Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP38:Tom Parry (The Return)

Episode Date: December 2, 2022

 Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the return of the brilliant comedian, actor and writer - Tom Parry. Tom's new film 'Your Christmas or mine?' is available now on Amazon Thanks, Rob + Josh. We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And Josh Widdicombe. Yeah. Say Josh Widdicombe. Josh Widdicombe.

Thank you. This is Jack, 35 months, nearly three, with his baby brother Ellis, eight months in the background. We are from Holton near Lancaster. Three and eight months. Three and eight months. Fuck. Ooh, mama.

We've been listening from the start and laughed every week, except one. No, it's kept us sane. My husband, Ben, and I like to use a Crosby's Law question to passively aggressive say, at least say what's annoying us, in a jokey, in quotation marks, way. We haven't tried the nice bit yet. Thanks for the laugh.

Danielle Walker, 34 years old. How are you, Rob? I'm all good. Another gig, more gigs done, nearly home. Be home next week. So I'm very excited about going home when you get home are you going to go big style on being a great parent like to make up for it do you know what i mean yeah well lou's going away in january with a friend like five nights

um so that's loose or a little trip away to look forward to so she's got that but yeah when i get back we've got loads of stuff planned they're gonna have a kids choose day where they get to choose what they want to do so they want to go like wall climbing in the to start the morning so we're gonna go that and do that as a family all of us are gonna do it and then um they can do whatever they want they can choose if anyone's got any advice or some sort of ground rules on if anyone's done their kids choose stuff and they also call it a yes day in america we just have to say yes oh my word are you nervous about that i'm quite excited actually it's really quite fun because then you sort of like most of the time i do want to say yes but my sort of adult parent brain goes um oh no i probably shouldn't do that

should i also when i just said that aloud i sort of forgot You still forget you're a parent When you go away with work I've not had to do any parenting Yeah of course You're sort of like Oh yeah I'm a Dad with responsibilities That has to go No you shouldn't do that

Because of this But I'm just sort of like At the moment I'm just a bloke Who just wanders around And then does a gig Yeah of course Because I'm trying to live in the moment I was like

Oh yeah I've got kids haven't I That I have to sort of tell off sometimes You've gone out of responsibility I'm kind of a bit mad Fuck I've got kids haven't I that I have to sort of tell off sometimes you've got a bit mad fuck it's sort of like it just dawned on me that I've got like children

when you're looking after them you're so in it of looking after them but when I've got children I've got children you're just a man who sleeps shits and walks

that's all you are at the moment absolutely in that order I sleep I shit I walk You're just a man who sleeps, shits and walks. That's all you are at the moment. Absolutely. In that order. I sleep, I shit, I walk. And then I walk and talk on stage and then go back to sleep again. Yeah. But, yeah, as I'm talking to you, I was like, yeah, I've got children. You sort of forget when you're in the middle of your life,

you sort of forget what you're doing, don't you, when you're busy with it. But, like, when you have you're busy with it but like when you have space to think it's like i've got a wife and children i'm old i realized i was old as well i met up with one of my friends um who were in adelaide if anyone's read my book i met up with a howitzer this lovely family that sort of took me under their wing yeah when i was in adelaide years ago years ago when you're a young buck i did it again and i was yeah i was in i had no money i was skin and they looked after me and drove me around and bought me dinners and stuff like that anyway so their daughter who's like a grown-up now she's like a 25 year old midwife um she lives up near brisbane so i met her for some lunch and stuff

like that and you know it was nice to catch up with her. And her friends turned up. And they were all 25. And, like, they're not even, like, young. 25 is like a grown woman, isn't it? Like, that's like an adult. It's not like 19 or 21. You're not talking to the police now. No, but I just, at 36, I was just sat there.

I was like, I am so fucking up. The jump between 25 and 35 and you've got two kids. I was like, this is fucking bananas here. I don't know. Do you know what I always think? You know when you get like a middle-aged divorcee who then gets a young partner? I always think the worst thing about that,

I think one-on-one, I think that'd be all right. The worst thing would be when you've then got to go and, like, socialise with their friends. Do you know what I mean? When you're the old person going on the lash with some 25-year-olds, you'd just be like, this is weird. Yeah, because also they're quite, like, you know, grown up, they've got careers and they've got, like, and they were lovely, was like i'm 36 and they're 25 it's not even a big gap if

if i if i had a 25 year old girlfriend it would be like oh that's a big gap but it wouldn't be like oh my god that's disgusting 11 years is a bit too long but it's not like it's not like newspaper like yeah pervy relationship is it you see some of these old folks have like 20 year younger girlfriend but like i was like i just i couldn't be in a relationship with someone that much younger it'll be mental i just stood there in the corner of like an n-dubs concert going what the fuck am i doing here dressed up like you're 25 oh i'll tell you what did i tell you i'll tell you i went to a dualipa gig on my own oh yeah you did say this did you say this on the show but they were lovely but it was just like about 25 minutes just like

they were all traveling and some of one of my boyfriends one of them didn't and they were just talking about and it was like yeah just go do that either did because i've met him before yeah i don't mean didn't you did you just sidle up and say hi? It's the weirdest night out I've ever had, okay? So I text Eva and said, oh, we're coming up to Brisbane. If you want to come to the show. She went, brilliant. I'll come with my friends.

Can I have four tickets? I was like, yeah, sure. And I got there, I had a night off before the show. She went, oh, do you want to go for some drinks? Watch the Australia game? Because it was on against Tunisia. I went, yeah, cool. No worries.

She went, I went. And her friends came. And then it turned out her friends were Finnish. And one of them, so she had, one of her friends was coming the next day for the gig. And then she had a friend who she met in Ibiza six years ago who is traveling and is from Finland. And then she met another girl a week ago,

also from Finland on some sort of Facebook traveling group. So they'd known each other a week and were traveling together. And then they'd gone up to Brisbane. So at the bar, I met Eva who I met twice, 10 years ago when I was in middle age, right? And when she was 15 and 15 and now she's 25,

which doesn't sound good if you're talking to the police either, does it really? Anyway, so she turns out, so I've met her a couple of times. We always talk about the whatsapp group with her parents and stuff anyway so she turns out with a friend that she's um known six years ago from finland and this other girl that she's just met a week ago but eva has only met her an

hour ago because she didn't know she was coming they met me in a in the bar so i'm meeting these two people for the first time my tour manager's there lovely justin who i've only known for two weeks right so no one really knows the only one of his drinks and then we go have a couple of drinks we go and get some food and just went oh my cousin and his girlfriend are in town they're going to come for dinner i was like okay i'm sat around a dinner table i was like i don't know these people i know either but most anyone else here the longest is Justin I've known for two weeks everyone else I've known for about an hour and no one else knows each other either

I felt like a mature student you know like when you have to meet everyone that's on your calls like oh hello yeah I'm 36 yeah it didn't really work out for me I'm back here now what am I like do you want to feel some comfortable shoes because I've got a pair. Rob, in honour of Australia,

do you want a quick couple of boomer Australian stories? Yeah. Yeah? Before we go on to the guest? Yeah? I love when it's got an Australian special. Go on. Howdy.

Grew up in Darwin in the 70s, early 80s, and spent a lot of weekends camping in the bush. One trip that stands out this feels like i've just made up an australian email doesn't it but there we go it doesn't sound australian is it no good day grew up in dark good night absolutely fucking ripper uh one trip that stands out the mum's job so that one trip stands out with a couple of other families into the bush about eight kids under 12. The mum's job was to sort the food and the dad's were on drinks.

We drove for three hours into the middle of nowhere. Arrive, no shade, 38 degrees from in, dying of thirst. The only drink that they bought for four days was beer. No water, no soft drink. Just beer. This boomer is veering into just sort of terrible parenting. It's not... It got worse. The spot they chose to set up camp

was downwind of a dead buffalo. I still feel sick thinking about the smell. Day two, a ranger shows up to announce that we are metres from a crocodile nest. Of course, we didn't move or leave. The only reason we got water was because they had bags of ice to keep the beer cold. Cheers, Vicky.

Oh, my God, Vicky. Are you allowed to drink bags of ice? Well, I think desperate times, desperate measures, really. Better than a buffalo carcass in a bar and a beer or something. Oh, that is bad, isn't it? Yeah. The sun's so hot here when it comes out. It's an absolute joke.

I think it's a different one. I think they've got their own one. You want to hear this? This is a good one. Hey, Josh and Rob. Thanks for being my favourite sexy duo, even though I'm 26, childless, and some British references go right over my head

as a Sydney, Australia dweller. Rob, this is exactly the kind of person you go out for a drink with. In the 70s, my great-grandmother was babysitting my uncle and mum. She disapproved of my uncle's middle name. So one day, took him to the city hall and had his middle name legally changed without telling his parents. No. Laura from Sydney. That is incredible incredible isn't it that is bananas

have i told you about my friend i've got to be quite delicate with this i've got to try and change it slightly so it's still you get the story without it being too obvious who it is my friend's parents looked after their child yeah andpped him back at the house propped him back at the home yeah and then take him to get his first haircut

no oh my word what have you changed that's what I think not enough not enough let's leave it at that right who we got

we have got an absolute parenting hell classic returning if you haven't listened to the original episode with tom parry go back and listen to it now it was one of our great early episodes a man yeah absolutely at the end of his tether or not even a man absolutely positive in the worst situation possible as an early months parent we rejoin him two years later yes to see how he's doing this we need to say a bit of a warning josh we talk a lot about christmas and father christmas yes so just be aware children just i wouldn't listen to this one with children i wouldn't listen to this one with children. I wouldn't listen to this one with children.

Hello and welcome to Parenting L. For the second time, Mr. Tom Parry. And I'm very excited about this. Hello boys. Josh is excited. He's going to rub his hands together in a minute. He does that sometimes. Oh my God. Let's talk about one of the most legendary episodes.

I don't really remember it, you know. I've had things I've said quoted back to me. It feels like, you know when you get hammered and you have one of those nights where you're blackout drunk and then the next two weeks are people reporting it back to you. That's kind of how that record feels to me. Yeah. People still say to me, chicken bits,

because of the Euros. Yeah, exactly, that's it. And it's like, I don't really have any memory. Because that whole period is such a blur. We should update the listeners. If you haven't listened to the original episode, it might be worth going back and listening to it now. And it's Tom at the height of having a new baby.

How far in do you reckon we were, Tom? I think it was like six or seven weeks. It was six or seven weeks. And you were doing shifts all through the night so your partner would have the baby to like 1am 2am and then you'd take over till the morning yeah and you was really excited about it and thought it was just normal and great was basically you'd sit up all night with a baby on you watching the da vinci code and eating two satsumas or something and drinking coffee. And you had your special coffee cup

and water cup like a survivalist. Yeah, pint of coffee, pint of water. How do you look back on that time? I suppose is the first question. Before we do that, could we ask what people

quote back at you from that, Tom, as a reminder? But well, people just keep saying like, are you okay? It felt mad. And like, what was such a weird kind of juxtaposition was like my wife and i thinking we're nailing this and like we've really got this down and then like an entire country telling us we're not people who i haven't spoken to since i was at school

on facebook we're like congrats on baby. It's mad what you're doing. I haven't spoken to you in 20 years. So that was kind of like a universal feedback, which we weren't quite expecting, really. I mean, we didn't change what we were doing. We definitely stuck to our guns. So how long did you stick to it? Or are you still stuck to it?

I don't know. No, don't worry. We're not still stuck to it. We should how long did you stick to it? Or are you still stuck to it? I don't know. No, don't worry. We're not still stuck to it. We should just say, for the listeners, what's the intervening period been? 18 months, do you think? Yeah.

Our daughter is now two. Yeah. Was two at the end of September. Oh, yeah. So about almost two years exactly. Yeah, yeah. Which is kind of a nice distance, really, to look back from. No, we're obviously not still doing that,

but it does feel like we're kind of stuck in a sort of version of that, but like a softer version of it. Oh, yes, please. Yes, please. Get his little face. I didn't realise, I've never seen Josh happy until we started doing this podcast, and people talk about difficulties of children,

and it's his only time he's really experiencing joy. A life driven by Charlotte Croydon. That's kind of parenting summed up in a sentence, isn't it, really? Yeah. We still kind of have like a tag system, I guess, where we were with Jane's mum for the first kind of six months or so, and then we got our own place, which made a hell of a difference. I mean, the one thing I didn't realise

was just how amazing it is living with your mother-in-law for that first bit of time. Because, like, laundry, my God. Like, I hadn't even thought about laundry. And now I look back on that and think... So she did all the washing? She did all the washing. So she was washing your pants as well?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was doing the lot. What a shift. Because like, I don't know how delicately to say this, Tom, but I've spent some time with you and played football

with you. I wouldn't want to wash your clothes. You're a big sweaty man. Oh yeah, I can't be insulted by that. It's the truth. Also, a man that

doesn't wear pants. Well, I try and reduce the load, you know. Fair enough. I've got Thelma's interest at heart You know Yeah no pants Just my jeans That my dick has been rubbing

You can wash them How often do you wash your jeans If you're not wearing pants? Because I don't really wash my jeans That often No you're not supposed to wash them No That often

But you're supposed to be wearing pants Not having your bare arse on them I only go commando on football days. Right, okay. Let the record show. Fair enough. I've only ever seen you on football days when you're getting quickly changed for a gig.

Yeah, exactly. And I'm always surprised when it's just shorts off and nothing else. Anyway. Sorry. Back to the child. So how are you in a softer version? You know you're supposed to freeze your jeans? Oh, yeah? You what? Anyway, back to the child. So how are you in a softer version? You know you're supposed to freeze your jeans?

Oh, yeah? You what? If you put jeans in a freezer overnight, it kills as much bacteria as if you washed them. But you don't damage your jeans. Right. Because I do agree that the moment you start washing jeans,

they never look the same. Yeah, totally agree. Anyway, I digress. But freeze your jeans. Freeze your jeans. jeans okay put them in a carrier bag would you clear out a shelf in the freezer or you put them on top of your hash browns yeah well we had a situation like this we had moths a few years ago and anything that's been mothed you made a freeze shove it in the freezer to kill all the moth eggs so we had a period where our freezer was like you know linda mccartney sausages pizza and then like a scarf like just

for like a few weeks yeah we'll get your jeans in there yeah i will i will do sort of mate i bet it's nice as well like i would quite enjoy putting them on straight out the freezer wouldn't you yeah yeah yeah yeah i quite like putting a wet t-shirt the freezer, wouldn't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I quite like putting a wet t-shirt on that's just been put out to dry in the summer and I let it just dry my body. Oh yeah, sexy. Keep talking, there's some people at home absolutely loving this. Sorry, what were we talking about? Talking about moving out?

My nipples go rock hard and I'm just lying in the sun. So, how are you, Tom, on a softer version of what you were living two years ago? We're still stuck in a kind of round-the-clock surveillance type situation. Whereby, Gro's got her own room. She's two. She's got a bed, actually. She's out the cot.

She's into the bed. Oh, yeah, big day. Yeah, huge day. But we've got a double mattress on the floor next to Glo's bed. Yeah. And that's pretty much Jane's bed. Right. So Jane is still sleeping in Glo's room.

We get about two hours together, Jane and I, like that isn't on Glo time. It's like a prison, conjugal visit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And even that two hours is dominated by, we still have the video surveillance screen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's a mattress in the kids' room

because she'll wake up in the night and want to come into bed. So rather than have her in the bed, your partner just lays on the floor next to their bed. Yeah. Well, Jane's still feeding, basically. Jane's still breastfeeding.

Right, okay. Jane's like a big exponent of breastfeeding and it really stutters in good stead, but we're kind of getting to the time now where we're trying to drop feeds and wean and stuff like that. Yeah. Oh, God, that's tough. It's the sort of logistics of it.

When they're older and stuff like that, isn't it, really? Like, with the breastfeeding, like, in the middle of the night, they're going to want it in the middle of the night? That's the difficulty, isn't it? Yeah. But, like, Jane's like a pro at, like, the breastfeeding kind of information. She's got... There's this woman called Emma Pickett,

who's, like, a breastfeeding kind of information. There's this woman called Emma Pickett, who's like a breastfeeding guru, who is like a third member in our marriage at the moment. We talk about her most days. How do you become a guru in breastfeeding? I mean, I don't know. She's a fourth member, Tom. You've got a daughter as well. Oh, yeah, of course.

Of course, she's there as well, yeah. Does this mean, Tom, that you're in another room sleeping through in a double bed on your own? King. King. Not king. This is wonderful, Tom. No wonder you want the breastfeeding to carry on.

Two years on, he can be living a more different life. Well, no, but the arrangement is that I have to have the video screen in there and it's on. So even though Jane's in with Glo, I still wake with them and listen. that I have to have the video screen in there and it's on. So even though Jane's in with Glow, I still wake with them and listen. And if they need me, Jane tells me. Right.

So you're laying there awake when Jane's breastfeeding, just in case? Most times, yes. Okay. And then there's some kind of pivotal nights where I've slept through. Yeah. And that never goes down well

because I come in and go, God, that was a good night, wasn't it? And Jane will be like, no, it was not. So does she express breast milk into bottles as well for you to do? So no, Jane's never expressed. Right. We've never had the need to, really, or the particular desire to. So our routine now is kind of like we take Glow to bed,

and then I say goodnight to them. Jane has about an hour and a half where she's kind of with Glow, feeding her to sleep and just rocking her to sleep. Then she goes to sleep while I sort the house. Sort the house is good, isn't it? I love sort the house. I love sort the house. I'll sort the house.

Oh, don't worry. I'll sort the house. Podcast on. Few toys away, put the dishwasher on. I'm very aware I have to do some kind of heavy lifting. Yeah. So it's like, that's my time to shine. I love sort the house. Yeah.

Let's break down sort the house. Let's face it, toys in the box, dishwasher. Wipe the sides. Let's not reduce it to just that. Well, what is it? Come on. Break down, you've sorted the house you've just left them upstairs

how often does Jane come down and you put up some shelves yeah okay that's fair Tom I'm not having a go at you here I'm a house sorter myself oh yeah I'm a fully fledged open house sorter I love to suggest the house sort the good thing is Rose doesn't really enjoy

the house sort so I get to sort the house the kind of 7.30 the house sort. Yeah. The good thing is Rose doesn't really enjoy the house sort. So I get to sort the house. Yeah. The kind of 7.30pm house sort is an absolute win. Bringing order to chaos, it feels good. It's the only time

I feel in charge is when I'm sorting the house. Tell me three of your first steps to sorting the house, Tom. You come downstairs, podcast on immediately. Podcast on, go through,

collect anything in the house that needs washing up, put it on the side, load the dishwasher, get the dishwasher on. Go through, collect anything in the house that needs washing up, put it on the side, load the dishwasher, get the dishwasher on, come back, wash the stuff that can't go in the dishwasher,

have a lovely time, and then front room, toys away, stick the telly on. And then Jane comes down and says, have you wiped the sides? And I go,

no, go back in and wipe the sides. Some days I can get away without wiping the sides. Just do mood lighting, put a few candles on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your ruling on wiping the sides? Because we wipe the sides before bed every night. And I did not bring that rule in.

No, it's not my rule either. No, that seems a bit hard and fast. Our house goes through stages of sort of like, it's always pretty clean, but then it can get away from us if we've just come back from somewhere and then we've gone a bit of a mad run. But yeah, it's not really a hard and fast rule. But if I do wipe the sides, Lou will probably do it again better. Right, yeah. Fair enough.

But I was quite happy with the level that I did it at. Yeah, I'm accused of doing my wipes are too light and normally using the washing up water that I've just used. You don't got any antibacterial spray, Tom? Come on, mate. There's some washing up liquid left in there, isn't there? I'm normally using the washing up water that I've just used. Have you not got any antibacterial spray, Tom? Come on, mate. There's some washing up liquid left in there, isn't there? I'm sure. So, yeah, so we have like two hours there where I've sorted the house.

We'll kind of go over the day. Sometimes we'll try and be romantic. And, yeah, the screen stays on, which is kind of, I find an issue. So is the screen on the whole time? Yeah. Doesn't it flick on when she wakes up? There's a noise. It doesn't flick on. It stays on. which is kind of I find an issue so is the screen on like if you're trying to be the whole time yeah doesn't it flick on when there's a noise it doesn't flick on

it stays on that setting while we're both awake the setting has to be that the screen's on you can't even turn it off so it flicks on so is that when you're downstairs

even when we're upstairs as well how big's your house tiny alright okay two up two down alright okay so you have a bit of telly time watch a bit of telly and then you go to bed what time you go to bed ten eleven Tiny. All right, OK. Two up, two down. All right, OK. So you have a bit of telly time, watch a bit of telly,

and then you go to bed. What time are you going to bed? 10, 11? Try and be a bit earlier than that, yeah. And then the screen's on still. I'm sensing you're quite anti-screen. I'm anti-screen. OK.

I'm anti-screen and I'm anti-grow egg. The grow eggs still dominate our house. What's a grow egg? You know those eggs that tell you the temperature? No. Well, I had a screen that had those eggs that tell you the temperature? No. Well, I had a screen that had a temperature on the screen. Right, yeah.

Yeah, that's what we have. We've got one of those. Rose is obsessed with the temperature. Temperature dominates conversations. Temperature combined with thickness

of the sleeping bag conversations. Yes, and pyjamas. All the time. Such a difficult time. I mean, you know know i know global warming's fucking the planet but most of all it's fucking with our routines and what we're planning to wear because the arguments are no heat in loads of layers but then the room looks too cold but then

you worry that they're getting too hot but if you have the radiator on and then they then they're in less clothes but the radios go off at a certain point. Oh, it's so difficult. Can I make a confession? Go on. I still don't know what the temperature numbers mean. I never know what temperature is good or bad. I mean that in a day time. When someone goes, it's 27 outside today, I go, I don't know what the temperatures

mean. I thought I knew until like, in a hotel room, if I've got it on 20 degrees or 19 degrees, I'm freezing cold. But I've got it on 20 degrees or 19 degrees, I'm freezing cold. But I've been outside in 19 degrees getting sunburned and my top off. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. I don't understand why there's a cold 19 and a hot 19. And then Rose's mum turns up and uses the other numbering system.

Oh, what, like 78? No. Fahrenheit? Yeah, it's like... Where's she come from, New York? I was going to say, where's Fahrenheit come from? Oh, she's from the past, isn't she? She's from the past!

You had to stop yourself from saying old, and then said the past. Yeah, it didn't work. Put the heating on it. It'll only cost a few shilling. Okay, so you go up to bed about nine-ish, then half nine, ten, screen's on. So you lit all night, Tom? The biggest to bed about nine-ish, then half nine, ten, screen's on.

So you lit all night, Tom. The biggest issue is when, you know, if we're trying to be romantic, the screen still stays on. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's the biggest issue for me. What, the kind of light bouncing off your bodies? Yeah, well, just knowing that you're, you know,

there's your daughter on screen just over there. You don't need that in your head. Yeah, no. But then also, if you turn it off, you'll be. You don't need that in your head. Yeah, no. But then also, if you turn it off, you'll be able to hear her if she makes some noise. Yeah. I mean, we'd be able to hear her if we didn't have the screen. Yes.

It's a two-up, two-down, Terry's house. You know, she's not in the West Wing. She's just literally there. Yes. When you're getting romantic, to use your terminology, do you turn the screen round, like turn it away from you? I do. Do you? I do. Yeah. Yes. When you're getting romantic, to use your terminology, do you turn the screen round, like turn it away from you? I do. Do you?

I do. Yeah. I turn it away and then Jane, if she gets the chance, turns it back and we have a merry dance. Is that what you call it? Yeah. It's kind of imperative to Jane that the screen's right there at all times. And I do find it off-putting.

I would too. I do. I do. It's a weird sort of fuzz as well, isn't it? Is it quite a clear picture or is it just all the grainy black and white? No, it's a fuzzy, grainy... It looks like a horror film, doesn't it? Yeah, that's the...

It looks like something bad's going to happen. And then, you know, after about half an hour of that, Jane goes to bed and goes into the room and goes on the double mattress on the floor in anticipation of if Glow wakes up in the night. Yeah. So your routine is that you always get romantic every night?

No, no, no. So you have a bit of time for half an hour. That's a bit wrong, fine. Half an hour every night. OK, but you're just in the bed together for a bit. For a bit. And will she go to sleep until the baby cries or just go in there by habit?

At the moment, goes in there by habit. Right. Because then she can just get as much sleep as possible and has to do as little as possible when... Yeah, that six-second commute would really disrupt the apple cart if she fell asleep in her own bed. Yeah. Look, it's very important that I have that king-sized bed to myself.

I've just sorted the house, Rob. I'm knackered. He's knackered. He's having to make love for 30 minutes every night. He's exhausted. And then you sort of wake up with them if they wake up, even though you're not doing anything. Yeah, yeah.

Moral support. Even though I'm not doing anything, yeah. Sounds like a bit of a hangover from when the baby was really little kind of thing, like that sort of routine of it all. I think so. Well, I think also we just get into the stage, we're kind of at a stage

where we think it's about to all change, really. I'm glad we got in now. I wouldn't want to have interviewed you in two months. Yeah. We're right at this stage where we're weaning and trying to make that kind of work and dropping feet, dropping naps as well,

trying to drop the afternoon nap. And it's kind of like, so it's a state of flux. But I think once we get through those, then we'll be home and dry. But the biggest step will be moving the mattress out of all those rooms. Where's the mattress going?

I mean, that's one of the big questions. Where's the mattress going? Where'd you put a mattress? Yeah, I think you're going to have to get that professionally removed or go down the dump. Then you've got to start, like, sellotaping it to your roof. It's the roof of your car, I meant, to take to the dump,

not just your house. Don't just leave it up there. Like a booby trap. Like a solar panel. And how long, because you said you're into the breastfeeding. Is it Emma Pickett, did you say? She's the guru. How long are you breastfeeding for?

What's the plan? Because we struggle to breastfeed, but for people that obviously like doing it and can do it, how long is the plan to breastfeed for? Well, until you both feel like you want to stop, really. Like I said, we're huge fans of breastfeeding, and Jane's done a lot of reading around it. And the connection they have because of it,

and the time that they spend together doing it, Jane really cherishes. And I understand that. Have you read as well that breast milk has like antiseptic qualities and stuff? So sometimes if I have like a rash or something, Jane puts her breast milk on my rash and it cleans it up.

Really? Really? Yeah. Have you tasted the milk as well? I bet you have. You've had a taste. A little bit, yeah. You've got to have a little bit of taste.

How much? Half a pint? Or a shot? Just a two-hour feed. No, no, no. What was it like, the breast milk? It's kind of like when you have a soy or almond. It's not great, but it'll do.

It's got a funny kind of sweetness to it, but it's all right. It'd make a cup of tea go cloudy. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. You'd be getting all like the bits floating on the top sort of thing. Best of just rubbing on your ashes, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, there you go. Because some people breastfeed for like years, like four or five years,

but I don't know what the sort of hardcore breastfeeders say. Or it is like you say, you just get to a point where neither of you want to do it anymore. You get to the point where it starts to feel natural for them to move on. Yeah. And they kind of feel that way as well. And now like part of it is like, it's not necessity anymore, but it's kind of like choice. And it's kind of like... And comfort, yeah.

Yeah. And it's an enjoyable way for them to spend, like they stick the telly on and do like 45 minutes or something in the afternoon. But like what we're looking at is like because of breastfeeding, Jane still hasn't started her menstrual cycle again. Right. Because it inhibits that. So in terms of like planning for, you know,

say if we wanted more, which we kind of talk about, then at some point we're going to have to look at dropping the breastfeeding. Right, that's interesting. That's one of the main reasons, to be honest. Because at the moment, Jane is a full-time mum. Chloe's not going to go to preschool for another eight months or so. So there's no real need to stop. And the only reason is because it's inhibited Jane having her periods back,

which Jane loves. She's like, it's amazing, she's on this huge menstrual holiday. She's kind of like living this dream yeah that's your next film isn't it menstrual holiday yeah

I think the cut off should be if the baby can undo the bra and then do it back up again that kind of dexterity I think you'd have to go

I reckon we've had enough the old flick on the clasp yeah that just flicked it off like a pickup artist from the 90s. This is how you do it, lads. I mean, my daughter's very subtle. She's not very subtle, but she

thinks she's very skillful at doing stuff like that. When we say, like, oh, you can't have a feed until because we're trying to kind of reduce. And then she kind of goes, oh, mummy, can I just look at your boob, please? And Jane will be like, no, because I know what you're going to do. And she's like, no, no, I only want to look.

I only want to look. And then Jane will kind of get her boob out and then Glo will kind of like vault onto it and stop the feed. That was your chat-up line originally, though,

with Jane, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know she's a chip off the old block. Yeah, I'm very proud. Josh mentioned Menstrual Holiday your next film

because we should talk about your current film it's coming out for Christmas yes I'm so excited about this Tom I'm a huge Christmas film fan I'm a fan of you so this is

this is big I love a Christmas film I've always kind of they're the best type of films so yeah I've written a Christmas film called Your Christmas or Mine and it's on Amazon Prime it'll be on Prime Video on've written a Christmas film called Your Christmas or Mine. And it's on Amazon Prime.

It'll be on Prime Video on the 2nd of December. Oh, Your Christmas or Mine. Yeah. What's the premise? I've asked you, but I know the premise. And it's a great premise. It's like these two students who have just fallen in love. And they're in a London train station about to say goodbye for Christmas.

And then at the same time, just after they've said goodbye, they both think, do you know what, fuck it, I'm going to go and spend Christmas with the person who I love. And they cross in the train station, get on each other's trains, and end up at each other's family homes for Christmas. Oh, that's a great idea. Yeah, there's like a huge snowfall, no transport, and they're trapped at each other's family Christmases. Because they turn up on the doorstep to surprise them.

And they go, oh, yes, I'll buzz that. That is good. That is really great. And it's got Daniel Mays in it. Is great. And it's got Daniel Mays in it, is that correct? It's got Daniel Mays in it. It's got Asa... He's amazing.

He's the best. What a bloke. Such a lovely guy. Asa Butterfield from Sex Education's in it. Harriet Walters in it. David Bradley from the Harry Potter films.

Alex Jennings from The Crown. Yeah. Oh, and Ram John Holder who was Pork Pie in Desmond's. Amazing. Yeah. Pork Pie in Desmond's. Amazing. Pork Pie's in it.

He plays the granddad. He's still alive. He's still alive, mate. He's amazing. That's amazing. A bit of a coarse bit of casting if he was dead. Very Christmas-y. He's that bloke in the corner.

Pork Pie's. Amazing bloke, yeah. He's on set singing and dancing every day. He's an amazing guy. And who are the romantic leads? Yeah, so it's Asa Butterfield, who's from Sex Education, and then Cora Kirk, who's a newcomer. It's kind of like her first big role,

so I think she's going to be kind of like the breakout star. Ah, brilliant. Oh, that's so good. Are you excited, then? So excited, yeah. I mean, it's a weird feeling, because we finished it just in time for last Christmas, weirdly, but, you know, they can't put it out. Oh, yeah, they have to just wait another year. Yeah, so I've just been sitting on it for a year, yeah. I mean, it's a weird feeling because we finished it just in time for last Christmas, weirdly, but, you know, they can't put it out.

Oh, yeah, they have to just wait another year. Yeah, so I've just been sitting on it for a year, really. Was it one of those things, like, you know, when they're like, you'll see Noddy Holder interviews and he'll talk about, like, they did that Slade song and it was, like, boiling hot outside. Yeah. Whatever number that is, 31 or whatever.

And was it like you were doing it in the middle of summer but you were doing a Christmas film? Yeah, we filmed it in August. Obviously, obviously like every exterior shot is a snowstorm so there's this company called snow business and it's their job year round to kind of make it snow on screen so they rock up with like snow machines and white carpets and all that kind of gubbins and uh make it snow oh amazing so we were there in the middle of August. That must have been brilliant, wasn't it? Yeah. And there's like, you know, big cranes blocking out the sun.

It was mental. It was absolutely mental. Were you Mr Burns? Yeah, I know, I know, I know. It must be amazing being on set, knowing that you've written all this and seeing it all. Mad. Absolutely mad.

Weirdly, on set, you're also the least useful member of the crew. Like a writer on set, you're just getting in the way you're walking around being like yeah is there anything I can do do you want to change a line

and they're like no no it's fine we're doing it now and you're like okay and just kind of go and sit by catering and yeah it's an

amazing feeling amazing feeling catching up on some sleep on set yeah yeah oh god yeah I had such a lovely time

we're doing night shoots and things like that and everyone was like god I'm knackered. And I was like, I have not slept this well in ages. How were we away for doing it? How did that work with parenting? It was a six-week shoot,

but the weekends were off pretty much. So I was back at weekends, so it wasn't too bad. The only bad one was when there was a night shoot, I think, and we filmed from seven in the evening till five in the morning. And then I got in the car and drove three hours back to Exeter. And that was like, that was bad. A couple of satsumas and a coffee, though, to get you through the night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For old times' sake. Yeah, and then you get back and then, like, obviously Glow was just waking up and ready to go. And then off you go. Oh, my God. What are you filming from midnight till 5am? Because it was August and we needed to shoot, like, when you're doing any kind of night scenes or any...

It has to look like the winter, so you're doing most of the day. Most of it was, like, night shoots. Oh, my God. And what's your Christmas plans this year? Are you going to sit down and watch it as a family, or what do you normally do at Christmas as well? This is the first Christmas. Because of all the COVID and stuff,

we're going to take Gloria back to Wolverhampton for Christmas at her grandparents'. So my mum's Welsh, right? So she's nine. My dad's English. She's nine? Nine. Yeah, that's Welsh for grandma.

Right, OK. All right. In Wales, you have a nine and a tied. You don't have a granddad and a grandma. Right, I thought she was just starting early. She's nine. Blimey. From the valleys.

She's Welsh, so she's nine. Oh, and then tides to grandad, yeah. Yeah, that's right. But dad's English, so he's not. He's gramps. So we've got gramps and nine. Gramps and nine sounds like a rapper. Yeah. grumps so we've got grumps and nine grams and nine sounds like a rapper yeah and then jane's mom thalma spent about 10 years working out in spain so she's kind of got an

affinity to spain so when she found out that my mom was nine she didn't want to just be like a it does sound like your mom's nine sorry right on, carry on. So Thelma decided she wanted to be... Eight. A buela. A buela. Yeah. So Gloria's got a... She's got a nine and she's got an abuela.

A buela? Yeah. And where are you spending Christmas? So we're spending Christmas at Nine and Gramps' house, but we're taking a buela with us. Abuela's coming with, okay. Yeah. Abuela's coming with. And has a buela hung out with Nine and Gramps before Yeah. A boiler's coming with.

And has a boiler hung out with nine and gramps before? Yeah, that's all fine. That's all fine. I would say, though, it's quite bold to just demand what you're going to be called, and it's Spanish, just because your equivalent has got an interesting name, because it's Welsh. Let's be honest.

It's an interesting choice, let's just say that. Sorry. It's an interesting choice, let's just say that. And abuela's a very difficult word to say. So Glo says bar. She's just clung on to the end of it. So instead of abuela, it's just bar. And she's too young to explain to her as well, isn't she? Yeah.

I mean, it's hard to explain it to people who aren't young. Do you know what I mean? Well, she once worked in Spain for a bit. Okay. Is she Spanish? No, no, perhaps not. No, no, no, no, no, no, of course not. My father-in-law, Lou's elder sister, used to call their grandad Amps

because they couldn't say Gramps or Grandad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then now the grandkids call their dad Amps. There you go. And then I always say Nanny and Grandad and then it's all confused. i was like look i'm not calling him amps you've got to call him amps dude you gotta get on board that's fine if the kids do it but i'm not saying that i'll say mick i'm not as a grown man to another grown man saying amps would you like a cup of tea. Bar, yeah. I call her Bar now.

Hello, Bar. Not even her name? Come on, Bar. Yeah. Bar's coming round now. Bar sounds more Welsh for a nan than nine. Yeah. It does.

It does, yeah. So which one's Spanish? Neither. Don't worry. Don't get bogged down by that. One's Welsh. No one's Spanish. Bar, not Bar.

Nine. Not who? Nine? But she's German. Nine? Nine? No? I in Spanish. Barb, not Barb. Nine. Not ooh. Nine. But she German. Nine. No. It's like a Michael McIntyre routine. So you're all going up there to whoever lives there in Woolbrands

and whatever they're called. Yeah, we're going to nine at Gramps' house for Christmas, yeah. Does Gramps want to rebrand? No, Gramps is out there. Quiet, easy life. No problems. How many kids are going to rebrand? No, Gramps is out there. Quiet, easy life. No problem. How many kids are going to be there? Is it going to be loads and loads of kids?

Glo's got nine cousins, I think. That's confusing. Yeah, it's big. That's a confusing number to throw into the name mix, isn't it? Okay, let's have you nine over here for the photo. No, not you nine. Yeah, so like nine cousins. So, you know, it's going to be good for them.

Off they go. Oh, wow. Are they all going to be calling Abuela, Abuela? No, they know his style. I think it'd be weird if they hopped on the bar train. It's already a weird train to be on weird if they hopped on the bar train. It's already a weird train to be on. Just standing Ramone

on the bar train just for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just us. That's just for us. How big is your nine and grandad's house? Is it a big house then?

Are you going to get everyone in? Are you staying over or are you driving back? We're staying over. All my other brothers and sisters live within about five minutes of my mum and dad's house. Right, okay.

So that's fine. You know, like, I didn't really realise, as soon as I got older, if I left and was like, this is what you do, you know, you leave home, you go and live somewhere else. But all my other brothers and sisters live five minutes away. So it's just me down in Devon. You traitor. I know. Well, that's the problem, isn't it?

When everyone goes home, a lot of people, like, move away, like you have, and they go home and they've got two children or three children or a child with them and they're in their childhood bedroom that is only really suitable for a 15-year-old in 1997. And all of a sudden, there's a family in there. Under a post of Carmen Electra. Yeah, Carmen Electra's looking down, looking at you, going, I know what you used to do in here, big boy.

And then it's hard for the other person who's not their family because their Christmas now is in sort of a strange person's house, essentially. Just sleeping on a weird bed that was your childhood bed. Yeah, exactly. It'll be chaos, but that's what it's all about, isn't it? That's what it's all about.

And then, I mean, I don't know what we're going to get her for Christmas. I feel like it's the first Christmas where she knows it's Christmas. She's already started talking about it, I don't know what we're going to get her for Christmas. Yeah. At two. It's the first Christmas where she knows it's Christmas. She's already started talking about it. But you don't need to get her that much because loads of people will buy her loads of stuff and you'll end up with loads of stuff. And she doesn't know that lots of things are bought for Christmas.

This is the advice I needed to hear. Obviously, Father Christmas will probably bring, in our house, Father Christmas brings the girls a present. Yeah. And then their friends and family and then the parents buy some as well but we get one present

from Father Christmas in our house and a stocking okay here's a problem I've got coming down the pipeline oh yeah oh what's that

you can't get an erection that half an hour every evening we've had a chat in the last two weeks go on should we be putting out a warning about this

If this is about Father Christmas Oh yes we should yes We should put out a warning about it If you're listening with children We're about to discuss Father Christmas And that's enough warning My wife's decided she doesn't want to I love it if you went she reckons he's not real

She doesn't want to go with the lie She doesn't want to She reckons he's not real. She doesn't want to go with the lie. She doesn't want to... Oh, really? Yeah. Okay, interesting. Because I feel weird about it. Go on. Do you?

Yeah. Yeah, she doesn't want to go with the lie. And actually, when you come to defend the lie, you start to realise that it's fucking weird and you're taking a really weird stance. Yeah, because my youngest is scared of the thought of a man coming in her house. Yeah, here you go.

Why wouldn't she be? Yeah, exactly. So talk us through your... When you start saying there's this... Well, we're not religious. We don't want to say, oh, if you do good things,

then Jesus will be pleased with you. That's not the way to do it. Yeah. And then you realise when you get into Father Christmas territory, it is the same thing. And Jane wants Glo

to believe everything that we tell her because we're telling her the truthful things and you can trust us and what we tell you is real and we're her guide to what is and what isn't in life. And then you go, apart from this one thing where we're going to make up this thing and it's not real, but we're going to tell you it's real. We're going to go out of our way to show you that it's real.

And I ended up going, no, we've got to do that and jane's like why why are you gonna do this one weird lie to our daughter and it's fun i can't really find an answer it's fun when they see the mint mince pies gone they go fucking batshit yeah i just think i've never met anyone that's really troubled as an adult because of that life no you know what i mean it's fun and i've never met anyone that's really troubled as an adult because of that life. No. You know what I mean? It's fun. And I've never met anyone going, I've been in counselling for years just because they lied about it.

It's a fun, you know what I mean? When he found out he killed seven people. You've all seen the Netflix documentary. Yeah, you're right. But I don't remember finding out that it wasn't true. I think you sort of clock it as a kid, but you don't really want to say it because you want to believe, I think, is what happens.

And you want the presents. Yes. Crucially, you still want the presents to come. So you keep shtum. Yes. So I sort of get it. So I've thought about this, but I think it is so much fun and they love it and it's exciting. And the world is quite depressing and hard work.

Let's not let them know about that early doors. I mean, here's one other argument. Yeah. If she knows at the age of four when she's at school, she's going to be put in a very awkward situation. Yeah, when she knows and no one else does at school. Does she keep that to herself or does she tell everyone at school? Well, what I think we could be imbuing her with there

is a sense of intellectual superiority. Yeah, sure. I quite like that idea. Yeah, because that won't damage him, will it? Just instilling a superiority over everyone at an early age. She's sat there at nursery thinking, Susan, you're my best friend, but you're a fucking idiot, actually. Who's calling a baby Susan these days, Tom? She sat there and she's thinking, Susan, you're my best friend, but you're a fucking idiot, actually. Yeah.

Who's calling a baby Susan these days, Tom? Come on. Look, Susan, you need to know the truth, okay? You're a pathetic little baby believing a lie, right? We're 15 now. I'm going home for a bit of breast milk. I'll be back to do my GCSEs. I do get it, though, but yeah, it is a balance.

So what side are you on of this Tom I'm team Father Christmas it feels mad to me if I'm going to try and get into an industry where I'm cranking out a Christmas film every year

being the truth guy I can't kill off Father Christmas I should say look that's going to pay our mortgage for the next five years you've got to keep Santa

if people stop watching Christmas films it's closing off my ideas but that could be your Christmas film Tom it's about the man to pay our mortgage for the next five years you've got to keep Santa alive. Yeah, can people stop watching Christmas films? It's closing off my ideas. But that could be your Christmas film, Tom. It's about the man that writes Christmas films but has no love for Christmas

in his own house. Yeah. You're like something from a fairy tale. I'm concerned about this. I don't think I'm going to win the argument, basically.

Right, okay. And I think once it happens very early on... Well, once you've lost the argument it's very difficult to put the genie back in the bottle isn't it yes he is real actually bye good night well you've got to be careful though because you can't if you tell her too young she won't be able to understand that she needs to keep it secret because she'll spoil it for other children yeah

exactly she'll go in this christmas to all cousins, all going blazing. I get a feeling, though, when she grows up, she'll just be that kid that goes, well, my parents told me at the age of two, so I never knew. And then she might get annoyed she missed out. Oh, God, that's a tough one. It's hard, isn't it? It's really tricky. Do your kids still believe, Rob?

Yeah, but, like, I don't really hammer it home. I was introduced young. We go and visit Father Christmas at things yeah and then it's sort of like should we see if he's been but it's not like a I don't really mention

that he's real I just don't really mention that he's not yeah do you put the mince pies out yeah we put the mince pies yeah so like obviously around Christmas we do

yeah but it's not like I and I don't I really don't agree with and I never do is you only get prints if you're good oh yeah I don't like that

I totally don't do that at all. That's not even a part of it. We just sort of say, you know, like sometimes Father Christmas would bring a present at Christmas. How do you get them to do what you ask though? That's the stage I'm at now. Asking for a friend.

I mean, I'll be honest with you. Maybe when I'm under pressure, I might go Christmas is coming up soon. And I've not hammered it home. Yeah, there you go. I've just said that. And it's up to them to read into that however much they want.

Okay? Yeah. That's on them. Because Gloria is really like, that's the age she's at now where she's really learned to say no. Yeah. Oh, God. We haven't quite got our discipline ducks in a row yet. Oh, yeah.

The discipline ducks are tough to get. Oh, the discipline ducks. Yeah, she quite got our discipline ducks in a row yet. Oh, yeah. The discipline ducks are tough to get. Oh, the discipline ducks. Yeah, she believes in the discipline ducks. If you don't come to the table, the discipline ducks are going to come and peck you. Fucking hates feeding the birds. Running away from puns. But, like, I haven't got that yet.

I haven't got, I. I haven't got... I don't know what to do. And she's really good now at saying no. Like, she eyeballed me the other day. I said, don't throw your food, and she eyeballed me and threw food and just kept on looking at me the whole time. That is a tough age. That's the twos, isn't it?

And you said, can I hear quacking in the distance? Here they come. Quack, quack, quack, quack. This is the good times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Flapping at her, pecking her. Here's what we had in our house for the last... It's just come to an end, luckily,

but about four months ago, we were really happy. Everyone was having a nice time. We went for lunch with another family who were about a street away from us, and they had filter water, right? And my wife said, why have you got filter water? And they said, oh, there's a lot of lead pipes in this area. Didn't you know? And we were like, no, we don't know. water? And they said, oh, there's a lot of lead pipes in this area. Didn't you know?

We were like, no, we don't know. So we went back to our house and Jane ordered a lead test and we had lead pipes in our street bringing the water to our house. And in our house, we had lead pipes that our survey had missed. Right. Oh, right. So we had like a big freak out. Jane in particular was very upset because she was like,

we've been damaging our child. And I kind of, you know, I think like in any relationship, there's like, I tend to downplay things and go, it'll be okay. Even though I don't really know it'll be okay. I find myself going, it'll be fine. Yeah.

Well, it's done now anyway. Exactly. It's not like you're going, no, shut up and drink the water. It's fine. Yeah. We'll get a filter from now on. So we went on bottled water until we sorted all out.

I know we've had all the pipes fitted, but fucking hell, honestly, like looking into it, there's still so much lead pipes in Britain. Really? Yeah. And the acceptable levels, like Jay did a whole lot of research. It's like the acceptable levels in this country are 10. So as long as you've got under 10 in your water, they say it's fine. But the medical associations around the world say five is the acceptable limit before it causes damage.

So Britain is like five behind the rest of the world. Right. Because it just goes, oh, no, it'll be fine. And it isn't. So, like, we've had a whole thing about lead. But the thing about lead, again, through research, is all the symptoms of lead poisoning are all exactly the same symptoms of a toddler turning two. the same symptoms of a toddler turning two. So, like, we found out,

like, we found out about the lead stuff just as going into the terrible twos and, like, having the odd tantrum and, like, getting upset and all that kind of stuff.

And then, like, when you read, like, lead poisoning, it's like, oh, can display violent behaviour, will start peeing irrational. So, like, our battle in the house

has always been, is it lead or is it... Is it lead? She's two. Is it lead or is it that she's two? So she'll throw her food and Jane will look at me and go, it's the lead. And I'll be like, no, no, she's two. She's two. She'll be coming in after nights out off her face going,

oh, she's been drinking the water again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the lead. It's the lead. So we had her tested and everything, and her levels were really very, very low. So we're OK. We got away with it.

So it's just her behaviour and your parenting? It is just that she's a toddler. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that has been the constant discussion is like, is it the lead? Is it the lead? Is it the lead? That's so good.

Is it the lead or is it the lead? It's just two, yeah. Oh, there's going to be so many paranoid people now going straight to lead testing their water. I cannot stress enough. Check your water. It's mad. It's mad. How do you check it?

They send you. You just drink it. If you've got any fillings, it tingles. Drink it for three days. And if you punch someone at the end of it, it's probably lead. Can you plead it in court? Yeah. Genuinely, that is a strong theory,

that people in poor social housing, especially like 100 years ago, had nothing but lead water in their supplies, and it does genuinely lead to violent tendencies. So there is a whole theory behind it. We've all done a lot of reading on lead. You have, haven't you? Maybe it's the next Christmas film.

Lead-based. Well, that's what happens in this one. One of the families has got lead in their water and you have to work out which one. Yeah, it turns into a whodunit. Tom, it's been a pleasure to catch up. I loved it. Lovely to be back on, guys.

Lovely to be back on. What's the name of the film again? It's called Your Christmas or Mine. Yeah. And it's on Prime Video on the 2nd of December. I can't wait to watch it. So does that mean I get it for free if I've got Amazon Prime? Yeah, it'll be on their homepage from the 2nd of December.

I think it's going to be their big Christmas film. Oh, is it? Yeah, it's their big Christmas film for the season. There's a soundtrack out now as well on Amazon Music. It's got an original soundtrack of... Is it on Spotify, Tom? Oh, no, it isn't, no. The soundtrack's out there if you want to find it somewhere.

Doesn't sound like it's worth listening to to me, but there we go. Cheers, Tom. It's been amazing. We've asked that question before about the best... Oh, no, because we asked you about what the... Did ask you about what jane does that annoys you about parenting because now we've added a question of what amazing thing does she do not her but the partner we don't ask everyone what jane does so i don't know if we asked you that before the thing that annoyed you but we can do it again what annoys you about her parents we might have changed over the two years

yeah i think the thing that annoys me is her i mean mean, I know it's... It's probably one of the things that makes her such a good parent as well, though, is, like, the surveillance, the level of, like, never relaxing. Yeah. Like, I'd love her to be able to relax a bit more, but I also know that's part of what makes her such a good parent, to be on constant kind of...

I'd love to be able to switch the video screen off a little bit. That was the best thing, Tom. I mean, her best thing, and it's always been the way when I first met Jane in normal life, is like empathy. Her empathy for Glo is like when Glo's freaking out, she never gets cross with Gloria for that. She just understands why she's freaking out. And it's like she's not misbehaving.

It's because she's just trying to communicate with us. And it makes her such a... She kind of diffuses any situation by being able to be empathetic with Glo. I'm in awe of that because I kind of... I start to try and think, right, I should be telling someone off. My instinct is, I should be telling someone off here because she's doing that.

I've got to tell her off. I'm the dad. And then Jane will step in and just start talking to Glory and being like, I understand you're upset. And this is probably why you're frustrated and empathising with her instead. Before you know it, like, everyone's really happy. And I'm always like, wow, that's pretty amazing that you can do that.

That's lovely. Oh, thanks, Tom. And good luck with the film. Good luck with the film. Ah, cheers, boys. Yeah, I'll definitely be watching. Ah, great. Thanks for having me back on.

Lovely to see you. Cheers, mate. See you in two years. See you in two years. Bye. Tom Parry. Yes. What a great guy.

Love Tom Parry. That was a good one, actually. It was good that we caught him just... Because it feels like they're at the end of baby, beginning of, like, child. Yeah. And it's that really weird thing where the baby's sort of old enough now, but you're sort of in that routine. You want to... Like, the screen needs to go soon.

The mattress is going to come out of the bedroom soon but it's all where it's overlapping where you it's a hard finding that line isn't it i didn't even know there was the option to keep the screen on at all times ours is a movement center or a sound sensor i think yeah ours would just be yeah on until there was a move or a sat no sound yeah yeah but you know because then you get the thing at 3 a.m when it lights up you're like this is bad news yeah, I can't remember when we stopped having a camera, to be honest. I think it broke and we never fixed it. Yeah, we've still got ours. Not with our daughter.

Because I remember there was a stage where you're filming your child and you think, this has gone on too long. It's just a child asleep now. It's not a baby that needs to be... Really, you don't even really sort of need a screen at all. But I don't think my anxiety could have hoped to have no screen. No. From the beginning.

No. If you are a no screener and you've never had a screen, like a camera on your baby, let us know. And let us know how that felt, why you come to that decision, and is it fine and we're over and we're all worrying too much? Because we were big screen guys in our house. Yeah, well, I'll tell you why we found it useful, or do find it useful.

It's like when he goes down, you know you leave him, and sometimes he's shouting, but then you look and he's lying down, and you're like, that's going to be fine. And sometimes he's standing up in the cot, and you can tell the difference by how he is in the cot, if you know what I mean. Yeah, rather than going in, so it does help.

Yeah, so it does mean that you go, fuck him, he's lying down, I'm not going in. Yeah, and they sort of get up, and they jolt up, and up and make a noise and look around and then lay back and go straight to sleep yeah but if you'd already gone in you're waking the baby up exactly exactly rob also as well the father christmas one's really going to divide people and that is going to be a juicy debate on facebook and instagram oh my word it'd be good to hear if anyone has done what tom and jane are thinking about doing i just don't think as a four-year-old I'd have kept it to myself at school.

That's the problem. You start to impact other people. That's the thing, isn't it? Oh, it's a good one. Get in touch. Email in. Right. See you on Tuesday.

See you later. Bye.