Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP43: The Sad Dads Disco

Episode Date: December 20, 2022

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Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whittaker. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Phoebe, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Maeve, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And Phoebe, Josh Whittacombe. Josh Whittacombe.

Maeve? That's Rick. It always cute, isn't it? Always cute. Always works. Hello, Rob and Josh, Lou and Rose and Sexy Michael. I'm not sure about him getting this Sexy Michael thing.

No offence to Michael, who obviously listens to this. He's a good-looking guy. I wouldn't put... Sexy's quite strong. Sexy's a different thing, isn't it? Handsome, sure, sexy voice, but just sexy. Do you think I'm sexy?

No. None of us are. Who's sexy? David Beckham. Is David Beckham sexy? Well, yeah, I think he'd be down as sexy. Who else is sexy? The guy who played Elvis, sexy.

Even I thought about maybe it's time to have sex with a man just to see. Anyway, Michael, I'm just not sure about the sexy. What you're saying is I should stop amending those emails. Just put very handsome and, you know, above average penis. We've been listening to the podcast since the very beginning and can't wait to come and see you both live at the O2 in April. Here is a voice note from our daughters, Phoebe 5 and Maeve 2. We hoped for shy, bookish kids, but got two absolute nutters.

At least life isn't boring. Sorry about the end of the voice note. That's my husband, Dan, yelling at the kids to put their shoes on. Sending you all the best wishes for Christmas and beyond. Hannah and Dan from... Shropshire. Buckinghamshire. Oh, God, I knew it was a sheer.

Yeah, well done. Thanks, mate. How are God, I knew it was a sheer. Yeah. Yeah, well done. Thanks, mate. How are you? You all right? All right. How are you? I've had an absolute disaster.

Good. Well, I'm doing this at the end of my garden, don't I, the podcast? Yeah. And we just did a little bit of, we had to record something, and then I went, oh, can I quickly go to the toilet for the next episode,

run to the house, and it's cold and rainy. The snow's gone, but it's cold still, rainy. I'm barefooted, long story. It wasn't rainy when I come down to the garden. It was dry. And I run to the house and went to open the back door, locked from the inside.

Lou's gone out. What? You're locked out? Yeah, I'm locked out. Well, I've got access to this room to do recording, but there's nothing in here. How long's Lou out for? I don't know. No idea. She's not replied to my text message. So I've just access to this room to do recording, but there's nothing in here. How long has Lou out for? I don't know.

No idea. She's not replied to my text message, so I've just pissed in the garden. Oh, my God, that's incredible. Did you? Yeah. Where did you go? It's weird, actually, because you... A lot of options there.

Lucky it's raining. There's a lot of options, and I just sort of think, I don't know if piss is good for a plant or bad for a plant, so I didn't know whether to pick a really healthy one that could take the damage or go for one that's struggling and give it a bit of a boost up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't think it's healthy for a plant. Because I had a Barocca earlier, so I didn't know if that would help the tree. Right, yeah, yeah, of course. That's good. So I pissed in the garden in the rain and now I'm back here broadcasting. Have you got any supplies?

If you're out there all day. No, not really. I've got no water or food. It's raining. Yeah, I could just go in the garden and open my mouth like a bird. I've got an empty glass from a drink I had earlier. Maybe I should put that. Can you drink rainwater?

Go and put that in the garden now. What? Yeah, of course you can drink rainwater. It's the best water. Right. Okay. I'll put my glass out there now and see how much I get by the end of the record. And the podcast by downing a pint of water. Yeah, a pint of rainwater. I'll do that. I'll pop my glass out there now and see how much I get by the end of the record. And the podcast by downing a pint of water.

Yeah, a pint of rainwater. I'll do that. I'll pop it out there. And we'll see how we get on, Josh. You'll take it very well, I think. But I suppose you're confident. I don't know if you're allowed to drink rainwater. Of course you are.

It's fresh from the cloud. Yeah, I think a bit of grills would, wouldn't they? Yeah, exactly. So Lou's gone out with your daughters. Yeah, because they're off for christmas now which is a ball you're suffering as well because you've got a play date this afternoon it's kicking off in your house my kids lou's taking them somewhere i don't know where yeah um but yes it does impact your especially working from home because yeah you can't you're not really

able to work from home because then the kids just basically bowl in. So what we do is slightly awkward, isn't it? It's slightly awkward on December. What are we on? 20th, 19th to go. I'm going to go upstairs and do a podcast. It doesn't feel right, does it? But it is technically work. But no one respects it, Josh.

Remove the word technically, Rob. It is work. This is work. I'm working. I'm having to put up with you for, you know, an hour a week. Exactly, that's a living. That's a living. We're learning how to live it, man.

We're just trying our best. Yeah, so I've got a play date this afternoon and the house isn't to the level of tidy that Rose or I want it to be for people to come around. Okay, if Rose was away and you had this play date happening, is the house for you in an acceptable state? I'm going to take the fifth on that. I'm going to...

No comment. No comment. Okay. No, it's not. There's bags of clothes, Rob. There's been bags of clothes. There's been bags of clothes, yeah. I've cleared out my wardrobe.

And you've got to put it somewhere. Back in the wardrobe? No, no, no. They're going to a charity shop. Really? Do they do kids clothing there as well? Do they take that? Josh?

What? How did that feel? How did that feel? I felt like it was a bit of fun, but I really needed you to sort of join in on it. I know. But you went quiet, and I just felt bad for saying that you wear children's clothes

because you're small. You don't have to play VAT on them, Rob. It's a win. I do that, but I just wear books. You sort of need a knowledge of what has VAT applied on it for that joke to work.

I can't remember whether it's a cake or a biscuit. It's one of the two, isn't it? Yeah, whatever the play to the least amount of tax is basically what it is. Anyway. So, yeah, so it's a bit messy. So you've got to tidy up because you've got quite a busy play date, haven't it? Yeah, whatever the play's the least amount of tax is basically what it is. Anyway. So,

yeah, so it's a bit messy. So you've got to tidy up because you've got to play. You've got quite a busy play date, haven't you? You were saying? It's quite a lot of kids.

Three of my daughter's friends and their siblings are coming as well. So how many siblings are there? So how many kids are you going to have in your house? You've got your two. Two plus two

plus two plus four. Ten. Ten. Whoa. That's a lot. That's a tasty, that's a tasty afternoon.

Right. So what's your plan with the ten kids? Well, this is my question. Go on. The four friends will look after themselves. They'll probably go into your daughter's room to play. Yes. Because you don't have a playroom in your house, do you, as such? No.

You've got, like, a bit of toys in the kitchen, and then you've got their bedrooms. So the four friends are going to the bedrooms. Yes, correct. There's the 18-month-olds who's going to be tearing about. That's it. Being followed by you and Rose. What do I do with older kids?

How old? What ages are they? Probably about two years old. So probably about a couple of seven-year-olds and a couple of ten-year-olds, say. Boy or girls? Three girls and a boy. I'd say normally whenever there's an older boy at my house they're desperate to play on some sort of computer or a switch or a playstation so you could

if you had one of them you could just get that kid set up because i'm an adult no sure um but i'd say that's normally a good one if you just have a playstation set up they will sit there four or five hours not moving moving. Maybe a Christmas film. A Christmas film. There you go. And I would get sweets and popcorn and make it like a fun thing and put on a Christmas film for them. That's a good one. That's a good one.

There's a quiet room with the film on, and then there's also, they can play in the room upstairs. Yeah, that's a good one. Okay. Good work. That's what I'd suggest. I just suddenly thought I don't know how to relate to older kids do you know what i mean yeah also it's what i've discovered was that they they're

cleverer and so like i don't know when my kids were like three and five there was like a nine year old that came around and i was like and they're running around someone said no you must be running around with that anyway yeah but i want to and run around with it i was like oh okay i mean they're not that clever rob that's well that's that's what happened yeah well no i was like oh so they just do that do they i just don't give a shit and now i've got to try and parent a kid that's not mine or grass him up yeah yeah that's um that's it's difficult isn't it well we'll see how it goes i'm interested to hear how it goes i think it'll be fun i'm looking looking forward to it. Chilling out with the parents. Having a good old chin wag about the school,

that kind of thing. You want to speak to the parents though, don't you? You like socialising. I love socialising, Rob. I'm a social animal. You're a social butterfly.

You're more social than me, actually. But on paper, you'd assume... No, I love it. I absolutely love socialising. Sound like you're panicked at a job interview.

What are your hobbies? Do you know what? It is literally just socialising. I like you're panicked at a job interview. What are your hobbies? Do you know what? It is literally just socialising. I just love it. I'm a man of extremes, Rob. I like to be at home doing nothing in the evening or socialising. I wouldn't say that's an extreme. That's the thing, Rob.

Allow as many people as possible or as few as possible. Oh, right, that kind of thing. Okay, so you love it busy in the house and those people coming over and stuff like that okay and you pop in a few bottles of booze or something or is it a dry one what we're doing are you still drinking or not i uh sorry i drank at a wedding fair enough that's that's standard yeah so that was my first drink in two months two months right yeah i was just quite excited well i saw you the next day and you look very excited by life yeah so but also because i i've got to the point in those two months where i wasn't that fussed about drinking and i've been in a lot of social situations where i didn't drink

i didn't drink at the wedding till after i'd done the speech because i was best man yeah so i didn't drink until joint best joint best man joint best man didn't drink till half seven so actually i was one of the more together people at the wedding what time did you finish then what did it half 12 right okay that's not too bad no what time's your daughter's bedtime i think our kids go to bed too early so my son goes to bed at 6.45, I'd say, is when Rose tends to leave the room, 6.50. So that's actually in bed to go to sleep, not the bath and all that? So we take him up at 6.15 and I'd say he is left in his room between 6.45 and 7. Okay, sure. And then, and your daughter?

And my daughter. So I try and do my daughter so i try and do my daughter i try and overlap that so she'll probably have a bath while yeah generally they had they had one together last night but that's that's rare and he has to have a bath together all the time but they're a bit closer in age yeah he's quite splashy and not that much of a laugh to have a bath with if you're five. If you know what I mean. Yeah. Who is a laugh to have a bath with? I don't know.

Someone sexy. David Beckham? No, that would be awful. I'd hate to be in a bath. What do you mean a hot tub with Beckham? Yeah. Or Michael. Sexy body art.

So what time is she going in to bed? So tends to leave her room at 8 I'd say leave her room oh no you leave her room at 8 so do you sit with her then to get to sleep we've got into that and I love it I'll be honest with you

do you remember when we had a phone call on and she said that she holds the hand of her daughter still and it's those things it's a bit like when we when she's not well we have her on our floor Rob and I'll be honest with you I, we've got a bed

we've got a bed on our floor You're such wonderful parents, on the floor, on the wooden floor On a bed, on a bed Don't you have her in the bed with you when she's not ill? She hates it, she hates being in the bed with us Fair enough, but you have her I'll be honest, I love it Rob Yeah, it's like a fun sleepover isn't it? Do you have her in the bed with you when she's not ill? She hates it. She hates being in the bed with us. Fair enough, but you have her, okay.

Yeah. And I'll be honest, I love it, Rob. Yeah, it's like a fun sleepover, isn't it? Yeah. And then the next day, we'll get to bedtime, we'll go, oh, I haven't tidied away the bed. I suppose you'll have to stay in our room another night. That kind of... It's more for the parent than the kid, isn't it?

Yeah, for about four nights. And then Rose is like, look, we've got to move that bed back up. So wouldn't you say, are you just sat on a chair next or are you in the bed with her sit on a chair read to her she she goes to sleep really quickly because she's got an eye mask oh yeah she loves it well my eldest goes to sleep really quick as well you said my five-year-old does take a lot longer yeah at some point we're gonna have to leave her on her own but i'm not i'm in no rush do you know what i mean yeah yeah because it's an extra five ten minutes and it's quite nice because it's just time to yourself yeah yeah exactly just a bit quiet time on the phone when once they start drifting with your phone you're on twitter screen grabbing stuff

to send to mates in this magical moment with your daughter. So tell me through your bad times. Well, they've been going up a bit early, like six-ish for a bath and stuff. And then they just play for ages until about eight. So I think we're just going to start doing the bath later and then trying to get them into bed so there's a bit of a momentum into bed. Because sometimes they have pyjamas on for an hour and a half

and then they completely forgot his bedtime. but we're a bit we're a bit out of sorts because of me coming home from australia and then christmas fucks it all up because you're out and about and stuff so so what time is it robin lou curled up on the sofa couple of glasses of lambrini well probably about about probably about half eight but yeah about eight half eight but i think but the youngest keeps coming up and down and she comes down and says and crawls around trying to jump out on us she would really take it really hard to sort of go to sleep so then sometimes we lay with her but sometimes she goes off to herself but yeah about eight but i think we need to do the bath later that's our problem we're doing the bath too early and they're in their pajamas and then they just feel like they're

just in a new outfit for the day because it's been like another two hours but um yeah it's fine but it's not too bad now because they can lay in a bit a bit longer they're waking up about seven ish now which is an absolute godsend yes it makes a big difference but yeah seven ish is glorious isn't it but they've been waking up early and going a bit late because they're so excited because it's too much, Josh, because we've got, they're off school now and we have two birthdays.

Their birthdays are a week apart just before Christmas. December, isn't it? So the two, basically, or is it Monday today? It's Christmas. We're recording this on Monday.

It goes out tomorrow, Tuesday, and then it's Christmas at the end of the week. But then the last two weekends, we've had birth, we've had a birthday in the week and then birthday party at the weekend's just too much it's like and then we've been going to other birthday parties one josh i went to a birthday party tell me if you think this is acceptable or not right yeah it was a good it's a good birthday party it's like they do chocolate making the kids

seem to love it it's a 40 minute drive 40 minute drive so i had to go on the m25 i was literally on the m25 and i can't believe i've got to go on the m25 and it's down in like tunbridge wells and i got there and i dropped her off and then some of the parents are going because it's too far to drive home yeah yeah like if you're dropping off because the one we did is like five minutes from us and about five minutes from the school so it was like yeah it's easy um but i was just like oh and then like when you've got that in your weekend it's like that's only an hour and a half of driving and then i did some shopping what did you do what did you do in between some shopping i went to i went did some shopping i need to get some food shopping i need to get some petrol for the question rob and you can we can we can edit this out if it's too sensitive a topic sure Sure, yeah. Because you're worried they're listening.

Did you create some shopping that needed doing because you didn't want to have to sit with the other parents and have a cup of tea? Yes. Okay, good. But that's no shade. Because you're not a social butterfly. That's fine.

No, that's no shade on the parents. I like the parents. I play football with them. We go for drinks. We're very social. I was hung over because i'd got drunk the night before and so i was hung over i was tired and i've been working loads since i got back from australia tonight's my last gig i'm doing and i was just i just had nothing left to give and then i had a busy sunday because i had the kids birthday then i was on radio too and then we had meetings and stuff so i was just it wasn't them.

It was a reflection on me, and I had no energy. I had no energy to chat. So I went and did some invented shopping and got some party food from Marks & Spencer's. Nice, nice. But, yeah, I got really drunk the night before. Oh, Rob. Oh, Rob.

Well, I was doing a gig. I did a corporate for this, like, music publishers, which is like they have a big Christmas lunch, and I had to go and do stand-up afterwards. the music industry is a different beast mate they take themselves quite serious don't they like there's people doing speeches that went on for ages and then i was doing that and it's quite a hard gig to do because they were not always the most receptive crowd and then i met up with lloyd who was out of his uni mates lord griffith yeah and i ended up getting drunk with them wow so i did that and

then the next day was festive drink yeah it was actually felt very festive and um they're a bit posh these mates they're from exeter uni so they're all sung carols which i didn't feel comfortable with personally they're just sung carols in a pub and i hated that that must have been quite nice but they're nice lads no not for me you're a bit posh you got royal blood though you love all that yeah i love all that ceremony i love I love all that. Less ceremony. I love that pomp and ceremony. I'm a street kid. That's what I am.

I forgot that you're a street urchin. Yeah. I'm a street urchin, mate. A hundred years ago, you'd have been up a fucking chimney, wouldn't you, Rob? But look at you there. Exactly. Listening to the songs.

But that was good. So then I had to get up. So I had to pick up the birthday cake. Coghlan's, by the way, bakery, saved the day. It was our birthday party on the Sunday. I had to go and pick up the cake on the Saturday morning. Then I came back. Then I had to walk the dog.

Then I come back. Then I had to take my daughter to the party, which was 40 minutes away, hang around for a bit, then come back. It was a very busy day, Josh. And when you're hungover, I wouldn't put that down as my schedule for a hungover man.'t put that down as my schedule for a hungover man no no and are you i'm thinking so after my uh drinking at the wedding yeah i'm now going to go back into a period of not drinking right because i quite enjoyed it sure i think i'm just going to drink on on certain occasions i decide to drink right so what are

these come on new year's eve is the next one so you're not gonna have a drink today with the parents all christmasy you've no no no i'll be fine after the last leg recordings no sure christmas eve christmas day no really no because do you know what christmas day is too long it's too long a period but I get smashed from the morning and then I I basically stop drinking when I eat the dinner and I have my hangover watching telly yeah but I hate that I if I I hate day drinking leading into feeling shit in the evening then you just go to bed you don't if you time it like you feel shit when you go to sleep yeah but no i know but i'm just no good at your hangover while you're asleep yeah i'm just no good at it rob i'm no good at day drinking so next time is

new year's eve i'm gonna do a sober christmas what are you doing for new year's eve uh i don't know just having a few people around i think you love socializing i love socializing you love being the host do you know what I like? Yeah, I do like that kind of feeling of, like, the house being teaming with people, people coming and going. Oh, have a beer, have a drink, have a Dorito, enjoy yourself, that kind of thing.

I love that. Did you have a busy house as a kid? Because you've got older brothers, but you were... No, but I was the only child. Because they were... They grew up with their mum. got older brothers but you were no but i was the only child because they were half brother they were with their they grew up with their mom oh so you had a quiet house growing up yeah right i got it confused i because i knew you had a lot of brothers but they were living elsewhere so you're using a

quiet house the teaming the teaming house in london town yes oh it feels like you're in like a love actually film that's why you're buzzing for it exactly is that what it is see what i i'd feel more really cutting to the heart of who i am yeah oh well i i would like a cottage a snowy cottage in the middle of nowhere with a yeah but you grew up in a busy house exactly i like the choir you want the loud oh this is why it works we're meeting in the middle there There we go. We should have got married. You could have done all the chat.

I'd just sit in the corner all quiet. This is why. This is it, isn't it, Josh? And that makes sense now why you're a bit needy when you're ill. You've got loads of attention when you're ill. What? You're quite needy when you're ill, aren't you? What?

You are. Where's that come from? When Rose said that you opened your mouth to be fed like a sparrow with paracetamol. Yeah, well, that... That wouldn't have happened in my house growing up. If I'd done that, someone would put a bit of poo in there or something.

One of my brothers. You leave your mouth open too long, someone will fart in it. Oh, God, Rob. On the putting something in your mouth, I had a bit of a nightmare earlier. Rose was upstairs having a shower. Right. And my son, who's 18 mouth, I had a bit of a nightmare earlier. Okay, what happened? I was just upstairs having a shower. Right.

And my son, who's 18 months. Yeah. I turned around and he had like quite a large black pill. What? About the size of a two pence piece. Right. And I could see he had it in his, like, not completely in his mouth, but, like, in his hand and in his mouth. Yeah.

I took it off him. And I was like, and it was just covered me in, like, black all over my fingers. And I was like, what the fuck is this? And he had it all around his mouth. It's black. And I ran my hands under the tap. And I was like, is that a pill? And I broke it.

And it just broke into, like, a pill. Yeah. And I was like, like, kind of looked a bit like a barocca but yeah yeah yeah black rocker black rocker yeah yeah um and so i was like rose uh he's a bit of a worry he's still sharing this point no she was at the top i got she was getting dressed just slight worry he's been eating a black pill might have to go a and e but don't worry i've got a parking space and then she's and she she was noticeably i worried i thought i misjudged this i should have said a bit more yeah i. Yeah, I know. Massive worry.

He's been eating a black pill. I was like, what black pills have we got? Right? Do you want to know what it was? What? It was one of the bits of, from like a paint set. The black circle of paint

had fallen out of the paint set. Solid until you make it wet. Yeah, solid. And that's why it was marking everything the moment it got wet, why it had black around its mouth. Oh, my God. Yeah. That was lucky.

You saw that. Well, yeah. I don't know. I suppose kids' paint is probably not poisonous. Massive black poos. Oh, yeah. That would have been what would have happened. But, yeah, I don't think it's poisonous, but I don't think you should just let them eat it just because it isn't poisonous. Massive black poos. Oh, yeah. That would have been what would have happened. But yeah, I don't think it's poisonous,

but I don't think you should just let him eat it just because it isn't poisonous. I'd just let him have the orange and the yellow one and just enjoy himself. I'm talking of poisonous, though. Rainwater is bad for you. Full of germs, apparently. Is it?

What? Why? It's coming from the sky. I know. Where are the germs? You might, while useful for many things, rainwater is not as pure as you might think. You cannot assume it is safe to drink.

Oh, come on now. I think it would be safe, like, if you were in the Lake District because it's come over, like, the Pennines. But when you're in South East London, slash Kent. Oh, mate, Gatwick Airport's probably fucking that rainwater up big style for you. If Joe Watson had rainwater, someone's had his shit on the way back from Tenerife and it's just landed in a cup. They just flush it out,

don't they, over the sea? Is that what they do with plain poo? Is that a myth or is that true? I don't believe that's true anymore. It can't be true anymore. The vacuum toilet is painted by James Kempner. I bet he earned some money. The vacuum toilet sucks waste into a holding tank which is it by James Kempner. I bet he earned some money. The vacuum toilet

sucks the waste into a holding tank where it's stored until the plane lands. Oh, there we go. Yeah, it's like a massive caravan. Yeah. What about the trains?

Same. Well, no, because there used to be signs don't flush at a station. But you don't want like a train track just full of human shit. Yeah.

Surely that just means all train tracks are just covered in shit. Maybe it isn't Leeds on the Lion. Maybe it's just people had a heavy night the night before and they've just absolutely turned one out on after crew. I don't know. Sorry, I had an

exciting day at the wedding, Rob. Oh yeah, go on. Yeah, it was good fun. Speech go okay? The speech, yeah, I was very nervous about the speech. Very nervous about the speech. Very nervous about the speech. It's hard to do when you're a comedian in a room full of comedians. Yeah, not ideal.

It went well. And then did a DJ set. That went well. Oh. What comedians were there? Were there any comedians there that you found intimidating to perform in front of? No.

Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Absolutely fine. Okay. Yeah. Sorry, you did a DJ set? Yeah, too right, mate. Me and Rose did the, closed it out. We did the final DJ set of the night.

Do you reckon we should do a thing? We should do, you know like what Romesh does after his arena shows, where he does an after party for hip hop. Yeah, we should do a wedding DJ set. Called the Sad Dads Disco. The Sad Dads Disco. We should do that.

And then we just have a party in the Indigo afterwards. Yes, let's do it. That'll be fun, won't it? Yeah. Is there anything on in the Indigo that night? I mean, I don't know. We'll look into it. Yeah, we'll look into it.

I don't need to check that now. Hold on, I'll ring him. Hello, is that Mr. O2? The Sad Dads Disco. We should just do Sad Dads Disco. Sad Dads Disco. I don't want to DJ, though. I'll just get drunk.

I'll do it. I'll do the whole thing. I'll just be sad because I don't like socialising. Some of the songs I dropped were so good. But then we could get different Sad Dads in. And Mums. Let's not make it all blokey. But Sad Dads Disco sounds good.

Sad Mums and Dads. It doesn't work, does it? No. It's fine to call it the Sad Dads Disco. Okay. Sad Mums and Dads. It doesn't work, does it? No. It's fine to call it the Sad Dads Disco. Okay, I've thought about it. Let's ban women from the event. Total ban on women. Purely because it doesn't work.

It doesn't scan. The Sad Dads Disco. I think that could be a real winner. Everyone will just be hammered. Oh, yeah. We should put on a little event, you know, in January, maybe. We'll do it after the O2. Okay, we'll do it after the O2. Because's i don't have to leave the house twice babysitters around

the country rubbing their hands together for an extra two hours pay yeah um so what are your plans for christmas rob because this is the last time i'm going to speak before christmas oh yes i would like to say i've got a good thing to read out about correspondence for christmas one thing that made me laugh at the wedding the wedding the kids party was it we had an incanto party so we had a mirabelle princess yep um and mirabelle was there and she come out and waved and had photos and stuff like that it was really nice um and then okay and then the entertainer did it sort of by accident didn't mean if you buy it it really made me laugh i was like okay well mirabelle's going now she's got to go back let's let's She's got to go back.

She's got to go back to Colombia. So does anyone want a photo before we send her back to Colombia? It felt like some sort of like Priti Patel policy. Right, send Mirabelle's. Send back to Columbia. Just the way you just said it really made me laugh. But no, it was really good. Really good parties. Massively recommend those. So, yeah, we are in Christmas mode now.

Are you entertaining or are you being entertained? Christmas. We are... We've got a few little things lined up. We're going to go to Lapland. Ascot. We're going to go there. You've already done that. We're doing that. We're going to go to Lapland. Ascot, we're going to go there. You've already done that.

We're doing that. We're doing a Kids Tuesday. You know when kids get to pick whatever they want to do? Oh, yeah. I promised them that this week. So we are going to a climbing wall in South London. And then I think we may go and see a show somewhere. They want to go and see a show.

Nice. And then basically they just get to pick what they want all day. Great. I don't know how that goes. I wonder what the food food will be they're very keen on donuts for breakfast lunch and dinner which i think they will regret after lunch yeah yeah they'll learn a hard lesson well exactly gonna learn a hard lesson um but we have to say yes to whatever so if they want to smoke a cigarette they're smoking a cigarette fine yeah that's the rules of the day. Yeah. So, you know, don't shoot me. So we're doing that.

And then, yeah, we've got Christmas Eve. We're having a quiet one with me, Lou and the girls. We're trying to set up a little routine where we go and have, like, dinner at lunch out and go to the cinema and then come home and get all cosy, like, 4 or 5 in the afternoon. Christmas Eve routines are good, aren't they? Yes. So I think we're going to try and do it as a family. We have a quiet one where we go for lunch and watch a film somewhere.

We might try and see Home Alone. I think that's on cinema. But I don't know if it's too old for the girls. They don't want to fucking scare the shit out of them on Christmas Eve. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I don't know. We'll cover that with our avatar.

We're fucked. So Christmas Day, we've got Lou's mum and dad and sister coming over yeah so they're coming over the day i'm doing all the food and then boxing day i've got my mum and dad my brother and his wife and their two kids coming over for the day we're doing food and then we're having sort of more of a chilled one we haven't planned much more than that um but yeah so i'm hosting and cooking but i normally just get pissed and hope for the best yeah cooking nice so what are you doing you're not going back to trains mate trains i was going to go down on the 27th with my daughter because taking an 18 month old to devon for a day yeah it's just not not worth it not worth it but i was like oh that'll be a fun

adventure we can get the train down yeah that's quite a fun daddy and daughter day out where you can just yeah and she's not kicking her heels waiting for you to deal with the 18 month old you know what i mean no exactly so it would have been great but uh the old trains have been cancelled so unless they reach an agreement on that before the 27th what i'd'd say about that, though, is they've cancelled the trains, but in a weird world, it sort of makes your day easier, doesn't it? Not having to go. Well, it does and it doesn't, Rob. Are you saying you don't support the strikers?

No, I'm saying I do support the strikers. I do support the strikers. I support the strikers, 100%. But I should add, I do find the train incredibly relaxing and i presume she'd have just looked at her ipad for the full journey and you could have chilled out i could have chilled out for four hours well you know i i support i i think i support the strikers josh at the moment yeah i think people need to not sort of get political about this but um i very much support the nurses the uh posties and the the train guys and i've just got to say also i am somebody who's a train quite a lot so i'm not

saying this from a position of not being screwed i've been screwed over with the train strikes quite a lot recently um been marooned in different parts of the country and in london so but um yeah people need to earn enough to provide for their families and have a nice life and i agree i think i think i think it's a good thing i think they should pay up personally but i don't know why i've got political all of a sudden no i liked it i i think what i would add is in terms of being marooned you have got locked out of your house in your own garden so you can't yeah i mean i think lose on strike from being my wife at the moment has she replied no she's not i think she's probably busy with her two children

so i can't moan too much so do you know where she's gone probably to the probably to the dog for a walk because i couldn't see a dog either but he might be curled up in another room because i'm literally looking through the window like a sort of shoeless burglar and never need tracks so never need shoe prints and say so let's let's let's's war game this. Say Lou is out till six and doesn't reply. Right, okay. What's the plan? Is there any way out or is there a side you can get?

But then what are you going to do when you get there? I can't even get, even if I had a key to the back door, I couldn't put it in the lock because there's a key in the lock. Yes. You know when there's one on the other side. Yeah. So even if I had a key for the back door i couldn't put it in the lock because there's a key in the lock yes you know when there's one on the other side yeah so even if i had a key for the back door i couldn't i could ring my mother-in-law and ask her to bring a key round because i can't walk there in shorts t-shirt barefoot so she could your mother-in-law could come around and open the house and then let you in yeah so it's not the end of the world i assume we'll be back but um otherwise i'll be sat here. Let's war game this. Your mother-in-law is out with Lou and they're both ignoring you. Well, I'm in.

I'm here till I get home. And it's warm now. I've got a little radiator thing, so I'm warm enough. I'll just treat it like I'm fasting for a health kick. Yes, good work. And I'm strictly only drinking rotten, plain shit water. Yeah, yeah, fine. That's falling from the sky but i think i'll be right i my new thing is josh what we don't know enough to know if our situations are good or

bad thing totally let it play out and enjoy and experience each moment because it actually might something good might come of it oh one but one good bit of advice i always remember because my dad never really gets that kind of um a bit like his thousand pound advice which is uh the the best bit of advice that one's idiot tax yeah is there's no point you know if you're in a bad situation you've got to be somewhere so you might as well enjoy where you are do you know what i mean exactly you're always going to be somewhere sometimes it's difficult sometimes it's easy but you might as well barefoot in a shed alone for the day and you know what you know what though i'm not a social person i'm enjoying the quiet

exactly rob have you got your playstation or something um no i've got my i've got my computer i've got a bit of lego in here i could do what honestly if i had... How much are you hoping that they don't come back till six? You know what? If I had a pair of slippers and access to fresh drinking water, I reckon I could stay here for a week. Do you know your neighbours? Could you shout across and get them to give you a glass of water? Yeah, but I think it'd raise more questions than answers.

I don't think... Oh, there is a tap, though, actually. Tell a lie. There's a tap? There's a tap that I could drink from. And I think it's good water. I think you can a tap? There's a tap that I could drink from. And I think it's good water. I think you can drink tap water from the garden tap water.

Not the hose. I can drink straight from the tap. Why don't you put the sprinklers on and, like a dog, you could try and drink from the sprinklers? I don't know if there's still a hosepipe ban in Bromley. Oh. Because there's been no water recently, has there? It's been very dry the last couple of weeks.

I think. I think maybe Tempest Water should stop all the fucking pipes leaking before they stop us leaking ours. How about that, Josh, for a bit of politics? Josh, oh, that's what I was going to do.

I've got some correspondence. Or was we talking about... What were we talking about? Your Christmas? No, but I think I've kind of covered it, really, haven't I? Right.

I've got some good correspondence here. Shall we do some correspondence? Yeah. This is... I've got some really good ones that have come in in the last couple of weeks. Here we go. Hello, chaps. I like being called a chap, you know.

Yeah. That's good, that. I don't like being called chief. No. No. Isn't that a bit... Or big guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm five foot eight. Come on. Yeah, yeah. Five foot nine, really. I'll just say 5 foot 8 because I'd rather underestimate than overestimate

yeah of course of course because it's quite needy doesn't it I see it was medium height I am just below I'm just below

around medium height in Air Force 1 medium height yeah converse I'm below yeah you don't do yourself any favours in the converse

Josh no but I don't want people to go he's short and he wears a built up shoe you should get the anti-deck ones yourself any favours in the converse, Josh. No, but I don't want people to go, he's short and he wears a built-up shoe. You should get the Ant & Dec ones where they're hidden in the boot. Right. The Tom Cruise ones. Yeah, you can get them.

Okay, cool. Where they look like they're normal shoes, but something's happening downstairs. Just saying. Hello, chaps. On this week's episode, Rob said, I like to play a game of what's the worst thing I could reply. Well, my lovely fella actually did it.

This was when Rose was a bit stressed with work. I always think, what is the worst thing we can say to someone? My lovely fella actually did it. When the school office texted him to ask, why is Lucy absent from school today? This will now be recorded as an unauthorized absence. He'd been at work and not looking properly, thought he was moaning and replied to me, cheeky c***. Whoa!

We've only just realised seven months later when they text again that he actually replied to the school. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Too much time has passed to apologise, so I'm sure he will forever be on some watch list somewhere. Love from Mick in Chelmsford. Oh, fucking hell, that is brutal.

Cheeky cunt. Cheeky cunt. That is incredible. Wow. You'd have thought you'd get in trouble for that. What are they going to do, ring your mum? Well, they might say, excuse me, but I think it's unacceptable to treat our staff, you know, like that.

I don't think you should call our staff ****. Yeah, you can't. I mean, there's not a specific rule, but you can't go around calling our receptionist a ****. I mean, maybe you could argue that you were being jovial. You cheeky ****. I know. He's got a winky smiley face.

Yeah, yeah, fine, yeah. That made me laugh yeah um we've got oh this i think this is really we've had loads of people um talking about the uh the tom parry episode about being um yeah one is about the screens people that are into baby monitors are not got some good ones on them and then we've got a good one about father christmas which um i'll do after the monitors so if you're watching me kids maybe yeah stop listening for the rest of the episode um i'll do the monitors first here we go hi lads because um they're still got the screen on all the time haven't they with the sound i think in the parry household this one baby monitors hello lads we're no screeners hear that josh

no screeners no screen at all no screen well i I had my sister's old baby stuff, and she just had an audio one, so that's what we used. Oh, old school. Your audio. It's been fine. Now, hold on to your hats, Josh. Get this. Second baby didn't even use the audio beyond a couple of weeks

when he first went into his own room. What? I just bareback listen with my ears whoa okay so we missed him crying a couple of times when we were watching a movie but only for a minute and it was fine i did get confused and started lactating to what turned out to be a goat crying in myorka though that's a downside of breastfeeding rachel and crystal palace i think it can set it off can't it um crying sets off the boob and she started lactating because she heard a a goat cry but there are no screener josh what fair play to him fair play i respect it i don't know if i could have been a

full nose i'm a i'm a blank screen until there's a noise then the screen comes on with a temperature on i like that but i'm not a screen on all the time noise. Then the screen comes on with a temperature on. I like that. But I'm not a screen on all the time person. Fair enough. Here we go. This is from Anonymous, long-time listener. Read Tom Parry's return episode. I was a definite no screener.

My grandma was Swedish and in Scandinavia, there's a big thing about babies sleeping outside and being ditched outside cafes while the parents drink coffee inside. Yeah, we've discussed this, haven't we? Yeah. I just used to get my children to sleep and leave them outside. What? She puts it.

To get my kids to sleep, I just left them outside, in the woods at the bottom of the garden, and got them with other things. I don't know if that's a joke or if she lives really in the middle of nowhere, she was just popping them in the woods. I don't think that's okay. What? You can put your kid in the middle of nowhere, she will just pop them in the woods. I don't think that's okay. What? You can put your kid in the woods.

I'm all for no screening, but... What is there's no children in? Yeah. That's abandoning your child. Well, they suggest abandoning your child in the woods, which I wouldn't agree with. No, but, you know, each to their own, I say. There is a world, though,

wrapping them up warm in a buggy outside. Oh, it absolutely works. Where the fresh air does to their own, I say. There is a world, though, wrapping them up warm in a buggy outside. Oh, it absolutely works. The fresh air does knock them out, I think. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. So it does work. Get them in the woods. Right, now we've got one about opening presents

and then one about the Father Christmas thing. Here we go. Okay. Hi, Rob and Josh. Please keep me anonymous. On Christmas morning, most kids either have a total riot opening presents with chaos and fun everywhere, or they open them one at a time in turns.

Yeah. So that's what we, in my house, we used to go downstairs before we have a coffee, but then before breakfast, we all take turns opening a present, right? One at a time. Oh, mine and Lou's little thing is we do our presents Christmas Eve when it's just us two, when we can actually talk to each other and enjoy. And then you make sweet love. Oh, yeah.

In front of the fireplace while the dogs are just watching. Two bodies entwined as one. Oh, yeah. I don't know about that. Not downstairs. That's a no-go. What about you, Josh? You strictly bedroom?

Yeah. How many rooms in your house have you had sex in, Rob? In the old house a few yeah in the new one with two young children sometimes one room

yeah what about you yet to christen the office but everyone else is done no yet to christen the kitchen the sitting room any of the toilets

any of the kids rooms which i think is the correct thing hallway hallway still still christened free it's a godless stairs yep attic no basement basement no anyway so we uh we uh yeah we do one at a time in our house so you run at a time but you're still a bit young, aren't they, really? Is any... What are you doing? What's your plan in the mornings? Oh, present-wise?

Sorry, I thought... Quick run before the kids wake up. Screen off. We do one at a time. Yeah, definitely. I think that's a better way of doing it. Do you appreciate the presents more? Yeah, that's what I think.

However, this is different. This is the third option I didn't know was an option. Oh. Not in my house when growing up. Starting with the youngest, which was me, the whole family sat and watched me open every single one of my presents. What? I had to open them and look at them, then put them down,

and I wasn't allowed to play with them until I'd watched my middle sister open all of hers same again she'd open them all we all watched then she'd have to put them down and then we would all watch the oldest sister open all of hers this in total took bloody hours we would then have a pause while my dad did something with the christmas ham during which we would rush to try i think he's i think he's cooking i don't think he's got ever We would then have a pause while my dad did something with the Christmas ham. During which we would rush to try. I think he's cooking.

I don't think he's got to have a wank. Dad's going to go and sort out the Christmas ham. Different room each year. It's his tradition. Respect it. What was that thing we talked about getting your dick out in the kitchen? Did we talk about that last year at Christmas? I think we cut that out in the episode in the end. Do you know what I'm saying?

I don't know what we said about it. We said get your knob out when you do it. I think we went on a weird thing where when you're on your own in the kitchen, quickly get your knob out. Why did that get cut? Michael, explain yourself. Why is that content on the cutting room floor? Because basically you were asking adults to expose themselves Michael, explain yourself. Why is that content on the catagrame floor?

Because basically you were asking adults to expose themselves in the proximity of children, and I think we're on slightly rocky ground there. Okay, well, let's get this right. Don't get your knob out while you're cooking Christmas dinner. No. Yeah? Okay, right. Anyway, so my dad had to do something with the Christmas ham.

Then we had to watch mum and dad open their presents before we could play with ours. Right. I'm not sure, looking back, what was worse, me having my pile of toys sat beside me, desperate to play with, or my older sister sat waiting to open hers, knowing she was expecting the blue version

of whatever us two younger girls got in pink and green. Oh, no, that's the worst. Love the pod. Sorry to anyone around me who sees me laughing out loud, walking as I laugh along at the nonsense you get up to. Thanks. Anonymous. Oh, wow.

That's interesting that even now she can't say her name or, yeah, I think it's a lady, in case the parents get upset. Because that's what it will be. Because then if this gets back to the parent, they'll be like, so you didn't like Christmas, did you? And she'll be 43 having to talk to a 70 year old about christmas you never you never lose it your parents are always there aren't they there's always some sort of politics here we go right this is a father christmas one um so if you weren't listening with kids please stop now yeah and uh if the kids are

out the room and away oh you're not about no i'm joking joking joking joking okay so this is the thing about um tom harry and his partner were talking about potentially telling their kids that father christmas isn't real because they never want to lie to their child about anything okay we and we've had josh i'd say lots of people going i think that's the right thing to do i'd never lie to my kids and a lot of other people go that is absolute nonsense you should just enjoy the magic stop being killjoys right so two quiet sort of almost brexit very 52 48 exactly okay however what i picked out here rather than reading a load of those out this which i think is the perfect way to deal with it and it's from someone that has experienced both sides of it so this i think is

the answer dear rob and josh i just listened to your episode with tom parry and felt the need to write in in response to the conversation around whether to tell kids about the big father christmas and whether he is real i am one of those adults i am 39 who indeed was told from the get-go that father christmas the tooth fairy and angels etc etc were all a lie i mean i don't believe in angels i'm not fucking insane anyway i remember telling many other children that it wasn't true and that their parents were all liars as an adult i contemplated this and asked my mum why. Her response was, when she was little, she was scared of Father Christmas and also, why should we be thanking some fat old bloke

for the gifts she'd worked so hard for? Yes. Which I'd argue is quite needy. Me, me, me, me, me. Anyway, so this is Anna now now she's a grown-up as a parent myself now jake 10 and neve 8 i've decided to go in the opposite direction i've handwritten notes from the two fairy left carrots for the reindeers and one special gift and a letter from the big man himself every year the delight outweighs the effort every time i think the one gift's quite

key i think that's a good way to do it the one gift right and then the rest are from parents this year my son jake who is 10 said to me he's not real is he i decided to take him out of earshot of his younger sister and said if you choose not to believe you now have a choice you can either believe in the magic or be the magic what will it be oh my word this is great isn't it he chose b i told him that yes he's right father christmas isn't real but his character once was and that now he holds the secret jake's job is to keep the magic alive for those who do believe including his little sister. Goosebumps.

His face was a picture, one of excitement and understanding of his duty. So in a world that can seem so hard and sad at times, why not create a little bit of safe magic? They are children for such a short amount of time in the scale of things. Have a lovely Christmas. Kind regards, Anna Dyson. Yes, Anna. That is superb. i would vote for her as the prime minister yeah brilliant work unbelievable scenes i think that's a great way to look at it don't you

you can either believe the magic or be the magic yes oh my god because it's not about what a film that would be can i just tell you a quick thing about Father Christmas before we wrap up? Yeah, of course, go on. So, obviously, people haven't come back to the podcast, so I can... It's still, you know... We're still not...

You know, no kids. Nobber way, though. As ever, knobber way. Knobber way. No nods out. So, my wife said to my daughter, because we're giving some of her um toys to charity yeah she's getting rid of some of her toys she said like at christmas there's some children that are less

fortunate than you and their parents can't afford to get them presents and my daughter said but won't father christmas get them something what do you do with that, Rob? I think this is where I think the one gift comes in. And you say, yes, Father Christmas brings one gift for every child. The rest of the presents are from Mummy and Daddy. And you're very fortunate that Mummy and Daddy can get you more presents than some other kids. Yeah.

I think that's the way I'm going to say it when they ask. Okay, yeah, yeah. I don't know if that helps. went with no these children have been bad they're getting nothing from santa yeah yeah it's an angle it's an angle no i think that's i think the one gift thing's quite i think that's a good thing to sort of i we're introduced in any way as a family that they get one do you do the stocking as well uh yes and we do a stocking of little bits of bobs and then one present downstairs. Stocking of plastic shit. Yeah, yeah, just to fucking clog up the world. Yeah.

Well, right. Merry Christmas, Rob. Small bits of shout out. We've got one more guest, haven't we, on Friday? Before Christmas. Yes, another guest. And it's very exciting on Friday because it's someone who his girlfriend is currently pregnant.

So we're talking to someone for the first time who's about to become a parent and then we're going to talk to them after they become a parent in a few months time yes you like to say it is why are you being so coy it is prince harry it's sean walsh it's sean walsh yes uh okay let's do a quick small business shout out and then uh bounce here we go oh hello hello massive fan of the pod asking for a small business shout out small family plumbing company based in East London not far from Josh we cover all aspects of plumbing in and around London our website is docklandsplumbingservices.com or follow us on Instagram at docklandsplumbing if Josh ever has a issue, we aren't too far away to help.

Or if he needs any putting air in his tires again, we can help with that. Oh, I do. Keep up the good work. Air in your tires. Yeah. Oh, I didn't tell my plumbing. I'll tell you on Friday before Sean Walsh that I did some plumbing and it went well. Oh, Fitz, I can't wait to hear it.

Hi, Rob and Josh. I'm obsessed with the podcast and I love it. If you give a small business shout out to my little dog toy business at fergal's toy box fergal is f-e-r-g-a-l fergal's toy box as a professional dog trainer and walker i'm always looking for different ways to occupy and entertain dogs i work with during lockdown i started to create different canine enrichment toys to support my dog care business these handmah toys are designed to be used in different ways to help with lots of dog's issues, including boredom, to slow fast eaters, teething puppies, training motivation, and more.

You can find us at Fergal's Toy Box on Instagram and Facebook. Thank you. There we go. Lovely stuff. Josh. See you on Friday. All right, see you later, mate. Soap from the Box is the TV podcast

that goes behind the scenes of the nation's favourite shows, including Coronation Street, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks and EastEnders. You know, it was literally, we couldn't sort of go anywhere without being recognised. I'm Lee Salisbury and I directed the shows and the stars in them. On this podcast, I delve where no one else has been. You can listen to over 70 episodes right now with stars including Sue Johnston, Glynis Barber,

Denise Welsh, Sid Owen, Sally Dynevor and Danny Minogue. No more, no more. In this week's episode, I chat to the star of one of the biggest Christmas films of all time. Hi, I'm Martine McCutcheon. Yes, love actually. And EastEnders actress Martine McCutcheon goes behind the scenes with me, especially for you. It's such a beautiful thing, like, to be part of your legacy, to leave behind.

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