Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP5: "This is no way for us to live, Rob..."

Episode Date: August 2, 2022

S05 EP5: "This is no way for us to live, Rob..."More misadventures in parenting (and beyond)...Please rate and leave a review Thanks Rob + Josh (and Michael) If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellMAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] NEWS.... we're writing a book! ⭐ All the stories we can’t tell on the podcast – in depth.⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents)⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them... [e-mail]'s it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)?And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick?Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike.Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here: https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBookIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellMAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And Josh Whittacombe. Josh Whittacombe. That's good. Oh, lovely stuff.

That's Americana again, Josh. Yeah, we're big in the States side. Hi there. Love the podcast and hearing your trials and tribulations as parents. This is my daughter, Julia, age two. She was born in March 2020, just four days before lockdown started. Fucking hell. Both sets of parents flew up.

Did I say that out loud? I think we're trying to swear less on this podcast. Well, I am. Oh, really? Well, I swear too much, I think. Yeah. When we were doing the book, Rob this podcast. Well, I am. Oh, really? Well, I swear too much, I think. Yeah. When we were doing the book, Rob, and we had to take our swears, I searched the F word, and there was 61 of them.

61 Fs. How many did we take it down to? I don't know. I regret I didn't do another eight, so it was 69 it started on the Fs. Both sets of our parents flew up from Bermuda to help out and got stuck with us for six months. Oh, you'd be livid. Where do they live? Fucking hell. They up from Bermuda to help out and got stuck with us for six months. Oh, you'd be livid. Where do they live?

They were in Bermuda. Where are these people from? They are in Cambridge, Massachusetts. No offence, Cambridge, Massachusetts, but it's no Bermuda, is it? No. Both born in Bermuda and moved to Boston ten years ago. Anna, Paul and Julia.

There we go. Anna, Paul and Julia. There we go. Anna, Paul and Julia. Was that Julia took the baby called Julia? Yes. Quite a grown up name for a baby, Julia, isn't it? There's a Julia at my daughter's nursery as well. She is, I would say this, at least five foot at the age of three.

One of the tallest children I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, but that's hard to judge because you still think you're five foot six. I am five foot six, Rob. I'm five foot six and a half, actually. I don't want to quibble. There's no way you're bigger than Dec. Well, we'll never know, will we? Well, you must have met him. Have you met Dec?

Yeah, but I didn't stand back to back with him. Oh, if I was there, I'd have made you do that. Yeah, I know. And that is a relief for all three parties. And would have helped me out, I reckon relief for all three parties and would have helped me out i reckon all four parties how are you uh you sounded so annoyed when we started this and i'm quite excited fucked off this morning well you text me right oh um you know i've been looking after my my son a lot this week and he's not done anything i'm a bit there's no anecdotes

that's the problem all I've got is emotion. I haven't got anecdotes. You said there's no anecdotes. No, at 8.38 you went, I've been looking after him all week, but I've got no anecdotes really. He's not done anything. And then at 9am, just changing a nappy, this morning has gone bad. So I've got loads of stuff now.

What's happening in 20 minutes? It's not, it's not anecdote. It's just emotion. Do you know what I mean? There's not anecdote. It's just emotion. Do you know what I mean? There's not like... There's not the quirky thing that happened. You're just following... So you're not stepping in dog poo.

Your life is dog poo. You're just six inches behind a 14-month-old as he walks around a room trying to make sure he doesn't fall over and hurt himself for 12 hours a day so what happened this morning what's what's what is the emotion you know you haven't got anecdotes you just got emotion what's the emotion just you know when people go i don't know if you remember this stage rob when you've got like a kind of one year old basically but like at the

last leg on friday people, you know, I can't remember who I was talking to. They were like, what are you up to this weekend? Are you working? You're like, no, no. They'll be like, oh, that's good, because it'll be nice to have a break. And you're like, are you fucking kidding me? Like, this is the opposite of a break.

The last leg is the break. Yeah. Well, do you know what? We finished, I had all my stuff ready by 8.05 on Friday. And that was my break. You just rested till 10. The rest before a live television show. And I was doing makeup at 8.45.

So 40 minute gap. Do you have makeup on that show? Yeah. Brooker's got all his limbs normally. You'd have to airbrush them out. They do an incredible job. But, you know, he's got a career out of it, so why not?

He shuffles around. You know, like, people didn't realise Keith Lemon was a character. He sort of has to hide in the shadows of all his limbs. Yeah, yeah, exactly. In case someone spots him. But you're just...

So yesterday, so I got back from the last leg at one because Hammersmith is so fucking far from Victoria Park. Like, it's mad. It's the same city, isn't it? Yeah. You're like, so I finished the show. You get off the studio floor at maybe 1115 and you have a couple of drinks and you're

like, fucking hell, it's midnight. And now I've got a car journey of over an hour. So you get home at one, wake up. The one ray of sunshine in this is... What time are you waking up? What time are you waking up? Our wake ups are fucking incredible at the moment, Rob. Really?

What were you, what you're dealing with? Come on, brag. It's time to brag. This morning. Yeah. 8.15. Yeah. come and brag it's time to brag this morning yeah 8.15 yeah to non-parents that is

still horrible but to parents that is the golden he wakes up and he just potters in his cot potters like what

a bit of gardening reads a paper smokes his pipe does his does his receipts just pottering just all clearing out that cupboard

so he's got some books in there and he's got like a couple of toys that we leave in there and he just potters. Yeah. Oh, that's good. So he wakes up at quarter past eight and then just sits there reading his book. Quarter past seven, maybe.

Seven-ish. And then he just sits. He sits there, he potters for an hour. That's good. The cot potter. He can't climb out the cot yet. No. I used to be able to climb out a cot at one. Yeah, I know. But yeahter he can't climb out the cot yet no i mean i used to be able to climb out a

cot at one yeah i know but yeah he can't he's short isn't he because he's he's he's my son little guy little guy um but then so yesterday get up and then you're just parenting from the off we had to get in the car because we're going to um my wife's dad's in um where's that place near brighton lewis yeah okay oh so you went to lewis for the day with the kids yeah so that's driving to lewis yeah from 10 a.m till 2 10 a.m till 12 is the drive yep he doesn't like the car seat so he's he's the only baby in history who's more stressed in a car seat he's actually a very quite chilled out baby normally he's quite a chilled out guy and then you get stressed in a car seat. He's actually a very, quite a chilled out baby normally. He's quite a chilled out guy. And then you get him in a car

and he's a fucking nightmare. He's just screaming the whole way. Yeah. Then he fell asleep for 45 minutes, meaning that when we got there, he wasn't going to have a nap. So that was my 45 minute break, was driving to Lewis.

Yep, sure. Look after him and my daughter all afternoon. Like, you know, because there's... How does she get, does she get a bit jealous of the attention because when they are 40 months it's all about them no she doesn't but you know

the worst thing is i just feel huge guilt that you just end up prioritizing him and letting her watch you know what i think it's called swashbuckles or whatever do you know what i mean like and and so you you feel like you're not giving her great parenting. Does that make sense? And then you're just... And then back in the car. And then we got back last night at 7.30 and she'd fallen asleep in the car.

So she didn't go to sleep until 9.15. Yeah. At 9.15, you're like, this is the first time. It's the first time I can just look blankly at my phone. Well, because you've been working a lot in the week, haven't you? Yeah, and parent, like, so you're working on parenting, working on parenting, working on parenting. There's no other moment.

What is the other? I don't get where the gaps are. There are, bedtime? Yeah, that. So, quarter past nine last night. And then we looked at our phone because our TV broke five weeks ago. And we haven't got around to fixing it. So, we haven't got any channels or reception.

Surely that can be fixed. Yeah, but when? When have you booked time off? When's your next bit of time off. Yeah, but when? When have you booked time off? When's your next bit of time off? What, without children? 2024. No, but with children. When are you not working?

Because when you're not working and you are with the kids, you do find time because you're not scurrying from one thing to the other. I am scurrying from one child to the other. I can't live with kids. What's wrong with the telly? I don't know, because I haven't got a chance to look at it. I think it's one of the wires or something.

One of the wires, okay. Have you got Sky or Virgin? What's the problem? Sky. So is it all plugged in? Yeah, yeah. And I was like, you know. Have you turned it off from the wall? Yeah. Why don it all plugged in? Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, you know. Have you turned it off from the wall?

Yeah. Why don't you ring Sky? Because to ring Sky, you have to have at least done a cursory check yourself. Otherwise, they'll just tell you to do it yourself. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. There's a few things on the website, try this, try this, try this. I haven't tried them.

So I can't ring Sky and go. I tell you what. Why don't you try it now? Because I'm recording a podcast. Yeah, but let's make it content. Get yourself down there, put some AirPods on. Talk us through your process. We've reached a low if that's happening.

All right, so that was yesterday. Then you woke up this morning. We're straight, we're recording a podcast bang on 9am yeah what are you doing today then what's happening what's the plan with the kids um

so we've got my daughter's friends coming around uh because it's Sunday this morning yeah that we're recording uh

we're trying to inspire them to um to be the next generation of lionesses by watching the England game I don't think they're gonna buy it right okay

so they're coming around to watch it this afternoon so they're coming around for the day so this happened yeah so I was watching the lion game, I don't think they're going to buy it. Right, OK, so they're coming round to watch it this afternoon, so they're coming round for the day. So I was watching the Lionesses. This will go out after the finals. We don't know if England have won or not. Well done, England. Well done.

Or for fuck's sake, not. Edit that in, yeah. And I was watching it, because Lou was away last week, because I was supposed to be in Sri Lanka this week filming, but we couldn't go to Sri Lanka because we're not allowed to travel there from the British government. So we were filming in London, but Lou had already booked centre park to her mum and dad

because she didn't want to be indoors with the kids for seven days on her own. So I was watching the Lionesses and I texted her, are you watching it? She was like, watching what? I was like, the football. It's the semi-final of the women's world cup is it i was like no we've got two daughters you're a feminist put a bit of a fucking shift in will you i'm doing my bit you know what i mean yeah i mean how are you supposed

to inspire the next generation of young women if no one's watching it well i've put the pressure on now. There's a lot on my daughter. I don't think she realises how long a football match is. Also, the good thing is there's a decent money

in football, women's football at the moment, but when, you know, another 10, 15 years, if they win this, then we could be,

we could retire early if they get the call up. Exactly. We're going to cinema again this afternoon. Yeah, it's 5pm the kick-off. 5pm the kick-off, yeah, so we should be back. 1.30 cinema, so we'll be back by then. I'm going to make them watch football.

Because they do watch, sometimes when I watch basketball and football, the girls do go, why is it all boys? Why is it all boys? Because it's not as much women's football on the telly. But I think it's been really good. Do you know what I like about it is how full the stadiums are, so it's a proper atmosphere. In the past, women's football has been in stadiums I think it's been really good do you know what I like about it is how full the stadiums are so it's like a proper atmosphere in the past

women's football has been in stadiums that have been a bit too big but the support has been there so it's been amazing it looks like an event you take your kids to doesn't it yeah

so yeah we're excited about that so that'll be nice you can just chill out and watch that what are you going to watch it on you ain't got a telly it's what you ain't got a telly

oh fuck I've just realised that you're joking no so you've invited people around to watch the football because we're going to watch it in the garden like we did with the men's but i've just realized because that's a different tv will that hopefully because that's a different tv you got a tv in the garden in the shed oh right so so you're going to sit in the shed and watch it no no you put it in the door you put it in the shed so the shed's like a kind of roof over the tv and you've got a tv in the shed so you just put yeah and that's the roof over the tv you can sit

in the garden and watch it yeah i think because it's a different tv it'll be fine are you watching it through sky no just through the tv free view thing yeah yeah that'll be fine then yeah yeah yeah okay cool anything else been happening this week Josh? You want to get off your chest? So that's been my life. I'm getting nervous about school. Do you know what? I have sensed a slight creeping anxiety in you in the last couple of weeks. I didn't know if it's because you're busy with work, but there's a big change coming, isn't there?

It's five weeks. I can't fucking believe it. So your daughter's starting reception at a new school. I think it's actually harder because your girl's in the nursery and then she's going to leave and go straight into the school sort of like over the weekend because she hasn't broken up for summer. You're not giving you much time to process it, are you? Because it's all normal still, like it has been.

Yeah, but I think the other argument, I suppose, is that you don't want this big weight and build-up. Do you know what I mean? Oh, no, of course. I think you're doing the right thing. But it's weird because it's creeping up on you. Yeah. Because when she misses nursery for a few days,

it's really difficult to get her to go back to nursery, if that makes sense. Right. She gets out of the habit. She doesn't want to go to nursery if she goes. She just addresses a nun. She gets out of the habit. Oh, yeah, right. It's she goes just to dress as a man she gets out of the habit it's a bit of fun we didn't need it but it's fine um so oh so has she got a uniform yet no we've got to do that that's that's when your head goes yeah well before would you do that before or after fixing the tv it's a difficult call isn't it yeah i mean i'd

fix the telly first you've got a few weeks for the uniform um but yeah when do you when do you go then have you got a fitting you got the uniform. But when do you go then? Have you got a fitting? You just go to a shop? I think you just buy it online. I don't know how you buy the uniform. I haven't even looked into it, Rob. Oh, God.

I'm going on the website now. Yeah, no, so there's school. So sometimes at the school, they have secondhand uniform sales. And then also there are shops that sell the uniform for your school. And there's normally a shop at the school they have second-hand uniform sales, and then also there are shops that sell the uniform for your school. And there's normally a shop at the school for the blazer, but you can sometimes get the shirt and trousers elsewhere. Bloody hell, there's loads of it. But you might want to go to a shop so you can work out what size they are.

That was when I said fitting. I'm not like, it's not like a wedding shop. You're not going to get all the grandparents there clapping as she walks out. But it's just so you get an idea of what size blazer she needs. There's fucking loads of bits of this uniform. It's absolutely mental.

Polo shirt, shirt, blouse, v-neck jumper, cardigan, pinafore. What even is that? Skirt, girls trousers, boys trousers, shoes. What's the difference between girls and boys trousers?

I don't know. I'll tell you what the difference is. Five quid in the wrong direction why are girls paying five quid more for trousers than boys what's going on there when i was at when i was at school and same for my daughter he's like i used to have like a white polo shirt with like trousers and shoes that you could buy from anywhere but then you sort of had to buy like the jumper yeah yeah that's basically what's going on here i think yeah because it has the normally has the badge of the school on it or the same color in it but but i'm going to be honest with you rob you know me yeah i am not going to shop around to a second website it's all available in one click it's really expensive rob no one told me thank god for this podcast making my money back i tell you what

though they do our school does a really good second hand uniform sale because what it is is loads of people that have panic bought a jumper that's the wrong size that's basically never worn especially i tell you what's really good at the second hand shop at the school is always stuff like the niche stuff like summer hat remember at my school when in my secondary school we had to have goggles and a lab coat for science. I don't remember wearing that lab coat ever. We didn't have to do that.

Oh, we used to have to have an apron, actually, yeah. Fucking hell. We used to have a lab coat. And what am I doing in science with no lab coat? I'm finding the whole thing very stressful, Rob. Let's break it down. What's stressing you about your daughter starting school? Well, just, you know, she's going somewhere, and somewhere and all her friends like they're all going to different schools or

some of them going to the same school but they've been split into different classes right which i'd find even more frustrating um so is anyone going to her school no no okay but that my daughter was the same there was no one in her school from her nursery. It's good for them. It gives them resilience. It's more my issue than hers, Rob. I'm fully aware of that. Yeah, no, of course. I think you just, it's good for them to,

if I think I, I think sometimes, if you're a kid that just does the same thing all the, you don't want to move them about all the time. But if you, if ever any, for anyone, if anything's too safe, it's not good for you. There's that David Bowie quote, isn't it? About like, when you're like out swimming and you there's that david bowie quote isn't it about like when you're like out swimming you're trying to do something your feet don't quite touch the

bottom that's when something good happens yeah because if you're too far out it's too much but if you're too close to shore it's too safe and nothing exciting happens does it yeah do we know what school he sent his son to don't was how we bowie how we bowieie? I mean, he's, I mean, Zowie Bowie, let's be honest, has been thrown in at the fucking deep end there, hasn't he?

His feet aren't touching the floor. Yeah, he is. He's straight off the deep dive on Zowie Bowie. David's not

giving him a fucking hope. He's launched him in a music school. Oh, I'm Zowie Bowie. Who's your dad then? Oh,

he's changed his name oh he's changed his name he's changed his name yeah he's Duncan Jones now Duncan Jones yeah he's a film director oh right yeah fair enough he's changed his name to Duncan

talk about going too far the other way his feet are really touching the bottle he's in a fucking puddle he's got his wellies on up to his knees in a two inch puddle the geezer got his wellies on, up to his knees,

in a two inch puddle, the geezer. Go on, big dunk. Go for you. This is how worried I am about it. So, it's just,

you know, it's a big change, isn't it? Yes. And so, what happens is, my friend, her son's left this school,

in year six, and she sent me, the bloody video, they'd made. So, they did a video of all the class it's genuinely i couldn't get through it for crying rob it made me too but they weren't your kids they're not my kids i don't know any of the kids yeah so i'll just send it to you i've watched this i don't really be sharing videos of children we don't know? Well,

we're not putting it on our Instagram. That's fair enough. Yeah, I trust you Rob. If I didn't trust you at this stage I wouldn't have started a parenting podcast with you two and a half years ago. The Leavers video. Yeah, so it's like the Leavers video. It's probably 15 minutes long. It's all about the second half, the first half's in.

Oh, that's nice though, because then they all just talk about their time in the school. And there's loads of videos of them throughout. They've all got long hair. It's like all the boys and girls have got long hair, haven't they? Of course they fucking have, Rob. It's East London, mate. Oh, they're cute. But anyway, if you watch it from the second half,

I reckon I've watched it now 12 times. And every time I cry. Really? I think that's quite manic It is? Yes Rob You've all hurt with me I think you're stressed at the moment Too fucking right I am So you've watched this video

And you got upset a number of times It is cute, it is nice So that's where I am in my life You need a bit of time off mate When is your next bit of time off? From work and child. No, just from work. You can enjoy.

Yes, today. That's the time off from work. Yeah, but I'm suggesting if you wasn't working as much, you wouldn't be as stressed by your kids because there's... Well, the rest of my year is much easier. Right, okay. It's much easier. Oh, that's good.

I just think you need to take your foot off the pedal. I did, but I made that decision about two months ago, didn't I? But the problem is, it takes a while for that to affect the diary because there's still all this stuff in from before... Your decision. Your decision. You know. Sleeping over at Alton's house

with Alex Brooker and Roisin Connery. It's too tiring, Rob. Rob, Rob, last week, I just, I'm just tired. Yeah. I genuinely have made the decision. I haven't taken any new work on in about six weeks. Okay. And it feels glorious.

Well, that's the thing. When you're self-employed, there is a bit of a pressure to, I've got to do this, I've got to do that. But I think you've earned a position where you can be a bit more selective now, Josh. Yeah. Just do it and relax. You'll feel better. And then you'll enjoy spending time with them.

And it won't be that, oh, I just need time on my own. Because then it all slows down a bit. Because if you're not too busy, you're not scurrying from one job to the other. It doesn't feel so intense. Yeah. Fucking hell. Well, I've got this story. I don't know if it'll make feel better about um your daughter starting school but um my uh my my young well

my youngest keeps having uh nightmares but i think i've realized she's been watching films that are pg on her ipad not you ones so she watched this one called sea beast sea beast right it's a pg so she keeps we've we've've discovered what's been happening, so we've put a stop to it now, and we're making sure she's watching age appropriately. She's four? Did you say youngest or oldest? Youngest.

She's four. Google sea beast. Yeah, when a girl stows away on a ship of legendary sea monster hunter, they launch an epic journey into uncharted waters. Yeah, and there's just this massive sea beast that's hunting a boat. Fucking hell. And so she's been watching that, so I think she's probably having

nightmares about this sea beast um and stuff so she'd be waking up a lot so i've been going in and sort of laying with her to help her back to sleep then as i was doing that i could hear like from the other room and then the six-year-olds in there crying like a kid from an enid blighton book yeah you know that's sort of like proper like mary poppin sniveling kid yeah i'm like really upset but i'm like are you actually upset or have you made yourself this upset yeah do you know what you said no but it's in the back of my head i was like this is a weird upset it's almost like and also she was slightly getting louder and louder with it when i was in the other room comforting the younger one so i'm like is she just jealous i want a bit of attention so go in and then she's like and i'm like what is it don't worry you can tell me and then like i you know i'm calm and but

she's like really upset and then eventually but i think she's just that i'm like i think she's thinking of a reason you think she's oh really she's not actually upset she wants attention but then she said oh i'm really upset because a girl from her school is leaving and she's not she's leaving year one and we're going into year two and she's not going to be in year two basically i think her parents are moving away so she's moving school she goes and she's leaving and i really like her but i never got to tell her and i'm gonna miss her oh this is too heartbreaking and i'm like oh my god and she's like but properly like, but properly, like... And I was being supportive, but obviously, don't worry and trying to calm down and be nice.

But the back of my mind was like, I don't think she actually cares. I don't think she gives a shit. I think she likes this girl, but I think... She will not remember you in 12 months, mate. Is that what I should have said to her? Yeah. People move, things come and go.

You wait until you fall in love with someone and they break your heart. That's coming. When she's an adult, you'll bump into her and she won't know who the fuck you are. I do sometimes say to her, look, I've got loads of friends that I don't see anymore. And do you know what? Sometimes it's for the better. Chop out the fucking dead wood here, mate. Well, to calm her down, I said, well, I'll tell you what we'll do is,

why don't we write a message for her now, and in the morning I'll send it to her mummy and daddy. So he wrote a message and he said, hello, it's, you know, so-and-so on my dad's phone. I really like you and I'll miss you in year two. Hopefully see you soon. Name and a kiss. And I've put that in my notes so that in the morning I can send that to her.

She's woke up. She's had a bagel. Yeah. And some fruit. Not mentioned it. I think she's forgotten what she pretended to be upset about yeah you should force her to send the message that message is such a humiliating embarrassing thing to have to send if you're not that into the friend suddenly you're stuck with them then yeah i know and all of a sudden we're arranging play dates

this girl that she doesn't really like that much but just had to invent it because she had something she needed to get attention away from her sister. Oh, this has been annoying for us this week. The egg situation. Because I told you my kids got into eggs in Greece. Did I tell you that? No. Well, basically, they don't eat fried eggs in this country.

In Greece on holiday, add a fried egg at the buffet every day. Only eat the yolk. Don't eat the white. And then, because in this country, they like boiled eggs, but they only eat the white and not the yolk. Right. Yeah.

So that's the situation we're at at the moment, where if it's fried, they eat the middle. If it's boiled, they eat the outside. But never, never, never both. Fucking hell, Rob. You know when you tell me to stop being the prison bitch yeah well no i'm not picking it off for them i'll give them the egg i'll let them do it but i just don't get that i don't get their their process do you no no and they call fried eggs

creek eggs now do they because i think yeah and so what's what i saw i said i feel like i'm in a fucking logic problem what's the score with an I'm in a fucking logic problem. What's the score with an omelette? They don't eat omelettes. They don't eat omelettes. They don't. They keep it separate, mate. Don't you dare mix that.

Don't you dare. They like scrambled egg, though. Do that. Fuck. Yeah, now. Sorry. I should stop swearing. I need to tell you what I had for dinner last night.

I was working loads and I come home and Lou cooked some sausages, right? And she ate one of them, just like I had a sausage. And then the girls had a sausage each. And then she left two on the side for me. Came in and I was starving. So I made a sandwich and I put my two sausages in. And then there was another spare sausage on the side that Lou didn't want. Put that in.

And then they didn't eat their dinner. So they left their sausages. I put them in. I ate five sausage sandwich. What? but it's just going to waste i think that's why dads get so fat this was health week or whatever last time i suppose this was a week when rob beckett was changing for the better wearing a vest and suddenly a five sausage sandwich i to be fair i did do a lot of exercise last week but also well i did I ate more sausages than I did exercise sessions. It is the kind of thing you'd find out about someone

who does World's Strongest Man, that they eat a five-sausage sandwich. Do you know what I mean? It's kind of one of those mad diets that, like, someone who's trying to build up would eat. I think I've accepted that I'm never going to be lean. I'm just going to have to be an absolute beast, a big power beast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Have you ever listened to that meme of that bloke who's trying to get...

I'm going to stop you there, no. And he just says fish. He basically goes, what do you eat to get healthy? And we try and find it. So how many pieces of bread are you having in your five sausage sandwich? I'm going to add it in a pita. The bread to sausage ratio is absolutely effed there, Rob. Massive.

It's just pure sausage, really. Yeah. Did you have any sauce? Yeah, English mustard and tomato sauce with a bit of cheese on. Bloody hell, Rob. What a dinner. I like the fact you started with English mustard

and I thought, oh, that's fair enough. And then it just carried on. Descended. And jam on top. Listen to this. This is a bloke who's trying to get healthy. Who's unemployed and has plenty of time to train for the Mr Cumbria competition in two weeks' time.

What are you about to cook now? Just my fish for my 12 o'clock meal. I'll have it with a rice cake. In the run-up to any competition, Danny's trainer puts him on a strict diet. Eight o'clock in the morning, I'll have fish and a rice cake. At 10 o'clock, I'll have fish. At 12 o'clock, I'll have fish and a rice cake.

At 2 o'clock, I'll have fish. At 4 o'clock, just before I train, I'll have fish and a rice cake. I'll train. I'll have fish and rice cake i'll train i'll have my fish i'll come home have some more fish with a rice cake and have some fish before i go to bed he's got to be taking the piss this can't be real this can't be real that was 15 years ago now i saw an article about the fish and rice cake guy and he's real sure documentary who is he the sea beast what's going on like that was 15 years ago

now I saw an article about the fish and rice cake guy and he's I think he does cameos where he says happy birthday hope you have some fish fish and a rice cake

that is incredible it's great isn't it yeah so that could be you Rob that could be me how's being fit by 40 looking or whatever it's called not bad actually

I think I think next year's gonna be the year when I'm off tour. When I was in the Parenting in Hell tour, but it's only about six dates. I'm going to be off tour, because I realise I've spent about four months of the year in hotels. Yeah, it's impossible. It's so difficult.

So I'm trying my best. I'm trying to think of what else happened last week. Well, because they were away in centre-parts, I was at home a lot, on my own. I know. I went on Lou's Instagram. Yeah. At Lou underscore M.

She's on 60K now, Josh. She's going to be an influencer. But it was like your daughter's doing like go A. Oh, yeah. They did clip and climb stuff. They did jet skis. They did all sorts. And I was like, Rob didn't tell me he was at Centre Parcs.

And then I was like, wait an effing minute. He's not. He's at home. This is all going on without him. Absolutely. What a winner. And then I go on Instagram and it's you and Romesh

in a fucking car smiling away. A day after you've already just recorded a podcast with me and Romesh. You've had the week from heaven, mate. Well, this is the problem.

Talk to me about your sleep. Well, no, this is the problem. There's a dog in the house, isn't there? Oh, God. Lou normally does the dog stuff. So I'm up at seven

with a dog. You're up at seven with a dog? Your kid sleeps in longer than the dog. And he's a teenager, right? So he's at his teenager stage as of a dog,

which means he's a complete prick. Oh, mate. So they kick off like, you know, humans. They go through an adolescence and the regression. So this dog started refusing to go into his bed at night. Oh, my God. So I let him out, and then he started running around,

howling at the foxes. Then he started chewing the door, and then he pissed on the floor. Oh, my God. Because he won't piss in his bed. So I've got a little crater I put him in and he goes in there at night time,

sleeps in there. They'll let him out for a wee in the morning. He's been howling all night because he's all confused because Lou and the kids ain't here. And also,

I don't give as much attention as the kids. Yeah. I gave him a thumbs up the other night. I don't know why I did it. He just looked at me and I was like,

all right, something, you know, one second just i'm just doing a podcast i'll be out in a minute okay is that the dog no this is my eldest you want to say hello shout hello hello okay right can i finish doing the podcast please you want to give me a hug anything you want to say to the world no right bye okay can you shut the door yeah that's how they shut the door it's a sliding garden door just put your hands on the glass and push it over don't use a handle do your kids do that i don't think we've got a sliding garden door um yeah so the dog so the dog's pissing and it's howling there's no way for us to live rob so i'm getting up at seven eight i was getting up at 7am with the dog.

And then, because Lou was... Because I was filming a lot. So I was getting him up at 7am. I was walking him at half 7am to tire him out. Because I was going out, like, I went out to do some filming. Come back, fed him, out to do some filming and stuff like that. So on Friday, 7.30am, I was getting picked up for filming on Friday. Lou was away with the kids.

I took a dog for a walk at 6am. 6am? I thought I was going to find a dead body. No, that's always dog walkers, isn't it? But 6am on a Friday morning, I'm walking a dog. And Lou comes back and goes, how was the rest away from the kids? I'm like, are you mental?

This dog's a lunatic. Oh God, the youngest is coming now. What's that? You want to say something to the world? This is the younger one. Come here and say something. Come here, quickly. What do you want to say?

Because I've got to finish doing this. What do you want to say to the world? Hello. Okay, right, off you go. Bye now. That couldn't display their personalities more. One just said, no, I don't want to say anything to the world. And the other one said, I do.

Off you go and shut the door, please. Thank you. I'll see you in a minute. We'll go to the cinema. All right. Okay. There we go. Sorry about that, Josh.

That's all right. Because when I saw Lou's Instagram, I thought Rob is having the week of his life here. I thought I was going to. And I was all ready to tell you how amazing my week was. But actually, it was a... It was just you and the dog. The problem with the dog is... Turn on Hooch. my week was. But actually, it was... It was just you and the dog like turning hooch. The problem with the dog is, the dog... And I understand how dog owners feel, right?

Is that they are toddlers forever. Rob, you've just said, I understand how dog owners feel. You're a dog owner. I'm not. I'm a man of a dog. It's different. I'm not a dog dad. I'm a bloke of a dog. Lou owns the dog. I just live with it.

Yeah? We're just in the same house. How much do you think you've bonded with the dog, realistically? I don't know. I mean, maybe it's because deep down I'm a narcissist. That's what I do, isn't it? That's our job. So you have to be slightly mental.

I think I've got the same issue with the cats. Like, I like them. I like the dog. I love having the same issue with the cats. Like, I like them. I like the dog. I love having the dog. Yeah, but Rose's relationship with the cats, every morning I wake up and the cat, the cat comes in. So Rose is asleep on her front

and the cat is asleep on Rose's back. Like it's pinning her down. I would go mental if there was a cat or dog on my back Get off Get out And I love having a dog He's great I need

He's a family dog When they went I was like If I lived on my own I wouldn't have a dog Also it makes you Sat in a house On your own

I love that That's the first reaction They leave the house The door closes And the first thing you They leave the house, the door closes, and the first thing you think is, I wish I didn't have this dog. I didn't realise that. Like, Lou loves the dog.

The girls love... They are, like, curling up with it on the sofa. Hello, how are you? Oh, I'm giving him all the... You know, I rub his head and that, but that's about it. I take him for a walk, I rub his head and feed him. But beyond that, am I bad?

I can't... No, no, you just... I think there's always... I'm just a casual dog owner. But the cliche is that one of the people in the family wants to get the dog, and then the other people in the family... No, there's another person in the family that doesn't really want the dog. When the dog arrives, actually they fall in love with the dog.

No, I'm very much very much hasn't happened if this day if this dog was brexit i wouldn't have changed my mind do you know me i'll leave it but i thought i was gonna be that dad that turned into but you know what i think i would if i wasn't so busy but like when you're rushing around doing something there's just a dog looking at you and they just look at you they've got them little sad eyes i'm like what do you want me to do yeah um but anyway but yeah that's what so i'm not you know i've not been looking after my kids but i've not been sleeping yeah well that's the main and he keeps barking because he's like wants attention i don't think i'm giving him enough attention in the day because normally there's always someone in the house normally and i've and i've sort of it's the first time he's sort of been like a so what does he do when you're out

what's he done he's just trapped he chewed the door he chewed the door he's not in his cage as he's no no no so when uh when i go out i don't i only put him in the cage at night time so we just because he's quite it's a bit he sleeps he doesn't sleep on your back he doesn't sleep on my back but no when i go out for like a couple of hours he's in the house running around and then i've got the garden i let him in the garden and stuff but he um yeah it's just he's just he just i can't give him what he needs do you know what i mean you sound like you're on the real housewives of beverly hills or something like don't beat yourself up about it rob your relationship just doesn't really work with the dog no i can't believe i thumbs him up as well what was that i was just like all right i've

just felt a bit awkward like i felt I felt a bit like, you know, when you start seeing someone and then you go around their house and you have to talk to what could be your potential brother-in-law. Yeah, right. And you've got nothing in common. You're like, you're all right.

You just sort of, ah. Yeah. And then I was like, you know, but normally you get drunk, but I thought, I can't get pissed at my own house, so I feel more comfortable next to my dog. Imagine if you got pissed to break the ice with the dog before you do it

you were kind of rolling around with it on the sofa hammered get really drunk start getting off of each other but we never tell our wives

Lou comes back and she's like you're getting on much better with a dog what happened we can't imply he's eating so it meant i think he's eating his own shit he's eating something out here oh and there's dog poo everywhere as well i'll try and get it in a minute but the girls are playing fucking hell lou's got blue still recovering from

appendix so she can't pick up the dog shit which I think is a lie because she picked up that parcel like no one's business last week it's like a minefield out there that garden feel like Diana walking through it

right are you still there? yeah I just enjoyed that analogy oh my god it is a weird life we lead, isn't it, Rob? Like, when you look at it from the outside. What have you got planned for the summer for the kids before they go to...

I know she's in nursery a bit, but are you doing anything? No, because we've done our holidays outside of summer holiday because we wanted to take advantage. But you've got any day trips planned, things, weekends? You go into Legoland or to the seaside? I'm going to my grandad's hundredth. Yeah, your grandad's hundredth. We know about that.

We have no things planned because we've fucking been doing them all the time. We went to Whitstable, we went to Cornwall, we went to Greece, we went to that place with the wolves whatever that was called like oh longley no um no the place where you put limp yeah oh yeah you've done quite a lot actually yeah

so we've kind of top loaded our year yeah you know what i mean so now you're just grinding it out till now we're just grinding it out yeah just just desperately scrabbling towards christmas in between you having meltdowns about her starting school has she mentioned school Just grinding it out, yeah. Just desperately scrabbling towards Christmas. In between you having meltdowns about her starting school. Has she mentioned school? No, she's definitely... You know when people go, they're ready. Do you know what I mean? She's not as into nursery as she was.

No, they get a bit bored. She's interested in learning to read and all this. You know, you're like, she's definitely ready. What, she can't read yet? Well, she's going in not being able to read have you checked with the other parents about their kids no because i don't know any of them rob as i joined up writing well um yeah yeah i'm not i know i know you are but it's working the problem is it's working

I've just looked at the calendar she's starting on the same day that my son starts in the nursery that is going to be an intense whole day oh that is what are you going to do there are you going to divide and conquer I suppose we'll drop him off first

or her off first no I think we'll do both at the same time. No, no, no, because he can go in late. I think she needs to be the priority. Yeah. Because if he starts, even if he goes in the second day, you might be easier just to go, I tell you what, well, no, because if you want him to start with the other kids,

but he might be too young to care. Oh, he's too young to care. But she needs to be the priority, I think. Oh, yeah, she's the priority. Oh, God. Oh, God. I just didn But she needs to be the priority, I think. Oh, yeah, she's the priority. Oh, God. Oh, God. I just didn't think this day would come. But you've still got five weeks.

You're going to be so worked up by then. You've just got to forget about it till then. There's nothing to do talking about it now, is there, really? No, I know, but we haven't got much content this week, Rob, so I thought I might as well bring it up. But it's what's been... You could maybe work on her reading and writing so she's not behind when she starts, but that's up to you.

That's how you prioritise your time. You know what I mean? That's not me. Do you know what? Do you know what, Rob? Yeah. I, er... We've, er...

I don't know. It's fine. It's fine. It'll be fine. Go on. I just... I know... When they leave nursery, Rob...

Yeah. They do... They've got, like, they've got, like, a miniature graduation gown. Oh leave nursery, Rob. Yeah. They do, they've got like a miniature graduation gown. Oh, that's cute. Yeah. And I saw a kid in it once about three years ago.

And I thought, that day will never come. And it's going to come. And you're going to see it. I'm not going to be able to deal with it, Rob. Something else you do, this is not winding you up now. It's something you do need to be. It's a good like little tip there will be

children at your kids school that their parents are quite intense and they will be able to read at a high level

and yeah but they won't be happy and their handwriting will probably be better than yours and you'll oh it'll be better than mine alright and you'll

and you'll you'll hear your daughter talk about it and you'll see it and you'll freak out because you'll be like, oh my God, my daughter, I can't do this. But basically,

the first year of school is everyone getting to the same level, catching up. So don't stress about that. I've met some of those parents. Don't worry about that at all. You bet, then.

You've seen the video of the school. There's some pretty laid-back parents going on. They've got some... There's boys with long hair. It's a crazy time. There's boys with long hair, Rob.

It's the fucking 60s in this school. Not in like the way that they don't hit them or anything. Oh God. But right, I don't know if there's

anything else to, to inform you on. Rob, I've got so, I'm just trying to think. My life is of so little consequence at the moment. Like I'm just existing. It's no use now. You're're existing from time to moment to moment

so rob on this weekend thing what i want to know what you'd do in this situation i've got last leg every friday finishing you know at the earliest i can leave is 11 15 but then i've got the adrenaline of a live tv show yeah so even if you get home you're still going to be awake so you're not really getting home. Well, you could get home at half twelve, but maybe you're not getting into half twelve one, really, back home. Yeah. It just means every weekend starts fucked.

Do you know what I mean? Yes. What do I do? Would you go straight home after every last leg? What would your tactic be? My tactic would be to make sure i don't do any work at weekends saturdays sundays and i would what i'd maybe do is potentially try and get mondays off so that you have a longer weekend and you work quite intently from tuesday through to

friday yeah and then rob question what have you just done to my diary for the next two years to be fair what i have we have requested that we record this on a monday and it's gone in a couple hours in the morning what about this is what i'd do is i'd do this on a monday morning record this on monday morning and we've booked that out for nearly two years but let's not get bogged down by that and then maybe take your daughter out nursery on the afternoons and go and do something nice on an afternoon with that's my break rob i'm just a whole weekend of childcare. You're taking Dora out of nursery? Yeah, but you're supposed to enjoy your time

with your kid, Josh. I do. You don't. I do. I just need a moment on my own. Just a moment. Okay, well, take the afternoon for yourself, then. Oh, but then I feel guilty, Rob.

Oh, no. Shouldn't be spending time with my daughter. And then when you're with her, you sit there, I shouldn't be doing this, I'm exhausted. Yeah. I'm going to get through it. It'll be fine. I think you need to find activities you do with your kids

that you find relaxing. Now, this is serious. I'm genuinely... Oh, yeah, yeah, no, I do... No, but what I'm saying is, like, you've never taken them to the cinema. Rob. of your kids that you find relaxing now this is serious i'm genuinely you know i do no but no but what i'm saying is like you've never taken them to the cinema that is an hour's kip i know but she doesn't want to go to the cinema for some reason you know she's never been no she turned it she keeps turning it down yeah but she's never been so you take her and then if she doesn't like

it leave but at least try i have tried rob she didn't want to go all the stuff i do with my daughter is incredibly relaxing okay fair enough art love it okay badge making i've got a badge making kit rob and i'll be honest with you i'm fucking good at making if you want a badge and you can make your own yeah i can knock you one up in less than a minute really yeah okay i'm i'm incredible at crafts that's your niche is it yeah i love it all of that but it's when it's two-on-one rob two-on-one is insane at this age that's the problem i've got when i'm one-on-one with either of them i'm having a great time when it's two-on-one or even two-on-two because they're the wrong age is there you can't do the same thing.

So I said that I'll take them to cinema, but I can do that because they're four and six. They'll both sit there and watch. What am I going to do? What are you going to do with the 14-month? You can't take them in. It's such a difficult age, these two ages together,

because also you're going, I'm missing out on this really like like my daughter's so fun to hang out with but you're just like oh yeah you just watch tv for a bit because i've got to just chase them around the kitchen if it's just a three-year-old it's so difficult well how about this and we made the tips of any any tips of things you can do with an older child and a younger one because there's a park so we go to the park but even then you're rushing between two sets of swings exactly there's just no like you've just got to hovel with your hands over the 14 month old while the other ones just

exactly and you just feel like you're a bad dad to the older ones you know what i mean i know i know you haven't got an option but she'll be like can you come and do this and you're like no because he's climbing the stairs and i'm hunched over behind him to make sure he doesn't fall over. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, dear. Anyway, sorry. It's okay.

Don't be sorry. It's just a very, very difficult age. When does it get easier? Could you put a date on it so I can pop it in my diary? But genuinely for when the youngest is four. For fuck's sake. So when's that? He was born May 2021.

So May 2025. Jeez Louise. May 2025. How? What? No. After the next Euros. Yeah, between the Euros and the World Cup.

We're going to have a World Cup and then a Euros, an election, an American election. When's the Olympics? An Olympics, a Paralympics, and then it'll be easy straight. No, it's still tough, to be fair. It's still as difficult, but you're just not hunched over. No, it's still tough, to be fair. It's still as difficult, but you're just not hunched over.

You'll be all right, mate. Wicked. All right, then. Should we... We're going to do some... Do you want a quick bit of correspondence, or should we save it all for next week? Save it all for next week. We'll do a correspondence special.

Yeah, we're going to do a big correspondence special next week, people, because we've been really lax on that for a number of different reasons. Let's do some small business shout-outs, though. Oh outs though oh god yeah i've got a good one here um this one is for this is a mini arcade systems yeah it's a mini arcade systems.com and basically what they are go on instagram as well their instagram is great he builds hand builds it's like a little company in ireland and he builds retro gaming machines. Yeah.

So it's really good because it's sort of all the old games you might have played if you're a bit older. Oh, that's good. It's quite a good birthday present. But so he does different levels. You can get like, if you're being fancy, he does a mad big one that you'd see in a pub for about three grand. But also what he does is these ones are about 300 quid and they're like little joysticks and buttons

that you can plug into your telly. And it has 1,300 old school games. Oh my word. And you can play it and it's really good for kids and stuff. So it's quite fun for your kids to play together, not online or on an app or on an iPad and loads of old games

and a few new ones and stuff like that. So yeah, he's got loads of great stuff. That is good. So yeah, it's a small business in ireland i must i'm full disclosure i did buy one of these uh systems ages ago um and they're really good but we'll do this one and we'll finish up this is from sally okay i'm right because i listened to your previous episode with josh pew and found it very relatable i have multiple sclerosis and i'm partially sighted i have two two daughters. Parenting with a disability can,

I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear, feel very isolating. For this reason, I set up an online network shortly after the birth of my youngest, now six, called Mums Like Us, a network for disabled mothers. It can be found on Facebook where over 1,000 disabled mums provide incredible community

and support for each other. It's also on Instagram, at Mums Like like us i'm sure if you're a dad they could let you in as well i'm sure it's not just women um and mums uh it's not technically a small business but a shout out would be appreciated much love sally so that's mums like us also as well if you are a parent with a disability listen to the alex brooker episode that's really good about how he um parents and how his disability affects that so yeah i'm glad we could help and good luck with the businesses see you later bye