Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP20: Alex Jones

Episode Date: March 17, 2023

 Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant presenter - Alex Jones. The first episode of Alex’s new show, Reunion Hotel, airs on BBC Two and BBC One Wales at 8pm on Thursday 6th April.  Alex's new programme 'Making Babies' is available to watch now on channel 'W'. Thanks, Rob + Josh. We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to Lovely, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Lovely, can you say Josh Wickham? Josh Wickham. Good one. Double kids. Are we happy with that? Yeah, that's the sibling, I imagine. No, that's the dad and the...

Hi, this is our son Barnaby. He is five and three quarters. Three quarters is a very important detail. He doesn't let us forget. And our daughter Merrilee, two and a half. Introducing your amazing podcast. We live in Stratford-upon-Avon. Ever been there?

Yeah, but I drove back from there and my house got burgled. So I hate it now. I associate it. And I was delayed by half an hour because they shut an entire motorway so they could trim a bush. And they shut three lanes when they were working in the hard shoulder and my house got burgled

so do you know what Shakespeare Stratford-upon-Avon suck my Corey do you know what Rob I had you down as a Shakespeare fan as well I can't I don't think anyone said Shakespeare and suck my Corey in the same sentence do you know what I'm saying

so it's a lovely place Stratford-upon-Avon weird place they've got that pub that's I can't, I don't think anyone's said Shakespeare and sucked my core in the same sentence, to be honest. No, no. Yeah, so it's a lovely place strapped up on Avon. Weird place. They've got that pub that's a strip club. Do you know this place? No, I don't know this place. The only place that is open after like midnight, right, for drinks is a pub. But the pub is also, it's like a normal pub.

And there's like groups of girls and boys of like 18 up to like 30, 40 sort of thing. It's a bit more like. And then you'd be sat down around tables like a normal pub, completely normal like Stratford pub. And then there'll just be a girl that walks past in lingerie and says, do you want to go for a dance? And you're like, no, not really. And then she'll approach a table of men and women and then blokes just go off for a dance. So it's quite strange, really. Very bizarre.

So you checked out all the culture in Stratford when you were in this? I'd performed at the Globe Theatre. There is a bush trimming joke there I could do off the back of the strip club, but I'm not that man anymore. I'm progressive. Exactly. It's like my Corey Shakespeare. I'm progressive.

Get your chops around that, Barney. Would you have surprised the burglar had the bush not been being cut? I don't know. You'd never know. Basically, I was having a semi-breakdown because I was working too hard. And Lou went, why don't I come with you? It's nice in Stratford. And we can have a couple of days in Stratford.

Oh, no. Well, that's good that she wasn't there. That's good that she wasn't there. And then she was pregnant. So then we rang her mum and dad who live around the corner. And then they came and got her and took her home and I just sat there

with no back doors in the house waiting for the police for four hours. Oh my God. It's awful. Oh my God. Awful, awful times. We've been fans since the start of the show and had a dream birthday present.

We've been fans since the start of the show and our dream birthday present as prescribed by Josh of the parenting hell book with a ticket for the show as a bookmark ah nice can't wait to see you both live in April thanks for the pod you're amazing

and Lucy and Nick Rose see you there Lucy and Nick tickets are still available I think Nottingham, Wembley and there's a couple left in Manchester but it's pretty much sold out everywhere else but come come along i'm excited josh it's gonna be fun i'm really excited it's gonna be fun now rob yes well my kids are off school sick i could talk about that and hugh grant but no it was just a hugh grant thing it's quite big when we're recording

this recording on monday everyone's having a go at Hugh Grant for being rude at the Oscars. But I don't think he's being rude, Josh. He's just basically answering a question normally. Yeah. And the interview is so weird. I watched it and I thought, this isn't headline worthy. No, no, no. In the way that a football presenter had an opinion,

it should be front page news. In a world, you know, cost of living crisis, all that kind of stuff. But I think Gary Lineker and Hugh Grant are the real takeaways. This is like new tabloids from the 90s. Not now. Hugh Grant and Gary Lineker, they're in a resurgence. They both look good, don't they, for their age?

I think Hugh Grant's a tipping point now. Do you? I think he's got two choices here. He can try and rescue it or jump off a cliff, you know. No, not literally, but you know what I mean? I think it's... I think because he made a joke about it where he was on with Andy McDowell. Is it Andy McDowell? Was was on with Andy McDowell.

Is it Andy McDowell? Was he on with Andy McDowell? When she was at a funeral? I think it was, yeah, he was presenting an award and he's quite a funny joker. He said, this is an example of the benefits of moisturiser. Well, Andy McDowell's moisturised for all of her life and looks unbelievable, where I've never moisturised and I look like a scrotum.

So I think he's aware. I think he's aware of it but no the interview is but basically people are going oh he's being so miserable and rude but the lady i think is ashley graham's like oh my god are you excited to be here and he's like yeah sort of but in in the hugh grant's defense where people going well if you don't that's what they do at the oscars if you think the questions are vacuous then you shouldn't go i'm going to tell you now he's being made to go for some sort of promotion of his films yeah no not most people at the oscars are there for work purposes i think apart from the really needy ones he should have got an oscar for paddington too he was so good in paddington too he should still be seething i am actually enjoying hugh grant as an actor now

more than when he was younger. So am I. He was great in The Gentleman. Have you seen The Gentleman? No. He's good in that. But anyway, that was a weird Hugh Grant rant. Would you go to the...

I think I'd have the worst night ever if I went to the Oscars. I think I'd hate it. I'm not the one for getting dressed up. I didn't even like going to my sixth form Leavers' Ball. I didn't go to my Leavers. The house was in Leeds Castle, a 30-minute drive, I didn't even like going to my sixth form leavers ball. I didn't go to my leavers. I didn't go to my leavers. The house was in Leeds Castle, 30 minute drive.

And everyone was all in like, oh, cause they say to him, what are you wearing? And he goes, my suit. Yes. Basically when you look at the telly,

do not be fooled by the cameras and the clothes. I'd say 60% of the people there are hating it the other 40 need medical attention right shall we bring on a guest she is absolutely one of the uh best tv presenters in the uk yes she is she's unbelievable very very funny and i think so funny you don't realize how funny she is because on the one show you've got to jump between emotions so quickly you can't get into a funny groove before you're talking about sort of a sick pet or something can you exactly exactly genuinely this was absolutely a brilliant interview i'm so excited for people to hear it so here it is this is alex jones right oh i'm sweating i've just literally done a marathon back from sainsbury's

this is the start we want let's just start like that what are you buying oh just shit that the kids need yogurts it's always fucking yogurts it? Yes. I've got a very bad sense of time when it comes to trying to pack kids' activities in in the morning. I was like, yeah, we can go to a soft play, Sainsbury's, and make it back in 45 minutes. But that's the one show mentality. You can pack anything into half an hour on the one show. Well, exactly. And it spills over into my other life because now I've got this and then I've got an hour of skateboarding with my three-year-old because that was the only way I could get him

into nursery this morning was by saying right if you go in I will take you skateboarding at 1 30 and he was like okay mama and now see I'm locked into that I don't want to go and then you've got to go and take the youngest to a badger cull. And then the eldest is going to a protest about the expansion of a dump. It's non-stop. Honestly. So I'm really like now, this is like relaxing time. We should probably do the interaction. Alex Jones from The One Show.

Not Alex Jones from the internet. The bad man from America who shares your name. Was that problematic when he became famous? Oh, I can't even tell you josh i mean the amount of messages i've got suddenly i'm banned from twitter and i feel that i didn't do anything but i was just like responding to messages that were meant for him going guys i'm like the nicest one off the one show. Leave me alone. And then they banned me as well. Nice. They banned all Alex Joneses, basically. Yeah.

So now just to cover all bases, me and my namesake banned. But I mean, I get why he is. But, you know, I'm quite nice and normal. Yeah. Well, we've got the better Alex Jones. So we're very happy about that. I think you're on probably the most popular show on TV. But I also think, along with that, you are the most underrated TV presenter we've got.

Because the one show is so smooth and just flies through. When I did Saturday Kitchen with you the other day, I was like, you are hilarious. I don't think people give you enough credit for being really, really funny. Do you think that's fair? That's really kind. Yeah. When you slammed me for being a vegetarian, I thought, do you know what?

You wouldn't have got that with Tim Lovejoy. He'd have been thinking it, but he wouldn't have said it. The thing is, I think there's not much room for personality to creep out of the one show sometimes. It's so packed in that if you have got a funny thing to say on it, the next thing's coming so quick, you haven't got the time for the full Alex Jones to be unleashed. That's probably a good thing, to be honest.

You know, we're working within a tight, rigid kind of timeframe. And I think probably it's for the best in some regards. But like, I feel sorry for when comedians come on, because it's quite a hard show to, because you feel under pressure i guess to be amusing i love the show but i find it so hilarious because you do the jumps between the things so seamlessly like it's normal and for a comic you just want to go what's happening but you can't you don't no one really addresses what's going on it just sort of happens and i find it quite fun

so how many kids have you got alex i have got good i think that i've got three so how many part-time presenters have you got also i think three to be honest like presenting the one show at one point during the pandemic was a bit like being on tinder so i would not know really who was going to be there the next day and it was a bit of a swipe right, swipe left. Were they good? Were they not? And now we've narrowed our choices down and committed long-term relationship to Ronan and JJ, Jermaine Jenas, and Roman Kemp. Kempy. Roman Kempy. Yeah. Who I love, but I'm going to have to have a stern word after the vest of the Brits, I feel.

Yes, you wore a vest at the Brit. Like, what are you doing? Are you young, corn edgy, or are you now on The One Show? No offence, Alex, but there's a bit of a gap, isn't there? You can't wear a vest at the Brits and then sit there and keep a straight face when someone's doing a walk for charity. No, you can't have a knitted vest on. No one will take you seriously for sad VTs if your nipples have been on ITV the night before. you seriously for sad VTs if your nipples have been on ITV the night before. But he's brilliant. The thing with Roman is like he's kind of like an old man disguised as kind of a trendy 30 something.

Like he loves all the stuff. He like loves space and he loves like history and stuff. And yeah, he's disguised it quite well. But now the one show can be like a care home also sometimes. He also blends well in that environment. Well, I did present it with you a couple of times. What I struggle with is you know exactly what you're thinking when you look at my face. So if we're coming off the back of something that's quite heartfelt. You haven't got that in your locker room. I ain't got that in my locker.

I just, my eyes tell a different story to the words. That's the problem I find sometimes. So I live and die by what's on the show that week. I think you were really good on it. And actually, our viewers are such lovely, lovely people and loyal that I think they quite like having a bit of a change, as long as it's a nice atmosphere. Yeah.

It's fine. Do you think we're ever going to get to the kids bit? No, come on. It turns out that me and rob i was so interested in the one show i think it's a phenomenon isn't it i mean i can't believe it i love how interested you are and i love your passion i've got one more thing i do want to say about the one show which is what people don't know is in the autocue when you've got a big change in brackets it will say tone change yes yeah or sometimes in big letters sad

we'll be jolly me and whoever and we'll be going oh you know and wasn't it funny and then you have to rearrange your face so quickly yes but that's why you're absolutely pro alex have you heard that clip of the irish show this i'd say is the absolute king of how not to do it on the one show yes this is exactly what you're talking about alex listen to this i don't know if you've seen this and you're very welcome back now author seamus o'reilly was just five years old when he and his 10 siblings 10 siblings sadly lost their mom you can feel it oh my goodness But he can see the autocue. He's the other presenter.

Yeah, but it's a classic case of he didn't see it coming, did he? No. He was up to you in joy and he couldn't pull it back. There you go. He needed sad in caps. That's what he needed. Now, how many kids have you got, Alex? We've got there.

It's ten minutes in. We've got three. They are six, three and one. Oh, that's a tough one. Rob, it's fully wind tunnel. I've not heard that phrase before, wind tunnel. We're in the wind tunnel or it feels like on a treadmill. There's a speed that's not manageable and I can't get off.

Oh, three is, it scares me. You work like early evening, afternoon. What time do you have to leave to get to work? So I go at about 2.30. So what's your schedule looking like before you leave the house? Well, so this morning we've already got one to school, one to nursery who didn't want to go, pushed me over into the coats. I had Oscar's hook wedged into my cheek.

He was holding on so tight that I couldn't get him off me. It took two people. Poor Kit. I mean, he's up and down, little Kit, middle child. And so got back from there, then got Annie, the little one, into a buggy, ran, got to a soft play where I was meeting two friends, sweating, had a quick coffee, knocked it back, played with her for a little bit to feel like I'd done something, put her back in the buggy, went to Sainsbury's, shoved loads of things under the buggy, paid for them very quickly,

ran back, I'm here. Right, okay. We'll be done here about one o'clock and then you've got an hour and a half before you go to the one show. No. So what happens then, three-year-old would only go into nursery if I would take him skateboarding. So we've got skateboarding between 1.30 and 2.30, at which point I have to get in the car to leave. It's all very tight. Yeah. And then you leave and you go to the one show. Now let's talk to you about the one show.

So is that a typical day before the one show? Yeah, that's a typical day. So Kit is our middle child and he's relentless. Relentless. He is like having four children. I think I told you a story on Saturday Kitchen. A few weeks ago, we picked him up from nursery and I needed some bits from Ikea.

And I made the mistake, huge mistake, of taking him with me. Yes. And he threw a wok down the escalator. Honestly, I can't even tell you the noise that made. And my husband was with me and he walked away hang on a minute i'm the one on the telly you stay i walk away turns out we both walked away left into it this is very typical behavior for him he is another level if you like josh winnicombe you're in luck that's because the co-host of parents in hell

and the last leg maestro is the guest on the first episode of the always be comedy podcast out now and with me your host and mc always be comedy james gill each week the cream of comedy curates their fantasy comedy gig who'd open who close? What gig nightmare do they never want to relive? All this and much, much more. It's essentially comedy gossip and chat. You know, I remembered this the other day. My first ever gig. It was like a Friday night open mic night.

And they said, we'll just announce you on when you're on. We haven't got a running order. It's a bit free form. I got to the end of the night. And then they wrapped it up. And they'd forgotten to put me on and i'd sat there the whole night we've also got stewart lee harry hill jen brister ben bailey smith maisie adam al marie rachel paris and many many more coming up that's the always Be Comedy podcast, out now with new episodes every Tuesday. Has it gone up since you've had the third, like classic middle child syndrome,

or has you always been like this as an individual? He's always been a handful. And now you're giving him less attention. Yeah, it's cranked up. So he is a kid who, despite me dipping it in sugar, would never have a dummy. Didn't want it, didn't want to comfort her, nothing, nothing doing. And so this sounds awful, and I'm not even sure how to explain this in an audio situation.

But he would put his little hand around my bra strap and pull it like hell, which comforts him. So all night, this goes on. Wow. All day, yeah. Really? And so is he sleeping in with you? I don't, Josh.

Okay, so what's the sleeping situation, Alex? Talk us through from six to one. I don't think I've slept in six years. Not a full night, definitely not. So they've all been pretty bad sleepers, touch wood, apart from Annie. And what are you touching wood for? They've all been pretty bad sleepers touch wood apart from what you're touching wood for they've all been pretty bad sleepers touch wood as if like oh no i wouldn't want that to change i'm that tired i'm

not even making sense annie is okay she's pretty good is she her own bed yeah she's in a cot so she's in a baby jail she can't get out yet in a different room in a different room yeah when we had our first child we were like are we not those parents that they're gonna sleep in our bed by now i don't care whatever like i will do anything to have some sort of semblance of a few hours here and there yeah i don't care and if we have no relationship left that's fine something's gotta give exactly because if you're not sleeping you'll do anything i mean last night i slept in four different beds yeah and then so in the last but one bed kit had taken his nappy off because he's still in nappies in the night yeah he'd taken it off and we both woke up with wet pajamas because he'd peed all

over me oh oh my no alex and then you still had another bed to get into at that point so then i had a quick wash down in the shower me and him this is at like i don't know it was about quarter to four i think oh god yeah and then took him bottomless and me bottomless at this point pair of knickers back into our bed where he wriggled until about 5 30 when the elders came in on his tummy, like SAS, this is what he does, to get my phone. No. Sneaks in 5.30am to nick your phone. Yeah, so he knows my passcode.

And again, it's one of the situations, life's too short, I'm not going to argue with him. I won't remember a new one. Have it. Yeah. But then just now, an email popped up from Amazon saying, oh, Iron Man mask is on its way to you. Oh, my word.

£51. £51! £51! £51. Oh, Alex. So do you put them all in their own beds to start with in the evening and then they creep in? So in the evening, they go to bed and it's a very

normal situation and they're all good until about midnight and then it's anybody's guess at least the youngest is sleeping well then the one year old she'll sleep three out of seven full oh yeah is your eldest waking you up at five in the morning most mornings trying to nick your phone every morning and honestly he knows in the morning most mornings trying to nick your phone? Every morning. And honestly, he knows where the creaky bits are on the landing. No. I mean, we all know where the creaky bits are for different reasons. Me, because when I've put them all down, I avoid the creaks.

When I'm going back and forth from one room to another, I avoid the creaks in the middle of the night so as to not disturb the baby. Yeah. Ted knows because he comes in sas on the tummy to get the phone and what does he want to do on the phone apart from online shopping oh he is six going on 15 pornography so he oh he will have gone through my instagram really Really? Maybe post a few things. I don't show their faces on Instagram and stuff. And everybody do what you like,

but I just think they can choose that or not when they're older. But, I mean, if Ted's in charge, full face. There it is. Full face to see. Then he'll play some games. This game. You know this one where you balance the ball and you sort of, I don't know really, you've got to get it along this track.

I mean, it's shit, but he loves it. He loves it. And then I told him that if he was going to watch YouTube, that the police would come because I was so scared of YouTube and what he might find. Yeah, yeah. That I said, if you go on that, I kid you not, like if you don't go to school, the police will come and take me away. So thankfully, he's on board with that. That is nuclear.

That is good. You've gone fully in there, haven't you? Yeah. But then if you say that, they'll take not him away, you away. The police will get you. What happens when he's nine and he looks you dead in the eye and goes, good, and then just opens YouTube? That's a double hit because he's watching youtube and then he's also gone i don't care well rob i'm just a day-to-day kind of girl at the minute you know i'll deal

with that when we get to it yeah okay and i have to say and they won't take daddy because I feel that might not be enough of a threat. Right. Okay. Yeah. Wow. There we go. So, and do you try and divide and conquer the jobs or do you do it together or do you split up all the different jobs with your husband? Yeah.

Divide and conquer. So, on a Saturday, and I thought I was the only one who wasn't that keen on Saturdays. But it turns out, after a very honest conversation with some friends, they don't like Saturdays either. Yeah. Because you're like, right, here we go. So it starts with football at nine o'clock.

What is wrong with people? Three-year-old football at nine o'clock. Why does he even go? I mean, that's the question, isn't it? But he thinks he's Ronaldo. Oh, so he's into it? He's into it yeah but kit is like a puppy so it's the same mentality get him out walk him early yeah right so charlie does that so he takes him on his bike so poor thing by the time he gets back he's absolutely shot yeah yeah yeah you're running him like a dog yeah and then the eldest he's a different kettle

of fish he would sit in front of the television for 12 hours a day if i let him right yeah it's my daughter he's not so into activities he's into more doing craft and stuff at home all of that sort of thing so that would be me i look after him and annie charlie will take the one that needs a bit of a walk let's say and And then Charlie does all the food. I do all the kind of putting them to bed because Kit wants the bra strap. So you just yank on it while he's falling asleep, basically. You pull on it. Does it hurt?

It's not ideal. It's not great for the posture, is it, really? Just being yanked down. I mean, and I obviously, like we all do, adore him. But you know when you just feel cross because there's no personal space. Like, ah, get your little mitt out of my top. I just want to be normal for a minute. Oh, you don't come across as tired. that's kind of you but we've got

professional makeup people that's probably why yeah i think saturdays get better when your kids are all in primary school because you're not seeing as much in the week and then when saturday comes you don't have to get up early for like the school run that's what we like. Yeah. The weekends are nice in that way, aren't they? Where you've got that lazy morning thing. But Saturday now has been overtaken by this.

It's like day six of rushing out of the house. Yeah. Sunday's a lot more calm. How are you feeling about the impending walking of the youngest she's walking she's fully going right okay and that is a whole new level of chaos really i mean we went not very high end we went to zz some say zz god knows do they yeah really easy well it's like pizza isn't it double Z oh right pizza yeah

pizza but we're still sick to ZZ in this house don't know you've got self-respect is that your favourite Italian chain I wouldn't say favourite

Josh but no like the idea of going out as a family for supper is amazing

but the reality is somewhat of a letdown, I feel. But in ZZ, they don't care if kids are running riot. So I spend most of the meal going up and down the same set of stairs as Annie. And you do think you're going a bit mad, don't you, after a while? You think, is this life? Is this life? Is this life? Is this life? And then she's at that phase and she is lovely,

but you cannot reason for love nor money. So it's the constant pointing, mama, mama, mama. And I'm like, okay, okay, what does she want now? And yesterday it was the hand dryer in the ladies. So we had to keep going back to the ladies, to the hand dryer. And some would say, why didn't you just not go back to the ladies so we had to keep going back to the ladies to the hand dryer and some would say why didn't you just not go back to the ladies yeah but the intense mama mama it grinds you down rob it does i think with stuff like that you've just got to go i've got to relax and just go with the

current here because if i try and fight it it's going to be more difficult i think yeah you're right josh you are i think that's a really tough age though that when they're like mobile but you can't talk to them or negotiate with them or explain to them anything they're just moving and then you've got another one who's not fully at school yet who's running around wanting attention in kit and then the one who's just sort of started school you are definitely in the wind tunnel yeah the Alex Jones wind tunnel I think it's going to become a turn of phrase on this show. Yeah. That period of time.

And at the same time, this is the weird thing, right? So we've said all that. And my husband's always like, what's wrong with you? I get really stressed that they're growing up. Oh, yeah. That's exactly what I'm like. Really? You're wishing it away, but then sad that even a day passes.

Yeah, sad. And then Ted, he's six six and he does this thing oh my god this is a whole side thing but he does this thing where he plays the system in school now so he's quite switched on ted yeah but every other week i have a phone call from the office and they know because it goes like this hi is that teddy's mum yeah hi speaking um ted's got a sore tummy yeah and i can't even hide my yeah and we have sent him back to class twice and we've just taken his temperature and it's creeping up. It's now 37.4. That is not a high temperature.

And they go, so because of our guidelines, I'm afraid you're going to have to pick him up. So this happened last week on Thursday. They don't know that we're both here in the morning, do they? They don't know we could be in a proper job and have to leave. I think people are aware of which hours you work, though, Alex. Of all the people in the country, people are most aware of your hours, I'd say. Sorry, I'm stuck at work at the moment.

Are you, Alex? It's 11am. We had to have a serious chat about that because I said, so did you tell Mrs T that you felt... And he went, no, it wasn't Mrs T it was a supply teacher I was like aha and do you think you could have stayed in school yeah but it's just too easy mum

he said that yeah oh my word so we had a chat about the boy who cried wolf classic yeah classic but he's honestly like on the cusp of becoming a teenager and he seems really tall suddenly and it makes me cry sometimes thinking oh i'm losing him he's becoming you know and charlie's like he's six get a grip there's

another two who aren't even in school yeah look at this do you think that's why you went for a third because we've got two and like me and Lou have this discussion all the time is I really do miss that cute little baby you know when they're like one or two and they squid you and you hold them and these little precious things I massively crave that and miss that yeah but then I think I'll always crave and miss that but you can't just keep having kids for the rest of your life at some point you're gonna have to just accept that that squid stage is gone and was a part of your life but do you reckon you'll have more if you're feeling that do you reckon you'll go for a fourth well I think I've

got the condition where I'm sort of squidge obsessed. And this scares Charlie. I can't even tell you how much. And so this whole sleeping in various beds works well. Yeah, it really puts a stop to the fall. Yeah. And he's like, think about the planet. I'm like, I know, but I love them.

Think about the planet. I know. Honestly, you try anything, think about the planet. So we did, oh, I don't know Think about the planet. I know. Honestly, you'll try anything. Think about the planet. Yes. So we did, oh, I don't know why we did it, but we did Dry January. Do you remember after that Christmas that Boris completely ruined? And then it was really cold.

Yeah, and it was a proper lockdown. It was the really depressing one, wasn't it? Yeah, and you could only go to the park. Yeah. We started taking flasks and stuff. It was just horrible. And then we found out that M&S was open in Westfield. And that became like the best day trip ever because it was warm in there.

Anyway, we did Veganuary and Dry January. Oh, my word. There's nothing to live for. Awful. Never again. And I fell pregnant. Oh. Be this a lesson a lesson people never be too healthy so do you think that made you more fertile or it was an aphrodisiac I think it was the lentils and

whatever because we were peak condition yeah whereas normally we'd be soaked in wine. So, yeah. You are an expert on fertility. Is that fair? Well, I'm a qualified fertility assistant. So I guess, yeah, it is fair. So you went and you worked in a fertility ward for a year. Is that right?

Well, six months. Six months. And I tell you you what it's nearly something all parents should do because of course the day-to-day can be like being in the trenches but you then meet all these parents and all they want is a day in the trenches that's all they want yeah and they want somebody to ask them about how it is being a working dad or a working mum, which is questions we all field on a regular basis. And they want that kind of conundrum and the guilt of being at work. They want it all. And you come back and you just go, come here. I mean, Ted said, what happens in that hospital? Why do you come back and you suffocate me?

Because I'm so grateful to have you. I love you all so much. And you know what? That is one of the best things that came out for me personally was just this whole new appreciation of what it is to be a parent. And it's mad, that chemical reaction. And that's why Annie was a surprise, huge surprise. I think like the chances of somebody's eggs,

somebody's sperm going, all right, we can work together. It's not for charts, it's magic. Yeah. You didn't go for IVF at all. You did this show, Fertility and Me. Is that the show? Yeah. It is a 10-parter, and I think it's incredible

that a channel have committed to giving that much airtime to a subject that we really haven't talked about. Like, we talk about depression, alcoholism, all of it, but we don't talk about making a human. It's all called Making Babies. It's on W. What was it like to be on the ward?

Like, what's your day-to-day involved? Some people hate blood and all of that. Yeah. I don't mind. I mean, you're cleaning up so many different

types of liquid with children. Whatever, innit? You got pissed on last night, didn't you? Exactly. That is not the first time that's happened.

And once, by two, just at slightly different times. Anyway, so my main job was kind of chaperoning patients. And because part of all three of our jobs is kind of being able to build relationships with people quite quickly. And I love that part about it but it was taking blood it was doing observations it was all kind of the bottom level stuff to support this team but the boss was really really intense you won't mind me saying that Dr. Sarris he's like the closest thing to a magician when it comes to making babies but he was was not messing around. He was like, right, just to be clear, he didn't say this, but in so many words, I don't want a telly person coming in here,

messing about and messing about with my staff and wasting people's time. And I really respected that. But actually, I loved it. When I was little, I used to love hospitals. Some people hate them. I love the smell. I loved the shops because they're a bit crap, aren't they?

Yeah. They've got good magazine and sweets. And I thought, oh, I'd quite like to be a nurse. Kind of forgot about it. Went off, did some telly. And then as soon as I was back in the hospital, I thought, oh, I could have done this job. Yeah. Loved it.

Really? Yeah. And how much did people go, shouldn't you be at the bbc because you're on in an hour like when you're walking around the wards like yeah so when i'd go especially to take people's blood which you know lots of people are quite nervous about blood taking they'd be too polite to say it but you'd see their face change it was definitely like anxiety and then one or two would be like you're the same alex right on the one show so how long have you been taking blood i'd be like don't worry it's gonna be fine which arm and they'd be like oh this one maybe so you didn't think i'll explain

you thought i'm just gonna plow on and say don't worry i'll be fine you didn't say, I'll explain. You thought, I'm just going to plough on and say, don't worry, it'll be fine. You didn't say. I'd be like, you know, yeah, don't worry, I've had a bit of practice. Not a bit. What is it the first thing people say to you when, with comedians, I find a lot of them go, what's Jimmy Carr like? Because people are quite interested to know what he's like. That's always the first one. Is there a question that you get that comes up a lot about the one show and your work?

Yeah. Well, I get who's your favourite guest all the time. And I'm not sure whether I've got the first signs of like a little bit of dementia or something, but I literally don't know who was on last night. I can never remember. It's like sitting in an exam. It happens, it goes in and out the other side.

The easier question for me is who's the worst guest yeah and that's the one i'd ask i would never ask who's your favorite that josh and rob all the i tell you what and you won't mind me saying it well you might if he listens to this i'll be really surprised and actually it's what happens when you're a bit of a dick sorry but jared leto jared leto oh really i don't i don't think he'll be listening i don't know he might have kids might get him on jared leto was hard work was he oh rob what was he doing he was just dressed in gucci and whatever and just so dismissive and put himself on like a different plane to everybody else and I just can't bear people

like that. Oh he was on Zoom, was he on Zoom? He was on Zoom in that white outfit. Dressed like kind of, I don't know what he's dressed like, like a musketeer or something, yeah. He looks like a Shakespearean actor. Thank you. Yeah. Oh he looks hard work. I don't know whether I referenced musketeer

early on and then from there it was like a sharp downhill. Oh, so you made a reference to the frilly shirt and it all. You're not dressed dissimilar from him. I know. You're wearing more or less the same outfit. But you know some people, you cannot warm them up for love nor money. And he was one of them.

Now, I've learned the hard way about telling people who the worst guests are because I did this once with Jeremy Irons, and then Jeremy Irons confronted me, and he was like, so I read an article. I'm top five worst guests ever. Oh, God. Well, he was tricky because I got the name of his wife wrong. His wife is called, oh, God, let's get this right.

He's called Sinead and I called her Joan because the surname is Cusack. And I, you know. Oh, right, yeah. And to be honest, I'm not sure who Joan Cusack is, but I did a bit and then it came out. And he went mental. Really? Yeah.

But to be fair, you know, everybody has an off day everybody's allowed yeah and then he was actually fine i said well look there's been many bad ones since you've probably dropped down to the top 20 now he was fine with it he was fine but yeah i think the more tricky ones stand out yeah you basically meet everyone by doing the one show don't you yeah you do i mean it's incredible as a show that we get so many brilliant guests but you know what it's like there's a lot of information on a daily basis and sometimes things get muddled and becomes quite normal oh we got so and so on so and so on and that's your week isn't it yeah and i mean i

remember calling lady gaga lady garden because she was just in a long list of people and then it was Lady Garden she didn't like that by the way she's a bit prickly isn't she she's a bit prickly yeah covered in meat I did the Royal Variety performance and I was on stage with it was me Davidiams, and then there was like the Chuckle Brothers and Bernie Clifton. And I said, oh, can we get a selfie? And she went, no. And I was like, you know what, fair enough. Fair enough.

But I have to say, 99.9% of our guests are lovely. Yeah. Oh, that's good. That's why you remember the ones that were a bit spiky or a bit tricky because they are quite few and far between, which is quite comforting, isn't it? Hello and welcome to the trailer of Oh My Dog with me, Jack D. And me, Sean Walsh. In our new weekly podcast, we'll be revealing the most intimate, ridiculous details of our relationships with our beloved dogs.

I have the delightful, spirited Mildred Barrett, who is a cockapoo. Yeah, my streetwise best friend is Dolly, the long-haired chihuahua that we rescued. We'll be asking the all-important questions like, does your dog sleep in your bed? Do you let your dog kiss you on the mouth? And what voice do you use when you're speaking to your dog?

What are you doing? What are you doing, Sean? I'm doing the voice that I use to speak to Mildred. Oh, thank goodness for that. We'll also get our equally dog-obsessed guests... What are you doing? I'm carrying on with the trailer.

I know that you speak to Dolly with a voice. Do the voice. I'm not... No, I'm not going to do that now. Do the voice! We want to hear the voice! Hello, my darling. Have you been a good girl today? What are you going to do? Have you missed me?

Have you missed me? Good girl. It's not funny. It's how I talk to her. Don't mock it. Over the coming weeks, you'll be hearing from the likes of Jonathan Ross, Amanda Abingdon and Sarah Cox

about their faithful four-legged friends. Make sure you subscribe now so you don't miss our first episode on Monday 6th March. You are very much part of the podcast too, so get in touch by emailing us at hello at omdpod.com or follow us on Instagram at omdpod. Does your six-year-old respect your work on The One Show?

No. No. Okay. Good. Good to know. I still don't know whether, probably like your kids, maybe they do a bit,

but I don't know whether they still really know what I do for a job or I think they think that everybody's parents does this for a job. Yeah. It's just normal to them, isn't it? But what I think they think that everybody's parents does this for a job yeah it's just normal to them isn't it but what I struggle with is that because he does watch the show like twice a week on a say midweek and on a Friday he can stay up if he has a bath before

and watch the show and I think he thinks it's quite normal that oh yeah there's mama yeah and you probably get this i'm really struggling with the older he gets not to let him turn in to a bit of a dick so because you do you get invited to places and sometimes charlie rightly so says we shouldn't go because yeah it would be amazing but how many amazing stuff are they going to get it's quite hard isn't it to know how to yeah because you obviously you go i want to give them these amazing experiences, but also I don't want them to be... Taking it for granted. I was about to say Paris Hilton.

My daughter's not going to live that life. She might, you know... That would be the most unlikeliest set of circumstances if your daughter became the next Paris Hilton. I can't imagine... I don't live that starry a life. What I'm saying is, should I take her to, you know, see the snowman in the theater not

should i take her to on a private jet but yeah but i kind of think yeah because you want them to have as much experience as possible of different things exactly but you remember when we were kids and you're probably the same on a saturday and a sunday it was like there's some breakfast put your shorts on out you go see you at 6 30 yeah and we'd go up to the tip to basically the dump and play on rubbish all day make a den play kick a can which was basically like tag and then if it was raining be like are we really bored and they're like cool well we're ironing so and i feel like we pack our kids weekends. It's like scheduled. Yeah, I think it's too busy. And I don't know why that's happened,

but it seems to be like everybody does it. And I think a bit of boredom sometimes is a good thing. Agree. You said you do the put into the bed. Do you put them all to bed when you get back from the one show? No, so I don't put the younger two to bed if I'm doing the one show, but I will do Teddy's last story. And then we will do like a pantomime whisper of Matilda or BFG

or whatever he's reading at the time as to not disturb the other one that's in the bed over there. This tells you all you need to know about Kit. He sleeps with his eyes open. That boy is ready to go. He's always just standing by for whatever needs to happen next. Oh, Ben. It's good that energy will serve him well when he's a grown-up.

Well, I think so. Either he'll do something amazing, because he's our most tricky, but he's our most resilient. He had Gromit's operation last week, literally hours's our most resilient. Like he had grommet operation last week. Literally hours later. Yeah, let's go then. Had general anaesthetic, no nap, nothing. Okay, mama, shall we go?

Oh, man. Yeah. Good on him. Fair play. It's time now for the final question, Alex, and then we can release you to skateboarding. What is the one thing that your partner does parenting wise? You think that is amazing.

I couldn't do that. That's why I wanted to have kids with him. He's brilliant. And then what's the one thing he does that annoys you and does your head in about him and parenting that if he was to listen back, you would go, yeah, fair enough. Maybe she's right. The list on one side is far weightier and meatier than the other side. Which side's that? So what I admire about him is his ability to just keep a level of calm and patience when I am losing my head.

He would be like, right, go into the other room, take a breath, which, patronising tone, does annoy the shit out of me. Yeah, that is annoying, but it is the right thing to do, but it's very annoying to be told, isn't it? But he can juggle the three with a lot more ease because he doesn't care about the detail. On Saturday, I was doing Radio 2 in the morning. And so Charlie had to take the three of them to football.

Now, not an easy task to get them out of the door and in football by nine. I appreciate that. But whether they would have had breakfast, Annie would probably have a clean nappy on. Will she have something that matches on? Probably not. But he's like, nobody cares. Yeah. but i can hear my mother all the time and so i don't particularly care but i care that she would care and even when i take pictures even when i take

pictures of the children and they're out don't yesterday we were like in this wetland center and i was like i'm not gonna post that picture of the back of her head because she doesn't have a hat on and my mother will see that and then there'll be a conversation about well do you think that's wise it's a cold snap and she doesn't have a hat on it's detailed so I'm all about the detail because this is how I've been but Charlie Charlie is like calm because he's like, does it matter? Does that detail matter? Yeah. I'm slightly on Charlie's side of the detail there.

If you're in charge, have as much detail. No, I'm just saying, if you're in charge, have as much detail as you want. However, if you're off at work, it's his rodeo. He's in charge of the detail. I think that's the only way to make it through is you do you and I'll do me

and that's the way a relationship works yeah do you know what I mean yeah exactly perfect I'm on board Lou will say things

to me like that going why are you taking me there like that doing that I'm like it's got nothing to do with you

you're not on this trip you're over there I'm in charge of my children for the next three hours I'll choose yeah that's quite an aggressive way of doing it rob but fair enough each their own well charlie's gotta put a hat on the kid because alex mums wants it on alex i never want the hat on like i think

that's why i'm so cold as a person right i mean i don't feel cold as a person, but I feel cold all the time, all the time. And I think it was because my mum has got this obsession with kids, like, layered up to the point where they can't move and walk and they're heating on full blast.

And now I'm always freezing. And I think that's why. And I'm doing it to my own children and I can't stop. Amazing. Alex, it's been absolutely brilliant. Thank you so much. It's hilarious. One of the best we've ever done. Thank you so like, stop. Amazing. Alex, it's been absolutely brilliant. Thank you so much. It's hilarious.

One of the best we've ever done. Thank you so much, Alex. Good luck with your show, Making Babies, which is a 10-part show on the W channel. Thank you so much. Yes, that is correct information. I've loved it. It's like therapy.

I'm going to go to skateboard for an hour, happy and, you know, a little bit lighter. Brilliant. Oh, thanks, Alex. You're welcome back any time. That was Alex Jones. That was one of my favourites. She's so good. She's really funny.

She's funny and she's quirky and interesting and... And wind tunnel. It's all about the situation. They're in the wind tunnel. She's got a great turn of phrase, Alex Jones. Make sure you watch her show. Making Babies on W Josh I'll speak to you soon

see you on Tuesday bye I'm Ivo Graham and I'm Alex Keeley we're stand up comedians who love music and we'd like to tell you about our new podcast

Gig Pigs Alex and I have been watching live music together for years so we've decided to compromise this hobby and potentially our friendship by turning it into a project. Every episode, we'll be going to a gig, and then discussing it afterwards with the friends who came along to third wheel us.

Asking questions like, did you enjoy the gig? Did you check the setlist in advance? Did you appreciate the artist's mid-song banter? Did this gig profoundly change your relationship with live music? Was the Cloakroom queue prohibitively long? We've been to Franz Ferdinand with Rose Matafayo and Emma Ciddy, Kendrick Lamar with Phil Wang, and The Cure with Celia A.B. And next month, we're going with Ed Gamble to watch Napalm Death. Episodes are out from this Thursday and every Thursday thereafter until attending live music once a week with a different guest becomes logistically impossible. We have no idea how soon that could be, so join us now

by going to your preferred podcast platform and searching Gig Pigs. If you like Josh Winnicombe, you're in luck. That's because the co-host of Parents in Hell and The Last Leg Maestro is the guest on the first episode of the Always Be Comedy podcast. Out now, and with me, your host and emcee of Always Be Comedy podcast. Out now and with me, your host and MC of Always Be Comedy, James Gill. Each week, the cream of comedy curates their fantasy comedy gig. Who'd open? Who'd close?

What gig nightmare do they never want to relive? All this and much, much more. It's essentially comedy gossip and chat. You know, I remembered this the other day. My first ever gig,

it was like Friday night open mic night. And they said we'll just announce you on when you're on. We haven't got a running order. It's a bit free form. I got to the end of the night and then they wrapped it up and they'd forgotten to put me on. And I'd sat there the whole night.

We've also got Stuart Lee, Harry Hill, Jen Brister, Ben Bailey Smith, Maisie Adam, Al Murray, Rachel Parris and many, many more coming up. That's the Always Be Comedy podcast, out now with new episodes every Tuesday.