Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP29: The one where Rob has several automobile disasters

Episode Date: April 18, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with camilla can you say rob beckett good girl and can you say j Beckett? Rob Beckett. Good girl. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Good girl. Right, Madeline. Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Good try.

And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Rob Beckett. Well done. Camilla and Madeline. Three in May. They're very... I tell you what, they're intimidating names, Camilla. Camilla and Madeline, I'd say are intimidating, wouldn't you? Yeah, well, I'd say Camilla,

obviously you're heavily associated with one person, aren't you? Yeah. One of those people actually that goes by one name, isn't she really? Oh, Parker Bowles. Yeah, I suppose. Camilla. Do you reckon they call her Cammy? Cam?

No, what, like Chris Camara? Yeah. Cammy! No, but if I, what was it, Camilla and Mad you reckon they call her Cammy? Cam? No, what, like Chris Kamara? Yeah. Cammy! No, but if I, what was it, Camilla and Madeline, those girls' names. If I had a job interview or something and they said, right, and you'll be meeting with Camilla and Madeline, I'd be more scared. Yeah, I'd shit myself. I'd absolutely shit myself.

Oh, God. Hopefully Madeline's a bit nicer than Camilla. But I think maybe that's because Camilla was always, until recently, sort of portrayed as a sort of bad one after Diana. What do you mean until recently? Someone hasn't read Spare. But they're trying to get you back on board with her now, the papers, aren't they?

And Meghan's the bad one. I'm not picking a team. I'm not picking a team. Oh, you've got no one's team Camilla. I'm not picking that team. That's for sure. There's no one. Obviously, there's Harry, Mega versus William and Charles.

No one's just pure Team Camilla. I'm Team Prince Edward. He doesn't get a lot. He doesn't get a lot. Because if you look at the four-year-old family like a fry-up. Of course. You know, the egg and bacon and sausage is sort of Charles, Harry and William. They're the main players.

Camilla's like the beans. I don't mind them, but some people want them in a separate pot. Everyone at home wants to know what Andrew is, Rob. Andrew, I think he's probably the spam, isn't he? Or the black pudding or the... You know, that thing that you sort of forgot existed. You go, oh, God, yeah. And then go, don't tell me how it's made. Don't tell me how it's made.

I like the taste, but don't tell me how you make it, what you've done with it. It's what blood? That's it, mate. You don't lose while fussy with food. Right, yeah. So we went to Barathena for an anniversary dinner, and it's amazing.

It's like a tapas place in Soho. Have you been? Yeah. I think I have, yeah. I think I have. Also, now, Josh, now there's a camera. I've got a camera. I don't know whether to look in the camera or just sort of stare off.

I've minimized it, Rob, because I can't bear looking at you. I'm just going to pretend it's not there. Or more to the point myself. Anyway, look, the camera is good, isn't it? And anyway, so we had this thing. It was like a mortar sausage or something like that, right? And it was really nice. It was really delicious.

Quite rich. It was with a bit of egg and a bit of just bread, but there's tiny little tapas portions. Lou absolutely loved it, gobbled it down. Then I thought, I like, it tasted a bit like black pudding. I Googled it and it was, it was dead in Spanish. Sausage, it was like black pudding. So it was sort of the blood and stuff like that.

And when I told Lou what it was, she went and was sick. But she loved it until I, was like oh that was lovely definitely get that next so it wasn't even like oh i'm not sure about this she was she was sold and then she went and then she got to can't be sick well that yeah it's an extreme i i'm i'm slightly annoyed that i didn't have any oat milk so i've got normal milk in my tea at the moment so it's all it's all relative rob have you have this is probably a bit disgusting but have you ever have you ever had to do a sick like a projectile one have you ever done one of them yeah about 4 000 times in my life have you met me really no but not like a proper like i've only a couple of times i've done it once i did it off a bridge into a river and it went so far because

you know normally you don't see how far it goes. Oh, the trajectory. Oh, God, it was... I felt like Tom Brady. I just launched one. Yeah, surely when you're... You've had the Noro, haven't you? Oh, God, yeah. Let's not get... Let's not talk about it.

Right, that was Camilla and Madeline. Love the podcast. Listened since the beginning and it kept me chuckling through the two under two madness. Can't wait to see you at the O2 on Friday. Lots of love. Fran from Ware in Hertfordshire. That's always a funny place name, isn't it?

Well, Ware. Yeah. I don't think they find it funny anymore. They don't find it funny. But we will see you at the O2. We did our first gig, Rob. Yes. Our first arena at Manchester.

I think I'm sort of buzzing from the relief that it went well. I was so happy when I went to bed. I could barely concentrate on my book. I couldn't go to sleep. I went to sleep at 4, 5 a.m. on Friday. I had a nightmare weekend. Absolutely dreadful.

Tell me about what you did till 4 a.m. So I went for a drink in the bar, but yeah, I only left a bit after you. So we went back to the hotel, probably left the bar about half 12. And then went up to bed and then was just looking on my phone. I just was so awake. It was like jet lag awake. But I've got my adrenaline situations out of control.

Once when I did a challenge on League of Their Own, I had so much adrenaline. I just couldn't, I didn't sleep that night. And I just, I just accepted it. But I didn't need to. I weren't laying there tossing and turning going I'm so tired I was just like if you'd said

oh do you want to go for a walk and go and get breakfast I'm like yeah might as well I was up for the day it was an adrenaline sitch really wasn't it it was such a big room yeah thank you

to everyone that come you think that's big Rob I went to see Elton John at the O2 last night oh yeah and I was thinking I'm on that stage in four days time

well some people thought you probably were from your new look. Special guest Elton John every night on the Peridot and Hell tour. Just no Josh.

No but it always looks big up from the seats than from the stage. Yeah it was great. Thank you so much to everyone who came. We had an incredible night.

Thank you to Alex Brooker, who was a brilliant guest. And we have a different surprise guest every show, by the way. Yeah. So it was Alex. Some of them not as underwhelming as Alex. Only joking. Only joking. Bit of bantz.

Bit of bantz. He absolutely ruined me in front of like 12,000 people when he said it. Yeah, he smashed it. When I said, welcome our special guest. And he said, why am I special? Yes. And then, what do you say to that? But yeah, no, it smashed it. Well, and I said, welcome our special guest. And he said, why am I special? Yes. And then, what do you say to that? But yeah, no, it was great.

But I think the relief was we knew the show worked in theatres because we'd done them in theatres and in little warm-up rooms. You never know until you do it, but it does really work and people loved it. So that was such a relief. Thank you so much for coming. I enjoyed it as well. I don't know about you, Geoff.

We filmed it, so we're going to try and put some clips out on the socials at some point, aren't we, Rob? On the socials. Yeah, and we're recording this, and I've got a proper camera now. We are. Yeah. I'd say we are. I think we might be the first podcast in history

that sold out the O2 and Manchester Arena and then bought a camera. It's very much the opposite of the Stephen Bartlett model. So, yeah, we're in Nottingham on Wednesday Cardiff on Thursday I think there's I don't know about car 02 on Friday and Wembley on Sunday yes like I said with a with an arena there's always normally a few tickets but there's definitely tickets for Nottingham and Wembley I think they're a bit more flexible in returns I think the 02 and different venues. So just ring up.

How could you ring a ring? We have genuinely just done the most boring 20 seconds of podcasting we've ever done. Let's get back to Camilla. Let's get back. No, right. Let's get back to parenting. Do you reckon Fergie's like halloumi?

Well, she's not part of the full English anymore, is she? I know, but remember the full English, what they, you know, sometimes the full English gets new,

like sourdough for a bit, then you just go back to normal toast. Do you know what I mean? Like, is she the spinach? You're someone, yeah. Well, in East London, the spinach is obviously the first thing that goes in. Or is she square sausage?

Like, I mean, you see her in certain places, like up in Scotland. They still love her up in Scotland. The sausage situation in Scotland, off the chain because they've got about four different sausages but different shapes

I'm not across this because I'm vegetarian Rob well so they have square sausage which is just sausage but square yeah

then they've got like link sausage or something and they do burnt rolls have you seen that I think we spoke about this before but in Scotland they have rolls

that are properly burnt but everyone loves them and if you say to a Scottish person, they're burnt, they go, no, they're not. That's how we like them. Are they called burnt rolls? Yeah, I think so.

Google burnt rolls Scotland and you'll see them. You must have seen them in like Sainsbury's and the bakeries up in Edinburgh when you did it. Burnt rolls Scotland.

Never seen that before in my life. So there's lawn sausage, which is... Well, that's a burnt roll. No, no, don't upset our Scottish listeners. Sorry. We've already only done Edinburgh on the tour.

Oh, they're called well-fired rolls. That's like on Tinder, a well-worn man. He's 65, three wives. Interesting that you're across the... Oh, I'm really tired this morning. I've never seen anyone tap out of a bit of Banza Quicker. I feel great and I don't know why I'm like buzzing. I had a terrible weekend as well, Geoff.

Take me three a time on weekend. Actually, it was quite good. So the Saturday night home was bad. So we did the gig. I didn't go to sleep till 4 or 5 o'clock. Luckily, I had a 2 p.m. checkout from Manchester, so I just did nothing all morning, and I needed to do nothing. It had been a very stressful, busy week because Lou's been unwell.

So the morning of the Manchester Arena gig, I was supposed to be up and out at 10 a.m. to get up to the train station for the train because I don't want to be there late. And Lou weren't well, and it was up all night, unwell. So I had to get up with the kids at like 7 a.m to get up to the train station for the train so i don't want to be there late and um lou weren't well and it was up all night unwell so i had to get up with the kids at like 7 a.m as i was doing breakfast still trying to pack my bag feed the dog and all that and then sort of rushed up to manchester we did did the manchester which was great didn't go to sleep too late but i had a nice morning saturday morning and then i got taken down to birmingham to do a corporate like an awards an awards do with Tom Allen, actually.

We teamed up, double teamed it. I'm like the double act man, me. I can't work alone. Insane. Our generation's Ernie Wise, really, aren't we? Between you, Tom Allen and Romesh, I was sort of just a used man and Lloyd when I go to the football.

Anyway, went to do this gig. The gig was for Quick Fit, right? Yeah. Drovo, obviously. Gave out 15 awards for the best tyres.

Tyre blue. Tyre blue out on the way home. 1am. No, come on now. Come on now. Tyre burst on the motorway. What happens when a tyre bursts

on the motorway? Weird noises, panic, smell of burning. And do you, can you pull in or is your car? that's that's the big sort of um controversy at the moment josh with these smart motorways where the smart motorways

basically used a hard there's no hard shoulder but there wasn't a hard shoulder straight away you have to sort of drive for a bit and then pull in um oh god we pulled into was on the side of a motorway for about an hour then we managed to hitch a lift in a tow truck to newport pagnol services which was exciting it was so it was like something from a comedy film like it was john candy well there was this family that had broke down on their way back from liverpool and they'd organized the like the pickup person and so so the truck was massive though. So I said to the guy, can we jump in for a lift?

Can we bunk in? He went, you'll have to ask these people because it's their lift. So he said, please, can we get in your truck? And I went, are you off the telly? He went, yes, I am. What do you need?

What do you need? Tickets, photo? Tom Allen's doing voice recording for your answer phone. What do you need? Tom Allen as well. Yeah, me and Tom Allen stood there. Oh, my God.

And, yeah, so it's me and Tom Allen stood on the side of a motorway, and then they let us get in their truck. We got in their truck for a bit. Is he fully suited and booted at this point? Oh, we both are. We've just had a call. We jumped straight in the car.

Right, so you haven't even turned back into your track suit that you normally travel in. No, no. Full suit, like we've just been to a wedding. Stood there with our bags. The bloke who was driving us had to stay with his car to wait for the pickup we got to newport pagnol southbound so we ended up at newport pagnol services about 2 30 a.m then we got picked up by another car driven back got stuck on the dartford crossing for an hour what time like 4 a.m or something about 4am. Woke up the kids obviously at 4am because I came in and it's sort of near stirring time, isn't it?

Oh God. So Lou was loving that. So I had to sit with the kids. So they were up? Well, yeah, well they would have been, but I was like, no, no, no, it's bedtime. Go back to sleep, go back to sleep. Yeah.

And then, yeah. So then I got to sleep about five, 4, 5am. Oh my God. I know. Yeah. And then I did radio too. I'll tell you a bit more for a low-energy show. So you haven't been to bed before 5am two nights in a row,

but not because you're hardcore. No. Because you had too much adrenaline one night and you were stuck at Newport Pagnell the other night. Yeah, and then last night I came home and I was obviously tired, but then when I tried to get into bed at like 10pm, I was like, this is seven hours earlier than normal for the last two nights I could work full work I didn't know what to do so I jet lagged

myself just going to Manchester oh my god you've changed your body clock I know but I feel you know I feel good though but I feel do you know what though I think I was carrying stress about the shows yeah because because it was an unknown quantity you know we, though? I think I was carrying stress about the shows. Yeah. Because it was an unknown quantity. You know, we knew the show worked. We put loads of effort in. We didn't know. We'd been told also that arenas weren't, it was going to be like underwhelming once you got in an arena

compared to the experience of gigging in a theatre. That's the general gist. But I didn't feel that. It didn't feel that at all. I was so pleasantly surprised. Maybe our theatre gigs have been shit, Rob. Maybe you're just an arena comic, Josh. You're only getting the best taste of stuff now.

Who knew? Who knew that those venues were built for me? I think, though, we go into the crowd and have a chat with people and stuff. Oh, yeah. That makes it more intimate. Anyway, let's talk. It was really fun. It was really fun.

Honestly, we were just chatting about it. We're just so grateful to everyone that bought a ticket and the support and also not just at the gigs all the support online whenever we post stuff everyone so you know we know when we get lovely messages all the time about people that listen and you know especially during lockdown and in whatever way it's helped and stuff like that but i don't think you can underestimate how much it's helped us being able to do this every week and the stuff that we've both opened up about and been honest about i think has really benefited us so thank you for allowing us to be able to do this and listen and and supporting us we do appreciate it the person that dm'd me and said josh you know you've got adhd don't you was quite an attacking message

nothing wrong with having adhd obviously i know but um yeah i think we can i think yeah i don't you was quite an attacking message nothing wrong with having adhd obviously i know but um yeah i think we can i think yeah i don't think we need to be diagnosed i had to do an online test rob i couldn't less have adhd if anything i don't think you've got adhd i think it's an anxiety disorder isn't it i think yeah they call it but um thank you for that message much appreciated now um i started teaching my daughter to ride a bike this weekend yesterday how did it go so i watched a video on youtube called teach someone to ride a bike in 45 minutes someone surely a child teach a child i know because some people some adults can't what's it called i can't even remember if you're an adult trying to learn to ride a bike i think you don't want someone

running along with their hands under your arm i thinkits i think you go down the park maybe on a winter's day when it's a bit quieter and you just have a little go in the grass don't you yeah i don't think you want a bloke yeah it does say teach your child to ride in 45 minutes so because we'd bumped into not bumped into we went to the park with her friend on saturday yeah and her friend's been learning and so her friend on Saturday. Yeah. And her friend's been learning. And so her friend was at the point where she was just nailing it. Right. So that made my daughter go, now is the time.

Yeah, seeing is believing, Josh. Exactly. It was difficult because her friend had obviously been doing it for a couple of weeks. Yeah. On and off. So instantly you're trying to communicate to your five-year-old,

it's not going to be like that you're going to have to do some hard graft here right okay do you know what i mean i didn't use the word hard you're a bit of a truth parent no i think it's better approaching to go you're not just going to be able to ride a bike it's going to be it takes lots of practice right yeah but i see i i would go in a different way what you're You're going to get it first time, and if you don't, you're a failure. No, not that. That I don't agree with. But I'd be like, yep, it's difficult, but we're going to do it.

But I feel like you're not inspiring me. If you're a manager in a dressing room. No, no, you're going to get there. You're going to get there. Yeah. I feel like you've told me I can't, and it's too hard, Josh. I just want to ride a bike, Dad. Now.

So I just want to keep a bike, Dad. Now. So I just want to keep expectations low. Get me going. Come on. Give me management on me, Josh. Rose is there as well. So we started. The thing is with my daughter is if she's good at something,

she fucking loves doing it. So she'll do it loads. Like drawing. She loves drawing, right? She's good at drawing and she loves it. And she likes doing her phonics and all that kind of stuff because she can do it loads like drawing she loves drawing right she's good at drawing and she loves it and she liked doing her phonics all that kind of stuff because she can do it what she doesn't like is that initial period where she's bad at stuff yeah no one likes that though well rose herself said this is this is a real trait of roses rose pointed this out herself so i'm not i'm not speaking out of turn here no worries rose doesn't like being bad at something she'd rather not do it so what kind of stuff does rose do and she likes and then

what other stuff should be like oh can you do that that's not my thing she likes physical activity right she's good at yoga she's good at uh weight lifting and gym stuff she's good at interior design she's good at etc etc etc i'm not going to go through all her good qualities no but she's a bit of an athlete and she's got a good eye for color and detail exactly she likes yeah yeah fashion etc right sure she she won't play a board game because she doesn't she doesn't want to play a board game see but lou likes board games and loves but refuses to play me because i beat her and she can't understand how play board games. See, Lou likes board games. What? Lou likes board games and loves Scrabble but refuses to play me

because I beat her and she can't understand how. What, you beat Lou at Scrabble? Yeah. No, I'm not having that, Rob. I'm not having that. I do. No.

And Lou can't work it out and either. No one can. That is unbelievable. I can't spell, Josh, but I don't know how. But I just sort of get a feeling for it.

It's like a gut instinct. Just get a part down letter and it turns into a word. Are you Goodwill hunting? I'm a believer, Josh but I just sort of get a feeling for it. It's like a gut instinct. Just get a butt down, let us in. It turns into a word. Are you Goodwill hunting? I'm a believer, Josh. I'm a dreamer. So anyway, we know this about my daughter.

She doesn't like that initial phase of being bad at something, but once she gets the hang of it. So I'd say two minutes in, I thought she's never going to ride a bike here because she's already furious at us because she can't do it straight off the bat and then rose gave her a kind of really good pep talk better than the one i just gave unbelievably well i think your messaging was right that this is gonna take time but it felt a bit but low energy but i imagine you're probably

being more high energy with her you wouldn't go look this is hard work it's gonna take time you're not gonna get it straight away yeah because that doesn't inspire me to ride. Basically, Rose went off with our son. And I was, she eventually, she did more or less get the hang of it, Rob. So from watching the video? No, she didn't watch the video. I watched the video. Obviously, no, but the tips you got from.

Watch that, see in an hour. Yeah. The tips I got. Yeah, what are they? Big tip. Big tip. Hands under the armpits, right,

inside of the body, rather than on the handlebars, because the handlebars, that won't teach them to balance. So don't hold the handlebars. Don't hold the handlebars, hold the child. Hold the child.

Right, I was holding the seat, so I did that wrong. Yeah, well, maybe that's closer to the child than the handlebars. You're steering for them, so they're not learning how that works. I've never known anyone to start from the handles, have you? No, but I've got the tip now, but I'm just passing it on. I'm just saying.

Also, don't spit in your child's face. It will put them off. Well, do if they keep failing, because they need to know. It's carrot and stick. It's carrot and stick. Just pedal and stay straight so hold the child rather than the the front yeah uh let them pedal and let them use like try and get the momentum from them who's this lunatic peddling for them no if they're some children can't get the peddling right don't push them along if they

can't get the peddling right because they're them along if they can't get the pedaling right sure yeah um and um can't remember the other tips but it was fine do you know what it's a great source of advice this this show yeah no exactly well do watch the video because it gave me confidence to teach it, we were just running up and down the park. It's fucking knackering, Rob. Yeah, the back does. I'm going again today and I'm going to have to, I'm going to wear my shorts and a t-shirt and some trainers. Yeah, I had to wear gym clothes for it. Yeah, I'm going to have to wear my PE kit

because there's no way that I'm... In a pair of jeans, converse, slapping on the floor. I know, that was the worst it smelled like do you know when like it was i can't remember the last time i did exercise in normal clothes like it's horrible it's like when you when you play football in your school uniform it was that kind of feeling and you just sat in history going oh what is that go hell. I stink because I've been running around in my clothes. Your livery shoes. Yeah. It was awful.

I was absolutely. And you're hunched over. You're running like, you know, Mrs. Oval. Oh, you probably won't. Mrs. Oval from Acorn Antiques. Like that kind of bent over. What's that? Acorn Antiques?

It was a Victoria Wood and Julie Walters sketch. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. Anyway, you. Okay. Yeah. Anyway, you're running hunched over. People at home will be loving that reference, Rob, but it's really tough on the core and on your thighs because you're having to maintain a kind of almost like,

you know, that thing where you sit up against a wall, that kind of thing. But it was all, I was so glad when we finished. She was doing that on her own then. Because she got good then. She could do about, her record was about 10 seconds with me running with my arms kind of floating around her, but not touching her. Yeah, it's just a confidence thing, isn't it?

After, there's no rush. Yeah. But yeah, that's good though. For the first attempt, I think that's really good. Yeah, really good. Two at once. Yeah, that's a fucking nightmare that's a that's a shocker one on the other side is that but but i was quite i was quite lucky actually though really that the youngest could still do it oh that was the other tip that was the other tip there's a kind of sweet spot for teaching them right which is kind of four or five yeah and the thing is when they hit six

it gets a bit more difficult because they've got more of a sense of fear of what could go along 100 which i thought was an interesting tip so if your child's seven and they haven't learned too late give it up no well i taught my daughter when she was six and a half probably and six, six and a half. And then my youngest was four, four and a half. So, um,

yeah, she was, she was fine. She picked it up really quickly, but it is that confidence thing, but they get it over time. It's just, um,

it's just hard because it's always miserable weather or cold. So once they learn it, it's like, I could have killed for some rain, Rob. I was in the fucking blazing heat running forward and back in my fucking chinos. This is the perfect time to do it because then by the summer,

they'll be nailed it and then they'll remember it over winter. It was the summer, Rob. It felt like the summer. It was awful. It was so hot. You don't like the heat, though, do you? No, I'm not. I'm a cold-blooded animal.

I'm Nordic or whatever I am. I don't know what I am. Talking about cold-blooded, in my office, right, I've got like a little air conditioning unit thing that does hot and cold. So obviously in the winter I have it on warm. But because it's turning now and there's a lot of glass windows, it gets really hot in here. So I was like, oh, I'll put the aircon on.

But I don't understand temperature. I've got a button and it basically, if I have it on 20 degrees, right, there's a button that can be 20 degrees cold or 20 degrees heat so i change what mode it is so if so at the moment it's on like 20 degrees and it's quite chilly in here because it's got the cold logo but if i press it to the hot logo it'll get hot but the number won't go up so how can one temperature they must be different no there's not 220 degrees there's not a warm or a cold one that's what i was one celsius and one centigrade or whatever the temperature which is the difference is celsius let's not get bogged down by that at the moment it's got 20 so 20 degrees celsius and it's cold but if i press a button to the little sunny heat one it'll get

hot in here but that number won't go up so how does that work well it doesn't rob but you've brought something dodgy there well no that that's what's happening though no it's not you're not getting different degrees well it's not it can't be there's not two different 20 degrees one that's warm one that's cold surely well you come around here i'll show you two different degrees you come around here in your shorts mate and I'll show you two different 20 degrees. You come round here in your shorts, mate, and you'll find out. I don't understand how it's happening. I don't know. It can't be. There's not two different 20 degrees.

There's not a warm one and a cold one. Well, I'm Googling how can 20 degrees be hot and cold with air conditioning. Well, don't Google that because there's no answer to that, surely. Yeah. Lou, listening to this, going, this guy beats me at fucking Scrabble. Look, all I know is if I press that button, I'll start getting hot. And the 20 don't change. Get yourself a thermometer.

Yeah. Right? One of those ones that we used to use in, like, science. Right. Right, here we go. Why is 25 degrees heat mode hotter than 25 degrees cold mode? So there's a forum about this. Right, okay. Right. Right, here we go. Why is 25 degrees heat mode hotter than 25 degrees cold mode? So there's a forum about this. Right, okay.

Right. Oh, it's one of them Quora ones where you have to, like, sign in. Can't I just fucking read something that's signing in? No, I don't want to tell you the things I fucking like. Do you want to know about signing in, Rob? I did a whole bloody quiz to check whether I had ADHD earlier this week, and then at the end I had to pay for the answer. Surely that's unfair.

Follow five more topics to continue. Who's following an air conditioning topic? Fuck it. Physics, weather, temperature. Done. So, right. Simple answer is, here we go. The heating mode has a higher humidity and cooling has a lower humidity.

So a room for mama would read what the temperature is not, what it feels like. Humidity plays a huge role in hot or cold. Now, it's like how you read temperature from weather websites and apps. It says 24, well, I'm not sure about this. This person spelt weather, W-E-T-H-E-R. And I'm no Scrabble king. I think if you can't spell weather,

I don't care about your views on temperature. That's interesting. It's about humidity, yeah. Well, it's like wind chill as well, I don't care about your views on temperature. That's interesting. It's about humidity, yeah. Well, it's like wind chill as well. I don't know what fucking hell. Have you ever had wind burn? Yeah, it's awful. It's horrible.

Your face is so red and hot and it's just coming from the wind. And all you say all day is, but it was cloudy. I burn like rose makes me put um uh sun cream on every day of the year rob makes you put it on she says i should put it on every day of the year why because you're always absorbing sun so it's better for the skin apparently but also i burn like a crisp anyway yeah you're putting sun cream on when it snows. No, I'm not because I don't do it, Rob. She tells me to do it. But I'm so busy that I barely wash my face in the morning. I have a shower twice a week at the moment.

You don't? No. All right, once. No, I have a shower five days a week. Well done. I don't shower before exercise. No, people who do that are fucking mental. Too much time on their hands.

Imagine getting up, having a shower, and then going to the gym. Are you insane? How much time do people have on their hands? We had a couple come round to our house yesterday. Sounds like you ate them. Carry on. As soon as you said the venom in your voice, we had a couple come round the other day.

No, our good friends. No kids. Yeah, but you resent them. They're a couple come around the other day. No, our good friends, no kids. Yeah. But you resent them. They're Sunday, mate. They're Sunday. Go and talk to me for it.

How old are they? Uh, 42 and 35, something like that. They're Sunday. They just, they just got up late, had breakfast.

And then they came to East London just to give me my birthday present, something to do. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Lovely. But imagine having that. Then they were meeting their friends for lunch. East London just to give me my birthday present, something to do. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, lovely. But imagine having the time.

Then they were meeting their friends for lunch, and then they were going to buy T-shirts. Buy T-shirts. Going to buy T-shirts as a main trip out of the day. Imagine it, Rob. Imagine it. I don't. Imagine it.

When was the last time you went out to buy a T-shirt? I don't think I have time to even look for a T-shirt. I basically wear what I find or if I'm out and I'm like at the shops and I see a t-shirt on the side I think I'll get that because I will need it at some point shopping for t-shirts where's they going shopping for t-shirts Soho

London's happening Soho too much money too much time I'm just going to pop to Soho to buy t- London's happening, Soho. Too much money, too much time. I'm just going to pop to Soho to buy T-shirts. Who the fuck are you? Someone, Rob, who is, you know, enjoying their weekends. Someone who isn't running up and down in the park at 45-degree angles, sweating, chasing a bike. So on Sunday I had to go and do Radio 2, right,

when I was tired for getting like four five from the the breakdown trip and um lou rushed out the house with the kids she was going to her granddad's 90th birthday party or something right and then rushed and then she was like oh yeah but you've got before you go i've not walked fred you gotta walk fred right i walked fred before i left to go to work i have never been more asleep walking in my life. I remember nothing. I walked that dog. I remember nothing of it.

If there was a crime and the police said, where were you? I'd go, don't know. Ask the dog. I've got no idea where I was, what I was wearing. I was wearing the clothes next to my bed. And I think some of them were sport clothes. Some of them were, you know,

the big baggy shorts that you can't wear out. You just wear indoors. I walked that dog and I was just like, what the fuck is going on here? I was so dazed and confused. The thought of just nipping up to Soho to buy some T-shirts. Do you know how busy my life is, Rob? Right?

And this is, I think, I reckon I'm the only person who in the same week they played the o2 found the beginnings of moss on their car yeah i haven't cleaned the car so long. I'll send you a photo. I haven't cleaned the car so long. Yeah. And I've been meaning to for so long that there's now... It's hard to clean a car when you haven't got a drive. And it's like taking a bucket down the street. Yeah. No, but Rob...

Are you not doing it yourself? I go to the guys where you drive through. And it's brilliant. And it's a great trip. It is. You just sit there and you get washed in the car. And it feels all cozy. And you're in the car and you're dry.

And they're spraying you. And it's fucking brilliant. Well, do you know why that's got moss? It's because they don't wash the car with the windows down. So that has never been cleaned. No, it's only just started, that moss. They haven't washed the car in six months, Rob. Talking of cars, you know we've got that electric car.

Yeah. All right. Anyway, so Lou drove around her mate's house. Did I tell you about this the other week? No. So it was a friday um i'd been doing actually she kept on ringing me when we were interviewing someone that last friday i can't remember it jim jeffries the jim jeffries interview that's going to be out soon anyway she's ringing me ringing me i'm like i can't i'm you know interviewing

someone here um and uh anyway i answered because the car's not working it just won't turn on it's completely dead completely flat i'm like well did you charge the car's not working. It's just won't turn on. It's completely dead, completely flat. I'm like, well, did you charge the car? She went, yes, I did charge the car. I went, okay. Anyway, let me come round. So I drove round, went there, and nothing was happening. We managed to find a button to get the boot open. There was no electrics on it whatsoever.

Plugged it in to our friend's, because she's at a friend's house. She's been there all day with her kids, and now it's like 8, 9 o'clock. I'm trying to charge the car. Nothing's flickering. We messaged the AA. They go, someone will be there in an hour. kids, and now it's like 8, 9 o'clock. I'm trying to charge the car. Nothing's flickering. We message the AA. They go, someone will be there in an hour. Anyway, Lou takes the girls home. I'm waiting now at our friend's from school's house for an hour,

and I look on the little, you know, they give you a little tracker sometimes of where the car is. Yeah. A little tracker's gone. It's in Jersey, apparently. What? The little, the AA man in Jersey. What?

What is going on here? Anyway, I see it count down and i will read and it's obviously easter break everyone's trying to get away i'm sending a truck from jersey after an hour when they're supposed to be here nothing right so i'm ringing up fucking jersey exactly i went what's going on he went oh yeah um yeah it's a four hour delay i was like well why didn't you tell me that on the app what's the point of it and he went the old story we're really busy. I went, well, the little car is in Jersey.

He goes, oh, yeah, basically it goes to Jersey or an island off of Scotland if you haven't been allocated anyone yet. Oh, right. I was like, well, just not in Jersey. Don't tell me an hour then, mate. Don't tell me an hour. Anyway, he went, oh, really sorry. But then he went, I can schedule in for tomorrow morning, right? He says, I've got Easter off.

I've been working nonstop before, and we're working arena tour after, so it's quite busy either side. He went, yeah, so I can schedule in tomorrow, 7.30 a.m. I was like, okay, brilliant. That's my Easter lying gone. I was like, yeah, no, not a problem. Don't worry about it. Yeah, that's fine.

I've been looking forward to this day for ages, Josh, right? And the girls are in school, so there's no getting up for school. Now I'm up at seven driving then I'm like right okay to an electric car that can't move yeah exactly and it's to our friends and then I'm like and I message her going do not let me in don't just I haven't because it's on their drive so I'm like don't let me I'm not saying don't let me in like don't let me, I'm not saying, don't let me in. Like, don't be polite and go come in for a coffee. Oh, right, okay. I thought it was like, whatever happens, don't let me in. I've just lost the plot. If the AA man's attacking me and I'm asking, begging to come inside,

don't let me in. If I get bit by a zombie, just shoot me in the head, all right? No, but I said, don't be polite and go come in for a coffee. I'll drive there and sit in my car, wait for the AA guy, right? Anyway, so I start stirring. I'm not sleeping because I'm car, wait for the AA guy, right? Anyway, so I'm starting to do it. I'm not sleeping because I'm panicking about missing the AA man now. You know when you've got to be up early. I just can't sleep if I've got to be up early.

When you got there, were they up? Could you see them going about their day in the house and you were outside or was there out there to the world? Before that, I look at my phone. Lou sends me the link. I click on it. You know the one that was in Jersey before? Yeah.

I look at it at like quarter to seven, knowing that I've got to be up, because it's about a 15-minute drive to our friend. Look at it. The AA man is outside my house. At least he got a lift. I'm looking out the window. I see him drive past.

I'm like, at least it's accurate, this app, because he's got to drive past my house to get to us. Now I'm in a police chase. Because he's going to get there and knock on the door, isn't he? Yeah. Oh, shit. I know that. They've been fully briefed.

Get up. It's early morning. You know morning glory. I'm fully erect in a pair of shorts and a jumper. Right, okay, we don't need that, Rob. We don't need that. I'm in a rush and i've got yeah and that turns you on that no but sometimes people wake up verbona don't they thrill of the chase no no this i wake up every morning with an erection that's normal isn't it i normally think it's related to when you need a piss isn't it because

i think the the erection with sleep is the fact i'm gonna end children in the background yeah that's bad isn't it no well either way whether it's because i need to piss or not i'm up clothes on i'm in the car and i'm still hard and i'm like fingers crossed fingers crossed that dies down before i leave my life yeah yeah anyway and it did so now i'm driving and then anyway i'll ring the bloke on hands free both hands are on my dick at this time that's calmed down that's gone now

I'm fully flaccid drive along I reckon for the rest of the story we don't need to go back to the dick at this point yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah so I'm driving now

I ring the geezer he went don't don't ring the doorbell it's at a friend's house and he went okay cool so I thought that's fine all sorted get there

guy gets out it's 10 past friend's house. And he went, okay, cool. So I thought, that's, that's fine. All sorted. Get there. Guy gets out. This is, it's 10 past 7am. Good Friday. And he's like, what's the problem? I go, it's 10 past 7am.

Good Friday. That's the first problem, mate. I'm sitting here outside the house with a boner and they won't let me in. Don't just, don't let me in. Okay. Don't let me in,

I've got a boner. So, he goes, he goes, what's the problem they go right i went it had 80 battery but it's completely dead not a flicker nothing works on it then i press the unlock button car unlocks oh no get in car starts oh my god so what's the problem me i think but why is that happened so basically i went i don't know what's going on here and he went let me have a let me have a look so i pop the bonnet and basically this is quite this is interesting actually if you've got an electric car okay so i'll tune out so electric cars i'd say as a sentence this is interesting if you've got an electric car is the the least exciting way to lead into an anecdote that i've ever heard if you've got an electric car, it's the least exciting way to lead into an anecdote that I've ever heard.

If you've got an electric car, you don't want to end up with an erection at your friend's house with the AA man at 7 a.m. You might want to listen to this. So the electric car has a 48-volt battery, or bigger if you've got a bigger car, but a big battery. I can't believe we're going to do this.

Listen to me. A 48-volt battery that runs the engine, okay? It also has a 12-volt battery that runs all the electrics also has a 12 volt battery that runs all the electrics like a traditional car battery you've probably got a 12 volt battery in your little moss machine okay so basically if the electrics aren't working like the door and all that that means a 12 volts not working not the other so you know what the problem is so he knew straight away that it was a 12 volt one went there and basically it was just loose josh the connector it was the equivalent of a battery being slightly out in the back of your remote control right right so he just tightened it

could you have done that yourself like if this happens again absolutely could have done it myself and i know for future now but also anyone's got electric car and it's not turning on this is a honda e so i don't know what it's like with other electric cars, though, just has to tighten up the actual traditional 12-volt battery and it would have been fine. But it was kept on doing this, but it was getting longer and longer because it was getting looser and looser as time went on. The thing I want to know is, he goes and do your friends let you in then?

Or do you just drive off? No, so they sort of open the door, and they're like, hello, Rob, you all right? Do you want a cup of tea? No, no. What did I tell you what did i tell you absolutely not um i don't need i need a from the state of me need a cold shower that's what i need also that when i got there as well i was in such a a panic i'm not very good in the morning that i tried to lock my car and the alarm went off that woke up everyone down the street i know

and then i had to drive the electric car back and the aa man followed me then i jumped in his van and he drove me back up to pick up my car then i drove that back and then later on we went out for a pub lunch with lou and the girls and i went back that way i'd been on that road eight times that day by 2 p.m on my day off what on your day off good friday what a life oh it's another thing this also if you're listening with kids don't listen now um but you know easter yeah easter bunny yeah morning turn off now turn off now yeah so the easter bunny yeah my kids think easter bunny is like you know is a thing yeah that actually comes and brings chocolates i didn't think they believed i thought you didn't you were like fucking come on mate yeah i didn't think they were into that i didn't think they i didn't think they believed that like it was i think they just was like you

know like different times of the year you know there's like a snowman at christmas i buy i buy kids believing in father christmas and the tooth fairy i'm always a bit like come on now yeah borderline but fair enough easter bunny's insane yeah it's a bunny fuck off there's no backstory well at Santa. There's a black man, elves, magic, Rudolph with bunnies. It's like, it's not a fucking rabbit. Yeah. What is this? It's barely mentioned.

And then it's just a way of like, so we did a Easter egg hunt. So we got up. We hadn't done the hunt yet. Yeah. And then my daughter was like, so last year I did an Easter egg hunt where I drew the different places and they went from one to the other. Really good. really good stuff. Oh, I'll talk to you about drawing again in a minute, Rob,

if you're interested. Oh, absolutely. Really good stuff. So I drew the things. And then this year she was like, are we going to do another Easter egg hunt? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Easter bunny will draw the things.

And she was like, but you drew them last year. And I was like yeah yeah yeah the Easter bunny will draw the things and she was like but you drew them last year and I was like what and then she went you told me and I was like when did I fucking tell her I didn't know I don't know if she was playing a trick on me she's trying to get it out of me anyway this year she was like I want the Easter bunny to do my hunt so we'll all have to go upstairs and then mummy and this is her saying it not me um bumbo which is what she calls her gran her rose's mum bumbo bumbo why bumbo because rose calls her mumbo and it just she could only say bumbo when she started so it's one of those things that stuck what's the rules on this do you refer to her as bumbo or do you just say her name i call her sam so but what about if you say, would you say,

oh, Sam's coming to look after you today? No, I'd say Bumbo's coming. Right, but you call her Sam to her face, but you refer to her as Bumbo. Yeah, it'd be weird if I called her Bumbo. Hey, Bumbo. Yeah, it feels like, oh, actually my skin's crawling at that, Rob. Okay, fair enough. But you refer to her as Bumbo,

Sam to her face. Yeah. A bit like my father-in-law. He's called Amps. But I forget, because I'll be like, oh, Grandad Ampy, whatever you call him, is coming.

Lose Dad. I sort of forget, because they've still got their great-grandad, who's called, like, Great Ampy. I'm like, I don't know. I can't keep up all these days. This is a good one for emails. What are the weirdest family names that your kids call people for great it's normally grandparents isn't it or it could be cousins and uncles as well but

if there's weird names for grandparents especially let us know so we got bumbo and amps and ampi yeah i my grandma's cool i called my grandma first name gin, Gin. Virginia. Gin. Virginia. Virginia. Ginny Gin. Anyway, sorry, Easter Bunny. Yes, we all had to go upstairs while Bumbo and Mummy, as she called them, tidied downstairs. Obviously, they're putting out the Easter Bunny. Obviously, they're putting out the Easter Bunny. I absolutely didn't think they believed.

No, I didn't either. I just didn't think they did. My daughter was like, oh, so where's Easter Bunny? They were going, oh, I'm scared. I don't want to go to bed. I'm scared. I'm like, why?

Because Easter Bunny's going to come. I don't want the bunny to come into my room. Can the bunny leave him downstairs? She was like, yeah, if you want. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, I think she left him

in my boot in an Aldi carrier bag, actually. Which is handy if you don't want her in the room. I can tell you 100% the Easter Bunny won't be in your room tonight. I can tell you that. Do not even waste a second of worry on the Easter Bunny creeping around. Yeah. Right.

Shall we do a small business shout-out? Oh, no, drawing. Oh, yeah, I was going to tell you about drawing. Do you want me to tell you about drawing? Or do you want to tell me on Friday? Why don't I bloody tell you on Friday, Rob? We're such teasers. We're learning the trade.

Tease them to the next step. Yeah, exactly. I think it might need more. I don't know if this is going to be like someone's going to be on Thursday going, fucking hell, I've got to get home because tomorrow night is the big drawing anecdote. Is there any extra? I'll just tell you, Rob, that I'm broadening my horizons.

I'm learning a new skill. Oh, I like this. Okay. Drawing. Anyway, I've given it away, but all the evidence was there. That's the problem. Oh, so you're learning to draw. Let's save it for fucking Friday, Rob.

All right, okay, so small business shout-out. Here we go. I've got one here. Here we go. Hi, Rob and Josh. I'd love it if you could give a small business shout out. Here we go. I've got one here. Here we go. Hi, Rob and Josh. I'd love it if you could give a small business shout out for my sister who left the corporate world a few months ago to start a full-time business called Grazy Pickle, spelled G-R-A-Z-E-Y, Pickle, P-I-C-K-L-E.

They create the most amazing and Instagrammable grazing-style boards and tables, including charcuterie cheese mediterranean inspired delicacies and everything in between for all occasions everything is made from scratch and they really are a work of art the business is based in brumley brumley big up south east london and they cover all areas of london their Instagram handle is at grazy pickle g-r-a-z-e-y pickle thank you so much um they actually look pretty good this have you seen it I think you'd love this Josh I think it could be quite East London oh keep talking crazy pickle hi Rob and Josh thanks for all the hours of belly laughs what What? You're not looking at Grazy Pickle?

I'll be honest, I wasn't listening. How are you smelling crazy? Like crazy? G-R-A-Z-E-Y. Did you listen to anything I said in that small business? No, I was looking for my own one. I was followed by Rob Beckett Comedy. Yeah, I know.

You're not slow about chucking someone a follow, are you? You've only been known about them for a minute. I try and do that with the small businesses because I engage with it, Josh. I don't just switch off. I didn't switch off. I was switching on to my own small business. Oh, this does look good. Try them a follow.

They're not following us. They're following you, but not me. Unfollow. they're not following us they're following you but not me unfollow look let's be honest josh there's people that listen to this because of you and there's people that listen to this because of me and they put up with both of us yeah but i'd have had grazy pickle the cheese and charcuterie grazing box is down as widdicombe fans 100 yeah true to be fair oh dear anyway higed it. Anyway, go on. Hi, Rob and Josh.

Thanks for all the hours of belly laughs. I'd really appreciate a small business shout-out for my little swim school, Kimberley Swim Clinics. I hope your kids are still progressing well with their swimming. We're London-based, so get them booked in with us to hone their skills. It's too far for me.

We offer intensive swim clinics to southwest London for children aged three and over. Too far. But if you do live in Southwest London, it's perfect. If you could guarantee me an Olympic medal, I still wouldn't drive into Southwest London. SW17, that's Tooting Stroke Wandsworth Common Area for school holidays. Too far. But if you're local, get involved.

Our group sizes are small. Maximum of four swimmers per teacher. All our teachers are passionate about ensuring children have a great experience in the water and are invested in their progress. Our clinics are running Tuesday, the 30th of May to Friday, the 2nd of June, summer half term. Find out more at Kimberly, K-I-M-B-E-R-L-E-Y, swimclinics.co.uk. Sign up for our mailing list to get info on how to book. Also, I follow one of you on Instagram.

Thank you, Kimberly. Good stuff. Right. Good stuff. See you Friday. how to book also i follow one of you on instagram thank you kimberly good stuff right good stuff see you friday oh to talk about your new skill that's drawing yeah i look forward to it cool did i just yawn my way out of the episode there yeah are you aware what you're what's happening i'm just tired rob i'm really tired what's up why are you tired genuinely that gig took it out of me so much that i've been a zombie all weekend. Well, that's encouraging that we've got four gigs in a row coming up. No,

but it's because it was the first one. I left it all out there, but now I'm rebuilding. Yeah. Okay. Fair enough. Cool. All right then.

See you on Friday. Bye.