Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP33: We need to talk about 'The Pile'

Episode Date: May 2, 2023

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Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing oh wait we're not recording go can i tell you what i think happened yeah you're using airpods again yeah and as soon as you open your phone it switches the phone correct yeah so at what point was you shocked by that i just thought

well i just thought this is coming through very clearly in my ear which is worrying right you've got to get some fucking headphones the thing that would break this podcast is you and your headphones but airpods are fine aren't they what was wrong are they fine are they not now no right so what headphones do i buy old person's headphones with a lead yes they're not the big ones though are they because that makes my ears hot i get tired fucking hell i can't podcast with big headphones. My ears get absolutely boiling. You do get hot easy, don't you? Yeah.

I'm Nordic or whatever I am. I don't know what I am. Right. Shall I start? Yeah, but you might need to play the message. Oh, for fuck's sake. No, I've turned the Bluetooth off on my phone. I've turned the Bluetooth off on my phone, so it won't do it.

Right. So do you want me to play it? Or do you want to do it? No, I can play it. Here we go. we go okay hello you're listening to parenting hell for fuck's sake go hello you're listening to parenting hell with olivia can you say rob beckett can you say josh whittacombe Can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Jaws. Close. There we go.

That is 23-month-old Olivia. We've been listening to your pod since the day one. Our girls are similar ages to Josh's, so we find listening to you incredibly funny and relatable. On listening back to Olivia's attempt, it sounds like someone is farting, but I assume it's actually the zip on the grow bag. Yes, it did sound like a zip, I thought. Thanks for keeping us laughing.

Imogen, not imagine. It sounded like they were in a spa. Yeah, it did did there was a kind of music at the background wasn't there but there we go josh can i apologize for being harsh with you about your headphones because i'm just fine i'm hung over i'm not well this is there's a lot of people saying that they like the episodes where we're in the worst state and i think they're about to get another one i feel all right you're You're a bit tired. We've had a very busy few weeks, haven't we? That's the thing.

Fucked, Rob. Because our schedule of recording these are quite full on, but we've also got other jobs. Yeah, that was the problem. Do you want to tell me about your week and I'll tell you about mine? Do you know what? I think yours is more exciting, so should we get mine out of the way? Yeah, go on then.

No, let's lead with yours. Let's lead with yours. Okay, well, I have been a bit stressed recently, but then I was saying something to Lou about it. And then she said, well, Rob, you probably are stressed because in six weeks you're doing an arena tour. You're doing three episodes of Rob and Romesh, which is quite labour intensive, like travel.

And on top of that, your Radio 2 show, the Parenting Hill podcast. You're also hosting the BAFTAs and We Are Moving House. And I was like, Joe, that is quite a lot in six weeks six weeks isn't it that is enough to make you a bit stressed the great thing about us Rob is you know we're both either incredibly busy or we're not that busy well yeah actually this is the first time I'm not that busy coming up it's like our lives never sink there's never a period when we're both really busy or one of us is really chilled like it's always separate we're never both off at the same time but that's why it works isn't it

because there's always one sad one exactly because one of us is always hating our lives we can't both be happy or the show would not work with it and so i'm looking forward to the next six weeks because i've got basically six weeks off apart from this whereas you are having basically all of the work from your year put into six weeks yeah it'll be fine though i feel i feel fine about it but i'm a bit hung over because i mean i'm in manchester so where should i start i'll talk about last night should i talk about last night yeah well yeah it's difficult for me to say rob where to start with your week because i've not got much frame of reference but you went to man city versus arsenal went to man city because so basically my mate james is a big arsenal fan lives in new york and he messaged me going oh i'd love to come to

arsenal games next season and then literally weirdly that day a man city message saying i would rob like to come to the arsenal and city games i like to have away fans there and i have to be interviewed on this stage thing a fan zone zone thing. Oh, yeah, I've walked past that at Man City, actually, when I went to Man City. So that's before the game? Yeah, before the game, and then watched the game in a box, like hospitality. I thought, you know what?

So I went up. My mate James was coming. Lloyd, I thought I had two tickets. I had four tickets. We didn't realise until last minute. So I got Lloyd because he's like rent-a-crowd Lloyd. He goes everywhere, especially up north. He loves the game of football.

And then my mate Dom as well. Anyway, Lloyd's mates for the Blossoms. But there's going to be a lot of name dropping in this episode. So just accept that. Well, you haven't started yet. You've had Lloyd Griffith and the Blossoms. So I wouldn't worry about that so far. It's not the Blossoms.

It's Blossoms. And they are a huge deal in Manchester. Okay? Yeah, they are a huge deal in Stockport. Anyway, so it's us. and then we get up there, and I'm drunk by the time we get there at six, so then he puts us on this stage. Is this a Euro 2020 situation?

It's like your reunion tour. If I weren't in the hospitality, it would be a complete recreation, but you can't get that drunk in hospitality because everything's too sensible. Oh, I don't know. You weren weren't at plymouth versus bolton oh yeah you got battered in that anyway and then we were this was before the liverpool game we decided to do this when arsenal were like nine points clear and then since we agreed to go arsenal haven't won a game so now he's coming over from new york because we were like, if we lose, it doesn't matter because we'll still be X amount of points ahead.

Anyway, we get in the box and my mate James, I've not seen him for four years. And in my life, I've got more famous in four years. And he's never, I've never seen him in New York. He's never seen me in London. So he's a bit, and when you've been on the telly. He's starstruck. No, not starstruck.

He was a bit confused about why people wanted photos because right yeah you know he doesn't really watch British TV over there and all my other mates get quite used to

you get quite used to your friend being on the telly and it's gradual yeah but he was a bit sort of shocked and then and then we got to the box

and then he lost his head because Kolo Torre was in there Noel Gallagher just for people who aren't into football. Ex-Arsenal player. Ex-Arsenal and Man City.

Yes, Arsenal and Man City. So he was there. Then we used to bump into Paul Dickoff, ex-Arsenal, Man City. Yeah. Jack Whitehall was in the pub beforehand with us. And he was like, is that Jack Whitehall? I was like, yeah.

And then we get in the box. Noel Gallagher's in there. Ted Lasso and the Ted Lasso crew. Jason Sudeikis. Which was quite funny because Lloyd's in there ted lasso and the ted lasso crew jason sedakis and yeah which was quite funny because lloyd's in ted lasso and he oh very briefly very briefly but he gives it the big night he's one of the guys so i was quite keen to see oh no oh no i would not say he's like in the inner circle oh no oh no rob so that was fine but we were sat behind jason sudeikis and um it was with his kid yeah was one of the high flying birds there failing to get in the inner circle of noel

gallagher as well this is the starriest box in the world jill scott was in there as well anyway so we sat behind jason sudeikis and he's there with his kid and it's a really beautiful shot because it's like he's kids cuddling into him and then you've got man sitting arson when they're full stadium go mad in the background i said to lloyd oh mate that's a that's a beautiful photo you should take it for him and send it to him like if i saw you and your daughter like you know like a thing and it was a really good because you're my mate and i work with you i'd take the phone oh josh i found there was a really nice photo of you and you don't work, you know. I said to Lloyd, and this is what... I went, you should take a photo of that and send it

to him. He was like, what? I went, take a photo of... And he was like, no. I went, what? He went, no. I went, yeah, but he's your mate. And he's like... He was like, nah. A bit weird, isn't it? I went, well, no. Yeah, it is weird if you don't know him,

but you're giving it the bigger, like, oh, it's works coming do you know what i mean oh no anyway when they're no gallagher's in that i'm struggling a little bit because it's no gallagher yeah i'll be honest with you that is for me there's only one name in that box that's really setting the pulse racing no it's rare it's rare that you meet so in our job you meet people like i wouldn't be going fucking hell you met colo tory but noel gallagher is one of the people that is really exciting to me exactly and it's difficult because you know he's got sort of reputation anyway i know him for a mutual friend as i see him i'm like hello man i give him a fuck it's a weird sort of if you're like if you're famous, thumbs up. Yeah, that kind of like Beatle owners. You have to acknowledge someone else who's famous.

Yeah, exactly. So there was a thumbs up. And then obviously he's concentrating on the game. He stands up for quite a lot of the game. It's not really a problem because of his height. Are you sure? Hasn't he? I've met him before.

This is coming from me. He's surprisingly short. Yeah, exactly. And I'm not massive either. Anyway, he's quite quiet. But then as soon as Man City win, he walks in as like, thanks for coming, lads, and just like laughing at us. Is he doing the walk?

Like the kind of Gallagher-esque walk? Yeah, he's doing the walk towards the end because he's happy that they've won. Right? Yeah. Anyway, so we're all chatting and he's a really nice bloke and he's really friendly and happy and he's getting drunk and laughing and take the piss out of arsenal which is fine um and then started telling me that mathematically newcastle could finish above us and i was like no i'm not having that mate but um but then i wanted obviously wanted a picture with no because it's no but i

didn't want to ask so i literally just threw my mates under the bus but no you don't mind do my mates want a picture he's like oh of course rob don't worry about it obviously i'm in it i'm in the photo as well but i just but i played it like you know what it's like mate absolute nightmare these mugs what a photo obviously i don't and i'm in it like that trying to get in it anyway so yeah it was really good but it wasn't quite exciting but it's always exciting meeting they'll go like did you mention parenting and whether he wants to talk to her about it for 50 minutes absolutely not no but you know people in bands like that i've listened to oasis all my life and at quite important moments they're quite for laddy laddy group they have a strong emotional connection with blokes more so than you'd expect from anything laddy i mean and it's sort of an unsaid thing but i'd say most

blokes have cried to an oasis song at some point. Yeah. Or it's made them feel incredible. But that's the thing. You can't really, I think, if you ever meet any of your musical idols, you cannot talk to them about the song because it means so much more to you than them. So you want to go, oh, yeah, that song, that, because I used to listen to that. They don't care.

It's weird. They don't want to know that you've connected to it emotionally. It makes it really odd if you're just having know that you've connected to it emotionally it makes it really odd if you're just having a beer after the football to be like oh yeah i remember when i got broken up and i used to listen to that and it made me feel good about my life thank you thank you like fuck off you little rat get out of it exactly he's had it but i think my advice would be don't ever mention no music just let them bully you about football yeah that's fine also you're at that you're at their ground you've've been smashed 4-1.

You've got to take it. What was difficult was afterwards, it's like a bar, and I'd say 25 Man City fans come up to us like, enjoy that. You enjoy that. Oh, God. No, obviously, because we lost. Like, what do we say?

Oh, God. But this happened, and this was really awkward. I'd say it's the most awkward moment of my entire life, Josh. Yes, please. Yes, please. It was so awkward i'd say it's most awkward moment in my entire life josh yes please yes please it was so awkward i had to physically hide i crouched down behind a car oh my god oh my god so let's go back to james my mate james absolute legend see the new yorker new yorker he's james right he's the loveliest most non-assuming guy ever when he's pissed he's an absolute liability but not a really bad one he's not fighting or kicking off he'll just he just you just won't realize he's absolutely battered

and then he'll either you'll either lose him you'll just get lost in somewhere that you shouldn't get lost he got lost coming out of the ground there was one exit the other place was the pitch right he didn't go on the pitch did he no he didn't go to pitch he'll fall asleep stuff like that and he really cares about arsenal if arsenal lose i'm like that's a shame whatever he will just sit there going oh come on but what i'm just like three hours later in the pub when everyone else is having a drink he'll shout about someone not tracking back okay yeah yeah so we're in the box and someone from nc goes rob would you and your friends like to meet the players after the game? Oh, no. So we're like, okay, that sounds amazing, sure. But that also sounds high stakes.

Huge high stakes. They've just lost 4-1 as well. So they're not going to be in the best mood. Also, I don't know if it's Man City or Arsenal or what, but also they're all about 21. They don't care about me. And I'm like a 40-year-old bloke just trying, and I don't want to ask a 20-year-old boy to have a photo. Do you know what I mean?

Like, I respect and admire these footballers, but I don't want to be fangirling them. I don't even want to be their friends. It would just be awkward because they'll all be wearing horrible jeans and I have to just stand there pretending to know about Drake. So I'm like, I don't want this smoke. No. But I'm like, okay, but I'm one of those people that's like,

I'm open to a new experience. Yeah, you've got to meet them given the option. Right, yeah. But so when we get down there, we're not really meeting, and we're in this corridor, which is from the dressing room to the car park, and there's like a horde, especially, you know, like in the NTAs where you meet people on the red carpet and all the autograph hunters are behind like a barrier.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we get shuffled around. They're just four 40 year old blokes and then there's young kids and there's people that look like they've won competitions or it's like they're from charities and they're waiting there to meet the players they've got shirts they've got cameras they're ready to go so i'm stood there and then like i thought this is a bit awkward then trossard comes out arsenal player and refuses to have a photo of a kid and the kids are like can i get a photo? And he went, next time.

I'm like, next time? There is no next time for this kid. But I also get it as well, that if he has a photo and he's all smiling and that goes online, people are like, what are you doing smiling after the game? It's very difficult for footballers. Yeah, but I was like, oh, that's it. And then I'm like,

I'm stood there and he shuffles past. But it's a bit like a, you know, a funeral where you shake all the people's hands that come oh yeah because Arsenal just been they've lost the league they've been demolished the mood the mood is awake you can hear all the Man City like players still laughing and joking and singing oh my god so now I'm just stood in this corridor and these Arsenal players and they've all got black tracksuits on as well so it looks like they're in mourning right so the lady lovely ladies with us she said oh um actually it's a bit awkward around here should we do you want to go around here it might be a bit easier for you i was like okay and i don't really know what i'm like so in the end we're now we're in the car park right by the coach and all the cars and it's

two security guards me my mate who's an arsehole fan who's absolutely shit-faced lloyd and dom who sports bradford right yeah and we're all and lloyd obviously knows a lot of players as well because they're through soccer am and he's got loads of mates with ramsdale and stuff like that so he sort of half knows them but we're being moved around like we're competition winners like it's and then so anyway i'm just stood there and then i don't know what's going on. And Nathan Ackie comes out, who's Man City's sort of reserve centre-back. Nice guy.

And the security guards goes, they would like a photo. I'm like, oh no, no, no. I don't want a photo. I don't want to photo. I don't want to not have a photo. I don't want to, I don't want to photo. Like also, especially, I don't want to have photos of Man City players after they've beaten Arsenal. Like, that's not okay

so in the end Dom took one for the team and I was like Dom you're going to have to have a photo with him and we had to pretend that it was Dom

and now Dom's got a photo of Nathan Aki right and then I'm like oh god this is really awkward and then then this is the bit that like but James

my mate James isn't used to these sort of things no well very few people are used to being put in a car park and told to have a photo of Nathan Aki.

He's also... He's been with Ted Lasso, Noel Gallagher, Jack Wilde. He doesn't understand. He's like, this is not what he's used to at all. Yeah.

And then Martin Odegaard, Rob Holding and Ben White come out. Arsenal. All Arsenal. All Arsenal players. Some of the biggest names at Arsenal in a while. Yeah. And also british guy english guys that i i think i've met before but

i'm not sure an event and i'm like oh god this is awkward because i'm just stood in the car park and i'm worried that the stewards are gonna say they want a photo right but they didn't ask that because James starts clapping Martin, Rob, Ben it's not over, we can still do it keep this shit up lads and I'm like what are you doing oh no but he's

doing it drunk so he's like lads come, so I'm like this is all, I can't and I'm like, first of all it I can't. And I'm like, first of all, it is over. The league's definitely over. It's mental. It's absolutely insane. Did they see you?

Well, Lloyd fell to the floor and hid in the corner. I walked behind the car and sat down. And I've never dropped my mate out quicker. Don, who's a Bradford fan, stood there. What's going on? But it was like, so it was so awkward. Cause he was,

he was like, he was like clapping him. Like Mark. Did they have to walk past him? Yeah. Yeah. Like next, like,

like as close as if he was in a lift. Oh my fuck. But he's given, but, and I'm just like, and he's, and obviously James is just a massive fan and he's not used to this. But he was applauding him. Like you would, if you're a massive fan. And he's not used to this sort of thing. But he was applauding him like you would if you were in the stands.

Yeah, yeah. And it's great because he cares and he's really upset. I don't know if he's great, yeah. Well, he's coming from a good place because he's upset that Arsenal have lost. Yeah, yeah. And they look so sad. He was trying to cheer them up. Oh, God.

And I still get red when I think about it. Oh, God. How did they react? He said Martin Odegaard winked at him. But I was hid behind a car. That is mortifying. But I don't want to be mean like James. I love you, James.

And I don't even know if he listens to this. Have you spoken to him this morning? No. We were both so drunk, though. And drunk the night before. I've been so pissed for two days. Yeah, it's not like you. Because you's not like i'm excited when was the last time you got drunk two days in a row not for ages and i've genuinely not had more than two drinks for about six months and then yeah because we james came in and we were just in manchester in manchester like two bloody lads

lou said go and have a couple of days with your mate it's more boozy when i'm not on tour than i am on tour yeah I didn't drink on tour But we just sat in the sun It was really sunny in Manchester on Tuesday And just got like drunk in the sun And then we hadn't eaten And then we all got giggly and giddy And got carried away

And then carried on to the next That's my voice is bad How late were you out Rob? I'm living vicariously through you these days How late were you out? Well no we started drinking at midday on the tuesday word and then um went to rickety vase and then when i was in bed by 11 but half 11 so it wasn't it wasn't too bad but yeah i just i just haven't got it in me anymore it's over um oh kid stuff

though sorry that was a massive tangent but from the kid stuff um the two things we need to talk about one is the pile what's the pile so because we're moving right and i don't know about your house but basically there's always clean washing on the spare room bed that's basically where it goes and then at some point it's supposed to go in a cupboard or a drawer yeah yeah we're never really on top of that doesn't really happen we sort of live off that bed but then because we've got these really old rackety ikea furniture that we need to get rid of because we don't want to take to a new place but no one will have them they're like falling apart kind of it in felt tips and stickers so I've broke them all up and put them in a skip and then put the clothes that are in

there on the pot on the pile to uh either go to charity shop be re-hung up work out what's fit and then I've been working Lou's been working the pile's out of control mate all of the clothes there's nothing there's no clothes anywhere apart from the pile. And now the girls are referring to it as the pile. Oh, no. And then when we had a babysitter, one of my daughters got the top dirty, and then the babysitter went, let's get you some new clothes. Where are they? And they haven't got any wardrobes or drawers in their rooms now, the kids.

And the kids were like, they're on the pile. And the babysitter was like, what's the pile? And then Lou always shuts the spare room door when we have anyone over. But it's like, you know, like Monica's closet in Friends. And then my daughter showed the babysitter the pile. And we're both living in shame about the pile. But Lou's done a video. We're contemplating showing social media the pile to shame us into sorting it out.

Because it is disgusting. Yeah, of course. Like I i did with my car is a pile worse than my car do you know what it's worse but it's not as disgusting as it's all clean so the room's clean and the stuff's clean let me i'm gonna send you the pile um and you can see the pile we're ashamed of it but hopefully if we come out as come out as pilers we can make other pilers feel okay yes yeah exactly we can't be the only one with an out of control pile but the pile started creeping downstairs josh so what's on it all of your clothes all of the clothes so basically when we do the washing and it's clean i say we mainly lou we'll bring it up and put it on the spare room bed. So get it out of the kitchen. Fucking Nora, Rob.

Fucking how? That is mental. That is unbelievable. Because it's not just clean clothes. It's clothes that need to be either thrown away because they're stained or sent to a charity shop. It's an organization job, isn't it?

It's unbelievable. I know. It's awful, isn't it? Oh, so, you know, I say my daughter wasn't sleeping very well. Anyway, so we've started bribing her by saying, if you slay in your bed and don't come back out,

you can get those little bunnies that they love from Sainsbury's, where you put like a quid in the machine and get a bunny. So they're two quid a go. But since we've said that, she's slept through the whole night, three nights in a row. So we're six quid a go but since we've said that she slept through the whole night three nights in a row so we're six quid down yeah and every morning she comes in and goes do i get a bunny and then you go yes however i'm just looking at this from a budgeting point of view i think two quid a night's worth it for a good night's sleep it's not bad bro if you say your kid will never wake you up in the night for two quid right

you are taking that deal every day yeah of course yeah every day it's like buying a coffee isn't it it's like buying a coffee you don't think about

buying a coffee and the energy you get from sleeping through the night is better than the coffee take away the need for the coffee exactly exactly Rob

but the only the main worry is bunnies once she's got all because she the main worry is bunnies. Because she'll get all the bunnies after about a month. Yeah, but then you could change it to something else of equal value. Yeah, but I'm just saying that at the moment we're paying two quid a night. How old is she? Which I don't think is bad.

Five. So if you're looking at another 13 years of that. I'm not having an 18-year-old coming in in the morning going, do I get my bunny? I say, no. There's more problems going on. Are're still up for the bunny at 18 we've got bigger fish to fry i'm afraid i had a similar situation rob you know i said i was going to do um learning to ride a bike yeah so i don't think i updated on this i don't think i updated on

learning to ride a bike i said to my daughter because her bike she's had it since her third birthday i think it was unused basically yeah classic we've left in the garden enough that's gone quite rusty right sure so i said when you learn to ride your bike i'll buy you a new bike okay well because she sort of needs one and you assume that's going to take a little while i was like well she needs a new bike and this. Well, cause she sort of needs one and you assume that's going to take a little while. I was like, well, she needs a new bike and this will make her learn to ride a bike. Also.

I don't think she's going to learn to ride a bike at this stage. So I'm pretty confident. I'm not buying a new bike. Yeah. 24 hours later, she's learned to ride a bike, Rob. Okay.

So I'm down a bike straight away. I couldn't believe it. It happened to the point where I was holding onto her and she was going, stop holding on to me and then she just rode off. So have you bought her a bike or what are you getting her? I'd say we go to the shop.

Because she needs to be sized up. Yeah, exactly. What have we got? We've got a Ridgeway or something like that. They're pretty good. Have you? The old Ridgeways.

And then I could just adjust them until they're about seven. What else is going on with you, Josh? because her bike at the moment is quite small she looks like you know when a clown rides a really small bike so will you be able to use it when she gets a new one then she wants me to get a bike so we can go on bike rides that's nice oh i can't i don't know can you not ride a bike she Can you swim? I can ride a bike. And so can you swim, though? I can ride a bike.

Let's move. No, I can't swim. We've discussed this before. At length. At length. At width. At width, more like, were you? Or depth.

So you've got to learn to swim, though. I know. It's on the list. But the list is currently. So you've got driving for Rose, you. I know it's on the list, but the list is currently. So you've got driving for Rose, you for swimming. What else is on your list?

Oh, pick up some glasses from the opticians. Tidy up is on my list. Tidy up. All right, Mr. Pyle. At least some of us are trying to tidy up.

I know. Sorry. Just tidy up. He's like that. That's just got to be on the list every day at some point though. Like you're never getting that off the list. Just tidy up. He's like, that's just got to be on the list every day at some point, though. Like, you're never getting that off the list. That's like writing down breathing. No, but I've got to sort out my office.

Maybe that's why I need to tidy up. All right. Okay, fair enough. So what's this learning to swim plan? Oh, learn to swim. It's not really a plan. No, because you're tired. Too tired,

Rob. So does your daughter go swimming lessons? No, she's starting at school next year, so we've let it, we've let it go slack because we know

they'll pick up the slack. Yeah, yeah, she's been quite a few times. She did swimming lessons and then they changed the way that you book them on the website

of the leisure centre and it was too annoying. So how come you never learned? I was allergic to chlorine. Yeah. I was going to say, what happens when you get in glory? No,

I'm all right. Oh, you're all right now though. Just your skin was bad. Right. So yeah, I suppose you can't go yet yeah can you just learn to swim in the sea that's a tough place to learn in it the sea

tough place to learn the sea isn't it in a way i'd say i'd say you know things that could go wrong out way things that could go right in that situation well you said just take my three-year-old into the sea there's a lot more to lose than gain by when you learn to swim in the sea i'd say all that's the water that would be good for your skin wouldn't it it would yeah when people say into the sea. There's a lot more to lose than gain when you learn to swim in the sea, I'd say. All that salt water would be good for your skin, wouldn't it? When people say they can't swim... No, I could get in a swimming pool and do some strokes.

You could do lengths. Breaststroke? I don't know if I could do a length. I do breaststroke with my arms and kick with my legs. Crawl with my legs, breaststroke with my arms. Could you jump into a pool and swim to the bottom and up again? Or would that no fuck that really yeah unless it was the shallow end so i just thought i just forgot i think you should why don't you do a little tv show i don't want to learn on i want to do something that's not documented by the fucking tv cameras or podcasts i just want a

private moment in the swimming pool you want a private moment in the swimming pool. You want a private moment in the swimming pool. So it's going to be stressful though. What's going to happen though, Josh, is if you can't swim, so... I know you don't need this, you're getting stressed, but you're, as soon as your daughter has proper lessons, like mine

now, will swim you off into the deep end. So if they're in the deep end, are you going to allow them to go in the deep end? Because I'd be quite anxious watching them swim away. Rose can fucking go. I do all the fucking driving. Rose can go. Sorry.

Oh, sorry. I'm so tired, Rob. I'm absolutely fucking tired. Your hair's gone massive as well I know you're tired now I don't care I do care that's why

we've got Birmingham Arena tomorrow Josh you better have an eye for that I will I will I can turn it on as Nick Knowles will attest having been on the wheel with me anyway

yeah tell us who was on the wheel so I did I did and then i went to the gym i was like i've got the car here i've got a car it's really far away the wheel it's an hour and a half yep yeah absolute win just a bit of time to myself read my book listen to my music did the wheel then um get home about 11 go straight to bed cast 7 15 in the morning for portrait artists of the year i mean a very different type of show i really from one to the other how far away how's the journey what's the journey for portrait artists about an hour about an hour i'm late for the car obviously but there we go you're late for everything aren't you i i

am yeah i was early today. Well, not really. I was on time. You was on time, but you were also eating a bowl of porridge that we had to watch you eat for three minutes. And then when we did start, your headphones didn't work. I wouldn't say that's early. If we worked in an office and I

was like the boss and you were one of the employees, we'd be like, that bloody hell, that Josh is in early, isn't he keen, eager to work? He's an achiever. He's a crafter. He turned up on time eating his breakfast without headphones. This guy's ready to go. Oh, my life. And also, that porridge is way too hot to eat.

The steam coming off it as you put it in your mouth. I couldn't believe it. I didn't know what to do, mate. Portrait artist of the year. Where's Shirley Ballas? Oh, right. So you're both in your mouth. I couldn't believe it. I didn't know what to do, mate. Portrait artist of the year with Shirley Ballas. Oh, right. So you're both getting drawn together. No, no, no,

not posing together. It's three different celebrities. Right. An opera singer who, full disclosure, I wasn't aware of beforehand, but he was a hoot. Yeah.

And you've all been drawn separately? Yeah, yeah, painted, yeah. You get three artists painting you. I don't get how it works. So do they all have have to paint someone different or they'll paint all three of you in you get nine artists three three three for each and then can they choose you or do they get given you they don't know who they're gonna get right okay and are they excited to see you they were buzzing is there a little clap little applause i did hear um joan bakewell interviewing one of my artists and asked,

she asked if they were a fan of me and he said he'd never heard of me. So that was, I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I didn't know, but you know, I think it will. Had a lovely day. You have to sit for four hours,

Rob. Four hours. So the four separate hours, you get a little break each hour. What's your position? That was my position. Just sat back in a chair yeah is that comfy did you regret the position i did after a while because then one of my legs went dead

right because i'd crossed my legs so four hours are you like you're not allowed to are you talking no no it's every every hour you get up for a bit you get a little break every hour right so you just sit for an hour without moving or talking at all you can chat to the artists you can move a little bit they'll tell you if you can you know i'd end up just doing a new material gig yeah i bet you would so fuck that painting off just sit down let's have a chat i had such a big lunch as well that was such a mistake oh yeah but so you got there at 7 8 9 a.m and then so what time did you get home uh about 5 30 6 they have you all day yeah it. It's like a job, Rob. Oh my God. No,

no, but no, you don't in and out, mate, four hours. No, but you're not just doing four hours, are you?

Cause there's little breaks. There's a lunch break. You've got to have a chat. Interviews, all that kind of stuff. You've made a TV show before, Rob. Yeah,

but I've really got to like it to be there all day. Well, I left not thinking that you'd enjoy it, but I instantly texted Tom Allen and said, I've got the show that you would love to do. I couldn't sit there for four hours. I'd go so... Unless they let me lie down and go to sleep and I'd do it then.

I just don't think it was for you, Rob, but I had one of the best days of my life. Did you do that angle of, like, you're tired and you're just going to go to sleep? No, because I wasn't that tired in the morning. I was buzzed up. I was excited. And then after lunch, I was buzzed up. I was excited. And then after lunch, I was in a...

Well, that's your problem, Josh. That's why you have... Because you get this tired, but like for the gig tomorrow... It's because I love doing these things. Exactly. So you'll get a buzz of energy and adrenaline and the show will go great. But then once that excitement's gone, then you crash. So that's why you always keep going, isn't it?

But you've got to time off. That's the problem. It's like, do I really want to do this show i enjoy doing the wheel i really wanted to do portrait artists of the year i want to do our tour it's not like i'm you know i'm not like someone in the city speech i'm not someone in the city who's going i hate my job but when i'm 50 i'm gonna quit and i'm never gonna work again i'm going i can't believe i get to do these things i'm gonna do them and before i know it i'm doing 10 of them in the fucking week that's what happens all right okay and you still can't swim yet and you haven't tidied up oh god rob i haven't tidied

up um right um we haven't really talked about kids but that's fine that shows our lives it's just slice of life guys this is what we do when work calms down for especially for you next week josh um right um oh should we do a small business shout out so oh you know i mentioned that woman that said did you get that email about my charity and i said i probably won't be able to read that michael will sort it out it's here it's here there we go so it does what the system does work small business shout out hi robin josh i'd love a sbs for a charity i co-founded which helps food banks across the country it's called bank the food we offer a free app which will send you a ping when you're at the supermarket telling you what your local

food bank needs giving you a reminder at the precise time that reminder is needed this makes sure food banks get exactly what they need and not just baked beans. In the short term we've been running, we've amassed over 31,500 users on the app, supporting over 350 food banks across the UK. Food banks are a sad reality at the moment for many families, but weekly donations are down because of the cost of living crisis. We are simply asking people to download our free app, follow the local food bank, and if they're in a position to donate, to give what they can. Joe Lysak kindly voiced our promotional film for us last year which made a huge difference to

highlight our work and support the food banks we work with best wishes emma and so that's really good because actually sometimes if there's certain people that need certain things at those food banks they can send you a little message on your app and you can get that and donate it and i think that's a very clever way of doing it josh don't you yeah i think that is really good i think um i'm so tired rob i'm fucked yeah okay but tired or not you're a big fan of people that donate to food banks i am i'm on myself right do you want to do you one because there's a difference being tired and not talking I'm saving myself we've got to interview Peter Andre and Imogen Lilly

in a minute mate and I'm saving honestly Rob I am hi Rob and Josh I would like to dedicate this small business shout out to my sister Fran

Fran has spent the last couple of years persuading me to give you a podcast a listen but always put it off as I'm not a parent however I've been in the need for a laugh recently and now cannot stop listening years persuading me to give you podcast a listen but always put it off as i'm not a parent however i've been in the need for a laugh recently and now cannot stop listening took me a while to admit to

her how much i love it as a thank you to my sister i'd love a shout out to fran she is a vet physio and set up a small business called oakwood veterinary physio she covers most of yorkshire provides physio to horses and dogs she She's great at what she does, and I'm super proud of her setting up her own business. Her Instagram is at oakwoodvetphysio. Thanks for all the laughs, Anna in Hull. See you on Friday, Rob, when we've got a big old guest. And we'll be back to full mast, I think, next week.

It's just been a bit of a busy period with the live show. Oh, yeah, it's just been tough, of a busy period with the live show so oh yeah it's just been tough but in a great way wicked anecdotes we'll see our children you know yeah

wicked alright then see you on Friday bye I'm Ivo Graham and I'm Alex Keeley we're stand-up comedians who love music and we'd like to tell you

about our new podcast Gig Pigs Alex and I have been watching live music together for years, so we've decided to compromise this hobby, and potentially our friendship, by turning it into a project.

Every episode, we'll be going to a gig and then discussing it afterwards with the friends who came along to third wheel us. Asking questions like, did you enjoy the gig? Did you check the set list

in advance? Did you appreciate the artist's mid-song banter? Did this gig profoundly change your relationship with live music? Was the Cloakrum queue prohibitively long? We've been to Franz Ferdinand with Rosematte Feo and Emma Ciddy, Kendrick Lamar with Phil Wang and The Cure with Celia A.B. And next month we're going with Ed Gamble to watch Napalm Death. Episodes are out from this Thursday and every Thursday thereafter until attending live music once a week with a

different guest becomes logistically impossible. We have no idea how soon that could be, so join us now by going to your preferred podcast platform and searching Gig Pigs. If you like Josh Whittacombe, you're in luck. That's because the co-host of Parents in Hell and The Last Leg Maestro is the guest on the first episode of the always be comedy podcast out now and with me your host and emcee always be comedy james gill each week the cream of comedy curates their fantasy comedy gig who'd open who'd close what gig nightmare do they never want to relive all this and much much more it's essentially comedy gossip gossip and chat. You know, I remembered this the other day. My first ever gig.

It was like a Friday night open mic night. And they said, we'll just announce you on when you're on. We haven't got a running order. It's a bit free form. I got to the end of the night and then they wrapped it up and they'd forgotten to put me on. And I'd sat there the whole night. The whole night. We've also got Stuart Lee, Harry Hill, Jen Brister, Ben Bailey-Smith, Maisie Adam,

Al Murray, Rachel Parris and many, many more coming up. That's the Always Be Comedy podcast, out now with new episodes every Tuesday. If you're not in the queue and you are waiting, then step to the side. He got in touch and said, yeah, sorry, mate, you didn't seem like yourself the other day. You've only met me three times. The self-service checkout. I don't care what you're called. I'm not getting tricked into working here. People at festivals in those stupid jester hats.

I glanced at a tampon. £2.69 for a bottle of water. Why is your Wi-Fi code 10 characters long? It starts guiding you. I don't care if you're watching Boost Cut Jeans. What's upset you now? I'm Sean Walsh. And I'm Paul McCaffrey. We are the hosts of What's Upset You Now?

The UK's angriest podcast. And we are back for Series 5. Booyah! We all love a good moan, don't we? And Sean and I, well, Sean mostly, are two of the best in the absolute business. And every Tuesday and Thursday, we moan about all those little things that really get our goat. We also have guests. What guests have we had, Sean?

We have had Romesh Ranganathan, Rob Beckett, Mark Lamar, Joe Brand, Catherine Ryan, Tom Allen. 15-minute episodes every Tuesday and Thursday. Brand new What's Up Set You Now Series 5 out now. Oh, for God's sake.