Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP36: Joe Wilkinson

Episode Date: November 25, 2022

 Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant actor, writer, podcaster and comedian - Joe Wilkinson. Make sure you check out Joe's brilliant podcast 'Chatabix' which he co-hosts with another former guest of this show, David Earl. And their World Cup song 'Cup for the cupboard' Thanks, Rob + Josh. We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Parenting Hell's the best of it now Make it done with it, I'm showing us how I wish the camp would go home now And then off menu Stimplex! Parenting Hell is going on tour

Written a book and lots of things more Keeping the mommies and daddies safe Yeah, do you want to say hi to Rob and Josh? Hi, Rob. Hi, Josh. Thank you for letting us join in your podcast. That was incredible. Absolutely incredible. Join in your podcast. They're better than us. That was incredible. Absolutely incredible. Until you go, that's Sarah who's 27.

That's amazing. Here's a song promoting the best podcast around, sung by my six-year-old Sophia, with a little help from four-year-old brother Matteo. Matteo did an intro for you last year, so Sophia wanted to have a crack at it. My contribution was the lyrics and bashing some notes out on the piano. So, come on, that's very humble.

Thanks for your work. Remember just writing and performing the song they sang to, basically. Yeah. The six-shot can write that. He's very much the bloke in the cause, isn't he, Dan Wilden, there? Dan Wilden, absolutely. I enjoyed that. That was a great intro, wasn't it on it yeah that was very good wasn't it i loved that we should have that we should have that as one of our songs that's played in while people are filing in

during um our live tour oh that's a good idea i don't also i don't but i don't want that to put off people that just have their kid that can't even say your name like worried now yeah no no no no high achievers don't we're not we're not normally looking for high achievers no it's nice it's nice once in a while again to have well they're just sat there happy families playing their fucking songs and singing while i'm at home with my kids snotting on me. But yeah, it's great that you did it. Thanks. Really appreciate it.

Thank you. That was really good. But that's not what we're about. How are you, Josh? So I am. Oh, I did my quiz. Oh, yes. You did the parent teacher associating quiz.

Yes, because you messaged me. You was messaging me about it. I was shitting myself. I was shitting myself. You really was, Josh. I was so nervous that I had to go for a nervous shit. You know that when you're that nervous? Well, I've realised, I've been so busy recently,

I've been having nervous shits for two weeks. Have you? Because then, well, like, leading up to me filming my, I filmed my special in Southend. Oh, yeah. And I realised the day after I did the special that I'd been shitting weird and having normal shits now. Oh, God, yeah.

Stress shits. I mean, that's a good, that I'd been shitting weird and having normal shits now. Oh, God, yeah. Stress shits. I mean, that's an actual reason, whereas I was, like, thinking, this quiz. Oh, my God. I'd written the whole quiz. Suddenly I was in a room full of strangers. I got there. They're all on their tables.

I was terrified, Rob. Yeah, but what did you message me? You said you messaged me at one point. I was about to go on stage at a. No offence, a real gig. Unbelievable. Questions in a pub. You said to me, I cannot wait to discuss how nervous I am on the pod. Honestly, mate, I've got the shits.

Then I replied with a couple of bits. And then I said, oh, you'll be all right. I did say, you're right to be nervous because you aren't really Josh Whittaker off the telly anymore. You're your daughter's father. Oh, my God. At the the gig which I don't think helped that and then you replied ten minutes after I said that

Rob I'm stood in the corner alone everyone else is chatting yeah I was like I was like the you know the end of the Blair Witch Project that was like me just facing

no because I was at the quiz master stall and then everyone else was at their tables and what was I meant to do like walk around did you circulate before yeah network

what like a fucking vicar just say hi like you'd go to go oh hi you had done a bit of circulating hi I'm Josh

yeah but normally the quiz master goes hi I'm Josh I'm doing the quiz I'm so and so's dad yeah I did I did here's the picture round

yeah yeah yeah here's a picture round we need t-notes oh so you did a bit yeah I did a bit yeah yeah yeah and you know i used my phone to like did you make any friends oh i've got mates i've got my i'm not saying you haven't got mad i mean no but i'm not saying you need me you've taken you've taken that in a really weird way i've got my i've said you make any friends

i'm not implying you haven't got mates no i know you've got me wrong to imply i've got mates okay you messaged tom crane every other day every day but yeah but i know you've got friends but did you make new friends there yeah big time how's your week been what you know um no no no i i did it did it went well the quiz went well rob the quiz. Big hit. And PTA love you. They said, could you do it termly? Feels a bit much to me. Didn't I tell you this would happen? I've been reeled in, Rob.

They're hard negotiators, and they're going to go termly, and you're going to go, what about yearly? And then you'll end up doing it three times a year or twice a year. Twice a year. It's going to be twice a year. We both know it's going to be twice a year. I think it's going to be twice a year. Yeah.

Summer or winter quiz. It went well, though. At least in that way, you never have to organize a comedy show oh that's coming that's coming do you reckon yeah you free on november the 27th apps no neither of them okay which year doesn't matter i'm busy okay okay fair enough fair enough i i'm very busy i'm busy being a class rep j Josh. Oh, yeah. Okay. How's that going? Well, I feel like somebody went over my head. Was it Lou?

So we were talking about the homework. I had to email about homework and said, can they put it in the book? Because not everyone's got a printer. I told you about this, didn't I? Yeah. Anyway, they've still sort of put it online. And then we've got, hi, everyone.

Quick update. She said it to me, though, the uh teacher which is the right chain of communication and it's even learned anything from sweller braverman that we have to communicate in the correct way um she said please could you let the parents know that due to some parent feedback i'm now going to put the homework at the top of the page on the the website i, well, where's this feedback? It's not come to me, has it? This should be funneled through me. I should be the rep. Oh, my God.

So there's people going over my head. Yeah. And snitches get stitches. Anyway, so it's going to be at the bottom of the thing. Because basically, as you were scrolling, it'd get lost. So they put it at the top of the page of the website. So you can find it. It's quite boring.

Anyway, also, for the parents that have asked for extra homework, I'm going to add on an extra document or task? What the fuck is going on there? And I don't know what kind of mad fucker is asking for extra homework. Extra homework? I know. We've got enough. There's six.

Come on. But she said, well, basically what she said is she's going to put an extra thing on there that's not compulsory, but if you want to do it with your child you can do it i i don't think you want your child to be too intelligent is my opinion on the matter if we've learned anything from elon musk intelligence he's not a happy bunny he's not a happy but i don't look at elon musk and look at a man that's happy with life and i think there's a right amount of intelligence if you know know too much, life's too hard. Exactly.

Do you know what she should have said? For those that have asked for extra homework, shove it up your fucking ass. How do you know it'll go on? I tell her, why don't you fuck off and stop ruining the weekends of all the other parents? Think about what you're doing. So, yeah, that happened, but it's fine.

I'm a bit disappointed in my fellow parents. Yeah, that's a shame that happened but it's fine but um a bit disappointed in my fellow uh parents yeah that's a shame on my back yes um oh i laughed out loud in my sleep next to lou oh yeah and i remember doing it and it was really loud it was i can't remember it was but i think about basically i was walking along and someone pulled up in a van and it was a comedian but it was sort of like sort of you and it was sort of joe will because it's sort of like all comedians all my comedians i knew it wasn't like one person yeah composite comedian and then they said something and i can't remember what it was but it was really funny and it cracked me up and i laughed in my seat like that kind of laugh like proper laugh and and lou and lou went to me like nudged me like that in the morning she went you laughed

in your seat last night and i went oh, oh, was it? Was that funny? Was it quite sweet? She went, I hated it. Amazing. I went, why? She went, it was fucking weird. It was just weird. That's incredible.

I'd rather listen to someone laugh than snore, wouldn't you? Yeah, that is weird. Why has she had such a reaction to that? Jealousy. Yeah, it is strange, isn't it? Very strange. And the other thing what's happened is so it's odd socks day at the school yeah we had odd socks day but you you got

to put them over the tights so no the shoes don't fit oh there we go that's a problem and my daughter's obsessed with having the socks on the inside out so there's that you know the bump bit is outwards rather than inwards right yeah yeah yeah like that, yeah. Yeah, like the tickly... The tickly. So why do they still make socks with that? Because I don't like that as an adult. I just sort of put up with it because there's not another person that will turn them inside out for me.

Other things, lasagna. My daughter likes lasagna now. Yeah, well, that's good. Because she had it at school. Lou bought her lasagna and she didn't eat any of it because it had too much taste. Oh, no. Oh, no.

So that was good. Went on a play date. I had this moment, Rob. With the kids or just you? Yeah, with my daughter. So it was a play date at one of her new friends' house. Yeah. Yeah.

It was just me and her. And her friend's mum was there with her friend's two siblings. And when I got to the door, it was 2pm on a Saturday, and I kind of got out of the car and I thought, what the fuck have I done here? I've basically invited myself to sit in a stranger's kitchen for three hours with a stranger I've never even met before.

Yeah, that's the hardest bit. We've done that before when they've come over and then you go oh that's great but then as soon as the kids run off and play because they know each other from school you're like you are just sat on a date thing that i've just done organize this like what then it actually worked out very well she was she was great company we had a we had a lovely afternoon i hope so i had a nice afternoon but it does feel like a weird little date doesn't it but it is weird like that yeah talking of dating Rob

my daughter and one of the kids at school yeah they've got a crush on each other and it's weird she's always talking about him and we've been told he's got a crush on her she's always bringing him into conversation and talking about things he does.

And he's like negging her. Like he runs really fast. Oh, really? Yeah. And you're like, they're five. We've got a bit of my daughters, my youngest bit like that, of a boy from preschool.

Yeah. And they always like bump into each other. So when there's events in the local area, we'll go, oh, is he coming in? Because they go to different primary schools. Yeah. I say, do you like your friend? Is he your boyfriend?

And she actually gets angry and runs off. So I don't say it to her anymore but they do get a bit it's weird isn't it when it happens it is weird if yeah oh god i'm not ready for it anyway i don't really need to worry now right this week we are joined by one of my favorite comedians joe wilkinson is the best he's the best. He's brilliant, isn't he? He's incredible. He's so good. Also, I didn't know that he had a stepson until recently. No. No, exactly. I didn't think he had any children.

Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, it's a great one. I love Joe Wilkinson. He's absolutely brilliant. Enjoy. Hello, Joe Wilkinson. You all right? Sorry, I really feel like...

No, I don't want to say that. Well, I really feel like no I want to say that I need well I really feel like I need to belch burp if you need to Joe no I'm not burping on your podcast you're in the bloody

you're one of the biggest podcasts in the country you deserve better I'll do it off mic it's um it's um about parenting so we

we're experts in burping you're right I just broke my radiator fuck you're right just broke my radiator. Fuck. You alright? Just kicked my radiator. Sorry.

Sorry. I'm so sorry. You alright, Joe? Yeah, sorry. I need to belch and I broke my radiator. Really need to belch? Flipping hell. I've never had this before.

Fucking hell, I've got heartburn. I've never had this before at the start of a pub. What have you eaten this morning? I've had a sausage. I've never had this before at the start of a pub. What have you eaten this morning? I've had a sausage. Just at this time? One sausage and a cold sausage that was left over from yesterday. Right, I can't go on. I genuinely can't go on until I've burped. Are we going to go live burping on air?

God, it feels like a dangerous burp. Why don't you get some rennies? You're right. I think I've got heartburn and I need to burp. You've got pins and needles in your arm? I'm at the age where that is a worry. No, I'm fine. Think of the numbers, Josh.

I've done it. If he has a heart attack on air, you're right. That would get you up the charts, wouldn't it? Not that you need it, you pair of bastards. Anyway. Sorry, that's dumb. God, that really scared me a second. You're right.

Yeah, just, I felt like, I've developed heartburn, I think, in the last few weeks. And Joe Lycett sent me a really long message telling me how to sort it. I think it's one of the sweetest messages I've ever had. He gave me a blow-by-blow how to control my heartburn. Well, you need to get that sorted. Anyway, Joe, welcome to the show.

Thank you. A full welcome. Parent in hell. So you've got a stepson, is that right? Yes, I've got a stepson and a stepgranddaughter. Ooh, Grandad Joe. Stepgrandad. Stepgranddad joe yes yes and how old's your step-son uh he's 36 wow and step-granddaughter is eight so this is my question

to you joe you are someone who i'd say is quite... Hot. They overthink everything they do. Thank you. Quite self-critical. Quite self-critical. Yeah? Is that fair? I think that's the fairest thing you've ever said,

and you've said some fair things in your time. So, I can't imagine you turning off your self-criticism and just playing. I do, weirdly. Do you? Is that when you finally let loose? Yeah, the curtains are drawn, obviously. Yeah, it's weird, yeah. I've never really thought about it.

But, yeah, it's just... Is. I've never really thought about it, but yeah, it's just... Is it the real me? I wonder. Is it let loose a part of you? Well, it's sort of playing games and stuff, and it's fun, isn't it? And you go, no... And you can't worry who's watching,

because you can't stop the playing and going, hold on, I'm riddled with insecurities. And where do they come from? Good question. I guess I had very thin arms and I was incredibly self-conscious about those up until the age of, I guess even now. Okay, she's gone.

She's gone. She's gone over to Granny P. That's a good thing with playing with kids, though, isn't it? Because you can just let loose and be silly and no-one can judge you if you're playing with a kid. It's fantastic, yeah. You sort of want to be able to do that with your mates still, even though we're older, but you can't.

I don't want to do that with my mates, Rob. I want to have the relationship I have with my friends as is. I do not want to play a game where we have to first one to the dishwasher. No, I don't want to play that. I don't want to play that with Simon.

David Earl. David, I've got this idea. I'd watch you two do that. I would make sure that never hit youtube never that's a very good question i never thought about that yeah completely let loose it is me at my freest probably is it yeah probably yeah fuck that's Left me cold. Wow, I feel sick.

Do you think of the games or does your step-granddaughter, does she think of them like, and then you pan along? You're just sort of a person to be marched around. Yeah, I am marched around. My other half is sort of like she adores Petra and I'm a plaything. Petra's your other half? Yeah, Petra's my other half, her grandma. She adores her like, you know, not even close to, you know,

I'm like second fiddle beyond that, obviously. But she knows that she has complete and utter control over me like it's like she knows she could she sensed weakness very early on and she she um she abuses that weakness to uh to the full extent so i've been on people on panel shows that were like that i think it's quite easy to talk over joe i think it's quite easy to talk over joe so if joe goes in for a bit that's when you should and this is people's agents if you really want to get some stuff in the best advice i can give you is when they turn to Joe, get in,

because he will crumble. Yeah, so, yeah, I'm weak, basically. So, yeah, I'm running about, basically. But at eight, they do get a bit clever at eight. They go beyond being little kids to quite manipulative in sort of a sweet way. And you found yourself trying to sort of win a winner over i feel like i i feel like the relationship is gonna is fixed now like i'm i'm sort of i've won her over but i'm also like have no control of anything that happens in my does she respect you if you say don't do something

happens in my does she respect you if you say don't do something i can't imagine you telling off a kid well it's like if if if if petra's in sight yeah you know what i mean because she sort of understands i can i can go better i'm gonna need you to stop that yeah because i have no i'd... But I have no authority. I've never... Have you ever had, like, someone work for you? Like, have you had a job? Because have you both just done comedy, really? No, no, no, I've done jobs, but I've always been...

You've been the underling. I've been the underling. I've never got to a position of... I've never been in a position of power. No, I haven't. And I wonder what that's like, because I wonder if it's something that you can learn if you've sort of...

If you have to, if you suddenly start running your own business or something. But I wonder if I could ever be taken seriously. Like, I do genuinely wonder if, like, I'd... If I ran, like, a proper company, I wonder if, like, the factory staff would still just walk past me. Yeah, yeah. Fuck off, mate.

But I think I can have you fired. Yeah, go on, then. But I really want you to like me. So I think I'll just lose money this year. I'll just lose money this year. Well, because we have tour managers. When you have a tour manager, that's sort of someone working for you,

stashed with you. But I find that quite awkward because, like I say, I've never been like that where you sort of tell someone, like, not what to do, but you are going, I want to do this. Like, and you're sort of, I'm sort of paying you to manage my tour

and on this tour, I want to leave tomorrow at 8am. However, that involves you having to get want to leave tomorrow at 8am. However, that involves you having to get up and drive me at 8am. Yeah, that's true. Do you want to do that or not? But actually, I need you to do that because I've got to be in London at that time. So it's awkward. Yeah.

The thing about like agents and stuff like that, they, because we're, because I think I can speak for all three of us. We're cowards, basically. And I imagine you've occasionally gone, I really need to leave at 8.30 for that. So I'll just quickly talk to Jason, whoever your agent is, and go, can you quickly send and just say, I'll need to be gone by 8.30.

Because you don't want the proper... Yeah, you don't want to do it direct. It's pathetic, isn't it? But anyone who's straightforward about things like that, you respect, don't you? If someone comes to you and goes, Rob, I'm going to need you there at 8.30, sorry, because we need to be on the road by nine,

you don't go, who the fuck are you? No, it's fair. You just go, no, fair enough, I've got all the information I need and I will be there at 8.30. Whereas me and you two go, I can't ask someone to be there at 8.30. Whereas me and you two go, I can't ask someone to be there at 8.30. That means I'll have to get up at 8.

I can't be the person who's made them get up at 8. Fuck off, it's your tour. And they'll have no problem with getting up at 8. Yeah, it's all in their own heads, isn't it, I think? Pathetic. Of course it is. Pathetic. I'm going to include you two, you pathetic bastards. Pathetic little boys. See, Joe, this is the real you.

Not the you that's running to the dishwasher. No, God. No, it feels good to be back. Thanks, guys. I needed that. Of the little games you play, what's probably the best and worst ones? Are there games that you go, actually, I don't mind this game. It's quite a fun game.

Or are there ones where you're like, this is shit. Hide and seek fucking starts off as. The idea. There's loads of things in life that start off as a good idea. You know, you think, oh, yeah, there we go. Fucking hell. Hide and seek's a prick, isn't it, really? It's like it's one time is fun.

You go. But it's just that thing with kids, you can't just go, honestly, like once, twice is how many times we should do this. Yeah. And then everyone enjoys it. And does it have to end up with some degree of a sulk and having to get Petra? The sulk from the child. Well, one of us will be sulking but both of us will need petra yeah yeah i just it's just how often it's wanted it's hard to see

is the thing isn't it it's just it's too it's the amount is like i i'm looking forward to the World Cup, but if it was every day, you know what I mean? It loses a bit of fun. Yeah, it's great. It's amazing. The giddiness I get around the World Cup is the fact it's, oh, my God, it's another, it's here after four years. Can you believe it?

And sort of like the reality of the World Cup is there's loads of games you're not interested in you know there's sort of it we might human rights issues yeah exactly god you don't half go on about that rob don't you change the record mate yeah there is that thorny issue. But what's the song about? Do you cover that in a song? Basically, the second verse that they won't put out... LAUGHTER ..is really... Yeah, I think when we wrote it, we hadn't flagged in our minds

that this is the worst World Cup ever to be played. Yes. And we really shouldn't be watching and shouldn't be involved in any way. But apart from that, please do listen to Cup in the Cupboard by David Earl, featuring lyrics from...

Oh God, it sounds so good. So talk me through the process, because I genuinely like the song. Do you? Yeah, I genuinely like that you're doing a World Cup song. Right. I'm glad you do. It's you and David Earl from Chatterbit you did it on your podcast

yeah so we like David thinks and we if anyone like we imagine we're hoping someone goes back and has a listen on our behalf because we can't be arsed but David thinks that I was talking about World Cup songs and suggested a World Cup song.

Well, I don't remember saying that. On the podcast. On Chattervix, yeah. And then he wrote one and sort of sent over the lyrics for me to sing my one line. But this is the bit that always... He sort of gave... He did a version for me to sort of...

He says it wasn't for me, a guide version, which is not what you want. You want to, you know, you want to fly. You want, you want to bring your own heat to the song.

But I had, I had a, basically a handbook that this is how to do it. Yeah. So I did my one line and then it sort of, then we did it. And then, and then we were like, Oh, we should try and promote it.

So we said, look, let's try and promote it. And then a week later, we were suddenly like, oh, sure, I can be asked to promote this. But things had been booked in. So are you suggesting that you're actually, this is, that it was a bad decision and you're here against your will now? Oh, not you guys.

Soccer AM? You know, things like Soccer AM. Did you do Soccer AM? No, doing it tomorrow. I don't know. Saturday,

yeah. Oh Joe, I can't tell you how far away it is. Talk about getting a car at 8am. You'll be dreaming of getting a car at 8am tomorrow morning mate well it's one of those

like if you listen to Chattervix we have a thing where we have a moment where we're really like we're really excited about Doc Martin or something you know yeah and so we'll have like two weeks of being like really into Doc Martin and then we sort of go let's try and get let let's like, like we were talking about like,

there was a chance David could be in Doc Martin because he lives down that way. And like we were speaking to those people in Doc Martin and they were like, well, we could get you like a couple of lines in Doc Martin. And we were like, fucking hell, really? So we were, but obviously things like that take a little while to happen.

Yeah. So you don't like, we don't like that take a little while to happen. Yeah. So you don't like, we don't like, if we're talking about today, it's not, we're not going to be on Doc Martin tomorrow, but like it'll take like two or three months, but we've then moved on from Doc Martin. And so, so someone says, so do you want to be a fisherman? It wants your listeners relief, because if you're on a third month of discussing Doc Martin, you're not.

Joe, can I ask you a question about Sucre AM? Are you going to take the free kicks and the penalties at the end of the game? Yeah. Oh, my God. We were talking about your video with Bellingham. And was it Mount? Oh, yeah. The England team won.

Oh, my God. Amazing. Honestly, Rob. Right. I'm always fascinated. Well, you know, when you meet someone, you know someone, you've never played football with them. Have you ever played the game, will they be any good or shit?

You know, like you can never tell. I would have put a couple of quid on you being fucking pony. And I was like, you can obviously play because you had form when you were hitting those, pinging those free kicks. Yeah, it didn't look like you'd fluked a kick. No, that's what I mean. Because there was one, I don't know the lad who...

Mish. No, there was some other, on another video, and he pinged one in the top corner, but he just didn't have your form. I was like, they've got him on a good day. I thought, Beckett could do that again. He could do that again. That's not a one-off. I was never sort of

fit enough to sort of go to any decent level in football. You weren't box-to-box, were you, Rob? No, I didn't have an engine. I'm not a great runner. That's what let me down. But I was alright at shooting and passing and stuff. Is it mad to say swap Rob for Madison?

Because there's no bigger stage than the World Cup. And if Rob raises his game like that much for a clip on YouTube, imagine how fucking good he's going to be. I'm just saying don't maybe just hold him off for like the last 10 minutes of the semi. If we get to the semis and we get a free kick outside.

I do think though, if every squad had to get a member of the public that's never played professionally, can you imagine if I was on the bench? I'd take all the pressure off of Harry Maguire, Southgate, Kane,

because it would just be like well i don't think you would because if you're slightly better than mcguire i don't know i think you could take a better free kick than mcguire i do on my life well you know what was quite weird about the con because people went a bit mad for it on instagram was it felt a bit like the opposite of being cancelled because people found out something about me that was positive online and then other people in the comments that is not what social media is for i know and then other people in the comments are going um like tony hendrix who used to play on tuesday was going yeah i can confirm he's a player rob and i've seen him score a few beauties i was like

this is the opposite of being cancelled there's people just swapping stories of positive things I've done. I turned the radio on recently, and I can't remember what comedian was talking on, like, Radio 2 or whatever. But they were talking about, you know, the Tuesday football thing that the comedians used to do? And they were talking about who they... They were like, so who's decent? Which comedians are decent?

I was like, I haven't played on a Tuesday for like years. But a bit of me went, I was driving and a pet was there or whatever. And I was like, I don't want to say, but I'm really hoping they say me. I was like, waiting to find out. I don't know if he won a BAFTA or something. This is a lot more important. So Joe, are you going to do the shooting practice and is David

because David Earl always backs himself as a great footballer. I know. He picks it up a lot. So he's got a lot to live up to. He's got a long way to fall, hasn't he? Yeah. Apparently we're doing the thing where it's Sean Dyche is on and it's like if they get the question right he's got a long way to fall hasn't he yeah yeah apparently we're doing the thing where it's Sean Dyche is on

and it's like if they get the question right Pro-Am it's called yeah Pro-Am yeah so we just stand there and if they get the question wrong one of us

he takes off I don't like that bouncing off the net thing so this is what you've got to do they do questions and if the person gets it right the professional gets to do it so Sean Dyche

yeah and if they get it wrong the amateur you and David Earl take turns so one's like penalty one's a free kick

one's a crossbar and crossbar you have to hit the crossbar what are you going to wear footwear wise because the problem is you don't want to look too keen

and wear AstroTurf but if you wear a pair of shoes you can't kick a ball with I'm not wearing AstroTurf because that is like, that is setting up that I'm getting, oh, fucking hell.

I'm just going to say, I cannot wait to watch this tomorrow morning. I'm so excited. What I'm saying is, though, Joe, if you wear something without any grip, you are just going to slip over and you can't kick a ball properly. But I can't wear, I can't go into it with the gear on. Do you know what I mean? I know, but you can't. But you're going to need a type of footwear that you could use.

Isn't it? AstroTurf, I agree, is too much. But you're going to need something that you can kick a ball with. What are you planning on wearing? Obviously, like every night, every day of my life, I've not planned what I'm going to wear ever in my life, Rob. I think what I might do is get my trainers and carve out the sole, leave an inch gap, a centimeter gap around it,

then put like by AstroTurf, you know, like the bottom of that and make it so high. That's a good idea. So I'm just wearing a pair of... Yeah, old shoe on top of AstroTurf. Yeah, exactly, yeah. And so you go, God, he did that in loafers. Well, that's the thing.

If you do wear a loafer, you can't kick a ball properly with a loafer. No one can. It doesn't matter who you are. I wear a comfy pump. Comfy pump. Like a Converse. That'll work. Yeah.

Converse will be a free. You might sleep there. I was talking to Tom Davis about it, and he goes, you got any game, son? You got any game? I was like, no, I haven't got any game. Don't say that. Don't build up the pressure to me.

Jesus, what? Pressure's on David. Yeah, but I've played down my football ability. And are you performing the song on Socracan? No, bloody hell, Fyre. Are you mental? I mean, the lyrics of In the Cupboard sort of sums you and David up a little bit.

We're like, even if we won the World Cup, you're going to put it in a cupboard. Yeah. Not a cabinet. David did. David said, like, we had some notes from people saying stuff about, like, stuff like that. And David just went, I can't be arsed to change it. It was just like, he was like,

oh, and I could, and someone said, oh, why don't you, rather than at the end, just like mention some of the players so they might hear it and they were like,

yeah, we've recorded it now. Are you ever going to perform it live do you reckon if you've actually listened to what i've added to that song there's a guy called dan who's who's david wrote it and did the music and then dan this guy dan uh eyes on legs he produced it i was i would add one line line that David basically told me how to do anyway, and I'm really embarrassed because I went a bit... I went a bit... I can't even talk about it. Because I thought, I've got to add...

You know, we were talking earlier about sort of coming out your shell. I thought, I have to come out my shell a bit here for this. So I was sort of like going, come in the gutter. And I was like, oh, you wanker. And there's raw footage of it somewhere your body language at this moment is absolutely you're not coiling

like a shunt stretched in its skin oh horrible so yeah but you know like you have to commit sometimes to stuff like with acting and stuff it's fucking you have to go sometimes to stuff, like with acting and stuff. It's fucking, you have to go, right, I can't do this at 40%. Do you ever do anything with your granddaughter

where you feel embarrassed like that? No, no. Singing, dancing? I think I show off. Do you? Really show off, yeah. But it's, yeah, look at Rob. There's two different Joe Wilkinsons.

Yeah, I fully commit to ballet and all of that, yeah. Yeah, Petra has to look away. It's not the man I met 17 years ago. What's he doing? God, he's really into that. So when

you first met then, was her son quite an adult then when you first met? Yeah, he was like 18, 19. So it's quite a weird dynamic. 18, 19. No, he's a really nice lad. There was none of any of that sort of weirdness that I imagine happens quite a lot. Yeah, well, especially when he's grown up, he's sort of like his stepdad. You're more sort of his mum's new partner than I suppose stepdad.

He's an adult by then, you know. Yeah, exactly. stepdad you're more sort of his mum's new partner than i suppose yeah he's an adult by then you know yeah it's so yes exactly it's sort of like it's like a weird like officially i'm his stepdad by law or whatever but yeah not like as in um here's your dinner yeah let me show you how to shave come on leave it out mate I've just done it yeah I think I think that's absolutely none of my business

I'll be honest with you absolutely none of my business you're a grown man you've got a house what are you on about but yeah no he's a really nice lad

so he's always been very kind to me is he a fan of your comedy Joe he's never said. I'm sure Petra is. Take that as yes. Petra openly says, and this is a lot,

she goes that her favourite comedian is Paul McCaffrey. She openly says that to you? Yeah. Well, she absolutely loves Paul McCaffrey. He's brilliant. He is really good. I'm aware of that. He's really good. Proper solid jokes what you know what's going on yeah punch line there you go oh no i get you no outfits no props none of that dressing up

shit just good old solid stand up i know i'm not a great believer in solid that'll work comedy. Which if you saw me two nights ago, you know for a fact. I get that. Rose is obsessed with, she just thinks Ellis James is the funniest person she knows. Oh, he is funny though. He is good, isn't he? Yeah, he's really, you know, just somebody sort of like that kind of style of sort of like

into his football sort of 90s stuff, but funny with it is really refreshing, isn't it? Can you imagine that, Josh? I can't,osh i can't i used to go and watch ellis's edinburgh shows they always they were like my one the one of the ones i would have to go and see and i just remember like he did a thing where he was like just asking people where where they lived or like where they're near it wasn't it you know the way he doesn't ask where you live it'd be where's your nearest big town or something you know some odd way of asking where you live and then he just had a fact about that town that was just bizarre everyone and you know places i'd never heard of nuntown or something you know and it'd be like you've got your church has got the largest roof span per capita of people you know and you'd be

like and they'd go yeah i've heard that and they would be like it would be like 20 minutes of that and it was good was it no no no it never worked that was always the dip at the start And then it would really kick on from there. No, it was brilliant. I was obsessed with his shows. They were really fun. Has your stepson ever come to see you do a gig? He came to see, never mind the Buzzcocks,

but he really likes Noel Fielding or one of the... No, he really likes his music. I can't remember who he was on, but there was a musician. It wasn't for me. Yeah, yeah. There was a musician who was on there. But that musician it wasn't for me yeah yeah there was a musician but that's that's sort of normal i think if you have a half it's like or your family is like really into your comedy that'd be really weird wouldn't it yeah like a fan it's like because they because they know what a tit you are you know what i mean and like it'd be like god i've

really my favorite favourite comedian is you. What? What are you on about? Even if you're the funniest person in the world, I don't think your partner will ever pick you over another comedian. No, no, it's normal. You've got to love Ellis or McCaffrey. That'd be a really unbalanced relationship. Yeah.

But when you're having caviar every day, sometimes you want a Whopper. having caviar every day sometimes you want to whop her does Petra listen to chatterbooks she does yeah but she's she does the um she's involved in it basically she does all the um yeah all the producing of it and stuff but um yeah she don't she she likes canal thursdays we just had canal thursdays come out and uh i i i think i can say i think it's really funny because the it's really the guests who make it really funny we just had alex low on oh yeah and he basically did barry from watford and i've always been a barry from watford do you know barry from watford his character

yeah you still think i ring up a lot of the uh radio shows didn't they yeah ian lee's stuff yeah and so we just got to speak to barry from watford on a canal boat for half an hour so i was like in heaven and it's so fun he's got that character and so like we've had seb and al um alistair green and anna crilly all these amazing people just fuck about with for half an hour and i'm i'm like okay when i'm doing that i go okay this is the best job in the world yeah listening to like really funny people because me and david just prod them you know and go you know now talk about this or whatever yeah and it's yeah so the alex low one came out today and it's so funny just him just being barry from watford because it then greg mckew came on and did gary tank commander oh yeah it's so funny, just him, just being Barry from Watford. Because Greg McHugh came on and did Gary Tank Commander.

Oh, yeah, it's great. Yeah, but like, and some people's characters where they're just, doesn't matter what they say, it's just theirs. Yeah. The stupid voice or the, you know, the way, their angle. It's just, it's just, yeah, so that was like, oh. So she loves Canal Thursdays particularly,

and I'm with her, it's fucking, anyway. Go So she loves Canal Thursdays particularly, and I'm with her. It's fucking, anyway. Go and listen to Canal Thursdays. Go listen to Chatabitch. Well, you do so many. I can't believe how many episodes you put out. Don't you record every morning? Yeah.

This series is 123. This series is 123. No, 127. Do you do five a week? Yeah. Oh, my God. It's an. No, 127. Do you do five a week? Yeah. Oh, my God. It's an absolute drain. How did you decide to do a daily breakfast podcast?

Well, David had the idea, like, because we were talking about always wanting, we've always talked, because me and David have been writing together for, like, about 10 years. And so you end up talking about everything, don't you? Yeah. We're always talking about everything no yeah we always talking about like kind of chris miles and those you know those easy breakfast he's your big comedy hero isn't he chris miles that's why you belched at the start yeah yeah but yeah so anyway david was talking about like being a breakfast dj and and he sort of said oh well let's do it let's do

a breakfast show thing which sort of was funny and then and then we sort of realised that breakfast shows are every day and we were like well let's try and do it every day but it started off like let's just record for 20 minutes but like you just keep going don't you do you know what I mean just keep banging on about any old bollocks and then

and so yeah and then we were talking about how when we've all done mundane shitty jobs, I don't know about you, but I used to have like things that I relied on to keep me sane. Yeah. As did David. Like I used to listen to this thing called the 99P Challenge. Right.

It was like Simon Pegg, Amanda Nucci. Oh, wow. And they basically, it was like a really funny sort of panel show thing. And there was like, I remember finding about a hundred of those. And so I was like, I had a month or two where I was like, I can listen to that. And then, so we kind of, we were fantasizing about being one of those basically,

but then I didn't really realize the drain it would be on our lives. But I feel that comes across in the episodes. Well, yeah. My favorite ones are when you get obsessed with the chart positions, but you got to number one in the charts recently. Yeah, we knocked... Well, it's because David came on here.

That's what takes the sting out of that. We basically coattailed you. I'm glad you acknowledge it, though, Joe. That's the main thing. Not publicly. I will be talking to Michael in a minute and going, you've got to fucking cut that bit out. Otherwise, I'll never, ever...

You'll never work in this podcast. But, yeah, we basically... Look, you guys are the big boys, right? You're the big boys. Well, no, not anymore. I think the news ones have come in now, haven't they? Yeah, the news ones. Forget the news.

I'm not interested in the news voice. I'm talking comedy. I don't look at the whole, the news was losing. Forget the news. I'm not interested in the news, boys. I'm talking comedy. I don't look at the whole chart, mate. I look at the comedy. If I look at the whole chart, I can't be bothered to do that much scrolling down. But you got Alistair Campbell on Chatterbix because he complained about Chatterbix going to number one.

He was a really good sport. He said what he put on Instagram, what the fuck is Chatterbix? Because he's obsessed with chart positions and stuff. He's got a problem. Who isn't? Well, not to the degree about him. Because what about when he came on your show

and he was speaking to you about you running the marathon? Oh, yeah, yeah. He knocked my time, didn't he? Yeah, so he said what? He went, immediately he said to you, have you done the math? You went, yeah. And then he said, what time did you do it in?

And then you told him his and he told you. Yeah, he beat me by about 50 minutes, yeah. Then he asked your age. Yeah, yeah, he pointed out he was like 16 years older than me or whatever. And I was like, all right, let's just get you back up that chart where you're at. Calm this down. How many illegal wars have you been

involved in joe core top of my head now you now you time for a pivot but um you come on let's get back to the big boy shit yeah you were you were the ones to beat well do you know what i see the the iTunes chart now as, Joe. Do you remember the Moscow Olympics when America didn't go there? Oh, yeah, yeah, nice, nice. Nice. Man, you didn't do the FA Cup. You're talking about, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, nice. There'll always be an asterisk next to it now. Do you know what? That's true. You go, we're 24th. Well, we're not really, are we? We're 25th. Because those

bastards aren't... I think it's because we're all sort of peers and all sort of started out together. Normally, in comedy, we're used to seeing people and it's obvious what people are doing because they're all an arena or a theatre or a thing and stuff. You gave me one bit of advice

I always carry with me when I first was coming up as a comedian. We did a gig together and I had to do 20 minutes and I wasn't really ready for it. And you just said, I've always seen 20 minutes as 16. That's a great bit of advice. It goes further. This is Alistair Green and I's, this is of advice. It goes further. This is Alistair Green and I's. This is our advice to everyone.

20s are 16. 15s are 12. 10s are 8. 5s are 3. Go and enjoy yourself. So when you first start, going from five to ten minutes is so stressful. You can't believe now we're sort of more accomplished. You can just go out and sort of blag it a bit.

Just talk a bit longer, yeah. But at that time, everything was so like, well, that's 17 seconds. I can't make that longer or shorter. Where am I going to pull another two minutes out of my arse, mate? Because I remember the laughing horse. Do you remember the laughing horse? The heats were five. The final was seven.

Okay, I've got three months to try and come up with two minutes. Are you mad? How am I meant to do that? Well, my dad said that to me once. I had to get like an hour ready and I had like 20 minutes. So I needed 40 minutes and I had four months. And he it was like well it's only 10 minutes a month yeah it's only 10 minutes isn't it yeah just fuck off fuck off Rob's dad got any idea any idea how much shit I've got to pan through I never knew how long bits were.

So when I was in the clubs, people would go like, when do you want a light? Which is, you know, the club owner would put a light up to show that, you know, some people would have a light at the end of their set, some would be like three minutes from the end. And they'll go, yeah, give me a light at 17. So that end bit's three minutes and I come up at 20.

I'm like, who knows how long a bit is? I found that really intimidating. I felt there's loads of things in comedy when you don't know, people say stuff like that and you go i don't know anything about comedy and then later on you go we're talking about an old tit well exactly yes someone go could i get a light at 14 because i've got this bit i'd like to run into that needs a bit of building up to so if i get the light there that i'll know i better drop that in and then come back around what you want to just get a lighter tune and come off? When I did my brief stint trying to do junglers gigs,

which are kind of the listener, kind of the toughest clubs. I remember being booked for 15 minutes at junglers Camden. And they said, what time do you want the light? And I said, I'll have it at 12. Cause then at least I feel like I'm on the kind of...

Yeah, you're done. You're done. You're coming into land. I've only got to get to 12 now. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I went on and I was dying to silence. I was thinking, this is going really bad.

And then the light comes and I'm like, do you know what? Even the hoe, it's going badly. It's gone fast. I've gone through it fast. And I come off. They've just lighted me at five. Oh my god. I've imagined you two do it because you can imagine how I did it.

Because I did those gigs. You can imagine how I did it. I'll text you after. One comedian. Just'll text you. Just beep it out. Just beep it out. No, I will text. Okay.

You don't trust Michael. He said, I don't think this is for you, mate. Ah. Ah. Because it had gone badly, fair enough. But he went, I don't think this is for you, mate. Just, you know, do you write and stuff? Maybe write on stuff.

Oh, that's a horrible thing to say. Oh my God. Lucky now. Yeah, he was fucking right. Spot on. Maybe you shouldn't listen to him,

Joe. And I was, then you look back and you go, those gigs were awful. Yeah, you can't do, you can't stop comedy because those gigs are fucking terrible.

I'd argue, you can't really do comedy to those gigs. It's just sort of banter and crowd management and crowd work. I can't do either of those things. No, exactly. But then I was... Because I'm a bit more conversational and personal, I can sort of just sort of... And a bit, like, laddy, I can sort of out-laddy them.

But what I'm really... Doing comedy is surviving doing some cheap dick jokes and it's just a bit of survival and then like you go to other gigs and you tour that's when you sort of start doing actual bits material but like that is not fair enough you may not be you know may not be suitable but they're not it's the brutal at that stage when you're like first in especially if you like you know you want to have 10 cats a cat does countdown is one of the the best comic performances in like panel shows and and sort of when you're like first in especially if you you know you want to have 10 cats does Countdown is one of the best comic performances

in like panel shows and you're doing sketches it's unbelievable everyone looks forward to it when you're sat there on the desk

and you come out the crowd go mad and we sit back and just watch an amazing bit of comedy every bit of that that I've watched and applauded

and laughed at would have died on its arse at Jonglers so whatever Jonglers is it don't matter you know those kind of gigs but it's brilliant and and you if you were listening

to them you'd think this is shit but it's not people love it but you're just doing it in the right place if you could channel that person you are with your granddaughter that that that camden gig i remember dying really bad it's the last last sort of of those gigs ever did and i i at the end it'd gone really badly i don't i've never done i've never done any telly at this point obviously and i said and i thought i'm gonna i'm gonna make my like this will get something from someone this end i said look and they're still, they are booing and going fuck off at this point. Yeah. And,

and, and I went and they're still shouting and I go, look guys, you've been lovely. And they're still, they're still going fuck off. And, uh,

and I was really, you've been really, you've been a lovely, lovely crowd. And I really appreciate it. And look, I'm going to be at the back signing autographs. So please, please form an orderly queue.

Please don't push to the front. Please. Like this. Going on and on. And one bloke went, what the fuck? We want your autograph. You're fucking shit. I was like, oh, that was a fucking, all right.

Yeah, fine. Like, can't you see that you're all shouting at me and I'm pretending it's going... You know, I was like, well... The same gig that I was waiting to go on and one of the guys just watching was chewing chewing gum and it fell out of his mouth. And I was like, if you're performing to people

that can't keep food in their mouth, I'm sorry then. Do you know what I used to do? If there was a crowd I didn't like, if I'd be at the back and you walk through the crowd, if I needed a fart, I'd do it halfway down and then get on stage and then just watch the reaction of it because no one's going to think it's me. You're all just going,

you're going, no, I didn't do it. Well, you must have. It's coming from over there. And I've just dropped it and ran onto the stage. Oh, God. I can't believe those gigs. Fucking hell. Joe, thank you so much for coming on. Oh, it's coming from over there and i've just dropped it right onto the stage god i can't believe those gigs fucking off joe thank you so much for coming on oh it's the final question the last question yeah it's a bit more different because you're sort of dealing with grown-up kids but what's the thing petra does as a parent that you find quite annoying and what does she

do as a parent or grandparent that you find really sweet and you think oh isn't she nice well it's just her sweet is generally a relationship with her granddaughter's lovely and it's just like that's obviously it's amazing and it's very very um it's sort of just like oh god that's lovely isn't it how amazing that they have that sort of a bond that is just it's just there and they don't they don't sort of a bond that is just, it's just there. And they don't, they don't sort of, the little one doesn't really know why it's there. You know what I mean? Yeah, it just works. Yeah.

And annoying, God. She's only half, about 12 steps away. So she's in recovery. Oh, that was a lovely bit of business. That is good. That was lovely. Do you know what, Rob? Every now and then, you blow my mind.

And when it happens, it's worth writing down. It really is. Free kick and a quick pun every 12 years. I can't believe how much slower I got that than you, Josh. Because I was literally going, oh, yeah, no, got it, got it, got it. I think the annoying thing is how much she palms off the general running about to me. Probably because she remembers the amount of running about with her son.

She bedded in early and was like, I'm the sitter downer. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's so experience paid off yeah second time you know what i mean she was like if i if if if she knows that i i'll jump up and run around after her then she'll get to eight and that'll be the default. But he doesn't know that. Yeah. So I'll let him just do that. Grandad Joe will get it. What does he call you? Does he call you Grandad Joe? Grandad Joe? Joey.

Joey. Joey. So Joey will go and get it. Joey will do it, don't worry. Joey can do that. That's right, Joey will drop you off. Joey will go and do the job for you. Joey is exhausted.

That's right, Joey will drop you off. Joey is exhausted. Joey just wants to watch the Man City game. But he's currently rushing to the dishwasher. Well, Petra somehow has not done as much moving as I'd hoped she would. I did a good one the other day. Oh, this, folks. Can I quickly tell you this?

We're playing, well, what do you call it? Charades. So, like, whoever gets the answer has to go up next. Yeah. You know, so it's like we're done with doing it, basically. Yeah. So Petra's up, and she does film or whatever. Yeah. You know, so it's like, we're done with doing it basically. Yeah. So Petra's up and she does film or whatever. And she,

and she's going, she's obviously doing Frozen. Yeah. Now her granddaughter's not getting it, but I know if I get it, it's my turn next. So I'm going, uh,

freeze, uh, steal. And she's looking at me going, I'm just fucking tired. And I'm like, frosty? That's what I'm talking about. About 10 minutes. And then it was like, I'm not going up again. I've had six goes.

I'm not going up for seven've had six goes I'm not going up for seven from oh Not Moving that's a great film Not Moving Not Moving not much happens

a bit slow thank you so much it's been brilliant lovely to see you boys is Cup in the Cupboard available on Spotify as you always say Josh

the one and only place the one and only place to listen if you ask me yeah cup in the cupboard and good luck on Soccer M we're going to be watching your free kicks and your footwear that's made it a lot worse

great cheers Joe I'm now going to slip over cheers boys look after yourselves see you later bye see ya

Joe Wilkinson love Joe Wil Bye See ya Joe Wilkinson Love Joe Wilkinson Big Joe Wilkinson fan That was one of our ones Where we got quite distracted Rob A little bit Got distracted However I quite enjoyed

This distraction Because everyone was talking About how good I was at football Of course Yeah yeah yeah of course So I just wasn't going to As much as I wanted to stay on topic You weren't going to steer it

Back to parenting at that point No At that point I was like, do you know what? I'd rather just hear about me more than his grandchild or stepson. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I just thought I could indulge that a little bit. But also it's difficult though for him to talk about parenting too much. He met his stepson when his stepson was an adult.

And now he's sort of got, you know, step granddaughter, old Joey, granddad Joey. It's funny Joe Wilkinson's a granddad yeah he's weird isn't it and actually what you're often like you'll trot out not you but me or you will trot out in an interview when we're promoting this like about how you hear another side to people that you don't get in normal interviews i'd say that was really true of joe wilkinson here yeah I think he's a little bit nervous Between you and me A little bit nervous doing it Because this is a sort of podcast

Where you are being really honest and open And he's an actor He has a sort of character act doesn't he Yeah but to hear Joe Wilkinson Talking about playing hide and seek You don't get that You don't get that on other podcasts Rob You could tell he was a bit sort of

Sorry I keep banging that You could tell he was a little bit nervous About saying it there wasn't it Like he likes to be a bit vulnerable about it. Yeah. Yeah, he's so funny. Yeah. And give Chatterbix a whirl.

Give Chatterbix a whirl. And we'll see you on Tuesday. Josh, I'll see you Tuesday. Bye. As ever. Exclusively on Spotify. Exclusively. See you then, baby.

Bye.