Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP2: Tales of Terror From Tenerife

Episode Date: January 13, 2023

13.01.2023 More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parents in hell with Say Rob. Rob. Beckett. Beckett. And? Josh. Go. Widdicombe. Widdicombe. Well done! He bottled it.

Nah, he bottled it. Ed went. Yeah. Ed went on the Widdicombe, didn't it? It felt like, you know, like Son for Tottenham. He scored the other night against Palace, but he just hadn't scored for eight games. He was getting in front of goal and he just then kept on passing it. He just sometimes, that killer instinct goes.

Yeah, exactly. I'm sure this kid will get back in the game. But yeah, just didn't go for the Widdicombe, did it? Big name, hard to get out, but great Josh. Well, it doesn't really count for anything without the Widdicombe. Hi, Rob and Josh. Long time listener here. This is my friend and fellow podcast listener, Charlotte,

with a 22, my 22 month old arlo naturally this was i'm confused sorry who's calling in this is lisa from newbury in west berkshire right but this is her friend charlotte who's looking after her 22 month old arlo when the recording takes place presumably right okay so friends okay a friend got yeah okay they both listen the friend got to do it and it's the mum emailing in yeah okay naturally this was four months ago and i now have a two month old baby girl as well it was just taken me a while to get around to sending it in see you at the o2 in april lisa from newbury and west berkshire she's going to be going to the o2 with a well she'll be leaving a six month old that'll be one of her first nights out, Rob, won't it?

I think that'll be one of the things that we do, not to give away too much. We're definitely going to be finding out who's got the oldest and youngest kids. Yeah. That always works well in the preview shows we did. Newbery, yes, West Berkshire. Speaking as the Newbery New Comedian of the Year 2009.

Won that. Oh! Yeah, I've been there. Where this journey began. Yeah, so I'd say, know as the newbury best new comedian of the year you know obviously i've been to newbury once for the competition uh one nighter yeah it's great to represent the area yeah of course of course never been back you must have done newbury on tour haven't you rob no oh not really you sort of get to redden and go and you

think why should i carry on i'll just do do the Reading Hex, the old Hex. Reading Hex or Swindon. If you're in Newbury, you've got to make the choice. It's the old Newbury choice. You're going Swindon or Reading. Did you beat any big names? Any now big names? Was it a star-studded final?

I can't remember. Newbury New Comedian Award. I haven't won many awards since. No. I haven't won an award in a decade. I top-loaded my awards in my career. They were all quite early on. Oh, 2009, 2010, you couldn't stop me.

I was like, Leicester City. And then it all fell apart. I got broken down and sold for parts all around the comedy industry. I don't know who was in my final actually no that was my market employer basically entered every competition and then i was just like he's won everything i even did an outside the box new comedian of the year and basically there was only one night there was only about six of us and i won that as well and that went on my little

poster oh rob amuse moose won that so you think you're funny got fucking stitched up in the final mate oh i absolutely deserved to not get placed in the my final absolutely destroyed now i think i deserve to one actually to be fair did you yeah yeah you've got to think that haven't you right so right okay so what we're talking about you? Good? Yeah, we're talking about you, aren't we? We've gone through my Christmas in the park, and we now move on, Rob, to the Beckett post-Christmas extravaganza. Yes, so it's my birthday, 2nd of June.

Oh, happy birthday. Thank you very much. How old are you now, Rob? 37? 37 years of age. Strange age, isn't it? It's an odd age, isn't it? It's sort of... It is an odd one, isn't it? It's sort of not old enough to sort of really submit to

like being an old man. Yes. And I could probably get away with ripped skinny jeans. Yeah. To a point, but not really. Yeah. So I don't really know what to wear at this age. I don't think ripped skinny jeans is your look, Rob. No, no, not at all. I don't even. You're not Joel Domet. No, but I don't think I should, but at this age i don't think ripped skinny jeans is your look rob no no not at all i don't even i don't know joel dumette no but i don't think i should but he's

my age yeah he is your age and he could wear it yeah but just because you're the same age as joel i saw joel domic lifting something yesterday on instagram yeah he is so strong he's living a different life to me and you rob even if you go gary barlow you're not going to be lifting like joel no joel domit is joel domit i dropped off once after a gig at 1 a.m and he went oh don't drop me from the house drop me off at the pulse gym oh my he went to a 24-hour gym at 1 a.m i just bought a pepper army and a double cheeseburger i felt like shit and you know what hard work does pay off because he looks great he looks great so rob yeah tell me about your life as you moved from 36 to 37 well

so basically you're gonna laugh at this because you always say i have too many holidays we went to tenerife again oh no oh come on here he is judith chalmers right we went to tenerife oh my word it was my mum and dad came as well it was their christmas present yeah so they came to tenerife because they're legally allowed in the uk for more than 90 days rob do you know what i want to address this because i get a bit defensive when you say i have too many holidays because you're right yeah i do that's how you're addressing it you're right yeah i'm gonna address this you're right i'm like the anti, I do. Yeah, I'm going to address this. You're right. I'm like the anti-politician.

I'm on it. Yeah, you know what? You're right. It's a fair cop. Do you know what? I find this a refreshing, Rob. Most people would try and defend themselves, but no. That's the beauty of Beckett. So what I've done, like last year, I worked so much.

It was insane. Like I was off to Australia. I was in Exeter for a month. It was mental. And then I had blocked off time off with lou and the girls and what we did was go i was basically working too much and i thought well let's just book a holiday and then we've got definite time together yeah so i'd book the holiday and then i'd go oh i better get enough some more working because obviously holidays cost money yeah and then i'd get more working to pay for all the holidays and

then i'd go fucking i need a holiday and then i'd book another holiday and then i'd get more work in to pay for all the holidays and then I'd go, fucking, I need a holiday. And then I'd book another holiday and then I'd go, fuck, I need to get a bit more work. I'd tell you what, let's stay yes to that because I need to, because it's, holidays. And then I've been a vicious cycle. You're in a holiday loop. I'm in a holiday loop of like, and then what happens is I work so much,

I get on the holiday and all I do on the holiday is basically sleep and recover and then I'm back at work again. And then you miss your holiday. Exactly. You need another holiday. sleep and recover and then i'm back at work again then you miss your holiday exactly and it was a bit of post-covid like reaction that we hadn't been on holiday for two years we bookload and then because they messed up the holiday before then we ended up having vouchers to spend because yeah of the council flights and stuff like that it's like next year we're gonna probably go away in the summer and that'll probably be it.

But no, we're not going away at least for another six, seven months. Because I've just realised what my family need more than anything and what I need is stability and routine and structure. Go to the park every morning. That kind of thing.

Maybe not that much. Maybe you need a bit of me and I need a bit of you. Exactly. That's what this whole podcast is about. I'm going to cry. Because if I went to the park for seven days in a row, I'd have a full breakdown.

I wasn't far off. And I think if you had as many holidays as me, you'd have one as well. But yeah, it's just too much. So that's our new year, new us, is just slow down, do less. Less is more. But everything was so like, well, doing this, let's do that.

And we're sort of calming it down a little bit. And the holiday was good, but there was a couple of problems with the holiday, Josh. Oh no. We were all ill. I was so ill and it wasn't COVID. I did the test and then I just had this flu thing and I just sort of slept for the first few days.

Then towards the end of the holiday, my mum got ill. She went down to the pharmacy to get some Lensip, ended up in the doctors on a breathing machine. What? Like a little oxygen one because she couldn't catch her breath. Oh, my God. She's got bad knees. She's on a mobility scooter as well, right?

It looked like it was like Benidorm. Yeah. I've been on those breathing machines because of my asthma. Yeah. It's quite intense when they put you on one of them. That, wow. And then she messaged me going, I'm on a breathing machine and they're doing a COVID test.

Oh my God. Yeah, so she wasn't well. My dad obviously burnt his nose. Burnt his nose on the kettle steam. When he sniffed the kettle. So poor Lou was the only one that wasn't ill. Then my youngest daughter, a five-year-old, got really ill on New Year's Eve.

We had to call out an emergency doctor at seven o'clock New Year's Eve. And she was coughing. She had a really high temperature. She had this rash all over her face. new year's eve we had to call out an emergency doctor at seven o'clock new year's eve and she was coughing she had a really high temperature she's just rash all over her face we thought it was strep a it was awful i don't i think she's just got that illness everyone's had yeah and then the kids didn't get their flu jabs at school yeah so lou's the only one who didn't get ill lou got a flu jab because she's on these immunosuppressant things she got a flu job the kids didn't get a flu jab and then the youngest has been really ill with

this thing but then the doctor gave us loads of like antibiotics and stuff like that but then i got the antibiotics at like eight o'clock on new year's eve and i was like oh where do i go to get this when oh there's a pharmacy opposite the hotel i run there and as i'm getting there like the shutters are coming down it's 8 8pm. It shuts at 8pm. And I'm like, Bambino! Antibiotico! Bambirelino!

Bambino! And I'm doing like a little praising. I'm like, Bambino! Por favor! Bambino! Antibiotico! Like a kind of continental footballer who's about to be sent off pleading with the referee. I'm a bambino. Por favor, bambino antipotico. Like a kind of continental footballer who's about to be sent off, pleading with the referee.

Yeah, emoxisili antihistaminurofenio. Calpino. Like begging her, like that, and the thing. Anyway, so she's like, no, no. What? That didn't win her over. No, so she said like, no, no. What? She didn't win her over? No. So she said no.

She dead inside? She was like, Tosca says the name of another pharmacy. I look at it, 20 minute walk. Right, I'll get a cab. No cabs. New Year's Eve. Massive queues. So now I'm walking for 20 minutes to try and get the antipoxy.

I'm still ill, right, at this point. And as I'm walking, I'm thinking, I've been ill for about 10 days. Like, awful. Just keep passing out with tiredness. Not COVID COVID this flu thing that everyone's had I feel better now I thought I was better I started walking and I'm wearing my trousers because you have to wear long trousers in the restaurants because yeah I think Tenerife can I say something about Tenerife Josh you can say whatever you want I think it might be my last visit there it's a beautiful island but some of the people there are fucking disgusting. And are these British people? Yeah.

Yes, of course. Yeah, I was just checking. Always. Just checking. Oh, yeah. I fucking... Imagine if I just started a tirade on just a race of people. It was full of them.

Who? The Britsits don't panic and now i'm walking through on new year's eve probably the roughest bit of tenerife and tenerife you've not seen anything like it's almost like gotham city tenerife you can be in the most beautiful bit the most expensive hotel you've ever seen and then all of a sudden you're in a corner there's people around bins with it all on fire trying to rob you. I saw where you spent your last New Year's Eve, Rob. I saw the picture.

Exactly. I was outside Tony fucking Roma again. I had to go past Tony Roma to go to the pharmacy. Anyway, so I'm getting there. Loads of people are shouting at me. Go, Rob Beck. I'm like, hello. It's all right.

Anyway, it's a 20-minute walk. Then I walk 20 minutes back. And as I'm walking, I'm thinking, why didn't I go to a doctor and get some antibiotics? I've just been ill. Yeah. On paracetamol. I just forgot that I could go to a doctor.

Anyway, that's, you know, me overworking myself as well, which is what's done all this. Anyway, I walked there 20 minutes, walked there 20 minutes back, give them the antibiotics. And so she's feeling a bit better, but she was so ill. And then she couldn't go swimming.

Yeah. Obviously, because she got an ear, basically she had eardrops, she had antihistamines for the rash she had the oxymoron moxie ceiling thing in case it was strep a bless her so she like and then she was just sort of refusing to have all the medicine and stuff and then her older sister was getting to go and do fun things oh she couldn't do and this hotel right the gf victoria i'm gonna name it because i won't go back there's slides right yeah that are fine for kids my height and also there's a climbing tree thing like a small version

of a go ape right yeah but really small and you're not allowed to go on the top level unless you're one meter 20 right and this thing it's got a net around it it's really easy what is one meter 20 is that my my seven-year-old is still a bit under one sort of eight-year-old basically or if you've got a tall seven-year-old might be on it but they let her go on it because she was borderline yeah so this is his treehouse thing like go eight thing and you if you want to go on the high bit you got me one meter 20 so the youngest who's been ill can't go in the pool isn't allowed on the top bit she can easily do it yeah i've took a rock climbing yeah of course on a yesterday she's not allowed on it and there's no bending the rules there's like no like that and then

the slides they're not allowed to go on it because it's one meter 20 oh no and the tree climbing thing they're allowed on it once a day what once a day what is this a prison i know once a day they're allowed on it and then basically as the week goes on because obviously it was a bit more expensive to stay there um over christmas and new year because it's sort of peak time but the later we stayed there like there were some rough people in the hotel i mean most people in the hotel were lovely yeah but then a few roughs turned up there was a fight around the pool josh there was a fight around the pool there was a fight there was a fight around the pool oh my god it was a fight around the pool it was a fight and i think it was two brothers right and i think there must

be about 17 18 but they had a fight proper like stand up you could hear them screaming oh my god like right left right punching each other in the face oh my god at one point one fell over and the other one picked up a table and smashed it across his back and then the sunbed got pushed in the pool and all the kids like running like, running out the pool. And I can hear it from the balcony. It's all kicking off. And they're, like, they're all shouting at each other. And then after the fight,

they sit down and shook hands and started sunbathing. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Amazing! And what did your kids do during that? They were on the balcony. I mean, and it was sort of like, oh, isn't that sort of funny because you're away from it but it would have been really terrifying yeah yeah if you were near it for the kids and dangerous because i some bed flew into the water when i went for a walk to get to the pharmacy through like the rougher bit yeah i saw

a four-year-old boy in fendi sunglasses a fendi polo shirt fendi shorts fendi sandals and a rolex with slick back hair i was terrified of him yeah i bet he could sort you out some uh under the counter medicine rob i know but um yeah and i'm not a snob i used to go benidorm on holiday and stuff like that i've been all to different places, but there was just an air of just carnage. Wow. The hotel was lovely though. Most of the people in the hotel,

the rougher people were out further down the strip and it was only this one sort of incident in the hotel with the fight around the pool. Yeah. It's sort of enough to sort of put you off it a little bit. And what did you do for your new year? Well, new year was a trip to the pharmacy. Oh yeah, of course. Till 9pm.m and then i came back felt rough had a bit of a buffet dinner and i went to bed oh rob and then lou stayed out because some of our friends had booked the hotel coincidentally

so you stayed out with them and had a night out and i was in bed by nine you're in bed by nine i was watching eckhart toole about mindfulness. I quite enjoyed it, actually. Yeah, nice. It was quite nice. But then my daughter, the next few days, was just so ill. Oh, Rob. And she didn't want to take her medicine. And she kept on screaming and crying. Oh, there's nothing worse.

But like, when your child doesn't want to take the medicine, it's so difficult to be like... I know. The nan and granddad came, my mum and dad. And at the beginning of the week, they were spending time with them, loving them them and we were just like popping off to like get a bit of time around the pool and in the beach and my mom and dad would take them up yeah have a little fight by the pool just quick quick straightener and then my mom and dad were taking

but then she didn't want to be left yeah and then we were going to go out for my birthday meal in the second and then she just refused to be left for my mum and dad and was screaming and crying and wanted a parrot toy. And it was just, it was a bit hard work. And it was just, when a kid can't go swimming on holiday and they're unwell, a kid unwell anyway. And it just made me realise a bit as well. I think there's a reason for this. This isn't like bad luck. This is a family.

And Lou has had to sacrifice so much for how busy I've been. And I'm sacrificing a lot by being that busy because it's good for the family. But the work-life balance in the Beckett house is totally fucked at the moment. But I think once you identify that, that's the thing, isn't it? Yeah. And I think also you really swung one way just at the start of lockdown. Yeah. And then you swung the other way.

just at the start of lockdown. Yeah. And then you've swung the other way. There's like no bit where you're not either really extreme relaxer on holiday or extreme work. Nothing. Yes. Yeah. It's all or nothing.

You're like someone who works in a rig. Well, yeah. And obviously I'm saying this from a very fortunate position. Yeah, of course. You know, I earn decent money and everyone's happy and healthy. Most of the time, you know, everyone gets coughs and colds happy and healthy most of the time. You know, everyone gets coughs and colds. Except on New Year's Eve.

Yeah, apart from our fucking burnt nose. She's on a breathing machine and we're all ill. Everyone's happy, but none of them are healthy. No, no, we're fucked. We're all fucked. It was a great holiday.

It was lovely spending time with the kids, my mum and dad and stuff. But the last couple of days were difficult because everyone got really ill. But it's not like, there's a reason for that. But I think as well, when you are self-employed and you do work freelance your life is a bit like that it's just about managing it more yeah and i can work a little bit less and have less holidays and it's basically that living day initially book yeah

where just have less stuff and then you won't have to work as much you won't have to put much pressure on yourself and i'll and it's the curse of freelance as well like um yeah you feel like you feel like if you ever turn down work that you're losing that money but you shouldn't feel like you're losing that money because you never had it in the first place yes if that makes sense exactly and i think because some of the stuff i get to do is fun yeah like you know my job is fun like i'm in vegas for a week with romesh that's the problem it's i feel guilty that when i get back i'm like right i've got to make sure lou and the girls are having fun but actually if we were just all in the house and just woke up slowly on a saturday i went oh should we go down whitstable for the day and but i'm basically

structuring my free time and my family time the same way as i'm yeah booking in a tour where it's like a press tour it's like you know it's like basically my kids are dragged around like they're doing promo for something like okay we're gonna be in tenerife then then we're gonna do a boat trip then we're gonna actually less is more and then you get better quality time when you're a bit bored and you're floating around together and stuff like that and i think it's a bit of a realization when we're away and sort of how tired and stuff we were getting but it was good to acknowledge it totally and I'm not like

there was no sort of breakdown or no no no we had a good time but I was like this is very intense and it's very tiring but we just need a bit of stability

and calm and less is more where sometimes you sort of are told got to do this got to do that and you know I'm very susceptible to marketing

you know you watch I'm a Celebrity and all of a sudden there'll be an advert going get away on holiday and i'll be half pissed go yeah let's book that the amount of book it that i've got to stop booking holidays and shopping pissed that's gotta be my first port of call well the other thing rob is it's too easy to go the other way and before you know it you spent seven days in the park so you know exactly middle ground

should i tell you about my new year yeah Yeah, tell me about your new year. Then I've got a few kid arguments I can talk you through for the holiday. So we had some people around with kids. Yeah. My daughter stayed up till midnight, Rob. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Is it?

I don't know. Did she enjoy it? Well, Rose was mainly in charge of her by that point because I'd had a few drinks. Sure, okay. Yeah. But she and her friend, her friend, like one of her best friends, or maybe her best friend, her friend...

Do you have a best friend? What, do I have a best friend? The way you're talking about it, like a best friend's a thing. It is a thing, yeah. It's not a thing. No one's got a best friend. Do you know who my best friend is, Rob?

My wife. Do you know who my best friend is? Me. You've got to be a best friend to yourself before anyone else yeah all right yeah that's good that's good because actually i see myself as an enemy obviously your wife is like almost more than a best friend like a soulmate it's a different level but i don't believe in the best friend thing i think it's quite toxic to go you're my bestie you are right you are right then all names for it. I'm just like, friends come and go.

You'll be here. Don't worry about it. Because whenever my daughter gets home from school, I have a league table of her friends and I say, this still remains the same. Do you want to move anyone up or down every day? Because if not, if they're not putting the shift in, they shouldn't invite you to your next party.

Exactly. Exactly. Let's eliminate them one by one like a reality TV show. Yeah. You don't need anyone but yourself. Exactly. And she's a strong, independent woman. So her and her friend, her friend had just come back from a family Christmas

visiting relatives in Colorado in America. So her friend was on US time. Oh, that's a cool friend. She should be the best friend. She's American. She's cool. Yeah. Well, she's not American, but she's got relatives in America. Yeah, that's American but she's got relatives yeah that's that's american she's american in that school she's

an american yeah basically now obviously she was on american time so yeah she absolutely walked it getting to 12 but my daughter by that point was gibberish and then didn't sleep in as late as i'd hoped she only slept in till 8 30 i was thinking 11 no come on they just can't do it no they don't they don't do it they will when they're teenagers though that's got to be mental isn't it yeah because if you look at like how much you get done by it's like now it's like well we're recording this it's 20 to 12 yeah i've been up early and well lou dropped the kids off at school the other one's off the goal still she's not well but that's panicky if your kid's actually unwell the first day of school in january everyone just assumes you've gone away oh yeah in school time so luckily we dragged the other one in yeah to

prove that we were we've not been naughty yeah yeah so we thought you'll have done that school got up. I've done a few emails. I've done, this will be the second episode of this show. And imagine if your child's still in bed asleep. Oh, my word. You will start to hate them, won't you? Yeah, of course.

You'll be very jealous. And then they'll get up and they'll complain about something. Get up, you lazy fuck. Bucket of water on their head. I mean, you can't do that. Have you ever had a bucket of water chucked on you in bed? No, I haven't, no. Neither have I, but I've heard of it and it's mental.

Yeah, I just don't think I'd do that. I don't think... If my child is asleep during the summer holidays... Well, at the moment, Rob, I suppose, the idea of your child being asleep till 11am seems so insanely good. I'm sure it'll go the other way, but at the moment i can't imagine being annoyed by that maybe it's because we have a little bit more control over when we get up and

go work really because we're self-employed it might be different if you're on like early shifts it's quite you get quite resentful there's gonna come a point when we have to start setting our alarms again like oh i might get a new one for the occasion i might get one of the ones that you know what i've always been really jealous of because i never had it before kids an alarm clock radio no the one that wakes you up with light gradually oh but like a grow clock no but you know that ones that like they're for adults but they're like it fills your room with daylight kind of like right yeah yeah nice but gradually from like 7 a.m it will start and then it gets to like eight o'clock and it's bright light but you're like oh i've woken up like it's dawn.

Yeah. Do they work? What about a tea's made? What's a tea's made? Do you remember a tea's made? This was a thing. I don't remember anyone who actually had one that would make a cup of tea on the timer so that when you woke up, the tea was there.

I've got a coffee machine, one of them. Have you? But I've never been able to use it because everyone's always up before. It's happened before where I've done it and said it for like 7 a.m and they're like i'll come downstairs at six with the kids and then go up for a shower about half seven ago why is there a cold cup of coffee on the side so oh my alarm it's really cool glue got it for me for my birthday present one. It's quite swanky. I think you'd love it.

It's proper wanker. Oh, thanks, mate. What's that? Thanks? I didn't call you a wanker. I think you'd love it. It's proper wanker. It's close.

Yes. But you don't drink coffee, do you? No, I can't. Have a look at that. Oh, my word. Look at that. That's a beauty. Only an absolute prick would like it.

You'd love it. So it's cool, isn't it? And it's like, it sits by you, and then you just put a little bit of water in there, and it makes a coffee. Looks like you're doing a science experiment. Yeah. I might sort of fire that back up, actually,

with the new me, the new stable me, with a bit of time. New you. Let's do it. So any other things from the New Year's Eve? So there was about 12, 13 adults In your house, you love a host man Do you not get tired of hosting by the end of the festive period

Rose does more than I do Rose was not in a good mood On New Year's Day Rose, oh I am going to tell this story Actually Rose on New Year's Eve, she went to her friend's 40th Okay This is so out of character for Rose Rob Will she come back sober actually. Rose on New Year's Eve, she went to her friend's 40th. Okay.

This is so out of character for Rose, Rob. Will she come back sober? Oh. No, she didn't, Rob. She didn't. I'm a bit scared of Rose, actually. Are you? Well, this... I think I'd be scared if I upset her.

Like, that's why sometimes after a call, I go, Rose won't mind if I said that. Yeah, I'm quite scared of her. Yeah. No, don't worry about it. Well, you could say what you want about this. Has she ever just lost her shit at you and just screamed at you?

What? Yeah, of course. Yeah, but what was it like?, you could say what you want about this. Has she ever just lost her shit at you and just screamed at you? What? Yeah, of course. Yeah, but what was it like? Did you cower? What was it like? Water off a duck's back by this point. No, but at the start, you just take it like a little naughty schoolboy. Well, as you know, I hate conflict.

Yeah. So I just crumble like a house of cards. Yeah. So the night before New Year's Eve, Rose went out on the lash, mate's 40th. The 30th, yeah, yeah. Booked a car for 10pm. Okay.

I texted her at 10.15, because Rose's cousin was staying, so we stayed up and watched the football, and we got quite pissed together. Oh, that's fun. That was nice, yeah. And then texted Rose at 10.15. She didn't reply. I thought she's definitely put her car back.

There's no doubt that she's put her car back. Yeah. 11 o'clock, she texted me to say she's just got in the no doubt that she's put her car back. Yeah. 11 o'clock, she texts me to say she's just got in the car. So she's put the car back. Yeah. And then she turns up straight into the kitchen to wash her coat. In the car, Rob, she had been sick. Rather than making a scene in the car and making him pull over,

she had a big coat on. She was just sick down the sleeve. Oh, that's so horrible. So she just opened up her sleeve. And then that was it. And she just came in and she had sick down her sleeve. Last 15 minutes of the car journey, she just sat there, having been sick down her sleeve.

On the New Year's Eve, she was not in the mood for a party. No, no. She was not in the mood to host. And so it took her a while to get into the swing of it she described it as like the second day at glastonbury that kind of yeah that you can't pressure those people you just let them just have a little drink in their own pace yeah and get back into it i thought you stopped drinking you you you had uh i drunk again from the wedding i went to to new year's eve and now i'm back on the wagon oh okay fair enough so the party was fine the kids

loved it. Did I ever tell you when I was sick on my front door in my old flat? I felt sick in a cab. Yeah. I got out and then was sick on the door. Yeah. And then I knocked and then Lou let me in. And then I had to pour a boiling kettle over the front door and on the front of the house.

Yeah. And have I told you the time I got out of a cab because I was going to be sick? No. It was really busy traffic and I thought, I'm just going to walk the last 20 minutes have I told you the time I got out of a cab because I was going to be sick? No. It was really busy traffic and I thought, I'm just going to walk the last 20 minutes because I feel so rough. Yeah. Got out, started walking ahead and then found a skip and I was sick in the skip because I was really going well. Yeah, you shouldn't use someone else's skip, but fair enough. And then the traffic crawled along. Oh, no.

Same cab driver saw me being sick. Oh, God. Oh, God. And he went, you all right? I went, yeah. Yep, as soon as I finish being sick. Oh, God. Oh, God. And he went, you all right? I went, yeah. Yep, as soon as I finish being sick and a skip, I'll be fine. I always do this when I've had a great night.

Oh, God. Well, at least she enjoyed herself. I bet she was a bit more slow going than the rest of the guys. Yeah. New Year's Eve was a lot of fun. So Ivo Graham came around with his daughter. Yeah. Yeah. On the day, two Amazon parcels arrived in of fun. So Ivo Graham came around with his daughter. Yeah. Yeah.

On the day, two Amazon parcels arrived in my house addressed to Ivo Graham. Because he knew he was going to be there, so he just got it delivered to your house. Yeah. That's good planning. Is that acceptable? Is that allowed? Try and guess what Ivo then did at the party

from what was in the parcels. I'd assume they may have been, like, something that you needed at your house. So maybe, like, a gift for you and Rose, or maybe something for his daughter that he didn't have, like, a pair of at your house so maybe like a gift for you and rose or maybe something for his daughter that he didn't have like a pair of shoes or socks or some clothing yeah so that that would be nice so it was a a black bob wig yeah and 12 chalkboards with chalk okay is he gonna run a game yes what was the game uh black bob is it weakest link it was the traitors oh because he was doing claudia winkleman with a black wig he was being claudia winkleman in the traitors sure

he ran a game of the traitors that i would say doesn't have the same tension when there's not a hundred thousand pounds at stake and so did it work or not work well i worry i think it needs fine tuning as a party game i think the problem with that game is it's only really enjoyable for ivo because he knows who's who yeah basically what happened was it's very difficult to spot the traitors because there's not enough happening during the day so you're just going back in and you're just all just having a chat and then you just blindly accuse someone and it's not them and there's literally no evidence to go on but do write in if you've tried to play the traitors and it worked out well or badly or don't write in

worst party game you ever played that'd be another one just write in just keep writing in or really good ones or have you ever had anything delivered to somebody else's house do you want some more uh tales from tenerife tales from tenerife yeah michael put kind of a spanish guitar underneath this no please don't because i'm going to talk about a drunk geordie at burger king a couple of things which was stressful was obviously my youngest because she needed eardrops wasn't allowed to go swimming and wasn't really well enough so he used to go there's like a kids club but the kids club was a bit strange i've been to better kids clubs at different hotels they didn't want to go in the kids it wasn't that welcoming so i was like fine but there was a big

area that had like pedal cars and a climbing frame in a colouring in station no i was oh i'll just take her there then during the day to get her out the sun and that we were allowed in there like supervising them but then like when the kids club shut for an hour for lunch we had to get out we couldn't just sit in there with them watching them and it was like smaller than like a play area they have in like a shopping center without anyone watching i'm like i understand if like no i'm a company kids but i'm like yeah i'm in here with my kids can't i just there's nothing to steal or take it's like massive equipment and it's in the middle of a hotel so i had to get out and then i saw them taking they on one of the days they take the kids to the swimming pool all the kids had big like high-vis tabards on and then

like this rope with wrist straps on their hands and they were marched through like prisoners going to do hard labor oh my word that's horrible oh my god they're going do you want to come to the kids club, kids? My kids were like, no. Fuck off. No, I don't. When they take the kids out at my nursery, at my son's nursery. Yeah. They've got like a, basically, I passed them in the street when I was going to pick them up. They've basically got a massive kind of, what would you describe it as? Like a trailer.

A trailer. Yeah. I've seen them. Yeah. That looks fun. And it's just full of little kids. It's amazing. I don't think they need a tabard and to be chained together.

Also, they were chained together with one kid running to the road. They've all gone. Yeah, of course. I think it's more dangerous. Fucking mental. Other things that have happened. So it was difficult. The older kid kept feeling left out because my youngest was getting all the attention because she was unwell.

And how much, can I just ask a question on that yeah how much did you have to like tell your older kid to rein it in on how much fun she was having when she was going out and stuff do you know well so a prime example i took the eldest swim in and then the youngest went on the tree climbing thing but was really upset having ice cream because they wouldn't let it go on that top level yeah where you can um go down on a uh zip wire thing a zip wire i'd say is probably as big as the one you have in your local park that's just there yeah but no you've got to have a helmet on and the 1.2 meter rule okay so anyway they told and they're near enough the same height she's so tall my youngest she weren't allowed to go on it my eldest got on there wasn't allowed to go on it so now my

youngest is sat watching her sister who's not unwell she's fine being able to climb on this big treehouse thing the only thing that she could do that wasn't in water and was allowed to go on the top level and go into the zip line and quite rightly she's annoyed because they're not far off height and they know they always do the same things together because she can just do it all we've been go ape and stuff like so now she's distraught and you're trying to explain to her and then they were crying and getting upset and she was refusing. And then she had to have eardrops in both ears. She used to have some Nurofen on a syringe.

Oh man. One squirt of that. She needed two squirts of the antibiotics and then another one squirt of this antihistamine for a rash. The poor thing was getting absolutely pumped full of stuff. Left, right and centre every morning,

every night and she moaned every morning. Me and Lou had to take paracetamol on the day we left in the morning just because our headaches were so bad because of the screaming. And on the way out, my mum and dad came like that, and they were really helpful with the kids at the start of the week, but by the end of the week, they were ill, and my kids didn't even want to be with them because they were being all clingy.

And then on the way out, my eldest sat between my mum and dad on one row, and then my being all clingy and then on the way out my eldest sat between my mum and dad on one row and then my youngest sat between me and lou on the other row so then on the way back the youngest was supposed to sit with the nan and granddad and then the eldest would sit with us but obviously she's ill wants to sit with her mum which is understandable and she's hot and we want to make sure she's sleeping all right and blah blah blah so she's crying and then the oldest is crying because no you said i could sleep that and i'm trying to explain yeah but she's not and then we negotiated that it was going to be like lou could sit with both of them in the middle and they're over there and i so now i'm sat next to my dad and my mom on

an easy jet they're not big seats are they and i'm cramped in like that right so they're arguing over that and then because the older kid keeps feeling left out and it's just it was just a constant crying oh my god but we just wanted to get home by the end of it oh rob well welcome home it was it was the weather in tenerife's unbelievable to be fair and if you get the right hotel yeah it's great but it's a bit of a lottery certain parts of tenerife are like hell yeah like the certain rougher bits are hell. I'd say Burger King, Tenerife airport is the arsehole of that. Burger King,

Tenerife is where people, if they get thrown out of hell because they're too awful, they get put in the queue there. And also there's normal people there as well. So not everyone's like that, but there's dotted around. I was waiting for Burger King, which is not a great point in your life.

You still feel a bit rough. Your kids are real. I'm waiting there. It Which is not a great point in your life You still feel a bit rough Your kids are real I'm waiting there It's a 20 minute wait And I've just stood there And there was a jewellery bloke in the queue That was a little fella Bright red face

Bit pissed still I think He shouted at me Here Rob Beckett What you doing here So loud That if I'd said that to Lou Everyone in the airport would have turned round And I think a bigger man would have come over

and said to me, you can't talk to women like that. It was so loud, it stopped the workers in Burger King. Like when someone walks into a bar in a Western and it all just stops. It's Rob, man! It's Rob, man!

It's Rob! Pardon? Oh, wow. What are you doing here, man? I went, went oh i'm just getting some burger king mate oh hey man i think it went a bit quiet for a bit and then everyone sort of settled down because it was like it wasn't like oh there's a bloke off the telly over there it was like who's the man shouting what's happening now and then anyway it went quiet for a bit and then someone come over and i'll get a picture i was like yeah cool no worries i have a picture and then uh then he went quiet for a bit. And then someone came over and went, oh, can I get a picture? I was like, yeah, of course, no worries, I have a picture.

And then he went, all right, man, I bet you're going to get more of them, isn't you, man? And I just was like, I went, pardon? I went, yeah, you're going to get more of them, man. And I went, yeah, maybe. If you don't get served soon, I certainly will. And then, obviously, it waited on a bit longer. And then he screamed again. And then he went, oh, I bet you can make a routine out of this, man.

I bet how long we wait. Oh, my God. But, like, it was so... I think the Geordie accent is the loudest accent done in the right way. I don't think there's a louder accent than the Geordie, is there? No. It was mental. And I just stood there just...

That is incredible. Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck this. Do you want to hear a couple of other things that happened to me over the Christmas New Year break? Yes. Got a prank phone call? No. What is it?

1997? Well, it was weird. It was a pre-programmed one. I don't know if you've heard these before. What? But it was rubbish. It didn't even work. It was one someone paid for.

So what you do is you ring a number and then you put someone else's number in and you listen to the phone call where... What? Because you can't be bothered to do your own prank phone yeah so you basically get a pre-recorded one that you listen to the reaction of someone on and then you can film it and so i thought you know so my number i've had the same number years so loads of people have got it yeah i'll get a lot of like the middle of the night someone will ring me and they're just drunk because they've got the number of someone kind of thing yeah i used to give my number out all the time doing gigs in the early days yeah anyway it rings he went hello there there's a note on my car that said that you've reversed into my car

this is a pre-recorded message yeah and that you've reversed into my car and you've given this number so yes i've got a very expensive car and my insurance company will need all your details and i went oh hello all right no worries i've not been out today in my car so it's not me i haven't hit any cars what were your numbers on here and i went well okay i went the number must be wrong so you're denying that you've you've hit my car can i just ask a question so are these recorded things how does it know what you're saying well it doesn't it leaves a bit of a beat it sort of guesses what you would say where you would normally go well i haven't i haven't hit a car today yeah it's what it says time for that yeah but you lying to me because i've got a very expensive

car i went mate if i did your car right and i didn't want to pay for it i wouldn't leave my number i just wouldn't leave a note if i didn't leave a number i'd leave a different number so i haven't done it. And he started going, no, I've got a very expensive car. I went, all right. I went, what car? Did you believe it at this point? No, I went, I was like, he sounded a bit odd.

I went, what registration numbers on the note? And then basically the timing went off. So he was talking when I was talking. And then I was waiting in the gap that was, and it sort of went, oh, you've just been pranked by a prank. And I was like, then I was waiting in the gap that was and it sort of went oh you've just been pranked by prank and I was like what a waste of money I get it

but it's such a shit one because I I know I haven't what you need to say is go like oh I've been given your number I've hit your car

or yeah I was like well I've written off your car would be more fun I was like it's boxing day I've not left the house

in two days. And who's ringing me on Boxing Day about a prank, you know? Maybe someone's watched Wallop. It's come out that day on Sky, Rob. Oh, yeah. He loves a prank, this guy. And they're like, do you know what? This guy likes a laugh.

I'll send him a prank call. He'll enjoy this. This is quite funny as well. I got an email. You know, I talked about Lou shaving my back hair. Yeah. I've been invited by a company to do a collaboration on laser hair removal so for free hair removal i've got to do one of them like instagram things where it's like update

and it's just me and my body and i show it being bald i really want you to do it. I'm not doing that. Please do it. Do you know what I'd rather do? I'd rather just pay for it and do it in private. Thank you very much. Yeah, I think that's the thing, isn't it?

Me bent over my arse in the air going, look, you can really see the difference. My bald little bum hole. Josh, I wonder if you want to do this? Because that's sort of all that sort of happened on holiday. That's all right. My new stable, living Danishly. That's the perfect amount of events. I want to talk this because that's sort of all that sort of happened on holiday in my that's all right my new stable living danishly that's the perfect amount of events i want to talk to you about this maybe for the new year some parenting predictions oh that's good i probably should have

mentioned this before the recall because we're on the spot now but any things you think you might end up doing or things that might happen okay life as a parent so we'll put them in a kind of time capsule and then we can go back to them. Why don't you ask me three questions and then we'll play them back this time next year. That's good. Okay. What do you think is going to be your biggest challenge

with your youngest in the next year as he becomes more mobile? I think... Oh no, I've got a good one. Have you got to do your potty training? What, is that this year? I don't remember any of the things. Maybe this is a bad idea.

I think I know what my biggest challenge is going to be. What? I think a second visit from the dummy fairy. It was horrific with my daughter. Right, for the... Yeah, so that's going to be tough for you, you think? That's something I'm slightly dreading. Okay.

It's the second visit from the dummy fairy. Rob? Go on. You do the questions for me, and then I'll do the questions for you. It was more like what I think is going to happen to my... I don't know if... I'll try and think of some questions, but...

Oh, yeah. My predictions for me... Okay. Were that I think I'm concerned that the competitiveness between my two daughters is going to become difficult, as they're both learning to read and write. Well, the eldest can sort of do that now,

but like, and also sport is going to become more competitive. They're already like started trying to do a bit of tennis and then one was crying because one could hit it back. And the other, I think what has been a, they play really well together. I think I'm worried now that, and I'm being a bit smug about that. And it has been great. It's not like I'm not making it up. I'm worried that they're going to get'm a bit smug about that, and it has been great.

It's not like I'm not making it up. I'm worried that they're going to get to that age when they're like five and seven, where they may start to clash a bit over sport and stuff. Yeah, because your daughters are best friends, basically, aren't they? I hate to go back to that best friends thing. They will happily sit and play. They're super close.

Yes. Whereas, obviously, my daughter's like like, not friends with my son. No. She likes him, but there's no kind of... They're not playing together. You know, they're not going to hang out. They might do when he's a bit older, but also there's other people I've seen with kids the same age gap as my kids

and they still don't really play or get on. We've been very lucky. Yeah, so it could go either way. Yeah, so I'm thinking this year, I think, when the sport becomes into it and they get a bit competitive with each other, that could be okay and the second issue i think i'm gonna have to deal with is a mobile phone for my daughter no she's really ramping up wanting it she's only seven but like our friend's kid got a little ipod touch thing which is everything but a phone yeah when she was like eight for her eighth birthday and i think that's something that's

gonna ramp up the want for the phone. That's a good one. And I think someone in our school group might break. And then when that happens. Has it come up on the WhatsApp group? No, it hasn't yet. I think they think it will be me that breaks first. I'd say on that school group, I'm the one that will...

I'm their worry. Oh, that's good to be the worry, I suppose. The biggest worry in the parent group is not my concern because it's me. Here's a prediction I'm their worry. Oh, that's good to be the worry, I suppose. The biggest worry in the parent group is not my concern because it's me. Here's a prediction I'm worried about. My daughter starts after school karate next Thursday. Okay. And I think she's going to get bored of it within a week. No reflection on the karate, but more reflection on...

You know when your child is going because her friends do something and you're like that's not your bag kind of thing is this going to be her bag I hope I'm wrong but I reckon I'm going to be

dealing with her not wanting to go to karate three weeks in and I really want her to do karate because I think it's a fun thing to do and I'm excited

she wants to go why don't you do it then you go I'd love to that's what I think about kids clubs is no adults do clubs. They're always like,

oh, I've booked you karate. Well, imagine if someone booked you karate. Imagine how stressed you'd be. Imagine if you've got to go to a karate class with strangers this afternoon, Josh. Yeah, I'd hate it. I'd absolutely hate it. I've not learned to kick before, have you?

Well, my daughter's going to taekwondo and I'm worried because she said to me on holiday, I can't wait to start taekwondo because when you do something I don't like, I can kick you in the face. So my prediction is a dummy and karate. And my other worry is my daughter is in a,

at school she's in a close three friendship. Yeah. And it's been really solid so far in the first term, but I worry that three is a very, it's a spicy number, isn't it? It can really kick off and one can get thrown out. I think you're quite, you're way more aware and involved in your daughter's friendship groups than I am with mine. Than she is. Well, yeah, I think you just need to stop thinking about it.

I know. And they'll argue, they'll break up, they'll be friends, they won't be friends. They'll be like, it just really doesn't matter rob it's all i think about i know you do you like it's something you really did you not have many close friends at school rob i was the most popular kid in school come on no well i went to a small school yeah so i think that's why maybe that is quite important there because there's not many options maybe that's why i like to entertain people at our house as well i like busyness i like friendship you know that's the things i crave do you think we should get a psychologist on one day or that could break us yeah that's yeah they put

our behavior under the microscope yeah like they'll start telling me that i keep booking holidays because i'm running from something and then i start crying and then we have to have a three month break while i readdress everything and i I come back divorced, dressed in a robe. And I've found the true me. And he's fucking boring. He can't afford any holidays anymore because he found the true you and you're not getting any work.

I've had a true man. He's not funny. Shit. Right. Oh, small business shout-outs. I've got a good one. Yeah. That they've not even asked for but i'm

going to give it to them go on so yeah basically it was a company called options holidays here are options supported holidays we've been running supported holidays for adults with learning disabilities for over 30 years we have holidays to suit all needs so basically they take these groups of adults with learning disabilities on holiday so they've been in tennery for two weeks over christmas they were saying that some of them might have spent Christmas on their own. And the support workers on the plane were amazing. They had a group of 16 and they were on it properly with them.

They all looked happy and really well looked after. And it was just really nice to see lovely people looking after people. And I didn't even know that was a thing. Yeah, brilliant. They run these things and the women on the trip were brilliant and so patient. What was the name of that again? It's Options great so they go around the uk and i think europe

as well for people with learning disabilities so yeah if you have learning disabilities or you know something that does that might want a holiday it seemed like a really well run well-oiled machine and they were lovely the people on that flight but yeah options holidays options holidays have a look well rob you say there's no after-school clubs for parents. Hi, Rob and Josh. We've just begun our own small business running pop-up pottery workshops around Bristol for parents who need a bit of a break from kiddies

and some creative outlet. We do hand-building pottery workshops in various pubs. Ooh. Three-pint included at some places and plant shops, etc. More info on our Insta at potty mouth good name dot workshop and tickets sold on www.yuup. that must be.com or.co.uk go on the instagram at potty mouth dot workshop perfect meredith and naomi there we go it's been a pleasure to be back yes we'll have a guest next week, won't we?

Yes, mate. I'll see you on Tuesday. See you on Tuesday. Bye.