Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP33: Adventures In Babysitting

Episode Date: November 15, 2022

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... In this episode producer Michael spends 36 hours as a 'parent'. And we find out about Top Knot Debate, Two Rices, Surprise End To Play Date, and Worrying Success of Packed Lunch... Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Esme, can you say Mr Bucket? No, not Rob. Rob Beckett. Esme, can you say Rob Beckett? Wilcasson! Can you say Joshua? Widdicombe.

Widdicombe. Wilcass! Who's Lucas? There we go. That was cute, wasn't it? This is my seven-year-old son, Fraser, getting an intro for you from his three-year-old daughter, Esme. Was you eating as that clip was being played?

No, I wasn't. I could sense food. I'm looking at someone. Yeah, well, this is the thing, Rob. It's been a hell of a morning. That's the sad thing. I'm looking at someone. Yeah, well, this is the thing, Rob. It's been a hell of a morning. But it's just been fine. But like, so my daughter's off ill. So I dropped my son at nursery, came back.

When I came back, my daughter was then totally fine. Okay, what was wrong? Just felt a bit of a cold? She was off her food and a bit ill this morning. We're like, if you're all right at lunchtime, we'll take you in. And so I just went down. She was fine.

I've got to cancel the thing I'm doing after this to take her in now. And then I'm just going to sit there in the, well, in the car, go to a cafe. It's 12 o'clock now. It's 12 o'clock. Take her in half one, drop her off. No point in coming home to go back.

I can't go there three times in a day. Just sit in a cafe wait out then take a trick-or-treating with her mates after that because it's it's halloween as that's shit isn't it that is a shit day well i hadn't even thought about that really i i just thought that's my day yeah yeah that's the reality of being a parent it's a shit day about to cancel work which is gonna build up later in the week or next week because you've got to put food in. To add to that, I'm currently, I'm eating.

So I'm currently looking at a piece of toast that I can't eat because we've started a podcast and notoriously I eat during the podcast. I'm like, well, I can't eat this for the next 48 minutes. You cannot eat it. No, so you're just going to stare at toast. This is awful. I'm just going to put my, just throw it out the window.

Wait, oh, no, he's muted himself to choke down some toast. A pathetic little rat. Like a little starving duck at the pond. Of course it is. It'll be some awful sourdough seeded bastard from East London that cost you five quid. Guilty. Absolutely exactly what I'm looking at.

Dry throat. Now he's going to suck down some oat milk tea. Because, Josh, I hate to break it. Absolutely, exactly what I'm looking at. I'll dry a throat. Now he's going to suck down some oat milk tea because, Josh, I hate to break it to you, I don't think you enjoy life enough. What? Because I have oat milk in my tea. It's nicer than normal milk. Still chewing.

He's still chewing. I'm not. You finished? For now. I wish we were interviewing a guest so there was a third voice that could carry this while I chewed I wish we had a video of you gobbling that down like a little bird

do you want to see me do you want to see my toast I want to see your toast look at the seeds on that that's a hard sourdough toast as well isn't it yeah why don't you finish that because I want to ask Michael some questions

because Michael text us on the whatsapp group Yeah. Okay. Well, yeah. Why don't you finish that? Because I want to ask Michael some questions. Because Michael texted us on the WhatsApp group saying, shall I read out what Michael sent us? I am now in sole charge of a seven-year-old for the next 48 hours. You're a big fan of your niece, but I don't think you as a fan of the responsibility of a seven-year-old for 48 hours. Yeah, obviously. Usual caveat. I absolutely adore her.

She's one of my favourite people in the world. And've been in charge of 48 hours how did you find it yeah it was it was a lot of work so a little bit of context uh my sisters so I'm the oldest of four I've got two sisters who normally kind of pick up the slack in terms of any uh additional parenting required when it comes to you know everyone's nieces and nephews and unfortunately they're on holiday in Florida like the whole rest of the family and it's just me and my brother that are still here in the uk my brother was really unwell he basically couldn't drive and they see the only way that we could get her back is if i took her on the train yeah but what happened was i was making my way back to london at this point so i'd left the isle of wight and i got this phone call saying

look you need to take her this is the only way she can. So I'd left the Isle of Wight and I got this phone call saying, look, you need to take her. This is the only way she can get back. You are literally the last resort of... I'm the only person. This is like a Hollywood film about a man who learns responsibility. Both you and the child learn something about what life really means on this journey.

Also, isn't it true that in the Isle of Wight they call the mainland the other island? That's the first I've heard. Is it? We call you mainlanders, we call you grockles. Grockles? What's a grockle?

Grockles, Devon people use that to mean tourists. Yes, yeah, yeah. Whereas we're corkheads. You're corkheads? You inbred bastards, the pair of you. Oh, I'm sorry, Rob,

if the places we grew up are so beautiful that people visit them for their relaxing time no people the grockles with the crockles you weird little hobbit bastards too much time on your hands because there's nothing to do so you think of weird shit sorry carry on michael uh so i'd already left the island at this point i've got the boat across and i was waiting for my train at portsmouth to get back to london so anyway i get this phone call and i then have to wait for my niece to be brought to the ferry and then come over on the

ferry for me to take her to london by this point it's quite late in the evening it's sort of seven half seven at night yeah so there's no way i can get her back to colchester at that point so she has to come with me to London. Yeah, plane, train and automobile. You could do a kind of, that's exactly how the film would go. You'd end up like in a front of a lorry with like a guy that you've hitchhiked with. It'd be great. Except I've got a seven-year-old who is giddy with excitement at the fact that she's A,

now up this late past her bedtime. B, is going to be up for several hours more still by the time we get back. I had no idea how much content and entertainment you have to provide for a seven-year-old. Didn't have an iPad. Didn't have an iPad. I didn't have an iPad.

I have my phone, which is running a bit low on battery, but no headphones. No headphones. So I don't want to be that guy on the train that's playing YouTube videos of three blind mice over and over again. So what I do to counteract that is... Good seven-year-old reference, three blind mice. They love that, seven-year-olds.

Over and over again. But this is a barometer of how well it went. So I immediately booked first-class train tickets because I think, well, at least we'll be probably the only people in that carriage. There's 15 minutes prior to this train, I think. Right, we'll pop to the WH Smith over the road and I'll get some magazines.

Just something to keep us. I'm so excited about this. That's 35 quid. So excited about what magazines you bought for a seven year old considering three blind mice is you get her my first ABC book

so I bring her with me obviously I'm not a fool I'm not going to go in there and pick blind so you don't want to leave her on her own in a train station that's not the reason

the reason so the reason you're taking her is not because you're looking after it, but because you don't want to pick the wrong magazine. So what I then experience is tantrum number one, let's call it, because she's obviously tired. She's a little bit overwhelmed by everything that's going on. Of course.

Gets a sort of form of decision paralysis, because rather than me picking one for her or suggesting, I think I'm being a cool uncle and going, hey, you can have anything that you like and then she's yeah but i don't think that's the wrong thing to do i don't think you could just go take this magazine i don't think i don't i don't think you're in the wrong there michael i think that you played the hand you were dealt really well i'm gonna say i played the hand badly because the time for the train was rapidly disappearing to purchase it and get back and i was in a scenario where she

was currently holding five different magazines with lots of plastic tap and just didn't know which one to pick and every time i sort of suggested i tried to force it i could feel the verge of like a nuclear meltdown happening and i'm not a parent i don't know how to deal with this well in the in the end, I bought three. And also to placate her, I ended up buying myself a Lego one because she didn't think it was fair if I came into the shop and bought a magazine that didn't. So there is currently a nine-pound unopened Lego toy magazine downstairs.

Yes, please. I'll take that. So get on the train. That actually goes relatively smoothly, the train journey. There's no one else in first class, so she uses my phone for a little bit, watches some stuff on YouTube, goes through the magazine. I'm having to answer a lot of questions as part of these magazines, little kind of like Q&As, a lot of animal facts,

a lot of stuff that it really exposed the lack of knowledge that I have at a seven-year-old entry level in terms of you know the animal kingdom and yeah multiple choice questions about various animals I think there was a questionnaire of 10 ones I got every single one wrong every single one wrong well it was like um what what does this type of lizard do to scare off its enemies and it was like shoot blood from its eyes pretend it's dead and I actively was like well it obviously was like shoot blood from his eyes pretend it's dead and i actively was like well it obviously doesn't shoot blood from his eyes that's ridiculous and then you go to the answers shoots blood from his eyes and by question seven having got every single one wrong she thought i was taking the piss she thought i was deliberately getting all of these wrong so i just turned it

into a bit like oh yeah silly uncle mike Uncle Mike. He doesn't know anything. I genuinely knew nothing. Of course the answer is choose blood from its eyes because no children's writer is going to come up with that as a multiple choice option unless it's correct. Surely that's too bleak, right? Well, I went the other way and thought it's so bleak that they wouldn't have included it as a fact.

No, in hindsight, you're right. Anyway, we get to London. Sorry, Michael, can I stop you? It sounds like this is trauma. You sound like PTSD. I mean, I've had better 48 hours in my life, yeah. So you've got... I've also, prior to this, spent the last two days with her.

One of those days was a children's party. So in terms of my social battery with children, that had tapped out a long time ago hey we get to london getting a black can i just ask something sorry yeah like me and rob at what point did you think well at least it's podcast content uh i'd say at this point i hadn't because you're a good man you're a good man like me and rob who would have noted it in our phone notes before you could say um pat lunch which we will get onto outside of that message to you guys i was just in survival mode like i'm not i'm not match fit i don't have the muscle

memory for any of this yeah i normally ride in three hours on the call uncle i engage i'm present we have fun they draw on me i play do some silly voices and then i'm gone i'm out again i've heard you don't voice in my life do a silly voice now absolutely not come on do you want any silly voices fun uncle mike come on absolutely not come on let not come on don't see the rabbit

so we get Black Pan from Waterloo to East London which is you know it's fun it's an adventure

by this point she's saying she's hungry again I don't know whether she is or not when did she last eat well i probably about 6 6 30 i wasn't there because i was making my way back i think at this stage at this stage you got just got to shove food down them if they want it right well i just i didn't

have anything in the car so all i had on me was water so i just thought i'd drink some of this water so she without me even noticing i'd say next three quarters of a bottle of mineral water and then i have to take it off i'm like whoa i think you know i know enough about children to know that's probably too much water yeah they need to piss immediately yeah well we'll come to that so you in so what car are you in so we're in a black cab all right so we get to my house she's really excited to like see us see the place she's not been here before lineman's really exciting i sort of show her around show her where she's going to be staying you very quickly realize when there is a small child in your house how ill-equipped it is

there wasn't a single room where there weren't at least how many sexual images there are on the wall How many sexual images there are on the wall? Like a mechanic's toilet. What's Front Magazine? Well, a little publication. Maxim. What was that? There isn't a room that's sort of suitable for a child to stay in,

let alone play in, but also to sort of go, well, you're going to sleep in here overnight. I have no idea what a seven-year-old gets up to at night, what things, draws they go through. So do you have a spare room? Well, the only sort of spare room we have, and I use spare room as a sort of like, it's essentially a kind of walk-in wardrobe type thing.

Fucking hell, mate. We haven't lived here for long. So nothing is a pact. You can so nothing is in the wardrobe well i did it's a big room it was yes you know formerly a bedroom that's been turned but it's also it's also sort of a dumping ground for boxes and bags and everything as we're still kind of unpacking and we're still waiting for furniture to arrive so we don't currently have a bed we've just got a mattress on the floor like it is it is a disaster zone for a small child to come into let alone sleep in so i managed to find a blow-up bed that i had an old camping bed blow that up cobbled together some bedding calm her down enough to go to sleep because obviously she's sort of

giddy on the energy of what's happened yeah she falls asleep by this point I'd say it's gone midnight I'm also exhausted I wind down about an hour later now she's on the ground floor we're on the floor above about one o'clock just after one o'clock I'd started to drift off I'm sort of in that state where you're asleep starting to kind of dream

but not quite so you can sense what's going on I've forgotten that there's a child in the house by this point because I'm just going to sleep now. This is just my normal Sunday routine. And I hear like like little pitter patter of footsteps

come up the steps. And I don't quite wake up but I'm like slightly freaked out by it. The door pushes open and I can just, leaning over me, whispering, I can hear someone saying,

come with me no what come with me and i haven't quite woken up so i'm like starting to freak out half asleep and i'm like what and she's like come with me eventually i wake up and i look up and she stood over me. I'm like, oh, what's happened? You're okay? You're okay? And she's like, come with me. And I'm like, what's wrong?

Tell me. And she just won't tell me. She's like, come with me. So she leads me by her hand downstairs. And bless her, because she's been pumped full of more water than she probably drinks in a day, she's gone straight to sleep and she's just wet the bed. Yeah, because she doesn't know where the toilet is. She doesn't know where the toilet is. She's in a strange place. There's just wet the bed. Yeah, because she doesn't know where the toilet is. She doesn't know where the toilet is.

She's in a strange place. She's also just too much water in her. So we deal with that. We strip the bed. Also, she was killed in Victorian times. That was the other reason why she... Now, I've changed the bed linen. She's been sent to me in a rush.

There is no change of, like, nightwear. There's no change of bedding. Give her one of your retro football T-shirts, Michael. An old sam doria shirt from the 90s to wear in bed there is no way i'm letting a small child piss on that so i'm now sort of cobbling together this mad like outfit and bedding and what i found was like my biggest beach towel was like layer one and then a slightly smaller beach towel and as i sort of put her back to bed and closed the door and said good night i just sort of looked at this really bleak sort of like world war ii refugee child vibe vignette that's been created god luckily she then slept through the night got her up the next morning well i say got her up the next morning she woke me up the

next morning and i said to her because i know she's notoriously an early riser i said let's really late like please if you wake up in the morning can you just just wait a bit longer before you come and wake up i've not tried that actually i should give that a go how did it work out well i'd say about 10 past five in the morning. There's a little knock on the door. Oh, no. Well, it is a strange place as well for her, isn't it? Yeah.

And she's so sweet. She's like, Uncle Mike, Uncle Mike, I'm awake. It's still dark. The clocks haven't gone back at this point. So anyway, get up, take her out for breakfast the next morning. Again, not equipped for this. I live in East London. I have never had to consider what is acceptable or appropriate for a small child in terms of like breakfast options no i found a

sort of local cafe around the corner um walked around obviously it's really really busy because it's east london i'm sat at a table with a seven-year-old surrounded by kind of hipsters and young people drinking their coffee uh every single conversation she was owning into completely inappropriate for a seven-year-old so lots of questions about um oh come on what does what does that mean what what are they talking about i'm like oh nothing what's a k-hole and she's very kind of curious and very inquisitive, but kind of also quite sweet and innocent. So again, I'm just like, I don't know what the rules are here.

I don't want to get in trouble from like her mum, her dad. How much do I explain? How much do I not? You know, I could just about busk it if it's Father Christmas or like heaven, I could maybe get away with that. Go on, give me your Uncle Mike, what happens when we die? Well, lots of people believe different things. Some idiots think that they go to heaven.

Legends like me. Legends like me think you rot into the ground and never... An eternity of nothingness. Yeah, and then, you know, shortly after, anyone that ever remembers you existed is gone forever. It's all pointless. Enjoy your scrambling. Yeah, you can deal shortly after, anyone that ever remembers you existed has gone forever. It's all pointless. Enjoy your scramble. Yeah, you can deal with that one.

Fair enough. Eventually, obviously, hand over. When I got back on that train, I would say it is the most exhausted I've been in my entire life. Probably not physically, but the mental exhaustion. The level of responsibility and the inability to just turn off. I think I've been on the fence

for quite some time about whether I did or didn't want kids and 100% I'm never going to have children. Wow. Welcome to the show. I bet you get used to it though, the mental tiredness. You get more confident. Why would you want to get used to that?

Why would you want to get used to that? No, but it's like, no, what I'd say is, it's like any job you start, you know when you're first down a job? You know, even when I worked at Sainsbury's, my head felt like it was going to burst. But then over time, you just get used to it. And before you know it, you're doing it subconsciously.

There you go, Michael. That's a sell for you. selfie no but we've heard about the different levels of competence you know have we spoke about this before no well basically there's four stages of competence where it's um basically you you have unconscious incompetence where you're rubbish at something and you're oblivious about it then you have conscious incompetence which i think is what michael was going through where he was aware that he didn't know what to do but then with any new skill or new challenge i'd say that is the basis of this whole podcast is conscious incompetence isn't it pretty much but then you get to a point where you are consciously competent which is a lot easier but still is tiring because you know what you need to do but it's just hard to remember to do it and then you have unconscious competence where you can just do it without thinking it's like driving's a good example of that your first driving lesson you're like this is fun and then

you realize oh actually i don't know what i'm doing here and then you move up the levels and then when you pass your test you're still gripping the wheel going i know how to drive but i have to concentrate all the time but then after a while you're driving without even thinking it won't surprise you rob that i'm only level three of that okay fair enough the wheel remains gripped i remember when i looked after my brother's kids when i was with a me and my ex-girlfriend and the kids were probably about eight and six and i took them to harrods to have a look around harrods and i turned around and one of them was missing oh my god just wasn't there and that panic and fear like feel fit and she was literally just probably like like, two metres away, but round a corner looking at something else.

And then, like, I rushed round and found her. But that, the adrenaline that floods your body, it's mental. Well, Michael, I'm glad you feel better. I can't wait to play this back to you when you tell us that you're expecting a baby. Yeah, we'll get four episodes out of that. I think we'll have to get one. I'm talking about each bit. Right, well, Josh, you did tease. We'll get four episodes out of that. I think we'll have to be talking about each bit. Right.

Well, Josh, we, you did tease some stuff you wanted to talk about this week. So we need to do that. Got some stuff, but it wasn't that exciting. Was it?

Do you want top not debate to start? So the options are top not debate. Worrying success of Pat lunch. Yeah. Surprise end to play date. And humiliation or something? Or two rice's humiliation. I'd quite like two rice's humiliation first, please.

Okay, that's the only one not about parenting, but we'll go with it. We've had quite a lot of parenting in the first half hour. Yeah, exactly. 20 minutes, depending on how much of his own voice Michael can stomach to hear. So I went to my friend's 40th. Yeah. And there was a... I wasn't drinking so so i was excited that there was also thai food in the pub so i didn't have my dinner because i was like

this is exciting i can have okay got there the pub menu right yeah i ordered before i went into the room i ordered so it was green curry and said, and I'll have a side of rice, side of sticky rice and some spring rolls. Right. Get to the table. No one else is eating. They're just having drinks. Someone's ordered some spring rolls already.

Yeah. Yeah. So the first thing that happens is the person's ordered the spring rolls. They don't want all of them. They say, I'll swap you one of my spring rolls now for one of yours when it comes right the classic situation as i'm eating one of the four spring rolls on the table my spring rolls arrive and the waiter's like oh someone likes

spring rolls okay yeah right fine i can deal with that i'm a little humiliated by the fact i've got eight i look like a man who's ordered eight spring rolls but fine and you're doing some sort of weird trade-off backhander with the table yeah and then my my meal turns up yeah the green curry comes with rice of course it does all curries come with no they don't rob they do in pubs and then they've given me a side of rice side of sticky rice he loves carbs this boy and i'm like surely and he was like oh did you not know it came with rice

I'm like of course I fucking didn't I haven't ordered a side of rice with my curry and rice why is that an option why haven't you flagged that at the bar

I think in their defence in a pub I'm expecting rice with a curry well I said I bet this happens

all the time he says it's never happened before I'm expecting rice with a curry. Well, I said, I bet this happens all the time. He says it's never happened before. I'm on his side. Do you want to know what he then said? I thought, well, he'll probably say, oh, it's a classic misunderstanding. Fair enough. Can I say what I would have said?

Yeah, what? I would have gone, it's all right. I'll just have rice pudding. Oh, nice. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. I wish I'd had that quick thinking.

What did you say? Well, sorry. I thought he was going to say, fine. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. I wish I'd had that quick thinking. What did you say? Well, I thought he was going to say, fine, honest mistake. We'll take it off your bill. He said, do you want me to give you a doggy bag for your second rice? We can't take off the bill. You've ordered it. No, all right, fine. But I don't want a fucking doggy bag for some sticky rice.

When am I going to eat that? True. No one wants to take rice home. No one wants to take rice home. No one wants to take rice home, Rob. Okay, so that was your rice humiliation. That was humiliating. Okay, now top knot? Big debate in our house.

Top knot debate, right. Okay, what's the debate? My son, who's 18 months, 19 months probably by now, his hair's in his eyes. Okay. And Rose has started giving him a top knot in my views exactly rob i just think maybe give him a cut his hair that's do you know what rob you're preaching to the choir or a little clip to the side well yeah that's what they do at

nursery what's the yeah what's the plan i think what's the plan? I think, what's the plan? She'll say stuff like, but he looks really cute. And you can't say, no, he looks like a fucking prick. Because he's your own son. Now, what kind of top knot? Is it probably like Bam Bam Baby, straight up, vertical? Or is it at the back like a Leeds footballer? I'll surely have a photo of this on my phone.

Oh, no, that is a bit at the back. He's a bit Andy footballer. It's, I've surely have a photo of this on my phone. Oh, no, that is a bit at the back. He's a bit Andy Carroll, isn't it? God, he looks like you, Josh. He's one of those babies that looks like me one minute and Rose the next. In that minute, he looks like you chewing on toast. He looks like me with a top knot. Yeah, and I think that's the problem here, isn't it? Rose has just heard me.

She just shouted the top knot's great. Yeah, I'm not against boys having long hair I think that's fine obviously you know I'm a modern man but I think a clip to the side

more than the top knot maybe I just can't because it's so East London it's painful stop whispering just because she can hear

don't panic you're allowed your views no one's wrong no one's right everyone's got an opinion so what's the plan going forward with this well it's a stalemate

right well it's not a stalemate it's not a stalemate he's got one it's a very weird inscription of a stalemate a stalemate that is very telling isn't it It's a very weird inscription of a stale mate. A stale mate. That is very telling, isn't it?

No, I actually agree. If Ramos wants a top knot, you don't. What's the situation? He's got a top knot. You're calling that a stale mate. No, he's not got a top knot. A stale mate would be hair in the eyes. He's gone out with hair in the eyes this morning.

Right. So, he's gone to nursery, which admitted eyes this morning right so um he's gone to nursery which admittedly i took him uh without a top knot but then he can't see where he's going fuck it fuck it i'd rather him trip over than have a top knot yeah but that is very east london isn't it a top knot on a child or a little boy child don't know what to do about it well well i mean i mean the top law is just a sort of entry level drug to the full ponytail yeah yeah this is very keen it's a stalemate though so let me know how it plans out yeah um and we both know it's gonna pan out yeah surprise ending to play date

yes please went on a very successful play date yeah uh my daughter and her new friend from school and who was there parents wise all four all four okay that's very new child at school keen that is very new child at school keen by the second one you're just one parent's going just one parent fucking I dropped off even though I've never met you before

and how so you all got on did you it was lovely yeah very nice do you before. And how, yeah, so how was that? So you all got on, did you? It was lovely. Yeah, very nice. And then, do you want to know how the play date ended? Go on. My son, who was there, who's 18 months. Yeah.

What did he do? Start talking about Bitcoin? No. With 12 putting his hair up in a... He's talking about a new app. But no, he brought Rose out of nowhere. First, he brought me my shoes, then he brought Rose her shoes, then he brought her a coat and then he brought her a bag. He can't even speak properly yet.

He ended the play date. He ended the play date. I don't think that's a successful play date. Well, it is until that moment. Yeah, but that's not... You could go, well, that's a successful date until she slapped me and spat in my food. No, but he wasn't on the play date.

He was just the plus one, wasn't he? It was the daughters. Right, oh, OK, that makes sense. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, so it was the daughters and he was just there. But it all went well apart from that. Well, yeah, exactly, because going forward, he won't have to go when he's older.

No, but it was quite surprising because it showed a level of knowledge of what we needed to leave that I didn't know he possessed. Oh, so, yeah, that he went and got all the stuff. He went and got all of of what we needed to leave that I didn't know he possessed. Oh, so yeah, that he went and got all the stuff. He went and got all of the stuff we needed to leave. He can't even fucking speak properly, Rob. Yeah, he was aware that we'd need our shoes...

Did you want to go at that point? Was you thinking of wrapping it up? No, I was fine. I was fine, if they're listening. Okay, if they're not? I was fine. All right, okay. Yeah, because my daughter was having a great time.

It is, having an 18-month-old on a play date is a fucking write-off, isn't it? Yeah, no, I mean, I think it would be rude of you to take him, personally. Their faces must have dropped. Oh, for fuck's sake, they brought one, that little one. Fucking hell. Okay, that's all of us chatting and hovering. That's none of us sat down having a cup of tea while the old ones play. That's us, all of us, wandering around following this nutter.

With a fucking top knot. Easy to pick him up, though. And what was your last one? Packed lunch success? Yeah, worrying. Why? So, half term. Yes.

She went in for a couple of, like, activity days at the school. One of them was going on a theatre trip. So, they had to pack lunch. Nice. What did she go and see at the theatre? Oh, I don't know. Some play. Hamlet?

Mental load, mate. You're not taking on board the full mental load. Was it the play that goes wrong? I can't remember what it was anyway um the mousetrap anyway

back to the future we can keep naming them yeah lame is so uh Paw Patrol lunchbox didn't arrive okay

in time basically what I ended up having to do was I printed out a load of Paw Patrol pictures and stuck them to some what's that you know

plastic box it's called begins with P what's what would you call well you know an unbranded lunch box a plastic a tupperware box tupperware tupperware box begins with t sorry okay i josh can i tell you something here i love you but i'm lost on this story now yeah no i didn't need the extra detail no so let's go back to basics she's gone on a theater trip and the lunchbox didn't arrive. Anyway, that doesn't matter.

I made her a packed lunch. Yeah. Right. And it was absolutely, she nailed it. We rose did the sandwich. I did the other bit, blah, blah, blah. We made it. What's in it?

Can you tell me what's in it? Yeah. Cucumber sandwich, her favourite. The only one she'll eat. Yeah. Buttered or dry? Buttered. Palm bears. Classic. Classic. Classic. The kid's crisp. No idea. favourite the only one she'll eat yeah buttered or dry buttered palm bears classic classic the kids crisp no idea why uh yogurt yeah apple sure apple juice nice something else i can't remember

and she loved it loved it and now i'm really worried because she doesn't really she's not a huge fan of the school dinners right okay so it's at the moment she's just eating what the school provide because she loves this do they have an option to do packed lunch yes but I don't want to activate the option I'm fucking dreading the thought of her asking

for full time packed lunch and me having to make a packed lunch every morning of every day. No. No, not for you. No, it's not for me. I think it's going to get activated, isn't it? What do I do? If she asks again, do I give her a bad packed lunch?

Well, basically, I think you're going to be at a stalemate, which will involve you doing a packed lunch every day until she's 17. After I've done my son's top knot. You've got to wash and condition your son's shoulder length hair before school every morning and then make a packed lunch as the compromise. Oh, God, my life. I'm so weak.

You're so... The beater in your house. So am I, to be honest. I don't know why I'm trying to give it this absolute old school... Trousers, alpha. Literally whatever Lou says, eventually I will go with. Yeah. Oh, God.

Right, let's do some correspondence, Josh. We've had a couple... We've got a Barack Obama story here, but did we ask... Do hurry up with your correspondence, Rob, because I've got a date with sitting in a cafe for two hours on my own so yeah yeah I wouldn't want that to get shorter for you um did we ask for Barack Obama stories yeah because we're talking about Barack Obama weren't we uh Barack Obama oh yes this is yes Barack Obama this is the Barack Obama Barack Obama story okay so it's a slight boomer story um here we go well i've got one yeah imagine it i just

feel so much better than everyone um i don't really it's just i sort of forgot i had that until someone brought up barack a boomer anyway my nephew met barack when he was in watford playing at the grove what my brother-in-law thought it would be a good idea to walk through the woods and pop up in the golf course to try and catch a glimpse. Oh, right, playing at the Grove, playing golf. So he was over here for like the G8 or something. Yeah, and he was playing golf. And anyway, my nephew, who was about eight, ended up being surrounded by Secret Service personnel

that were in the woods keeping guard. Ollie said he just wanted to say hello. Barack said to him he wasn't allowed to get out of the golf cart for security reasons. What a load of bollocks that is. How's he eating a drive? He's still in the cart, putting. Right, yeah, line it up.

Just slowly, slowly accelerate. I'll put the putter out. However, he did get one of the security people to give him one of his golf balls. Oh, that's nice. Needless to say, that was his show and tell the next day. It's a good one, isn't it? Oh, that's a good one. That's good. It's very good. Oh, right. right so this is a weird look we've had a lot of people

we was talking about pastor parcel at your daughter's birthday yeah and we said we've had a lot of people messaging to say under no circumstances is the birthday boy slash girl allowed to win the prize in pastor parcel terrible party etiquette now i think that's wrong the way i look at it is if the birthday boy or girl always wins then they win once a year essentially because what's the other option pure luck yeah skill like like people holding on to the parcel for longer you don't want that no because the problem is if you look away and you do it properly and you don't cheat it then there is always one prick kid in the circle that's trying to dominate and work out when you're doing it so i just think it's easier if you just

let everyone make sure there's enough layers of sweets so everyone gets an unwrap and then the main prize goes to the birthday boy or girl that's what the way I do it. But if people, I don't know why that's wrong. Do you do pass the parcel? We have done, yeah, but not for ages. But when we have done that, it's a bit of a younger kid game, really. I think when they get a bit older, it gets a bit scrappy, doesn't it? Yeah, the birthday party I went to yesterday, Rob. Yeah.

Because they never end. Was it in the park? No. It was an incredible venue. But it was in it was it was an incredible venue but it was in a sports hall so they had one half of a sports hall

yeah and they had the sports hall had a bouncy castle perfect I'll send you a video of this bouncy castle that is

unbelievable look at the size of that bouncy castle it's like three levels isn't it three sections yeah so I think the sports hall owned that bouncy castle it's like three levels isn't it three sections so I think the sports will own the bouncy castle but anyway

I came in the wrong entrance Rob pardon do you know what there's a reason that we've gone exclusive but because we're a bit naughty lockdown parenting after dark

you came in the wrong entrance did you yeah I did came in the wrong entrance right by that I mean

we ended up on the wrong side of a game of volleyball and had to cross a volleyball court I thought he was implying you ejaculated into an anus

no no I didn't sorry sorry Josh yeah so you went into a volleyball game by accident they had to stop Oh, no. No, I didn't. Sorry. Sorry, Josh. Yeah. And so you went into a volleyball game by accident. They had to stop the volleyball game so that we could get to the child's party.

Oh, no. I mean, that would be annoying, having a kid's party going on when you're trying to play volleyball properly. Yeah, but it was one hell of a bouncy castle. It is. That was very impressive, actually. I've seen a lot in my time, and that was unbelievable. Yeah. Well done to that venue. But in conclusion, I do think that the parent of the child whose birthday it is

has all rights to give that child the victory in the past castle. I think the parent of the child should be in charge of the music. All the guests get to unwrap it once, so make sure you've got enough layers, with a sweet or something in that wrapping, maybe a packet of whatever, and then the main prize goes to the party. Because otherwise, it's not fair, is it? No. Because then if you always do that,

then the party boy or girl always wins and then everyone gets it once a year. Yes. Yes, exactly. Okay, that's what I think anyway. Right, should we do a small business shout out? Yes. Here we go.

Hi, Rob and Josh. My husband started his business, Pit Pat Pat from his living room eight years ago. Born from a love of dogs and his love for electronic engineering, Pit Pat is a dog activity monitor. It is essentially a Fitbit for dogs. And today he launched a dog GPS tracker so you can find your dog if he or she runs off. It's UK made with a brilliant team in cambridge it's waterproof and has the longest battery life of any wearable i don't know what that means but they look there's an exclamation mark so it must be good pit pat's mission is to

keep dogs happy healthy and safe we'd love to give your listeners a 20 discount across all products here we go this is what we're here for guys two and a half years in you guys are getting some discount here we go um so parenting hell 20 all in capitals and it's two zero for the 20 parenting hell 20 it's a great product for yourself or a christmas present for dog lovers find us at pittpat.com so that's a 20 off if you put parenting hell 20 and we're not getting any kickback from this by the way no they if you put parenting hell 20 and we're not getting any kickback from this by the way they're just doing that for you no we're not that's not how we work in small

business so we're not doing that to get like a lot of influencers do that and then they get a kickback we're not doing that thank you for continuing to share all your stories best wishes Christina, Andrew, Sky new baby and Winnie our Westie genuinely I think Lou would want that for Fred

to see how fast he's running and how far he's running because he absolutely belts it. Pit pat. Very good. Now, you said we're not getting kickback on that. I should fully declare on this, this person did stop me on a towpath to ask whether they could have a small business shout out.

Yeah, that's good. That's fair. We should announce that. That's fair. I should be clear on that. And I think if you're willing to stop me on a small business shout-out. Yeah, that's good, that's fair. We should announce that. That's fair, I should be clear on that, and I think, if you're willing to stop me on a towpath, fair enough. I'll read you the first email, which says, My charity is the UK's biggest speech,

specialist speech and language charity for children. We know lots of parents want help with their kids to learn to talk, but aren't sure where to start. And from reading Rob Beckett's book, it seems he too understands how important this is 1.7 million kids are behind in talking and understanding words post-covid speech and language uk is a charity that gives free advice and guidance to families wanting to help their children as well as providing tools and training to schools and putting pressure on politicians to do more for these children. If you're worried about your child or you want to help others,

head to speechandlanguage.org.uk. Speechandlanguage.org.uk. Charity has a free inquiry service, so you can get advice from qualified speech and language therapists about what you can do to help your child. Children who have speech and language challenges are at higher risk of falling behind at school, getting mental health problems and getting into trouble with the law.

So get help today or donate to help others. Speechandlanguage.org.uk. Very good. Very good cause. Get yourself. So basically. Get yourself on a towpath in East London. Help a child to read or find out how fast your dog is.

Up to you. Up to you. I'd say do both not just one yeah and if you're if you want that email in or just approach me near a canal yeah near a canal i'll be there for the next two hours after this rob killing time just waiting i'll speak to you on friday josh look forward to it. It's going to be a good one. Bye. If you're not in the queue and you are waiting, then step to the side.

He got in touch. He said, yeah, sorry, mate. You didn't seem like yourself the other day. You've only met me three times. The self-service checkout. I don't care what you're called. I'm not getting tricked into working here. People at festivals in those stupid jester hats. I glanced at a tampon. £2.69

for a bottle of water. Why is your Wi-Fi code 10 characters long? The press starts guiding you. I don't care if you're watching. Boost cut jeans. What's upset you now? I'm Sean Walsh. And I'm Paul McCaffrey. We are the hosts of What's Upset You Now?

The UK's angriest podcast. And we are back for series five. Booyah! We all love a good moan, don't we? And Sean and I, well, Sean mostly, are two of the best in the absolute business. And every Tuesday and Thursday, we moan about all those little things

that really get our goat. We also have guests. What guests have we had, Sean? We have had Romesh Ranganathan, Rob Beckett, Mark Lamar, Joe Brand, Catherine Ryan, Tom Allen. 15-minute episodes every Tuesday and Thursday. Brand new What's Up Set You Now Series 5.

Out now. Oh, for God's sake. Josh, you fancy going for a beer? Maybe like the 14th of April? Can't do the 14th of April, Rob. How come? We're doing the Parenting Hell Arena Tour at Manchester Arena. Oh, OK. How about the 14th of April, Rob. How come it comes? We're doing the Parenting Hell Arena Tour at Manchester Arena. Oh, okay, yeah.

How about the 19th of April? Oh, no, I can't do that. I'll be doing the Parenting Hell Live Tour in Nottingham. What about the 20th of April? Cardiff Arena. Parenting Hell Live, Cardiff Arena. 21st? 21st of April?

No, I can't do that either. London, 02. 23rd of April? I can do the 22nd. We've got a day off. 23rd of April? I can do the 22nd. We've got a day off. 23rd, yes. Yes, Wembley. What about the 28th of April?

I'm in Birmingham. Do you know what, Rob? Parenting Hell live tour. Yeah, but we'll just have a drink afterwards. Yeah, shall we do that? Yeah, that'd be nice. We need to plug the live tour, by the way. Oh, yeah, yeah.

There's a live tour of Parenting Hell, and I cannot wait. It's genuinely going to be an absolute thrill to do. And do you know what it would make? A perfect Christmas present. Two of those tickets. Oh, great Christmas present. Or Father's Day present

or Mother's Day present. Exactly. See you there.