Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP7: A Helicopter Ride With The Bishop

Episode Date: August 9, 2022

S05 EP7: A Helicopter Ride With The Bishop More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh...Please rate and leave a review Thanks Rob + Josh (and Michael) If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellMAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] NEWS.... we're writing a book! ⭐ All the stories we can’t tell on the podcast – in depth.⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents)⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them... [e-mail]'s it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)?And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick?Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike.Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here: https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBookIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellMAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC cashback mastercard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will. Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card, and he's done it. Oh, clicky click, magic trick.

The click heard around the room. You guys just about finished. Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight worthy with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Okay, baby, can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe.

And Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. Good girl. She's a barrel of laughs. She's full of beans. There, this is two-year-old Fionn's effort at an intro. Apologies for the background noise. She was obviously rustling a Greggs bag.

I couldn't even hear it. Thanks for keeping it real and sexy. Nia and Fionn Miller-Jones, St Albans. Ooh, St Albans. Fionn's a nice name, isn't it? Fionn, is it Irish? Don't know. William Hague's wife was called Fionn. ThatJones, St Albans. Ooh, St Albans, very nice. Fionn's a nice name, isn't it? Fionn, is it Irish? Don't know. William Hague's wife was called Fionn.

That's all I've got. How do you know that? Fionn, I don't know, because it's the kind of thing I know. William Hague's wife? When he was leader of the Tory party. Well, he still is, I imagine. His wife, I don't know if they're still together. Oh, Fionn's two Fs.

For Fionn. Yeah, for Fionn. Fionn, okay. Yeah, I think he's still married to William Hague, yeah. Oh, there we go. There we go. He's a keeper. Yeah, yeah.

She went to Oxford. We should mention, Rob, the incredible news that we haven't mentioned. What's that? That we have a listener in... Oh, Pine Bluff. Pine Bluff. Yes, we haven't mentioned that. We mentioned Pine Bluff. We had one person that listened to this show in Pine Bluff. Pine Bluff? Yes, we haven't mentioned that. We mentioned Pine Bluff.

We had one person that listened to this show in Pine Bluff. Arkansas. The worst place in Arkansas. Yeah, it's one of the most dangerous cities in America. And we had, can you read out the message of the person that listened? Yes, this is from Samantha Evans. Re-Arkansas, I listened once whilst visiting a friend in Pine Bluff. There we go. that is the person

i'm british and lived in san francisco wow there's a british population in arkansas as walmart is based there which bought asda so they brought british people over to sort out their online grocery side there you go imagine that you got you work at asda right you're an asda head office in the uk probably something like tamworth somewhere midland z nothing wrong with tamworth you go walmart of bull asda i'm moving to the american head office where are you going pine bluff oh absolutely pine bluff everyone in the little town you grew up in oh my god have you heard they're moving to america their job at asda yeah and then you're like yeah it's great pretending great. Pretending you're living in New York. Sending stock photos of Manhattan.

But you're in Pine Bluff. I'm in Pine Bluff. Asda's based in Leeds, Rob. Oh, is it? Yeah, which is a nice place to live as well, Leeds. Leeds is great. I like Leeds. I like York as well.

I'd go York over Leeds, personally. Oh, York for me is my, I'd say my favourite city in the UK. It's up there, isn't it? Oh, it's beautiful. But it's no say my favourite city in the UK. It's up there, isn't it? Oh, it's beautiful. But no, it's no Pine Bluff though. No. In Arkansas. Right, I've got, this is the correspondent special and we have got, I've been going through it, Josh.

I've consolidated, I say I, Michael and someone that's probably helped Michael, has consolidated these thousands of emails into. Hit me. Right, okay. I'm going to start off with something big. Okay. Okay. I laugh so much i wrote off my car what my name's lydia richard hammond oh sorry um

all right my name's lydia and my brother introduced me to the podcast and this is the only time i'll admit he was right it's epic anyway i Anyway, I work in a busy A&E department, which is a commute of one hour, 30 minutes away. So a perfect time to listen to episodes. On my way home from work, I was listening to the episode in series one with Jen Brister and laughed so much, I clipped my tire, which sent my car veering down the road and ended up in a tree in a ditch.

Oh my God. Writing my car off, breaking my wrist, splitting my knee. She was up in her own A&E department. And injuring my shoulder. Probably not, it's miles away. my car off, breaking my wrist, splitting my knee, and injuring my shoulder. Probably not, it's miles away. No one else was injured and I'm okay now after a few

months off. Just thought it was a huge win. Huge win for the podcast. Huge win for the podcast? We almost killed you! Any other comedic rounders can say that almost caused someone to laugh themselves dead. You guys are epic. I have three kids and you are nailing it every episode. Thank you. Keep going, please, Lydia.

Yeah, apologies for that. And yes, you must be... From my speed awareness course, you must concentrate on the road at all times unless you're looking left and right to see if it's a 20. What's the rules on hilarious podcasts in the speed awareness course? Yeah, I didn't feel comfortable asking that. Yeah. Hi, guys.

I present a highly relatable podcast. I'm just wondering, should you be listening to podcasts or not? Yeah. But that's Lydia. Well, I hope you feel better, Lydia. I'm sorry about that, but also... Stick to off-menu when you're driving.

When you're driving and you don't want to laugh, stick to off-menu. You'll be fine. Just sort of shout poppadoms every 20 minutes or whatever it is they do are they still going you're that bloody uh that bloody elton john on the guy the guy that played elton john tyron egerton oh is that what we're doing now people that played someone i can't michael sheen i can't believe we're baron clough on i reckon we get michael sheen on again we'll have to we'll do cluffy blair and uh frost or n. Don't know who he was. Yeah, he was Frost. He was Frost.

That's good because I'm interviewing people from beyond the grave. Right, here we go. Now, what do you want, Josh? I'm going to give you some choice. We've got some parenting fails. We've got some boomer stories. People we didn't realise were not real. Let's go. Let's start with boomer stories because they're classics, aren't they?

Okay. Oh, before we do boomer, I've got this about... Give me the fucking choice and then you take it away from me. Okay, no, but it was another choice. Someone who said they heard the podcast in a taxi. Oh, okay, yeah. This is quite good. And then we'll do Boomer.

Just heard you guys talking about how cab drivers don't listen to podcasts and particularly not Parenting Hell. Untrue. I got into an Uber the other day and a driver was listening to your pod. At first I was irritated because I wanted silence, but I found myself laughing out loud pretty soon that was only five days ago and i've since listened to about 15 of your podcasts i love them and often roaring with laughter as i'm cleaning the house

cooking or walking the dog i always knew i didn't want kids and now i'm even more sure of that wow that's from charlie we've done our job for overpopulation um we are i think we should start investing in condoms yeah maybe we should we're driving the Wow. That's from Charlie. We've done our job for overpopulation. I know. We are. I think we should start investing in condoms. Yeah, maybe we should. We're driving the condom industry hard. Well done, Charlie. And thank you to the Uber driver there.

Yeah. Hope you tipped him. Do you want some Boomer? Yeah. Do you rate Ubers? I forget to rate. Oh, I thought you meant as a company. How did you rate Uber?

I've not been in Uber. They can't get them. Oh, mate. They're nowhere. They used to be everywhere. I know. And this might be a bit London-centric. The fucking Uber and cab shortage is doing my head in.

Because they all quit during lockdown, Rob. Yeah, I know. So there's not enough Ubers. There's not enough black cab drivers either. Because all the old ones quit. I ordered a black cab the other day. It was 13 minutes away. 13 minutes.

Now you've gone quite London. I looked at the map. It was basically, it was about four miles away. I was like, it's not worth your, I wanted to text him and go, mate, don't come and get me.

The journey is less than it's going to take you to get to me. But that is quite London-y, but also we are used to in London. Two minutes max. Yeah, exactly. If something's not two minutes away now, I am fuming. I'm a terrible human being.

I've been spoiled. You get to the bus stop, four minutes, you're like, are you effing kidding me? Four minutes? What am I going to do? Listen to a song?

Like... Just put one song on. One song. But by the time you found something, the bus is there. Yeah, exactly. I know. I've just become so impatient

because I went through a period of my life where if I ordered an Uber, it was never more than a minute away. It was mental. There was a point in London where if you walked out onto the street, about five black cabs would go past. Yeah. i feel like an old person talking about the old days but the old days were 2019 yeah pre-covid old days um right we got some boomers here we got some boomer stuff right triggered by a boomer story in last week's episode i felt compelled to message

now the flashbacks have eased i studied standard grade scottish equivalent of gcse history at high school one of the modules was the two world wars and there were two standard grade classes next door to each other and part way through a lesson the other teacher came into our class he was uncharacteristically somber had a few quiet words with our teacher then left our teacher then relayed the message that our country was at war what bear in mind this would have been 98 99 so not long after the gulf war had ended we were told our dads had already been called up and wouldn't be there when we got home we were 14 we all started crying and screaming and generally inconsolable even after the teachers explained it was a setup to experience what it would have been like for

our grandparents when war broke out in 1939. Oh, my God. Cue many parent complaints and the teachers never repeating the stunt again. That is incredible. That is sick, isn't it? But I kind of admire it. You don't need to experience it to learn about it. If you're studying to become a doctor,

you don't take your own appendix out to know what the recovery time is. No, no, exactly. You don't have to experience it to learn about it. I understand that war is bad. Yeah. I'm going to say it. I understand it must have been horrific.

Yeah, yeah. But I don't need to sleep in a tube station overnight to know what it was like during the Blitz. Yeah. Well, you know, if you're a judge in the courtroom, you don't need to be punched in the face to know what ABH is. No, exactly. I thought it would be good yeah the judge it'd be a terrible job being a judge wouldn't it what you got on this week yeah burglary they've just done me out so i know i know now

the i think the sentences would go up higher and higher particularly as the day went on and the judge got more and more pissed off yeah he's having a terrible a terrible week. I had two burglaries, two assaults. It's a nightmare. Here come the carrots making their way upfield. Followed by the whole wheat bread. Over to the two dozen eggs. Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO

Toronto FC cashback master card. Oh, and the broccoli boots it over the line. What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please. Make every purchase a win with the BMO Toronto FC cashback mastercard

with up to 5% cashback on your purchases in your first three months. Terms and conditions apply. Here's another boom of parenting story. For my fourth birthday, I got three goldfish as a gift and loved them.

One night, my dad sat me and my little sister down to watch a trick. He proceeded to grab one of the fish out of the tank in front of us. Oh, no. And eat it. We were hysterical. My parents laughed their heads off as it turned out my mother had carved a goldfish out of a carrot and floated it in the tank for a dad to trick us with. Yeah.

He had to count out the Romanian fish dozens of times to persuade us he hadn't really murdered one he blamed my mother who to this day maintains it was funny I will never forgive her would you fit would you eat a fish for banter uh I wouldn't what like carrot fish carrot fish uh it's not my kind of humor but i can i can see how you think that would go well do you know what i mean it is a funny joke there's no denying it is a funny trick yeah it's a funny trick on the as i knew on the audience um yeah so like for example if you had that goldfish and your mate came around for a coffee, you made him a coffee and you went, are you hungry? And then you pick up the carrot fish and eat it.

Yeah, exactly. In front of him and then carry on making the coffee and tea while they're just like, what has gone on? I think that's funny. But harrowingly thinking that your parents have eaten your fish, that's horrible. I don't know why the mum is never going to be forgiven. It feels a bit unfair. She carved the carrot and it was, well and he's saying it was her idea.

Yeah, but she didn't perform the trick. That's like not forgiving Debbie McGee for something Paul Daniels did. Do you know what I mean? I think the dad's as liable as the mummy. He's eaten the fucking carrot fish. Imagine if he picked up the wrong fish by mistake. I've got more parenting fails here.

This is more just not very good at parenting rather than Boomer. I thought I'd share my parenting fail this week my three-year-old likes to collect treasure shiny stuff when we're out and about he slips it in the bottom of the buggy unbeknown to me he'd found a vape turned out it worked he didn't did he came out to the garden to see plumes of smoke coming out as he sucked on the vape how would he work how to do He didn't, did he? How would he work? How to do it? Didn't even ask for anonymous there.

Doesn't give a shit, has it? Couldn't give a shit. Yeah, he was on the vape at the back. Don't worry about it. Oh, my God. That is incredible. I've got a good birthing story here, Josh. Oh, no.

This one's from Amy and Tom. It was November 2021 during lockdown, and we opted for a home birth. We had a little pool set up in the living room and our eldest was napping upstairs. These are brave people. The midwives hadn't arrived yet and I needed a hot water top up in the pool. We'd run out of hot water.

So in a panic, Tom hurtled past me with a bucket to go and ask the neighbours for water. You'd just do the kettle, wouldn't you? Yeah, of course. Anyway, he's not done that. Tom's next door anyway at that moment i felt the head coming oh my god so at the moment she's in a birthing pool on her own downstairs it's lukewarm lukewarm's not the main issue yeah anyway so the baby there's a toddler upstairs sleeping her husband's next door anyway the head was coming out and he made it back with the hot water

as I gave birth to the baby. No midwives. Oh, my word. It was pretty special just being there, the two of us. I stood up in the pool with the umbilical cord that was really short, so I was all hunched over. I lifted the baby's bum up as much as I could. And I asked Tom, what do we have? He looked, tilted his head, squinted a little bit and said, it's a boy.

About 15 minutes later, the midwives arrived. Oh, my word. That 15 minutes would be so stressful, wouldn't it? Oh, my God. Compare that to a four-minute wait for a bus. You know when you see those news stories where, like, someone's had to deliver a baby in a lift that's broken or something? Yeah.

And you just go, I haven't got that in me. I just haven't. You're not a Cobra, are you? I simply couldn't step up to the plate in that situation. I don't think I could either. Anything that's a surgery, gory or involving the body, I just can't, I can't watch operations when they sort of cut open.

I mean, obviously you have to, I wouldn't just like go for a walk and go sort it out. If I was stuck in that lift, Rob, I'd face in the corner

like at the end of Blair Witch Project. And then just let Rose get off of it. Like an NPC in a computer game where they just sort of keep walking,

not engaging with the world. Yeah. Just like rose pushing and you just facing the wall i can't deal with this i can't deal with this oh i'd really i'd really struggle i hated the birthing anyway so he said we've got a little boy 15 minutes later the midwives arrived me and the newly named walter that's a good name for the boy in it walter walter w-a-l-T-E-R. Yeah, that's good. He was running for Walter. What a story. Brilliant.

Yeah. So with the newly named Walter, we're still in the pool having some skin to skin. The midwives were chatting to Tom about the fact we'd done an unassisted home birth. They started filing the paperwork and saying how well we'd done and how impressed they were with what we managed to deal with. Walter's middle name would be Jack after my brother. By this time, I was getting pretty uncomfortable, so I clambered out of the pool and waddled over to the sofa, baby and umbilical cord still attached. Right? They didn't even cut it off at this point. Our eldest woke up from his nap and came down to meet his baby brother. God, this all sounds

quite, like, magical, this. It must have been awful. All I keep thinking about is the dirty sofa. Do you need to put some clothes on? What? No, but you can't. It's not a quick clean, is it? That big pool of red water, like chum in Jaws. Oh, wow, yeah. Sorry.

How do you empty the pool? Is he just doing bucket runs to the garden at this point, the dad? I don't know. Or is there some kind of water ho water hoover like is there some way of getting the water out because it's not just water it's in the house so it's not like in the in the garden you've got a swimming pool in the sitting room and you've got to try and get the water out bucket runs but then there's gonna be stuff in the water oh god imagine just like bucket runs in the garden and then there's just like all the foxes in about a 15 mile radius turn up the smelly water in the garden you've got to do the might as well do the plants might as well do the plants if we've got this much water oh dear oh anyway so yeah i don't if you have done a home birth let us know what you do with the water and you get it out i'll be honest if I'm in charge it's three days until I get round to it

do you know what I mean imagine that just sat in the sitting room no telly on no telly on telly's still broke big pool of water yeah

anyway this isn't even the end of the story Josh this is so she's got clambered out got on the sofa umbilical cord still attached our eldest woke up his nap

came down to meet his baby brother I lifted water up to see him in his squishy newborn glory and realised, Tom, it's a girl. What? Walter was in fact Grace.

Tom had got it wrong. What? When the baby came out, the dad looked and he got it wrong. And in Tom's words, I'm sorry, but I've never seen a puffy newborn vagina before. Oh, my word. I thought it was a little pair of balls. Oh, my God.

That is something else. So they managed to do the whole of the birth, but for the sex identification. You'd never seen a puffy puffy um yeah i mean yeah if you yeah that would be a worry wouldn't it okay i see what we've got here no worries um yeah so um they had a little girl called grace and not called water anymore it's a good story isn't it oh it's a good story um what else you got jemma and milton keynes i have a story about the weirdest thing

that you've been called in school about. When my daughter was in nursery, I went to collect her and it had become a long incident form as she had bitten someone. They wouldn't tell me who she had bitten, but after seeing the teeth marks on her arm, I realised she had bitten herself.

What? That can't be right. She had an incident form for biting and being bitten, both with her name on it. No. That can't be true. That's incredible. There's policy for a reason, Josh. Yeah, of course.

But that's Gemma Milton Keynes. Absolute red tape nightmare that is incredible imagine filling out that full bloody bureaucracy gone mad all i wanted to do was look after children now i'm doing this have you have you had the biting oh like i i have when we went in and my daughter had been bitten yeah i almost punched the air because i was so pleased that she wasn't the biter do you know what i mean yeah because they're like we've got something to tell you oh no she's been bitten you're like thank god for that i don't the biter. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Because they're like, we've got something to tell you. You're like, oh, no. She's been bitten.

You're like, thank God for that. I don't, I've don't, yeah, no, she's not a, I've been bitten, but I don't think I've ever bitten. But not, only once or twice it wasn't. But the good thing is, what's quite exciting when they don't tell you who the biter is, is you can just decide it's the kid you like the least. Do you know what I mean?

But you always know. I think you get a feeling. Yeah. Someone's a biter. Luis Suarez. Imagine Luis Suarez at nursery. Oh, my God. It comes out a big folder of incident forms.

These are people or things you didn't know were real or fake. We asked for these before, after I didn't know that Engelbert Humperdinck was real. On the subject of people you didn't think were real, like Engelbert Humperdinck, I. On the subject of people who didn't think were real like Inglebert Humperdinck, I had the reverse. During the 2016 World Cup, I thought there was a player for England called Seb Pieces.

No. Talk about Seb Pieces. They thought there was a player called Seb Pieces. They were talking about Seb Pieces. This is technically someone I didn't think existed but it's a word for years i thought gun point was a place so i thought when anything's whenever something involving someone having a gun held to their head as it was always at gunpoint maybe it was somewhere in london safe sales baffled when a friend broke the news to me i've got some great um things people have

won josh oh yeah there you go this is good things people have won, Josh. Oh, yeah. There you go. This is good. Things you've won as kids. Just listen to the latest podcast. We asked if anyone had won anything as a child. I once won a one-minute round of Woolworths in Teganmouth, Devin. Where?

Teganmouth. T-E-I-G. Tynmouth. Tynmouth. Teganmouth? I saw a G and really bounced off it. Tegan-G Tynmouth Tynmouth Tegan Mouth I saw a G and really bounced off it Tegan Mouth Tynmouth

that's where news are from okay sounds good except you can only have one of each item so I don't think this person did very well so they got to run around

the Tynmouth Woolworths yeah Tynmouth Woolworths in a minute what would you go for well you'd go to the CDs and DVD I suppose it might have been VHS's and those well that's exactly where this guy went Yeah, Tim Laforma and a minute. What would you go for? Well, you'd go to the CDs and DVDs.

I suppose it might have been VHSs in those days. Well, that's exactly where this guy went. Because if you're only allowed one of each item, the pick and mix is a fucking write-off. Well, but also that one long snake. But could you have more than one VHS? I mentioned it's like one VHS because if you went to the VHS section. I've got Nick Hancock's Football Nightmares and I've also got Speed.

That would count as the same. Because that one's good except you can only have one of each item. So I end up with a VHS of Michael Jackson's Thriller, a Paul Simon cassette and a Castle Lego set. Not a bad haul. What, three things in a minute? Yeah, I think that's not very good. I'd argue that you should have different VHSs.

Yeah, I think so, yeah. I'd just hammer the VHSs, how many I could get in a basket in a minute. Yeah anyway so you got the vhs paul simon cassette and a castle lego set also done pretty well for themselves though his friend at school was dick and hairs who won nightmare yes i remember this happening rob this kid would have gone to talkie boys grammar school because it was a big rumor at my uh school uh which was you really hated the grammar school obviously yeah yeah of course yeah fucking wankers but yeah dick and hares one nightmare he was called dick and hares dick and hares it can't have been called dick

so this kid who yeah would have been a talkie boys nightmare did you win in nightmare I don't know it's so rare that a kid would win nightmare I'm sure I've mentioned this on something before because someone didn't you write it in your book

yeah but I've mentioned it on something because someone I was speaking to yeah you can google it it is true

Dick and Hares I've just googled Dick on Hares and there's a lot of weird stuff to come back yeah yeah don't google that

Dick and Hares was a dungeoneer of Team Six on Series 4, hailing from Torquay. He's arguably one of the most memorable names of any nightmare contestant, too bloody right. He's called Dick on Hairs.

Dick on Hairs. Yeah, anyway, so he won Nightmare and he went in your neck of the woods? Yeah. I've got another 90s one here. You've got a real 90s sort of cult fan base, Josh. They love getting in touch.

Hey, guys, a story about winning things as a kid might interest Josh, seeing as it's 90s-tastic. So when I was about 12 in the mid-90s, I entered a tournament at a local tennis club where I grew up in Seven Oaks, Kent. For some totally random reason, first prize was playing a round of tennis. A round of tennis or a game of tennis? I don't know. With Wolf from Gladiators.

Oh, wow. A game of... Yeah, that is great. And I actually ended up winning and can now boast of having played tennis against Wolf. Oh, wow. It was just a knockabout. Nice guy too.

Not nearly as panto bad guy as the beloved 90s Gladiators. Love the pod. Anonymous. Did you ever meet a Gladiator, Rob've met a gladiator in in adult life yeah i've met gladiator in adult life who yeah so um jet yeah i've met hunter and what what's the other was it called like virgo or something uh i don't know i've met jet and hunter yeah i've told this on other forums but it is one of my most favourite stories. So I'll just quickly tell you this. Yeah.

That my friend, Ben, that Cobra came to their school and he did like an exercise class with them in the morning. Yeah. And he lifted up the teacher above his head. Yeah. All good fun. And then at the end of the class, they all had to write down their name and address. I give it to Cobra. And then a few days later, they got a letter through and they'd all been signed up to natwest current accounts

no isn't that incredible so i remember so i remember signing up to a bank a hsbc bank account when i was 14 i got an hour price voucher for fiverr and i had an account with no money to put in it yeah i've still got the account my. I'm still with my first bank account. That's not okay, is it? My parents didn't even know what I was doing. Did you get one of those pigs in the nappy money box things that people used to give out?

No, I just... I've five at our price voucher and I had all my details and now I've been at that bank for life. Yeah, I'm still with the same bank. It's grooming, isn't it? Who is changing current account banks? Oh, my God. On my to-do list. I can't even fix my TV. It's grooming, isn't it? Who is changing current account banks?

On my to-do list. I can't even fix my TV. Imagine going, do you know what? I'm going to move from that west to Lloyd's. I'm just going to do it. That is an old man pottering, boarding retirement job. You have not got enough going on in your life if you're changing current accounts. I think I got 50 quid for joining my bank. Because I think I was a student. I think I got 50 quid for joining my bank

because I think I was a student. I think I got 50 quid of vouchers or something. You've done me over. I got five quid of our price vouchers. Well, me and all my mates

from school got the same salt code because we signed up to the same bank at 13. So whenever we transfer money, we all know the salt code. It's our own one. There should be

a big documentary exposing this. It is, but it is like get them when they're young because no one's ever going be a big documentary exposing this. It is, but it is like get them when they're young because no one's ever going to bother to change. Yeah.

It's like this, Rob. Get them listening to this podcast. They're never going across to Alistair Campbell. We're part of their fucking, part of their week. Right, here's another good one. Hi, Rob and Josh.

Talking about winning things as kids, my mum once ate our Sony PlayStation. Ate? Yeah, hear us out. Three pastels were doing a competition where if you found a blue one, you won a PlayStation. Oh, no. Oh, no.

My mum asked to have one of our sweets. She hadn't read the packet and said, oh, a blue one. Let's try that. Oh, no. Tastes a bit funny. Oh, no. Oh, no. Well, then we read from the packet and saw she had eaten our chance to have a PlayStation.

Oh, my. I'd never forgive my mum. she had eaten out a chance to have a PlayStation. Oh, my. I'd never forgive my mum. I'd ask to... Can you divorce your parents? It's your thing. I think, like, child stars have done it where you can separate yourself from your parents, can't you? Yeah, I think you can, yeah. Oh, my God, that is heartbreaking.

In a way, she's... I was about to say, if you've done that, let us know. I was like, don't do that, Rob. It's never a good reason. Yeah, Britney Spears, get in touch. Send us your funny stories of why you are not in contact with your parents anymore. Oh, that's heartbreaking, that fruit pastel thing. I know, the PlayStation.

Oh, God. And this is a good one. Do you want to hear about a helicopter ride with a bishop? Why not? I didn't realise it was a 70s sitcom, but why not? You asked about things we want as kids well i want a helicopter ride with the bishop of rippon i won it at high school for design the best that's the kind of thing lord sugar would give

the winning team and the apprentice yeah you're going for a helicopter ride with my friend the bishop of rippon um anyway so he won it for designing the best happy new millennium card. I got picked up at York race course, flew to the Bishop's house, landed in his garden, and picked him up, then flew back to the race course where I was presented with some arts materials. Do you know what? What a day. Do we need the Bishop? Really?

Like, the first half of the journey is easy. My first question is, was there a parent or guardian with you? Because if they're not, it's a very thin line between a trip to a bishop's house and trafficking. If my daughter came to me and said, I'm just going to go for a helicopter ride with the Bishop of Ripon. No offence, Bishop of Ripon. No offence. On face value, I'm just hearing that as well.

Yeah. I wouldn't let my child fly alone to visit a bishop. No, neither would I. No, I definitely wouldn't. I'm not saying there's anything about that. No, there's nothing wrong with it. If you said to me, can I jump in that helicopter on my own to go and visit a bishop,

I'd say no. I'd say the optics are bad. It's a weird price. It is, isn't it? Kids aren't into the Bishop of Ripon. Not anymore. That's not a thing they want. It's all changed these days.

This was in the 90s, so the Bishop of Ripon. I don't even know where Ripon is. Where's Ripon? It's in Yorkshire, I think. Oh, yeah, of course, yeah. Yeah, because they were flying from York racecourses as well. It must have been a quick flight. Straight up, straight down in the Bishop's garden.

I didn't realise the Bishops had such big carbon footprints. They're getting whizzed from racecourse to racecourse. The Bishop of Ripon got a helipad bishop's garden. I didn't realise the bishops had such big carbon footprints. They're getting whizzed from race course to race course. The bishop of Ripon got a helipad in his garden. Like, how's that working out? I don't know. I suppose the bishop of Ripon's got a big old garden, hasn't he? We need to take a closer look at the bishop of Ripon's helicopter rides of children

alongside banks forcing children to join their current account scheme through gladiators bench-pressing teachers. Anyway. Do you want to hear about a life-size teddy cow that was won in Busch Gardens? This is a really fertile era, isn't it? Okay.

I just listened to your podcast where you talk about winning things as kids. My parents took us to Florida when I was eight or nine at Busch Gardens Park. Also, when you email in, if you don't know your age just pick one you don't have to we're not going to investigate this happens a lot when i was seven eight nine or ten like no one's going to pin you down for details yeah um my parents took us to florida when i was eight or

nine at bush gardens i somehow got an incredibly small hoop over a bottle and won a life-size cow um imagine teddy not an actual just cow my dad returned with my siblings to find my mum and i perched on a bench with this massive soft toy and the color drained from his face he told me there was no way we could get it home as it would need its own seat on the plane i had a complete meltdown at the prospect of leaving behind my much beloved moo who over two weeks i'd grown really attached to and now as the youngest i clearly got my own way so the cow had to have his own seat in the hire car to the airport as he was too big for the boots oh my god and was lovingly wrapped for the luggage hold oh no he made it home where he was too big for my shared bedroom.

What? And spent the rest of his days in the loft. Oh, please have a photo of this cow. That would be great. Yeah, I'd love to see a picture of that cow. I used to have an eight-foot teddy that I bought from Costco, yeah, for a laugh. Yeah, and then I ended up giving it to someone. It basically took up too much space.

So my mate was, I think he was an electrician. His brother was having a kid, and for a wind-up, they just moved moved to a flat he took it to give him as a present for the baby i don't know where he is anymore but yeah eight foot tenny mate did i tell you we all got an award at the end of one of our school years and um you know when everyone had to get an award for what they were good at yeah so it'd be like best at you know history best at javelin whatever i just got good egg award for being a generally good egg i think it's almost a bit offensive that it's just like i'm so i was such a non-event that i was just i wasn't even best just one of the eggs it's just one of the good eggs um i've got a good tired parent story a tom from middlesbrough yeah uh love the past got me through homeschooling my two boys three and seven

by myself over lockdown as my wife is a key worker needless to say i don't have much hair left now when my eldest was a baby he was such a bad sleeper he used to wake up about four or five times every night we tried everything including the controversial crying it out method, which was awful and only lasted a few nights. Then we stopped, but nothing would work. My wife was also going through bad postnatal depression, so it was mainly me getting up and sitting with him in the rocking chair most nights. Sometimes when he wouldn't go down, I'd while away the hours baking in the kitchen

until about 1 or 2 a.mam when he would be happily watching me from his higher chair or bouncing chair in the corner of the room. This is horrific. Mostly, I just learnt to sleep sitting up in a chair. Anyway, I'm just bleeped. Was that an aside? I forgot why

he's written in. Anyway, what a big anyway, big anyway guys anyway after a few months about two hours of broken sleep per night i got up early one morning thinking i was going to be productive and save myself a few quid at lunchtime i made some of my favorite beef and horseradish with lettuce sandwiches and popped them on the side in a bag to take to work later after a few hours it was time to go to work so i changed his nappy got him dressed for the day. After a few hours, that's the other thing. I love a throwaway line.

After a few hours. Most people in the morning get up just at the last minute. Someone here is making their sandwiches a few hours before they leave the house. A few hours. After a few hours, it was time to go to work.

He's made his lunch at 4am. After a few hours, it was time to go to work. He's made his lunch at 4am. After a few hours, basically, what parenting is like, parenting is, you know when you have to get, you've got a 7am flight and it was the only one you could get or it was the cheapest option and you wake up at 3am and you have to get to the holiday and you get there and it is lovely and it's beautiful and you should be enjoying yourself but you can't quite do it because you're so, you paralyzingly tired yeah that's parenting that's how it feels

but every day anyway after a few hours it's time to go to work i changed his nappy got him dressed for the day before heading him over to my wife i'm handing him over to my wife and grabbing my bag asani's on the way out. I got to work. I was walking across the car park towards the entrance to the office, feeling pleased with myself that I could have a relax at work, looking forward to my sarnies at lunchtime. When I met a colleague walking in the opposite direction,

we nodded politely and he said, what you got there? While looking down at my sandwich bag, I was happily swinging along. I looked down and to my surprise, I wasn't holding my bag of sarnies. Instead, to my horror, I was holding a nappy bag with a very full shitty nappy in it. We stood there looking at each other, and with a knowing look, I just shrugged and said, oh, I must have picked up the wrong bag.

I was so tired. When it came to lunchtime, I just ate the shit. No, you didn't. No, of course. I was so tired, I went to the sandwich van at lunchtime instead tom from middlesbrough oh man send in keep keep keep going tom sending lots of love brutal isn't it a few hours i woke up made some sandwiches a few hours later i told it off to work okay we've got some other ones do you want to draw another one yeah here we go parent advice this is from laura okay i have a six-year-old and nine-year-old who always compete against each other the other day in full hangover mode i created a competition whereby i

provided them with body cream and i had to take it in turns massaging me so i could be the judge what i had a full body massage. They walked up and down on my back. What, sorry, what? Are you making this whole thing up? No, this is what's happened. What, sorry, start again, Rob. I have a six-year-old and nine-year-old who always compete against each other.

The other day I was in full hangover mode. I created a competition where I provided them with body cream and they had to take it in turns massaging me so I could judge. Right, okay, yeah. Do you think this is okay? I provided them with body cream and that to take it in terms of massaging me so I could judge. Right. Okay. Yeah. Do you think this is okay? Well, no, I'll be honest.

The first time I heard it, I heard so I could be the judge. I thought it was like a role play where they were the judge in a court. No, no, no, no, no. The judge of the massage. Who's the best massager? Who's the best masseuse? Masseuse, yeah. Fuck it now.

Anyway, so they're walking up and down on her back and they were, you know, doing her shoulders, banging her back and quite enjoying beating her up, but also massaging. And it actually felt amazing afterwards, she said here, Laura. Yeah. Now, my feedback to them was that they were both excellent and they were equal and it was a draw. Yeah.

So now they want another go at it to be the victor. What a win. I'm planning a drinking session Friday so I can embrace my hangover massage on Saturdayurday live loving life laura that is good isn't it yeah it is good are they gonna be happy with another draw the problem is so it's like it's the kind of thing where like that has to be limited to your own children on your back you don't really want a full body massage you don't want to have a play date where they've got friends over and it's all it's all massage mummy that's when it starts to veer into the unacceptable yeah exactly if the bishop of ripon was doing that i just think it wouldn't be yes

that wouldn't be okay just sort of just a helicopter flight and that's it no no massaging the bishop today just the usual normal helicopter just a normal talk to him he's too loud is he in his full garb are you looking forward to the millennium have you found the light do you love jesus yes i designed a tea towel for the millennium Do you love Jesus? Yes. I designed a tea towel for the millennium.

Got the dome on it. Right, should we do some small business shout-outs? Yeah. If you've got a picture of yourself in the helicopter, the bishop will rip and we will take it. That'd be absolutely great. Big up the bishop as well. Big up the bish.

Big up the bishop. Okay, right, here we go. Small business shout outs. What have you got, Josh? Anything you want to do? Yeah, why not? My fiance and I absolutely love your podcast. We run a shoe cleaning and restoration business.

My shoes are fucked. Oh, it's in Highport. Yeah, my mum always tells you about that. The shoe restoration company based in Hartlepool. You can view all work on our Facebook and Instagram pages at the underscore shoe underscore restoration underscore company. Thank you for many laughs and long live the podcast. Best regards, Hayden McLeod. In brackets, the shoe restoration company.

Close brackets. Oh, that's quite satisfying. They have pictures of the dirty ones that show them all clean. Or what they could have done is took a photo when they bought them. Oh, Rob, come on now. No, I'm joking. No, I'm not. I'm not implying that.

Wow, there's no... That is mental. I didn't know you could do that with trainers. That is incredible. Because I've got trainers that I like, but they've been discontinued. Do you know what I mean? So how do they make the...

I get that they can make them cleaner but how do they you know like with like air force ones or like trainers it goes a bit creasy at the front yeah because where your toes been in them that is amazing that is great fair enough look at that fair enough oh wow are we being have we been influenced by ourselves? How do you do this? Anyway, well, good luck with that company. I've got one here. Yeah. This is, just wanted to send a small business shout out for my sister who introduced me to the podcast.

She started up a children's brand called Robin and Rue in lockdown 2021 around her one and three-year-old daughters. Her main product is a reversible double bib that customers can customise themselves choosing their own fabrics from her website. It's like two bibs in one. So when one side gets wet or dirty, you can flap it inside out to contain everything inside, not just turn it around like a normal bib.

I use them now on my TV in the sun and they're absolutely the best bibs ever. She makes everything herself and all the materials are ethically sourced from the UK. Oh, this is good. She also makes matching scrunchies with the fabric off cuts to ensure that the business is as zero waste as possible great for mummy and big sisters matching the baby oh that's clever that is really good robin r-o-b-y-n and rue r-o-o www.robinandrue.com um if you a bib. That is genuinely a great idea. I've been dribbling quite a lot in bed.

Should I get one for bedtime? Yeah, what about the Bib Restoration Company? Do you reckon you could get your bib back to box fresh? And they look like cool little neckerchiefs. They make them look

like little cowboys. That is nice. That is good stuff. Robin and Rue and the Shoe Restoration Company, they are your small business shout-outs. We'll be back on Friday.

I've enjoyed doing this, Rob. We don't do enough correspondence. I've enjoyed it this, Rob. We don't do enough correspondence. I've enjoyed it. I've enjoyed it too. It's good to hear from everyone as well. And sometimes you don't put your names. Please put your names so we can give you a shout-out. It's nice to give you shout-outs.

Cool. All right, then. Well, we'll see you on Friday with another guest. I look forward to that. See you then. Bye. Bye.