Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP42: Jarred Christmas (The Return)

Episode Date: December 16, 2022

 Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the return of the brilliant comedian - Jarred Christmas. You can see Jarred in panto this season as Buttons in Cinderella at De Montfort Hall, Leicester. And tickets for 'The Mighty Kids Beatbox Comedy Show' are available now. Thanks, Rob + Josh. We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whittaker. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Behold, hello. Joey, can you say... Rob Beckett. I want to hold it. Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Whittacombe?

Josh Whittacombe. Good job, buddy. There we go. I like the quite annoyed Aggie. I want to hold it. Yeah. From the kid. This is my three-year-old son, Joseph.

It goes without saying that I love the podcast. Fair enough. Oh, sure. I hate it, but I just want the acclaim of the intro. Who's that? You saying that? Who are you talking to? You've cheered me up and made me feel a lot more sane

during those endless nights when Joey won't sleep or the days where you clock watch until bedtime. Chin up, Jess. Jess in Southampton. Trying to do a comedy show here, Jess. What are you a fucks sake? Thank you, Jess. Goes without saying, we loved the voice note.

How are we, Robert? I'm good. I've got bad news i've got bad news for you though josh oh no i've i've been hearing things about hand foot and mouth oh no what your fingernails are gonna fall out they're not gonna my the end of my so i'm we don't do this for the camera yeah the end of my fingers i'll turn it it. Yeah. If you can see. They're all blistered. Yeah, they're all blistered. I've got a fucking, I've had to put a little plaster on my left finger.

You don't realise how much you use your left finger until you've got a plaster on it. What are you doing with your left finger? Tell you what I'm doing, Rob, these days. The world's slowest texts. Because I can't use my left thumb on my screen because it's not i'm a one thumber you're one thumber yeah oh i'm well i am at the moment so yeah but what's happening josh apparently if you have hand foot and mouth you're um fingernails yeah no you've got to be kidding me who told you that no it's the thing google fingernails hand foot mouth they fall out

eventually because i'm not googling fingernails, hand, foot, mouth. Rose has just walked in. I'm recording this in the kitchen. OK, tell Rose your fingernails are going to fall out. Rose says my fingernails are going to fall out. Stop it. Honestly, Google it. I'm not going to Google it because there'll be images I don't want to see.

OK, do you want me to read it out to you? Yeah, read it out. Complications of hand, foot, mouth. Yeah, but that's a complication of hand, foot and mouth. In some cases... You're pretty gross, your fingers at the moment. Rose has just added that my fingers are gross. They are, I've just seen them, they're disgusting.

It says, in some cases, people may lose a fingernail or toenail after having hand, foot and mouth disease. Oh, God. Most reports of fingernail and toenail loss have been in men aged between 35 and 45. You've edited that. I edited that 45 you do that you've added that oh dear so far my fingernails are holding on in there only because you've got a plaster on your thumb holding it on i tell you what i i reckon i'd i could imagine the fingernail falling off

my wedding finger but a thumbnail coming off has got a bit... This is disgusting. People don't want to hear this, do they? Yeah, no, they don't want to hear this. But let's start your fingernails and thumbnails. Okay, I'll keep you informed over the festive season as to whether I've still got fingernails. Oh, God, this festive season feels like it's going on for so long. I've bought, since I last spoke to you on Tuesday, Rob,

I've bought one present. Okay, who for? Who for? Who for? Is she in the kitchen? No, she's not in the kitchen. All right. Oh, yeah, I have bought her main present now. Rose?

Rose, yeah. Unless someone else is in it. Who else is in the kitchen? No, no, Rose is left now. Okay. Who's, who's, who are you in the, oh, you're on your own, okay. Yeah, that's it. That's all I've done.

I've bought one present. I'm really struggling at the moment, Josh, because I've completely checked out for Christmas. Mentally, it is Christmas. Because when you... I don't know if I said this on the last one, because I've been a bit jet-lagged. Well, I'm not jet-lagged.

I just go to bed at 9pm and wake up at 3.30am. That's normal, isn't it? Yeah, fine. That's fine, totally. That's just a normal regime. Normal daytime regime. Does Lou need to make you cry out? Is that how it's going to work?

I'll cry out. She needs to just return to you and rub you back. And then when you start crying, come back in. It's the only way you'll learn. The problem is she's getting you up at 3.30. Oh, no. Do you know what happened last night, John? Well, basically, I finished my last tour show

and then flew back to the UK from Australia and it snowed and it's Christmas. My brain can't accept I've still got to go to work. I keep turning up to jobs going, I can't believe I've flown back from Australia. It snowed. How is it not Christmas? You've checked out for Christmas, Rob. That'd be a good Christmas song. I've checked out for Christmas. Checked out for Christmas Rob That'd be a good Christmas song

I've checked out for Christmas Checked out for Christmas I've got a really good idea for a Christmas film But I don't want to tell people on here Tell Tom Parry Well I don't want to tell them in case they nip the idea Well this is your way of copywriting it isn't it You know like they say

Are you aware of this copywriting thing You're going to write it all down And then put it in an envelope and send it to yourself Really So it's got like a time stamp on it Well okay I'll tell you another time write it all down and then put it in an envelope and send it to yourself. Really? So it's got like a timestamp on it. Well, okay. Well, I'll tell you another time.

All right, okay. I thought that was annoying, isn't it? I'll tell you now. Basically, the idea is that it's a pantomime and the pantomime is cast and it's just like reality stars or like EastEnders characters or actors and then it'll be some that used to be together and then they have to spend Christmas together because they get snowed in and they have to spend it in the theatre.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah, that's nice. I don't think anyone's going to make that. If they do, we'll know. Yeah. Dean Gaffney's already put 10 grand in. No, this is what happened, Josh. Me and Romesh did ice skating in Sheffield

for our Christmas special of Rob and Romesh versus. So when you say, I keep having to go out and work, it's all kind of relative, isn't it? You try ice skating in front of 10,000 people, and what happens is... All right, Todd Carty. You get kids that are excited to see all the Disney characters, and then me.

Oh, what, you did it at Frozen? No, Disney on Ice. Disney on Ice. Sorry. Yeah, so anyway. But I did that, came home, got home at 1am. And I'd been in, I'd got driven back because it was a train strike. And I needed to do a blow off so much, Josh.

And you can't find a car, can you? Right. No, but you can open the window. No, I can't. I'm not on the motorway. It's too awkward for a car, can you? Right? No, but you can open the window. No, I can't. I'm not on the motorway. It's too awkward for a long journey to just sit. And I knew I had to do a big one. But you're in the back.

I'm in the back. Back of the car. Oh, I'm doing that blow off. No, I'm a loud blow off-er, right? Anyway, so I got in and everyone was asleep. It was 1am and I got into bed and it was so warm and cosy. It was so cold out. And I lay in there and i did a blow off a fart

whatever you want to call it yeah the loudest one i've ever done and it woke lou up with a jolt like there was an intruder you know people don't they wake up like they're just gasping for breath that kind of yeah yeah yeah and then she said what was that and i had to say it was my bottom it's my anus it's my anus my anus um it's also we've had another birthday in our house it was my youngest birthday how did your cake hunt go cake hunt yeah basically the person making the cake is too ill to make the cake she's un unwell. Everyone's unwell, aren't they, at the moment? It's almost like it's a... I don't know. It feels like a...

It's the first winter in it without COVID stuff, isn't it? So we're all near each other. We're all farting. Yeah, well, you can fart all you want. I haven't got any fucking fingernails, mate, so I don't give a shit. Your little blister thumb. Horrible, horrible little blister thumb.

Yeah, so unfortunately, she's not very well, so she couldn't do it. But anyway, save the day. You came in with your cake-making expert. Is it Coghlan's Bakery? Coghlan's, yeah. Yeah, so they're helping out. So they're helping out.

They're making a cake. Yeah. That's their job. That got sorted. An Encanto cake. But they don't do character ones, so they're doing ones the right colours, and then we're putting toppers on it. Because party's on sunday we did the presents today one thing

that's quite funny and quite diva and i don't know if my daughters are ungrateful or i respect it sometimes lou wraps up like if she buys some nice clothes for winter but they need clothes obviously for winter she'll wrap them up as a a Christmas or a birthday present and go, here's an extra present. Like, here's a present. And my daughters go, clothes aren't presents.

We need them. You what? They don't, they don't. That's not acceptable, Rob. That's not, that, that.

I respect, they was like, nummy, these aren't presents. These are clothes. We need clothes. We want only luxury items. Yeah, no, but I think they just want toys.

They want toys. Like, well, no, it's got a present. That's incredible. They don't see clothes as a present. Obviously, clothes are a present if it's a clothes you want or a specific thing. Yeah. But if like... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But if it's just like, here's the clothes I would have bought you anyway. I've wrapped it up. Yeah, like, oh, here's a five pack of T-shirts from H&M in different colours. Yeah, yeah, that's shit. Which is fine, but that is like it feel it doesn't feel like so i don't know if you're a kid that is a that isn't a present yeah i think that's fair i think what i don't know if i'm supposed to say just trying to bolster the numbers i don't know i don't know if i'm supposed to say they're nice stuff it's quite jazzy they're like quite like jazzy clothes they're not too much basic it's not just like pack of knickers here's three socks for a five-year-old. But I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know if we should be telling them off or not. No, I don't think you can tell people off for not appreciating your shit present. Exactly. What are the rules on this? I think if anything, you should be telling Lou off, Rob. I'm not going to tell Lou off. No, I don't think you can. I'm still knee-deep in the...

The last conversation you had with her, you woke her up with a jolt. It was a proper like... Like a cartoon, like trombone. What I used to do... Do you ever remember when you first started dating someone? Did you cock your leg like a kind of... No, I didn't.

Like a man in a 70s sitcom? No, but that's what I normally do. We must... I think we spoke... I'm a cheek spreader normally. I've spoke about this, haven't I? Have you? Have you ever?

Once. Michael's panicking now because we've already overshot the time and he knows it's a late night edit. I'll quickly tell you this and we'll get Jared Christmas on. Basically, remember when you used to go and date someone and you started staying over at their house

and you didn't want to do a poo in their house? You didn't want to do any farts and all that kind of stuff because it's a new relationship it's like i'd be laying in bed with them and then like i'd go to the toilet but this girl i was in a toilet it was like an en suite at like union it was like right in the door it's like you could hear what was going on in there so i developed the technique which is the cheek spreader so it just silently comes out oh my word and but then i did one though because you know it was hurting so much when I was laying in the bed. Anyway, I got out,

I did it, and I pulled my cheeks apart and I actually timed it 43 seconds. Oh, I thought you were going to shit yourself. No,

no, no. You timed it? Yeah, like, because I suffer with gas, I can't eat wheat. I know,

I know, I know that. How did you time it? Your watch is on your arm which is holding your cheeks apart. Two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi. And honestly, I actually felt like

I was just going to fall to the floor like a sort of morph suit, because I was empty. Should we get Jared Christmas on? Yeah. So do you want to just do a bit of background, Rob? We've had Jared on before. We didn't get to talk about any parenting

because I made him tell a long story about Priscilla Presley. Yes, that feels quite on brand for us, doesn't it? Anyway, yeah. So we want to get him back and talk to him about parenting because he's one of our favourite people in the world. And I want to talk to him about people from New Zealand because he is very different to all the people I met there. And I thought I was getting a country full of Jareds.

And also, crucially, Rob, his surname's Christmas. Here's Jarrod Christmas. Jarrod, you look unbelievable. Have you lost weight? I have lost weight. Thanks, mate. Thanks. You haven't seen my stomach. Yeah. I have been trying to do 40 push-ups a day yeah in one go or spreading them out

spread out spread out i can barely do 10 in one go um spread out i was determined right i was like 40 a day i'm gonna be a machine yeah and then i reckon day four was when my elbow said, you're too fat for the strength in your arms. And I've now got tennis elbow. Oh, no. Yeah. Brutal. After four days?

Four days. Have you thought about varying your exercises away from just, I'm not a personal trainer, but I think a pure push-up diet is quite a weird way to approach fitness. Are you sure? Because it's meant to be an all-over workout, isn't it? It's like arms, bit of core. Maybe.

If you keep your legs and buns tight. Oh, you've got to keep your legs and buns tight. Mate, there's so many YouTube. I've watched so many YouTube videos. Of people keeping their buns tight. Yeah. Well, Jared, this is your second time on the show. Lucky.

Really lucky. A lot of people don't get asked back. No, it was a great. A lot of people don't ask to come back. Sorry, beg to come back. Jared,

for the people that have not listened before, you came on before and just told an amazing story about when you worked with Priscilla Presley for like 40 minutes and you didn't really talk about your kids. No, that's true. How old are your kids? You've got two daughters?

Yes, I do. 13-year-old and a 10-year-old. Right. And are they fans of Priscilla Presley? My youngest never met her, but the oldest did. Spent some time with PP. And she gave me a christmas bauble saying uh merry christmas 2012 priscilla presley on it so that's the first one that goes up on the tree yes guys talking point and i don't want to go back to pantomime but you've just come straight

from a panto haven't you uh yeah so i'm in panto at de montfort hall in leicester oh nice that's a lovely venue yeah with uh with aj and curtis pritchard but that's what i was getting to i want to hear about your daughters but also i really want to hear about aj and curtis pritchard oh they're good times man they're genuinely and so one of them's a dancer from strictly all right and love island oh of them can dance. Are those from Love Island? Oh, both of them can dance. Yeah. So AJ's from Strictly. Curtis did Love Island,

but he also did the Irish version of Dancing with the Stars or something. Those boys have got, they're like Shakira, their hips don't lie. Really? Yeah. Certainly their hips haven't lied to me. I don't know if they're lying to other people. Which is weird because we're strictly, a lot of the dancers' hips are lying all the time, aren't they?

They're our partners. Big time. But I had a beautiful, weird moment this morning when my wife rung me at 10am and our show was starting at 10am. And she rung me basically going, how do you pop the bonnet on the car? I need to put coolant into it.

So I'm talking her through that. Meanwhile, I can hear through the tannoy that there's a dance number and then I'm on. And so I'm talking her through putting coolant in the car. She's a very capable person, but we've just got one of those French cars that the bonnet thing is on the passenger side. Anyway, talking her through that, and then she's like,

this is so stressful, and I'm like, I'm about to go on stage and literally hung up from her and then ran straight on. Rock and roll. straight on. Rock and roll. So talk about your 10am show. Yeah, so all this week we've been doing shows for schools. So we do

a 10am show and then a quarter past one show. But from Saturday we're at 1pm and 5pm. And is it fun? It's a lot of fun. It's hard work. Is it festive? Is it really hard work? You know what I mean? There's a

lot of people going on strike who do actual hard work. And I'm going, oh, I've had to do two shows a day, guys. I barely have time in between shows to do a Wagamama Katsu Curry. Yeah, but what I would say is, after a month of AJ and Curtis Pritchard,

you may need a break. Maybe. Because they are both so pure and so nice, I would just be like, is there a darkness there? That's all I'm thinking all the time. It's just sweetness. I'm going to have to have so many fillings after hanging out with those guys because they're both proper sweet and evie evie uh pickerel from cbb's and your daughter's excited

about it yeah yeah big time have you introduced them to the pretzels uh they haven't got up there yet they're coming up um on the 28th to watch the show and are they excited or have they reached the age and i hate to say it, where they're embarrassed? No, the 13-year-old wants to be in a performing arts. She does drama and acting. So I think she watches it going, oh, I'd really like to be doing that. And the 10-year-old loves it.

Great. Loves it, yeah. She's not embarrassed by me yet. And what about your wife? What about your wife, Jared? How does she feel about watching you as buttons? There's a lot of eye rolling, especially, mate, I ran my material past her whilst she was trying to do her actual work

of marketing for a museum. And I'm sitting there going, do you think I can do a joke about the Russian buttons having a nightmare because Putin keeps trying to push him? Do you think I can do that? And she's like, I'm actually trying to do a proper job. How did the joke go down with the audience? Not allowed to do it.

Not allowed to do it. Not allowed to do it. There's been a couple of jokes that, not not allowed, I'm sure if I'd really pushed it, they just went, do you think that's what people who have spent a lot of money to come to a Christmas show, they want to be reminded about the potential of nuclear war? Yeah, no, fair call, guys.

Yeah, depends how long the second half is, doesn't it? Yeah. It might be a welcome relief. You know what it's like being a comedian. Sometimes you're just thinking of the joke, right? And you're like, oh, that's a, yeah. And then it takes that outside eye to sort of go to you, yeah, this is a panto.

Yeah, this is a panto. And so are you commuting every day to Leicester from Bath? No, I've got a day off tomorrow. So I drove back after the show tonight, and so I'll have tomorrow off, and then I'll drive back up on Saturday. I get one day off a week. Oh, so we've got you on here for your first run back home from the gig straight into your toilet to do a podcast. Straight into the toilet.

Oh, look, in all honesty, I used it first and then logged on. I heard my 13-year-old sing a couple of Christmas songs. She's learning the guitar. Oh, nice. She did a bit of that. I caught up with the 10-year-old. She's made a Christmas reef. So we had a bit of a catch-up. Now I'm on with you boys. And what's it like working over Christmas?

Do you miss your family? Yeah, I do. I get sad at night when I'm by myself. Oh, Jared! Don't get me wrong. I get sad at night when I'm by myself. Oh, Jared, Jared. Don't get me wrong. Don't get me wrong.

What are you thinking? I've watched a lot of Disney Plus. Yeah. That's not what you thought you were going to say. Oh, what did you think I was going to say, Josh? It wasn't Disney Plus. After a day of panto, I don't want to chop one out. Panto doesn't stir up the loins.

It's not a sexy show. Priscilla Presley's not in it this year, is she? No, but I'll tell you what, AJ and Curtis, they've got buns. I mean, they're not going to turn me, but I have looked. I have caught myself going, oh, man, he's doing more than push-ups josh is right that's what i was thinking is this the push-up regime an instant reaction to meeting aj and kerges pritchard i think it is mate i think it is i haven't put that much thought into it but now you've said it i think i'm feeling inadequate they're both so like hard aren't they their bodies are so hard. Chiseled.

Yeah. You know when blokes are comfortable with who they are and what their body is? So they just sit in their pants. Oh. Oh. Hey, I've constantly got a T-shirt on the go. Yeah, me too. Do you know, when I feel like I'm going through a bad period of not happy with the way I'm looking,

I wear a T-shirt in bed because I can't even be topless in bed. Really? Yeah. And not because of Rose, because I can't bear the thought of looking down on myself. Yeah. Oh. I once,

during, during sex, saw my body in the mirror and lost my erection. And so when's your last one before Christmas? You're doing Christmas Eve? Christmas Eve, yeah. And then you drive home. Drive home.

Get home about 11. Yep. Do Christmas Day, then drive back up Boxing Day. Oh, that's a brutal schedule, isn't it? It is brutal. It's tough on the kids, man. It's tough on the kids. It's really tough on Amelia.

But, you know, it's all about the, I was going to say Benjamins, but it's not over here, is it? The Greenbacks. It's all about the, I was going to say Benjamins, but it's not over here, is it? The Greenbacks. It's all about the Prince Charles and that. The Sterling. Yeah. King Charlie. The Reddies.

The KCs. It's all about the King Charlie. Sounds like you're doing it for loads of Coke. I've just got a massive Coke habit, so the kids are going to have to wait. It's the Christmas diet. It's what I talk about when I'm saying snow. It must be hard on them then because obviously there'll be a bed by the

time you get back or are they going to stay up for you? Christmas Eve they won't. New Year's Eve they will. Yeah. Hardcore. And what's your Christmas day like as a family? As a family, morning we do pancakes for breakfast we open presents and then around about midday head over to emilia's parents place and the whole family

gathers there and we just basically eat through the day and it's great and with the presents i found when me and rose got together we had different approaches to opening the presents and I didn't realise how controversial it was ok you're aware of you've met me, you know me, so I'll give you the two approaches and I'll ask you which you think is me yep

one of us will open all the presents in turn with everyone seeing each person open their presents so they can enjoy it. One of us thinks it should be a free-for-all where everyone just opens all the presents wherever they want to open their

presents, whether the people that gave it to them saw it or not. Okay, I'm judging by your tone that the second one is Rose's approach. Dripping with disgust. I'm actually on your side here, Josh, for that. I don't know about you, Jared.

No, I'm fully on your side. One at a time. Everyone takes turns. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. And it makes it last longer. Yeah. But when do you do yours, Jared?

And when do you do yours, Josh? What time of the morning or day? Well, not quite first thing. It used to be absolute first thing, but the kids are a bit older now, so we can hold them off for maybe 45 minutes till, you know, till dad can have a, at least splash water on his face.

Do you still do stockings? Yeah. Yeah, don't tell them that, though. Yeah. Yeah, don't tell them that, though. Josh, I imagine you're an afternoon guy after dinner. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Can you imagine holding out that long? Oh, God.

There are people that do that. Scum. Actual scum. Sorry. Eight seconds ago, you imagined I was one of them. Have you heard of these people who don't do presents on Christmas day anymore they go out to the Boxing Day sales

get all the bargains come on now you're not living you're not living you're being dictated by market forces and that's no way you're being dictated by market forces, and that's no good. Exactly.

You're human Bitcoin. Yeah. I liked the flow of that. I don't fully understand that statement. Me neither. I don't understand it. I was all over it. I wasn't going to question that kind of logic. Yeah, so I'd go breakfast.

Rose then will go, there needs to be some kind of food prep that happens for a bit and then we do the presents about 11 maybe it's still a long wait mate yeah i'm not half pray he's half prick jared isn't he he's off praise mate i've never met such a semi in my life Mate, I've never met such a semi in my life How old are your kids? Five and one Okay, see they can The five year old must be complaining

No, because she's high on the stocking, isn't she? Oh, she's desperate to help make the lasagna, isn't she? No, she's not Because I dropped the courgette, Dad I make the lasagna on Christmas Eve And put it in the Well, I don't put it in the fridge because there's no room.

I put it in the shed outside. That's what happens. Really? Yeah. You leave a lasagna outside overnight? I tell you, that's one shit that's not getting robbed. Yeah. Breaking into a shed on Christmas Eve

and just finding a veggie lasagna. It's a bad fucking section. I hear about Josh. he's got section. What's he doing? Keeps making lasagnas and leaving them in the shed, the weird nutter. What were you going to leave in the shed? There's not enough room in the fridge,

and the shed is basically refrigerated because it's so cold out there. That should be a sign from the universe that you shouldn't be making it and eating it. I like the logic of it. I do really like this time of year being able to just leave alcohol outside in the evening.

Exactly. And then I crunch through the snow and go and get my vegetable lasagna on Christmas Day. God. I'll be honest, mate. I'd leave it out there. I'd have all intentions of going out and getting it and then I'd be like

fuck that usually a fox will poke his nose into the lasagna and jog on do you cover it up? yeah of course I cover it up what with cling film or with tinfoil?

a foil a foil okay now I'm Christmas morning I'm going to look out my back window in my garden at the shed and go Josh has got lasagna in his one

What have you got in yours? What have you got in yours? A lawnmower or something? I've got a trifle in there So sorry Let me put you in a situation Your fridge reaches capacity Yeah Garage fridge I've got a garage fridge Let me put you in a situation. Your fridge reaches capacity. Yeah.

Garage fridge. I've got a garage fridge. You've got a garage fridge. A garage fridge will change your life. Dreams really do come true, mate. What is cold beer? Well, shed fridge. You've got power in your shed. The shed fridge will be the same temperature as the shed.

What's the point of having the fridge? Summertime. Thank you, Jared. These seasons, mate. Fucking wake up, mate. Jared, I want to talk to you about in February, after the panto is all done, you're doing your show again. Yeah.

For kids. For kids. The family show. I like saying family show because when you say kids show, parents automatically switch off. They think, ah, fucking Peppa Pig, isn't it? I like to take more of the approach

of Ben and Holly. I think it's by the same people. There's the same voices in it, but Ben and Holly's got a lot more in it for the parents. A lot more. A lot more. Like, significant. Like, Peppa Pig, she's a spoiled fucking twat. I hate Peppa Pig.

And Daddy Pig is just put upon. I mean, look, Mummy Pig's incredible. The real hero is Miss Rabbit. I've got a claim to Peppa Pig fame. Go on. Oh, yeah? When we did ice skating, me and Romesh, the ice skating instructor, her dad invented Peppa Pig.

Oh, my God. Why is she bothering doing that job? I know. Minted. Well, I don't know. How much is he worth to me right now? So much. Feels something, isn't it?

He's really bringing home the bacon. Fill me pockets. That's what he says. Oh, really good. Really good. Seriously. But she was a very nice, well-adjusted person. She wasn't like, you know, people you meet that their family have done well

and they can be, but she was very nice, normal and hardworking. It's hard to be arrogant when you're like, yeah, my dad invented Peppa Pig. Yeah. Compared to my dad's a hotel magnet or my mum mum's a, you know, invented lingerie. Yeah. He invented it. Invented it. She was crazy.

She had a really sore arse and went, look, I need to do something about this. Your mum was Anne Summers. Do you know, my mum, in the 1980s, in Christchurch, New Zealand, when microwaves were first released. Oh, yeah. She was one of the first microwave salespeople in New Zealand.

Oh, really? Yeah. She had to do a week-long course on microwaving shit. Seriously, for like six months, all our meals were microwaved. Really? She had to test all these recipes. And back then, they were claiming you could roast a chicken in a fucking microwave.

I think it's quite an easy sell, though, because they changed everything. You're not trying to sell the sandwich toaster or something. The microwave is an easy sell. My mum was at the sharp end of that spear, mate. But wasn't there a lot of bad press that affected you? Because my mother-in-law still now, if I stop the microwave before it's finished and just pull the door open,

she's like, no, shut the door. The waves will get out. I was like, what? I don't know what you're saying. But that was a thing. People were scared of the microwaves, weren't they? Well, my mum instilled in me a really full-on fear of putting metal in the microwave. Oh, yeah, well, that's a good fear, right?

I mean, yeah, I think it is, but I had a mate when I was a teenager called Dylan who I was over at his house and he just went, should we have baked beans for lunch? And I was like, yeah, cool, and he just took a can of baked beans and put it straight in the microwave. just went, should we have baked beans for lunch? And I was like, yeah, cool. And he just took a can of baked beans. Oh, my God. Put it straight in the microwave. And you know those moments in life where you go, no, and then it's too late.

And have you ever seen a lightning storm within your house? No. Because that is what happens, man. These lightning bolts going into the can. Mate, it's awesome. Fucking hell. I mean, he ruined the microwave and that was it. But it was pretty awesome to watch.

But at least your mum got another sale. Yeah, that's true. That's true. It's part of her plan. Let's talk about your kids. Let's talk about your kids. We can't make the same mistake twice. No, no.

I want to talk about New Zealand as well. Can I talk about New Zealand? We can also talk about your show. We'll talk about the show and we'll talk about New Zealand. Because that's kids related. Right, let's do the show. The show is at the South Bank again and it's your beatbox show with Hobbit.

Yeah, the Mighty Kids beatbox comedy show. And this is our third time at South Bank. And you sold out last time? Because you're in the big room this time. Is that right? Yeah, we're in the big room now. Because we sold out two years in a row in the 350 the elgar room or something um what what kind of uh what ages is it for it's like four to you know nearly dead it's um i mean i shouldn't put that on the ad don't come

if you're dead no uh It really is a family show. There's so much in it. Obviously, Hobbit is an incredible beatboxer. We do knock-knock jokes, but with beatboxing. We just zhuzh everything up. Yeah, and there's loads of audience interaction one of the biggest things we do is we create at the end we create a song from sounds that we get from the audience like getting kids to make the sound of a seagull going on on a roller coaster and then

we record that sound and pop it into a loop so amazing and and hobbit just weaves it all together and oh incredible creates a song to end on it it's really really good as well aren't you i'm just dicking around right he's bringing the talent and i am just being like a lunatic ringmaster interacting with kids what's it like to play because i've watched enough episodes of just Justin's House to think that looks absolutely unplayable. Yeah. What's it like to play an audience of, I know there'll be parents there, but primarily children. Is it tough?

Is it different? You learn pretty quick that they don't get self-deprecation. They just take shit at face value. So if you, excuse me, if you do that comedian thing that, that we all do every now and then, which,

you know, you tell a joke and it gets nothing and you comment on that. Well, well, that was a bit rubbish. You know, something like that. Kids just go,

Oh, it was rubbish then. Oh, okay. It was rubbish. Do you know what I mean? They don't, they just take it at face value.

I used to, um, that's why Mr. Tumble goes, Oh, that was Do you know what I mean? They just take it at face value. I used to... Do you think that's why Mr. Tumble goes, oh, that was... You know when he goes back to... Justin goes back to Mr. Tumble and he goes, oh, that was so funny. He gives himself a little self-reinforcement.

What's in my spotty... Have you ever met him on the Panto circuit i've met him a few times he's lovely yeah and he's incredible he's a absolute legend and where did you meet him through uh well i did a kids show a cbbc show called uh the joke machine yeah um where we got kids to tell me jokes and i i was like this alien from outer space and i beamed kids into my ufo and they told me a joke and if i liked it celebrated it and if i didn't like it i ejected them out of the spaceship or unleashed my like the end of graham norton yeah but you know digitally affected firing a kid out of a spaceship or releasing a dinosaur to crush them.

And there were jokes that if the same jokes kept coming up, like, what do you call cheese that's not yours? Nacho cheese. And whenever that one came up, it would cut to a clip of me, you know, with maracas and being culturally sensitive a different time from your story there um sorry about this tumble what was you saying he's talking about the uh so i met him through doing cbbc stuff and was he what was he like what's going on there what's going on there no that's what i thought I thought there's got to be a sinister side.

But the guy is straight up goddamn likeable. The show, the Mighty Kids Beatbox Comedy Show, is 15th of February, 11am in half term. It's an hour long. And I think it's pretty good value. It's 12 quid for adults, 9 quid for kids. And then you're up in the South Bank, which is an hour long. And I think it's pretty good value. It's 12 quid for adults, nine quid for kids. And then you're up in the South Bank, which is an amazing venue. And then you're out and about in London for a bit of lunch straight after.

Because it's quite a good time. It's still a huge sale. 11 a.m. is a great time. The kids are still fresh. Yeah. They've had breakfast, given some sweets. And then by the time they're losing their mind, straight in for a bit of lunch, they're at home.

You don't want to be out late. No one wants a 5pm show, kids. They're exhausted by then. And it's part of the Imagine Festival that South Bank does. So there's loads of stuff going on. Oh, brilliant. Definitely get some tickets. Jared, can I talk to you about New Zealand quickly and your kids?

You can talk to me about whatever you want, mate. So I went to New Zealand, right, on tour, and you gave me a good recommendation for dinner. I was expecting lots of Jared Christmases. Big, fun, wee! You see, that's the New Zealanders. They're not like you, are they, Jared? No, mate.

Is this why you left? Left? Forced out, mate. They're so repressed and quiet and nervous. Basically, when I left, they said, mate, you've got too much enthusiasm. Yes, yes. I thought I was going mad. It's the same reason we want to get rid of Rob.

Yeah. But they are really... And what's weird, because Australians are so laid back and chilled and everything takes ages when they talk. But New Zealand, they talk really quick, even though there's no rush. There's nothing going on. And also, did you find audiences would hold back quite a bit until the end? Yeah, they're a bit like quiet and in themselves,

just trying to get them out of their shell. So even if someone come in late and I was like, oh, hello, where you been? I'm being polite. They would ignore me. Even if I was like a centimeter from their face, they'd just look down and get to their seat. Yeah, they're like, mate, some shit went down.

I just don't want to bloody talk about it. I'm here for you to cheer me up. So let's just do that, yeah? Oh, yeah, nah. I'm going to go see Rob Beckett, eh? Did you have a lime milkshake i didn't have a lime milkshake i went to the white lady place the white lady burger the shack in uh in thingy um but um but yeah no i just i just couldn't believe i was expecting a country full of people like you nah and they're very quiet yeah yeah have you taken your kids back there, Jared? Yeah.

Do they like it? Weirdly, what popped into my head was a memory that Maggie, my oldest, had her first ever donut in New Zealand. Wow. She was like, oh, my gosh, she must have been four. And we realised, oh, we're awful parents. We've not given her a donut in her life. Like, four's quite late to get a donut.

I don't know what my first donut was. I think it is. But I don't think you should beat yourself up. It's not like you said she couldn't have one. She just never asked for one. It's not like it was vegetables or water. I've not been able to let it go, Rob. It's just been plaguing me. So with my youngest daughter,

that's all she has is donuts you correct your parenting mistakes with the second one they call shops dairies you know like the little corner shops just little shops near us they're called dairy because that's where you get your milk from

corner dairy would you ever go back yeah for good Dairy corner dairy. Yeah. And then would you ever go back? Uh, yeah. For good. Oh, for good.

Are you trying to tell me something, Josh? Um, can you leave for good? Uh, he's just got a gig on GB news. Um, I got asked to go on that.

Did you? Yeah. I said, no. Good decision. Yeah. I think it was a strong decision um i was just like i don't think it's my cup of tea mate and that was when i realized i've become a bit british uh i i don't know if i would move back there because you know i've been here 22 years now

there because you know i've been here 22 years now and you know i'd have to operate everything i think i think if disaster struck if my wife finally realized i have married a dickhead um and was like i'm out i'd then be like i think i might need to retreat to to new zealand to the homeland yeah that's an interesting decision what would's a fun game, isn't it? What would you do if you got divorced? Yeah, what would I do? Welcome to parenting hell. That could be our final question, our new final question. Obviously, it's going well at the moment,

but what would you do if you got divorced? Well, have you gone to the doctors and spoken to them about getting a vasectomy? No, I haven't. No, we haven't done that. Mate, they ask they asking weird like that you go in and they go um i've not had the vasectomy yet i was full on not not certain about your marriage then i was full on prepping to get it and then uh then covered but i went into

the doctors and said can i walk in for a vasectomy? Can I ask quickly what prompted you to do? Because I'm genuinely, what was the decision? Was that yours? Was it both of you? Joint decision. Joint decision. Yeah. Who brought it up first?

And also, I'm a big raw dog fan. How did it come about? Raw dog fan. You know me, I'm bareback Billy. No, it was kind of a joint decision. Yeah. Who brought it up first, do you remember? It was me.

Yeah. So have you had it done? No, I haven't had it done. And now we're kind of going, ah. Doesn't matter. You might have another kid. Yeah. Do you think?

No. God, no. No way. so what's it taught me through the doctor's appointment so i i didn't even get to the doctor so i went to see the doctor about something else um if you want to know a rash on the top of my feet uh what was it eczema i've now got a topical sort of uh hydrocortisone cream that I put on there. It's a recurring thing when my feet get really hot. Can I ask a question? Do you put it on and rub it in with your hands

or do you use the bottom of your feet? The bottom of the other foot. I thought you were going to ask if I use my willy. No, no, no. Yeah, and then I said, hey, can I book for a vasectomy? And he said, yes, but you need to do a consultation appointment first, and your wife has to come along to that. And I was like, why?

I mean, she's not going to do that. How do you know I'm not single? Well, he, yeah. Yeah, that's true. I mean, he did have my file there. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and he had asked me really personal questions. Do you find sometimes the doctors, when you go for something,

they write that letter and go, Jared Christmas is a 41-year-old comedian. And they put like little extra information. Have you ever read that? No. What do you mean? What are they writing to? Most of the time the doctors, one for me,

is Jared Christmas thinks he's a comedian. He's a straight man for a beatboxer. Right, so he said your wife's got to come in. Your wife's got to come in for it as well. I said, why? And he said, because we need to make sure that you both agree with this decision and that you're mentally stable and you will be asked questions about, like, because he said,

for instance, what happens if you split up and then you meet someone else and you want to have a family with them? And I was like, hang on. I came in for itchy feet and now I'm imagining. Yeah, but you don't want that conversation sat next to your wife. That should be like one-on-one with a doctor going, well. Yeah, look, doc, we might split up. I don't want any more kids.

So it's fine. Yeah. So you never went in for the, mate, I'm still popping out live swimmers. Jared, the danger here is, though, you get a little bit overconfident, a little bit cocky. Before you know it, you've got another kid at the age of 48. I know. And that's true.

That's the danger, isn't it, if you get, like, a fluke of pregnancy? Yeah. One thing Josh really wants to ask, and I want to know as well, what's it like being called Christmas at Christmas? Yeah. Okay. So, I mean, let's do it. i don't know if you want a deep dive yeah let's take that i do want to take dive here so obviously obviously got shit at school yeah um

i went to a all boys secondary school uh for a while until i left um and genuinely a kid joined my class called richard puller dick puller um and mate he started taking all the heat and i loved that guy he took a lot of heat away from me yeah big up dick puller turns up heats off me for a bit. But there were, I remember as a kid, there were, I think, six other Christmases in the phone book. And I know that because I prank called them. Right. Because we were getting prank phone calls. Were you?

Yeah. I mean, come on, it was in the early 90s. What kind of pranks was it? Hi, is Santa there? Oh, fucking hell. Give it another minute before you dial the number. Have a think. Mate, my dad gave me the best comeback for it.

He said, look, if anybody rings up and asks for Santa, you just say to them, you've got the wrong number. His surname's Claus. And it just shut them right down, man. Shut them right down. Answered it seriously. Yeah. And by the way, my dad is the same bloke who uh when we

were in a restaurant one time as kids with my mom and dad and we were getting really bad service and my dad just straight faced it called the waiter over and said can i speak to kermit and the waiter said kermit kermit doesn't work here. And my dad said, well, who's running this Muppet show? Oh. Mate. Hero. Hero. What a moment.

Is your dad's first name? Chris. No. No. Yeah. It's Christmas. Yeah. He's not called Chris Christmas.

He is called Chris Christmas. He's not. He's not. 100% on his life. It's Christmas. He's not called Chris Christmas. Stop. I do stand up about it because my whole family is riddled with ridiculous names.

There's no way it's Chris Christmas. Even my name is spelt J-A-R-R-E-D. That's jarred. And my dad's Chris Christmas. Chris Christmas. Unless you want the tongue twister, which is Christopher Christmas. Nolly Christian. Do you know the best

one? This is the best one. Okay, there's a couple of good ones. My auntie. My mom's called Ramadan. My auntie who married my dad's brother, her name is Carol Christmas, so backwards. Yeah. Oh, yes, please. But at least she's married into it.

Your dad's parents have made the decision consciously. Yeah, they just went for it. Considering his brother's called Raymond, Raymond Christmas. That's a great name, isn't it? Ray Christmas. So backwards, it's Christmas Ray. That sounds like something joyful to get shot by a visiting alien. He's happy with the Christmas ray.

And so your daughter's Christmases. Yeah, of course they are. So how's that going in the UK? Well, I thought you might have taken your wife's name to spare them. I did not. She's poor. I did not put any demands on my wife to take my surname. What's your wife's?

So did she take your name? She did. Yeah. She wanted to. What's her name web web with two b's and i was i look i was bang up for all of it i was up for her not taking the name because i you know i was like i know the burden i've had yes and you're willingly taking this on board and does that make christmas a bigger thing in your house? No. No. What does that mean? I don't know. I think if I was called Christmas, I'd feel I needed to give it an extra 10%. That's my thing.

Maybe. Maybe. I don't think that's how it works. I don't think anybody with the surname Fisher is just like, oh, we better get into fishing. When you're doing panto at Christmas time, do you write a surname? I hope they booked me because they like what I do.

No, no, no. I didn't mean you get booked for that. I mean, do you on stage go, I've got a couple of gigs. No, because I'm playing Buttons. Buttons Christmas, you could be. Oh, that't make sense. I'm so tired. So people

will be in the panto going, I can't deal with this. Is it real? Is it fake? Is he playing a character? What's going on here? Buttons Christmas. And how are your kids getting them with the surname Christmas? Do they get stuff at school or is it more chilled? I don't think they do, you know. It's a different generation now.

I've just heard a lot of kids telling my daughters that they really like their surname. And that's been the big change, is that I'm hardened from the 90s of taking bullets, man. And so I like checking into hotels at Christmas time. Hi, I've got a booking for Christmas. Oh, you're a bit early. And I used to hate it.

I used to just bloody give them Stonehenge face. Do you change it to Easter for the spring? Yeah, I'm adaptable. And I change it to Pancake Day. But it was actually my wife Amelia said, why don't you just go with it? Because no one's saying it maliciously. They're just saying it because it's a really interesting name.

And she said, they smile when they read. Do you know what I mean? So I made a conscious decision about five years ago. I'm going to lean into this shit and see if my wife is right. And obviously, I didn't think she was. I thought, no. But then I rock up to a hotel. Oh, Christmas, this is a lovely, what a lovely surname.

I'm like, oh, thank you. And then she said, I shouldn't say this, but is your mum named Mary? And I went, oh, can you? And I just this, but is your mum named Mary? And I went, oh, can you? And I just went, can you imagine if it was? And she's just laughing. And suddenly I'm having a great positive interaction with them. There was one hotel I was checking into and the guy said. Did they say there's no room at the inn?

No, because that's comedian level. Yes. Banter. And also, as we all know, the Premier Inn in Bethlehem has got 1,000 rooms. It does. It's the biggest one. It's where Lenny Henry did the advert. Yeah.

I did get a good one where the guy said, do you need car parking? And he said, I'll be honest, you can probably just put the sleigh on the roof. Oh, that is strong. That is good. Yeah, I thought that's strong. I would say, being called Christmas is like,

oh, people are excited about that and they'll go home and go, there's a guy called Christmas where if you're Dick Puller, you're being laughed at. You can't lean into Dick Puller. People are excited to meet you. People are excited to take the piss out're Dick Puller, you're being laughed at. You can't lean into Dick Puller. People are excited to meet you. People are excited to take the piss out of Dick Puller.

Yeah. Yeah. He must have changed his name. Surely. Surely. All he's one of those people now who is like, my name is Richard. Yeah. Yeah.

One of them. You're like, here we go. Bit of trauma coming through at the birth of your first child yeah how quickly until someone said father christmas to you oh straight away the midwife straight away yeah yeah yeah like my daughter my daughter's head was barely out of being inside my wife father christmas yeah uh another one was uh she said oh um oh it was uh with my youngest who's born in february she said it's only february and you've got your very own christmas present oh that was a bit weak though wasn't it yeah it was that would annoy me that would annoy me but But I was totally emotional. I've been away, you know,

I've been with my wife every minute while she was going through labour. She was rocky bell-bowling it all the way through. You've got a great beard. Thank you. Currently, and I'm not saying it won't be for a good while yet,

it is jet black stroke brown. Are you suggesting something, Josh? What colour is it going to go, Josh? Well, when it goes, when it loses its colour, and you've got a big white beard, and you're called Christmas, are you going to lean into it at that point? Oh, mate, Christmas time

I'm just going to, I'm going to ride on the back of trucks in a red jumper with a Coca-Cola. That's how much I'm going to lean on the back of trucks in a red jumper with a Coca-Cola. That's how much I'm going to lean into it. Because if you grow the air in the bed, that is... A mate of mine a while back said to me that his son, who was at that time maybe five years old, at Christmas time, they were talking about Father Christmas, and he said,

is your mate Jared going to come around to give us presents and the disappointment in his voice my moment going it would have been the worst thing ever he said i was hoping that you'd just knock on the door at that point and my son would just be like ugh christmas sucks oh so yeah yeah. You have to lean it, yeah. If it's positive, you can pick up the vibe. If someone's being a dickhead, then you just shut them down, right? I'm going to say I didn't expect we'd get as much out of Christmas as we did. Mate, if someone's being a dickhead... No, I mean the word.

That wasn't me and Rob talking after the interview. We thought we were going to get five minutes and that was it. after the interview. We thought we were going to get five minutes and that was it. We've done our time and I still don't think we spoke about your kids properly, Jared. We never do.

There's too many distractions. Sorry. Look, my kids are great. Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas. Goodbye. We won't hold you up anymore because you've got a day off now

with your wife and kids. It doesn't matter. I'm in the toilet, mate. I usually spend this amount of time in the toilet do you guys do that do you take devices into the bathroom oh yeah i'd struggle to sit on the toilet without a phone now yeah weird isn't it because you didn't i didn't take uh i guess it's the equivalent of a book you know yeah book when people have a book next to the toilet i used to always think who the fuck is reading on the toilet oh and, I love reading on the toilet.

And now I'm the guy sitting there scrolling through. I scroll. I used a little footstool that the kids have to get off on the toilet as my little poo angler because you should have your knees higher and your bum, shouldn't you? Yeah. So I've been doing that.

That's quite, I like that. And it flies out of me. What are you doing on your day off with the kids tomorrow? Well, they're at school, last day of school. Oh. Yeah. But then I've got Friday night, and then I'll leave at about 9 o'clock Saturday morning.

Lovely. You'll have loads of time off in January. And then February the 15th, 11 a.m., South Bank Centre. 11 a.m., South Bank Centre. Get a ticket. Love it. Get a ticket. Jared, thank you so much for coming on, mate.

Thank you. I really appreciate it, guys. That was brilliant. Thanks, mate. Good luck with the show. Thanks, team. Cheers, mate. Jared Christmas there.

There's Jared. And we better go because it's 9.30pm on Thursday the 15th of December and this episode's got to go out on Friday the 16th of December and Michael's got to edit it. Good luck Michael. Oh God. Oh Michael. Love Jared. Go and see his show. It's absolutely brilliant. Great tip for half term in London and in Leicester. Josh, I'll speak to you soon.

Yeah, bye.