Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP27: Self-Care

Episode Date: April 11, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with oh for the love of god rob my headphones are paired oh you're fucking eddie josh you've got to just get this is actually ridiculous now you've got to get headphones that work to record a podcast i know rob but these headphones do work no they don't because this isn't the first time it's happened the ones you've got wired in have broke now you're trying to plug in your little airpods but they've run out of charge you have to do the little swap they haven't run out of charge i tell you what happened yeah i had them paired up with my phone so basically what happened is you said hello and welcome to parenting hell i'll press play on my phone and it boomed into my ears i hadn't even noticed that you've been coming out

my computer all the time oh my god why is it not giving me the option of my fucking headphones yeah but these headphones work though yeah Shoot me in the fucking head. This is unbelievable. To be fair, the older generations, these 40-year-old boomers can't do tech. My AirPods, here we go. Here we go, here we go, here we go. Ready.

Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... One second. Well, you're not ready, I am. No, I wasn't ready. I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. Don't say ready. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... George, can you say Rob?

Rob. Beckett. Beckett. And Josh? Josh. Whittacombe. Whittacombe. Well done.

God, all I'm thinking there is I'm a mess. Hi, guys. Josh, I really enjoy the opening of this show, like that little bit. I feel like because we just get to let loose and just say whatever we want, that like when I hear a child trying to say our names, it's almost like a Pavlovian response.

I feel like a dog and someone said walk or a lead's got out. Yeah. I feel excited to go. Okay, well, that's because they always get your name right and mine's always the one that goes wrong. Well, no, it's a bit of fun, isn't it? It's a hard name.

It is a hard name. Also, always at the end of the register always painful hi guys oh the world's against you in it john i didn't stand a chance even from this first day of school me i didn't stand a chance me last again is it fuck so well yeah do you know what occasionally my name would get cut off the end of the register when there was a substitute teacher. Hi, guys.

This is my two-year-old little boy, George, attempting the intro. He is obsessed with cars, so any words other than car is a bonus. Love listening to your podcast. It keeps me laughing

on the Tuesday and Friday commute. Can't wait to see you in Manchester in April. Thank you for being so sexy and relatable. Sarah in St. Helens. St. Helens. Ever been?

No, but I've met someone from St. Helens. And they don't like Wigan. Johnny Vegas. Johnny Vegas. And where my mum and dad go to in Spain, they've got loads of Northern mates. Yeah. So they're actually coming to the Manchester podcast live show

because they've got loads of mates up that way. Have they got any mates in Nottingham who potentially want some tickets? What the fuck are you drinking out of, Robbie? Look at the size of that cup. Who got it for me? Screen grab that, Michael. You look like you've come out of a 7-Eleven

with a 400 out. Look at that. Hey, I got myself a big sloop. What the fuck's going on there? How rehydrated do you need to be? It's bigger than your head. You've got to be rehydrated, mate. I'm on this fitness journey and I'm having it.

Are you? Oh, mate, I'm liquidising. That's not the word. I'm dehydrating. I'm hydrating. That's the one. Yeah, you're not dehydrating. I'm liquidising.

How am I losing weight? I'm losing all liquid from my body. That's what I've decided to do. It's mainly water. I just keep drinking loads. It's mainly water, body. That's what I've decided to do. It's mainly water. I just keep drinking loads. It's mainly water, actually. That's probably why I'm heavy. All the water.

No, that's my Stanley cup. My mum. My mum, Luke. Oh, my God. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. What a start.

Luke. Finally, I feel better about myself than Rob does about himself. No, so what happened is I've had the kids all day, and obviously I say mum for Luke. And I said Luke bought... I don't obviously I say mum for Lou. Yeah. And I'll say Lou bought... And I'll say you're as your mum. Lou bought this for me.

It's a Stanley mug and I've only just realised, like, I think these are popular on TikTok. As in the Stanley cup, the ice hockey? No, no, the blade, I think. The blade? As in the Stanley blade.

Oh, as in Stanley knife. Yeah, Stanley, yeah. Stanley knife, Stanley blade. Do you know we've been sent a Breville because we spoke about Breville so much. I know. We've got to start talking about stuff that's more profitable. Like, thanks for sending. Sandy and I, Sandy Blade. Do you know we've been sent a Breville because we spoke about Breville so much? I know. We've got to start talking about stuff that's more profitable. Like, thanks for sending me a Breville,

but they're 24 quid on Argos. If I wanted a Breville, I'd just definitely start talking about... Do you want to hear something about us being sent a Breville, Rob? I've already got one. I'm one of the few people with two Brevilles. How are you, Rob? Well, we're not talking about how we are. We're doing a special correspondence episode.

Yes, to catch up on the correspondence. So, I was going to do an update on my 2022 breakdown. Yes, so you had a breakdown in 2022. I don't think we did it extensively. No, but we addressed it. We certainly addressed it. There's not been a full inquiry. However, you've been in a better place since.

How would you say I was in 2022 for people that didn't listen to the episode? I'd say that you were stretched beyond belief at home and at work. Yeah. You'd sort of committed to too many things. You were trying to please too many people all at the same time, which ultimately led to you not enjoying life and feeling stressed and fed up. Yes, I'd say that's fair. But I'd say you addressed it i got to

a point where i couldn't sleep you weren't sleeping i was having panic attacks whenever i got in bed in the evening which is not ideal no and then you sort of readdressed it as quick as you could but obviously if you do make changes you've got commitment i'd say it's been a long old journey rob i'd say you're in a much better place now but i would say you have slight Like we all do And I have it as well I had a bit of a flirpy day yesterday Just because lots was going on But you have flirps But you sort of bring it back quite quickly

Yeah But you still have, like everyone Little triggers that set off your anxiety Well I thought Because I got a lot of people emailed When I did it, that episode So I thought I'd give them an update To show them what has happened since.

How you're doing. Yeah. Sure. To give you an idea of what kind of place I was in then, I was in a bad place, Rob. Yeah. I was drinking to get to sleep. Was you?

I didn't know he was drinking to get to sleep. Yeah. Yeah, I was having panic attacks. Yeah, I was whining quite a lot, yeah. And a bit of fun, that, isn't it? We can all have fun with a serious topic. Yes. Yeah, he was drinking himself to sleep because he had insomnia and he hated his life.

But he can have a little joke about it now. He can have a little joke about it now. Because the whole thing was so absurd. So there was this moment, Rob. Yeah. I don't know even if I'd said about this. When I was on the last leg Christmas special. At such a special time. Right. Such time filmed in november and i was dressed as kermit the frog when kermit

the frog's bob cratchit yeah you know when kermit the frog's bob cratchit in christmas carol yeah big time so i was coming before was bob cratchit and i was feeling quite down at this point bob and was you down before the outfit not even related to the outfit and Cratchit. I was feeling quite down at this point, Bob. Was you down before the outfit? Not even related to the outfit. Cratchit's not going to LP. He was having a tough time, Cratchit. Exactly.

Exactly. You'd think it would have put things in perspective for me. But no. And then the final bit was, of course, I'm sure you're aware of this. It's the only way to celebrate Christmas. Adam Hills and AJ Doodoo singing Step Into Christmas by elton john right obviously obviously yeah of course yeah yeah yeah and i've got to dress as elton john behind the keyboard so what's that just backing your normal clothes yeah really nice well no but we didn't have time to do a full

change so it just goes over the top right and there was a moment where I was dressed as Kermit the Frog as Bob Cratchit as Elton John pretending to play keyboards and I thought I've never been so depressed but I thought they'd just feel like that didn't they I think it was a chemical imbalance So that was a low moment I'd say that was a point when I thought This isn't ideal

No no no I'm in a bad place here and you've been busy that week as well yeah but i tell you what has happened rob so here the meditation has helped but the meditation could only do so much right so i was basically you can't really meditate in the middle of a show either no no i just mean generally to be fair you do look quite fed up yeah i'm gonna send it to you as well. We can see that. It's quite nice to look back on that person. It must feel like a different person.

It does feel like a different person. Oh, here we go. Yeah, that's it. That's it. Fucking hell, what a life. I look so depressed as well. Oh, my God. That is so funny.

I can imagine them directing the shot, going, yeah, don't go close up on Josh. He's crying. Oh, my God, that is so funny. I can imagine him directing the shot, going, yeah, don't go close up on Josh, he's crying. Oh, my God, look at me. Do you know what? In my head, I'd plastered on a smile. Sometimes you go, you see these people, you wouldn't know they're struggling inside. No, you can tell he's struggling.

There's no doubt about that. You've not even stood with everyone. No, I'm like Ashley Cole at Roma. That's a great reference. Oh, that's funny. The worst thing about it, that's before Elton John's even gone on. That's just the first two thirds of the outfit. So are you saying you're not even depressed there?

No, no, I was depressed all day. Right, oh. It was a good show. Don't get me wrong. It's okay to laugh about this though, isn't it? I think it's good. You've got to laugh about it. You're owning it.

Yeah. I think you've got to laugh at the... Because it's fucking absurd. Look at me. Also, well done for getting Ashley Cole at Roma in there. That is such a great reference. If you haven't seen that, it's Ashley Cole and he joins Roma. And he's so obviously not part of the team yet.

If one of the, when we put these on our Instagram, if someone could take the time to Photoshop me standing away from the Roma team group, that would be ideal. Obviously me as the co-edit the frog as Bob Cratchit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Pre-Elton John. I don't think we can handle it at that. No, exactly.

So that was your sort of lowest. So anyway, let me go back. Let me go back. So that was actually, you're not going to believe this. That was a couple of weeks after things had started to pick up. Sorry, I had a mouthful of Stanley there. Sorry about that. So you was had a mouthful of Stanley there. Sorry about that. So you was on the semi-up from there.

So what happened all summer was awful. I was having those panic attacks trying to go to sleep. I was feeling incredibly anxious and depressed. Occasionally, if I did get to sleep well, then the next day I'd feel good. And then it was like the stress of that night would build up. Yeah. And so what was causing it, Josh, looking back, do you think?

Like, what was making you get in that state? And had it been building slowly or was it one thing that set it off? So I think it was basically, well, I'll come to this because I went to see a doctor about it, right? So what happened was this was all going on. I was having good periods, like when we did the audio audio book i remember that was quite a good period yeah and then you'd have a bad night and it would go bad again and then it would just like suddenly come from nowhere and i was drinking to get to sleep when it was feeling bad which is a very bad thing to do because that's a depressant yeah and so then i remember it came to a head when went on that stag do do you remember going

when i went on the stag do to bruges yes you had to call an ambulance for for someone yeah the best man yeah so when i came back i just felt really really unable to deal with going back to normal life and i was like yeah i can't do this anymore i've been trying to get better for five months and i'm not getting better here so So I went to see a doctor. Yeah. Who? What kind of doctor? A GP or like a psychologist person?

A GP. GP. Went to see a GP. Yeah. And got put on antidepressants, which is, I'm going to say, the best thing that's ever happened to me. Okay. Because when they said it, I was really afraid of it. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Because it they said it, I was really afraid of it. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Because it sounds really, like, scary. It sounds like admitting you've got a problem. It sounds like admitting that you can't fix it yourself. And you're going to be zoned out and not be able to be you. You're going to be zoned out. You're not going to be able to feel. You're not going to be able to...

And they were, like, reassured me on all that. And I was like, look... And also, they're like, you've got to do this for six months kind of thing and so they put me on escitalopram yeah and so it takes a few weeks to kick in hence kermit gate yeah you don't really need that when you're on the antidepressants even though you know that they've got to take a couple of weeks to get in you're like this is not helping to be fair that is like a hose pipe on a house fire yeah exactly you're not just like doing the commute to the office job to write doric the explorer no you are on national television dressed as they said it will take

two weeks to kick in for normal people but if you're going dressed as kermit as bob cratchit i'd give it four weeks that's what they said because that will set you back the reason i think it's important to talk about is because i was almost embarrassed by being on them yeah i think it's really important to to say that you know be honest yeah you get two weeks of side effects as i went on to them and then that go that went yeah and then it was fine and then my doctor she was like you can't drink for the first few weeks just so that we know they're working yeah and i had to go to my friend's 40th and i was really nervous about that and i was like i've got to say i'm not drinking and i sat down with my two mates and i was like i'm not drinking they were like why and

i thought i just am on medication and they said what yeah and i said oh uh i've been having bad anxiety so i'm on escitalopram and both of them were on it as well and that's when i kind of first realized how prevalent it is that people have had to go on this yes but it's not talked about at all no not at all one in six people in the uk has been adults sorry has been or is on antidepressants but it's not talked about like that so there's a stigma there's a huge stigma attached yeah because everyone just goes go and breathe for a bit i'm like well i might need more than that and i'm not saying it's a long term and you've got to try and change your life but the way i kind of saw it is i was trying to change my life while i was also having panic

attacks to get to sleep yes and it was like trying to change a tire while going down the motorway that's a really good way to describe it yeah this is just giving me a chance and that just pauses it to pause the car to let me alter my life choices and way i live my life and then if i want to i can phase the stuff out do you you know what I mean? Yes. Yeah, exactly. But I just think it was important to say that that's happened because I think if anyone like me, I really saw it as like an admission of failure and embarrassing and stuff like that initially. Yeah. And I don't think, and I thought, well, that's not me.

I don't want to do it. I've never done it. You know, you go, oh, that's not me. That's someone else. And so I just thought it was important to say that on the podcast and also tell the kermit story no i think that's really really good and i think it they're like you say all three of you could have been sat around that table awkwardly not drinking or lying yeah but then as soon as you went oh and then you realize other people yeah are on, you know. And have you eased off on them?

Are you still on them? So I'm on less than I was and I've got a good few months coming up and I'm really putting those aside to work on feeling better and mental health and stuff like that. Yes, they're not working so much. Not working so much.

Because your diary last year was insane and that's not the only reason that you're feeling like that. But like you say, if you have no space to think or rest or totally do a bit of self-care or go to the gym or do whatever you're not going to get better and i'm still having you can't just go and i took this pill and i feel better because it's not like that yeah when i feel stressed i still feel really stressed i still go fuck this feels quite 2022 yeah and when i meditate it really helps and stops me being and all these things but it just gives me a kind of safety net you know what i mean or a kind of cushion that allows me to function when it's really tough but also then hopefully you know

allows me to rebuild a bit so there you go yeah you're doing so well josh honestly very proud of you and it's very inspiring to say all of that stuff out loud so other people can hear it or they'll forward it on to someone else to listen to and go oh you might get something from this especially with blokes there's no one really admits that kind of thing yeah but that is so important that like yesterday it wasn't a bad day there's loads of like you know when stuff sort of doesn't really go your way and oh god now that's been moved and yeah kids and you know all your schedule moves and it's been oh fucking you don't stop all day and you run around and then like i was supposed to be going to the gym and it was 7 45

p.m and it was like i'd already come home and because one of my kids went well i had to take the other one to swim in and then bring them back and then i had to go back out again and come back and i was like oh i can't be bothered to do this and then lou went just go just go even if you just go out for an hour or two you just have a bit of quiet time and i got there like 20 minutes early and i sat and did like a bit of meditating or listening to music or whatever it is you do but something where you're just not yeah on your phone not looking after a kid not doing at work emails and did that for 10 minutes sort of calmed down a little bit then went in the gym and did the training and it was really hard and during it i was like oh god this is really hard but afterwards i felt so good that

i'd done it yeah then come back then i had more energy and my head was a bit clearer and i think it's so important to make time to do that if you're just kids are working non-stop it is totally it is brutal i think what's really fascinating about like a way humans work is it's so often the thing that you need the most mentally and physically that you discard quickest when you get busy yeah i think it's almost like your anxiety goes don't do that because then i don't win yeah exactly i can't exist if that comes up it's like that tells you oh don't do that you don't want to do that because of this and then you don't do it and your brain goes ha ha look you're a lazy fucker aren't you didn't do it and then your brain goes, ha ha ha, look, you're a lazy fucker, aren't you? Didn't even do that. Whoa, you told me not to.

Yeah, because I'm the bad one. But yeah, I think for me, it's like a good analogy. So when my brain's really fizzing, I sort of try and think of myself like in a lake and I'm sort of like sinking down a little bit. And on top of the lake is the boats and the whatever jet skis and swimmers and all that zooming across that's all my thoughts and you've got to do this you've got to do that and just trying to just pull back away from them a little bit yeah sort of observe

it all going on rather than being in the middle of it trying to direct it all yeah you know what i mean yeah totally totally but like you say sometimes you can't get to that i'm at a point now where i've sort of calmed down my diary and done sort of therapy i never went on to medication but i've got loads of things in place that help me do all those things but you can't do them things if your car is still going 100 miles an hour yeah so if you have to have the medication to get you to that point where you can think a bit clearer then i think it's a great method to do it. Everyone works differently. Well, it's weird, isn't it? Because it's the only area where medical...

If you said, I'm on Ventolin to control my wheezing, people wouldn't go, oh, I don't know about that. Are you worried it's going to make your breath weird? Are you still going to be the same job? Exactly. The one thing I'll say about the sleeping thing,

just as the final thing, because I didn't answer your question on to what you thought the sleeping thing was. Oh, yes. And for ages, I thought the reason I'm anxious is because I'm not sleeping. And however many times people told me that insomnia is a result of anxiety and depression,

I wouldn't accept it in my head. Really? And the thing that made me go to the doctor really was realising that that is exactly what was happening is that i was having panic attacks when i was going to sleep that was a result of anxiety it was just a symptom of it the sleeping wasn't a thing that had been it was a created by me my body going i can't deal with the way you're living anymore yeah so that's really i go to sleep fine now oh that's good i was away in away in hotels and I went straight to sleep in a hotel,

which was always the thing I struggled with. So fingers crossed, things are on a very positive note. Good work, Josh. Very impressed. But it was just 10 years of existing on like adrenaline. Yeah. Of pushing from one thing to another, to another, to another. Yeah.

And also it's that kind of thing in your personality, you are slightly neurotic. You get excited about things and all that and that's who you are yeah but it's in now in a much more manageable way rather than eating into your thoughts all the time yeah you know that kind of stuff so totally the show's still funny even though you're happier which was a worry at one point i was like oh my god yeah it'd be good for him to calm down a bit but i still want him coming on in moaning like we said before no it's not fun being around a zen person is it no it's not fun being around a zen person shall we read some emails about people's kids swearing and their parents from boomer

generations bullying them yeah so let's have a look at this do some actual correspondence yeah you fucking droning on about your mental health mate yeah bloody hell but i can't believe how depressed i look in that kermit photo in my head i covered the whole thing up completely really you thought you'd put on a smile yeah brilliant right do you want a parenting fail yes here we go parenting fail when we potty trained my son we used a travel potty which had a fox on it with a handle and a seal tight lid system from odours and spillages so that our son could go anywhere anytime. After my son had got the hang of using this he soon moved on to the toilet. We decided to keep the travel potty in the bathroom because he also used it as a step to be able to wash his hands at the sink. After several months I decided it was

time to get rid of the potty. They are quite expensive buy new 30 pounds so i thought it'd be good idea to give it a clean and bleach it and pop it on facebook marketplace i couldn't get the lid open so i decided to take some pictures anyway and left it for my husband to try and open later when he got home oh no very quickly i don't offer on the potty i told the buyer that i needed to give it a quick clean and then they would be able to collect it that evening as soon as my husband got home I set the task of opening and cleaning the potty. I also couldn't pull the lid open. We thought perhaps because my son had used it as a step, maybe the lid had broken

or had been pushed too far into the seal. I decided to try using a spoon to run the seal and open and pull back to our horror, a massive black smushed poo inside. Oh my God. Before the lid opened, there was honestly no odour whatsoever. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. in there oh my god oh my god i immediately shoved the lid back on and threw the potty away i messaged the buyer and lied and told them that someone had replied to me sooner and picked it up to this day i still think hands down the most disgusting parenting fail on the bright side i still would highly recommend the travel potty as when they advertise as no odors or spillages they do really mean no odors that is absolutely absolutely disgusting. I forgot about the black poo tar. My friends have just had babies and my brother, so there's lots of baby chat in the group. You've got to say

though, we've escaped the worst smell ever and someone's got that in through another one of our topics. I know! Do you want to hear another disgusting story? I was chatting to a friend of mine and they said that they've got a two-year-old boy who's a bit, loves whipping all his clothes off and going naked and he especially loves whipping all his clothes off and bumping down the stairs on his bum yeah did a massive poo in his nappy yeah whipped it off and then just skid

mark down 10 steps oh my god on the carpeted stairs oh no oh no he has to get a professional carpet cleaner and it was 10 steps of oh my god just slid all the way down the middle like a giant skid mark. Absolutely awful. Yeah. Right, I've got some boomers here, Josh. Dear Rob and Josh, the sexiest, most modern and relatable men in comedy. Do you like that? Too bloody right.

Too bloody right. So modern. I've been loving the stories about children's artwork. I mean, when you say sexy and relatable, I literally did just think, oh, I've got a bit of a headache. I need to have an eye test. And I thought, I need to write down, I need to have an eye test. At that exact moment, as I was being called sexy. Well, we know how well my anecdotes about eye tests go.

Exactly. Yeah, let's hope. Let's not get bogged down by the optician again. Okay. When you go over 30, though, they do blow in your eye. I don't know if that happens over 40. Let me know what happens when you're over 40, if they do something else to your eye. Yeah.

When you're 60, they have to put your finger up your ass to check your prostate. So I don't know if at 40, they'll do something else to your eye yeah when you're 60 they have to put your finger up your ass to check your prostate so i don't know if at 40 they'll do something else to your eye because your eyes are older take it out and polish it yeah pop that back in good as new okay i've been loving the stories about children's artwork and it's triggered a boom of parenting story as a child in the early 80s i'd bring home numerous pictures from primary schools covered in glitter dried pasta yeah and thick poster paint dried pasta doesn't really happen anymore now does it are you still doing it no it's not as big a deal i remember that maybe it's a food wasted yeah it's probably difficult to on the one day get parents to give kids stuff to give to a food bank and then the next day be making art out of dried pasta yeah it's not it's not really on is it that'd be my theory anyway my mum was always

enthusiastic about my terrible art and had a way of making me feel that my pictures were extra special. Big mistake. She told me that the fairies wanted my artwork to wallpaper the caves they lived in. She said the fairies would visit the cupboard under the stairs every Tuesday night to collect my pictures. Brilliant. So every Tuesday night, I carefully placed my masterpieces in the cupboard

and when I checked every Wednesday morning, they had magically gone. This is horrible. Fucking hell, this is brutal. But lovely, but brutal. They had been. I had visions of fairies excitedly hanging my art on their cables,

but no. Years later, my mum told me Tuesday night was midnight and on Wednesday morning, the dustman carted off all my pictures. She didn't keep a single one what no

that's unbelievable how bad were they no remorse at all Lisa, Leslie no come on oh that's a shame throw some but some are good

yeah I'm keeping a lot of theirs I love them we go through the pile and we're like I'd say we keep one in seven keep or chuck

yeah it's the closest we get to Tinder in our house just swipe left and right and another drawing hi rob and josh i'm a long time listener i wanted to share my boomer story about my dad hoping it would help as some sort of therapy i was around the age of seven or eight so around 80 or 81 i was excited to be having a birthday party at my house a traditional affair of around 10 school friends for jelly ice cream jam sandwiches musical bumps

pasta parcel sleeping lions and the classic hunt the peg what's that what the fuck's hunt the peg i don't know i'll hear for younger listeners the clue is in the name pegs are hidden around the house and the child who finds the most pegs wins a prize i don't think you need to add that competitive energy to a birthday party personally no no my dad said i was very clumsy and if i broke or spilt anything he always moaned about me not doing any things by halves imagine his anger when in my haste to be the champion peg finder i smashed an antique lamp worth a large amount of money he was furious so furious he stopped the party no he didn't we didn't even have cake and sent all my friends home What a prick

Fucking hell That is not true Fuck off I'm sorry about this Natalie But that is bang out of order What a self indulgent But send love to your dad He sadly passed away last night

There you go In those days No parents stayed at the party So ten children Were sent into the street What? This gets better They were sent into the street. What? This gets better. They were sent into the street to find their own way home.

What? And I was sent to my room. I was sent to my room to think about my actions. Needless to say, I had literally never had a birthday party since and can't think of anything worse. Oh, Natalie. Oh, my God, Natalie. Let's organise a birthday party for Natalie.

This is fucking awful. We'll find the peg. Yeah, but she's not coming round my house, not with her butterfingers. Don't want her smashing on me. Don't want her smashing on me. Imagine your knickknacks go flying. Yeah, no way.

Natalie, let's rent a room and you're putting down the deposit because I don't trust you with any of the items in it. I asked him about a few years ago thinking he would have forgotten or would deny it, but he had the good grace to admit it and happened to look ashamed of himself. Oh, fair enough.

At least he knows that was not okay. Usual caveat applies. He was actually a really great dad and the 1780s weren't too bad. Roll the eye emoji. Well, I think that was terrible, but at least he's apologising, he's ashamed of it. Yeah, I don't like growing up in the 70s

and 80s. I think it's quite a good time to grow up. I don't think you'd be allowed to the slaughter, mate. Here we go, let's keep it a bit more lighter. Oldest things your kid says. My two-year-old every now and then when he gets up off the floor says, oof, me knees need to stretch. He has clearly

been taking note of my husband and I who are pretty active for mid-30s, but feeling it in our bones and muscles. Pip. That's quite Alan Bennett, isn't it? I must get out and I need to stretch. Oldest Single Kid says, my six-year-old was hosting one of his many home-based talent shows.

Yes, please. My ticket said The Magic Show, spelled M-A-J-I-K, and he told me it was £10 for a ticket. The theatre, aka playroom, had been open a few minutes and I was juggling this with prepping tea. And he came through and said, hurry up, I'm trying to earn a living here.

That's from Joanne. Talking about a six-year-old. I like that. These are really good, aren't they? Really strong. Another one. Just listening to your latest podcast on funny things children say, my four-and-a-half-year-old son is currently wanting to know

the names of all the organs, body parts, and what their purpose is. When he was asking about his bits and what they were called, I replied with willy and testicles. Yeah. He now calls his testicles his tentacles and thinks they grow more willies that's lauren cardiff i wouldn't say as an expert in biology hey guys i recently started listening to you whilst training for the london marathon running and laughing yes it's possible i wanted to message in regards to something my now five-year-old said when she was two i rubbed her cheek and i

said i love your face why are you so beautiful she looked up at me and said i love your tits a little bit of context though she was breastfed as a baby so maybe it was that jade 421 months oh jade just say out there you've got great tits that is incredible just accept it jade i love your tits even a two-year-old that is incredible that is absolutely incredible well done jade well done jade i've got one more here for you oh my son just come out with an absolute corker of saying things wrong he just called weeter bicks weighted dicks really nice and he's four and there's no excuse for getting it wrong from Katie. A weighted dick.

There's no excuse for getting it wrong. That's a fun way to live your life, Katie. There we go. Thank you for listening. Oh, do we need to do a small business shout out for this one? Oh my God, yeah. Oh, we've just got an email, Rob. Oh yeah, go on.

Do you want me to read it out? Yep. Some brilliant news. Parenting Hell has been shortlisted for the audiobook of the year. Get in. At the National Book Awards

open brackets the Oscars for books if you like. Fucking right I know. Take my wife's name out of your motherfucking mouth. When is it Josh?

Most of congrats to Rob and Josh on this. It's hugely well deserved blah blah blah. Yeah. The news is confidential. Oh shit. well-deserved, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. The news is confidential. Oh, shit.

No, but this is fine until 9am tomorrow morning. Oh, 9am tomorrow morning. Then feel free to make as much noise as you like. Yeah. There we go, Rob. Well done, guys. Well done. That literally arrived there and then.

Thank you for buying it, guys. Right, Josh, small business. Here we go. Small business. I'm Gary Essex. Good start. I like this guy. I like him already.

From Essex Bakery, from Colchester, Essex. Go on, Gal. I live here with my wife, Nat, and two small girls. No, two girls. I don't know why I said small. Sophie and Sasha. Sophie 11, Sasha 7. Yeah.

We run Essex Bakery with our friend craig essex no it's not our friend craig craig and gary you told me where they're from it's definitely east london or like essex it is yeah now and i love listening to your amazing podcast while we make our chocolate brownies craig doesn't have any kids that he knows of hey but we all love hearing your stories and the troubles and joys that being a parent brings all of us our small business is all about handmade chocolate brownies which are all gluten-free oh lovely lovely stuff we are at essex bakery brownies on social media or our website is www.essexbakery.co.uk thanks g, Gary Essex. Gary Essex, good luck.

Here we go. I've got one here. Hello, I was hoping to request a small bit of shout-out for my friend's new business, The Planting Designer. A super keen and talented gardener, she balances being an assistant head teacher with caring for two small children, also while setting up her new venture.

The Planting Designer works with you to create bespoke, tailored designs for your outdoor space that are practical, sustainable and beautiful. Based in Lincolnshire, she supports clients across the East Midlands. You can find more details on our website, theplantingdesigner.co.uk or on Instagram or Facebook at The Planting Designer. Thanks so much, Jess Lincoln. Lovely stuff. Brilliant.

Great episode. Get yourself a brownie. Get yourself a plot part. Gary Essex topped it off. Thank you very much for listening Lincoln. Lovely stuff. Brilliant. Great episode. Get yourself a brownie, get yourself a plot part. Gary Essex topped it off. Thank you very much for listening. See you later. There's a man walking. What's that?

There's a man out my window, Rob. Yeah. But he's walking behind a wall with a ladder and it looks like a ladder's walking along. Lovely stuff. I'd argue not great for an audio format. No. No.

Should have ended when we did. Yeah. Bye. Bye. great for an audio format. No. Should have ended when we did. Yeah. Bye. Bye. If you like Josh Winnicombe, you're in luck. That's because

the co-host of Parents in Hell and the Last Leg Maestro is the guest on the first episode of the Always Be Comedy podcast. Out now, and with me, your host and emcee of Always Be Comedy, James Gill. Each week, the cream of comedy curates their fantasy comedy gig. Who'd open? Who'd close? What gig nightmare do they never want to relive?

All this and much, much more. It's essentially comedy gossip and chat. You know, I remembered this the other day. My first ever gig, it was like Friday night open mic night. And they said, we'll just announce you on when you're on we haven't got a running order

it's a bit free form I got to the end of the night and then they wrapped it up and they'd forgotten to put me on and I'd sat there

the whole night we've also got Stuart Lee Harry Hill Jen Brister Ben Bailey-Smith Maisie Adam Al Murray

Rachel Parris and many many more coming up. That's the Always Be Comedy podcast, out now with new episodes every Tuesday. I'm Ivo Graham. And I'm Alex Keeley. We're stand-up comedians who love music. And we'd like to tell you about our new podcast, Gig Pigs.

Alex and I have been watching live music together for years, so we've decided to compromise this hobby, and potentially our friendship, by turning it into a project. Every episode, we'll be going to a gig, and then discussing it afterwards with the friends who came along to third wheel us. Asking questions like, did you enjoy the gig? Did you check the setlist in advance? Did you appreciate the artist's mid-song banter? Did this gig profoundly change your relationship with live music? Was the cloakroom queue prohibitively long? We've been to Franz

Ferdinand with Rosematte Feo and Emma Ciddy, Kendrick Lamar with Phil Wang and The Cure with Cellular AB. And next month we're going with Ed Gamble to watch Napalm Death. Episodes are out from this Thursday and every Thursday thereafter until attending live music once a week with a different guest becomes logistically impossible. We have no idea how soon that could be, so join us now by going to your preferred podcast platform and searching GigPigs. Hello and welcome to the trailer of Oh My Dog with me, Jack D. And me, Sean Walsh. In our new weekly podcast, we'll be revealing the most intimate, ridiculous details of our relationships with our beloved dogs. I have the delightful, spirited Mildred Barrett, who is a cockapoo.

My streetwise best friend is Dolly, the long-haired chihuahua that we rescued. We'll be asking the all-important questions like, does your dog sleep in your bed? Do you let your dog kiss you on the mouth? And what voice do you use when you're speaking to your dog? We do it in the mornings. I know, come here, I'll give you the squeezes, I'll give you the rubby bellies, because you're in the mornings. What are you doing? What are you doing, Sean?

I'm doing the voice that I use to speak to Mildred. Oh, thank goodness for that. We'll also get our equally dog-obsessed guests... Wait, wait, wait. What are you doing? I'm carrying on with the trailer. I know that you speak to Dolly with a voice. Do the voice.

I'm not... No, I'm not going to do that now. Do the voice! We want to hear the voice! Hello, my darling. Have you been a good girl today? What are you going to do have you missed me have you missed me

good girl it's not funny it's how I talk to her don't mock it over the coming weeks you'll be hearing from the likes of Jonathan Ross, Amanda Abingdon and Sarah Cox about their faithful four-legged friends

make sure you subscribe now so you don't miss our first episode on Monday the 6th of March. You are very much part of the podcast too, so get in touch by emailing us at hello at omdpod.com or follow us on Instagram at omdpod. If you are not in the queue and you are waiting, then step to the side. He got in touch and said, yeah, sorry, mate, you didn't seem like yourself the other day. You've only met me three times. The self-service checkout. I don't care what you're called.

I'm not getting tricked into working here. People at festivals in those stupid jester hats. I glanced at a tampon. £2.69 for a bottle of water. Why is your Wi-Fi code 10 characters long? The blog starts guiding you. I don't care if you're watching. Boots cut jeans.

What's upset you now? I'm Sean Walsh. And I'm Paul McCaffrey. We are the hosts of What's Upset You Now? The UK's angriest podcast. And we are back for Series 5. Booyah! We all love a good moan, don't we?

And Sean and I, well, Sean mostly, are two of the best in the absolute business. And every Tuesday and Thursday, we moan about all those little things that really get our goat. We also have guests. What guests have we had, Sean? We have had Romesh Ranganathan, Rob Beckett, Mark Lamar, Joe Brand, Catherine Ryan, Tom Allen. 15-minute episodes every Tuesday and Thursday. Brand new, What's Up Set You Now, Series 5 out now. Oh, for God's sake.

Soap from the Box is the TV podcast that goes behind the scenes of the nation's favourite shows, including Coronation Street, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks and EastEnders. You know, it was literally, we couldn't sort of go anywhere without being recognised.

I'm Lee Salisbury and I directed the shows and the stars in them. On this podcast, I delve where no one else has been. You can listen to over 70 episodes right now with stars including Sue Johnston, Glynis Barber, Denise Welsh, Sid Owen, Sally Dynevor and Danny Minogue. No more, no more. In this week's episode, I chat to the star of one of the biggest Christmas films of all time. Hi, I'm Martine McCutcheon.

Yes, love actually. And EastEnders actress Martine McCutcheon goes behind the scenes with me, especially for you. It's such a beautiful thing, like, to be part of your legacy, to leave behind. Soap from the Box, the TV podcast you don't want to miss.