Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP26: Rachel Parris

Episode Date: October 21, 2022

 Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant comedian, musician, actress and presenter - Rachel Parris. You can catch Rachel in the hilarious 'Austentatious' show in November and December. Details here; https://www.austentatiousimpro.com/shows/london/ Thanks, Rob + Josh. We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... What are you going to say? Robert. And then do you remember the other name? Josh Widdicombe. Josh Widdicombe. Good job.

Sounds like a television book. Good job. Yeah, that was... Hi, Rob and Josh. Hi. This is my 26-month-old. What's that mean? Two and and a bit caleb who hasn't stopped saying your names now that i've asked him to well he did stop saying mine he was born at the

beginning of the pandemic so those first few months were very tough oh covid caleb thank you for sharing all the parenting stories and causing lots of laughs out loud moments in our house also big shout out to lou oh yeah as i'm also enjoying following her on instagram yes that's right lou you are an influencer keep up the good work boys and hopefully we'll get to see you when we can come to cardiff rosie 30 ish brecon mid wales um there are some a few little uh the live tour is next april April I think yeah next April and there's also some smaller venues on sale soon

or will be on sale we're doing like Portsmouth Warm Up ones right Warm Up it won't be as good they're the work in progress ones

so make sure that when we hit the arenas we're on fire so we're doing Portsmouth I think Canterbury Hexham at North Allerton

Barnard Castle Barnard Castle. Barnard Castle. We'll have a bit of a laugh with that. Oh, bloody hell. Glasses. Have we got the glasses? I bet you guys haven't heard this before. You're Barnard bastards.

Here we go. Yeah, and a few other places. I don't know. Do you know what I'd like? Imagine what one of those tickets would look like as a bookmark in our own book as a Christmas present. That's a good Christmas. You dirty book as a christmas present that's couple of bookmarks maybe four bookmarks in a book and then some headphones that are attached to the audio book exactly exactly wrong um or or not or not um right should we do some

we've not done correspondence we just take take take from our listeners we don't give now let's take their content now and farm it back to them it's good content sell them themselves back what have you done there I went to put my feet up because I looked forward

to the correspondence and it made more noise than I thought here we go okay a story on the topic things your parents were called into school for yeah

when me and my sister were in primary school one day we were all made to come inside from the playground but we didn't know why then the police arrived and a helicopter started circling above my mum received a call from the school to say my sister who i think was in year one at the time had told a teacher she had seen a man in the bushes with a gun oh my word a school playground ran alongside a dodgy alley

where your standard 1990s glue sniffers and flashers... Flashes in the alley? Flashes in the alley. I mean, you're not going to get much footfall there, are you? She's written this like it's a... Oh, the glory days. The glory days. Just a glue sniffer and a flasher.

Yeah, get the copy decks down the alley, get my knob out. Where they frequently hung out. So a gunman wasn't a totally wild claim. Of course she hadn't seen a gunman at all and made it up. Oh, my God. Also, they said, when she was in reception, she hung a boy from the school sundial with one of those fabric PE bands that you wore over your shoulder.

Remember them? What? You'd wear a little sash to be a colour in sports day oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah like a fat man's belt over your shoulder yeah yeah yeah of course um yeah so she hung a guy her sister sounds dangerous hi rob and josh i wanted to share a story about what happened a few years ago when my daughter was about 18 months year old did that on purpose oh nice nice no 18 months old 18 months year old. Did that on purpose that time. Oh, nice, nice, nice. 18 months old. 18 months, months, months.

Because I keep saying the year. She was feeling a little ill one evening, but her temperature wasn't too bad, so we thought a good night's sleep would sort her out and in the morning she would be fine. About 2am, my daughter starts to cry and cough. Knowing that a cough was usually a precursor to my daughter vomiting,

my wife sprung out of bed, picked her up and took her down to the kitchen. The kitchen is the only floor in the house with laminate flooring, thus making the potential clear up much easier. That's so depressing. That's really good. Just running with a child near something wiped clean.

Oh my God. Anyway, suddenly it happened. My daughter erupted from her mouth and nose. My wife was holding her over her shoulder, so the enormous spew fell mostly on the kitchen floor with my wife's hair, shoulder and back collateral damage. That's horrible, isn't it? Yeah.

This is happening every night in households across the country, just a child being sick. My dog suddenly arose from his slumber. Oh, no. Oh, no. I know where this is going. Knowing that when the small human drops something on the floor, it usually equalsumber. Oh, no. Oh, no. I know where this is going. Knowing that when the small human drops something on the floor, it usually equals food,

he rushed over in anticipation of a late-night slack. In his enthusiasm, he sprinted into the lumpy puddle on the floor, much bigger than he anticipated. His excitement was too much. He had all four paws in the previous evening's partially digested mush. All four paws gave way. Legs akimbo, meaning the dog's underside was covered from chin to tail in chunder. Oh, my God.

From chin to tail in chunder. That's beautiful. Also, I forget dogs have chins. Well, they don't really. They're quite, like, chinless. It's a jaw. Yeah. Is it a chinny?

I suppose. Yeah, a dog's got chins, mate. You haven't seen a dog with a big chin, though, have you? I've touched around there. That's a jaw. Yeah. Is it a chinny? I suppose, yeah. Dog's got chins, mate. Yeah, you haven't seen a dog with a big chin, though, do you? I've touched around then. That's a bit weird, isn't it? I said nice, you said weird. That was like your first date with Rose. It's a bit weird, actually, I think, there, Josh.

I liked it, Rose. My daughter's still crying from her first explosion, then decided it was time for round two. Oh, no, not on top of the dog. No, no, no. My wife hadn't moved too much in the few seconds it took for my dog

to barely flop into the puddle. Round two landed squarely on top of my dog. Oh my God. Oh God, it's a spew sandwich. Meaning he was pretty much a furry, vomity ball of fluff. Oh my God.

A shower for my wife, a bath for the dog and a shit tonne of kitchen roll for me to clear up the mess we all required at 2am. My daughter, clearly some sort of evil genius, managed to escape the events of the evening without getting anything on her so went to sleep. That's incredible.

In the same PJs. Same PJs? Just out of the mouth. Oh dear. Keep up the good work Pete lovely email that Pete great work Pete do you want another one

yeah here we go hi gents I was listening to your mining class episode where somebody said they listened to you during labour

and I can confirm you're also part of my birth story for our second child in true second time mum fashion my labour progressed quickly and we left the journey to the hospital

a little later than we should have. My husband and I are big fans of your podcast so I can understand why he thought planning one of the episodes on the drive to the hospital would be a good idea whilst I did my best to breathe through the contractions and generally stay in the zone.

Sadly, it was... Beep that name out, but keep it in, Michael. I think that should be a running... The thing is he resumed one where we had previously left off and it started with you both laughing quite a lot with the occasional okay frequent swear word thrown in no offense lads but in that moment without any context of what you were laughing at it threw me off a little and it just felt like i

was being heckled i knew this was my husband's attempt to help me in a thoughtful way, so I did my best to continue my focused breathing. But it was difficult as you both shouted, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, for no reason whatsoever, it seemed to me at the time. Now we have a newborn, Nell, and a three-year-old, Layla, and can't wait to get to the magical ages of one and four that Josh makes sound so fun. Oh, God.

Rachel Milton Keynes. I think that's interesting that that's the first voice that maybe a baby hears. It could be ours. Yeah, that'd be a terrible thing to come into the world, me and you just moaning about our week. What did you listen to? Did Lou have a birthday? No, it's very traumatic. You can read about it in the book.

Yeah. I'm not going to get bogged down by that now. Okay. What should we bring on the guests then? Yes. Rachel Paris. Rachel Parris. Rachel Parris, welcome to the show. Hello.

How are you? I'm fine, thank you. Yeah. Good. For a show called Parenting Hell, I am child free today. Oh. Yeah. I thought you were going to say completely.

I was going to go, this is going to be a long interview. Yeah, we've put the child up for adoption, actually actually It's really quite a lot of hassle we found out We just changed our minds We were just tired in the morning So it was not worth it And we're not tired now So it actually worked out really well We've still got the photos

Rachel how old is your baby? He is 14 months? 15 months? Is that still your baby? He is 14 months, 15 months. Is that still a baby? Is that a toddler? Well, he's walking now, so I think officially it's a toddler. Yes. Officially a toddler. But I think it's perfectly normal that I still try and hold him horizontally

and sway him and sing to him a song that goes, you're still my baby, you're still my baby. Yeah. That's normal, isn't it? I think that's absolutely fine, not problematic at all. I think once he's talking, maybe you need to knock that on the head. My mum still does that with my youngest brother when he's 34. And Rachel, for people that don't know,

you're married to Marcus Brigstock, a comedian that we all know as well. That's correct. And just to clarify, our baby is with him, not just away. Yeah, so that's your baby together. And he's got children from a previous relationship. So are you stepmum? Is that a thing? I am, yeah.

I'm stepmum to two teenagers. Well, I say teenagers. One of them's 20. So the other one's about to turn 18. So let's start with the baby first. The toddler. The toddler, sorry. He's still my baby.

How involved are you, I suppose, as the stepmum role? Because it's sort of a weird sort of thing to be when they're so old now. Yeah, so I came into their lives when they were um 13 and 15. oh perfect age i bet they love that i bet you love that just staring at each other all awkward yeah i'm sure they were absolutely over the moon um do you know what like they were really good i think it was hard for them and hard for hard for all of us because blended families are hard but actually you know uh you read about teenage kids and especially step kids who have every reason to act out actually and you know they've they've just been pretty amazing to be honest and i i mean it's different because

i was never able to truly mother them if you know what i mean you know they've got a fantastic mum and that was never my job you came in early doors putting some really harsh rules things are gonna change around here it's a new set of rules welcome to paris town but i think they get a bit of a bad rep teenagers I don't feel like they're as bad as what everyone's anxiety tells you they're gonna be because I think that's the big worry isn't it everyone's goes oh you wait you wait till they're teenagers but I think a lot of teenagers are just quite quiet and polite 100 100 like I think I think teenagers I think the one thing with teenagers

is no matter how kind of socially aware and politically interested they are and all that kind of thing I think teenagers are quite inward looking and i think that is that from that comes a lot of the things that people moan about which is being sort of tormented souls uh hence every uh both of my stepkids did uh gcse drama and their drama pieces and all of their friends throughout the, drama pieces were about, you know, murder, suicide, like huge topics for teenagers. It's changed a lot since I was a teenager. I mean, panini sticker albums and breasts. Do you want to know what my GCSE drama was? I do.

My GCSE drama piece was set in a, I was a blinded soldier in a World War I hospital. Really? I was a blinded soldier in a World War I hospital. Really? And then we came up with this ourselves. And the guy next to me would tell me stories about this woman that walked past the window. Where's this going, Josh? I'm just telling you what my GCSE drama piece was.

At the moment, you've spoken more about this than Rachel has spoken about her kid. No, I need more context. Did you write this? Was it devised? Josh, tell us about your drama GCSE. Well, I need more context. Was this, did you write this? Was it devised or? Well, Josh, tell us about your drama, GCSE. Well, I, we wrote it as a group, but it was mainly written by Harry Long,

who went on to have a small part in Doc Martin. Oh, okay. Wow. All right. Yeah, so anyway, I was blinded, and there was a woman that walked past the window that the other soldier would tell me about, and she was kind of my hope.

You know, yeah, I'm a fantasy woman, and then at the end, the other soldier died, a new soldier goes tell me about, and she was kind of my hope. You know, yeah, I'm a fantasy woman. And then at the end, the other soldier died. A new soldier goes into the bed, and I ask him whether the woman's walking past the window. And he says, there is no window. Wow, that's good. Hands on the back seat. Oh, my God.

I thought you were going to say there's no woman. No. There's no window. That's even deeper. I think the line was, it's's no woman. No. There's no window. That's even deeper. I actually, I think the line was, it's a brick wall. Oh, right. That's not as gently done.

I think you've got better delivery now. It's a lot to do with the structural integrity of the building than I thought. Yeah. Now I just feel like, why are you putting wounded soldiers in rooms with no windows? It doesn't need a window. Oh, he's blind. Yeah, he's blind. Yeah, but they're brave.

They're brave. Oh, I hear what you're saying, Josh. Blind people don't need a window oh he's blind yeah he's like yeah but it's better it'll have a breeze oh I I hear what you're saying Josh blind people don't need windows no no no no you've made that very clear lock them up

oh god oh god let's go back to your toddler baby no no go back to sorry you were talking about your step kids drama clock

there and there oh yeah so I just think I just think that there there's a weird mixture, which is this generation, to be fair, have had to put up with a hell of a lot already. You know, they've been brought up in a big recession.

They've had COVID, NHS not at all equipped to cope with their mental health struggles. So I do feel... And they have to have social media. Yeah, social media. Yeah, they have social media and bullying online. And some of them haven't got pubes yet

and that's really going to be getting in their head yeah all the old pubies are you going back to your teenage years I was desperate for pubes but that's another story Rachel

I've been shaving my armpits but that's separate have you yeah yeah what are you doing swimming what am I doing I just don't like having

an airy armpit Adam Peaty well no I just think why do I need long airy bits out my arms they just get all sweaty and horrible I might as well keep them short.

How long is it? Well, I'd say, if they're unleashed, are you looking at three to four inches? That is very long. They're all blonde, so it looks like I've got a tiny woman in my arms, and it's just their hair coming out.

Sorry. Sorry. So you're... I just... My favourite bit of the interview is the shock in Rachel's voice. How long is it? I think that...

Well, I was about to dig in deep about pubic hair, but I think, you know, there's a happy medium, isn't there? I think it should be gender neutral. Just keep it trim. Yeah, the thing is, I think you don't want it completely bald because a man's penis looks like a mole rat. So what you want is just a nice splatter in a pubic hair, but not a big bush that's overwhelming for everyone involved.

There we go. And I will not be moved on that. You know, and women's bits don't look like a mole rat, but I sort of think you still want to look like a human, don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, so what was their drama pieces? This is the most digressing we've ever done

in my life I love it But I just can't be clear enough there wasn't a window picture that right There was no window in this war veterans hospital I'm absolutely blown away by that

I'm not going to sleep tonight So that is a good question are you sleeping tonight? How's your child asleep? No but we have finished a story about the drama GCSE that your stepkids did. Oh, no, that was it.

Just that I think that was probably the most sort of cliche teenage thing of everyone in their school did these incredibly profound, incredibly serious, depressing topics, which I think mostly their lives hadn't been touched by. But also that kind of inward looking can extend to just you know not being great at washing up and stuff like that which is the more traditional thing you know like but no that I'm very lucky that they're both they're both brilliant and they really so Marcus before he asked me to marry him he obviously didn't ask my dad because I'd have hated that and told him off

for being patriarchal he asked his kids for permission yeah yeah that's nice and you know they said they're really funny kids and they said uh yes crucially uh but they said like um i think alfie said something like oh oh, you didn't need to worry. We're far too naive to realise how this will impact us in the future. And Em said, oh, my dad's all grown up. Oh, bless. That's nice. So he didn't ask your dad.

So did your dad walk you down the aisle, Rachel? Yeah, he did, actually, which was quite a traditional gesture. Because when you look at that, they've literally given you away. It feels sort of like taking their daughter to a market, don't they? Because that's what Lou was saying about it. It's sort of a weird tradition, isn't it, that you're giving away. But it is nice. That's it, isn't it?

It's a nice tradition, but it is actually, if you look at it, like the same with asking for permission, it is a bit like, can I have her? Cheers, mate. You're going to pass her on? Yeah, drop her off, will you look at it, like the same with asking for permission, it is a bit like, can I have her? Cheers, mate. You're going to pass her on? Yeah, drop her off, will you, Danny Isle? Sunday about 11. Knock a tenner off.

Exactly. Let's nicely ask the kids because you want, everyone's got to be on board, haven't they? Especially when it's a new sort of marriage on the cards. You don't want that drama at a wedding. Well, that's it, yeah. Yeah, exactly. With the stepfamily, like, it's been really good for me i was the youngest child yet and i think that i kind of got my own way a fair bit when i was growing up um and i think being part of a blended

family is very much kind of realizing it's it's and they hate i really hate to even say these words but it's not all about me um Also two comedians marrying as well. There's a lot of who's it about. That's been really hard to take. Still learning, still learning that. And so with your 14-month-year-old baby. No, not year old, 14-month-old. Oh, sorry.

We do this all the time. I've caught that of you. Yeah, I know. It's spreading. 14-month-old. And also, Josh, me and Rachel are interested in what you do with your pubic hair, which we'd like to find out

either now or later on. I shave it off and make collages of you. Okay, that's... Lovely. I think I'll take that as a compliment. Yeah. But I want the serious answer as well at the end. Okay, cool.

I want to know what you're doing with your pubes. Sorry, Rachel, but we'll get that from you at the end. We'll circle back to it. We'll circle back to that. We'll make sure we plug Ostentatious, your show that's on in London, and then we'll get back to Josh's pubes

and it'll just finish perfectly. Brilliant. Brilliant. We've never had a plan of action before, have we? Yeah, I mean, if you were writing an agenda for a podcast, that's what you'd want, isn't it? You'd want pubes, Jane Austen improv, the end. Any other business?

Yeah. Any other business, yeah. So? 14-month-old. Yeah. What was the question? Sleeping? Was so 14 month old yeah uh what was the question sleeping was that oh that was the quote blimey this has been this has been absolutely these are the best ones when it goes all over the place there's nothing there's nothing worse than a linear interview imagine if you just asked your questions and I went, yes. Do you enjoy having a child?

Yes. Yeah, cool. Yeah, me too sometimes. So you heard the **** episode though. Yeah, so how's sleep going with a 14-month-old, Rachel? Do you know what? It's mostly good. He's been a pretty good sleeper from, you know,

that point where they sometimes are a few months in. So he sleeps through the night. He's been getting cold after cold after cold so that wakes him up in the middle of the night occasionally but mostly he's good he wakes up at about um 6 30. It's mad isn't it that that's good? Yeah I mean that is that is mad like I'm so used to getting up at 10 before that it was it was obviously a big shock but i think once you've been through that newborn stage of up every two hours then you'll always forevermore appreciate just anything that is a solid a solid block of six hours is absolute luxury oh six hours i'd take someone offered me six hours every night for the next 10 years i'd take it now i've been on four and a half to five hours this week.

Have you? And I feel really weird. How old are yours? Mine are six and four. It's not really been them. It's been my workload, really. Because I've got loads of gigs booked in the evening. And we've been on this book promo.

They make you get up really early and go to all the morning shows. So it's like I've sort of been out all day. So I get in late and then up early. Yeah. And then sort of groggy in the day. But it's so doable because I'm just sort of used to it now. You just don't sleep that much. Yeah.

Yeah, I used to really worry about, like, getting up for something. And now you're like, I still don't have to set my alarm if I'm on Lorraine. Same. Same. I still can't get over that, like, the concept of not having to set your alarm, like, for the foreseeable. that that like the concept of not having to set your alarm like for the foreseeable but also like having a longer day for the rest of your life you know I was used to the day being from like 10 till 10 kind of thing yeah and now like from six it's just this extra few hours that you didn't have before I mean yes you can't do anything with them you're just it's not like you can go

frolicking and having incredible adventures but you know it's just nice to have those extra hours in the day in a way and you was in um you had obviously you had him in lockdown um sort of a weird sort of near the end version of lockdown i imagine and yeah obviously marcus has had two children before how was it for him did he was he remembering stuff or was he more experienced or were you butting heads a bit because it's sort of like it was your first time, but he's had kids before. How was that?

Did it work all right or was it frustrating? I think that there were things that did have a big impact that he'd had kids before, and that was a sort of relaxedness around a lot of the things that new parents would panic around and have so many questions. I think it gave him a certain level of chill particularly with regards to like just holding the baby and putting clothes on him and changing him i mean change it like he instantly was just fine in terms of changing and bathing and practical things like that which was great um but also you know for

me like being worried about supporting every bit of their body and trying not to hurt their little arms when you put clothes on and being so delicate physically with them. I'm not saying you threw them around, but like... But you do get into a point where you go, they're not going to break. Yeah, exactly. And he got there sooner because, you know, he's done it before. I'll never get over the soft bit on the top of the head, though. Oh, no.

I can't deal with that at all Support the neck Support the neck As much changed in parenting Do you think In the intervening 18 years Yes I think it really has He said it has

So yeah just a lot of the general advice And obviously every Feeding story Every labour, every um all of that is different for everyone so that's not something you can carry forward from last time and yeah like all the food the food has changed you know like uh what's advised has changed and you do things at slightly different times you know because you know how long we would have had him sleeping in our bedroom isn't how long he might have before and so yeah i think there was a lot that was new have you

clashed over any of it or was it quite seamless he wanted him uh he was pushing more for him to stop sleeping in our bedroom before i was i was like but what if in the middle of, what if he needs us and how will I know if he's alright, if I can't hear him breathing I need to hear him breathing all the way through the night and Marcus was like I think it's very important that he moves into a second room and what point was that?

I think it was six months that's about right I think you do feel a bit like the amount I used to just watch their chest going up and down for hours That's about right, I think. Six months. Yeah. That's about the normal time. You do feel a bit like, oh, yeah, but I just need... The amount I used to just watch their chest going up and down. Oh, God. For hours.

This is not helping anyone. Just go and check that they're not dead. Just go and check they're not dead. The whole time. It's awful, isn't it? That's why you can never enjoy a longer nap. You know when you get a nap that's longer than it normally is? Yeah.

The last bit of that,'m just thinking oh god are they dead so i can't enjoy the longer nap anyway so i don't get the extra joy because you're like he's been asleep for three hours now it's horrible and did we me and lou have got stuff in the loft in case we have another baby right rachel and um well no but like that's a revelation no not in case but a bit like well let's sort of someone might need it or you know it's in case you have another baby but you look you're having another baby no we're not having another baby but if so what i'm trying to say is is there anything that marcus sort of brought out going oh i've got this from last time 20 year old dusty car oh god i'm just trying to think now nothing major um i mean there's some

cute stuff like his his uh big sister's like still got some cuddly toys in her room that he loves so cute stuff like that and there's still a few uh i think there were some baby books that he had so yeah the odd thing but nothing nothing major we didn't have just like a cot in the utility room or anything. But there's a cot in my loft that has not been slept in by a child for what would be nearly three and a half, four years. And what's the plan with it? Don't know.

No? Well, it's just quite heavy and it's in the loft. If you moved house, do you think you'd take the cot? The problem with the loft is you're never in there. When you're in the front room, you're like,

I'll get rid of that or move that on. It's in the way. Once it it's in the way once it's in the loft yeah it might as well just be there forever yeah yeah so i would say that is true i say that's someone who hasn't got one and would really like one for that exact reason to never have to see that stuff well no but yeah but all that will happen is you when you have to move again you're just reminded of the stuff you you should have thrown away oh you haven't and when you move you go this is a great chance for me

to reassess all my belongings and then you go I'll just fucking shove it in the loft I've got a box of stuff from our flat before we moved

into our house that I was supposed to unpack into the flat but never did moved it to the house I was like I'll just take it straight in the loft

so it's not ever been unpacked in two moves I don't need that stuff what is it don't know i've got two boxes of it me and marcus have um you know like in every relationship there's like key differences between you yeah that sometimes lead to arguments and they're the same arguments all the way through your relationship. Yeah. That's true.

Right. That is true. I'm really chilled and Rose is really uptight. That's the main issue. Yeah. That kind of thing. Yeah. One of the things with me and Mark is that I'm quite a give it away, clear out kind of person.

Yeah. In terms of belongings. With the exception of greetings cards of which I keep every single one ever. Yeah, I do that. Why am I doing that? I'm never going to read them. Right in boxes but he is uh i think he would resent me using the word hoarder but uh you used it i have put it out

there so um he's very emotional and sentimental and pretty much everything he ever buys even it's like a knickknack from christmas like that is he's still got like sentimental value to him so we are considering maybe moving house um uh at some point in the future and we were talking about the process of like oh we'd have to like maybe put some stuff in storage to kind of get the house on the market would we and then I suppose if we did do that that big I was like that'd be a good chance to decide you know what to keep and what to give away that would be a good opportunity to go through and be like oh we haven't touched this for three years let's give it away and he was just really quiet and was like no no I I don't think it would be a good time to do that and I was like well it would

wouldn't it because you know we'd be literally going through all of our stuff thinking about where it might go and whether it's going to come into our future with us and he was like no no no um keep that i think we'll just keep it let's just take it all i think you think i think you need it needs to be like a proper guidelines though because if it was you know like i said like oh we've not touched that in a year let's give it away i mean at the early stages i would would have had to have given away my penis. Of course. That was not touched for nearly two years, but I'd want to get rid of it,

just in case in the future. It's got sentimental value. There's memories there. Josh is like, you know what? We haven't touched this pube collage of Rob Lecker's face for ages. So was it, is it your place together, or did he already have the place,

and then you moved in? Because that's always a bit of a dynamic, isn't it? Yeah, it's a dynamic. Good phrase. Yeah, it was his place. Yeah. So it's difficult, isn't it? Yeah.

To sort of go get rid of that. But then when you do move to your place together, that is the opportunity. Exactly. It's quite, it's one of those things that like, you know, moving is, it's more than just a change of house. It is exactly, it's us for the first time choosing it together. If you could pick one thing that you could just go, click your fingers and it's gone, that he's haunted, what's the one thing that haunts your dreams?

Don't make me choose. You can pick three things. Also, I'm really enjoying this, Rachel. Normally we ask this at the end of the episode about what frustrates them about their partner, but you voluntarily brought it up midway through. But that's good because we've got the pubes at the end of the episode. And also, you're ostentatious.

That's next, that's next, that's next. Okay, he has got a lot of obscure cooking equipment, ranging from fondue sets to like knife sets. Yeah, gadgets like that. Popcorn maker. He's got a spare kettle in the cupboard. A spare kettle? And I have three times I've been like,

we don't need to keep a spare kettle. And he says he keeps it for touring, but he's never taken it on tour with him there's a kettle in every hotel and theater i know no that is not acceptable also if you if your kettle does break you can get one off the internet next day or go to the shop or just use a saucepan for the time in the meantime use a saucepan there we go the kettle so the spare i think the spare kettle I just check, has he bought that as a spare kettle? Or has he ended up with... No, I think it's like maybe his old kettle that he just didn't throw away.

Oh, so he's upgraded, but he's kept the old one as a backup. Yeah. No, that is hoarding, that is. Because what happens if another kettle comes along? I know. You get a free kettle. You go on a TV, you go on Sunday brunch, they give you a free kettle

for some weird reason. You bring it home, you've got two reserve kettles. You can have one upstairs. I'll tell you what we are hoarding as well. Pointless trophies. Pointless trophies? Well, the actual pointless one,

or pointless ones. The one that you get just for appearing on it, on Pointless, the show. Oh, so you didn't even win? You get a little glass trophy, even if you don't

win. And between us, I think we've got five. Have you been on it five times between you? Yeah. I didn't know you could go on it again. Yeah, you can, because Sarah Pascoe went on again without me after we'd won. Yeah. And then she didn't win. It was fucking great.

So you'd never go back on, Josh? No, I while i'm ahead so do you get the little one as well as the winner's one i've got the little so it's like you get the same you get the same one right oh dear yeah oh that's not so sue pollard left with the same trophy as me despite being absolutely dog shit at pointless yeah she's good fun fun, though. Oh, don't worry about that, mate. She was a laugh. She is a laugh. But I tell you what, you have not known Time Goes Slowly till you've watched a producer attempt

to explain the rules of Pointless to Sue Pollard. So, Sue, she's still doing gags. No, no, no, no. We're not filming this bit, Sue. Come on, Sue. Just listen, Sue. It's the opposite of family fortunes. Come on.

Just pick something they wouldn't say. Come on, Sue. Oh, my God. It is just the opposite of family fortunes. I've spent a lot of time trying to explain it to people. That's what it is. Yeah. We asked 100 people what didn't they say.

Yeah. So you've got five pointless trophies. Yeah. And then the thing is, in comedy, you do end up doing loads of weird stuff in your job. Yeah, but you've got some pointless trophies and then the thing is in comedy you do end up doing loads of weird stuff

in your job yeah I bet you've got some house of games trophies haven't you as well we have yeah but then they look like they're self

they look like self portrait of Marcus yeah they do they do yeah wait wait let me guess

what other trophies you've got let me just guess what other trophies you've got I think one of you will have got a Celebrity Mastermind trophy. Yes. He did win, but I don't know.

We must have that. What was his topic? Pink Floyd. Oh, that's a good one. That's quite a big one, isn't it? I don't know what other trophies you'd have. Those are the classics, aren't they? Because you do end up getting weird stuff from your job,

especially when you're travelling around the world doing different festivals i'm just looking like literally next to me now there's the sword from when he was in spam a lot in the west end it's just a massive sword on the wall um and there's also an alpine cowbell which he won for a skiing race this year uh so yeah i like it is random shit from going around that's the hard aesthetic to build into your front room a sword and a cowbell yeah yeah and five pointless five duplicate trophies from the same surely you could just like give them away for a charity auction no i don't think anyone wants them because they're ten pointless fans no but there's too many of them too many of them well there's five in your house You could just give them away for a charity auction. No, I don't think anyone wants them because they're ten a penny. Pointless fans. No, but there's too many of them.

There's too many of them. Well, there's five in your house. Yeah, there's too many in our house, yeah. Well, I know this is a sore subject, Rob, but you know that there's a six foot seven gold Greg Davis that I got for winning Champions League champions, which I gave to our agents. Oh, yeah, where is it?

It's in their offices offices but they're moving. So they phoned me on Friday and they were like, do you want the six... Can I have it? I'm auctioning it for charity. For fuck's sake. How much are you going to bid?

How much? I don't know. Tell me how much it's up to and I'll pay an extra quid. Okay. I tell you what, as a little gift for doing the show, Rachel, we're going to drop that ring.

Oh God. I would kill you. I would literally kill you. Oh, God, it is difficult trying to chuck away other people's stuff when it's their flat to start with. But it's your flat now, Rachel. You've got to just take that on. You've laid down roots, you're married, you've got a kid.

You can throw away the cowbell. Don't get me wrong. That's one of the things I quite like, actually. It's nice, it's musical. It's i quite like actually it's nice it's musical it's you know it's of aesthetic interest yeah yeah but yeah it's nice as an aesthetic to certain people you know blind war veterans yeah in gcse drama from devon you're doing ostentatious the um improvised comedy jane austin i mean how do you explain it obviously there's the greatest pun of all time but can you explain ostentatious and the greatest pun of all

time is a great way of selling it and how and will you be taking um your boy on tour or with you or or not when you're doing the shows sadly no i took i took him on tour a bit when he was little um but uh now he's older so like as you know, it disturbs them a little bit more. He still comes on the odd thing if we go as a family and stuff. He's not like a baby that can just be sort of rocked in the corner. He'll be just harrowing around, ripping it up. Yeah, he'll be harrowing around now, so it's a bit tricky. You know what I thought about sticking a ruff on him

and he could be a little character that bowls in? Oh, my God, so cute. I'd fucking love that if I saw a little 14 month old dressed in Jane Austen outfit. With a ruff on and screaming. He's totally getting dressed up as Mr Darcy, definitely. Whenever he's old enough to do World Book Day, which is something I've just heard about from parents.

It's the most overrated day of the year. It's so much pressure on it, Rachel. I might send mine in as me and you for our book. Austentatious is happening. It's on tour at the moment. And then it's in the West End from November and December at the Arts Theatre, which is new for us, which will be nice. That's nice. A wintery pre-Christmas West End run. That is a nice gig to be leaving the house for, isn't it? It is, isn't it? We've been doing it for a few years now and we uh we just love we love doing it it does it feels really christmasy and cozy and the blurb here is an entirely improvised comedy play in the style of jane austen join the all-star cast as

they create a right to see funny new literary masterpiece based on nothing more than a title suggested by the audience no two shows are ever the same now um rachel i've got to be honest with you we do stiff and loose on this show where josh is a bit stiffer than me i literally have nothing on i don't know you could come out as robocop and i'd go i don't know where that's from in jane austen so do you have to be jane austen i'm across it i'm across it this is why our partnership works rachel i am across jane i don't know jane austin doesn't know jane austin you don't have to be across jane austin at all right um we have people who've never seen a single thing about her come and enjoy it uh it is just it's very silly and very funny and stupid um but if

you are a jane austin fan which is gonna blow your fucking beans off yeah it's got like references and easter eggs in there that you will enjoy um but no it's there's not a particular you don't have to be a Jane Austen fan to enjoy it you've toddler age now Rachel are you maybe thinking about more or you're happy with the toddler we know that you you've spoken publicly about you had trouble you know um with miscarriage and stuff like that in the past are you in that awkward stage that Josh has written about in his in the book about that you know it there's a it and stuff like that in the past. Are you in that awkward stage that Josh has written about in the book about that, you know, it's not just, oh, let's try for another one. There's a sort of worry and pain there from what's happened before.

Yeah, we are. We're sort of having, we're wondering that inevitably because your kid reaches that age, you know, where you're like thinking about it. And we just, I just don't know. I don't know what's going to happen. like thinking about it and we just i just don't know i don't know what's going to happen i think that i've got possibly the more kind of biological urge for it and i think marcus is absolutely knackered he's got three kids and a fucking sword and a sword and a cowbell he's got a lot going on

um you know and he's and he's a bit older than me um and i'm a geriatric mother as it is so what age is it it's quite insanely low when they call you a geriatric mother isn't it what's the i think it's uh over i think it's either over 35 or 37. that's mad and what's the age gap between you and marcus 10 years 10 years my mom and dad 10 years age gap oh and he was a bit because my dad had he was married before 10 year age gap and then so I've got like

half brothers but then my dad was my dad's 78 and I'm only 36 my brother's 34 so he must have been in his 45 45 when he had my

my younger brother his youngest child he was well my dad was 50 when he had me really yeah yeah yeah so this is probably why i'm sort

of like fine with and there's an age gap between him and my mom as well so like that's why i'm probably she was 70 that's right that's right unbelievable story that really was a geriatric pumping them out 70 and 50 good on them the old toy boy the old toy boy dad when marcus is like oh you know i'm of an age kind of and i'm like no don't accept that don't accept that you're not you're young enough to have more kids and get rid of that fucking cowbell rachel's in town well because i i definitely think like because when we had a miscarriage between our two children then the the second pregnancy that we had was just tense do you know i mean it felt like the first one you hadn't really comprehended that stuff could go wrong if that makes sense

and so i think from just from my our perspective i think that would be one of the thing that would stop us if we were thinking about having a third, would be the thought of it happening again to us. Because... Yeah. I know this sounds weird. We're almost like, should we quit while we're ahead here? I don't know. But that's just totally my own...

I have that feeling. I have that feeling about... I mean, you know, I have that feeling about Billy that we've even, you know, just got one child, but, like, he's so brilliant and i do and also having you know i've given birth to two babies and i've got one brilliant little boy and i do have that feeling of like i know what it is to know what you've got yeah and what you haven't so i've definitely there's definitely a huge amount of thinking to go

into whether to whether to have another one because and as well you know in a blended family as well it's not just about whether you're willing to risk a loss uh and a trauma it's about putting an entire family through that yeah so yeah it's a lot to think about it's a lot which is why we just don't know which is why we're going back to talking about pubic hair right genuinely I do want to know

what you're doing because I think you get a bit I wasn't actually steering it back to that I'm quite happy to if you are Rachel

yeah fine yeah yeah cool so what's happening down there because I imagine you're very thickly haired no I'm not very

thickly haired because you get hairy like nose and ears don't you a bit I do I have to I have to trim my eyebrows you're a bit I do. I have to trim my eyebrows.

You're a bit of a sprout. I have to trim my eyebrows. Yeah, I know. Look how hard my eyebrows are. Okay. Hard? They could light a match on that. Yeah, they're like wire wool.

Yeah, so what's that? So is that what it is? No, but that's... But it's not like downstairs? The trailer does not... The trailer of the eyebrows does not show what the film of the pubes is. Was it like spider, silky? No, no.

I'd say it's very average. Could you comb it straight? I'm not across other... Get yours out. I'll get mine out. We can find out. If you want to get across it or whatever you call it, you pervert. So are you shaving downstairs?

No, I'm not shaving downstairs. You're just completely leaving it. But it's not that long. The pubes, just to be clear. Oh, God. Oh, God. I keep coming back to Rob's armpit hair being four inches long. So that I've shaved a few weeks ago.

Oh, yeah, Rob's got a totally smooth armpit. It's lovely. Wow. And also, as well, the kids used to get, babies used to clamp onto it. What do you mean? Well if I was topless holding a baby then I'd shave my chest hair and then it'd pull the hair on your armpits and stuff.

So erm, did your child go to nursery? That definitely wasn't written down on a sheet was it? Here's a good one, how do you split the parenting with Marcus what's the split because you're both busy and in the same jobs where sometimes if you are in comedy and you've got a partner that works sort of nine to five then it's a bit more obvious but you're both out and about and antisocial hours so how do you split it is it sort of done weekly basically we just share about 50 50 but by 50 50 I mean as you, it varies week by week. At the moment, because I'm doing Late Night Mash, for the first time since Billy's been born,

I've actually got a routine. That's really time-demanding. It's hugely time-demanding. Like, yeah, it's like proper kind of full-time, but weird hours. Weekly topical show on Dave, isn't it? So, but you're reacting off the news, so it's not like you're filming it. Yeah, so you're writing, like, all Monday, Tuesday, recording Wednesday into Wednesday night. And everyone keeps getting sacked. It's hard to you're filming it. So you're writing like all Monday, Tuesday, recording Wednesday into Wednesday night.

And everyone keeps getting sacked. It's hard to keep up. Yeah. I thought you meant on late night mash. I was like, well, Rob's giving some background. Yeah, exactly. Like, so we, I'm writing, technically this is my lunch hour from writing today.

So for the first time we've had a routine actually. So like I go to work, Marcus is looking after him. We have a part-time nanny now, which really helps take the pressure off, which we're very lucky to be able to have. But it's not, you know, it's not like full-time childcare. Mostly we pass in between the two of us, depending on what we're up to at the moment.

So at the end of late night mash, which is this coming week at Lent, then there's a bit of a sea change. Marcus is suddenly doing a lot more touring and gigging and I'll be at home more. It is a challenge to never quite know what the childcare situation is going to be that month. You know, you have to like really,

just the amount that I stare at my diary going, ah! That's what me and Lou find the most difficult. It's like, I never know where I'm going to be. And neither does Lou. So like, I'll have stuff penciled, like Rob and Romesh filming day. And then like three days before they go,

oh yeah, can I have your passport? Because you're going to India. I'm like, okay. So yeah, Lou, I'm going to go to India for five days. Is that right? Sort of let you know. I couldn't cope with that and so or it's just like oh yeah I'm getting picked up on four to go to like Herefordshire to do ice skating I'm like oh yeah so I'll probably go back quite late actually because it's a five-hour drive so

but yeah that's that's the hardest part if your job's a bit erratic isn't it I tell you what is hard as well though between uh in terms of like keeping good feelings in your relationship and doing child care is when your job is uh a lot of it is fun as well like so what you're saying about like oh sorry i've got to go to work which is going ice skating yeah yeah exactly absolutely exhausted after that we had to go backwards exactly so then you're like oh you know you're working and I'm doing childcare. And of course it's joyful looking after your child, but it is also hard work.

And when our work, sometimes it feels like work, you know, when you're just going to like a sort of slightly crappy club in the middle of nowhere and it's a four hour drive. And sometimes it feels like work, but sometimes it's like, oh, that is a sweet job yeah i'm gonna have a really nice time we get that all the time we get that all the time because i literally is filmed and then lou can see that i had fun yeah i was really putting it on on screen

i'm a great actor lou yeah well this is it like doing podcasts like this and like like the writer's room for mash is just like really fun and it is work you know it's hard work but it is also incredibly enjoyable so you feel like you're cheating to a certain extent yeah i know exactly what you mean luckily the last leg's an absolute pain in the ass he's hated it hated it for years for years mate oh the final two questions uh rachel you sort of half answered it but i think we can make this more about parenting rather than hoarding what's the one thing that marcus your partner does that really winds you up about parenting and what's the one thing that he does that you go oh

isn't he amazing that's great this is a really small this is a really small thing uh is that and i think this is true of um a hashtag not all men but quite a lot of men is Marcus is not very good at being quiet and this was obviously more important when um Billy was sleeping with us in the room but like you know you have to creep in yeah so that you don't wake him up Marcus is no good at creeping and he's also not very good at whispering um he just he can project can't he yeah he's just not i would say he's not a hugely like discreet person generally and like now we always uh before we go to bed like we creep into billy's room to like you know check on him and he just sort of like opens the door in a normal way and i'm there like squeezing the door and

turning it quietly like doing you know creeping into the room so we don't wake him up and marcus just barrels in oh that would do my head in and it does sometimes wake him up uh and he denies that he's always like it's fine i'm like why don't you just creep um so his inability to creep is that's a good one that's one of my favorites that's a strong that's a strong answer because it's really you know you've really hit the nail on the head but yeah i'm lou calls me a bit of a boomer they used to call me bowser but you know bowser from mario oh yeah you know he's bound bouncing in and stomping about i'm bad bad for that. Yeah, me too. Maybe not all men, but probably most men. Yeah, I'm a great creeper.

No, I'm not. I'm heavy on the stairs. You've got massive hobbit, hairy hobbit feet. I haven't got massive hairy hobbit feet. You have. You're size nine. You're not tall enough to be size nine. But it's a width.

It's not in proportion. Anyway, it's neither here nor there. Sorry. And what's the one thing that Marcus does as a parent that you absolutely love, Rachel? Well, you're going to hate this, but it is hard to pick because he's good at everything. He's he's he's really good. He's a really hands on natural dad. Like he's just really he's really enthusiastic. He just loves spending time with him, which can be very annoying as a parent.

You're like, you're you're not even moaning about he's just like finding it fine but um he just delights in him so much do you know what i mean it's never a feeling i never feel any concern or like that he won't have a lovely time like marcus just delights in having him so much and that's that's probably the best thing oh that is that's really nice because it is horrible when you see friends that go, oh, God, I've had to leave him with him or her for the day. And I just don't know if I can relax. That'd be a horrible feeling.

They're not enjoying it. But, oh, that's lovely. It's so sweet when you see that someone's just like, yeah, go and take him off, go and do that. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, he's cute. It's just little boys boys club little Billy and Daddy and he's such an enthusiastic person

so you can see that as a dad yeah oh Rachel it's been amazing thank you and good luck with Ostentatious the show thank you very much thank you

thanks Rachel that was amazing thanks so much Rachel thanks for having me