Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP31: Paint me like one of your French girls...

Episode Date: April 25, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello what do i say are we keeping that in hello hello and welcome to Parenting Hell with... Hello and welcome to Parenting Hell with... Autumn, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Oh, good job. That's very cute.

Oh, I think once is enough. Yeah, I agree. Absolutely killing the dream there. That's enough, Autumn. Yeah, that's enough autumn yeah that's enough autumn this is probably never get used but i'm so excited to share this clip with my daughter autumn say your names autumn is two and i've listened to the podcast since i was pregnant with her due with a little brother in september uh i found out i was pregnant on the same day as

your book signing in blue water thanks for the laughs charlie oh yeah of course you did right okay well she'll have to charter paul is that what's going on there josh oh yeah thanks for the laughs, Charlie. Oh, yeah, cool she did. Right, okay, well, she'll have to charter, Paul. Is that what's going on there, Josh? Oh, yeah, thanks for that. Also, we do get all your emails and messages, and we do go through all of them. We've got someone that goes through them all because there's so many. Yeah, not personally. No, because someone came up to me on the way to the Wembley gig

and went, oh, Rob, we're coming to the show, and, oh, cool, seeing a bitch. And I actually emailed you a couple of weeks ago about the um a charity but she said it to me like my mum had messaged me about like a cousin's birthday you know like something's quite important within the family i actually did email you like two weeks ago and i said and i went i'm gonna be honest with you i'll never see that email i don't even respond to my own emails never mind ones from parents in hell but they do get read and we go through them all so they will be read but yeah they will i can guarantee you i will not be going through every email yeah i just don't have the time for that i cannot emphasize enough how many layers there are before it gets to us the answer being one but yeah not it doesn't mean we don't

appreciate them we do we love them i just can't i't. I don't have this time to read everyone, but they do get seen and come through to us eventually. We don't have a huge amount of time at the moment, Rob. We're on tour, aren't we? How are you feeling? Yeah, I am so... I think it's the most tired I've ever been. Yeah.

All my complaining about having kids, who knew that actually... Going to work's harder. Going to work's harder. No, I'm not saying that. No, it's all my complaining about having kids who knew that actually gotta works harder no i'm not saying that no it's not it's not harder at all however doing an arena show and then doing the school run the next day when you've had three hours sleep because you've had too much adrenaline is knackering oh my god and then oh man but oh i can't barely speak right here we go no no it isn't exhausting like as in like going down a mine however when you've traveled the country with someone and you've done five gigs this week with someone and on that gig you talk about your kids i feel like me and you have reached our limit i I love you, Josh.

I don't know if we can talk about your children anymore. This week. Don't panic. The podcast will carry on. But I think it's a good reason why we did arenas and a short amount, because if we'd done an 80-day theatre tour, I think it would be the end of this podcast. It's impossible to care about your kids and my kids for that much amount of time, John.

I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I've got to do the wheel tonight. I don't know you're doing that. Oh, that. And that takes a lot of energy, that. I just didn't comprehend. Do you know what I'm doing tomorrow, Rob? I did these...

I just thought, because the wheel is an easy, like a fun, easy one, right? Well, sort of, but it's quite intense. It's very Saturday night. You've got to be buzzed up for it. It's not labor intensive. Yeah, you've got to do a lot of dancing. You've got to be buzzed up for it. It's not labor intensive. Yeah, you've got to do a lot of dancing. You've got to dance.

You've got to spin around on a wheel next to like Gino De Campo and someone from First Dates. Normally when I do the wheel, I'm like, I really hope it lands on me because you want to be in the show. Tonight I'm like, I hope I'm the guy that doesn't get a question. What I don't think we factored in was, josh i was treating these arena shows like tour gigs when you

do stand-up but actually it i didn't realize it because there's so many people it's so much stress and so much pressure and your your brain's constantly whirring because it's like it's a totally new skill to learn and and we're doing we're doing loads of improv and loads of like messing around with the audience and stuff. It's not just churning out a script. By improv, we mean improvised chat. We're not going on, if anyone's worried about the show, we don't go on and go,

give me a time, give me an accent, give me an object, and scene. Okay, you're in Boston in the mid-80s in a kitchen, but you've got no utensils, just chopsticks. What are you making um no but we like that it's not a scripted show as such so yeah it's a lot of thinking but i didn't i didn't take into consideration how tiring it is having like 15 000 people in front of you and then the adrenaline i'm going to i've got jet lag josh i go to sleep at 4 a.m now and wake up at 7 a.m i've

had three hours sleep a night for the last five days oh my god so you've got to do the wheel you've just come back from the school run i've just done the school run right i've just got up done the school run yeah i just could talk my daughter into going to breakfast club so that i could get the school run done because i wanted to do the school run because Rose has been doing so many bedtimes and also yeah my daughter's been playing up a bit because I've been away so much yeah like they yeah because they know they're outnumbered she was said this morning because I'm not here tonight because I'm doing the wheel she was like wait till you hear what I'm doing tomorrow right what are you did tomorrow well just say she said this morning she was like oh why is daddy always working so you're like oh god i need to i wanted to do the school run

so i get up do the school run do this shower get in the car for the wheel do the wheel yeah get home with my body clock absolutely effed and then, this was another thing I wanted to do. Cause I was like, I think it'd be really fun and I'm interested in it as a show. But tomorrow my car is at 7 30 AM Rob. So I'll probably have had three hours sleep and I'm doing, I'm one of the people being painted for portrait artists of the year. So on three hours sleep,

I'm going to have to sit silently for four hours just staring into the distance. People are literally watching paint dry. Well, it's a TV show now. It's on Sky Arts, Rob. It's a big deal on Sky. They're literally watching paint dry. Yeah, people love it.

So you're getting paint. Where's the painting going on? Where do you got to go? Battersea Arts Centre. Oh, okay. That's early start, though, isn't it. So you're getting paid. Where's the painting going on? Where do you got to go? Battersea Arts Centre. Okay, so that's a early start, though, isn't it? I know. I can't believe it. I want to do these things, but they've all fallen wrong.

And then after this tour, I've got a break. But I feel like I can't quite believe what's happening to me at the moment. So you've got to do the wheel. But at least you just sat down. That's easy, isn't it? You've got to say, the thing about me, Rob, is I do span the genres. In the space of 24 hours, I'm doing the wheel

and portrait artist of the year. Yeah. So what position you could adopt? I would lie down. You'd lie down? Like one of the French girls, you know, like Kate Winslet in Titanic. Oh, what, like on a chaise longue kind of thing?

Yes. I'll just lie down. I'd get a pillow and lie down and go to sleep. That is quite a funny angle as well. Basically, if you lay down and go to sleep, the only thing they're not getting is the eyes. Yeah, but that's my best feature, Rob. No, but I think that would be quite funny as well, if you just lay there and go to sleep for four hours. I would.

Oh, my God. That would be so funny. Go on and go, I'm really tired. Obviously, I'm knackered. Obviously, do your speakings and then just go to sleep. Oh, my God. that sounds so good. You can't be talking as they do it. It's not like banter, is it? Yeah, you kind of talk to Mango and Joan Bakewell. Look, I have 20 minutes with Mango and Bakewell and then I get a kip.

I'd find that funny if I watched that show. I mean, I'm never going to watch it. No offence. It's not for you, Rob. It's stiff neck central. We love it in my house. We love it in my house. We love it in my house. Fair enough, fair enough.

You love it. Yeah, because that's the thing, isn't it? When you come back from doing loads of work and you're knackered. Your kids are still there. The kids are still there. And Lou and Rose have been doing all of the childcare. Yeah, yeah. So we did the O2 on Saturday, Friday night.

Tell me about your Saturday. So we finished. There was a bar full of people i didn't know friday night yeah there was about 100 people in the bar and i know about four of them i was relieved when i saw it was a paying bar and we weren't financing the bar that was a relief yeah um no yeah so we finished a friday night did the o2 which was incredible they've all been incredible thank you so much to everyone who's come because we've had an – one of the reasons it's been so amazing is it's just such a kind of incredible feeling to do these shows, and it's been such a joy. And the atmosphere in the room is so supportive and warm and fun.

So my daughters came to the O2 show, didn't they? They watched backstage, and then I brought them out on stage for a bit. And then in the interval, Josh, I had to try and get them in a taxi with a babysitter to go home. So I'm stood in the bowels of the O2 hearing all that in the background. It's like a Rocky film, you know, when they're like, the fighter has a breakdown before the fight and you can hear all the crowd. And I'm holding two car seats, waiting for a taxi that's late

with the babysitter and my kids. And they want to stay stay but it's getting late and it's too late for them and Lou is watching it with her family somewhere else I'm like they weren't going to come at all so it's sort of like an added bonus you know I'll get them in the taxi and they've never sort of been out and about away from us with the babysitter the babysitter's always been in our house obviously of course it's the first time we've tried to go a bit ad hoc and um anyway I put them in the car and they were like my youngest was going I don't want to go I don't want to go and then there was the cab driver in the baby seat they love Lisa and they get you know but then she went where are we going I went well you're

going to go home now and go to bed and she went what in this car I went yeah she went where's that car I know it's a taxi she went so we're going but with no one in our family oh god i was like yeah here you are and then i went and then she went but i want you to come i want you to come home and i was like i literally cannot if any moment in my life i cannot leave to take you home it's now i just can't come oh my god then i promised them a toy swimming and pizza express the next day so we did all of that the next morning, which was fun. But, yeah, but that was quite stressful. And then, so you then get home after the gig at about, what, 1?

Got home at 1. I couldn't sleep till about 4 again. Oh, my God. So you're lying in bed just staring at the ceiling, or are you up and about? So I watch telly for a bit. Then I'm sort of laying in bed watching TikTok till the phone falls on my face. That's my new technique at the moment. Oh, yeah. I wonder why you're up and about. So I watch telly for a bit, then I'm sort of laying in bed watching TikTok till the phone falls on my face. That's my new technique at the moment. Oh, yeah.

I wonder why you're up till four. Because all those sleep experts say, do look at, like, small clips. Fucking Captain Sleepy, king of the sleep. This guy, this guy now knows how to sleep. Small clips on a bright screen, that's ideal. Short, in-your-face, energetic clips. Look, I like to challenge myself when it gets to sleepy time.

And if there are a team of 5,000 algorithm bastards making an algorithm to keep me on that app, I will fight against that. I see it as a challenge. You think you can keep me hooked? Good luck. What's that? I'm up to seven hours a day on

screen time and it's not even locked down sure that seems normal doesn't it rob yeah i just had a panic right while you were talking and i thought what time's my car for the wheel yeah like how much time have i got we finished at 12 are you doing the early one or the late one uh I must be doing the late one because my car's at 3.15. Okay. But I clicked on my calendar. I've booked in personal training at two. I haven't even got a fucking break.

When did I do that? So your exercise, you're going to be, I think you might knock that on the head. Just your body needs rest, Josh. I can't pay for it, Rob. Yeah, so just exhaust yourself some more because of money guilt. Yeah, welcome to my world. So, yeah, I'd say your body needs rest more than it needs to be forced into crunches.

Oh, crunchies. That's one of the problems. I've been eating so much chocolate to keep me going. Right, okay. Last night, Rob, I ate a full bag of dairy milk buttons before we went on. You did seem quite buzzed up. Yeah. So, well, you tell me, take me through your week.

So, I got up at about four, then the kids woke us up at like six, seven. Oh, my word. So, I'm up at six, seven. No, after playing the O2. Yeah, so then we had to drop some wallpaper off at the new house, which we should be moving soon. That's, I can't even process that out loud.

I just, I was still talking to you and I just remembered all the things I've got to do. Anyway, so I went there and then we went, then we took them swimming. We went swimming with them, which was, you know, great. So they loved it. So that was nice. And then we took them to, but actually we did it quite well because they, I promised them to a shop, I sort of treated it.

We took them swimming. Then we took, we found a pizza express that was really near the swimming pool. Went there. And then we went to Sangeries to get these little two-quid rabbits. They love them. So we got them some of them. Then we went back home. And I was exhausted at this point.

I had a couple of hours sleep. And I said to Lou, at 3 o'clock, I went, I might have a little lie down. And I don't want to moan because Lou's been looking after the kids all week, right? And I get it. And then she came to the O22 and obviously it's a late night. All day Saturday, she kept going, blah, I'm shattered.

I was like, all right. And she went, I went, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she went, yeah. I was like, you know, it's tiring, isn't it, going to an arena? Because they're so big, you're walking around and there's a lot of energy, you know, there's a lot of people there and stuff, just knackering. I was like, I fucking did the show. I did it four days in a row and travelled across the country.

I'm tired too. But to be fair, she went, go and have a lie, after we did the swimming and all that, she went, go and have a lie down, right? And I had a massive Romana, right? Romana, big old. The amount of free advertising these fuckers get where's my black card for pizza express that's what i don't know where do i know i'll start you must be so tired like that's the thing when you're because i've been really hot on eating well on the tour because it really tires me and then

yesterday that's why i ended up in buttons gategate. I just, I was so tired. Well, yeah, because we've been really good. We've been eating very healthy on tour at a set time and low carb, because if you have too many carbs, you will go in a coma. Exactly, but I went carb central over the weekend just to keep myself going. And it was like, my body was just like, what the fuck is going on? I felt, I had a carb hangover yesterday. I'm not drinking.

I had a hangover from how many carbs I had. And then last night i got home at 11 p.m and made cheese on toast just to really feed the beast so when i got it last i'd left over peter express from saturday lunchtime that was still in the fridge and um yeah so and lou went go and have a little lie down upstairs i thought yeah i'll have a little lie down i put a podcast on and was playing my little fifa game on the switch right and um it's like a 90 minute game but like it goes it's about four minutes but for 90 minutes they speed it up

obviously i'm doing a career mode on the 15th minute of computer time which is about 30 seconds into the game yeah i fell asleep right it fell on my head the classic a device falling on my face i know it's bedtime yeah so i thought i'll just shut my eyes for a bit it's 3 p.m all right i woke up at 7 30 fuck off god it is like your jet lag just like you know like it like like like you know you drown you know you're drowning in the dream i'm so jealous i know and then but lou let me sleep the whole time then i woke up and then um then i watched boxing and all that and then the kids went to bed but then my youngest keeps waking up so we don't know what to do here, Josh. This is actually some actual parenting show.

She basically wakes up at like two in the morning every night and come in and go, I had bad dreams, bad dreams and all that. And she just won't go to bed until we lay with her, especially like we're both of us are taking turns. So I was like sleeping in her bed for like, well, I couldn't get to sleep until about three because I was still awake. So I slept in her bed for about an hour and then she woke up again. Then Lou got in with her anyway.

So that's, we got to work out what to do. That sounds like something she'll just get through though, right? Yeah, hopefully. But we're, but then we're switching bedrooms soon.

We should be moving in a few weeks. So we should switch in bedrooms soon. So we like, we don't want to change anything in this one. And their room's so stark at the moment. Cause we're like getting rid of old cabinets and boxes and stuff up and slowly packing. So anyway,

that was, so we didn't get much sleep. Then I woke up and then up again the next day at 7 a.m um at 9 20 a.m i'm in the car with lou two children and a dog to a forest school birthday party so we me and lou are walking the dog around a forest while they're at forest school and then in what was like a sitcom scene the dog slipped out of the um his harness somehow i don't know how yeah like some sort of prison break and run into the forest school birthday party jumping all over the kids some of the kids hate dogs kids are crying shouting jumping oh my god and they managed to get him back and then yeah we do forest school with the kids until about one o'clock then i'll get the tube up to Wembley. Quite a chilled tube journey, actually.

It was just a marathon and an FA Cup semifinal at Wembley Stadium. So that was quiet. Then got to the arena. And then I had a kick for an hour at the arena before the gig. But the gig went really well. And then that brings us now to 9 a.m. on Monday after getting home late. Oh, well done. The gig was lovely.

Thanks to Jonathan Ross as well. He was incredible. Yeah, guests so far, Jonathan Ross, Alex Brooker, Jack D, Catherine Ryan, and Tom Davies, of course. Yeah, big Tom. They've been great. But yeah, wasn't it something like,

I love all those guys, but Jonathan Ross and Jack D, because I've watched them as a kid. Yeah. It feels really weird, doesn't it, them being on the stage? It's so exciting. You just want to go,

just tell me stories. We went to the bar afterwards with Jack D, and you just want to go, just tell me stories. We went to the bar afterwards with Jack D and you just want to go, could you tell me everything that happened to you between 1991 and 2000, please? Yes. That's what I wanted to say.

I promise not to interrupt. He's so funny where he's like, his quick turn of phrase is so fast and so brutal and so full stops. So like, when I came in the bar, because I came in a bit later,

I needed to get a chair. He was on like a booth. And there was one chair facing the wall on a table. And I was like, oh, should I sit over here? And then he just went, with the perfect time, went, would you? And it was so perfect. And he didn't stumble over it. Everything is so lean, isn't it?

All his jokes and even just in person he's so good meeting those people not meeting but like yeah well meeting them you said you just realized why they were just at the top of the tree for so long there's just levels when you see you know yeah you go you come from the circuit and you start doing a bit well and get a few bits and bobs and you see certain people even i i think i've calmed down now but everyone gets a bit of a swagger when they first start doing well and you think you're like the bee's knees. But when you compare those people to someone like Jack D, who's been doing it for 30 years and still loves it

and loves the craft and works on it, it's just a different level. And he's swagger free. Swagger free, no arrogance, no ego, just he knows he's good. He doesn't have to show off or prove it. It's more of an insecurity when you start giving it the big one. Yeah. Shall I talk you through my weekend? Yeah.

So what did you do after the O2? Because we did, for context, we did Wednesday Nottingham, Thursday Cardiff, Friday O2. The O2. One day off Wembley. So got home at about 1, got to sleep about 2, got up at 7 on Saturday, looked after the kids. Yeah.

I had a stag do this is mad what a mad thing to do i didn't realize how tired i'd be so this was a stag do in coventry so is it a one day out or three day and you're just going in for one day just being kind of airdropped in like a Saturday to Sunday morning but they've got that Friday lunchtime kind of thing okay yeah Saturday morning take my daughter out on her bike. She's desperate to go out on her bike. Obviously cut that too fine because you're trying to get as much parenting in as possible. Do you know what I mean?

Also, take the pressure off Rose. Because she's basically had them all week on her own, and then you've gotten stag do. And then you're off again tomorrow to Wembley. I know. And then the wheel. And then Paul Dre. I know. It then the wheel, and then Paul Dray out of this. I know.

It was really bad. But if it's any consolation to Rose, by the Saturday morning, I'm not stag, stag, stag. I'm not like, here we fucking drink. Because I'm not drinking because I've got Wembley the next day. So I'm basically going to Coventry

to be around drunks. So I take my daughter cycling and then I'm like, I've got to get hair. This is the only time I can fit in a haircut before a portrait artist. So I'm booked in for a haircut at 11am. That I would say is the most relaxed bit of my week, that haircut. Lovely.

She said, do you want me to massage your head while I do the conditioner? I'm like, this is absolutely what I need. All that kind of stuff. Have a cup of tea, little cup of popcorn they give you. It's glorious. It is relaxation.

It's a children's hairdresser's. It's not far off, mate. It's great. I loved it. Would you like a little cup of popcorn? No, I fucking wouldn't. Cut my hair. I'm 37. Talk to Harry about fucking wouldn't cut my hair i'm 37 about ibiza talk to my hairdresser harry about ibiza all hairdressers love ibiza yeah oh he lived in

ibiza for six years lovely bloke lovely bloke then go to the stag do train drive train um michael's on the train because michael's on the stag do we've spent too much time together in the last week so we both should get our books out straight away when we's on the train because Michael's on the stag do. We've spent too much time together in the last week, so we both should get our books out straight away when we get on the train. Stag, stag, stag. You're reading your books. Up to Coventry. Up to Coventry. Go to a non-league football game, which was really good fun,

and then go back to the house bit. And then someone, one of the people, I don't know, who's a uni friend of the stag. What was the energy like? Were they all a bit hungover from a big night? Yeah, they were all hungover from the big night. So I'm like, this is quite good that I'm not drinking. It's not too boozy.

Go back, it's like darts and pools going on. One of the people is going home on the last train that evening and I start to think, I'm tempted by this now. You're supposed to be staying over then i hear that you've got to share a bed is double beds shared i'm like i'm doing fucking wembley arena tomorrow i can't soberly share a bed with a drunk the night before wembley arena surely yeah i mean also like you you don't i don't ever want to poo poo the fun but i'd always rather even if everyone else is in one place,

just go and find a Premier Inn and go on my own. The days of me wanking next to a sleeping man are over. I want my own space. Something fair on me and him. It is. So, but I'm enjoying the stag, but then this guy's like, I'm going to get the last train. And I'm like, also, I know that Rose is really up to her eyeballs in parenting. So I should really get home to take the strain tomorrow.

Because realistically, I'm not getting home till mid-morning at the earliest. Yeah. And you've got to shoot off anyway after that. I've got to shoot off. So we get the last train. Nice bloke. We get to the cab that's going to drive us to the train we get in the cab it's like nine o'clock in the evening when we get in

the cab i realize he is absolutely hammered right okay and i am stone cold sober and we've got a two and a half hour journey together to get through so he's coming back to london as well he's not just going back to london as well he's not just going back to london rob he lives right in the himmy so we're going to end up getting a taxi right okay so this is like john candy and steve martin in them yeah steve martin was incoherent and unable to form a sentence so we get to the station i can't i'm like he's a nice bloke but he's you ask him something and he kind of stares for a minute before replying okay and you feel rude to just whip the book out yeah yeah

he's with tv's josh willicam yeah well i don't think he i don't think he knows that i kind of i i have to find our train for he wouldn't have i don't know i wouldn't have fancied him getting on the train. Right. We get on the train. We have a conversation. He says about how drunk he is. I go, I'm not drinking.

And he asked me why I'm not drinking. And we have a five minute chat about why I'm not drinking. And then about five minutes later, he's desperate for the toilet. He goes to look for a toilet. He's gone 10 minutes, I'll be honest. He's glorious, that 10 minutes. Right, can I, okay, so if, because you don't know this guy,

he's sort of been thrown together at the stag do, if he's gone for the whole train journey, and then you're pulling it London, do you just get off and say, see you later, mate? Well, it's interesting you ask that. We're about to see what happens, right? Okay, all right. So he comes back from the toilet. when he's left the stag he's taken two bottles of beer and said can i'm gonna take these for the train so i've put them in my bag she doesn't have a bag

and i go do you want your beers yeah and he goes yeah do you want one each and i'm like literally yeah five minutes ago i had a conversation about how i'm not drinking and he goes you don't drink. I'm like, like he's never heard it before. It was unbelievable. So then he can't open the bottles of beer because he doesn't have a bottle opener. So I do that thing where you use one bottle of beer

to open the other bottle of beer. And he basically downs that first bottle of beer. I'm like, well, I can't open your second bottle because I've used, that's my technique. We're about 20 minutes from London by this point. And I go, there's a huge group

of Norwegian Liverpool fans that are hammered down there. They will definitely have a bottle opener. Why don't you just go and ask them? So he kind of goes to the Liverpool fans

and he just doesn't come back. Well, he sat with them. He just sits down with them. can't see him he's it's like right at the other end it's one of those trains that goes all the way it's open the whole way it's not a proper train it's one of those like a southern train style and so i just start listening to a podcast i'm like this is this is bliss and then we pull into houston and he's still not come back and i look and we've stopped now, and people are getting off the train. And I look down the carriage, and in the far distance,

I can see him kind of hugging and kissing on the cheek the Norwegian Liverpool fans. And I think, fuck this, I'm off. I'm not staying around to say goodbye to a man that didn't even remember the conversation we had yes I agree you'll never see him again I'll never see him again so then I leave and then I get to the cab

and there's a huge queue for the cab so I'm like stood in the queue for the cabs shitting myself that he's going to come around the corner at any minute luckily I get in the cabs get home I actually got a text from him in the morning actually I got a text from him in the morning. Actually, I got a text from him in the morning. And it was all fine.

Saying, you know, thank you for your company on the train, etc. And I said it, but he had a lovely time. He was a nice bloke. I'd say we're at different levels of inebriation. Yeah, but he's mad, isn't he? When you're that pissed, you just wander over and just chat to people. Yeah, yeah. And then Sunday parenting, gymnastics, bike rides, straight to Wembley.

You just, it's just been intense. Yeah. It's just been incredibly intense. But that's, it's nearly at an end now though, Josh, we can get back to normality. Because I feel like I've survived parenting where I haven't done any the last week. Yeah. I started walking out of the room. What do you mean?

Like, this morning, they're all screaming and shouting. And then my youngest started playing the recorder. I just stood up and walked and just sat in another room on my own. No telly on, no phone, just sat there staring. Lou pissed herself laughing. It was just like, no, not for me. You know, like when drunks get on a train and you just get up. I'm just going to go to the other carriage immediately.

Well, drunks on a train, Rob. I got the train to Wembley yesterday. Wembley Arena, because I thought it'd be quicker. And I was sat on the Metropolitan Line. A fucking rugby team got on. Let me play you what was going on. Is that a bugle? Yeah.

Someone brought a fucking bugle and 30 rugby players onto the train. I was like, when will I get to relax in my life? All you wanted was a little cup of popcorn, wasn't it? I just wanted a cup of fucking popcorn and my headphones and bugles fucking playing. Like, I thought this was a cliche. They had hoodies on with their nicknames and the words, what goes on tour stays on tour. And you're like, for fuck's sake.

Anyone under 25, I'll let you have that. Over 25, sort your fucking life out. Oh, man, I'm so tired, Rob um do you want to do some correspondence yeah go on thank you for all the texts as well by the way that we've got because we do a text thing during the live shows yes and some of the texts are so good we'll we'll maybe go through some of them um the ones we didn't get through on an episode one day yeah that'd be good because we're not releasing the um we're not releasing them we film manchester so we'll put some clips online at some point we'll get around to that we'll follow it on the instagram or whatever oh my god here we go

hi rob and josh enjoyed the show not too numerous week me and my mate actually got a funny look from someone in front for laughing too enthusiastically warning tooth fairy talk here talk. Here we go. Okay, that's a warning. Also, I should make it, the other day, we did a warning for talking about the tooth fairy,

but before that, I talked about my erect penis. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that was a problem. But my erect penis

is not a myth. That's one of the creepiest things anyone's ever said. My daughter now nine still believes in a tooth fairy. Yesterday,

she pulled out a tooth and I thought she'd forgotten at bedtime. Of course she hadn't. No cash in the the house not willing to tell her it's a lie i scrambled around found some stray euros in a drawer when confronted with this strange coin in the morning i panicked and went well maybe she just finished a shift in spain and only had euros with her she nodded and was like ah of course that explains it fair play all we do is lie to kids is she ever going to trust me when she's older thank you jenny from huddersfield um here we go i've got a boomer

story i'm submitting a boomer story on behalf of my dad when he was 11 he wanted to be a footballer when he grew up he got a call one day from a talent scout inviting him to a training program and he was over the moon it turned out to be a random man my granddad had met in the pub and he asked him to call my dad thinking it would be a laugh. Oh, no. Don't feel too bad for him, though. My granddad had a stroke when we were all on holiday. My dad told me it was because I'd beat him at chess.

Assuming I would understand that that wasn't the case, I was six. So I had no understanding of nuance and assumed that I had actually nearly killed my granddad. Oh, my God. My dad still insists this wasn't his fault. Maisie. So then what happens here is bad parenting breeds bad parenting. Maisie, it's up to you to stop.

Stop it now. Stop the chain. Stop the chain. Stop the chain. Anyway, Maisie, I hope you're okay. And just a note, it wasn't beating your granddad at chess that gave him the stroke. No. Do you want another boomer, Josh yeah there we go i want this hi robin josh in an episode a while back someone wrote in about their friend postponing their kid's birthday till they

were free due to work shift patterns it reminded me of a boomer parents story courtesy of my dad johnny his parents are huge bon jovi fans i think his parents pretty much went to every tour he did in the uk for a long time so each year when tickets were released they'd rush to get their hands on some and plan everything around it later along come johnny's fourth birthday and his parents realized they've screwed up tickets had already been purchased it's the same day in london we live in the midlands okay now as i said they are fanatical totally so they decide to postpone johnny's birthday because he won't know the difference oh and pretend it's the following day instead they still went to see bon jovi at four i think you can still nearly get away with

that yeah yeah i think that's fair i think the fact it's such a naff band makes it wrong but apart from that i mean come on but i've got a similar thing not a similar thing but i'm doing the double up of my daughter's school's summer fate and blur at wembley on the same day in july but are you going to both i'm going to both but your heart's not really in the fate i don't think the fate matters mate you don't have to do it you don't have to go to the fate it'd be nice to go to but i don't think the fate matters, mate. You don't have to do it. You don't have to go to the fate. It'd be nice to go to, but I don't feel it. It's not like she's doing a performance or something

or it's parents' evening. Well, we're just, I'll ask for your advice on this. This is kind of the, we're just approaching, we're two weeks away from my son's second birthday. Yeah. Three weeks away. Oh, you're nearly two years away from enjoying a holiday. Well done.

Lovely. Lovely little moment in time. Two years away from enjoying a holiday. Well done. Lovely. Lovely little moment in time. Two years away from going on a holiday you might enjoy. Thank you. My question is, do we fucking bother? What, two-year-old birthday? The way I look at it, you've got to do something in the day to keep them busy. Rose would go party.

What would you do? Yeah, cut and lie down. I think the party, he's the one that's him busy. Rose would go party. What would you do? Air cut and a lie down. I think the party, he's the one that's going to be least interested in it. True. Has he got any little mates from nursery?

Not really. There's some there, but you know. Yeah. I don't think two-year-olds really have mates. I think you could go out for a little bit of lunch

or take him somewhere he likes, something he likes to do and have a bit of cake. Yeah, fine. You want a photo and sing it to him, don't you?

Anyway, so Johnny spent the day being babysat by the neighbours who were fully aware of the ploy. Johnny's mum joked with the neighbour that she'd tell him when he was 18 and as a guilt gift, they bought him a big boy bike for his fourth birthday. Okay, so they've missed the birthday, but they bought him a bike for the next day. So along came Johnny's 18th birthday and the family got a phone call from his old neighbour who had since retired and moved to dorset as it was his 18th he presumed she was calling him to wish him well in fact she had held on to the secret for 14 years and was desperate to get it out what she

insisted his mom tell him straight away 18 year old johnny was absolutely appalled disgusted and suddenly recalled a lot of hype around the bike so the name around the bike johnny still gets on the dance floor for bon jovi anyway so it kind of been kind of scared him too much steph burton on trend i don't think i'd be that appalled as an 18 year old no touch the sides really um shall we do thingy rob um let's do a uh small business yeah shall we do it should we just fucking do it yeah because i'm absolutely out of gas yeah i'm so tired right but look i've got one here there we go listening to the pod about josh teaching's daughter cycle i wanted to give a shout out to professor balance the most amazing human who managed to teach my five year old how to ride his bike in an hour goes to a variety of

locations in scotland and can be found in Facebook, in Facebook, on Facebook, by searching Professor Balance or Learn to Cycle Scotland. Best 20 quid I ever spent. Thank you for the laughs and honesty. Definitely makes this parenting thing easier. Love the Edinburgh show and keep being sexually relatable. Cheers, Sarah. 456 months.

So Professor Balance or Learn to Cycle Scotland is the website. Oh, that's good. Small business shout out. Hi, Rob and Josh. I would like to shout out my sister's small business based in Pembrokeshire. I used to go on family holidays to Pembrokeshire, Robert, and it is the most beautiful part of the UK. This is, look, I love Wales, right?

The only problem with Wales is when you Google these pictures, I think in the corner it should show you what temperature it was when it was taken because that is beautiful. I want wind speed and temperature before I book a holiday. That's what they need to do because I've been there and it's windy and cold. The beaches are amazing. It just hasn't got the climate, has it?

I strongly disagree. You think Wales has got the climate for a summer holiday? I do, yeah. Fuck off. I love Wales. It's beautiful. It is not Greece in the summer, is it?

No. You know that. They know that. Amazing surfing. It's beautiful. But, Rob, there's nothing like the sound of the rain

on the tent, is there? I hate camping. So do I, actually. It's really hard walking down, isn't it? You get to a beach, the car park's about a mile away, you carry the stuff, you get there, the kid gets sand in your eyes,

you think, fuck this. Let me go to a solar... Hi, Rob and Josh. I'm going to shout out my sister. Still going. Small business. Small business. Pembrokeshire called The Cheesy Cow.

It's a cafe that sells grazing boxes, baguettes, and every Sunday, Yorkshire pudding wraps, which are incredible. She started the business from her flat during lockdown selling grazing boxes while everyone was stuck at home and now has a cafe based on Milford Marina. She also caters for weddings and events with amazing graze tables. Check out her Instagram at thecheesycow underscore. At thecheesycow underscore. Thanks for making us laugh every week. Rosie.

Lovely stuff. Um, we promise to have more energy next week. Uh, sorry if this was a bit low energy, um, we are struggling, but we will be back full mass next week.

When we Josh, I think it's been an absolute classic. We're both in a bad way. People love that. Well, I, well, we recorded for 56 minutes.

This is always a fun game for the listener. See how much shit Michael had to cut out. Yeah. Rob, we've got to do the intro to Friday's episode after this. Shall we just do the world's shortest intro for it? Shall we just do it now? Listen on Friday for an incredible guest. And I reckon they'll be speaking within 30 seconds.

Look, because they're so incredible, we're just going to get them straight on. Get them straight on. And if you listen, if you heard this one, you'll know why we're getting them straight on but we'll we'll style that one if people just listen to the hat as we're getting them straight on because they're brilliant yeah right see you then bye