Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP13: Playdate From Hell

Episode Date: February 21, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parents in hell with can you say Rob Beckett? Bob. Bob. Can you say Josh Whittaker? Yes. Wow. Wow. Okay, so... Hi, Rob.

Hi, Josh. I'm a fairly new listener. Yeah, I can tell. Just, the point is you introduced us to the show, but it's just a child making noises. I've gone back to the start to listen to all, listen as well as listening to your newly weekly episodes, and I'm obsessed.

Smash season one in the space of two weeks. Actually, I quite like this guy. Yeah, woman. Big fan, actually. Can you say guy for a woman, Cate? Yeah. So bizarre listening to COVID talk, but the episodes are absolutely hilarious.

Gutted I didn't know about this then, as I had my daughter, Sophia, on February 2020. Sophia turns three on the 10th of the second. Long labour, 28 days. Eh? Good joke on a leap year. Don't know what that means. Does that work as a joke?

I'll take it. Is leap years longer or shorter? Leap years are longer. Yes, it worked. Ruined it now, obviously. Turn three on the 10th of the 2nd, 2023, so it would be great for you to introduce her on your 10th of February episode. Didn't do that.

Sorry. Can't wait to see you April in the O2. Love the podcast. Keep it up, Charlotte. There we go. There we go. Thank you, Charlotte. And I'm sure you will enjoy that episode.

You've read the wrong one. Oh, no. You've read the wrong one. That, no. You've read the wrong one. That was from Sia Connell in Australia. Oh, no. You've read the wrong email, you fucking idiot. Oh, no. And my Sia Connell message isn't downloaded from the server, look.

Oh, no. that's a completely wrong person I'll be honest with you Rob I was thinking that was a fucking rubbish performance for a three year old

but I just kind of went over it I was like that is poor for a three year old but we're just getting annoyed let's just

skirt past that one how big was that leap year two years yeah I'm on it bloody hell right do you want me to read out

who that was or do you want us to redo that properly Michael we're enjoying this no come on this is what the people love isn't it

Michael also we're in a rush pig most crucially there's two minutes in the bank oh dear that really tickled me Josh do you want me to read out who it was let me play it again Most crucially, there's two minutes in the bank. Oh, dear.

That really tickled me, Josh. Do you want me to read out who it was? Let me play it again. And then we'll read out who it was. This is a mess. Can you say Rob Beckett? Bob. Can you say Josh Whittaker?

There we go. Oh, someone's ringing my fucking doorbell. This is a joke joke it cut me off is Lou at home? yeah she'll get it but it just cut my phone off oh right wow

wow this is wow just wow if he just pressed that doorbell a second later do you know who that was? who? no not

what the door the door I think or both oh that is underdog fitness to do some boxing pads with louise oh right yeah here we go sorry so that clip though yeah josh okay um hi hi bob and wow it makes sense when you listen to the audio so he said wow for widcombe here is my one-year-old makes sense don't need to feel bad anymore right Right. My one-year-old Atticus.

Wow. Do need to feel bad. Only joking. I wonder how Josh is going to deal with this, because normally you deliver the name and I give an opinion. Yeah. And actually, you're a bit of a bitch. I'm not, no.

I mean, I'll be honest. We've stuck our necks out with our children's names. I like it. I like the balls of it. Yeah, you've called one testes. Atticus Finch. Who is Atticus Finch? Is that To Kill a Mockingbird?

I think it's a reference in a Bo Burnham song that I've laughed at, not knowing what it means. Atticus Finch. It's To Kill a Mockingbird, yes. Yes, of course. Oh, very fancy. Thanks for consistently being the podcast that makes me laugh out loud and all the solidarity which gets me through many a day.

See you. Melbourne, Australia. Oh, the big Melbourne. Melbs. The big Melb. The big Melbies. The big Melbies. Have you been to Melbourne?

No, we went to Australia to do last leg. We didn't get to go to Melbourne, which was heartbreaking because I've heard it's A, the best place in Australia, and B, is the home of Ramses Street. Can I tell you, I don't think it is the best place in Australia. Is it? And I'll tell you why. Well, I think Melbourne's very European.

Exactly. The best place in Australia. It could be like a small European city. Oh, my God, keep talking. Right, okay. But also because it's blocks, it also reminds me of New York slightly. Oh, my word. But not New York because it's tiny.

Oh, stop talking. It's actually, if you're going all the way to Australia, I don't really want a coffee like a European city. I could have done that in an hour. Yeah, right. Okay. I'm not going 24 hours to go somewhere that's not as good as Rome. Yeah, it's a bit like Boston.

Exactly. If you've been to Boston in America. Tiny. It's basically a very nice European city yeah exactly and it is nice but you want yeah anyway but um I prefer um other places in Australia um but a lot of the uh fringy alternative comics love Melbourne because they sit around having coffee sort of talking to each other and reassuring each other about their shows never needed it never needed it um Josh how are you I'm oh i've had a hell of a hell of a morning

rob a hell of a bit of a bit of a school run disaster yeah um it was only just a minute i thought i was gonna be late but i actually made it in time um so sorry if i haven't got a cup of tea that is a worry but i'll blast through will you suffer without the tea that's my question only psychologically not energy wise okay okay so it's more of a crutch yeah oh i'd love it i wish i brought it up now i'd love it can you text rose about your cup of tea is she still downstairs i don't know whether i should i why don't we for the pod just say hey rose i was a bit caught up on the school run i'm flagging please could you make me a cup of tea? I think that's a fair.

And if she goes, sorry, I'm busy. I was a bit caught up on the school run because she was with me. That would be an incredible. Okay. What are you writing? Any chance you could make me a cup of tea? Please. You need to please.

So sorry. What is she doing at the moment? Just looking after the toddler? No, he's in nursery. So she, I toddler no he's in nursery so she i dropped her off on the way home i dropped her on the way home she went to get coffee yeah she can get you a cup of tea mate yeah well there's no kids in there's no kids indoors she's got zero excuse if anything she should have brought one anyway oh my god here he is here he bloody is oh jim royal One of my favourite things is trying to cause an argument between another couple and then watch. It's delivered.

No, I don't mean that. I mean the message. Yeah, the message. Sorry, go on. So, got in the car. The car is in a bad state, Rob. Shall I start with... Do you want some pictures of the car?

What's wrong with the car um that is it's filthy yeah okay so i'll start with the front foot well just as a little starter let's have a look the front foot yeah but i'd say most comedians cars and parents know that is bad but it's not bad when you see the rest of it right okay so there's a bit of dirt on the floor and crap but the empty bottle of milk's really worrying me. Well, that is because we were... They take them at school. They're building a nursery.

They're building an igloo. Oh, so it's been washed out. I just thought you were crushing two pints of Yeo Valley on the way to school. No, I'm not that guy, no. But it looks bad on the floor of a car, doesn't it? An empty bottle of milk. But my brother Joe used to buy, like, little pints of milk and walk around drinking them. He used to think it was disgusting.

This is the back seat. Fucking piglet. This is the first back seat. I apologise to Joe if that wasn't Joe, but oh my God, the back. What? Look, you've been sawing wood in there. That's crushed up biscuits and stuff over time. From the toddler.

Over time. You can see like a dead pond bear there, can there can't you can just see the outline of a dead pom bear i'll tell you what he looks like he's missing his right foot that pom bear um that is bad we'll have to put that on instagram because that's very it's good to see that it's not just my car that's awful oh no that is what's that why is it like that what is that it just looks like the bottom of a banana oh that genuinely that is disgusting josh yeah that's bad isn't it it's a bad one the others i've seen before but that looks like it's rotting food yeah well it looks like a fox has got your bin and took it in your car talking of rotting food rob so we get in it's we're late uh it's look rose is gonna have the right to reply on this episode.

Right, okay. What have you done? I don't think I've done it. Well, basically, I think we're both in the wrong. Okay. Yeah. So we put it into way. There's two different ways to go to school, depending on traffic.

Okay. Put it into ways. They're both long. But the way Rose... How long are we talking? okay put it into ways they're both long but the the way we're talking uh it's normally about 18 minutes and we're talking 26 and 29 oh yeah that does buy it that 29 yeah because if that creeps up yeah and rose uh rose goes don't do the 26 route because that's the one where i just got completely stuck on okay i think you can't ever overrule ways look as a rule when you're a comedian traveling around the country you never you never overrule ways okay never overrule it however i think if someone does that run every

day and they're talking from experience you've got stuck once rob and you've got yeah but josh if you go rose's way it's a win-win. Well, this is the problem, Rob. This is exactly what I did. I decided, rather than go with my instinct, that I would prefer Rose to be at fault. Yes, okay. And I'm just saying that.

Yeah, of course. Honestly, I didn't think that at the time. Like, consciously, I don't think that's the decision I made. Yeah, no, I would consciously want that. At the time, I now think I thought... Don't push it out, that you't think that at the time. Like consciously, I don't think that's the decision I made. Yeah, no, I would consciously want that. But looking back at the time, I now think I thought... Don't push it out of this. You would want that. I would want that.

You'd want that to go, you were wrong. I was right. This way, I can't lose. Isn't that awful? No, it's great because if she does get there quick, you got there quick. And she's smarmy, but whatever, she was right. You got there quick.

But now this way is the best way, isn't it? Isn't that a terrible thing? So I went with her decision great yeah awful man i am was you going slow on purpose trying to catch the red light no i've never done that i've never done that actually yeah that'd be weird wouldn't it actually to do that that's almost sick no i wouldn't do that by the way she's making me a cup of tea oh what a woman what a woman what a woman she's gonna pop to the car to get some milk yeah well on that there was two milk bottles in the car we were driving along yeah and then it was the heating was on so it was heating everything up my daughter was like it smells in

here and it did it smelled of gone off milk oh no um one of the one of the milk cartons that we were taking yeah hadn't been washed out properly. That's not acceptable. So we'd only just put it in the cart. You can't fuck about with milk. The smell was unbelievable. And my son was like, he was holding one of them, she was holding the other. And the one he was holding stank of old milk.

And then we were in the worst traffic jam of all time. Oh, yeah, okay. Made Rose phone the school to say we were going to be late, obviously. Also, obviously, the moment we phoned the school, the traffic opened up and we carried on driving. Yeah. And made it in the end. But it was a very stressful morning

that meant I only got back two minutes before we started the podcast. Okay, and what time do you normally get back before the pod? Ten minutes, which is the perfect amount of time. Right, so it was an eight-minute delay. Oh, yeah, to be fair, so what time do you normally get back before the pod 10 minutes which is the perfect amount of time right so it's an eight minute delay oh yeah to be fair because that is so what time do you leave the house uh about 8 45 get back about 9 50 about yeah about a good hour round trip yeah okay cool that's what we're looking down the barrel of when we move yeah who's worried about it as well and also there's a junction my brother said there's a junction right that's pretty free and easy during junction. My brother said, there's a junction, right?

That's pretty free and easy during the day. My brother said, oh yeah, my mate lives around here. He says this junction is hell on the school run. Oh, and I've not told Lou that yet. Oh God.

Well, she'll be listening. Have you been putting it into ways at school run time to get a feel for what you're looking at as school run time? No. Do you know why? Because you don't want to know know because i'm not going to change my decision why torture myself well it could reassure yourself you could reassure yourself no no it never does is it because you just give me the two postcodes so i can do that what you're doing there is you're trying to control the situation josh right and i've done that in the past i'm not criticizing because

you're trying to look at it reassure yourself go actually go this way go the way just accept it yeah worst case scenario you're in the warm listening to the radio for a bit longer. Oh, don't get me wrong. The way home. One of the great relaxers of my day. The drive home. I absolutely love it. One of the great thinkers of his time, actually.

I love it. I love it. Also, it's more stressful for you because you've got a sort of baby age in the car. Yeah. Where my two just sort of sit there going, I'm so tired. Yeah. I don't want to go to school oh well that's that's uh that's good then you're sick in the head and you made uh rose be

the bad guy in the head i didn't make rose be the bad guy but you know um how was your weekend good weekend yeah it was nice actually we both gave each other half a day to do what we'd want that was good right what'd you do vict Victoria Park for a little walk? No. No. How dare you? I went into town for a mooch. Yeah? Just had a walk.

I was meeting someone for dinner in town, so I went in early, just mooched around, went to some shops, bought some things, had a lovely time. What did you buy for yourself? I bought a jacket. Oh, navy blue, buttons.

Yeah, of course it's blue. With buttons. But, Rob, all jackets have got buttons. No, they don't. navy blue buttons of course it's blue with buttons but Rob all jackets have got buttons no they don't you can have a zip one you've got a couple of zip buttons I've got a zip blazer

why have you got a blazer are you doing some fancy jobs without me no it's like it's like a it's not a it's not a complete suit it's a blazer do you want to not as it's not a complete soup it's a

blazer do you want to see a picture uh yeah you don't have to no i don't i do i do want to see it yeah no you don't have to you can see the picture i want to see it they've got um baby gap have got some great stuff it'll be good to see some more of it seeing a picture um and what else did you get you got a jacket anything else i walked out of tottenham court road tube rob yes i'm gonna sound like a sourdough now now walked out of tottenham court road tube yeah and there was a big uh video art installation and i thought do you know what i'm just to look at this and enjoy it and watch it and I stood there and I was like

this is what people do when they're not rushing from one thing to another and I looked at the art installation for 15 minutes. Okay and was it nice having that little bit of space to do that? I just thought I can do this, this is me relaxing Josh, your life is opening up

I know, this is this is me relaxing josh your life is opening up i know this is this is potential what happens if your life opens up too much and we both everything's quite easy we've got nothing to know my saturday was still awful all right okay we'll get to that yeah so i had a lovely time really oh nice yeah really nice time very much enjoyed myself. Feel relaxed today. It was good. Rose on Saturday, she went out in the afternoon with her friends. Then went for dinner with her friends. Got her ear pierced. Drop that.

Say a curveball. You both sound like two 12-year-olds who are allowed to go to the local shopping centre on their own for the first time. I fucking feel like it, mate. I fucking feel like it. She got her ear pierced and went to the park with some lads. You just wandered around on your own buying blazers. Bought some books. Yeah.

Total squirm. Yes. Went to Foils. I do have a favourite book. Tashen. I like Tashen books. Oh, yeah. That's a bit stiff, mate.

But they're too heavy if you buy it too early in the walk. Yes, they are too heavy. But they're nice books. They're nice coffee table books, aren't they? They do good photography. I like photography, don't I? Yeah, you do too heavy, but they're nice books. They're nice coffee table books, aren't they? They do good photography. I like photography, don't I? Yeah, you do. Oh, God, am I pulling down the sort of facade

of this sort of tough nut from South London? Rob, no, there's no tough nut of South London for you. In my head, I sort of feel like I am, but I think it's because I'm surrounded by TV people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. It's all different. It's all relative, isn't it? So why was Saturday bad?

Because I've got a play date from hell to talk to you about. Oh, no, it was fine. Morning, morning we uh obviously i took him to the park take him out run him yeah yeah rose went out what the dog pick up his shit back in let him sleep it off oh rob at the slide it was perfect big slide weather right um as in he was cold which makes the slide faster but it was dry so the slide was at top speed and I went off the end. So that was bad. Did he laugh? Yeah, luckily, because he was sat on my lap and some people...

And then the second time I went down, I tried to slow myself down with my feet and I did a kind of 90 degree turn and ended up going down sideways. And I thought, this is too extreme for my tastes. Does he... Can he go down that slide on his own yet? No, it's seven plus. I really shouldn't be going down with them if i'm honest with you seven plus yeah it's a big slide it's a big old

slide um seven plus jesus christ yeah because now at the park i just sort of let the girls run around they can go on everything that's liberating oh my god that's freedom that's freedom rob sit there with your bloody coffee table photo book in the corner of the park. No, but then I'm getting stronger because I've been taken to the park to practice on the bikes and have to carry the bikes and they're so heavy after a while. Yeah. That's good to get your 10,000 steps in.

Tell me about your play date from hell. Yeah, so... Are they listening? Yeah, probably. No, do you know what? It wasn't all... So let me talk you through what it was. It wasn't wasn't all It was So let me talk you through It wasn't all their fault

No, let me talk you through Why it was difficult, okay? This tea's taking its time, isn't it? Yeah Do you want a message of that? So when did you text her? 10.20 That's 14 minutes

Yeah, I know But she's probably I bet she's finishing her coffee Before she makes you one Rob, don't get involved I'm just saying It doesn't take 14 minutes To make a cup of tea minutes yeah i know but she's probably i bet she's finishing her coffee before she makes you one rob don't get involved i'm just saying it doesn't take 40 minutes to make a cup of tea and ask her to get you a glass of water well she won't be able to reply she's walking but so there's two types of coffee which people josh yeah there's people that i have my coffee and that means they sit down and

they do something it's almost quite ritual whether they check their phone yeah yeah read a book or watch or watch a tv show ritual coffee and there's yeah it's an event it's not it's not a side it's as you go it's legs tucked around under the bum on the sofa leaning having the coffee this is my best bit of my morning kind of thing yeah this is it and this is protected the school runs done i'll come back 9 a.m to 9 15 i have my coffee okay that means she's not even started making your tea yet okay cool well that's good to know so that's that's 15 minutes since the call went in well i'd quite like to hear because obviously we're going to speak to lou we've spoken to lou um we're going to uh speak to rose it'd be quite good to hear a coffee routine. Okay. It's quite entrenched, but if that sets her up for the date,

who am I to judge? I'm a coffee on the go guy. Are you? Is Lily a coffee on the go or a coffee on the stay? She's on the coffee on the go and on the stay. She'll have one to move, but when the kids are in school, she will sit, whack on a bit of Good Morning Britain, will moan about whatever politician's on, and then we go

to work. Exactly. That's our life anyway so this play date so i was a we was away weren't we uh gigging and uh lou was like i had thursday and friday off but thursday was just a i was messed we didn't get in till 4 a.m we were effed because we're trying to come back from the northeast and the a1m was shut and the m1 and I followed ways and it took us the wrong way. I can hear the stairs. Hello. Thank you. Where do you want it?

Here, please. Where do you want it? Okay. Quite aggressive, was it, or not? Rob thought that was quite aggressive what you just said. Well, I don't care what Rob says.

She says she doesn't care what you think. Okay, I was having... Enjoy your coffee. Enjoy... How's that for aggressive? She said, how's that for aggressive? How's that for... I'm quite scared of Rose.

I think she'd... I think she could have been a barrister. I reckon she'd just destroy people in an argument. Have you ever beaten Rose in an argument? No. And I imagine i'm about to lose one about ways um well it's 17 minutes it's actually as needed as long as your school run that tea delivery

um anyway right so the play date so we come so thursday was a bit of a write-off i had bits of bobs to do and then friday we had to get out really early to go and do boring admin stuff but like you know like oh we all we both have to go and do this and we have to make decisions. Right. So I was doing that on Friday and then she, about Friday lunchtime, she went, Oh,

I was getting my haircut. She went, Oh, can you change your haircut? Cause I need your help on the school run. I was like, okay, why is that?

She went, Oh, we've got a play date. Oh, just the time, not the type. Can you change it? I thought she meant,

can you change your haircut? Oh no, she's still not keen. She's still not keen on the old French crop. Could you get a Rachel? So she went, can you change it? I thought she meant can you change it hair cut style wise. Oh no, she's still not keen on the old French crop. Could you get a Rachel? So she went, can you change it? Because I was going

at like three o'clock so I moved it back to one o'clock because the kids had got a play date. I was like, oh okay, assuming that there'll be

one friend coming over. She said no, both children invited two friends over. In the end, my youngest had two friends, my eldest had one friend and they come round and it was absolute chaos because it was so cold they couldn't go in the

garden all lovely kids on their own but it was just loads of kids right screaming and shouting and then basically what happened was the younger ones the difficulty is if there's more than one coming around for a play date what we normally do is if one comes around for a play date and they're arguing over like what they want to watch. Or one lights bluey, one lights something else. We normally go, well, let your guest choose. Yeah. Because it's polite to let the guest choose. And, you know, we're at home all the time.

You can watch it when they go. They're here now. That is my absolute get out of jail free card. It's your let's go with your route of ways approach. Yes, exactly. And then, but if they've got two friends over, if you do that, then the other two go,

well, I want that, I want that. I've got nothing left in the locker. Oh no, Rob. Oh my God, it's all going wrong. It was fine. And then I had to pop out to get some antibiotics. Anyway, I've got sinusitis, another boring side hustle I've got going on.

Yeah, and then i come home and then it was about half five and i said to lou oh what time are they getting picked up she went 7 p.m whoa that's quite late isn't it that's interesting yeah i thought she was winding me up like a bit of banter i was like yeah good one she went no 7 p.m i was like what but it was to be fair and the all the kids are fine but i just think having five children in your house on friday night yeah it's too many they were all lovely and all that but it's like there's a lot and then when there's more than one then they all argue over what they want and because it was different ages as well someone had like kiddie stuff on and someone had older stuff on but then the older stuff the younger

ones didn't want so it was just a bit of a it felt a bit like a stag do when everyone's all right on their own but together there's too many conflicts of interest yes you know it's trying to merge those groups well when you're on a stag do, if you're the best man, you cannot, so you simply cannot let anyone have a say. You have to lead a kind of fascist state. Yes, exactly. But you can't lead a fascist state with children. No, no, you can't.

But they were all good, but it was just a few too many kids of different ages and stuff. But yeah, 7pm. I think 6pm would have been fine. It's that last hour killed us off. Yeah. But probably would have been fine till 7pm if they just had one friend over. Yes. But five kids.

Yeah, that's intense. People that have like five or six actual children. I just don't understand how you... Oh my word, fair play to them. But you know, you've made your own bed. I don't know if you've had this, right? And all the other beds. In the morning, watching CBeebies, have you got Sky?

Have you got Virgin or what you got? I've got Skyrock. Can I just say, it's an incredibly easy-to-use format. Are you promoting it? No, carry on. I felt that was like a hidden advert. You know when sometimes they do hidden adverts in TV shows and have to put the little p in the bottom yeah yeah like paid promotion and then like everyone on love island's putting on like ray docks shower gel or something

um and uh see babies normally if they need to do something like brush their teeth go to the toilet e i'll pause the telling all right i'm not playing it again until you do that classic I'd say my greatest power as a dad but I don't know if it's my box or like Bluey have got some stranglehold

over the CBBC CBBs it wouldn't let me pause it when you cannot you are not allowed to pause this show what? I've never seen that before

you can't pause Bluey I couldn't pause Bluey this morning and I don't know if that's a Bluey thing someone write in and tell us what that's about maybe it was just an error today but it wouldn't let me pause Bluey this morning. And I don't know if that's a Bluey thing. Someone write in and tell us what that's about.

Maybe it was just an error today, but it wouldn't have been Paul's Bluey. Wow. Was it live? I don't know, because even if it's live... Bluey's so big now, maybe they could just start doing that to show off their power.

I don't know if Bluey can pull that. I don't know whether... Okay, do you want it on Sky? No pulls for us. I want it a bit like, you know, when a director gets all wanky, and it has to be... you know like my biggest bugbear is when you go to cinema and a film's been shot in a super super wide screen way for no reason no i've got no idea why and that's the only way they'll release it and there's not there's not a screen there's only like three

screens in the world it fits on properly and you you're at like Bromley View squinting. Do you know what happened, Rob? Bluey went to Sky, the people behind Bluey. Joe, I can't remember his name. Brown? Joe Brown, yeah. He does the music, doesn't he? Yeah.

No, he's the, oh, is he? I think he's the main guy. He's the main guy. Good looking bloke. He's got it all. Anyway, he goes to Sky. Can we mention about the live show? Tell that and I'll talk about that live this is a long way to go for a week pun rob okay go on sorry you get the pun out go on

he went to sky he went to the head of sky all right okay and he said uh because you're doing a pun in a fictional hypothetical situation it also dilutes it yeah go on he went to the head of sky and he said what are those things at the end of bluey's legs and what did the guy say pause and he said not not on our show there won't be absolutely no pause that would be a great story if that was real it's good and he just left and he goes we'll pay you more money he goes don't need it don't need it i just want the control i want to be in charge and help people watch my show okay yeah exactly so why don't you fuck off and change the system yeah so yeah i am in your office

but i'm telling you to fuck off out of it because i'm joe brum and i make bully he just turns up like pepper pig like gangsters, like Mafia bosses. So tell me about... You know what I'm saying? He's a good-looking guy. So this is really funny. So we're doing the live show. Obviously, Michael's with us on the live show. And he's known as sexy producer Michael.

He's got a big, sexy voice. And there's points in the show where stuff needs to be brought out. We're like, oh, Michael, why don't you bring it out and say hello to the audience? But Michael doesn't want to do it in case the audience sigh at his appearance. Oh, God. But Michael, you're a good looking guy, Michael. You're a good looking guy.

Well, that's very kind of you to say. There's been a lot of hype in the last three years and there's no way at least 50% of those people aren't going to be underwhelmed. It's just a fact. The women.

The women. All the women. You can't go on stage and hear 6,000 people collectively sigh at your appearance it just isn't worth it I know what you mean you'll never live up to sexy producer Michael

in their mind whatever you look like well actually I'd say you're an attractive man but you're not sort of like Brad Pitt you're not Joe Brum you're not Joe Brum you're not Joe Wicks you're not Brad of like Brad Pitt. You're not Joe Brum. You're not Joe Brum. You're not Joe Wicks. You're not Brad Pitt,

but you are, I tell you what, seriously fuckable for your age. Um, Rob, I've got a question for you. Go on. Do your kids,

you know, when they say an adult phrase and you're like, where has that come from? Rose's mum had bought like a, a kind of, you know, one of those activity books for my daughter. Yes. And she was doing a maze. You know, you like just follow through a maze with a pen. She just turned to me and she went, I love a good maze. And I thought, that's such an old person's thing to say.

Yeah, a good maze. I love a good maze. Not like I love mazes, Dad. No, it's like something Alan Bennett would say. I love a good yeah yeah i love a good maze not like i love maize's dad no it's like something alan bennett would say i love a good mate or i love a good victoria sponge yeah i love a good victoria can't beat a vicky sponge wherever you are piping hot cup of tea can you so i go abroad and i love to pass but i love a vicky sponge me can't beat it can you if it's soft and moist the jam the cream love a good, the cream. Love a good maize. I bet you she'd love National Trust.

You should get her a National Trust property card. That's what you'd love to do. Oh, she would love a good... A stately home? Stately home. She'd love a good stately home. I've got visions of you, Rose, and your eldest walking around stately homes going, isn't this lovely?

And then your son's dragged along on a come down after a raid he's been to give it 10 years 10 11 off his face on mdma i think that's a bit i don't think he'll be doing that at 11 no as i say rob hackney now hackney he'll be selling it i don't think so we've not got a business brain our family a lot of organisers. I don't think I respect the organisation of drug dealers. It must be really hard doing it. Do they keep a balance sheet?

Getting it in the country. Oh, my word. It's hard to run a business when you're allowed the stock. Do you know what I mean? Email in the oldest person thing your kid of under five has said. Yeah. I've got gout. Stuff like that.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. My knee's giving me jip. Oh, yeah. Oh, I've got... I watched something interesting, Josh. I watched the KSI documentary on Prime. And anyway, so what's quite interesting is he basically,

massive YouTuber, earned loads of money. Then he started in boxing and done music. And he went to that private school in Watford with a lot a lot of other these youtubers all sort of it was like a little movement together and but his parents um a very sort of strict um African parents I think they moved to the UK first and then sent the kids to school but obviously he's a bit like wild and out there and was focusing on YouTube and not on studying and things like that but like the relationship with his parents is really odd. And like,

if it like the way he talks about it, it's more really a, a podcast about his relationship. Well, his relationship with his parents and his brother and how that, that sort of drove him on to succeed, to try and impress them. Cause he sort of like was impressing them,

but like that, not in the way they sort of wanted to be impressed, especially at the time in defense of their parents youtube was no one could ever imagine that you could create an industry and a business from youtube at that point it was just sort of messing around online but then he has a sit down with his dad and talks about it and they sort of like never hug and then they sort of have a hug and i just and it's because i'm like not from that kind of family where like my mom and dad always hugged us and kissed us. And so I find it really interesting, but I don't know if whether like you never like people that don't really hug and there must be people listening that they didn't

hug their parents and they still don't. And now they've got kids, they do the complete opposite and they very, they're very, very affectionate or maybe they carried it on. And because they didn't get hugged, they don't know how to hug. And I don't know if it's like you hug them when they're little and then it changes over time when they sort of become 11 12 go through puberty and start becoming men and or women it makes it feel awkward but i just don't know but i don't know if there's if i thought be quite interesting if there aren't any people that listen that maybe as a kid didn't really get hugged or shown affection how has that affected your upbringing of your kids and like how did you feel

what did you do because i just think there's obviously ksi is this multi multi-millionaire has all the success in the world number one albums boxing champion earned millions really successful this documentary is basically fully fueled by the fact that there was an awkwardness between him and his parents and it's amazing that no matter what success you go on there's something there it's good that he's aware of that as well it's really important that he's aware of that i think yes yeah so it's sort of a lot of people wouldn't be aware that they've been driven by a weird relationship with their parents yeah exactly so it's really interesting to see both sides of it but i still feel like he's in in the documentary he's sort of almost trying to educate them and control the

relationship into a degree where like no look this is what we can do why don't we do this and talk about this but it sort of feels like you can't really change other people's behavior they need they're on their own sort of journey yeah and they they sort of need to do their own he's obviously doing his work in his head about how he feels, but you, you can't, you have to wait for other people to do their own, sort their own stuff out.

Because I think the way they were talking about it, they were talking about the way they were parented. KSA's parents were so strict and different that they, they just, they, they were doing a sort of more chilled out version even, and even KSA found that strange. So anyway, it's a really interesting documentary,

especially that dynamic. KSI, one of the most successful men in the world, in the world of entertainment. Yep. Have I told you that I was once supported by KSI? Really? Yeah. What, emotionally or on stage at a gig?

No, on stage at a gig. Yeah. I did a uh corporate for ben and jerry's okay yeah right in a park where there was a stage in the middle of a park right and um it was me katherine ryan this must have been a decade ago right yeah on a bloke called ksi who'd never done stand-up before i'd never heard of, and he was going to have a go at standup. Yeah. And a lovely bloke, really sweet guy.

Yeah. Went on and standups a lot more difficult than it looks when you're doing it for the first time. Oh, and at a corporate in a park. At a corporate in a park. And I remember thinking, bloody hell,

I'm never going to hear from this loser again. This guy. Who the fuck is this bloke? Lovely bloke, don't get me wrong, but what the fuck is going on here? Do you know what, though? That makes me feel better about how hard it is to be a comedian. Because these YouTubers, they give boxing a go.

Do quite well. He's got three number ones in music. Exactly. He's decent, but he's not you know you don't listen to him and go oh my god it's like it's like the new adele he's not like his voice isn't you know it's sort of well put together and catchy songs and good collaborations but what's interesting is because a lot of youtubers did try and do live shows but when everyone got there it was like well i don't know you can't just show us clips of videos kind of

thing um so yeah it's quite it's a sort of a backhanded compliment to comedians, really, that YouTubers can't really nail that. Have I recommended this? I know we're going in for serious documentary recommendations about parenting. Have you? This is a space for it, Josh. This is a space for it. You can't all be fucking laughing for a minute, man.

Exactly. We had a good old laugh, and now we're showing that we're not dead inside. Have I recommended the John Bishop documentary about his son? No. Oh, man, it is absolutely brilliant. It's called Life After Death, D-E-A-F, and his son lost his hearing at the age of 15. Wow, that's late, isn't it?

Yeah, and it's about John Bishop and his son, and it's really moving because it's about how the family and particularly the relationship between John and his son Joe uh was affected by this and John Bishop's he beats himself up a lot about how he reacted to it he tried to solve it rather than try to kind of identify with it I think and yes it follows john bishop and his son as they try and kind of rebuild the relationship and john bishop learned sign language to do a gig in sign language to deaf people oh that's good and it's incredibly moving and brilliant and it's on itvx and i'd highly recommend we should definitely get john bishop on to talk yeah we should i can't believe you

haven't got him on before to be honest yeah but yeah oh that's that's interesting i didn't know that and i do think sometimes you do with those sort of any sort of issues in life and obviously your kids is a big part of your life you do try and solve it rather than totally and i think accepting it is the you know he said like for years he was like i'm a he's a soul and i know the thing was i was watching it and i was thinking i know that is what I would do. I know I would go, right,

how do we do this? What didn't, what needs doing so that this isn't happening anymore. But instead he kind of learns through this documentary. I mean, I don't want to kind of, but you know, um, that it's about living this new life and adapting to it.

And they go and meet like, um, this guy goes and plays football with a deaf team and stuff. Cause his son, I think also has gone on this journey where he didn't want to accept that he was deaf. So didn't want to do stuff like play for deaf football team or things that calls marked him out in that way.

But it's great. That's good. Yeah. It was on in September, but I'm sure it'll still be on itvx yeah i'm sure they will um yeah joe yeah john and joe bishop life after death itvx there you go there you go any recommendations michael we've turned this into richard and judy's documentary club i've got a really good documentary about the nike jordan

so that you've just plugged your own documentary there go on the director's sexy as hell the Nike Air Jordan endorsement deal called One Man in His Shoes. There we go. So you've just plugged your own documentary there. Is it true the director's sexy as hell? And what's it called? It's actually your documentary. What's it called, Michael, properly? I misheard that. It's called One Man in His Shoes. And I believe if there's any sales agents or distributors out there,

the licensing period is about to come back again this year. Unbelievable. sales agents or distributors out there the licensing period is about to come back again this year unbelievable john bishop's son going on a journey discovering a new life after a diagnosis of being deaf and now you're flogging your fucking licensing deal you should be ashamed of yourself um all seriousness though so where can you watch it at the moment uh i think in this country it's probably still on iplayer onlayer one man in his shoes and yeah if you want to buy it can you pause it can you pause it

oh dear there we go there we go should we do a couple of bits of should we do a couple of bit correspondi before we go

oh yeah that's a good idea have you got it up shall I read some out yeah go you do it you do it for a fucking change put a shift in what kind of correspondence do you want?

Kids saying the wrong things. Boomers! Let's do kids saying the wrong things. We've had a lot of booms, haven't we? Yeah. Cute things your kid says. My five-year-old said to me when she was tired, Mummy, I'm so tired I've got ball bags under my eyes.

I didn't bother correcting her, and she still says it. Sam, mum of three from Essex, I'm very much excited about a night out at the o2 in april to see you boys yeah boy tickets still available for wembley and nottingham wembley and nottingham tickets still available they're going to be the best ones i love the part listening to mispronounced words from the kids my eldest who is 11 from the past few years has always called them quality treat. That makes much more sense. That makes so much more sense.

A quality treat rather than quality street. When I corrected her, she said it didn't make sense. She figured it was quality treats because they were in fact quality treats. Yeah, where does the name quality street name come from? I don't know. Is it like a place? Yeah. Well, it is like a place. I think they've gone for like

a folksy kind of name, haven't they? Or they're all made in a fake street. It was originally developed by Macintoshes of Yorkshire, which founded the Sun Harold Macintosh, developed Quality Street in the 1930s to create an affordable, highly coloured assortment of chocolates and sweets. I might invent some sweets. Yeah, go on.

All right, Jamie Lang, calm down. On that, I don't want to recommend another documentary, but I watched a lovely documentary series on Channel 4 called The Secret Life Of, in which they went through different industries and the history of them, and one of them was on sweets. And they're like,

so it'd be like the history of crisps in the UK. And it's like all about the fight between walkers and golden wonder and stuff like that. Right. And it is both nostalgia and fascinating because these people fucking hate each other. The Burger King McDonald's wimpy one is really good. Wimpy's clinging on in there.

And they get like the person from Burger King to try a Big Mac onto a camera and they're like, oh, it's very dry. I've never liked them. I really love it. Yeah. I love that. I love the sort of insular nature of like when people are in their job or in their world and they just know everything.

So Macintosh, the Macintoshes, they started up Quality Street, also did the Rolo, Caramac. He was the king of the toffee, this guy. He was the king of the toffee. guy he was the king of the toffee and have they been absorbed into another company now they merged

with round trees oh yeah well this is this is and they've all been bought by Nestle and do you know what the biggest thing

to come out of that what would you say round trees biggest sweeters wine gum the other one no that's fruit gum fruit fruit hard ones no the sugary ones are the fruit michael michael come on why's michael fruit pastels yeah okay

i'd get fucking nailed it to be fair yeah so the voiceover which is joe brand and every interviewee they're called fruit pastilles really yeah withinwee, they're called fruit pastilles. Really? Yeah. Within the sweet industry, they're called fruit pastilles. Or do you think Joe Brand got bored and just whacked a bit of swazz on it? I'll ask her about it when she does one of our live shows. So, yeah, Mashing Tosh Coffee is the biggest candy place in the world.

And then his son basically brought out the Quality Street. Oh, there we go. What's the rival of the Quality Street? Oh, there we go. What's the rival of the Quality Street? Is it the Cadbury's Roses? Are they still a thing? The Roses and the Heroes

and Celebrations came out of the woodwork and they were very much second gen. Yeah. Do you reckon the Roses... I think Cadbury's has nicked the Quality Street idea.

Can you still get Cadbury's Roses? Yes, you can. Every Christmas, you know how to. Can you? Oh, yeah, you can. It was introduced in 38 after Quality Street was launched by Macintoshes in 36.

Oh, the roses. Do you know, in different countries, they've got different flavours in different colours. Oh, my word. This is my kind of podcast. What was your favourite one? My favourite Quality Street or favourite rose? Favourite rose. I think we only had Quality Street, and my favorite was the long thin toffee finger of course it was you got like a post-war

mouth haven't you i'd sit there and i'd think about the foundation of the nhs it was lovely just still only have one egg a week out of respect um what's your favorite did you like did you like when they brought the big ones out on their own uh not really i found it too much but i like the purple one you know the purple the hazelnut the nut in the middle so my dad used to love that because we were rose your quality street obviously why this podcast works exactly you're east germany on west everything down the fucking middle um i'm up, you're down. You know, happy medium. It's worth something for everyone. So, no, what we used to do is I used to,

most Christmases I used to nick all of my dad's favourite ones and then plant ones in there, but with the wrappers and hide them to annoy him. Nice, nice. Classic, very good. Classic stuff there. One more quick. My daughter daughter Cecile

has always said fast backward for rewind. She's now nine and still says it. We find it so cute we don't correct her. That is another one

where I think it's correct. Oh. Josh mentioned that Lou could use Rob's back shaving shenanigans as unreasonable behaviour for divorce. I believe that.

FYI the law changed last year and you can't blame the other person now from Louise, divorce lawyer in Newcastle. So you can't blame the other person? No, she's also asked for her details to be sent on to Lou. Sorry, what's going on here? So is the solicitor getting in touch to represent Lou for a divorce?

Right, let's do a small business shout-out. Let's just do the small business shout. Can you divorce me? Because I don't, because I ask her politely to shave my back hair. No, she can't anymore. You're in the clear.

Fucking hell. Yeah. Yes. That time. She didn't ask for her details to be sent on to Lou. I'll just add that. Oh, that was banter.

Yeah, that was banter. Can I get hers though, just in case? Yeah. For representation, not for a new wife. Why don't we do Saffron Walden again, Rob? Twice in the episode.

Hi. My partner Zoe is a single parent, a former international level judo player and coach at Saffron Walden Judo Club. Yeah, sure. I've got a story about Saffron Walden after this. A community club. It's an actual S-dub special.

Yeah. So on a volunteer basis, she's in the process of setting up her own business in Saffron Walden after this a community club S-dub special yeah so on a volunteer basis she's in the process of setting up her own business in Saffron Walden SW Judo Tots it's a preschool

judo club teaching 3 to 4 year olds the fundamentals of judo physical literacy spatial awareness and safe falling as well as socialising

by working with other children it's due to open on Monday the 20th of February offering Monday and Thursday sessions all information can be found at SW Judo Tots I'm really hopeful It's due to open on Monday the 20th of February, offering Monday and Thursday sessions.

All information can be found at SWJudoTots. I'm really hopeful for it to be successful and be so grateful for a mention on your podcast. Big fan of the podcast. Thanks, Kai. Kai, good old Judo. What's your Saffron Walden story? My friend was in Saffron Walden for lockdown. Oh, yeah.

And, you know, on Thursday nights when we'd uh go and clap on the um streets and somebody would hit pans across the road out of the house came minty from east enders yeah and he played the saxophone love it absolutely love it um do you want one more small business and then we're done. Hi, Rob and Josh. Love the podcast. My name is Emily, and I'm the events and marketing manager for Golfin, spelled G-O-L-P-H-I-N, like dolphin, but golf.

And listen to the podcast religiously. We are a small children's golf manufacturer based in Scotland. We work hard to grow the game of golf around the UK and beyond by reaching parents of small children with the hope of introducing them to our clubs. We're a tiny team. Probably helps make the clubs a bit of fun. We're hoping to grow out of Scotland into England more. We would love a shout out on the podcast.

We'd definitely love to send your kids a free set of clubs as a thank you. You don't need to do that. We're not doing that. We don't do bribes here. We don't do bribes, but thank you do bribes but thank you for offering the bribe but we turn the bribe down if you want to send them

send them to a charity or auction them off on our behalf please yes Instagram golfing4kids g-o-l-p-h-i-n-f-o-r-k-i-d-s golfing4kids

there you go get yourself some golf clubs for your children that is good Josh it's been an absolute pleasure I'll see you next time. See you next time.

Bye. Bye.