Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP39: How is this my job?

Episode Date: December 6, 2022

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Adelaide, can you say Robert Beckett? One, Bob, Beckett. Can you say Josh Whittacombe? Josh Whittacombe. There we go. Adelaide, is that where you are, Rob?

No, but I've been there. You've been there. Okay. Congrats. I've done it already. Done it already. Adelaide. Adelaide.

They call it Radelaide. They call it what? It's Radelaide. Radelaide. Wow. They call it Radelaide. Do you think that's fair, having been there? I like Adelaide.

It gets a bit of stick from Australians, because it's quite a small city. They've got a central business district that comprises of one building. Yeah, I like it. It's very centralised. Yeah. I'm confused. It's 7am here.

7am? Yeah, it's 8pm where you are. Yeah, 8pm UK time. I'm a bit... I'm all confused. How long have you been up, Rob? Truthfully? I'd say seven minutes would be over-exaggerating.

So you thought, I've got to do 7am. What time did you set your alarm clock? Quarter to seven. Quarter to seven. And then you slept through. And I snoozed. You snoozed. I had a little snooze

Astonishing 15 minutes from record time For you know One of Britain's Biggest and most important podcasts You snoozed It's not important Do you think

Alistair Campbell's snoozing Rob? No he's too angry I don't think he's ever slept He's never slept That's why it's so riled Oh yeah Anyway I hope it sounds alright Because I've fucked up The internet connection He's never slept. That's why it's so wild. Oh, yeah. Anyway, I hope it sounds all right, because I've fucked up the internet connection.

Oh, God. How are you feeling? I feel all right, but I logged... I don't know if this is boring. I think it is, actually. I logged into my internet in this hotel and just did the normal hotel one, but the quality's not good enough.

Oh, yeah. So what I've had to do is log on to the conference one on my ipad so that's good enough but i wanted to log into that on my laptop but i couldn't i literally cannot get out of this network now i'm just logged in forever i thought it seemed so i actually went into my keychain josh and deleted some of my same i've been in there mate and I felt like I was coding I felt, I was like wow I feel like Elon Musk, just like

I'm in here, just like changing it up and I still couldn't do it, so I'm talking to you on my iPad What is your keychain, is that all your passwords? Yeah, so what I tried to do was go in and delete my hotel one so that I could go back in, you know when you go to a hotel and it comes up with that weird little page where you can put in your hotel room number or conference or pay for premium i could never get back to that page josh and if i could i could put in the conference code

if you are staying in the sofa tell wentworth in australia you can um if you want the conference internet the password sofa tell18 you heard it from here here he is he's like Robin Hood letting other people you know have the wealth because he's been absolutely done by it look baby

I don't think anyone I don't think there should be barriers to surfing the net no of course now Rob I am incredibly ill and I thought you'd be pleased to know that

oh is this bad, is this bad? So I've got hand, foot and mouth, Rob. Oh, just that fucking ill, Josh. You can't say... I thought this was... I thought you were really ill. No, no, no. No, you can't say you're incredibly ill

and whip out hand, foot and mouth. All right, I'm unwell. I'm incredibly unwell. Yes, thank you. Jesus Christ, mate. I'm very far under the weather. Shall I say Christ, mate. I'm very far under the weather. Shall I say that? Yeah?

You're very far under the weather. Yeah, okay. So, yeah, that... So, foot and mouth, that's like little ulcers and... That's a kid's thing, isn't it? Ulcers in my mouth. So, Rob, last night I got home... Spotty bum.

...about 10 from the England game. I haven't checked. That's not one of the features, is it, Rob? But I do... Maybe I've just got a spotty arse. And it will go at the same time. I will tell you about one of the symptoms down below if you want to hear. Do you want to hear that?

Go on. So have your kids got this as well, or just you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, okay. They've got it off those. Moses has got it. I've got it.

Oh, they've had it. Oh, my God. They've had it. They've had it. And now it's our turn. Well, I was talking to Michael and I didn't know his hand, foot and mouth. He just said, Josh is a bit unwell. Okay.

Not incredibly ill. And he said, I think Josh has given it to me. And I thought, oh, maybe he's got the flu or something or a cold or a bit of COVID. No, you've given us childless man, hand, foot and mouth. The only childless man in theless man hand, foot and mouth. The only childless man in the UK with hand, foot and mouth. To be honest, if that comes out,

he's going to be put on a register. That is so suspicious. That is the top pedo disease. If you've had that, you're basically a pervert. But I didn't catch it for those reasons, just to be very clear, just to be for total clarity.

Okay, so last night I went to bed, I was feeling awful. And I got in bed, you know when your skin hurts? And your skin, and every time, and you're shivering. And every time you move your body into a cold bit of the bed, it's like the worst experience in the world. You know that feeling? And that's normally nice. I like the cold pillow.

Yeah, but no, you're just huddling in the bit that the that's normally nice i like the cold pillow yeah but no you're just huddling in the bit that the body warmth has kept up i couldn't get to sleep rob because i was shivering for 90 minutes i was just lying there shivering oh josh and then i got up i was like i'm gonna have to put on a full outfit here because it's the only way of warming up and i thought you slept in a full pajamas anyway no i don't sleep in just two boxes no it doesn't i get too hot but this time i put on a i put on a t-shirt a jumper tracksuit trousers and socks and get back into bed to get to sleep and a jumper yeah i was freezing all right so not you had a heat did you have the heating on or off

or just that's because of the fever? Oh, no, just because of the illness, not because of the house. No, I'm not, I'm not like, I'm not being tight. Yeah. Right, yeah, okay, all right, I get you. Oh, no, I've just looked it up, mouth ulcers appear. Yeah, I've got that. You probably noticed a rash of small raised red spots on the skin.

These develop on the fingers, the backs of palms of the hand, and the soles the fingers, the backs of palms of the hand and the soles. Oh, the backs of palms of the hand. What's the backs of palms? That's the back of the hand, not the backs of the palms. That's inside. That's an internal. My hands are clean as a whistle. If you say back of palms,

I don't think you need to write of the hands. I haven't got any other palms. I've got the sole of my foot. I don't have the palm of my armpit. haven't got any other palms i've got the sole of my foot i don't have the palm of my armpit have you got any other palms or is that just no no um anyway i've never had anything wrong with my palms and here we go occasionally on the buttocks and groin well the only problem i've had downstairs rob if you're if you're filling in on that i don't be filled in with your downstairs you don't want to be filled in with my downstairs do you know what for so being awake eight minutes i'll take that that's not bad is Filling in on that. I don't want to be filled in with your downstairs. You don't want to be filled in with my downstairs?

Do you know what? Being awake eight minutes, I'll take that. That's not bad, is it? Because I'll sip my coffee. Do you know what? He's made himself a cup of tea. It's kicking in. Here we go.

Batten down the hatches. So, I went for a piss, Rob. I've never had a piss. This is how ill I feel. How is this my job? You know, you just sort of realise, I'm sat at 7am in Sydney, Australia, and this is Lindsay Yu talking about you having a piss.

It feels like we're still backstage at the 99 Club. I don't know if I'd have brought it up backstage at the 99 Club. Go on, you've had a piss. Go on, have a piss. We're all waiting to hear what happens. I've never done a piss with less velocity behind it. It was like a tap when the washer's gone. It was unbelievable.

It was just dripping out. But it was a full piss. But my body was giving it no help. So it was just dropping out. Like gravity was the only thing helping it. Oh, my God. It's those little things in life that you don't realise. It's quite good that you couldn't piss properly. But it comes out quickly.

And then all of a sudden, you're not well. It's just good that you couldn't piss properly. Yeah. Like, it comes out quickly. And then all of a sudden, you're not well. And it's just like drip. Like, was it like a sort of a teeth, like a towel that has been like wrung out? Yeah. You know, just like. Yeah, exactly. It was just dropping down due to gravity.

But the body was giving it no help at all. How did you feel? I'd feel a bit emasculated i think yeah i felt very emasculated actually rob i did i thought i'm mad i thank god i wasn't at urinal but um yeah actually i've always been sort of sort of like low-key quite impressed with the power the velocity of my kiss it's quite a powerful thing to be able to do isn't it how is this job going that you've got rob are you are you a night pisser i'm not a night pisser yet and i'm quite proud of that i've got i reached 39 and i'm not pissing at night do you know what it is it's not i'm not pissing at night like i need

to go it's more like if i get disturbed and i think well i'm up anyway i might as well have a piss you know if the kids make a noise yeah yeah yeah yeah but i've always been a bit of a a regular pisser i've always been a regular pisser as a regular pooer well i piss quite a lot but i drink quite a lot but i don't know if that's some sort of health problem no but i always have because when i was on long drives i always need to go for a wee and stop and i remember my mom and dad going oh no all right again um and i was like oh no i do need to go away and then i remember I remember I had a catchphrase of, but I've got a water problem. I don't know what I used to say there.

This feels like therapy. Why am I still talking? What the fuck? It's too early. I'm too open, Josh. I'm like an open book. I feel so vulnerable. I'll take it back to getting this illness off my kids.

It's awful being ill with kids, Rob. It's so difficult. It's so difficult. It's so hard. They's so difficult. It's so hard. And normally they get better as you get ill. So they're full beans again. And then you're at your worst. So you're working or you're off work?

I took the day off work. So I haven't worked today to sleep it off. Yeah. And then I'll be fine tomorrow, I think. But I had to do the school run because Rose has got it as well so it's not like I can go Rose described me

my approach to illness Rob yes like looking after the first person who's ever been ill which I thought was a bit harsh do you know what there's nothing worse than being ill at the same time as your partner because then it's just like, you,

you both get a bit annoyed that no one's looking after each other. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. I think she was a little annoyed that the, the big wholesome pisser she'd married us now down to a dribble. I think that has probably hit her quite hard.

But apart from that, she's expecting that big, powerful guy, Josh, that big, I remember seeing that bursted on the scene and all of a sudden now she's got

old Dribble old Dribblecum she's working every morning by the sound of my massive piss rock but now there's nothing to get her up

there's nothing now unless you get oh that was her alarm clock you was a cockerel in the morning just that big jet

like but now he just... Do you know what? I've always thought about this. Because you'll get older, your body does sort of do things like this. We will eventually... The sad thing is, Josh, we will never piss with the same velocity as we have. It will always get weaker as we get older.

But I used to think... Because we're all like old blokes. When they sort of like... You know when an old bloke sort of finishes if he's having a sexy time i sort of it must get to a point where like that calms down and it just turns into like a little like just a little puff of air you know i mean like you're 70 i don't think i can even achieve that today, Rob. So if you went off and had a wank, you'd finish with a... But my skin's so painful, Rob. It would be one of the worst experiences of my life.

And also, if I get any coldness on my skin. So I don't want to expose my penis to the cold air, Rob. That's my main issue. I mean, if you want, this is now, it's quite cautious, but if you are masturbating and your penis is cold, you're doing it wrong. I've never been in that situation. Oh, I'm a bit cold.

That's the problem now, Rob. I'm in an awful situation. I'm not well. Oh, Josh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're not well. It's all right. How long do you feel better Can you take anything

Or is it just No Paracetamol Paracetamol's your only hope really Oh really Okay But I went We went to

We went Now I should do a Should I do a trigger warning Is it a trigger warning A We're going to talk I mean what after what you spoke about already I think it's late

I think that was the spot we made Do you know what Rob I was about to say If you's late. I think Tom's about to... Do you know what, Rob? I was about to say, if you're listening with your kids, we're about to talk about Father Christmas. And I thought, if you're listening with your kids, you need locking up.

If Father Christmas is the last of you, you are allowed to talk. I just don't know. This is obviously an adult podcast. People listen to their kids. I can't... I think older kids like it, don't they? Yeah.

I don't know. It's their choice. I don't even do that. It's all body functions. I watch Sopranos at 11. Yeah, but you can't just say it's all body functions and talk about wanking, can you? I've just been sick on my wrecked cock.

Whoa, baby, it's just body functions. Chill out. My dick's hard and I'm sick. Relax. Oh, God. I'm closer to dick's hard and I'm sick. Relax. Oh, God. I'm closer to being sick than having a hard dick. Anyway. Sorry.

Start my new poem. Now. Go on. Oh, Lapland. Exciting. I went to Lapland. Is it over in Ascot? No, it's in...

Your first time? It's in Finland. Oh, sorry. Sorry, yeah, it's in Finland. Yeah, sorry. Sorry about that. I got confused because it felt a bit like I was going to Ascot, but then when I got transported to Lapland, Finland,

I did get transported there. Yeah, exactly. I would say it was absolutely magical. Oh, it's good. Luckily, I think my hand for a mouth might have been kicking in. Oh, my gosh. You can't start wiping that round. No, I wasn't. Lapland has got a busy schedule. Do you know why I think I might have been kicking in because every time you can't start wiping that round no it wasn't land he's got a busy schedule do you know why i think i might have been on well rob because every time i saw you know they've got those little kind of houses in the woods that

were the elves live in yeah every time i saw one i thought i'd love to be asleep in that yeah yeah yeah i don't remember wanting to go up in that with a wood fire listening to the shipping forecast don't you love you love being snuggly rob yeah i i love it rob i absolutely love it and that's what i kept thinking what's your dream day josh what's your dream day say like the kids are like grown up so they're grown up they're at uni or whatever right and you're not working much what's your dream day what are you doing it's winter it's christmas it's week 21st of december your kids are grown ups what are you doing 21st of december yeah it's not really christmas but go i'd go out for breakfast i'd go for a walk yeah god i'm old do you want to know how old i am just as a digression

as a digression as if we haven't already been on it for 20 minutes. How old you are? You're pissing like a broken tat, mate. I thought I lost you. You were just laughing. Sorry if that hurt your skin while you laughed. Oh, God. My skin.

My poor skin. This is how old I am, Rob. When I was lying in bed shivering at midday today i was just listening to different episodes of a podcast in which gary kemp from spandau ballet interviews old musicians and i was thinking this is the only thing getting me through that's how old i am who is he talking who one's Gary Kemp He's talking to Simon Le Bon From Duran Duran Because I'm 50

I met him at Jonathan Ross He's a top bloke He came across As a very nice bloke Came across As a very nice bloke Do you know This is how

Working class I am Josh I knew Gary and Martin Kemp Yeah As the people That played the Kray Twins And then I found out They were in Spandau Ballet Of course

Great Great Great I love Gary andorham Camp. I love Simon and Bond. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. Right, yeah, so you're going for a walk. What was I talking about?

Your snuggly day. Oh, my dream day. But it's difficult because if I'm ill, I can't imagine myself being well. Do you know what I mean? That is... Sorry. If you ever actually got properly ill, you'd be so shit at it.

But conversely, if I'm well, I can't imagine myself being ill. No, exactly. I'm quite good at resting up in bed, I think. Though Rosa disagree. She's currently making three rice cakes. Just over my shoulder. Oh, really? What's she putting on the rice cakes? She's currently making three rice cakes in the just over my shoulder oh really how

what's she putting on the rice cakes she's not making rice cakes that's too hard of breakfast you know about that in my fucking life how are you choking that down with wholesome mouth

it's dinner it's dinner oh god oh yeah it's night time there because she can't have any strong flavours yeah but surely

the texture's too rough that is bleak isn't it she can't have any the only thing I've eaten today is gummy bears and cheese on toast, Rob, and a Lucozade. Can you ask her what you've been like for the listener and me? Rob wants to know what I've been like.

I said that you said I was the first ever person to be ill. What do you think I'm like as an ill person? I mean, as you would expect, quite pathetic. Pathetic? In what sense? Well, when you... When I told you to take some paracetamol,

you opened your mouth. Like, you wanted me to give you the paracetamol in your mouth. I think that's fair. I think that's fair. Like a seal with a fish. She doesn't do it. You opened your mouth. And then she put it on the bedside table and then she went out to get me supplies and I

didn't get around to eating the paracetamol because I was too, I was worried about getting my arms out from under the duvet. That is pathetic. And when she got back, when she got back, I was like, I've got to get this paracetamol down me otherwise I'll know I've done it. Oh God. I set them all down. We otherwise would know.

I've done it. Oh God. So if your children are listening, you know, it's on you now. Yeah. So the first thing they send a letter to your child saying they're invited to Lapland. And it says like, you've been such a good child that you're helping.

You've been asked to help Santa, which was lovely, but caused his own issues. you've been asked to help Santa which was lovely but caused its own issues because my daughter started to wonder why her two best friends hadn't been sent one of these letters yeah I don't I'm not a big fan of the

I think we need to change that with kids it's not that you've been good she was like they're good as well and I was like yeah they're not good enough I didn't say that I didn't say that yeah well I do think that in general not just with Lapland might need to be tweaked a bit with kids I didn't say that I didn't say that Nice Yeah well I do think that In general Not just with Lapland

Might need to be Tweaked a bit With kids Because it's Kids can't afford stuff It shouldn't be good or bad Yeah I tried to edit the letter

A bit as I was reading it Yeah So there wasn't as much good But she And then That also backfired afterwards Because I was like We'll go next year

And she said What if I don't get a letter Next year And you're like Ah well I You will get a letter Because year? And you're like, ah, well, you will get a letter because I'm on the mailing list, so I'll know when the tickets are released. Having a kid before they can read is a bit like being a controlling state, you know, like a dictatorship.

You sort of like edit stuff like you're in charge of the social media. And I'm like, no, no, no, just get rid of that bit. Let's not see that. Edit that out of the TV coverage. That'll be fine. But then they can start to read, and then you're in charge of the social media. And I'm like, no, no, no, just get rid of that bit. Let's not see that. Edit that out of the TV coverage. That'll be fine. But then they can start to read and then you're screwed. Oh, I'm worried about it. They are.

So it was incredible. It was so Christmassy. I loved it. I wanted to live in the huts, as we've discussed. Yes, it's cool. So when we were driving to Lapland, we were going down the road to Lapland, and it was a 30-mile road mile road rob and i was going 27

the guy behind me i was going 27 in a 30 he started flashing his lights not in an ambulance way in a dip you know when they bring them up from dip and then just overtook me and sped away and i thought where the hell is he going and he just went to lapland and you're like who's in that much of a rut literally we were 50 yards from Lapland and when I got in the queue to get in the car park he was the car in front of me and I was like what is wrong with this guy why is he so desperate to get to Lapland also so once you get there you sort of all hang around together in a big group don't you it's not like first first come first serves exactly exactly there was I was worried at the start, Rob.

Because in the first room, there was, like, some entertainment from some elves. And they picked an adult out of the crowd and called him Grumpy. And I thought... Oh. And they made him do, like, a thing. And I thought, I mean...

I thought, if this happens to me, this is going to be the worst day of my life. I was thinking, this is going to be camera phone hell for me people watching me being bullied for being grumpy at lapland absolutely but luckily i got away with it you're not grumpy though it's weird you look like you're grumpy but actually you're quite childlike and excited about things yeah when you're getting to it totally i loved it i absolutely loved I loved it. I absolutely loved it, Rob. It was magical.

It was incredible. Bought too many jingles. That was a mistake. Yeah, you have to keep the magic going. You sort of have to pay for... So they say buy some jingles

because that's what you spend in Lapland. And then you get into the shop and there's a car machine. Yes. Yeah. So you could buy jingles. I've got 25 jingles here burning a fucking hole in my pocket

you need to i think you need to explain what jingles are more it's more like they're the currency of lapland yeah and the exchange rate is one to one one pound per jingles you can give the kids little jingle coins to go and buy sweets or whatever it is they want to buy but you're just tapping are you just tapping and go well i just i ended up with 11 jingles and i found a jingle when i got which was annoying yeah um but your wife wants it yeah so pardon oh pardon sorry you've been away a long time rob yeah i have actually i'm actually still there oh Oh God. Yeah. Oh God. Oh my four year old. That sounded really sinister.

My four year old said, cause she doesn't really understand time and distance and stuff that much yet. She's only four. She went, daddy. I was like, and she's still got that tiny little bit of a baby voice, but not.

And she's still saying like, so it's like, so it's like wasp all wary for raspberry and things like that. And it's slowly going and I'm not dealing with it very well, Josh if i'm honest with you it's horrible i'm just she went daddy i went yeah and she said when are you coming home i was like oh my god i went oh and at this point so when this goes out i'm sort of home i'm sort of home in like a day or two i'm almost might be home actually when this with this goes out and but it was 11 days when she asked me i was like oh it's 11 days and she went is that soon and i was like relatively and then she was like so she went are you on your way to the airport now and i was like

imagine two weeks of school how quickly does that go that's what you should have said, Rob. When you're four, it takes for fucking ages. Ages. Two weeks at school. Ages. Oh, sorry. I've gone off on a tangent. I couldn't help thinking of Lapland, the amount of...

How many of these people have lied to schools? And how many have fessed up? Well, yes, because... So, basically, to go Lapland, it can be quite expensive if you go sort of right by christmas but it gets a bit cheaper if you go like november time like you did and it's especially cheaper obviously during the week in school time before the schools break up yeah so there is yeah there's definitely a few people because i was thinking yeah because your daughter started school

so did you yeah did you go across school cleared it up cleared it with the school rob oh they allowed her to go fair enough yeah they've got to be flexible i think the cost of living crisis as well they've got to be flexible because it is like massively different in price for holidays as well to see santa you're yeah that is a like a one-off day to go and see santa come on yeah exactly in reality you reality, you'll work out reading at some point. Exactly. You've only got a fortnight's time. So I can keep controlling the message and coming into the house.

Yeah, control the message. These sheeple children, the old mainstream mum and dad in the house, churning out the shit those kids need to hear to keep them controlled and pending. I've just realised that I'm in a hotel and there's people next door that can probably hear

the shouting oh that's fine they'll just think you're some kind of right-wing shock jock I'm sort of right-wing podcaster and they'll be right um I said I'm saying she went back into school today. Oh, right. Told her friends that she met Santa. One of them, one of them said she was lying. Oh, okay. Who's this bitch?

The other, the other, the other said, no, she's telling the truth. Right. Okay. That's good to have a bit of balance. Yeah. But I think because of older siblings, isn't it? Older siblings is if you're, if you're a five yearold and you've got older siblings, they're going to know. They're going to know.

Well, we talk about this on Fridays. It was quite a Santa-heavy week this week, but we talk about this on Friday as well in quite a lot of detail, which will be interesting to hear people's reactions about that. Because it is a hard one, isn't it, when you've got older siblings and then if there's kids in that school, it's a mine one, isn't it? When you've got older siblings and then if there's kids in that school, it's a minefield, isn't it? But luckily it's sort of,

by the time it comes round and all the questions come up, we're back in Jan. The heat's off. Do you know what I mean? It's like, you know, like when a prime minister's in trouble and it all starts boiling up, but all of a sudden something turns up

and you can just switch it, you know? That's why they try, you know, the war in Ukraine, cost of living crisis. Yeah, January is the war in Ukraine. Just it. it turns up that you can just switch it you know yeah it was that's why they tried you know the war in ukraine costa lucar january is the war in ukraine just it's the war in ukraine for father christmas yeah it's a political distraction my daughter went skating for the first time oh yeah she did it's a weird one rob so one of her character traits is she's incredibly determined, right? Okay. Which is good and bad, just depending on the situation.

Right. It's good if she's doing homework because she just finishes it. She's like, I'm doing this to the end. Oh, that's good. If she's ice skating and she can't get the hang of it, and you're thinking, I've only got an hour and a half here and I want to go and spend some jingles, and she's saying, I'm going to do a third lap with a penguin yeah otherwise i'm going

to flip out that is a bad situation she was basically pushing a penguin around an ice rink for half an hour looking furious that she couldn't get the hang of it merry christmas everyone wouldn't let rose push the penguin with her to give her any momentum. She was just... You know, have you been in a gym and seen, you know, when they have that sledge that people push in a gym? Yeah. It was like watching that for half an hour on the ice.

Just her pushing this fucking penguin at one mile an hour around in a circle. Did she manage it? Well, yeah, she got round, but just by time more than anything. Like, she was just, you know, like when you're walking through water, like that speed, that kind of, when you're wading through a swimming pool. You're in the water, he's on honeymoon, and you're just walking through, soaking it up, at that slow, fingers in the water, slowly wading through the water,

and she's doing that on the ice rink. Yeah, exactly. It didn't feel like that. Me and Romesh are doing an ice skating special for Christmas. Oh, yeah, how's that going? Genuinely, I've never seen anyone so bad at ice skating in my life. Was Romesh? Yeah, and it got to the point.

No, I'm a deeply average, functional human that can stand up on it and move about and occasionally... You know Jane Torville? Yeah. No, not personally. I've not been to the Snowman premiere. No, I said you know Jane Torville. I didn't say you know Jane Torville.

Do I? No, I don't know her. But no, I know her. You must have met Christopher Dean, haven't you? Never met the man. Do you know what? I've not really been on that ice skating celeb vibe really i've never really crossed paths with them um but yes harding sorry no let's not get bogged down in mid

80s ice skating turmoil no exactly but yeah i'm not a big fan of ice skating though it's a lot of for not a lot of fun and it's hard work and it's slippy and it's not i think it's quite a nice day if you're like in your mid-20s and you go mulled wine and you go ice skating you go around a bit and go should we go for a mulled wine instead or whatever but children i don't think it's a fun fun thing do you yeah i remember um just before coming out of a relationship in my mid-20s rob going ice skating to try and you know put the passion back in kickstart

what was the dying embers of a relationship we went ice skating I was bad but I thought we were having a great time because she was teaching me to ice skate

and then when we were having our breakup chat I was like but we had so much fun ice skating and she said it was awful I didn't get to do

any ice skating because I was just going around the side of the ice skating rink with you trying to keep me going. Well, that's very much what Rose is going for at the moment as you sat there, mouth opened like a PEZ dispenser wanting a little paracetamol popped in your mouth like an ill dog. What a life.

What a life. Oh, dear. Oh, God. Back in the day, I was 25. I want to hear more about you breaking up with someone. I could piss at top speed in those days. I'll tell you that for free. I'll tell you what.

She didn't know what she left that girl. You had big, powerful piss. Look at you now. Dribbling away to bed in your jumper. Oh, dear. Comfortable trousers. How was the Father Christmas bit at the end? Because sometimes

Bumped into another comedian Oh yeah And bizarre Bumped into him When neither of us He said where he was So I went to see him And I was like

I just popped over to see him Because it was more effort To get all the family across Yeah His family were in the sweet shop And so It was quite weird Because it was just two men

In their late 30s Early 40s Meeting in Lapland With no children it must have looked quite an odd kind of yes it wasn't like that james gill wasn't it is that right yeah yeah james good guy um also his kids and your kids were elsewhere so just two men in the corner of lapland chatting outside pumper nichols cafe just chewing the fat do you know what i would if i well i'd be interested to know if i bought one ticket as a one adult man ticket and just went there in a mac and sunglasses didn't do anything wrong just followed the groups around enjoyed the experience sat on santa's knee and told me what i wanted would would that work would that be allowed to make the gingerbread would you be allowed to

make because only the little people are allowed to make the gingerbread? Would you be allowed to make the gingerbread? Because only the little people are allowed to make the gingerbread. I've paid my ticket, mate. I've paid my ticket. I'll make as much gingerbread as I want. I'm going to stuff a snow leopard. Thank you very much. Yeah. Yeah, no, I just enjoy Christmas.

There isn't an age limit on Christmas, okay? I'm just a 45-year-old single man in here alone making some gingerbread, okay? So don't you judge me. And then it all finished with Father... Oh, you go past the reindeer. Yes. Where Rudolph is asleep. Yeah.

And you can hear him snoring and see his nose glowing. Yes. My daughter was disappointed. Obviously, I think that's a very good way of doing it. I was quite impressed that they'd done that. But I do worry that next year when the same situation is presented to her she's gonna get annoyed that rudolph's not really bringing it yeah i do think that it's like it's difficult

though because the other option is and i've seen it before at places that i'd say are a little bit more shoddy and not as well done the reindeers nose yeah and you're just like that you or they literally just starve like a red ball on their head nose. Yeah, and you're just like that. Or they literally just stuff a red ball on their head with a bit of elastic. You're like, that's not okay. That's just not good. I thought it was a very good way of doing it. Yeah, so it feels like, oh, that's magic.

No, everything's done really well there, to be fair. But yeah, go on. And that's the main thing on the quality. Father Christmas was fucking out of this world. He was incredible. It's like pacino i told you last time yeah do you know he was so you know when you see someone who's really good at something and it makes you think maybe i want to do that with my life because this is brilliant it made me go am i going to become a father christmas in my 60s because this guy

is fucking incredible yeah but i think what you see it'd be fun to do, but like... I bought it. You bought it, yeah. His house was warm. It was nice. He, you know, he gave them all the information. It was cosy. It was great.

It was magical. It was incredible. Oh, brilliant. Well, I'm glad you had a good time, especially... I'm excited for you now, Josh, because your youngest is getting a bit older. You can start to do stuff that's a bit more manageable. Yeah.

Where before it... She's going to her first panto. She's going to her first panto on Sunday. You're buzzing, aren't you? You're loving life. Look at these, all these little activities. You're driving your car, you're going panto. Josh, Victoria Park's going to be a place of the past for you.

I can sense it. Well, she's going to Hackney Empire. That's a 10-minute walk from our house. That's okay. We won't focus on that. That's nice. That's all right. That's great. That's good. Sure, it might be a. That's nice. That's all right. That's great.

That's good. Sure, it might be, but, you know, as long as she doesn't buy any crack on the way with her jingles, it'll be a lovely little walk. Who's in the panto at Hackney? It's not Starcast. It's like a kind of, they sell it on, this is a really good panto.

Right. I like that Because you know because sometimes you can get A TV celeb that sold it on That maybe is phoning it in slightly It's not going to be of any use to her If Sue Pollard's in it She's not going to care It's good for the parents isn't it

Oh I'd love to see Sue Pollard live don't get me wrong She's a right love I've interviewed her on radio too She's bonkers she's amazing I'd love to see Sue Pollard live. Don't get me wrong. She's a right love. I've interviewed her on radio too. She's bonkers. She's amazing. I beat her on Pointless, mate. I've never seen someone misunderstand the rules of Pointless so much.

It was absolutely unbearable. She was a lovely woman though. What I was going to say is we've got Anton de Beck in Bromley at our one, which I think is pretty good. Oh, that's good. Oh, and also it's got, I think what can people

message in just messaging your location and the celeb what the celeb the niche of the bear so pontifract howard from the halifax adverts you'd hope he'd be halifax wouldn't you it's a lovely theater halifax as well halifax oh that would that's that's what you want well there's things that is difficult though because sometimes some people look like anton de Beek doesn't live far from Bromley, he can commute, but some people literally end up staying in Stoke. Joe Swash stayed up in Stoke for four weeks when he did it. Oh, my word.

Yeah, like, I remember seeing Gok One listed for the Plymouth one when I went down one Christmas, and I was thinking, that is, Gok One is either doing a very big journey on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day, or he's having a really lonely Christmas Day. Well, that's what I think, and I always think, like, well, because that's the thing, isn't it? The ones further away, I think they pay a bit more money. Jonathan Wilkes is doing Stoke, but he lives there, doesn't he?

He's Robbie Williams. Yeah, well, he's Robbie Williams' mate, yeah. Yeah, this is a fun game, this. Give me a city, come on. Should I... Well, I'd love to know Plymouth. Plymouth, here we go. Plymouth, Panto.

Would you do Panto? I don't like the idea of working a lot around Christmas. Here we go. No, I agree, but... But Shane Ritchie in Plymouth. I think it would be fun. Oh, that's a big... That is a big sign.

Is that Plymouth Theatre Royal? Yes. That's a Oh, that's a big, that is a big sign. Is that Plymouth Theatre Royal? Yes. That's a big name, isn't it? That is a great sign. He'd be great. I'd love to see Shane Ritchie. Well, I saw Russ Abbott in the Plymouth Panto and he absolutely destroyed it.

I can't remember who I see. He did a bit where he spoke really fast for a long time and I lost my mind. It's just because he spoke fast. Because, you know, when someone just, he just did this kind of thing where he spoke really fast for ages

and I was like, this is entertainment. At that moment, I went, I want to do this for a living. Oh, Mark Little is, is Mark Little? Joe Mangle?

Yeah. Jack of the Beanstalk, Middlesbrough. Lovely. What about Torquay oh here we go this is fun isn't it oh you could

I could make these up I'm loving it I could make I could make them up and you'd go yeah that sounds about right here we go you would never

ever and I mean no disrespect yeah you would never ever have thought of Mark Little yeah I'd be giving you 30 years Beppe DeMarco

Plymouth Beppe Beppe DeMarco. Plymouth. Beppe DeMarco. You just make him up. Gary Lucy. Torquay. No, Torquay. I don't think Torquay's got one.

But I do like the ones where... I also like supporting ones when they're like just a really good, well-done panto, like you're doing at Hackney, because that's good as well, because then they're really well-acted. No, I'm not saying mark little's not bringing it do you know what i mean or shame richie he's gonna deliver but it's very much a different type of panto sometimes when it's oh and can you imagine the rush when anton de beck bowls out of the bromley churchill when the kids see him and he does a bit strictly is on oh of course if he ain't dancing i'll be livid well that was funny when someone's brian connelly when he was trying

to cast cinderella it was like because he plays talking to Brian Connolly when he was trying to cast Cinderella. He was like, because he plays buttons, doesn't he? Is it buttons he plays? And he says, when I try and cast him, I don't want anyone too young because he looks like I'm a dirty old man. But if I get anyone too old, then the kids don't think he's a princess.

Just, I can't wait. I can't wait to see Brian Connolly at 83 playing buttons. Absolutely smashing it with this confused-looking 38-year-old princess. And another Cole Smith. Life. Oh, dear, we've really gone on a tangent. One more theatre. Let's find out.

What do you reckon? Somewhere, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Carlisle. I don't know if Carlisle is going to do Panto Carlisle Panto the Sands Centre surely that hasn't got Panto in the Sands Centre

this is a great one it is they've got one the Sands Centre I did that the other week the Sands Centre it's sort of like a sports hall place isn't it

it is only yeah it is yeah here we go what's his name it's the thingy guy playing Aladdin it's Marcus Collins from X Factor.

That's a great one. Oh, nice. Marcus Collins. Nice. I always thought he was great, you know. I was surprised he didn't do an Olly Murs, Marcus Collins. Shall we do some correspondence? Yeah, I've got one here.

I mean, Rob. Yeah. If we did a slightly shorter episode because my skin hurts, would people be angry? I think you should fucking shut your mouth, have your paracetamol,ol and do your job and stop whinging your fucking snowflake doing your job is i'm not expecting you to go panel beating mate or hot carrying you've got to sit down as i read an amusing story to you so how about you just shut the fuck up and deal with yourself yeah is that okay is that all right i've gone piers is that a no let me read this here here we go you'll be all right mate you'll survive to be fair it is

night time there and i'm just waking up i'm raring to go let's do another episode yeah i'm fucking pumped now morning josh and rob i just wanted to tell you something that happened to me a few years ago when my little girl bella was two. I was taking her to Spain to visit her nanny and granddad, just me and her. So I was prepared with lots of snacks, books, toys, etc. I laugh at this now. All I needed was my phone to entertain her. Anyway, she was sat in a seat next to me whilst waiting for everyone to finish boarding. So I gave my phone and she was she was just looking through photos i turned away

to put my bag above and when i looked down she has managed to open my whatsapp and has obviously just pressed random buttons but autocorrect had changed these random letters to the word hijack what no i mean all of the bloody words if you wrote that in a sitcom, people would go, you can't, that's just not going to happen. That's too astonishing. That's incredible. And we were sat on the plane. She had sent this message to a friend from work

who I knew was flying that day and then panicking was trying to call me. So a friend, this must be bollocks. Then she tried to call me. i grabbed the phone in a panic typed we were fine and quickly turned my phone off in case mr5 were on to us mad that it does sound like bollocks in it but that's the beauty of real life baby so funny that is great well you know it's gonna happen that is that is incredible love it right um i've got this story as well a boomer story but i think this story should be named My Grandad's a Prick

Okay Boomer stories are swiftly occurring Yeah, it's sort of More and more brutal I'm finding it quite troubling It used to be like It used to be like He put loads of Marmite on my toast

But now it's like Yeah He left me In a field overnight with some wolves I've not seen my dad for 20 years, and he walked past me yesterday and spat in my face. Oh, classic boomer. Okay.

Hey, you two sexy, relatable guys. You'd like my boomer story. When I was four years old and was about to turn five, my grandpa started to tell me he was saving up hard for my birthday present. Every time I went to see him, he'd tell me he'd been saving more and more. Obviously, when my birthday arrived, I was so excited to see him he'd tell me he'd been saving more and more obviously when my birthday arrived i was so excited to see what he'd got me on the big day he presented me

with an empty box i looked at it and did not understand he told me he'd been saving up holes from polo mints and holes from donuts for ages and put them in the box oh my god i was gutted i'd been given a box of holes a big fat nothing it took me a long time to recover from that he thought it was hysterical and every year he asked me if I wanted to say him again thanks Angela can I get some off my chest Josh I hate people with shit banter it's people that think they're funny with a shit I literally i've started calling people out on it now and just you know because what happens is people do shit jokes like that and it's too awkward to go that is shit and you're an idiot you have to go oh yeah yeah oh what are you like

what are you like if anyone has ever said to you what are you like the answer is you're a prick and they don't like what you've done. But that's the British response. Oh, God, what's he like? And then he's like, yeah, then I gave her this big box for the holes. Fuck off. Not what you like. Just don't. If you're not funny, that's fine.

Just don't try to be. I cannot do sexy and I don't even try. I'm just a bloke who's quite endearing and that's how I get by. I've not got it in my locker. Some people are not funny and if you're not, just back out of it and just leave it to other people. I wondered where you were going with that.

I didn't understand why you'd suddenly gone into the sexy riff. It was like Rob Beckett had short-circuited and gone onto a completely different topic, but now I understand. But being funny, it's like that. Some people are just sexy. David Beckham is just sexy. He's a sexy bloke.

There's nothing you can do about it. It's the way he is. Youosh you're a funny little fella you've got your silly little face you're really pathetic when you're real you've got your floppy hair and you get all confused and stressed about things you're a funny guy do i want to fuck you no i don't josh but that's not your fault thanks it's not your fault what what i just get really annoyed by parents that because they've got... Even when you've heard about my penis today. I don't know, actually. I think it actually makes me feel quite powerful. I think that'd be quite good seeing your pathetic little dribbly dick.

Oh. Sorry, I've gone weird. I need to go home. I need to go to the UK again. Yeah. I've been here too long. Do you want to know an inappropriate joke I made to Rose? Yeah, go on. We were changing our son

who's 18 months old. Pardon? She took his nappy off. Oh, nappy. Changing his nappy. I thought you were swapping him out for someone else. Oh yeah, yeah. That's the headline news. I thought I'd leave it to the after we talked about who's on Panto in Middlesbrough. Anyway. A couple of hours ago we were changing his nappy.

I was keeping her company while she was changing his nappy. Keeping her company? Well, I was like, you know, we like to get to hang out together. Okay. Fair enough. What? The spark's still there, Rob. Yeah, sure.

Anyway, it wasn't after I said this. I'm thinking about changing his nappy later. Do you want to come with? Maybe get a glass of wine on the go. So she was changing his nappy. She took his nappy off. Yeah. And I looked at his tiny penis and I said,

that's what my penis looks like today. She didn't laugh. Hello? Hello? You know what? The didn't laugh is so telling isn't it if anyone says out loud that my penis looks like that whatever whatever they're talking about it could be so massive could be something small could be inanimate could be like a bottle of water or something that you're sort of it's

sort of like quite funny but the no laugh is such a married both ill thing isn't it Half is such a married, both ill thing, isn't it? Oh, they piss. The velocity of a child's piss is unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah. I'm so jealous. You'll be all right. Well, Josh, look, we're going to wrap this up here,

but fingers crossed you start getting that power back in there. Back in the bladder. Yeah. Every time I have a piss now, I'll be thinking of you. Oh, thanks, mate. Thanks. Yeah. I'm already imagining the people that I know listen to this podcast who have spent the whole time having to imagine my penis.

At its worst. Can I say, there is... I literally couldn't be imagining a smaller penis at this point. I don't have to imagine, mate. It's just nothing. It's just nothing. It couldn't be further from its prime today. It looks like a skin tag in my mind. You know those little skin tags,

those weird sort of fleshy bits that like, just sort of there, and they get caught on your t-shirt at some time. That's what I'm imagining on your groin. Yeah. Yeah, it's not ideal. But I'll fill you in next Tuesday on how it's doing. It's making me happy, though.

Thinking about it. I'm glad. I'm imagining it. That's what this podcast is about. In front of you, Ryan, just holding. Holding you little. Sorry. Okay.

I've gone weird. Right, Josh. Small business shout out. Small business shout out. Small business shout out. So we've got this penis that's trying to wee in East London. Right, small business shout out. And then we'll let you get back to being ill.

Okay. But well done, mate, for not well. And also well done to Michael for putting a shift in. Well, the thing is, when you're not well, you do think this is going to be a good episode because people love me suffering. Normally the hungover ones are fun, but I haven't drunk in quite a while now, Rob. So this is the best one. I've not been drinking that much. I think my tour manager's a bit disappointed.

Yeah, that's bad. His main knowledge of you is the Euros. And you turn up and you're like, hang on, one beer in bed. Yeah. Do you want to get up for a walk 9am tomorrow? Have a little look about? Yeah, okay.

Right. Let's have a look at this. Small business out here we go i've got one here hi guys love the podcast i wanted to write in to shout about the amazing small business i work for we're a tiny team of four with the two founders being parents of three young kids and we run an aerial circus school for kids and adults in south london we run term time kids classes half-term workshops summer camps and family workshops from our london studios plus lots of adults classes too aerial circus skills are an amazing non-competitive way to keep fit and have fun and be creative kids will learn aerial skills hoop slings slings, and trapeze, plus much more. Our class is from age 7 to 16 for kids, and there's absolutely no experience necessary. You should definitely come to one of our family workshops with Lou Rose and the kids.

Thank you so much. I know it's South London, but there's nothing to do with me. No, of course. You look at me and you think, I bet he's on a trapeze every other Thursday. Not for me. Never done it. But they're on Instagram. It's at flyingfantasticyouth.

www.ffyc.co.uk. So their Instagram is at flyingfantasticyouth. If your kids interest in circus skills. But yeah, give it a go. That'd be fun. I'm going to say it. I do apologise that i've just found the shortest one because of my mental state hey guys shortest one or your penis oh here we go

if someone's up that's not a reference to my penis um hey guys i honestly love the show in my head it's just a foreskin at this point sorry my pants is as well secondly can you please give my wife's business a shout out and follow so paul rose she's she's basically the smallest cocked comedian in the country that looks like a young elton john only for today only for today and for today and then it'll go back to averagely small she has started a very i wouldn't go that far very very cool circular economy business model for everything baby item related from push chairs to breast pumps everything is rentable and all housed in beautiful and easy to use app at the tot loft tot is t-o-t the tot loft is her business and needs all the help and support

possible from the parenting community cheers there we go good luck yes i look forward to seeing you next time see you next time i'll be back in the UK on Terra Firma. You'll be back in Blighty. Big up, Blighty. Ready for Christmas. Pumped and ready to go. Great, great, great. Right.

Hope you feel better, mate. Cheers. Bye.