Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP21: Mind the darts, kids....

Episode Date: October 4, 2022

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] BIG NEWS.... we're writing a book!  ⭐ All the stories we can’t tell on the podcast – in depth. ⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents) ⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them...   [e-mail] What's it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)? And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick? Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike. Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here:  https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBook Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, so you fucked up the clip and you're still eating a Snickers. Can you say Rob Beckett? Beckett. And can you say Josh Widdicombe?

Josh Widdicombe. Good girl. Well done. That's a good one. Yeah, that was a nice one, wasn't it? Hi, Rob. You're still eating Snickers. I'm not. It's only a tiny one.

You're still eating a little tiny celebration. Yeah. What are you celebrating? We've got a really good start to the podcast. We should say we are doing this live and in person. And you've got some little habits you do with the camera off on Zoom. What do you mean? You've been eating yoghurts before.

I've eaten a yoghurt before, yeah. I can see your food, that's not a problem. Is the food all out of your mouth now? Do you need to put your tongue there? Do you need to drink? I might have some more physical water. Yeah, I thought you would. Hi, Rob and Josh.

Now, that's loud. Yeah, I know, because we're in a proper studio. You can normally get away with that. Everything gets picked up in here. Let me read this out, and then we'll talk about the fact that we've been doing an audio book with a creaky chair. He didn't have any drink. No, I know because I want to read this out.

Hi, Rob and Josh. Here's my 31-month-old daughter, Ellie, doing the introduction for you. We live in Oxfordshire, if Rob can guess. Too late. Ellie was born just before the first lockdown, so that was a barrel of laughs, as everyone knows. Listening to your podcast really helped me adjust to being a parent.

I'm finding it difficult not to read this in the style of an audiobook. Yeah, I know, but you also still sound like you've got chocolate in your mouth. A transition, I found. You need to wash that down. There we go. Drink it down. Don't rush it. You know you've got it.

Keep being sexy and relatable. Hayley, 434 months. Lovely. That was a nice clip, wasn't it? Yeah. But you stole the... It's weird. You look weird looking at me. Well, it's difficult, isn't it? We don't normally do this looking into each other's eyes. No, it's really intense. We're just so, like, in front of each other. Because we also spent the last three days looking at the iPads while... Exactly. Well, how have you been, Josh?

Good. How's the audiobook going? We've just Well, how have you been, Josh? Good. How's the audiobook going? We've just finished recording... We've just finished recording the audiobook. Of Parenting Hell, the book. Oh, it's been good, hasn't it? Great title. Great title.

Great title. We've got the book. We've got the audiobook, depending on, you know... There we go. Have you enjoyed the experience? Yeah, I don't... I'm not a massive fan of reading out loud. Yeah. However, it's been much more fun with you because we've been messing about. Yeah, I'm not a massive fan of reading out loud. Yeah.

However, it's been much more fun with you because we've been missing about. Yeah, we have been pissed about. There's extra stuff on there, isn't there? So that's great. So the book's out soon, isn't it? October the 13th. Yeah. So that's soon.

It's exciting, isn't it? Very exciting. Bloody hell. Please pre-order it so we beat... Peter Crouch. Has he got another book out? He can't. What else has he got to write about? There's no way he's got another we beat... Peter Crouch. Has he got another book out? He can't. What else has he got to write about?

There's no way he's got another book out, Peter Crouch. But he's done about nine books. Of course, he just loves to sit down and write Peter Crouch. He's always writing. He's always at his typewriter. He's like bloody Barbara Carland. Yeah, so that's done. That's why we're doing this face-to-face.

I've really enjoyed myself. It's been fun, hasn't it? It's so much more fun than doing it on your own. Oh, God, yeah. Doing an audiobook on your own is so soul-destroying. Do you know what's nice?

What? Tell me. Being in town. Because I've been working from home. No, I like it at home. Do you? Why do you like it here? What's happening here?

Because I haven't been into town. I haven't been into central London for about three years. You know what I did last week? Went into town. You went out west. I went out west. In EastEnders, I used to say that all the time. You know what I did last week? Went into town. You went up west. I went up west. In EastEnders,

I used to say that all the time. Yeah, they'd love, Peggy'd always be going up west. But I've enjoyed going up west. I had a chipotle for lunch. We had Nando's the day before. Yes, we're doing well. Don't tell this

because Lou and Rosie are this and they know what we've been doing. What? Having a chipotle? I think I can get away with that. Lou will be jealous that we had a Nando's. Yeah.otle? I think I can get away with that. Lou will be jealous that we had an Ando's. Yeah.

But then I'll just get her one. Yeah. How is it with the kids, Josh? Let's have a catch up on kids. We've got some correspondence. Yeah, good. School's going well. She's...

Loving it? Yeah, she is loving it. She is loving it. Which I know isn't good content. We've got situations coming up. What? It's her fifth birthday. Oh, the big one.

The big five. The big five. The big five. The big five? Yes. So we're kind of organising that. She's doing a joint birthday

because her friend's got the same birthday. Okay. Yeah. We're having a bit of... How's that planning going? Because I've got a bit of a birthday issue

with my kids. So it's been quite stressful because we were just about to announce the date of the birthday. What, like the royal family? Yeah. And then it turned out someone else was holding a party on the same day. What, in that school? Not from our school, from the nursery.

We're still really on that scene, if you know what I mean. We've only been at school for a month. So you're inviting our schoolmates to the party? We haven't discussed this yet. But I imagine we will, we will. You need to. Do you think inviting her schoolmates to the party? We haven't discussed this yet, but I imagine we will. We will. You need to. Do you think?

You've got to accept the transition. Yeah, we are. We're going to invite them. Yeah, definitely. And still the nursery friends. Yeah, obviously. We're not binning them off.

We're not like, well, I delete all your numbers from my diary. You're dead to us now. We're not in that nursery. I would. Is that what you do? Yeah.

Do you do that with everything? I am. When you left school, did you delete all the numbers of your friends from your diary? Me and Lou are having a little bit of a back and forth about this. Because in my four-year-old... You deleted her number when you were... Yeah, I blocked her.

No, so basically my four-year-old's birthday is coming up. And we're in the WhatsApp group with all the kids. In our school, there's two years. Yeah. So there's two year groups for each year. What? So... Two... There's two year groups. There's two year groups. Yeah. So there's two year groups for each year. What? So... Two...

There's two... There's two... There's two... There's two... There's two... There's two... Yeah, because there's so many kids, there's two...

There's two reception classes. Yeah, right. So with my oldest, what we did was both the classes sort of split off into... So it's like an A class and a B class. Yeah. So there's... But not one's better,

but just the way they've labelled it. So I'm in a WhatsApp group with all the year two mums and dads for one side of the year. Just one group. And there's about 20 kids in that class. 25 kids or something, right? 20, 25 kids in that class.

And then 20, 25 kids in the other class. Okay? Yeah. So now the reception year is the same, about 20, 25 kids in each class. However, together, there's about 40. 40 or 50. So at the moment, there 20, 25 kids in each class. However, together, there's about 40.

That's 50. 40 or 50. So, at the moment, there is one WhatsApp group existing and they're inviting everyone to the birthday party. What? Mental. No. Yeah. No. So, I was like...

So, you could say now, officially, if you're listening to this and your child is in the same year as your daughter but not in the same class, you don't want them there. Not that I won't want them there, they won't be there. Because the only way... Forget me being a bit comedically harsh, but we've booked a hall that can only have a certain amount of people.

Not Royal Albert Hall. We've booked the Palladium, OK? Now, we've booked a church hall thing, but you can only get a certain amount of kids in there. But with my daughters, cousins, friends... there are a couple of friends from nursery and then oh now we see now we see we just talk get on the old big chat but um so so that we literally can't get both sides of the year and so i said lou we need to send out an invite how would you do it would you start a new whatsapp group i've already done it in person what do you mean in school gates what you went up to each person no so like when simon cowell put someone through to boot camp all right can you

all step forward you're you're going to boot camp i've started getting kids from the other year and putting them in little like groups no so so basically we're at the school gate and I was chatting to one of the dads in the year two group about something. He went, how's your youngest getting on? I was like, yeah, good, blah, blah, blah. But however, there's only one WhatsApp group. They haven't split off into...

There's no splinter group yet. And they're inviting everyone to parties like that. And then a couple of the parents from the reception class were there. And I was like like it's madness that we haven't split into two groups because we can't do birthdays with like 45 kids

it's too many like that and I went it's ridiculous I went no offence when it's my daughter's birthday we're only inviting one

after the year right and I went it's mental and then one of the blokes went he went yeah because there's one party

that's off play and there's like five kids having joint birthdays and it's going to be mental. And then the other one went, that's my kid's birthday. And then it did get quite awkward. Oh, no. Oh, no.

So when are you sending out the invites or have you done it? I don't know. I've left Lou to deal with that. We had a bit of an argument about that. But I'm not trying to be horrible. I'm not trying to be mean. I just think going forward, it's a lot easier to just have your class. Would your daughter know the children in the other class not

really they don't basically they're separate and then they mix them next year right so then next year when they're mixed we invite that group it's not like you know but then it does get complicated if they do make friends with a kid that gets mixed but that's i just can't have 45 kids at a party josh is it gonna be on your house if you have 45 kids at a party right and both mums and dads come yeah right if they say they've got but you're not doing a drop-off party though are you going to be on your house? If you have 45 kids at a party, right? And both mums and dads come. Yeah. Right, if they say they've got a... You're not doing

a drop-off party though, are you? You love a drop-off party. Well, no, I want to do a drop-off party. Do you know what? You mentioned drop-off parties in the book.

Oh, yeah. The excellent book we've just recorded. That's available. No, but when they're in reception, sometimes people don't like to drop them

because they're a bit younger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if I have 45 kids and both their parents come, I'm up to 150. Oh, my word. Oh, my God. You know what I mean?

And then, oh, can I bring the siblings? So I'm not trying to be mean. have 45 kids and both their parents come i'm up to 150 oh my word oh my you know what i mean and then oh can i bring the siblings because so i'm not trying to be mean i'm trying to be sensible yeah well so i'll take you through our own issues so what's the issue your party so where is it talk me through the party so we were going to do it on the day of my daughter's actual birthday and her friend's birthday then the other mum that we're doing it with, she mentioned it to someone else and they said, that's when my daughter's having a party. Oh.

And we were like, oh my God, if only we'd just put it on the WhatsApp group, we would have gazumped them. Exactly, that's what I'm saying. But then... You've got to get in early. It was literally the only date we could do. So these people generously stood aside

and moved theirs to the Sunday. Oh, so the party's we could do. So these people generously stood aside and moved theirs to the Sunday. Oh, so the party's on the day? I felt instant guilt, obviously. Where's the kid's birthday, though? They've moved it to the Sunday. But when's that kid's birthday? In the week? No, it wasn't on the day.

I think that's fair, because it's on the day, but that is good of them. They need some respect. Very good of them. And yeah, I'd like to thank them. And you're not going to invite them? You're just going to invite them to the nursery? No, they're all invited. Oh, is that from nursery?

Yeah, yeah. They're all from nursery. They're all from nursery. Right, and so... You love this nursery. And so, then we've been struggling to get a venue. Because it's quite close. Oh, God, so you haven't booked anywhere yet?

Well, today... Yeah. I booked a room above a pub? Is it a fifth year, not their 18th? Yeah. OK, so you've got room above a pub. 75 quid extra if you want an open bar within the room. I'm not paying the 75 quid.

So you haven't got a bar? Yeah, downstairs. You have to go downstairs and get your drinks. I think that's OK. It's quite a good way to escape the party from it. I don't think you can have an open alcohol bar in a children's party. I think you've at least got to do the credit of having it in the other room. I think so.

Yeah, do the charade of, if you want a drink, go downstairs. I'll get around in, then I'll just stay down there, just bring the drinks up. Originally, Rob, we'd been going to do it in this church hall where Rose had been to a Charles party before and seen that they could have a bouncy castle within the church hall. Perfect. So we were like, we're going to do bouncy castle. That's going to be the big deal.

Yep. I've told my daughter about this this morning. Then the church hall falls through this morning. Oh, no. This pub we've got now, no bouncy castles. Can't get it in? No. So she's not going to have a bouncy castle?

No. I'm slightly worried about that. Have you told her yet? No. What are you going to say? I've been here. Sorting out this lunchtime. But not telling you because I thought it was a good podcast chat.

So also as well, it's not like, oh, I'm really sorry, but we can't have a bouncy castle because mummy and daddy can't afford it. That's not the problem. It's that you didn't care enough to book it in advance. I don't think that's right. So look, you're not going to have a bouncy castle because mummy and daddy can't afford it that's not the problem it's that you didn't care enough to book it in advance i don't think that's right so good look look you're not gonna have a bouncy castle because mummy and daddy left it too late to book but good news there's an open bar downstairs yeah great news if you want a little jaeger bomb our favorite to peter um so i was like can we drink at this event to the pub? Yeah.

Because I was like, are we allowed to have alcohol in the room? And they were like, yeah, we'd encourage you to. And I realised that obviously... Because they want to earn money, yeah. Yeah, they want to earn money. Anyway. So how many kids, what's the invite? They were going to do the Cajun pub.

Have you sent invites yet? No, we've not sent the invite yet. That's not... We've sent a save the date. Okay, that's fine. That's fine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Relieved. When did you send that out? Last... Last... Monday, maybe? What is this now? Wednesday? Wednesday.

So less than three weeks. Yeah, but they're all available because they're all going to the other party. It's not save the date, it's resurrect the date. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then you sent the save the date out,

and then they had to move it for you. Very nice pub. They've done us a big favour. Yeah. They asked us what we'd like for catering. Yeah. We said cheese and tomato pizza and sandwiches. We're happy to pay for that.

They came back and said, we're more than happy for you to bring your own food. Oh, so they're not going to... I think they realised... Is it a fancy pub? I don't know. I've never been there. You've never been?

My belly made a noise. You've never been there? No. So how do you know about this hall? It was recommended by the church hall and other people I know have been there. The church wouldn't send you somewhere bad, would they? No.

No, exactly. So what's going to be at the party? I think we'll have face painting. I think we'll have. Okay, I'll rephrase the question. What's been booked? Oh, party? I think we'll have face painting. I think we'll have. Okay, I'll rephrase the question. What's been booked? Oh, face painting. Oh, you have got one.

Yeah, okay. I think we'll do craft table. That's good. And then we need a big hitter. We thought if we had bouncy castle, we'd get away without entertainer. We were going big. Yeah.

But you need something. You need someone to run the day. Like an entertainer to go, right, we're going to do this now, do that now to run the day. Like an entertainer to go, right, we're going to do this now, do that now. We went to one without an entertainer and the kids are getting to the age where they can just play in their own right. True, but if you are just in a pub...

We're not in a pub. We're not in a pub. We're not like in the corner of... There's not going to be someone watching Sky Sports above it. Mind the darts, kids. No, but I'm just saying, if you're in a smaller room, you're going to need someone to, otherwise it would just be chaos, wouldn't it? Yeah, we'll see how it goes. Okay, well, that's good. Can you get an entertainment at this late notice? Almost definitely not. Yeah.

And anyone you can get, which probably isn't very good. Soft play? Get some soft play. I'm sure you can get some soft play. Is five a bit old for soft play? I don't know. How big is this pub function room? Can you get... We won't say the pub, obviously, but can you tell me

and then I can look at this pub function room? Let's have a look at their function room. Oh, yeah, it's a decent size. It's a little stage. I'm not doing anything. I think you definitely should get an entertainer because it's all set up for the kids to sit there and watch something. I know you doing anything. I think you definitely should get an entertainer because it's all set up for the kids to sit there and watch something. I know who you could get.

Who? Jared Christmas and his mates to do a beatboxing show for the kids. Yeah, but Jared Christmas has got to come up from Bath. I know that that's going to be costly. How much do you love your kid? Well, put it this way. I'm organising it two weeks late in a pub, so not that much.

Well, if you do that, then that's normally you have to pay a premium, don't you? But a bouncy castle's got to be pricey, isn't it? Yeah, I know, I know. Well, we'll see how it goes. But it looks like a good room. Looks like a good room. So well done, and it's got a big... It looks cool.

So that's been my week. That's been your week. Oh, I should say something now that you'll like. I've been getting into Blur. Have you? So I was so oasis that Bl'll like I've been getting into Blur Have you? So I was so oasis That Blur

I was a bit like Oh you're a tribal Yeah I was quite tribal Even though you're basically You're from Close to Blur No fuck Blur No

David Albarn He's proper Countryside Essex He gave it a big And of being a bit of a London boy But he's not They all went to Goldsmith Posh boy thing in New Cross

It's not It's not the same. But they're really good and I like them. And I didn't really like them when I was younger because I was Oasis. But I'm glad you've mellowed.

Do you know what? I think I've mellowed. And Rob, do you know what I've done? Because the Arctic Monkeys have been announced or been very heavily rumoured to play Glastonbury.

Does that make you tempted? Lou wants to go Glastonbury, so there's a potential that we're going to go Glastonbury with you and Rose. That has got classic episode written all over it. We could do one go Glastonbury so there's a potential that we're going to go Glastonbury with you and Rose. That has got classic episode written all over it.

We could do one at Glastonbury. An episode at Glastonbury without kids or without? Without. You're not going to take your kids to Glastonbury are you?

It would be funnier wouldn't it? I don't care what's funnier. It would be all funnier. I know I've seen. I've done something weird. Go on.

I've shaved my armpit hair. What? What do you mean? Like a lady? Yeah. Or any person can do it. Yeah, of course. Of course.

Like a lady or a weightlifter? Yeah. Well, basically, I was doing my chest hair. You know I was talking about grabbing onto my chest hair. So did you shave it with a wet shave? No, with like my beard. I've got a beard trimmer for my chest. Yeah, what great.

And as I was doing my chest, I just thought, why not? Why not? So I've whipped it off like... Can I have a look? Yeah. Whoa! Wait, wait. Like Frank Lampard on holiday.

Does Frank Lampard not have any... Oh, look, you've all got your cameras out now, you little... Let me just zoom in on that. That's horrible. What's it look like? Is it red? Michael's just come in to take a... Michael loves it.

It looks like it's Michael's first day out in two years. I'll be honest, Michael looked aroused. Michael, I've never seen him move so quick. He'd love that. But it feels a bit weird. And also, I'm recording my first TikTok tomorrow. Yes, this is very exciting. So you're going to eat the really spicy chip.

Yeah, I mean, how spicy can a chip be? Have you seen any videos of people doing it? No, I'm not on TikTok. Okay. Okay. I'm just saying, you don't have to do it. And then once you do it and you regret it, then I've given you it.

I can eat a ful with my eyes closed. That doesn't mean anything, does it? You know what your mouth is. You don't need your eyes. Fair enough. Bad example. Okay, fair enough. We'll do that and we're going to do the Sprite Challenge. Yeah. Like two middle-aged men trying to be relevant. So, I thought I'd do an update on I'm not

very anxious and I'm sleeping better. Right, you do seem a lot better. Yeah, do I seem chilled? Yeah, talk us through your journey. What is it you're doing now? What am I doing now? Yeah, that makes you feel good. And sleeping.

Let's not talk about that. For anyone who didn't know, Josh did a little... Yeah, the comedy, the old Eric Morecambe. The old Eric Morecambe sounds like a euphemism. I had a bit of the old Eric Morecambe last night. Meditation. Meditation. Meditation. Yeah.

That has taken the anxiety right down. So when do you do that? When you're getting anxious? In the morning and in the evening. Just when you wake up? How long for? Do you know what I did in the car? Driving?

No. I was very relaxed, but the other drivers were. I'll tell you that. It's about me. I've got to start putting myself first. I was chilled as fuck. So, I did it in the car here, because we get given a car to get here. Yeah, yeah.

Not given, you get a taxi. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, I just felt like I didn't... It was a bit weird, because I was just sat in the back of this guy's car. I do it all the time. Do you? So how are you meditating? I know there's different ways.

I shout a mantra, which is really... Do you? No, of course not. As long as your mantra's not turned left. No, so I've just... To him, I've just got my eyes closed. OK. But I did feel weird.

I put my headphones in to appear like I was doing something. That's fine. So you meditate, you don't have anything playing on your headphones, just silence and you're breathing. I've got a mantra. But you do it in your head. Yeah. This is transcendent.

Yeah, yeah. Jerry Seinfeld loves it, doesn't he? Jerry Seinfeld. Do you want to hear some of the celebrities that I was reading about? Go on. Cameron Diaent? Yeah, yeah. Jerry Seinfeld loves it, doesn't he? Jerry Seinfeld. Do you want to hear some of the celebrities that I was reading about? Go on. Cameron Diaz. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Josh Holm from Queens of the Stone Age. Okay. Yeah. David Lynch, the film director. And then Sam Allardyce. Big Sam Allardyce. Big Sam.

Big Sam. Does he look chilled? He looks quite chilled. Oh, I suppose he's in a stressful job. So you just sit there and you do whatever it is, some sort of breathing with a mantra. 20 minutes. 20 minutes of repeating that mantra in your head.

Yeah. But you can't tell anyone the mantra, can you? No. That's part of it. Yeah. I really want to know. Yeah. I don't want to ruin it for you.

No, I'm not going to tell you. Fair enough. What is it? What is it? Yeah. It's also my pin number. That's why I can't tell you 7568

7568 so anyway I did feel a bit weird in the car yeah go on I was just saying with that thing there must be ones

you can't have like the mantra they're given to you oh okay you can't let you you don't know whether everyone's got the same one you can't have 5678 you might start know whether everyone's got the same one. You can't have five, six, seven, eight.

You might start dancing. Yeah, exactly. I think H has got that. Yeah. Yeah. So. So you're in the car feeling weird. But I just didn't.

I felt quite self-conscious. Yeah, of course. Which isn't the ideal aim. Yeah, my anxiety went down, but then it came back up again when I did it. I'd recommend anyone to go on a TM course, though, if you suffer anxiety, because it's really chilled me out. Right. And the other thing is I've been doing things for my sleep. Right, you're sleeping better.

I've slept well for three nights in a row now. You do look like, at the moment, like someone who's joined a cult. Yeah, I have. You've got that overexcited energy that you're excited about your life. Yeah, because I'm awake for the first time in three months. I'm awake! To the man, to the machine no because i haven't been sleeping for three months no so yeah i'm doing this thing called sleep restriction okay where they go through a diary of how much you've slept over the last week or so and it's often so it'll be a lot and then a

little a lot and then a little because that tends to be how it works when you're struggling for your sleep. Right, what is a lot and what's a little? So I'd end up having a bad night where I had three hours and then a good night to make up for it where I had nine hours. Right. And then they average it out. And you're more just sort of collapsing with exhaustion

at the end of the day. Yeah, exactly. So she averaged it out, and she was like, you are sleeping on average six and a half hours a night. Okay. A bit more than Thatcher, but a bit less than Bill Gates. Yeah, exactly.

And so she said, you've got to just stick to that. Yeah. So never oversleep. So I've got to do six and a half hours sleep a night. So I've been going to bed at 10, and then lying there and getting het up. But now I'm going to bed much later, Rob. Okay, so what time are you going to bed? I'm going to bed at half 11 and waking up at 6.

See, going to bed at half 11 makes people feel a bit anxious because I'm like, that's too late. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But actually... And what if I don't get to sleep then? Then I'm only going to have four. But actually it's much better because you're going to bed knackered. Yes. And also, if it's not working

get up after 20 minutes. Don't just lie there. Go downstairs, listen to a podcast or something until you feel tired and then go back upstairs and try again. What if you live in a bungalow? Just you're fucked.

Find some stairs. Just get on the roof. Sit in the car. Yeah, exactly. Sit in the car for a bit, then come back. Oh, that's good. Yeah, so I'm feeling much better. So that's an update for everyone that was asking.

Well done. I don't know if anyone was asking. Yeah, we're all asking. Yeah, we're all asking. I've been sleeping on my back. That's going well. Oh, yeah? Why is that, then?

My tension headache, because I was getting blocked up nose and tension headaches. Apparently, if you sleep on your front, you can get that. So my nose is way clearer and stuff. And my tension headaches have calmed down a bit. I find it impossible to change sleeping positions. Nothing's impossible. Have you not seen the Adidas adverts? It's not based around you changing your sleeping position.

Why not? Sign me up. Why can't I get a deal? Just me laying there fully rigid. Tied to Adidas pyjamas. your sleeping position. Why not? Sign me up. Why can't I get a deal with just me laying there fully rigid? Don't tell Andy that's pyjamas. Someone said

a good way to stop sleeping on your front, though, is put a T-shirt on that's got a little pocket on your chest and put a tennis ball in it. Oh.

So that when in the night you do roll over into your front, you go, oh, fuck's sake, and then go back. Yeah, oh, that's good. That is clever. That's good. Oh, oh, that's good. That is clever.

That's good. Oh, oven news. So my eldest... Other news. Other news. I thought you said oven news. Other news. No, she's still got an oven.

Yeah, good. Probably dirtier than last week. That's an oven, isn't it? Yeah. My daughter got sent home from school on Monday lunchtime because she ate her lunch too quick and was sick. Right. Well, we don't know why she was sick, but she was sick in her lap at lunchtime because she ate her lunch too quick and was sick. Right. Well, we don't know why

she was sick but she was sick in her lap at lunchtime. So they sent her home in case it was a sickness bug. Yeah. It wasn't a sickness bug.

She's not been sick since and as she got home she was just the happiest, most energetic kid I've ever seen. So she's been off school all day Tuesday, all day Wednesday

going back Thursday. Oh, I'd be fuming. I'd be fuming. In case, it's not a sickness bug. I know it's not. No. So it's weird, because she's six now. It's like having a, like a tick, like a...

What's she doing with her time? Just wandering around in her pyjamas, like she's back from uni. I came home the other day, and I went, oh, what have you been doing today? Have you been helping Mummy? What's Mummy been doing? She went, Mummy's not done all of her jobs. Look at her list. She's not ticked them all off. Oh, my word. So she showed me my god she showed me lose um like sort of she's got like a

notebook and in it was just things she hasn't done and she just pointed them all out and read them she can read now just read out all the things she hadn't done brilliant absolutely that's interesting isn't it because does it six year old does that mess up your day as much as because when a two-year-old is suddenly sent home from nursery that is a total game changer yeah but with a six-year-old is it more well i'm trapped inside because she's there but i can still get on with my day yeah so but you can't so it just was quite difficult with like lou had meetings and had to go and speak to people but couldn't go because yeah we take a child with her and then also if she is ill she can't be seen just like running around the park.

But then if she's fine it's a balance isn't it? That's the problem. And also like the youngest is going in anyway. So any sickness bug that exists is getting taken into the school. Yeah I feel bad about being in this room with you now. But she's not a sickness bug. I just think she ate a sausage and mash too quick. Oh god that's heartbreaking.

Like a dog. I prefer this face to face. Do you? or are you finding it weird no i don't i don't mind it now i felt like it was weird at the start because we'd been sat in these positions all day yeah doing audiobook where it's sort of about being precise rather than just letting um but i do quite like not sitting in a car for an hour. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Or getting on the train. Yeah. I did have a Chipotle for lunch. Yeah, I know you said that.

I just can't get over it. You must be able to get that delivered to your house. I can, but it feels sad. It just feels... I thought it was called... The Chipotle... I never know what I've ordered, though, because they never write it on it.

I said no rice, and there was some rice. That's all I'm going to say. Really? Yeah. That's a shame. Are you off the carbs? No, I'm not totally but I thought it would tie me out

for the afternoon. There's too many snacks around here, Rob. Yeah, you've been guzzling all the chocolates. It's like Christmas. I had so many celebrations. I had a bounty yesterday, a little mini bounty

and it hurt my throat a bit. It's hard to choke down. I love a bounty. Very underrated. Yeah, they are good. It's hard to choke down. I love a bounty. Very underrated. Yeah, they are good. It's weird, isn't it? Because, shall I give you a... This is, like...

I was just thinking, like... We're saying we talk differently. If I was to read now, this is the difference in the audiobook and the... Okay, go on. In an annoying turn of events, when we first became parents, it feels weird now. It feels weird. Well, it is, but parents, it feels weird now. It feels weird. Well, it is, but yeah, it's because it's two different...

We just... It's two different skill sets, Josh, you know? Do you want some correspondence? Oh, yeah, shall we just talk quickly about the different doodles we've done? I tell you, why don't I talk them through yours and you talk them through mine? They're on our Instagram.

Oh, have you put them up? No, no, but they will be when this goes out. Yeah, so this is what we were doodling when we were sat. So yours is a scribble and some mountains. Yes, I always draw these mountains on the side of a page. And then the scribble in the middle, what I would do is get different colour and impens. Yeah.

Colour it in different colours. Oh, very nice. It does look a bit manic. And you have drawn a street. A busy street. A very busy street. Lots of houses and a road, a street. A busy street. A very busy street. Lots of houses and a road, a block of flats, and in some of the block of flats, windows are boarded up.

No, they're not boarded up. It's dark. It's dark? You know when the light's off? You know when you look at a block of flats? And you can see some people have got their lights on. So that's night time? I don't know. Because there's seagulls flying

I've never seen a seagull fly at night I assume that's daytime what does that mean I've never seen a seagull fly at night they don't birds go to bed

do they yeah I suppose they do you wouldn't fly around in the dark they haven't got I don't know when it is but the birds don't fly in the dark

because they can't see where they're going what I'd like is someone can birds see in the dark birds don't fly in the dark because they can't see where they're going. What I'd like is someone... Can birds see in the dark? Oh, God. Owls fly in the dark, obviously. Well, Rose is doing the pick-up and I've got three messages.

Okay, well, read them. I bet this isn't good. And I'll research this. Nocturnal birds do, of course, fly at night, but it's not uncommon for other birds to fly unless they're disturbed. Oh, well, there we go. It's not common for other...

So seagulls do not swim at night. Slits fly. Fucking hell. What's the message about? Oh, she was just struggling to get back from nursery. And what are you going to do about it? What a pointless message. Shouldn't be looking after two kids.

You should have said, oh, what's so what while you can't get a cab or a bus. No, she's got a cab now. Right, why don't you just reply, there's a car sitting at home you can drive if you want. I'd rather just pack my bags and leave, Rob. Yeah, if you want to learn to drive, you can and go and jump in the car. No, Rob, oh, Rob. Yeah, you could just say that i you know i couldn't i might just work on my street scene as soon as i mentioned that and it made you feel a bit strange you started coloring i started struggling coloring in my street scene but um

yeah if anyone at home is one of those people that can interpret doodles and what they mean about people's personalities yes could you send in an email it'll be on our instagram take a photo of it i'll take a photo of both of them next to each other interpret what we've done um right i'm gonna do some correspondence okay you do some correspondence okay here we go correspondence i might keep that pad always nice to have a free pad thank you snk studios snook here we go parenting failed you want this yeah okay hi guys here's an example of how not to parent that happened a few years ago now Thank you, SNK Studios. Snook. Here we go. Parenting failed. Do you want this? Yeah. Okay. Hi, guys.

Here's an example of how not to parent that happened a few years ago now that has always remained as an example of how not to parent also makes me less critical of others. Aprox 18 years ago, myself, my wife, and my nine-month-old daughter went on holiday. In the evening, you would go to reception and register for the child listening service. You'd give them your chalet number, your mobile number and which restaurant you will be in. So you could leave your child in the chalet.

My daughter was safe in her travel cot. Staff would walk around listening for any sounds. This seems dodge. If they heard a baby crying, you'd get a call. Different times. Different times. So there'd just be a stranger wandering around the chalet listening for babies crying. Ear to the wall with a glass. Imagine you get a call. Different times. Different times. So there'd just be a stranger wandering around the chalet, he's listening for babies crying. Ear to

the wall with a glass. Imagine that being your job. Oh my God. Shouldn't they just be a stranger? They should all do baby monitors and there should be a stranger sat there with all the different baby monitors. That would be so stressful. Anyway, this one evening wife and I went to the Italian on-site

restaurant. Lovely meal, drinks, wine, etc. All and I went to the Italian on-site restaurant. Lovely meal, drinks, wine, etc. All good. It overlooked the beach bar, so we went on to have a few more drinks on the beach, even getting involved in a beach volleyball game with the other residents. What? At night? Finally, around midnight.

Same as seagulls. I've never seen beach volleyball at night. Finally, around midnight. Jesus. What a late volleyball game, we returned to the reception to let them know we were returning to our chalet, having had a great evening. That's when we were told by the baby listening service

that it ended at 10pm. What? No way! That's incredible. Instantly sober, instant panic. We ran to the chalet. Daughter was absolutely fast asleep instantly sober instant panic oh my god we ran to the chalet daughter was

absolutely fast asleep as she tended to be normally totally safe and happy lucky as for two hours she was unmonitored

oh my word needless to say we didn't use the service again well I don't think it's the service's fault no just use the service

until it finishes and then go home I tell you the volleyball's a problem yeah yeah what were you doing Service's fault. No. Just use the service until it finishes and then go home. I tell you, the volleyball's the problem. Yeah. Yeah. What were you doing? We were playing beach volleyball, actually.

Needless to say, we didn't use the service again, taking her out of us every night and asleep in the pushchair. Our daughter is now 18, so no harm done. Regards, Andy Thomas Bracknell. Full name and location. Oh, great work. That's a great one, isn't it? Really strong.

Do you want one more? And then we'll do a bit of a small bee's news. Here we go. Hello, my name is Ben. And I want to share a story from a couple of years ago with you. Sounds like kids TV, doesn't it? Hello, I'm Mr. Tumble. I'm only just able to talk about it now.

Oh, my word. I had my daughter... My parents had me on the listening service at a... I had my daughter, Daisy, then aged two and a bit, for the morning and decided to go for a coffee and a baby Chino at a local cafe that I would often frequent. All was going well until the caffeine began to kick in and I realised that I was going to have to do a poo at the cafe.

Oh, God. Like many modern cafes, it had one of the large disabled loos with the baby change and space to park the buggy. We went in there and I told Daisy, don't touch anything, as I sat down to use the toilet. Daisy was pottering around

and she wandered over to the door of the toilet. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Which had one of the... Which one of the... Those locks that you just pulled down. Which one of the large handles... Yeah, I know exactly. Of course.

Of course you do. To make it accessible for disabled people. It turns out this also made it accessible to curious two-year-olds who don't listen to their daddy. As she went to lift the handle, I shrieked at her to leave it alone. Oh, God. But it was too late. Oh, God.

As I was sitting on the throne, mid-poo, the door swung open right onto the whole cafe of mid-morning coffee drinkers who turned to look at the commotion. I was now between a rock and a hard place. Daisy would not close the door thinking this game was rather fun. What would you do in that situation? I think I would say say someone push her back in

and shut the door and I'll hold her. And I would hold her by the back of her coat while I did a shit. What would you do? But would you get up in the cafe if someone shouted

someone pushed her back in? If I was in the cafe, I would get up and just do that without being asked. Because that way, the child's in there safe for the parent and the shame's gone. Or what I would do is just just do that without being asked because that way the child's in there safe for the parent

and the shame's gone or what I would do is just leave the door open pick the baby up and go do you want me to look after her for you you crack on

I was now in between a rock and a hard place and she found it rather fun and I was about two metres from it because we've never been in a toilet we need to poo

and there's no lock on the door yeah and that's fine if it's a pull open one but if it's a push in you're in trouble because if it's too far you can't put your foot on the door can you no i've done it before i've got my belt off and looped it round the handle so if they try and pull it open i can pull it shut and you have a bit of back and forth. Anyway. I was about two metres from the door.

That would... That would... That would... I just remember the time I was at a curry house with my brother. He went to the toilet and as he went in he opened the door and he saw a man bent over

wiping his bum and he couldn't eat his curry and he went out. Because the man was in front of him in his eyeliner. So he just went home. Oh God.

Anyway, so it was two metres from here. That would require a bent over, pants around the ankles waddle. That's even worse. In order to close it. There'll be no small business today after this story. It's a big business.

Thankfully, a nice young lady raced to my aid and wiped my bum. No, I'm joking. A nice young lady raced to my aid and gently swung the door shut. Allow me to pull my pants and trousers up and make a swift exit from the toilet and cafe. Oh, God. Would you go back to your seat in that situation? No way. No, you'd gone immediately.

It was the most embarrassing moment of my life and I've never drunk coffee since. What? That's extreme. That's a weird reaction. I don't think... I suppose if he's anxious,

a coffee's going to make him need a poo immediately. He might have IBS. Yeah, but you could do it in a situation where you're not looking after a two-year-old. There we go. This is Ben.

Well, there we go. Absolute pleasure. Thank you, Ben. So, Josh, this is a call into schools. Hi, lads. Thought I'd share a story of a time my mum got called into school. When I was around seven years old, my mum was called into school by the teachers to disgust me, telling my whole class that my dad was a murderer and he had killed our brother.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh my God. Our mum had no idea I was doing this so I was quite shocked to hear it. But much to the disappointment of the primary school teachers who thought they were getting some sort of weird EastEnders gossip that my dad had another family we had only just discovered, it turned out

I was still upset about the family dog being put down and blamed our dad for his death. Oh, my God. Safe to say, Mum cleared my dad's name to the teachers and I was told to stop telling everyone my dad killed my brother. Just as an FYI, the dog was poorly and needed to be put down, so it wasn't like my dad did it for fun.

Loving the podcast. Keep the episodes coming. Louise. Well, thank you, Louise. It's been an absolute pleasure to hear your correspondence today. Shall we have a quick small business shout-out? Oh, yeah. Get a bit smally-bee. Yeah. Hello, Josh

and Rob. If you're looking for a non-Southeast London small business shout-out, I've got one for you from Northern Ireland. Oh. And it's even child-related. Oh, that's good. My friend Grace set up the Sensory Submarine in November 2020. She's a mother of two and a friend Grace set up the Sensory Submarine in November 2020. She's a mother of two and a registered occupational therapist.

The Sensory Submarine sell play kits, which are beneficial and hugely enjoyable for all children, but with specialist knowledge of working with children with autism and sensory preferences. If you go on their blog, you will also find resources and game ideas that can be prepared using things most people will already have at home. Thank you, Mick. That is The Sensory Submarine on Instagram and Facebook.

The website is The Sensory Submarine. TheSensorySubmarine.com That's good, isn't it? That is nice. That is very good. Lovely. Hi, Rob and Josh. S-U-B-M-A-R-I-N-E dot com. The Sensory Submarine dot com. That's good, isn't it? That is nice. That is very good. Lovely. Hi, Rob and Josh.

We're not parents, nor wish to be at the current moment. All right? All right, OK. What about now? But our big fan... What about now? We are now parents. We are big fans of the podcast at the current moment. We've just begun our small business running pop-up pottery workshops

around Bristol. Bristol. For the parents who need a bit of a break from their kiddies, it's Creative Outlet. We do hand-building pottery workshops in various pubs, Freepint included in some places,

and plant shops, etc. More info on our Insta at thisisgoodpottymouth.workshop I like it. Good stuff. Cheers, Meredith and Naomi.

That is us done for the day, Rob. Yeah, that is great. This sensory submarine is brilliant.

They've got loads of stock on there, especially if you've got a child of autism and they're into sensory stuff. It's amazing. There we go.

Oh, that's cool. That's nice. See you on Friday for an interview. Denise Welch. There we go. It was a classic. Oh, that's cool. That's nice. See you on Friday for an interview. Denise Welch. There we go. It was a classic.

Oh, she's amazing. It was brilliant. Right, bye. Bye. Kooey, just a little message to say. Hola. Bonjour. Guten Tag.

Ciao. Konnichiwa. I am back on Monday with Series 4 of Life's a Beach with hilarious holiday tips and tales, starting with special guest, amazing BAFTA-winning comedic genius, Daisy Mae Cooper. It's the best thing I've ever done. I have never enjoyed something so much.

Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to thing I've ever done. I've never enjoyed something so much. Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy ride.