Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP17: Zen and the Art of Screaming Into a Pillow...

Episode Date: March 7, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with oliver can you say rob beckett can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Whitcomb? Josh Whitcomb Beckett. Well, I'd argue that the dad said my surname wrong there. I think he's got that wrong, Rob. Yeah, I do too. Kid didn't stand a chance.

What's that loser called? Hello, Jamie here from across the pond in Grand Prairie, Canada. Oh, he's fucking Canadian, mate. He's all over the gaff, poor fella. It's not his fault. He's fucking choking on maple syrup. This is Oliver, who's four years old. Love you guys for keeping us sane with no family here.

Keep it quiet. Oh, he's English. Emma and Jamie. There we go. Also British. Oh, do you know what I hate more than anything is when you go, you know, someone's moved from the UK and they speak fully American or like Canadian or wherever they've gone and they don't realize they do

yeah like come on I've kept my accent already you can tell I'm from Liverpool you've got a much more of an array of accents than you use normally in your life like I wouldn't have you down as an accent guy but actually you've got them in your locker that's not a good American accent that was a that was a crap one on purpose i'm quite good at like keller oh my god like totally going to the beach later and casey's gonna be there and apparently he is coming in his new car i don't know whether you get a role doing that as a sexy teenage girl in a in america that's sort of was that a girl that was yeah you know that's not just that is no but it's not quite that's not a sexy teenage girl you know but teenagers in like 20 years old let's move on there

but you know like those sort of oh god what am i saying i think casey made me think about baywatch because that was her name in it how are you you, Rob? I'm struggling this morning. It's too cold. It's minus one, and I had to defrost a car. What is going on? Yeah, defrosting a car. How do you do it, Rob? Well, actually, so my new one's actually quite good.

The electric car is quite good at it. I don't know why. It's only little, but one on the bigger car, because we've got a family one for long journeys kind of thing when we go away. That one, I half boil a kettle and pour it on. I love boiling the kettle. I love the feeling. But not full boil.

Do you not do full boil? No, not full boil in case I worry the screen's going to crack. Yeah, I always worry that's going to happen. But then I think it's never happened to anyone else. So why should it happen to me? Yeah, that would definitely be on the news or like on YouTube. Yeah, it'd be a thing you'd know. That'd be on TikTok, Instagram.

Oh, blimey. All the old screen crackers are in now. We're going to get so many emails from people who go, actually, your fully boiled kettle can crack a windscreen. It happened to my aunt. Yeah, and do you know what I say to those people? Fuck off. We're just having a bit of a laugh.

Yeah, those hypothetical people that we've never met absolutely do what? Just go away. Just shut up. Who cares? Leave us alone. Leave us. Stop listening.

Just let us talk to each other with no one else and fucking nose it in. I tried to Google cracked screen from pork kettle and I just wrote fuck off into Google. Not really fuck off, actually. We do need you. Please listen.

If you don't listen, we're completely screwed. We do. But we know we're factually incorrect all the time. Always factually incorrect. Bad idea, boiling a kettle. Can boiling water crack windscreen?

Putting boiling water on a frozen windshield will not cause the windscreen to shatter. Yes, here we go. Vehicle windshields. Shove your emails up your fucking arse. That's what I say. Yeah, fucking... Print the email off, fold it up, stick it in your bum.

That's what you should do. And then scan your arsehole and then send it in as a PDF, you fucking losers. Okay, vehicle windshields are constructed using laminated safety glass, which is a piece of polyvinyl boutrel. Right, now this is boring podcasting. Yeah, it's absolutely fine, mate. So fuck off.

But I still wouldn't fully boil it, Josh. I'm not confident enough. I love it. It just works so well. It's the best, isn't it? It's absolutely the best. It's one of those jobs that make you feel like a grown-up man. Yeah.

Like a dad. It's like, I'm a dad. I'm a bloody dad here. And I'm boiling a kettle to put on the windscreen. And then I've run out of water, so I'm doing the side windows with my bloody Oyster card. Let's have it. Have you still got an Oyster card?

No. No? I've got... What have I got? I've barely got cards now, Rob, because I've got Apple Pay. Oyster card. Let's have it. Have you still got an oyster card? No. No. I've got... What have I got? I've barely got cards now, Rob, because I've got Apple Pay. Yeah. And I've got a loyalty card

to the toy shop around the corner. That's literally it. And you're just scraping the... You're just using your phone now to scrape it. That's the problem, yeah. Yeah. That's the problem. Apple haven't dealt with that,

really, have they? That's the thing. You know, you get rid of certain technology and you lose a bit. You lose a bit. But anyway, no, I'm all good. I'm a bit annoyed it was cold. I did an interview on BBC Radio London at 8.30am

that I forgot about until 8.25am for the Wembley shows. Oh, good on you, Rob. Thank you. Yes. No, because we're doing the tour. Parenting Hell live, the tour. It's hitting arenas soon. Wembley Arena and Nottingham Arena.

There are tickets left. Everywhere else is near enough sold out. Yeah, there's a few in Manchester I've heard. Oh, is there? So, getting fast on Manchester. That'll be the first one as well. That'll be when you're the first 30 seconds of that of me and Josh just shitting ourselves.

Oh, my God. That's the one to go to, isn't it? No, all of them are. Actually, I'd say say not only the ones the ones i'd want to get tickets for but that's just me not even wembley the ones i'd get tickets for yeah absolutely yeah i wouldn't bother yeah um i just slagged off you les on uh radio london and the presenter was losing her mind because she knows she's just gonna get texts about you les all day oh yeah yeah and she would all that the the mayor will message you. And I was like, bring it.

What, Sadiq Khan? Sadiq Khan, yeah, because I was slagging it off. Because he's listening. Oh, he sees little pet projects in it. Like, oh, ULEZ. Does he want, do you know what's not in the ULEZ zone, Sadiq? Wembley Arena. If you fancy it, there's still a few tickets available.

It is now. Oh, is it? Go to Nottingham then, Sadiq. Well, they're spreading it out. There'll probably be a Nottingham soon. And then I was like, well, let's not get into this. Sorry it go to nottingham then sadiq well they're spreading it out it'll probably be in nottingham soon and then i'm sorry let's not get into this sorry let's not get into this i feel like i'm in a cab okay all right okay let's not how are you what you've been up to what's going on how's your family how are your kids how's life my daughter is currently i'm i'm parenting as we speak rob she's off ill no. Rose is busy this morning.

Yeah. So, any time. My daughter is currently on our bed. iPad? With Peppa Pig on an iPad. Yes, okay, classic. She wanted to read a book about space and have the iPad. And I'll be honest, the book about space,

it got thrust aside within 30 seconds of her sitting down in favour of Peppa Pig on the iPad. It's going to be Peppa Pig all day. Let her crack on with it, mate. Yeah, exactly. honest the book about space it got thrust aside within 30 seconds of her sitting down in favor of pepper pig on the ipad it's gonna be pepper pig all day let her crack on with it mate yeah exactly so she can come in at any moment i keep getting it everyone's ill she's not that ill she lying no she's not lying i don't think she isn't she isn't herself but do you know what i don't think's helped what's that i? I'm going to throw this out there. I've not been myself for seven years, Josh. No? Is this not you?

I think it is, actually. I think I actually am myself. Yeah, I think you are. I just sort of did that as a joke. That would be the kind of thing I'd say on a panel show, that I'd get in the edit and I wouldn't mean. And it'd be like, that's a bit weird, isn't it? And I'd be like, it's too late now. I had to say something.

I had to say something, mate. I was on the telly. She's been watching a very good show that I watched yesterday called Get Well Soon, which is hosted by Dr. Ranj. Yeah, yeah. And it's about, like, illness and injury and stuff. I think it's gone into her head.

I think she's... I think she's thinking too much about illness, and so she stuff i think it's going to her head i think she's i think she's thinking too much about illness and so she's she's ill now she's ill now or she thinks she's ill now do you know what i mean oh no yeah it's a munchausen syndrome i'm i'm in a horrible mood i basically if i didn't work that much last week and i've got a few days off this week i sort of i become like i like winding people up I'm very annoying to perform don't you Rob yeah I need to get I've got an energy in me that has to get out I have to purge and I used to have to scream into a pillow um but yeah I do need are

we gonna are we gonna dig into that a bit more what the old pillow scream yeah well we just gonna float past so you just have to scream into a pillow? Did you ever use a scream into a pillow as a kid? No. I didn't. No? No. At least I didn't choose violence. I would not describe that as one of your eternal observations, Rob. Yeah, so it would get too much and I'd just scream until I was exhausted,

then I'd pass out. Right. Oh, dear. Is that okay? If I pass out, I'd be so tired, I'd just sleep for a bit. And what's everyone else doing while you're screaming into a pillow? Well, I'm in the garden and they're indoors. They can't even get in.

You're in the garden? They don't know I'm doing it. Yeah, so I go in the garden and scream into... I take a pillow with me. Or in the garden or somewhere where they weren't near, because it was a small house, so everyone knew what you were doing. So I'd sort of find a corner, go in the toilet or something with a pillow, scream into it as loud as possible

and then sort of just try and re-assimilate with the rest of the family yeah, well that's interesting have you spoken to someone about screaming into a pillow? Not really which is worrying considering I do speak to a therapist and that's not come up yet because there's been other more pressing matters yeah

in the two, three years i've spoken to someone it's on the list mate don't you worry about that it's a long old list don't you worry about that but no i don't i don't really speak to anyone i speak to someone now very occasionally like once every few months if something crops up as opposed to when i first started speaking to someone i spoke to them every week um yeah for yeah for a few couple of months and then it sort of went to every few weeks it's sort of just everyone's different really basically yeah totally the key is though resting and not not working yourself too hard and then everything else is easier you know

you can't still be a workaholic and a life where you can afford to rest it is yes exactly i was in a lucky privileged position to be able to yes um afford the therapy and rest um but they do do stuff on the nhs as well i went to nhs before uh about 10 10 years ago um and and did some counseling on the nhs all through that my gp so anyone else screaming to a pillow let me know what have you screamed into email in what have you screamed into have you screamed into the fridge have you screamed into the night sky little tip never scream into a memory phone because you don't want to be reminded of what you were screaming really nice bit of business really nice really nice how's your parenting been how's parenting um been good actually because i've

been at home a lot more last week because it was a bit crazy with traveling a few weeks um but i i'm i think this is this is a problem i have when i'm working too much i i struggle to get back into normal socializing yes you know that small we don't do small talk in our job really it's very much like to the point with stand-up and stuff like that it's not that call you don't have colleagues really yes you have to sort of just exist with and talk to them about other things other than work so like for example like i was with i was at the school pickup and the kids come out and i was with a couple of other parents and there was like it was oh what did you do today and i went oh we did funky fingers and you know what's that you stick your finger up the bum and smell it to the kids to everyone involved in the playground right how

did that go down rob you need to get you need to scream into a pillow rob if that's what you before the school run just a quick scream into a pillow just to get it out i know would you put did you put your finger on your bum and smell it? As I said that, I was like, why have you said that? Oh, my God. That is awful. Because it was like kids. And then luckily my daughter went, no, funky fingers is when you do that.

And it's like, I think they use paint or they've got finger puppets. Yeah, I think that's probably more likely. finger puppet. Yeah, I think that's probably more likely. As things go, I'd say, I'd say it's almost worse that your daughter in front of the other kids and parents just kind of rolled with the punch of you saying that as if that's a

normal thing to say. Like she acted like, yeah, that, all right. Yeah. That would be my dad's response. Whereas everyone else is going,

what the fuck just happened there? Your daughter's like, no, no, no, it's not that, obviously. I understand why you've said that.

But I think I'm the, I'm going to be the weird dad at school, essentially. I'm the weird one. Going to be. Well, I am the oddball. Like,

you know, some of the clothes, they all wear like sort of work clothes. I go in like, some days I look, sometimes I've got, I've been tarmacking, because I'll wear like sort of work clothes i go in like some days i look what sometimes i've got i've been tarmacking because i just wear like comfy tracksuits and stuff and i think through talking to someone i used to be so concerned about what everyone thought about me every single social interaction and i would i would doom spiral

if i was horrible to someone or did something wrong everything would fall apart i'd catastrophize and then everyone would say if i know when it would ever come and see me do stand up again and then i'd basically be living on the streets and lou and the girls never spoke to me that's how my brain would what that's what my brain would be good for the show though wouldn't it oh great for the show good for the show so so i i am i am i think slightly annoyingly um i annoy lou a little bit where if she wants to vent about something i'll look at it from a zen approach but it's not actually fun being zen it is quite fun gossiping about people and slagging people that is fun yeah isn't it but it's not it's fun being zen it's not fun hanging

out with someone who's zen a hundred percent apps that is so insightful Josh that is so true it's fun being zen it's awful being near someone that's zen that is so true and we were talking about something and Lou was were talking about something and lou was moaning about something and i was like well you know it is what it is all these like wanky sort of sayings that i that helped me and she went you know what you've spoken to your therapist too much fuck off to your office yeah you want to hang around with someone who's troubled that's ideal oh they're the best ones especially if you're zen because then you don't take their problems on it's the ultimate win-win you just go there on their life journey and then you just sort of

wander off not thinking about anything well it's great i'd be interested in your take on this so i'd say i'm coming towards that i'm certainly certainly more than i was on the podcast last year i'm sure we could all agree on that yeah but what i like about you is you are very you're i think you've done very well to be calm however if a certain subject comes up you can still in your locker which makes you great company can go immediately red start sweating and clapping your hands together let's talk about that subject okay yeah that's quite key i think my 40th is approaching and i can't engage with it rob i simply and let before everyone thinks i'm struggling with turning 40 i'm not struggling with turning 40 that's the way no no okay but that's exactly the kind of thing someone would say. No, but of course.

No, I'm willing to engage with what I'm struggling with here. Sorry, go on. I'll listen. I don't like the centre of attention party situation. Cool. Sorry, just double check. Which arena are we doing first? Manchester Arena?

Sorry, you don't like being in a big party atmosphere, centre of attention, attention everyone look at me come and see me do my big show kind of stuff no i'm looking for to nottingham mainly um so um no i don't like i tell you what it is also i'm really trying to not drink at the moment yes every time i drink time I drink, I don't enjoy it. And I'm like, I'm not enjoying it. I need to stop drinking for a period. Yes. Of now till death. I don't think it's good for you.

You sort of go hard or not at all. Exactly. And the 40th is like putting yourself intentionally in the position where you have to drink and you've organized it yourself. So there's things like, I'm like, oh God, the O2 is going to be tough to you have to drink and you've organised it yourself. So there's things like I'm like, oh God, the O2 is going to be tough to not have a drink after. But I'm doing the O2.

That is what it is. But to organise your own party and then not drink it, it's a fucking nightmare. Well, yeah, but other people do it, don't they? You don't have to drink. I know, but I can do with it being about six months further down the line. Can I tell you something, Josh? Yeah.

Yeah, because basically your birthday is just before we go on the arena tour. So you don't want to get absolutely, you want to get, have a big party after the tour, really. You don't want to be doing. No, I don't want to have a big party. Okay. Well, do you know what? I think you, I, and most people have groups of friends yeah that on a night out even though they're your friends yeah if we're all honest you can only suffer if you've

got four pints in you right okay yeah don't we can't bring will briggs up again on the podcast people don't even know he is no he's actually every bloody way he's all right he's a good so much but i think if you were brutal and you wrote a list, right? Say, write a list of everyone that you wanted to come to your... But what if they're listening, Rob? No, no, no. And then they see that they're on the shit list. No, no, don't...

They've not made the list because they're only fun when I'm drunk. Don't publish the list. No. By them not now being invited... So, can I just say, if you think you're going to be invited to my 40th and you don't get invited to my 40th, there wasn't a 40th. It isn't that I've cut you from the list. Here we go.

You write the list, okay? Everyone that you would invite to your 40th that you think, this would be the kind of person we'd invite, write the list. Tick the ones that you could handle sober. Yeah. For a whole night, maybe a weekend. Tick them, right? Bad news for us, but at least we won't have to get a baby, sir.

People that you think, actually, do you know what? It's just because I've known them for years. I don't really enjoy their company anymore. They've changed. They married someone I don't really like. Little cross, right? However, hear me out. Invite them all to the 40th.

Yeah. And for you, it's the 40th, but also in its own way of saying goodbye to some people. Oh, my God. And then moving forward... It's a wake. You just phase out those little people with the crosses. But... You like it, don't you?

I don't want to phase anyone out. You like it. I've tented you. What a life you could lead. I've basically phased people out anyway, Rob, by having children. That's how I've phased them out. life you could lead. I've basically phased people out anyway, Rob, by having children. That's how I've phased them out. No, but I'm just saying, what a world we'd live in.

Because you'd get to that 40th and you'd go, why is he here? He's actually quite annoying. Or she's a bit of a pain in the arse. But if you're at the party, you know in your head, there's a little cross on them. This will be the last time I do this. And the second part of my life is going to be so much nicer and simple. Is it? Is it indeed?

Have I turned callous? I feel like I'm the baddie. I think, I think superhero. I think we know what you're doing for your 40th and it's going to be like the fucking hunger game. I am fucking off on holiday and not wasting my money on other people. Well, exactly.

I'm going to end up spending money behind a bar that I can't use myself because I'm not drinking. And then you'll be trying to get your money's worth out of it, that old adage. Well, I've paid for the bar, I might as well get the money. Quadruple vodka, please. Exactly, Rob. I don't know what to do. I'm panicking about my 40th. There's other things related to my 40th, Rob.

What's that? I'm going to start dressing more smartly. You are so... You are really struggling with turning 40. Maybe I am. Maybe I don't realise I am. You are. But that's okay. Because I think part of the drunk thing is,

I don't think it's becoming of someone who's hitting 40. Do you know what I mean? To be drunk. I think you're too of someone who's hitting 40. Do you know what I mean? To be drunk. I think you're too upset about what people think. You're worried about how your behaviour is seen. You're worried about what clothes you wear is seen. What are you going to wear then? I think you're fairly smart.

What are you going to wear? I'm thinking of bringing in blazers. What was that noise? That was me taking a drink and laughing. Okay, talk me through the blazer. A nice deconstructed blazer with a shirt, chinos, shoes. Chinos. Jeans gone, trainers gone. I don't like the blazer and jeans look.

I just don't like it. This is not forever. This is say, we're going to the theatre, I'm going out for dinner. I dress up for my 40th, Rob. Right. You are going to look mental. I'm not going to look mental. What do you mean I'm going to look mental?

What shoes are you wearing? Do you know what I'll do, Rob? Yeah. I'm going to trial it on the last leg this week. Yes. I want to see the new smart Josh. And then you can talk about it. I'm turning 40.

I'm feeling about going smart. What do the viewers think? Is it okay? Yeah. Is it okay to wear Converse over 40? You know, that kind of stuff. I heard, yeah. Is it okay to wear trainers over 40, Rob?

Look, I think Jonathan Ross looks really cool. He's in his 60s and he dresses in whatever he wants. Yes, but he's Jonathan Ross, so he buys it because he's such a big personality. You're a big personality, you're a star you're a star of stage and screen you're an arena feeling comic mate i am not in the east midlands i'm not but in other areas forget about not in them yeah forget about it looks like the n25 you're a double arena feeling comic exactly mate the northwest or wales i'm an arena filling

comic yeah 10 miles from east midlands partway airport no no but yes okay what shoes you're wearing i'd say probably you know maybe a pair of uh just a nice pair of suede smart shoes what was that noise again i just say again? I just see you in the shop getting your little shoes with roses and going, yeah, that's good, Josh. That was a nice one. You go to the theatre, you little fucking dweeb. What is going on?

Who am I? I don't know. That's the problem. So basically, you can have... No, not on my birthday. I'm not having a transformation like, I don't know. A sacrificial converse burning the day before. No, because obviously I need trainers to go to the shops or do the run.

Oh, so you're not going to wear smart all day? No, I'm not. I'm not Bill Nighy. No, I'm not. I know what you mean. I need to sort out what I'm not. Like, but, like... I do, I know what you mean. I need to sort out what I'm doing. I want to have different options, so I'm not, so that I'm like,

tonight I'm going to go smart, because I'm going out for dinner. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, and then tomorrow, maybe I'm going to see a band. I'm not going to wear shoes to see a band, Rob. So you're going to see Blur at Wembley. What you got on?

You got your Hush Puppy suede on. No, I'm not. And the word Hush Puppy is coming from... No, of course not. Although I could wear a blazer. So what are you going to wear to Blur? I'll probably wear... I don't know what I'm going to wear to Blur.

Probably a t-shirt, jacket, jeans and trainers. Yeah, but you're changing now. You'll be 40 dressed like that. Yeah, but it's the context, isn't it? So you'll be dressed the same as a 20-year-old there? No, I won't be dressed the same as a 20-year-old. Well, that's what they'll wear. There won't be a 20-year-old in that fucking stadium, Rob. I'll be one of the youngest people there. A lot of 20-year love steve davis dj i can't wait well i'm looking forward to seeing your outfit on last leg this week i'm gonna dress up smart oh good i can't wait but yeah it doesn't matter if you know maybe some tips for anyone else that was struggling with turning 40 i'm not struggling with turning 40 i feel like you are and that's okay i don't know

it's a big jump do you mean because you you know you. I don't know about it. It is a big jump. Do you know what I mean? Because, you know. You don't need to. I don't think it's a big jump. If anything, it's just water for ducks back for me. Well, I think it is really. Because this is.

When you're 30. When you turn 30, you're sort of in the midst of like. Still like bumping on with your career. Doing this. Am I going to have kids? Or have I got kids? Or blah, blah, blah. But now, this is it.

This is your lot. Yeah, I'm on the scrappy. You've got your job. No, no, no. You're not on the scrappy. But you've got your job. You've got your kids. it this is your lot yeah you've got your job no no you're not on the scrappy but you've got your job you've got your kids you've got your wife you've got your house yeah so like what happens now do you grind out till you die oh my god it's that talking head song what you you know what what is it your what is what is Josh Whittakam going to become with the second half of his life is it this till death are you gonna push the envelope I'd take another four years now. Exactly.

I was thinking that this morning. I was thinking I might do it. What is the second part of your life? I know our agent listens to this. I was thinking maybe in five years I'll just have a complete career change. And then I thought, no, I won't. No, but why not?

Because I'm good at this and I've got far with it, Rob. Yeah, but just because you've got far doesn't mean you shouldn't change and start again if that's what your heart desires. I can't be bothered. It's the same reason I don't gig abroad. I don't want to have to start again. You don't want to have to prove

yourself. I don't want to have to prove myself again. I'm done proving myself. I've proved myself. Now I want to coast. I tell you where you need to prove yourself. Not in them. Get up there and show those guys what you can do. Get a ticket ball um anyway no all right well i'm looking forward to seeing you know outfit on the last leg oh god pressure's on now um do you want some more stuff from my parenting week yeah yeah it's been quite busy actually um so uh well

this is not parenting but uh fairly interesting um i've either got early hay fever or i'm allergic to my dog oh here we go it robs robs time the move to get rid of the dog no we've all been anticipating it what tactics you're gonna go for he's allergic it's the only things i can think of because i've been away a lot and then i've been at home a lot so the dog's been around me on me you know as as dogs are so i said to lou and lou i've either got hay fever in february or i'm allergic to the dog and she just went you're not allergic to the dog so basically basically i've either got hay fever or i'm gonna have red eyes and a runny nose for the next 12 years till it dies right well he died good news for you fred died oh my god 12 as well he could easily

live a lot more than that Rob nah about 14 they died didn't they dogs well he could make 20 dogs are getting you know

modern age dogs are a little longer I bet you're feeding it good food as well oh he's got a lovely life he's got what he's well treated

his dog's treated like that he gets better food than me look at the royal family, Rob. Think how long they live compared to other people. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they will live long.

Yeah. Do you know what annoys me? It's when people go, we don't deserve dogs. Pardon? You know, oh, we're so... They are the jammiest pet in the fucking world. Dogs don't deserve humans that are nice to them, do they? But you still like him, don't you?

Yeah. I love him. I love the dog. I know you do. And I'm looking forward to my boy. Between 10 and 13 years. Only 11, actually. Okay.

11 years of bloodshot eyes and runny nose for me. No. So I, one summer, had hay fever. Yeah. And it was only for one summer. Sometimes like... A certain pollen. Some pollen happens or something.

So for me, it's tree pollen. I get it early doors. It's the pollen off the trees, which is the first pollen. And then it moves to flower and grass and all that. But I'm all right with grass. It's just the tree. Right. The tree stuff.

Do you want to hear a good bit of good news about why it might not be the dog okay go on so when we got our cats we got our cats I was in Australia

filming The Last Leg Down Under Rose bought the cats I got back it'd been quite a stressful few weeks yeah because there was a lot

we travelled the full length of Australia while trying to make three hours of television and it was a long way into it a long way a lot of traveling in australia and we had to drive a van the whole way so it was quite intense the van well we took it in turns also on top of that uh the vegetarian food was fucking non-existent in the north of australia yeah yeah they love a bit of meat. Yeah. So, here we go.

I got home and the cats were there. And suddenly, I just had a very tight chest. Oh, no. And I was like, I'm allergic to the cats. And I couldn't really breathe very well for about a week. And Rose was like, I don't know if you are allergic to cats. I'm like, I'm allergic to cats. I'm definitely allergic to cats.

And then I went to the doctor. And it was the first signs that I was suffering from bad anxiety. Oh, really? So the good news is, it might not be the dog, Rob. You might just be going through a mental breakdown. No, no, because my chest isn't tight. I've just got bloodshot eyes. Right. You might just be so it

looks like i'm crying you scream too much no so this was funny so we had we went in they do a little thing where they like mid year you talk you go in and it's sort of like a parents evening but not the parents yeah we've got parents yeah like a kind of mini budget yeah it's a mini budget where basically what they say is they go one of the the teachers, I think it might be the, I don't know, the head of the primary school, who knows all the kids, they say, like, when she does a thing, like, on every Wednesday, if you book in a slot, you can have a catch-up about your child. Yeah, yeah.

You know, and, like, you don't have to do it, but if you want to. So we thought, oh, we'll do it. So we went in and was in there, and she was saying really nice things about my eldest daughter. It was only about my eldest daughter. She wasn't saying, like, bad things about my other daughter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just about the eldest daughter. She wasn't saying bad things about my other daughter. It was just about the eldest. She refused to offer any comments on the youngest one.

Yeah, yes. Yes, you'll be hearing from our solicitors with regards to you. No, it was just about my eldest. But my hay fever was kicking right off. And I was there and it was like, it looked like I was crying. And she went, don't get upset. It's all good. And I was like, I'm not upset.

It's even a dog on tree pollen. Because of the climate crisis, the pollen is falling earlier and hazel and ash trees dominate this area. Okay? It looked like I was crying. Are you worried because you're moving to the country as well? No, to be fair, not really. Because where we are now, there's loads of,

we live right near a big sort of country park already is something about the countryside when i moved to the city from the countryside at the age of 18 my asthma disappeared really yeah you wouldn't think that would you be the other way yeah so would i thought it's a black bogey thing as well that's a thing isn't it for people moving up from devon getting black bogeys yeah they moved to london because the nose isn't ready's a thing, isn't it, for people moving up from Devon? Is it? Getting black bogeys. Yeah, they move to London and get black bogeys. Oh, what, because the nose isn't ready for it? The nose isn't ready for it. It's all the dust and stuff like that.

The old country nose. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so actually, I found it more difficult to breathe in the country than in the city. Right, okay. I'll let you know if I struggle with my breath. Yeah. Because I'm five miles further away from where I already am. Well, you've become a country squire. with my breath yeah because i'm five miles further away from where i already am i'm not going i'm not

i'm going further out of london but i'm picturing you know if i'm gonna have a re-re-brand of my clothes i'm picturing you dressed like nigel farage when you moved to the country yeah but so just do you get the views first then the outfit or is it vice versa i think it's because you're doing so many walks, Rob. You go, well, I need some big walking wellies and boots, and then you go, well, I can't wear them with tracksuit trousers, so I should get a tweed jacket. Like Clarkson's Farm.

Exactly, Beckett's Farm. Because it feels like if you wore a flat cap and a barber gilet, it'd be very hard not to be racist exactly exactly i mean it's like come on like it's basically got like you sort of you are what you wear um oh yeah talking of moving though we've um we've we've moved um because where we're moving to we've left it was a virgin gym it was members of virgin gym that's where the kids used to do their uh swimming lessons and stuff yeah but there's a gym closer to the new place yeah and i didn't know these existed right we've joined a david lloyd but it's it's not a gym it's a leisure club oh here we go here we go

it's a leisure club so i went in there and it's unbelievable mate there's a three-star you walk in and then one side is all but where the kids go and the other side is like kids can go as well but it's more like for adults so on the kids side there's a three-story soft play josh bloody hell right three-story soft play and then you walk straight in from there to a family change with your own cabinet like your own they're like the cubicles and then get into the swimming pool oh my god God. You're basically in a country club, Rob. Yeah. You're a country squire. As soon as you move out of London, everything's more spacious. Yeah, of course it is, Rob.

I grew up in Devon. Yeah, but I didn't know this was a thing. There's like parking. There's like space. Rob, I didn't know the word parking until I was 18 because it wasn't an issue. You just stopped the car. We just stopped the car. We just stopped the car and got out.

Genuinely. I've told you this before. We didn't lock our house. We didn't have a key for our house. Really? We didn't lock it. Oh my god. We'd just go on holiday for two weeks. No. Yeah. And we wouldn't lock the front door.

And this would be like 90 yeah in the early 90s in the mid 90s yeah mid 90s yeah up to the late 90s my parents now lock the house if anyone knows where they live just to be clear

creeping round the widdicoms yeah but what's good about it is Josh yeah the family change because at the last gym

there wasn't one yeah my children don't have to see Harry Cox when they go swimming anymore oh yeah because you've got a perfectly hairless one no because i'll keep mine under lock and key but they don't have to walk them through the fucking yeah that's good that's good yeah awful i didn't realize how

good that was anyway so it's really nice on your way to being a country squad you're gonna be like alex james from blur before we know it right so. So Josh, this is what I did, right? This is like the closest I've ever had to a routine. Lou took my daughters to, our daughters to a party. So I had like a couple of hours spare. So I went to the gym, parked up. There's a little area, because it's space, where they clean your car. Like you pay, obviously, it's extra.

But like you can get your car cleaned, right? And my car was really dirty. So I went there. He went, oh, how long are you going to be? I was like, can get your car cleaned right and my car was really dirty so i went there he went oh how long you gonna be it was like a couple of hours i went in there i had a training session which i'll talk about in a minute then there's a spa i went in a spa josh yeah and then um after that i had some lunch and i had the premier league on in the bar area and you could get a pint of moretti if you wanted. You've got the Premier League and getting a pint of beer is not like, but this does sound like you're living in a different

world to me. All in one place and then I finished, the car was clean, then I drove to Radio 2 and did my radio show. And I felt like the Jetsons. I was living in the future. I couldn't believe it. So is this who you are now, Rob? I think I'm going to be, I think it's who I am. It's the lifestyle I want. I think the lifestyle's found me and I've found believe it. So is this who you are now, Rob? I think I'm going to be...

I think it's who I am. It's the lifestyle I want. I think the lifestyle's found me and I found the lifestyle. Oh, no. You're going to be playing doubles tennis, aren't you? Yes. You and Lou are going to be playing doubles tennis

against some other fucking... It's like a country... Country twats. Because the gym's actually a small part of it. They've got badminton. There's tennis. There's a pool. I'll be honest with you, Rob.

Yeah? I'll be honest with you. The Moretti and the bar showing the premier league you're not going to be gary barlow by 40 you've basically traded in the gym for another pub but i saw someone having a guinness i thought who's at the gym having a fucking i mean come on i'm like come on lads let's just keep our head in the game here surely um but yeah no it was great and then but then because when i signed up when you sign up you I'm like, come on, lads. Let's just keep our head in the game here, surely. But yeah, no, it was great.

And then, because when I signed up, when you sign up, you get like, you got a free like personal training induction to the gym session, right? Yeah. But you have to do it on the app. This is how you pull the Guinness, that kind of thing. No, no, no. So you have to do it on the app. Yeah.

And I had to pick one. What do you mean? And it felt like, well, they had like, they said, pick your trainer. And they have a picture of them and a profile. And like what they specialise in. And then a bit about them, like, you know, some was like, you know, rugby. I play rugby or whatever.

I was a tennis coach and all that. Whatever their sort of CV was. This is a big question. Do you prefer a male or female personal trainer? I think that says a lot about the man or the woman yeah like i've had this discussion with rose what do you prefer rob so i so i what personality do you want right so i don't know really okay so i wasn't really sure but i definitely what the right the way i broke it down was um i like, I don't want anyone that was a high level athlete.

Right. Because in my experience, when I've done Rob and Ramesh and you meet like Andy Murray and Andy Murray's tennis coach or the England football team, when they try and train you, they're so used to training high level athletes. It's why so few top football managers are great players. It's a classic. Exactly. Because they can't understand why people are shit. And they,

and your body's not up. They'll go like, right. So tense that muscle there. I'm like that, that muscle has never been hard ever. I don't know. I don't know what I need to do within my body to make that go hard.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Anyway. So, cause one was like, I'm an, I was a national level sprinter. I was like,

not for me. Oh yeah. Right. We're different, we're different species, mate. So I went for the, there was a, I went for a guy that was like a bit more like sort of um like well-rounded

played a bit of football but a bit more like me as opposed to someone that was like nearly in the olympics right yeah i mean so um but yeah so that and i so i did that that went well and then yeah i had a um a healthy smoothie and and i walked out the gym, Josh, with my bag. And it was the first time I've not been rushed. I didn't have a marie. And I walked out the gym with my gym bag, a green smoothie, and got in my clean car and drove to work. And I felt like I was Molly May.

Unbelievable. Who are you anymore? Who am I now? You've had your 40s transformation at 36. Yeah, my body's still a mess but i'm gonna that's but i've got three years now so how i'm gonna but at 40 i might do a heat magazine photo shoot okay that's the deal yeah that's the deal does it still exist heat magazine oh well i think they might they might bring it back for this edition

torso of the century um yeah so that was good so that was fun um but um yeah so we're on we're on the road i'm glad we're both not just thinking about turning 40 you're three years out and it's it's playing with your mind and i'm i'm only six months in my mind i just you've used the words gary barlow and 40 82 times on this podcast yeah no no, I'm not having an existential crisis about turning 40, but I do feel like if you're not in shape before 40, it becomes much harder to get into shape after 40. That's why I'm on the run-in now, mate.

Yeah, I feel like if you're entering 40 a bit in shape, you can sort of claw it back as you go. But if you're 47 and you're trying, it's harder. I'm not saying you can't do it. If anyone's there 47 doing couch to 5k good luck to you i'm sure you'll do it but i'm trying to give myself a fighting chance here we go here we go that's why it's good to get your kids into sport early yeah yeah sport early because you can sit at the side and just watch them but because i've got mates i've got mates who like do boxing and football and because they played properly like into their 20s and 25 went to the boxing and football. And because they played properly, like into their twenties and 25,

went to the gym and looked after themselves. Now they basically sort of, if they let it go for six months, if they get back in the gym, they can get ripped quick. Yeah. Here you go, Rob.

Do you know what? Yeah. We really have covered a lot of bases today. Yeah. Your worries about showing into pillow. My worries about being 40. Your worries about your body image. We've covered a lot. I've still, I've still got other bits, but from my, I've. My worries about being 40. Your worries about your body image. We've covered a lot.

I've still got other bits. I'm not really talking about the kids. And my daughter hasn't even disturbed me yet. No, she's all right. Do you want to check on her? Do you think I should? No, I don't think we're all the beast, actually. She's probably loving it.

Laying there in the mum and dad's bed. Peppa Pig on the go. If she wants something, she'll tell you. She might have fallen asleep, but that's fine. She's in her bed. Exactly. Fine. Okay. She's in the garden. Let's bring this home with some children chat then yeah okay so uh my youngest said to me daddy you've got teeth like a donkey at last she's noticed here we and did you say do you know what mate there's a 50 chance you will have when

you grow up exactly when did you realize you had big teeth when kids used to call me tombstone teeth at school right so do you think your daughters have escaped it yeah so my youngest sorry my eldest has got a front two teeth through and they're normal size because i had these teeth at six and it was insane something else but i don't know about the youngest because she's still got her baby teeth so she may be the same um but yeah it was weird though because obviously you know she's innocently going your teeth look a bit like the donkey teeth from shrek like yeah just because it is like a oh yeah she's not she's not going look at this fucking let's let's absolutely do him over yeah i'm gonna hammer him you to rammer him. You know, it was quite funny, quite sweet, actually. I was like, yeah, I'd do a bit.

Yeah. And then I was reading my seven-year-old's book, right? Yeah. No, no, it was my five-year-old's book, right? Yeah. Which I think is absolutely unacceptable. One of the words in it, right, it was a book about a magician, conjurer.

That's too hard for a five-year-old. Oh, what, she's got to read it herself? Yeah. Oh, that's tough, isn't it? I couldn't do it. We've started on book, they've just moved from ditties to books this week. What's a ditty? I don't know.

It's what they say. That's what they say. We're doing ditties at the moment. What the fuck's a ditty? It's like little poems on paper. You know when you're learning to read. Do you know what's weird i didn't realize how many different like schools i thought it was all the same but every school is different all

over the country like i'm in the northeast they have their half term about three weeks after i know it's weird it's like what's going on here like it is good because it kind of means it kind of staggers it i suppose i wish lond London just staggered all of them so that the traffic... It's such a boring thing to say. You've got to move out of London, mate. That's the future. Oh, shut up, country boy. Get yourself down to David Lloyd, mate.

Get a stretch of your legs. I'll tell you what, I'll talk to you about... I'll talk to you about book fair now and I'll talk to you about Recorder Club on Friday. We've got secondhand book thing on Friday. I didn't realise this. We've got to take in secondhand books for charity. Yeah, we've got to do that as well because it's world book day around this time i don't know when this

goes out about this week or next week or last week was what is is was world book day so you take in old books we're doing that we're taking in some old books to give to the school and then i don't know if they use them or they sell them or they donate to others i don't know what they do with them but the school collects old books. We're doing that. Since when? Yeah. Yeah.

And then the kids got to dress up, haven't they? Yeah. What are they going as? My eldest is going as one of the girl from the Wimpy Kid books. Yeah. I don't know what her name is. Oh, wait. My daughter's shouting for me.

My daughter's shouting for me, Rob. Go. Okay. And my phone started ringing. This is an absolute disaster. Okay, one sec. I can take this. I'll find out with a Wimpy Kid book.

Anyone that reads Wimpy Kids with their kids, quite boring, isn't it? The Wimpy Kid really does detail every part of his diary to the point where I'm like, come on, mate, get a move on, will you? I've had this with Adrian Mole. Now I'm doing it in stick form. So my daughter's going as Holly Hills.

We've got her a stripy dress and a little top. She looks really sad, though, Holly Hills. And my other daughter is going as the cat that sat on a gnat. Sorry. Oh, I was just talking. It's really hard without someone else, this. Yeah, I bet. I just didn't see the cat sat on the mat.

No, no, the gnat. The gnat. So my daughter, eldest, is going as Holly Hills from the Wimpy Kid books, which is a stripy black and white skirt, white top, white tights, and a sort of sad face with earrings. Yeah. I don't know what we're doing about the earrings. I think she's only picked her because she wants earrings, my daughter.

Right, yeah. And then my youngest is going as a cat that's sat on the gnat. So Lou got a fly off the internet, Teddy, and he's stapling it or sewing it to a cat onesie with a little fly swatter. Nice. What's your daughter going as? So she's got these books of ballet bunnies, about bunnies that do ballet. Okay.

So it's a leotard and bunny outfit. That's good. Because I think you can normally make it with a leotard and bunny outfit. That's good. Because I think you can normally make it with what you've got in the house. I've just realised that makes her sound like a playboy bunny, which is hugely inappropriate. But it's like a kind of ballet leotard. So she's wearing a leotard of a little bunny on her bunny ears.

I'm starting to worry now. Yeah, I'm starting to worry that that sounds... She's going to look like a playboy. That's not ideal. It's not great, is it? What about your boy?... That's not ideal. That's not ideal. It's not great, is it? What about your boy? He doesn't do it. He's too young.

Yeah, he's too young. He's not in on Fridays. So he's dodged it. He's dodged it. So yeah, my daughter's going in as a Playboy bunny. So that's good. Perfect. Yeah.

And then my one's going to get her ears pierced for the day. Yeah, yeah. Great parents. Just to celebrate books. To celebrate books and literature. oh this is something the book fair I don't know if your school's doing this where this is a perhaps I think it's a bit of a con this is what here we go this is what I'm here for so I got in kids come out of school book fair book fair there's a book fair we've got a voucher we've got a voucher I was like what's going on

here I've got a one pound off voucher of this book fair. And then the book fair is always situated in the hall that's right by the exit. So you have to walk past the book fair. Like leaving a zoo? Yeah, like leaving a zoo. Like leave, yeah, any sort of gift shop. You have to pass through. Exit through the gift shop. Yeah.

Of course everyone's straight in. But we've got a voucher. We've got money off. Yeah, you've got a quid off a £10 book. I'm £id down it. And there's a little book fair. There's always some sort of like, you know, like wacky fella in there selling books

and they're earning money off selling books. And the school are definitely getting a cut. Yeah, of course. It's the same as when you sell merchandise on tour, you have to give 20% to the venue. Yeah, exactly. There's no way that school's not getting 20%. And then you end up spending 20 quid on the way home. venue yeah exactly there's no way that school's not getting 20 and then they cut out that city

so that and then you end up spending 20 quid on the way home buying exactly two quid off oh mate you've been absolutely dumb i know but i don't want buying kids a book but on my terms not in a panic after school peer pressure environment of all the other kids getting books and you can't be the parent that goes you're not allowed a book no of course you can't be that parent that goes, you're not allowed a book. No, of course you can't be that parent. You've got a perfectly good iPad at home. I remember buying books from the book fair at primary school and I've just realised that it was the same deal. Even in the 90s, they were doing it. A good con's a good con, Josh.

Exactly. I've got a good story about Recorder Club that I'll tell on Friday oh I look forward to Recorder Club so I'm going to go and check on my daughter because she just told me she's bored there's nothing I can do about that she's the one oh that's a bit unfair

she's bored what are you going to do when a child's bored and they're ill I've got to get on with my day just say that to her shut up and get on with my day. Yeah. Just say that to her. Yeah. Shut up and get on with it. You're the one that's not at school.

You wouldn't be bored if you were at school. A small business shout out? Yeah. Here we go. Right. Have you got one? I've got one here. I sell books in the hall of a school.

Here we go. Here's an outline of Cal's vision homeless enterprise our son slash brother cow always an advocate for social change and social fairness found the homeless crisis broke his heart he passionately believed the homeless crisis is about more than just providing four walls it's important to encourage an individual sense of value worth worthiness security and friendship cow never walked past someone sleeping rough on the street you could always sit down next to him start a conversation ensuring that person felt heard and seen in his words i want to help to make them feel part of this world and unfortunately this world lost cow on the 7th of january 2021 age 23 cow struggled with the world's injustices and battled with his own mental health he fought to bring his vision to life but on that day depression

anxiety and his mental state took him to his darkest place so his friends and family inspired by his passion and heartfelt kindness have set up this business the cowsey tribe where you can buy clothes and t-shirts and stuff like that that are all got designs on from cow sketchbooks so cow had a sketchbook and 50 of all profits will go to the homeless charities that they work with they do these cowsy care kits full of hygiene products deodorant toothpaste toothbrushes socks underwear lip salve and stuff like that that they can give out to people that are currently homeless so let me give you the um website if you want to buy some of this merch you can so the instagram is cowsey c-a-l-z-y dot vision v-i-s-i-o-n and that's where you can buy these really cool t-shirts all designs

by a cow who's unfortunately not with us anymore but um proceeds will go to homeless charities that's a good one isn't it josh that is a good one i wouldn't want to follow that one i wouldn't want to follow that one with a kind of just i've set up a coffee shop so i'm gonna go with hi both please could you give my new business a shout out i've recently started inclusive e-learning i design affordable digital learning experience with a focus on accessibility and inclusivity i am to reach of learners, including those with disabilities or who are neurodiverse. My website is www.inclusive... What would you... hyphen, that's what you call them.

www.inclusive-elearning.co.uk Love the podcast. Can't wait for Tuesday and Friday for new episodes. Thank you, Joe Cottingham. I think you need to do some fucking e-learning. What was that? What hyphen was? I was going to say dash,

and I was like, it's not called a dash, is it, in this modern world? You got it, though. You rescued it. Exactly. Great, great fun today, Josh. Loved it. Don't panic about being four.

You'll be all right. Just get a lovely pair of suede hush puppies in, and you'll feel like a new man. I didn't use the word hush puppies. Right. See you on Friday to discuss Recorder Club. Bye! I'm Ivo Graham. And I'm Alex Keighley. We're stand-up comedians who love music.

And we'd like to tell you about our new podcast, Gig Pigs. Alex and I have been watching live music together for years, so we've decided to compromise this hobby, and potentially our friendship, by turning it into a project. Every episode, we'll be going to a, and then discussing it afterwards with the friends who came along to third wheel us. Asking questions like, did you enjoy the gig?

Did you check the setlist in advance? Did you appreciate the artist's mid-song banter? Did this gig profoundly change your relationship with live music? Was the Cloakroom queue prohibitively long? We've been to Franz Ferdinand with Rosematte Feo and Emma Cdy, Kendrick Lamar with Phil Wang, and The Cure with Cellular AB. And next month, we're going with Ed Gamble to watch Napalm Death. Episodes are out from this Thursday and every Thursday thereafter until attending live music once a week with a different guest becomes logistically impossible.

We have no idea how soon that could be, so join us now by going to your preferred podcast platform and searching Gig Pigs. So join us now by going to your preferred podcast platform and searching Gig Pigs. If you are not in the queue and you are waiting, then step to the side. He got in touch and said, yeah, sorry, mate, you didn't seem like yourself the other day. You've only met me three times. The self-service checkout. I don't care what you're called. I'm not getting tricked into working here. People at festivals in those stupid jester hats.

I glanced at a tampon. £2.69 for a bottle of water. Why is your Wi-Fi code 10 characters long? The world starts guiding you. I don't care if you're watching. Boost cut jeans. What's upset you now? I'm Sean Walsh.

And I'm Paul McCaffrey. We are the hosts of What's Upset You Now? The UK's angriest podcast. And we are back for Series 5. Booyah! We all love a good moan, don't we? And Sean and I, well, Sean mostly, are two of the best in the absolute business. And every Tuesday and Thursday, we moan about all those little things that really get our goat.

We also have guests. What guests have we had, Sean? We have had Romesh Ranganathan, Rob Beckett, Mark Lamar, Joe Brand, Catherine Ryan, Tom Allen. 15-minute episodes every Tuesday and Thursday. Brand new What's Up Set You Now Series 5, out now. Oh, for God's sake.