Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP35: You've Gone To Another Dimension

Episode Date: November 22, 2022

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Eloise, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beck. And can you say Josh Whittakin? Josh Whittakin. Good girl. Oh, that was good.

That's nice. Hi, Josh, Rob and Michael. I've been an avid listener since the beginning. You've got me through homeschooling, lockdown and a change of career. Thankid listener since the beginning you've got me through homeschooling lockdown and a change of career thank you for being so honest and candid

about your lives I think it definitely makes us all feel less like we're battling alone this is my nine year old son Isaac asking his 23 month old cousin Eloise

23 month two call it two he's a massive fan and listens to you every night oh that's nice isn't it he's nine

nine nine he's decided based on that he's not having kids because it's too much hard work oh god i'm just going through all the things i've said a nine-year-old he knows more than i knew when i was nine i'll tell you that um josh are you on fire what is that you got what's going on i didn't realize it'd be so visual i tidied my uh office the other day i found some incense so i thought I'd light it to chill myself out. But it looks like I'm on fire. I like the idea of incense, but I always just feel like some sort of hippie auntie.

I love it. Look, I've also got a candle I forgot. Look at this. It's like lush in your office. It is. It is lush in my office. I'll tell you that for free. I would say, though, from the backdrop, it doesn't look like you've tidied anything it's exactly the same

what isn't tidy there's oh okay there's loads of books on the shelf which is fine but there's crap there's crap on that shelf you don't need that you've just you haven't tied two dogs on the shelf there they're holding they're holding the books on so there's still loads of crap on your speaker thing there's still loads of wires and bags around your guitar. Yeah, that's Rose's Christmas present. Okay. There's something else on the floor next to you by the radiator. Other side.

That's my printer. That's your printer. It looks messier than it did before. And then there's smoke everywhere across the house. I'm on fire. It looks like a Snapchat filter. I don't know why I'm on fire. It looks like a Snapchat filter. I don't know why I'm on fire. I'm turning my video off.

Oh, I'll turn mine off as well. It freaks me out. Okay. Josh, I think we should do a correspondence catch-up special. Yeah. We haven't done it for ages because we've been banging on.

I know. People send us stuff and then we just bang on about ourselves. Exactly. And this stuff, honestly, I've gone through it. I'd say, pound for pound, some of the greatest

correspondents a podcast or television show has ever received. What? I mean, now I've set myself up for a fall here because the first one's

in the defence of the term blow-off. Better than the stuff they got on The Right Stuff. It's The Vine Show now, isn't it? It's The Vine Show, sorry.

The Vine Stuff, sorry. Oh, right, your references need that. You're going to end up, your career, you're going to end up doing stand-up comedy at Butlin's 90s Weekenders. Oh, mate.

Just give me the contract, I'll sign on the fucking dotted line. And it's all like bands from the 90s, and then you turn up and just do observational comedy from the 90s about like Bruce Grobbelaar. Too bloody right. I can't believe I haven't been booked. Tidied the basement yesterday, Rob. Tidied the basement?

What's in there? Not as much as there was, I'll tell you that. Good work, like that. Yeah, thank you. I am a dad after all. Right, hit me with some correspondi. Okay, so you laughed at me for saying blow-offs. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

For farts. So this is just a quick one to clear that up. Lots of defence for me for the term blow-offs. And in brackets here from Michael, although a disproportionate amount seem to be from the South East London area. I'd say that's probably just a description of our listeners, a disproportionate amount from the South East London area.

All that local I was doing at the Blue Water book signing. Oh, my word. You didn't know what was going on. You looked like you'd been kidnapped. Here we go. Hi, guys. This is more global for blow-offs. In regards to the discussion about blow-offs,

I wanted to let you know, when I was a small child in the 80s in New Zealand... Oh. New Zealand, my family exclusively used the term blow-offs. Oh. Probably moved from Lewisham or something to New Zealand. So much so, I honestly thought that the F word was farts until I was around eight.

Because it was completely taboo to use farts. Wow. I thought this was normal for the time period in New Zealand, but my husband finds this bizarre, and his family only use the terms farts. Yeah, of course. I'm astonished it made it to New Zealand. It's just the southeast and New Zealand. That's a kind of weird

spread of blow-offs. You don't get more southeast than New Zealand, really, do you? If you look at a map, you start coming back round again. That's a kind of weird kind of spread of blow-offs. You don't get more South East than New Zealand really, do you? If you look at the map, you start coming back around again. That is true. It starts to become West again.

What is that? Zone 9 by that point? Yeah, there's a couple of fast trains. This is from Kia. Further to this, for a brief time, this is the same lady

from New Zealand. Further to this, for a brief time, when I was in a youth group, the young Christians would use the term lady from New Zealand. Further to this, for a brief time, when I was in a youth group, the young Christians would use the term Windy Pops. Ah, Windy Pops. Now, I've heard the term Windy Pops. Yeah, sure.

Yeah, Windy Pops. Yeah. Who the fuck have I heard say Windy Pops? I can't remember. My daughter would say farts. What about yours? Farts and blow-offs. It's a little combination.

We're not strict. I think I said it before, but my dad used to say, ooh, shit. Who's shit? So my mum was like, no, it's blow-offs. So I think she doubled down on it. Where farts would have been fine. Anything's better than who's shit.

Yeah, who's shit? It's like a football fan would shout, isn't it? Now, this is, has kids ever accidentally hurt you? Oh, yeah. Arthur was talking about Andy Murray breaking his nose from his kid. Yeah.

These are really good, okay? This first one's from Chris. When my daughter was six months old, she poked me in the eye so hard, she split my cornea, ruining my 2020 vision. No. Took four years to heal

because my eye would dry out and the scab rip open every time I woke up. Poor Chris. Oh my God. Oh my word. Oh, the eye,

the eye is a terrible thing to have. Four years to heal. By year three, you're thinking this isn't going to heal, right? So my mum

has had terrible problems with her eyes, detached retinas and stuff and what they do is when they reattach it because of the pressure you have to shouldn't be laughing but you basically put your head in a pillow face down because if you sit upright it puts too much pressure on your head and on your eyes in the pillow no well they're in your head still but how are they getting to your eyes if your face is in a pillow? No, once they've done it. Oh, right, sorry. Sorry.

I was laughing. I didn't understand. The recovery, Josh. Right, okay. Sorry. So they go in, and you lie down normally, but what they say is you're supposed to keep your head down, like in your laps.

My poor mum was hunched over this pillow lap, and then for every hour, you were allowed to pop up for 10 minutes to do so. And it was such a pressure. I felt like I was pit crew. So I was like, you know, my mum would pop her head up, like she's brushing her teeth. I've got her a cup of tea, got her a sandwich.

She smashes it with that and puts her head down. That's amazing. Oh, my mic's gone down. Sorry. I went off mic. Sorry about that. I sat down next to her when the chase was on. I had to talk her through what was happening in the chase.

I suppose how distant they are and stuff like that. Exactly. It was quite fun, actually. It was like you're a kind of one of those people that describes the blind kind of thing. Yes, exactly. Like that. Audio description. So, sorry.

I'm just trying to picture this. Is your mum sat in a normal sitting position, but with her head in a pillow on her own lap? She's bracing for landing. Bracing for landing. So can't she just lie flat face down? Would that not be more comfortable? Potentially, but that's a tough position to be in all day, isn't it? But I think you could mix it up.

I mean, I don't know fully. If anyone's got any experience of detached retinas, maybe the doctor was just winding my mum up for a laugh. How long did she have to do this for? Oh, they kept on getting reattached. She's had a fucking nightmare with them, but she she's better now which is good would you ever get laser eye surgery well i'm tempted because i hate having to wear glasses but i'm just the trouble my mum's had also so this happened she it happened originally in spain and they told her like oh it's

really bad blah blah blah so she flew home to go to the doctors here in the brace position the whole way people shit to themselves oh bless her no i saw her i got my dad had to sort of sort out but she flew back on her own on me at the airport she was so upset bless her took her to moorfields anyway she was in the waiting room i went outside to get a bit of fresh air and a bloke was like can i get a photo mate and i was a bit like no actually because i don't really want a photo of me on the internet the night my mom went blind you know i mean potentially i was like i don't really want to document this like it's a little see it that's what happened though she sat there and the doctor in spain told her i think it was a translation problem that she might go blind or whatever yeah and then so she was sat there and then i'm in a sandwich and there weren't many spaces in the

waiting room i'm right on the other side and she shouted across the room, got a bit of mayonnaise on your chin. I was like, how bad are these eyes? She's still humiliating me. The mayonnaise on your chin, boy. All right, fair enough. I love having glasses. Why? So much range. When you do an innuendo,

you can just put them up and down a bit. The little wiggle of the glasses helps. I love the little wiggle of the glasses. I'd say it's made me 20% funnier in conversation. It's so true, isn't it? Maybe that's why Romesh was doing so well for so long. He had a head start on the glasses. Right, I've got another injury here. Yeah.

Another eye one. God, it's quite eye-heavy, this. One for the accidentally injured by your child. I was sitting next to my daughter, three, while she was turning the pages of a book when i got too close she would turn the page and i got a paper cut on my eyeball oh my god no why are you so close she's now she's now eight and it still hurts to this day oh my god and she's scarred for life physically and mentally reading bedtime stories as an approach of caution.

Good way of getting out of bedtime stories. Sorry. It just brings back me cutting my eye open on a page of Fox's socks. Anna in Harrogate. That is mum to Lydia A and Finbar IV. Finbar. Does your eye bleed if you touch your eye? I imagine so.

Sorry, I might have got stoned on that. Incense. Imagine if you had three eyes. How would it look? Would it look the same, but like, would it be rounder? How would it be? Just imagine. Would you see him 4D?

Who have we got next? We've got another children hurting adults. This has gone down a storm, this one. Hey, guys. Just heard your call out for stories of kids hurting adults and had to share a story i witnessed a few years ago i was working at a nursery at the time in the preschool room and this day we had an activity set up with a big roll of paper over the floor for kids to draw all over you know that sort of thing happy kids drawing fairies and paw patrol, but obviously quite rubbish when there's an almighty scream.

One four-year-old girl had taken a coloured pencil and gone over to my colleague who was laying on her front, drawing with a group of children, and she grabbed the pencil and shoved it up her nose. Oh, no. It was like a horror movie for five minutes. Children screaming, my colleague pissing blood from the nose, whilst this dumb kid looked up. colleague pissing blood from the nose whilst this stunned kid looked on.

Thank God you said from the nose. For a minute I was like, that is an injury. No, from the nose. It's all in the nose. No eyes now. Oh, God. It was all okay in the end and everyone handled the situation like professionals.

All appropriate safeguarding measures and incident protocol, et cetera. Oh, shut up, stiff neck. We know that. No one's checking. No police are listening to this. Your boss ain't listening to this. But obviously not a sight you forget.

Not at all, Kieran. That sounds brutal. Here we go. Oh, this is good, Josh. We need your expertise on this, okay? Oh, yeah. What's that, Warren? World Cup fever is upon us, isn't it?

Hi, Rob and Josh. My wife and I are long-time listeners to the pod and we are expecting our second kid two weeks today so this is a couple of weeks ago we've had this so the baby should be arriving very similar to my year of birth okay so the baby should have arrived by now in the middle of the world cup baby

this is very exciting Danny in Middlesbrough this is we already have a four year old boy and my leave starts on the 18th of November so I'll be off work for the full tournament with a newborn and a four-year-old. I'm so excited for him. Is this good or bad news?

Because the four-year-old's at school, presumably, or the four-year-old's still in nursery, maybe, but likely not at school. Should be in some sort of nursery because that's when you get, from four, that's when you get the free state run sessions, don't you? Now, while this absolutely wasn't planned, naturally, I now want to make the most of this opportunity

to watch as many games as possible while supporting my missus and not dying from sleep deprivation. I'm glad he said supporting my missus because I felt like he was going to say while supporting our good country, England. That was going to be his... Gareth and the boys.

Basically, what he wants here, Josh, is brainstorm to give him Some survival tips And advice We may have Now So I had a one month old

You had a one month old During the Euros During the Euros Okay The good news First Is Games that don't matter

It's much better for Yes Because The first month Of having a child Is Essentially watching Lots of daytime TV.

And what is the World Cup, if not the best daytime TV there is? Oh my God. This is like a rousing speech. Come on, keep going. Like Michael Sheen. Talk to all the dads out there, new dads about why it's so good

for the World Cup to be on with a newborn. So let's go through the World Cup fixtures. You will be fine on Tuesday, the 22nd of november at 1 p.m you'll be able to watch denmark v tunisia guilt free the big one the big one and then at 4 p.m mexico v poland guilt free that's fine i'd suggest maybe going for a walk with the baby in the pram to get it to sleep in between games. In between games, exactly. And let's be honest, these aren't games you need to watch so intently, so you can still be making toast, you know,

filling up the large bottle of water that your wife needs because she's breastfeeding, all of these kind of things. Oh, can I suggest something? Can I suggest something, Josh? Right, so two things from my point of view like functional things one download the games you can go to the world cup and click add to i calendar or google calendar oh yeah i've got them all lined up so now 22nd november i can see argentina saudi arabia 10 a.m kickoff tunisia denmark one o'clock mexico poland four o'clock france australia seven o'clock so exactly you can if if you do this now, you can, I'd say plan ahead, have it in your phone.

And on top of that, either for your iPad, laptop or phone, get some sort of device that clips it to the buggy. So you can walk around the park, watching the game and, and try and get some sort of data package. Also at night.

Yeah. There's this podcast obviously, but we're not daily. There's foot, there's daily football podcast to get you through the night because it's the World Cup. Now, the negatives. Okay. The negatives. At the moment, I've never felt more positive and never felt more like an expert.

This is our zone. This is our world, Josh. Exactly. Should I just say on that calendar thing, if you do work as a freelancer like me and Rob, and you haven't had the England games plotted in your diary with all the options for the second round quarter final and semi-final plotted in your diary for at least six months while you're booking stuff in you deserve to miss out you deserve to miss out because it was there the information has been there for you do not be surprised that england are in the quarter finals and then you go oh god

but i'm working this day your Your fucking problem, your fault. Plan ahead. Don't be a dickhead. This is on you now. Don't start blaming the world about, oh, it's all going against me. No. Take it on the chin. Take the responsibility and own your own diary.

Isn't that right, Josh? Exactly. I'm totally in agreement. Now, the bad news. Oh, no. Evening games are tricky. It's about four-year-old bedtime. He's got a four-year-old as well, Josh.

This is tough. Yes. The 7 p.m. games are write-offs for you. I'm going to be honest with you. The chances of you watching USA v Wales are very small indeed. The chances of you watching Belgium v Canada are distant. I am sorry about that. Brazil, Serbia, no chance.

No chance on Brazil-Serbia. Argentina-Mexico, what a game that's going to be. No chance, seven. No chance, mate. Spain-Germany, gutted. You're fucked. You've got a new ball. Life's over.

So, there's pluses and negatives. Let's move on to... Is he English? Do we know where he's from? Is he English? Middlesbrough. Middlesbrough, so he's English. Pres negatives. Let's move on to... Is he English? Do we know where he's from? Is he English? Middlesbrough. Middlesbrough. So, he's English.

Yeah. Presume. England games are tough. That first one's at 1pm. You're probably going to be watching that while holding a baby. I reckon, this is my advice, Josh, just say to your partner, look, I would love to go to the pub and watch those games. Yeah.

Give me three, four hours for those days and then a bit of a lie in the morning if possible then I will swap that for you to have that and you don't have to go and watch

you know Serbia Brazil but go out with your friends you know do a proper shift and go look I would love to go and watch these games

and then so over the month you pick out your free days I'll pick out my free days and let's have some our own time and enjoy ourselves and if you're going to

make a trade off here's a good idea if you're going to if you're in a couple and one of you likes football and the other doesn't and you want to watch the England games show you're willing to compromise by sacrificing some of those pointless early group games look you don't need to watch England Iran you don't need to watch England be Iran go I'm happy not to watch England v Iran and then come the semi-finals that will pay out big style exactly I gave up on in the Euro no the World Cup before I had the baby because we had a little one for the World Cup in Russia I missed out on England Sweden watch that at home because I sort of knew we were going through but then for the big ones I'm there for Colombia exactly exactly I think that was actually very good. Public service. What we did there.

That's great. That felt like a live thread. You know, World Cup with a newborn, here's a thread. Those wankers. I don't mind it in a sort of chat on a podcast,

but you go, World Cup with a newborn, here's the thread. Why don't you fucking shove your friend up your arse? Even if it's really good advice, I'm like, why don't you fuck off

with your thread, mate? Shoot, thread. I don't know why I'm like, why don't you fuck off with your thread, mate? Shoot, thread. I don't know why I'm sitting proportionately. Imagine sitting, writing a thread. Oh, piss off. Get a blog, you loser. And you're writing it out all beforehand, and then you're working out where you're going to split it, tweet-wise. Grow up.

Just put it all out in one go on Instagram or something. Here's a thread. Oh, hopefully loads of people will retweet it and like it. You're pathetic. I like to go down a thread and watch the retweets getting smaller and smaller as you get further in the thread. That must kill those thread makers. The threader stairs.

Oh, that's a good one, isn't it? Oh, that is nice. I was trying to do one about Fred the footballer, but because he's just called Fred, there's nothing to go. Fred, Fred. isn't it oh that is nice i was trying to do one about fred the footballer but because he's just called fred there's nothing to go fred fred right i've got a really long story here josh but it's a good one do you want it yes it's it's like a true crime documentary okay good for the first four seconds i'll be silent because i've worked out how to mute my mic so that i can take a drink of water. Okay, cool. Yeah, please do that, because everyone hates the slurpy slag.

Here we go. Long story, but a mad scenario. Hi, Rob and Josh. Done it. I'm a bit... Well, that is... I tell you what, mate, you are getting slick. I have to identify when I'm definitely not going to laugh.

When you're not going to... Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Identify when... I think we can take it as read that any correspondent starts off with a little bit of business. Yeah, okay. You're not getting... So as soon as I say, off with a little bit of business. Yeah, OK.

You're not getting that. So as soon as I say hi, Rob and Josh, you start slurping. OK, cool. Thank you. Nothing funny is going to happen in the first paragraph. I guarantee you. That's the main thing. OK.

Hi, Rob and Josh. I'm a bit out of sync, but listening to your pods about kids starting school recently reminded me of something that happened when my youngest daughter started school nursery eight years ago we had gone for the traditional clark shoes 40 quid a pop even then and all was going well in the first week until the wednesday when i went to collector the staff had not been able to find one of her shoes so they put her in wellies to get home expecting the other one to turn up the next day the next day the staff jubilantly held up the matching shoe they had found except except that when we looked at it, although it was the same style,

it was a good inch longer than my daughter's tiny one. The staff said they would ask all the other parents with kids with the same style shoes and ask if someone had taken home our shoe by mistake. And they seemed confident they could sort it out. On a Friday morning, they were a bit cagey when I asked how they got on. I said they were still working on it,

but they couldn't say any more. After school, they finally told me they'd worked out what happened. The other parent had got home from school on Wednesday with two very different-sized shoes. Instead of assuming there'd been a mix-up at school, at least six of the kids had the same style of shoe, they had convinced themselves that clerks had sold them shoes of different sizes. Oh, no. Oh, no.

This is despite their child having worn the shoes with no problems for the first two days of the week and that the shoes were so different in size it was visible from space. They had apparently gone back to Clark's on Wednesday evening and got them to swap our tiny one for a larger

one that matched their kid's size. The nursery staff were very apologetic but said they had discussed with the head and decided they couldn't tell me who the other parent was although they had explained everything to the other parent and told them who I was. They said they hoped the parent would make themselves known to me

and then we could go into Clark's together and explain what had happened. Either because they were too embarrassed or just sociopaths, the parents did not make themselves known to me. Oh, come on now. I kept nagging the school to tell me who they were too embarrassed or just sociopaths. Oh, no. The parents did not make themselves known to me. Oh, come on now. I kept nagging the school to tell me who they were as we were 40 quid down at this point.

Another couple of weeks passed. We bought some cheap Asda shoes to be going on with, but nobody confessed. Eventually, the school decided they could tell me who the other parent was. Oh. As they could see how unfair it was. But by this point, it's awkward, isn't it, by this point?

Well, that's what the lady says here. I decided I didn't want to know, as we were all getting to know each other as a group of parents, and we were getting on really well, and we were looking at another eight years of being in a small school together. Oh, my word. Oh, my word. I didn't want the fight.

They obviously didn't want to confess and too much time had passed for it not to be awkward i declined the offer but put it down to experience and never did find out who it was oh wow eight years on and our daughters are probably at the same high school and still friends we probably know the parent or parents as well maybe if they listen to the pod they could use this as a confessional yes so if you're out there and you swapped a shoe eight years ago it's time to confess or if they don't want to confess mary from manchester says they could anonymously deliver a bottle of posh gin to my door they know who they are and they know they need to do the right thing.

Mary from Manchester. The best thing would be to deliver the right size shoe that now obviously doesn't fit anymore. Gin in a shoe. Gin in a shoe. Bottom of gin in a shoe. Mary from Manchester.

Originally Plymouth. Veteran of the 1984 Green Army Glory Day in the FA Cup semi-final against Watford. Did you beat Watford at Villa Park? No, we lost 1-0, but then we got to the FA Cup semi-final and we're in what is now League One. Yeah, I wouldn't say that's the Glory Day.

I'd say the quarterfinal was the Glory Day. Yeah. Very true indeed. The Glory Day of the 1-0 defeat. Come on, the Green Army. The best bit about Euro 96 was that game we lost to Germany, wasn't it? Oh, yeah. Oh, the Glory Day of when i got poked up the nose by a kid at my nursery that glory day

oh that's a good story isn't it that's a long one do you know what i'd do in that situation rob i wouldn't have taken the name but i would be telling that anecdote to other parents to see if they flinched so it'd be like here's a funny thing that happened a few years ago. And then you tell the story, acting as if you know it isn't them, because it probably isn't them. But at some point, a parent might go,

all right, hands up, it was me. I think there'll be people that may know, Mary in Manchester, who's a Plymouth fan, was there for the glory day. Someone at that school know, that's what's so exciting about true crime is somebody knows. Somebody knows.

Somebody knows the truth. And it's about time they confessed. No one's going to be troubled. Just a bottle of gin on Mary's door. Mary, let us know if that gin comes. The most exciting will be if she just gets a bottle of gin on her door. That's the best way out of this for everyone. A bottle of gin saying I'm too embarrassed to say my name. Sorry. Yeah. And a bottle of gin on her door. That's the best way out of this for everyone. A bottle of gin saying I'm too embarrassed to say my name.

Sorry. Yeah. And a bottle of gin. Because time's passed. Or just 40 quid in an envelope. I hope they know Mary's address. Or put it in the kid's bag. Not the bottle of gin, but maybe a note.

I wonder if the kids know. I wonder if the kid would remember or would the kid have been too small to remember? I think they forget that kind of stuff, don't they? Yeah, yeah. It's not that memorable. I don't think we should start investigating. I don't think we should take the kids in for questioning.

No, no, no. That'd be a great podcast episode. We'd pop up to Manchester, interview kids about the shoe. Do you know what? That'd be a good idea until we spoke to one kid who went, don't know what you're talking about, and then we're like, yeah, should we just go back home? And we're like, oh my God,

we spent 400 quid on train tickets. It's so expensive. Right. Right. Do you want some more correspondence? Yes. This is, I'm enjoying this.

It's good, isn't it? Oh, I'd muted to slurp, Rob. Oh, exactly. But I hadn't started.

I told you, when I do the hype, look, there, look. Hi, dudes. Listening to your podcast tip,

slurp, slurp, slurp. In beautiful Vancouver, Canada, slurp, slurp, slurp. I wanted to share a parenting tip that was acceptable, Slurp, slurp, slurp. In beautiful Vancouver, Canada. Slurp, slurp, slurp. I wanted to share a parenting tip that was acceptable. Slurp, slurp, slurp.

In the 70s, according to my parents. There's never a laugh in the first paragraph, Josh. No, no. So, this is Sherry. She's talking about boomer parenting in Vancouver, Canada in the 70s. My brother and sister and I were busy fighting in the back of our car when we went out for a trip to the beach. I sort of forget there's beaches in Canada. I just think it's cold and mooses yeah i don't

picture it as beachy yeah the mountain looked like it'd be too hot on a beach i mean i suppose any country that has got coast has got beaches i'm about i'm sure it hasn't but someone's gonna i feel like i'm about to get buzzed on qi when i say that but like um anyway they're on the way to the beach. My fed up dad who was driving stopped the car and told us we had run out of petrol

and we were to push the car. So he got us out, took us to the back of the car and told to push it. He got back in the car with my mum and sat and had a smoke while we pushed.

After a while, he magically started the car and we climbed back in. All tired out and no energy left to fight with, we all fell asleep in the back of the car. Now that's clever's clever parenting eh cheers and thanks for the laughs you guys are

doing a fantastic job what so he basically they were annoying him i quite i actually respect this yeah they were annoying him so he got them to push the car i think they're old they're not like a two-year-old they're like teenagers so they'd shut up and stop annoying and be tied out and then he just went yep started now they were all quiet. Amazing. That is good. That is good. That is good parenting. Also, when he said had a smoke, do they mean just a cigarette?

Because I'd say the phrase had a smoke sounds like he's getting high. In my head, he's lit up a joint. Yeah, in my head too. It's just that little joint on the way to the beach. No wonder they've fallen asleep. They're basically hotboxing in that car. It's like you and your incense. It's like me at the moment.

Hey, man, what about that eyeball thing? Should we go back on that chat? If you could be one vegetable for the rest of your life, what would you be? Me, broccoli. You? Sweet corn. Sweet corn. That's what you were actually asking.

I didn't know whether he was done. Sweet corn on the corn or just ripped apart? On the cob. On the cob. It feels like being on the terraces. Although it's the worst way to be eaten, wouldn't it? Because you're like basically savage. Your skin's savage.

Anyway, let's move on because I'm not stuck. I need to get some of that incense, mate. You're like Bill Hicks. You've gone to another dimension. Here we go. This is a parenting fail. I like this one. Hi, Rob and Josh.

I need to tell you about my soon-to-be mother-in-law and her questionable parenting skills. This is bold, isn't it? Someone having a dig before they're even married. This is Emma. She says, when my fiancé and I got together, he told me he was allergic to nuts. He had an allergic reaction when he was a child

and hasn't eaten one since. After about four months of dating, we went to a chocolate shop in our local shopping centre. My fiancé bought a Toblerone and said he really liked them. As we were driving, he decided to crack open the Toblerone and started eating it. He was eating it quite happily and nothing happened. Eventually, I grew some balls and asked him

if he could check the ingredients. To his shock and surprise, it had almonds in it. Yeah. Very confused and panicky, he called his mum to ask what the signs of a reaction were and what he should do. Should he go to hospital? What shall I do? What should I look out for? His mum went silent and said

you don't need to panic son. All confused. He asked her why. His mum responded I didn't want to share my Ferrero Rochers when you were a kid. What? She said to him he was allergic to peanuts. That is unbelievable. Because she didn't want to share her

Ferrero Rochers. That is incredible. That is. Wow. Wow. I didn't understand to share her Ferrara Rochette. Oh, my God, that is incredible. That is... Wow. Wow. I didn't understand what was going on then, but now I absolutely... That is... So she just lied.

Fair play, fair play. He still hasn't forgiven her. They are a very, very nice chocolate. And they're not cheap. No. The ambassador's spoiling you, isn't he? The ambassador's really, really, really going for it. Oh, dear.

Right, we've got a couple more. Okay, these are great. I'm really enjoying this. I feel free. This is a lovely episode, isn't it? It's really nice. Hi, Rob and Josh. A quick one on your theme of,

if my therapist could see me now. This is where you sort of have a strange reaction to news that isn't really about the news, and it sort of makes you realise maybe there's a few issues I need sorting out. Also, if you do have anything you want to contribute to these items of when you've been hurt by a kid, the therapist one or boomer parenting, parenting fails, email them in because we do do these every now and again, these sort of correspondence episodes as well

as the odds and sods in normal episodes. This is a good one. For if my therapist could see me now. This is from Karen, whose kids are in their 30s and are still joyful hard work. Oh, God. I'm not that old. We're from Middlesbrough originally. We started early.

Fair enough. Fair enough. Here we go. So this is Karen's story of when a therapist should have seen her. Yeah. Was picked up by my husband some years ago when things were getting tough at work, et cetera, with life. And I was a bit overworked and a bit tired. He casually mentioned Andy Williams had died,

at which point I burst into uncontrollable sobs. No offense to Andy Williams, but that is. Yeah. Yeah, rest in peace, Williams. And I stayed that way for hours on the drive back home while he kept looking at me very, very worried as I was constantly crying. Wow. He said, I didn't even know you liked andy williams i'm so sorry shall i play something by him what's your favorite song

at this point i realized i couldn't name one andy williams song with a gun to my head it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Is that one of them? It'd be a weird one to play, wouldn't it? And I'm very sorry he's died, but I have no feeling about him one way or the other. Of course not. Which made me think, maybe it's not about Andy Williams. That is incredible. That's great, isn't it?

Yeah. Really good stuff. Do you ever have an emotional reaction to a celebrity you've never met dying? Like, does it... No, but no one's sort of died that that's... That's meant something to you in your childhood? No, I think that happens when you're about 50. Yeah.

That happens because everyone's in their 70s and 80s. When you was a teenager, like when they were breaking it down. Yeah. My dad said when Charlie Watts from the Rolling Stones died a few years ago, he felt really like, fuck, breaking it down. Yeah, my dad said when Charlie Watts from the Rolling Stones died a few years ago, he felt really like, fuck, like... Yeah, and so a lot of people like Bowie really upset them because they're really into Bowie, but not yet.

But I think, imagine, like, people that really, like the Gallagher brothers and then, like, sort of Billy Connolly, people like that. Yeah. Really might make me, but I don't know. I don't know if I will. Yeah.

Andy Williams, did that hit you hard? No, I'm still not sure who he is. I thought we played for Nottingham Forest. Josh, do you fancy going for a beer? Maybe like the 14th of April? Can't do the 14th of April, Rob. How come? We're doing the Parenting Hell Arena Tour

at Manchester Arena. Oh, okay. How about the 19th of April? Oh, no, I can't do that. I'll be doing the Parenting Hell Live Tour in Nottingham. How about the 19th of April? Oh, no, I can't do that. I'll be doing the Parenting Hell live tour in Nottingham. What about the 20th of April? Cardiff Arena. Parenting Hell live, Cardiff Arena.

21st? 21st of April? No, I can't do that either. London, O2. 23rd of April? I can do the 22nd. We've got a day off. 23rd, yes, yes, Wembley.

What about the 28th of April? I'm in Birmingham. Do you know what, Rob? Parenting Hell live tour. Yeah, but we'll just have a drink afterwards. Yeah, should we do that? Yeah, that'd be nice. We need to plug the live tour, by the way. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's a live tour of Parenting Hell and I cannot wait. It's genuinely going to be an absolute

thrill to do. And do you know what it would make? A perfect Christmas present. Two of those tickets. Oh, great Christmas present. Or Father's Day present or Mother's Day present. Exactly. See you there. Do you want another one?

Yeah, go on. This is for Nana Irene in Braintree. Okay. Hi both. I'm a Nana to Emily Four and Tommy Five Mumps and Mum to Glenn and Leanne. Absolutely love the podcast

from day one of Full. I must tell you about just one of the embarrassing episodes we've had. he was two he was sitting at a crossroads in his buggy i was pushing the buggy i started talking to an old man next to me whilst waiting for the green man the green man started flashing so i started pushing the buggy to the middle of the road at the same time the old man stumbled forward and fell over crashing to the ground hitting his arm and his head. Others rushed over to help him up.

It wasn't until I reached the other side, I realised Glenn was clinging onto his walking stick. So this old bloke fell to the ground, turned round and Glenn still holding the stick. Oh my God, that is so good. That's so good. That would be instantly felt sick. Top tip, don't stand the bugging too close to others at crossings. Nana Irene in Braintree.

Good tip, Nana Irene. Good point. Oh, that was lovely. I love the fact that Nan's emailing. Yeah. Fucking great. The thing is, Nan's are a lot younger and cooler now than they were when they were little. When I was little, it felt like if anyone got to 60, they automatically wore shit clothes and sat down.

Yeah. What clothes are we going to wear when we're in our 60s? Are we still going to dress like we dress now? Or do we start to dress older? Or did old people always dress like old people dress now when they were younger? Sorry, am I stoned? That's a riddle. Sorry, but do you know what I mean?

She sells seashells on the seashore, right? Are you going to start to dress older? I'm in a real crossroads of fashion at the moment are you i don't know who i am or what i wear anymore i remember someone told me that john bishop said and he's a well-dressed man that no one should wear trainers after 40 i'm 39 rob well i don't want to go for a run in a pair of brogues no no fair enough i mean just like day to day yeah but i can't be wearing shoes day to day. No, but I think that's bad.

That's why old people have got terrible posture. You need trainers to help with your... That's when you need them more. So you're going to be dressed in a pair of Yeezys at 17? Well, no, that's a bad example, but you're going to be dressed in a pair of Yeezys. No, never before, but more recently I've been getting into them. Maybe there's a market for a nice pair of shoes

that have the cushioning sole that still look smart. Because what I find is you either got running shoes that make them look awful. You see people in the commute with a lovely suit and a terrible pair of running shoes. And most running shoes that are really comfortable look mental. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Like the Jerry Seinfeld style. Awful. But they're so good for your posture so good for your your knees and your joints and as you get older you need to look after them but the other option is like basically some sort of like victorian bit of wood that you're clunking about what shoes are not when are people going to admit shoes aren't comfortable fucking hate wearing shoes it's it's rubbish i'd go barefoot if I could.

If I was warm enough. All right, Dan the Vickers. Do you know what happened to me when I had a newborn? Because I was in the flat. We was in a little flat that had really hard flooring, like wooden floors. And because you're indoors all day, but you don't stop moving because you're running from room to room,

doing stuff, tidying up, washing the baby, sometimes walking around holding the baby. I was walking around so much. I started getting that plantar fasciitis thing because I was just walking. That's when the sole of your foot gets really sore when you're walking without support or you're walking barefoot loads and stuff like that.

So sometimes you get it on holiday if you're just doing flip-flops all the time. But then I put a pair of, what I do is if I've got a lot of stuff to do in the house, I put a pair of, like, soft cushioning, like, running shoes on. You get so much more done.

You feel like you're pumped, ready to go. Because barefoot, you sort of slap about. But I'm feeling like, let's go. I'm, like, bouncing around up the stairs

with my little bouncy shoes. Oh, God. I'm, like, kick-chogging. I hate running shoes. If I'm not running, I'll tell you what happened to me once, Rob. Go on.

I had a meeting in town yeah and i went to the gym first went in my gym kit and my pe kit and then went to get changed and i'd forgotten my normal trainers oh no so what did you wear i had to wear my jerry seinfelds like the big chunky trainers with a pair of jeans. And they're fine with a tracksuit. They're fine with a tracksuit. With a pair of jeans and a shirt, you look like a fucking ballant. I know. This is my fashion crossroads problem. I need to wear...

My posture's terrible. I need to go to... My chiropractors moved to Dubai. They don't live here anymore. So I need to get a chiropractor because my posture's terrible. I'm like a fucking wanking squirrel all hunched over. You're like your mum when she had a retina out. Yeah, I might do retina recovery, they call me.

And so it gets worse if I don't wear sort of comfy shoes. But I'm at a fashion crossroads because those Jerry Seinfeld trainers look fine with a tracksuit, but with jeans and normal clothes, like you're going for meetings. You can't. You can't. Maybe we should invent some shoes. There's a gap in the market.

Adidas are looking for someone. Look, let's face it. We are, this podcast is for tired people and their bodies hurt. Let's try and help them be fashionable and comfy. Comfy shoes that you can wear when they're fashionable. Yeah, because they just don't do them, do they? They don't even need to be fashionable. I just want to wear them without looking like an absolute bellend.

Yes, exactly. So we want a trainer that looks like an... Because I love Adidas Sambas, but it's like walking on a bit of wood. Oh, mate, my converse. I might as well be barefoot. Right, so we need to make us kind of something very simple, very basic shoe that is also comfy. Yeah.

That's the answer yeah we can put a man on the moon but we can't do that well we can we can we've got and i'll tell you what that'll go on a big pile of ideas we won't do yeah all the other shit i've got knocking about right should we do small business shout outs here we go right you got one i've got one yeah hi rob and josh've just launched a new shoe. Oh, yonk. Mate, that incense has powered you up. Absolutely powered me. You're flying.

Full transparency, this is for Underdog Fitness, and it's the guy, my mate Luke, who's trained me in boxing for the last few years as a side hustle. Not just me. He had other clients. But now he's going full-time with his business, Underdog Fitness, that's underdog, little dash thing,

fitness.uk, and on Instagram, at underdog, underscore, fitness, one, nine, one,

two, and he's boxed all his life, and I do one on one sessions with him, so you can book him for that, in the, South East London area, and it's good, because it's really good training,

really good exercise, but it's quite fun. And if you're into boxing, he can sort of talk you through like, this is the move Canelo does. So it's quite interesting if you're a boxing fan. But Lou does it as well. He's got a huge female client list. Boxing can be a bit alpha male-y and a bit toxic.

But I think if you do it on your own, because boxing gyms are intimidating, but it's such good cardio and it's such good fun. And in between, because I sort of do a 45 minute session where you do you punch in have a little break like rounds and you can have a chat and he's really really lovely bloke and uh it's all quite good actually because you sort of talk about life as well as it's sort of like half therapy half boxing but I absolutely love it it's got my fitness really good um it's just my diet that's let me down boxing is the most knackering thing you can do and the knackering bit is staying on your toes. I know it's great for cardio and also for blokes

right man boobs are the main problem I think for men at a certain age that it sorts all your arms your back your shoulders and your tits out do you know what I mean and then the cardio works on the little beer belly but yeah so Luke is absolutely brilliant and he does one-on-one personal training which is what I do, which is brilliant. But you can also offer strength and conditioning and nutritional advice, which I haven't done yet because I haven't had time. And he also does ladies' classes. I haven't had time, Rob.

Come on. Next year. That's the least, that's the quickest bit. And he also does ladies' only classes in Bromley, in Bromley area. And he's going to increase that to men classes soon as well. He does small group training as well. So he can do a whole family and come around.

But yeah, if you go on Instagram and follow at underdog underscore fitness 1912. And he's got a website, Underdog Fitness. You can find it all there. Give him a follow. See what he does. And if you're in the southeast London, Kent, Bromley area, he can come to you. Or you can go to one of his classes lovely bloke and he's trying to start up a new business after lockdown so yep give him a follow and uh go and get fit and rock hard it's

quite good as well because i feel like i could defend myself if someone attacked me now josh hey rob and josh we're lara and tiff and we run brush and bubbles a female-founded small business where we hold painting and prosecco workshops Two very different ends of the spectrum this week. I know, but it's good, isn't it? It is. It's good for everyone. We absolutely love your podcast. Tiff has a newborn and so seeks a lot of comfort from it as a first-time mum. Our goal is to emphasise the importance of creativity

and to make art fun and accessible to everyone with countless benefits it has for mindfulness. We also created art kits and accessible to everyone with countless benefits it has for mindfulness. We also created art kits and posted free online tutorials on YouTube during lockdown to keep everyone happy and creative during this very difficult time. We absolutely love to be part of the Small Business Shoutout as we're trying to spread the joys and benefits of painting

and any help to spread the word is greatly appreciated. Insta, at Brush and Bubbles. Lots of love, tiff and lara there you go lovely stuff good work josh see you on friday see you on friday bye if you are not in the queue and you are waiting then step to the side you got in touch you said yeah sorry mate you didn't seem like yourself the other day you've already met me three times the self-service checkout i don't care what you're called. I'm not getting tricked into working here.

People at festivals in those stupid jester hats. I glanced at a tampon. £2.69 for a bottle of water. Why is your Wi-Fi code 10 characters long? The boss starts guiding you. I don't care if you're watching. Boots. Cut.

Jeans. What's upset you now? I'm Sean Walsh. And I'm Paul McCaffrey. We are the hosts of What's Upset You Now? The UK's angriest podcast. And we are back for Series 5. Booyah!

We all love a good moan, don't we? And Sean and I, well, Sean mostly, are two of the best in the absolute business. And every Tuesday and Thursday, we moan about all those little things that really get our goat we also have guests what guests have we had sean we have had romesh ranganathan rob beckett mark lamar joe brand katherine ryan tom allen 15 minute episodes every tuesday and thursday brand new what's up set you now series five out now oh for god's sake