Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP3: The One Where Lou Has Her Appendix Out

Episode Date: July 26, 2022

S05 EP3: The One Where Lou Has Her Appendix Out More misadventures in parenting (and beyond)... this week Lou has her appendix out whilst Rob gets covered in dog sh*t and has to attend a speed awareness course. Not all at the same time...Please rate and leave a review Thanks Rob + Josh (and Michael) BIG NEWS.... we're writing a book! ⭐ All the stories we can’t tell on the podcast – in depth.⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents)⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them... [e-mail]'s it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)?And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick?Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike.Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here: https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBookIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellMAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Ellis. Can you say Josh Whittacombe? Josh Whittacombe. Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Good job, buddy.

Is that Katherine Ryan? It's not. That is Ellis, age two, introducing you from Columbia, South Carolina. Columbia? Not Columbia, Columbia. Columbia, a place in South Carolina. He'll be joined by a little sister in November,

but we'll be dumping them both off at my parents in April to fly out to see you guys at the O2. No way. That is incredible. That can't be the sole reason of the journey. It can't be. If it is, can't sue plane tickets. It's not worth it.

No, it is worth it. You don't know how shit their life is normally. They sound pretty upbeat, so I think we've got a lot to beat because they sound like they've got a good life. I've just looked at Columbia in South Carolina. It looks great. There's sort of pretty buildings and palm trees, and it's not always the way.

Where is South Carolina? I was going to go just below North Carolina, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Oh, well, you kind of had a cake and ate it there, didn't you? That's me. That's my old Bobby Beckles. Oh, it's on the coast. Oh, it's right down the bottom.

It looks lovely. I imagine that the trip, they're over in Europe for something else as well. Yeah, yeah. The show at the MEN. Did I tell you I went on a date with a man, sort of?

It was weird. No, I'd have thought I'd have remembered. That's a twist in the old tale. When it wasn't a date, it was weird no i'd have thought i'd have remembered if that's a twist in the old town it wasn't a date it was like basically i i don't know if i told you there's a writer right thompson um that i really liked his book about american sports stars and stuff and he's from um he's from like um mississippi or somewhere like deep south of america anyway he messaged me saying i'm in town and i was in town and I went and had four Guinnesses with him.

Oh, wow. And I was sat in a pub and I'd never met him before. It was just on Instagram and I was waiting for him to come in. Oh, wow. And then we just chatted for an hour and a half because we were a bit late about American sports and about Britain. And I gave him some scampi fries and some pork scratchings and then we kissed. No, I didn't i didn't anyway he was saying that i was talking about florida and i like florida and he was saying florida's really sneaky florida stole loads of i don't know if they stole it but if you look at a map of america florida is a little like knob the knob yeah i'm looking at it now also it cuts right across and

nicks all the coasts from alabama oh look at that look how much cut and it's just a straight line yeah that is that is bad that's bad that's bad and he was saying all along that coast towards new orleans is absolutely amazing and it's not not full of like british tourists going to disney it's sort of just if you went on a little road trip but um anyway that's my story oh how was that it was all right yeah i liked it it was do you know what it was the month before the uh the hurricane hit new orleans i think oh really uh but it was very nice yeah um do you know what i was in a hostel yeah because i was 22 and that's the kind of thing you don't have to be defensive about your success on lack of success no no no but um i didn't like

hostling rob there's too many people that thought they were your friend because they were just in the hostel I hated it I went in a hostel once and it was me and my four mates and in the middle of the night a man came in and slept in one of the spare beds and when we woke up he was still asleep and he just had a tag on the end of his bed with O'Sullivan on it

and then we just left because we were scared yeah why you left because we were scared. Yeah. Why were you left because you were scared? Yeah, just because now, even now, we could go to each other, oh, Sullivan, and he's like our candy man, probably just some tired bloke who wanted a kip. My main memory of New Orleans was,

A, there was an Irish guy who my friend saw wanking in the bottom bunk, just having a wank in his bed. In New Orleans, of all places. And then there was, everyone was like, a lot of those people in those hostels think they're bloody Jack Kerouac. They think they're like something.

Jack Kerouac. Jack Kerouac. Jack Carroll's, anyway. Anyway. Just do more, just do more. Jack off Iraq. Jack off Kerouac. That's more like it, isn't it? That's nice. That's nice, isn't it? anyway just do more just do more jack off Iraq jack off Iraq

that's more like it isn't it that's that's nice that's nice isn't it that's the kind of thing people come for yeah yeah they

Jack Carraway does in his little hostel bed oh yeah really nice they come for it yeah too much yeah maybe yeah jeez

oh yeah anyway a guy came up to me yeah and he was like hey mate I'm going on a night out and i haven't got any clean clothes could you're right if i borrow a t-shirt i'm like absolutely not what is he much bigger than you i'm just like this is i've got shoulders mate

honestly you should see my fucking shoulders. I still... There's a photo of you topless. Where? Of you topless. I think I asked the last leg with Alex Brooker and you're all wet and you're topless and I can't find it anywhere, but I remember and it really made me laugh.

Why did it really make you laugh? I don't think you were in... You weren't in peak physical shape. I think it was a few years ago when you were boozing more now you're a lean mean fighting machine you get the calipers out you just had strong ET vibes in the photo

and you've never looked like ET before why were you looking at a photo of me wet and naked after the last leg was it on set or was it like we had a shower afterwards I don't know what you and alex you know me adam and alex will shower together afterwards like a football team really and do so do you use the big accessible shower for that is that what that's exactly i get given those

accessible showers we've discussed this a lot in hotels everyone thinks you're disabled they do there's nothing wrong with being disabled but you don't want to have the room that someone else might need no but you know occasionally rob when i'm parking i think i could get away with this um i don't i'm joking 100 would never do that you could get a blue badge for something i reckon there's something wrong with you that's blue badge worthy what do you mean well just you're allergic to chlorine there's some sort of you could go on for allergies i't know, I think if you went to the doctors with enough chutzpah, you could convince them to give you a blue badge. Yeah, but before you know it, that's a Daily Mail article there.

I reckon you could just go in and sit down and go, right, blue badge is it? And you just go, yeah, if you want. Then it's not your fault. Yeah. Anyway, what were we talking about? How's your driving been this week, Rob? My driving? Oh, my driving? Oh drop my oh my mate actually you know what that little five minute chat we've had about we've had about the south coast of uh america has probably been the most relaxing five minutes

since i last spoke to you it's been mental in our house i am i am what i'd categorize as stressed yeah just from too much stuff going on um okay so we got back from uh greece on the monday i spoke to you uh six o'clock until seven o'clock then i um it was the hottest night ever remember yeah um so my kids went to bed at 11 p.m the bedtimes at the moment are all over the place 11 p.m basically our house gets so hot upstairs where it's actually like a furnace. And it wasn't cool enough to sleep. So they went to bed about 11 p.m. Everyone slept basically naked on top of the covers with fans directed at bumholes.

It was essentially the way to cool down. Yeah. Lovely image. If you walked into our house that night, it would look like the opening scene of The X-Files. What's the opening scene of The X-Files? You know where there's always some sort of weird X-Files mystery. night it looked like the opening scene of the x files what you know no no but like i know you know where there's always some sort of weird x files mystery i was like i was like i don't remember the titles no it'll be like a scene from the x files where someone goes up all the

stranger things where you walk in a room and it's just like a wind everywhere from the fans and just like bodies yeah yeah yeah so that was monday night Then Tuesday, we was up at six because Lou had to go off and get her appendix taken out. Oh, been there, done that. It's not a laugh. Poor Lou had her appendix taken out when it was 41 degrees. Oh, my word. So that happened. Then my parents came up to help me with the kids

because I also had to record podcasts with you guys. Yeah. We had some podcasts due because we've had the break. I had to record them then. So my parents came up to look after the kids. kids it was 41 degrees so it was quite brutal um so they come up and helped with that but also i had to go and pick up the cat oh god so i had to go before my parents came at 8am i took my kids to go and pick up a cat i also panic bought an aircon unit for our bedroom because lou it was day surgery so she had to come

she came home on the tuesday so it was she would have had to go back into hospital she's laid in that room because it sort of cools down at night but in the day the sun sets on the window of our bedroom and it's just close the curtain they're shut and all the windows are shut it's still too hot just trust me it's too hot okay this is How mobile is Lou at the moment? Well, she can't drive, she can't lift, and she can't really do anything with the kids. We're recording this Thursday, so I'm doing... All the heavy lifting, quite literally. Literally, yeah.

So I had to go and get the cat, the aircon unit, came back, my parents come, I did the podcast recording with you. Then I had to go and get the dog from the dog hotel. That was three o'clock in the afternoon on a Tuesday. Well, it's basically kennels, but we say that to the the kids we say that to the kids so they don't get upset but you can't take in grease um the dog it's a dog hotel um it's a good one actually um a pound just so that that tree in the park i tied him to for a week i didn't i didn't do that don't panic um anyway so i did that that was tuesday yeah, then yesterday,

I've been having to take the dog for a walk at 6am. Because of the heat? Because of the heat, and obviously the kids are still sleeping, so I can get back in time to give the kids breakfast and look after the kids, because Lou's in pain. Oh, man, alive. And your kids are on summer holidays now?

Yes, but they went into super camp today. Then one of the kids came out crying and all upset because she weren't in the same group as the older kid, but they can't be in the same group because they're different ages. And then I tried to take them back. I tried to take them in this morning and then the younger one was going to be upset. And then they went, oh, don't worry. And then they said to my eldest daughter, oh, there's three girls that you know from your school that are in your class today. And then the younger one was all excited. And I was no you're not in that class i was like oh my

god so she's upset and then they went right you're all gonna go swimming today i didn't know it's swimming they've got no swimming stuff oh god so they're not going swimming but they had a week swimming last week but they can go in the bouncy castle or whatever it is so they're in there have you do you think this is i think this is a a racket Rob. The school that my daughter's going to go to in September, they were like, oh, and, you know, there's after-school clubs that you can do, you know, you can pay for, or you can do during the holidays. Basically, the holidays are a way for them for six weeks

to suddenly just charge you for a shitter version of school. Yeah, and then also because you can't take, you're working most people get four weeks holiday year don't you can't take six weeks holiday no but then also as well you've got the two week you i think you're in for a culture shock josh yeah no i'm fully aware i'm in for a culture shock you've got your school your kids are in school but you what she was in nursery nine till six every day including half terms and summer holidays and Easter. So what are you going to do? Well, I don't know, Rob.

But do you know what I have done? Because she's in school. She's in nursery all summer, isn't she? And you're taking her out the week before. Yeah, yeah. You are in, Fred. It's the hour before, Rob. She's doing nursery up until 9am on the...

It's actually an afternoon. It's just one afternoon start at school. So she'll do the morning in nursery. Then I'll ferry her across town in a taxi. Oh, she can make her own way. But I tell you what I have done. I've marked the holidays in my diary. That's what I've done.

Yeah, that's key. That's key. And then you can try and... I don't know what that's achieved, but there are in there. You just know when it's going to be harder now. So now what you need is an action plan. So how do you approach this holidays situation?

Well, it's totally different for what your job is. There's a lot of people at my kid's school that they put them into camp. So they'll save up their holiday for a summer holiday and go away for a week or two weeks. And that's that covered because they're on holiday with you and you're off and then there's a combination of child care from like family and then some people send them so they might get their nan and granddad to come up to have them for a few days here and there or one parent takes time off and the other one doesn't yeah so they take a week off or they

go into like camps and stuff like that so it is do it you've got proper jobs well like yeah if you've got both full-time so what the way i do it is i try to have school holidays off and then i work sometimes six or seven days a week not all the time but i work yeah non-stop when they're in school. Yeah. And Lou does the pick-ups and drop-offs, so that when they're off, I'm off. But I can do that because I'm self-employed. And luckily, comedy-wise, especially in the summer, does stop. No-one's doing tour shows.

No-one's laughing in August. Everyone's on holiday, so you don't sell tickets in August. You don't really sell them over Christmas because of pantos. So it actually works quite well for a comedian. So you're actually in quite a good position,osh it's quite weird isn't it because when i was a kid i didn't even think about it that it must be an administrative nightmare that suddenly you're at home well it's weird because i think lou was more aware of that because her dad did nine to fives and stuff where my dad always worked afternoons and evenings and my mum worked like part-time but

then mainly was at home with us so they could you could shift and be a bit more flexible and stuff but yeah anyway it is brutal but if anyone's got any tips of what to do in the summer or ideas of how to sort out child care let us know but i think it's basically whatever you can find friends family camps things like that but um but yeah so that that's but that's what we weren't planning on put them in the camps because lou would normally be at home but she can't really look after the kids of course so but the other two issues i've had this week is now the dogs started coughing so i've had to book a vet appointment oh no so i've got a vet appointment at 4 45 today and me and you are supposed to be going for a meeting,

well, a publisher, I don't even know what it is, a publisher's dinner about the book at seven. Yeah. So I might be late in a pair of shorts. No, I won't bring the dog. I can't have him coughing everywhere. So the dog's got a cough. Yeah, I know.

But also, I've got a cough. I'll just get on with it, mate. But I think with dogs, you have to be a bit more, there might be something else going on. But I don't know. I think it could be fine, but I've got to get him checked yeah yeah yeah so he's coughing and then have you got gotta ask have you got pet insurance yes i have i've got pet insurance oh knock yourself out mate fill your boots that lou's still not uh ever claimed on

let's not get bogged down by that so we had to take the dog um to the vets pretty recently to get some antibiotics never been claimed back on but that's that's something that lou's decided on i'm not gonna let that uh i'm not gonna bring that up now because she's not loaded she's full of surgery gas and she's got little bruised belly poor thing she looks really uncomfortable i feel so sorry for you so it's so difficult when you're run ragged and like a blue-arse fly and your partner's unwell and it's not their fault. When they're hungover, I quite like that because you can go, you deal with them, you cause this.

But when someone's had their appendix taken out, it's just like, and she's like, Rob, do you mind getting me a drink? And she's not demanded at all, but she can't get up loads. She's got to start moving a bit more, but she can't lift things and move stuff. She can't get the kids out of the butt, all those sort of things. So it's me constantly doing it. But you just want to just go, I don't want to do this. I don't want to do all of this.

But I have to because I love you and it's fair. And when I had a bad ankle, you helped me. Apart from after a week, Lou said to me, you need to get better or die. And you did, to be fair. But I'm not going to say that to Lou because she's getting better. Yeah, of course. She'll be fine. But it's just a bit stressful.

When I had my appendix out, I was not doing much for a good week. It was a good old week. A whole week. I remember, I just remember, because it's very tender. Yeah, of course. You've had an organ removed from your body. Yeah, exactly. Under anaesthetic. Even though it feels like the, maybe like, it's the beginner's operation, isn't it?

It's like weed before crack. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It feels like this isn't a proper one. This is like a kind of warm-up op. Yeah. But actually, that means you don't take it seriously enough yes and then you get home you're like fucking hell someone's been chopping in my body someone's but someone's chopped me body up yeah and it really hurts

i think it's because it happens a lot you just get used to it did i tell you when i went, they gave me the morphine and then I couldn't sleep because of the morphine. And I went to the woman and I was like, I can't sleep because I've had too much morphine. And she said, no, I think it's the sugary tea we gave you. I was like, I've not been kept on my fucking sugary tea, mate. Oh, I think that does happen.

You get to an age where if you have like two spoons of sugar, you're up for a week. But I'm not at that age. You get to an age where if you have, like, two spoons of sugar, you're up for a week. But I'm not at that age! You're not far off, are you? I was about 36. Are you hungover as well? Your voice sounds cool. Yeah, I'm a bit hungover, yeah.

I was at League of Their Own last night. Oh, I've not heard. It was their wrap party. And I thought, you know, it's been a long, old series, so we need to cut loose a bit. How many episodes were you on? One, last night. So you got there about six, did the show,

and then you had a wrap party celebrating the end of the eight-part series. Yeah, exactly. Cool, yeah, yeah. I was meant to get on a... Did you make a speech? No, Romesh did. Did he? Yeah.

What did he say? Just how much he values all the team. And just how thankful he is that James Corden career's rocketing. Yeah, he's now got my feet under the table. Just want to thank James Corden for making The Late Show a success. And all the guys over there, stay side. Did you read some of your books to anyone?

You like doing that, don't you, when you're drunk at telly shows? No, no, no, no, I didn't, no. I talked to Jo Brand about comedians in the 90s. Was Jo Brand on the show? Yeah. No, no, she just came to the wrap party. No, I phoned her up.

It was quite weird. I just stood in the corner and phoned her up. Do you know who needs to hear about this? Jo Brand. Yeah. Oh, dear. And who else was on that episode? Declan Rice was quite exciting.

Oh, yeah. He's a nice bloke, isn't he, Declan Rice? Oh, lovely, lovely bloke. Yeah, really nice. I met him at Reading. At Reading Oh yeah, he's a nice bloke, isn't he Declan Rice? Oh lovely, lovely bloke yeah, really nice. I met him at Reading At Reading? What, Reading Festival? Yeah, he was watching Liam Gallagher. Oh wow I was so drunk though, I was really obnoxious. Oh were you?

I started bullying Tom Grennan Oh well, he's very good at football, Tom Grennan, I don't know who he is but he was very good in soccer. He's a singer Anyway, I think we're going off a piece, but it was good though, was it singer um anyway i think we're going off a piece but it was good though was it how much you have to drink to get drunk at this stage of busyness because you're quite tired oh i just yeah i'd had a terrible night's sleep as well the night before i'd had about three hours sleep because it was fucking boiling and then get this this was annoying

i finally got to sleep about two and then at four i got woken up because we'd left the windows open the doors were banging in the house you know and i couldn't identify which door it was and i i must have left the bedroom three times to close a different door to try and track it down i i still it was like i just couldn't by the end i was like i've closed all the doors in the house but there's still a door banging it was like a crystal maze yeah i couldn't get all the doors in the house, but there's still a door banging. It was like a crystal maze. Yeah, I couldn't get to the bottom of the banging door. Did you ever get to the bottom of the banging door? Well, Rose thinks it was the landing toilet,

but she came to that conclusion. The landing toilet? Is that what you call the toilet you have a shit in? Yeah. It's the landing toilet. Oh, this is what I've talked about toilet something awful happened to me josh oh no i trod barefoot in dog shit oh my gosh i i just walk into the sea and i'd never come back i think i'm tempted to cut my foot off and replace you on the last leg

what happened well i thought i'd cleared it all up. And then the kids were playing. And then I was walking along on the grass barefoot. And I just, as soon as I put my foot down, I knew. Oh, no. And I just didn't want to look. So I just stood there. And then in the end, I slowly lifted my left foot up.

And it was just dog shit all over my foot. Oh, my God. And I just shut my eyes. And I still had left foot up and it was just dog shit all over my foot and i just shut my eyes and i still had my foot up i didn't want to put it down again in case i squashed it in more and i i just i just wasn't willing to accept this was my life and the kids were screaming for something and i just stood there and i reckon i stood there to 10 to 15 seconds just processing. Because I was in denial at first.

I was like, a bit of mud. Oh, God. But I knew it wasn't mud. Is it, in a way, better that it's the foot than the shoe? Because you're never getting it off the shoe. But you can clean it off the foot. Do you know what I mean? It was better that it was the foot.

And also, it was good it wasn't anywhere near the toes. It was pure arch. Oh, pure arch. But it was... I'd pressed. I haven't got high arches anyway, so it definitely made an impression. I've got very high arches.

But you'd have been fine, mate. You might have cleared it like a bridge. But I stood there and I was like... I just thought, do you know what, Rob? The worst thing you can do in this situation is rush. Yeah. So did you have to hop to the bath? Well, no, but exactly.

That's what I was going to do. But I was like, no, what? And then I think it's quite a good life lesson, this. You just let it dry and got on with your day. Just accept you will be covered in shit. Don't even try and clean yourself. No. Because my initial thought was get in the bath, get in the bath, get in the bath.

And I was like, oh. And I went to the movie and was like, no. Just just my new thing now is josh stop going with the first thing my brain says yeah and just sit with it and then decide in all walks of life when if the girls ask for something or lose i used to be so like just do that just do that and i answer so quickly to get things done but i've recently been going no take a second right just what are we going to do here and then i remembered that like that i've got an outside tap that's over soil oh yeah i just like there's an outside tap and there's like a little flower bed next to it it's the one we walk the plants with and i went yeah well if i just hop there i can just put my foot i won't even need to i can just keep my foot up like this i'm not going to tread it on the grass or tread it on the patio and i just then just turn the hose on the problem was i turned it on too hard oh no oh no yeah you fired

it all over the garden oh no i fired it all up my leg oh no onto my shorts oh oh my god okay so now oh my god things have escalated yeah i my decision. So your actual thinking things through has backfired massively. Yes. Because I should have thought it through. No, the initial thought was great. But when I got to the tap, I should have thought again. Yes. How am I going to do this?

This is me growing up, Josh, right? And I'm learning every day. But then, so what I did was I turned down the power, got it all off my, because it was only on my leg, and a bit of my shins, got it off my leg, got it off my foot, and then I took my shorts off and put them immediately in the bin. Yeah, that's the right thing to do. They were just cheap ASOS shorts, so I'd done that.

And then I'd cleaned it all off and I'd really got it wet, and then I went up into the shower and rubbed it with soap so hard, it is now a bit red. So when you say it do you mean your your your foot yeah i was i didn't i didn't get clean and go for a wank in the shower with soap save that for hostels in new orleans oh sullivan myself off um yeah so that that happened which was awful and then the other thing i had to do yesterday children doing during this period obliviously just running around laughing and shouting thing I had to do yesterday. So what were your children doing during this period? Obliviously just running around laughing and shouting.

And you had to presumably go down and clean up the dog shit as well. Yeah, and I had to go back and try and pick up dog shit that I'd smeared into the ground with my own feet. Oh, God. So there, that wasn't great. And then the other thing I had to do yesterday, Josh, was a speed awareness course. Oh, naughty boy.

So I had three hours on that on Zoom. I've never done one of them because I don't break the rules. Right, I did 26 miles an hour in a 20 and I didn't know it was a 20. Oh. Cut me some slack, Josh. In an electric car trying to save the planet and they're speedy off the lights. It's hard. I don't even remember 20s existing when I was a kid.

Well, exactly. So this is, Josh, this is what happened, right? I thought, do you know what? Fair enough done you've done the crime do the time right whatever i'll go for my little speedway zoom one or was it zoom one yeah so i went for zooming was your problem though wasn't it wrong here he goes it was actually on teams but it doesn't work for the joke do you think it was on teams because they were too worried about those jokes yeah potentially at one point someone said we're talking about going on a motorbike and you know how do you filter it like and said does

anyone ride a motorbike because you know you have to keep an eye out for them and then someone when you are do and then he went so um what what are uh motorists doing as you are trying to filter in he went i don't know i'm normally gone by then and they went oh i'm really sorry i forgot what i was doing but this is what annoyed me about the course right josh yeah so talk me through it how did it work well how could they tell that you weren't just like you know reading the transfer gossip i well no because you have to get engaged and so at one point they go they basically talk you through the highway code and show you pictures of roads and say what speed you think is and i thought joe i'm going in with this in open mind because i've done when i passed my test But they basically talk you through the highway code and show you pictures of roads and say what speed you think it is.

And I thought, you know what, I'm going in with this in open mind because when I passed my test, 20s didn't really exist, 20 mile an hour speed limits. Because I know when it's 30, there's the traffic lights close together, aren't they? And when it's on a country road with the white and black sign going through it, diagonally, that's... What's the traffic light thing?

Well, if there's traffic lights like lots of street lights near each other it's 30 oh i didn't know that normally and then if you're on a country lane and there's got this that white circle with the black diagonal line across that's national speed limit which is 60 dual carriageways 50 or 70 dependent on if it's a motorway 70 no no 60 but motorway speed limit 70 oh gosh so all these things you didn't really know and I thought that's great

because I know most of these but it's good to be refreshed but also I don't know when it's a 20 because I wasn't speeding on purpose

I just didn't I thought it was 30 because it was just a road in South East London it must be quite nostalgic learning about all this

because it must take you back to when you were because you presumably did the theory test well do you know what I learnt most was how little old people know how to work teams and zoom

i must have watched a lady trying to an older lady what oldies are what oldies are speeding really all nippy little 60 year olds all that basically we worked out everyone on the call was doing about 25 and a 20 all right, right, okay. Okay, right. Did anyone go, you're Rob Beckett? No. A couple of people logged on, though, like miserable sort of naughty kid faces and sort of go, huh? And then I had to put in a couple, I did a couple of jokes.

Couldn't help myself, John. Did you? Did you do some stand-up? Yeah, a little bit. There was one bit, they've got a photo of a motorway, and they go, they said, what's the hazard here? I went went is it the person that stood in the middle of the motorway to take this photo oh lovely lovely stuff there was one of them around about an old woman work an old and it was like which stage it used to be there's a little old lady all sort of hunched over and really old looks about 90 right 95 trying to get across and um and she went so what are you worried

about here i went that old lady crossing the road got a little laugh didn't it? Oh nice. Solid stuff. Really nice. But then I thought you know what Rob this is actually

slowing up the process. How many of you were there in there? About 10. So I was like this is good though because if I find out how to know it's a 20 then I won't get caught again

and I don't want to be caught and I don't want to over speed the limit so it's great. Anyway so we're going through this is a 30 this is a 40 this is a 50

and I went oh so how do we know if it's a 20 she went oh there there'll be signs every 15 seconds it's called repeaters and they have them on 40 40 mile an hour roads when it looks like it could be a 50 or 60 just i went oh okay so um there wasn't repeaters on the road i was on she went oh where was you driving she was like i was like london and she was like oh well uh yeah in london there's like about 20 different ways you can tell if something's uh a 20 mile an hour or not but there's no um hard and fast law or rule i was like oh okay so so you're trying to tell me there's not really a way to know like what can i look for well the only way really is that if you look to

your left and right down side roads and if it says 20 then go 20 i was like sorry so your advice to find out the speed limit is to take my eyes off the road and look to my left and right to see if it's 20. Right? Okay. So basically, I couldn't, there's no way to learn when it's a 20. It's basically, go 20 in London if you don't want to get.

And she was like, but if you know where, you know. Did you log off at that point? No, but then she went. You should have gone up. I shouldn't be here and just logged straight off. And then she was like, I if you know where, you know, each borough. Did you log off at that point? No, but then she went. You should have gone up. I shouldn't be here. And just logged straight off. And then she was like, I was like, well, okay. But also, find out what borough you're driving in.

And most boroughs have rules on in London neighbourhoods. I went, yeah, but the problem is in London, I can do three boroughs in like one trip. And she sort of was just like, well, yeah, just look to your left and right. At one point we had to draw a picture. They said, when you're driving and stressed, draw a picture of how you feel.

What? Okay. So I was like, what? So anyway, I just did a smiley face with two eyes and then just a straight line across. A bit like, just a straight line. So it wasn't smiling or unhappy. For the mouth, just a line across, yeah.

Do they tell you you need drawing implements before the... Well paper yeah but you know i've got a shelf but i've got that to hand yeah and uh and i showed it and she was like oh well i can't really see what that is rob what's that is that is that sad or confused and i said i mean to be honest with my emotions i don't know either and why did she say okay right i don't think she i mean i wasn't really delivering it very well but also i didn't i can't draw i don't know what my i'm like what i did you get drawings no i wasn't looking at drawings i couldn't i was watching the videos and listening to the content josh of this very informative it was good though because there were stuff you don't realize how fast you're going and stopping speeds and all that but one basically i went in it thinking what will i learn to stop me drive to

make me drive safer like you know because i want to drive safer the only thing i learned was here we go this is what i learned the only thing i learned i didn't know because they couldn't tell me about 20s because there's no real rule the thing i didn't know you know outside schools the triangle with the parent and the kid walking. Yeah. And underneath it says, when this flashes, it's 20 miles an hour. Right. That's not a law. That's not a law. That's just advice.

What, the schools have just gone off? No, no, no. The council's done it, but it's only law if it's in a red circle. Oh, wow. So if it says 20 in a red circle, if you go over 20, it's speeding. Yeah. It says 20 in a red circle. If you go over 20, it's speeding.

Yeah. Because it's just in a black sort of rectangle, and it says 20 when it's flashing. That means it's advice. So what I've learned is I can go faster past schools. That is good. But I went on a speed awareness course, and the only thing I was made aware of,

I can go faster past schools by law. It's all good about schools. My dad was in traffic, right? My dad's 78, was in traffic by a school and there was kids playing and the kid was looking at my dad like through the fence and my dad sort of waved to say hello and then the kid went and got a teacher

and pointed at my dad oh my god oh my god absolutely non-spotted oh my god it's good good though good well done school well done kid because it could have been um yeah a wrong one but you might not have been um anyway so that's sort of been my week so we're getting there though we're slowly getting there how are the kids did your daughter go to school school in september yeah she starts in september but i was a bit she was a bit upset when she came out of the super camp thing but she wasn't with her sister all day and i was a bit up because i was working my mum and dad had to get her but she wanted me and lou but then lou couldn't go and then i was working so i when i dropped her off this morning again she couldn't go in with her sister i was a bit like

and i said oh can i can she just go go in with her sister. I was a bit like... And I said, oh, can I... Can she just go in a sister's group? And they were like, oh, no, it's Ofsted inspected, so they can't be in the wrong academic year. And I was a bit stressed this morning. I went, look, I'm not looking for an exam grade. It's just I'm more interested in the pastoral care, which sounded like such a wankery thing to say.

Yeah, nice to get that phrase, though, when you reach it. Yeah, I'm more aware... Well, i'm not i'm just like look this kid is in here for three days let her hang around with a fucking sister she's not 17 and you're gonna go bmx in she's like two years younger about the same height let her go in she she's all right she'll cope probably faster than all the kids yeah she is oh what you doing today athletics send her in send her in um anyway so but i do think as well that she was finding it difficult in that new it's a new um hierarchy of there's loads of other kids there she doesn't know and

her old nursery that she's left now to go to primary school she was ruling the roost a bit because she was the oldest yeah yeah so she's gone from ruling the roost being the oldest to being a group of kids her age and older and and and then her sister's in another class of all her mates so i was a bit stressed dropping her in so i'm quite anxious to see her later i'm sure she'll be fine but it's horrible when your kid doesn't want to go somewhere and comes out upset and but this morning she was like yeah i want to go on a go so i'm trying not read into it too much but because i'm a bit anxious and stressed at the moment my anxiety will latch on to that even though it's not really coming from the kid anymore yeah my brain will go oh bet your daughter doesn't feel all right now you know oh fuck you i don't need this and actually there's no need for that thought

because i'm powerless at the moment they've got our numbers if she's upset they'd call so i just have to just ignore that until I pick her up and then find out how it went. You know what I mean? But it's hard to balance that when your head's spinning about five different other things and the dog keeps coughing

and you're stepping in dog shit. But apart from that, I'm having a great time on holiday. That's good. I'm glad you're having a nice time. I feel very different to how I did on the beach in Greece. Yeah, that's the thing, isn't it?

We're getting back from holiday. If you could bottle rest and then drink it a week later. Yeah. But you can't do that. No. Can you? Anyway, so, sorry, I feel like I've been moaning a lot in this episode. No, not at all.

That's what this podcast is, Rob. Oh, God. If you're going to apologise for moaning, we need to apologise for the last three years. I apologise for the last three years for the moaning. What have you been up to? Sorry, I've just spoke at you for two episodes now um watch any news well oh we've got a paddling pool oh we've got a situation rob your garden's

too small oh yeah the paddling pool's the size of the garden and get this yeah because last year when we left the paddling pool out overnight yeah so we've got a big it's like a big paddling pool yeah basically my daughter went to her friend's house. They had the paddling pool. We needed a new paddling pool, and she wanted that one. So we've got this big paddling pool. You're right. It's like two chambers with a bridge in the middle

and a rainbow over the top of it. Have you got a picture of it? I wonder if I could actually take the picture from up here. From your window? Because I can't get my head round. Let me find it. This is the problem. Last year, we left our paddling pool out overnight,

and it got savaged by the foxes night one. So we're having to bring our paddling pool in every night and put it in the fucking kitchen. I've got a really good recommendation. Is it like a fox spray? Right, no. So we bought a big paddling pool right yeah that's like got a slide on it and we're fortunate if i get that it's quite expensive it

was like 300 quid right but i thought the summer's gonna be long and hot if they play in that like you know like 20 times and they've they've done that in the first two weeks yeah i could i could spend you can spend under 50 quid taking the kids out for the day to go into a theme park or something so if i've got that for the summer, then we can invite people over, have barbecues, and they've got this fun thing. And if you get new kids to come, they'll love. So I've got them that.

And they'd have played with it, but then I've got them a little, when I was buying that, a little 20 quid thing that they're obsessed with, and it's the only thing they go on now. So I'm going to recommend that. I'll find it for you. It's basically like a flat bit of, like, paddling pool,

and then round the edge, you plug the hose in and it fills up round the edge full of water. And it's got holes in and then it spurts out like a spray. And the middle bit fills up slowly and it's very shallow. So it's not dangerous. And then they're doing knee slides on it, running round in it, jumping in it. And they absolutely love it. This might be better for you. Well, but would a fox not savage it?

It can't really. Because there's nothing that's really inflated right to savage and if they bit the edge it'd just make the hole slightly bigger for the sprinkler to come out right so there's not much they can really do this is it oh was it 40 good i got it for 20 it's 40 here here we go but it's really it's really good got it in Costco and it's called H2O Go with an exclamation mark it is it's very big though it says 11 foot

it can't be 11 foot that I mean my garden's 11 foot well well you've got a nice slippy new garden but in zone 5 you can squeeze this in mate

you're living in zone 1 you know it's a mad mad decision yeah it is she'll love this also our kitchen every night now

has a fucking huge inflated um paddling pool stood up on its side in the middle of the kitchen try try this josh i've just sent it to you i've googled it h2o go oh yeah you found it yeah yeah but do you know the problem with it rob what's that is she's already got a paddling pool and you're never going to convince her to give up the paddling pool. It's over. If you Google it, it's that one on Costco,

this 11 foot sprinkler pad. H2Go sprinkler pad. They absolutely love it. Yeah. That can't be savage by a fox, really. I wish you told me this. You're going to need a little adapter though because that'll get you.

You need to get the right adapter for it. So are you going to get one of them or are you going to keep the... I'm not going to need a little adapter, though, because that'll get you. You need to get the right adapter for it. So are you going to get one of them, or are you going to keep the... I'm not going to be able to talk her out of the bloody paddling pool, mate. She loves it. It's all she gets up for in the morning. So you have to empty it every night and then drag it in? No, don't empty the water. Yeah.

Yeah, but you keep the air in. Yeah, keep the air in. And then I stand it up in the kitchen kitchen and then you can't get past it and then you wake up in the morning you go down and basically your kitchen's got a huge inflatable in the middle of it and you have to kind of try and push it out of the kitchen on your own it's a nightmare rob it's an absolute nightmare um oh my god josh Have you seen that email about the people we're going for dinner with tonight? I'm just looking at it now. There's a lot of them.

There's 25 people. Well, that's good, right? Do you think they'll let us sit together? Oh, we're going to be one end each. What, like Henry VIII eighth one of his wives whoever it was that week um i'm gonna sit i'm gonna sit with the guy from waterstones and tell him that i used to work in waterstones i reckon i've got at least 20 minutes of chat there so this is basically people are wondering what we're talking about you go for dinner when you have a book out you go for

dinner with like all the different people that buy books yeah it's weird isn't it and you just chat to them and then yeah i think they decide if you they buy your book or not not like people not like the public no no no but like like tesco or tesco w.h smith amazon audible waterstones w.h smith again w.h smith again they've got free tickets Tickets Anyway There we go So what Is this for us to sort of like Schmooze them and impress them

Are we allowed to talk about this Is this like Boris Johnson meeting Lebedev I don't really know What you're allowed to talk about anymore. I'm sure you're allowed to go for dinner with a man from Waterstones.

You don't have to declare that. We're pressed on it next time we're on Jonathan Ross or Graham Norton. I put it to the you. Are you promoting this book? But I've got it on good authority that you met the head buyer

from WH Smith's Travel. Travel. One of the person's roles is head of books. That is not... What's he do? Read them? Sorry, what are we... I just didn't think there'd be that many people.

I've asked if I could wear shorts. Where are we going? I don't know, but I had to do that thing where, you know when you have to order your meal a week in advance? Yeah, well, I didn't realise there was about 300 people coming. Yeah, now I understand why. There's nothing worse, is there, than ordering your meal in? Well, there is a lot worse.

What have you ordered? I don't know. I didn't have any options. There was only one veggie option. Oh, right. Hairloom tomatoes, I think I remember you having. Yeah. And strawberry for dessert.

Why did I copy you in on my reply? And more to the point, why did you read and remember it? Oh, you've got consume, eh? Parmigiania. And strawberry you've gone for. Yeah. Well, there we go. I've got alabut.

Don't even want alabut. I fancied fish a week ago when I was in Greece when I replied to that email. That's the problem, isn't it? Be patient. What am I going to fancy in a week's time? And also, whenever you get there, there's always a new person that's been invited to a dinner.

Yeah. We had to do my mum's birthday meal. There was like 10 of us going, and then we all had to order in advance. It was really nice, actually. St Mildred's Bay down in Westgate. I'd recommend it. And I think that's what it's called.

Anyway, it's the fish restaurant there. And I ordered mine about a week before, which is fine. I still fancied it when I got there. And then my brother's girlfriend came and she just ordered scampi and chips on the flyer. I was like, who's this mover and shaker? It's so disappointing. You've never, ever go, I made the right decision a week ago.

Look, at the moment, it's 12.50 today. I don't know in seven hours' time if I want to eat halibut. No, it's 12.50. I don't even know what I want for lunch. What are you going to have? I don't know. I might have a... Do you know

did I tell you I bought some cuppa soup yeah you really have got nothing to talk about have you no

have I done that twice on the show what's going on in my life big news Josh has had a cuppa soup tune in next week

to see what else he's had right should we do some Instagrams yeah why not I think the cuppa soup has really led us to it yeah okay Cup of soup. Tune in next week to see what else he's had. Right, should we do some Instagrams? Yeah, why not? And then a small business share. I think the cup of soup has really led us to it. Yeah.

Okay. Oh, God, there's someone at the door now. Remember that episode when I thought I was getting taken somewhere? That was funny, wasn't it? What? Well, no, when we was having a nightmare with your internet and all stuff like that, and you was waking up the baby, and then my phone, my front door went anyway. Oh, God.

Right, let's do some Instagrams. Can Lou not answer the door? Or is she? Well, hopefully they can just leave it at the front door. Because, I mean, this doesn't need to be. What's Lou doing? Let's see what she's up to. I think you just left it at the front door. What is it?

It's just a box. Oh yeah, she's up for the box. Don don't worry about that she should be picking that box up like that lou oh hello i've just seen her on the little ring doorbell she picked that up i'll tell you what she moves quicker on her own than she does in person she was down like a fucking shit off a shovel she was shit up a hill right okay here we go potty training nightmare hi Rob and Josh this is from Claire

loving the podcast I only started listening this year when I returned to work after my maternity leaving April but this podcast made me feel so much

better about my life I only wish I'd found it sooner oh thanks Claire I think that is key whatever you think you are as a parent you're not as bad

as you think some of you are but most of you aren't I think that's our mantra really isn't it some as a parent, you're not as bad as you think some of you are, but most of you aren't. I think that's our mantra, really, isn't it? Some of you are, but most of you aren't. That's my... Yeah, we can't say all of you are good parents. Nah, there's some of you, yeah.

Some of you might, you know... You've got to pull yourself together, but in the main, we're all good. There'll be people listening to this who really the authority should get involved. Yeah. I have two daughters, 2.5 years old and one year old, 15 months between them.

Blimey. We started to potty train the eldest in late April. She picked it up old and one year old, 15 months between them. Blimey. We started to potty train the eldest in late April. She picked it up well and being very independent, she was soon using the potty and emptying, cleaning it out afters

without our help. Great. Until one day, I walked into the bathroom to find her washing the potty out after a big poo, using mine and my husband's toothbrushes.

Oh my God. Oh my God. To scrub it clean. Oh my God. All I can say is I hope this was the first time, but I cannot be sure. Oh my God. Oh my God. To scrub it clean. Oh my God. All I can say is I hope this was the first time, but I cannot be sure. Oh my God. Claire.

Poor Claire. That is absolutely harrowing. It's horrible, isn't it? Harrowing. You know, there's no way. But then if she's washed it with enough water, maybe you wouldn't, you might just think,

God, that toothpaste is a bit off. It's difficult because I wouldn't recognise the taste. Do you know what I mean? I wouldn't go, is that the taste of shit? I think I would. Well, you would after this week, yeah. No, but I don't know what... It's weird, isn't it?

I've never eaten... Because I just don't think... This is a disgusting episode. I've never eaten it, but I think I'd know I was eating it. Well, you ordered it tonight. I saw it. It was your first time. I fancied it last week I think I'd know I was eating it. Well, you ordered it tonight. I saw it. I fancied it last week.

Do you know what I mean? Oh, God. Do you want a boomer? Oh, you've got a boomer for me? I'll give you a boomer. My mother-in-law freezes Brad. That's not the end of it. Imagine if that was the end of it.

Good woman. Do you freeze Brad? Yeah, I do, actually That's not the end of it. Imagine if that was the end of it. Good woman. Do you freeze bread? Yeah, I do actually. I always forget to do it, but if there's space in the freezer, it's good to have because you just whip it out the night before for the kids for sandwiches.

Well, when my husband was a child, she would get two slices of frozen bread out, butter it, butter it, put cheese in it. I don't know why I said butter it.

Butter it, baby. Better ones are weird. She would get two why I said butter it. Butter it, baby. Better ones are wedge. She would get two slices of frozen bread out, butter it, put cheese in it. She would then put it in his lunchbox and hope that it was defrosted in time for lunch. That is... No, you've got to do it the night before.

That is not on. That is... But then would it go stale if you just left it out overnight? What were your... Did you have lunchboxes, Rob? I used to carry it out overnight. Did you have lunchboxes, Rob? I used to carry it until lunch.

I had a bit of a mixture of school dinners. All I remember eating at school was cheese toasties. It was the only thing we got fed. Just constant cheese toasties. And then sometimes it was packed lunch. I got 100 quid on a frutini. What?

You know frutinis? What were they? Were they like... Tin fruits, but like individual portions. I'm Googling it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did I tell you I had a cup of soup the other day?

Come on. It was a frutini, and it was like... And I ripped it open. It said, congratulations, you you won 100 quid. What? And you were in school? Oh, yeah. I was like, ooh. Like a hero. Oh, my God.

Because people kept on pranking other people. You know, remember when those Smith crisps had the salt in that you put on yourself? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So walkers were doing a thing where if you had a little blue sachet, you won money. So people were putting the salt in the bags when people weren't looking. So when I won my 100 quid, I thought I was lying.

But I won 100 quid on fruitini, and my mum spent it on tracksuits for me and my brothers. Oh, you had to split it? Yeah, brutal, wasn't it? That is grim. That is... Absolutely brutal. We had that.

We won the half-time 50-50 at Plymouth Argyle, 565 quid. Ooh! Yeah, but we had to split it. How many ways? Half brothers and half sisters. I ended up with65 quid. Ooh. Yeah, but we had to split it. How many ways? Half brothers and half sisters. I ended up with 70 quid. That's a tough split.

It's a tough split. And it was your ticket. You what? And it was your ticket. Well, it was me, my brother and my dad. I'm going to say it. None of the other siblings had come to any Gargoyle games. We'd served the bloody time.

Oh, no, that's not on. That needs to be split between the attendees of the game. The attendees of the game. You should have just split it in cash there and then took it to your grave. But do you know what happened? It was great.

It was a great day because we were just sat at half time and I wasn't even listening. They read out the number and my brother was just holding the ticket and I turned to look at him

and I've never seen a face more disbelieving. do you know what i mean he just couldn't because he couldn't come back in the day though yeah they just read out the number of the ticket he was literally looking at which must just be incredible and then my dad went onto the pit you weren't we weren't allowed to go on so we had to sit in the stands he went on and had his photo taken with pilgrim pete why can you go on so just leave the children maybe it's a gambling thing maybe you maybe you weren't yeah but you weren't it weren't like you were about to go and put it all on red you just were collecting the money with

the kids and and then when he walked back he had a woolly hat on and the whole of the stand saying he's got a tea cozy on his head and it was one of my proudest moments oh amazing and then do you know i can't i haven't really thought about this night pretty unlocked this story they were like if you want the cash yeah come to the office so we just came to it we we stayed behind afterwards came to the argyle office and they just kind of counted out the cash in 20s oh that must have felt good yeah and then we got home and we didn't tell my mom and uh we walked in yeah and uh my dad just started counting the money out on the kitchen table in front of her and she was like what the hell is going on it was an incredible one

incredible night amazing oh wow i'm glad we unlocked that memory josh yeah i hadn't thought about that in fucking years um oh we've got a good one here um this is from well i think we want to talk about sweepstakes for when a baby was born yeah um this is not exactly a sweepstakes from jerry but before our two-year- baby was born. Yeah. This is not exactly a sweepstake. This is from Gerry. But before our two-year-old was born, the Irish government announced two extra weeks paid leave for partners for any children born after the 1st of November. Due date was early November.

All through October, my wife had to listen to me telling her she wasn't to go early and to hold out. Did she make it? Didn't tell us. Thanks, Gerry. Cheers for that. I'd say your anecdotal skills need work, Gel. Yeah.

We need closure on that story, Gerry. Should we do a lot more Instagrams on Friday, Rob? Yeah, let's do that. We've got loads to get through. If you've got any stories about winning things, we're up for them as well. Winning things as a kid. Winning things as a kid.

It means so much more did you go on any of those tv shows and win i was on a tv show years ago my school got pranked on like a cbb thing and basically um i recorded it and it's just of me and all my school it'd be an amazing bit of video to have like of me and all my school mates at like eight or nine or something yeah they come in and prank us and we're like what where? Where's our teacher gone? And then it's like, What was the prank? I think it was like, it was a substitute teacher

and he was being really weird and we were all laughing at him being weird and he was falling over and then they went, it's actually a joke. Anyway, so we had that.

I recorded that and then at the end of it, it was my best videotape ever. I had the Arsenal Everton game where Arsenal won the league and Tony Adams scored that volley and then put his arms out. Yeah. Yeah.

And my brother recorded over it. Surely they can track that down, that footage. Who are they? They go out there. Who are they? But if they are listening, please find that. That was Edgebury Primary School. Edgebury Primary School in Chislehurst. Someone they find it. I was in primary school

so it would have been between early 90s, some point 90, 91 through to 96. Come on, someone. Come on, they. But yeah, we'll see you on Friday. Thanks for listening. Bye.