Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP12: Poodles and Noodles

Episode Date: February 17, 2023

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Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willickham. Welcome to Parenting Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to can you say Rob Beckett Rob Beckett and Josh Whittacombe Josh Whittacombe

good boy there we go good boy Davis Davis do you know what I love about having

the cameras on is how low rent they can see this is I know yeah I mean we should probably just put that out

I'm just holding my phone in front of a mic this is how I got given for free nine years ago have you got the cameras on so you can see them Rob no out I'm just holding my phone in front of a mic this is how I got given for free nine years ago have you got the cameras on so you can see them

Rob no no I've minimised it now but I could see that and I could just see a man in a hoodie in front of what looks like a boot sale

holding a phone what do you mean what looks like a boot sale how dare you no me I'm talking oh you sorry I thought you meant me

I'm talking about me you don't look like a boot sale. Yours looks like a dead grandad that hauls slightly. It's given us a new dimension I can slag off your room. Rob, can I make an observation, have you, about your room? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's too much on that clothes rail and it's really feeling... It's really struggling.

It's really struggling. It's really struggling. It's really struggling. Yeah, my life's a mess. That clothes rail is like a fucking cartoon. Don't do that. It's fine, mate. It was stunning as a rock. Also, this is your office, Rob.

It's Lou throwing you out. I know, it's horrible. You know, it's because we're in between moving, moving aren't we and we have been for ages because of planning permission let's not get into details and all this oh the bloody planners oh the planners that 50 foot gold statue of yourself doing raw variety come on guys it brings stuff to the area guys look do you want this to be a tourist destination or not? People travel here to see the bronze statue I'd commissioned of myself with a miniature version of Rommestad next to me. You seem tired, Rob.

I am tired. Let's talk about them and we'll talk about what this is. Let's talk about who that was. This is my three-year-old son, Davis, who was born just before lockdown. Davis? Davis, after Steve Davis? It's a surname, isn't it? Yeah.

No one knows who Steve Davis is anymore is anymore josh come on they do he's a legend but in reality young people don't know davis if you type in six world titles rob yes i know 40 years ago it wasn't 40 oh my god it was almost 40 years ago when did he win his titles the 80s yeah so 40 years ago oh my god oh my his titles? The 80s. Yeah, so 40 years ago. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. How? I'm 40 this year. Anyway, it's not the time to think about Steve Davis' world titles being 40 years ago. Well, actually, Joe Davis won more titles than Steve Davis, I think.

Have you just Googled it? Yeah, because Joe Davis comes up before Steve Davis. But he won them like 70 years ago, didn't he? Yeah, but some people will be going, yeah, but that was only 70 years ago. Everyone must know old Joe Davis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, all right. The point is...

Steve Davis. It's a website. Does he need it? You've done the jungle, mate. Fucking turn it in. Do you not know what he does now? He's a DJ, isn't he? Yeah, he's a DJ.

He's a really funny bloke, actually. Yeah, he's a lovely guy. Yeah, actually, more than 40 years ago. He's a really funny bloke, actually. Yeah, he's a lovely guy. Yep, actually, more than 40 years ago. 81 was his first one. Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. You turned around. Suddenly you know more about Steve Davis than I fucking do. Oh, I know loads.

No one knows who Steve Davis is. Suddenly you're giving me the years of his world titles. He's got a lot of nicknames. Do you want to know his nicknames? The Nugget. That's one of them. Yeah, that's one. Interesting.

Oh, interesting, yeah. Ginger Magician. That's not. No one's ever called him the Ginger Magician. That's one. Interesting. Oh, interesting, yeah. Ginger Magician. That's not. No one's ever called him the Ginger Magician. Romford Robot. Oh, yeah, yeah. Romford Slim and Golden Nugget. Golden Nugget.

Lovely. The man's a legend. He is. I do like Steve Davis. I once got stuck in a... This is a weird thing to bring up. Ah, come on. I once broke down in a classic car

while I was driving Steve Davis down a country lane. What was that for? Have I not brought that up yet? That's actually the fifth thing you've got on Steve Davis. Because I'd repressed the memory. That happened. He was brought in Plumstead. He used to go out with my auntie.

All right, mate. It's not anecdote top trumps. Come on, let's go head to head on a Steve Davis anecdote war. Go on, sorry, you're driving with it. I was filming

at Barry Hearn's house. Right. Right. Maskell's, the matchroom offices. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. It was when I used to host

fighting talk for Five Live and they were doing some kind of snooker promotion thing where it was me doing a fighting talk with steve davis and barry heard okay right and two other people from the time i can't remember off the top brutal i'll find it let's find out who it was our show business let's find out you forgot about this is a good thing about the internet we can find out who you don't care about and maybe they weren't from the time and that's why it's difficult for me to remember them. Well, no, no, no, no.

We'll find out. If I type in... If I type in talkdress with Barry Hearn, we should be able to find out who you don't care about. Oh, I did another one with him in Sheffield, so it's not that one. It's the one I did in his house. Not the live from special.

Oh, this is... Talk about the thing. Go on. So they wanted... Because it was filmed, I was going to turn up... Hazel Irvine. Oh, it was Richard Osman.

Yes, Richard. Oh, no, no, no. Don't get it now. You didn't care about Richard Osman and Hazel Irvine. Do you know why I remembered it was Richard Osman? Yeah. Because we had to turn up in a classic car and it was just too small for his legs.

It was too big. Yeah. Anyway, they wanted me to turn up with Steve Davis. That was a good listen, actually. That had some good people on there. Steve Davis is good. Barry Ernst is good. It's fine.

It's all good. Go snooker loopy. There we go. 15 minutes. That was? good listen, actually. That's some good people on there. Steve Davis is good. Barry Ernst is good. It's fighting till it goes snooker loopy. There we go. 15 minutes. That was? 15 minutes. Yeah. What a lot of effort for 15 minutes.

I'm telling you. Tell it me. Tell you what is a lot of effort. Getting to the end of this fucking anecdote. Anyway. Go on. I've given that. I told you what happened at the start.

It's like a film. We've shown the start. We what happened at the start. It's like a film. We've shown the start. We know where we're going. It's like Inception. We jump back and forward. So basically, you got stuck down a country with Steve Davis. Well, they wanted us to turn up in a car from like the early 80s when Snook was in his pomp. Yeah.

Me and Steve Davis. Go and drive down there. Turn around. Come back. I broke down. Steve Davis had to give me a push start and is that literally or figuratively you are did you did you just emotionally no i didn't break down i didn't break i broke down and said what the fuck is going on with my career this is

i've traveled so far for this it's 15 minutes i'm still the leg But no, the car broke down. So let's go back to Steve Davis. No, Davis the child. Yeah, yeah. I've got his phone number, by the way. Give him a bell. I'm not going to give him a bell. I've never got in touch with him.

I bet it's a landline. It's not a landline. He's got a mobile. We should get him on this. He'd be great. Has he got kids? Oh, let me find out. I'm sure he has.

Are there people at home who are still wondering who Steve Davis is is because i think this is the most complete walk through his career that's ever been i've even got into what my auntie thought of him okay still davis children greg davis and jack davis according to this oh well he doesn't look very much like his dad, does he, Greg Davis? Anyway. Big lad. Big lad. Hey, big lad. Wouldn't have got in that car, I'll tell you that for free. No, different Greg Davis, obviously, spelt different.

So, Davis to child. How are you spelling Davis to child? Like Steve Davis. Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What did your aunt think of going out with Steve Davis? I don't know if she went out with him when they was at school together, because they all grew up in Plumstead, but I think it might have been they just were in class together. But it always ble into like oh yeah we went out together she used ginger as well so maybe there was a connection

maybe there was back in the day it was a lot more dangerous being ginger and plums did in like yeah 70s yeah yeah yeah exactly i mean i'd say it's a much safer world to be ginger these days yes exactly wouldn't you i'd say the world's moved on yeah am i still reading this email yeah if you go hello welsh they are from hartfordshire it's very common no oh no no it's not it's not really so davis as a given first name it's not hugely popular do email in again and say where you got the name davis from this is my three-year-old son davis who was born just before lockdown your podcast has got me through the long night and a surprise pregnancy during the second lockdown

absolute legends please wish me luck as i'm taking my three-year-old and 19 month old boys to disney world oh exciting in march love it listen to rob's experience over and over again imagine listening to that over and over again, getting myself into preparation and the right mindset. But Josh, you know how difficult it is with a 19-month-old who's into everything they shouldn't be. Wish me luck. Love, Ashley from Hertfordshire.

Good luck, Ashley. Good luck, Ashley. Good luck, Davis. Also, you remember Wolfgang from a previous episode? Yeah. Because if they're German and Wolfgang's a normal name in Germany, some Germans have been in touch. No, it's like calling a child Kenneth, Yeah. Because if they're German and Wolfgang's a normal name in Germany, some Germans have been in touch. No, it's like calling a child Kenneth, apparently.

Right, okay. It's quite an older name, Wolfgang. It's quite an older name. Well, I'd love to hear why they've gone Wolfgang. I think Wolf is dying out a bit like Gary, isn't it, Wolfgang? Yeah. Old Wolfie.

Give us a bell. Now, Josh, we're doing this episode, this is a correspondent special because... We don't get through enough. Now. Yeah. You're tired. Yeah, I can't't get through enough. Now, you're tired. Yeah, I can't do mornings, mate. I couldn't do them in lockdown when I never worked in the evenings.

I'd lose a bit of weight and I'd get up at half six in the morning and it's just me with the kids and getting them ready for school, thinking about what they need. If it's taekwondo, if it's after school club, they need snacks. They need everything all packed up. What time have you got to get them out of the house? How long have you got? Well, you're allowed to drop them in between 8 a.m. and 8.20 a.m.

Oh, that's an early start, Rob. That is an early start. Sometimes I leave the house early and just sit in the queue of the car with them. Just to get... What do you mean? Just wait in the car? Yeah, like I'll leave at 5 to 8, but then just wait in the car for a bit. Just, I feel safer when they're all strapped in the car.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. But because it's a constant, like, dad car yeah yeah exactly because it's a constant like dad this dad dad like and it's just me i think i use up all of my ability to think by 8 30 a.m yes yes so the rest of the day i'm sort of a vacant vessel you're burned out before they yes yes yeah yeah yeah so i'm not very good. Well, I'd say anyone who saw your deep dive into Steve Davis would say that you're not a vacant vessel, Rob. There's more depth there that you've just plunged. Maybe I just need to be tickled in the right way. Exactly. So should we get on with some correspondence?

Let's do some correspondence. I'll try and push you through. No, we'll be all right. I'll be all right. I'm just, it's just, I can't think, Josh. Okay, Lee Chapman's been in touch. I don't know if it's that one. The former footballer. That one's Lee Sharp. No, Lee Chapman used to play for Leeds. Oh. Okay, Lee Chapman's been in touch. I don't know if it's that one. The former footballer.

That one's Lee Sharp. No, Lee Chapman used to play for Leeds. Oh, yeah, Lee Chapman. Even that was Leslie Ash, didn't he? Yeah, exactly, yeah. I mean, what an episode for people who aren't interested in sport from the 80s. Or, okay, but if you're into Leslie Ash,

what was Leslie Ash in? Men Behaving Badly. She was great in Men Behaving Badly. Right, okay, should we start talking about children and parenting because this is Men Behaving Badly. Right, okay. She starts talking about children and parenting because this is getting absolutely out of hand. Yes, okay. Are Lee Chapman and Leslie Ash, did they have kids? I've got no idea if Leslie Ash have got children.

Yes, two children with Leslie Ash. You're so quick on the mark with someone's Wikipedia. Oh, yeah. I'm all over it, mate. Yeah. Anyway. Why would you want Leslie Ash? Lee Chapman is emailed in.

All right, okay. Sorry. It's not my fault. Anyway, hello. I just listened to today's episode, Sad Dad's Disco, and thought, what about Glum Mums and Sad Dad Disco? So both mums and dads. Yeah, Glum Mums and Sad Dad's Disco, yeah.

Glum Mums, Sad Dad's Disco. That's quite fun, isn't it? But we're not going to do that club night. We're not going to do a club. Beforehand. But we can play the music in. The music, when people walk in for the live show. I'm happy to DJ that as the Sad Dads Disco.

Not on stage. Yeah, but then you're not re-DJing. You're just putting a Spotify playlist. Yeah, but we could say I'm DJing. Why don't you DJ the opening? Because I'll be shitting myself because I'm about to do the O2. Meanwhile, I'm trying to play fucking into the groove. So you thought about what you'd play?

Well, I've got things at my fingertips that I know I'd play if I'm in a situation where I want the dance floor to fill. So what are your first three songs? My first three songs? Yeah. I Regulate by Warren G I always open with. Really? Absolute winner.

I wouldn't say that's a Glum Mum Sad Dads kind of song, is it? Everyone would be singing along, Rob. So is Glum Mums and Sad Dad Disco, is it that we're going to play sad music and embrace it, or is it to get them out of the funk? No, no, no, no, no, no. It's floor fills. Right, OK.

It's just bangers after bangers. Yeah. Because I've not been dancing for ages anywhere, have you? I dance at a wedding. Yeah, but apart from weddings, don't you know you should go to a nightclub? No, I'm not going to a nightclub, Rob. I'm 39.

I hate dancing. Rob, you can't go to a nightclub if you remember steve davis winning the world championship that's what they ask at the door the bouncers go id for you and who's steve davis and if you haven't got id you're too young and if you don't see davis you're too old right hi rob and josh listening to episode series six, episode two. We don't know what that means. We've got no idea what that means.

Josh was sad about his guest over Christmas, Ivo Graham that was, who had a parcel delivered to his address, which reminded me of when my next door neighbours one time, when they were on holiday, the delivery guy knocked on my door, so I took the parcel as a good neighbour should. Yeah, fine. Only later that day I noticed it was addressed to the person next door neighbours one time, when they were on holiday, the delivery guy knocked on my door, so I took the parcel as a good neighbour should. Yeah, fine. Only later that day I noticed it was addressed to the person next door,

but my house number. Oh, yes, please. The cheeky so-and-so had changed the house number on purpose, knowing they would be away. Oh. I now refuse to take in any parcels for them. Oh. When they're not home,

even when they are addressed to their house. Oh, they've got nuclear. I'd say that's a bit petty, wouldn't you? Well, it is annoying. It is annoying, but I don't think that's good for you to have that inside. I would do anything not to fall out with a neighbour because it's the one person you're absolutely stuck with.

Well, exactly, Josh. Listen to this. Confucius once said, before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. Are you back on wikipedia what's going on i'll just know that in my head oh it's a good revenge quote yeah that is a good revenge quote isn't it because holding on to anger is like drinking poison yeah and expecting the other

person to die yes yes great rob that's really that was buddha was it sorry you're on brainy quotes.com no but i've got them in my head already. I am actually, I am brainyquotes.com. It's my little side hustle. You know brainyquotes.com is quoted in Prince Harry's autobiography. Is it? Okay, good to know. Brainyquotes.com. Is that where he gets some of his quotes from?

There's a point where he talks about a quote that he got from brainyquotes.com and I thought, why am I... Don't tell anyone that! Just say Confucius or Buddha, not BrainyQuotes.com. Anyway. Go on. Yeah, you shouldn't fall out with your neighbours if possible. No, it's not worth it.

Also, makes it much more difficult to sell your house if you've got troublesome neighbours. Right, okay. Yeah, no, no, don't fall out. Just go, oh, that was a bit cheeky. Also, I'd respect that, to be fair. You'd respect it, yeah. Do you know what?

They've done well there. I respect that. Yeah. We have so many parcels delivered anyway. What? Oh, fucking hallway. It's just parcel, it, yeah. Do you know what? They've done well there. I respect that. Yeah. We have so many parcels delivered anyway. What? Oh, fucking hallway. It's just parcel, parcel, parcel. I want you to give me a percentage breakdown of the parcels that say Louise Beckett and

the parcels that say Rob Beckett. Oh, I'd say 98.3%. Yeah. Lou Beckett. It's obscene. I'm so excited when I get a parcel. I'm thinking of starting to just order myself stuff. It feels like Christmas when the parcels are made.

Have you heard the Bill Burr bit where he talks about how many parcels his wife has delivered? And he says, best way out of this scenario is she's fucking him. The delivery guy. Because I'd rather that than she's actually buying all this stuff. Oh, God. So many parcels. He's a funny man, Bill Burr.r watch that special i've butchered that bit but it's funny right now this blue oh god josh freudian oh my word that is a moment isn't it

it's three years in i'm pleased with that um josh yep you know dan schreiber was on talking about children's past life stories hook me up yeah love these, but I think it's all absolute bullshit, all of it. Oh, come on. I'm not saying it's not bullshit, Rob, but I'm saying it's exciting. Right, well, let me read this one out to you, then we'll break it down, yeah? Yeah. Hi there. A listener from the very start had to email in after hearing Dan Schreiber discuss his child remembering their previous life.

We have two boys, and our eldest would often refer to his previous life. Predict the future and read our minds. Okay. Excited about this. Regarding his previous life, when he was just two years old, he would say things like, I do like you, but I still love my last mummy and daddy more. He would say that in his last life, he was a woman

and in great detail would tell us about his wedding dress and in particular, the lacy long sleeves. But yeah, anyone could say that. You could make that up okay well one day josh oh no a group of old cars yeah drove past and he said to us oh yeah was it me and steve davis and my son said who's that massive float watching that's his son greg and richard osmond anyway the old cars drove past and he said to us i used to have a car like that when I was a woman. We looked at him puzzled and said, really? He said, yeah.

It had a wind-up stick sticking out of the front and you had to wind it up to start the engine. He had never in his life seen a car where this is what you had to do. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, but I'd say he's... He might have, though. You don't know what they're seeing on the telly.

Yeah, exactly. Didn't Broome have a little wind- say he's out. He might have, though. You don't know what they're seeing on the telly. Yeah, exactly. Didn't Broome have a little wind-up, right? I was about to say Broome. Broome. Yeah, it's Broome. It's all explained by Broome. Right, okay. Well, anyway, maybe we're the ghost detectives here.

Because there's more. Still going. Okay, so I say we could maybe file that under Broome. Yeah, we're filing that under Broome. But if he's never seen Broome, that is suspicious. Yeah. Not only would he talk about his previous life, but also predict the near future. One day we were getting ready to take him to nursery. He's never seen Broome. That is suspicious. Yeah. Not only would he talk about his previous life,

it also predicts the near future. One day we were getting ready to take him to nursery. He piped up with, we can't go in your car, mummy. The tyre has leaked. What? We said the car is fine and continue to get him ready. As we left the house and walked to the car,

there it was, a completely flat tyre. Ah. Maybe he looked out the window. Maybe he looked out the window. I don't want to poo-poo it all. No, I no i mean that would freak me out if i'm honest with you yes but i'd assume that my child had just looked out the window yeah maybe okay we'll put that down to window window anyway on another occasion was getting ready he said we need to leave early because of the tree we asked him what he meant and he said a tree had fallen over and blocked the road and we'd have to go the long way

around once again we dismissed what he had said and said a tree had fallen over and blocked the road and we'd have to go the long way round. Once again, we dismissed what he had said and said everything will be fine. On our way, sure enough, a diversion was in place and we did need to go the long way round. Once we had gone the other way, as we were approaching the nursery, up ahead a massive tree had fallen over in the storm overnight. Oh, that is scary.

And it was blocking the road. Oh, there was a storm? There was a storm. Maybe the radio said trees have fallen down, be careful on the road. I mean, I'd say that's probably the best one so far, but... Yeah, they'll be spooking me out at this point. Yeah, personally, I'm filing it all under complete and utter bollocks. No, I'm completely on board.

Okay, fair enough. Our son is now nine, and thankfully no longer talks about his previous life and no longer predicts his future. However, the other day we sat down to play some Pictionary. His dad picked out a card at random. I said I was ready and my wife turned over the sand time to start the time before the pencil could touch the paper.

My son shouted, firework, which is exactly what I was about to draw. Oh, reflection in glasses. So it's Pictionary, you get told what you have to draw. It's on the card. It's on the card. He looks at the card. My seven-year-old

does that and cheats. So Matt, the podcast, I think your son's a liar and a cheat. No, I think your son is living a previous life and also can predict

the future. The only one I'm giving you is fallen tree. And I think if I'm Matt, I'd rather Rob's answer than mine because I'd find that less creepy you'd rather your son to be a liar and a cheat yeah than than be living the previous life of a

woman who had a wind-up car and a lacy wedding dress their wedding dress does sound lovely it does it sounds very high-end but would you have a high-end dress like that but also wind up your car well that's the question isn't it well that's the thing we're all stumped on excuse the tree pump really nice oh it's all right mate got it when i need it i'm actually maybe i'm not tired maybe you're not maybe the coffee's working its way through i've not had a coffee for ages right i've got another bit of correspondence okay go on hi guys love the podcast i finally caught up on the back catalogue after my childless brother introduced me to it a couple of months ago okay i have a parenting dilemma i need your help with i really want to get tickets for your manchester tour date on the 14th of april but it

clashes with my four-year-old son's football presentation evening i know he'll be gutted if i'm not there but i really want to see you guys on tour and i can't afford to travel to another location do you think it will permanently scar my child if i'm not there for him even if it will is seeing you guys an acceptable excuse keep being being sex and relatable, please. Steph in Stockport. Is she a big laugher? That's the first question. No, do not come. Go to the awards.

It's more important. I don't know. I don't know. Those awards are ten a penny. You love a ticket sale, mate. I would think less of you if you came and didn't go to your son's presentation evening. And I think more of you. So you choose your team.

What I would say is Manchester's basically sold out anyway the only places really with tickets are nottingham and wembley arena nottingham and wembley arena travel to one of them you could go to nottingham steph come on big old night out in knots have a night out in knots right we've got a lot of people saying kids saying funny things and a few boomer stories what do you want some kids saying funny things top three please Rattle through them. Oh, top three. Okay. Oh, yeah. Hi, guys. On the subject of kids mispronouncing words in the latest episode,

my four-year-old boy is currently saying instead of camouflage, Kenneth Large. Kenneth Large. I like that. Kenneth Large. Kenneth Large. That's good. I like that one, don't you? Yeah. Just listen to your bumhole bits and willy episode. My three-year-old son once told me he had poodles and noodles at nursery

while sitting on the carpet. What? Can you guess what it is? No. He was sat on the carpet, cross-legged, and he got poodles and noodles. Oh, pins and needles. Yeah, pins and needles. That's good, because initially I thought he'd shout on the carpet.

Yeah, no, no, but I poodled or noodled it. No, he's pins and needles, poodles and noodles. That really cracked me up. Now, this one. Hey, Rum Joss, my youngest couldn't say L in the middle of a word. It would either be replaced with a W or missed out completely, so clock was cock. You can see where this is going.

Yeah. My eldest had a pink clock in her room, she complained it ticked too loudly so i put it in my room my boy aged three at a time came in and asked why have you got a pink cock in your room lovely lovely bit of business these are strong emails had to have a preventative chat with his teacher on the morning drop off in case he mentioned the pink cock in my room i I'd say leave it and then wait for them to ask. I'd say if you're doing a friendship chat, it feels like you're protesting too much. Yeah.

I'll just let you know. Hi. Yes. Oh, sorry. Quick. Sorry, everyone. One second. I just need to quickly talk to the head teacher.

Sorry to hold up the queue. He'll say that I've got a pink cock in my room and I haven't. It's a pink clock. Okay. Let's get that clear. It's the wrong kind of preemptive strike. Everyone at the school now believes you've got a pink cock in your room. Just so you know.

Yeah, he's found your dildo. Just move on. Yeah. There you go. Just put it in a drawer higher up. Lock it away. How about if I email that popular podcast the story and they start talking about it?

Maybe that'll be a cover story for it. That's what she's thinking now. There's definitely some people there whose children have found dildos or vibrators sending the stories you're not bad people it happens sometimes you just need to put it in a higher box we've all got wants and needs um okay so the pink cock kid also can't say flip-flops and he says flip-flop instead of flip-flop yeah nice that's cute but now they're gutted that he um can say it properly. I did tell you about Netflix, didn't I? I think so.

Yeah, Netflix. You have to talk about that. Now, my favourite, because, you know, we still call McDonald's chip and burger. Oh, yeah, yeah. I call it chip and burger, but we just do it as a family now. They know it's called McDonald's, but I say, right, do you want to get chip and burger? And then they had friends around the other day. I said, how do you want to get chip and burger?

And my kids were like, yay. And the friends were were like what are you talking about and i was like oh sorry that's the worst moment isn't it that's when it all comes crumbling down now this is the same kid though flip-flops pink cock however my favorite of all time was another friend's boy who couldn't say biscuits he used to call them bitch tits yeah i buy that i buy that constantly offering a biscuit would you like one of these? That's from Karen. Yes, I'm a Karen, but not that sort of Karen. It is unfair, isn't it, on people called Karen?

Yeah, but I think there's no smoke without fire, mate. Right. Right. Have you got any more, Rob? I've got one here, Josh. This is slightly different. This is about things you dragged your parents Rob? I've got one here, Josh. This is slightly different. This is about things you dragged your parents to. So, hi, Rob and Josh.

I don't have kids because I'm 25 and can't even look after myself, but I'm a huge fan of the pod and your books and delight in hearing your antics. Are we up to antics? Antics? I think we are up to antics, yeah. I think we are. Just before we started recording, you said, oh, for fuck's sake, I forgot to give my kid a snack for school.

And I don't know if I'd call that antics. Would you call that antics? Oh, crazy antics. No, no. I'd say antics is if I came in and went, you're not going to believe this, I put itching powder in Rose's pants. Please do.

We'd turn into them like TikTok couples that just do pranks on each other. Yeah. That looks awful. That looks awful because it's obviously something they sort of do for a bit of fun and then it's turned into a business and now they're like covering each other in flour

every other day to keep up with the TikTok trend. I couldn't live with a prankster. I loved Jackass. I loved it. I thought it was brilliant. But I used to think I couldn't deal with that. The thought that someone was just going to come up behind me and shave the top of my head at any point.

I just couldn't live like that. I just couldn't do it. Have I ever told you about Joe Swash when he did Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs panto in Stoke? No, but it's a very promising start to an anecdote. Well, the actors that were playing the dwarves, they were pranksters. They were pranksters, Josh.

And they used to do pranks on Joe Swash all the time. And they put itching powder in his outfit when he went on his buttons. And he was itching and itching, obviously. Anyway, so they had a bit where they had to go out of the building to run around the building to come on the other side as part of the show. And when he did that,

Joe pushed two of the dwarves in a cupboard and locked them in. So there was only five dwarves for that scene. Oh, my God. And they just did pranks like that. Yeah, which is, I don't think you'd like that. I couldn't be on that cast. I'd find it too stressful. The thought that I could have itching powder in my pants at any point.

I think you'd be a great dopey. Anyway, sorry, this is this antics one. I dragged my long-suffering dad to so many things as a teenager, but the weirdest was probably a festival for ginger people. Oh, oh. Before you ask, we are both ginger. It was basically a room full of redheads trying to pretend we had stuff in common. Oh, my word.

That's weird, isn't it? There's a couple of stalls selling ginger beer. I don't know what I was thinking. Overall, very surreal experience. Oh, my word. That's weird, isn't it? There's a couple of stalls selling ginger beer. I don't know what I was thinking. Overall, very surreal experience. Oh, my God. That is bizarre. Gemma and Beck in them. Oh, that is weird, isn't it?

Oh, man. Yeah. How old was she? I was about to say the most stiff-necked, boring thing that's ever existed, Rob. It's not stopped you before. Get it out of you. Go on. There's this Sherlock Holmes story called The Red-Headed League

that's a bit like that. There's a group of red-headed people that meet. Is that the correct term now? Well, it's the term you use. Gingers. Obviously, this was an odd...

Sherlock Holmes was written 150 years ago so that it was pre... I think red-headed's fine, isn't it? Yeah, I wonder if he's probably said things like he shouldn't say now.

Oh, yeah. There's some not ideal views. Hi, Rob and Josh and josh do another one no but go on go on hi rob and josh i love listening to podcasts it's becoming a mum to twins my dad was forced to take me and a friend to see britney spears in concert and then the spy skills a few years later i don't think that's going to be the end of the world i think i could deal with that on the britney tour she performed an alternative version of baby one more time and he still moans to this day 20 years on that she didn't sing it right oh yeah do you know what i think he's right it's like when people go and see bob dylan he doesn't do his songs in the right

way i think you've got to do baby one more time you've got to give them what they want get the snake out you've got to do it as a normal version You've got to give them what they want. Get the snake out. You've got to do it as the normal version. You can't be changing it up. Sarah Gibson Barlow, that was. She sounds like a Coronation Street character. Yeah, she does, doesn't she? Right, we've got another one here. Here we go.

Hi, Josh and Rob. In a discussion you had about teaching your daughters the word vagina and penis, I finally had to write in. Yeah, that was about two years ago. Also, a lot of people were explaining that it's vulva is the outside bit of the vagina and the vagina is the internal bit so it's actually the vulva but i think that anyway you know i had loads of people just messaging me vulva right okay and you're like i've got bmw thank you very much i'm all right might be changing it up though soon

might go vulva vul Volvo Very safe aren't they What's the inside of a Volvo called? A Volgina We are tired I think it's good The outside of a vagina is a Volvo And the car is a Volvo What's the interior of a Volvo called?

A Volgina Put it in the Christmas crackers this year See how that goes down Okay here's one for you Nan You know that the Volvo And the vagina are different. Right, we'll keep that in mind. Anyway, me and my husband both advocate calling them what they are.

However, we never really told our two-year-old daughter the word penis she never asked. It's quite cute. My daughter keeps saying peanuts. She misheard me and thinks the penis is called a peanut. It is quite cute until i think about your penis what's wrong with my penis well it's just i don't want an image of it in my head well stop thinking about it it's difficult because when you say stop thinking about it i just keep thinking about it

anyway so that way they never asked she never knew the word penis she took it upon herself to name it daddy's ponytail oh no we corrected her but she was having none of it no No, it's daddy's ponytail, she used to say. We found it funny, but tried to make not a big deal of it as we didn't want it to stick and have people think that what my husband referred to his penis was his ponytail. She never really said it again, but my husband takes her swimming most weeks

and now she started a running commentary of the men in the changing room loudly saying, Daddy, that man's naked. Daddy, that man's taking his clothes off. Daddy, that man's got his ponytail out thanks for the pod it's really great to hear you and many others imagine the same boat god charlotte wolverhampton i think you've just got i don't think the ponytail's the issue i think you don't want your child commentating on the naked man as it is i do think men in changing rooms one when there's children there just get a fucking towel in front of it just be as embarrassed about your own body as i am well no but not just that i was in there once

there was a man in flip-flops completely naked with the hair dryer on his hair that he slowly moved down to armpit chest and undercarriage and my daughter said what's he doing and i said he's having a breakdown that's not normal He should be disgusted with himself. Yeah, yeah. Cocks out in a change room is so horrible. Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? And it's not even blokes. The big ones are horrible.

Do you know what's worse than a cock in a change room? What? Saggy arse. Yeah, no, I don't like it. When men get to about 60 or 70, the arse just goes. It looks like a squashed lasagna. All them little lines at the bottom. Horrid. Horrid.

Horrid. Horrid flat ass. Oh, my God. What a lovely image. What a lovely image. But do you know what? Some lovely observational material that I could picture straight away. Oh, thank you very much.

Maybe that might find its way into a tour at some point, Josh. Exactly. Look forward to that. Buy some tickets. Soon enough. Right. Boomers. Boomies.

Boomy, boomy, boomies boomy boomy boomy's there we go um hi uh rob and josh there's been a lot of world cup football and celebrity chat recently when i was younger i was alan sheer obsessed i used to write to him all the time we went on tours of ewood park with my autograph book and had his posters everywhere one day guess what alan actually replied he sent me a postcard from his holidays in the Caribbean. What? Telling me everything he'd been up to with his wife and children. Nah. Asking how I was and being a real gentleman with my letters.

I was ecstatic. I bet he fucking worked. Alan's sure taken some time off from his holiday to write a postcard. I took it to school for show and tell. I told everyone I met him for about five years. Oh, no. And for five years, a postcard took pride of place

on the mantelpiece in our lounge. But then when I was a bit older, about 12, I got a Christmas card from my sister and I noticed something really strange. Oh, no. Alan Shearer, my sister, had very similar handwriting.

Oh, dear. Could it be true? Surely not. Oh, yes, it could. I'd been living a lie since I was seven. My parents had, my sister, had very similar handwriting. Oh, dear. Could it be true? Surely not. Oh, yes, it could. I'd been living a lie since I was seven. My parents had got my sister to write me a postcard from Alan as they were bored of me writing to them and thought I'd stop if I got a reply.

Oh, my God. That is brutal. I can laugh now. Just get a signed photo of Alan Shira from the club shop and send that. Do you know what I mean? I can laugh now, but I felt the shame back then. Steph, mum of two.

Oh, that is brutal. Farrah Bromley. Another Bromley person writing in. I met someone from Bromley last night, Rob. Oh, really? They clean your windows? No. She said that she goes to the gym where you go with your children to go swimming.

But she's never come up to you. Oh, right. Yeah, and right and all. Yeah. I'm joking. This is quite funny about people you didn't know were real or fake hi rob and josh listening to an old podcast sparked a memory about when i was watching the london marathon and said to my husband isn't it nice there is a family all at the front running together he looked at me confused

and said look the pace family to which he burst out laughing and explained, they weren't all the Pace family. They were hired as pacemakers for the runners. You know the guys in the front that set the speed with Pace written on their tops? Halen Pace. Do you remember him? He don't look like Halen Pace. Norman Pace, was it? I can't remember.

I didn't know Norman Pace had family in Kenya. He don't look like a runner, does he, Pace? He doesn't. Despite his name. Oh, that's funny. Also, if you are listening and you are, like, catching up, because we're recording this one now in 2023, but if you are listening on some of these and you've got anything to contribute,

it doesn't matter if an episode was two years ago. We will read it out. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we will read it out. If it's good, it's going out. That's how it works. If it's good, it's going out. That's how it works. If it's good, it's good. Norman Pace.

Oh, gosh, we get him on. Has he got any kids? Yeah, why not? Steve Davis, Norman Pace. One of them lives near me, but I've never seen him. Does he? Yeah.

Oh, he does a bit of directing in the theatre. You'd love him, old Norman Pace. Bloody hell, you are so quick on the old... Oh, mate, I can take an information like nobody's business. One more?

One more, one more, and then do you do small business? Why not? Okay. I have a gross children's story that after five years is still the most disgusting thing i've ever witnessed oh my god this is actually awful i feel sick reading it out i have two daughters and when my eldest was about four i took her to a swimming lesson whilst also looking after a younger sister who was about 18 months old after the lesson i was trying to get the eldest ready which was tricky with a small toddler trying to have the run of the changing room i should point out at this point this was

quite an old pool in a part of a school a bit run down and not exactly pristine changing room whilst in the middle of trying to dress my eldest my youngest right up to the drain in the middle of the changing room stuck her fingers through the grate and before i could stop her pulled a lump of black muck out of the drain and into her mouth. Oh, my God, no. Still makes me feel rough thinking about it. I had to pick lumps out of her mouth. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to tell her what she did.

I'm still traumatised by it. Oh, that is horrible. Big fan of the pod, keep up the work. All the best. Oh, my God. Wolfgang Matthias Pedro of littlehampton so we'll keep that anonymous for you we wouldn't want her to know no wouldn't want her to know and that was just matt actually that was from yeah matt that makes you feel sick reading that out i'm sorry

that was hard to do yeah that was grim that was grim lou never gets her hair out the plug oh in the shower i've told you this haven't i and i do the same joke to all the time have i told you this no maybe probably by now basically always floods a little bit when the hair gets in there too much yeah it's always her long darker hairs she's brunette it floods after a while but like to the point where you can't really shower in it because it's flooding around your feet so then that means i have to pull it all out rip all the hair out by my hands and put it in the bin i always say to luke oh you know that um shower's flooding a bit basically if you pick up the drain and get all the hair out of it,

it sort of stops the flooding and then the water goes down perfectly. I just didn't know if you knew that in a sort of quite annoying way. How does that go down? Absolutely hates it and she tells me to fuck off and shut up as I start it

because she knows I'll carry on saying it and with the implication that it's news to her. Nice. Even though I know she knows but she's never done it in her life. Sad to end on a bad one. Well, I'm glad you're getting this off your chest. Exactly.

Quick small business. Hi, Rob and Josh. Listened from the start. Coming to the live show in April. Would love a small business shout out. We're a small team of counsellors based in Cheriton, Folkestone, Kent. We offer face-to-face counselling

or online counselling all over the UK. So you don't need to be based in Cheriton, Kentkestone, Kent. We offer face-to-face counselling or online counselling all over the UK, so you don't need to be based in Cheriton, Kent. We have a low-cost service for people on a low income. Our website is www.lighthouse43.co.uk. Thanks for the last, Steph and the Lighthouse 43 team. Hi, please give my partner, Rain Brooks, a small business shout-out. She was made redundant recently as taking the step to start her own dog walking and sitting business in Derby.

She offers pet sitting, dog walking and droppings for all pets in Spondon, Chattersdon and the Oakwood area. Her Instagram is rainorshinedogwalks. Rain with an E. R-A-I-N-E because that's her name. rainandshinedogwalks.co.uk So rainorshinedocode.uk. So rain or shine dot co.uk. Instagram, rain or shine dog walks. Love the pod, Toby Batchelor. Brilliant.

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