Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP29: Welcome To The Thunderdome...

Episode Date: November 1, 2022

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whittaker. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener,

with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parent hell with oh fuck it was halfway through the recording this is this is a shambles from the off rob it's vintage oh here we go and this can you see josh whitticam there we go. That was a nice one, wasn't it?

I couldn't really hear it. What was going on there, mate? Hello, Rob and Josh. This is our 103-month-old son, Sam, so that's an eight, asking our 29-month-old, Ellis, that's two and a half, whether he can say your names. Can you guess where they're from? The son is called Ellis.

Right. Where do you think they might be from? Ellis. They're from Wales, Rob. Oh, is where they're from? The son is called Ellis. Right. Where do you think they might be from? Ellis? They're from Wales, Rob. Oh, is Ellis a Welsh name?

Well, the only Ellis I know who's a man is Welsh. So it's a 100% hit rate. And are they from Wales? Yes.

Okay, cool. That does work. They're from Henguard near Ystrad Minach. Sorry for the pronunciation if that's wrong.

In South Wales. Lovely part of the country. Lovely part of the country. You can't say it, but I want to go there. Yeah. You can say you want to go there, but I can't say the name of the place. Yeah, yeah. You can say you can't.

We can't speak today. I really want to go to South Wales, but I just can't say it out loud, Rob. I don't want to get cancelled. Is it true that you're totally view free on that because you're so terrified of offering a view? The thing about me

is I don't have an opinion. I forgot that you have no opinions on anything. Well that's my goal. Sometimes I accidentally have an opinion. Alright Shane Ward. What's that?

That is a deep cut for X Factor fans. That was his X Factor number one. That's my goal. What the fuck do I know that? What is going on in my life? That's not your kind of telly either.

No, I know. That is a weird thing to have. That's my goal for Shane Ward, yeah. What year was he in X Factor? 2005. It was evergreen, evergreen. Will Young. Can you name any other X Factor winner songs?

Michelle McManus, This Is My Moment. Is that right? No, that was Marty McCutcheon winner songs? Michelle McManus, This Is My Moment. Is that right? No, that was Marty McCutcheon. What did Michelle McManus do? Don't worry, I'll find out. Anyway. What's she up to now? Welcome to Parenting Hell.

Do you know what? I saw recently that she interviewed Rylan about his book. Nice. Okay. Yeah. It was on Rylan's Instagram. Okay, what about Rick Waller? I don't think it said on her Instagram,

but it said Rland's book, which didn't get to number one in the Sunday Times charts, unlike other books. That's what she said. But I don't know. I don't know why she... Rick Waller's shifted the weight. Has he?

Well, in 2015, he'd lost eight stone. Oh, wow. Blimey. He looks completely different. What's he up to now, then? I don't know. Just probably buying loads of new clothes. That's what I'd do.

Just going to go down Topman again, slide into some 32 waist. Why? Because I can. I've got some awful news, Rob. Yeah, go on.

Topman closed about three years ago. Did it? Yeah. Oh, God. Well, luckily, Rick Waller lost his weight in 2015.

There we go. There we go. So at least he got to enjoy Topman. Is Topman gone completely? Just like dead? Yeah.

Wow. Well, I never. What a way to find out. Oh, no. I really wanted a terrible leather jacket. Where am I going to go now? I don't know enough about the high street, Rob. I'm in a real Rick Waller deep dive here.

What's Boohoo? What's Boohoo, Rob? Boohoo is online clothes, like arrivals at ASOS, but it's quite fast fashion, so it's quite cheap dresses yeah and then the owner of that son invented pretty little thing and they do that but for younger like sort of teenage i tell you what rick waller's had some looks i'm on his deep dive of rick wallery rob we're in the middle of a podcast mate and i was about to ask you if you knew that shane ward's uh that's my goal was the third fastest selling single in the history of the United Kingdom.

That is fucking bananas, isn't it? Right, so can I just talk you through these Rick Waller looks? All right, and then can I ask you what you think the two songs that are more popular than Shane Ward are? And then we'll get back to parenting. All right, OK. Well, Rick Waller's had red hair. Imagine if this was your first episode.

Imagine if someone had gone, you've got to try parenting, Hal. Rick Waller's had red hair, blue hair, and what looks like one single dread on the side of his head going down to what I'd describe as just a chin beard. Oh, wow.

I mean, now I'm trying to find Rick Waller. I don't think he's online anywhere. Has he got kids? I don't know. Should we... Let it be a Wonderwall. Are they the two songs? No, no, sorry. I thought you were telling me.

Let It Be, let's move on from Rick Waller. Let It Be, let's move on. We desperately have to move on from Rick Waller. So what are the two songs that beat Shane Ward? Okay, Shane Ward. It sold, on its first day, 313,000 copies in one single day. In one... That's when CDs...

What a time it was to be selling music. Imagine the phone call from his agent. Oh, my God. Simon Cowell, I presume. You've sold 300,000 copies in day one, so that means you're up to seven quid in royalty, Shane. Do you reckon those bands... Do you know those bands that got put together

by sort of big producers? The producers obviously got a bit more of the money. Like me and you with Michael, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you reckon those bands You know those bands That got put together By sort of big producers And the producers Obviously got a bit more Of the money Like me and you With Michael yeah Yeah yeah yeah Do you think that

They ever add up Like the numbers Like I think it'd be tough East 17 It'd be really tough And just work out Not to be resentful

Do you know what I mean But Exactly Do you know what I mean Rick Waller played in goal In Soccer 6 Okay Are you still there

Still going with Rick Waller Celebrity Soccer... I just... I've never... Do you want the two singles that sold more than Shane Ward? He's like David Bowie. I've never seen anyone have so many different versions of themselves. Is that the first time those words have ever been said

by anyone other than Rick Waller comparing himself to David Bowie? Well, he's also an exam invigilator now. Is he? That's off-putting. Imagine trying to... That is off-putting. Imagine trying to... You can't have a celebrity...

Is that Rick Waller with a dread? You can't crunch through your maths GCSE with Rick Waller there. Because you'd be going, is that Rick Waller? That was ten years ago. Although I'm going to be honest with you, Rob. Yeah.

If you're doing your maths GCSE, you don't know who Rick Waller is unless you've been held back quite a few years. I'd say stick Rick Waller. Oh, my God. He had a ponytail that was purple, shaved at the side. Stick Rick Waller into...

Oh, now I'm on another deep dive. Remember Rick Snowden from The Voice? He lost loads of weight. There's a photo of him next to some jeans. Right, Rob. Rob. Rob. Should we get back to parenting?

I can't. I'm obsessed with Rick Waller. It was Will Young's Evergreen and Elton John's Candle in the Wind 1997. Those were the two singles. Right, let's get back to... Last thing on Rick Waller. What it seems to me is, what happened to Rick Waller is, he did loads of different TV shows after The Singing Show.

Then he lost so to weight, did a magazine spread with The Mirror, and then he's just tapped out of the news. He's basically said to everyone, look, I'm fit now. See you later. Okay. So, can we draw a line? How are your kids, Josh? Can we draw a line under everyone, look, I'm fit now. See you later. Okay. So can we draw a line? How are your kids, Josh? Can we draw a line under it? Well, I'm still doing a fucking email from Ellis.

All right, the Welsh guy. Well, not from Ellis. The Welsh child, yeah. Right. Hello, Rob and Josh. This is our 103-month-old son, Sam, and our 29-month-old, Ellis, from South Wales. Ellis moved in with us in July 2021,

a few months before we were able to get married. Third time lucky, bloody COVID, and we legally finished the adoption process on March 2022. We love the show, and we're looking forward to the child-free night out to see you both in, where, Rob? Cardiff in April. Cardiff, nice.

Table 2 is a totally underestimated send-help. Andrew, Bethan, Sam and Ellis. Excellent work, you all. How are you all? Can I just finish off the Rick Waller stuff? No. I've got two more bits of information, okay? He's basically lost a load of weight

and now I think he works in education in Kent. Okay. Lovely story. Happy ending. But at one point in 2007, he fell in love with a pagan who banned him from performing the relationship

didn't last it says oh god is this all from his Wikipedia page no it's not I've gone everywhere anyway

Rick Waller if you're listening get in touch mate I was a big fan of Rick Waller I thought he got harshly treated because he was a big guy but yeah

big up Rick Waller that's what I'm trying to say there we go small business shout out if you need any exams invigilating in the Kent area Rick Dubs is your man there we go how are you all josh how are your children yeah they're fine we've

got parents evening tonight as we record oh we had parents evening how was it did i tell you about it i don't know if you've spoken about parents even how'd it go and no well so it's both of them but they're basically very different yeah we're like they said one of them sort of needs to be brought out of her show a little bit and she's the she's really good at stuff yeah and then the younger one is a bit more like go back in her shell a bit well but you know she that she could you at least she hasn't even got a shell at this stage she's a slug she's a full exposed slug no basically they were just saying that she wants to get everything done if you give her something to do she does it really quickly like cutting out she'll cut out really quick rather than do all the edges.

And they say, why are you doing that? She goes, I want to get it done so we can do the next thing. And I sort of said, oh, she's got a bit of a different approach, hasn't she, to her sister. And it's like, we do not compare siblings. I wasn't comparing them in an academic success thing. I was like, let's cut the shit. Which one should I bother with? You know what I mean?

What that? I was just i was way more interested in their personality so like oh and because i like i want to know what they're like at school because if it's different and stuff like that and then i sort of said to lou oh we've got one each haven't we and then the teacher laughed yeah and you said what's that laugh if not a comparison i know if anything that's worse than us discussing it. The laugh is the gateway to the truth. Yes, exactly. Comedy is truth.

That's what I always said. I'm just sick of not being able to tell the truth. And I just love talking truth. So yeah, that was good. And bottom line is they're very sociable, very polite, and they're enjoying it, which is the main thing. That was good. It's quite exciting.

I'm quite excited, stroke, nervous. About the parents' evening. I think it's okay to be a bit nervous about it because you don't know what you're going into. Do you know what I mean? Well, no, especially the first time at a proper school. You want to know that they're settling in and stuff like that. If it's bad news, they've kept it from us.

Do you know what I mean? That's the thing. They've saved it up for a big announcement. No, if there's a problem, you know about it before the parents' evening. Yeah, yeah, exactly. They're not going to go, thank God you turned up to the parents' evening. It's been an awful five weeks. Or they yeah just to let you know she's been smoking every morning

at the school gates thought we'd wait five weeks they're really taking that nicotine yeah she's vaping but yeah we thought you knew oh that's exciting though yeah are you taking the little one with you or have you got someone to look because you can't really concentrate so So our parents' evening's at five, so we're picking them up. Nursery's open until six. After. Yeah.

Perfect. Oh, that works well. Oh, that's exciting. It is exciting, isn't it? Yeah. Also as well, though, I did say something, though, a bit defensive.

Fuck you! Did you say that? No. No, we're talking about reading. I was saying, like, because the eldest ones were the reading, and, like, they try and read it, and they go,

so what's... If there's hidden stuff in the text, trying to work out, but I was never a great reader. I used to get told off. I used to make up the story and stuff. And then I was like, yeah, she sometimes doesn't seem really involved in the story. And I said, I'll be honest with you,

some of those books are so boring, though. I don't think that went down well, but I do think that was quite, you know. Did they laugh this time? No, it's their teachers, they're being professional. But yeah, I was a bit like, but I do think that was quite, you know... Did they laugh this time? No, it's their teachers, they're being professional. But, yeah, I was a bit like... But I'm a bit... Yeah.

So they go like, oh, what if they can't spell? I can't spell. I've written two fucking books, mate. There's a way around it. You'll find a way. Two Sunday Times bestsellers, right? Yes, well, yeah, we didn't want to humble brag, but we are the number one bestselling book in the country.

Thank you to everyone. We'll have said that last week. one bestselling book in the country. Thank you to everyone. We'll have said that last week. We'll have said that last week. Thanks to everyone. Again, I'm still thankful. Because we're not by now. Rob, we're not by now. We might be.

We might have done it two weeks in a row. We might have done it two weeks in a row. If people have done that for us. But thank you to everyone that's bought it. We really appreciate it. And to anyone that I've seen on Twitter that is spreading our books all over the competition in supermarkets yeah thank you very grateful yeah it's word of mouth now isn't it because we've done all our promo basically so thank you for buying it um rob we have spent an incredible amount of time together in the last few weeks i know it's

remarkable isn't it we did four days of the audiobook yes we then done the full promotional tour plus a different photo shoot. Yes. Plus, on the Sunday, for some reason, we fitted in a couple of podcasts. We're now doing another two on the Wednesday. I feel like... I don't think I've ever spent more time with you in my life.

I know. Are you enjoying it, up close and personal? It's interesting. No, I am, actually. Do you know what? You're very easy company, Rob. Thank you. Much against a lot of the press around me. Don't believe the hype. Don't believe the hype. I am actually. Do you know what? You're very easy company, Rob. Thank you. Much against a lot of the press around me.

Don't believe the hype. Don't believe the hype. I am easy company. I'm not as annoying as Romesh makes out. Maybe he's the fucking problem. Exactly. Exactly. I'm an easy guy.

Thanks, Josh. I'm quite chilled, aren't I? You are very chilled, actually. You get excitable. Big time. But it's always good natured. It's always good natured. I've got the devil in me.

Yeah. If ever I have to do something sensible, my body can't cope. When we were waiting to do that five-live interview with Nihal... Oh, my word. Just before we were interviewed by Nihal... That was hard.

It was. Great guy. We love him, don't we? We do love him. That was our best interview, I think. But he... Beforehand, I can't remember what was happening. They were talking about abusive referees

in children's football. And you were bubbling over. Yeah, that was fun. With all the things you were going to do when you got on the show. Yeah. All the things that you can do to end our careers. But I find it so exciting to have a job where at any point you can change your entire life like that. But not in a positive way.

No, completely. Literally my children's futures falling through my fingers like sand in the wind. Gone. No more holidays. No more holidays. No more isn't your dad a nice guy? Screaming from vans, you wanker. Daddy, why are they screaming you're a wanker?

Because I've been cancelled, kids. Welcome to the Thunderdome. Welcome to the Thunderdome? Well, yeah. When you get cancelled, you still exist. You've got to find a new way to exist. What would you do, Rob? I'd ring up Jim Davidson and go,

do you need an opener? Let's go to work. John Virgo for the TikTok generation. That's how I see it. It depends what you've been cancelled for. You've got to find your people, haven't you? Yeah. You've got to find your tribe. Say you you? Yeah. You've got to find your tribe.

Say you had to quit comedy tomorrow. What are you doing? What, if I'm quitting comedy tomorrow and I weren't allowed to do comedy, what, anything broadcasting or anything like that? None of the things that are related to comedy. So podcasts or radio or... I do some sort of face-to-face selling

and build a business from that. Yeah. You know, like those guys that walk around with like, you know, the market traders with that, like a really good mop traders with that like a really good mop yeah all right so yeah yeah yeah fair enough fair enough or on oxford street just bang out a shop with a load of cheap perfume yeah no no top man's not doing that well sure there's a lease available on that for me to flog some terrible perfume but that's probably what i'll end up doing the amount of perfume get in that building um but yeah no hopefully i won't be cancelled because i do manage to

stay focused and you're a lot more chilled i thought you'd be a bit more erratic and stressed you seem a lot happier on your brown noise journey yeah my brown noise is all right do you know what though well i'm having a little break from casual drinking rob from brown noise just a little break from brown do you know what i need to like i've not drunk for ages last couple of nights i had a few drinks with lou it It was an anniversary. We went out for dinner. You feel rubbish the next day. Oh, my God. I just hate myself. My throat's all dry.

My piss is like tar. It's disgusting. I'm poisoning myself. Yeah, you should go to a doctor, maybe, about that second. Oh, it's horrible. Looks like I've had five broccas and a pint of Bovril. It's churning out of me. It's horrid.

I'm bored. Looks like some sort of bake-off mixture. I'm pouring it in. I'm bored. It's like some sort of bake-off mixture. I'm pouring it in. I'm getting a spatula out to get it. Sorry. Sorry, this is awful. This is awful. As I said, you can get excitable.

That's what we're... I can get excitable. This is like pre-now mood. Pre-now. Oh, God. Yeah, sorry, go on. Drinking, casual drinking. Yeah.

Do you know what? What about the casual sex? It sort of comes with it. What are you doing? No, I gave that up years ago, Rob. But the casual drinking, it's a waste of time. I feel... Yeah.

I just feel very down the next day. And I'm like, was it worth it for three glasses of wine? No. No, well, yeah, exactly. I think that's a good idea. Well, I stopped for a bit and then, especially when it was the build-up to the book coming out, because we were so busy.

But it's not good for you, especially especially with kids you can't cope the next day no it's awful can't so so what you're just stopping drinking completely no i've got a stag do rob all right friday so it would be a strange time to stop but also do you know that you didn't bleep out where it's to just tell tom crane not to listen someone said we didn't bleep out where the stag do is so we did bleep it out, but we left Tom Crane's name in. But that's fine. But obviously that's not the surprise for him,

that he's going on his own stag do. He knows he's getting married. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Okay, so you're going to stop casual drinking after the stag do, correct? Yeah. So what's your plan on the stag do?

Are you going to pace yourself or is this going to be one last hurrah? Well, this goes out after the stag do, so I can say where it is. So we don't need to bleep this out. So don't panic, okay?

So it's in Bruges, Rob. Okay. And you've already been, and you'll talk about it. Yeah, yeah. In Bruges, so it's just a little beer, a little beer. It's 12% over there, the beer. Do you know what? It's going to be loads of lads with massive bellies doing blow-offs.

What's blow-offs? Farts. Have you ever heard of blow-offs? Blow-offs? Have you ever heard of blow-offs? No, that's like something a gran would say about a fart. Have you ever heard that? What do you use for a fart?

A fart? Nothing else? That's the word. Or a blow-off? I'd never use the word blow-off. Really? And you're like, grunt? Who grunted?

No, because you're not a teenager. You're not going to be all right. You are 30 seconds from guff here. Well, do you know what? Do you know why we've got so many words? It's because my dad used to go, ooh, shit. Ooh, shit? Ooh, shit. As, do you know what? Do you know why we've got so many words? It's because my dad used to go, ooh, shit. Ooh, shit? Ooh, shit.

As in who has shat? Yeah, but it's been a fart or a blow-off. Right. Yeah, a blow-off. A blow-off? It's not going to be loads of lads with massive bellies doing blow-offs, Rob. Do you mean the stag do, or do you mean the bruge in general? Am I the only one that uses blow-offs?

Fuck. Oh, God. Everything I thought I ever knew is crumbling. I feel like Neo in The Matrix. Okay. Well, if you have used the term blowumbling. I feel like Neo in The Matrix. Okay. Well, if you have used the term blow-off for farts, let us know. But, okay. It's going to be loads of blokes with big bellies farting around Bruce.

Why have they got big bellies? Because of their big bloaty beard. Yeah, but you're only in Bruce for 48 hours. It doesn't absolutely change your body shape, does it? I guarantee you there's going to be a bloke on that stage. He's going to be wheat intolerant, massive belly, doing smelly blow-offs. Blow-offs. Anyway, any other news on your kids, Josh, before we do some correspondence?

The cafe's closed by the school, Rob. That's very disappointing. Is it? Yeah. Do you normally go there straight after? No, before. Close forever? Yeah.

So I don't know what to do about that, really. That's it. That's the only other news I've got. Buy it. Turn it into the Parenting Hell Cafe. Do you know what? I couldn't take the news that the cafe was closing down after three glasses of wine last night.

I was too low. I was too low, Rob. It all came together. Stuff like that does affect you, doesn't it? I get incredibly affected by small businesses failing. And also, you love a routine. Oh, I love a routine, Rob. You do.

You go in there, you have your little coffee. I absolutely love a routine. I love a little place that you can go and that's your thing and you go in years to come this will be my memory of this period of my life do you think that am i weird no and do you think that you were quite anxious and stressed because the routine was changing and your daughter was going to a new school was that underlined you reckon i don't think that helped but i think if I'm honest with you, Rob, I'm suffering from burnout after 10 years of overwork.

Yeah, OK, that's not helpful. I think that's the main cause, is that I've been telling myself that I need to stop working so hard for the last seven years, haven't done it, and my body's gone. I've had enough. Yeah, because there was a period where every time I said what you've been up to, you either were being sick or had the shits. Yeah.

I'll be honest with you, Rob. Full disclosure. I think in many ways, I'll look back on this as a good thing to happen to me. But fuck me, I wish it would end soon. It takes a long time to get through this kind of period of your life. Oh, the burnout bit. The burnout bit. Come on, I've had of period of your life. Oh, the burnout bit. The burnout bit. Come on, I've had a couple of days off.

Give me a break. Give me a fucking chance. Give me a bonus. Can't I just be better now? Let me be better. Come on. Yeah, so three days off work won't really... You're still working loads, though.

Turns out when you go back to work, you're still badly burned out, aren't you? Look, I've had the morning off. That should have sorted burnout. Yeah, come on. I just went to a cafe for lunch on my own and read a book. Isn't that enough? Yeah, I think you might need to just overall ease off on the work in general. I said no to going back to do a Mock the Week episode.

That's got to make me feel better now isn't it anyway was that the finale they asked whether i'd do one of the kind of guest episodes at the end right never mind that's harsh isn't it burnout burnout um oh the other thing is i don't know if you're getting this my kids climb on me and jump on me but they're getting to the point because they're older now i'm bigger that yesterday i nearly blew my knee out where my knee was like bent over and they jumped on me but like it felt like some sort of gang attack where they like held me you know like the the cray twins were like making you learn a lesson and i nearly you know like when footballers the acl goes it was bent back like fully like rigid and they jumped on it and it nearly my leg nearly snapped in half they

actually hurt me it's dangerous this would be a good call as your child ever really hurt you yeah like not on purpose but by accident broken something and in a funny way yeah not like they sort of like took my life savings and threw me off the boat yeah exactly we don't want the end some sort of holly oaks ending like no holly oaks but yeah in a funny way where they've hurt you by accident the younger the kid the better I bet there's a few broken noses

from headbutts oh and didn't Andy Murray get a broken nose I seem to remember what from his kid yeah you've got a strange

memory yeah haven't you that is an odd thing to know I just remember him having a bloody it was when we were

doing this and I thought well he'd be a good booking stand by because he's got a broken nose from his kid

because he's got a broken nose from his kid there's an anecdote oh no yeah yeah he's got a broken nose from his kid. Because he's got a broken nose from his kid. There's an anecdote. Bad. Oh, no, yeah, yeah. He's got a broken nose, I think, from his kid. Baby daughter.

Yeah. There we go. We'll get him on here one day. Just wait until he's retired and he's not as popular. No offence, Andy, but you know what I mean. Yeah. Anyway, welcome to this week's guest. Greg Rosetsky.

We'll take him. We'll take him. I'll take Regretsco. Absolutely. Right. Correspondence. We haven't done any for ages, so let's something let's do it let's do it let's do it let's do it hello Rob and Josh love the podcast but could we please have some more Rick Waller chat of course well we've done that already yours Rick Waller yours Rick Waller gotta go I'm overseeing a GCSE business studies uh foundation paper in three minutes time.

I really enjoyed you scrambling around for what an exam would be. Oh my god, I was panicking. Do they even do GCSEs anymore? I said, I thought GMVQ, but I think they might have bitten the dust. Anyway. Rob, do you want to know something? Sorry. Go on. They don't do A, B, C, D and E anymore. They do numbers. No, it's A, B, C, D. Oh, yeah, very nice.

That's one for our phonics fans. Yeah. Our phonics crew. So what do they do? You get like a seven or a six or something. So what do you want? What's best? One?

I just want the world to stop changing. I just want everything to be as it was when I was a child. That's all I'm asking. Cafes stop closing. GCSE grades remain the same. Yeah, because no cafes shut in the 80s, did they? When you was a kid, everyone was flying. Rob, I voted leave for a reason.

Right, let's get back. Hi, Rob and Josh. Your podcast has provided us with so much laughter over lockdown and has even played a part in keeping us sane as we both trained for the marathons in 21 and 22. Previously, you advised your listeners from doing the no pants dance in March. This is no sex in March because of the Christmas baby. Advice my partner and I heeded.

However, we delayed the magic until April, to which success. We were pregnant and were expecting a beautiful January baby. Something to lift the January blues and bring some refreshing light and joy into a month that is pretty grim until the scan. Oh, no. Oh, no. So we now have Christmas twins. Oh, my God. Instead of trying to avoid one Christmas baby, we are now having two. Oh, mate.

That is not ideal. Katie and Ben, who are going to come and see us in April in Birmingham. Oh. We know what that means. Date night. You like a bit of leg over action in April. Yeah, bloody hell. Don't fall into the same trap.

I know. We're pretty sexy and unrelatable guys. I don't want you two going home and biffing each other and having another Christmas baby. Yeah, too. Right. I reckon there's going to be a lot of shagging after our show yeah yeah okay you're gonna be able to track whether the major cities we hit if i was a maternity hospital i'd check the date and put a big cross nine months time after our live show because it's gonna yeah no but i don't think

this makes people want to have kids does it this? Rob, once they see us in the flesh. You're saying that everyone's going to have the horn? Everyone's going to have the horn. Men, women, everyone. Exactly. Just they see us. Once they see us. You'll go, bloody hell. There's been 5,000 babies born in Birmingham on the same day,

nine months after Widdicombe and Beckett hit town. Are us two shuffling in the same clothes in the style of 2009, because we haven't moved on from there. Sat down chatting. I've got another one here from Alice in Coventry, who's 28. Hi, Rob and Josh. I'm excited to have finally, as of today, caught up with a podcast. Oh, well done.

You've previously asked for the weirdest place you've had a breakdown. I once had an anxiety attack in a toilet at a board game convention yes please yes please and i was dressed as an orc from lord of the rooms that's incredible bless her was it in character well i don't know if the breakdown was but she says i'm part of a group called the galactic knights who dress up in a variety of film and tv costumes at events to raise money for charity and often find myself having breakdown Incredible. Oh, Alice in Coventry. Well, well done for sharing.

We all have little breakdowns. Albeit, not always at a convention dressed as an orc. No, no. I imagine if I dressed as an orc, I would have a breakdown. That is my absolute... The idea of dressing up as something like that. It's dressing up. Well, they're your evil enemy aren't they as a hobbit they are your kryptonite you see the orcs coming over the hill the old trotters start pounding on

as you run back to the shore is it orcs in lord of the rings yeah that's like the dead army they whip out at the end isn't it spoiler alert yeah you must have seen it by now surely hi chaps hope you're well love the podcast yada yada yada you put a call out recently for bad teachers yeah who reminded me of something from my school years when i was in my last year of primary school 1995 we were taken weekly to the local swimming baths to learn how to swim to ensure the appropriate level of tuition for every student we were split into three groups depending on our swimming ability the top group were called tadpoles a name befitting the proficient swimmers in the year group yeah the bottom group were not so lucky with their group name oh no yeah the reward for being amongst the worst swimmers the school had to offer your group was called bricks bricks so unfair isn't it

that is incredible that's horrible isn't it that is mad because when they said tadpoles I thought that feels like the bottom group

tadpoles because it's like you're small and you're learning and you're one day going to be what does a tadpole become well tadpoles are the best

bricks are the bottom so there's a middle one here Josh so this is is it still going yeah's just still going yeah mike mike's still going here and he's got a lot of trauma to work through with this email this just leaves the middle group probably not a strong swimmer but if you're in this group you can at least have some ability if you are in the bottom group what could you aspire to become if you were

a brick perhaps something evocative like a minnow nope once you convince the teachers you were better Better bricks? No. That is mad. That is mad, isn't it? It's awful. I'm proud to say that over the school year, I made my way from being a brick to a better brick before becoming a tadpole.

I just hope whoever decided the naming for that group had a good, long, hard look at themselves. That is incredible. Bricks, better bricks, tadpoles. That is phenomenal. At my school, if you could swim, you had a blue hat. If you couldn't swim, you had a red hat. Really?

It's degrading, isn't it? I was so bad at swimming. You're allergic to chlorine, aren't you? Yeah, I was allergic to chlorine. I remember doing a width, and we got a packet of skips if we completed a width. So that was my grand achievement. You can't do that with kids anymore. Can you just give them a packet of skips for doing a width?

No wonder there was an obesity crisis. It's like a donkey and a carrot just hanging that. Yeah, it was just held above the pool at the other end the packet of skips um i've got this one here dear robin josh my friend and i work weird and wonderful shifts covering anniversaries bank holidays special occasions and very often birthdays recently my friend and i were working and he turns to me and says oh it's my daughter's third birthday today my response was fairly standard as what you'd expect oh mate that's shit and you're No, no, no. You can't be doing that. I can't.

She's only three and won't remember and won't know. True. Very true. Very true. I think three's the last year you can do that. Yeah. After I picked myself up from crying with laughter, he also informed me they told the rest of the family to play along.

I personally think this is A-star parenting. Best from me, John, and Chris, the legend of a dad. Hi, Rob and Josh. Just listened to the latest episode and wanted to share what moment pushed me into having therapy. Okay. I've not really read this one. What moment from our podcast or moment from...

I don't know. I'm reading this one on the fly. It's just coming. I decided I wantedread this one. What, moment from our podcast or moment from... I don't know. I'm reading this one on the fly. It's just coming. I decided I wanted cereal for dinner. Probably a cry for help in itself. There is something comforting about cereal for dinner. Oh, I like cereal for dinner. It's a comfort.

Yeah, it's a classic. It's a real student classic. Here we go. Oh, yeah, here we go. So, pop to Sainsbury's. In the cereal aisle, I realised I didn't know whether I wanted Crunchy Nut or Weet-O's. Both. So I started crying and sat down on the floor.

Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I mean, I'm sure, I'm assuming she's okay for us to laugh about this. Anyway. She has written it in. Well, that's the point. People do have breakdowns, but they can be funny after a certain amount of time.

I wouldn't have pointed at her and laughed while she sat on the floor. Time is a great healer. Yeah. Okay. It occurred to me that in that moment, that reaction might not have been about the cereal. Sorry. In that moment,

I realised that that reaction might not have been about the cereal. Shout out to the worker in Ballam High Street, St. Dries in 2011 who coaxed me off the floor. Now, to stay calm, it's simple. Go for a walk. Fresh air. Remove myself briefly from whatever is stressing me out.

Works a charm. Love the podcast. I've only discovered it recently. Listen while feeding my newborn through many long nights. Many thanks, Zoe. Really good. Well done, Zoe.

Really. It's good to share. I enjoy these sort of breakdown stories. There's always a moment where you realise this isn't about the cereal. Yeah. Which would you have gone for, Rob?

Crunching up or Wheat O's? Do you know what? I was Wheat O's back in the day because I used to love getting the Trolls, but Crunching Up, I'd say, for me, is the winner out of those two.

There's two good options, isn't there? It's too sugary, though. That is dessert. You've already decided to have cereal for dinner. You might as well go all in. Yeah, exactly. If you're going for it,

fucking go for it. Do you know what I mean? Don't decide to have cereal for dinner and then have fruit and fibre. You might as well have Wheat O's. The producer, Lawrence, really funny bloke on my Radio 2 show, he was like, oh, I had a really nice night last night. He went, I've been out all week.

So I knew we had the show on Sunday. So I had an early night on Saturday. All my flatmates were out. So I had lovely proper fish and chips. But I really went for it. I was like, oh, what did you have? He went, well, I had haddock and chips and a jumbo battered sausage and i went oh and i went what else and he said mushy peas curry sauce and baked beans as i went to him you didn't need to bake beans and he just went

i didn't need to bake but you get all excited when you have the proper little feast up i love it it's your little tree the the indian takeaway hung over on a sunday if you don't over order there what is wrong with you you've got to over order in that situation exactly and then he had all that and had a nice early night i think that's a lovely saturday evening no drink is oh we got another therapy one where people thought this is the moment i need to speak to someone mine was punching my steering wheel lost on a croydon ring road. Here we go. Hello, you wonderful humans.

A funny story referring to the new feature, if a therapist could see me now. Last Christmas, 36 weeks pregnant with my second baby, I started sobbing uncontrollably. My husband ran down the stairs wondering what on earth happened. I was crying so much the sofa was shaking and I couldn't get my words out. Finally, I managed to tell my husband, Wayne, that we didn't have a chimney to hang stockings on

and Father Christmas wouldn't be able to leave a present for the unborn baby and our one-year-old son, who was completely oblivious. Safe to say, once Wayne, my partner, explained to me that Father Christmas has a magic key to any house, I calmed down and then had absolute hysterics at the ridiculousness of the situation. I would suggest that my raging hormones played a key part in this incident and we still laugh at Chimney Gate to this day. That's a good one, isn't it?

That is a great, this is a great feature. Well, it's true because it's always the most stupid thing that sets you off. this is a great feature well it's true it's because it is it's always the most stupid thing that sets you off i would suggest uh at least from lucy mum to theodore to an annie seven months there we go well done for sharing when you're theodore yeah i always think about one of the chipmunks it's a good name it's a great name i always think about one it's a great name isn't it it's definitely the one i'd choose of the three alvin simon theodore oh god yeah alvin simon theodore's the one in it yeah also you can always shortenvin, Simon, Theodore. Oh, God, yeah. Alvin, Simon, Theodore is the one, isn't it?

Yeah. Also, you can always shorten that to Terry if he's going to be a builder or something. What, Theodore? Theo. Theo's pretty cool.

I can't have Theo doing my plastering. I'd sort of think, what's happened here? Theo Walcott? Yeah, we wouldn't have him plastering. Too little.

Is he still a footballer? Injury prone as well. Left to have a day off. Bad back. Halfway through. They'd get him plastering before he was ready, wouldn't they?

That'd be the problem with Theo Walcott. He's not done any low-level plastering. Now you're trying to get him plastering before he was ready wouldn't they that'd be the problem with there he's not done any low level plastering now you're trying to get him to do the 16 channel anyway okay there we go i've got a couple more of these therapy ones or like breakdown ones that are pretty good then we'll do small business hi rob and josh i have a story for your new feature about reacting oddly in situations i call this one it's not about the pork pie yes my boyfriend came home from work one day with some mini pork pies. He offered me one and I said no thanks as I didn't like pork pies.

The next day, when thinking about what to have for lunch, I realised I do actually quite like pork pies. I went downstairs to the fridge, opened the door to find the mini pork pies gone. I turned to face my boyfriend who was sitting on the sofa eating the last pork pie. I was heartbroken beyond words, so I took myself up to our bedroom with my eyes filled with tears 10 minutes later my boyfriend came upstairs to find me bawling and when i told him why he said i'm so sorry i didn't think you even liked pork pies is that why you opened the fridge look really sad and walked away the next day he bought me another pack of mini pork

pies and always saves the last one for me when he buys a pack i've never heard the word pork pies said so many times in the space of 30 seconds it's not about the pork it's not about the pork pies josh i know but i reckon you said pork pies 15 times and every time you said it sponsorship deal i want to be the ambassador you know when people used to advertise milk I want to be the brand ambassador for bought pies yeah fair enough I think you'd be a good you'd be a good choice

actually for that here we go oh should we do one more and then do small business yeah hi slags whoa that's a callback

to something isn't it yeah we like being called slags yeah I've had this breakdown more than once and it's crazy if things are getting too much I have a horrible habit of getting upset when my husband does something better than me oh is this from rose okay bit of fun bit of fun prime example oh you could use the

panic there that's a safety lol that was yeah you know you send a joke on whatsapp and go lol they've read it there's two there's two blue ticks here we go prime. I was in a job I hated and it was really getting me down. The housework was building up and my lovely husband decided to clean the bathroom to get some jobs ticked off. When he was done, I went into the bathroom and burst into tears. When he asked what I was doing, all I could say was, why do you always do things better than me?

Yeah, that's not Rose. The bathrooms are so much cleaner than when I do it. Rose has never said that. He genuinely... He genuinely didn't know what to do or say. I'm okay, but this does seem to be the thing that pushes me over the edge when I feel vulnerable.

Yeah, but it's just anything, isn't it, when you feel a bit like that? Love the podcast. I've caught up from episode one since having my daughter Autumn Bella Rose in November and often find myself laughing so loud, I wake her up from episode one since having my daughter, Autumn Bella Rose, in November and often find myself laughing so loud I wake her up. Thanks, Amy in Cambridge. Oh, thank you.

That is bad, though. You shouldn't try it. You know, maybe don't listen around your daughter. We don't want to be responsible for a child waking up. No. Well, I don't really care. It's not my kid. No, I can give a fuck.

I'm not the one waking up. Rob, we've got time for a small business shout-out at the end, have we? Yeah, come on. As always, a shout-out to these small businesses. Oh, we've got time for small business shout out at the end, have we? Yeah, come on. As always, a shout out to these small businesses. Oh, what about this? Considering what we're talking about. Yeah. Hi, Rob and Joshua, I'd love a small business shout out for my husband

Tim's no and low alcohol drinks website called thedrinksedit.co.uk aims at those that love a drink but want it to be healthier or just don't want the hangover. Oh my word. Pretty much perfect for parents to be or any parent who can't handle the pain of a child jumping on their fragile head

after a night of drinking. Use the code TDE as in the drinks edit 15PH as in parenting hell. TDE 15PH for a discount. Thanks so much and Lou is my hero for getting the old lady trolley i've always

wanted well rob uses one now as well i know sarah from london thank you very much guys i've got i've got a really niche small business shout should we do a niche one yeah hello josh and rob first off i want to say i adore your podcast i look forward to every week i know this is probably a long shot but i would love more than anything to be featured in your small business segment. My name is Christine from Nashville, Tennessee. Whoa, count us in. And I'm the founder of The Vocalist. I'm a voice and audition coach working to build up my own studio.

I love to work with all kinds of ages who are passionate about singing and growing their confidence through their voice. I do mostly remote lessons, so she can do it remotely. I love to work with all kinds of ages who are passionate about singing and growing their confidence through their voice. I do mostly remote lessons. So she can do it remotely. I do remote lessons so I can work with young artists from anywhere in the world. This would help me in ways you can't even imagine. Thank you for all you do.

And that is thevocalistworkshop.com or Insta, the vocalist workshop. And you can do them on Zoom. So if you've got a decent mic, and she'll have good headphones, she'll be able to coach you. Oh, if you've got a decent mic, send it my way, because I've got an absolute shocker. Okay. Yeah, so that's The Vocalist Workshop. Setting up a little business.

Good luck. Yeah. And a quick reminder, Josh. Just a quick one, Rob. Just a quick one. To you and the listeners. From next week. To me?

Well, yeah, in case you forget when you listen back. I do listen back, yeah. forget when you listen back i do listen back yeah i know you listen back it's probably got such good figures i just leave it running your energy bill's huge just 15 devices having it played but from next week the tuesday the 8th the podcast will only be available on spotify and you can get spotify from the app store for free download it for free and listen for free but that's the only place for you to listen to the show from next week. And we'll see you there. It's been lovely to see you today, Rob.

And you, mate. I feel like we don't get to see each other enough at the moment. We haven't got any more PR to do, have we? Oh, I don't know. I'm going on Jonathan Ross. Yeah, you're going on Jonathan Ross. Are you going on Graham Norton? No, I think that's the thing that's fallen by the wayside.

You don't want a third paedophile accusation, do you? No, exactly. I'll hold that back. Here he comes on, the pervert of fallen by the wayside. You don't want a third paedophile accusation, do you? No, exactly. I'll hold that back. Here he comes on, the pervert of his book about kids again. Right, well, we'll see you next week. See you next week, Josh. See you next week, listeners.

Bye. Bye. Josh, do you fancy going for a beer? Maybe like the 14th of April? Can't do the 14th of April, Rob. How come? We're doing the Parenting Hell Arena Tour at Manchester Arena. Oh, okay, yeah. How about the 14th of April, Rob. How come? We're doing the Parenting Hell Arena Tour at Manchester Arena. Oh, okay.

How about the 19th of April? Oh, no, I can't do that. I'll be doing the Parenting Hell Live Tour in Nottingham. What about the 20th of April? Cardiff Arena. Parenting Hell Live, Cardiff Arena. 21st? 21st of April? No, I can't do that either.

London, 02. 23rd of April? I can do the 22nd. We've got a day off. 23rd, yes, yes.'t do that either. London, 02. 23rd of April? I can do the 22nd. We've got a day off. 23rd, yes. Yes, Wembley. What about the 28th of April? I'm in Birmingham.

Do you know what, Rob? Parenting Hell live tour. Yeah, but we'll just have a drink afterwards. Yeah, should we do that? Yeah, that'd be nice. We need to plug the live tour, by the way. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's a live tour of Parenting Hell,

and I cannot wait. It's genuinely going to be an absolute thrill to do. And do you know what it would make? A perfect Christmas present. Two of those tickets. Oh, great Christmas present. Or Father's Day present or Mother's Day present. Exactly.

See you there.