn't slept through once in her 25 months. Oh, God. Thank you, funny, sexy, and relatable Daisy and Vicky. Can I say how good that was? I got that. It's 16 miles away from Pontypridd. Do you know how I got that? That's my mother-in-law's from Pontypridd.

Is she? And so all the Luz family sound like that. Cousin Gareth is the most Welsh man I've ever met. I fell asleep at a Luz Nan's house on the sofa and he came in. I'd never met him before. And I woke up and I was half awake and he's a massive rugby player.

I was like, hey there, boy. Oh! And he gave me a massive that sitcom a massive hug and i felt so vulnerable honestly if i'm on my own if i'm on my own without kids well weren't on my own those people that i was visiting but if i'm left on a sofa and no one talks to me and the football's not on i will sleep right yeah um so what's your situation because i feel great I've had a good sleep watched a boxing last night Lou's away I'm nailing the childcare Lou's away

so this is it where are your children at this moment Rob no she's not away this is it she's not in the nick she's not doing 10 years for food

of course basically what's happened is right I will get onto your hangover in a minute so Lou went away but I was in Vegas for a week so I didn't have a leg to stand on so I'll give my point so she went away um but i was in vegas for a week so i didn't have a leg to stand on to

argue my point so she went away friday afternoon for two nights somewhere with her mates um sunday morning we're recording sunday morning recording so she went away um i picked the girls up from school my youngest was supposed to go on a play date but she got scared and the school rung and said she doesn't want to go on a play date so i had to get both of them which is fine i didn't want to force her on a play date she loves the the girl they're going really well but i think it's all a bit new so i think it might have been a bit soon for her to go on a play date anyway can you turn your notifications off please sorry rob fuck's sake who's that who's that i mean it's 10 o'clock in the morning i mean could be anyone so i'm

what's he said was you out of him yeah i was out with him last night. You dirty dog. Oh, the panic regret text. I feel so good waking up sober. I know. I feel awful, Rob. I feel great. This is making me feel even better. You at home being daddy daycare for two days,

and you're just walking on air. Is someone looking after the kids at this moment, Rob? Yeah, I think that's why I'm so happy. So basically, Lou went away Friday, and then obviously I'd gone from school, we went to the CAF, then we'd come home, watch Strictly, I went to bed,

and then Saturday was a bit more stressful. We did, I had to walk the dog. That's the problem, having a dog and kids. With scooters, hashtag blessed, but it was a bit of a nightmare because the dog, you can't really walk the dog. You can't watch two kids on scooters and a dog i need a third eye for that yeah yeah of course so that was stressful came back it's a walking a dog rob come on it's a lot of effort yeah on a lead it's not but when that yes it is josh because on a lead it's not but to get them

tired they need to run and i couldn't get him off lead because I can't keep on top of him, basically. And anyway, so I was doing that. Right, okay, yeah. You're drinking tea now, aren't you? Fine. Are you drinking tea? No, I'm not. I wish.

Is that just your mouth? I wish. Is that your mouth so dry, isn't it? Well, I didn't make any noise. You did. You didn't even rip. It's a very dry mouth, Rob. It's a very dry mouth.

Oh, horrible. Anyway. I didn't do that. That sounded like a sex noise then we went I'll talk you for it so the scooter was an absolute disaster ended up with all the stuff I've had a lot of coffee this morning by the way I'll talk you through my weekend carrying two scooters two scooters um I oh I did see something amazing on the school run right not amazing but it was like I felt sorry for the lady so the lady at our school you can sort of drive through and pick kids up in a car because they've got like it's like a white it's a boring one-way system anyway so she but you don't get out the car the like the people the teachers open the door and the kids jump in and then put their seat belts on so it doesn't slow it up anyway i saw this absolute maverick getting out the bag and opening her boot i was like what's she doing

you're not supposed to get out anyway she, she was holding a newborn baby, right? Trying to settle it. And I was like, oh, poor, poor, poor woman trying to deal with that. Then I looked in the back of this. She's got a 7C. I looked in the back of the car. I think I saw two twins, about three.

Oh, my God. And then her eight-year-old came out of school and she opened the boot and she was holding a baby, like two months old. And she opened the boot and then in the boot was a massive... Oh, no, what's this? Oh, no. Oh, no, Rob. The fire alarm's gone off in this hotel.

Right at the climax of your hotel as well. It was literally... It couldn't have been worse time, Sharan. I know, this is a disaster. I don't leave, do I? Because I can't be doing a fire alarm on a Sunday morning. Rob, what do I do? What do I do in this situation?

Do you know who's having an absolute nightmare? Michael is panicking about the edit now. You can't edit together. No, well, we're going to have to sort of ride out the fire alarm. Can you smell anything? Why have they done that at 10 past 10 on a Sunday morning? That must be a mistake. You wouldn't do your test then. I'd say Wednesday p.m is your best test time yeah exactly just so you know we do do a fire

drill at 10 past 10 on sunday morning just so you know anyway so basically she's got newborn baby she's got two like i think of twins i'm not sure but they look like there were two kids in there i might this might be wrong but there was definitely a number of children in this car because when the daughter come out she went to the boot i was like why is she going to the boot then she got out a massive double buggy so she might have twins babies and like a toddler anyway she took out this massive double buggy and then at eight year old to climb through the boot to get into the back seat and then she had to put the buggy back in the car and shut the thing and then put the baby in and drive off out of the boot so that the child could climb through the boot yes because i don't think she could move the seats forward in the back

because i had like baby isofix oh my god oh my god that looks hell that poor lady she'll get you know if you listen to this stay strong did you feel better about your own life oh i felt great about taking a four-year-old on the six-year-old to the cafe. Unbelievable. That's what I always say. On holiday, on the beach, go near people with younger kids, and it'll make you feel better about your kids. Yeah, of course. People say acquiring a child on a plane is awful.

I think it makes you feel good about yourself. Exactly. So, yeah, we did. I'm just so hungover. It's hilarious. Anyway. Does it sound like just so hungover, it's hilarious. Anyway... Does it sound like I'm hungover, Rob? Yeah, it sounds like you're still pissed. Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me, haven't you?

For fuck's sake, no. Why has a different fire alarm gone off? How's that happened? What's that one for? It's still going. They must be testing them. They're testing them. But why?

It's Sunday morning at 10am. What time did you get in? Why are you testing a fire alarm? What time did you get in? Half three. Fuck off, half three. I didn't know there was a half three in the morning, Rob, until... That was like old school, old school night out for me.

So you're away working? I woke up closed, Rob. Oh, Josh. I don't remember going to sleep. Right, can I ask a question? Is this a, I feel fun and relaxed when my friend's drunk, or I feel really stressed and it's the only way to cope drunk? No, no, it was, I went away to work in Manchester, had a gig,

and my friends were on at the gig, and I was like, this is exciting. So all your friends were on at the gig and you can't get back from Manchester, so I get you. Okay, you got overexcited. Got overexcited. So all your friends were at the gig and you can't get back from Manchester. I get you. Okay, you got overexcited. Got overexcited. Who was there? Went out. Who was at the gig?

Ivo Graham, James Acaster, Tim Key. Oh, some of your elite mates from back in the day. From back in the day. So we went out and here I am now. This is not me. This is you. What have I done with my life? This is not me.

You're getting your life back. This is you. Am I getting my life back? Yeah, and it's terrible, isn't it? What a, Rob. This is you. What have I done with my life? This is not me. You're getting your life back. This is you. Am I getting my life back? Yeah, and it's terrible, isn't it? What a terrible life. It's awful. I'm exhausted. I'm more tired than if I had children, Rob. You sound like you're dying. I feel like I'm dying. This feels like if you were

really unwell, we'd have to keep doing episodes. Yeah. And everyone's like, oh, it's not really as funny As it used to But you know Josh gets tired Doesn't he now I'm so tired

I'm having to write Think pieces in the times What's that There's no water either Oh that's the worst You're going to have to go tap You're going to have to go tap You're going to have to go tap

What Are you in a nice hotel Yeah I am But you get lost in it So I've been put in A nice hotel in Manchester Yeah I am, but you get lost in it. So, I've been put in a nice hotel in Manchester. Yeah. I've got lost every time

I've tried to go to my room or tried to leave my room to come to reception. Right, and you can't get any water and the fire alarm keeps going off. I think that's quite worrying.

It's not ideal. If there is a fire, the last thing you want is it be difficult to leave and there be no water anywhere. Yes, yeah, exactly.

I wasn't thinking that I'd get a bottle of water to put out the fire on my way out. I tell you, you need Mylene Klaas up there to sort that out. Oh, Mylene Klaas would have got me absolutely on the street at 4am to just double-check that it was all OK. Right, guys, before bed, quick fire drill, 3.30am. Where was you drinking? Just a hotel bar?

No, we just went to some bar. Talk me through how many drinks have you had? I don't know. What do you drinking? Just a hotel bar? No, we just went to some bar. Talk me through how many drinks have you had? I don't know. What do you think? So, we had drinks at the gig, and then we just went out. I just kept drinking. But the gig finished at 10, so it was only a five-hour drinking window. It's true.

That's what I always say when it gets to 3.30. If you finish your job at 6pm, like most people go to the pub after an office job, then it's only half 11 finish. Yeah, exactly. So what time's your train back?

I've got an open return, Rob. Right, so... Mr Swish. Oh my God. What time's checkout? We've got a couple of episodes to do. I'm a train up.

I've got checkout. I've got the hotel on drill three. Oh. Oh, yeah. Might go back to bed. On the way out Rob Yeah

Sat in my seat Ready to go I'll be honest with you I've never looked forward To anything more Than that train journey I was so excited You love a train

But I was just like This is me on my own For two hours Why is it so quick To Manchester Couldn't it be four hours No one's ever said that That's exactly how I felt

No that's the opposite Of how I feel on a train I was just like this train is too quick can't i just sit here forever and then i got my wish because we're about to leave and a woman who's pregnant and her presumably husband got on the train the train staff came on and they were like we're not leaving the guy had kicked through the gate what guy? the husband

of the pregnant woman? had kicked through the gate yeah to get on the train and she was saying I can't get off I'm pregnant I've got an appointment

in Manchester and the police came on to get the guy off could you see the police? could you see they were surrounding me because these people were opposite me on the train.

No, in the seat. Was it a table seat? No, no, no. I was on one side of the aisle. They were on the other side of the aisle. And you heard it or did you film it? I didn't film it. You should have filmed it.

Why would I have filmed it? Put it on TikTok, mate. It could have been your first TikTok. People love that. I'm doing my first TikTok next week. We're across this, Rob. My first TikTok isn't filming a pregnant woman who's crying because her husband's being thrown off a train on brand is it well we're talking about kids don't

we and it being difficult so boomer parenting before i was born my dad once kicked the train in he kicked the gate and he got taken off by the police she was crying it was very awkward but i was thinking i'm gonna get a three-hour train journey out of this. Then they just let him back on. Oh. I couldn't believe it had happened. I was like, you wouldn't do that with kids. That is bad parenting.

Once you've told someone you're getting off the train, they've got to get off the train. Yeah, that's weird. Was he sort of like falling down Michael Douglas, middle-class man that basically lost his head? No, he was in shorts and a t-shirt. I don't think that's enough for me to judge him. You know when Boris Johnson goes for a run and he's wearing like a weird mismatched shorts and t-shirt? That kind of outfit.

Right, okay, so he didn't look like a sort of a thug, a ruffian? No, he didn't look like a thug at all. He looked like sort of a middle class office worker in his running clothes, losing his head. No, he had a Brompton. No clothes losing his head he had a brompton no way yeah he had a brompton also who's got an appointment in manchester for a baby at 3 30 on a saturday afternoon come on come on now you live in london you got an appointment in manchester at 3 30 on a saturday afternoon who's the appointment with jeremy carl at salford Studios to work out who it is. Yeah.

That would really work if that still existed, that show. Yeah, I know. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. So that was my day yesterday. Oh, lovely. I'm so hungover. Is that bad?

It's all right. I just don't get the opportunity anymore. Don't. Look, Josh, you're up there working. You've had a few drinks. You had to do this this morning. A few. I still think you're doing this well. Luckily, I've got loads of stuff to talk through.

You can just sort of sit there. Talk me through your life, Rob. Talk me through. Okay, so where did we get to? Oh, I can tell you some doing this well. Luckily, I've got loads of stuff to talk through. You can just sort of sit there. Talk me through your life, Rob. Talk me through. Okay, so where did we get to? You went to the... Oh, I can tell you some bad parenting I saw. Do you want to see how hungover I am? I haven't looked at myself this morning.

I could have turned the camera on. Okay, I'm going to get a live action. Oh, my God. Yeah, I do look awful. Oh, my God. You've got a mohawk. I've got a mohawk? Why have I got a mohawk?

Let me take a photo of that. And also, the lighting's all bad. You look sad sad you self-soothe your hands with your hair and and you don't realize that you're sort of doing it like that and then it just goes up and up and no one's there to go josh your hair looks mental you look like am ice gem i don't want to i don't want to upset you josh but can you turn your camera off yeah i don't want to look at you like this i'm just gonna pretend you're happy and then crack on is that right tell me about your week i saw some bad parenting yesterday um i was driving down the high street near me and there was um a car in front of me a learner car and it was about to go through a green light but this bloke just walked across the road in like a tracksuit looked a bit oiki just walked across the road in like a tracksuit. It looked a bit oiki, right?

Walked across the road, like swaggering along like an absolute geezer. You know when people walk like, I'm hard? You know, they walk like they're hard? But it was only a little skinny bloke. And then the learner was like, oh, like sort of jolted forward a bit and then went to go after he left. But then he was calling his kid over, he was about nine, going, come on! Even though it was red man for the pedestrians. And then the kid was a bit like, oh, shit, like is this that's a red man there's a car about to go and then and then so like the kid started crossing as the dad had already got across the

road and he went he was going fucking hurry up i was like this poor kid and then like oh my god and i sort of looked you know when you like it felt like a sitcom moment of bad parenting and i sort of looked at the bloke like i don wasn't telling him off or being like aggressive or like judging him. I was so confused about what I was saying. I sort of looked confused. He just went to me, you can fuck off as well. Oh my God. And I was like, what kind of example is that to your kid?

You can fuck off as well. I was like, I'm funny. I'm off as well i've sat here i've not beat my windows up i'm not shouting i'm listening to the troll soundtrack of my kids i'm like what are you what are you going on about mate what a dickhead you can fuck off as well you can fuck off as well i've not done anything i've had a lot of abuse, actually, this week. I got heckled twice on my dog walk this morning. This bloke who walks his dog, he's got his dog. My kids always go up to him and go, can we stroke your dog? He goes, no, he'll bite you.

I'm like, fair enough. He said what he'll do so they don't pet that dog. And it's a little pretty one, but yappy one. And he's quite a nice old geezer. He's a bit doddery, but nice, like really old. Anyway, so I'm walking along. The doddery old geezer goes to me, oh, your dog's so skinny and you're so fat. What?

I mean, my dog is skinny, but it's a whippet. I mean, I think it's unfair to compare your body. That's not the bit I had an issue with. No, but everyone looks fat next to a whippet. Your dog is also as well, I think English is his second language. He looks like he's Mediterranean in his 80s, and he was having a bit of banter. And it's 9am.

I've had a busy weekend. And he went, your dog's so skinny. You're so fat. And I also had a pizza last night, Josh. I'm feeling a bit chubby. I don't think that's made the,

I don't think that's, I tipped it in the, I don't think he's, the pizza hasn't led to the comment. He's not gone. Like if you hadn't had the pizza, you're still getting the comment, Rob. Oh, thanks. No, no, pizza, you're still getting the comment, Rob.

Oh, thanks. No, no, no, no. I don't mean it like that. I mean, it's not an instant effect. What did you say? I went, all right,

what did you say? You can fuck off as well, mate. Yeah. You silly old bastard. What, you fucking put a muzzle on that little rat? You fat old prick.

You fucking old prick. You ain't skinny yourself, are you, you fat prick? And then another bloke come up to me and went, well, dog, because when you're walking a dog... It's so brutal. He went, some other bloke was walking his dog, went, oh, is that your dog? I was like, yeah, of course it is.

I'm not fucking walking another one for a laugh. And then he was like, oh, yeah. I went, oh, yeah, you got me sacked. You got me sacked once. I was like, what? I booked you for an event and it didn't go well. I was like, oh, great. Oh, my God.

Who says that? Like TripAdvisor live in your face. I was like, oh, sorry about that. But let's be honest, Rob. If anything, he should have more issues with you than just a kind of friendly, oh, by the way, you lost me my job. Like, that's quite a big deal. If you're walking your dog is everything up

for grabs is that how it works if you're walking a dog people couldn't say whatever they want you however rude it is no but what it is is it's open an open line of communication and so if i'm walking my dog i'm on the lead i'll probably have headphones in and i'll be listening to podcasts but when he's off lead in a park i have my headphones off because i've got to try and keep calling out to him and work out where he is because i've got like noise cancelling headphones but yeah it does invite conversation right and i'm not always up for it no um however good news this week i'll get back to the weekend but um class rep strikes again oh talk to me talk to me talk to me a bit of a kerfuffle on the group about homework. Basically, the homework was having to be printed off from the school's website rather than bringing them home on a sheet.

Oh, come on now. So I emailed the teacher and I dealt with this pretty well, put a bit of banter in as well, Josh. That's how I operate in negotiations. Let's hear it, let's hear it. I said, hello, I hope you're all good. The parents of children are having a bit of trouble getting on top of the homework. The parents are wondering if the school could print the homework sheets

for the topic each week and send them home with the children some of the parents aren't always in a location with a printer and ink or the girls are with grandparents or childminders that can't always use the app and or printers personally my dad is 78 hasn't got his own email address and writes only in capital letters laughy smiley emoji face i'm crying with laughter and emoji there j Josh. Yeah, really nice. And then just said, thank you very much, Rob. And all sorted. Done.

So I sent that back to the parents group with a meme, with a thumbs up. You sent the message to the teachers, but also sent the message to the parents group to show them that you're working well. Yeah, just to let them know it's all been resolved, Josh, as the class represents. I'm Mick Lynch. You are.

Well, apart from you've got a deal but like you've done really yeah you've done really well at this is this your thing do you know what you know what

I've got a point to I've got a point to prove I've got do you know what I have I've got a little chip on my shoulder when someone sells me and can't do something I have to prove

that I can do it and that's down to some sort of self-worth issues but at the moment I'm enjoying the the acclaim that's incredible Rob I'm very impressed with you and the respect i'm getting thank you very much and there's a second hand uniform sale that i passed on the message on so that was good so that's you know

it's pretty good nailing that i'm doing the um i'm doing the school quiz rob you're hosting the school quiz already you've accepted that i'll leave it out my kid's been there for two years and i've not done that yeah but my view is do the school quiz rob and then when something you don't want to do comes along that's when you go well i did the quiz no no no no no no no no no no no no yeah yeah you're doing the quiz you're too easy you're gonna do the quiz every year and then when you don't do the quiz i go god he's changed he's gone a bit off i don't do the quiz anymore it's only about one evening it's only the evening and you're writing the quiz you absolute pussy come on mate put your foot down well what's the capital of chile um santiago

one point there we go that's the kind of fun we're gonna have what i'm just saying though you will now be doing that quiz every year i've spent i've spent the last three days thinking about my quiz questions and i'm so great what a great use of work that is quite a great use of time thinking about all the good quiz questions i'm gonna do excited. What a great use of work that is. Great use of time, mate. Thinking about all the good quiz questions I'm going to do, I'm going to do what do these three people

have in common? Josh, Josh, after the last four weeks, you are not a man that needs more work like this. It's not a work, Rob. It's not work. It's fun.

Well, now you've said that, you'll do it every year. It's not work, it's fun. It's great fun. He gets to come every evening and do the quiz. I'm not doing it every evening. I'm not Jeremy Paxman

Every year You'll be doing it every year 100% every year You're in now You're signed up Rob do you want to do the quiz No Why not

Then you're going to end up Doing something else Watch this Rob Josh do you want to do A 25 mile walk for the school I'm sorry I'm too tired From doing the quiz

Which I did for you That's fine Thank you for doing the quiz That's how That's how the conversation Is going to go It is how the conversation goes Rob to go. It is a conversation. Rob, do you want to host a quiz? No.

That's my conversation. You said, do you want to? I do not want to. However, I may be pressured into it over time. I'm looking forward to the quiz, Rob. Keep telling yourself that, mate, every year for the next 15, 20 years. Rob, what do these people have in common?

Craig Phillips, Kate Lawler, Cameron Stout. Big brother. They won Big Brother. One point. There we go. You see, it's going to be a fun night, Rob. It's going to be a fun night. If there's any parents that are listening to this at the quiz,

they're going to absolutely hammer this quiz. You've got to write new questions now. Do you know what I'm going to do for the music round, Rob? What's that? Children's TV theme tunes Love it Do you want to do the quiz with me? Absolutely not

I can't wait Rob I can't wait to do the quiz with you Me and you Right let me get back to this weekend Because I'm teased this weekend Josh And then people are going to get annoyed That we've not got it out And then we can start talking about your breakdown

No you're not breaking it No no I'm not having a breakdown I know For the first time in weeks This is Josh living his life This is the best I've ever felt No, you're not breaking down. No, no, I'm not having a breakdown. I know. For the first time in weeks. This is Josh living his life. This is the best I've ever felt. It's the best he's felt in months.

Look at him. Have you still not... Do you need a drink? What are you drinking? Are you drinking anything? You got any liquid? There's no water in my room. What about a minibar? Shall I have a look at the minibar?

Have a look at the minibar. One sec. Why don't you crack a little beer? Get back in the game. Oh, my God. there's a water. I'm in. How drunk are you? But you didn't even check the minibar.

Right, oh, yeah, so this is what was going on on Saturday. So Friday, picked someone from school, went calf, come home, watched Strictly, bed. They had little treats to watch Strictly. Lovely evening. Who's going to win Strictly, Rob? I've only seen the first half of the dances right because i said to the girls as a bribe that they could watch it the rest of it tomorrow if they went to bed nicely because

it's on a bit too late for them to watch all of it yeah um i had to field a lot of questions from my four-year-old about ellie simmons with dwarfism what questions well just what why is she so small and stuff and i'm just explaining what she's got dwarfism and things like that and then they kept on going she kept on calling her the little one i was like no her name's ellie yeah and i think it's quite important because back in when i was a kid you never saw anyone doing that that on telly because you know i think everyone was sort of scared to sort of get like abused or laughed out it just wasn't a different type of thing but she's really good at dancing and i think it's really good and you know if there's kids with dwarfism and just adults with

dwarfism watching and she's she sat there went hello i'm ellie and i've got dwarfism i think that's so good for like kids and that and then also kids out and about will you see and interact people with all sorts of different things going on if those conversations have happened at home on the sofa watching strictly i think it's a much better place to have that conversation rather than being out in a park and it being awkward when they're meeting a child with dwarfism for the first time. And I was just explaining that, you know, some people are taller, some people are shorter, some people have blonde hair,

some people have blue eyes. You know, everyone's different and stuff, but it was a lot of questions. And I don't know if any other parents sat there panicking and gone, oh, God, I hope I'm answering these correctly. I hope you're answering them correctly, Rob. I'm trying. I think you're a very... A responsible parent.

Well, I just want my kids to be kind and polite and if you're informed and you learn lots growing up and you experience lots growing up, then it's easier to be kind and polite because you're coming from a much more understanding point of view. My upbringing was a little bit more enclosed of you could only do certain things because you're from southeast london you're working class however there's a big wide world out there and the more you're used to it i think the the better you can deal with people and deal with things in life whereas normally people react through a little bit of the fear and the unknowing

because they're living a bit more of a sheltered world and i think it's brilliant same with the same sex couples on there yeah so we watched strictly that was good and then we went up so we got up did the dog walk which was semi difficult but fun came home had lunch then we went swimming in the afternoon oh how's that going bloody hell rob bikes and swimming you're doing all the bloody important lessons at the moment, aren't you? Well, we went swimming because they were swimming well on holiday, but they haven't swum for a bit. Anyway, we went in there. Kids pool closed because the boiler was broke.

What? I was like, oh, no. So I was like, that'll be fine because they can swim pretty well. I'll take them in the big pool. They can't touch the bottom, but they can hang on the edge, and then I can take turns swimming with them, and there's loads of floats. We'll be all right.

They've got the goggles. They're getting confident now. They can pretty much swim on their own, but I just need to be there in case they get stuck on the edge and then i can take turns swimming with them and there's loads of floats we'll be all right they've got the goggles they're getting confident now they they can pretty much swim on their own but i just need to be there in case they get stuck in the middle yeah then i wouldn't i wouldn't be able to watch them from the edge um so i'm in with them and they went i'll just say no the boiler's broken so the kids pool's too cold and the bigger pool is dropping i don't know if this is accurate but the guy just said it's getting colder and colder by the minute so you might not be in there a long time because the boiler had broke. In the Soviet Union, Rob. What's going on?

Anyway, so I was like, right, I'll give it a chance. So we get in there. It is cold, right? But it's fine. We're having loads of fun. They're screaming. They started playing a game called Drown Each Other. So I had to have a strong word.

They started playing a game called Drown Each Other? Let's play Drown Each Other. I was like, let's not do that one. Let's a game called drowning. Let's play drown each other. I was like, let's not do that one. Let's play a different game. How about not drown each other? And they were just laughing and jumping on each other, but they were so excited that they were like, my youngest started swallowing water

and I had to put them on the side going, I know you're having fun, but this is dangerous if, you know, you play a game called drown each other. So in the end, they were swimming towards me, but my chest is really long at the moment, okay sorry sorry sorry sorry at the moment i normally trim it do you it gets so it gets to the point with a razor with scissors or a beard trimmer but i've lost a charger right so i've bought a new one how long does it get rob i'm talking if it would probably get it no no but i reckon if I just left it, it's probably about

an inch thick now. It could probably, it could get to two, three inches if I left it. Whoa. It just, Tom Selleck beefs out and it makes my chest

look bigger and like fatter because it's a big... Yeah, that's why that guy said that thing about you and the dog. Yeah, maybe it's because I've not trimmed my tit hair.

Yeah, leave it out, mate. I've just got a lot of chest hair. Come on. Give me a break. But there is so much chest hair and back hair, it goes all the way over my back, that when they're swimming and they're going under a bit and they want to pull themselves up,

they pull on the chest and back hair for purchase. Oh, my God. Like a monkey. So they're ripping chunks of chest hair out of me as they climb up me, giggling. Oh, my God. And I was like, ah! Because you just scream um so that that

was fun and then um it got so cold that my youngest lips started turning blue so we got out oh no rob you've had a good weekend though without look i think you've done a very good it's been great you know on the chest hair thing rob yeah uh and then pulling on it my my son so so i at the moment we're going through a thing where the easiest way to wash my daughter's hair is I have a shower with her rather than her having a bath so we both have a shower so I took my clothes off the shower

my son stuck his hand out to stay vertical just held onto my penis Rob like it was a kind of like he just held onto my penis like it was a kind of... It just held onto my feet and it's like it was a kind of handle to stay vertical. Oh, that's so awful, isn't it?

It's terrible. Are you like, this is wrong? Did you get enough purchase? This is wrong or this is long? It wasn't long. It wasn't as long as your chest hair, I'll say that. He was slipping, so he put the other hand on there as well. Oh, dear.

And obviously he doesn't go, God, it'd be weird to hold my dad's penis. No. But it is an odd moment. It's a horrible thing that's happened, isn't it? You do go, well, we're never coming back from that. That's the end of that, then. I'm never going to be then i'm never gonna be able to look maybe that's why some dads never hug their kid you know some dads are a bit standoffish just sort of lean in and go there

you go well done son um but yeah so we got back from swimming and then um kids went to bed i watched the boxing had a lovely evening had a pizza we know that made me fat for my dog what do you do on your own like when they went to bed and it was just you on your own was it like me on the train you're like this is fucking incredible loved it laid down um put a candle on a bit like that i make sure it was all clean and tidy because there's a babysitter this morning so i can record this so i made it all clean and tidy for the babysitter and um i laid there and i played my little jet washing game and had the boxing on in the background and when the main event come on i watched the main event and had a great time rob what a life but then i went to bed and i've got a

new sleep style josh i've got a sort of set i've been awake i'm grinding my teeth and waking up with headaches and stuff i'm i'm sleeping in the wrong position i found out i sleep i sleep on my front with one pillow under my um over the top of my left arm and i wake up every morning with a bad left shoulder and a headache oh so your arms pushed back yes i'm laying on my arm and my head's like that and i'm sort of sleeping at an angle so what i'm doing is i'm trying to go to sleep on my back just facing the ceiling and it's taking ages to go to sleep however when i'm going to sleep i'm sleeping better and when i wake up in the night you know sometimes you wake up in the night for a wee or whatever or the kids wake you up when i go back i force myself to lay back on my back that is tough to change your sleeping position is a huge decision i've got to it's so bad my lower

back is in so much pain my shoulders always on the blink i'm making like a corpse on your back yeah and i so and i woke up with a much clearer head i didn't have that sort of tension headache yesterday i woke up a terrible tension headache and i massaged my head and it got better and i think i'm grinding my teeth and i'm not breathing properly because my face is oh my god and it's really bad for your posture and your back so i'm i'm really sticking with that i'm so bad at sleep at the moment it's it's gone it's all gone wrong well you've been out in the pistol after three no i got to sleep last night i don't even remember it but um maybe that's the way just go and have a go and drink just drink myself to sleep for the rest

of my life do you know i'm sleeping really well I just have six pints of lager. I'm straight off. Straight off. But that's bad. You have bad sleep when you're drunk because you end up passing out in a bad position. But I am in operation sleeping on my back. If anyone's got any tips on how to sleep better, let me know because I've realised half of my life is in that bed. So if we nail that, the rest of your day's got to be easy.

You don't get enough sleep as a parent. Let's make sure the sleep we are getting is good so i want some proper tips from professionals not just darren in gloucester who goes i'll do this i've got some tips for you because i saw someone about my sleep last week so breathe in for four through your nose in i won't do it now i don't want to fall asleep yeah and then breathe out out to eight okay and do that for 20 minutes and it a you focus on your breathing but b you also you drift off because you're getting rid of more oxygen than you're taking right okay so it helps you drift off okay i'm going to do that i've got to put my phone the problem main problem is the phone and the position i'm sleeping in so that's've got to put my phone the main problem is the phone and the position

I'm sleeping in that's what a lot of people say is about like your bed should just be for sleeping and you know every couple of months every once in a while

every once in a while every once in a while when someone's having gambling glasses and a red plug how is radio 2 Rob? I'm doing it in a minute. Fucking hell.

It really sounded like you're on radio 2. Oh, hang on. Isn't that really good? Do this as well, Josh, right? Get your feet, like, to breathe, a good breathe in. So breathe in now, just normally. Yep.

Listeners can do this at home. Just breathe in normally. And sometimes it's hard to sort of get a full, like, I'm still breathing. Can I breathe out yet? Yeah, you can breathe out yet. But just like, but now, do a big breath in through your nose sort of get a full, like, speak. I'm still breathing. Can I breathe out yet? Yeah, you can breathe out yet. Oh, thank God for that.

But now, do a big breath in through your nose, but get your fingers, before you do it, before you do it, get your fingers and pull up your nose a bit like a, so you look like a pig or League of Gentlemen. Yeah. And now breathe in through your nose. You get loads more in. You do.

You get a bit of a head rush. You can't, you can't, you can't go to sleep holding your nose like a pig, Rob. Yeah, I know, but if you're struggling for breath a little bit, do that and it gives you a big old increase of oxygen in the lungs. It really feels... God, that's loud. It's terrible for Michael to edit, but I feel alive after that. Do you feel alive?

I'm really into breathing at the moment, Rob. It's just really... It's underrated, breathing. It's so important. It's the only thing you have to do. Hopefully, you know, chuck in a couple of lulls, but you don't have to do that. It's just helpful, isn't it?

If you didn't, you'd still exist. As we've seen with a lot of our colleagues. Right, Josh. Sunday. I'm not talking about Sunday. So, right, went to bed. Didn't get to sleep that well, but I've had a good sleep,

but a short sleep, but good sleep on my back. Yeah, so woke up at eight o'clock get downstairs this is it now you're on your back for the rest of your life that's it for the rest of my life I've got to sort my posture out my back and my shoulders I'm on it 2023 is when I get ripped to shit Josh I'm not on tour anymore I've heard this so many times at the end of 2023 I'm gonna just be absolutely pumped within an inch of my life too sexy for this show. Literally, I'll write a song about it. Okay, okay, okay. God, that coffee's here. Anyway, woke up this morning,

eight o'clock, ready for life. Eight o'clock? Eight o'clock. Well, the kids woke up at seven. I gave them their iPads immediately. Yeah, good work, good work. They have iPads at weekends. Big sniff on the back.

Let's go to work. Woke up at 8am, get downstairs, ready to go. Babysitter's coming at nine. Dog shit his bed. Not ideal, but I get through it. He's coming at nine dog shit his bed not ideal but i get through it he's got it's bad yeah shit on his bed i didn't know if it because i left i left him in too long because normally he gets let out about seven in the morning not eight so um he's shit on his bed so i've had to throw that away um but i didn't let it get me down josh made the kids their

breakfast um tidied up the house a little bit got everything sorted then the babysitters come in from nine to one o'clock this morning because i've got to walk the dog walk the dog at nine got called fat come back doing this podcast yeah and then we're done at one and then babysitters going and then um mother-in-law's coming around for the two o'clock for the radio two because i've got to go up to radio two then lou's coming back from a weekend away about seven or eight then i'm playing football five-a-side tonight. Today is a busy day. And do you know what?

I'm ready for it. I'm sleeping good now, Josh. I'm on my back. I'm rearing. Yeah, I reckon, I'm going to be honest with you, Rob. You sound like a man that's about to have a breakdown in three hours' time. Yeah, it's 11am. So we'll see how we get on at 8 o'clock kick-off time

after I've done more podcasts, gone to Radio 2, done a two-hour live show on Radio 2, and then got to Five O'Clock. The thing is, though, Josh, I'm playing with 45-year-olds at the moment. I'm 36. I'm ripping them apart. The jump between 36 years of age and 45 is ginormous.

The problem is for these guys, next year when I'm 37 and I'm in the the absolute peak the shape of my life i think they might go look rob you're gonna have to stop playing with us i i'm gonna say it rob yeah i think you've said about how you're going to be in great shape too many times it's gonna happen manifestation mate manifestation i can i will i must you've got to see it to believe it believe it to see it. What does that mean?

I don't know. That last one didn't make sense. The first one did, though. I can do it. I will do it. I must do it. I want to get fit and healthy. And I'm not doing it for aesthetic reasons.

I want to be the grandad that's running around the garden with the kids. You're 100% doing it for aesthetic reasons. You are 100% doing it for aesthetic reasons. A little bit. I want Lou to be like, can you not wear that top? It's too tight. Everyone can see your abs. Just feeling a bit self-conscious at the moment. Like, can you not do it?

Everyone keeps looking at you. I'm like, look, sorry, babe, but I'm hot. The T-shirt's coming off. Look, it's mid-September. It's hot out there. So what's your plan? When do you start your body transformation?

Probably after Christmas. After Christmas. So what it's going to evolve in, my main problem is what I'm eating. Probably after Christmas. After Christmas. So what it's going to evolve in, my main problem is what I'm eating. I'm busy enough with the kids. I go on dog walks. I do my boxing. I do a bit of Peloton.

I'm active and I'm doing my probably 10,000 steps. Yeah, I think you're doing your 10,000 steps. I'm doing my 10,000 steps and I do boxing once or twice a week. Yeah. But that always gets disrupted. What's going into that body. That's the key, isn't it? Exactly. So what happens

is because i'm busy filming and touring a lot this year i know we're touring next year but we're only doing a few dates in these arenas it's um it's i just and the same with anyone that's busy i'm always traveling and eating bad and blah blah blah so i i've got next year's a bit of a more of a fallow glastonbury year for me where i'm not gigging as, working as much. I haven't got any gigs in the diary, Rob. Last night was the only gig. I've got the quiz. He's got the quiz. That was the last one.

How do you feel? That's it. Free. Rob. Yeah? Do you want the small business shout-out? Yeah, I thought he was going to say something else. Do you know what I was going to do?

I was just going to segue straight into the small business shout-out. I thought it would be quite weird I was waiting for you to say something else and you went I misjudged my breath I was like you when you're sleeping I've got a small business one here if you want to find one Josh try and do mine Hi Josh and Rob thank you for saving us

through the first year of parenthood your podcast has been a lifeline your honesty about anxiety is also refreshing and important when I was pregnant with our daughter, my husband and I decided that his current job was not good for his mental well-being, so we decided to take the plunge and start a business. This was such a special time for us as it meant he also got to spend the majority of the year with us whilst building the business. He launched in November last year a fermented food company called Firm Believers.

F-E-R-M. Believers. The first products launched are hot sauces ranging from mild to very hot all products are fermented to give them a unique flavor we would love to send you a bottle of fire and brimstone the extra hot one for you to try the business is based in dartford get on blue water oh here we go now i see where the sauce can be found i don't know these people they do live near me though can be found at firmbelievers.com, or you can find it in some local butchers and stockists, as well as at local markets.

We are really looking to expand across the UK, so we'd love a shout out for people to follow us on Instagram, at firm, F-E-R-M, dot believers on Instagram, or firmbelievers.com. That is Lisa and John, well done, and well done also for starting a business. Like I say, the best thing I ever did was try and do comedy try and do this podcast because it's even if it even if it doesn't go well at least you've tried there's nothing worse than just thinking maybe i should have done that so have belief in yourself i mean don't you know jack it all in and spend all your savings but within reason give it a go i'd say so good luck to firm believers josh what you got

hi josh and rob please could you promote my daughter's small business? I'm a 53-year-old mum who's been introduced to the podcast by my 28-year-old daughter, Beth, and who, for Mother's Day, bought tickets to see you in Manchester next year. Can't wait. That was her, not me. Obviously, I can't wait either.

Oh, my God, Rob, I'm going to be in Manchester hungover again, aren't I? Beth has a busy, stressful job as a children's social worker, and so to help de-stress herself after the day, she started a small business called The Little Favors, at thelittlefavors underscore. The business makes small favour boxes

stroke bags for various occasions, e.g. asking someone to be a bridesmaid box, wellbeing boxes, thank you teacher gifts, etc. Myself and her dad are so proud of her, and if she gets a mention on the pod, it would make her year. Lots of love, Sarah from Huddersfield. There we go. Thank you very much, Sarah.

Now, I was just saying, we're done now for this episode. We'll see you on Friday, but we're recording an episode of Denise Walsh straight after this. We need to go on with that. So if you are listening to that one, Josh will still be hung over for that episode. So when you hear him scrambling around for those women's names. you hear i'm going to be different person okay yeah what's judy love like in real life that kind of stuff well you know you've met her yeah no exactly what about bloody um coming in another no idea

well done actually that's quite quite well done i'm just quite pleased with that see you on friday bye