Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP21: I had no idea where my children were...

Episode Date: March 21, 2023

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Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with ruth can you say this can you say rob no beckett and can you say this? Can you say Rob? No. Beckett. Pikes. And can you say Josh? Yes. Whittaker.

Whittaker. Yeah! Good girl. Well, they went big there, didn't they? Big fan of that enthusiasm. Hi, Rob, Josh and Mr Voice Michael. Here's our 18-month-old daughter, Ruth, saying your names. Thanks for helping me through some tough times as a new dad.

Keep being relatable. We're looking forward to seeing you at the Manchester show. Cheers, Tom, from Sheffield. See you there, Tom. Go on, Tom. Go on, Tom. Big up, Tom and Ruthie. How are you, Rob? I'm good.

Well, I'm good. I've been quite busy, so a bit stretched. Yes, I've been stretched. It's Monday morning, so I've been quite busy So a bit stretched Yes I've been stretched So I've been quite stretched Because my daughters are off school today So hear this out Okay I will Our family, I swear we've been ill since January

There's not been like A day without one of us We've not all been ill the whole time But one of us having a bit of a cough or a bit tired or a bit phlegmy for like three, four months, right? And I think like, because my eldest has got a cough and she was coughing and she said, my missus, one of the teachers at school says, I shouldn't be in school with a cough.

And I went, well, if you weren't in school with a cough, you'd be fucking homeschooled because you've had a cough for four months. So what do you want me to do about it? So do we go in with a cough or does my children my children not get an education what are we doing what are we doing about it anyway don't overreact i just said that internally which is what makes you more stressed isn't it yeah i've been doing a week i've been doing a week of some some top level internalizing and it's not good well i cannot wait to get onto that but but yeah so anyway this morning so last night over the weekend even the last couple of weekends we've been trying to not

i've been promising to go swimming but they're not well enough they're just sort of tired and run down and a bit you know arguing and stuff so he had a very chilled day on because i went i went up to crufts oh yeah i did crufts on saturday with Fred. I stayed in a hotel Friday night in Solihull with my dog Fred and I had the worst night's sleep I've had since my children had croup. I've never been in a hotel room with a dog. Yeah, what does the dog do in a hotel room? Growl, mainly. Growl and bark at anything.

Was the dog sleeping on the bed with you or did you have to take the cage? I was tempted to sleep in the bath and let the dog have the bed at that point. Didn't take the cage. This is from Robin Romesh, presumably, right? You weren't actually... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You weren't having a bit of bonding time. Yeah, I'm just checking.

Fred wanted to go to Crufts to see some dogs. You thought, I'll take him. Yeah, I'll take him up. Why not? So the problem is, the dog doesn't... Fred, got to get better at that. Fred, my dog, the dog, doesn't realise we're in a hotel. He just thinks people are burgling our house.

No shit. No shit. He just thinks someone's burgling our house every 10 minutes because there's someone in the corridor. Yeah. And he's just so, you're trying to get asleep. Then you hear, and then I turn all the lights off. But he had blackout blinds, right? And he sleeps downstairs with like, there's curtains kind of thing yeah and um the blackout

blinds went off he went absolutely look like i think he thought we'd been killed he went mental and all right okay well leave the light on so i'm laying there with the light on with a dog basically next to my face oh my god knowing that you're filming the next day yeah i know i'm feeling long day of filming as well so it's basically nine till six the next day and then driving home from birmingham so i'm laying there and the dogs snuggled up right into my head every time someone walks past and i'm nearly barking my head off and then the problem is though in the middle of the night he was doing it every noise every so i reckon i had about 20 minutes of sleep max wake up 20 minutes sleep wake up awful night's sleep and the problem is dogs hearing's really good yeah do you know about this no but i can they're well

good at hearing right yeah i'm really good at hearing yeah so it's completely silent countryside hotel nothing yeah yeah fred there's nothing going on mate i don't mind you barking with someone there's nothing happening and then you hear and then i'm like there's nothing going on mate i don't mind you barking with someone there's nothing happening and then you and then i'm like there's nothing going on and then about 10 minutes later you hear a taxi pull up i'm like how good is fucking ears he must have heard them ordering it on the fucking app and he's romesh having the same thing in his room well he's i don't know as bad because he brought his whole family up and they got to the hotel earlier in the day so the dogs used to the room oh i see i got there about eight nine o'clock and thought we hotel earlier in the day so the dog's used to the room. Oh, I see. I got up there

about eight, nine o'clock and thought we'll just hit the hay but the dog's not used to travelling like I travel. No, no, of course. So he's barking all night and then I'll get no sleep whatsoever and then we go and do crufts.

Crufts all day, come back and then we have Sunday morning, we have a nice chill day then I have to go and do Radio 2 in the afternoon. So it's been a bit stretched and stuff and trying to see the kids. Yeah, that's the classic relaxed weekend with the kids and so they're ill the eldest has

got a bit of a cough but she's not really ill but she's got a terrible cough okay the youngest has been complaining about having bad ears she was up all night with bad ears and then she hasn't got temperature but then her ear is really red and then she's got my ears my ears hurt and was distraught so like well she can't go in she hurt, my ears hurt. And was distraught. So we're like, well, she can't go in. She's got bad ears. She can't go in.

And as we're having a discussion, I could hear, and I'm like, I think she's coughing more because she can hear this. The eldest, right? And she's really coughing. Also, she's just fine.

She started smoking, didn't she, over Christmas? Yeah, she's vaping now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's really coughing. So we go, I tell you what we'll do is if one's off it doesn't matter if another one's off so let's just it's actually easier let's keep them both off we can't take one off who's not well and the other one's going in with a bad cough just keep them off for the day right the the youngest we've just gone to the doctors bad virus which is why it's all inflamed

not needing antibiotics just rest fluids, cowpole, Nurofen and all that, right? Nurofen is working, to be fair. So we're doing that. And I reckon if she has a full day of just on the sofa all day, she could probably go back tomorrow, at worst, Wednesday. This is the youngest. The oldest.

I've never seen a less unwell kid in my life. Since it turned five past eight and we've missed the school run, she's fucking flying. Can I go play outside? Absolutely not. You can't play outside. At least pretend. I know.

And then because Lou took the youngest to the doctors and I'm doing this with you and I'm in the garden. She's in the house. I was like, stay in the house. I'm down here if you need me. Within 30 seconds, she came down. And she's like, oh, yeah, I'm a bit bored can I play in the garden and I was like no go back to the house and then there's a scooter by my office and she went

can I go on the scooter I went no go back in the house she went well if I scooter to the house I'll get there quicker and I won't get more ill so she's done me on that she's had a little go on the scooter but yeah no so we've got two kids off school at the moment and Lou's having to reschedule a couple of things.

And what's wrong with your youngest? So she's got, she's come into the doctors. She's basically got a bad virus. The snot and phlegm clicks in their tubes and makes the ear painful and pressured because she's all clogged up. Are you really what's next? And it can make their jaw ache.

Yep. Yeah. So it's worse at night. So it's worse at night and first thing in the morning because they're not moving around as much and it all sits in the head and the chest. Antibiotics? Basically, cow power, norepinephrine and fluids

until it sort of clears. So just rest is key. Yeah. So, yeah. So that's my... Oh, Rob. That's my morning. Yeah.

And I had to do a conference call about an event and I've got like... I'm like, sorry. I'm like, can I do it on audio rather call about an event. And I've got like them. I'm like, sorry, can I do it on audio rather than the Zoom? I can't get to my computer and the kid's unwell. And you can hear him in the background singing along to like Mr. Tumble. Absolutely fine. Yeah, so just a classic. Just when you think maybe, you know, this podcast,

is it always going to be us stressed? It is. It really is. Well, that's the thing with kids, isn't it? It's just everything's fine as long as nothing goes out of the schedule or goes slightly wrong. But we're okay, though. Luckily, Lou's not doing much this morning,

so she couldn't watch from now. And obviously, I'm a bit around this afternoon. So it's a quiet week for me this week, which is good. That's good. Before it gets super busy and stuff. But, yeah yeah it's not too bad but I was away this is funny on Friday um last Friday um I was filming again with the dog I was up in Chelsea and I drove back and I got in at about seven o'clock and I knew that Lou was somewhere and my father-in-law was picking one of my kids up from school. And the other one was going on a play date, I think.

Yeah. So I assumed that when I got home at seven, Lou wouldn't be here because she's out. And then my father-in-law would be there with one of my kids or maybe two. At about seven o'clock, I thought, oh, he'll probably be there with two. I walk in my house. No one there. No one there. Lou's not answering the phone. So I ring my father-in-law and I said, Mick.. No one there. No one there. Lose answering a phone.

So I ring my father-in-law and I said, Mick. He went, yep. I went, do you have my children? He goes, no. What? Oh, my God. Oh, God. So I stood there and this is the first time it's happened in my entire life as a parent.

I had no idea where my children were. Not even an inkling. Not even that she's at someone's house. I didn't know the name of the parent, the name of the kid. And so I sort of knew one was orbiting Bromley somewhere. The other one, no fucking clue. Could be still at the school gates as far as I'm concerned. And then try ringing Lou, no answer.

Oh, God. So I just sat in my house On my own Did you not What else could you do I suppose you could have put it On the school WhatsApp groups Yes but I didn't want I don't want

It's a bad message Hi guys Class rep here Does anyone know Where my children are Anyone I don't think it's I don't think

I've tried my father Your main issues Are going to be removed From your class rep duties That's your main issue Anyone? I don't think it's... I've tried my father-in-law. Your main issues are going to be removed from your class rep duties. That's your main issue. That's not my main issue, but it's not a great look, is it? To message the school group and say, does anyone know where my children are? That's a good point.

I think Lou might have words when she sees that. Yeah. So, and then basically what it turned out was, Lou had finished early and she'd come home, picked up our daughter and then drove her to pick up her other daughter from the play date. But the play date was at a place with no signal again. Right, right. Yeah. So that's what happened.

So I just sort of sat there for an hour and a half on my own, just thinking, what is life? Just me and the dog. What is life? Felt like the start of a cop drama. You know, just like a middle-aged bloke with his dog. And then you don't really know why until later on in the series. Yeah. And then there's a flashback to an awful thing.

How are you, though, Josh? You've had a busy week. It's been the first of the two 40-iffs. Yes. But before that, Rob. Yeah. Big news. Go that Rob Big news I've been made class rep

Have you? I have yes So talk me through the process This is for the reception of your eldest The process I wouldn't describe it as a huge political victory No Basically what happened We're in a WhatsApp group with the parents

Reception parents It's an active WhatsAppapp group with the parents of reception parents yep it's a it's an active whatsapp group it's a kind of thing where someone will put does anyone know a good odd job man and three people will have replied within half an hour you know that i do find that good when you move to new area or you don't know those little things in an area it's great for you know i've got a chiropractor off the back of the whatsapp group yeah exactly my back's so straight because of other parents exactly

who's doing this after school club bang bang bang all the you know it's an active WhatsApp group sure it's popping

yeah last Monday it's like punk in the 70s yeah exactly last Monday 10am one of the parents puts

the parent network which is the PTA basically right are looking for a class rep for reception class i wanted to know if anyone liked to volunteer okay did you ask what it involved they say uh it's basically just a voice for the group as a whole feeling about concerns issues the class have blah blah blah so the key the thing there the class has so now what i would say you have to decide whether something is a class response

if it's very brexit because you don't want to go oh the homework's too confusing if only five parents think that you're gonna have to break it to those five that you're not going back in two-footed no no no no no i'll go back and I'll give exact stats. I'll name names, Rob. Oh, you're one of those guys. You're one of them union leaders in the politicians' pockets. You're just giving them all the information so they can make the decision. Rather than you need to go to the United Front, Josh.

Have you learned nothing from Mick Lynch? So this message gets put on at two minutes to ten, right? First time in history the group is completely silent and it's an active one it's an active one so how long's gone what how long has this been up there i took the job rob yeah uh 8 49 p.m and had there been a flurry of that was the first message and response i think it's a good decision because if you go first, you're one and done. That's my thought. There's way less issues in reception than there are later on.

Exactly. That was my thought. Because it doesn't really matter as much. Receptions, they're just sort of getting them used to wearing clothes and going in. Exactly. So I'm now the class rep. No offence to all those reception teachers out there. Love your work. I am.

I'm the class rep now. Yeah. And I've already delivered a couple of bits of news to to the class so right so far i've only been passing news downwards rather than at back upwards if that makes sense yeah yeah that that are what i'd say from my experience it's a lot of forwarding on whatsapp messages about a fireworks display exactly that's what we've had so far yeah so i've um uh the new tote bags are available pass that on straight away sure yeah and the date of the uh date of the charity auction

as well that's been passed on yeah and when the charity is always the school isn't it you sort of think there's any actual charities we could send this money to i don't know i just just back into the school i i don't scratch that i don't scratch that completely i feel yeah it's something i've picked i was very much the the charities the school yeah i think there's a number of charities but one of them's clearly the front runner the school yeah so i've been doing that basically you don't want to start picking at that just you know not my role, Rob. Take it. I'm more... I'm a messenger. You're a voice for the voiceless. Exactly.

Exactly. And so I haven't had any complaints so far. Talk me through this, Josh. If there was a teacher pulled one of the other parents aside to talk about their kid and the parent disagreed and a scuffle broke out. Yeah. Nothing to do with me. It's not on WhatsApp.

No, no, no, no, no. Of course. Of course not. Of course not. Scuffle broke out. Okay. It's not of course not scuffle broke out okay it's rose physical scuffle broke like just a little push and a shove and it was all calmed down handbags as they'd call it handbags yeah yeah they still have to say that probably don't know they do they used to say on clutch bags and then that person got called into school to talk to the teacher and the head about it, would you be there as a representative of that parent?

No, I'm not a legal representative of the parent, Rob. I wouldn't be sat there next to them like counsel. I'd insist for the gossip. Do you know what I'd love more than anything, Josh, is to listen to other people's parents' evening of the kids in the class. Oh, I wouldn't. I find mine boring enough. No, but I'd pick the parents.' evening of the kids in the class. Oh, I wouldn't. I find mine boring enough. No, but I'd pick the parents.

I'd pick the kids. Maybe it's the reception, but I think as they go through it, there's always drama and gossip at school, and I'd love to hear it. Yeah, I think ours are fine. I'll be honest with you. I enjoyed parents' evening, but we got 20 minutes. We were stringing it out

fill our 20 good feedback good feedback to the school maybe well just as a class rep no because other people might want the 20 but we were like well that's up to you to decide that isn't it it's not up to me to decide well i think you should maybe put a little vote you can do a little poll on the whatsapp group no i i'm not going to put a poll on the whatsapp group so anything do you think josh should send to the whatsapp group about his, I'm not going to put a poll on the WhatsApp group. Is there anything you think Josh should send to the WhatsApp group about his class? I'm not going to do that, no.

I tell you the funniest thing about the parents even is we sit on tiny chairs because we're in the reception class. Is that just you or all the parents? Yeah, good one.

I think I told you that last time you made the same joke. I think I told you that last time you made the same joke. And to be honest, it's an open goal. We've become two old people.

Anyway. See, I do actually remember doing that joke before last time. Yeah, it was good. I look forward to the next parents' evening when we go through the same rigmarole. Are the chairs going to get bigger as I go up through the classes? Not for you. Hey!

What I'd say is though I think it's fine if we always make the same joke as long as we go oh we've done that again yeah yeah yeah but it's worrying

when we get to the point where we're like fucking absolute zinger there Rob well done yeah right in if we've told if we've told any stories

three times let us know no please don't don't because I can't oh god I can't bear that that'll get in my head that'll be that oh i can't deal with that kind of pressure josh yeah i've had a stressful week rob this

40 so it's been 40th week for rose it's gone off superbly without how are you feeling about turning 40 did it help having a distraction of roses for if because as we've discussed on this you're not i'd say taken to it like a duck to water I'm feeling fine about turning 40 I think I was just stressed generally I've had four

separate text messages about dates for your celebrations on four separate dates that doesn't sound like a man who's stressed about his 40th that sounds like a man

who's so chilled out he doesn't know when it is yeah exactly exactly do it in about half an hour if you want I'm so bloody relaxed about it

it's 40 it's just a number to me just a number so's the date what's that 1st of April 8th of April

who cares exactly so April baby I am so it went well did it yeah it went well it went very well

but I I think I stressed myself out in the build up Rob do you you think I think there was a lot of internal build-up, Rob. What do you think?

I think there was a lot of internalised pressure on myself for it to go well. That I then, maybe in my head, didn't deal with the best. You sent me some very panicked messages. Yeah. I just felt like... You tried to rearrange our meeting about five times. Yeah. And then said it was absolutely fine. Yeah. Eventually. Yeah it was absolutely fine. Yeah.

Eventually. Yeah, it was fine. You actually spent more time rearranging it than it would have taken to do the meeting. Exactly. So I needed to get a lot of things sorted. And I was worried about it all going wrong. And then I was projecting that maybe into just...

I was also working and doing lots of things so it was an incredibly stressful week yes you had a lot of work on so you're in a last leg meeting but also you're setting up a whatsapp group to get people to send you funny pictures of rose do you know what i mean that kind of thing right that kind of stuff yeah yeah doesn't actually now and now i've said it doesn't sound that stressful at all no yeah i wouldn't say i wouldn't yeah yeah that's a bad example 10 second job yeah okay well i've got other really stressful things happened what well you know i had to get okay so you're in your own house you're in your own house on zoom and you have to send a whatsapp message there's that yeah and what the other what are the other really big things? Getting decorations.

It's lots of decisions. Lots of decisions. Buying a big... And a cake. So did you... Getting a cake. So obviously you had to make the cake. No, I didn't.

Buying the ingredients. Making the cake. Oh, you did make the cake. No, no, no. So what happened with the cake? I had to buy a cake. I then had to bring the cake back from the last leg in a car. And the guy was already annoyed with me

because I was getting in the car late. And then I had to tell him, can you not go too fast over any speed bumps? Which went down like a sack of shit. Yeah, I can imagine trying to get a cake that someone's made for you into your chauffeur driven car is an absolute fucking stress. Oh, I'm sorry that you had a dog in your very expensive hotel room, Rob. It weren't, mate. It was in Solio. I wish it was expensive.

It would be. I'm not trying to claim that I would definitely have gone to a posh one. If it was my tour, I would have been in the posh one. A dog-friendly hotel in Solihull. Oh, yeah. That's where all the stars stay. Some cruise. I haven't got a dog, but I just love

the dog-friendly hotels in Solihull. They're normally the best hotels. Still was dog shit fucking everywhere out the front. Oh, God. It's not that friendly, is it? Jesus Christ. I think it's a bit too friendly. I think it could be a bit harsher.

Sorry. No, I'm only Josh. I'm only Josh. You're only Josh. But what the point... It was my own it felt very josh 2022 exactly what i'm saying though is josh right that all those things broken down when you've got a calm clear head aren't that big a deal but that doesn't matter if you are stressed

and you suffer with getting stressed and anxiety the problem with stress and anxiety is any little thing can become a big problem even if it actually isn't when you spell it out but that doesn't matter if you're in the wrong mental state there's a lot which happens to lots of people lists a lot of lists a lot of lists but got through it in the week and then it was worth it by the weekend we went for dinner on on rose's birthday obviously had the last leg which wasn't ideal um you went out on the first day for dinner then and you went to last leg for her what did she do on her actual birthday obviously had the last leg which wasn't ideal you went out on the first day for dinner then and you went to last leg

for her actual what did she do on her actual birthday then? well we had the morning so I only go to last leg at kind of midday so we had the morning oh that's nice in fact

our daughter stayed at home for an hour or two so she could enjoy the morning with us and then then I had to drive her to school late and realised that if you drive out to school after 10 a.m there's roads open in the hackney one-way system that aren't open before 10

a.m and it means i can get to school in half the time which was doubly galling doubly galling so now i know every morning that you could there's potential roads that are closed to me at rush hour. Why close them at rush hour? Surely that's when you fucking open them. There's more cars. Oh, finally, Josh. You're getting on the anti-London road bandwagon. Oh, God.

London is a fucking shithole. It's a cesspit of roads that are clogged up with traffic, bike lanes that are empty, and cameras filming everything you fucking do, Josh. All right, Clarkson, calm down. Oh, you lesbicock, fuck you. You've lost me now, Rob. You've lost me.

It was just the one road. Do you know what? I may have lost you, but I think I've won over a few as well. Yeah. Well, that's what makes it great about our partnership, Rob. Exactly. Stiff and loose necks as me,

happy to be sat in the traffic because I observe the rules i'm not happy no i'm not happy but i'm but you're willing i'm willing i'm not happy but i'm willing i'm willing but i'm coming out of it now the last leg ends this week and then i've got a lot more relaxed time for a good couple of months. That's good. Apart from the tour. Apart from the tour.

But it's not too intense. The tour will be fun. It's only a couple of gigs a week. Exactly, exactly. It's going to be very fun. It's going to be great. But it went well, though. It was a success and you enjoyed the party. Oh, we had dinner.

We had a lovely lunch on a boat. And then we went up and down the Regent's Canal and then we had a party in the evening and then we had a lovely morning actually on the actual birthday roll. I know it went well because I feel sad it's over. Oh, that's nice in a way,

isn't it? Yeah. But you've got yours to look forward to. I prefer other people's birthdays. Here we go. Back to the problem. Just can't enjoy life. Can't enjoy anything. No, it is a lot of pressure and stuff. Do you prefer your birthday or Lou's birthday?

Oh, absolutely Lou's. But I don't really do birthdays because I can't. It's the 2nd of January. It doesn't really happen. Oh, yeah. I don't really do anything. It just't because it's 2nd of January it doesn't really happen oh yeah I don't really do anything it just doesn't it doesn't really exist for me birthdays

but there's people that have been like oh my god the boy without a birthday what's that what a what a yeah we

but you never did anything and even my mum used to forget it was my birthday yeah oh my god we spoke about it she went out and bought me a whisk for my 14th didn't we yeah yeah we spoke about that well someone will say we spoke about that four times

exactly um i don't know anymore it was a soft peak for the show really nice thanks really nice we did that last time um it is weird heading into your 40s Rob it is an odd experience well I think I need to talk to you about your new smart clothes you've sent me some photos of your new smart clothes are we going to put that on Instagram yeah I wore it on our slag

oh did you oh yeah of course because I saw it yeah I was watching that again yes you sent me photos of it I think it's hard to be negative about your outfit, Josh. But you're going to try? No, but it's very smart. And I think...

Too smart. It's like geography teacher vibes. Oh, come on now. Come on now. And there's nothing wrong with it. It's a nice chinos, nice white shirt, nice dark jacket, nice sort of smart shoes. It's hard to complain about it, but you can't glow about it either.

What are you talking about? This is the new me, Rob. I know, but I think you're still too young for that outfit. Too young? Yeah. I'm 40. Yeah, that outfit. Too young? Yeah. I'm 40. Yeah, that's not that old, Josh. You're only just discovering who you are.

Yeah, this is me. I'm a geography teacher. I don't think it is. Rob. I don't think you're a geography teacher. I can be. This is me. I know, but I don't think you want to be.

I'm wearing different things. Sometimes I'm smart. Sometimes I'm just wearing a Spotify hoodie around the house. Yeah, I know. But do you think 40-year-old people should dress smarter then? Is that what you think? No, but I want to have that in my arsenal, Rob. Right, okay.

Well, I think it looks quite geography teacher. I like that. But it's smart. If you turned up at a christening. Yeah. I've never been to a christening. There is a man. Do you know what I mean?

That is a man there. There's just a man stood there. No, I just think you've got a bit more personality than that outfit suggests. Oh, come on. Because I think it's smart. I've got that much personality. But it's devoid of personality. It's just geography teacher

personality yeah i'd say and you're not josh what kind of personality should i what am i normally showing in my clothes just a bit like what you don't take yourself too serious you're quite relaxed and chilled out we're like that's very official it looks do you know what it looks like it looks like a geography teacher has been made head of department. Stop saying the word geography. I've just been made head of the parents' union or whatever it's called.

History teacher. You're a geography teacher, a very, you know what you are? You're a very good geography teacher. The kids love you. You're a great guy. You get on with all the staff.

You've been made head of the department, an assistant head principal, and you're panicking that you don't feel like you look like you have the authority to do that. Dress for the job you want. Just a bit smart. It's just a bit smart.

It's hard to be negative about it. I think you're struggling. You're very much trying. You've been going on for five minutes. Very negative. As your friend, Josh, I feel like that outfit does not do you justice. Oh, it does do me justice, I think. No, you've got to beg yourself.

You've got to beg yourself, Josh. What, by wearing a stripy T-shirt? No, it doesn't always have to be. The options aren't stripy T-shirt or geography. Why don't you just go to a shop and just pick up on the energy and see what you're drawn to. Pick up on the energy?

And just see what you're drawn to. No Rosa, no me, no kids from school. Oh, you're not coming. I'm telling you that for free. I'd love to get you dressed. Yeah, it would be my worst nightmare. I like to wear socks.

Dungarees immediately. But it is very smart, but I think it lacks a little bit of zip and you've got zip. Well, maybe I should wear a bandana with it. Sorry, zippy.

You've got zip. Very good. Very, maybe i should wear a bandana with it so zippy that's that's you've got very good very lovely maybe maybe a bandana i'm not gonna i dress smart all the time i'd just like to have it in my locker rob yeah you've got it and you've got it in your locker if i tell you if anyone's got any substitute teacher work in east london this guy can sling to your school after 10 in 10 minutes once them roads are opened um any any other news before we do a bit of correspondence no because i've just been in the in the absolute heat of the um of the 40th birthday so i haven't really had a huge amount of news apart from being made class rep all right to be fair though josh quite a few compliments came in saying josh looked very grown up and smart on the last leg in his new outfit oh really where did you get them

um that's that's from r hanson um no she didn't she what she didn't fucking watch the um no so yeah that's just a quite a few compliments so fair enough that's um it's always good to you know that the older demographic get in touch as well. It's not just a millennial mouthpiece. Quite a few faxes coming in saying... A few. My pager's been popping off. Boomers are in touch.

Now, lots... Oh, after we said... Oh, let's get all this cleared up. Lots of people sent us a video of a man who pours hot water from a kettle on his frozen window of his car and it shatters. Oh.

However, it is a side window, not the front windshield. So perhaps not treated and reinforced in the same way. But it did lead to this helpful tip, Josh, about frozen windscreens. Use hot slash warm water into a plastic shopping bag and hold it like you just bought some fish. Go and rub it on your windows. It doesn't refreeze and clears the screen instantly rather than running out of water for the other windows

and needing to go back in the house from JP. That's... So what? You walk outside... So you fill up a plastic bag... With hot water. Yeah. And then you walk through your house from the sink

with a bag of hot water. This has got disaster written all over it. And then you hold it around the neck as if you're transporting a goose and then you wipe the arse of the goose the bottom of the bag on so it's like a hot water bottle basically yes that's thin enough so that the heat gets through the bag and then it doesn't run out of water when you're in the windows it won't crack the screen it's a good shot well i'm glad to be told that in march so i look forward to trying that in nine months your bloody joke josh it was bloody snowing wasn't it it was bloody snowing last week yeah but it was i could have done with it right that is a good tip though i look forward

to that here we go you know i said sky wouldn't pause on bluey for weird reason apparently skybox not pulls in a skybox will stop active pause if your memory is full if you have lots of recorded programs it won't let you activate pause because it has no storage so that might be the issue Skybox will stop active pause if your memory is full. If you have lots of recorded programs, it won't let you activate pause because it has no storage. So that might be the issue. This is like information pause. I've got a question about this, Rob. Go on.

I've got a Sky question. Yeah. I think it's series linking things that we're not watching. Yes. AI have got... If you record something once, it will think you want that forever. And also stuff I've never linked. We do it if we record not watching. Yes. AI have got into... If you record something once, it'll think you want that forever. And also stuff I've never linked.

We did it once. At one point, it did BBC Breakfast. Who the fuck is taping that? I had The News. The News is on five times a day. Every time there was a news bulletin, The News got recorded.

Who's catching up on The News? That is the biggest box delete them all individually. That is the biggest box set of all time. What are you watching? The news. Remember the first episode of that? A child has been born in Bethlehem. That's when the news starts.

Can I just say, someone get in touch if there's a way of stopping your Skybox doing that. Yeah, the linkings. If anyone knows what that is, let us know. Right. Shall we have some correspondi? Yes. Here we go. Kids saying the wrong thing.

Just wanted to share my story of when my eldest was younger. My husband and I used to play innuendo bingo. And whenever our daughter would say something a bit tongue-in-cheek or a double entendre, we'd make a buzzer noise. That's quite fun. fun yeah that's good the best one was when she asked to watch the cum hungry caterpillar can't be true that can't be true lucy and in our gorgeous girls maisie and mia three and eight months off i'm doing some more yeah more children saying come a friend of mine has a three-year-old who can't say cucumber instead she says cum burger yeah that's good kevin armitage i'll have that a friend of mine not even his kid put him on a watch list emailing podcasts about children saying come not even got

kids absolute animal um hi guys absolutely love the podcast hearing different parenting experiences definitely helps with the mum guilt On the subject of kids saying things wrong My son has started copying me When I tell our dog to stop barking My go-to is Lady, enough My two-year-old then copies me by saying

Lady, muff Yeah, that makes sense I buy that, the cum-hungry caterpillar Enough, muff The fucking jizz-hungry caterpillar. Enough, Muff. Yeah. The fucking jizz-faced caterpillar. That's just wading through jizz with loads of little legs. There's jizz dripping off every little leg.

Oh, kids say the funniest things. Okay. Hey, guys. Love the poddyty talking to things kids say wrong my sister when she was younger called scrambled egg crumbly egg that seems more normal doesn't it yeah crumbly egg her elbow arm knee fret elbow arm knee that's good that works and pins and needles jiggling beans jiggling beans has continued in the household now and we And pins and needles, jiggling beans. Jiggling beans has continued in the household now, and we call pins and needles jiggling beans. Rosie.

Now, Rosie, I'd like to say thank you for sending that in, and that's great, but I should have done that before all the cum stuff. That's on me, editorially. Yeah. Because poor old Rosie's got this lovely little arm, crumbly egg, jiggly beans with pins in it. Fucking caterpillars coming in calm.

Right, I might move on. Let's move on from kids saying the wrong things. The funniest things. And Boomer. I'm not taking the piss out of her own feature. Oh, kids saying funny things. It's out of her own feature. Oh, good. Saying funny things. It's literally what we're doing. Here we go. Boomer. Do you want a Boomer story? Yeah, sorry. I just did

the biggest yawn I've ever done in my life. Oh, well, it's been a busy week. Okay, a little Boomer story. My dad, one of 17. Fucking hell. Fucking hell. Jesus Christ. It's a slaughter man. What's that?

He's been doing that job Since he left school At the age of 14 Fucking hell He should have started In his house This is less of a boomer story Is this an email From a Victorian?

Well he's 71 now And he's one of 17 children That shows you doesn't it? You come from one of 17 What do you want to do? I want to start killing things. How long? Surely there's a lot of twins and triplets and stuff going on

to get the numbers up there, aren't there? Well, Naomi Kearney, if you could let us know about the breakdown of those 17. Yeah, well, you know, she hasn't said, but we can get them to come in. This is a story of the way this man from 16 siblings that works in a slaughterhouse is parented. And I can't imagine it's going to be anything other than a boomer story. So he's 71 now. Every other Saturday morning from the ages of five to seven,

he would take me to his brother's butcher shop where a local farmer would bring in two or three cows to be killed in the private abattoir out of the back. Fucking horror. He would stab me in the corner of private abattoir out of the back. He would stab me in the corner of the abattoir. What? And tell me not to move whilst he killed the cows in my full view.

Oh my god. Fucking Nora. I feel bad if I have to do a podcast in front of my girls in case I swear. To be fair it would have been bad to nail that cum stuff. Yeah we should put a warning on that. Yeah. If you're riffing for five minutes about a come hungry caterpillar anyway so he would basically

kill the cows in my full view if i didn't cry i'll make a fuss about the lower noises i'll get sweets and a beano from the corner shop. Oh, my God. That is fucking awful. That actually feels like I should be passed on to the police. How I'm a stable adult now is beyond me. Love the poddy. Keep up the good service. Oh, my God.

Naomi, fucking hell. Well, well done, Naomi. Fucking hell. That is awful, isn't it? Yeah. Do you want another boomer story? One last boomer story to clear the palette. I have a bit of a boomer story.

Do you know what? I don't read these before, so I get my real reaction, but sometimes that can be quite bleak. Yeah. Be weird to go, I've got a great one about an abattoir. Here we go. I have a bit of a boomer story. I was at my year nine disco, which finished at 9.30pm.

My dad had forgotten I was at the disco and had gone for an early night assuming i was already in bed as the disco ended and everyone left i was still standing there the teachers began tidying up and still no dad in the end they called home no answer 20 minutes later still no answer finally the phone was answered and the situation explained. My dad had forgotten and was fast asleep. If that wasn't enough, he turned up at the school hall with his dressing gown and slippers. I can't imagine he's gone to bed.

He's fallen asleep on the sofa, surely. Yeah. I started this episode saying I didn't know where my children were but I think I'd know if they were at a school disco wouldn't you? Did you ever get left anywhere? Left anywhere? No No, not that I can

remember. I think you would remember that I remember walking home because I was at sick form in Exeter so I used to have to get the bus and then get picked up from the bus stop which was about three miles uphill. And because I didn't have a mobile phone, I remember getting like a couple of times getting an early bus

and just phoning home and leaving an answer phone message saying I'm on this bus in the hope that they'd get it. And they didn't get it. And then it would be about a two hour walk. Oh, that is brutal. Just up a hill on the moorland and every car that you heard coming you'd think this is it well that's the thing you just have to walk along a country lane it's so dangerous the countryside and cars go why is it 60 miles an hour i know it's mental it's so fast and you're just totally not on a pack There's no pavements. No. You just have to...

Have you ever had to jump in a bush? I've never had to jump in a bush. The thing you're meant to do when you're walking in a country lane... Towards the traffic. ...is walk towards the traffic, which is obviously counterintuitive. Oh, it's so petrified, though, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Yeah, I mean, this was in the day before fucking iPods. This was in the day before iPods. So you're just two hour walk in silence hoping you'd not run over. Two hour walk in silence. If you said to me now, Rob, you've got to walk for two hours on your own with no headphones. Or phone.

I don't know what I'd do. No, it just... It's... What was I thinking? Like, what kind of thoughts are going through my head for those two hours? What are you thinking about for two hours, Josh? No wonder I'm so stressed now.

I never have those two hours to relax in my own thoughts. Are your own thoughts relaxing? Yeah. And is the rest of the world coming in on your phone that makes it unrelaxing? Or were you going over about a million things? But you was quite a happy child, weren't you? Yeah.

Maybe that is the answer then, your own thoughts. Well, I think it is good to have time in your own head, isn't it? Oh, I tell you what, why don't you get the train down to Exeter, do that two-hour walk. Yeah. We should do that as a special one day. What, I'll do that walk? Will you do it together?

Okay, yeah. Mic'd up and just see what we end up talking about after two hours i mean i mean yeah more than happy to rob more than happy to slacking off comedians in about 50 tracy date or veil but the thing is at least what was that name bobby tracy bobby tracy b-o-v-e-y-t-R-A-C-E-Y. So Bovey Tracy, is that where you get dropped off? That's where the bus would drop us off. By the arch with no walls, just an arch.

Yeah, the arch in the middle of Bovey Tracy. How quick are you at Googling? Bovey Tracy to where you're going? Outside the spa. I don't know if the spa is still there. So Bovey Tracy's spa. Here we go. It's the spa. Yeah, but it's spa is still there so Bobby Tracy's spa here we go the spa yep it's still there boy

so you get dropped off there yep and then where you going oh god I love that spa fuck I'd love to go there now it's a little bit of a metropolis isn't it Bobby Tracy

there's it's got an Indian restaurant oh wow and there's a place called Morton Hampstead Morton Hampstead yeah

but he's going Bobby Tracy to Haytor Vale Haytor Vale. Haytor Vale. How do you spell that? H-A-Y-T-O-R. Yeah.

V-A-L-E. Yeah. Right, and you're walking that. Yeah. Uphill. It reckons it's an hour walk, mate. It's not. To be fair, hour 22 on the way back, it reckons.

And that is just on that road. That is petrifying, mate. Just all the way back, it reckons. And that is just on that road. That is petrifying, mate. Just all the way up. Did you ever stop in Yarner for a cup of tea at the Ullacombe Farm Cafe and Shop? No, I didn't stop in Yarner at the Ullacombe Farm Cafe and Shop. God, it's weird hearing you say those words that, like, I haven't thought about since I was a kid. Well, did your friend just start the old Brambley Wood B&B or anything like that? No, but you put hate or veil into Google and look at the fucking village I grew up in.

It is exactly as you'd imagine it looks. There is no pictures of houses. You know it's small. You've got a red phone box. Yeah, someone blew that up once. What? They exploded a bomb and then the police closed the road for fear it was the IRA. Of course it's not the fucking IRA.

There is no... Mate, I keep... There's no buildings. Yeah, here you go. Look, second row, the white cottages. Oh, the white cottages. Oh, is that where you stayed?

You lived? No, well, we didn't live in those, but that's the rock inn. I worked in the rock inn in the woodshed. Look, we've overrun. I'll tell you all about it in the next episode. We've got 10 minutes on Friday.

I'll tell you all about Hate or Veil. How's that sound? Okay, right. Let's do that. Let's do a small business shout out. Okay. Here we go. You'll love these stories, Rob.

I'm looking forward to the Hate or Veil special. Let me do a small business. Here we go. Hi, Rob and Josh. Love your podcast and can't wait to the hate or veil special. Let me do a small business. Here we go. Hi, Rob and Josh. Love your podcast and can't wait to see you live in Birmingham. We would love a small business shout out, please. We are a small business based in Leicestershire slash Northamptonshire who specialises in all event decor from kids' parties to weddings.

Oh, you could use these, Josh, for your birthday. We started the business two years ago doing balloon displays and we are forever trying to grow our business by keeping up to date with all the new party trends, such as party-favour gift walls, flower hoops, and personalised backdrops. And the business is Waltz Party Design on Instagram, Waltz Party Designs, or Waltz Party Designs on the internet, www.waltzpartydesigns.co.uk

there we go oh they look good uh some lovely balloon displays there josh yeah very nice i would love it if you could do a small business shout out to my cousin kitty she started baking bread at 14 after dropping out of school due to her mental health she's since set up her own bakery written a cookbook and recently started a business called Kitty's Kits, which is just add no water, no need bread mix. Her Instagram is kittytatebaker Tate is T-A-I-T

and each kit sold helps pay for a free kit which is given to schools, prisons, community groups and so on. The link is in her bio and you can order from all over the world plus you can get a free pair of baguette earrings with them. No one was expecting that. I've listened to your

podcast since I was pregnant and I've now got a five month year old called Alina. You did it. No, they wrote it in. Oh, banter. Bit of fun. Who I reckon I take to the park more than Josh takes his son as she'll only sleep on a walk. Oh oh that is brutal

thank you for this podcast I love it Rosanna she only sleeps on a walk I'll tell you where she needs to move to Bobby Tracy

hate or veil walk is it a pretty walk yeah it's lovely because well bits and bobs of it are yeah some of it is just you're on a road

you know when you're no it's on a road can you not just climb over and walk through the fields? Well, no. That would take longer. Is that against the Green Cross code? No, that's trespassing.

Trespassing? Yeah, but not really. You're only on a little bit of it. I think if you walk through the fields, you've then got to climb... It's quicker not to walk through the fields. Okay, okay. It's mainly pretty,

but some of it's just, you know those country lanes where it's just lane and big hedge, so you're literally in a kind of tube. Right, OK, fair enough. We'll have more of that next week. We'll talk more of that on Friday. All right, bye. Bye.