Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP46: Bum hole, bits, and willy...

Episode Date: December 30, 2022

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Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Margot. Come here, darling. Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Whittacombe? Ben and Bush Whittacombe.

Well done, darling. There we go. That was nice. That was a good intro, that. Yeah, that was nice. Hi, guys. This is Margot, nearly four years old. We love your podcast,

and Margot would love for you to use this on your podcast as she's a second child, so nothing exactly happens for her as older sister, Matilda, aged six, has done it all first. Matilda's going to be fucking livid. Love their mummy, Amy, from Bristol. So this is a very tough life for Margot. She has to do something different

to her older sister all the time. She'll be constantly searching. Tough it. Where were you in the line-up of siblings? Three older, one younger. Oh, bloody hell, Rob. Too many kids, mate. No wonder you've done this desperate

seek for attention, eh? Am I right? Yeah, pretty much. That's exactly what's happened. But let's not get bogged down by that. Now, I have a problem playing those out, as we've discussed, Rob, because I live in a Wi-Fi black spot.

Yes, yes. I suggest that you should be doing this podcast from somewhere that has the internet. No, because I've put internet wire into my computer so the podcast works perfectly, but I just can't really access my phone during the podcast. The worst thing about the internet black spot is just outside my house, there's a complete black spot if you want to use a card machine.

So every time I get a cab home and I need to pay by card, it will fail. And then I have to explain to the cabbie that he now needs to drive me around the corner because that's the reason my card is bouncing. Oh, that's annoying. Yeah. And it looks like I'm just trying to... Why is that in London? You're in London.

It sounds like you're back in Devon. No, I know why they can't get a taxi back in Devon, Rob. But yeah, isn't that bad? It's really bad, Josh. Before we do the correspondence, there's a couple of things I forgot to tell you last time we's really bad, Josh. Before we do the correspondence, there's a couple of things I forgot to tell you last time we spoke. Oh, exciting. I've taught my children the words vagina, penis and anus.

Yeah, good, good. Because that's the medical term. Because that's the medical term. So what were they calling it before? Bummo, Bits and Willy. Bummo, Bits and Willy. Absolutely. One of my favourite sketch groups from the Edinburgh,

when we used to do Edinburgh. Vagina, anus, dick. Penis, not dick. Dick. So, but then I was sort of doing that because I found it quite funny. And Lou was getting the up in me. I was like, no, it's the medical work. It's the right thing to do.

Yeah. But then they were going uh then they misheard me and they always called it sagina peanuts and anus and then for some reason they just started basically my youngest daughter used to say wasby whipple like you know like a little baby baby voice and she's just grown out of it now and says raspy ripple like yeah normally without that sort of baby twang yeah um and then i was like oh you're not a baby anymore blah blah blah and then we had a chat about you know the words penis anus and vagina then they started chanting raspberry anus raspberry anus raspberry anus over and over again

it was living i don't know why they they were doing it and they just kept going raspberry vagina yeah vagina is a difficult one because my daughter calls it a vagina a vagina like it's a difficult word for a kid to do for some reason vagina yeah

but anus is fine oh they love anus although my daughter wouldn't call it an anus. She'd call it a bum, I think. So what does she call it? Bum? Vagina. Vagina, vagina.

Vagina, vagina. And then what about... Willie, probably? Willie. Yeah. She called it a schlong for a bit, which I thought was a bit weird. Hey, yo, why did we have... The Johnson.

Yeah. The one-eyed snake? Yeah. We had my daughter's friend round, and she calls it Netflix. What, a vagina? She calls it a Netflix. She calls Netflix Netflix, like brown flakes or corn flakes. Oh, Netflix. She calls Netflix, Netflix. Like brown flakes or corn flakes. Oh, that's cute.

I thought that was good. Yeah. Any more kids calling things things wrong. Yeah. That's quite funny and sweet. Let us know. Send them in. Yeah.

Oh, this other thing. Before we do correspondence, I know we keep threatening. We're not doing correspondence, Rob. We are. Basically, I need some advice here, Josh. Right. Because I don't know what to do. So. I've got a doctor's number if you want it, Rob. We are. Basically, I need some advice here, Josh, right? Because I don't know what to do. I've got a doctor's number if you want it, Rob. No, no, that's nothing to do with my anus.

I'd say my anus is in the best health it's ever been. Would you? Yeah, I'd say it's great. That's good to know. You know, normally on this podcast where you go, I've sent you a WhatsApp, we'll pop it on the Instagram. You haven't said that this time, which I'd say... Do you want me to send you a photo of my anus?

No, no, I don't know. No, OK, cool, fair enough. I did have to get Lou to shave my back on Boxing Day. What? Sorry. Because I get really hairy back. Are you Malcolm in the Middle? What's going on? Because I get a really hairy back and Lou shaves it for me because I can't get round there.

On Boxing Day? Yeah, in the garden, and it was really cold. What, in the garden? Are you living in a trailer park? What's going on? You don't want to get hair in the garden. And it was really cold. What, in the garden? Are you living in a trailer park? What's going on? Well, you don't want to get hair in the house. Why were you on Boxing Day making Lou shave you back in the garden? Because I just noticed it.

We had a bit of spare time before people come over. When you get divorced, Lou is going, that is going to be cited in court as some of your bad behaviour. Meanwhile, you're sitting there fucking Instagramming about your stand-up special being on Sky. And Lou's shaving your back. Yeah, that's still available on Sky. No, but we'd been busy because we had to catch up on Traitors before the finale.

And I'm not going to spoil it for anyone. Traitors is a great show. But I've got to be able to be... It's the greatest TV show of all time, Rob. Yeah, but do you know what annoys me a bit, Josh? Is that it's reality TV. Okay? Yeah.

Right? It's reality TV. is that it's reality TV, okay? Yeah. Right? It's reality TV. And now, because it's on the BBC, it's almost like all the little stiff-necked Guardian readers have decided that reality TV is okay now.

No, I'd like to be very clear. I still don't like Love Island, Rob. But it's essentially the same. But you like it packaged. It's different for me, Rob, because obviously, as you know, I am a huge fan of the original Five or Six Big Brothers. Yeah, sure.

So I was there at the start. I'm currently listening to a 10-part podcast about reality TV, Rob. Really? Which is very interesting. I'll listen to that. Can you send that link to me? Yeah, I will send that link to you. But I would say to people, stick with this podcast as well,

because 10 10 you know don't get too distracted by it but um no no no no no Josh let them listen and let them come crawling back

crawling back when you get to the episode about the hills and realise you don't give a shit oh no I don't give a shit about the hills but it just annoyed me a little bit it's basically reality TV

and people oh my god this is reality TV when it's done well I've been there from the fucking start of reality TV don't start jumping on board because it's on fucking TV when it's done well. I've been there from the fucking start, reality TV. Don't start jumping on board because it's on fucking BBC Two.

It's on BBC One, Rob. Is it? All right, whatever. Same thing, isn't it? But yeah, it's brilliant. It's really good. But yeah, so the advice. Basically, my youngest daughter gets a little bit,

doesn't really like going to bed on her own. Okay, so always would always ask a sister to have a sleepover. And they did for the first week of Christmas off school. They were sleeping in the same beds together anyway yeah then and then christmas eve it came to her head because she didn't want her stocking at the door because she's scared of santa yeah she had to have hers downstairs but she still wanted to sit with her sister but her sister wanted her stocking on a door because she wanted to see it when she woke up in the morning and then you know and then at one point to try to appease the youngest i said look he'll be so quick and i basically

reenacted how quick santa would be he won't i was like he won't even look at you he'll just come in and i've pretended to like put stuff in it and turn he won't even look did she put any did she put any uh snack out did you do the snack as well yeah we did gingerbread carrot and some milk did you act him out eating the snack without even looking at her? No, no, no. The snack's downstairs. Oh, right. Okay.

All right. Fine, fine, fine. By the fireplace, I forgot, went to the front door again because when we were growing up, we didn't have a fireplace. We just used to put it on the doorstep. So that was a classic me and Lou arguing. Anyway. So push comes to shove.

They both slept in separate beds. Okay. So I went with the youngest and I said, I'll lay with you, right? And then my eldest was like, can you lay with me? And the eldest doesn't want or need me to lay with her. She just wants to lay with me because I'm laying with the other one, essentially. So I'm laying with the youngest and the way their bed's positioned is I lay at the bottom of a bed like a dog sleeping by the feet.

My kids have got small doubles. It's not a double, but it's bigger than a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. So two of them can get in, right yeah right like a bad hotel that kind of double yeah yeah yeah exactly like you think this isn't really a double but it's fine for kids okay yeah so i was laying so when i have sleepovers of friends i space so i was in my youngest i was laying at the bottom bed she went can you lay next to me but if i lay next to her on the bed in order to once she's fallen asleep i've got to climb over her oh mate always wakes. Always wakes her up. Always wakes her up. So I said I'd lie at the bottom.

Anyway, so I'm laying there for ages. And then she's listening to her music or whatever it is, sing to or Mamma Mia. I'm laying there. Youngest is nearly asleep. Eldest, Dad, can you come? And she wakes up the youngest. I'm like, yeah, just shush.

I'll come in a minute. But she's nearly going to sleep. And eventually, I think I've got the youngest to sleep. So I get up. Don't disturb her. Then I go and get in my eldest daughter's room and i lay next to her but the way she her bed is it's easier to lay alongside her as if i'm going to sleep in that bed with my head on the pillow as my youngest demanded but i couldn't do because i wake her up so i'm laying there with the oldest right right? She's about to go to sleep. Youngest walks in. Why? I thought you were going to lay in a bit. And why are you laying on the bed like I asked you to?

Why do you love her more than me? Why are you laying there? And I'm like... Oh, no. That's awful. That is superb. But it's impossible to keep them both happy. You sound like one of those people that's got two different wives.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. But then as soon as the youngest walked back in, so this was about like quarter to nine, right? I was like, half eight, quarter to nine. And I was like,

right, she's good actually because I don't need to be along with the eldest. She doesn't even really want me in there. She's not cuddling up to me. She just wants me in there because I went in with the youngest. So I'm like,

bang, I'm downstairs by 10 to nine. I'm watching telly. As soon as the youngest comes in i'm like it's a half an hour that's an instant half an hour yeah that's game over that's game over yeah so and then and then you sort of think she's too young to understand that i'll wake her up if i lay on the next day she just thinks i don't want to lay with her so how does it end who knows they basically uh They basically go out clubbing when they're 18 and I cry myself to sleep thinking, I wish I could just lay next to them, hold their hand. And suggest to Lou that maybe, you know,

50 isn't that late to have another third kid, surely. Well, the problem is, that's the thing about the third kid. They're cute and that, but you're always... It's basically, it's like a drug addict. You're always tracing the hit. Because they will grow up and be big and not cute anymore do you know what i mean so you're constantly chasing the hit yeah that's the danger and you just have to sort of go right now i've had my time so you've gone cold turkey haven't you we've had to go cold turkey because then what happens is like she's so like my youngest now is five she's a proper girl little

girl at school she's not and in our, she's still the cute little baby. She's a big five as well, isn't she, Rob? Yeah, she's very tall for five. She can see why she's an athlete. Yeah, she's big. She's quite, yeah, I think it's going to be interesting when she starts doing sport. She started karate and taekwondo.

I wouldn't want to face her in the karate ring. She is, she is. Are you trying to say my daughter's intimidating? No, I'm not trying to say she's intimidating, Rob. I'm saying, you know, she's not got a huge amount of beckett jeans in the physically okay all right so you're saying that she's got more of a louise watts body shape that invokes a level of fitness and yes i'd say right yeah i'd say she's a watch i'm not sure how to take this so well in what way is she a watts not a beck So in what way is she a Watts

Not a Beckett In what way is she a Watts Not a Beckett And I say this With You know Your Your squat

I'd say broad No no no I don't mean that I mean I've seen you Do that thing Where you pull your trousers up Rob Yeah

I saw you do that at a preview It stuck with me It stuck with me you've got a strange shape and your daughter should be absolutely dancing all day long that has not been passed on she must be delighted yeah well they to be fair they lose side like Lou's dad he had a knee replacement he's really good at the sport and he's quite tall and athletic and stuff like that

and Lou's sister was a dancer and now is like a Pilates teacher it's going to be the greatest story of all when your daughter scores the winner

in the World Cup final for England and they cut back to you the footage of you with the KFC just 20 years before. Look, I've always had the talent, but just not the body for it.

You've seen my goals at England. Exactly. This is it. I can't run. I just can't run. Get her in an academy, Rob. You need to Richard Williams this straight away. We'll see how that goes. But yeah, I think we're quite lucky. No offence to my parents.

Or the other option, Rob, is give them a childhood. They're your two options. But, you know, what a life if they make it. But I want to say about my parents, but I don't mean unfair on them, but they don't look like athletes. No. My dad's five foot five, my mum's five foot.

Yeah, yeah. And I've never seen my mother run. Have you never seen your mother run? Ever. I'd say I've barely seen her walk briskly. She's got bad knees now, but even in her pomp, she weren't a quick walker. I'd love it if they'd be good at sport.

It'd be fun, wouldn't it? Well, you've got the skills, but not the physique. Maybe you've passed on the skills. Yeah, maybe. Let's see. Let's not get bogged down about my physique, okay? the physique. Maybe you've passed on the skills. Yeah, maybe. Let's see. Let's not get bogged down about my physique, OK? I'm sorry. It's been a long Christmas.

I've been eating a lot. I don't need you telling me I'm fat. This isn't about you're not fat. You're not fat. I'm talking about your leg length versus your body length. That's all I'm talking about. I am heavy. Right, let's do this correspondence, Josh,

because this is getting out of hand now. We've done 20 minutes. We haven't fucking... Sorry. Or probably six minutes once it's been edited but we've been recording for 19 minutes here we go

always interesting when we drop in a time thing and people can look at their look at their time and see how much Michael has thought was dog shit almost definitely

they will have cut out the bit where we say who won the traitors I don't know yeah that's gone that's gone right okay here we go. Right, here, do you want some boomers?

We've got loads of good boomers. Do you want some boomers? Yeah. I've got some Christmas. You don't want any more Christmassy stuff, do we? We're sort of done with Christmas now. Oh, I don't know. Let's move on.

If it's funny, it's funny. Oh, this is bad packed lunch. Because this is from when you were talking about your daughter wanting packed lunch. You thought about making her a bad packed lunch so she won't ask for one again. Yeah. Georgia from Tunbridge Wells wells 372 months she said it dawned on her after hearing you talk about this that she remembers being at

primary school and being so excited to have her first ever pat lunch as up until that point she had had school dinners which she hated she said i sat down with my friends and they all took out their sandwiches crisps and cold snacks. I was so excited. But I opened my lunchbox and inside was half a cold quiche. Oh, no. Nothing else. Just quiche. Nothing else.

Just quiche. Dry. That is a dry one. No drink. I've never forgotten. And listening to your podcast has suddenly made me think if my mum had done it on purpose to stop me asking again that is bleak

how big's the quiche? half a quiche is too big like you've got to have something else for your fucking chub in a bloody club or a trio

who actually likes fucking quiche? I don't like quiche let alone fucking it do you know what I'd fuck a warm one not a cold one if I had to fuck a quiche it'd be Lorraine and it'd be warm. I'm glad you added the quiche thing.

Michael, could you just do an edit and remove the quiche and replace it with Rob saying TV presenter? That'd be terrible. That'd be an awful thing. Fake news, fake news. Here we go. All right, boys. When I was growing up,

my family would attend midnight mass on Christmas Eve. One year when I was only small, on the way to church, we passed a very drunk man on a bench swinging a beer out of a brown bag with a bit of sick down him. He slumped on a park bench, but most importantly,

with a long white beard. My brother, eight years older than me, whispered, that's Father Christmas. He was ready for his night shift. Better keep your bedroom door open. He'll be coming into your room tonight to deliver your presents. Me being about five or six was absolutely terrified.

It scarred my childhood every Christmas from then on. Father Christmas wasn't the jolly man from the North Pole, but the drunk man at the end of my road who creeps into my room at night to deliver presents. From that night onwards, my door would be firmly shut Christmas Eve, Love the podcast. Hannah Smith, 27 from Bromley. Right, boomer stuff. Do you want some boomer stuff?

Yeah. We've got more boomers. Here we go. When I was little, my cousin and I wouldn't touch any vegetables. To get us to eat them, my auntie told us a story of Nasty Green, who was a monster that came and got children who didn't touch any vegetables. To get us to eat them, my auntie told us a story of Nasty Green, who was a monster that came and got children who didn't eat their vegetables. To make it even more terrifying,

she also drew a picture of him. He was basically a mutant broccoli monster, and she stuck the picture of him next to the table so that we were constantly reminded that Nasty Green would get us. Oh, Nasty Green's such a good name. We didn't eat our vegetables. Nasty Green? I used. Nasty Green's such a good name. We didn't eat our vegetables. Nasty Green.

I used to have nightmares about him for years. Oh, my God. That is superb. Nasty Green. She's got another one as well, though. Go on. She's got double, Megan. She's got a double.

Nasty Green. No, Nasty Green, before we move on, that is a great name, Nasty Green. Yeah, Nasty Green. If you do want to send in your um artistic uh interpretations of nasty green we'll put them on our instagram um also when i was about 15 we went on holiday to greece on the plane home i sat near what i thought was a good looking boy on the plane and we spent the whole journey smiling and looking across each other oh good stuff i was like we've not read this out before i was like oh josh is the guy yeah bit of fun do you know what if i if i looked and smiled at a girl on a plane when i was 15 there'd be

police waiting on arrival i looked menacing rob i've got to ask a question you met lou at work didn't you so she she knew you as to who you are yeah yeah have you ever pulled a stranger? Pulled a stranger? Like, have you ever chatted someone up on a plane or on a train or, you know? No, no. I mean, in a nightclub, I've sort of like got off with people when I was like 18, 19. But that was different. But look, I am, I need to be near you for a long amount of time to grind you down. What I've got, I've got a lot of what I've got. And at the start, you're not interested in it.

But I'm a grind down guy. I literally don't know how you do it. I've calmed down a bit now. What do you mean how I do it? No, I just, the thought of like charming a woman in a cafe was so far from my abilities. It still is. Oh, God.

Oh, my God. They used to call me all bants, no pants, my mates. Did they? All chuckles, no fuckles. Because I had just friends over every time. Oh, dear. But yeah, I think, do you know what, though? I have calmed down a lot and I've sorted a lot of stuff out in my head.

And people at home must be going, what the fuck were you like? I was awful. I was so relentlessly, blah, blah, everywhere. Especially when I didn't have stand-up as an outlet. Stand-up tires me now. But in the pub, after... You remember that Far Show character,

the office, funny office bloke, who wore a wacky tie and a big ginger hair? Yeah, Colin something. Yeah, he was like the office clown. He was Charlie Higgs that was you i was just yeah in the pub oh i'd be in the pub first non-stop performing oh all chuckles no fuckles all chuckles it's sad really did you it's actually quite bleak and you met Lou just before you started stand-up or when you were just starting? No, so we worked in an office job in London doing admin

when I was 23 and I'd done one gig and then I started gigging again and then Lou came but like with another girl from it. We were all like a group of friends. So she sort of come, but Lou came to one of my second ever gig and then so she knew me before I started gigging and then I did other gigs

before I went to Adelaide and she like used to give me notes she used to give you notes oh that's good yeah yeah when she came to that second gig did you think

was your heart already hers Rob this is for you Lou no all for me oh right okay fair enough I was just trying to just trying to you know

no no I was absolute narcissistic megalomaniac at the start. It was all purely for me. Terrible. A complete lack of self-worth. No self-worth whatsoever. Stood on stage, everyone laughed and clapped, and I was like, yes, you are good.

And then that descended in, 10 years of chasing that drug until I accepted myself and realised I am enough. I don't need them to laugh. Yes, I can enjoy it and it'll be fun, but that's not the reason why I'm a good or bad person. And that took a long time and a lot of therapy. It's good that I took this hour out from reading Matthew Perry's book to

basically get more of it on the podcast. Yeah. When I worked in an office in London before I, I, before I started in comedy, I was on a very Matthew Perry path. When I worked in an office in London before I started doing comedy, I was on a very Matthew Perry path. When I worked in an office, Rob, I was so quiet. It was such a non-event.

I remember going, when I joined Dora the Explorer magazine. Yeah. We all went for a drink the first night I was there as a kind of welcome drink. I just didn't speak. I remember, I vividly remember one of the other people in the office going, you don't say much, do you?

And I thought... Do you think they're all Spanish? Que? Pardon? Oh, man. Mi amor Joshua? I was so nothing here, Rob. It's unbelievable.

Oh. I just get one... I remember one week, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, I was on the night bus home at 3 a.m. Bear in mind, I started work at 8.30 a.m. I'd leave Trafalgar Square on an hour and a half night bus with the McDonald's. Yeah.

I did Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. I'm going to work. Oh, my God. Awful. Awful, man. Anyway, let's get back to, this is the 15-year-old on the plane. Yeah. That's what we're on.

Bloody hell, that's a journey, wasn't it? Long way, Greece. Here we go. When I was about 15, we went on holiday to Greece. On the plane home, I was near what I thought was a good-looking boy on the plane. And we spent the plane journey smiling and looking at, well done, love it, looking across at each other. When we got off the plane, he came over to me and gave me his number on a piece of paper

my dad saw from a distance he was fuming and immediately took the piece of paper off me as we exited the airport my dad saw him and his family

getting into a taxi he stormed over to the taxi as the boy and his family were climbing in he threw the piece of paper into the taxi shouting we're not interested

he dragged me away i know what you fucking threesome with your daughter you fucking nutter we're not interested then drag me away red-faced classic boomer parenting mega god that is i understand no that kid's out there that is awful that is awful what he's done i understand that dads will find it's a challenging time when your daughter is changing from a child teenager into a woman. And as she gets older, she'll have boyfriends and get married and have kids. That is a difficult thing. That is not how you deal with it.

No, no. That is awful. That is. Anyway, Megan's the one. You don't need to. Oh, my God. My friend was once on a train. Unless it was 27.

Oh, my God. My friend was once on a train. Unless it was 27. My friend was on a train and he got talking to a girl. One of your friends? Sure. And he got talking to her. And I think she wasn't on the same table, but she was, like, across.

Yeah, yeah. And then he thought he'd do the old pass the note with the phone number on yeah so uh he got up to go to the toilet and just put the note down on her table and walked off yeah yeah and then when he came back from the toilet she was literally sat there with her head in her hands like just totally mortified. Oh no. Just, she couldn't believe it. Do that as you're leaving, not going for a shit.

You don't go to the toilet, leave the note and then come back. Oh, and what happened? She just ignored him. They just never said anything to each other

for the rest of the journey. Oh, right, Josh, right, here we go, right. Rose's left you.

Yeah. Right? Okay. You're in a flat, you're in a flat in Soho. I'm a bit annoyed you've dropped this in halfway through the podcast. You could have mentioned that at the start. Right. You've got a flat i'm a bit annoyed you've dropped this in halfway through the podcast you could have mentioned that at the start right yeah you've got a flat in soho that's too bleak

okay you're in a flat around the corner so you're close to the kids you can still you've still got a good relationship with rose and the kids which has not worked out rose has got the house obviously you know that you're in a little flat around the corner there's two bedrooms because the kids come to stay yeah you're in a box room you've got a flat around the corner you're sleeping in the car there's two bedrooms because the kids come to stay yeah yeah you're in a box room you've got a flat round the corner

two bedrooms I feel physically sick at the thought of this what I mean is the thought of I'm fine with Rose leaving me that's okay

yeah okay you're in the flat right it's getting back out onto the scene Rob yes okay so now you're you're on the scene you're Joshua to come

off the last leg oh no happy it's all good Rose is she's moved on she's with her personal trainer they're loving life Yes, okay, so now you're on the scene. You're Josh Whittacombe off the last leg. Oh, no. It's all good. Rose, she's moved on. She's with her personal trainer. They're loving life. He's moved in. He's in your bed.

And you're now on the lookout. You're on the scene, Josh. He's my personal trainer as well. That's awkward, but he does a good job. He does a good job. And also, it's good to catch up on what my kids are up to from him while we're working out. Yeah, yeah, okay.

So talk me through. You're back on the scene. Right. First of all, what you're doing, are you... I'm not getting on an app because I'm too worried about people screen grabbing me. Yeah, but as long as you don't put anything too embarrassing on there. No, but people are like, oh, Josh Willey can light my photo on an app. And I'm like, what?

I'm a fucking loser. Do you know what I mean? Surely. Yeah, but that's how it works. You've not been a loser. No, no, I know, Rob. But I'm a public figure, Rob. I can't, I can't.

There is a famous one, isn't there? It's called something. I can't remember what it's called. Yeah, but I'm not getting on that. And suddenly I'm trying to chat up fucking, I don't know, Mandy Moore or whoever do you know what I mean

if you had to give me an hour to work out 300 names where did that come from I've not thought about Mandy Moore in 20 years you like Mandy Moore don't you

no I don't even know what she looks like I was panicking because I couldn't remember the name of well I've just googled Jessica Simpson

that's the other person I was thinking of, essentially. The problem is, Rob, if I get on a celebrity app, I don't want to go too much into what my tactics would be, but I'm instantly losing my only Trump card. What, you've been famous? That's a Trump card? Yeah, it's all I've got. So you're not going to the lab?

So you're asking what I'd do if I got back on the scene? Yeah, so the difficult thing is, obviously, So you're not going to the lab? So you're asking what I'd do if I got back on the scene? Yeah. So the difficult thing is, obviously, are you looking for someone who's got kids already or doesn't want kids or no kids and you want to have kids? Or are you done with kids? I'm done with kids. Well, I'm done with kids in this scenario, obviously.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. You don't want any new ones. You may, you know, you'll take on some other kids. But you don't want to breed more. Rob, I enjoy my freedom. Okay, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. You don't want any new ones. You may, you know, you'll take on some other kids. But you don't want to breed more. Rob, I enjoy my freedom. Okay, yeah, sure. Okay.

So you're shagging about. Is that what you're saying? No, I'm not shagging about. I just mean I'm watching Super Sunday. Okay. Jessica Simpson. She's there next year watching Brentford's Fulham you enjoy your freedom for a bit

so you're not looking to get into a relationship this is a difficult one because Rose is going to listen isn't it it sounds like I'm only answering the questions

that are posed to me yeah it's just the answer is I've got I've got literally no idea how I would go about reading it.

So you're not going on an app, Friends of Friends or something? I think we spoke about this before for me, didn't we? And I'd just find someone else famous that was single. Did you? Yeah, I think we spoke about this before, but for me, not for you. Right, let's get back to this because you love Mandy Moore and Jessica Sims. This is a really intense boom apparent in this one this one's quite quite shocking actually and i think i think is why you know like i think this

explains why have you seen that trend on tiktok where people go to their parents it's normally a mom or dad who in their 50s or 60s and say have you heard so-and-so's died like stewart or elton john to get the reaction and they really react like something like burst into tears and stuff like that but I think it might be past trauma from the way they were parented when you hear these stories I can sort of see why their reactions are like that so this is from uh Carmen Luck age 53 from Market Harbour okay boomer parenting this is I think this might even be beyond boomer this was like in the 70s but she says hello robin josh not sure if this would be good content for your show as it may be a little sensitive but i thought you'd like to hear how god oh my god dad done his parenting

back in the 70s i had a pet rabbit called bluey now i wasn't great at cleaning bluey out i didn't like the smell and to be honest i was young and I had other things I wanted to do. My dad, who is a very strict ex-army guy, would always say to me, Carmen, if you don't clean that rabbit out, we will have it for tea. Oh, my God. I never paid attention. Then one day I came home from school and walked into the utility room. There was this horrific smell and there was my dad gutting my rabbit.

What? This was after many months of being warned that this would happen and I did not listen. I was distraught. My dad tried to make it better by offering me the rabbit's foot to take to school for show and tell. What in the name of God? Needless to say, the family ate the rabbit for tea.

I refused and had fish fingers. Needless to say? And then the old caveat. He was a great dad, but obviously being in the army and it was the 70s, rabbit was seen as a great meal and I didn't listen to my dad, which I probably should have. No, you shouldn't. You're a child and you didn't clean it out.

It doesn't mean your pet gets eaten. It did teach me a lesson, though, and I'm now a vegetarian and I love my dog more than I love my husband, but don't have a rabbit or is this no no oh fuck it mick wouldn't eat a rabbit he's not that harsh um yes that is boomer and beyond that fuck me that is intense that is very intense that is that's i do feel like i know we laugh and joke about this but that is something that i think carmen should should maybe speak to someone about that's, I do feel like, I know we laugh and joke about this, but that is something that I think Carmen should maybe speak to someone about. That's not, that's something that needs to be worked through. But you could go, do you know what?

This is bad now, but in, you know, 40 years, I'm going to get a really good email out of this to a podcast. True, exactly. So, you know, in a way that rabbit didn't die for nothing. Exactly. He's helped us out with a bit of content Christmas week. Right, I've got a couple more good ones here. This one's, us out of a bit of content christmas week um right i've got a couple more good ones here this one's this boomer parenting's mental this one hi rob and

josh i don't have children and when you read this boomer trauma you may understand why oh no when i was around six or seven episode we've ever done i begged my parents to let me watch the horror film the fog they initially said no as it would scare me too much after many minutes of nagging and promising i wouldn't be scared and would go to bed just fine my parents gave in which is a bad move you shouldn't let a six-year-old watch the fog i was absolutely terrified and that night decided i needed to sleep in with my older sister not long after going to bed i shook my sister awake as i was convinced the fog was seeping under the bedroom door. Oh, my God.

We kept watching this. And indeed, the fog was coming through the bottom of the door, screaming and crying. Eventually, we heard the noise of laughter coming from the landing. At the time, my parents were both smokers. Yes, you guessed it. No, no, no, no, no, no. They were frantically blowing cigarette smoke under the bedroom door.

Fucking hell. Which is bad in itself. To prove to me that they were right and I would be scared. Oh my God. Thanks for all the laughs, Vanessa Passaro. That's insane. That is incredible.

And I get worried that I may be laying with one daughter longer than the other. Here we go, Josh. Well, let's leave on this. Okay, okay. Hi, both. Love the podcast. It really helped me through some hard times in lockdown having a one and two year old at the start of it. Oh, blimey, Josh. Well, let's leave on this. Okay, okay. Hi, both. Love the podcast. It really helped me through some hard times in lockdown

having a one and two-year-old at the start of it. Oh, blimey, Ben. This is from Ben Halpin. Bloody hell. Here are some questions I was asked during my vasectomy consultation because we've been asking for details on getting a vasectomy,

something that we're thinking about. Not to get as a couple. Are you genuinely thinking about it, Rob? Yeah, potentially. You've got to about it, Rob? Yeah, potentially. You've got to do it, Rob. It's good content for the podcast. You get your dick snipped first then, and then I'll do it.

Why would I want to get my dick snipped? You want another kid, mate? See if Mandy Moore's up for a third. This is what they were asked. This is what Ben was asked at the appointment. What happens if your kids die? Which I think is quite an open question. Fucking hell.

I'm not in the mood for shagging, would be my answer. Oh, God. I know. What happens if your kids die? If they did, the last thing I'd be thinking about is when we can have more. Yeah, exactly. I'd just sort of deal with the grief, really.

I wouldn't go, oh, I regret that vasectomy. That would be so low on my list of concerns. Oh, and I've oh i regret that vasectomy that would be so low on my list of concerns oh and i've only got a bloody vasectomy it never rains but it pours does it to think i got my dick snipped last week what are the chances here we go he was asked three times are you being forced to do this that's like when you put a put a big amount of money through my nat west app and it asks me if you have to go into the bank to go i need to try it's a big amount it's a big load um what happens if you get divorced that i think that's a fair question i've asked you that already he's not going on an app and he's gonna bring up mandy moore of a sect to me chat

well i've been thinking about mandy moore actually always been a big fan of hers that's the plan and then we'll go from there then this is what he was told as well uh after the operation please ejaculate 20 times in three months after the operation i think that's doable we we have that with the with our water filter in the if you've got a fridge water filter? No, I don't filter my semen. I just have it straight. Sometimes there's soda stream. When we put a new filter in the fridge, you have to put 20

pints of water through it before you can drink it. Oh, really? So obviously it's the same as a dick. 20 times, ejaculating 20 times in three months after the operation. As long as you can do that solo, I think that's manageable. Yeah. My question would be, how many ejaculations is too many? My concern is over-ejaculating rather than under.

I don't think I'm going to go under that. I think they should have fun with the people and go for a difficultly high number. He's absolutely exhausted. So in the next three months you're going to need to do 400 ejaculations that's just the way otherwise your balls are going to fall off so I'm just telling you this now

so 90 days 400 divided by 90 days so it's about 4 and a half a day you're going 4 a day or are you going to try and do 10 in a day so you can have a day off well it's 4 every day you're not going to do 8 in a day for a day off You're going four a day? Or are you going to try and do ten in a day so you can have a day off? Do you know what I mean? Well, it's four every day.

You're not going to do eight in a day for a day off, are you? Oh, no, I suppose not. Four wakes a day, that would be awful. I'd set an alarm and do one in the middle of the night, like antibiotics. It's the only way. Got to do it with food, though. Got to do it with food. Dude, ejaculate on an empty stomach.

Make sure it's a full one. Yeah. Right, okay. Anyway, let's do some small business shout-outs because we've gone over them. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi there. Love the show.

Ovs wondered if you could give my small business a shout-out. I deliver art parties to kids in Gloucestershire. I bring the party, and it's art in capitals, and we all make art. Perfect for letting the kids make a mess while the parents have a G&T slash homebrew cider. And I clear everything away like nothing ever happened. Loads of love, Maddy.

And that's artpartiesuk on Instagram. So art, A-R-T-P-A-R-T-I-E-S- e s uk on instagram if you're in Gloucestershire and you want an art party loving the pod been a huge fan since the first episode used rob's pom-pom jar idea for my two children which has been a game changer i would love you to give a shout out to my sister's small business which started when she had twin girls the business is called which started when she had twin girls the business is called bibadoo b-i-b-a-d-o the bibadoo coverall is a weaning bib which catches the mess the little ones inevitably make when learning how to eat it attaches to the high chair so stops all the food from going in their lap floor which results in an outfit change and a major cleanup operation which let's be fair can

be a bloody nightmare it was invented from a chopped-up umbrella. She finally got the business off the ground. This is like something from Dragon's Den, isn't it? I'd really appreciate a shout-out. She's worked really hard, especially in lockdown. All her nieces and nephews have been her guinea pigs to test out her various designs. This is great. You can find her on Instagram and Facebook.

Bibadoo, B-I-B-A-D-O, www.bibadoo.co.uk. Thanks very much. Mandy Moore. I should add, it's Lou's pom-pom jar, not mine. I can't take your worry for that. Josh, I will see you... Oh, that was Kath in Cardiff, by the way. Oh, thanks, Kath in Cardiff.

All the best. Yeah, I'll see you. I think we're going to have a slight week off with a couple of best-of episodes, and I'll see you back think we're going to have a slight week off with a couple of best of episodes and I'll see you back best of episodes so that'll actually be

better than what you're listening to now if that's believable exactly and then we'll be back in January for more and we'll get

Sean Wolf happy new year 2023 we've got big plans we've got big plans oh big plans coming your way the life tour

we've got some very exciting plans for 2023. Right, see you in 2023. Thank you very much.