Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP41: Thanks to Lou. Apologies to Rose.

Episode Date: December 13, 2022

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Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whittaker. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Jenson, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Not bad. Decent.

Decent. This is my wife, Anna, asking our two-year-old son, Jenson, to attempt your names. Thanks for making my commute to work a bit easier listening to your amazing podcast thanks oh don't do it dirty like that Josh come on also there's a there's a double space between an amazing and podcast but I'm not even going to bring that up oh why are you killing him why are you killing him off with his grammar and spelling I'm in a bad mood Rob oh you feel a bit spiky what's been happening spiky no i thank you to chris from ipswich cheers mate at least put a cap out at the start of your sentence but um

i'm joking i'm joking no it's been a stressful morning rob it's been a stress okay can you hear snow day it's snowy it's snowy it's monday morning oh god fuck the snow we're back to old school recording we're recording the day before it goes out. It was a little bit hodgepodge while I was in Australia. I'm back. It's snowing. It's Christmas. England are at the World Cup and Josh is livid.

That's the least of my problems. I can hear my son screaming the house down as my very ill wife attempts to get him. Very ill? What's wrong with her? Well, I don't know. Unwell? Unwell. Yeah, she's unwell. You can't keep saying very ill wife attempts to get him. Very ill? What's wrong with her? Well, I don't know. Unwell. Unwell. Yeah, she's unwell.

Yeah, you can't keep saying very ill. Sorry, sorry. It sounds too bleak. Sorry, Rob. She's very unwell. Very critically ill. Yeah, no, my unwell wife attempts to get him out of the house to get them to school in the snow with me.

Oh, God. god halfway through the process going i'm just gonna pop upstairs and do a podcast so you're walking both kids to school no getting a taxi getting a taxi because it's quite it's snowy snowy day you brought have you brought up her learning to drive yet uh Yeah, we've discussed it a lot. This morning? No, I didn't bring it up this morning. I thought that would be a throwback. I also didn't think she'd be able to action it this morning,

so there'd be nothing to be gained. And she's carrying the two kids out. Yeah, just a quick one. Have you booked in for that intensive course? I was thinking it could be the most passive-aggressive Christmas present in history. Oh, you can't. A provisional driver's license. You can't.

I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I think you should have had to just... And I think you should have called her reaction. She only could have put it in a big box. Put it in a big box. Put it in a big Chanel box. Jimmy Choo box. I feel like I'm racking my brain for like sex in the city references of

what sort of women want in a sort of a quite actually sexist way imagine me walking into chanel in uh presumably on new bond street um hi guys um can i purchase one box, please, for an amusing present? I've got a cracking idea. Yeah. For my... I'm actually going to put a hoover in it. It's what, like, old... I've heard stories about that, where, like, old-school men would do that,

and it's a bit like some sort of, like, washing-up liquid or something like that. Like, no-one has ever laughed at that ever. There's no surprise. I think there should be a law against practical jokes where the result is worse than what you think. Like the practical joke where you think something good's happened and then something bad's happened is just cruel.

The classic one is jumping out on your child to scare them because you think it might be a bit of a laugh and then they just get absolutely petrified terrible terrible decision it happened to me when i was a kid from my cousins and it was awful oh god scarred me for life yeah anyway well sorry sorry for i feel bad because we were we were gonna do this at 10 and then you wanted to do it at 8 but then you wanted to go back to 10 a.m and then you'd move to 8 to 10 yeah now i've moved to 10 sure and now poor Then you'd move something to 10. Yeah. Now I've moved something to 10. Sure. And now poor Rose is doing the school run in snow day on her own.

Yeah. With the younger... I'd say with the hardest school run, she's got to get a taxi with a baby, essentially, like a one-year-old, where me and Lou just walked her kids into school. Yeah, it's not ideal. But it was icy, so I went with to hold hands with the children. With the children.

Because we walked here. How was it? Did they love the snow? Or was the impracticalities annoying? They didn't want to go, and they wanted to make a snowman, which is classic. And then we got them all ready.

They had a coat on, scarf, gloves, hat. And then they wanted to do a snowball fight. But they had like cottony gloves. And then Lou was like, well, don't have a snowball fight because your gloves will get wet for the day. So then I said, why don't you take your gloves off and I'll hold them and then you can do snowball fight and

you can dry your hands on my jumper and then put the gloves back on yeah because i thought that was quite a good yeah because they're still gonna have cold hands they're still gonna have cold hands exactly what yeah so we did that and then that happened and that was fun and then lou sort of gave me a little bit of a slide dig going this is not going to end well and i was and then i felt bad because i'm sort of cruising in as the fun one yeah and then um as predicted uh my youngest screams screamed and cried about having wet sleeves which i didn't even think about um wet hands and they wouldn't dry them the gloves wouldn't go on and then it got a bit tense which is that photo i sent you walking in the snow that's why i didn't look happy now yeah but then after that it was fine and they went, and it was really good fun.

I took a photo of them outside the school gates with loads of snow. It's fun, the school in the snow, isn't it? It is fun. And then you just... What I find is I become quite critical of how people have gritted things. Yes.

Like going, well, they've done well on this path, but that bit of road's treacherous. That's dangerous, that. They should grit that, as if I've got any idea of how you grit something and trying to grit an entire school must be a nightmare. for what i would say is the sort of grounds what they call school keepers what you call the people at school uh the caretaker caretakers yeah that's what they're called they take care it's such a funny name isn't it they take care of them um that it's

a big day for them this is their transfer this deadline day. This is massive. This is massive for them. This is huge. Do you know I used to get about a week a year off school because of snow? Oh, yeah, I bet. I mean, yeah, because I imagine there'll be a lot of people that didn't go in today's school. Even where we live, we're lucky because we live really near the school. But you know what it's like in Zone 5? Anyone that lives a bit further out, it's dangerous.

Do you want a glove tip from an old hand of someone who obviously had a lot of snow as a child? Yeah, and also, great pun. What? Oh yeah, that was not,

that was nice, by the way. It's just ingrained in you. Do you know what I mean? I can see Rose playing in the garden with the kids now, so my pity has gone down a bit. Who's in the garden?

Rose is, they've, the screaming stopped and I just looked out the window and they're in the garden having fun now. So what's up, but before preschool, do you reckon school's cancelled?

I hope. No, there must just be killing time. Why don't you shout out the window? Can you keep it down? I'm trying to work up here. See how that... I feel bad because I've only said this stuff because it would be hypothetically funny,

but I love Rose and I want you to be nice to Rose. I'm not. No, no, no, of course. We both know I'm not going to do it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what I used to do to keep my gloves dry, Rob, was go gloves and then over the top marigolds. I'm not sure about that. I think you look like some sort of pedo that's disposing of a body.

Well, as a child child not as an adult so would there be adult marigolds yeah because obviously i don't think there is children's marigolds is there so i've been 10 or whatever you can right so you put that is a great tip so you get some marigold oh you know because then you've got waterproof gloves but you've still you're not just wearing marigolds because that'll be so you've got the wool underneath you've basically great idea yeah you've got the warmth and then uh that's quick gore-tex essentially isn't it exactly yourself gore-tex in your hands exactly oh that's a great tip because that's what we were trying to work out so also as well which would be good you know the sort of gloves everyone bought for covid when we didn't really know how covid was yeah they'd work they'd be fine they'd be fine. They'd be fine.

Dig out the COVID gloves. Dig out the COVID gloves. There you go. Have you ever seen the little enema gloves for fingers? No, I've never had an enema. Well, not enema, you know, but if you have to put anything up your bum, I had to put some medication up my bum once.

Did you? You get like a tiny, you basically get a condom for the world's smallest man. Do you? Well, it's a tiny, imagine like a five pence piece. Yeah. Condom. And then that goes over your finger. So you get a little he's a tiny... Imagine, like, a five-pence piece. Yeah. Condom, and then that goes over your finger,

so you get a little finger condom. Oh, just a little finger condom. So they can pop it up your bum. Oh, my word. Because it was... You know when you go to doctors when you're, like, 21 or whatever at uni and they always give you a bag of condoms?

Do you remember that? That was a thing, like, they'd go, oh, here's a condom. They didn't even bother with me. They just... Anyway, he gave me that And I was like How small is he

Who my dick is And then I realised That they're from your bum We're all learning Yeah How is your dick by the way Are you weird normally How's the velocity of your

No, that's Yeah, I'm back to normal But I had Illness Discussed in the last episode Got So much worse Man, it was awful Rob

Yeah, so you had It's bad in adults foot and mouth yeah do you want to see my face i had to do the last leg via zoom right right okay because you've been sacked nothing to do with the illness no exactly they didn't broadcast me yeah just stay on there mate we'll be with you in a minute look at my spots here oh no josh i look like a fucking teenager and you got sad eyes i know i've got sad eyes and then i got these marks on my hand like i'll be honest with you rob i look like one of the kind of people that would hang out with pete doherty in the early 2000s like kate moss

i wish um so i got all these scars on my hands. And all my fingers have gone hard. Not like an erection, like the end. I'll get you some of them little condoms, though. So like... Fingdoms. Like I'm a guitar player. Like my fingers have gone hard like that. Or a smoker.

Yeah, exactly. You know, they've got them rock-hard fingertips you could put an aisle in a wall with. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. Oh, mate. Yeah, you look really rough. I couldn't, and I had all these sores in my mouth. So I had to live on white bread for five days.

Like a duck. Yeah. Rose would throw it to me. You're laying there with your mouth open, waiting for paracetamol and white bread. It was absolutely fucking awful, mate. And you just got that off the kids? The kids don't get it that bad, do they, when they have it? No, they were fine.

Oh, dirty germs. I tell you what, the germs you get out of kids. Oh, it's rubbish. Oh, my God. There's so much snot in their heads. It's awful. Like, I've forgotten what the first year or two of nursery is like. It's awful. Like, I've forgotten what the first year or two of nursery is like. It's constant.

It's like freshers, but rather than it being sexually transmitted diseases, it's just head colds. Just being rubbed, people snubbing, rubbed onto each other. And then you, like, get near to Christmas. You're like, oh, should we not put him in because, like, there's ill kids there and stuff. And you're like, oh, God. Now you're just like god you're now you're

just like is this going to ruin everything oh god oh god oh god anyway it all ends this way well at least it sounds like it's not going to get any worse than having hand foot and mouth whatever you had no you'd hope wouldn't you and also everyone thinks it's the fucking animal one it's a different disease so you'll say to people i had hand foot and mouth and they go oh yeah i remember disease yeah i remember that in the 90s. You're like, mate, I'm not going to be burned in a pyre. Like, I'm fine. I love the way even your disease is in the 90s.

You'll have salmonella next week. Let's talk about Christmas in a bit. Let's ask you how the return to the United Kingdom was, Rob. Oh, the fly at home, mate. Let's ask you how the return to the United Kingdom was, Rob. Oh, the flight home, mate. It's so far. Yeah. Like, I know, I sort of knew where New Zealand was, but you don't really get a pre...

Because I went to New Zealand after Australia. Is that further? Oh, yes. Another two-hour flight. Oh, my God. So, on the way back, it was... I flew... It was 13 and a half hours from Auckland to Singapore.

Then I was in Singapore for two hours. And then Singapore to London, for some reason, was 14 hours. Well, I know why. You can't fly over Russia anymore. Oh, God. Oh, God. Do you know what? Good decision.

I don't have bigger problems than me having a slightly longer flight. But I'm just saying, yeah, it was a good decision not to fly over it. But, yes, and then we landed, and there was no parking bay for the aeroplane. What? So we had to wait for an was no parking bay for the aeroplane. What? So we had to wait for an hour for parking space. Oh, my God. And then I had to wait an hour for a bag. So I was supposed to be home at about 4 or 5 o'clock to see the kids,

and it was like 8 o'clock when I got back, and they just went mental. And it was so exciting to see them all. Yeah, I bet that was amazing. Like planes, trains, and automobiles or something. It was, but I felt sorry for poor Lou. Well, the house was immaculate and she's made it all christmas it looked unbelievable then like i burst in with

my mum and dad who i've been traveling with for a month and then there was just bags everywhere kids were going mental i had some presents for him and stuff like that and like the house went into an absolute wreck which which and then it was my daughter's birthday party um and then oh yeah so it's just been, it's been carnage, but it's been amazing to see him. I'm so happy to be home, but can I,

can I just say, I've got to give Lou some massive respect here for basically solo parenting for a month on her own. And the dog kept having to go to the vets and the kids and organizing birthdays and sorting out all the Christmas nat nativity clothes and all stuff like that like i can't believe she's done it and the kids are still happy it sounds like you're in the dog house i'm not no no we're all good actually to be fair um like it's always a bit awkward when you come back because the routine's been set and then you start having your ideas of how to do something and things like that like i forgot to put shut the gate and the dog went upstairs and ate some more like nearly ate some more chocolate and i got told off for that

but um anyway being able to looking after two kids on our own and also any single parents listen i don't know how you do it full time it is unbelievable um but yeah no i'm just a little bit out please michael'll just no I just I have to be really thankful though because I'm very lucky to have a partner are you worried that

Lou's about to go away for a month Rob is that what you're worried no no she's going away she's got a trip to New York booked with her friend I think

I think if Lou's listening to this I think she's well within her rights she's got a month in the bag oh mate every single thing

that comes up I have to do now which i accept like if we're in bed i accept yeah like do you want to like get me a drink from down get we haven't brought any water up you're going to get some drinks that's that's a rob job um can you take those bins out that's for a job like it's yeah i am take but that's totally fair for a year probably yeah that's fine though but like but what i said i'm lucky to have someone who's so supportive she never made me feel guilty. The kids were brilliantly left off and looked after.

And I managed to go and do something which, one, was for work. Like, I have to sort of do that and you have to build up tours. It's part of my job. You know, because if telly or podcasts and stuff start. You don't have to, Rob. Well, that's what I'm going to say. But also, it is a dream of mine to tour the world and her being so supportive and allowing me to do that about worrying or feeling stressed is,

it's very lucky position to be in. So Lou, if you are listening, thank you very much. You did a brilliant job. I love you. And I'm very grateful. Yeah.

I just like to also say, I've just got bad news from Rose. What's that? The taxi pre-booking has fallen through. Okay. What's the, so I'd like to say Rose, I am sorry. I'm doing this this podcast but it is for my job thank

you for being so understanding i gotta try and order a taxi live on this podcast right okay fair enough i don't really know what to do in this situation this is an absolute nightmare do you know why it's been cancelled snow isn't it yeah if i had to get if i had to put money on it yeah that's what it is how bad is it it in the central business district of London? Well, the roads are all right, I think. Or did you order a water taxi? So you're ordering a taxi now? I'm trying to.

Oh, God, Rob. Oh, God. I mean, if you're an Uber driver, you're not going out this morning, are you? Well, it's not an Uber. It's a black cab, isn't it? Because there's a pram. Oh, yeah. If you're a black cab driver, you're all toasty in bed. think i'll let it four out go out at midday no one wants a cab now oh fuck what the other option is you drive isn't it well

no because i'm doing this rob put a loudspeaker in the car i i mean i don't know what to do uh she's she's gonna get the bus oh god okay this is something for you to deal with later isn't it now she's unwell she's gonna get the bus and there's a long walk at the other end of the bus and she's got a five-year-old and a one-year-old yeah i would say i would say what i've done this morning actually is worse than you going to australia for a month yeah i mean i think maybe, we maybe could have rescheduled, but it's happened now. We're here now.

No, we couldn't, because I'm working all day. What time do you finish? I'm going into London, and then I'm meeting someone after that to do stuff. Like, I'm, I fuck, like, the day is, this is it. This is my only chance. Oh, God, Rob. Oh, God.

How has this happened? What about send her this? I've just sent you a link. Maybe send her that. That might help. What, apply for your first professional? You're a fucking prick. You're an absolute prick.

Do you know what? You could do the rest of the podcast on your own, mate. But do you want to know something? I can't even drive there now because I've got to go into town after this. So I couldn't because I'd have the car then. Because you wouldn't be able to get back in time. I wouldn't be able to get back in time.

Oh, no. This is a disaster, isn't it? It doesn't matter anyway because I've got to do this. Yeah, well, are we doing this now? Are we talking about doing this? Well, I don't know what I'm doing. It's difficult, isn't it? Have you got your Christmas tree out?

I don't care. We have, actually, our artificial one. Oh, yeah, yeah. We went and got our Christmas tree. Was it a nice family day out or did you do it Christmas tree out? I don't care. We have, actually, our artificial one. Oh, yeah, yeah. We went and got our Christmas tree. Was it a nice family day out, or did you do it on your own? It was a nice family day out. Lovely. Yeah.

Went down to Pines and Needles in Victoria Park. Very nice. You have to be careful, though. You might get an ex-heroin needle. Well, you've seen my hands. Oh, come this way, sir. The trees aren't hands. Come this way, sir. The trees aren't for you. Come under.

Oh, God, I can hear them crying downstairs. What the fuck? All of them. Do you want to go and check? Why don't you go and check? What am I going to do down there, Rob? I think your appearance will make it worse. I don't look that bad, Rob.

Just a man on skag stumbling down the stairs. Oh, God. Can I help? Shall I just go down? Oh, maybe that was a good sound. Yeah, that sounds positive. In what way? Like, there's a taxi arriving?

Not that positive, no. But, like, less crying. Less crying. I think once they get out in the snow, it'll be fine. Yeah? Because my daughter's scooter's not going to work in the snow, so that's going to be a long walk for her. Oh, yeah, this is getting worse for you, isn't it now?

I feel bad now for laughing a bit, but Rosie's up against it. Well, no, but I need to appear to feel like it, because I like Rosie and I want her to like me. Yeah, do you know what? The problem is, though, it's difficult because this is a conversation me and you would have at work or in the pub, but everyone we've ever known listens. I know. And can I just say, how did you get in the position you have, but out of it, you got a month in Australia, right?

And I am equally in owing to Rose. And in exchange, I've got to record a podcast. That's all I've done. Yeah, so you feel like we're at the same level of thankfulness. The same level of thankfulness and gratefulness. And you've got a month in Australia, and I'm recording a fucking podcast at 8.30 in the morning. No, you're, yeah, well, you're not having to go out in the snow, are you?

That's a good thing. I am, I'm doing pick-up anyway. Okay. Oh, well, you're doing pick-up. That's all right. That'll probably be more treacherous then. Will you drive for pick-up?

No, I can't because I'm coming from town. Right, okay. Why don't you drive into town and park? Because I'm doing this podcast. Because I can't park in Soho, Rob,

because it's not 1984. It's like... Like, why don't you park in town? There's NTBs. Have you got 100 quid for an hour? Do you want me to tell you what I got told off in the aeroplane, Josh? Yeah. So basically, I was sort of half asleep,

and I was trying to get comfortable, because I had a jumper on, but I was too hot. And as I took it off, I thought, you know sometimes your T-shirt comes with you yeah like that come so i took it off and my t-shirt jumper come off at the same time and i felt a bit but on a plane with loads of people but obviously it's like an accident but you still feel a bit panicked and a bit like everyone can see my body you know what i mean yeah yeah anyway so i sort of did it and then and as i'm rushing to get my t-shirt back on the stewardess come over said no sir you must you must wear a top i'm like i'm trying to wear a top i'm not i'm not i'm not trying to sleep here naked

like some sort of fucking animal um but uh yeah so that was quite that made me laugh on the plane and also what made me horrified was apparently in new zealand loads of new zealanders listen to this podcast and people on the plane said that their antenatal classes in New Zealand are recommending this podcast. What? Oh, my God. I don't think that's a great idea, is it, really? That's amazing.

At least we know that antenatal classes are worse than ours. That's the main thing to take home from that. This is the way forward to listen to this. But we can't really help, can we? I think they've left the house. Right. Oh, God. Oh, God.

You'll be all right, mate. It's a terrible morning for Rose. I feel bad. I feel really bad. I've said thank you to Lou. Because I think sometimes... Thank you, Rose. I'll tee you up so you can do it properly.

I just think I sometimes take Lou for granted because she makes it look easy but it doesn't mean it is easy just because someone makes it look easy do you know what i mean i don't sometimes you get on with it i feel i feel constant guilt okay so um what would you like to say to rose so when she rather than thank you sorry that's that's everything for everything for for yeah that's it okay fair enough um That's my... For everything. For everything. For... For... Yeah. That's it. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, great.

I think that'll work. Yeah. Yeah. Anything else been going on with you, Josh? Well, Christmas is coming, obviously. I've done... I've bought zero presents so far and I'm panicking. Really?

Yeah. Big style. I've been so busy from one thing to the other well we know we know we've just sorted out roses yeah uh she sent me a text saying this is a nightmare and crucially it has no kisses on the end which is always when i know rose has turned oh my god you're like in year nine you two still do you not put kisses on the end of your texts sometimes if i didn't that would it wouldn't be a problem or rose and i put kiss on the end of our text except occasionally when rose will stop putting kisses on the end of the text because

she's furious right and it's sort of like a passive aggressive way to let you know it's not even that it's not even that no it's she's so angry directly aggressive it's not an attack i think it's more she's she's not even in a world in which she's willing to countenance that there could be love. That's what I was drinking. Oh, that was horrible. So I just took a big swig of water. Sorry.

Sorry. I feel bad. Sorry. No, it's all right. I nearly choked on that. Yeah. Sorry. Made me feel bad it's all right i nearly choked on that yeah sorry made me feel bad okay yeah so now she might just be busy and that's why she's not done the kisses so i won't read into it too much oh rob i've been in this relationship a decade mate right so talk us through rose coming back from the school run will you see her today or will you be off after i'm off after that's not okay so will that help it in a way because she'll be chilled out by then and it was she'll have forgotten yeah no it'll be fine the moment the school runs over it'll be fine that's what i've sort of learned with me and lou is like if one of us is a bit annoyed or is having to do something that's hard work just give them a

little bit of space yeah totally and then both of us will calm down. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Oh, God. Are you going to reply to her? I don't think there's anything to be going on. I've learned also. She's not looking for me to fix the situation because I can't. You can't?

No. Just say, why don't you just mess about? Go, it's just, it's lovely. It's a winter wonderland. Embrace it. Enjoy the moment. God, can you imagine? I do like playing.

What's the worst thing I could reply now? Yeah. And then I type it out, but never send it. That's up there. Oh, no. I've just got a text. It says the bus is seven minutes away. I don't know what I'm going to do with that. Yeah.

I mean, you just go, oh, that's quick. Okay. I'm sure she'll be fine, mate. Yeah. It's, I would say, a shitstorm of a situation for her. I feel really bad about it. What have you got to do today after this? Important high-flying executive stuff?

Yeah. Yeah. Big star, mate. Yeah, what kind of star? I'm meeting Mr Big from Big Corp. Anyway, shall we talk about Christmas, Rob? Yes, let's talk about Christmas. I'm so unprepared.

It's unbelievable. Right, so what's wrong? What have you got to do? I had one plan. Yeah. Which was I was going to get the train down to Devon with my daughter on the 27th. So that we could do the Devon bit. Because I just thought it's easier than everyone driving.

She'll enjoy it. So what is your Christmas plan this year? Talk me through it. Stay at home in London. Stay at home. Who's coming? Rose's mum. Just Rose's mum for Christmas at home. Who's coming? Rose's mum. Just Rose's mum for Christmas?

And then Rose's sister. Rose's mum will come for the thing. Rose's sister will come round for Christmas dinner. Right. And then your parents are down in Devon. Yeah. Can't they come up and visit on the 27th, 28th? Yeah, but I was going to get the train, Rob,

but there's been strikes. You don't want to be... Why don't they drive up? Because you've got the kids. That's what I'd say. That's what I'd say to my parents. If you want to see the kids at Christmas, come to us. No, no, it's not for them.

There's a big Widdicombe family event on the 27th. Oh, right, so it's not just visiting family. There's a big thing going on. Right, I get you. Which I can't go to anymore. But there we go. There we go. So that's my one plan gone.

Oh, because the train strikes. Could you drive down? It's just so far. Yeah, that's why you get in a car. No, no, no. But it's so far to drive children for a day or two. Yeah, that's why you get in a car. No, no, no. But it's so far to drive children for a day or two. Right, okay.

Four hours, is it? No, it's more like... Because the family meet-up is in Cornwall, so it's probably about six hours. Do you know what? I hate Cornwall. Not offence to the people there. If you're from there, I like it, but it's too far, mate, if you're from London.

If you live an hour away, fair enough, but it just just gets narrower it's like willy wonky you know when he walks to the back of the room that's what i feel like i am in cornwall it's starting it's so narrow um yeah so you're not prepared so you've got no plans i think that's a good thing i think you can have too many plans at christmas also here's's something for Christmas, Rob. Go on. I haven't had a drink in 50 days. Ooh, how comes? Because I started not drinking and I was enjoying it so much that I've just carried on. We're having a little meet-up, aren't we, on the 18th? I don't think I'll be drinking.

Okay, that's fine. I'm just saying that was our little Christmas. But I've got a wedding on the 17th. You'll be drinking at that, won't you? Or do you just like not drinking now? That's fair enough. Well, I don't know. I don't know, Rob, anymore.

I don't know who I am anymore. i going to do a am i going to do a dry christmas do you know what i i with drinking i definitely don't i used to use it for social situations to be more relaxed yeah okay and then it became a habit so when i was 17 and 18 and going to the pub i'd be really nervous so if i had a couple of beers i be calmer, which is what most people do and everyone's doing it and it's part of going out, right? And then that carried on, that's just what I do. And then I used to drink when I gigged a lot as a way to de-stress, which is okay now and again, but I was doing it too much

and then I stopped doing that. So now, really, if I'm on holiday and there's a really cold beer, I'll have one. Do you know what? I've been doing that i've been going to things and not drinking social situations rob i didn't drink for the football i went to a a wrap party i didn't drink i've been to a 40th birthday i didn't drink and do you know what it's fine yeah it's absolutely fine do you know what i save it for like when i meet up with

mates and we go and i can it's an impromptu little piss up. So when I bumped into Alan Carr in Sydney, that's what we did. Yeah. And it was great fun, but I didn't really drink for the rest of the trip, really. No, I think I've hit old age, Rob. I think I'm going to drink on occasion now. Yeah. Now and again, just don't, the way to sort of not drink is not to go i'm never

drinking again is i'm not like just you're in control of today it's one day it's one day at a time rob yeah i think that's good because that that was a bit of a it's like a a cultural habit yeah exactly you have for your years but exactly you end up getting back at 1am watching a blur thing off your face it's like no way to live josh well that sounds fucking brilliant actually but yeah no i've not been um drinking as much yeah we're growing up but yeah it's going to be interesting with christmas i just don't think i'm going to drink don't think i'm going to drink over christmas no i'm not bothered really oh we're boring old bastards aren't we no i think you just get to have point work especially when you've got to get up with the kids in the morning and do stuff you can't it's hard work hungover isn't it it is it's just not worth it it's just not fun it's hell do you know do you know what other

christmas thing we're doing what christmas film club so what's that so uh it's me and rose and some friends in a whatsapp group and we all meet up on the whatsapp group and we watch the same christmas movie at the same time. Like lockdown. Like lockdown. But we only do like terrible Hallmark Christmas movies. I watched one with Lindsay Lohan last week, Rob. The new Netflix Lindsay Lohan, in which she plays an heiress who has a skiing accident

and gets amnesia at Christmas. And it is fucking brilliant. It's so good. So you all press play at the same time? All press play at the same time. Oh, do you ever pause it? You can't, can you? You can't pause it.

Yeah, and then you all just make snarky comments on the WhatsApp group for 90 minutes. That's a good idea. It's really good fun. I'd highly recommend it. Well, we've got a little Christmas meet up, haven't we? The families. Yeah.

We're going on a little Christmas day out in London. Going on a Christmas day out? Yeah, that's going to be fun, isn't it? They'll be excited. And then, so, well, you're Christmas, so you've got only one person. So, you've got nothing planned. That's what we're talking about. On Christmas day, Rose's sister and her fiancé and daughter are coming around.

Right. But that's it, really. We've got New Year's Eve plans. Yeah. Vague. Vague New Year's Eve plans. I hate New Year's Eve. Yeah, it's rubbish. But we're going gonna have people around on the day with kids and then people can stay if they

want to into the evening perfect okay that we haven't sent the invites out yet which is bad i'm fully aware of that i mean it's not invite yourself up josh and if you've got presents i've not bought one fucking present for anyone rob Rob. No, that's what I've promised to my dad, actually. And I'm working every day this week. Oh, baby. Because... Every day? What, Monday to Friday? Bloody hell.

No, no, no, no, no, Rob. No, not just every... Not just Monday to Friday. Nine to five, Monday to Friday. How do you cope, Josh? And then I'm the best man at a wedding on a Saturday. Right. I've got last leg Friday night.

I've got to write the best man speech at some point. Yeah. And then Sunday... No one's got any sympathy for you, though, as a've got to write the best man speech at some point. And then Sunday. No one's got any sympathy for you, though, as a comedian, to write the best man speech. No, I know, but it's still extra. It's like Gordon Ramsay going, I've got to cook breakfast this morning.

I've got fucking lunch coming up. Then, before I know it, it's fucking dinner. I'm actually necking it. Rob, when am I going to buy these fucking presents? Do you know how long it takes to order a provisional driving licence? I'm especially with a raw mail strike. Yeah. Shit, the raw mail strikes.

I'm going to have to do the whole thing on Amazon. It's awful. Are you going to a shop? When? What about next week? Next week, Rob? Yeah. The 20th.

So Sunday, what are you doing Sunday? This Sunday? This Sunday, I'm meeting up with you. Yeah, it is. Sunday the 19th. Oh, 18th. Yeah, it is. Sunday the 18th.

Yeah. Yeah. So I'm meeting up with you. What about in the daytime? To the daytime, I'm looking after the kids. Right. Take them to the shops up Oxford Street. You love London.

I'm buying them presents. you've got okay then what about monday next week next monday parenting hell 10 a.m to 1 p.m lovely lovely stuff looking forward to that actually yeah it's gonna be fun and then stretch it out have a long long because we've got a school play date at our house where uh lots of people are coming around from the school. Okay. 20th. Caretaker, the teachers. Yeah. Just all the guys I bump into on the walk. 20th.

Yep. Voice over, 9.30 till 11.30. And then straight to the BBC to do the Last Leg New Year special. On the 21st? No, on the 20th. 20th, yep. Oh, that's one day. Yep, that is busy, actually.

Yeah, that is. 21st? You guys going on 21st? It's our little day out, isn't it?. Oh, that's one day. Yeah, that is busy, actually. Yeah, that is. 21st? You guys going 21st? It's our little day out, isn't it? I'm seeing you. Our day out, yeah. With the kids, yeah, lovely, yep. 22nd.

I'm free. Oh, let's get shopping, boy. Oh, fuck. It's even worse than I thought. Shit. So 22nd, that'll be fine, mate. It'll jingle all the way. It'll be fine.

Oh, my God. So what have you got to get on that day? Everything. What about food and all that? Is that booked in? We booked a delivery, yeah. Right, yeah. Because I'm doing a Christmas pick-up.

I do our treat. We do Marks and Spencer's, my little treat. I do a pick-up on Christmas Eve morning. All booked in, ready to go. All presents bought and accounted for. Just got to wrap them. Oh, for fuck's sake, you fucking wanker. Yeah, I did a lot, actually.

I had a bit of downtime when I was in Oz to sort of order stuff. Because I had a month to get it delivered. When am I going to do this? 20 seconds, mate. I haven't even got any ideas. Because I haven't even had time to think of ideas. We've got one. Well, look, mate.

I'd say, look, why don't you fill out the provisional driver licence form and then it's always there as a backup slash banter press. I'm not doing a provisional driver's licence. So you've got no idea of what... What about Rose? Have you got any ideas for Rose?

You must have some. It's difficult because she might listen to this. Yeah, I bought her a coat that she wanted. Okay, don't say that. No, wait. Yeah. It's been so coat that she wanted. Okay, don't say that. No, wait. Yeah. It's been so cold, she needed the coat. So she's got the coat now.

She's already got the coat. Yeah, because it was so cold. So that doesn't count anymore. It was mental, Rob. I was holding back her winter coat. Yeah. And she was going out in the cold. So I was like, this is insane.

Yeah, so that's a lovely thing to do. So she wanted a coat. You bought her a coat for Christmas. You was going to wrap it up, open it at Christmas, and that would be the present, right? And then I was like, there's no point. She was like, you know, we discussed it. There's no point.

Can I let you know something? That is no longer a Christmas present anymore. No, it isn't, Rob. So now I'm back to square one. So what you do is you text her and you go, seven minutes would fill a lot longer if you didn't have your nice new coat on. I'm not going to do that, Rob. do that okay well it's up to you so yeah so you've got nothing okay you need to have a little think don't you yeah but when to ask lou for you no i want you i want you to get

lou to do all of my shop some of the things i've got to go to devon do you know like because we've got a lovely i've got a lovely bit of time planned actually i've got thursday off i've got um this way yeah thursday off this week saturday day off and then next week i'm done on the 19th i've got the 20th of 21st of 22nd 23rd loads of time i'm fine i might even get a few more presents like little nice ones you know i'm gonna write for the last like new years at this right do you write for that you're a prick this is the worst i've just seen my diary for this week it's an absolute shocker i'm fucked this is i feel great do you know what as well and i if i if i was listening to this i'd feel good as well i am absolutely shafted here so you can't do anything till the 22nd

what are you doing on 23rd What are you doing on the 23rd? Yeah, I'm free on the 23rd. No, mate, not 24th. We've got children. That's three days. We've all got kids, mate. Part of it, isn't it? I've got kids too. But they're off school.

I've fucked this so badly. Oh, yeah. Because 22nd, the kids will be off as well, so you won't even have any time. I mean, I've had an absolute shock. Also, I think Lou and Rose are going for lunch on the 22nd, aren't they? No. Yeah, just them two?

No, that's not true. Because we arranged it because it had been busy this year. Me and you had been doing loads of parenting podcast stuff. Right, no, no, no. We were going to start over the kid. You can come round mine if you want. Do you know what I'm removing from the diary? What's that?

World Cup semi-finals. Don't need that anymore. Oh, no, I can't. That better work. Do you know what? World Cup semi-finals. Don't need that anymore. Oh, no, I can't. That penalty. Do you know what? The one positive I can take is that's freed up a bit of time for me. Yeah. Well, we're meeting.

We're not meeting until seven-ish, are we, on the 18th? So you could always pop into London before. On a Sunday before Christmas? Yeah, the shop shut at five. Fucking hell. You'd just be waiting for two hours for me. Oh, Jesus. Wept. Right, should we do some correspondence quickly?

Oh, fucking... Oh, it was my daughter's birthday. Oh, God, I don't care. Went really well, actually. Did you get it? Oh, for fuck's sake. The neon party. Where they had UV light and just...

It was like a little rave. That did sound good. I'd enjoy that. But I had two parties in one day because my other daughter's friend's birthday. So I went to a party in the morning and then one in the afternoon. And she ran and her shoes were a bit too big, smacked her chin on the floor of this disco.

And she had the biggest bruise and it was bleeding, Josh. It was awful. Oh, dear. Let me send you this picture. I've just sent it to the WhatsApp group. Oh, bloody hell. That is a nasty bastard, isn't it? It's a real nasty bastard.

Has the skin come off there? A little bit. Not loads, but yeah, it's bad, isn't it? That's a real nasty bastard. Did that, has the skin come off there? A little bit. Not loads, but yeah, it's bad, isn't it? She did well, though. And then everyone, because it was like, it's her first year of school, so everyone's sort of meeting each other for the first time. And the parents are like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

I was like, it's nothing. Like, it's not your fault. It's just kids running. And then she was being really grouchy. Normally she's really happy at parties. And I was like, oh, God. Like, oh, I hope, you know. And then you start going like,

I tell you what happens with my anxiety, though, Josh. It's quite interesting. Because I've been in work mode, I've managed to manage it with, like, I'm not beating myself up about, like, doing my gigs and managing my work. Because I've been in Australia, I've been in work mode. But then since I've come back now,

my anxiety's been like, maybe you're not a very good dad. You know, because I've not been looking after my kids. And I have, you know, certain things I do slightly wrong if I leave that open because I've not been here for a month and stuff changes. And then so it's been creeping back in and things like that. But anyway, at the party, she was like really grouchy. And I went, oh, do you want some chicken? There's some like chicken nugget tender things out. And I went, oh, do you want some of that?

While the kids are all playing party games. And I got these chicken things and she smashed through two of them so fast. I went, do you want some of that? While the kids are all playing party games. And I got these chicken things and she smashed through two of them so fast. I went, do you want some more? And she ended up eating seven mini fillets. Right. And I realised she hadn't had breakfast. Oh my God.

And then she was hungry and I felt so bad. And then she smashed through seven chicken fillets. And then she was full of beans. Full of life. Yeah. So that was good. So it was a good recovery, but I'm trying to not beat myself up.

Also as well, the presents at Christmas. And I think Martin Lewis is a good episode to listen to times are tough people are skin don't put too much pressure on yourself for presents especially i don't think you really need to get other adults presents i think that's a fair text to say like to like my brothers do you think i should send that to rose at this exact moment maybe different for your wife but i'd say you know when you sometimes get presents for like an auntie or an uncle or anyone grown up, like grown up, then they

only feel compelled to send you one back and then it takes up time, takes up money and stuff and if you want to, you know, do what you want to do, but I do think we're all grown up and if I got a message off one of my brothers or a cousin or an auntie when we're not going to do presents for adults this year, maybe just a little small thing for the kids, I think that's a better way going forward. I don't want a cousin or auntie went, we're not going to do presents for adults this year. Maybe just a little small thing for the kids.

I think that's a better way going forward. I don't, I don't want a present. Anything I want, I'll sort of get myself. You know what I mean? You don't need to do that. So don't push,

don't pressure yourself too much, Josh, but you, I do think you need to buy Rose something. I bought her a coat. Doesn't count anymore. Does not count. That's gone.

This is just, this has been the worst morning of my life um right do you want a quick boomer christmas story yeah here we go at least it's a return to form for the podcast you've really caught me at a moment that's when you're at your best you are just recovering from illness where you feel quite good yourself be quite vulnerable and um you've done something to annoy rose by recording a podcast in the middle of the school run the worst school run in history to record any other school run but the shitstorm of snow and illness any other text messages i suppose you must be on the bus by now just message how's it going hun i bet the bus is nice and warm

she'll have been on the bus 13 minutes nearly there message that fucking hell what do you what the worst thing you could message now i reckon if you message hi rose are you nearly back because i haven't eaten breakfast yet do you mind knocking me up something because i'm quite busy with the pod please can you send that and just see what happens? Okay, fair enough. She'll listen to this. So I'll get her response from that. I bet I'm the friend, like your friend, that she doesn't like now.

I think that's what's going to happen. No, she does enjoy you. She thinks you're a good quality comedian. Right, okay, good quality. I'll take that, sorry. Oh, if you're up're a good quality comedian. Right, okay, good quality. I'll take that. Solid. Oh, if you're up for a good quality comedian over Christmas, Boxing Day, 9pm,

my stand-up special, Wallop, is going to be on Sky Comedy and Now TV. Oh, there you go. And anyone listening, if you want to see me do stand-up live. Also, I should say. Film live. Because I think it's a good thing to say.

If you've already watched Wallop, so it's say the 27th, Rod Gilbert has released his DVD, a TVD. But I don't know if people are aware, Rod Gilbert's not been very well, so he's unable to promote the DVD. Yes. So he's a brilliant stand-up comedian Rod so if you want two good stand-up comedians this Christmas

that would be The Book of John by Rod Gilbert I should say that yes and then that's we cover all bases if you're a bit younger

and want to stream if you want to whip out an old school DVD go for a DVD but yeah give Rod Gilbert a watch yeah

and and Wallop yeah I know he's been on well but ideally Wallop first yeah as a priority is that okay can i say that i imagine mine's still on all four i've got no idea what channel let's not get bogged down by that um but uh yeah no support rod that'd be good because he can't he's uh he's still i think he's still in the hospital so he can't really get out and promote it so we're all trying to promote it for him yeah um right here we go let

me do a boomer story and then we'll do a small business shout out. Here we go. Boomer Christmas. I would suggest not listening to this with children as we are discussing all things Christmas. Hi, Rob and Josh. My dad always enjoyed a lie-in, but with three kids born within four years of each other, Christmas was obviously peak excitement and came with the added risk of an incredibly early get up from at least one of us. So my dad came up with the ultimate christmas boomer scam oh no he told us we needed to stay in bed on christmas day until 8 30 a.m because we lived in wolverhampton and santa delivers alphabetically that's a bad system that's a it's a tough system isn't it if you got out of bed earlier santa wouldn't have been able to deliver and we'd run the risk of disturbing his delivery this made absolutely

perfect sense to us our cousins in dudley were up at 5 a.m of course they were d is right down the other end of the alphabet we didn't question the logistics of santa bombing across from bristol to brisbane and for many years my dad avoided the the Christmas Day crack of dawn wake-up call. That is fun police, isn't it? That is brilliant. I admire it. I think that's because it's not doing any harm. That's from Kate from Kidderminster.

That's from, she's moved. She wants this slightly earlier. Just for Christmas. I'd say, I think that's fine, but I reckon 7am, 7.30, 8.30 is too late. Who's sleeping into 8.30? Yeah. Genuinely.

I just don't, I just get up early now. Yeah. I just don't sleep. I'm like, do you know what I've been doing? I've been doing your technique, Josh. Because what happened in Australia was I wouldn't sleep from jet lag, and then I'd sleep for like 14 hours, and then the next night sleep for two hours. I realised I need about six, six and a half hours sleep.

Yeah. And then now, what I'm doing, so the other morning I woke up at five but I went to bed at like half ten and I was like,

no, just get up, you've had enough sleep. Yeah, exactly. And I've been much better for it all the way through. Yeah, there you go. There you go. So good tip, Josh.

Shall we do this small business? Have I told you this incredible story? That a guy came up to me at the school quiz that I was hosting. Yeah. You was forced to do?

No, I wasn't forced to do. I enjoyed it. I loved it. I felt alive. You felt wanted. You felt needed. I felt needed. I felt like it completed me.

Oh, you're so great, Josh. Thanks for coming. It's really great. It really gives the whole PTA a boost, having someone off the telly here. A little celebrity doing his little questions. Are we doing it again? I can't wait. And also, I've got you booked in for the school gig that we're doing.

I checked in with your agent. Suck my balls. I've checked in with your agent and you are available. Suck my dick. No way. I've checked in with your agent and you're available. It's January the 2nd. Ah, fuck off.

I'd rather drink a pint of piss and donate 100 quid. Okay, cool. Well, that's fine. Okay. Let's film that. Do you want me to give you the backs details? Piss bucket challenge. I'll bring that back. Okay. So anyway, yeah, someone came up to me and he had a small business shout out

and he said, I've heard you talking on the podcast about your lack of parking opportunities near the hospital. Because you visit so much. Because you visit so much. Because you visit so much. And he said, I live on the same street as the hospital. And here is a book of temporary parking tickets. No.

Yeah. You know, when you've got visitor parking outside your house. So he's giving me some visitor car parking scratch cards because i go to the hospital so much so is that a small business show out no that was what he gave me in exchange for me doing the small business show out so here's this small business oh god this is now it's like fraud no i think this is like michelle moan i i i'm being totally i'm being totally transparent on this and i think i think the fact he chose to give me those, if he'd give me a tenner, not interested.

But such an audacious thing to give me. Yeah, because we would have read it out anyway, wouldn't we? It's definitely got to the top of the list. That's what I'd say. It's definitely got to the top of the list. Anyway, the reason I'm getting in touch, I'd love you to give a small business shout out to my fantastic company I've been helping out.

Founded before lockdown by two amazing women, Karina and leah coco ria provides families with creative child care experiences they have a network of part-time fully vetted nannies who are all from the creative industries music actors artists dancers even comedians so whether it's a regular after school care or play date or a birthday party or just one-off session they offer high quality child care with tailored creative experiences and education that help children develop an emotional well-being. Find them online at cocoreo.co.uk and on Instagram, cocoreo underscore UK.

And just mention the code PARENTINGHELL20 to get 20% off your first booking of two hours or more. Lovely. Good work. Well, I've got one here as well, which is a discount code till the 15th of December. Oh, when's this going out? Oh, okay. So this is perfect.

You get two more days of discount, guys, because this is going to be out on Tuesday the 13th. Here we go. This will be good for Christmas presents as well. This could help you out,

Josh, actually. Hi, Rob and Josh. I'd like to shout out for my cousin Caitlin's business, Rock Paper Film, and it's at rockpaperfilm on Instagram. She is a specialist vintage film and music poster dealer based in Ilfracombe, Devon.

Oh, yeah, I know it. And started her own business, Rock Paper Film, five years ago. If any listeners are looking for some very cool wall art for themselves as a gift for Christmas, maybe James Bond, Bowie, Sex Pistols, Beatles or Disney fans, then her collection of original prints make a great gift. They are nice. They are good.

This is beyond, you know, like when you go to uni and then everyone gets the same crap poster. Yeah, these are lovely. This is really good, well done stuff. Anyway, from now until the 15th of December, you can get 25% off purchases with the code PAPERCUT. She works so hard and selects only the finest items for her collection and checks all orders herself meticulously please check out her range at rockpaperfilm.com and give her a follow at

rock paper film big love from hannah mother of max six annie three and jack six months let's i'm gonna order one let's all order one so her little machine goes off you know when it's small business you really think i'm going to take the time out i haven't even bought any christmas presents rob i don't need another thing put on my buying list maybe i could buy one as a christmas present why don't you get a large print of rose's provisional driver's license and put it on the wall's inspiration you know like this is anfield. Oh, God. Anyway, that looks like a good one. So get to, yeah, so 25% off with the code PAPERCUT, all in capitals.

Yeah. That's good, actually. Good discount, that, 25%. Really good. Josh, it's been an absolute pleasure. Sorry it's completely fucked your life and your relationship. That's all right. But we've enjoyed it.

Yeah, well, that is what it is, you know. And let's face it either another kid or a divorce is really going to help with listeners exactly exactly I'll let you know

how it went when I see you whenever whenever we next record bye