Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP25: The Low Performance Podcast

Episode Date: April 4, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with You say Rob Beckett. Hi, Becky. And Josh Whittacombe. Hi, Ecom. Yeah, that will do. That will do. That will do. The recording quality, it felt a bit like the Blair Witch Project to me. Well, Lou does this to me all the time.

She's on a dog walk on a windy day leaves me a three minute voice note and i'm like all i can hear is wind is all i can hear is wind who was um who was that josh saying that's when someone leaves a voice note that's over a minute i see you fucking kidding me just see it and you're like content i'd package that up yeah how the fuck can we get michael in to edit this down please 40 of this can come out can't it michael if i was a billionaire i'd forward all my whatsapps onto someone and they just give me like a like a briefing like a prime minister there's a really funny meme going around this comedian sent an embarrassing tweet yeah it's all kicking off there. Yeah. This is two and a half year old Leo

attempting your names. He's probs sick, sick of hearing them as I was late to the party. So parenting hell is playing every car journey. God, they win. I'll tell you about my car journey

playing list in a second, Rob. Thanks for all the lols. Love you both. From Lauren and Leo. Manchester. That'll do. I'd say a little bit of feedback try and be a bit more positive to your child i'd say wouldn't you that'll do leo you know that's the thing

leo's gonna be a young achiever because he's trying to please lauren at all points yes true whereas my daughter who i would say that's the best thing you've ever done and she's a spoiled brat wrong well yeah there is a middle ground isn't it but you know we'll find out proof to the pudding maybe i'm wrong yeah maybe i'm wrong um tell you what can i say something about podcasts so josh whether it's this one or another one but i i quite like do you know what there's something i'm proud for us me you and michael we always deliver tuesday and a friday you're getting it you know what's going on it very much frustrates me when there's certain shows where like it's just not on for a bit or they just come out at a random

point i like the fact that we are we're extenders we've had a couple of moments in the early form when it was locked down and all that where we were a bit scatty but tuesday friday we're there we're not fucking about we're in your we're not fucking about. We're in your box. We're in your phone. We're ready to go. And when you discover a new podcast and there's so many episodes, I get hard for that, Josh.

I get so hard for that. I like this podcast and there's loads of it. Feed me. And there's long journeys. Love it. So yes, good to have you on board, Leo's mum. Oh, I had a nightmare on radio too, Josh. I did a phone-a.

Oh, no. Celebs spotted in random places, airport edition, and the amount of countries, cities, and airports I mispronounced on the radio was awful. It was like... Los Angles? From Los Angles Airport? Yes.

Like that. Chicago. Someone in a Bucky O'Hare. Chicago. Chicago Airport. Anyway. Go on. How are you, Josh?

I'll tell you a few things. Firstly, off that Lauren thing. Yeah. I wasn't planning to start with this. This is what I do. You're free form. Free form. You can shape shift.

Yeah. Well, exactly. She listens to Parenting Hell on every car journey, Rob. Yes. Not your daughter. No, no, exactly. My daughter has control of the stereo. Well, literally.

She knows how to work it. No, not literally. I've got control of it. When I'm stopped, just to be clear, before anyone complains. Fuck it, Josh. Get off my fucking case, okay? Get off my case. So we have the radio on in the morning. Yeah. Fuck it Josh Get off my fucking case Okay Get off my case

So we have We have the radio on In the morning Yeah And occasionally She'll just pick out A song that she likes Okay

Yeah What radio station you got Six Music We got on Because we're Still pretending That we're happening You know

That poor kid That poor kid Listening to another Droll song Well no She's absolutely obsessed With early 90s rave Rob Okay Poor kid. That poor kid listening to another droll song. Well, no. She's absolutely obsessed with early 90s rave, Rob. Okay.

So any rave song that comes on, she should start dancing in a way that implies she's eat up. She knows the dancing. And she's not. She's not. Just to be very clear. She's not. It's the morning. She loves a come down. She's the morning She loves a come down

She's at her best On a come down actually Monday morning There might still be Some going around A bloodstream For the weekend But you know

So this is her favourite Song at the moment Play One Love By The Prodigy Edit On your phone Yeah okay I'll do that

I'm driving the moment I've listened to it I'm recording this Unchanging the song mate I don't give a shit One Love Prodigy This is my daughter's favourite song I like it

It's a bit like Sticky Sticky Stick Stick Is it like a rave song? Yeah well I wonder That's what I was thinking Because she loves Sticky Sticky Stick Stick I think Hey Dougie's

Got her into rave. I tell you what, he's like the entry drug. He is. Oh, sorry, the entry Doug. Oh, there we go. And she loves anything that sounds like that. To be fair, I listen to Talk Sport in the morning. Do you?

Yeah, my kids are really into Alan McCoy. Your kids love Alan McCoy? Yeah. I should apologise Rob also Oh what have you done I've got airpod issues Oh no Josh

The headphone situation is absolutely unacceptable It's got worse I'd say my mum who's nearly 70 Would have sorted out the headphone issue quicker than you have What's wrong with you What's happening Josh So the lead in my mic is is faulty so you can't put in a normal headphone jack in the mic in a normal head okay that i i fair enough because if you could you haven't bought more headphones and i'm angry but i'll let you off slightly go on also so i've got airpods yeah but

obviously i use them in my day-to-day and every time i come to record i forget that i've got to get my airpods because for the last four years i haven't had to get my airpods to record yes of course um and they're probably low in charge because you're using them for this and out and about right and i've been referring to them there as plural but i recently uh two days ago lost an airpod which is so you're currently listening you're currently recording this with one airpod in that's my last remaining airpod yes because in the past you've switched between ears to charge to yeah it's really low rent there steven bartlett wouldn't accept this i know exactly rob how steven bartlett's not going to get a celebrity to cry with one airpod in is he no he needs to look in control and calm at all times.

Well, if I got up at 5am like Jake Humphrey on the High Performance Podcast, Rob, he's not having problems with his airpods, is he, Jake Humphrey? He's getting up at 5am. Jake Humphrey's an interesting guy. You're referring to his LinkedIn post. I am referring to his LinkedIn post, yeah.

Well, yeah, because he does that podcast about high performance where he talks to successful people about what they do to perform at a high level. I feel like on this show, we talk to parents about how they parent and we discuss what we do. It's very much the low performance podcast. Yeah. But it's just like, I don't know. He just feels like he takes himself very seriously, Jake Humphrey.

He takes himself incredibly seriously. There's not a lot of slack in the fun of life with Jake Humphrey. It's all quite intense. It's not the high laugh podcast, is it? No. That's what I imagine. I've never listened to it. For me, it actually is, but in the wrong way.

Well, when anyone starts, when I get up at 4am, I think, fuck off. Well done, sorry Ard. Like, I just sort of, yeah, but you're going to bed early. The only people who should be up at 4am are parents in the first three months and my daughter coming back from a rave. Yeah, of course.

And milkman. Milkman, yeah. Person, people. Milk people. Breakfast radio DJs. Milk people sounds like a racist term for white people. Here they come. A couple of fucking milkers.

Fucking full of milkers around here. Full of the milkies. Hi, milky. Oh, I absolutely stink of dairy, this lot. When I came back from Korea, right, there's a big queue for passports and in heathrow they have a queue for british and eu and like american and australian passports then they have any other which is sort of like rest of the world and it was a woman walking there was a white woman walking

down the queue and she kept on saying to anyone that was brown what passport you got oh my god honestly it was insane what passport you got and it god honestly it was insane what passport you got and it was just like asian british woman like oh my god i've got british and then she went to rubbish what passport you got and he went oh i've got british like that i know i said you can't just ask all the brown people and then she panicked what passport you got I went don't do me don't do me because you're trying to crawl it back you know what you've done

oh that's funny alright this is quite funny actually it links in we at the school is doing a cultural day or heritage day where everyone

is allowed to wear their own clothes but you have to wear something that represents your heritage so obviously my kids as milky as it gets. Going as pearly king and queen. Absolute milkers, my kids.

And we didn't know what to do because like, you know, because they're English on my side and then lose English. Get them in a fucking Burberry baseball cap, Rob. Polo shirt. Stone Island jacket. Stone Island jacket. Can of beer and but

shame their heads Lou's mum's Welsh but uh Lou's grandad was Irish so we didn't really know what to put them in

so in the end we just got them a blue and white and a red bow so red like what they wore for Jubilee and then got

the three flags and pinned them onto their tops I pinned on the st george's cross and i was like i need to get another flag on here quick because at the moment it looks um it just looks like she's a little nf kid just st george's cross and then i put it on but what i didn't realize was i put the irish one on backwards it looked like she was from senegal and there is no Senegalese.

There's no Senegalese in my heritage, Josh. I don't know if you're aware of that. No, I absolutely know Senegalese. You've done the DNA journey, Rob. We're all aware of that. So it's quite funny. But the flags kept on coming off. So at 7.30am this morning, and because the clocks have changed,

it was technically 6.30am, I was trying to glue the flags onto this safety pin, pin and i just stuck and my fingers were stuck together and i just was like and but it was stuck together as if i was like an italian you know when italians try and tell the ref something they put their fingers together and i just was like this is too stressful in the morning um did i tell you that ellis uh told his next door neighbor, who was about six, she was going to one of those days where you dress as a coach or whatever at school. Yeah. And he said, as a joke, he said, I'll give you a thousand pounds

if you go in traditional Welsh dress. And then she turned up at his house with a picture of herself at school in traditional Welsh dress. I was like, a thousand pounds, please. Oh my God god that's amazing it's quite intense the traditional welsh dress yeah it's in it it's like a little red red dress of a red penny and a little bonnet she went like that he didn't give her the thousand pounds just saying um yeah anyway so yeah sorry i'll cut you off there what you were talking about um i was

gonna tell you a mufti day story yes okay let's do mufti how did we get onto Milk Milky oh getting up early 4am I can't remember oh yeah yeah fuck it who cares let's get Mufti this is what we're all

about on the low performance podcast we should start referring to ourselves as the low performance podcast every time it goes wrong

I live because he said I live by these oh we're going to start beef I've already started beef with Stephen Bartlett because I

said on another podcast I don't know why Yvonne Cryer's on his show and then he messaged me saying I promise I don't drug them then Jack Whitehall messaged me the other day

because I said that he I told him off for stealing the word melt now we've got Jake Humphrey on our case but no he said I start the day with these three

world world class what is it he said it was just quite intense it was very intense anyway I'm not going to start a beef with him because the last thing I need to do is get a message at 5am top world class what is it he said it was just quite intense it was very intense anyway so i'm not gonna i'm not gonna start a beef with him because the last thing i need to do is get a message at 5am welcome by an angry message from jake humphrey but the day after he took a picture

going early morning lovely day and the sun was up and people are going that's definitely not 5am mate no he got all his stuff done it was 7am he'd finished his day yeah yeah um so on the low performance podcast yes i uh this is some low performance for you go on so my daughter's first tooth was wobbly yeah we thought she'd had a tooth come out she hadn't she claimed yeah so anyway it was it she basically i was making dinner yeah my wife was putting her to bed and I suddenly heard my daughter screaming like she was being attacked okay

and I went upstairs and she basically knocked her tooth her wobbly tooth and it was at 90 degrees facing her oh inwards

and outwards outwards yeah and her mouth was full of blood oh yeah yeah this is at 8pm so we clean up Outwards, outwards, outwards. Outwards, yeah. Yeah. And her mouth was full of blood. Oh, yeah. Yeah. This is at 8pm.

So we clean up, but obviously she's totally freaked out by it. Is the tooth still just hanging? The tooth's just hanging and won't move. And we're like, do you want us to... She won't let us go near it. Yeah, of course. And it's not just us that won't go near it, Rob. It's she won't let her lip touch it.

So she's like... So she's spending... She's like this. She's holding her ass like that. Can you see her? Like that. Yeah. Holding the lip down.

Holding the lip out. Her bottom lip out. Was it the bottom tooth? Yeah, so it's that tooth there. The bottom row. She's like that. And she wouldn't let go. And she couldn't drink

because she couldn't get any suction. And she had spit falling out of her mouth. She was like that for two and a half hours before she passed out for sleep. Oh, she was laying there until ten o'clock holding it? Yeah. Oh no. Because she wouldn't let go.

Was it coming out slightly sooner than it should? No, she just didn't. Because it's her first tooth, she had no experience of it she was terrified it was awful right so eventually why am i laughing she she passes out right can i just squeeze stuff why am i laughing at your kid being terrorized i know it's so horrible isn't it why am i laughing tell you what stephen bartlett wouldn't be doing this he'd'd be getting the tears from me. That's what he'd be doing. How did that make you feel, Josh? Being powerless

as your child suffered? I'm not telling you, Stephen. I'm on it for a favour, all right? I've got a tour to shift. I don't need to talk about why. I'm sad. Pass me a fucking bottle of Huel and let's talk about my tour date.

Why am I sad? I've been up at 5am trying to seize the day, mate. I've seized it and I don't fucking seize the day, mate. I've seized it and I don't fucking like it. Alright? Can I give it back? So,

I got my lip, she's got her lip out like that until she passes out. Cool. She wakes up, first thing she does, grabs her lip, the tooth's still there.

She's like, oh, by the way, in the evening, we're like, it's just totally natural. Yeah. And she's like, so normally, when there's

something wrong with her you can google it or whatever she's like can you google um tooth coming out weird and i'm like that's not gonna she is your daughter isn't she and you're like that's not gonna help and then she's like i need to go to a doctor or a dentist you're like you don't fucking need to go to an emergency dentist for your tooth coming out but she doesn't know it's impossible to explain of course in the morning then she's like i can't go to school i'm like you've got to go to school mate we can't be the parents that had you off school because you've got a wobbly tooth also as well it's hard to explain yeah don't worry they all fall out and new ones grow pardon yeah yeah Yeah. What, Dad?

Well, the new one's there. Already? This is how advanced it is. The new one's behind it. So you can see that one already? Yeah. God, your daughter's teeth do not want to go, do they? No. It's her first one.

I'll send you a picture now of it holding on. Oh, no, she's only in reception, so I keep thinking she's the same age as my eldest. She's two years younger, isn't she? I was going to say, yeah. So this is it still holding on at one point. Oh God. So it was still holding on all night?

This is a day or two later. This is what it was still at when it's still in there. Oh, you need to ping that out, don't you? Yeah, but she wouldn't let anyone near it. So you've got the real ones behind it?

Yeah. Fucking hell, she's doubled up. She's like standing Ramon Lee in there. She's like a great white. Yeah. Bloody, yeah. But you basically, that needs, I think a lot of kids play with them and they fall out,

but she's not going near it. She's not, because your lip would rub against it, but she's holding her lip down a lot. Yeah, exactly. So she's like, I can't go into school. You're like, you've got to go into school, mate. You've got to go into school. Because you can't be off school with a wobbly tooth.

I'm sorry. She's holding her lip down all day. Yeah, exactly. Also, we know that once she go into school because you can't be off school with a wobbly tooth. I'm sorry. I'm so beholden I lip down all day. Yeah, exactly. Also, we know that once she gets into school, that's the distraction needed. Yeah, and I reckon a windy day, that'll blow off. Exactly, exactly. I've never seen a tooth so off but still on.

I know, it's mad. We have to wrestle her into a school uniform. Yep. And then get her in. I'm going to the last leg. It's the last episode of the last leg series. So I've got to get my stuff together. I'm going straight.

I go to the gym and then I go to the last leg. So it's like get her out, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Get to the school. Make conversation with one of my friends who's one of the mums. Don't notice something about her children that will come up later. Get her inside. tell them there's this

two situation already as soon as she's seen her friend you can see she's more relaxed yeah okay i think all is solved that's good perfect drop her off uh on the way to the last leg get a text from rose oh my god they've just put a picture on the school instagram account it's a it's red nose day everyone was meant to go wearing red oh no oh no oh yeah she's got red tooth bleeding but the whole drama obviously you know like at the end of the usual suspects when uh all those kind of things fall into place yeah of, my friend's children were all wearing red. I saw that with my own eyes. But I didn't put anything, I didn't put two and two together.

You must have known it was Red Nose Day. You'd do a topical chat show. Yeah, but we can't mention it. Red Nose Day, they're our big rivals, aren't they? Obviously, we're on at the same time. What, the charity? Every penny given to Red Nose Day, Rob, is food out of my own daughter's mouth.

Remember that. She's not eating anyway. She's not. She'd be quite glad of it. Oh, so you, oh God, so she's got no... I'm about to get unrelatable, Rob. I'm about to get unrelatable here. Oh, love it.

Go on, what did you do? Do some sort of big time showbiz shit? Did you ring Lenny Henry? No. Have you got Lenny Henry's number? I haven't got Lenny Henry's number. I mean, I don't know if I have. No.

So what did you do? So Rose is at home with our son, so she can't drop it. It's just, it's going to be his nap time. She can't drop stuff in. Yeah, sure it's going to be his nap time. She can't drop stuff in. Yeah, sure. I phone our agent. No.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. Could you organise me a courier bike, please? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So you get a courier to pick something up from your house. Get a courier to pick up a red dress.

A red dress. And some red shoes. And drop it off at the school. And drop it off at the school. Does that make me a great parent or does it make me a wanker? Or does it make me both? I don't know. Do you know what?

It's the kind of thing they do on the High Performance Podcast, Rob. Every minute of your day counts. You've got to prioritise. Well, I don't know't know actually because i would ring for example if that was my situation i'd ring maybe lose mom who lives around the corner and say yeah i'm at work lose trapped with the baby indoors can you go around and either sit with the baby or can you do you mind going around picking up the dress and dropping it off at the school because yes and she'd probably go yeah and i wouldn't think anything of it however you haven't

got that luxury of family and friends so nearby so no you could just you've solved that problem there is an argument i could have organized my own courier however i know yeah but i've got an account and they can just bill me for it i think that was the right thing to do because you they they use couriers all the time. So it's a lot easier for them. If you just ring that, they can get it done straight away and then they'll just charge you

and take it off your money that month. So I think, yeah. I think that was a good problem. I went into the last leg and I said I'd done that and a lot of people were like, took the piss out of me for being out of touch. One of whom had also forgotten Red Nose Day and not remedied the

situation and tried to take the moral high ground i would argue you've always because you've made them feel bad that's what happened there because you've remedied the situation how was it was it expensive performance oh i don't know until the end of the month when it turns up on my bill well yeah i yeah, I don't, I, that is definitely slightly out of touch. However, if that is an option available to you to keep me from unhappy, I would say if you do did that every day because you always forgot lunch,

but I think as a one off and especially with a child that's already upset with her tooth falling out, I think you've been a good dad there because you've used your resources to remedy a situation that's your fault and I think fair play to you I think anyone who's got a problem with that is a hater

but yeah it'll be quite interesting my opinion may change when I find out how much it costs how much so might mine hiya anyway so that was a controversial thing I did I don't yeah it's not too bad yeah but

like I say if you are living somewhere you don't have as much help around you and obviously it was a one off situation I don't think that's too bad no no she'll appreciate that your daughter yeah well that's the thing can you put a price on childhood trauma and you should plan the price of a courier

because i think i think i've fucked up my youngest daughter around birthday parties because remember that birthday party that went wrong and i had to carry them out screaming with no shoes on yeah this is in lockdown one of the highlights of my day and basically what happened was my daughter my youngest has been really stressed i think it was after lockdown and there was about 100 people in this party and i think they were a bit overwhelmed by people and they weren't used to it and i don't think it was after lockdown and there was about 100 people in this party. And I think they were a bit overwhelmed by people and they weren't used to it. And I don't think I was giving them enough credit that we'd been locked up for three, four months. And then all of a sudden they're a party of 100 people.

And basically what happened was my youngest was kicking off and then I was taking her out of the situation. And then they were doing a big photo for the birthday. I went, she went, I want to be in it. I want to be in it. And I let her go and she run right in front of everyone. And she was all upset and it was quite funny. She just stood in front of the cake and the birthday girl crying and a hundred people laughed at her.

And then she ran away distraught. And now whenever there's a photo for a birthday party, she gets all upset and stressed and goes, the photo's happening. Because she basically associates a photo at a birthday party with what probably will go down as one of the most awful moments of her life so far. Yes. So I don't know how to change that.

No, but that's not intentional, and these things happen. No, I know they do, but then is there a child psychologist listening to genuinely, is there anything that I can do to remedy that, or is that just something that's going to happen now, or am I overthinking it? Or will she grow out of it? Because I'm sure there's lots of people that have got kids where something happened that upset them

that keeps reoccurring when they're triggered by it. So I know that she gets a bit stressed and she probably doesn't even know she's doing it, but subconsciously is being triggered by that photograph at a birthday party. But if there's a child psychologist listening that sort of understands that and a way to help them with that please let us know because i'm sure there's lots of parents um listening that have got similar situations um josh i think we're high performing now this feels like some high performance rob i had a problem with high performance, Rob, with some high performing I did.

Went to a 40th. Went to a 40th. How's 40 going, by the way? I'm not 40. Yeah, I know, but the approach... God, okay, I'll take that as not well. No, it's fine, actually. I'm looking forward to it. Looking forward to it, man.

I know you're not 40 yet. I was saying, how's it going with the approach? I think you're not 40 yet I was saying how's it going with the approach I think you might have answered I don't even think about it I'm not 40 yet yeah

it's actually six days I don't know why would you ask me yeah so why are you I'm not I'm 39 still yeah exactly yeah okay

went to a 40th yeah I was driving and also I'm not really drinking well I'm drinking a few weeks now and loving not being hungover i had five becks blues oh is that your non-alcoholic go-to

because i'm so but it's all they had right i'd suggest an erdinger yeah that's a good one i tell you why i'm never having this again not that i I'm blaming the brand, but I was thinking, I woke up, Rob. Yep. With a hangover. No. I've never been so livid in my life. So how do you do? How weak am I?

How pathetic am I as a human being? Do you want me to answer? No, you don't. That was rhetorical. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, yeah. You're not Stephen Bartlett. But. How weak do you think you are?

Do you want to cry about being weak? I had a headache. I had a headache. You had a headache, yeah. I felt exhausted and, you know, like fuzzy. Yeah. And I was really irritable towards Rose. All the classic signs that I was hungover.

And I was like, I haven't got any of the benefit, and I'm fucking hungover on a Sunday. I'd have a nap. I had a nap at lunchtime when my son went down. I had a nap because I was so hungover. What time did you get in? Quarter to 12. Right, okay, so not super late.

Was this when the clocks went forward as well? Yeah. See, yeah. I had a good six or seven hours sleep. Right, okay. So it went up. Was you talking to lots of people? Was it a hubbub-y kind of party?

I wasn't doing loads of talking. It was quite loud. God, I am 40. But I'm just saying, I think sometimes the hangover is the sort of social battery gets depleted and it makes you feel tired and stuff. And it must be dehydrating though. That Beck's blue still, is it?

Cause you're not drinking water. So a lot, the problem with the hangover, it's not always the alcohol it's being dehydrated. So beer, for example, makes me very dehydrated and feel all groggy. And like my sinuses could come up and stuff.

Whereas if I had just like neat alcohol, I wouldn't, I sort of feel hung over a bit, but not as, I think sometimes it's all the sugar. That's why you just drink vodka, isn't it? Just straight vodka.

Well, I do like a bit of tequila just with ice. You're right. If it's a fancy tequila. Bloody hell. I do. Yeah. Have you tried that?

Do you know Brad Pitt? Fucking hell. But I think. Just a mezcal for Rob, please. Just aie clean just on its own uh hold the rocks no but i think maybe it's to sugar and they're being dehydrated because you're drinking like with it yeah so don't even drink i'm not even drinking non-alcoholic beer now rob there's nothing left for me my life is so dry no pun intended that they do not alcoholic gin yeah but why bother just fucking out just just have a fizzy water if you want a gin have a gin don't have a non-alcoholic

gin come on have a word with yourself why don't you try what so what do you normally drink if you are drinking is it beer you normally have yeah it. It's fine. I like a fizzy water, bit of lime. Fine. Job done. What about lime soda? Vodka lime soda? That's without the vodka. No, but with the vodka, just have a couple.

And then that'll make you feel a bit... I can't have a couple, Rob. Have you met me? This is the problem, Rob. It's taken me 39 years to realise. I've never had anyone have five Bits Blue. I can't just have a couple. Okay.

I like it too much. That's why I'm stopping. You've met me. Yeah. Have a couple of vodkas. What's the fucking point? Tell me what you would have done at that party normally then. Well, I was driving.

Yeah. Say if you weren't driving. Five pints. five pints and that's not too much though no i know but i knew i had to get up yeah i wouldn't well i yeah i don't know i don't know say you're say you had um the kids were like mother-in-laws you weren't picking them up till six in the evening yeah Yeah. Straight through till 6pm. What's up? I don't know. You wouldn't drink all night though, would you?

No, I drink till three. Yeah, that is a lot. So you just plough, yeah. That's bad. That is bad. The speed I drink when I drink as well, Rob. You do drink really quick. You gulp it down.

Because I remember when you went and seen me and Romesh in Birmingham, you drank so much so quickly. It was battered. Yeah, all right, all right. Let's not... This is now the opposite of the High Performance Podcast. Who are you, Stephen Bartlett? How much heel are you glugging back?

How many heels are you knocking back? So full of heel. Heel's actually quite good, to be honest. It's been used a bit. Yeah, I really do like it, yeah. Josh, I've got a couple of things to go through with you is there anything else

on your hit list just that I had my daughter's friend round it was our first ever play date where the parents went oh and they just left the kid

yep yeah easiest day of my life oh I know I'm a big fan of that and then you can just I can't believe how easy it was you can just go on your phone

and then they play and you don't even have to it was. You can just go on your phone and then they play and you don't even have to talk to the parent. Yeah, I did some tasks. I then made a cup of tea and read a book about Raoul Moat. I mean, if you asked me to guess what you did, cup of tea, absolutely. The Raoul Moat book, I would never have got there. No, it's a curveball.

I would have gone through about a thousand indie Britpop autobiographies before Raoul Moat. I'm interested in that. What's the takeaway of Raoul Moat? Fried chicken? I'd highly recommend it to anyone that wants to read it. I'd say there's no one listening that has recently been going, I really fancy a good old Raoul Moat book but I've just not not been recommended I bet there are

people are fascinated by crime yes they are fascinated by crime but it's just quite a niche crime it's a very well it's a it's a I had to come heavily recommended it was recommended to me

by Matt Ford and then it was recommended by another friend as well right okay so I was like it is it's a very interesting book yeah

if you're interested in that kind of thing right okay cool yeah so what was the play date like good It is. It's a very interesting book. Yeah. If you're interested in that kind of thing. Right, okay. Cool. Yeah, so what was the play date like? Good. Yes. It was great. Because I just sat there and read a book about Raul Mo.

Well, that's what's good about my daughters. And I'm very lucky that they do play like that. Yes, they play together. Honestly, like if on a Saturday or Sunday, if they're knackered and we're knackered, we will just say we're staying in today. And they'll have a little bit of iPad time. They'll play games together. We'll do stuff together.

And they do play quite well. Trying to play a game, though, that's competitive is fucking awful. Because they just play this game at the moment. We have to guess the animal. But my youngest can't read. She can read bits and bobs but she can't read like all the clues and how it works and then my older one can and then like i have to play but then i have to sort of get it's like i want they just want to win so bad and then really

they do taunt each other oh god the biggest thing is like oh my ipad's got charged and her one hasn't i'm like oh my god but yeah it is good when they play so i'm glad that the old play dates are working for you josh yeah do you know what on this yeah the playing thing right yeah my daughter i am lucky you know when you're like there are some things i'm lucky about i went to my friend's house they've got two sons yeah that love to play. They're constantly having to play games with them. Yeah. My daughter, the art thing is a fucking incredible.

She just loves painting and drawing. She just loves painting and drawing. And you're like, there's a little bit of mess on the table. I went to my friend's house. They're fucking, you know, they're building tents and they're fucking, you know, driving. If you say they're fucking, you really need something else to say. Oh, sorry, sorry.

They're building tents, they're fucking. They're fucking. Pardon? Yeah, actually, I should have had an issue with that. Looking back, that's bad. That's bad parenting. That's bad parenting. That is.

If your kids are fucking each other, that's bad parenting, guys. That's low performance. That's bad parenting. That is. If your kids are fucking each other, that's bad parenting, guys. That's low performance. That is low performance. That is low performance. But they're, like, constantly having to come up with games. They're constantly having to pretend to be a monster. They're constantly having to, you know, get the magnetiles out. And you're like, fuck, I am so, like, my daughter she'll go could you show me a youtube

video of how to draw a horse and play it and then i'll follow it and you're like and i'm stood there just having a cup of tea watching her draw a horse obviously flicking through the round notebook as well obviously flicking through the round. Leave that on the side. Genuinely, Rob, when I went to this party, I had my five becks blue and we left. And I said to Rose, the great thing about being sober is I'm really looking forward to getting home and reading my book around Realm Oak.

God, stop saying Realm Oak. Sorry, but it's an interesting book. Oh, my God. Yeah, well, I'm glad that worked out well for you, Joshua. Yeah, so I'm on a positive mindset with that. You're flying. No, it's not the part of the podcast. Not what we're here for on the Low Porns Pod.

If you're feeling a bit too positive, I can bring up a couple of things. Give me some low perf, please. You know your favourite park? A police horse was savaged in there by a dog have you seen that what victoria park yeah there was a a dog eat trying to eat a horse the horse survived luckily but it's quite horrific for that yeah yeah um also the other dog yeah but dog you've got hard feet mate right well don't victim blame all right sorry yeah good point good point good point sick of all

these bloody victim blaming the horses and dogs um but so you're we've put up on instagram a couple of things oh no here we go no no you're feeling a bit too positive um no about one was your um your positioning your body language when you were interviewing rose for the podcast yeah and someone pointed out that i've got a weird foot and it is really weird. Yes, you have got a strange foot actually. It's sort of, there's lots of different angles in there. What's going on with it?

It looks a bit like a knee. Yeah. And also, a lot of comments about your outfit. You know, you're turning 40 so you wanted to dress smarter.

I'm not going to listen to them. No, no, no. I'm not saying you should, but I'm just saying. There was a lot of, there was some positive. I was about to say a lot. No, no,

I think there has been, Josh, don't be so defensive. There has been a. I was about to say a lot. No, no. I think there has been. Josh, don't be so defensive. There has been a lot of positive comments. But what I wanted to bring up is like how many comments. You know, we sort of get like around 100 comments and sometimes less on posts. But you've had 15,000 likes and 800 comments. Yes. What's going on there then?

And there's loads of them. And a lot of people do like the look, Josh, to be fair. And the only thing I'd say, the common theme is you look lovely and smart, Josh. The only sort of negative is, like I said, you can't have much to complain about it. 810 comments. But there's not much sort of personality in there.

And it looks a bit like you're going to sort of like sixth form or school. It's sort of like, you're not, I don't feel like'm getting the josh widdicombe no personality you're you're you've added that yourself right okay well someone did which someone said it looks like you'd get you'd get robbed if you wore that outfit that that's unfair that's that's victim blaming someone said mormon someone said mormon right that's that's just because i'm wearing a jacket i don't look anything like a Mormon. I'm not wearing a Mormon suit.

Someone trying out his new uniform for his grandparents. What does that even mean? I think that you look quite childlike. Are you not comfortable? Well, the problem is I do look young. Yes. But are you on the Parenting Hell Instagram account? Yeah.

Someone said, why invite criticism? Which is quite leading. Yeah, too right. It kicked off on the Instagram account again, Rob. What about? It kicked off because... I don't really read the comments unless they're funny ones. Thanks, mate.

A picture up of me and Rose. Yeah. And quite a few people commented that I was punching. And then someone said, I think all these comments that it's punching, you're actually being quite mean to a man that you don't know. Yeah, I mean, but I would agree with them. Wouldn't you?

This is unbelievable. Well, so do you think Rose is punching? No, no. Is that what you're suggesting? No, I'm not saying that at all. Are you saying that Rose is lucky to be with a guy like you? Is that what you're saying?

No, I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying that... So what are you saying? I'd say that we're both in the correct weight class so you're saying she's as heavy as you no no

I'm using the boxing analogy right okay so you say no one's punching it's sort of no I'm saying Rose is a very beautiful woman and that I've got a lot to offer and so you're very beautiful

you're a very handsome man no I'm not saying that so then why would you describe her like that if she's in the same class as you so if she's a very beautiful woman, you're a very handsome man. Because beauty isn't skin deep. No.

Yeah. No, I think you look great. The picture of me and Rose. I'd say, in my defence, the picture of me and Rose, I look better than I did five years ago. I looked fucking awful five years ago. What I would say about the picture of you and Rose, if you cover up you

and you look at Rose and then you reveal you... You're surprised. Yeah. But I think... I don't know what was going on with me at that stage. That was... I think... I honestly, Rob...

You look about six. I look like six. I look, I honestly, Rob. You look about six. I look like six. I look like I'm kind of straight from the pub. I've not shaven properly. I've got like a weird like chin within. It looks like I've got a goatee, but I haven't. Like, it's, I look awful, Rob. Your hand looks weird as well, the way you're holding Rose's hand.

Yeah, I mean, it's just a mess. You're really clinging on to her, as I would if I was you in that situation. It's a big premiere, a lot of famous people there. That was the absolute best premiere. Josh, I think you look lovely, and I just thought it was nice to see so many comments. Yeah, good, I'm sure you did.

I tell you, though, what really stole it was the knick-knacks in the background. People that loved all the knick-knacks, and it helped me, because I know Rose has got a slight what really stole it was the knickknacks in the background people that loved all the knickknacks and it helped me because I know Rose has got a slight issue with me calling it knickknacks but that is quite a

knickknack corner of yours yeah she was she was absolutely furious that that corner had been included she was like do you know what it's a fat cop

I did ask you if I could post it though oh yeah you're not you're not at fault there Rob oh one thing My daughter said I've got to tell you this

My daughter said something that was quite funny And I laughed and she went to me way older She went don't say that on your podcast Oh no What did she say I can't tell her I've said I wouldn't Oh come on now The rule's got to be

If she outwardly asks me i've got to not yeah i can't say it because it will feed back to her um but i was like this is dangerous isn't that um anyway the school trip um so much they're all quite loud kids aren't they just lots like 36 how old are they uh eight year olds seven-olds. But I tell you what, Christians absolutely love Jesus. They do. They fucking hell. Here we go. I was sat there going, you love...

They are into this guy. Yeah. They absolutely... It's like going to see Liam Gallagher. Oh, it's like me talking about Thierry Henry. It is, yeah. They just fucking love... And I'm like, it's quite... I quite enjoyed it because it's nice listening to about thierry henry it is yeah they just fucking love and i'm like it's quite i quite enjoyed it because it's nice listening to people that are enthusiastic

about something i love people who are passionate about anything rob exactly whether it be you know train spotting or the son of god exactly i loved it anyway but it was quite um it's quite an intense story the easter story because basically jesus is this sort of cool guy that sort of floats around does a bit of healing walks on water but it's quite a weird jump it was this i am just saying i'm across it i'm across it rob yeah yeah i wasn't it's the first time i'd heard this story okay yeah he basically bowls around walking on water helping people out and stuff yeah and then he's got like 12 mates and then yeah he goes for dinner with them and then yeah so he's just this normal bloke that helps everyone all of a sudden he basically goes to 12 mates and then he goes for dinner with them and then so he's just this normal bloke that helps everyone

all of a sudden he basically goes to his mates there we go I'm Jesus eat my body and drink my blood yeah and it's quite a big jump to that yeah it is

that's a red flag for me yeah so you're team Judas is that what you're saying well if I was going for dinner with Thierry Henry and I love this guy he's done some amazing things

and then he goes here you go eat my body drink my blood I'd go look Thierry Henry, and I love this guy, he's done some amazing things. And then he goes, here you go. Eat my body, drink my blood. I'd go, look, Thierry, you're one of the greatest strikers the Premier League's ever seen. But I don't think I'm into this. I know what you mean. Anyway, back to Christianity. Yeah, yeah. So they love Jesus.

They love Jesus. They absolutely loved Jesus, right? Basically, they talk about, one of the questions from the kids, which I think was quite good, was when Jesus was getting crucified, they said, where's Joseph at this point? And the Bible don't know. It's not mentioned. Yeah.

And then they tell the crucifixion story, which is quite intense. It's intense. It's intense. And that is quite an intense bit. And they made them all sit in the dark and it was quite like... What? Because it basically had little stations around the church. And they did it really well

but there was a bit where it's like they tell about the crucifixion and then this is the bit that was like oh he died he said

because he died for all our sins didn't he essentially is the line and then if you haven't and then one of the kids

said but I've not sinned and they say oh it will all be all your future sins as well yeah which is quite full on again because now you're sort of, that's a real anxiety trigger, I'd say. I'm going to say that kid's a fucking liar.

Well, that's what that kid said. Come on, mate. Fucking goody goody. Of course you sinned. Come on. But then, because it was quite sad and quite intense. And then it was like the sort of scary bit of the story. My daughter was getting a little bit upset.

Yeah. Like, so as she walked past, I just said to her, don't get upset. It's all made up. Oh no. Oh no.

Which that's how that, yeah, that's my opinion on it. See you in hell, Rob. I didn't say that. I didn't say that to the whole group, but I just let down, said to my daughter, daughter don't get upset it's all made up because that's what i believe and

what it was quite good at the thing was it's a bit of balance like the bbc exactly but that's but then the christians that were delivering story was saying well i believe that say they it was well they didn't say this is what happened it was very much this is what i believe you're allowed to believe it as well or you know or you don't want to believe it it's up to you but i just sort of i'll just pop down just you know a bit like bobby robson having a word with linica and gascon she was getting a bit up teary a basic sort of the metaphorical linica have a word lend down don't get upset it's all made up yeah sorted around and that's the difference between you and stephen bartlett is that when he sees someone crying he thinks let's go for this.

Where do you go? Here we go. Here's the clickbait. Yeah. Where do you go? Let's stop them crying. Yes. Maybe I should have made her cry

and then filmed it and put it on Instagram for content. Because if I'm honest, that would get, because that's the thing with kids, right? That would get loads of traction online, loads of links, loads of clicks, loads of press online, loads of links, loads of clicks, loads of press.

However, I've got more self-respect than that. And I don't want to do that. If we want to get Instagram likes, we'll just put on a funny suit and stand in front of some knick-knacks. Thank you very much. How are knick-knacks not sponsored this podcast, by the way? No, no, exactly.

Fucking hell mate Live and up will ya Golden Wonder if they're still going How the fuck have Golden Wonder not Come on Golden Wonder we're here Golden Wonder must not exist anymore There's no That must have been bought out by laser walkers surely

Golden Wonder Golden Wonder still going Golden Wonder still going They're still going Golden Wonder of course they're still going They've got a website here we go little moments of joy

since 1947 we're not going to advertise you yet Golden Wonder but we have the best 30 seconds about knick knacks

people are going to love it get involved no it's owned by United Biscuits oh fuck United Biscuits who the fuck

United Biscuits this sounds like a five-a-side team for people that work at like McVitie's United Biscuits Who the fuck United Biscuits That sounds like A five-a-side team For people that work At like McVitie's United Biscuits Get on the bloody phone

They make McVitie's Jacob's Cream Crackers Twiglets Managing Director I'm on LinkedIn mate I'm high performing A Managing Director A knick-knack group

Hamza Ahmed Hamza mate Put your hand in your pocket Yeah Come on mate I don't think that is Knick-knacks, though. No, I don't think it is. I think it might be another country.

Bloody hell, United Biscuits made £867.5 million last year. Oh, come on, mate, put your hand in your pocket. Put your hand in your bloody pocket, come here. We've got a knick-knack advert waiting. Absolutely on ice. Rob, you know I like knick-knacks. Yeah, yeah, of course I do But

Do you like them nice and spicy Or on the wall Let's stop doing it Let's stop doing it Right Josh Shall we do small business Because we got carried away again There we go

I've got a small business The first time I've got a small business It's called United Biscuits Rob Only 860 million Oh god Where do you work United Biscuits Okay 160 million. Oh, God. Where do you work? United Biscuits?

Okay. United? Yeah, just left Biscuit Rovers and just needed a new challenge really. It's definitely American, is it United Biscuits? United Biscuits. Fucking hell,

the brands they've got. Oh, we could do an Ice Gems one as well because there's that picture of me which looks like an ice gem. Come on, United Biscuits. Fucking hell, the brands they've got. Oh, we could do an Ice Gems one as well, because there's that picture of me which looks like an ice gem. Come on, United Biscuits. Blimey. Oh, fucking hell. They are United, aren't they? And look, a club bar.

We could talk about lunchboxes. Why don't we do United Podcasts and try and buy loads of podcasts? Jacobs. They've got mini cheddars. They've got mini cheddars they've got mini cheddars right josh let's do let's stop doing a big business shout out let's do a small one here we go hi rob and josh i love the podcast it's helped me keep smiling through the night while you do that i'm just gonna open a lovely bag of cheeselets and enjoy this rob cheeselets cheeselets whatever they are. Oh I thought you said cheese sluts. Cheese sluts.

Hi Rob and Josh I love the podcast it's helped me keep smiling through the night feed to our three month old Margot. My husband has created a new business called Tiny Mavericks. It is a free weekly newsletter

aimed at inspiring children who are budding entrepreneurs. It features a story and activity that parents High performance. That parents and children can do together oh nice little activity so far is featured joe wicks mr beast mrs hinge

and more the instagram and twitter handle is at tiny mavericks and you can sign up to the newsletter at www.tinymavericks.com he's only just starting out and would it would mean the world if you could help spread the word thanks for being so sexy relatable keisha from suffolk um yeah so basically you go on the website put in your email and it just gets emailed to you how often is it weekly was it um yeah weekly and then it has a story about an entrepreneur and a little activity you can do isn't that nice we go that's very nice hi both hi both come on use our names please could you give my needy hi both hi both is like what you do the 10th email in come on hi both i don't think hi both is ever really effective is it no hi guys we're not choosing yours no i can't do that

please could you give my new business a shout out both of you i recently started inclusive e-learning i designed affordable digital learning experiences with a focus on accessibility and inclusivity i aim to reach 100 of learners including those with disabilities or those who are neurodiverse my website is www.inclusive-elearning.co.uk. www.inclusive-elearning.co.uk. Love the podcast. Can't wait for Tuesday and Friday for new episodes. Thank you, Joe Cottingham. Go on, Joe.

Right, we've overrun it now, Josh. It's been a long one. Well, I don't know. It's always a bad day for Michael when you see us approaching the three-hour mark. What will you chop it down to? Josh, I'll see you on Friday. I'll see you on Friday. Bye.

Oh, it's going to be a good one. Bye.