Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP37: My Bowel Movements Are Still Jet-Lagged

Episode Date: November 29, 2022

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Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Hello, Daddy. Can you say Josh Wiggett? Josh Wiggett. Daddy too.

There you go. That was like an American Josh. Josh. Josh, come on already. Get off the sidewalk, Josh. I saw Georgia, and I thought, oh, yeah, but that's actually the name of one of the people. Georgia?

This is seven-year-old Jackson, quite an American name as well, attempting to read the intro prompt to his five-year-old brother, Harry, and one-year-old Jackson, quite an American name as well, attempting to read the intro prompt to his five-year-old brother, Harry, and one-year-old cousin, Rosa. We bribed him with a, want to have a guess? Chocolate bar? Freddo, yes. And they're posh. Oh, it was right.

I was going to say it might have been one of them, like, the weird grain bars. Oh, fuck that. That kids don't really like, but you try and give that to them before they realise Maltesers exist. Yeah, exactly. Josh, I am in Australia. You're touring Australia? It's 11pm.

It's 11pm. It's 1pm UK time. 11pm Brisbane time. I've just seen your photo of how I've got the mic set up and it looks so much like a cock. Oh my God, yeah, it really does. Yeah, you're wearing a taco bell t-shirt is that what you wear in bed your taco bell t-shirt that's my comfy hotel room clothes

i sleep naked the good thing about that is you're away from lou but yeah she can be sure that you're not looking elsewhere if you're if you're packing your taco bell t-shirt yeah i didn't pack my sexy like because obviously i have my sexy clothes i wear to bed of course of course i say for you do as well because you got your sexy outfit what is what's that outfit you wear for rose again is it the phones outfit yeah it's um it's silk boxer shorts obviously yeah yeah smooth i like it yeah and then just a um a frankie goes says relax t-shirt and then a pair of doc martens yeah and braces it's pretty sexy oh how are you josh i've not spoken to you for ages i'm great i'm good i'm all right um that went down didn't it i've got loads of parenting to talk about rob i haven't got

loads to talk about parenting wise to be honest no so i thought why don't i do the parenting so that we keep the audience on board and then we'll hear about your time gallivanting around Australia doing gigs? How does that sound? Yes, let's do it that way. I've seen a lot of you walking around Victoria Park in the rain looking at Christmas trees.

Fucking hell, mate. And it looks a bit, it feels a bit weird, Josh. You're like, you're really into it, but you just keep going back to the same Christmas trees. Why don't you go to other Christmassy stuff?

But it's the only thing near me that is Christmassy. Well, Rob, magic has gone Christmas. We've made the move on our kitchen radio. Oh, so you're listening to... Okay. We're listening to magic 100% Christmas. So is your tree up yet?

Lou's doing decorations today. We're recording this on the 28th. Oh, she's putting her tree up today. We once went in November and by Christmas Day the tree was a sorry state. I think we spoke about this. We made the move. Artificial. Of course, Rob. High-end artificial

is the future. You're a fucking loose neck. Of course. If anyone said, what's the difference between Widdicombe and Beckett? I'd say Widdicombe has got a tree dying in his living room and Beckett's gone artificial. That is the difference between widdicombe and beckett i'd say widdicombe has got a tree dying in his living room and beckett's gone artificial that is the difference i'm just saying if you go high end artificial you never look back well we've done that with our lawn rob we've done that with our

lawn astroturf do you like it um i do look back i do look back on that one but i i do like it because you never get muddy but conversely yeah it's such a small lawn, Rob. I think the smaller, you've got to go AstroTurf because you'll never get it to a good level when it's little. Yeah. Well, the last house we lived in, we had a grass lawn, Rob. What are we talking about? Wait, wait, wait.

This is absolutely primed me. I'm not psychologically equipped to deal with a grass lawn. It got in my head too much the weeds the watering and i was like yeah mental load you gotta keep on top of that yeah i don't want the mental load of a lawn i just can't i've got enough going on in my head without a lawn in there yeah so that's where i am sure so why don't you push that to christmas as well you don't have to worry about when you get the tree and when it's going to die.

You can just have Christmas from the mid-November if you want. There's no space in Zone 2, Rob, for me to store a Christmas tree. It's a storage problem. You've got a cellar, yeah? Rob, our cellar is up to the fucking eyeballs in storage. It's a nightmare. We got a storage room, did I tell you? Yeah, you did.

Did you tell us on the podcast? Lou's got a storage room. A big yellow storage room? Yeah. Or other storage rooms are available. Other storage rooms are available, depending on who sponsors the podcast currently. What's in your storage room?

Mainly all my stuff. Really? That's what happened with me. Rose made me throw out my CDs, Rob, and hers are still here. How has that happened? Okay, so you've not gone after... Anyway, no, talk to us about parenting.

Come on, we've gone Christmas early. We're not doing a Christmas special now. Also, it's hot here and Christmas here, it's annoying. Yeah, it's unnatural. I went to... Well, Father Christmas is overdressed. Of course he is, Rob. Of course he is.

He's not dressed for the weather, is he? No. Sometimes you see Father Christmas in a pair of board shorts like he's not dressed for the weather is he no sometimes you see father chris in a pair of board shorts like he's going surfing and i hate it i don't want to see santa's knees no no one wants to see santa's knees ever imagine going to you saw santa and he had shorts on and that you'd ask for money back yeah unacceptable well we're going tomorrow we're going to uh latin land as scott uh so I'll let you know about that on the next episode. But we started our Christmas experiences last week, last Saturday.

Are you taking your youngest to that as well? Yes, we are. It's going to be wasted on him. Is that the laugh that says he's going to have a great time? He's going to have a great time, yeah. Absolutely. He'll be running around, running onto the ice, running at reindeer, just screaming out of a room, and you'll be hunched over,

shuffling behind. Oh, for God's sake. Like all parents with toddlers. Oh, God. Oh, God, I've made a massive mistake. Keep us posted, though. Looking forward to it. I bet you are.

I bet you are. I'm glad. So that's something to look forward to in next week's episode. Don't worry, I've got some jet lag stuff that'll make you laugh. Okay, good. So you'll feel better. So we started our Christmas festivities. We went to the premiere of The Snowman at Sadler's Wells.

I didn't think you could get stiffer. I told you the time I went to Sadler's Wells with an ex-girlfriend, didn't I? Or it might have been a little, I can't remember. I think you have time I went to Sadler's Wells with an ex-girlfriend, didn't I? Or it might have been a little, I can't remember. Yeah, I think you have told me that. And I didn't know, and I didn't know in dance no one spoke. Yeah, well, obviously in the snowman no one speaks, so there's no big loss there. It's the snowman.

In dance, no one speaks. They don't even go like, hello, welcome, we're going to do a bit of that. Nothing. There's nothing. They just dance. All of it is just dance. Yeah. Yeah. Too bloody right, mate. I thought there'd be an emcee, like somebody going, right, just. bit of that nothing there's nothing they just dance all of it is just dance yeah yeah too bloody right i thought there'd be an mc that had somebody going right just it's not magic

to try and bridge that gap well he needs someone to go look everyone this is what's gonna happen and then we'll be through it i mean well rob you say it's stiff neck right first things first go on we did the red carpet hang on right okay so is this like go on why do you keep referring to yourself as woodcutter because all the time because that's how the daily mail uh do you want to know what the daily mail described me as rob on the red carpet dapper no it's good oh so you found your market have you the daily mail no no i'm not saying that i'm just saying it's interesting is it so do you, is it? So, do you want to know? I've never been to an event. Hang on, so did you go to a public event with your family?

I did, yeah. And they take photos? Yeah. Is this what happened? Yeah. Oh, that stresses me out. I think that would stress you out more than me. No, do you know what?

We went there, got out. I was already ready for this. And it's not a red carpet. It's one of those, you know, those boards you stand in front of. A white carpet for the snowman. No, it's a small piece of red. You know, those boards that football managers stand on are in front of. And you have your photo taken.

It's got a few things behind it. That kind of situation. You know when you do Lorraine. It's like that. And they get your photo just in front of the Lorraine board. Yeah. So basically you've just gone to a normal theatre show, but they pull you to the side.

Yeah. And you dish for like a free ticket. ticket yeah josh some of the people were there oh but this is this is incredible rob i've never been to an event with an odder cleontel can i just run you through right i know three the first two people i saw and i was like because i was like who's gonna go to this the first two people i saw were jemma collins and charlie brooker saw, and I was like, because I was like, who's going to go to this? The first two people I saw were Gemma Collins and Charlie Brooker. Not together. And you're like, what the fuck is this? Charlie Brooker from Black Mirror. Charlie Brooker from Black Mirror, not Charlie Brooks. No.

Not Janine from EastEnders. No, and not the guy that's married to Rebecca Brooks either. Charlie Brooker. No. One of our greatest writers And greatest satirists And Gemma Collins Right

Gemma Collins And then Gok Wan He hasn't got kids has he Gok Wan No No He was just there With his boyfriend

He just loves Snowden Kevin Eldon Honestly Kevin Eldon You're like Who is this for Kevin Gemma Collins

Kevin Eldon Charlie Brooker And Gok Wan Alison Stedman. And Arlene Phillips. I didn't see Arlene Phillips. I didn't see Arlene Phillips. She got a photo with the snowman. Did she? I didn't get a fucking photo with

the snowman. Didn't get that option. So you're in the photo with Rose and your daughter. Yeah. She wanted to do it. Your daughter wanted to do it. You can't tell her no, can you? Yeah, but I was like, she wants to do it. Your daughter wanted to do it. You can't tell her no, can you? Yeah, but I was like, she wants to do it. And this is, I never go to these things, but this is the kind of thing where you're like,

this is a really good thing that she wants to go to. So I'm going to take advantage. The only premiere I've ever been to was absolutely fabulous. That was the film, not my description of it. It was, it was Fast and Furious 7, was it was absolutely fabulous do you know what the reason why there's that weird mix is because it's a stiff neck event so you just assume it'll be full of stiff necks and then all the sort of jemma collins brigades turned up yeah for a free bit of male online space yeah well i don't know if we have them in the pictures like I say, I can't tell them not to be in it.

You can't say to your daughter, you are not allowed in this photo because that would do more damage. But then also, she doesn't know the implications of being in the mail-on-line. No, I know, but... It's a balance, isn't it? It's a balance, but do you know what? To be fair, it was the premiere of The Snowman.

It wasn't a 48-hour coke binge, was it? Exactly. That would be the premiere of The Snowman. Oh, there we go. That's good, Rob. That's good. Oh the snowman oh there we go that's good rob that's good but yeah that's fun then that's good it was great fun we had a lovely time are we are we still relatable if you're going to premieres josh i mean it's the snowman because at this stage you're you're going to premieres and i don't i've not seen my children for two weeks yes it is a problem what have we become well that is an issue rob that is an issue i am

gonna see him again though so this is this is an anomaly anyway so you went to the premiere what else have you done festivities wise um the other things we've done festivity wise um yeah my son said his first words rob because that exciting that's words what was it well what i realized is it just it's not like a moment is it that's really i literally don't even know what my kids exactly i think it's an overrated event it's an overrated event because not at the time it felt great but like yeah but they slowly form them it's not like they go from nothing to going higher do you know what i mean hello my name's name's Rob. Or just like, yeah. Yeah.

Or it's out of nowhere. They just said something like garbled. So they're kind of forming the sounds and they're getting it. So I didn't have on either occasion gone, and there's the first words. Do you know what I mean? So what did he say? So he's kind of drifted into it. He does mama and he does quack quack.

If you ask him what sound a duck makes. Oh, that's got to hurt you, isn't it? I'm trying to overlook it, Rob. Duck over Widdicombe? How do you ask him what sound a duck makes oh that's gotta hurt you in it um i'm trying to overlook it rob duck over widdicombe how do you want him to go you've got to remember how often i take him to see the ducks in the park rob you've got to remember and he's always facing away from me in that situation when he's in the buggy right okay so quack quack a mama yeah rose must be loving that i'd say it's an early victory, Rob. Has she been gloating? No, she hasn't.

She's kept it to herself. She's, she's... Okay. Yeah. She's been good about it. She's been good about it. I'll be honest with you, Rob. I got off to a slow start with my daughter.

And now I'm pretty much the favourite, I'm going to say. Really? No. Okay. No, I'm not. But, you know, I... You are saying that. You wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean saying that you wouldn't have said if you didn't

mean it no i would say if i didn't mean it rob i i say a lot of things i don't mean you know but you're backtracking now in case rose hears this and gets the arm well well do you know what she has she has made a complaint about the podcast rob oh has she she doesn't want too many apps on her phone yeah yeah exactly the bit where me and you talked about inventing a comfortable shoe was the most old person thing she'd ever heard in her life and she thought it was pathetic well she needs to realize that she's married to an old man no offense josh cheers mate that's what we are if anyone's in denial it's rose yeah what with her uncomfortable shoes look i tell you what we're gonna get to about 60 right

yeah and rose is gonna be in absolute bits i can't get a walk anywhere because she's been wearing nice shoes and rose wears loves you shoes she has great shoes but what i'm saying is me and you are gonna be in a terrible pair of shoes but we're gonna be flying through that high street we are gonna i'll go for a walk yes certainly, certainly. Why? Because I'm wearing the Parenting in Hell 3000. That's why. Right, now, you know when you're an idiot with your kids to make them laugh, which is fun. Yeah.

And I enjoy that. Like you'll put on a funny hat or something like that, yeah? You'll put a sock on your head. That kind of thing. your head that kind of thing you know that kind of that kind of yeah you know what i mean you know you'll do something wacky to make your kid laugh what's the wackiest thing you've ever done uh i don't know did you ever pretend to hit your head and fall to the floor i think the pretend yeah the pretend slapstick's fun isn't it let's pretend slapstick or the the raspberry is an easy one, isn't it?

If you're struggling. Pull my finger, do a blow off. Yeah, exactly. Not a blow off, but yes. I put on a funny hat. That was a big blow off. Go on. I put on a funny hat for my daughter.

What was it? I can't remember. And she just looked at me and she said, that's actually not that funny. Just like that. And it was a moment where I thought. Yeah, that's bad. Because she sort of knows what you're trying to do. Yeah, she's like's that's actually not that funny just like that oh and it was a moment where i thought yeah that's bad because she sort of knows what you're trying to do yeah so that's not that funny just like very matter of fact and you've got the hat on your

head and you're thinking i'm a fucking twat in this situation i feel like a real one you should get her in her last leg writer's room. Just to sort of like any ideas are getting away from you three. And she just goes, actually, that's not that funny. What else you been up to with the kids? Well, I'm going to send you a video now. My daughter's friend has mistaken me for someone. You'll have to describe the video, Rob, as you're watching it.

Okay. Okay, right. I'm going to play the video. Okay, so. What did you say then who is it who's what that so she sat down in a lovely front room by the way beautiful fireplace um and she's eating plain pasta which i massively respect and she's pointing at a Why? Who did you think it was? Josh. Who? Josh. You thought this person here was Josh? Elton John. That's Elton John, darling.

This is... They look familiar, and the person wearing glasses looks like... I don't think Josh has got a coat like that now she said it oh come on now I'm saying like you take the glitz and glamour away that's unbelievable he's never worn a pair of sandals I'm saying, like, you take the glitz and glamour away.

That's unbelievable. He's never worn a pair of sensible shoes in his life, Rob. No, but I'm saying, if you take Elton John, the bare bones of him, with his hair, if that's what you want to call it, his hair, normal glasses, not the sparkly one, not the sparkly... You put him in a stripy Pizza Express T-shirt and a blue jacket, you're looking at Josh Whitaker at 73. Oh, God, no. No.

I can see it, Josh. Honest. She nailed me for who I am. What does Rose think about this? Does she think you like Elton John? No, she hasn't said that. What? She hasn't denied it.

Honestly, I'm not even doing this. No, no, no. We haven't discussed it. We all laughed at the video i don't think you can see i think you can see a way to wind me up that's what i think you can see i know i could if you strip back the the wacky clothes you i'm not now but in a few years josh oh god what do you think i can't stop looking at the pictures yeah i can see it i think the essence of you is in there oh for god's sake that's what it is I think the essence of you is in there. Oh, for God's sake. That's what it is, Michael. The essence of Widdicombe is there.

A little bit shuffly. A little bit shuffly? You're a little bit shuffly, aren't you? Element of national treasure around me, is that what you're thinking? Loved by millions? I can't stop looking at pictures of Elton John now. Oh, God, is that where I'm going?

That's where I'm going. I'm Elton John. This one really looks like you. If you take away the brooch, the earring and the red sunglasses, they're quite distracting. You've got the same mouth. I haven't got the same mouth as Elton John. You do. You know where he is there.

Because he's with his son, isn't he? They're just about to watch the snowman. With all the guys. Oh, that's funny. That's fun. I can see that now a bit, Josh. Yeah. Maybe you could finish the tour shows with Rocketman.

Rob, when you die, I'm going to rewrite Candle in the Wind about you. Do you know what, though, Josh? We need to finish big. I'm not going to do Rocketman. We could do Don't Go not gonna do rock we could do don't go breaking my answer we could do don't go breaking my heart rob you could be kiki d and i could be elton john oh my do you know what though that sort of seems fun on paper but i'm so bad at singing i think people would just leave yeah well it's a good way to get people to file out at the end okay i can definitely i can see the essence of you and elton john you fancy yourself as a bit of a singer no i don't know you always wanted to be in a band that was your number i was i always

wanted to be a footballer you always wanted to be in a band but i didn't want to be the singer i wanted to be the brooding guitarist rob right okay piano i can't play the piano i wish i could i've always wanted to be able to play the piano but if it would feel weird to take it out the week after you're mistaken for Elton John. I think it would be perfect. I'm in. Rob, I want to know about Australia. Right.

Okay. Well, so I've been in two weeks now. So you're out there on tour. I'm on tour. So I'm touring. I've done, I went to Perth. Then I went from Perth to Adelaide, Melbourne, Canberra. I'm in Brisbane now. Then I go to Sydney.

Then I go to Wellington, Christchurch, Auckland, and then fly home. Oh, lovely. Away from the fam. Away from the family. I'll be honest with you, the flight was amazing. I was so tired. I basically slept the whole way. I am desperately missing the kids now, and Lou is like two weeks.

It's a long time. So I've got another week and a half. But, yeah, massively missing them, to be honest. And what's the contact like? How does it work? Basically, now, like, I can only really speak to them either first thing in the contact like how does it work um basically now like i can only speak to them either first thing in the morning the last thing at night yeah so the kids rung me today and it's quite exciting josh my venue in brisbane was next door

to the studios of where they make bluey oh whoa that is and i got invited in i got invited in to see where the magic happens. Oh, wow. By Joe Thingy? Yeah, but he wasn't there, the creative guy. But the team were. We're working on a little thing with Bluey, aren't we, Josh? We are. We can't say what it is.

We can't say what it is. And I've seen the thing. Oh, no way. Is it good? It's good. It's really good. Oh, I can't wait. We can't say what it is, but the Parenting Hell Bluey collab.

Parenting Hell Times Bluey. Yeah, so we're doing that. So that's exciting. We can't wait. They'll announce that in due course. But the problem with Australia is, Josh, the time zones. I didn't realise about the time zones. By the way, it's rained every day since I got here.

It's been sunny twice in two weeks. Even though Samson's in his shorts. Absolute joke. But it's weird. It's hot, but rainy. It's a bit tropical in Brisbane. Anyway, so you get to Perth, right? And you land in Perth. shorts absolute joke but it's weird it's hot but rainy it's a bit tropical in brisbane anyway so you get to perth right and you land in perth so you're getting used to the time zone because it's

completely different to the uk but perth is three hours um behind oh i'm confused but it's a three hour gap between perth on the west coast yeah and then like all the stuff on the east coast yeah yeah so we flew over it's a three hour gap god i've got no idea yeah yeah so i flew to flew to i flew to like melbourne it was a three hour gap right yeah delay whatever it's called time zone different and then i flew to adelaide and adelaide was half an hour behind melbourne what i didn't know you could do a half an hour one i've just done a half an hour yeah come on Come on, guys. A half an hour? Who's picking at the details? Then I flew from there to Brisbane, and they're an hour behind Melbourne. But an hour and a half behind Adelaide.

And it's like an hour flight. It's fucking bananas, mate. So the problem is, Josh, I'm on the time zone now. OK, I go to bed a bit later and wake up a bit later, but that's because I'm finishing work at 10. So I'm on the normal time zone for my job. Yeah. However, the last thing to adjust to the time zone is your bumhole. What?

My bowel movements. Oh, no. My bowel movements are still jet lagged. Oh, no. I'm a regular guy. Are you? Are you one of those people that has a dump at the same time every day? Yeah.

Are you? I'm regular. What time? Well, normally it's after my morning coffee at around sort of 7, 8 in the morning. Oh, wow. Get it out of the way. About 10 minutes after I've got up.

Boom, straight out. And then I'll have another one later on. That's a little bit more time. That can shift slightly. However, I've come out here for 12 nights in a row. Yeah. I've had to get up and have a shit or two at 30 a.m. Oh, my God.

Rob, that is a nightmare oh no and just by doing it every night you're reinforcing the problem you need to you need to train your anus like a baby you can't train your anus josh the anus will do what it wants when it wants that's what people with babies that don't sleep say rob that's what i said what should i do stroke my anus's nose yes strike your anus's nose i'm gonna well tonight at t30 i'll think of you stroking my anus yeah but i don't know what to do because you can't and also when you wake up you know can i just ask yeah this is my question. So if I go for a poo, right,

I will sit, read my phone, enjoy the experience. Yeah. If it's, if I go to the toilet in the middle of the night, and I'm not one of those people that gets up to go to the toilet generally, but I've got to try and maintain an element of sleepiness.

So. Oh yeah. It looks, yeah. I'm all over. I look like I've been spiked. Do you? So are you on your phone or are you just just going let's just get through this and get back to bed in the dark in the dark yeah bloody hell that's a bit weird i'm wiping in the pitch black the

thing is even though i know that's my schedule in australia that's just when i do it now i every time i wake up i always think it's going to be bad because whenever you wake up in the night and need to poo normally it's a bad right it's a bad thing's gonna happen right yeah of course it's associated with illness yes but it isn't it's just absolutely textbook and what i've been doing is i've been like not getting that sometimes not getting back to sleep so not sort of being up for the day and then 2 30 from your poo poo 30 but then poo poo 30 every night. But what I've been doing is having like three hours sleep and then getting through the day.

Then the next day, sleep for 13 hours. That's not healthy, is it? That's not good. At one point, I was up for so long with jet lag, Lou texted me and went, Rob, are you okay? I went, yeah, why? She went, every time I've messaged you over the last 72 hours you've messaged immediately when have you slept oh my god the airports domestic airports in in

australia are so easy yeah it's like getting a train they've got machines yeah you don't have to get laptops or computers out oh my word yeah I went through an airport like that. It's so fast. There's a UK airport. London City's now like that. But I was going through it and they'd got the new technology that meant they didn't need to get the laptop out of the bag. And the guy was having to have an argument with every single person going through

to tell them to put their laptop back in their bag. Adding to the timescale. It was an absolute disaster. Adding to the timescale. No, you don't. Put it back in their bag adding adding to the time scale it was an absolute disaster adding to the time scale no you don't put it back in no no no you put it back in the bag okay but can't it can't scan it out no you can't scan it out but we're trying to speed it up by keeping it in so you put it back in a couple of other things that happen to me um i keep because i keep just walking about on my own but and also it's quite empty australia so it just feels like lockdown yeah oh god because there's no one about and i'm just walking and then i tried it's really wholesome australia i mean honestly if i was like a trades

person if i was a plumber or gas fitter or someone that works outside or a builder i'd definitely move here because it's just so much nicer to do that job yeah it's such a more laid-back atmosphere and it's so it's easy to get to places. So you're just walking empty streets like 28 days later kind of situation. Yeah, a little bit. I was walking through a park and it was really pretty

and there was loads of lovely families having like... I've just thought of a joke. Go on. 28 good days later. 28 good days later. I like it sorry carry on I wanted to try and film like the park

because they have all these picnics going on and the weather's beautiful and it's sunny and they've got loads of great facilities it's a beautiful country it's an amazing place

to bring up kids and so I was like I tried to film like how nice it was and then I realised I was just filming a family's picnic and a bloke looked at me

and went what are you doing I went nothing and then walked off. Oh, dear. It was so horrible. Oh, God. And it's weird also as well because I'm sort of like, a few people know who I am in Australia, but not like in the UK. So I'm sort of that, everyone thinks they want to school with me,

sort of. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That sort of level of fame where people recognise your face, but don't really know where you're from. I'm basically that YouTube bloke. So normally I don't realise how much I get away with sort of being odd in places by just going, oh, you're Rob Beckett, aren't you?

But now I'm just like that weird fucking poem walking around filming children. What do they make of you as an Englishman? Do you get a lot of credit for that? Like, are they interested in it? I've changed all the references in my show to suit an Australian audience full of fucking British people. Is it? Of course it is.

Maybe I should do it next tour. You should definitely come out. Honestly, it's great. It's really good. I'm going to do it next time and try and bring the kids. But the problem is communicating with home because it's either... So basically, I can talk to Lou when I've woken up and I'm full of beans and

not if I've not after two 30, I'm not, you're not calling her for the two 30 sitting there. No, no, no, no, no.

Lou's phone goes up at lunchtime. She's like, Oh no, he's having a shit. No, I ring full of beans and excited in the morning. She's tired watching. I'm a celebrity or she rings ring full of beans and excited in the morning she's tired watching i'm a celebrity or she rings me full of beans in the morning and i've just finished a gig and i'm knackered so you're never on the same wavelength you're always at odds and then so

lou right so i've been putting in events in my diary for stuff right like that i'm gonna do like drinks your mates or whatever so it's obviously i'm putting it in for the right time for the UK, but it's coming up in our phones beyond time because yeah. So I've not even finished putting an event in my diary. He's like, we're taking him to go and see the Grinch then. I'm like, I've not even,

I'm literally, I haven't even finished putting the fucking event in the calendar. She's texting me on WhatsApp going, no, we can't do that. And then I was like, that's the wrong day. Cause what I have to press is all day events.

So it means it's on that day. So the times don't affect it. And sheesus fucking go mad i mean anyway i've learned also i've learned the do not disturb button because the first three nights i was away call night messages people ringing my ring doorbell i've been ringing do you know what i've just got into rob record screen come on talk about phones i love record screen just like i sent you a bit of a podcast the other day didn't i you can just record like if there's a funny thing like a funny video you can just record it it's great anyway you carry on did you not you know you could do that no because i'm an old man have you just

found that out yeah yesterday and rose is worried about your shoes how much older are you than rose or is rose older than you rose is a month older than me. Do you reckon that's what it is, the shoe stuff? Do you mean? Because you're not supposed to be the cool... She's the cougar. And I'm the toy boy. You're the little young little toy boy, sort of the twinkie guy.

And she's like, I've got this young guy. I'm into young guys. And then now you're talking about comfortable shoes. And she's like, this is not what I signed up for. Yeah. I think when Rose signed up with me, she never thought i was a cool young buck for instance i'm the kind of person who uses the phrase cool young buck which is a real kid um do you want to do some correspondence oh can i ask one more question about australia or can i ask one more question yes go on uh how are your daughters

taking to it you being away so right this is i mean this might be quite helpful for people to work away but they're a bit younger now so i don't ask to facetime them yeah because that can ruin everything like the balance at home if it's going all right yeah yes so if lou's sort of doing that and then i just burst into i like oh you know i ring lou and chat to lou and they're like oh Lou will message me when the girl's asked to talk to me yeah because I don't want to keep sort of badgering them kind of thing so whenever they talk to me I always talk to them yeah but I yeah so I allow them to do that they are missing me a little bit but they've been really busy with school and that's why we did it now because they're so busy at school at school there's loads of fun stuff going on they're like doing rehearsals for christmas plays and shows and then they had a sleepover at their their nans on saturday so by

the time i come back yeah it is i am honestly at the moment i'm in a bit of a funk if i'm honest because it's like i i'm sort of i've done so much i've been away for so long i've still got another week and a half yeah and it's really sort of they're so young and so cute and you just want to see them. But yeah, it is really hard. But I think sometimes it's actually the adult and the parent that is struggling more with it than the kids. They're way hardier than you realise. And it's sometimes me going, oh, don't worry, I'll be home soon

and all that, and they pick up on that. And they're like, I can give a fuck. Yeah, pretty much. And they're fast after me a little bit yeah pretty much and like they have asked after me a little bit but yeah they want some

like koala teddies I've gotten some koala teddies and they wanted a mummy one and a little one so I found that and then and things like that so yeah

I'm probably missing them to be honest but it's it's one of those things where I had to do this tour now because if you don't do it on this tour I've got to wait three years

until I've finished my next tour it's great you should honestly they'll love you out here because of Last Leg. You'd hope.

You'd hope. Can I ask one more Australia question? Yeah, go on. Are you going to go to Ramsey Street? No, I'm not really bothered about that. For God's sakes. Sorry. Oh, for God's sakes.

What have I done? Oh, no. I've watched the Australia game. No one gave a shit about that. The World Cup sort of. Oh, yeah, it's the World Cup. Is that a thing over there? Not really.

No, they don't understand what's going on. I was in a pub with the Australia game, and they were winning. They beat someone, didn't they? Did they beat? They beat someone 1-0 tonight. It's rubbish. She was here. 1-0.

And then it got to the 90th minute. You know it gets to the 90th minute, and there's injury time. Lou doesn't even like football. She knows there's injury time. In a pub, they're like, come on, let's go. Let's go. You know, I don't know why they're american let's fucking do it my gun the rose and all that and anyway he got to like 89 minutes and

90 and 50 seconds they started going like 10 oh no come on like as if a buzzer was gonna go oh no oh that's obviously they're counting down zero, and then it was like six minutes extra. I was like, fuck it. Oh, mate, what's going on? Six more minutes? I was just like, oh, fuck off. I don't think you lose. I'm glad you're enjoying it. Glad you're enjoying it, Rob.

No, it's good. You should come out. Yeah, I will. I'll tell you what, though. I'm doing Sydney, right? If anyone's listening to this and lives in Sydney, please come to the show tonight on the 29th of november because i sold out the room yeah um on the wednesday so let's put another show on tuesday yeah i have not sold that one out josh oh no oh no oh no oh it's it's what percentage

are we talking let me i think 38 oh that's gonna be that's a tasty one and also what you've got to remember with that 38% of people Rob they are also the people that wanted to come the least yes because they bought it

after the first lot yeah so they're also the least pumped for the experience as well just as a helping hand I just want you to know that yeah

I think there's gonna be an entire balcony empty it's gonna feel like I've been cancelled. Well, it's fine though, Rob, because you're doing them in the right order. You've added one on the Tuesday. You're not doing Wednesday. Great.

I know. Thursday. Oh God. No, it'll be fine. It'll pick up. Don't worry about it. Get some wall cups. I just need 950 wall cups to sell out.

That'll be fine. Get them to leave for football early. I might reroute a fun run into the theatre Just change all the signs Yeah, this way, just come in here Take a seat What percentage of your audience are Brits then? In real terms

Do you know what, it's about 50-50 in the room Has there been any parenting hell people? Any parenting hell mentions? Yeah, I've been at a few gigs where someone where's josh yeah that's what i'm looking for oh that's not how it works awkward thing is i have to explain to half the room who you are because not everyone listens to the podcast exactly so if they said josh widdicombe some of them might have known you off youtube and last night but someone just goes where's josh yeah and i went well he's

probably at home i'm in australia then i turned around and i went i've just checked he's fucking your mum and i wasn't proud of it but i just needed to do something that was good stuff it's good it's good gear joshua is fucking your mum okay that's where he is yeah but they've been good the gigs they're brilliant audiences i'd love it out here, to be honest. It's really nice. But I'd quite like to be with my family. Oh, Rob. There's more things in the world. I'm not moaning.

I don't want any sympathy. I'm very lucky to do what I do, and I fucking love it. But it doesn't matter who you are, where you are. If you're away from your family, it's difficult at points. Exactly. It's quite nice getting a lot of sleep. Getting so much fucking sleep, though, mate. I'll rub it into people that aren't sleeping. getting a lot of sleep. Getting so much fucking sleep though, mate. I'll rub it in to people that aren't sleeping, but...

Sleeping a lot. Do you want me to do a quick bit of correspondence? Oh, past life children's stories. Are we up for this? Oh, yes. This is from Dan Schreiber. Yeah, this is my kind of topic. Hello, Rob and Josh.

Thanks for a great podcast i'm reading dan schreiber's book and i'm loving it there's a thing about a theory in it that some people have this isn't the thing i'm just telling you yeah that the reason the titanic and everyone else listening yeah yeah no sorry i i realized you thought that might have been the email should i have to stop listening at this point no no no no no it was was that there's that instruction so listen they shouldn't listen to this no no no Sorry. What I meant was this isn't the email. This is me speaking. The theory about the Titanic is that the reason it sunk is because it had so many time travelers on it.

All right. Oh, do me a favor. No. Are they heavier than normal people? No. But the theory is if people could time travel, right, then they'd all go to the historic points in history. And so they'd all go to the historic points in history and so they'd all go to the titanic and then so many people are on the titanic that it sinks who the fuck's doing

that well that's a good point isn't it who's going to the titanic yeah but what came first in the sinking because that's the interesting thing maybe it didn't sink at all until the time travelers started going if i could time travel, Titanic would be so far down the list of where I'd go. Where are you going, Rob? I'd rather go to the premiere of the Titanic with Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet. What a night that would be.

Oh, great. Gemma Collins, Charlie Brooker, they'd all be there. Where would you go if you could time travel? I'd either go to like the 60s in London or the 90s in London. God, I'm unambitious where would you go i think i'd go to like major sporting moments or like i'd go to like a gig with like oasis played to like 200 people oh right yeah well that's the thing if i went to the 90s you know if i was in the 90s at

the height of brit pop or as the 60s in london when the beatles were living there and all that oh man and your time travel in just to live there and not time travel again i'm pack i'm packing in about five gigs a night yeah no no i'm just doing a good night's sweet you're just time traveling and just like chilling out for a few years okay so i'm doing like greatest hits all these different bands jumping about you can go again yeah so would you go to actually i would go titanic if i could someone's weighing down the titanic this is how it works rob this is how it works i'd go to the iceberg actually and watch it from there

just with your finger giving them the bees unlucky losers then you'd slip straight in with them horrible place to go because if you time travel to the titanic you'd get there and go this is horrific i've got to go i'm just gonna leave yeah and time travel somewhere else what about jfk one of those would you do like one of those big events like that would you change anything rob no i'd go out on the piss and watch a few bands yeah and then i'd put something in front of it so jfk didn't die and to see what happened um hello rob and josh uh thanks for the great podcast i love listening i have no kids but have worked in a nursery for 20 years i listened to one of the recent episodes where you asked if anyone's

children had said that they had been here before my my sister, who is now 32 years old, told us when she was five years old that she used to be John Lennon. She could tell us random information, such as his address, his favourite food, et cetera. I know his address. Things a five-year-old wouldn't normally really know. And this was before we had the internet oh my neck's tingling yeah this is weird you get that like spooky i don't like it i'm in a hotel

on my own i don't like it josh my dad said to her well it can't be true as you were born in 1990 and john lennon passed away in 1980 my sister looked and the dad my dad had said i was a squirrel for 10 years okay i don't i don't i believe it less now weirdly the squirrel stuff but how did you know the address i depends the the address he died that was the dakota building in new york and i actually know the name of the house he grew up in rob because i'm a nerd but i didn't when i was five so how does a five-year-old know that? And did John Lennon have a favourite food? I don't remember that.

I've never heard that about John Lennon. I reckon it's whatever Yoko Ono cooked. Yeah. Well, have you heard his episode of Off Menu? No, I haven't, actually. Is it good? Curry, jelly and tea were his favourite foods. There you go.

So there you go. That's a good past lifer isn't it do you want one more past life children's story one more past life and then we'll do small business are you feeling nervous in your hotel room listening to these i felt creeped out by that then the squirrel made me feel better dear rob and josh having listened to your dan schreiber app i wanted to share my spooky experience of my child talking about a previous life. When my daughter, now eight, was about five, I was lighting a fire in the lounge. She kept getting really close, so I told her to be careful and that she must always stay away from fire. She said, Mum, when I was Emily Elizabeth, which is not her name, and lived with my grandmother in the big house because my parents were dead, I used to have to light 50 fires every day, so you don't need to tell me.

I was totally freaked out. Halloween is her favourite time of year, and she loves her graveyard. Love the podcast. Who the fuck is this? Thanks for keeping me sane, Jan. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's scary. I don't like it. Who the fuck is this? Thanks for keeping me sane, Jan. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It's scary. It's scary. What do you think? Do you think it is, though, that kids have, like, proper vivid dreams? I don't know. And they just pick up stuff that just folks are trying to read. Because I try to do lucid dreaming for a bit. You ever done a lucid dream where you control your dreams? No.

Can you do that? Yeah, you can. You have to just train. There's books books you can do you have to train your brain it's basically getting to your subconscious thing where it's like you have to keep saying am i dreaming or is this real yeah and then you go and do and then like but then you sort of do that as you're sleeping as well and then you can sort of you can be you can do what you want in your dreams oh that's good i might have a go at that but you have to train yourself to do it it's like a bit of a did you manage it yeah i just basically in my dream i had a shit at 4 a.m just

for a couple of hours extra sleep i say rob that is the perfect end to the podcast by the time i wish i could tie it up tie it all up get some sleep i'm all right i'll just um no i hopefully my bum i will change its sketch but i'll keep me posted um do you want to do small business oh yes i forgot about that that's that's the perfect end to a podcast i've got i've got one here here we go this one here is from paul this one's from paul in great nesborough one of my best mates um daughter is 19 and has set up a cake baking business she's done amazingly well setting up the business all on her own and has worked very hard and would love some more followers

and some more customers. She lives in Benfleet, Essex, and would love a shout out for her social media. And it's this one here, at CakesAwayUK, CakesAway, C-A-K-E-S-A-W-A-Y-U-K, on Instagram and Facebook, Cakes Away UK. Cakes Away, C-A-K-E-S-A-W-A-Y-U-K on Instagram and Facebook. Cakes Away. Go to Cakes Away and get yourself a lovely cake. They look good, to be fair. I just had a quick look on the Instagram,

and it's Katie Baldwin, Cakes Away Bakery. Oh, they do, like, Elf on the Shelf. Oh, she's very good. She's got a van as well. Oh, fuck, I've got to do Elf on the Shelf this year. You can hire a van. So, Cakes Away. Good luck with that. She's got a van as well. I've got to do Elf on the Shelf this year. You can hire a van. So, cakes away. Good luck with that.

19. Running a business. Unbelievable. What were you doing at 19, Josh? I was at university. Okay. Coastal. Not running a business.

Not really doing much. I wasn't running a business, no. She's got her own van. I didn't have my own van. I didn't even have my own car. Good on her. Cakes away. I need to ask you about Elf on a Shelf next episode, Rob,

because I don't know what to do with it and it's creeping up please could you give a small business shout out to my friends brand new business at super dinky d-i-n-k-y-u-k super dinky uk they make beautiful handmade vests and outfits specifically for nicuU babies, which stands for Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. So they are designed to be dressed around lines and tubes to give parents that first outfit experience for their friends and family to give us gifts and support during a difficult time.

My friend's baby was nearly 10 weeks early and her business partner was an NICU nurse that gave her support breastfeeding and made the world of difference to her journey please give super dinky a shout out as the community around their instagram is also there to support NICU parents that is a great business super dinky UK everyone go out and support that lovely well done joshua see you on friday rob see you on friday for another interview see you then bye