Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP40: Adrian Chiles

Episode Date: December 9, 2022

 Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant author and presenter - Adrian Chiles. Adrian's new book 'The Good Drinker: How I Loved To Learn Drinking Less' is out now. Thanks, Rob + Josh. We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Ted, can you say Rob Beckett? Not Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Widdicombe? Not Josh Widdicombe. This is a two-year-old son. This is my two-year-old son, not a two-year-old son, Ted.

Not sure why he took offence to your names, but he enjoyed recording this so much that when he drifted off to sleep tonight, he was still repeating, Not Whittington. Not Whittington. Not Whittington. That sounds like some kind of awful, repressed memory.

Thanks for being great company on the nursery run, Emily. Oh, thanks, Emily. I'd like to be clear, I've never met Ted. Not Whittington. Yeah. Shall we do some bloody correspondence? We should, actually. I'd like to be clear, I've never met Ted. Not Whittington. Yeah. Should we do some bloody correspondence? We should, actually. We've got a great guest.

But we've got loads of emails coming, so we should do them. We get so much email. I'm getting so many messages on, I think, Spotify Wrapped is starting. You know when they sort of tell you what you've been listening to? That's sort of gearing up, and it's loads of people that've been listening. Yeah, I never click on my Spotify Wrapped because I'm so worried about it. Why? It's going to be Paw Patrol heavy this year.

People had been sending me how many hours they've listened to the podcast. Someone's done 36,000 hours. Oh. That can't be right. No, it can't be. How would you do it? What, that many hours? I mean, fair play to them.

I've listened to three hours of the Rock On Tours podcast and I'm struggling. And I love it. I'm just about to start the Noddy Holder one. What is going on in my life? Hello, Rob and Josh. Oh, God. Go on. My mum died.

This is a one-show style mood change. My mum died in 2015, two years before my son Tom was born. And I always talk about her. And although he never met her, he always knows about Granny Jules. Oh, that's nice. Didn't Granny Jules have a hit with Cover of Mad World

in Donnie Darko? I don't know that reference. Bit of a stiff film for me, mate. That was Gary Jules. I've watched Jules 3. Something for everyone, isn't there? When he was about two, I left him with his daddy, and off I went to visit a palm reader.

I didn't mention anything to anyone except my husband as to where i was going when they were driving somewhere together in the back of the car tom suddenly said mummy is speaking to granny jules right now my husband was so shocked and asked what he meant they're having a chat and she's with her now is what he said i was in the palm reading appointment and my mum came up i love that my son sent something and often tells me she's in the lounge with us or something i'm still waiting for her to grant me wishes like she promised but it's a strong start lily from norwich i don't know whether i want to be haunted by someone even if i love them thoughts yes yeah i agree i, palm reading as well. Maybe you can get more information in Norwich.

Obviously, they've all got six fingers, so the palm's bigger. Oh, here we go. Good stuff. Lovely, thank you. Come on. Good stuff from the man from Kent. What's wrong with Kent? Kent's not inbred.

No, no, I was just saying, like, you know, being snotty about the backwaters like Norwich or Devon. Oh, right, fair enough. Norwich is actually a really good city, but it's got a bit of a bad press. Great gigs gigs always one of the best tour gigs unbelievable but I don't I think Alan Partridge is to blame yeah because like for our generation it's like what do you think of the pedestrianization of Norwich he associate Alan Partridge with Norwich but actually it's quite a cool fun city but you think of it as sort of like an old old bloke yeah exactly so

maybe they need to sort that out. Maybe they need to sort it out. A lot of people we know went to uni in Norwich, Rob. Did they? It's such a boring thing to say because they're not people that... Oh, no, no, no, keep going. No, no, no, keep going. I'm really into this.

Go on. Yeah. My agent went to uni in Norwich. Oh, great. Yeah, that's good to know. And she went to uni with Greg James. Oh, for Radio 1? Yeah.

Oh, okay. Fair enough. That's actually quite good. Now you're interested. And John Kearns was at uni with them. Oh, for Radio 1? Yeah. Oh, okay, fair enough. That's actually quite good. Now you're interested. And John Kearns was at uni with them? Oh, good comedian, John Kearns. He's got a kid as well. We should get him on.

That's it. Oh, I'd love to get John Kearns on. Are we just doing admin now? No, no, no, no. I've got some correspondence as well to share. Go on. This is my friend Emma at uni used to, instead of blow-offs, you know,

I said blow-offs and you reckon no one else says it. She used to use Fluff-A-Pinky. You Yeah. She used to use fluff-a-pinky. You what? She used to fluff-a-pinky. But I don't know if that's a thing. Fluff-a-pinky? Fluff-a-pinky? Yeah, that's what she used to say for farting.

I don't know if I like that. Fluff-a-pinky? Surely it's a brownie, isn't it? What, your bum? Oh, God, the what? Yeah. I don't know. Sorry, Rob.

Sorry. And do you know what? Sorry to Adrian Childs as well. He's all right. I'd say my bum hole's more pink than brown. I don't look't look I clean my ass Josh yes so do I my ass not your ass yeah so it would be more for us as two white men it would be pinker than brown surely okay yeah I can't get around there to look my worry is after Tuesday's episode yeah people have gone should we just skip to Adrian Charles one? This is a bit coarse.

And then this has happened five minutes in. Well, I tell you what, you come around my house, you look at my bumhole and I look at your bumhole and then we'll report back and then leave it there.

Good idea? I'm so glad you're in Australia. Okay. Right, here we go. This is a good one. Children hurting adults. We're talking about kids when they hurt their parents.

Hi, Rob and Josh. I think this is the most serious injury we've had. Hi, Rob and josh listening to your episodes where you spoke about injuries received from children and brought back what i can only describe as ptsd i'm sorry about this chris he's saying this in jest though don't panic when my oldest son now almost five or three he was playing with his toy cars on the floor and wanted me to make him a tunnel so i put my feet up on a footrest to create the required tunnel. This lasted about half an hour before he suddenly decided to climb on the sofa next to me and

dive onto my legs, landing square on my left knee, which resulted in him breaking my leg and destroying my knee. Oh no. Oh fuck. After multiple surgeries, my knee was finally put back together, but has now resulted me in developing osteoarthritis in the knee that is severe enough that I'll need to have my knee replaced by the time I'm 40. Currently 37. Oh, Chris.

Oh, my God. Oh, Christopher. Oh, my God. Big fan of the podcast. There's always a place for you on the last leg. Well, not if you're still there. Fully able, to a degree. Bed blocking.

Bed blocking. Bed blocking with all your limbs. Can I say something quickly, Josh, about Australia? Basically, they give us, the palms, the whinging palms, so much abuse about not being able to deal with the heat. And since I've been here, it's been terrible weather. Not terrible, but for them, it's terrible weather, right? And it's been like 18, 20 degrees, okay degrees okay yeah still don't know what that means but yeah they cannot cope with any kind of cold the amount of puffer jackets I've seen in 20 degrees

are an absolute disgrace I'll take the kids down to the beach in 20 degrees in the UK and they've got like north face jackets on in 20 degrees it's insane they just can't handle it also i can tell you this about australia i did a gig in sydney the day that england beat wales yeah so that game was on at 6 a.m and then i did a gig at 8 p.m that night there were some people in that room that were absolutely shit-faced they'd been drinking since 6 a.m and the show was great the first half was excellent second half was really good but as i was trying to get into my rhythm they were just so pissed i kept on shouting out but they weren't even making sense but they've just been on the booze all day from 6 a.m oh god oh god rob you

know it's all right though you've traveled across the world to avoid those kind of people and there you are again that flies around shit you can't escape your own josh you can't shake your audience you cannot shake who you are own it right i've got a boomer story then we can do here we go boomer hey lush pots that's a nice intro just a little tale about my husband's boomer style parenting relayed to me by my stepchildren on a ferry trip back from france approaching customs he did a passport check and was horrified to tell his middle child age eight he'd lost her passport the only solution was to pretend to be a doll horrified but obligingly she sat rigidly what a

doll yeah so she went he went to her just pretend she's a doll she sat rigidly non-blinking fucking nora this is great propped up in the corner of the car, being a doll, whilst they rolled past the officials, passports safely in the glove box. Yes, he's a lunatic. Oh, my God. She now has a panic attack at passport control. The problem is, it is quite funny watching someone pretend to be a doll,

but not a child. You've got to look at the long-lasting consequences. This is not okay. Exactly. Maria, I hope you're a doll. To come back to the last leg, it is not okay. consequences. This is not okay. Exactly. Maria, I hope you're... But you're dull. To come back to the last leg, it is not okay. No, it's not okay.

It's our catchphrase, Rob. Is it? Oh, yeah, of course, yeah. It is not okay. I'm always watching it. I know that. Unbelievable. For God's sake.

It's been on 12 years, mate, isn't it? Do you know when I went to Australia, I was told that Adam Hills was like the Graham Norton of Australia. Yeah. You get there. Do you know who the Graham norton of australia yeah you get there do you know who the graham norton of australia is who graham norton they've got graham norton he's just on the telly it's just it's the same bloke doing the same show it's just in australia should we bring on adrian charles um yeah let's bring on adrian charles a very good interview

this good bloke i could listen to him for ages I love this you know what I had him down as sort of like oh TV presenter does a bit of sport but he's amazing and he just sort of seems like a bloke doesn't he but he's so charismatic and quite charming

and really interesting like when he talks you just want to listen the whole time I thought it was great he's really thoughtful and like has really interesting angles on things

you're not going to expect from anyone do you know what I mean yeah exactly but he's a really good bloke really interesting I'm fan of charles love charles um right well here's adrian charles enjoy hello adrian charles how are you all well thank you thank you for doing this we're very excited to have you on at the start we'd like to ask how many kids have you got what's your setup kids wise my setup kids wise is two daughters yeah age unbelievably 22 and 19 you know all that stuff people tell you about oh it goes quickly

my god that's true is it yeah when i first spotted it was when my daughter went to secondary school my older one and she went from sort of one day not being allowed to cross the road on her own to another day just having to get on a bus, a tube, and a bus to get to school. And at that moment she's gone. And about a month later, I was on the bus, you know, four or five in the afternoon. Some girl's gone on.

I thought, oh, that's Evie's school uniform. And then, okay, hang on a I thought that's Evie's school uniform and then I mean that isn't the face and ran upstairs when she saw me so for one minute she can't wipe her own ass the next minute she's avoiding me on public transport it's just incredible and then the game's gone from that minute they're gone you might as well wave goodbye they're're off. You'll see them briefly when they drive past you, when they've passed their driving test, and that's probably the last you'll see. Oh, God.

You strike me as well as an emotional man who, and to say that, I'd include myself and Rob amongst this, that would struggle with that, would have loved the connection with the young children, and that is something I know that I dread. Is that a fair assumption? Oh, yeah. And the worst for me, actually, was when they went to university. We took the first one away to Bristol University and dropped her off. I cried so much that one of my contact lenses fell out.

And I didn't have my glasses with me, so I was scrabbling around on the seat of my car looking for the missing contact lens. And I was just bored for about an hour. And then when the second one went, which was only just over a year ago, it was even worse. It's just...

Oh, no. It's truly appalling. I've got really bad for good when their kids do go to university, actually, if we can get on to that. We don't take it to be made what to say to them and what not to say to them. But anyway, sorry, I'm interviewing myself. No, no, I'd love to hear that. That'd be perfect.

Hit us up with that. Well, just that before we go to university, the one thing, not that university is compulsory or everyone should want to go and do it, i think that the thing we always say is oh you'll have a brilliant time yeah oh you'll have a brilliant time stupid thing to say because we don't know yeah you're going to have a brilliant time to be fair i don't know what you're saying instead yeah but you know what you're about to do will not be easy yeah and you might not necessarily have a brilliant time because you might you know three weeks in you think more i not necessarily have a brilliant time because you might, you know, three weeks in, you think, well, I'm not having a brilliant time.

There must be something wrong with me. Never again in your life will you be thrown in with a load of complete strangers and compulsively told to have fun, have a brilliant time. And everyone tells you it's the best part of your life as well. It's a lot of pressure, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. It's too much. Did, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

It's too much. Did you have a brilliant time at uni, Adrian? Well, I didn't have a bad time. I found it difficult at first, and then I did. I was doing the wrong degree, which, you know, which didn't help. I did English. I never quite got to grips with what I was supposed to be doing. You know, i also self

scheduling i just needed more focus i think a bit of doing law or something i was interested in it but you know at least would have kept me out of trouble you know between sort of nine and five most days as opposed to just six hours a week but in the light of taking my second daughter off to university we had a just after that happened to have a bit of a reunion for people I went off to university with in 86, 87. And I was asking them about, how were you? You know, what do you remember of that first year? I was genuinely astonished.

They said, I'm not my best mate. Oh, I thought I knew really well. He said, I mean, I didn't really feel settled until the end of the second year. I just found it sort of traumatic, really, until then. You know, everyone's sort of kind of put in a brave face on it. And I think what's, you know, what makes parenting, I think, probably harder now is, you know, the constant contact that you can have with a mobile phone.

When we went to university, there was one phone call you had, you know, once a week you'd probably call on sunday on a pay phone or something yeah and that'd be it and you had to sort yourself out in between now suddenly if i can't get hold of my daughter at 10 o'clock at night you know i'm thinking what's happening to her is she all right you know we're much better off being a baby in the head in the plan not being able to find out whether she's all right i I mean, this is let alone going off, you know, traveling around the world. Oh, God, yeah. In my day, you'd go off somewhere, totally isolated. And that was good for the soul. It was good for the parents and good for the kids. Now, there's probably nowhere on earth where you can't get a bloody phone signal.

You ring them, they're not there. You start panicking and, you know, they'll get clinging to the side of a mountain in the Andes or something. You know, it's just... I'm traumatised by the whole thing. Are they enjoying uni at the moment? Yeah, yeah. But one's left and the other one's not having a great time now. But, you know, it just struck me when I dropped the second one off,

just looking around, looking at them and just seeing fear in the poor kid's eyes yeah so I just think it's the point of me mindful of I've got so much parenting advice to spend so I'm willing just to keep talking for an hour that's fine Adrian can I just ask one question about uni because I say this as someone who um at university in my halls was Jack Straw's daughter, which was very exciting. How much cachet do you think, and how much do you think they're saying that their dad is Adrian Childs? I think it'd be a badge of shame. I mean, with blokes they met probably more

because there's a lot of football connection. Actually, my younger one the Strictly Christmas Special which went out on Christmas Day last year so that was quite a big deal I think she was very glad she was obviously at home for Christmas Day when it went out and wasn't dealing with it then. Did you clear it with them? I didn't the Christmas Special came about very quickly I had been asked to do it properly a couple of times before, and they both went, absolutely not. Absolutely on no surface.

No way. So that was pretty much ruled out. Oh, no. I mean, occasionally some lad will come up to them pissed and go, oh, your dad's a legend, or a Bristol Rovers fan or something, and they resolve never to speak to that young man again. Well, you must be heading to sort of those weird wilderness years of kids where, like, they go off to uni,

and the last thing they want to do is hang around with their parents, and then they sort of reappear when they've got children or they start settling down and bringing boys home and stuff, because that's what I was like. I sort of disappeared from the family as i went off to gigging and stuff like that and then you sort of come back is that what's sort of making you a bit emotional do you think yeah i mean that makes me jumpy because i sort of miss them yeah but then god's got a way of dealing with that because what he also facilitates is a constant stream of requests for money so the phone goes now i'll just go how much and what for and even if they try to dress up how you doing yeah i'm fine

how much and what for occasionally it's just for a chat more often it's not but you know my mom you know my mom's 83 and i mean she says to this day she only sleeps properly if me and my brother are under the same roof, you know, which hardly happens at all about one day a year. But to these days, it feels like that. What a sleep, though. What a sleep. What a sleep to look forward to.

If your daughters do ring and ask for money, though, do you go, well, you know, I can't really afford that at the moment, but if I did strictly, then there would be more money available for that trip to Thailand. Well, I've tried that. If I say they want me to take them somewhere and say I can't, I'm working, then I kind of have that speech. Yeah.

The thing, trouble is, in their early teens, I was extremely successful and earning a lot of money. throughout their teas i've progressively got less successful and learning considerably less money so you know i suppose it's difficult for them to adjust to that but they're gonna have to adjust to it i don't see you as a that almost came out as authority figure it seems unfair i don't see you as an iron fist i see you as wanting your children to like you the school of josh widdicombe is that a fair summation i think it is i mean i quite seriously often wonder how much of it is just luck really i mean beyond teaching your kids the rudiments of good manners you know hello goodbye please thank you etc so beyond that i just think we kid ourselves that we can influence much at

all i you know i happen to have been lucky with my kids for example you know they worked reasonably hard at school you know but if they didn't what what am I going to do? Stand over them, lock them in the room, you know, you're not going out, you know, not give them pocket money. I just, you know, attitude to parenting is find a bucket of sand, put your head in it, cross your fingers, and then just hope for the best. I think that's a good tip. Did you always have that freedom with it? Or did you discover that over time?

Oh, I don't know. I just thought everything I tried to get them to be interested in to do, I sort of failed to do it. You know, it just never worked. Are they West Brom fans? Yeah, but trying to get them to come to the football, I mean, they just, the older one would never have it at all. The younger one came for a bit and then wouldn't come again i was interested in the younger one came for you know a good few

matches but then decided against it and um a woman i sit with when she did bump into my daughter again so why don't you come anymore he said i quite like being there it was just the thought of being there which was so terrible and i realize it's the opposite with me it's the being there at the game I'm usually miserable but you know it's the thought of being there that excites me or rather the thought of not being there that appalls me so it goes the opposite way around for them but I think the thing I valued most about again, I don't think this is down to me or their mother, is that they really knew how to have a good time, but also worked hard, worked quite diligently. And this is something it's taken me years to realize, is that when my older one went for a

GCSE results, I always remember, for some reason, I wasn't nervous going up to get them. It wasn't because I thought she was going to do well. And it wasn't because I wasn't concerned, if you see what I mean, that she was not going to do well and not got the results she deserved. And then while she'd gone inside to get her results, we were sitting outside in the car, a woman came past whose daughter was in the same class as my daughter, but her older brother had just got his A-levels. And this lad was a bit of a wronger. He'd been done for pot smoking or something.

He'd done no homework at all or anything. And he'd got four A's at A-level. Right. And I just thought, that's it now. That lad is going to have a problem because the lesson he's learned in life is that he can wing it he could not do much and succeed if you're not careful that's a very bad lesson because sooner or later and i don't know about you you like me would have met a lot of very successful people in a lot of different fields, footballers, entertainment, politics, whatever. What everyone's

got in common is that for long periods of time, they work their arses off. Whether you're Roy Keane or Tony Blair or Frank Skinner or whoever, comedians also really worked hard at it. All those small things. it's an absolute bloody grind whatever you do now if you haven't had experience of that grind and shown an aptitude for it you know then you're going to struggle so in retrospect i think the reason i was quite relaxed about my daughters is that she'd shown me the important thing already. Never mind the results. She'd shown me that she could work.

She could get her head down and work. Now, if you've got that, you will succeed in something. Now, maybe it's not academia. Maybe it's not anything I want to succeed in. But you would end up having some success. So if you can instill that into your kids somehow, then that is the biggest thing. So it's all this in they teach you at school.

You say, oh, it's not your results, it's how much effort you put in. And we think, ah, bollocks. And we all probably yearn to be the kids who did no work, did all the shagging, took the penalties for the school football team, ended up head boy despite being a rascal, did no work, got four A's at A level and went to Oxford. It was actually a bit overrated, to be honest, Adrian. I found it quite tiring

sometimes I didn't have the energy to score the penalties, I'd be shagging so much you know what I mean I'd like to say Josh was loving those 90s references of Tony Blair, Roy Keane Frank Skinner, that was like pink for you wasn't it Josh? Oh Adrian preaching to the choir there.

Absolutely my wheelhouse. Thank you very much. Adrian, obviously you're a massive grafter as well and you work really hard. You've written all these books and stuff. Like you said, when your daughters were like teenagers, you were like, you was all over the telly. It felt like you was on everything.

You was on like sort of daytime TV, sports stuff, all over it. What was your schedule like then? Was it difficult to sort of see them as much because of the workload? And did you want to set an example i think actually the beauty of live telly and i did live telly sort of every day but you know more than 20 years is that though you've got to be there to do the live telly you sort of to some extent you go in you do it you sort of cock it up and then you go home again yeah so yeah it takes a good deal of time then you know making one documentary which takes weeks or months to do depending on what it is involves being away from home the whole time and then you've just got an hour of television at the end of it are you

telling me you didn't do eight hours prep for each episode of the one show um are you telling me you got through that without being across all of the topics in detail? Sometimes I did, yes. I must confess that sometimes I was a bit macadazical. There's no way Ronald Keane's across all the detail, is there, surely, at the moment? No, I mean, you can do too much for The One Show because in the end you just...

Yeah. Every interview was just sort of... It took three minutes and you had three questions. And after a while, I lost the art of conversation. I couldn't speak to somebody in a pub for longer than three minutes. So, you know, question one, question two, question three, right, thank you, off you go, next person. It was interesting going into doing sport on telly, you know, half time, you know, what do you think, Roy? What do you think, Paul? What do you think you think Lee Dixon and then into the ad break so actually when I went back into doing radio where

you got 10-15 minutes interview I felt the blood flowing back into my veins really because you know you you know you go into this business to ask people questions and so it was just nice to feel that again although when I was doing football and half the stuff I've done since, actually, my daughters have had absolutely no interest in whatsoever. You know, when I was doing the one show, you know, they'd want to come in and meet One Direction or somebody or other. But now I can't really sort of offer them access to anybody. What about Josh? Do they like Josh?

Could you introduce them to Josh? Would that help? I don't know whether you're in their demographic. I'd have to ask them. I won't take offence. I won't take offence. Be brutally honest. Do you think they've heard of me, Josh? Yes, I think they probably have. I couldn't tell you how, but I think

they probably have. Yeah. Okay. What about Rob? Do you think they're fans of Rob? I wouldn't go as far as fans. I think they probably would be aware of your work and be admirers of it i would have thought there we go we take that rob i'll take that i couldn't guarantee it can't yeah exactly you can never guarantee it in this business okay all right hey jerome's got school like what is it you miss most about and being a bit younger than obviously now they're women and they're out learning at uni and stuff like there's

moments you pine for when they were younger? And is it like rose-tinted glasses or did you find it tough when they were little? No, I wish I'd... I think the most difficult time is when they're sort of two or a bit less, when they've just started moving around. And they've stopped having that morning snooze to give you a bit of respite. But they're a danger to themselves because they've got no brains but they're running around getting themselves into all sorts of trouble then it's hard but you know i really wish i mean this is what i'll say to myself on my deathbed about

my whole life you know i just wish i'd enjoyed it more yeah a lot of life is about repetition you know doing the same thing over and over again and drawing some enjoyment from it and some meaning from it. I mean, even if you're doing the same kind of gigs, you know, a priest doing the same sermon, you know, Mick Jagger doing Sympathy from the Devil, you know, each time he does it, he does it like it's his first time or it's last, he gives it everything. Well, I'll say the same about raising small children. Yes, you know, changing nappies and you know you think you're out of the terrible twos then all of a sudden you're back in them and all of that you know i just wish i'd immerse myself this instead of praying for every day to come to an end you know to really think well this won't last forever you know i'm getting

on the go it's so it's so hard though when're tired. You are like my ghost of Christmas future, Adrian. You're the ghost of Christmas future. I know that I'm going to be saying this to someone, these words, in 20 years' time, but I can't stop myself looking at the clock and thinking an hour and 15 minutes until bedtime. Something came to me. I can't remember why this came to me.

I was on a train. I was filming something in Cornwall. And this Tweenies song came back to me. I mean, did your kids watch the Tweenies or was that before your time? No, we don't have the Tweenies. Yeah, before our time. They're a bit more into Bluey now. They have some great songs, the Tweenies.

But there was one particular song. Yeah. Under the Sea. I remember it because it was one evie my older one one year one christmas she was sort of ill with something or other all over christmas and we just sit and watch the tweenies hour upon hours that under the sea song came up all the time i put this song on but found it on spotify on the tray and it's just tears rolling down my cheeks oh god this is me this is me i This is me.

I started texting Evie. I sent her a link to it. I said, I'm crying my eyes out. She said, a thing? Well, what the fucking hell is the matter with you? It was just too much. And the other one I remember, because the joke was that, you know, she's the younger one's all emotional and the older one's like tough as old boots,

which, you know, isn't quite there. But in the Wallace and Gromit film, The Wrong Trousers, there's a bit where Gromit gets sent outside to the kennel. Yes. Because Wallace has got a new friend. And so Gromit's in this kennel. I remember even being surprised that my daughter was about seven or eight or something.

She was just watching it, and this big tear was rolling down her cheek. And I thought, even to this day, it just stops me in my tracks. You know, I thought, oh, God, no. No. And then I texted her that the other day, and she went, what the fuck now? But she does remember being upset by it. But, you know, it's just those little moments. Oh, God.

But in a way, do you love disappearing to those moments? Like it's kind of pleasure-pain thing, right? It's kind of sad but warm nostalgia. Yeah, look, it's a version of that you know grief is the price of love and i mean we're not yeah grief here but you know if you haven't got that stuff to look back on yeah then something's wrong and you know i do genuinely regret not spending more time with i mean not so much to do with work, but, you know, I spent an awful lot of time following West Brom around the country.

I kind of regret that. Much as I had a great time. I wish I'd have spent more time with them. But, you know, we still had plenty of great times. I suppose being divorced didn't help. They were eight and five when I got divorced. But, you know, they were always just right around the corner, coming and going as they pleased and stuff. So it was as pain-free as it could have been.

Oh then so was it quite a sort of easy to sort of work out when you could have the kids and stuff like that because it can be quite difficult can't it? It was never easy but it wasn't an issue do you know what I mean I was always but you know it doesn't stop you being wracked with guilt about it but you know we all get on very well you know me and you know they it doesn't stop you being wracked with guilt about it. But, you know, we all get on very well. You know, me and, you know, it's fine. I remember there was a real moment when I think Evie must have been about 12 and she was round my flat and a bloke came round who was a mate of mine who had daughters about the same age.

Very nice, very friendly guy, rather posh. and he goes, oh, hello, Evie. He goes, how often do you come round here? And she looked at him and she went, well, whenever I want. You know, it just, what kind of question is that? And I just, you know, some great weight lifted off my shoulders at that moment. Oh, yeah. She can come round whenever she wants.

That's nice. The other side of that coin is that she can not come whenever she wants that's the other side of that coin is she can not come whenever she wants yeah yeah you know and we know we've all ended up in a good place i mean food and money is what they're interested in before mainly because i can always yeah for them but you know we do have a good time there was a talk at their school about raising teenage children teenage teenage daughters particularly. And this woman, I mean, talked a fair amount of shite, but this psychologist, however, she's made a couple of really good points.

One was, you know, forget everything else. Everything else is secondary to one thing, is that make sure they get enough sleep. I mean, I think that's for adults particularly for you know children young teenagers whatever the other thing she said which was she said don't ever begrudge them the time that you're in the car with them you know a lot of parents go on the taxi service but i say because increasingly that's the only time you'll get them to yourself yeah that's and i think that is really really important also in terms of talking about trivial stuff or more important stuff the massive advantage to being

in a car with them is that you're not facing each other yeah you're looking elsewhere do you know what i mean so it hasn't occurred to me till recently like going out for a walk as well you've got i'm not confrontational if you're looking at each other but it's just somehow easy to communicate like that. And to this day, you know, I'll say to my older daughter, you know, who's well into her 20s now, I'd say, I said, you're going out for something to eat, so where are you going to go? And so we'll go, you know, we can go to a curry house around the corner

for me in West London in Chiswick. And she said, no, no, let's go to Kentish Town. And I said, well, why is it you like going to the place in Kentish Town? She said, oh, it's just a good distance. Just being in the car together, even if we don't talk and just listen to Taylor Swift loudly you know we're still in the car together she just loves being different places by me you know yeah being in the car together it's just I know it's just a nice thing happy associations oh that's nice you speak to people and you just get a lovely feel for how much they care about

parenting do you know what i mean yeah and i get that so much from you i want to talk to you about your book uh the good drinker how i learned to love drinking less you gave me a copy when we were in the bbc and we bumped into each other yeah i've started reading it i'm loving it adrian i won't claim that I've read it to the end. I'll be honest with you. Everyone's got a book out at the moment, Adrian. No, no, no. I'm on one a week.

But I've only said this to one other person. I'm going to finish this, Adrian. I very rarely do. But I find it absolutely fascinating. It's a quote from Rocky, isn't it? Do you want to give us the kind of, give us the elevator pitch of what this book is i mean the narrative about drinking is that you're either something called an alcoholic which in the idea of clinicians doesn't actually exist as such the idea of alcoholism where you have one drink and you

have to drink 200 and then you wake up in a skip or whatever. You're either that or you're a perfectly normal, moderate drinker. I just thought it was problematic where I was drinking every day. I couldn't bear the thought of a social occasion without drinking. Yet how could, you know, and it didn't look like what people would call an alcoholic or didn't look like a problem excessive drinker. But the fact is, how could I not say I was dependent on alcohol in some form? And what I've stumbled upon was the fact that a lot of drinkers are in that category like me, drinking far too much. But because they don't

resemble the alcoholic, inverted commas, of caricature, then they think they haven't got a problem. Well, in fact fact if you're drinking up to 100 units a week as i was regularly then so 100 units a week yeah 100 units which is you know just so just to kind of there is a chapter about units but just to give people uh who aren't aware of how the unit thing works how would you translate that into drinks i mean it's not half as complicated as people claim to find it is but you know basically a unit is half a pint of weekish beer or a very small glass of wine or a shot of spirits, right? That would be, you know, one unit.

So, you know, I, four to five early evenings a week, I meet my mate in the pub local, have a couple of pints, then get on with the rest of the evening. Sometimes we stay a bit longer and have a bit of wine. Now that gets you to sort of 25 units in a week quite quickly. But on top of that, a day out at the football, a couple of proper nights out and maybe a bottle of wine with Sunday lunch, you're very quickly getting towards 100 units.

You know, because you're drinking every day. Yeah. In essence, what I worked out that if I lined up all the drinks I've drunk in my life, in like 40 years drinking since I was 15, it'd be three miles long. Bloody hell. And, you know, that's a lot of poison to put through your system. But what I came to thinking was if I look at how many of those drinks I really wanted,

needed or enjoyed or got anything out of, it's about a third. Yeah. You know, two thirds, just pointless drinking, just drinking because I was out, drinking because it's what I'd always you know two thirds just pointless drinking just drinking because i was out drinking because it's what i'd always done drinking because i had a bottle of wine to finish drinking because i was with this mate with whom i always drank or because the pubs weren't closing for another hour or or whatever and i just stripped away the drinks i wasn't really wanting needing or enjoying and then just left with the ones that I did value what I thought was really good which I read in the book that was such a good point was

you say there's a lot of people that have a problem with how much they drink but they're told your only option really is to stop drinking because that's what the kind of alcoholic would do or that's the way the only way to control drinking and your kind of alcoholic would do, or that's the way, the only way to control drinking. And your kind of point is there is another way, which is to cut down and kind of mindfully, moderately drink. I mean, I think, you know, this idea of alcoholism has got very deep roots, you know, and in fact, we're all on a continuum from, you know, heavy drinking to the sort of wake up in a skip kind of drinking. And my point was because

we got that deep idea of it as a disease theory where you've either got this disease or you haven't then partly because of that you think the only cure for the disease is to stop completely and a lot of people don't seek help for that reason because they think they're going to be told no you've got to stop completely now for a for a lot of people, it is appropriate. You know, I wouldn't question anybody who stopped drinking completely. Fine, go for it. But for others, there's a lot to be said just for moderating and just realizing, you know, it's a really important fact that drinkers like me, you know,

the serious drinkers, one of the big lies we tell ourselves is that everybody drinks like us, right? You ask a big drinker like me, what percentage of drinkers, not of the whole population, what percentage of drinkers drink 14 units or less, which is the recommended maximum for safe drinking? Most of them will say, oh, 1%, no percent. The fact is, it's 70%. Is it? It's 70%? Yeah, it's 70%. And even allowing for's 70%? Yeah, it's 70%.

And even allowing for a vast margin of error, it's more than 50%. Yeah. Right. Most are drinking safely. Yeah. So we're the outliers. Yeah. Big drinkers, we're the outliers.

And once I realised that, I just thought it's one less excuse to drink with impunity, to sit there in the pub where it's easy to think everyone is drinking like that because other people will be yeah sit there and just well everyone drinks like this the 14 units thing is a lot of bollocks and they don't know what they're talking about yeah so if you think the 14 units thing is bollocks fair enough but don't tell me that everybody drinks like us because they just don't it can it can creep up on you a bit especially when you've got like young kids and stuff and you finally get my bed and you go oh i'll have a glass of wine or crack open a few beers and then because that's your routine

every night you could have three or four beers every night before bed and not think anything of it oh well i just i realized that you know i was drinking more with every decade that passed and then i noticed some of my friends were drinking less. Now, when I met some of my big sort of drinking friends from my teens and my 20s, when I met up with them, we'd go for a drink like we normally did. But then when it came down to it, I realized that's probably the only drink they had that week. But I was drinking every day in between. So, you know, i remember how this was

and i had small kids is that there is that moment you've got them off to sleep you've read the story they're asleep you go for the wine you go for the beer thinking like you know i've earned it and you know it's obvious point but it's habit forming and that consume the more you do it the more you need and i mean i used to when i took mine out for a walk in the stroller or in the the thing where they hang off the front of you I mean I you know I said go off one I'll go down the pub would you with them start you're from I'd have a couple of early pints or a pint and then you know the locals you know old blokes or whatever would sort of coo at my daughter and the Polish barmaid would swing it around a bit and all the rest of it.

You know, it was just that was part of my routine as well. Wow. A friend of mine just had a baby. And the only thing they can put off Spotify that would pacify the baby was gentle pub chatter. There is such a thing on Spotify. Rather damning of them. So gentle pub chatter is what would put the baby off to sleep.

That might work for me. Yeah. Your daughters are drinking age now, so would you enjoy, like, I always think that's quite an interesting thing. Would you go to the pub with your daughters? Is that how you'd socialise with them? I'm always angling for that. I say, let's's go for a drink but they're always kind of reluctant i mean they do drink not to a massive extent i don't think you know we do have the odd drink and stuff but you

know they're not going to sit in a pub with me i mean they're out occasionally but it's not their ideal of fun i don't think i just rather go for the drive round. The one way they can guarantee you're not going to drink, get you to drive. Yes, exactly. I mean, just taking the younger one to university and then the older one started work. You know, in both cases, you know, I'm thinking, God, you know, alcohol is such a big part of it, you know. How do you get on if you don't drink going off to Freshers' Week

and all the rest of it? How do you get on if you don't drink going off to Freshers' Week and all the rest of it? How do you get on if you don't start, you know, when you start your first proper job? How do you network and stuff if you're not drinking? Yeah. And I still, I think it's a real shame. I write in the book about, you know, when I first started working at the BBC, I mean, the reason I got on is that my old boss,

like Paul Gibbs, took a shine to me. And he took a shine to me because he got to know me in the three weeks there. It was a work experience. And the reason he got to know me because I went drinking with him in the evening. It wasn't that he was a massive drinker. It wasn't even that I was. But if I didn't drink, how would I have formed that relationship with him? Yeah.

And so would you say, like like because in the book you say about how much you drank but you didn't ever like feel drunk or you kind of got that point where it wasn't good i was just too good at it that was my problem didn't get hangovers really didn't misbehave you know nobody around me i mean i get sacked off by all sorts of people for all sorts of different things but nobody said oh he's a drunk he drinks too much yeah yeah but i didn't really ever get drunk you know and i did stupid things but you know i did stupid things without the benefit of drink as well as sort of with it there's a former tory mp randomly i played golf with some charity day and i told him what i was writing about and he said oh yeah i don't drink much it's i'm blessed with hangover yeah and that's exactly the right way of looking at it because hangover is you know

it's one reason to put the brakes on it's god's way or nature's way of telling you you know slow down a bit here if you don't suffer from that you know crack on on you go yeah i've massively stopped drinking just because i cannot deal with the mornings with the kids it's actually like you know completely impossible to get through the day but like you say if you're not getting hangover then it's there's nothing to put you off is there no that that's right when your kids were tiny were you you're not good hungover are you josh yeah because i'm the same as you rob i cannot get up with kids at half six, having drunk the night before and not being a kind of well of self-hate. Did that bypass Adrian Childs? No, I had a bit of that.

But again, it was because I was an actor. And I suppose it wouldn't have been easier if I'd been drinking. But it was difficult anyway to get my sorry ass out of bed. And if I can avoid it, then, you know, I'd let my then wife do it. Although I think I did my fair share of getting up, although she out of bed. And if I can avoid it, then I'd let my then wife do it. Although I think I did my fair share of getting up, although she would contest that. But what I couldn't get my head around was that at some level, subconsciously, when I had babies, I must have thought that somehow they didn't get up on weekends and bank holidays. They didn't wake up at six in the morning

then. That's what I found difficult to deal with. You know, during the week I could get up because I had to get up anyway. But what do you mean? You wake up screaming at six on a Saturday and a Sunday as well. And when we're on holiday. Yeah, two weeks on holiday. What madness is this? And then you took a job where you had to get up at 4 a.m., Adrian.

I know. Like you got a job where you're getting up on daybreak. At what time are you getting up then? Yeah, well, I know I'd, you've got a job where you're getting up on daybreak. What time are you getting up then? Yeah, well, I'd grown up by then, mercifully. And daybreak was so bloody miserable, I'd be more than happy to be at home with screaming babies vomiting all over me. Yeah, you know, holidays particularly, I think,

are so hard when you've got young kids. You need a different word for holiday when you've got young kids. Just a new place to experience your life. Yeah. You get to go to bed at 7 o'clock with them and just live on airtime the best you can. What age do you think holidays got good? Because I'm currently a one and a five-year-old,

and I'd say it's not the peak day periods to enjoy holidays i would say until well i mean it's about your youngest ones i think you've got five or six years yet to be honest so the youngest ones are six seven years old oh my god five or six years i'd say four or five i'd say take one year off that just try and keep morale up josh but at least a solid three to four years before it'll be fun again oh god i mean yeah oh god it's it's as you say it's the mix of wishing your life away and then being sad when it's gone yeah i mean that's exactly right so we take them off to the son somewhere and it's just you know i don't know why we do that because i don't think the kids particularly enjoy it.

Okay, you can go swimming all day and night. You spend most of the time slathering Factor 200 all over them. And then it's hot at night and all the rest of it. I think, I don't know what you're better off with, just a, you know, a bracing beach holiday in the UK, if you can afford it, I suppose. But the flights as well. Oh, what a trauma they are. Dear God.

What was your worst flight? There was one, we got a Croatian, like a monk Croatian, and just this young old one screamed all the way back, despite being basically drugged at the other end. And then literally the moment the wheels touched down at Heathrow, we just completely out like a light and couldn't be raised. I am exceptionally understanding if there's a screaming baby. Oh, yeah.

I've obviously been there. You know, it's hard. And, Adrian, are you excited about the potential of grandchildren? Maybe a bit early for you now, but in the coming years? Oh, yeah, absolutely. I don't want to apply any pressure. But, i like babies in my life yes it's fresh as wheat get on with it to your 19 year old daughter yeah who knows i might be as reluctant so i'm going to see westbrook i'm home and away with great passion again to avoid it but i think i'll be a very

useful grandparent yeah i could see yeah i could see that yeah what was your favorite you think your favorite age if you had to pick one as someone looking back now if i say picture your daughters what age do you kind of picture them i would say sort of any i'd say when they were sort of yeah nine and six something like that i just think little girls are a lot easier to parent than little boys i think teenage girls are not well not so much a nightmare i just couldn't work out what was going on from one day to the next you're just absolutely bizarre i gave up trying to understand it and we boys teenage boys i mean little boys are a nightmare running around blowing bogeys everywhere,

picking their arses and God knows what else. I think they're tricky, but I think as teenagers they're easier. If only, because look, you just lock them in their bedroom with a box of tissue when they're 14 and they'll re-emerge when they're 18. They can sort themselves out. I think they're more straightforward.

How would you describe parenting a teenage girl for two men that are, I've got one daughter, Rob's got two, who are approaching it? How would you describe what we're approaching now? I just think great, just confusion and bewilderment more than anything else. And you've just got to roll with that and say, look, I simply don't understand what the problem is here. I mean, to be fair, there's, you know, there's physiological

things going on, you know, that we'll never understand. So there is that going on in the background. But I just think, often with girls, it's when the physical affection, you just sort of goes all the hugging and sitting on your lap and all the rest of it. That seems to sort of stop more or less overnight. Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, god oh god i mean the older one stopped being so physically affectionate quite young the younger one kept it going for a bit longer but you know neither one particularly touchy-feely now and they were you know as kids and that's really hard and then you know you get to the point when you you know you've had a ding-dong about something and there's been some row about something i I'll tell you, having text in them,

it's like you send a text about something. I mean, waiting to hear back. God, Josh is not going to sleep tonight. You often do with them. I ring them. I say, just give me one minute. I'll tell you what's going on. I'll be like, it's all right.

I'm not going to keep you. I'm not going to bore you. It's all right. Great. Okay, thank you. Goodbye. I don't want them bore you. Everything all right? Great. Okay, thank you. Goodbye. I don't want them to be looking at my phone saying, Dad, calling, and thinking, oh, God, I'll never get him off the phone.

I mean, they might think like that, but at least if they get the idea that it's going to be brief, then there'll be more employment. Yeah. Brief but regular. Every eight minutes. How does this make you feel about the future, Rob? I mean, it horrifies me to think that they won't want to give me...

They don't want to give me a cuddle now a little bit, but just that sort of... I think just them being so far away and you just not knowing what they're doing just feels so alien that they're just sort of plopped somewhere and just getting on with their life and you're not involved at all. I think this is going to affect me and you quite badly this episode.

I've loved it, Adrian. You've been brilliant, but you've really planted some worry bombs. I remember when the oldest one was a baby. I remember her waking up in bed. I was in bed and woke up at like four in the morning. And then, oh, my God, she's awake. What's the problem? Then it was quiet.

And then I thought, oh, my God, she's died. It's cot death. And then I think she starts screaming again. And then I thought, hang on. And there she's died. She's caught death. And then I think she starts screaming again. It was fine. And then I thought, hang on. And there was a real moment when I was seized with panic. I think, hang on. I am never going to sleep properly.

You know, how do I ever stop worrying about this? You know, the middle of the night is never a good time to worry because worry feeds off itself. But then what am I going to do when she's 19 and she's in Australia or something? I remember saying, too, there was a wise old owl called Peter Allen who used to present the breakfast show on Five Live who had three kids. I remember I said this to him the following day, and he said,

to be honest, you're on to something there. Once you've had kids, you never probably have a proper night's sleep. Oh, fuck's sake. Oh, God. To a certain extent, I think there's something in that. There's certainly that thing you're only as happy as your least happy child. And my God, I've been, you know, mine have been genuinely happy. Yeah, but that puts a lot of pressure on the kid, I find, that saying, doesn't it?

Yeah. Oh, God. It'll be all right, though, won't it? Oh, fuck. Anyone want to go for a pint? Oh, Adrian, it's been an absolute joy to chat to you Have your daughters read the book? I don't think so They've read bits of it, which some friend or other told them was funny

I don't know, they might have read it on the quiet I know, we'll see I mean, it'd be all part of the embarrassment of being my daughter, I think But perhaps they'll pick up something from it. It's been a joy to talk to you, Adrian. I loved it, Adrian. Thank you. The book is The Good Drinker.

It's been so good. Thanks so much. All right, cheers. It's like, you know, a vision of the future. Cheers, Adrian. It's been an absolute pleasure. I saw you, below. Cheers, Adrian.

Thanks so much. Take care. Adrian Child. Adrian Child. Adrian Child's there. Adrian Child has got so much more depth to him than you think when you just see him presenting something on TV. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, very charismatic.

There's a lot going on there, isn't there? Well, yeah, he's lived a life. Yeah. How are you feeling, Rob? I'm all right. It is 2am, and there was a point there when Adrian Child was talking about how many units of alcohol he had I was looking at the minibar

going you might have to start drinking if this is going to go on for much longer because I I was loving it but then when he started saying about like

you kids being away and I was like I've got a vision to be down in a bottle of red wine then buying his book to read tomorrow that was brilliant though thank you to Adrian I've got a vision to be down in a bottle of red wine and then buying his book to read tomorrow. That was brilliant, though.

Thank you to Adrian. I've really enjoyed that. Thank you to everyone for listening. We will see you... Tuesday. Tuesday? See you Tuesday. Tuesday. Bye.

What a joy. See you later. Bye. Bye-bye.