Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP2: Julian Deane

Episode Date: July 22, 2022

S05 EP2: Julian DeaneJoining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant comedian - Julian Deane. You can find Julian on; instagram: @juliandeanecomediantwitter: @Julian_Deane Thanks, Rob + Josh.BIG NEWS.... we're writing a book! ⭐ All the stories we can’t tell on the podcast – in depth.⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents)⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them... [e-mail]'s it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)?And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick?Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike.Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here: https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBookWe're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK?Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there...ON SALE NOW 14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena19th April 2023 - Nottingham20th April 2023 - Cardiff 21st April 2023 - London (The O2)23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley)28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC cashback mastercard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will. Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card, and he's done it. Oh, clicky click. Magic trick.

The clicker around the room. You guys just about finished. Sorry. We got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight worthy with the BMO Toronto FC cashback mastercard. Hello. You're listening to Parenting Hell with.

Can you say Josh Whitacombe? Josh Whitacombe. And can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Are we international podcasters? Who's that? Hi. I've noticed that you've had none or maybe little interest from people in the USA.

Don't start negging us. We've got bloody... I'd say 0.75% of our listenership are Americans. Yeah. Which is a huge number of... Almost tens of people. Michael will be able to tell us. Michael, can you tell us

what percentage of our listeners are American? Yeah, I'll come back to you in about two minutes. Okay, cool. Here is my three-year-old daughter, Fern, and we live in Seattle. Ooh!

Do you know what state Seattle's in, Rob? Seattle is up north, isn't it? Yeah, north. Washington. It's in Washington, it is. Is it? Yes, get in! Yes. My husband's from Kent, it is. Is it? Yes, get in. Yes. My husband's from Kent, England,

so our kids have weird American accents since we've been together so much during COVID. Thanks for bringing so much needed laughter into my life. I've recommended the podcast to all our friends, even though they may not understand British humour. Thanks. We've got Michael with the US listener stats. So I can confirm that 1.6% of our listeners are from the USA.

Is that our biggest market outside of the United Kingdom? Australia, I bet. Australia is the biggest market outside the USA. What's that? That is 2.37%. Still small, isn't it? I don't think we can call ourselves an international brand yet. No.

What is our UK percentage? 88.25%. Oh, my God. That's pathetic. Where's the rest, then? The rest is spread out. Belgium, 0.03%. No way.

Go on, the Belgium. Badunked to our Belgian listeners. Big up, the Belgium. Bruges. I just shouted Bruges. You just shouted Bruges. Where else? We've got our Belgian centre.

Who else have we got? Italy, 0.09%. These are all expats. 0.09. That's less than a percent. UAE, 0.33% of our listeners. 0.33 in Dubai? You'd think that would be high,

because there's loads of Brits over there, but it's small, isn't it? I love the way you can't hear anything about analyzing it who gives a fuck 0.3 yeah that's weird actually because it's quite a lot of expats what can I do you know what can we do do you think we should get some billboards in Dubai Josh is gonna start doing like stories about going to white parties with his kids on the beach and like you know what that burj khalifa's tall isn't it bloody hell that is one tall old building that i can actually break down the u.s listenership by state if you're interested why where's the biggest uh

wait let me guess california new york yeah california is the biggest followed followed by New York, the smallest percentage with a total of 231 downloads. Oh, aye. So that means mathematically one person could have listened to all of the episodes one and a bit times. Right, so we've got one listener in this place. Well, we might have a couple of listeners, but if there's two listeners

they both haven't finished the entire back catalogue. So this is the smallest stat we've got, essentially. Yeah, it's 0.03% in Wyoming. Wyoming! Which is actually not that surprising. It's the least densely populated state in the US. Wyoming!

If you are that person in Wyoming, please get in touch. Oh, imagine if they've stopped listening. Michael, you've got to check this time next week, Wyoming, to see whether it's gone up by two listens. To see whether they've listened. To see if we've still got the Wyoming listener. If you are from Wyoming and listening, we've got one person in Wyoming.

Is this interesting for anyone else? Anyway, if you're from Wyoming, that's quite interesting. Was that interesting? I found it interesting, but then it's about us, isn't it? We'd probably be having this conversation even if it wasn't, though. Well, that's the issue with this podcast. Go on. If over the lifespan of this podcast,

we tried to get an intro of the kids' names from every single one of the 50 American states. Oh, my word. Look, guys, can I just say something here? Let's not make this mistake of trying to crack America without 1.5%. We've got to remember the British guys. That's who made us.

That's who we're here for. Let's not get caught up in the American dream. Michael's just pitched a Dave Gorman podcast idea. Honestly, the Sifjan Stevens of podcasts. Surely we do every county first. Also, who cares, though? I couldn't even. could you name the counties what a boring thing to ask yeah i can fuck how many are there no i'm not doing that about you

do you know any county that's uh got borders one other county just one other county is it what something in wale or no cornwall yeah boring that isn't it let's move on right okay boomer story here is a boomer parenting story from the mid-1980s. Every Saturday, I was given 75p pocket money, and I had been saving for about four weeks for something I'd seen in town. It was a Shaking Stevens holographic key ring, an item of my dreams as a nine-year-old in the 80s. On this Saturday, I asked my mum to drive me to town,

and I bought the key ring. I came home clasping it, wrapped in a brown paper bag. When I got home, my dad had randomly bought a new three-piece suite from a friend. It was brown striped and the arms were like wooden flat tables. I was so excited, my brother was sat on it, so I sat on the wooden arm. Yep, it cracked and snapped off. My dad was furious. He demanded my key ring and made me follow him to a garden tree stump.

He placed my key ring on the stump. Oh, my God, no. Oh, no. And made me stand there as he smashed it to smithereens with a hammer. A sledgehammer. Devastating. That is actually awful. That's horrible.

Joe Bolton White Dorset. That's not boomer parenting. That is terrible parenting. I feel bad reading that out. Shall I give you another boom white does it that's not boomer pairing that is terrible parenting i feel bad reading that out should i give you another boomer is it a happy boomer well i don't know we'll find out as we go hi rob and josh i want to share one of my boomer parenting stories i'm in my 50s now so my childhood was mostly in the 70s and i can tell you it was a bleak time oh one saturday my extended family were going to a hotel for a dinner and cabaret event

both me and my sister were very excited this was a big deal of course we put on our best outfits and made a bit of an effort we drove for about an hour to the venue

in our family convoy only to find out the event was adults only much to our dismay the whole family decided to go anyway and left me and my sister in the car

in the car park for three hours oh god this is bad this is like this is this isn't fun anymore these are just really sad stories dad came out he brought us two cokes and a bowl of chips to share and then went back inside oh my that is so um and then she's this is just a two-word sentence no sauce remember this was the 70s we didn't have ipads nor did we have any books or anything else with us so we just sat there in the dark until the adults had finished we then drove home and went to bed having only had half a bowl of chips for our tea that is so i think we need

some happy stories here um i got another one here here we go this is dilemma josh this is hi rob and josh this came in ages ago so i don't know the kids probably about 15 now but i'm a huge fan of podcast and even was lucky enough to attend your live show at hackney empire which did not disappoint tickets still on sale for the tour guys still on sale for the tour in fact i was sat very close to the six week old baby yeah people did bring babies which is uh yeah not advised but inevitable with this uh listenership i have a bit of a dilemma which i love to know your opinion and perhaps the viewers' opinion on. Viewers, listeners, who's no one's watching me,

are they? I'm doing this in my garden. My three-year-old and one-year-old both attend nursery, which is bloody expensive, but I've recently found out they watch TV whilst they're there. I'm not too happy about this

considering the fee I'm paying. I thought I was offering guilt-free TV on my Fridays with them, but turns out they've been watching it through the week as well. Do you think this is an issue I should raise? Only problem is, it's my three-year-old daughter that told me, and I don't want her to be painted as a grass.

What should I do? I would say, just speak to the nursery and go, oh, hi, my daughter come home and said that you watch telly at school, at nursery. How much are they watching and when are they watching it? I just want to balance it out with my friday saturdays and sundays so over overall in the week they're not watching too much and in that way you're not going in with a problem and if they go oh they watch it you know for once a week but also kids do lie especially three-year-olds so

and i do think sometimes though if the kids have done like four hours of activities when it was on holiday in greece they were doing so much swimming and stuff they actually needed some sort of time back in the room watching telly for an hour or two just to try and like calm down a little bit you know i mean where so i think ask them how much they're watching it and then go from there yeah so i'm doing 12 hours on saturday and 12 on sunday so i need i need to balance it out but yeah say that and, and then they might feel guilty. But yeah, I think just ask. Yeah.

It'll be fine, won't it? Depends what they're watching, though, doesn't it? Yeah. Because my mum and dad came round to pick the girls up from that Supercamp thing, because I was still working. And the girls were playing, and I came in to make a cup of tea. And my mum and dad were both on their iPads playing Candy Crush, or whatever it is they play.

And in the background was just a Netflix documentary about sexual assault on teenagers. And my kids just on the floor playing. And then I went, Jack, we should turn this off. And my dad went, they're only talking about it. I was like, yeah, but my kids can hear. So I turned it off. And then they cracked on Candy Crush.

Anyway, thank you very much, Mum and Dad, for coming up to help. You got me out of a hole. And also thank you to my mother-in-law, who's having them on Saturday whilst I work. And poor Lou recovers. Okay, Josh, I think it's time to bring in our guests. We've got the wonderful Julian Dean this week. Very funny man.

He's got five kids. Five. Five children from the ages of eight up to 23, I think. Really funny guy. Great podcast as well. We're called Donnelly eight up to 23, I think. Really funny guy. Great podcast as well. We're called Donnelly TVI. This is Julian Dean. Julian Dean, welcome to the podcast.

We're very excited to have you on. You've been on the wanted list for a long time. Oh, thanks. Nice to be here. Hi, Rob Beckett and Josh Whittacombe. Thanks for having me. The wanted list is a very weird way of referring to it. Well, no.

There's two reasons you're on the list. One, you're very, very funny, brilliant stand-up comedian. Everyone should go and watch you or listen to your podcast, TVI, Two Vegan Idiots. And also, you've got a lot of kids, which is always good for this show. Yeah. I have got a lot, yeah.

How many are you talking? Well, some of them are men. So I've got two males. They're two um so i've got two i've got two males they're two um so i've got two gentlemen and i've got um how old they are early 20s 21 and 22 and i have um a 17 year old boy 16 year old girl and uh eight year old girl ren wow i only named the youngest for some reason but yeah and those others have been in um they've been grouped in in two years i think it's gonna say groomed um yeah um so there's a 10 year gap between the two eldest are with um my first partner when i was a teenager and the youngest three are with

my, they're both exes but it's all amicable in brackets We should really drill down into that Rob. Drill away Sometimes there are gaps everyone, you know, my dad was married before and stuff like that but some people

want to talk about the gap more than others, I've found in my experience on this show. No, I don't mind. I mean, I've talked about it on our podcast. It's fine. It's all amicable and nice and healthy. How old was you when you had your first one then? You said you were a teenager.

Yeah, I was 17 when she got pregnant. So 18, just 18. Blimey, blimey. When the first one was born, yeah. And what was that like as an experience? Was it... Were you confident? Did you...

Was it like that? You know, it was terrifying, actually. But I do think at that age, you do have a little bit less consequences and five-year plan in your head anyway, so you're a bit more in the moment. And you're also a little bit more resilient to like a screaming baby i think at that age i do think there's benefits to it and you know that do not outweigh the non-benefits but there are there are upsides yeah you've got energy haven't you i suppose and i suppose also you know

it's that kind of thing where you're right you're not going how does this fit in with my life that i've created yeah i've just i've just finished playing fifa you know like i've got no um i don't know what i'm doing anyway so um it kind of you know forced me into growing up and when you had your first kid how much of a different parent were you with that kid than with your kid who's now eight the one who's got a name ren yeah that um the oldest is robbie yeah it was i was different that's a really good question um he's good at this isn't he julian you're very good i also should say the oldest was Robbie because time-wise, Robbie Williams was at his absolute peak

at that moment. I know. I think it was more Robbie out off of Grange Hill, maybe. Oh, really? So they haven't all got names that have tracked

the most famous Well, the second one, Dean Gaffney, is 21... No, right, I'm joking. The third one, Wellard. Tucker.

All right, I'm joking. The third one, well out. Tucker. Here come the carrots making their way upfield, followed by the whole wheat bread, over to the two dozen eggs. Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard.

Oh, and the broccoli boots are over the line. What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please. Make every purchase a win with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard with up to 5% cashback

on your purchases in your first three months. Terms and conditions apply. I was kind of, you know, growing up with my oldest two in a lot of ways. You know, I'd had a lot of practice when Ren came. Do you find, like, because people say you get more... I'm sure Rob would agree, like, for the first and second one,

you're more relaxed in terms of your parenting. Does that continue to increase? So by number five, you super, like, chilled with it? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That gets more and more and more. Does it? Does it continue to increase? So if you had 10, you wouldn't even give a fuck.

If you have 10, you don't care whether they live or die. You just take them out in the sun. No sun cream. So you really did feel that, like the difference? Yeah, not less love you're you're more chilled and less uptight as a as a parent for me anyway i guess yeah in a lot of ways you can't a lot of it becomes more instinctive i guess you haven't got so much to learn academically i think maybe ignorance is bliss when you're 18. When your eldest ones got to 18, did it really hit home then going, oh, my God, that's when I had you and now you're 18?

It did. It did. Because if he went my way, I would have been a granddad at about 36, if that's good maths. But, yeah. I was actually teaching maths during lockdown to my 16-year-old and I haven't even got a GCSE. What, in maths?

Not one. Not one GCSE. Not one? Not one. That wouldn't be possible. Just by the law of averages. I've got a BTEC NVQ Level 2 in business and finance. That's enough, isn't it?

That's enough for what you need? Yeah, that's all you need, mate. So what I was doing was I had a tutor in the evening for me. No, you didn't. I did a maths tutor. He's one of our patrons on our podcast. And so I was doing that with him mainly on Twitter. He was teaching you maths to teach your kids yeah but it was it was i mean there's nothing else to do in lockdown so i

it kind of i really enjoyed it weirdly i just got really into it are you tempted to redo your gcses or should i just say do rather than redo yeah just do um i am actually yeah and i have i was looking into it but i i think i could get an a in maths now but there's no there's no point in shattering that illusion if i couldn't you know so i might not do them yeah i think that's the best way isn't it don't test yourself just assume just assume you'd be really good at it and then hope for the best how do you spread your time because you don't you don't obviously there's a couple of them have grown up now they're men um and you're not you're not living with them so how do you when do you see them how do you spread your time? Because obviously there's a couple of them who have grown up now, they're men,

and you're not living with them. So when do you see them? How do you split your time? Because you want to make sure you're giving them all enough attention, but it's tough, especially when you're a touring comic. Yeah, well, the youngest is eight, so I take her to school most mornings unless I'm away working.

The other two are teenagers, so it's a lot more chilled with them i guess i sort of take beau to the gym so i yeah i see i see them quite often i mean i'm mainly red ren would stay over maybe a once or a week i guess but it's very sporadic and casual and easy yeah they're only they're only a away, so there's no kind of time set in stone. I've got a door key. Yeah, it's nice, actually. Because, yeah, sometimes...

They don't know that. Can you cut that bit about the door key? Sometimes I go in and I watch them sleep and then I leave. Yeah. Watch her and her new man sleep. Yeah. With his big old hands.

Some say dorky, some say crowbar, but, you know, if you're in, you're in. That's nice, though, because there's other people who aren't with their partners anymore who they had kids with where it isn't as amicable and that. So it's nice that you've got that easy relaxed like setup because it could be horrible if it was like you could only ever see him every two weeks on a saturday afternoon and your work and stuff like that must be awful for people oh it would kill me yeah um it's nice because i'm quite needed as well like they need me to take her to school and pick her up a lot of well at least one day a week so i quite like the routine of it anyway and taking her in and yeah it's nice do you like i can't

imagine you sort of being sort of dad because you're always doing silly little jokes a little quips do you have to catch yourself like if they're you know if they're telling you something quite serious you find yourself doing the little jokes and you have to hold back i do i do yeah i'm i'm like that at home yeah but yeah they can't tell me something serious without me going ha ha just say it in your head and then say something else out loud yeah yeah exactly yeah ever you ever taken all of them away on your own only only about twice really i've taken everyone away that must be so expensive me and rob with our different takes on it.

I'm emotionally worried. Rob's financially worried. Actually, when we went to Turkey, I couldn't take the flight out with them, so I had to get the flight the next day, and it was the best move I've ever done. I bet. They were all...

There was so many of them, and they were all... It was like home alone just rushing around an airport but they and I was just like

got the got the next day a flight out on my own it was lush they were late for the plane and it was just sounded like carnage

and I'm just reading a paper the next day at Gatwick it was nice with a little a little espresso with my little pinky out it was nice and how a little espresso with my little pinky out. It was nice.

And how were you when they were little? Was you hands-on? Yeah, very hands-on, yeah. Yeah, like, Wren was breastfed until she was quite old, actually. Like, gone one. So Lucy was doing a course at the time in, I think, Victoria or somewhere. So I had to drive drive ren in the traffic to victoria on a hot summer's day get her breastfed and then drive her back and i i had

ren a lot yeah when she was a baby it's stressful when they're breastfed though isn't it because you can't do it and like if they're not on a bottle you're just sort of hanging around near the boob somewhere in victoria in your case i know exactly and taking a buggy and some of the um troop station don't have lifts i was literally putting my hands under the buggy carrying a buggy up the stairs but yeah you can you can um what do they call it when you get the milk out of the boob with a suction thing mouth expressing expressing the milk yeah we did we did do a bit of that yeah you're a vegan any of your kids vegan no they're not they eat meat a lot actually and did you did you at any

point think i want to bring them up vegan no um i just thought i'll let them eat what they want i like them eating healthy um i don't you know i'll let them eat what they want. I like them eating healthy, but I don't, you know... I'll let their conscience be the guide of whether they're going to kill animals and eat them. Yeah, I'll call them murderers. But my... Actually, a week of being a vegan, I ordered a pizza and I said, can you have no meat on it?

He said, yeah, of course. And I went... I was in Manchester and I went home and I started eating this pizza and I'd almost finished it and I realised there's cheese all over it. How did you not realise that after eating it? It just totally wasn't even in my head. Because I'd asked for no meat on it. I don't know.

That was a genuine slip up. Yeah. Eating a whole cheese pizza. So how do you work Christmas? It's easier now that your kids are older, I imagine. But when they're a bit younger, how do you work christmas now it's easier now your kids are older i imagine but when they're a bit younger how do you split your time um well the older boys kind of do their own thing um you know i just kind of use my barclays ping it app to send over money um and yeah so the three younger ones i just go to their nan's house and they just have a big...

We've only been split up three years, but that's how we've done it for the last three Christmases. Right, fair enough. That's nice, though, to split up, but be on the kind of situation where you're going to the in-law's house. It's a really nice... No, I do appreciate it, definitely.

I mean, it could be, you know of a nightmare situation as a lot of dads you know separated have and so so how old was yours like your um uh your kids when you started doing stand-up then like so what was you doing did you have like a sort of normal job and then transitioned when they were little because how long have you been doing stand-up 15 years is it 13 years um i guess since my first gig about 13 yeah. But it took a while to kind of go full-time. Yeah, I was working in the city in sales for about five years when they were babies, the Bow and Verity were babies. So it was quite hard working full-time.

And then, you know, you do open mics, don't you? Or mirth control, you're driving to Birmingham and back after work. Yeah, I remember you driving me and you'll see Ibiza somewhere in the middle of nowhere, like a weird town. Oh, I can't remember where it was, but it was a proper shit gig. My first weekend away was the stand flat in Edinburgh when they were babies. And that's when I really, really felt homesick.

And I thought, I really miss them. And I was like, oh God, this is the job, is it? Yeah. And it was really brutal. And then on the way back, I had to go to Hull to do a Sunday gig. And it was just so, yeah. But I kind of just forced myself to get used to it.

And in the end, you know, when the relationship isn't that great, a weekend away is okay. The divorcee's friend stand-up comedy. Exactly. I could go to a stand. It's better than the sofa again. Exactly. Because your kids were, like,

grew up almost in different generations to each other. Could you see, like, the different eras of not just like i suppose like technology and stuff like with baby monitors and prams and all that kind of stuff but also i suppose you're dealing with some kids are growing up during social media some kids are growing up before social media have you seen that difference yeah well ren's had them as an iphone since she was about three years old i remember when when Ren was little and, you know, it's quite hard work when they're two and you're tired. And I remember just putting a little nursery rhyme thing

on an iPad and she just locked into it. And it was kind of, it was like, oh. But then, you know, it's not a great move, is it? But she does like arts and crafts and playing and role play and she likes to play teacher. There is a good balance with her. But it was a bit, you know, when you stick an iPad in front of a kid

and it just solves all your problems for a few hours. It's so easy done. Yeah, you didn't have iPads with your older kids in at all. Not with Robbie and Connor, no. Not iPads.ads i mean they had kind of computer or game boy and stuff like that yeah what's it like you know a lot of dads are

like when my child's 18 i'm gonna take them for their first legal pint and we're gonna you know they're gonna be a grown-up and i'm gonna have a drink with them and all that kind of stuff did you have that kind of moment when your kids turned 18 that it felt wow i've got adult children um well i stopped drinking um before verity was even born so years ago i couldn't imagine it having a baby crying and your heart because hangovers get worse as you get older yeah if i if i felt like i did now when i had a hangover before, I'd ring an ambulance. It was so brutal, like just, like the full-blown flu. Imagine at 6am with a baby and a hangover,

because also I'd say when you've got that, the shame is out of this world when you're looking at a child as well, isn't it? I know, their pure innocence, like little soft big eyes, just you're God to them and you're just rotten hungover. Like dry heathen. What's he trying to say to me? What's God saying? He's purging. What's coming out of his mouth?

Oh, that's awful. It's so awful. Like, yeah, I can't do a hangover with kids anymore. I just sort of do a bit of daytime drinking, a couple of beers. I'm sort of getting to that old man, two beers is enough for me. You're just a bloke in a pub in the afternoon, Rob.

Is that the... What was that? One of those blokes you see in a pub at 2 p.m yeah i'll be two pints then go home for shepherd's pie and i'm happy i was gonna say as well because like when you've got a younger kid you sort of you go and take them to the toy shop and get them a toy and they're happy as larry yeah but then and now you're you've got your older kids you know the 20 year old men in your life as well as you you know, the other teenagers are getting older now. Like, do you find like you're sort of trying to work out what it is you like to do with them?

Where a lot of people go football with their kids or they go, you know, there's something. I think as your kids get older, you're sort of searching for the thing that you do together with them. I've been trying to get the two older ones to come to the gym a lot. And they, we keep arr a rain even to go out for a meal or something we keep trying to arrange it and then it hasn't happened in months and months and months um but with bo who's 17 i was taking him to the gym with me um once a week which was good it's mad how different the next generation is if at 17 you'd said to me do you want to go to the gym i'd have gone what are you talking about but now it really is a thing isn't it yeah it's a really nice health club i go to so it's kind of got a sauna steam room it's got like swimming pool

so i take ren to the outside swimming pool a lot and she loves it and i taught her to swim it's the only one i've ever been able to teach to swim. Oh, really? Yeah, like the others, I'd be like, yeah, just put them in the pool. Just swim. Don't drown. But then I'd watch some YouTube videos with Ren how to teach somebody to swim. And I was like, oh, I should have done this 20 years ago. So you managed to do it all yourself?

I haven't taught her the perfect stroke, but... Yeah. She can... She's not drowned. No but yeah um she can yeah she's not drowned no she's very confident she's not drowned yet um but yeah she could do a few lengths i do use youtube a lot to work out to do stuff like tying the girl's hair like yeah i did that yeah i still can't plait hair the other day a couple of months ago ren stayed here and I needed to plait her hair for Skoll. And she was losing her mind. And so I run around Blackheath Village.

There's about seven hairdressers. And I kept running in there. Could you plait her hair? And they kept just saying no, they can't. And I swear to God, I will never, ever, ever go into these hairdressers in my life again. I was so resentful. And I swear to God, I will never, ever, ever go into these hairdressers in my life again. I was so resentful. And I went into a barber's and I'm like, can you plait her hair?

No, we don't do that. So I went into Tony and Guy in Blackheath Village, who I'll never even look at when I walk past there. But we were desperate. And in the end, I just put it in a ponytail. They wouldn't do it for you, even as a favour. I would have paid 60 quid if they would have asked. We were about half an hour late for school, and I hate that. I'm very punctual with them, but it was cracking me up.

What do you think as well? most hairdressers, you think, like, it will take them, what, like, a minute, two minutes to do? I know. Like, they dye hair, they cut hair, they shape hair, they do millions of extensions on hair. And they plait their own hair just quickly. Just plait her hair. They're just sitting there reading magazines.

And when I walked in, they all walked out the back. They must get it a lot. One of them stood there to face me and um i was like could you plait her hair quickly no we can't do that you've got to book an appointment i'll never look in that shop again well that's the thing i do i'm very good at holding a grudge there's still a chip shop near me i won't go in because they were rude to me about 15 years ago. Yeah, so am I. I think it's good to hold grudges. What did they say? They said you're back again

for chips. No, we will not plait your daughter's hair with chips, aren't we? Just tie it up with some newspaper, please. Batter it. Just batter it.

Just batter the ponytail. Well, normally we end on the same question but i feel like it's it's not quite right for this situation is it rob well it's normally things that your partner does parenting wise it annoys you but um i don't know if you really want to go down this road i'm gonna be honest with you julian i don't know if you listen to this a lot of people do and it will get back to her okay all right she knows this. When she takes Ren to school, Ren is late. And it annoys me. All right, okay.

How do you make it? We're doing nursery. This is the last year of nursery for my daughter before she goes to school. And we're late, but they don't give a shit because it's a nursery. I don't know how I'm going to deal with the strict timings of a school.

Are you sure they don't give a shit? Well, they seem pretty chilled about it. Yeah, it's going down in the register, though, and there's going to be an attendance officer knocking at your door soon. Coming from the man with no GCSEs, but 100% attendance. I was there, but I didn't learn. Yeah, the potential A in maths. He's self-given.

He's given himself. But no, Josh, yeah, you've got to get... I would have you down as a nervous nearest that would be there before it opened. I know, but once they give you the bloody... So what is the official time drop-off then at that nursery? Between 8 and 9.30. Bloody hell, that's a big window.

Between 8 and 9.30. Yeah. big that's a big window between 8 and 9 30 yeah so what time does she normally go in 9 40 what the fuck are you doing in the morning just chilling out she gets up about 7 she could easily be in by 9 30 if she gets up at 7 yeah i know she could i'd have her in by 8 crack on with the day you? Yeah, I need to speed up my mornings, don't I? What would you do in the morning? Because you're up from six with a baby. No, he does seven now these days, mate. Yeah, but he's still seven.

That's an hour to get. Easy life. Yeah, yeah. But he's, well, she gets up at half six. She watches a bit of my phone until he wakes up. So that takes us to seven. How far is the nursery from your house? It's a bus ride that takes 25 minutes that's too far away you get you get on a bus yeah i do go i do get on the bus thank you very much

i didn't book in the nursery and go i'm worried about the hottest day in the world in three years time like how was the bus this morning all right yeah brilliant because no one's out it was a fucking dream mate it got there in about 10 minutes because there was no traffic and no one on the bus it's like being chauffeur driven in a huge limo double-decker limo i had to um take her out of school a week early so they could go to cyprus yeah but the school think that i have her because i'm going away um lucy asked me to do that so i rang the school to get approval they said no but their holiday was already booked yeah so we are going to get fined i mean i'm i'm not paying it's not my... How much is the fine? What kind of fine do you get?

I don't know. I think it's about... I don't know. What do you reckon? That's all right. I've heard it's four grand. Four grand? Four grand of two weeks in prison.

In Cyprus. That's the worst thing about it. You have to go into prison in the country you go to. Thank you. Thanks, Julius. You've been brilliant. Thank you so much for coming on. I enjoyed that. Thanks, Julius. Thanks for having me, guys. Is there anything you go to. Thank you. Thanks, Julius. You've been brilliant. Thank you so much for coming on. I enjoyed that.

Thanks, Julius. Thanks for having me, guys. Is there anything you want to promote? Yeah. My podcast with the great Carl Donnelly... Who's been on here. Who's been on... ...is called TVI.

Two stands for Two Vegan Idiots. Please subscribe, listen, and... You don't really talk about being vegan. It's just two blokes being funny with guests. Yeah, exactly. And you two, will you two come on it? Yeah, I've been on it a few times, but I'll come on again.

I'd happily come on it. Yeah, no, that'd be great. And what about you, stand-up? Have you got any shows coming up? Are you doing a tour? Are you doing solo shows or gigs? Follow me on Instagram, Julian Dean Comedian. Dean's got an E on the end.

Julian Dean Comedian. And I got an E on the end. Julian Dean Comedian. And I'll post on there my stories and stuff. Yeah, defo check out Julian's stand-up. It's so good. Yeah, really great. Some amazing one-liners. Oh, thanks. But, yeah, good luck with Julian.

And thanks for coming on. Thanks, guys. Have a great day. Julian Dean there. Absolutely lovely bloke. Lovely fella. I'd love him to be my dad. He's very zen, very chilled.

Yeah. He does show you like... I think it takes about four or five to work out how to bring up a kid. Yeah, I know, which is unfortunate for my two because I'm not going any further. But yeah, he's a really funny bloke, lovely bloke. And yeah, definitely go and watch his stand-up

if you can find it online somewhere. He's a great act. Such a funny bloke. Right, see you on Tuesday. Bye. If you are not in the queue and you are waiting, then step to the side. He got in touch and said, yeah, sorry, mate, you didn't seem like yourself the other day. You've only met me three times.

The self-service checkout. I don't care what you're called. I'm not getting tricked into working here. People at festivals in those stupid jester hats. But do you know what a snake's penis looks like? £2.69 for a bottle of water. Why is your Wi-Fi code 10 characters long? People who do their shoes are 2.

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