Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP45: Let the Christmas (Alarm) bells ring...

Episode Date: December 29, 2022

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whittaker. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Dylan, can you say Rob Beckett? What's up, Beckett? And can you say Josh Whittacombe? Josh. Josh Whittacombe. Whittacombe.

Yeah. There we go. Hi, Rob and Josh, this is my son Dylan, 20 months old. He's a little parrot at the moment, so I want... 20 months. That's basically where I am, I think. He's a little parrot at the moment, so I wondered how he'd do saying your names.

What do you reckon, Rob? He didn't say our names. I mean, it was cute. She seemed to be into it. But from a point of view of introducing the show, if you're a new listener, who the fuck's presenting this no i don't have a go at him it's christmas but i understand he's cute hands up i'll let dylan he's a cute baby the mum's loving it however we're trying to get a show on the road here and people listening need to know the fuck's presenting it this is we're now We're now with a major, you know, we're competing with Joe Rogan here, Rob.

Exactly. We've got to do something here. And Jack, mate. Exactly. Sorry about coughing. I've got the worst cough. So if a joke is more than six or seven out of ten funny, I'm going to get into a coughing situation.

I will tell you what, don't watch Wallop. You'll be back in A&E before you know it. Have you got a stand- up show out on Sky? yeah funny you should say that actually my tour Wallop's been on Sky on Boxing Day and it's still available on demand mate so it's quite interesting that didn't know if you knew

no I did know yes because I accidentally I accidentally clicked on social media once at Christmas and saw 48 mentions of it but actually I got into it because I was like I don't want to just plug it for the sake of it but actually got into a good because i was i don't know just plug it for the sake of it so i started slacking off people's front rooms where they were tagging me watching it that was quite good fun that's good back anyway sorry zoom gigs originally from england my husband michael and i moved to vancouver canada about four years ago and now have

our much-loved maple syrup baby dylan i love listening to the podcast to keep in touch with my british sense of humor it's lifted my spirits on many occasions so thanks for everything you do have our much-loved maple syrup baby dylan i love listening to the podcast to keep in touch with my british sense of humor it's lifted my spirits on many occasions so thanks for everything you do also just started listening to the audiobook and really enjoying it so far all the best she has i've added the intonation there uh all the best so far so far uh ella michael and dylan oh i've been reading a book over christmas rob what you've been reading a book over Christmas Rob What have you been reading? Tell you what, you think our life's tough Matthew Perry's had it hard Fuck it now mate

Oh my god Have they got kids? Matthew Perry hasn't got kids But he's got, I'd say He's got everything else An interesting relationship with his parents What happened in it then? What's the main crux?

Because I know he was a drug addict, and he went up and down in weight, doing friends, and he didn't enjoy it. He's not in a good place. What happened with his parents then? Can you say, or is it a bit too bleak for the... What is the Christmas New Year ep? His dad left at one.

Right. But he was back in the middle of the afternoon. Am I right? Lovely stuff. I'll tell you what what if I had your cough I'd be coughing now that was I'd say 8.3

I know his dad left when he was one moved to LA his mum was kind of spin doctor for the Pierre Trudeau the Canadian president who's the

father of the current one what's he called Justin Trudeau yeah so he never really got any attention from his parents. And then he moved to Hollywood to become an actor. And currently he's drinking a lot of vodka. But he's not in France yet.

No, no, no. Oh, no. In your book. No, he's... Well, it is Christmas. Let him off. It starts when his colon explodes. That's the first scene of the book.

Fuck. How did you explode a colon? And he says he spent something like £7 million on... He's been in rehab like 25 times, something insane. It is. It's up there with Lily Allen and Andre Agassi, if you want to read a celebrity biography. Really?

Yeah. Anyway, that's not why I'm here. Right. How was Christmas with your lovely children? I'm so ill. Can you hear it? I'm a. Right, how was Christmas with your lovely children? I'm so ill. Can you hear it? I'm a bit rough as well. Do I sound as sexy as Matthew Perry's dad?

There's an alarm going off. Hang on. There's an alarm going off. One second. Hello, Rob? Has Rob quit the podcast? Fuck was that? Once again, you don't get this on Jack or Jack, mate. Jesus Christ, Josh! did you hear that? No.

Fuck me. I thought you just left. I thought you just quit the podcast because of my boring Matthew Perry anecdote. No, I love the Matthew Perry. That alarm went off. It went through me. I've got a sore throat and a headache. I don't know.

It's the alarm, house alarm. You were outside, right? In the shed. Yeah, but in the shed in the garden. I've got a little alarm on that as well. You can extend it alarm. But you're outside, right? In the shed. Yeah, but in the shed, in the garden. I've got a little alarm on that as well. You can extend it out. Are you broken into? I'm in here.

Fucking hell. Oh, God, this has got my cough going. I mean, we're keeping this in, an edited version, I imagine. But, hello, Rob? Fucking hell. Sorry about this guys is it still going on it's never done this before

oh no it's got an orange light's come on again Josh this is horrible so why so what you've got your a burglar alarm on your fucking hell has it gone off again

oh god this is terrible fuck you this is bad I'm sorry Michael it says alarm silence now Rob Has it gone off again? Oh, God. This is terrible. Fuck you. This is bad. I'm sorry, Michael. It says alarm silence now. Go on. Me and Michael can't hear it because of the way Zoom works.

No, you can't. Well, you can't hear it. We can barely hear it because of the way Zoom works. But because it's done local recording, you will be... You need it on there, boy. The audience out there are loving it. Okay. Right. So what happened loving it. Okay, right. So what happened?

I think we're good. I... Oh, kill me. You're joking. This is... I'm not joking. I don't know what to do. Hang on.

I'm trusting that this is really funny podcasting because I can't hear anything. I feel like I'm podcasting in a cave. It's actually just a new bit that Rob's trying out. Man versus alarm. Right. Fuck me. I had a howler there, Josh.

So tell me about it. Well, it just kept on going off. I think basically there's some battery problem that the battery needs replacing. Oh, yeah, yeah. Have you got a burglar alarm on your shed? Yes, because I've got a computer in there, haven't I? But now, basically, what I did was I just turned it off at the plug

and it went mental, obviously, because if you were a burglar, that would be your first thought, wouldn't it? Yeah, of course. Just pull the plug. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not going to disable the burglar alarm. And so then what happened? It went bananas.

What, it went worse yeah so loud and then um now it just says active foot so i think i've it just says faults so i think it knows it needs to be looked at kind of thing right right right so yeah that's good to know that was a christmas treat for the listeners michael i bet michael can't wait to get the recording of that so we can hear what it sounded like because to me and him Michael thought you were just doing a bit I can't I know what basically it my head I feel like I've been in Matthew Perry's brain at the start of frames it's oh over 8.5 was it that little joke oh my god so I think I'm all

good now I think i'm all good i think it's just i've sorted it so we're all right i've done two covid tests this christmas rob yeah you got it no but you know when you're like so confident both times and when you get a negative you're like everyone's been ill at christmas like everyone's had a cough or a cold and like i was getting a little bit all my mates were going oh i'm ill actually i can't come out i can't meet up for a coffee blah blah blah and i was doing that thing i don't know self-employed people do at the time going funny that thing uh stop getting ill when i was self-employed you know that's something i do a bit you know you're like oh yeah ill are you have a little day off are you paid paid sick day fair

enough yeah yeah you don't really get you anymore now i'm self-employed but i'm i think i am ill now a bit i think i'm just run down it's it's tiring christmas isn't it fuck me sideways i passed out the night christmas eve on the sofa at like nine o'clock and um did you and yeah and you know is that alcohol related um no just tiredness and then i was supposed to be because father christ Christmas brought my children a Barbie dream house. Yeah, I saw Lou built it on her Instagram. Well, no, she didn't build it, did she? Father Christmas brought it, Josh. Oh, so what's Lou doing on her Instagram?

Yeah, she is building it. Yes, yes, she is building a Barbie dream house that I was supposed to build. So Father Christmas brought it unbuilt. Yes, exactly. So we had to quickly, well, Lou did it. She did everything. So Father Christmas brought it unbuilt. Yes, exactly. So we had to quickly, well, Lou did it. She did everything.

You know, when you build something like that, was there stickers? I don't know. I've done, to be fair, I've normally do it. I've done like a little, they got like a sort of

Wendy house, Wendy house? Doll's house? A Doll's house thing before that I built and that was hard work. But she did it in about an hour, I think.

She actually smashed it. So big up for that. I was just, yeah father christmas hasn't got an hour on his hands on christmas eve no it's a dream house send an elf in i tell you what's a great christmas film arthur christmas i think i said it before absolute belter like the elves never get enough respect i don't think in the christmas films um how was your christmas josh do you want to go through your week before because we didn't should i should i talk about my christmas i mean if you don't we're struggling today no no i'm just talking about my plans for easter um so 23rd yeah i've just written down some headlines here the 23rd we made a mistake okay the roses said this about six times this christmas that we're just learning every year and we'll do it better

next year yeah go on so our mistake this year was because we were both so busy in december we just left everything too late because we basically we had that wedding the weekend before which we were quite heavily involved in because you only had a day off the 22nd was the 22nd your first day off the 22nd was my first day off, Rob. Yes. My first chance to do Christmas shopping was the morning of the 23rd, and that was also my last chance to do Christmas shopping. Yep. Okay, sure. So that was interesting, we should say.

So did the DVLA have an outlet at Oxford Circus for you to get the provision? They don't. No, they're based in Swansea. Everyone knows that the DVLA is based in Swansea. Yeah. You just write Swansea DVLA and it gets it. Exactly, it's exactly. No postcode necessary.

No, and exactly, it's like Father Christmas. And they knew it was coming anyway, they just sent one out. No, so Christmas Eve, Christmas the 23rd, two main memories was my son has taken to shitting in the bath. Lovely. Okay. Every time? I'd say more than half the time at the moment.

Oh, my. It's like Gaza at Tottenham. Yeah, I don't know what to do. There's nothing you can do about it. You've just got to ride it out. Your son shits in the bath. Because it's not a problem, really. Can I give you a tip if your son shits in the bath?

Or daughter? Yeah, or daughter. Yeah. Don't make the mistake I made last night. You've got to go early on fishing out. Obviously. How is that a tip? How is that not just your immediate thought? Well, because last night I didn't realise.

That's fine. I'll let you do that. Yeah. It is most difficult to get when it's in the plug hole. Oh, my God. It's a bit of a where you it wasn't because you didn't realize you just thought i'll deal with that later and let it bob uh let's not go into that but yeah so we don't need to understand why it was in the plug hole i didn't let it bob you've let it bob no i didn't let it bob i it was it was on the bottom of the bath as the water was coming

out and i thought i'll just let the water go because then it'll be easier to fish it out no because then every time you run the bath it's gonna stink of shit it's not gonna stink of shit every time it will stick on the pipe in the plug hole i know i got it out of the plug hole rob oh okay you got it out of the plug hole. Fucking hell, how solid is shit? Well, not as solid as I'd hope. Right. So, you know, yeah. This is awful. Yeah.

Anyway, same night, 23rd, the cat pissed on the work surface in the kitchen. Oh, no. Was there stuff on there? Yeah. R.I.P. Panatody. Oh, no. Oh, that'll soak it up, though.

If anything, that was probably the best thing it could have pissed him. Yeah, do you know what? Do you know what? And also, at the bottom of Rose's advent calendar, we had to cut off the bottom ten doors. Because it was covered in piss. Yeah, because it was covered in piss. 23rd, I'm putting that straight in the bin, Josh.

Well, the thing is, Rob, I tell you what advent calendar I got her. Go on. I got her one for the local coffee shop where it's like a free coffee or a free pastry each day and stuff like that and so you leave the doors on the advent calendar you can use them when you want to use them till the end of january right there was a pissy pastry that she's not ever going to get to use oh that's a shame i'm sure if you explain the situation i'd give her a pastry well i think I'd rather pay for my own pastry than walk in and try and explain that situation

and be accused of fraud. Yeah, okay. So that was a bad start to the 23rd. 24th fucking disaster. Why? One of my presents turned up, Rob. For my daughter. You're stressing me out.

What on the 24th? On the 24th, right? And it was, as he handed it over to Rose, I was out. It was vibrating like a vibrator. Okay, yeah, thanks for joining the dots. Yeah. You bought your daughter a vibrator? Off Amazon.

It looked like I'd bought a vibrator from Amazon. Yeah. Do you know what it was? Operation. It was Operation. But it looked like I'd bought a vibrator rob what did the amazon guy say well i wasn't rose picked up thank god yeah enjoy you can have a great christmas i just couldn't get anything done on the 24th rob two kids in the house stuff to do it was a disaster christmas eve was an absolute disaster so what

did you do that you just was in the house with them well no i had to take my i took both of them out because then rose and her mum could get on with food prep and wrapping yeah but i my daughter had the worst christmas eve ever because she was so excited about it but we were trying to get stuff done where do you think I fucking took her on? Victoria Park the park why not? nice festive special treat

to the fucking park again well I only needed 90 minutes I'm not going to get in the car nothing's open on Christmas Eve where am I going? loads is open Christmas Eve what? loads is open what? I'm not going to go to fucking Westfield, Rob, on Christmas Eve. Why

did I? I was out to the kids to the cinema to see Muppets Christmas Carol. Yeah, Rob, one of your kids isn't 18 months old. Can you imagine going to the cinema to watch Muppets Christmas Carol with an 18 month old? No, that would have been a bad, that would have been awful. Put yourself in my shoes. I'm going to go to the cinema with an 18-month-old to watch Muppets Christmas Carol and ruin it for everyone. I didn't realise when we got in, the one I booked was a dog-friendly screening. Oh, my God.

And you hate dogs. I don't mind dogs. I don't really want to have to step over one in the dog. Why is there a dog-friendly screening? What fucking dog wants to go to Muppets Christmas Carol? It's not the dog, is it? And do you know what? The problem with the dog-friendly screening isn't the dogs.

It's dog owners. Yeah. They love their dogs too much. Does it smell? It didn't smell. Dogs don't really smell, to be honest, apart from if they've come back from a walk. If you're taking a dog to the cinema,

you're going to give it a brush up. Yeah, yeah. I find it's a little bit like... So how many dogs are in the cinema? I'm saying 10 dogs. There was 10 dogs in there. They're all really well-behaved, but it's a bit like... Did you take your dog?

No, fuck that. You didn't know it was dog friendly? Well, I did know. Did any of the dogs bark at each other? No, they're all quite chilled. And then, to be fair, it gets dark, so they just go to sleep. And it was quite good, actually, if your kid doesn't like big, loud bangs, because it's a bit quieter.

Oh, what? They turn the sound down for the dogs? But I had seats right towards the end so i had to make three people and three dogs stand up to get to the end where we were sat what do you mean you had to make the just step over the fucking dog you can't step in the fucking dark i don't want to step on someone's dog's head you're getting your dog the dog to stand up and shimmy back like it's the person at the cinema sorry fido get back a bit no come on it was quite funny though when there was like a yelp in the a dog yelped in the film and then all the other

dogs went oh god that was quite cute and then but then all the dog owners like oh my god i'm like some people love their dogs too much i think josh yeah yeah of course they do rob i i think you could be accused of many things but i don't think you could ever be accused of loving your dog too much no that dog gets the gets the right amount of love out of me i think yeah otherwise it starts taking the piss tough love i'd say the cat's having a tough time though the dog keeps chasing the cat the cat needs to just stand up for himself the cat as well jumped over a little fence on top of the dog and the dog didn't know what was going on

so it was like kind of right road the dog road yeah and the dog went just spinning around trying to get a cat but he couldn't get the cat because it's like ufc i've got to ask yeah did you give presents to the dog and the cat um i didn't but lou did oh no he got a little jumper and a toy and a woolly app anyway um sorry so what did you do you went to the park christmas eve and didn't you enjoy it christmas eve i just went no that was fine but then you're just you're basically we we fucked it up christmas eve rob that's that's because we were so behind because of odd december yeah we had too much to do on christmas eve my daughter was really excited about christmas but we couldn't give her any attention because we were doing stuff yeah so she's yeah yeah i get bored out of her mind

we were going do you want to watch stickman for the eighth time because we've got to do the stuffing or whatever do you know what I mean? It was an absolute... It was our fault. Did she eat any of the Christmas food? On Christmas Day? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine with the food on Christmas Day.

Oh, does she? What, she'll have, like, roast turkey? Well, obviously, you know what I have, Rob. Yeah, vegetarian lasagna. I took a photo for you. Lovely. Yeah, I've got a photo for you. I thought I'd send it to you.

Oh, yeah, lovely. Put this, please. It looks a bit like a cauliflower cheese, to be honest. It looks good, doesn't it, Rob? You've got stuffing, though. I've got stuffing. I've got sprouts. I've got spuds.

I've got carrots and weird purple carrots. I'll be honest with you. Your Brussels sprouts look shit. You've just boiled them. Whoa, Rose isn't going to be happy about that. Well, they look shit. I'm sorry. Well, they just look, they look tasteless.

No offence. Well, do you know what? You passed it. We are big sprout people throughout the year oh yeah and then yeah we do lovely roasted sprouts with capers and truffle oil oh lovely rob oh and then christmas day we just boil up the fucking sprouts yeah why did you do that i don't know rob yeah i don't think it plays it feels like it was a bit of a kick bollock scramble your christmas oh mate rob rob so you come back for christmas eve you come back from the park

yeah what time is this oh i don't know lunchtime my son has to go to bed so about midday oh he's still on a nap oh that's good oh he's still on a nap big time he's still in that big time thank god it's it is the only time i get to wrap presents or do any christmas prep and so the whole day is just i just started tidying rob i just couldn't stop tidying i basically i think i had a bit of a do you ever it all just gets too much and you just start hiding and you can't stop for some kind of desperation for control. All right, let me rephrase the question. Let me rephrase the question.

Does Lou ever start tidying as a desperation for control? Yes, I think she does that a bit more than me. I'll give the dishwasher a once over and I'd wipe the sides. Fuck me. I've loaded the dishwasher so many times in the last 48 hours oh my god i spent more time in the dishwasher than my kids oh my it's insane how i can't believe it's still happening i can't believe that we're still creating dirty plates dirty dishes just when you think you've got on top of it

something else full of leftovers gets finished and then you've got another dish that's got stuff welded onto the side of it also as well

the Christmas dinner really does weld onto a plate if you leave that the gravy cheese to dry that is a one the dishwasher's not enough

you've got to scrub and rinse before it goes in yeah exactly exactly how was your Christmas Eve Rob? was your build up better? well we did quite a lot that week The dishwasher's not enough. You've got to scrub and rinse before it goes in. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. How was your Christmas Eve, Rob? Was your build-up better?

Well, we did quite a lot that week. So should I go through the week of what we did? Is it going to piss me off? No, no, no. Well, no. We went on that bus tour, didn't we? Oh, we had a lovely bus tour, Rob. We had a lovely bus tour.

Me, you, Rose, Lou, and the kids, but not your youngest. He would have hated it. But we had an afternoon tea Grinch bus tour. It was fun, wasn't it? The French guy who was like comparing the bus. He was good. He was good. The cakes were good.

It was good, wasn't it? I'm going to say it. Yep. The advantage of them turning things green is that it's nice and Grinchy. Yeah. The disadvantage is that children decide they don't like it because it's green when they've just eaten a normal scone. Yeah, that's the problem. I did feel like our kids were a bit anti the cakes because they were bright green. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, and you're going, come on, mate, it's only food colouring. It doesn't taste. But it's difficult to explain that to a four-year-old. Yeah, you've just got to let them ride it out themselves. But the kids got on well. Your daughter is so polite and so sweet. She was so quiet. She's very quiet.

Do you know what? She takes a while with strangers. Right, okay. Yeah. Especially a Frenchman talking about the Grinch on a microphone strapped to his chin. It's a very fascinating thing. If she's with people that she really knows, she becomes heavily in charge.

And if she's with people she doesn't know, she sits back and observes. She's like you. She looks exactly like you as well. Yeah, well, that's a shame for her. You know. No one deserves that. I'd say you and rose have got the complete opposite

shape of faces yeah but do you want to know something interesting go on moses got a thin face but when she was a child she had a big round face she had a big round face as a child all right okay she had a big round face as a child which i've got as an adult which my daughter's got so we don't know if she's going to morph into Rose's thin face or maintain the big round face of, of Widdicombe. Yes. But it's quite,

it's almost very trademarky your face. Yeah, I have got it. You know, like, um, well, um,

Elm at first and got her legs insured. You've got your face insured. I've got my cheeks insured. Yes. Um, but no, she's, she's so sweet.

She's really sweet. Yeah. Your kids are lovely, Rob. They're loud. They're not loud. Oh my, I tell you who's fucking sweet. She's really sweet. Your kids are lovely, Rob. They're loud. They're not loud. Oh, Mike, I tell you who's fucking loud. Who?

You. Oh, that was bad, wasn't it? You heckled two separate people on the bus. I know. Someone's phone went off, which, considering this morning, the fucking cheek of it, right? Someone's phone went off in the middle of the bus, and Rob shouted out,

Oi, oi, Captain Business. It was bad. It had got a laugh, to be fair. The whole bus heard it. Yeah, but I can't help myself. There's something wrong with me, Josh. I speak before I've thought. Were you brought up in a Jonglers?

Like, it's like... Yeah. My house was worse than a Jonglers growing up. Was it? Oh, so loud. Everyone shouted. You're constantly on your toes looking for bants. 100% it's survival.

Do you know what my mum did at Christmas dinner? You're on the Grinch Christmas bus. Yeah, but mentally I'm back in the junglers of my house. Do you know what my mum did to me at Christmas dinner? Well, it was Boxing Day, actually. I'd got some seafood. And no one has ever done this to me before. And it was a little thing

but it really freaked me out it's sort of really invasive she was eating prawns and obviously getting like prawny fingers and then i had a serviette like a nice christmas serviette thing on my lap she reached over picked it up off my lap and cleaned her fingers with it oh that's unacceptable did she not have her own serviette yeah and it weren't like it was next to my plate where it could have been hers or mine. It was on my lap. She put her hand in your lap. She put her hand in my lap, got a serviette and wiped her fishy fingers. And she went, I haven't got one.

I went, yes, you do. It's there. And it was by an alpha fork. Secondly, if you haven't got one, go and get a bit of kitchen roll. Don't start picking from my lap. So tell me more about your beautiful build-up where you've got all your presents wrapped, which I'm going to put on Lou rather than you, Rob.

Yeah. You've got all your presents wrapped. You're just doing wonderful activities with your children in the build-up for Christmas. Yeah, should I talk you through what we did? Oh, go fuck yourself. Alarm again. No.

No, you're joking. Let me put the code in. It just does a weird odd beep. One second. It just did a random beep. No. No, you're joking. Let me put the code in. It just does a weird odd beep. One second. It just did a random beep. Oh, for fuck's sake. This can't be listenable. Sorry, Josh.

It's all right. So take me through your absolutely wonderful build-up to Christmas. Wonderful build-up to Christmas. Okay, so... Can I also ask, getting all your presents done, getting everything organized what percentage of that is lou based and what percentage of that is rob based two words rob mental load everything okay for the kids lou sorted everything while i was away pretty much

yeah just because i wasn't here to do it food wise that was sort of i'd say 80 20 in my favor of sort of getting the food yeah so i do all the cooking on the day and sorting out the food and drink and stuff and collecting it. Oh, that's... But do you think, Rob? Yeah. I look at the people that do the cooking and I feel a bit jealous. I think it's a good gig. Because you're always like, sorry, I've got to go in the kitchen, just have a glass of wine and listen to the radio for 20 minutes.

Because of our house, everyone just stands round the kitchen while I'm cooking. Oh, right. Which I find quite intense. Like Greg Wallace and John Turow style. Yeah. So I hosted Christmas Day and Boxing Day, and by the end, I was absolutely knackered. It was too much.

I might do an eat out next year and then just get everyone to come back to the house for drinks and, like, snacky bits. The old pub. The old pub lunch. The old pub lunch. I've always looked at that and thought, that looks tempting,

but they've got very strong views on bringing your own lasagna. I reckon if you, yeah, you can't bring your own lasagna and go, warm that up for me, mate. Did you leave it in the shed or did you put it in the fridge? I'll be honest with you, Rob. Yeah. The time was so bad that it was made so late in the evening that we just left it on top of the cooker. Okay, fair enough. Right, so my week. Monday wasn't a great start to the christmas week i had to go to birmingham for a corporate

which was a yeah yeah not ideal anyway the next day 20 if we did the kids tuesday the yes day where we had to say yes to whatever they wanted oh my god which was great fun do you know what it weren't even they didn't even take the piss that much it's basically they just like the idea of control so you just have to set up parameters and go, right, let us know if there's any big things you want to do. Because you can't on the day say, we want to go to a circus. Because you're like, well, where's the circus kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

But they wanted to go climbing. They love Clip and Climb. So I took them to the Reach Climbing Wall down in Cholton. They love that. Yeah, lovely. Big up Hacken, who helped us. They do a thing, 60 quid, which I thought was quite good, for an hour's one-on-one.

You get an instructor for all four of you for an hour. And I thought that was really good because you got to experience it all. Who was better, you or Lou? Lou was more fearless than me getting right up to the top. Really? Because I bottled it halfway. Did you? Yeah, yeah.

Did you bottle it and have to come back down? Yeah, yeah. You don't stay up have to come back down? Yeah, yeah. You don't stay out there forever. Everyone has to come back down. Very deep. Very deep, Rob. Very deep. But Lou was better than me.

But also, Lou's very... What I tell about Lou is she's a feminist, but actually does something about it. So she'll go, right, I am going to climb that wall, or I am going to do it, or I will build the IKEA furniture and stuff like that. She makes a point of doing it um which is great for me and you show your feminism by letting lou do everything yeah so i'm sure i'm a feminist by letting lou do all the building of the ikea

stuff exactly it's great i love it i love being a feminist is it true you bought her a spanner for christmas is that is that true no no that was her birthday present actually an early one because she needed it um yeah so we did that kids tuesday then we went climbing wall and then we went to hey dougie live on the south bank they had an there was allowed an ice cream before lunch because it was yesterday went on the carousel which was i'd say overpriced but they enjoyed it how did that how did they approach they could choose whatever they ate all day. What were they doing? Donuts in bed for breakfast. Oh my word. And then they had ice cream and for lunch,

but then also had some like a hot dog thing from like one of them concession stands on the South bank. And let's be honest, Rob, were you joining in? Were you going, well, I'll have donuts for breakfast as well. I was trying to be,

trying to be healthy leading into Christmas, but, and then a pizza for dinner, but actually like they just loved the idea of it more I thought they were going to ruin it obviously when they get older

mine are five and seven it'll go up a notch when they're 16 and 18 that's going to be a tough day and you're out trying to score some weed for them you just need to give me more

if you want hard drugs you need to let me know if you want class A's I need a couple of days. But yeah, that was brilliant fun. We enjoyed that. Then on the 21st, we were on the Grinch bus with you. That was fun.

We had some cakes and stuff. And then on the 22nd, we had a chill day at home. Then me and Lou went out for some drinks and food, a little date night. And then we had the babysitter come around these people have sorted their lives out it was great we had a babysitter around went out for drinks and we'll see some friends and um we uh this is funny when we come back the baby babysitter is brilliant they love they love the babysitter said oh yeah they did play a trick on me and we went oh what was the trick and she went oh your daughter said come here to the bedroom and smell under the covers it smells beautiful and i was like oh sometimes the girls spray lose

perfume so when they're upstairs supposed to be asleep they're running around spraying perfume they come down and i thought oh they did that no they both farted and hot box yeah yeah hot box the babysitter oh my god oh my god oh my god fuck it now that is incredible i know it's a bit Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Fuck it now. That is incredible. I know. It's a bit much, isn't it? Seven and five.

I think, though, if you're a babysitter and they go smell under the duvet, it smells beautiful, I think you think they're going to be fired under there. Surely. Surely. She played along, though. Great woman. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Good woman. And, yeah so that we did that 23rd we went down to lapland you know lapland in ascot oh yeah i've been there that was great that is one of my few christmas victories i tell you though it was torrential rain in the morning and it does take a bit of the magic off but um it is brilliant yeah did the real snow melt um no it didn't you know that was still there it was still there. It was still pretty solid. The magic was still pretty strong. So, no, that was brilliant. As ever, you've heard me sing those praises before.

Tell you what, Rob, you've had an incredible Christmas period. It's insane. Will we get there one year? Will we achieve this? Well, Christmas Eve, obviously, went to Muppets, watched the cinema. Fucking hell. Came back, had a bit of lunch and then me and Lou sort of wrapped a few presents, had a

few drinks, a bit of party food. Made love in front of the fire. No, no fire. Just did it in front of the radiator. Just in front of the electric fan whirring. Warming our cold bodies. I'm fine I'm not sexy at Christmas.

I'm not into it. I'm too tired and full. I'm sexy at Christmas I'm not into it I'm too tired it's the least sexy time of year I'm so fat I'm so fat I feel awful I got so hot on Christmas day from cooking I sat in the garden

for 25 minutes just did a t-shirt oh my god and trousers obviously oh well this this was quite fun on Christmas day

yeah so was your Christmas day as perfect as the build up to Christmas I'd say Christmas it was lovely I was just so

like the food was great we had Lou's mum and dad over and Christmas, it was lovely. I was just so, like, the food was great. We had Lou's mum and dad over and stuff, and it was really lovely. I was just too tired. Honestly, I think when you've got kids... Well, you had done 48 activities for your children in the week before, Rob. Yeah, I think, and we'd had their,

and we had both their birthdays, like, two Sundays in a row. And I think by the time it gets to Christmas, like, it's a time to catch up with family, isn't it? And also Lou's, our other niece on Lou's side, it's her birthday at the beginning of December. So Lou essentially has seen her mum and dad four Sundays in a row.

So by the fourth time... They just love shagging in March. Yeah, they do. The Watsies just get a bit horny most of the time. They love the spring. They see a lamb,ny most of the time. They love the spring. They see a lamb. Let's go to town. And so Christmas Day was a success.

How did the presents go? Yeah, good. Yeah. So we had Father Christmas gave them one present, which was the Barbie Dreamhouse. And then we got them some. That's how we sort of do it. And yeah, they loved it.

They absolutely loved it. I was so happy and excited like those people that wait till the afternoon i think you're losing the momentum and the energy of the morning by waiting so long yeah oh you've got to go you've got to go hard go early i think i was getting all excited and clapping along like a nan when i was like i saw you know when i sort of caught myself going i'm in the moment here and yeah so no it's. And then the food's all good. It's just, I'm just thinking, I think everyone's a bit ill and tired. And I just, I find it so exhausting, people. Yeah, it is fucking knackering.

So how was your Christmas day? It was good. We did Santa, obviously. He came. That was good. Stocking. We had to leave one stocking downstairs because my youngest is scared of him. Oh, really?

Yeah. That's not with him in the room, which is understandable. So we had the stocking was in the room. She wanted to put a carrot out for every reindeer. Okay, that's a lot of carrots, mate. Yeah, we talked around to carrot batons. So one baton for each reindeer, which was good. One baton.

Hummus? No, no hummus, Rob. Sure. Because I thought when he's doing the rounds and hackney he's probably hummus up to the eyeballs enough as it is do you know yeah yeah exactly so what'd you put out for him what do we put out nine carrot batons some brandy and a mince pie classic nice okay fair enough and um she wanted a magic set for christmas yeah she got a magic set from santa how was that it's a lot of work for the parent the magic set she was she was annoyed she was annoyed it wasn't actually magic which was annoying for me because it's very

difficult to explain that you just have to learn how to do the tricks now do you know what i mean yeah yeah you're you've got to bring something to the party yeah you're not going to be able to make a ball disappear she was annoyed that there wasn't the opportunity to put a rabbit in a hat and make it disappear and i thought come on mate imagine if you got a rabbit just for the trick i know exactly so i'd say christmas day was a success i'd say oh lovely yeah good food party lasagna was good i uh you're not gonna believe what i did in the morning rob victoria park i just took my son this on the morning because i've never known anyone you you're there more than the bloke who's in charge of it you're there more in the grounds

key but you should just get a set of keys honestly open it up for him but my son you've got two daughters right yeah now i've done a sample of my friends who've got boys and girls i know every child's different yeah fuck me they fit into gender roles quickly my children my son my daughter would happily just stay in the house and do crafts until the apocalypse if my son is still in the house at five past ten in the morning he is going fucking insane i think it's like a dog that needs walking you've've got to just walk them. Take him to the cinema. Dog friendly. Yesterday. Took him to the park in the morning.

Then got home. He didn't want to come in the house. So I just had to walk him around the block. And then in the afternoon, I was just walking him around the block. So is he walking himself or is he in a buggy? Yeah, he's walking himself. Right, yeah. So you just walk him around the block.

He doesn't know the difference between a road and a pavement. That's annoying. And then... So he's got this thing, right? Where he's been taught to sit down for his food, right? Like a fucking dog. What? So it's like...

What do you mean? He sits down if he wants food. Like... Because he goes to his seat normally. Yeah, he goes to his seat normally. So just in the street you'll do it? If he's hungry? Well, that's what's...

That's what happened for the first time yesterday. This is a picture of him after I bought some grapes at 5pm in the afternoon. Could you see that? He's just sat on the floor in the street. He's just sat on the floor in the fucking street until I gave him a grape.

He looks like you as well. I know. He's like you've bred on your own. Because they're definitely yours. They're definitely mine, Rob rob there's no doubt about that because when i saw yours i did think i'm not sure about this um well yeah so he just sits down did he give him a grape on the floor yeah and then he just did it he sat down on the pavement about five or six times on the way back

from the shop so basically he's walking along with you and he wants another grape so rather than put his hand out, he just sits on the floor. Oh, he puts his hand out and then he sits down on the floor. And then you're like, what the fuck am I going to do here? Yeah. Because obviously normally

he's in a buggy because you're taking him somewhere. But because I was just taking him for a walk to stretch his legs. He's like, honestly, it's like having a greyhound. It's mental.

Yeah, it must be quite a jump as well because your daughter is so chilled. I know she comes out of her shed a bit. But she wasn't like she's just sort of she's very she just just goes along with life yeah he he's desperate to do stuff do you know what i'm doing after this rob what the moment this stops recording victoria park yeah honestly i fucking live there i might as well move to the park there is like a little house in the park like a kind of groundsman's house yeah thinking of looking into it well the thing is what if you live a bit further out you could get a bigger garden and you could run around the garden more the problem with that is rob he does run around our garden but he'll go into the flower

but the thing victoria park is i don't matter i don't care if he fucks it up. It's just, it's a big open green so he's not going to hurt himself. It's a big open green so he just goes and you just follow. And let's be honest, have a look at your phone while he's walking off.

Yeah, that doesn't seem safe, but that's fine. No, no, no, no. I'm keeping pace with him. I'm three steps behind, but if he's not looking, I'm going to check my WhatsApps.

Or I'd have a podcast in one ear. I feel too guilty about the podcast in one ear. Do you do that? Well, no well no but like when they're that age and they're not directly i wouldn't have a podcast if she if he sat on my lap and talking to me or trying to watch a tv show if he's just sprinting forwards yeah i think running just walk then and then it's a lot nicer walk and you're the key thing is to watch him and he he goes over so often, right? He goes over and he doesn't give a shit, right? So I reckon, obviously, he falls over, you know,

grass joins the path, he'll fall onto the grass, that kind of thing, yeah, constantly. And he doesn't think anything of it, because he's 18 months old. We were walking past a couple yesterday, he fell over, and the man who was about 60, he, like, panicked and lifted him up and picked him up as if and it

looked like i was a bad dad rob because i just didn't even react to my own son falling over i just watched him fall and just carried on yeah but you know that he's fine i know he falls 20 times a day it's fine grass in winter is basically a bouncy castle. Exactly. It's fine. So that's been my Christmas. And I've been ill. I've been ill. Everyone's ill. Me and Tom Davis. You know Tom Davis?

Yeah. We were messaging each other about Christmas, blah, blah, blah. What turns out, we were both having a shit at the same time. Oh, my God. Shit twins. That is not an image, is it? How did that come up? Well, I was messaging him.

Yeah. And I was saying, I was like, oh, I've just gone to the toilet for a bit of quiet time to have a shit. He went, I'm having a shit too. We both sent each other a photo. And then what was funny was all the messaging stopped. It was obvious we were both wiping. Oh, my God. And do you know what?

I mean, no disrespect to him. Yeah. If you asked me to write a list of the top five guests we've had that I wouldn't want to follow into the toilet, Tom Davis would be on it. I bet he does some damage in there, doesn't he? Oh, my word. He's a big lad. He's a big lad.

I imagine yours are perfectly spherical. Yeah, it's like a rabbit. Little rabbit drops. Little beige rabbit drops. Yeah. Josh, should we do a, what's it called? A small business shout-out. Yeah. And then next episode, I think we should do some correspondence.

I feel like I really need to have a successful Christmas next year, Rob. I feel like I'm on a bad run. Yeah, but I think that Christmas is never as good as you think it's going to be. And don't beat yourself up for it. It is what it is. It's just a day. I think I prefer all the other days. Not of the year, but around Christmas.

I agree. I mean, actual Christmas Day, I find. But then I'm doing a lot of the cooking and organizing i think if we go i'm gonna try going out next year so what what you're gonna do you're all gonna turn up at a pub oh my god it sounds so good okay they could come to our mine come to mine at 12 have a little drink a little bit of fizz for an hour go to a pub have some lunch come back and have sort of like little snacky bits or a turkey sandwich oh my god no washing up no washing up no dishwasher mate well and in me we just have a quiet day we go like people can come on christmas day but have a quiet day boxing day oh yes please oh my god i

forgot to tell you one last christmas thing to add to my appalling preparation for Christmas. Yeah. I went to the Hackney Big Tesco on the 23rd. Okay. Fucking hell. That is a tough. I took my daughter because I thought it would be a nice day out. That is an insane place to go on the 23rd of December. The queues. That's a lively Tesco.

That's a lively. The queues, Rob. Two thirds of the way down the aisle. Yeah. I was at the back of the queue with all my stuff and I phoned Rose and I said, I think it might just be quicker to abandon my trolley and go to the local shops and buy all this stuff, which we could have got anyway, because I think I'm going to be in this queue 45 minutes.

What did you do? I stayed. Yeah. But that wasn't my biggest mistake my biggest mistake rob was i chose to queue up in the alcohol aisle on the 23rd of december oh josh so for 45 minutes i was basically blocking people from their alcohol i would say it's the bleakest place i've ever been the alcohol aisle on december the 23rd in hackney Tesco stood with my five-year-old daughter. What was popular for Rob?

Fucking everything. If you think England has got a bad relationship with alcohol, you should stand in the alcohol aisle of Tesco on December the 23rd. It was enough to put me off drinking for life. I tell you that. It was unbelievable. My daughter's not really understanding what's going on, why people are pushing past her in an attempt to get the last bottle of rosé.

Who's drinking rosé on fucking Christmas Day? Well, to counteract that drinking that we've all done over Christmas, here's a small business shout-out. Here we go. Hi, Josh and Rob. We actually love the podcast. It brings a smile to my face every time I listen. Please could you give a small business shout-out

to my husband's alcohol-free bar in Derby? Oh, here we go. He and some friends set it up a few years ago, and now they have a bar in the city centre which is completely alcohol-free. They started renovating the building just before we had our daughter, and have just celebrated their first birthday. They have also an online store, and they do delivery across the UK. Their Instagram is Yada Collective, which is y-a-d-a

collective and their website is yada collective.co.uk if you're ever in derby or not in an area pop by and enjoy a pint of aqua free beer or a cocktail thanks um go on josh you got one yes hi rob and josh huge fan of the podcast been listening since more or less the start whilst we don't have children yet, my partner and I love listening and found it both invaluable and terrifying hearing from you both as well as your guests about the ups and downs of becoming a parent.

It's now safe to say we're both excited and terrified in equal measure after listening. I'd like to ask for a small business shout out for my partner's dog barkery called Good Dog Barkery, which she started during lockdown after our cockapoo loki was found to have several allergies which made getting him treats both expensive and difficult since his diagnosis she's been a certified dog nutritionist creating a range of products

which not only use human grade ingredients but also nasties free and gluten and dairy free she makes each one by hand and takes care to make sure they're not too calorific for dogs. She can be found on Insta at gooddogbarcury, like bakery, but with an R in, where there is a link to her Etsy shop. Any help you can offer to get her started will be a big boost. She's gone above and beyond to give our food-loving dogs

something he can enjoy, so I'm very proud of her. Thanks in advance, Tom. Josh, I'll see you for the next one. Friday, I think Correspondence Special. Oh, yes, please. We don't do enough correspondence. Do you know what we say more than anything on this show? That we don't do enough correspondence.

We should use that time to do correspondence. Yes, please send more stuff in as well. This is a call-out for more correspondence. Any boomer stories, any injuries from your kids that have hurt you by accident. Any funny stories

from parenting, let us know and we'll read them out. Josh, see you next time. See you next time. Look forward to it. Bye.