Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP23: Never open a taped up fridge...

Episode Date: March 28, 2023

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Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to Can you say Bob? Can you say Beckett? Can you say Josh? Can you say Widdicombe? Nice job. Nice job. Nice job. Hello, you divine pair of sexy and relatable slags. What a start.

Slags. What a start. Slags. This is our one-year-old daughter Wednesday. Wednesday West. Who will be two. Wednesday West. What a name. Jesus. Wednesday's from the Addams family.

It's the only Wednesday I know. Yeah. Isn't it the biggest thing on Netflix now, that Wednesday Addams show? I don't know what's big anymore. I just watch documentaries about people dying. What kind of people? Like serial killers.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah. How are you? You sound a bit sad, are you all right? I'm just tired. Tired? I've managed to take too much on again for a couple of weeks and I'm fucking livid at myself. Okay, well, it's happened now now so don't beat yourself up we all make mistakes no no no it's fine yeah but really should get a fucking handle on your schedule

I'm joking too right you're all right though you're just a bit tired oh just just just life too much socializing or too much work too much what do you know me too much going out candle burning both ends I've got candles, but that's to calm me down. When you came in, I said to Michael, Josh is either tired or he's on drugs. I'm not on drugs. No, I'm just fucking fucked. I'm just, yeah.

Shall we read some correspondence? Then we can all have a good time. He's had a bloke on beep. I'm just fucking fucked. Because he's a's a fuck okay all good um did we read out who that we got wednesday was there another bit to that email oh yeah sorry listening to people talk about children uh with less traditional names wednesday's great grandma 99 still going strong didn't believe we'd called her wednesday until she was four months old lots of people ask where we got the name from in in brackets, as she predates the Netflix show.

They were both fans of The Addams Family. It was really the only name we could agree on. Recently saw your work in progress show in Portsmouth and it was ruddy excellent. Oh, thank you very much. Can't wait to buy some tickets to Nottingham, which I've heard isn't selling as well as the others. Are you dying?

Oh, you do need to cough. What's happening here? I need to cough. I thought you were just slowly wilting away what a way to go keep up the excellent work and stay sexy and relatable sophie and westy from portland thank you thank you to everyone that's been coming to the work in progress shows yeah they've been a lot of fun yeah yeah they've been good and putting up with us changing bits and trying bits out because that's the point of the work in progress so they went for wednesday they

didn't want more tisha no, or Pugsley. Gomez? What about their daughter, Uncle Fester? Yeah. Or Lurch? Or Thing? Was Thing the hand? Thing, yeah. Lurch doesn't really get used for a tall person anymore, does it?

No, it doesn't, does it? When I was a kid, that was... Yeah. Fucking hell, here comes Lurch. Yeah, of course. But I think, I suppose, the fact that she said predates the netflix show shows that in her mind the adams family's kind of been forgotten i loved those two films

they were fucking brilliant whatever the first appearance was 1938 no i know they were a tv show but i mean when i was a kid the film starring angelica houston as morticia and um top level christina ritchie were fucking brilliant that's. Yeah, so she must be young then, the person who's wrote in, because written in? Written in, whatever. What is it? Wrote in, written in? The person who's written.

Written, yeah. Well, she must be young and not aware of the 91 film we're talking about. No, but she says we were both fans of The Addams Family, but it implies that a lot of people that ask them don't know. Time moves on, Rob. We've just got to deal with it. Yeah, I suppose the new Netflix thing is all about Wednesday, though, isn't it? It is.

It is. So that's the problem. Hump Day. Have you seen it? Wednesday's my Willie's favourite day as well. Your what? It's my least favourite day, Wednesday. That sounded genuinely like you said, Wednesday is my Willie's favourite day.

Oh, when we're... And I was like... My Willie's favourite day is Monday, I think. I know, I don't want to know what your Willie's favourite day is Monday I think I know I don't want to know what your willies favourite day is that wasn't what I was asking

sorry I don't want you to ever call it your willy because it's weird and I don't want to know if it has a favourite day

and even if it does have a favourite day I don't want to know when's your willies favourite day it hasn't got a favourite day

my bum hasn't got a favourite day it's got a worst day which is the end of the weekend when I've been eating badly oh really is that how it works but like Tuesday my bum holds clean as a whistle you, it's got a worst day, which is the end of the weekend when I've been eating badly. Oh really? Is that how it works?

But like, Tuesday my bum holds clean as a whistle, you could eat your dinner off it, Josh. I don't want to know, I don't want to eat my dinner off it. No, I'm just saying you could. Well, I don't know if I could actually. Well, it depends what you're having for dinner. Yeah. I think also it would drastically alter

our relationship to the point where the podcast would be over. Yeah, imagine going in for a meeting with Michael. Why don't you want to do it, lads? Well, Josh ate a vegetable lasagna off my bumhole. And now he won't look at me in the eye. What would you, if you had to eat, what would you have for dinner last night?

What did I have for dinner last night? Yeah. I had tofu. Oh. I know, what a life. I think that my bumhole might make that more tasty, to be honest. Finally, some seasoning. Finally.

A bit of flavour. Right, let's get on to the correspondence. We've given the shout out to Wednesday. Yeah. Interesting, though, that my issue with different names for children is that if you have more than one kid, you can't have a child called Wednesday and the other ones are called like Stephen and Patrick. Yeah, yeah. Which are the first two names of Morrissey.

Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah. What a boring thing for me to say. Oh, you've done worse. I have. Any other people called Stephen you want to bring up? Well, no, Stephen Patrick Morrison? Yeah, but don't try and rescue it now.

I think that's quite... Has that come from your... Is that a coincidence? Right, so you did QI. You've recorded QI. I don't know if it's gone on telly yet. Would you have said that on there as a quite interesting little fact? Oh, honestly, they're not interested

in interesting stuff like that. They're only interested in fucking fish, mate. Not fucking fish. Three separate questions on sea life. I've got nothing. I'm sat here. It was all about fish, was it? Yeah.

What's Tosvig about fish? I'm reading a book about Barcelona versus Real Madrid. That's the kind of thing I'm interested in. Not one tidbit about Pep Guardiola and Jose Mourinho's friendship before it all went wrong. Nothing about the dream team of Johanan croif in the early 90s barcelona does have a massive aquarium i'm sure it does could have brought that out and do you know what it's also got a fantastic sponsor but we're not gonna get that on spotify so yeah so i've i've always enjoyed qi but i'm play the role of the person that doesn't know anything about anything.

But it's annoying because I do know stuff about things. Yeah. But all the things I know about are things that don't come up. True. I enjoyed it when I did it, but I've always been put off by going on it because that's Alan's role really, isn't it?

The sort of, I don't know. So you've done a tread on his toes. But he knows way more because he's been on QI for 20 years. So he knows fucking loads about fish because my power with comedians is right yeah they get to a certain point where they don't really care about being funny anymore they want to be taken seriously because they're 40 now and they've got kids and their family like i'm only'm only two months away. Come on. Don't twist the fucking guy.

No, but you're good. You don't care about that. But there's a point in a comedian's life and career where it's not about being funny anymore. It's about being respected and making a difference. And that's where funny goes to die. Yeah.

Too right. And we see it a lot in a lot of comedians and you look at their eye and I just want to get them and grab them on the shoulders and go you will make no difference in this world you will say and write nothing that will change anything all you are is light-hearted fodder to take people's brains out of their brain and away from their world. You are nothing. And just see how they react to that. Yeah. Because that's what we are.

Yeah. Could you not just notice something about different types of cheese? Come on, mate. Come on. Couscous. Let's chat about that. It's thick, isn't it? Think about the compartments of your fridge.

What's the funniest one? Come on now. This is what we're here for. What about, you know, chip and pin, tap and go? Whatever it's called. Yeah, exactly. There's got to be an app you don't use that no one uses. Draw attention to that. Why don't we eat fudge anymore?

Exactly. Come on. Let's get some observations going. Let's distract. Let's just plow down and distract. Stop the voices going in people's heads you can't change anything don't make them louder

stop the voices here we go okay right do you want some correspondence yeah this is really us to let loose isn't it here we go

I love a good maze old person sayings from your kids oh yeah yeah yeah because that was my daughter saying I love a good mace i love a good puzzle here we go at her first birthday on being presented with a slice of cake my daughter said thank you have you got any clotted cream what on her first birthday that's

mental oh her first but no at her first birthday party oh she went to another girl's or boy's party yeah and asked for clotted cream there. This wasn't when she was one years of age. That would be quite impressive. What I've realised, Rob... Yeah, go on. ..from I Love A Good Maze and Have You Got Any Clotted Cream is these children talking as OAPs are me.

That's the kind of thing you'd say. They're all the kinds of things I'd actually say. We're laughing about how old they are, they're grandparents. Yeah. We should be three-year-olds talking like Josh. That's what this feature should be called. Let's see if this one works for you. This is from Roxy about her daughter Naya.

Yeah. She recently... Oh, this is the same girl that said about the clotted cream. Oh, yeah. Recently tapping someone's back when they sneezed and said, you okay, darling? Oh, I wouldn't say that.

I think they're just middle-class, these kids. Yeah, that's a very polite kid. I was in, you okay, darling? Oh, I wouldn't say that. I think they're just middle classes, kids. Yeah, that's a very polite kid. I was in Bromley, right? I went to the opticians, right, to get my eyes checked. Yeah. Because basically, my eyes don't change prescription.

I've got a funny shaped eye, I've got a rugby ball eye, and a round eye. Yeah, right. So that's why I need glasses. They're actually healthy, but because they don't match, it makes stuff out of focus.

I'm not judging you, Rob. I'm not judging you. No, no, no, no, no. If it's all right, if you've got bad eyes. No, no, no, no. Let me tell you. So I don't ever need new prescription. They've been the same for about 20 years of my life.

Yeah. So I always just ring up the people I get my glasses off with, mind break, and they'll say, please can you send me another pair with the same prescription? However, my prescription was so old, it was illegal for them to do that. What? Because my prescription was like three years out a day. They can't, as an optician, send you glasses because i suppose like if you're driving your car or whatever yeah i was like okay i understand that this is the legislation but my eyes won't change

so i had to go spec seven to spend 25 quid to be told my eyes are fine yeah fine again yeah also i've got a bit on my eye right this is that make you laugh where um basically years ago they sent me to like a and e and rushed me in there to get a scan of my eye because it looked like my eye was going to explode oh my god because the blood vessels had swollen but actually it's just calcium deposits because my teeth aren't fucking big enough calcium deposits the calcium kid absolutely bursting with calcium there's like calcium growths on my optic nerve that have been there forever it's like a birthmark she said right but that means every time i go for an eye test it turns into defcon free because i feel like someone's eyes about to explode oh my god and i always have to go no no no no and i explain it to him but the only problem is if my eye is about to explode no one will take me seriously

yeah the boy who cried eye exploding i'll be like it's the old calcium but it's not the boy who cried calcium the boy who cried calcium. The boy who cried calcium. So I went in there and got my... I can't remember. Why was I talking? Why are we talking about this, Rob? I don't know. I was about to ask you why you're talking about this.

I don't know. I don't know what this anecdote is for. I went to the opticians. Yeah, but we haven't been talking about the opticians. What were we talking about? What's happened to me? What? What?

Why am I talking about this? I don't know why. This is how people imagine the worst podcasts in the UK. I don't know why. Two men talking about this. There must have been a reason. What did you say to me before I started this? Is it about you okay darling? No. What else are we talking about?

That was it. This is worrying. And I just said I went to the opticians. Why have you said that? I don't know what I'm talking about. Why are you telling this anecdote? I don't understand it. I don't know why I'm telling you this. Is there an anecdote?

It must have been. So you went to the optician. You give me a potted history of your... I got distracted by a calcium eye. Yeah. So you've got a rugby ball-shaped eye and a normal one. Yeah. And you've had the same prescription for 20 years.

Yeah, and I have to... Your eyes are fine. Yeah. No? I think that was it. No, that can't be. But why have you brought that up? I know, there must be...

I don't know. Oh, my word. I don't know why I was talking. Anyway. I've got to get new glasses. Let's double down. Okay, come on, give it to me. Well, I can feel my prescriptions are not strong enough anymore.

I'm fully aware of it. Well, I'm actually in the market for laser eye surgery, but I don't know where to go and I'm scared. But I don't want to wear glasses anymore. Well, the good thing about that is, is it'll mean that you haven't got any of those awful anecdotes about going to the opticians. Yeah, if any fans of the podcast know

where I can get my eyes lasered, let me know and I'll never talk about opticians ever again. There must have been a fucking reason. Yeah, I'm thinking of going the other way. I'm thinking about going for more statement-y glasses. And I know you're going to be excited about that. I like it. No, I'm excited about that.

I like it. I think it's a good idea. Yeah. 100%. Okay. All right. Well, watch this space if you can see it. Yeah. about that i like it no i'm excited about that i like it i think it's a good idea yeah 100 okay all right well watch this space if you can see it yeah you know i think that's a good idea josh okay good that is i he's worrying though isn't it why that happened i wonder if any how many people have rewound the podcast to see the segue into the anecdote there is a funny story from it though when i got there she said have you got glaucoma or cataracts

right yeah and i was like um i haven't but my mum's had detached retinas and cataracts well i think glaucoma and i rung my dad and he was like no no my mum had my nan his mum had glaucoma my dad's just got cataracts and detached retinas and went um yeah but i do have dry eyes and they water a lot so basically they water a lot you've got dry eyes yeah and i went oh okay yeah because basically my eye is healthy but there's not enough lubrication on them because and then he said this out loud on speakerphone and the optician nearly pissed herself laughing or optometrist i don't know what she is stop making stories boring rob anyway she went um i thought that's what your dad had said no no he went yeah

so they're not lubricated enough they're dry but even though they're watering they're too dry he went it's because my brains don't tell them to get wet and the optician lost her mind and i hung up what is that right and she went yes that right apart from the brains bit it was worth it i'm really worried about that i'm gonna have to listen back to that try and work out what the fuck i was talking about first time you've ever listened back yeah i probably won't either to be honest do you want to hear a funny story i heard about a conversation with a medical professional go on so my friend told me this that he doesn't even need to be funny at this point just needs to be a story

i didn't even deliver an unfunny anecdote it It wasn't even an anecdote. So, you know when your child's... Oh, fuck! Yes! I remembered what I was telling you. So, I was in Bromley and I went to the opticians. I got sidetracked. What I saw in Bromley, and I was talking about kids. No.

Right? The whole thing was on your way to the opticians. You've got to be fucking kidding me. On my life, that's bad, isn't it? No. Outside the opticians, I saw a kid, and I still don't know why i'm telling you this but i remember what i was going to tell you so we're working on it there was a little boy i'd say about 18 months old in a buggy with a woolly hat on it a mill wall one and on the top of it it said no one likes us we don't care yeah

classic he's 18 months old is that Sorry. I thought that would be better. I'm playing the optician stuff. Oh, dear. Do you want to hear an anecdote about what someone said to my friend in hospital? Please, yeah, just get me out of my hole. Because it's parenting-based. Thanks. Yeah?

So you know when you have your kid and... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they come round and do the hearing test. Yes. So they're in the hospital and they're in for a couple of extra days for whatever reason. Baby's a couple of days old and the guy comes round to do the hearing test where they check the child's hearing. Yeah. Sorry, woman. And she goes, um.

I think we could sharpen all these stories up, you know. Why did it matter if it was a man or a woman? We're just so panicked by gender now. Why did it matter? As woke comedians. We've done one email. Go on. so panicked by gender now as woke comedians we've done one email so she says you know when you're not confident in anecdote anyway oh no confidence is low confidence is really low i feel like marcus rastron before the world cup i just can't get

it away i can't finish it oh god it's like playing with a golf ball. So she says... Playing with a golf ball, mate. It'd be easier to score with a golf ball, wouldn't it? It's a cricket phrase as well. I got confused. Fucking disastrous. Okay. We're in the hospital. We're in test.

This is a good anecdote. So the nurse comes around and she goes, Okay. We're at the hospital. We're in test. This is a good anecdote. So the nurse comes round and she goes, is there any history of hearing problems in the family? Yeah. And my friend, dad, he goes, yeah, I was born deaf in one ear. Right.

And she goes, do you know the reason for that? And he said, well, actually, what happened was I was originally a twin, but then my mum had a miscarriage. And so I lost the sister in the early stage of pregnancy. And my family thought that maybe the trauma of that is what led to me being deaf in one ear. Okay. And she looked up at him and went,

so should we put you down as not sure? That really got us out of a hole. That was lovely. Yeah, it's a good anecdote, that, isn't it? Do you know what that was? That was just bottom corner from the penalty spot, confidence is back. But do you know what that was? That was just bottom corner from the penalty spot, confidence is back. But do you know what the best thing...

Apparently, the parents in the next thing behind the curtain just burst out laughing. Listen to that whole thing. Well, I think it's those weird things that you and your family talk about, and then they get, like... When it gets said to a medical professional, you feel so stupid. Yeah, yeah. You've really opened up. You've not slept in two days.

You've laid your soul bare. So that's not sure then. Okay. Probably all my trauma. And also, whenever you talk about you're in trauma, if someone just really cuts it goes, probably the trauma. Yeah, so not sure then. Yeah, okay, not sure.

He don't know. The old trauma kid don't know. All that trauma. Oh, dear. Right, should we do some more emails? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go, what we got here. Please don't be about eyes.

Okay. There's a lot about... Oh, no. Rob, I've had a disaster. Oh, no, what's happened? My earphones have stopped working. This is fucking unbelievable. You've run out of charge. I can't hear you. I can't hear what's happened? My earphones have stopped working. This is fucking unbelievable. You've run out of charge.

I can't hear you. I can't hear what's going on. Oh no. This operation really needs to be smartened up. Hello? Is that good? Can you hear me? Hello?

Can you hear me? Oh no. Oh no. I can't even find the Zoom because I've hidden it. I can't hear if you're on your cuff. I don't know. I can't hear anything. Why is it not making sound?

Shit. So I can't hear you. To be fair, you did need to hear most of my anecdotes so far. I can see your lips moving. Yeah. Well, I don't know you. To be fair, you did need to hear most of my anecdotes so far. I can see your lips moving, but... Yeah, well, I don't know what to suggest. The problem is, my ear pads have lost charge. John. Fuck.

And this wire's broken. Right, have you got any other headphones? Hello? Oh, hello. I'll keep talking. Do you have any other headphones you could use? Yeah, I can hear you now because I've put you on the mic. What about your kids' headphones?

That'll be funny. Little pink ones. I haven't got them. They don't work, do they? I'll go and find them. I'll just put these on to charge for one minute because they charge in like two minutes as a fallback for when I...

Wait, that... I love watching you scurry out the room. I'm back. Right, cool. So what have you done? I've got an idea. So there'll be enough charge on one headphone, and then I'll just keep swapping between them

and charging the other one. Right. Okay, so how much charge have you got on that headphone? We'll see. Hello? Hello, yeah. Yeah, so how much charge have you got on that headphone? We'll see. Hello? Hello, yeah. Yeah, it's working. Yeah, so how much charge have you got?

I can't see because it's on my computer rather than on my... Oh, I can click here. No, you can't see on your computer. You can only see on your phone. Okay, well, when that dies... But the other headphone's charging, so there's one in there. And then you can put the other one in when it goes. When this dies, so I can just go between them.

Brilliant. That's a good idea. Yeah. Good problem solver, aren't you, Josh? I'm more of a problem creator. When you create as many problems as I do, you don't quite get a solver. Yeah. You're pretty good with hangovers, aren't you?

Yes, I'm an alcoholic. Yes, I... Both days. Right, here we go. Here we go. I've got a lot of the worst smells you've ever smelt. Oh, let's do the worst smells you've ever smelt. Okay.

I don't know if people like it, though. Here we go. This is a warning if you're eating or anything. Okay. Many years ago, we had a shed in the garden that had a small box freezer in it. This used to have all manner of stuff thrown in it when we ordered too much shopping. Take note, Josh.

Yeah. One day, we had a power cut that meant we lost all the stuff in the freezer as it had defrosted and the contents needed to be thrown away. We refroze it all and waited for the bin day, and I emptied everything apart from a frozen lump in the bottom, which would not come out. Oh, no. We decided the best course of action would be to turn it off, then empty it in the morning.

Oh, no. Now, because we didn't use it much, and we had kids to run around after, it became that I'll do that tomorrow job. Oh, no. Well, tomorrow didn't come for a couple of months. Whoa. So the freezer's been off for a couple of months? Yeah, so they turned it, basically, they emptied everything out,

and it was frozen again, but that was stuck to the bottom of the freezer. They turned the freezer off, and we're going a couple of months. Yeah, so they turned it... Basically, they've emptied everything out. Yeah. And it was frozen again, but that was stuck to the bottom of the freezer. They turned the freezer off, and we're going to get it tomorrow. Yeah. When it defrosted to flub it. Anyway, this went on for a couple of months. And I went to empty the freezer,

and what I thought was either some bread or chips, hard to distinguish because it was covered in loads of frost the last time we saw it, it turned out to be a chicken. Oh, no. Which had now putrefied. Oh, my God. Exploded. it was covered in loads of frost the last time we saw it it turned out to be a chicken oh no which had now putrefied oh my god exploded oh my god and was just slimy green juice in the freezer oh fucking nora despite tying two t-shirts around my face and trying to hold my breath i'll never forget that green brown smells it went smells. It went up my nostrils. Toby.

Brutal. Oh, my God. Tony, you poor boss. Toby. Toby, actually. Toby. Quite a fun name, Toby. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Jobes. Jobes. Okay, I'll do... Is there another smell one? Oh, there's a couple more smell ones. Here we go. We'll do one now. We'll do another one another time.

Okay. Oh, hello, you beauties. Hello, you beauties. I was temping for a cleaning company to get a bit of extra cash whilst travelling around Australia with my missus. One day, I was clearing a property that unknown to me

had been left unattended for quite some time. Bearing in mind, this was in the blazing heat of Australia. Yeah. In the top floor apartment, I noticed the fridge freezer was taped shut. Oh, my God. It looked heavy,

and I wondered if there was anything left inside. So I began to untape the door. I'd got all the tape off the door and opened the door to reveal the worst smell I think there has ever been. Imagine a deeply rotting animal carcass. Oh, my God. This was accompanied by the sound of a mixture of maggot sludge and juice plopping onto the floor, splashing up my shins. Oh, my God. I'm feeling sick. I quickly shut the door and tried to tape it back up oh my god before the boss came up the stairs i don't know why i tried to hide it as a smell was a huge giveaway let alone the

rancid debris on the floor and all up my legs oh after an extended coughing and gagging fit he said billy mate never opened up a taped fridge. That old saying. That is a classic. We thought it was best just to crack on as it was almost home time. We didn't want to have to come back to this horrible scenario in the morning. We had to carry it down three flights of stairs, rotting sludge juice and maggots seeping out of the now poorly taped up door.

Agitated by every bump on the way down, I was at the lower end. I got covered in the stuff and my boss had to stop to be sick nearly every two minutes. Oh my God.

We were both gagging and ours was stinging the whole way down. I had to go back and clean the property the following day and found out it had been left unattended

for over three months. Oh my God. Couldn't stop gagging for the rest of the week. Thanks for the laughs, Billy. Never. Billy, mate. Never open a tight fridge. Poor old Billy.

Oh my God. It's such an awful feature, this. I know. I hate it too. But I want more all the time. I hate it. I'm sort of addicted. Right. We've got one more and then it's over. Should we do it and then we never do it ever again? Yeah. And then people can know it's over.

Yeah, okay. Hi, guys. Hi. I've just listened to your most recent episode and had to get in touch with the worst smell ever. It's also one of my biggest parenting fails. This only happened the other day. We have one of those Tommy Tippy nappy bins,

other brands available, I'm sure. It's not the BBC, say what you want here. Yeah. They get pretty full of purely dirty nappies i removed the bag from the bin knotted it up and popped it at the top of the stairs with the intention of taking it downstairs slash outside with me in a couple of minutes when i left the house to do school pickup well i forgot didn't i which would be fine if it wasn't for our appropriately named dog maverick oh no who tore the nappy bin bag to shreds eating the contents of the nappies as he went not wanting to limit his fun to one room he drags the bin bag down

the stairs into the living room to finish his snack party in there when we got home the smell hit us as soon as we walked through the door my five--year-old immediately asked me why it smelled like a cow field. Poo nappies everywhere. It was easily the worst thing I'd ever smelled from Annabelle. Oh, my God. That is horrible. But then people go, we don't deserve dogs. Do you know what I think we do?

We don't deserve some dogs. Some dogs are deranged. Yeah, that's too much. What is the dog thinking? Yeah. Because it knows it's not food. Oh, my God. I supposeanged. Yeah. That's too much. What is the dog thinking? Yeah. Because it knows it's not food. Oh, my God. I suppose it was at one point, true.

Deep thinkers, dogs, actually. Oh, my God. Yeah. Do you want to do a story, or do you want me to do some more stories? Yeah, I'm struggling there, Rob. That was awful. You feel sick? Right, OK, let's go back to the old faithful.

I've got a boomer. Here we go. And we've got, we should say, the top three boomer stories ever. They're too hot for podcasts. So that's a section of the live show, isn't it? Yeah, we're doing that on the tour. The top three greatest boomers, exclusive to the live guys. Here we go.

But then I'm sure we'll end up doing it on here at some point as well, won't we? To share the love. Rob. Rob, you're not brilliant at the word exclusive. Yeah, of course we will. There's only so much content to go around. Yeah, but I don't want to feel like people are excluded from anything. The whole point of this is...

They're not, Rob. They're not, Rob. We've only got so much content. We'll do everything about three times. I bet there's people at home tallied gone, we fucking heard that story about the opticians before. It's worrying if I ever repeat that one. Did I ever tell you about that time

where I went to the opticians and they checked my eyes and then what happened? I got a prescription and went home yeah great little story there here we go boomer story my parents born in the 60s became parents to kids by the way are you still on the same ear earbud yes they charge so quickly the old airpods respect the charging okay here we go my parents born in the 60s became parents to three kids themselves in the late 80s, early 90s. Pretty much epitomised the boomer parenting stereotype, particularly my dad, Samsung Dave. Samsung Dave?

Yeah, he was called Dave and sold Samsung stuff. Brilliant. He had some classic boomer moments. One that really sticks with me is the time I lost my beloved cat, Ben. One day, Ben didn't come home. I took to the streets with hand-drawn posters of a black cat and, of course, the landline number, stuck them to lampposts and urged neighbours to check sheds, etc.

Three days later, we got some intel. A black cat had been spotted by a cyclist in a grass verge about half a mile away. In true boomer style, my dad pointed out this would be a good opportunity to blow the dust off my bike, burn a few calories off and go make sure it wasn't Ben. Yeah. As an optimistic

13 year old who obviously still believed the glass was half full, I donned my helmet and thought to myself well he must know it's not Ben and just wants me to get some exercise. When we got there of course it was Ben. Flat as a pancake, stiff as a board. Oh my, oh no, no, no, no. Slung into a bush like an abandoned banana skin.

What? The scene was horrifying. What? Thankfully I got a pat on the back from Samsung Dave, who proceeded to scoot Ben into a safe-face plastic bag, hooked it over my handlebars, then encouraged us to take the long way home as dead Ben slapped against my knee on every push. How is this

making it better after the smell ones? I was so traumatised by the cycle ride, I fled to my bedroom where I watched the funeral unfold from my window as I bawled my eyes out for my dead pet. The funeral! Still disgusts this day. My dad maintains it was character building and grief is a part of life.

So what Sarah's saying there is Samsung Dave knew the cat was dead on the side of the road. Yeah. And rather than go in to sort it himself and say, yes, he had died, he made his 13-year-old cycle there to see it for herself. Oh my God, that is brutal. That is why I'm with Apple.

That's why you can't go Android. For that kind of sick behaviour. For the Samsung Galaxy can fuck off if that's the way their employees behave. Unless they want us to say a little advert for them. Then they can sort of... I just think that thing where the phone folds out it's actually a very good feature if they've got the money for me to say that if anything samsung you can fuck off or fucking come on board here we go it's better to be pissing out

the tent than have them pissing in isn't it yeah yeah i don't know what that means but yeah that's a political tactic is it yeah so what do you do so if you've got someone yeah who's trouble like say boris johnson when theresa may was prime minister yeah he's trouble he's trouble she knows he's trouble but you put him in the cabinet and the theory is it's better to have him in the cabinet pissing out right than have him pissing in short of the cabinet or the tent of the cabinet yeah yeah okay cool that makes it's better to have him in the cabinet pissing out. Right. Than have him pissing in. Short. Of the tent. Or the tent.

Of the cabinet tent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. That makes it, it's about keep your friends close, enemies close. Yeah, it's like keep your enemies close. Yeah, yeah. But don't piss on them.

No, don't piss on them. Unless that's what you're into. Yeah, well, you know, each their own. If you are into pissing on each other, scatological stuff, and you want to advertise on here, more than welcome.

Exactly. We're very much an open door covered in piss pollards. We're an open door. Yeah. Right. I think this one might be a bit more upbeat than the last ones.

Okay. Hi, Rob and Josh. Following on from your pre-Christmas episode and getting your knob out in the kitchen, you remember this? Oh, yeah, yeah. When we said that and then Michael cut it out

of the Christmas episode. Yeah. It made me laugh out loud and brought back a memory for when I was cooking dinner and was getting our dinner out of the oven no no don't do it when i was not getting not getting the food out of the oven that is not the time to get the old fella out well she was getting the food out the oven and her husband decided to get his knob out and flash me what so she's getting the food out the oven and he goes look at that and it's

got his willy out yeah for some reason to this day I can't fathom why I popped my oven-gloved hands around his said knob Forgetting I'd just got a trowel out of the oven at 200 degrees Cue us from screaming in horror And calling me all the names under the sun Luckily he didn't have any burns, but funnily enough, he's never got his He's never got his knob out in the kitchen again.

Please keep me anonymous. It's the only way I learn. It's the only way I learn. It'll kill me. Love the podcast and the book. Keep doing what you're doing. It's Ace from Anon. Quite rightly, Anon. I would pay a lot of money to watch that man's face in the seconds before and after the oven

glove knob grab. That might be some people's kink. You might be. I wonder whether people like oven gloves in sex. They're quite kind of, I could see that. That's quite cosy, isn't it? It feels like you've been wanked off by a telly, Salvi, though. Yeah, well, you know, wouldn't say no.

Okay, let's try and keep this pure. Wouldn't say poe. It's been, oh, thank you, Josh. There we go. There we go. Lovely stuff. It's all been worth it. I wouldn't say Poe. It's a bit... Oh, thank you, Josh. There we go. There we go. Lovely stuff. It's all been worth it. I wouldn't say that.

I wouldn't say that. Poe means Poe. Okay, guys? Poe means Poe. If you're in the kitchen with the oven glove. Here we go. Things you made your parent go to. Oh, yeah.

Hello, just wanted to write in about things you dragged your parents to when you were young. So I went through a brief goth stage in my early teens and really wanted to see Korn live. Yeah, wouldn't consider them goth, but fair enough, yeah. They're quite heavy metal rock, aren't they? Yeah, yeah. New metal, I suppose Korn would have been, wouldn't they? What's Slipknot, is that? Yeah, that's new metal.

Same. My stepdad thought I was too young to go without any adults, so he said he'd come with me and my friends. Yeah. I'm not sure how well he knew Korn's music before agreeing to this, but I'll never forget the look on his face as they came on stage screaming and swearing with the heavy metal music. Love the podcast. Thanks a lot, Steph.

Imagine... I'd have enjoyed that. Korn, I don't think I could have. Well, now, it depends. If you're aware of what's going on, I'd go to a Korn gig out of, like, curiosity. Morbid curiosity, yeah. But if you didn't know about them at all...

Nah. If I was taking my daughter to see a band, I'd do some research. Yeah, but this guy's a bit of a maverick, isn't he? I'd go and see Korn with you. Have you seen the Woodstock documentary with Korn in it? The 99? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's a good documentary, that, isn't it?

Oh, God, I loved it so much. I mean, it's bleak as well. Yeah, let's keep it positive. It's Backstreet Boys, Manchester. The first two parts are quite funny, and then it gets really grim. Here we go. Hi, Rob and Joshua. I once took my dad to a Backstreet Boys concert in Manchester.

Me and my friend were 15 years old, and we had managed to get front row seats. Whoa! Exciting, isn't it? My dad, bless him, sat next to us eating his sandwiches while Backstreet's back, and all their other hits boomed around the MEN arena. He did get up and have a little sing-along eventually.

Thanks for all the laughs and giggles I've reeked. R&J. Janine, Kenya. Kenya? Kenya. It's exciting, isn't it? I want to go on a safari with the kids. Do you?

Yeah. Too young, I think. I saw a thing. Have you ever seen that program where it's like the best hotels in the world yeah and there was one

and I think it's in Kenya the giraffes heads come in through the windows while you're eating breakfast and they eat off the same tables

as you yes is that what you want that's what I want to do Rob that's my anecdote you want to go somewhere where a giraffe can put his head through the window and eat off your plate? Yeah, totally.

Yes, please. That looks good. I'd like that. Yeah. How quickly will that novelty wear off once they've eaten your fifth croissant? Well, I'd say I wouldn't book it for a six-month stay, but I'd say three days, you know. First morning, you're right by the window.

Second morning. My headphone's gone. My headphone's gone. The headphone's gone. I changed it to the other one. Changed it to the other one. My headphone's gone. Don't worry. Got back up. you know first morning you're right by the window second morning my headphones gone my headphones gone the headphones changed to the other one change it to the headphones gone don't worry got back up i'm back in the game oh that was good can't hear you can you hear me oh no hello you're back in the game i'm back perfect yep i've just read this one from katrina it really made me laugh josh yeah this is weird things you've accidentally ordered when exhausted from parenting or otherwise. Great.

I was once so tired and sleep deprived, I accidentally ordered a bathtub to my work office. What? Rather than my home. Oh, my God. What? Worst part is they wouldn't take it away. Can you imagine? You're sat at work going,

oh, my bathtub's getting delivered today. Yeah, my neighbour said she'd let me in with it. That's exciting. There's a parcel for you, Katrina, at the front desk. Pardon? I haven't ordered anything. It's your bath. Oh, my God.

They wouldn't take it away. That is brutal. Name and shame next time, Katrina. To be fair, though, you should have to pay for second delivery. Yeah, fine. But I think they should go, all go all right we get it you're in a pickle here you know we okay you're stressed you know what you need nice bath yeah let's sort this out get that reception put on some smooth grooves and relax right another one things you've you've ordered when exhausted i'm enjoying these yeah they're good here we go ages ago you did a feature about silly things you've ordered when exhausted i'm enjoying these yeah they're good

here we go ages ago you did a feature about silly things you've done when you're tired embarrassing things you've forgotten yeah in lockdown getting an online shop was a tall order my husband managed to get a morrison shop but we were also getting food for his elderly parents who are isolating they prefer sainsbury's so he managed last minute what he forgot to do was cancel the morrison's delivery to secure the delivery you had to spend 40 pound so you'd put Yeah. Yeah. The delivery man looks at us holding our newborn child with utter disgust. Catherine.

Oh, that is an expensive old bottle of whiskey, isn't it? 40 quid. 40 fucking beans. I'm going to order a bottle of whiskey for 40 quid for a week's time. Have you ever done that thing where you send a delivery to someone else's house? Bit of fun? No, never. Oh, that's fun.

Who have you done that to? Like a friend. Like, you know, someone will say something and you'll go, you know, I do it with Amazon as well. That's quite fun. So someone will say, tell you who I hate, whoever. Say, Richard Madeley. Nelson Mandela.

Tell you who I hate, Nelson Mandela. Why? And then you think, I'm going to order them five copies of Nelson Mandela's Long Walk to Freedom and send them to their house. Oh, no, I've not done that. I've been in Wetherspoons and sent a fried egg to random tables. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's fun. That is fun, isn't it?

Yeah. Do you want a quick one about finding sex toys? Yes, please. Hi, Rob and Josh. Listening to the latest episode, Rob mentioned children must have found their parents' sex toys i remember the time now my 15 year old cousin was about three or four years old his mum was selling and summer's products the parties at home with dildos and dressing up and lots of drinks yeah yeah i think we all know what that is don't we what kind of squares finding

out for the first time finally i know what and summer is up to exactly yeah she kept all of her kit in a suitcase in the wardrobe. Here we go. My cousin was having one of those nights where he refused to go to sleep. He was up about two hours after bedtime, then he suddenly stopped coming down to say he couldn't sleep. So we decided to go up and check on him. We found him in his mum's bed with various sex toys and lingerie

scattered around the room and cuddling a turned-on rampant rabbit vibrator fast asleep. Fast asleep? A lock was put in the suitcase after that. Oh, thank God. He was three or four then. I thought it was the 15-year-old, and I was like, fucking hell, that's mental.

No. Just cuddling a vibrator. No, he was three or four. Gee, I mean, I remember being a sort of horny teenager. I've never spooned a sort of horny teenager I never I've never spooned a vibrator have you no

that was when it was so I just thought it was toys three or four year old yeah oh Jesus yeah sweet though isn't it

in a way if you couldn't get your baby to sleep except by putting a vibrator vibrating into their cot for them to sleep with

would you do it? This sounds worse, but I'd insert it into a teddy. So they could hug the teddy, not the actual vibrator. I think that's okay because it's all new product, isn't it? I think that is really problematic if it's one that's still in its prime. These are demonstration. Did your mum ever have an Alzheimer's party, Rob? in its prime. These are demonstration. Did your mum ever have an Ann Summers party, Rob? Yes, no, she did actually.

She sold it, but we found the order book. So I knew whose mum had a vibrator. Your mum was selling Ann Summers? My mum sold all sorts. Avon lady, Ann Summers lady, Tupperware parties. I'm going to read this one, Josh. Hi, Rob and Josh. Please keep me anonymous to save my husband from divorcing me.

Oh, my word. For sharing this story. Here we go. I recently listened to an episode which reminded me of a funny story I had to share with you. I once went to the opticians and I got my eyes checked and got a prescription. Thanks for the podcast. Here we go. After 36 hours of labour with my first son, I had to be rushed to theatre as the baby was in distress

and I needed a ventouse before a possible C-section if the baby didn't arrive immediately. Quite stressful, that, after 36 hours of labour. In the meantime that followed, the decision to go to theatre, my husband was given scrubs and told to put them on in the en suite before following us to theatre. It wasn't until a few hours after my son was safely delivered that my husband told me he needed to go and get dressed. I asked him what he meant. It turns out that because he'd never worn scrubs before

or been in an operating theatre, he didn't realise you just put them over your clothes. He had stood near to me and countless of amazing professionals who helped deliver the baby in theatre, completely naked, but for scrubs, no boxers, no socks, nothing. None of us. Really strong.

It's a strong ending, isn't it? Love that. We love your emails. It was a shaky start, but absolute top-notch ending. Yeah. Yeah, please keep sending stuff in. I really enjoy the stuff you've ordered when you're tired. Yeah.

And it surprises you when you're turned up. That's great stuff. No more smells, though. No more smells. No more RB optician stories from me. No. Hopefully, if I get laser-eyed surgery, I'll never have to go to opticians ever again.

Hit me up if you want to do that. Burn my eyes. Josh. Is that the best way to get a laser eye surgery just get someone who email in who might you know probably not she's not gone google recommends or something probably like check some reviews yeah but i'm quite lazy with admin okay okay fine your choice yeah my choice no biggie if it goes wrong it's fine so do my eyes exactly exactly um josh i'll speak to you next time see you later thanks bye If it goes wrong, it's fine. It's only my eyes. Exactly. Exactly.

Josh, I'll speak to you next time. See you later. Thanks. Bye.