Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP30: I accidentally weed in the bidet...

Episode Date: April 21, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] We're going on tour!! Fancy seeing the podcast live in some of the best venues in the UK? Of course you do, you're not made of stone! Tickets available now on the dates and at the venues below. We can't wait to see you there... ON SALE NOW  14th April 2023 - Manchester AO Arena 19th April 2023 - Nottingham 20th April 2023 - Cardiff  21st April 2023 - London (The O2) 23rd April 2023 - London (Wembley) 28th April 2023 - Birmingham Utilita Arena  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parents in hell with coco can you say rob beckett and josh widdickham well done say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And Josh Whittakin? Josh Whittakin. Well done. And Daisy, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And Daisy, can you say Josh Whittakin? Josh Whittakin. Now let Daisy do it. Can you say Josh Whittakin? Josh Whittakin.

Daisy, can you say it? Josh Whittakin. Josh Whittakin. That's what they all love to do. I'm going to say that's Wellington, New Zealand. Auckland. Auckland. Auckland, New Zealand. This is Coco.

I think I'd move to Australia or New Zealand. I love the people so much. Well, London's angry, isn't it? Yeah, it is very relaxed, isn't it? Do you think it's the sun? I do think... The wide open spaces? The first two New Zealanders I met wereared christmas who's an absolute legend and penny the makeup person on

i'm a celebrity get me out of here right and she's really fun and she goes my name's peen hi i'm peen love it love it she's stacy solomon's does stacy solomon's makeup now what from from new Zealand? Long brush? Good, oh yeah. Yeah, you can enjoy that. I think she just sort of lives in North London and Stacey's Essex now. Fine, fine.

Ruined the joke. It's quite far, but I think it's doable. Yeah. It's about 45. She drives and stuff. So did she... We should set the scene. We're in Cardiff.

So we're doing a correspondent special on tour together. Yeah. We're in Michael's hotel room. Yeah, in Cardiff. So we're doing a correspondent special on tour together. Yeah. We're in Michael's hotel room. Yeah. In Cardiff. Looking out over the vista of Cardiff. Over the bay I can see the sort of big shiny bronze thing that I think is some sort of

government building. Is that the Millennium Centre? Yeah. I think it is. I don't know what that means. No. I think maybe that's their parliament. I don't think it is.

Or Marky Drakeford. Is that their parliament? I think that's where he rocks around. Is it That's his gap And then I'd say It's weird to have a big wheel That's smaller than the buildings

Yeah Because I'd say The point of a big wheel Oh yeah It's not even as big as the The Millennium Centre Yeah I'd say If you want a big wheel

The point of a big wheel is You get in the big wheel And you look over the city Yeah Not into the window of the Penultimate floor Of the Millennium Centre. What a lovely view of the guttering on that building.

If it is a political place, it's like that's how they'll find the kind of wrongdoing. They'll go up there and they'll see someone shredding some documents. It's lovely to be in Cardiff. I love Cardiff. Do you? I love Wales. Top three cities in Britain

Excluding London Because you claim to live there Oh top three cities I love Manchester Yeah I love York Oh love York What a railway museum

Newcastle's great Yeah I love South Wales in general Do you? All along the coast Oh talk to me about Pembrokeshire mate It's the greatest place You get to the end Pembrokeshire Is that South Wales in general. Do you? All along the coast. Oh, talk to me about Pembrokeshire, mate. It's the greatest place. You get to the end, Pembrokeshire.

Is that South Wales? Yeah, Southwest Wales. Yeah, beautiful. You just keep going. Beautiful. I love that. Cornwall gets a bit narrow for me, and the driving's hard work.

I know you love it. No. That's where you live. The driving, it's not where I live or where I'm from. Same place, Devon, Cornwall. What else do I like? Kent, I can take or leave, even though I live there. Do you know what?

Bristol's nice. Yeah, Bristol's a good city. We're offending people now, but not saying they're saying that. Yeah, yeah, we like everywhere. Oh, absolutely. Wherever you're from. Anyway, Josh, how are you? Are you good?

I'm very good, actually. I'm feeling fresh. I've pumped some iron this morning. Yeah, I haven't pumped any iron yet. I'm going to go for a walk in a bit. I've got, like, you laughed at my outfit. Yeah, it's just because you're dressed a bit like, you know, when you see a footballer milling around a hotel. Really? Yeah.

In a good way, just sort of like... You've got your baseball cap, your football, your Valencia FC baseball cap, CF. Charity shops, St. Christopher's Hospice, Petswood,wood thank you very much there we go uh your adidas training top yeah well the shorts are a new balance shorts they're short when you're in that seat you've got good thighs actually have i i bet you're good on the old peloton aren't you uh yeah but mainly because i'm fat and heavy you know one of them ones you know the output's massive just because i'm better uphill because i can just right my weight onto it. Fair enough, yeah.

And you're less short. You've really gone with all the different sporting brands. Yeah. Are you supposed to have the same brand? That's the thing, isn't it? No, I don't know. I've got Adidas, Elise, Hocker Trainers, New Balance. Also, how do you feel about this?

I've got these shorts shorts for like walking or running that have got like a little pouch lining yeah yeah no pants oh no I don't like that is that allowed I don't like that

well how often you watch washing the shorts after every time I wear them what do you mean yeah yeah yeah one wear

and then well I think I used to have material on my life the netting pant and shorts to be honest if I'm away on tour I might wear them two days in a row.

Here we go. But only for sport activity. Yeah, well, when I see you tomorrow, I'll be thinking about your dirty little dick. So no changes for normal. Lovely. Lovely. So we're going to do correspondence today. Yeah, let's go for it.

Right. We haven't done correspondence for a bit because we've been blabbering on about, oh, my self-care. Stuff like that. Yeah, yeah. All that fucking bullshit. Let's man up and do some. I'm a little better now. Boring, mate.

Boring. No one wants to hear you happy. No, exactly. That's not what we're here for. Hi, Rob and Josh. Please make sure you keep this anonymous. Well, it says from a non, so it's difficult not to. As I can't be known as the one that let my

friend's secret out always a good start i do you know what i think anonymous gutless just go for it yeah just you'll be liberated okay so steve writes i have a friend right steve right anonymous i have a friend who has kept every single item of clothing, including shoes from her son since the day he was born. Fine. Yeah. He's now a teenager. Every single item of clothing. Well, let's slowly go into this, right?

Are you happy with that? You're thinking that's borderline. I feel like keeping all of it. I sort of feel like when they're growing up, because I get, we've got a few bits that we bought together before the baby was born. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Friends bought that are quite, was born yeah friends bought that

are quite oh that isn't that lovely that you might want to hand down to grandkids however that we have bought loads of stuff that's just been covered in poo dirt like well just basic well it's interesting you say that her house loft and sheds are completely full of it but that is not the most strange thing not only is it clothing shoes the umbilical cord etc but no don't you chuck in umbilical cord etc at the end yeah that's weird isn't it who is this sick witch but she has also kept her child's very first sodden nappy i this is a cry for help this you can't be anonymous it's like when a criminal confesses to a crime with a psychologist they've got a duty of care to tell the police that's right a crusty poop filled nappy that is about 16 years old is in her storage

i was so shocked when she told me this i didn't know who to tell other than you guys so what take care i love the podcast from anon what is she keeping that she's too ashamed to tell about then yeah i don't know like well there's nothing worse than a i suppose after a number of years it's probably not as bad it's just so bad if you found us like it's the worst thing imaginable no no no but i'd prefer to find a nappy that is 16 years old than a month old do you know what i mean i imagine it's just gone crispy like finding a kind of mummy do you know what i mean i i imagine it's just gone crispy like finding a kind of mummy do you know what i mean human shit's human shit to me yeah and at no point will i be happy to see i'm not so i'm not defending it i'm just saying but what i get the clothe every item of clothe

what just our pair of like the odd socks it's just when are you going through imagine that poor husband in the loft you've got to remember. Get the Christmas decorations out. Yeah, just wading through human shit and I'll pop them down. And also, now her son's 16, what age has she stopped? Because a 16-year-old's not going to want you

to keep his clothes. It is interesting keeping stuff. I keep stuff, like for the parenting hell tour, I've got the access all areas pass. That's absolutely fine. You haven't got a pair of pants you shit yourself in

on the way back to the hotel. Is that why you're not wearing pants? Well, last night I was so tired I got up at 2am. My hotel room's got a bidet. I'd have pissed in that. Oh my word. I thought, this is weird.

Look at where my leg's wet. And then I look to the right and there's an actual toilet. I've told you the time I pissed myself in Australia haven't I? With Jetlag. Why not? Why not here again? I woke up in the time I pissed myself in Australia haven't I with jet lag why not hear it again I woke up in the middle of the night needed a wee or jet lagged

and I walked to the toilet just wearing my pants and I was so tired that I forgot to get my dick out and just pissed myself oh yeah you have time like that it's a worrying sign all of that's worrying that's mad isn't it do you keep much?

Not like that. I tell you what, moving out and having a skip and being brutal is so liberating. We take loads of stuff to charity shops and stuff like that and donate a lot of buggies and things like that. But we've kept some clothes.

Only like a box of clothes. And I've got a box of stuff from gigs and things like that. But not too much. Yeah, I've got like a box of stuff that's like career stuff. Yeah like a box of stuff that's like career stuff yeah a box of stuff that's like my daughter's stuff it's like going through the pictures but she does she draws lots so you can't just go we're gonna keep this yeah i definitely

keeping some clothes i've got loads of little football shirts i bought them that they never wore but i'll keep them because they're cute yeah for that but just like a pair of dungarees yeah just you're never gonna look at it no do you think you're ever gonna have a day where you sit I bought them that they never wore but I'll keep them because they're cute stuff like that but just like a pair of dungarees yeah you're never going to look at it no do you think you're ever going to have a day where you sit down

and go through your box of career stuff and go I'm glad I kept that pass for the channel 4 comedy gala at the O2 in 2013 I think yes

do you because imagine like imagine if your grandad had a box yeah maybe I think and he did the London Palladium in 1927. And you'd be like, what happened there? And then I think you...

I think that when people say, I've done the London Palladium, what the fuck's happened there? Is that a booking error? But that's easy to keep. I've got about hundreds of lanyards of different stuff. But I think it's fine to keep stuff, but not sodded nappies. No. It's insane. Yeah, there's got to be a line drawn.

Yeah. Okay. And it's human shit. Yeah. Here we go. What have we got here? Do you want a Knowles House Party boomer story? Just a bit.

Okay. Dear Rob and Josh, this actually says, this is a great one for Josh. There are plenty of tales of my partner Alan's dad, Mike, winding him and his brothers up when they were kids. But my favourite has to be the time he told Alan they were going to be on Noel's house party. Oh, no, that's unfair. Do you remember when the part of the show was when Noel would click his fingers and a family watching at home would appear on the telly? Yeah.

Yeah. So they cut into, I remember they did Chris Evans once. Yeah. Noel would do that. And it would be shot from like they obviously like from where the video was maybe below the tv yeah and there was always shocked and surprised there was a rumor but i don't know why this wouldn't have made why there was a rumor someone was once wanking what do you mean and it went on the telly why why that's such a bullshit rumor because it

would have been on the telly oh no i think, I think the rumour was... Have you heard this rumour, Michael? No, right. All right. How would Michael know this rumour? Because it's like a TV rumour, I think. Oh, yeah, and I'm not on TV. No, no, no, you are, but it's not... Oh, yeah, why don't you ask me about it then?

Ask me, ask me. No, you didn't know about it. It was clear you didn't... Ask me what you asked Michael. Okay. Have you heard the rumour that there was someone wanking on MTV? No, carry on.

No, but I was across that. Unbelievable. I'm joking. Yeah, right. So, I heard a rumour that someone was wanking on MTV. No, carry on. No, but I was across that. Unbelievable. I'm joking. Yeah, right. So, I heard a rumour that someone was wanking. Yeah. But I just don't believe how that would work. Well, you just get your knob out and just rub it up and down a bit.

What, watching Noel's House Party? Wow. If you're into gunge. Yeah. Mr. Blobby. Anyway, sorry about that. That was really good. It's trigger warning if you listen to the kids.

Yeah. Too late. Too late. Too late. Oh, here we go. Anyway, like I say, the moment where he'd click his trigger warning if you listen to the kids. Yeah. Too late. Too late. Too late. Oh, here we go. Anyway, like I say, the moment where he'd click his fingers and people at home had been secretly filmed on the telly. Anyway, Mike went to the trouble of hiding loads of wires

and a fake camera equipment in the living room. Oh, that's really unfair. Twisted them around a house plant by the TV, et cetera. He pointed them out to Alan, his son, and said, son, don't tell anyone, but on Saturday, we're going to be on Noel's house party. Alan had just started his local comprehensive secondary school. Oh, fuck off. He didn't tell them, did on Saturday we're going to be on Noel's house party. Alan had just started his local comprehensive secondary school. Oh, fuck off.

He didn't tell them, did he? Keen to earn some street cred. Oh, no. And what would be a greater privilege for a child of the 90s to divulge a secret to his classmates and told them to make sure they were all tuned in. Rose is ringing me.

His friends actually arranged to gather at one of their houses. Shall I get this? Rose is ringing me. What does she want? Hello? Hello, we're just recording a podcast. Oh, I'm sorry about that.

It's all right. I'll leave you to it. Oh, okay. No, no, what do you want, Rose? It's all right. It's content, isn't it? No, I don't. I don't think it's podcast appropriate.

Oh, no, is it bad news? No, it's not bad news, but I think you've basically got your bank card and I think you need to put the money in your account. Okay. I think it's definitely podcast appropriate. Okay, I'll transfer some money across. I'm trying to pay for my leg wax.

Your mum was fun last night, Rose. It's all content. Yeah, thanks. She messaged me and said, well, I've just been roasted. What was that? What was that after the show?

What drew you to the show? And she said that she could only think of, she panicked and she just said porridge. Yeah, but it was good. It was great. It went down well.

I said, what's the best thing about Josh's a sunny lawn? She said, he's good at making porridge. He's good at making porridge. To be fair, he is really good at making porridge. There we go. This is good.

He is. Yeah. Fair enough. I'm absolutely furious that she didn't have any this morning. Well, good you not made porridge. Oh, we've run out of oats. Yeah, we've run out of flaxseed because we've got an East London child. Yeah.

Yeah. I'll move some money into my account now. Can you move some money so I can pay for my leg work? Yeah, unbelievable Alright, bye Do you think like Michael McIntyre and Lee Evans have this on their arena tours? They must do

I don't know Anyway, so right, Knowles House party Yeah, I'm listening I'm just transferring some money Okay, how much for a leg wax? You're going to transfer the exact amount no no no no no it's just transferring money into the current account from the savings account right okay yeah okay yeah yeah just in case anyone was full financially no just in case anyone was worried

you're all right mate absolutely cleaned out. Anyway, so he started his local school and his friends gathered at another person's house to watch. Oh, no, that's unfair. Now, picture the scene. Alan and his family huddled on the sofa, the excitement building as they get closer to Alan's moment of glory. Noel clicks his fingers and it's an entirely different family altogether. Fucking hell.

That's awful. Mike is in hysterics bastard and alan is heartbroken he runs up to his room crying yeah rightly so yeah and everyone in school thinks he's a massive liar i think the psychological scars from this incident run deep thanks for the many hours of listening oh my god that's cruel when breastfeeding was a full-time job podcast with my savior becca a 442 months 442-month-old from Sheffield. That is cruel. That's horrible.

So what's her relationship to Alan and Mike? I think that might have been his wife. Yeah, her partner, Alan. Oh, my God. Poor old Alan. Of poor old Alan. That might be a good one. Biggest lies told at school.

If anyone's got biggest lies. Oh, yeah. There's a kid in my class that told me he won McDonald's Monopoly. Did he? And won 20 grand. Fuck. And he was just lying about how he was spending it. It's mad, isn't it?

And he said he had siblings. And he didn't. Oh, God. It's sad, isn't it? But he did have The Sims. And I went around to play it. And it blew my mind. There was a liar at my school.

And he said he had... He used to lie loads. And then he stole my my um copy of sensible world of soccer he renamed it ruthless world of soccer yeah unbelievable um anyway but do you reckon that's because they're not getting enough attention at home don't know some people just like the buzzer line yeah it's like's like stealing, isn't it? Kids like, like teenagers like stealing, don't they? For the rush. For the rush.

Yeah, I never really stole. I used to get, I would be too scared. I wasn't a thief. No, no, neither was I really. I wanted to rebel against my dad. That was my act of rebellion. Hi, Rob and Josh. Love the podcast.

Have been listening since the start and it kept me sane. During lockdown, as a dad of two now teenage daughters, and josh love the podcast have been listening since the start and it kept me sane during lockdown as a dad of two now teenage daughters eva 16 and izzy 13 your latest bit about kids saying old person things reminded me of something eva said when she was four she was in the toilet and shouted downstairs that there was no loo roll left i dutifully grabbed one from downstairs and took it up to her with her grateful response being oh daddy thank you you're such a gentleman oh that's nice that's nice isn't it that's better than keeping a shitty nappy isn't it and he's uh he's reminiscing about that with a 16 year old yeah she's not she's not calling him

a gentleman these days well i i keep thinking that as our kids grow up we'll be like oh maybe there's not enough to talk about for the pod and stuff like that everything i'm hearing it gets worse and there's more things to worry about yeah yeah i know it's gonna be interesting isn't it i don't know what's gonna happen but then you know you live in little places they're the place with the biggest heroin problems so no one's getting bored in Hackney. I had no idea what you were going to say then. And I could never have guessed it would go down the heroin route. Yeah, that is true though, isn't it? Yeah.

Okay. All right. Playdate from hell? Yep. Hi, Rob and Josh. Listening to the episode about playdates from hell, I wanted to tell you about one I endured this half term just gone. A friend of my eight-year-old daughter

was due to come over on the Friday at the end of half term. Her mother texted me the evening before. The text went like this. Hi, how's half term going? Phil, that's her husband, not his real name, will drop off their kid tomorrow morning.

Whatever her name is, she's removing names to keep anonymous. Will drop off their kid tomorrow morning. Hope it's okay if it's before 9am. That we'll drop off there kids tomorrow morning hope it's okay if it's before 9am that's early isn't it yeah it's early that's too early

for a play date you say when do you want them that's the rules of a play date yeah we'll have them over you ring up

or text and go what time what time do you want them yeah not if you don't pick the time anyway I'm thinking fucking hell really

but wait that's not all another message also would you mind not bringing her back until, really? But wait, that's not all. Another message. Also, would you mind not bringing her back until after 5.30pm? Because that's when Phil finishes work. Oh, my word. This isn't a play date.

This is childcare. Yeah. At this point, I generally thought this must be a joke. But then another text comes through. I'm in the Cotswolds checking on my ill mother. Now there's guilt. Oh, my word. Yeah. Now, what am I to do? I i have two toddlers at home as well as my eight-year-old and now her friend all day wait is it the eight-year-old's friend yeah is there a world in which the eight-year-old having a friend will make

it easier well and their kid is not easy either oh my word a proper feral one theeral one. The kind that walks into your kitchen, opens your fridge without asking, then starts giving you shit for not having better snacks. But I'm pretty sure the dad can't work from home, and the ill mother bit made me say, okay, I'll do it. He's a good person. Right, yeah, fine. Anyway, the dad drops off at 8.30 the next morning, and bloody says, my boss said if I need to work at home today, then I should.

So I think I will. Enjoy a bit of peace and quiet. See you at 5.30. Unbelievable. I just stood there shocked as he disappeared into his car. What should I have done? Or am I the one who's unreasonable? Please tell me I'm not.

Needless to say, the 10 hours of my kid and my three at the end of half term damn nearly killed me. Right, so what would you do in this situation? me i'm not needed to say the 10 hours of my kid and my three at the end of half term dan damn nearly kill me right so what would you do in this situation um tell me how you deal with that and i'll tell you how i'll deal with it well we both know i'd 100 accept it and grumble grumble i'd put it into my phone notes thinking at least i've got something to talk about on the podcast the three kids the two toddlers is so they're twins, the toddlers? Yeah, I think she might have like a one-year-old, three-year-old or four-year-old. I mean, it's not going to be an easy day anyway, so you might as well, in my head, I'm like...

It's more the disrespect. Yeah. It's not, what you want for that message is, hi, you said you're having her for a play date. What's your plan for the day because i need to go to the cotswold to see my mum he's unwell phil needs to work so i can try and find some child care in the morning afternoon i just want to work out what we're doing that's what they should have said but it depends how well you know phil and the wife what i'd say is the way i deal with this when they send that first text is nine okay i'd respond and go um

send that first text is nine okay i'd respond and go um yeah i've got some errands to run and i can do my errands in the morning or afternoon oh yeah that's best for you because drop her at nine but i'll drop her back about one ish or drop her at one ish and i can drop her right back around five yeah that's good and then you have to take control of the situation with a lie people will people will take the piss josh yeah people will take the piss, Josh. Yeah, people will take the piss. And do you know why I know that? Because if I wanted to, I could. I'm that personality. I can bulldoze you with bullshit. And before you know it, you're looking after my kids for two days.

And then I come home and go, I'll find this and leave. And you're going, what happened there? So it takes one to know one. So you've got to try and, you know. It's good that you've used your powers for good. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because that could be awful.

You could be. Horrible. You could have been either Batman or you could have been, well, he hasn't got any powers. Bad example. Which is, yeah. Superman or the person Superman fights against. Great analogy there. I don't like superhero movies.

They're shit. I don't after that description. Rubbish. Awful. Next one. Boomer. Boomer. Hi, you sexy and relatable bastards. When my sister and I were around seven and nine,

we'd been begging my mum and stepdad for a kitten for ages. One evening, my stepdad, who was meant to be at work, and this is interesting, because obviously you're moving to the country, Rob. Yes. So there's a lot of animal... I was going to say animal lust. That's the wrong word.

That's... Yeah. Animal... Have I got to fuck a sheep because I'm going to say animal lust. That's the wrong word. That's, that's, that's animal. Have I got to fuck a sheep? Cause I'm going to the country. No, you haven't got to fuck it. You haven't got to. But you could. You could. You can.

No, but you've got the opportunity now to get animal, more animals than your dog and your cat. Yeah, so they've got a bit more space. No, I haven't got like. I think you're heading in pony direction, really. Two small girls. There's definitely. I think I've got the space for some chickens you don't need space for ponies you just need to rent two goats maybe yeah why not i could have

chickens or two goats or one tiny pony one time so would you what they'd lay the eggs and you'd bring in the eggs and you'd have an omelette from your chicken's own eggs oh my word i'd like to do yeah but i'm not there and then take your chickens because you have to go in every morning yeah what do you have to do there i the only time i've ever seen anyone in charge of chickens was in big brother one do you know marjorie the chicken yeah yeah you have to you have to go in get the eggs you have to check on them chop up clean them out clean them out now and again and make sure it's all secure from the foxes

oh that's the big one that's the big one and because I'm not properly countryside I've got like no shit I'm like on the border because I'm still

inside the M25 I've got like there's ghetto foxes knocking about yeah yeah yeah there's ones that have seen a high street right yeah yeah

and they're a bit more you know limpy this feels like This feels like there's a Channel 4 show and Rob Beckett moves to the country, doesn't it?

I'd prefer one that paid better. Like Disney or Netflix or something. I don't, when I hear Rob Beckett moves to the country, I don't think Netflix. I'll be honest.

Do you know what's going to come out of it? A fucking great stand-up show. Oh no, do you know what, Rob? It's Channel 5. Channel 5, love the countryside episodes yeah absolutely beck in the countryside he's got channel five right there you you just grabbed your phone as if you're about

to text your agent just ring someone now no i don't really want to do genuinely though i'm in the sort of i'm more i'm basically in a village with a slightly bigger garden i'm not i haven't got a farm like clark or J.B.'s. No, no, no, you're not Clarkson's farm. No, not at all. He's got about a thousand acres, hasn't he? Yeah. We digressed.

So my bet's on ponies. Oh, yes. One evening. You're starting to talk about animal lust. Yeah, sorry. One evening, my stepdad, who was meant to be at work, rang the house phone and told us there was a gift left outside on the patio.

We both lost our shit, knowing it must be a kitten we'd been nagging for yes so excitedly we ran outside to see a cardboard box placed by the window squealing like the seven and nine year old girls we basically were um we rushed forward and tore the top of the box open to see what can only be described as absolute carnage in the box. Oh my God. No. Blood splattered everywhere and the poor baby cat lying completely still.

No. We immediately burst into tears, crying and howling. The kitten's dead. After several minutes, but what felt like hours, my stepdad jumped outside from his hiding place and screamed with laughter. He'd bought a fur hat from a charity shop and covered it in ketchup. They used it to trick us

into thinking our new kitten had been massacred. What? That's not funny. It's fair to say our stepdad was an absolute prick and our mum eventually left him. It's fine to not keep me anonymous. Donna Constance from South Wales. Yes, Donna.

Amazing. What a bastard. Unbelievable. Oh, that is horrible. to not keep me anonymous donna constance from south wales yes donna amazing bastard unbelievable oh that is horrible yeah i got jumped out on by my cousins at a family event i was like eight and i was walking back to my mum's chalet and then he's like six foot two jumps from on a bush and scream it's horrible i don't like pranks i just and then they go you'd cry and they go oh what's wrong with him grow up toughen up you're like and And they go, oh, what's wrong with him? Grow up, toughen up. And I used to think, oh, maybe I'm just a bit weak and pathetic. And I'm not a real grown up. And then I got to grown up.

I thought, no, you're a prick. Totally agree. Absolute prick. It's why, even if I'd been good at rugby, I wouldn't have played it. Because I don't like that atmosphere. I don't want to someone to fucking you know throw me in a bin or something for a laugh your knob in a pint and drink it the rugby team at university they had to so the first thing they had to do yeah they got dropped

off four miles from manchester and this is quite funny, actually, to be fair. Good lads. Yeah, legends. Legends. No, so you dropped off four miles from Manchester. And you had to run back. And you could choose either your shoes or your pants as your only thing. Good stuff. Okay, so that would get you on the sexual sex offenders register. Yeah, which would you choose?

Four miles. I think I'd go, I think I'd have pants on yeah so do i i'd rather just walk barefoot than have a knob out yeah i think i'd take a ultimate frisbee or something i'd probably just get a cab home and just not not be a part of a team i wonder if there's great english rugby players that have been lost because they're not up for awful bants. Well, I got into the... Have you done Rob and Romesh versus rugby? No, we haven't.

We probably will end up doing that at some point. We've done... Well, I got into the football team at uni. I say uni, Canterbury Christ Church University College Polytechnic. Yeah. Where I was doing tourism management. Yeah. With a UCAS score of seven.

How many points you got? Just the three. I'll be all right. Anyway, I got into the football team, but I couldn't get on board with the banter and the laddiness and the group. And we all had to wear like suits to go. Oh, grow up. I didn't have a suit.

I couldn't afford a suit. On the Wednesday night, there was the AU, the Athletics Union Disco thing. That was like a big student night out and everyone would go and all the fucking sports teams would be in their suits i hated it grow up yeah you're 19 stop wearing a suit you're not 40 wednesday night why just to go oh i'm in a team you fucking losers learn to stand on your

own neediness isn't it pathetic anyway come to our shows we're doing where you can watch a show all right i've got this one about taking kids to the football i imagine you're going to want to take your kids when they're old i'm really torn on what i'm going to do about football so i want to take my girls but i want to wait until they're old enough to know what's going on where are you going to take them i want to take them crystal palace so they support their local team and because i wish i was taken palace and i was a palace fan but so you're going to take them to Palace? Yeah, because one, it's easier to get to and from.

I might take them Bromley as well, a bit of non-league. Because I liked Arsenal because I loved Ian Wright at Palace. Then he went to Arsenal. I never went to football, so I just watched it on the TV. That's when Sky and Premier League.

And I feel like you should support your local team. So I had a season ticket at Arsenal. Are you going to get your... I mean, my daughter, I know, already isn't interested. No. So I'm already 50 ticket at Arsenal. Are you going to get your... I mean, my daughter, I know, already isn't interested. No. But so I'm already 50% down on that. And they're like, would you take your son to watch Plymouth?

I'm like, no. Why would I give... I don't want him to have to support a team that is a seven-hour round trip from his house. But I take it. But our local team's West Ham. We're not going there. Why not? Because the stadium is the most lifeless place on earth

it's unbearable it's awful good luck getting a taxi in East London no mate every West Ham fan's fucking told me that it's awful oh really

yeah yeah yeah well Leighton Orient yeah but they're like the same level as I don't want to know whether I want to adopt because obviously

my dad supported Liverpool. When we started going to watch Plymouth, he had Plymouth and Liverpool and they were different levels. Arsenal, Tottenham? Oh, I don't know. Oh, I don't know, Rob. Millwall? Yeah, fucking Millwall.

Let's do it. He needs to look after himself. He's grown up in Hackney. Anyway, so this is taking kids to the football. Hello, Josh and Rob. I wanted to tell you a story about the time I took my two sons then aged five and seven

to their first proper football match this is sort of my kids age so I'm sort of thinking of taking them next I might take them to a pre-season game

yeah because I remember going to Argyle and there was a small kid and it was their first game and the moment something big happened and everyone they just burst into tears

and had to leave so you the first time you've got to get it right. Right. So he took one of five and seven. A few years back, my brother and I decided to take the boys to watch West Ham versus Man United at the London Stadium. Yeah. The most soulless place on earth. We're West Ham fans.

My brother managed to score two pairs of tickets in different parts of the ground. We arrived at the ground. Which would be six miles from each other because the ground was so big. You do live in East London, mate. You need to be careful about this. I just wish West Ham still played at Upton Park. That would be great. I went to Upton Park a few times.

It's brilliant. It was a brilliant stadium. We arrived at the ground, very excited, took a boy each off, and we went to find our seats. My brother had given me the heads up that my tickets came from his mate at work and were quite close to the away end. Finding our seats, it turns out he wasn't lying oh no me and my five-year-old son were basically sat a block away from the away fans surrounded surrounded by nasty bastard thugs oh my god

spent the entire match ignoring the game and just hurling abuse at the man united oh yeah i know exactly and they hate each other yeah and who in turn reciprocated by throwing coins and the C word. Oh my word. I'd say the coins is worse in that situation. My son at the time thought it was brilliant as he managed to find at least 12p and 2p on the ground. Fearing of our safety after 20 minutes, I found a steward

who directed us to a couple of unoccupied seats a bit further away where we were able to watch with relative safety. Fast forward to the next day where we were able to watch with relative safety. Fast forward to the next day, and we were playing football in the back garden. Louis scored a decent goal past me, and as he wheeled away to celebrate, he looked me in the eyes, arms aloft,

and shouted, You're fucking shit. You're fucking shit. You're fucking shit. You're fucking shit. He's going to love football. That kid's going to love going to the football. My first game was Arsenal-Tottenham.

Oh, wow. And we were by the way ending them. A chair got thrown at me. Oh, my God. A bit taken aback. I asked him why he said that to me. He told me he heard it at the football yesterday. And that's what he thought you're meant to say when you scored.

Oh, man. I told him it's only what idiots say. And that, I love that. His dad would definitely be singing that. It's only what idiots say And that I love that His dad would definitely Be singing that It's only what idiots say And that only got him More upset Fast forward to present day Louis has stopped swearing

When he scores Both boys still support West Ham And Man United are still crap Happy days I think he said this A few months ago That was after the

Brentford game Because West Ham Are nearly getting Renegated Yeah man You were doing really well Keep up the good work gents My partner and I love the show and even our boys listen to it too. Only on the

proviso they don't repeat the language. All the best to Richard. Wow. Yeah, it's interesting taking your kids to football and it's interesting when there's parents that aren't into football that then have to take... My mum wasn't into football but she got into football by going to Argyle with me.

Yeah. It's a good thing to share with your kids to know that that like that's a thing you can do together that you're both passionate about if it works out it's great yes my dad didn't like football so he never went to football really yeah it was expensive for all five of us to go but he went to a couple of games oh yeah there's more of you whereas we just go family enclosure kid goes free with two adults. I think I'm going to try and take them to Crystal Palace, I think. Yeah. A couple more, Rob.

I've got one here, Josh. Yeah. Kids saying funny the wrong things. Yeah. You mentioned a lollipop man in an episode the other day, which reminded me of something my little boy said. Having started school and crossing with the lollipop man, both at the start and the end of the day,

after the end of the second day, my little boy asked, Mummy, why doesn't the lollipop man give me a lollipop that's a very good point very good point but i'd say for the lollipop man or woman slash person is if you start giving lollipops to children yeah it's already a high risk pedo job exactly it's like not that you know it's sort of like any job that involves dealing with kids all day it's gonna tie you with a pedo brush and i think slipping lollipops out your pocket ain't gonna help your case no exactly and what are you doing i love all the lollipops men and women no shade well they tell you what is good about lollipop men and women bit like kind of say maitre d or a receptionist it's all about they've got to be good with people exactly people so they're they're people people it's an interesting hours isn't it how are you mapping your day out

if your job is 8 30 till 9 yep and then 3 till 3 30 and then 3 it's a difficult split shift for an hour it must be a lot of money per hour to do that the only lollipop person i know in popular culture is jack duckworth was a lollipop man really well i think it's weird the lollipop man and women is it like a retirement job i think so i think it's like it's something to do to get you out the house yeah but i think um what's weird is i'll do that i do think like we've like there is like sometimes like if you're a bloke trying to work in child care you're met with suspicion yeah more than a woman so like yeah if someone says oh we

need to get a nanny or a babysitter yeah it's normally a woman there's a friend there's a friend's storyline about that isn't there where freddie prince jr plays the male nanny plays the male and everyone's all suspicious of him yeah if someone goes like oh we've got a new nanny star and i go oh what's her name that's that's what people all say and they go i know it's called jonathan you know this is fucking nonce that's what you brought but it's not fair is it not fair it's not fair not fair because blokes should be able to be nannies as well without judgment totally there's still that undercurrent yeah if you go that's a bit you know well lollipop man though would you say I'd say it's a 50-50 split?

Yeah, I'd say that's more, that's not a gender thing. I think that's 50-50. I wouldn't say it's more men or women. Would you do it in retirement? No. No. No. What are you planning on doing to keep yourself busy?

One of the things I hate is crossing the road. I find it. Actually, also, it's very high risk. Because while it's very high risk because while it's a laid back job you're basically in charge of the lives

of a thousand children yes like if it goes wrong it goes wrong badly it's like the captain of a ship

yeah exactly yeah it's like the Isle of Wight ferry every day yeah I don't think I'll find

what would you do what's your Rob Beckett is 70 describe him right okay is he still doing stand-up is he still working is he living in kent he's doing well-paid ad hoc corporate work right okay yeah yeah i don't really gig anymore but if a big company comes calling i'll give out a few awards yeah yeah nice little dickie bow. I'd say my material's dated, but well-delivered.

But what about when you're 70? It actually comes back round again. But yeah, the material's quite dated, well-delivered, cheeky glint in his eye, a bit of a smile. I'm not working as much anymore,

so I'm a bit more, there's a bit more energy to give out. Lou and the kids aren't giving enough attention at home I'm bored of my chickens it's nice to be in Milton Keynes for the night

yeah yeah of course that kind of vibe are you on TV oh yeah yeah yeah big time yeah I'm doing a basically all I do is a quiz show

yeah I've been doing it for 25 years I'm actually not very good at it anymore but I own the rights right yeah yeah they can't get rid of me

yeah that's good because if I go the show goes right yeah yeah you know I turn up late sometimes I don't even ask the final question just walk off but the power of the show is i get away with it my days are spent sort of shouting at good morning britain for two hours

yeah disagreeing with everyone but i'm old now so i'm all i'm disagreeing with myself now right yeah i believe now i believe the sort of Gammon faced opposite Because As you get old It gets you You'll start to hate Everything and everyone And have you done An interview Where you say

People haven't been funny For 20 years Yeah and I've got My own streaming channel That I self fund Because Mainstream don't want me And I'll be honest

I've signed up to it But on Rose's card So that you don't see my name yeah just so like you want to see what i'm up to and what's what's a 70 year old josh winnicott dude um he's dead he's dead the asthma got him in the end she's dead rose has got airy legs because she can't um what am I doing? I think I'm still living in London.

Really? Yeah. I'm on the beach somewhere. Yeah. I'm six months a year in the Algarve. Then I come back for a bit of work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you are puce. It's so red, like a bag. Yeah. If you picked me up in a market, you'd go good leather on that.

And I think I'm baggy. You're baggy and a bit sort of ex-marie around the cheeks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bit red, where you go in the sun, because you're rough a lot, but it's not good for you. Yeah, exactly. And I'm wearing...

How's your body? My body? Absolutely ripped. It's really weird. It's really weird. It's really odd that you've absolutely shredded to sheer. But you walk a bit funny. Yeah.

Because you're in shape But you're old So a bit like rickety legs You know that sort of old man But in shape Well that's Do you remember When I went to see Elton John

Last week Yeah He walks like an old man now So when he stands up He walks He's an old man He is an old man Elton John

Yeah Would be the dream booking Wouldn't it Because he's got twins Yeah it'd be great Great to get And also you can just sort of say Do people come up to you a lot and say,

you look like Josh Whittaker? It's the hair, I think. If you stop going to the gym and pumping iron and put on a tracksuit and put on a couple of pounds. Is that why you bought me a tracksuit? Yeah. I bought you a tracksuit for birthday. I'm going to wear it on the next podcast

so that we can talk about me looking like I was drunk. Next birthday, I'm going to buy you some funky glasses. He wears such funky glasses. I know that's not an observation. What's going on with Elton John's glasses? Have you seen?

Bloody hell, let's do that in the next episode of The Last Lick. What's up with this guy and his funky look? Oh man, he was great.

Right, shall we finish? Yeah, shall we do a small business? Small business. We did Nottingham on the tour, Rob,

so let's do one for Nottinghamshire. My sister and I love the pod and we are coming to see you in London. Please can you give us a small business shout out? My sister has a newborn photography business in Newark, Nottinghamshire. A perfect way to capture memories

of those precious moments when having a baby as we know how quickly time moves on. You can find her on Instagram at family underscore tree photography family underscore tree photography facebook or her website www.familytreephotography.co.uk thank you tanya in lincoln lincoln's lovely i've got another one from nottingham hi lads of the pod me and my sister came to watch you in nottingham we We are both childless, but love the pod all the same. I would love to give said sister a small bit of shout out.

She's a wedding and event singer across the Midlands, but we'll go further for travel fees. She does everything from weddings, funerals, fun days, restaurants and bars. Her music style catering to whatever you need. Less and less people are getting married these days. We'd love to give her a shout out. Her Instagram is at Chelsea Jade Singer. Chelsea spelled C-H-E-L-S-I-E Jade, J-A-D-E, Singer. Or you can look at her website, www.chelseyjaysinger.co.uk. Thanks both.

See you and hopefully some others in Nottingham. Alana. Thank you very much for listening. We will be back. Next time. Next time. Let's not pretend we know what day that is

we don't know what bloody day it is because we've fucking gone on tour pretty rock and roll to piss in a media last night see you later I think I smell by the way

see you next week bye