Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S05 EP9: Take it easy, Playa...

Episode Date: August 17, 2022

S05 EP9: Take it easy, Playa... More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Please rate and leave a review  Thanks Rob + Josh (and Michael)  If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] BIG NEWS.... we're writing a book!  ⭐ All the stories we can’t tell on the podcast – in depth. ⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents) ⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them...   [e-mail] What's it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)? And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick? Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike. Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here:  https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBook If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Introducing Tim's new Savory Pinwheels. The perfect flaky and flavourful snack for those on the go. Like me, who's recording this while snacking. Ooh, delicious. Try the roasted red pepper and Swiss or caramelised onion and parmesan pinwheels only at Tim's. At participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time.

And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will, and... Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card, and he's done it! Oh, clicky-click magic trick! The click heard around the room. You guys just about finished.

Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight worthy with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with Louise. To say dear Rob Beckett. And to say dear Josh Whittacombe.

Josh Whittacombe. Hello. And to say dear Josh, where they come? Bravo. You want to say where they come? Yeah. Go on. Yeah, bravo. Bravo. OK, fini, fini.

Josh. I've got bad news. Hang on. Is that parent from France or Newcastle? Neither. But not far off okay i hadn't set my fucking audio recording going do i have to do that all again michael no it's fine i can use the zoom and play it sorry can we keep him live joshua can panic just so all the listeners get an idea of what me and michael have to deal with i totally get what you've done there's very professional you've gone oh should we do that again but the

panic in your voice is like you're on fire trying to get the podcast recorded i know it's like way rooney rob he plays at a level but occasionally that'll tip over yeah getting around the passion but if you took this out of me i'd lose what makes me good. This is a thing. That's so true. That's very well observed about yourself, Josh. Thanks, mate. Cheers. Well, I'm operating at that level at this exact moment, so my observations are 10 out of 10 quality.

Because when it comes to observations, whether it's knickknacks or your inner soul, you've got it. Exactly. It's a curse. Whether it's debit cards or it's the inner workings of your turmoil, you know what's going on. You see it happening.

You can't stop it, but you can see it and report back. And previously, my stand-up has dealt purely with debit cards, hence my lack of success at the Edinburgh Festival. Yes, of course. There we go. Do you want to know who that was? Yes, please. Dear Rob and Josh,

thanks to the incredible podcast that's accompanied me through all the lockdowns As well as my first time parenting I don't think it can be minimised The positive impact you had by making me laugh Utterly hysterically by myself every day On walks with a little one I didn't realise how positive that paragraph was going to be Otherwise I'd have cut it Rob

I do apologise It's nice to be nice It's nice to help isn't it Our failure can assist people with their lives. This is 26 months old, so that's just over two years. Louise, really enjoying St Josh's surname. I don't think it's possible for Rob to guess where we're from, but good luck anyway.

It was Finny Finny at the end. Is it Italian or something? So, we live in Berlin. Incredible. I'd love that. And I grew up in Belgium. Do you know what? I'm not a big fan of Berlin. I prefer Munich. is it Italian or something so we live in Berlin incredible I'd love that and I grew up in Belgium I'm not a big fan of Berlin

I prefer Munich it's a bit more oompa oompa Munich Berlin's a bit cool and trendy innit but like Berlin's like Berlin mate

is the Victoria Park of Germany yeah I'm more Piccadilly Circus we live in Berlin but I grew up in Belgium hence the French

oh my dad my mum is from Hong Kong and my dad we live in Berlin but I grew up in Belgium hence the French oh my dad my mum is from Hong Kong and my dad is from Beckenham no way yeah Beckenham

Hong Kong Berlin Belgium so where's she now she's Berlin now she's Berlin now Beckenham to Berlin Louise's dad

Louise being the child yeah is from Northern Ireland oh leave out the accent how was I supposed to get that accent, mate? It sounded like the mouth was having a fight. We're moving to the USA in a few weeks.

No, you're not. What's in this absolute bollocks? I'm now pregnant with our second child. Thank you in advance for the last one. And he's Swedish, for no other reason than I've decided. Going to move to a different country just for the birth to get him another passport. Thanks for being so sexy and relatable. All the best, Charlotte. Where are they going to move to a different country just for the birth to get him another passport thanks for being so sexy and relatable all the best charlotte where they're going to america

did they say pine bluff's pretty good this time of year yeah down to what was it called pine bluff pine bluff in arkansas yeah yeah and we had one listener there the woman that drove through it yes we might have a listener on the dartford Crossing. Have you checked the stats for that? Channel Tunnel. Michael's on it at this exact moment. Rose described us checking the stats as one of her favourite things she's heard on this podcast. Really?

Yeah, which I found baffling, but there we go. Maybe it just took the pressure off you and hers, the parenting. Her favourite ever episode's David Earl. There you go. Really? Lou liked the Martin Lewis one. She still listens, Lou. Yeah, so does Rose. I feel almost so like a Russian

spire. I think Lou's sort of listening for espionage reasons as opposed to entertainment. I think they're listening because they just if we don't think they're listening I think what we say will change. It's a damage limitation. They need us to think they're listening. No, but it doesn't stop

the amount of arguments I have with Lou after, and she normally backs down because everything I say is the truth. So you can't argue with the truth, Josh. Yeah. Rob, you're so much nicer about Lou than I am about Rose in the book. When I saw your half of the book, I felt awful. I had to take Rose aside and said, do you want me to do a rewrite? Really?

Are you going to? Yeah. No. I just, I just, I just, no, she said it was fine. kidding? Yeah. No, I just... No, she said it was fine. Yeah. Yeah. I like Lou more than Rose, no offence.

But I think it would be worrying if I loved Rose more than Lou. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a problem. I've got a problem like that, though. Oh, well, you love Lou more than Rose. No, Rose thinks Ellis James is funnier than me, definitely. Right. And Ellis told me that Izzy thinks Ellis James is funnier than me. Definitely. Right. And Ellis told me

that Izzy thinks that I'm funnier than him. Oh, do you know what you need? A really awkward, stiff-necked sex-esh workout who's best. Just have a gang, have a really awkward gang band.

You can all read and drink Whispering Angel beforehand and then get down to it and find out. Do you know the drink Whispering Angel, Rob? Isn't that,

is that hipstery? I follow it on Instagram. You follow a rosé on Instagram? Yeah, I do follow a rosé on Instagram. I know nothing about rosé. That's my go-to for a sort of a trendy... Oh, it's great rosé. It really is.

I'll be honest with you, Rob, and this is going to sound awful. Yeah. It's my request to drink at the last leg. You are unbelievable. What do you mean? You are just absolutely... Ne, necking Whispering Angel, jumping in a taxi back to East London.

You are media elite. And do you know what? I love it, Josh. Jumping in a taxi? It finishes at fucking quarter past 11, mate. Get the tube, mate. Get the tube. A real guy.

Cross London at midnight on a Friday night, straight after doing a TV show. Straight after doing a live TV show. Oi, you're the whispering angel wanker! Drinking a bottle of whispering angel on the tube like Diane Abbott Oh bless her she had a

little tinny didn't she? I've done a lot worse Come on let her off it's only a little tinny Do you know I was, I used to get so pissed when I worked in office jobs I'd get like every Thursday, Friday, Saturday like not Saturday I wasn't in the office but like probably from wednesday i'd get pissed to the point of missing my train and getting the last bus home and sometimes i'd be on the tube eating a kfc like a full bucket meal like a full like box meal or like some sort of dirty take away rob that that

was going to be the foundations for you becoming the nation's sweetheart a few years later i was thinking about this the other day. You know when people say, like, when you go on telly or something, you change? And I think I have changed. I think I've got nicer. Yeah. Do you think?

Normally you change and you get worse, but I think I've got... Because now people come to me and go, I don't even know who you are. And I go, oh, whatever, don't worry. Like, if someone else had said something. I'd go, I'll just do a bit of comedy or something like that. But I reckon 15 years ago for comedy, if someone came up to me and went,

I don't know who you are, I'd go, I don't know who the fuck you are. Who the fuck are you? But I can't do that now or I'm the bad guy. Yeah, so do you think it is that you're a nicer person or just that you have to behave in a nicer manner? Oh, I'm not a nicer person, no. I just have to behave in that way

to maintain a certain level of respectability in public. I can't just wander around going, who the fuck are you? No, you're not Liam Gallagher. You're not Keith Allen. I wish I was. Some part of me thinks I went a bit too corporate early doors. I should have just gone really balls out.

I think I'm making up for it, though. Yeah, yeah, too right. You're one of those edgy guys that hosts a podcasting about parenting. Yeah, I'm an outlier on the scene i'm not woodstock 99 in real life i tell you what if you are a podcastist and you come up to me come up to me and say tell me to fuck off and then i can tell you to fuck off but then in a nice polite way where i'm not a bad guy is that quite clear that you're a podcast listener because if

rob does what gets this wrong once it's game over i won't wrong once I'll draw the line at kids I won't tell your kids to fuck off that's non-negotiable anyway Josh how are you we've babbled on for ages here this morning to my daughter for her first haircut oh that's exciting she's got really curly hair hasn't she so it's like she hasn't needed to have one

no no exactly it's been she's over four now and she went to cool cuts for kids. How long is it when it's wet? If it's wet and she's putting her head back, it is arse level. It's arse level? Okay. Arse level, yeah.

Down to her bum. It's half the length of her. I'd veer towards down to her bum as the description. Yeah, that's a much nicer way of doing it. Arse level. I was panicking. What else is arse level? Seats? Seats or the bottom of a T-shirt, of doing it. Arse level. I was panicking. What else is arse level? Seats?

Seats, or like the bottom of a T-shirt, I suppose, is arse level. Yeah, true, yeah. So, we went to Cool Cuts for Kids in Crouch End. Okay, how was it? Because a friend goes there and had recommended it, and so it was a way of... She sat in like a car. Have you been to one of these places, Rob?

No, I've seen them through windows. I've never taken my kids in there. It's absolute bedlam in there, Rob. They cut her hair, then they did an Elsa plait. All the while she sat in a car, she had it washed. And then they did an Elsa plait, like you've never seen before. Like an Elsa plait that came from the side and went round. Oh, no.

It was a proper professional Elsa plait that really puts the rest of us in the shade. And then they put glitter in her hair. And I thought, this is going to be a fucking nightmare in the long run here. There's a fun to practicality ratio as a parent, isn't there? Exactly. You almost said it's fairy dust. And I'm like, mate, it's not going to be fairy dust when I'm struggling to wash it out tomorrow night. But there we go.

And they painted her nails for her. She had a lovely time. Ah, did she like the nails being painted? Yeah, she loved it. She loved the whole thing. So my six-year-old was in the shops, and she went, I want to buy this. And it was like a makeup set, but like a plasticky Disney one that was like, there was no makeup in it and all that. Yeah.

And my mum had bought them like a makeup set thing where they could put like it's all like blue red and it's like paint it's almost like face paint really it's not like it's not like a maybelline eye shaper um but um and she went i want that and then i went no you don't want that it's like it's for babies you're six and and i was like so what she went yeah but i've been making a makeup set out of paper in my room i was like like, oh, don't give me the Oliver Twist shit. Do you know what I mean, right? And I was like, well, what is it you want? Do you want the plasticky stuff or do you want actual makeup?

She went, actual makeup. Then we found a set. And do you know what? I think kids' toys are cheaper. There's a beautiful middle ground between the first sort of plasticky toys that are quite expensive that have got characters on from TV and films. And then there's a middle ground where it's quite cheap then it gets really expensive when it's like a playstation 5 or a bike yeah this is middle ground where she got this like you're in a lovely

middle ground lovely middle ground a little it was quite cheap it was like a little cardboard silvery boxing and in it was those a makeup and a mirror and she absolutely loves it and she's been doing her makeup with it obviously dreadfully but that's you know it'd be more worrying if she did it perfectly but i didn't know how i felt about that i was like well you just gotta let them experiment yeah you just gotta let them it's just like face paint really isn't it that she's not aware it's weird though because lou doesn't do make lou's not really a makeup person she's not like spending hours to get ready she'll just go out no makeup on hair in a bun just to the shops and not really

care yeah so it's not like they're seeing it from loo no and i also but i also think you know each to their own but there is an argument with certain things where it's like if you make that like a big deal it's going to become more of a thing yes exactly but that's the main positive of the week i'm sure you'd like me to move on to the negatives yeah i was going to say one thing though i think because i think the people think kids don't need to wear makeup blah blah blah blah it's like it's too much it's sort of over like the sexualizing young kids that's sort of the argument isn't it but i think no really shouldn't it be if it's just fun and colorful and expression of creativity then really it shouldn't be girls should shouldn't do it until they're older it should be well why don't just boys

do it as well at a young age it's's just a fun, silly thing to do. I turned up at the nursery the other day and Pearl's mate, who is a boy, he'd got blusher on. Yeah. And he had his, I'll be honest with you, once again, the quality of the makeup they do, the kids, is very poor. Yeah, I mean, let's take it as read that the quality's not great, but it's all about the intention.

Yeah, it's very Sue Pollard, isn't it? I don't think you should say to a young boy in London that's decided to go into a nursery with his make-up on and say, look, I like what you're doing here, but you've done it bad. Mate, you've got to fade it in more. You've got to fade it in more. You've got to re-look at that,

because the graduation of the red cheeks to the normal skin is just not working for you. That's what I said. Yeah. That was a good audit. Here come the carrots making their way upfield, followed by the whole wheat bread, over to the two dozen eggs. Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard.

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on your purchases in your first three months. Terms and conditions apply. But they can't wear makeup into school, can they? No, I don't know. But it's all changing. Virgin Cabin Crew

are allowed to have tattoos on their arms now on show blimey rob do you know what the whole world is going to shit that's it that's the final time i like i like it i was being sarcastic all right sorry yeah but i don't know there was a part of the thing you might not like that in about 20 years well it's just a lack of respect isn't it no i'm all for getting inked I've been inked myself obviously on Taskmaster so you know I know what it's like. You get the bug. Anyway we're veering off here

give me the negatives. Let me tell you about my negatives. Yeah. So short weird face. So last week evening off very excited about an evening off. Yeah because last time we spoke, we did the correspondence, and you were getting quite stressed with not having much time. Has it calmed down a bit?

Well, I had an evening off, Rob. I was looking forward to this evening off. It was boiling hot. So my daughter won today. Ice lolly, the only one we had in the freezer, for some reason had melted, right? But it was reset, but you couldn't use it as an ice lolly so we because it was like a puddle attached to a stick kind of thing so we chipped off the ice

lolly put it in a bowl for her yeah so she could eat it with a spoon next thing you know she comes in she's in severe pain of the throat yeah it turns out a bit of splinter from the stick has got into the... Oh, no. That's awful. That is so awful. That is awful. That's like something from 24 Hours in A&E, isn't it? Yeah.

So she's got a wooden splint in her throat. Yeah. So she's in quite a lot of pain. She's like, do you want some water? No, I don't want to... You know, she can't swallow all that stuff. So, decision's made. A&E.

6pm. Head out to A&E. Have to get the bus there because there's no parking. So, who's gone? Just you and her and Rosie? Me and her. I'm going to say it. By the time we're leaving the house.

I don't think a bus... Surely you could have got a taxi, couldn't you? It's quicker to get a bus. The bus is direct to the hospital. Oh, right, OK, fair enough. Yeah. Just three buses and then a tube and then we were there. You're not paying silly money for a surge-priced Uber.

Exactly, exactly. That stick's not going anywhere. It's not a meeting with Channel 4, is it? Yeah, exactly. So, Rob, I'd say by the moment we're leaving the house I get the distinct impression that the stick's worked

its way out and she's fine but she's denying this and I keep saying are you sure you want to go to the hospital and by now she's staying

it still hurts but I think this doesn't hurt yeah but you've got but then but you can't no because what if

in the morning she wakes up and she's worse and it's still stuck there and you didn't bring her. Yeah. So we go to the hospital, book in, get in there.

It's as busy as I've ever seen that A&E and I've seen it a lot of times. I reckon I've been there a dozen times. Sure. Okay. Ever on your own? Never on my own. No.

Always the kids department. So we go in. By now she is definitely fine. But by now we've booked in and I've given my name and I'm thinking there's no way out here. Is half of you thinking the longer I stay, better anecdote for the pod? Well

I was and then after about an hour of nothing. Yeah. I was starting to get panicked. We brought the iPad, so she was doing stuff on her iPad. After about an hour, I see a guy who's... I've seen people come and go as well because they're prioritising people that have got actual ailments over us.

One of the guys who's also stuck here with a kid that's obviously not unwell enough to jump the queue comes in and he goes to his wife. They've told me it's going to be four hours. Can you imagine my mood at that point? You've been there an hour already. I've been there an hour already. And now, I'm not saying that she was fine.

Yeah. I wouldn't like to accuse her of that, because she's still, at this point, I'm like, are you sure you don't want to go her of that because she's still at this point i'm like you sure you don't want to go i took a photo of her rob yes this is her this is her mood at this point okay okay so i've never seen a child look and she actually looks good for it yeah she looks well she's having the time of her fucking life so she's got her tongue stuck out arms in the air smiling bright ey bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I'd argue if you've got a bit of wood stuck in your throat,

splinter-wise, you're not popping the tongue out for a laugh. No, exactly, exactly. And if you look at that iPad, I don't know if you've got the CBeebies game app where you play like CBeebies games. Oh, right. That is one way you have to write out the alphabet with Jojo and Gran Gran.

As you can see, she's on X, the last letter of the alphabet. Yes. And that's her second time round. Yeah. And I'd say... She's been there a long time.

If my kids are on Will, they're not playing games, they're just watching something. They're watching a show or something. Yeah. You're not playing Jojo and Gran Gran's

alphabet game. No, not at all. And so, I'm like trying to convince her for about ten minutes, I'm like, look, don't you want to just go home? And she's like, no, I don't. And so I'm trying to convince her for about 10 minutes. I'm like, look, don't you want to just go home? She's like, no, I don't.

And I'm thinking, I can't leave because they've got my name on file. Like, imagine if I left and something went wrong. That's it. Like, I'm a negligent parent. Yes, of course. Even though she's fine. It wasn't four hours. It was about another 90 minutes.

OK, so two and a half hours? Yeah. That's not bad. No. It's not a bad wait for nothing. It's not a bad wait for nothing. No, it's not a bad evening, is it? No, she's done a bit of spelling.

What have you been doing? Just sort of thinking about it the whole time? I got angry for 10 minutes with the situation. Yeah. And then I just chilled out. I reckon we were with the nurse for a maximum of three minutes. Sure. After all that, she checked down the throat with a torch,

and then she made her stand up and jump up and give her a high five. Oh, yeah, that old... The old splinter check. I forgot about that. I said, what's that all about? And she said, oh, if you've got a child who's got pain in their stomach, if you think that they're just saying it, if you get them to jump up and give you a high five yeah then uh they can't do that if they've got pain in their stomach that'd be too painful so there's a test for you rob do you like

that do you know what about this is this advice which you should never follow because we know nothing but it's gonna be quite funny one day or i'll go just get him to do that lou and my daughter attempts it misses the high five and is sick on the floor and i go yeah we need to go to school yeah okay uh at least we know at least get on that bus let's go at least we know we've done we've done the test and she's been physically sick on the floor sure she has got a stomach ache let's go let's go blue siren it let's go oh god oh that's anyway we got at least you checked got home at 10 p.m yeah siren it. Let's go. Oh, God. So anyway, we got home. Got home at 10pm. Yeah.

Or whatever it was. That's a nice night off work. Because we had to get the bus back as well, obviously. Nice 10pm bus in East London with a child. Nice 10pm bus in East London with a child. And then two nights later, she gets ill again. Straight back to A&E. No.

Second time in a week. What's wrong with her? By this point, Saturday night, the worst night to be in A&E. No. Second time in a week. What's wrong with her? By this point, Saturday night, the worst night to be in A&E. You done twice in a week? Done twice in a week, mate. What a fucking lie.

What was it this time? So she was ill. Did you go or did Rose? I went. Okay. She was ill. I love it there. I know all the doctors now.

It's great. She had croup. Oh, great. She had croup. Oh, I've heard about croup. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a kind of chesty cough thing that they have to give you steroids for. So if she got that in the daytime, you could have gone to your doctors to get the prescription,

but because the doctor was shy, you have to go to... Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you can't just get it from the pharmacy. No, this one started... Ah, kid desirable. Why are we can't just get it from the pharmacy. No, this one. Ah, kid desire. Why are we so ill young? It's so annoying.

This one, we arrived at 11pm on Saturday night. With croup. With croup. I tell you, sober in A&E on a Saturday night is the bleakest place in the UK. It's just, just awful place to be. What was that? Any juicy stuff? Well, just, like, drunk people who, like, been in a fight and, like, for a reason that isn't, you know, worrying,

if you know what I mean. Apart from us, we've got croup. Yeah. And so that time, it's fine. But they gave us the drugs when we arrived. And then you have to sit for an hour and wait for the drugs to kick in. No, I ordered a taxi this time. That's a good idea, mate.

Yeah. I take a four-year-old on the night bus with a four-year-old. He's got croup, yeah. Oh, Josh, what a week. What a week. I feel bad about turning my week oh yeah

go on we went to Florida again oh for the love of God who are you Judith Chalmers what's going on what the holidays

are getting out of hand Josh yeah you've got an addiction I have got an addiction well basically we used to do special episodes when you went on holiday now it feels like

a special episode when you're in the south east London mate well what happened was that first florida one was booked for two years and then we had the greece holiday which was delayed from covid and then i had the august holiday backlog i had we had a holiday backlog and then i had august off and after talking about florida i've got my friends got a place in florida and he said if you want to ever want to go you can go so then all we have to do is get the flights yeah oh my god so we've been

in florida it is hot in august josh are you now an american citizen i don't know i feel like i've been here too much too long now but i'm coming back to america with romesh for work later in the year oh my god you're gonna start calling it the sidewalk so what have you been doing now we've just been sort of sitting around the pool and stuff, but it is a little bit too warm. So we haven't been doing a lot of inside things. Do you think, how many of our listeners do you think are feeling sorry for you at this moment? Zero.

For being too warm on your second Florida trip? The quarter. Well, do you know what it was? It was just that I was like, someone told me something the other day. It was like harrowing. He was like, well, my kid, he said, my kid's 12 and 14. And he was like, yeah, so we're going to go on a big holiday this year

because they probably won't want to go on holiday with us anymore soon. Yeah. I was like, fuck. It does go proper quick, doesn't it? Well, someone said this to me. They said, you only get, and I think they're overstating it.

They were like, you only get 18 summers with your kids. So make the best of it. But you don't even get 18 because the first kids so make the best of it but you don't even get 18 because the first the first two don't count then there was covid and then after about 14 they don't want to spend it with you you're looking at 10 summers max with your kids that's the thing i was just like we've got we don't have to pay for the accommodation so i was very lucky for that and i just it was only the flights and i was like then my kids are only giving me six and four once so fuck it so that's why we did it

so I'd rather I'd rather be honest with you and tell you rather and sort of lie but it is we're very lucky to be able to get away because other people

aren't able to so we're very aware of our privilege we will be coming back also we flew a Virgin okay which I can't remember

which one the one you disliked BA were a nightmare and they were unbelievable right and if you are going to go to Florida Virgin are a thousand times better than BA I can't remember which one the one you disliked was. BA were a nightmare. And they were unbelievable, right? And if you are going to go to Florida, Virgin are a thousand times better than BA.

And what is annoying, because after the BAP, they were like, oh, whenever you want to go back to Florida, we'll sort you out flights. And they were trying to offer me free flights for social media posting and talking about it. But I was like, no, it's not fair on the podcast, because I need to pay so that then whatever happens, I can be honest. Because if it's shit, I need be honest. Cause if it's shit, I need to be able to say it's shit and I'm not in anyone's pocket. But unfortunately it was really good. So I should have took the fucking free flights anyway,

because I'm only saying what I would have said. But to be fair, they're like, they were amazing. And they, they, but it was a bit like a, you know,

it was a bit like a rebound from a relationship because I'd slacked off BO so much. They were on me hard, you know, it was a bit, but I loved it. They were'd slacked off bo so much they were on me hard you know it was a bit but i loved it they were like oh mr beckett thanks for flying with us i was like i know what you're doing it was like a reviewer going into a restaurant well yeah they well they did because the one thing they did do is because we booked premium economy flights but they let us go in the posh lounge and they were like this way mr beckett i was like okay i see what you're doing here but i love it so i'm not gonna turn down that um but yes we've been out in florida and i can recommend andy car hire you know the andy car hire bloke he's so much better than trying to book it elsewhere

so definitely book cars with andy car hire in florida they went to universal for a few days because we didn't really do that properly last time and i think we that's the good when you've got a second florida holiday you can sweep up on all the things you know i feel i oh part of me was like i don't want to mention it on it because i don't look like i'm showing off but i'm for i can't lie to listeners so yeah we are very lucky to be back out but um can i ask a question yeah go on when's the next time you're going to florida oh not not booked not planned not booked and I do think what do you reckon November I would say twice a year is too much I'm going to tell you that now

August is too hot it's so humid Josh I keep walking outside and saying fuck off and then coming back in I couldn't do it I couldn't do it because it's

it's too hot here it's too hot in August for the parks it's so humid it's ridiculous but there's one ride in Universal Popeyes ride that's like a water one and you get absolutely soaked it's so humid it's ridiculous but there's one riding universal popeyes ride that's

like a water one and you get absolutely soaked it's not like you know like was it like splash mountain or whatever it is and what's the one in fort park you know the water rides the weather the log flume it ain't like oh mate i i literally it gets you so wet it looks like you've just jumped in the sea and people were getting in not aware that you get wet so in the end we had to come back in with flip-flops on and swimming trunks to get on this ride because you get somewhere i saw a man get on with a gucci backpack and yeezys and the man said put it in there to keep it dry i went no it'd be all right and i'm just sitting there going i know it's not this is my third time on this i know it's not and it was so exciting josh it was so exciting i saw sunglasses fly off heads people getting wet it was amazing so that was quite good fun oh also

i've bought some wu-tang clan crocs oh i saw a picture of you rob did you like them um well they were not really even the main issue were they what was the issue well I shaved my beard off because I was too hot Josh yeah and also you're wearing a Taco Bell t-shirt yeah and some Simpsons shorts yeah all my clothes were too warm have you had a breakdown

I think yeah I think the heat's got me how long have you been in America you're wearing a Taco Bell t-shirt and Simpsons shorts and Wu-Tang Clan and I've put on half a stone also we had Covid Josh

what we all got Covid oh my god it's been I couldn't regulate my body temperature I nearly had a breakdown and I've put on half a stone. Also, we had COVID, Josh. What? We all got COVID. Oh, my God. It's been... I couldn't regulate my body temperature. I nearly had a breakdown. I had to stay in the air con for two days. We all got COVID.

It was awful. Oh, my God. It's been a bit of an up and down holiday, to be honest. It is too hot and it keeps raining. Well, do you know what? I imagine there's people at home going, that's the least you deserve. August is a terrible time to be here, Josh.

It's like electrical storms. So this happened as well right we um because it's so hot it's so hot i know it's not where you are and i'm not looking for sympathy but we're putting like 50 on the kids and then the six-year-old had this big red mark on her leg yeah where it was like oh my god she's got sunburn but it was like immediately red you know normally it gets slowly redder at dinner and you start going i don't think we put enough cream on them. They're getting redder. They're getting redder. Anyway, she had this big red strip on her leg,

and it was blood red. I was like, oh, my God, that is awful. And then we think maybe she's been bitten. So, like, Lou's Googling it. We're putting the after sun on it. She's trying to get antihistamine. Anyway, I give it a bit of a rub. It starts to come off.

Give it another rub. It's dried strawberry syrup. From a drink. my god that's such an american thing for it to be as well just sort of been sat around the pool it's basically been a pool holiday to be honest yeah um we're not we're not really doing the parks it's sort of a because it is so hot and it's humid so it's not just like heat hot it's like feels about 40 degrees even though it's like 35 because of the the thing i need to make an apology because in the book i talk about how well my kids get on and play together

yeah in heat they hate each other oh gosh they've been fighting and just she said this she said that whenever they have to walk in here when it's hot they've just been losing the plot and then in the end they start bumping chests with each other like footballers you know like kieran dyer and lee bowyer like getting each other's faces and they pussed each other, like footballers, you know, like Kieran Dyer and Lee Bowyer, like getting in each other's faces and they pushed each other. And then one of them went, you punch me, I'll punch you. Let's go. They offered each other out for a fight. It was like it got to boiling point where they'd get on barge each other.

Which one said that and which one do you think would win? Do you know what? I think that it was both sort of said together. They both were up for it. And so what's the interesting thing is the youngest one is really tall for age and she's she's i think if they were the same age they're similar in size well i took on rock climbing the other day they love it they clip on and go up and down these rock it's really good they absolutely love it so the younger one is like

really good anything physical straight up here the elder one a bit slower but really methodical and then gets better but quickly gets better and the toy yeah exactly but so they're both really active really confident and enjoy it but once runs up it and the other one works it out and then gets quicker over time so it's really interesting though so the younger one was doing it really quick and then as soon as i said to the elder one right let's make it a competition she run up it like a rat up a drain pipe she is she went mental like so we took like she's so competitive but you don't expect it from her she's quite meek she's like an animal for it so if she's just poodling up and down she'll go quite slow if if there's a championship on the line or whatever

it is so she she made me time her i just asked did you did you decide to compete your daughters against each other yeah i went let's see it gets a bit quicker and it was chaos they were getting so angry with each other but i quite like that sort of uh yeah yeah a bit of rivalry yeah so a bit but then so the the the eldest one zoomed up this thing in 25 seconds and then the younger one actually when it was oh we're doing it for timed was slower weirdly so she's not a big game player yeah i don't know i don't know i mean she's four so maybe you know the other one's two years older so it's quite a big gap at this stage but the elder one definitely loves it if it's a competition so then when the she did it in like 25 seconds and then the youngest one i don't want to play this game so okay we'll stop

if we don't make it competition we'll stop so she just was just climbing up it and then the oldest was going how long how quick she's doing it? How quick she's doing it? I went, no, no, we're not doing a competition. She went, how quick? And then in the end, she ignored me and started counting herself. 17, 18, 19.

And then when she got up there, it was about 35 seconds. She went, yes, 35. And I went, no, you can't do this. She's four. We're not, but it was my fault for starting it. But it's really interesting how she's way more competitive. Do you know who was probably doing that role

when they had a younger sister? Venus Williams. And then over the years... Serena comes through. Serena comes through. That's what I'm saying. That's... Part of me would like to do a project on Bappe

and get them into some sort of sport. I don't know if the money's in rock climbing. I don't think that... It's got to be tennis or golf. Yeah, tennis or golf. Or football, as of last week. Also, like, I'm no athlete. I don't think that shit's got to be tennis or golf yeah tennis or golf or football as of last week also like i'm no athlete i don't know why i've got this idea that they've got the genes it's all about the training look the talent's there it's just about honing it like this is based on nothing it's not like

stephy graf and andre agassi yeah I think you're probably too late already do you know what I mean if you're going to be one of those mad trainer Richard Williams style I know there are so many

cool Americans here though when I was in Universal there was a guy come up to me because our kids were playing on something and he was like

he was really tall about six foot three and he was like dressed like a rapper dressed like a rapper he could have been a famous rapper can I just say

you've never sounded like an older person in your life he was dressed like a rapper. Dressed like a rapper. He looked really cool. He could have been a famous rapper. Can I just say? Yeah. You've never sounded like an older person in your life. He was dressed like a rapper. Are you my grandad? No, but he was. He just had that swagger. I've seen rappers, mate. Dressed like a rapper. He dressed like a rapper.

He walked slowly. He had the chain. He had the jewellery. And then he said, and I've never felt cooler. He said to me, take it easy, player. I'm a player. And what did you do? I went, oh, thanks.

What did you say? Did you give him a player back? No, of course not. Imagine that. Did you not? You too, G. G, actually on G. Big dog.

Young blood. You too, young blood? I don't know. I imagine you just giggled. I imagine that's what happened. I literally giggled. Oh, thanks. And then said to Lou

he just called me player did you hear that he said take it easy player that was quite that's sort of been the highlight of my trip really that's been the highlight of your trip

that's good oh this is amazing what I did Josh on a ride at Universal in the front carriage someone's hat flew off yeah

I caught it fuck off I caught it on my life no way I caught it the best part was catching a hat in midair on a roller coaster do you know what the worst part is incredible no one cared what are they dead inside i just sort of passed it back but i passed it to lou and he would pass it to her but she went oh thanks i was like pardon oh thanks i've caught a fucking hat in midair i caught it caught a midair? I caught it.

And then, this is how pathetic I am. When we went round to go on the ride again, I said to the guy, I went, oh, yeah, I don't know if you saw that on that ride, I caught the hat. So pathetic. That is lame. That is not what a player would say, is it?

That is so lame. I don't know if you saw it, I caught a hat. Oh, God. She went, what? I caught it on the ride as it was going round the corner. And she went, all right. I said, hey, all I get is an all right quarter hat off a roller coaster, Josh. I think that's the most impressive thing you've ever done.

I know. But no one can. Up until the point where you tried to get credit. I think it sounds like you're five minutes from getting your phone out and Googling yourself to show that you're quite a big deal back in the UK. Do you know what I was thinking was I've got two things

on that. The absolute dream that that's the photo. Imagine that being the rollercoaster photo. Oh my word, you reaching out and catching. Do you know what the problem with that would be? It would look like you were just holding a hat up in the air. Why don't you Rob, instead of just go back with a buy a woman's hat go back work out where the camera is yeah and hold that woman's hat above your head as if you're catching it for the photo and then get that and

then then you can show people go you're not going to believe what happened well i tell you what i'm not going to do that because that's too much hassle. However, if you are at a theme park, Legoland, wherever you are, the big one, and you go, do it. Hold the hat. Send them to us. We'll put them on our Instagram.

It doesn't even need to be a hat. Yeah. Whatever item you want, as long as you're allowed on a roller coaster. Well, no, not like a three-month-old. No. And not like a knife because that's too much of a gamble.

Like, not like, I bought a... A dog. like, I bought a dog. Yeah, I caught a dog. But yeah, miscellaneous safe things that you can do. Miscellaneous safe things that you can catch on a roller coaster. Do send them in. So the other thing is that where we are, where are my friend's place is in Florida.

It's sort of by the beach. It's quite far away from Orlando. It's almost like a beach holiday. It's a lovely place beautiful place everyone's American zero tourists not getting recognised at all

I don't like it Josh don't like it it's nice getting recognised when you go on a show because you get better service oh no oh no

I didn't realise it's better Virgin Airways treated you so well that you're never going to come back from it. Well, the thing is... So what was the main thing you noticed that was different about your life

when people don't recognise you from eight out of ten cats as countdown? They're just not as excited to see me, Josh, and it's quite nice when people are excited to see you. Oh, God. Are you going up to them and trying to tell them what Jimmy Carr's like, even though they're not asking, because that's what you do with most famous people? Well, no.

Most people. I was wearing my Arsenal shirt in a shop, and someone said to me, Go Gunners. And I like that. Yeah. That made me feel special. Oh, my God.

This is... This is tragic. Bad, isn't it? I don't know if I should be saying this out loud. What are you going to be like when you get back to the UK? I don't know if I should be saying this out loud. No, I think it's good. We're singing to your dark soul, like mine at the start.

But when I it at Universal? It was a bit overwhelming when I'm really up, pushing the kids and people want photos because I can't. It's disrupting the kids' day. That's hard work. But when you just go, oh, come this way. Oh, hello, do you want to sit? And they put you in the restaurant.

It's nice. Yeah, of course. It made me realise you take nice things for granted. The problem is, Rob, that means you're going to have to hang on to this level of fame for the rest of your life. Oh, no. Otherwise, it's going to destroy you. Or do I just move somewhere and just go, it's probably because I live here now?

Well, you could always move somewhere small and become a local celebrity. Yeah, like coach the local soccer team. And then I'm like, go that way, go back that way and being sort of like a local legend in a small town that gets really put out when anyone comes in new that's basically what i was at my office job what a local legend no no but i would show off in the pub and in the office for attention has lou found that without this you become more you've become more insufferably kind of i'm annoying with sleep and an out without do you know what it is I think if I was living here and I was still gigging I'd like that but because I'm not have I've got an outlet at the moment so I'm not working I go insane have you seen what I shaved

my beard and I'm dressed like a Alex Brooke messaged me when he saw the outfit and it's on look if it Lou it's like at Lou underscore M on her Instagram he said he messaged me and these are his words Alex Brooke Brooker's words, about the photo, and I went on a charity disabled trip to Euro Disney in 1993, and my roommate had an outfit that was similar to that. That's from Alex Brooker. And I was thinking about that trip. He must have been well annoyed.

Imagine going on a charity disabled trip. You'd be queuing for ages. Because you can't jump the queue if everyone's disabled. It's literally the worst thing that could happen to you. I can tell you the opposite of that, Rob. It's much easier for me to go for a piss at the Paralympics than Alex Brooker. Because those disabled toilets, the queue's incredible. But I'm swatting into the gents.

Do people still go, are you sure you don't need this one you're gonna be right in there because i think i'm a pretty good guy but if i was in a queue for a roller coaster and 200 disabled people got off a coach i'd be fucking livid i'll be like spread it out amongst the rides guys come on it's like a flash mob. I was going to say, basically, if your kid's in Harry Potter and you go to Universal, you're going to spend about a million pounds. Luckily, my kid's into Harry Potter. Not really, no. I was at King's Cross Station on Sunday

and the queue for Platform 9 and 3 quarters is fucking insane. Have you seen this? It's mental to have a photo, isn't it? Yeah, so there's just these people with their Potter scarves on insane. Have you seen this? It's mental to have a photo, isn't it? Yeah, so there's just these people with their Potter scarves on pretending to push their, you know, their suitcase into a wall. And it's like, it's the biggest queue

in the station. It's far more popular than normal trains. It's incredible. Well, at Universal there's a train, because there's two parks, Islands of Adventure and the main Universal one, and you can get the Harry Potter train from Hogwarts. You get it from Hogwarts to London

King's Cross. And you can do some of the most high-level dad banter of all time if you're a British tourist when you arrive in King's Cross. Should know me away from here. Yes, please. I'll be alright here, don't you worry. Not a problem. I know me way around King's Cross, mate.

Don't you worry. Just looking at the kids trying to get a reaction. Nothing. Because that's the other reason why I came again. Because there are children in Disney and Universal around the age of 12 that fucking hate their parents already. So this is it. I'm sort of hammering out hard

and then I've got the rest of my life to go there alone or to go there with people that dislike me have you ever gone through the period of your child hating you like i only very short like about two and a half properly where i just felt i was on the shit list you know yeah and it's tough yeah but i think that happens for the amount of people that keep messaging me going i love the podcast because they keep thinking it'll get easier but it just gets harder so that emotion but physically you're drained at the start then emotionally it's a war it's warfare can't get harder 100 will it simply can't i've i think i'm in the easiest i'm in the eye of the storm josh i'm yeah exactly no but for me yeah it can't get harder than a one year. You'll get easier and then harder again.

So I've got to the easier bit. But now I reckon in my lifespan, right, there's only going to be a finite amount of time when my kids will happily spend two weeks with me in a villa where all we do is sit around the pool and chill out. There's about five years and you're living it now. Yeah. So you've got to make hay while the sun shines.

There's going to be plenty of time when I don't go on holiday because no one wants to come with me. Yeah. And I'll just be sat in my back room doing Lego until one of them gets dumped and all of a sudden they're 100 quid. So I'm living my life now. Which in those days will be worth 3p.

So you'll have to... I've just spent 3,000 Bitcoin nanobots on a Lego toy. I'll give her 100 quid, which is basically a fripply bit um anyway right so all the other things josh we got to talk about um we've got about a couple of things one you need to start tiktok so you can promote our book we've been told by the publisher we've had this book meeting yeah i've got to start i don't want to do it rob right so you've got to because i'm a free man josh you've got a because TikTok's... I don't know. I'm a free man.

Josh, you've got to move in the times. How is this going to affect the sales of the book? This is a conversation people... Me being on TikTok. This is a conversation the generation before us had about websites and Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. You've got to move. You don't have to build it all the time.

Just have an account so people can follow you and put up a couple of things. I've got some ideas of what you can do. No, I don't. Oh, go on. Spicy Dorito. You like spicy food, don't you? go on spicy dorito you like spicy food don't you yeah yeah you can take spicy food there's a challenge on tiktok where you eat one it's not like loads of food i know you're vegetarian so it's not chicken wings or meat

it's you eat one dorito crisp and it's spicy and it's to see how long you can take before you have this is entertainment yes so would you like to do that for what what eat a Dorito yeah you eat one spicy Dorito it's not a Dorito one but it's like a tortilla chip that's a bit spicier than the normal Dorito and you eat that and how long you can

survive without survive well not survive survive well cope without milk or something to call you down forever

how long's a TikTok okay so this is going to be a great one so I think I should come over and record this. Shall I order the chip? The tortilla chip? Yeah, you can order the chip. I don't understand what's going on.

So are you agreeing to do it now? Am I? Sorry. Am I existing in a different universe where when we came up through comedy, you had to work hard, go through all the gigs, write your material, learn to perform. And now I've just got to put a fucking Dorito in my mouth and it'll sell more books. I'd say it'd be the most viewed things you've ever done.

Fine, yeah. Because... I mean, this is not entertainment. OK, well, let's have this chat after you've eaten this chip. But I'll order the chip and that can be your first one, maybe. Or if there's any other suggestions of what Josh can do, let us know. I just don't feel like it's my forte. Yeah, I know, but let's find out.

Oh, God. I think you'll be good at it. There's another thing we have to mention with the book. Yeah. I'll think about, why don't I pitch you next week some of my ideas for my first TikToks? Yes. Well, have a little look at the, actually, don't look at the Dorito challenge. I'll just get it for you.

There's a Sprite challenge, which should be fun. You could do that one. Yeah, I don't mind Sprite. I'll tell you what, basically, you have to down down a bottle of sprite and then try and not burp okay yeah i can do that that sounds that sounds okay right we'll do that i'll tell you what well let's organize it i'll come over to yours i'll bring some sprite and a tortilla chip and i'll film you all right fine you don't have to do anything i just feed you and film you okay and you have to do part of it is you have to get in your pants no that'll make it go more viral yeah well that's not true it will

that's not no i know it'll make it more viral i'll shoot down your cleavage no yeah cleavage cells right i'll think of some tiktoks and you can tell me if they're good ideas okay for next tuesday's episode and do send in your ideas for my first TikTok. And follow me on TikTok if I have to. You have to set up your TikTok first. I thought the publishing industry was the squarest of all the industries and now they're making me join TikTok. Here's your first port of call, right?

The first thing you have to do is sign up to TikTok and just let it sit there and tell everyone your name and we'll get the followers up before you even post anything. Just set it up. I'll sign up this week. Sign up this week. Okay, perfect.

All right, sign up to TikTok. All right, shall we do a small business shout-out? Oh, no, I just need to do one more exciting book announcement. That we want people, for the audiobook, you know how we get the children's voices for the start of the thing? So we want people to send in their children, record them doing the titles of each chapter of the book, and then we will use them in the audio book.

Right. Exciting? Yes, very exciting. So where can they access the chapter titles? So next week I'll provide them. Fuck it. All right. Seamless.

I've really fucked up there. Yeah. Well, next week. That's a teasing for next week. Next week, we'll be announcing how you can get your children's voice as part of the Parenting Hell audiobook. Okay. So we're announcing an announcement. Yeah.

This is a pre-announcement. A pre-announcement. You know when people go, we're announcing the press conference. Next week on Tuesday, there'll be a press conference. Next week, there'll be a press conference about this. Okay, cool. And I've got a really exciting new idea for a feature for the show, which I'm going to tell you on Friday. Okay. we're announcing the press conference next week on Tuesday next week there'll be a press conference about this okay cool and I've got a really exciting new idea for a feature for the show

which I'm going to tell you on Friday okay I look forward to that right let's do small business shout out okay so this one Virgin Atlantic little airline started up by a independent

no when you said you're staying in your friend's house is the house Necker Island by any chance no it isn't I have paid so I'm not doing that as a joke I've got a proper one here hi guys

love the podcast please can I have a small business shout out for my new business put it in the box mystery football shirts ooh yeah we're excited

about this football fanatics and quirky kit lovers we aim to bring our customers the best shirts from around the world all our shirts are brand new

with tags and 100% authentic. We sell shirts for men, women and kids. Any team, any league, any year. www.putitinthebox.co.uk Thank you. Put it in the box. Put it in the box.

Here we go. Oh, that is nice. Add a mystery football shirt to your collection. That is an exciting thing to do. I can totally imagine doing this. There we go. I've got a mental one here. Yeah.

Hi, Josh and Rob. We recently opened a new business and would love to share with your listeners a large majority of our client base, our parents. We are a new tattoo studio based in Folkestone, Kent called At Wild Hope Tattoo. We are a private appointment only studio and offer a different experience from the more traditional tattoo shop we work closely with each client offering custom

only designed to treasure your memories and decorate your body each session is aimed at being relaxed experience so you can shut off for a few hours or if you'd like bring a friend and catch up we often have mothers and daughters or as fathers celebrating their newborns in addition to all this we also planet conscious offer free aftercare and all of our products are vegan. Thanks for the laughs. Wild Hope. So that's Wild Hope Tattoo Studio down in Folkestone, Kent. And if you work for Virgin Railways, head on down there.

Head on down there. It's fine. Oh, dear. Right. I'll see you on Friday, Josh, shall I? Yeah, see you on Friday. Look forward to it's fine. Oh dear. Right, I'll see you on Friday, Josh, shall I? Yeah, see you on Friday. Look forward to it. Bye.

Bye.