Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP1: My Son Hates His Own Home

Episode Date: January 10, 2023

We're back!! Series 6 starts here with the first new episode of 2023 and more misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parented hell with elsie can you say rob beckett rob beck. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Well done. That's brilliant. What's wrong with you? There we go. There we go.

I like it. New year, new us. New voices. Did you enjoy that? Oh, loved it. Teenager? Teenager. This is...

Hi, Rob and Josh. This is from good name helen oh i don't she's not put her surname in the at the end so i use it from the email god what a start hi rob thanks thanks for that mate i i suggest some things can be internalized on this show yeah well i just rob to be accused of of not internalizing enough from rob Beckett is something else I tell you Rob you've spent the last 10 years of your career just saying what comes into your head yeah yeah true yeah that is me I'm just trying to be more Beckett be more Beckett yeah I'm not worried about people's anonymity and emails no I know all right so so this is helen bacon hi rob and josh was it worth it is it bacon or you made that up it is her name's helen bacon was it worth it helen bacon

that's a tough name isn't it helen bacon two worst things in the world to a vegan helen bacon that was good you see that's the thing just It comes in your head and out it comes. Do you know what? Sometimes I'm just not really aware of how good I am. Hi, Rob and Josh. This is my 152-month-old, which is 12. It feels too many months for a 12. 120.

Yeah, no, it is right. She's almost 13. I love the podcast and can often be seen laughing out loud listening to it as I go for a run. Gets me some funny looks, but who cares? Thanks for being so sexy and relatable. Helen, 38, from Bedfordshire. Been to Bedfordshire, Rob? Only for the bacon.

Bedfordshire bacon is known for that. I had a curry last night, Kentish lamb, it said on the menu. I've never really had a county-specific lamb request in my life. No, but did it feel like you were eating one of your own? It tasted a bit like fumes from the A20. So, pretty Kentish. No, it was lovely. It was very nice, actually.

Oh, I'm glad. I'm glad. We should say, people have spoken and we've listened, haven't we? We always listen, within reason. So, we've removed, or Michael has, the sound effects from the theme tune. Yes, the dog barking, the alarms. Tell me, Rob, when was the last time you heard that theme tune? I'd say the last time I heard that theme tune

was heavily during lockdown. What I'd say is I've found out about the alarms and dogs in the intro now. I don't listen back. i assume it's good people keep this i assume it's fine people keep telling me i'd say michael's not been overloaded with notes in the three year i'm not sort of a hands-on guy i mean i'm not one of those actors that wants to get behind the camera and direct no i'm very much you know i'd say as a producer michael isn't one of those people that gives you a huge amount of direction and i mean that as a compliment yeah oh yeah no we're not having debriefs after the record no it's very rare we sit down he goes you too like there's a few things you've been doing wrong

occasionally he'll politely tell me that i'm far too far from the mic And I will forget that within three minutes Quite fundamental You still haven't bought headphones No but the good news is Rob I sent a picture of a microphone to Michael yesterday And said should I buy this new microphone Yeah Because I'm going to invest in a new microphone And he said I should buy one of those

I am yeah So people will be able to hear me And what are you getting Should I get the same as you well Michael then came back and said that I should buy one of those ones

sorry was that a little man in your room or was that you coughing that was me what do you mean was that a little man I am a little man

it sounded like Rob Brydon doing the man in a box I was trying to cover it up it's like when you got a little bit of nut in your mouth you sort of pretend

you're not eating yoghurt. Well, that's the thing. You're going to get caught out now because we're recording these. So we're going to get better cameras as the year goes on, but we're recording these. And you look like Doc from Back to the Future of Your Hair. What do you mean? So basically what we're doing is we're recording.

Why is my hair like that? I know. It's just going to be quite funny because we're recording ourselves, but we don't like seeing each other so we're minimizing zoom yeah but what you do is josh when the show's on you put your hands through your hair and it gets bigger and bigger and you don't realize you're doing it because the camera's off but this would be quite interesting and you're gonna get a lot of video footage of me just sort of looking around the room like that when you're talking but i'm still listening it's just who i am josh yeah just who you are exactly who i am so we've been listening it's a new series um we're back it's a new year we're going to talk about your christmas end of your second part of

your christmas in your new year josh and then on friday i'll talk about the second part of my christmas a new year and we'll be back with guests next week but we do want to hear from you if there's anything you want from the podcast, any things you want to know more about, or we don't cover, or things we forgot to update you on. So any things that you want to hear us talk about, let us know.

Because, you know, we're here to serve you. I'm not listening back. So there's no point in me doing things. No, it's very difficult for me and Rob to critique the show. Yeah. I am categorically not watching it or listening to it and also the most galling thing i love podcasts this is one of the few podcasts i never listen to the greatest tragedy josh is you'll never be able to experience your own gifts and talent that's the real tragedy of josh winnicombe is you'll never be able to buy a josh winnicombe ticket the problem for me rob

is i'm the only comedian peddling the kind of 90s nostalgic shit that I'd be really into. You'd love you. I'd love me. I'd love me. Would you like your act? I think I would. The thing is when sometimes comedians get told off

for laughing at their own jokes, it's sort of a bit of a thing. I just sort of think, well, if I don't think it's funny, what's the point? Yeah. I've got to find it funny haven't i there's no point bringing it up exactly um well welcome to the new year we should also say yes we've got a really exciting thing that we are launching as part of the show this year that we're just going to tease that we just tease towards the end that's another new feature oh yeah yeah yeah that's that's coming later in the year so better quality video cameras are coming a better quality mic send me the link to that mic and i'll get it yeah and i was gonna say michael wants me to get one on an arm like i'm a kind of american shock jock i've got an arm i've

got it so my setup at the moment i've got headphones from my old iphone when it used to take a headphone jack yeah i'd probably say 2011 yeah i've got an arm thing that i bought off amazon for 5.99 uh which is i'd i'll be honest if you're not fit for purpose really doesn't really stand the right position and i've got a microphone that i found in my drawer that i got given from something that's that's the situation be honest rob did you steal it from radio 2 let's not get bogged down about which radio station but if the timeline

matches up then but there's a reason why you left Dave Berry might be knocking down my door yeah anyway

so what you been up to Josh how's parenting been is your daughter back at school now we're recording this on the 5th of Jan the 5th of Jan

my daughter is back been back at school for 45 minutes right as i speak some people start kids broke up really late didn't they this year up north my mates in newcastle the kids were like still in school till like the 22nd 23rd yeah yeah exactly kids don't go back till monday and right it's been a very nice christmas it's been yeah a very busy christmas okay so we what we've done is we rack and stacked people back to back so there's barely been a day when we haven't got people in our house of some sort right yeah you've hosted you're the host of

the most you love a host we've hosted more than romesh has in the last year that is how much we've posted sure sure okay so um i should say what i've done again rob is i've written down some headlines from my last week since we met on uh the day after boxing day yep and i thought i'd do again i've got the headlines and you can choose the stories in order oh yeah come on and are on. And are you going to make these headlines? We've learned from this. We have to try and make it exciting. Yeah, I've written down the stories and then I've written a more fun version of the headline. Right, okay, that's great.

Oh, look at... Okay, this is good. This is good. New year, new us. No alarm. Okay. So the first one is called Not Again. Like that one?

Excited by that one? Is that the fun one? Yeah, that's the fun one come on okay i'm sorry i thought you were gonna give me the the headline and then the the interesting all right not this again well that doesn't help right wait for the next one okay go on you shouldn't do that in the bath right that's good okay yeah you buying that? Yeah. Duck disaster. Duck disaster. Okay. I'm intrigued. Animal or crouching.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. How many pestos? Oh. And the final one is baby raver. Baby raver. Okay. I'd say that that's fine.

I think that could be... I think you couldn't work for a tabloid with those. No, no. Do you think I need to punch them up a bit more? Not this a fucking, Gen. Yeah. You shouldn't do that in the fucking bath. Yeah, you're just saying fucking.

Oh, no, a bloody dark shit. Oh, my God, I'm drowning in pesto. Oh, drowning. See, that's made it. I think you're missing a little bit more jeopardy in the headline. That's all I'm saying. Or a pun. So what are you going to go with?

Can we go for pestos, please? So, Rob, we're going to go back in with some high-end, you know. The audience are here for high drama. Yep. I cleaned out my fridge, Rob. Okay, okay. Here we go. Right, yep.

What kind of fridge have you got? A little one-doorer? It's a one-door for the fridge and then a door next to it for the freezer. Full-length, both of them? Full-length, both of them. Nice. Full-length freezer is a real treat. one door uh it's a one door for the fridge and then a door next to it for the freezer full length both of them full length both of them nice yeah full length freezer is a real treat fridge fridge bigger than freezer and then the top shelf of the fridge is jars jars yeah classic always weird though because they're heavy really they should be low minor top as well you can kill someone if you drop one of them on a baby yeah and also what am I doing there? Yeah. And also, they're not the thing you need.

Yeah, you're right. Talk me through the arrangement of your fridge, Rob. Happy New Year. Top shelf, jars. Correct. And then bottom drawer, vegetables and fresh stuff. There's a little drawer. Those plastic drawers, they're called something like the vegetable freshening drawers.

Yeah. As if they do anything. It's got some sort of high-end science behind it. It's full of fucking water whenever I go near it. I don't know why. Don't sound very fresh to me. It's like first lockdown, me washing my salad. And then the middle is a bit of a mishmash.

But if we're on top of it we have a sort of dairy sort of a couple of dairy ones but it's like yogurts and stuff like that and then below it is all cheese and then we have sort of cooked meats and then there'll be like a raw meat little shelf and then milk and the heavy things at the bottom that needs to go in like on their side before they're open to go in the door a bit. But if I'm honest, it just turns into an absolute free-for-all after a while. Yeah, it's a total free-for-all. Jars is clear.

Veg is clear. We've got a cheese drawer at the top of our drawer. Okay, sure. Yeah. Eggs in there? Eggs in there or are they on the side? Eggs in the door. Eggs in the door.

Oh, no, we go room temp egg. Do you? Yeah, I've heard about these people. We're not refrigerating an egg, mate. They've been stuck on the chicken's ass. They'll be all right. The chicken tried to keep it warm, if anything. Exactly.

Unless it's got a cold ass. I've never been near one. Couldn't tell you, but they look warm. So, went through the jars, Rob. Yeah, go on. I'm not going to give you a guess on this because I don't want you to ruin it by going too high. It's a classic.

Yeah. Six. Six old pestos. Six pestos. Too much pesto. That six half-finished pestos in the fridge. Is there mould in there at any point? In some of them.

Yeah. Yeah. They've all just shimmied to the back. Do you know what I mean? I've never done a full jar of pesto. No one's ever done a full jar of pesto before No one's ever done a full jar of pesto, Rob. It's too much pesto. Just do smaller.

They should do smaller pesto jars like they do with baked beans. You know, the little ones. You might quite. Do you know what, Rob? Do you know what? This just dropped my memory. I tried material on this in the last tour and it didn't go anywhere. What, pesto jars?

Oh, no. And the fact no one's ever finished a pesto. Oh, no, John. What the hell? Well, that made a pesto. Oh, John. What the fuck? Well, that made the show. No, of course not. Oh, okay, okay. It's obviously I've seen it.

I just can't remember that bit. Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah. So six pestos. Can people at home beat me for six pestos in your fridge no there's no one more middle class than you that listens to this with six pestos or the space for six or six or a worse haul when you're cleaning out your fridge for an amount of things jams i think something like a jam yeah maybe i don't think anyone's gonna be anything in a anything in a jar that you've got

more than six of that can't be beaten josh you've got more than six of. That can't be beaten, Josh. You've got as many pestos as I've got bins. Doesn't that just sum us up as people? Yeah, so next one, right? Is that done or have you got more on that? No, no. Well, I did when I was trying to get the stand-up show away, but actually none of it proved worthwhile. I'd totally forgotten forgotten that bit i might try it next time i do a tour

anyway i told my mum off the other day for telling me a bad anecdote did you yeah i just i haven't got the time for it what was the anecdote i was on a plane and um i had my headphones in the little earpod things you know wires and she said, oh, those little wireless ones. I went, yep. But I've had to take, she gets bored. So I've had to take my headphone out to talk to her because she's bored now. She had to sleep. Yeah.

And she goes, oh, yeah. So my neighbour, he said to me, I've lost one of my little AirPods. I thought I dropped it by your car, but I can't find it anywhere. Can you have a look for it? And she went, well, anyway, later on, I went in and told Dave. And I said, oh oh he ran in next door he's lost his ear pod little black

little headphone thing and my dad went oh I saw that by the car floor and I put it in the car didn't know what it was and I went mum I don't want to hear that

that's what is that that's not a story is it Josh what did she say when you said that I went is that all the story? She went, yeah.

I went, it's not good enough, Mum. It's not good enough. It's not. We operate in the Beckett's a high level of banter. And that's not, I'm afraid, life's too short to be interrupted to be told that. If it come up in conversation, I'd half let her off. But to force someone into a conversation they don't want to have on a plane,

I don't think that's enough. I don't know it's ever going to come up in conversation as well, to be honest. Unless you lost one AirPod, then I'd say fair enough. Fair enough. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, sorry, go on, Josh.

Do you know what? Someone left their AirPods at my house. Oh, God, this is... Oh, here we go. All right, Sue Beckett. All right, Sue Beckett. All right, Sue Beckett. Is that what's going to happen if either of us goes down a blind alley now?

Well, no, that's the thing. My mum's great. She's got great chat. She's a good anecdotalist. Anyone who's heard the audiobook knows that she can absolutely turn them out. Exactly. When I've got respect for you,

I'll pull you up on it. If I don't pull you up on it, then I just know you've got nothing. You got nothing in the tank it's like shouting at a footballer that's not good enough there's no point there's nothing there's nowhere for him to go i know my mum's got the minerals she just needs to believe in herself more i go do you know what i've got better ones than that back yourself and she will and she'll come back from this and she'll get a good run of form when are you next seeing her? In about two weeks. Okay. Remember to give us on the podcast an update on what anecdote your mum leads with and whether it goes down well.

Whether she's pulled herself together. Yeah, sure. Fair enough. Yeah, I'll get one off her. Don't you worry about that. I've actually got quite a good anecdote from my mum that she gave me about my dad. Oh, yeah, go on. Hit me up.

Right, so my dad burnt his nose, right? He's got a big burn on his nose, right? And all pseudocreme all around his nose, right? He looks like he's been, like burn on his nose right and all pseudo cream all around his nose right he looks like he's been like bobbing for apples in a trifle right his nose is covered in cream how's his nose here it comes my mom told me this he the kettle was boiling in a hotel room no he he thought it was burning. It was just, he just thought the kettle was burning. It was broken. It was burning.

And there was all smoky, steamy stuff coming out of it. And he thought, oh, is that steam from it boiling? Or is that smoke from a fire? Oh my God, that is incredible.

So he went up to the kettle, sniffed it. Guess what it was? It was steam. It was was? It was Steve. It was Steve. It was Steve. Fucking moron. That is incredible.

When he used to fix the washing machine, if it was broken, he'd leave the electrics on because he wouldn't know if he'd fixed it or not, if the electrics were off. Yeah. So he'd fix the one would it'd be in a pool i've seen him be thrown across the the kitchen on the floor in a pool of water being electrocuted because he was doing it with it on god he cuts himself all the time on stuff and that he's like that if he ever does anything garden he'll come back with a cut arm he just he just i don't know what it is and he's a kettle he just thought i want to find out if that's burning or not. I better smell it.

And what he did was sniff boiling steam. Incredible. Absolutely incredible. Sorry, yeah, go. But that, you know, it's punchy. It's better than a lost headphone, isn't it? Right, let's get back to yours. Baby Ravers?

Baby Raver. Okay, this is a video. So we've put some toys in my son's cot to try and delay him in the morning some toys in there for when he wakes up yeah yeah oh here's another anecdote i've just found on on my phone i look rob do you want to stop calling them anecdotes it's putting some pressure on them okay i've just got to tell you this yeah i've got a friend who i would say is more your more your type of person than mine but i love him right okay he texted me can you imagine something less like me i got engaged recently are you coming to my stag do's i'm gonna have three i like him yeah i said i saw congratulations

three stag do's. What are you thinking? Like, what do you think for them? Number one, Vegas, open brackets, or cheap European alternative. Lost his nerve quite quickly on that, didn't he? Yeah, he's already backed out. Number two. Has he got kids? No.

Number two, messy London pub crawl for the oldies. Yep. Number three, Butlins. He don't need three of them. I get the London one and then one further afield for, buttlings. You don't need three of them. I get the, I get the London one and then one further afield for older people

or people that don't want to travel and haven't got as much money. But what, what's buttlings? Chucked in at the end. Yeah, I was like, what,

buttlings? And he replied, yeah, done buttlings in the summer. 90s garage weekender, artful dodger, fucking class. I think he should just do Butlins.

Do you think they'll just sign you up for all three of them, Rob? I think it's a bit of a soft sell on Butlins. What do you mean? He wants Butlins

but I think if he's got mates like you he thinks you're going to be snobby about it. So he's sort of floating Vegas European but actually he wants to go Butlins

and then get pissed up in London and I want to come. My brother that is stuck doing Butlins it's a great laugh. Yeah, well to come. My brother that is stacked in butlins. It's a great laugh. Yeah.

Well, there we go. We all dressed up as wrestlers. Did you? Yeah. I went to Stone Cold Steve Austin. Did you? Which one's the Stone Cold? I don't, I'm not into wrestling.

Ball bloke in a vest. Yeah, no, so it was fun. It is fun. I reckon he should do London for oldies and people that can't get away for the weekend and then do butlins. I just think I'm going to just do London, Rob. I've got...

Imagine me going to Rose. I'm sorry I'm away for three weekends. Can I say something to you, Josh? You'll be more famous in Victoria Park with your child than in Butlins. No one will give a fuck. It's like me going to the British Museum. I'll be left alone all day.

Right. I'm going to send you a. I'll be left alone all day. Right. I'm going to send you a video now, Rob. This is... So we left some toys in my son's cot in the hope of him just entertaining himself in the morning. And he now does it. But we can hear them, obviously. And so one of them is the stick.

You know the stick from Hey Dougie and the stick song? Yeah. So basically my son's having a rave on his own every morning let me just send this to you this is what comes through the kids go mad for the stick song when you see Hey Dougie live this is what you're woken up with at 7am can I just stop

us for a second though Josh the glory days we get up at like 7 now remember my mum was still getting up with me at 4am for about four more years. I know. It's mental. But, yeah, here we go. So he just sits there playing that and it's coming on the monitor? He sits there playing that and dancing to it for about 45 minutes.

Brilliant. Can you just... Can you mute the monitor? Well, we could turn off the monitor, Rob, but... Turn off the monitor? You'll be able to hear him if he cries. You'll be able to hear him. Do you think we're actually post-monitor?

Are we in a world of post-monitor? No, but I don't think you need to have the volume on the monitor when a child's playing with a stick toy for 45 minutes in the morning. Do you think? Just turn the volume off. You can still watch him. Oh, my God, I'm going to do it. I'm not going to watch him.

So what are you doing at the moment, then? You're just watching for 45 minutes? No no i just go back to sleep because i can sleep through it do you know what i mean i can turn the volume off you'll hear him open your door you'll hear him if he cries yeah oh my god rob it's fucking brilliant mate it's so good i know we're not going to talk about good things but i know we're not going to talk about things that go right in parenting but the lion of the extra 45 minutes from him playing with that and his eagle toy is unbelievable. So what time does your daughter get up?

About seven, half seven. You're living a fucking charmed life. You are. I know Rob. My kids are up at six every day. You know, some kids are go getters and will achieve stuff in life.

Others will be a little lazy. Do you know what I mean? So it's what you want from your kid. Really? every day. You know, some kids are go-getters and will achieve stuff in life. Others will be a little lazy and lay about in bed all morning. Do you know what I mean? So it's what you want from your kid, really. Suffer now and then in the future,

you know, otherwise, you know, they'll be there at 25 still laying in fucking bed and losers. Exactly, mate. Exactly. No, no, it's fine.

It's fine. I'm quite happy with that. Quite happy with that. Do you want, you shouldn't do that in the bath, duck disaster or not again? Okay, let or um not again okay let's go um not again let's build towards bath okay not again not against your weakest headline by the

way yeah i know and it's the weakest anecdote as well but i just thought i needed to tell you this because i thought you'd absolutely destroy me for it okay i did seven straight days in victoria park rob why josh seven straight days every morning just what you are you are living in a self-imposed lockdown we're in 2023 you're in march 2020 josh why are you doing it it must be so boring in March 2020, Josh. Why are you doing it? It must be so boring. Rob, it's so boring.

Josh, drive him to another park. Why can't... No, but... So, I can't be bothered to drive him to another park. Why is another park any better than Victoria Park? Because it's different. A park's a fucking park.

Yes, but otherwise you'll go insane and start eating your own shit, Josh. I would. Or at least drive him to a shopping centre and walk around the shops with him or something. Inside, warm. The thing is, he just needs to be run like a dog.

This is the thing. How long are you in the park for? Couple of hours. It's not a way to... I just don't think it's a way to live, Josh. There must be other things you can do with him. It's a lean board. Soft play.

Book the soft play. Take him soft play. He'll love that. I know, but I never get round to it. You've had seven fucking days soft, Josh. Should we get round to it? Just drive to a soft play and pay four quid, eight quid, or whatever it is.

But I don't. You don't? Yeah, we know you don't. Why? I don't know why.? Yeah we know you don't Why? I don't know why It's so weird Josh It's really fucking weird And everyone's thinking it

And I'll say it to your face It's really fucking weird Just to take a one and a half year old To a park every day for two hours It's good that you're getting him You can't let the kids get a go The kids are gonna It's gonna be like California man this kid

he doesn't know there's another world there's a film called California man where the caveman is unfrozen in LA and he has to experience the world and he doesn't know how to live in it a bit like Demolition Man when he's still in the future he's gonna go to school

and kids are gonna be saying things to him. He's like, what? All his world is to par. My dog has had more days out than your kid. He's been down to Whitstable for a run. He loves it. It was Christmas. I know, but look, it's a bit of fresh air,

but I do think you could change it. You'll enjoy it more. Yeah, I know, but look, it's still a bit of fresh air, but I do think you could change it. You'll enjoy it more. Yeah, I know, Rob. But the first three days, I really enjoyed. Okay, fair. So what, did you do the same lap round and then the same sweep? No, I mix it up, Rob. There's a big park and a small park.

There's two different cafes. Okay, fair enough. Two separate duck ponds. So you can sort of go into different places of it. Maybe it's a bigger park, but I just think surely like a soft play. If you stick him in a soft play, I mean, I suppose, yeah, you can run around that and you can just have a coffee. I know the soft play, the nearest soft play doesn't have parking.

How far is that soft play? Soft play doesn't have parking. I'm in that Softplay? Softplay doesn't have parking. I'm in zone two, Rob. Oh, it's a terrible place. No parking. You just saw people just walking to the Softplay. All sad with their buggy in the cold. Getting the bus.

Oh, God. Seven days in a row. So what are you doing with him today? Is he back at nursery now? Oh, he's back at nursery, Rob. Yeah. One of the three places he's been. No, I've taken him to the Westfield, Rob.

Fair enough, you've been to the Westfield. I've taken him to Epping Forest. Okay, you've done a few, yeah. Maybe I'm being a bit harsh. Look, I'd say one, it is a difficult age because they can't let your honourable time, if you know somewhere that's safe

and they enjoy it. He brings his fucking shoes into this kitchen if it's 10am and he hasn't left the house. And I think, oh God, I haven't planned for this. And again,

I'm just going to the park. Maybe, maybe, if you took him somewhere different. I can anticipate that that's going to happen. Well, you know that's going to happen, but if you took him somewhere different I can anticipate that that's going to happen well you know that's going to happen but if you took him somewhere different he might be more mentally stimulated and more tired

because there's new stuff going on oh he's always tired Rob oh is he okay so you take him to the park he's out like a bloody light he sleeps alright but every morning

like fucking groundhog day he brings his shoes he brings his shoes and I go to the park and on about day six that was the first day i i took the headphones out guilt-free yeah guilt-free headphones on fair enough guilt-free headphones on and did your daughter not want to come she's not bought she's done she's done my daughter if you didn't ask her if she wanted to go out, she would never leave the house. In her whole life, she's never suggested leaving the house.

When we had COVID and we were locked in for 10 days, it didn't even... She didn't even notice. Really? She's more than happy with all the toys, the craft, the TV, the dressing up, etc. in the house. She doesn't give a shit about going out.

My son hates his own home. Well, look, if he enjoys the park every day and it's easy, do it. But I just think for your own end. You're right. I'm going to mix it up. I'm going to mix it up this weekend.

I think we're signing him up to kiddie kicks as well. Oh, that would be good. Yeah, that would be. I just think. Do you know where that is, Rob? Where's that? Victoria Park? Yeah.

Yeah, of course. But that's fine. The park's not the problem. At least he's doing something different there. But I know what it's like, though. I forget now mine are a bit easier and a bit older. But when you find something they like and you know it's going to tire them out and it's stress-free but it is quite like i'm a bit more chilled about it but lou i hate that sometimes

doesn't want to go somewhere new or park somewhere she's always taking the kids places but if you do find it a bit you get a bit anxious about taking them somewhere new i totally get it but i think you'll enjoy it more if you don't get anxious rob i'm just disorganized right okay that's different okay i don't get anxious couldn't give a shit drive anywhere but you just haven't booked it fair enough yeah i tell you what though there's a double swing in the park rob where one one heart is meant to be for two kids but you can put one kid on it and the adult can go on the other half of the swing and you're guilt-free swinging oh so, what I'd say as well, Josh, is like, if anyone had an excuse to go and do other things for content, it would be me and you.

Yes. He's not going to fucking enjoy the fucking city farm. It's not about them enjoying it. It's about you not enjoying it and reporting back. Well, that's why I'm going to the park, Rob, because I knew you'd haul me over the coals. But, yeah. Yeah yeah Yeah well maybe challenge yourself Once a week

Do something different with him Well I'm Obviously normally I'm not doing 14 days in a row with him Rob Duck disaster happened in the park Duck disaster Okay here it goes

That was park-based. Yeah. He had his roll stolen by a duck. I've never seen anything like it. What kind of roll? Pesto? No, like a kind of bun. I bought him a bun from the cafe.

He was holding it. A duck literally walked up and stole it out of his hand and waddled off. And he gave chase. It was like a fucking Beano cartoon. We couldn't believe it had happened. Did he catch it? No, of course it's a duck. It can go...

It's like chasing a hovercraft. The moment they go in the water, you're fucked. Did you chase it as well? Out of instinct, like straight off the bat? No, I chased him to make sure he didn't go in the water.

So there was like a duck being chased by a baby being chased by a man and then a pram just left in the middle of the road. I'd love it as well if you'd forgot

your card as well and then the person at the bakery is chasing you with your card. That'd be a full sitcom part. Oh, did the duck enjoy the bun?

It's quite sugary but, you know, I suppose I shouldn't have given it to my 18-month-old son. Yeah, if it's too much for a duck, then your kid should be having it, really. I think that's the rule. Yeah, it was big in its mouth. I'm sorry, not mouth, beak.

Well, no, they've got the beak on the end, the rest of it, but it must be the mouth inside the beak. They've still got mouths, haven't they? Do ducks have mouths? Here we go. 2023, it's coming't they ducks have mouths here we go 2023 it's coming do ducks have mouths um here we go the duck pulls the vegetator into its mouth yeah yeah i've got a mouth i always make a little bet with myself as to what michael's going to call the episode never get it right and this time it's do ducks have mouths um right next one is the bath yeah we're gonna roll it i think you get your little headlines, Josh. It's quite fun, isn't it? Is this subtle PR for your new show in Nish

where you become local journalist? No, but do watch that. It's all available as a Sky box set, Rob. Is it? Yeah. What is the show, Josh and Nish? It's called Hold the Front Page. It's out on Sky.

Thank you for all the nice comments, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah. I hate new shows coming out, Rob. I hate it. Yeah, yeah. I find it exposing. I find it awkward. But I'm trying to be more Beckett.

Yeah, mate. Because Rob Beckett is cool as a cucumber when things come out. You just go, yeah, fine, whatever. What will be will be. Well, it is what it is. People either like it or they don't, Josh. It's a waste of time. And I'm like, but what if what will be will be is not what I want to be?

Yeah, yeah. But then there's still nothing you can do about it. You just have to accept it. No, there's nothing. So I'm being more Beckett. All right, OK. So I'm chilled out about it. Yeah, you sound it.

Also, Rob, it's been really... Do you know what's been really exciting, Rob? Go on. When I turn on my sky... Yeah. It's just, for the last week, it's been you, and then it's been Romesh, and then it's been Romesh and Catherine, and then it's been Catherine, and then it's been me and Nish.

Yeah. We're like the main people now. I tell you what, Sky, I love a blonde boy and an Asian, don't they? They love a blonde boy and an Asian. They're like dog breeders trying to get a cockapoo out of us. So do watch it. Yeah, watch that. Yeah, I did the one show to promote it, Rob.

I've got to tell you this. Oh, go on. You went on the one show without me. Yeah, well, because I'm allowed on it without you, Rob. Oh, yes. Have we spoke about this? Yeah, I think we did. You got banned from the one show

and then you went on without me. Unbelievable. Yeah. So I was on the one show last night the end of the one show is i think that the hosts of the one show do an incredible job i find it the most chilled out show i'm ever on because i'm like they're going to talk to me for about three minutes and then go to a vt and i just sit here and then so i'm on there um uh talk about hold the front page and then it gets the end i talk about we talked about our tour as well rob and the hand yeah alex jones said to me oh yeah i'm doing your podcast in two weeks i was like yeah i know i had no idea she was but i was

delighted that's good though she'll be a great guest Who else was presented? JJ Jermaine Genas Oh yeah We've had him on as well We've had him on And he said He said to me I keep getting stopped In the street by people Because of your podcast

Thank you very much Because normally All they want to talk to me About is football So it gets to the end Of the one show Rob You know when they've got Another minute left

And they do the texts in Or the tweets in Yeah yeah yeah The gear change Between the two tweets Is like nothing i've ever seen in my life go on see i i struggle that's why i struggle on it though because i my face goes before my brain stopped i just can't but i'm so glad i wasn't in shot i couldn't believe

this happened yeah alex jones because you're like i'd say this is the best piece of presenting to be able to do this change. Yeah. Alex Jones. We've got a tweet from Paul who says, I love Josh's comedy and I can't wait for his new show. And I'm going to say it, probably, thanks, Paul, but not if that's the best tweet you're getting in. Yeah, there's not a lot of options. We need one from Josh and then one...

Thank you, Paul. So, can I tell you something, Josh? Can I tell you something Josh can I tell you something they've made the producers have made that up no one's message that's the panic generic one

because I thought it was odd that the guy that briefed me earlier was called Paul as well but um I've seen all your stuff had to do it

for the research on the show great time you're here so let's quickly run through what we're going to do today so you're sat there Alex Jones goes got a tweet from Paul Great to have you here. So let's quickly run through what we're going to do today. So you're sat there. Alex Jones goes, got a tweet from Paul. I love Josh's comedy and can't wait for his new show.

And then Jermaine Genis goes, we've got a tweet from Susan who says, my daughter was badly burned by an exploding candle. And so I'm glad you've covered this on the show. Thank you for watching the show tonight. I'm like fucking hell. Yeah how do you say it because you're going all jolly from the comedian to something that brutal. Because it cut to me on the jolly first one I was like

smiling away. The moment Gina started I couldn't believe it was happening. Well also people that have just tuned in that may not know you may think well he's either comedian or he's either bloke that's been speaking about exploding candles. I know it was like if you hadn't caught the start of the show i've been bad anyway that is the whole show though i don't know if it is a good sign of presenter or it's a sign that someone could be a sociopath if they wanted to be well well we'll

ask alex when she's on i'm gonna ask alex and go look i we think it one it is great presenting that's a given. However, to be able to do that, do you think you could also be a sociopathic killer? To move between that emotion like that. What point in the interview do you think we should drop that in? Opening question? I'm happy to open with that.

Okay, cool. And I think Alex will take that on the chin and take it well. Yeah, I think so. She'll laugh at anything. She's put up with a lot of shit on that show. She has. I tell you what. Talk about Harry Kane at Tottenham. But the fact that she has presented for that show

with some absolute shit. And she's carrying... Where were you on it, Rob? I presented it once. And the whole time was Rob if you're yourself here you're going to end your career and I don't think that's the best way to approach a job

if you relax and be yourself this is the end of your career I'm alright as a guest sometimes but presenting it I just think it's too... I can't do the serious jumps well enough. No.

I think you would have struggled with reading out that tweet at the end. Yeah, I mean, yeah. And there's a reason why, when the Queen sadly passed, I had a little break from radio too. I can't do... I cannot do morning. It's awkward because your kids get up at 6am. Oh, yes.

We're back. We're back. We're 2023. I just squirted some water in my mouth on the camera because I was showing off. Oh, yeah. Nice. Clip that up.

Clip that up. Clip it. Clip it. I've done something good, Daddy. Clip me. Show me. Clip it up. Clip it up and get it viral.

Pathetic. Last one, Rob. Yeah, go on. clip me show me clip it up clip it up and get it viral pathetic last one Rob yeah go on my son did a shit in the bath five days on the bounce the boy needs

to get out of that park that's not related it's not a dirty protest he's not Bobby Sands well I think they get into a bit of a routine and he's too young to sort of tell you isn't he so It's not a dirty protest. He's essentially living in solitary. He's not Bobby Sands. Well, I think they get into a bit of a routine. And he's too young to sort of tell you, isn't he? So what's dislodged the... Excuse the pun.

What's changed it up? He stopped. He just stopped. Or I thought he did. Day six, I was like, I'm ready for this. Because I talked about the first couple of days on here, didn't I? But it continued. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'd got into a routine, fish it out early get him out

because you toyed with leaving it in there didn't you for a bit yeah well I did do that and it was an error quick advice to listeners if anyone shits in the bath get it out straight away is that what you're saying that's what I'd say human, animal or adult or child if there is shit in the bath,

get it out as soon as possible. Sure, ASAP. That sounds like a bit in the one show, actually. That sounds like one of their consumer bits. Thank you very much to Josh Whitaker, who's been talking about how to remove excrement from a bath, whether it be from a child or adult. Now, anyway, here is Ian McKellen to talk about his new panto

So, he just stopped I think the hot water relaxed him And he just got into a routine of it Anyway The last day of it Took him out, I'm like, I've beaten it He's not shat in the bath Took him into his room

Was just setting him up to change his nappy. He stood up. I look up and there is some shit coming out of his bum. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. I've just got a text that is perfect for this show. Go on.

Rosa's just texted me. Our son just opened the car door on a motorway. You've not put the child lock on? Well, I don't know. He's only 18 months. Who's driving then? She can't drive. No, she's being driven to the... She's driving with a mate to the vets. Right, okay.

So, yeah. Our cat's got to go to the vets today. Right, cat's got to go to the vet. Beryl? Yeah, she's just got to have her kidneys flushed. Is that regular then, the flushing of the kidneys? cats today like cats go to the vet beryl yeah she's just got to have her kidneys her kidneys um flushed yeah is that regular then the flushing of the kidneys every uh every quarter i mean that's a good friend do you mind driving me and my um 18 month old and beryl the cat to the vet she's a good friend i'll get more details on that next time for the next podcast lovely your cat is getting

more time out of the house than your child. Well, no wonder he tried to open the door, mate. He was on the A12. He couldn't believe. He's like a prisoner. He's trying to escape. Yeah, this is my child.

So he had poo coming out of his arse. Yeah. Okay. I was like, oh God, no. So I wiped that and then I looked around and there was just a perfect Log in the middle of the floor Oh he'd done it as you carried him out Well I don't know it was just on the bedroom floor

I'd just been faffing And he'd just done a perfect log in the middle of the bedroom floor And do you know what That is worse than in the bath Yeah You don't ever think you'll miss your son pooing in the bath But that's That's what you got to

You were longing for the days. That's the world I'm living in. Oh, why, why, why can't it just be back when he was shitting in the bath? And had it got into the carpet or could you get it up quick? Do you know what? It was perfectly formed, so it didn't even leave a mark on the carpet. Did you give it a wipe or just didn't even need to? I did give it a wipe. Yeah. Because I, well, let's put it this way. I'm going to say on the show that I gave it a wipe Or just didn't even need to I did give it a wipe

Yeah Because I Well You did it did you Let's put it this way I'm going to say on the show That I gave it a wipe You did give it a wipe did you

I didn't give it a wipe no So you haven't cleaned shit up Off the floor I gave it a wipe You didn't give it a wipe I So that's the end of the episode You didn't give it

Are we going to do a small business shout out You didn't give it a wipe What You didn't wipe it out no there was no mark have you heard about germs have i heard about germs you can't always see them oh here he comes mr muscle just saying i i would have give it a spray or something yeah maybe i'll go and do it now or you can't no no no when was it give it a little just to say you've done it does rose know there was a poo on the floor oh she will now oh yeah

she knows there was a poo on the floor yeah but she would have assumed that you'd cleaned it it's be quite interesting to hear what she says about this well maybe we will at some point yeah okay fair enough um right um should we do a small piece of shout out yeah rob i've got to say it i loved being back it feels good it feels fresh it's good to have that little break ah here we go oh this is a good one for you rob go on dear rob and josh big fans of the podcast books and stand up and have tickets to come see you at the o2 next year could you please shout for my sister's coloring book series to help with mental health? She's just starting. Go on.

You love colouring, don't you? I do. And you do find it helps with mental health. She trained as an illustrator, but life and kids took over, and she's coming back swinging with books to help adults. Her colouring books are full of humour and positivity to support mental health and mindfulness. You can search her name on Amazon. Roisin, or Roisin, Odoity.

So that is R-O-I-S-I-N O-D-O-H-E-R-T-Y. R-O-I-S-I-N space O-D-O-H-E-R-T-Y. And all three of her books should pop up. Two of the books are for adults, but other is family friendly. Thank you very much, Rich. That is good, isn't it, Rob? Very good for mental health are you still coloring i said color i'm still coloring baby um yeah i've got a little book in my bag i did loads when i was in australia it's hard to do it when uh you've got the kids over christmas because they want to join in and they ruin it a bit josh they're not they're

good coloring us but they're just not they're just not operating at my level they're not yet they'll get there they'll get there but it's good um so i've been coloring in on their on their stuff um right here we go hello i'm a long time listener first time writer inna i'd like to take a shout out for two of my close friends who run a virtual reality arcade in oxford called reality drop vr It's only the two of them and they've managed to create a small but successful business from scratch. So they cater for all ages and can set up corporate events offsite too.

Think work Christmas parties where you can be immersed in another world. You can find them on Instagram, VR Reality Drop. Thank you for the shout out. I've been listening to your podcast for a couple of years now and I have to hide my giggles

when I'm in the gym or out for a walk. Kate now And I have to hide my giggles when I'm in the gym Or out for a walk Can I say something Josh? A lot of people say they laugh when they run And they love going for a run and listening How the fuck can anyone be in a position To laugh while running When I'm running I'm just surviving

Yeah I am so far from laughing I've never laughed when I've ran In my life. No. It's just not a place to laugh. I did laugh last time I ran, Rob. Yeah. But I was chasing a child who was chasing a duck

who had a button in his mouth. Yeah, but if you go for it, I just... Well done. If you're fit enough to be able to run, listen to something and laugh, fucking well done. But I just... I've never been able to listen to something and laugh fucking well but i just i've never been able to listen to something and laugh while running but then again we i don't listen to this no exactly it's not for us

so maybe maybe maybe we're the anomaly and we can't listen back so you know maybe that's it but well done if you're running and you're going out there and you're starting your fitness regime this year remember it's a long process not instant results be kind to yourself take your time you'll get there eventually and join me on my journey i'm going to try i'm getting i'm getting fit like barlow this year josh it's happening oh yeah like kembalo like kemba no gary barlow nothing wrong with kembalo's body nothing wrong with kembalo's body but go full gazza. Yeah,

sure I had a curry last night, but it starts today, boy. It starts today. It starts today. Yes. I have loved being back together, Rob.

It's been an absolute pleasure. Yeah, and I'll tell you about what I've been up to, New Year and all that. I'm very excited. Did you do anything for New Year's Eve? Yes.

Let's talk about that as well. Why don't I weave that in next time? To my New Year's. Okay, let's do that. Right, see you later, mate. Bye.

Bye.