Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP34: Jim Jefferies

Episode Date: May 5, 2023

Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant comedian - Jim Jefferies. You can find info and tickets for his tour at https://jimjefferies.com/tour-2022 Parenting Hell is available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whittacombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with finney can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Well done. Rob Beckett. Oh, I like that kid. I like that kid's energy. He's nice and he's cute.

Vinnie. Good name, Vinnie. Vinnie. He took a casual bite of a cheesy biscuit midway through. There we go. Vinnie's a good name, but if he's from South East London, people will think he'll be hard. Did I say where they're from? Cheltenham.

Oh, you can be Vinny in Cheltenham. Yeah. Vincent, come this way. I only discovered your podcast when I had Vinny, and it was a godsend during the bleak winter of 2020 when he was small. Thanks for being so sexy and relatable. Love, Carrie. Carrie and Vinny from cheltenham

lovely stuff do you want to hear about drawing rob what's that mate do you want to hear about my drawing yeah we trailed it we trailed it we trailed this you've you're learning a new skill what is that skill draw it well i decided because we've discussed this before learn something you're not not learned get into something you're not good at because a bit like that you can just relax into you don't you're not trying to make anything of it you're just having fun so um for my birthday I asked for and Rose bought me there's a I'm doing a drawing master class online every morning this week from eight to nine yeah so five days in a row yeah Yeah, to learn skills of drawing. So what have you drawn so far?

Well, you have three objects. Do you want to see my drawing? Well, obviously it's day one. So is this a Zoom with a real person? Yeah, it's a Guardian Masterclass, a Guardian Drawing Masterclass. I logged in. Most stiff neck in the world, yeah?

It's the most on-brand Josh Winnicott. Couple of little fellas imagine you've put jim jeffries into your podcast search into spotify and you've gone i'll listen to that because i love jim jeffries and then you get two fucking blokes talking about the guardian drawing masterclass skip to the interview it'll be about eight or nine minutes in so so what so what should we be more laddy in this intro and attempt to get more so what are you drawing tits yeah tits and fannies

really good at drawing anime porn by the end of the week so i locked in. You can see all the other people. Yeah. I am the youngest by 30 years. Really? I wanted to draw. I love drawing with my daughter, so I thought I'm going to learn. Not learn. I'm going to try and get better at drawing. Yeah. And I'm enjoying myself so far.

Day one. That's nice. Yeah. Bought my three objects. What object? What are you drawing? So you're going to draw an object with a lot of sharp... An object with round things.

So I've got a mug here. Yeah. Right, okay. An object that's kind of malleable and soft. I've got a Plymouth Argyle scarf. And an object with hard edges. I've got a mini-eggs box. A mini-eggs Easter egg box.

So you're drawing a mug, a scarf and a box? Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to see some of my drawings? Yeah, yeah, I do actually. Do you? Where are, I can't remember where I put them. They're framed on the wall, aren't they?

Yeah, I mean, I'm not brilliant yet, Rob. Let's have a look at this. So this one was done with my left hand. So you do loads of exercises. What would you do in your right hand? Wanking? Oh, here we go. Just trying to make it laddy. Enjoy it, Jim Jefferies fans. Enjoy it. This is your non-dominant,

two-minute drawing with your non-dominant hand. Right, okay. I can't really see it. Your camera's not good. It's all grainy for me. I don't know if that's what we're getting at.

You might have to take photos of it, Josh. I can't. I'll take photos and send it to you. They're not very good. What I'll do, Rob, is next week I'll...

You'll be taking day one. Yeah, exactly. So I'll send you the start of the week and the end of the week. What I'll do, Rob, is next week... You'll be free day one. Yeah, exactly. So I'll send you the start of the week and the end of the week. That's exciting. I think that's a good... It's good to have other hobbies and do different things. I feel excited by the fact I've got a hobby. It's liberating.

Totally, Rob. And this is maybe a bit too zen and a bit wishy-washy, but if you label yourself as something too much, then the ego gets in the way and then you can't do anything new or exciting because you're like i'm a comedian i can't draw i like plymouth i don't like this i don't like that and you put yourself in but if you are just open to new things then you know you're drawing you're drawing all week and you get out your own edge you're not just thinking about work all the time or the kids so exactly i can't think of anything worse to do five days in a row at 8 a.m however everyone's different and i'm

glad you're happy rob get this right so we're recording this before the tour this week yeah i'm gonna have to get up in the hotel the day of the O2 to do my final drawing lesson. In a hotel in Cardiff. Really? Yeah. We get to Cardiff at 2am on Wednesday night. I've got a drawing lesson six hours later. You'll be tired for the gig. You'll be knackered. I'm sorry guys.

I was up drawing a scarf. One of the things about those three objects is I was like, well, I've got to choose my objects wisely because I've got to pack them with me to go on tour. Yeah, but surely, is it fun to draw a box? Well, not so far.

One of my drawings, I ran out of time because I was too busy working on the mini-eggs logo. I'll be honest with you. That's a lesson learned early doors. I just want to be able to draw really confidently and enjoy it. Yeah. That would be a skill I'd love. Brilliant.

Well, I'm rooting for you, Josh. Yeah. I would like to study psychology, Josh. That's what I'd quite like to do. Would you? And get like a PhD. I'd love to be a professor. Oh, I'd love that.

You should do it. Should I become a professor? You should join a university. How long does it take? I've got a 2.1 degree in tourism from a polytechnic. How quickly can I get to a psychology professor from that? You could do an Open University psychology. Here you go.

The Open University psychology. Talk me through it. What have I got to do? Okay. Psychology and counselling at the OU. Yeah? Yeah. Does that mean I do it from home? The university yeah do it yourself there you go diploma in higher

education in psychology a degree do you want to do a degree in psychology well i've already got a degree can i go can i i'm already but not in psychology postgrad postgrad aren't i yeah is there like a fast track okay do you want to go part-time or full-time, Rob? I think I'll have to go part-time. I don't think I've got... Okay. Part-time, it takes you six years. Fucking hell.

What goes full-time? Three years. Yeah, I like that. How full-time is... Because when I was at uni, I did eight hours a week. And I don't think full-time studying is the same as full-time working when you run your own business. You need to do, how much time will I need?

If you do part-time, you'll need to spend 16 to 18 hours a week. That's part-time. Oh, but I'll piss that. Really? That's three days. Not the way I work out days, mate. How much are you sleeping? Oh, it's the wrong guest for this intro really, isn it but there we go you know what i am gonna do that not i reckon when the kids are older i'm

gonna do that 100 great full sign you up what i'll do is i'll try and make a tv show out of it oh here we go someone's always looking for money right now from drawing classes psychology degrees to um the bad boy of uh worldwide comedy was very excited to get jim jeffries i was surprised why he agreed to do it because he doesn't do many podcasts no he doesn't do many podcasts and you wouldn't expect this one to be the one would you no exactly so um we do find out why he's done it though which is very interesting um please welcome one of the best comedians in the world jim jeffries welcome to the show jim jeffries thanks for having me lads i appreciate it we're very excited to have you on yeah we are and you're well it's not so much that you're excited we hear that the reason

you're here isn't is is kind of parenting related well it's it's very parenting related my my mother-in-law so obviously my wife's mother she uh is this is her favorite podcast by a mile she goes on about you two all the time and that's our demographic yes that's the way in and so so she kept on going oh you have to go on this parenting podcast i would make my date my year if you're on this parenting podcast it came in because i don if you're on this parenting podcast. So when Dr. came in, because I don't do many podcasts, I said right away, so I'd like to give a shout-out to my mother-in-law, Beckett, who... Beckett.

No wonder it's her favourite. Becca, Becca, Becca, who lives in Burgess Hill, just outside of Brighton, where my lovely wife was brought up. And so she listens to this podcast. So I'm doing it for her to talk about her grandchildren. Lovely. Yeah, how many kids you got, Jim? I got two kids.

I got one that's a year and ten months or nine months, and I got a ten-year-old. Right. Nice. Two different women, two different women. But me ex lives just up the road and we all stay and hang out together. And when me and the wife go out, my ex babysits for us and everything.

So we're all very good. Wow. What a great setup. That's unheard of. People are weird about it. Whenever they hear that, they just, people would prefer to you go, Oh, I hate my ex. She's a bitch or something. they just, people would prefer to you to go,

oh, I hate my ex, she's a bitch or something. That would be more comforting for people than to go, he's a lovely person who helps us babysit. She's wonderful. We're all family, man. We're all taking care of these kids together. That's lovely. I think maybe the gap helps with that, doesn't it?

Yeah, completely. If it was three months apart, she might have the arm. I assume both of them might've been upset with that one. My son's not, you know, he's at the age where he's just happy to have a sibling, you know, like he's not jealous or anything because there's enough of a gap.

But I remember he asked all the time, like, can he have a brother or sister? can he have a brother or sister? Can he have a brother or sister? And I kept on thinking, like, do you like this house? And one day, do you want all of it or half of it? This is a choice you're making right now just for a bit of extra company when you're a kid.

Obviously, you're from Australia and then you met your partner in the UK. Now you're in LA. Well, my partner's from the UK, but I met her partner in the UK. Now you're in LA. Well, my partner's from the UK, but I met her in LA. Oh, you met her in LA. Sorry. So she's from the UK. You met her in LA.

So what your child or your children, what are they? Are they just pure American? What's their accent? What's their attitude? What they describe themselves as? The 10-year-old, you know, obviously has an American accent, plays Little League baseball yeah um you know but uh occasionally i hear him he'll be playing fortnight with his

friends and he'll be like hey go around the back shoot that guy covering me cover me and then he'll go good work mate and i'm just like it always sounds funny coming out of that accent but i got him an Australian passport. We go to Australia all the time. The baby I haven't got any extra passports for, but I think we'll get him probably an English one. So we've got all of our bases covered so we can all be spies and travel around the world with our multiple passports. And what's it like with kids growing up in L.A.?

Is it kind of – are you in Hollywood? Is it Starry? Yeah, look, my kid goes to school and i won't say any names because i can't really because in the school but all the kids at my kids school are all the parents are all movie stars and professional athletes famous musicians and stuff like that oh i want names so i know you can't buy one name so, Jim. I'll tell you as soon as we get off. Fair enough. Okay.

But no, no, my kid goes to some very exciting birthday parties. I will say this one because we're not at the school anymore, but my kid used to go to preschool with Gal Gadot's daughter. Wow. And he never, I don't think they were friends or anything, and I was always trying to push a bit of a friendship because I wanted to go to thatot's daughter. Wow. And he never, he never, I don't think they were friends or anything. And I was always trying to push a bit of a friendship because I wanted to go to that kid's birthday. Yeah.

So what's like pickup like? Is it, are they, or is it all just people sending nannies? Or you just stood there with X, Y and Z? There's a lot of nannies and a lot of, you know, Rolls Royces show up, but it's just, it's like, look, it's not more expensive than any other private school. It just so happens that that's, you know, this is. And I assume all the private schools around here would be the same thing, you know, it would all be movie stars and what have you.

Have you been to any of the, like, the Christmas play and stuff? Must be absolutely. The competition to be the lead in that must be incredible. This is the thing. I go and watch the Christmas to be the lead in that must be incredible. This is the thing. I go and watch the Christmas concert and I think these kids should be better. They're all from showbiz families. Like they should have picked up something. These kids are all loved and pushed.

I don't think we have any, you know, King Richards or Joe Jackson's in the school. Yeah. these kids are all loved and pushed i don't think we have any you know king richards or joe jackson's in the school that yeah no king or queen makers exactly exactly everybody's already made it they're just like this you kids can sit back and enjoy because you you had a great routine that i still quote to people and makes me laugh about you know when you're growing up you didn't have all the fancy holidays and nice lifestyle and then you managed to get lovely holidays and then you turn around and the routine is your kids sat there at like two years old enjoying this amazing desert island holiday and you'd be resentful do you still get that i'm still resentful yeah we went to hawaii

the other day and we we had to change our flights to fly back, right? And I said, oh, we can change the flights, but business class is sold out, right? And my son said, well, how would we get home? There's another classmate. Like when you see them like they're sitting up in business class in a bed you see like some like six foot four like walking through with like a balloon a pillow

around his neck just sort of strutting through and he looks at like the two-year-old sitting in the chair and it's like dude i get it man i resented it as soon as soon as the kids are old enough to take care of themselves out the back you go i reckon i'm about a year away now before i just send them to like the shocking truth of life do you tell them about your upbringing do they like do you tell them stories about what it was like for you growing up well my son he loves uh stories about me and my brothers beating each other up he thinks that you'll go can you tell me a story about when uncle danny hit you or something i told a story about my my brother chased after one of my other brothers in a fight with a golf club and and he started

hacking into the door like uh like uh you know right the shining. Right. So my dad decided that we weren't responsible enough for doors and he took all the doors off. This is like the height of puberty when you're really, your door's your best friend. We're sitting there, we're putting blankets over the door. We're about two years doorless where did he put the doors did he sell them or did he just put them in storage took them off the hinges and put them in the garage and they just sat there until he wanted

to screw them back on again but my son loves stories like that any story about you know getting smacked by your parents because it's so foreign to them now, the idea of like someone, a large woman chasing you around the house with a wooden spoon. My son thinks that sounds like a cartoon character. And I'm like, that was how it was. You clench your thigh as hard as you could. You take a few hittings until eventually the spoon would break and then you just laugh at her and that would make her even more enraged. Like that was, that was some good stuff and it's funny because i look back at it with a fondness i'm sort

of like i'm glad that sort of happened have you taken any of that into your parenting like can you ever imagine confiscating the doors uh yeah i reckon it was a it was it look it was a punishment that stuck. I never fucked around with doors again. I, to this day, have real respect for doors and what they give it. Do you do much of the, like, the disciplining? Are you the taskmaster, as it were? Yeah, I do. But, like, you know, the big discipline now is you just take away the Wi-Fi or the whatever. That seems to be the first go-to.

I started out with that whole the naughty step thing, which I never understood when they're very little when you do this. All right, you're on your naughty step. Well, someone would sit there and cry, like, and he hadn't figured out that I've never hit him, so why doesn't he just get up and walk away? Like what was this magnetic pull? Like it was a house of cards that I was like, and you have to sit there.

What would have happened if he didn't? I don't know what I would have done. Well, my daughter just walked away. We had to just abandon the naughty. The first time we put her on the naughty step, she just went upstairs. And you're like, well, game over. That was it. It was gone.

Well, what do you reckon is the top disciplines you can do for a kid, say, under four? There's not much you can do. No. The steps all you've got if they respect it. Yeah, if they respect it. You can confiscate a few things. You can go, all right, you're not getting blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, like treats. No treats is quite a good one. No one no no ice creams and stuff like that yeah the other day my son broke something by accident he broke a thing and i was just there and i i normally don't give my kids ice cream all the time only on special occasions but i do eat ice cream after they go to bed or by myself there's a lot of treat giving that I give to myself, like the amount of fast food because you're not allowed fast food, but my car's filled with fast food bags, right? And if I throw them out in my bin here, it's too obvious. So I've got to chuck them in like the neighbor's bins and all that type of stuff

so that I don't get caught not practicing what I preach, you know what I mean? So the other day he was in trouble for breaking something and I really wanted ice cream. And so I just got it out and started eating it. He goes, can I have some? I go, no, part of your punishment is you have to watch me eat ice cream. Not only I would have waited the extra hour until it was bedtime, but I just got it.

You're on this massive tour at the moment you've just done the uk but you're doing like the rest of europe you're off to you're all over the place um so do you do that on your own or do you take the family or what do you have any rules and how long you're away well i used to take my oldest boy right up until he started proper school i used to take him everywhere with me he used to come on the road everywhere and then once they start school it gets trickier you know and i try not to gig in the summer because that's when the school holidays is so i try to actually have a family vacation but i took the wife and the baby to the uk because you know becca hello you're listening because my mother-in-law took care of the baby whenever we

needed um so that was a nod because we don't have family here so that's what's good about having my ex up the road that we're all family we can all help we don't have any grandparents or anything like that and then for europe it's just it's a different city every day so i'm not gonna put the kids through that you know i mean there's always like this whole idea that it might broaden their horizons or something I took my son I did a tour of Australia last summer and I took him on the road and I was going to teach him work ethic or something like this I was going to give him some job to do on the road and I couldn't think of anything that didn't involve like a hard hat or his day he couldn't help set up any of the crew stuff and it's like it's like he can't do sound

check there's not a lot for a kid to do so i let him bartend in the dressing room right and i said you'll get an hourly rate you all you have to do is ask everyone what drinks they want this is how you open a beer and this is how you pour a jack and coke and i'm like is this good training for a 10 year old but then being an american you know, when it comes down to it, he put out a tip jar and who doesn't? So I was giving him an hour. Oh, wow. Who doesn't tip a 10-year-old when they get you a Jack and Coke?

You've got to throw a buck in there, right? Yeah, especially if it's free in the dressing room. Yeah. It's cost you nothing. Exactly. But that meant my opening acts were paying tips in their own dressing room for a very dodgy service. I used to have a job when I was 11 where I used to have to work

at these newsagents. And what I had to do, and this is the weird thing about my parents, my parents were more into us working than us doing well at school right working was what I my father worked in construction my mother was a school teacher but you know so so my job was at 11 I had to do the deliver the papers and I came back and I had to throw out all the trash for this news. So it was big boxes and I had like a mechanical lift that took it down to the basement. Like I used to just stand on with a button, like real dodgy for that. And then I throw it out.

The benefit of this job was at the end of each month, they threw away all the magazines. So I had bins filled with playboys and penthouses and hustlers like just filled. And at 11, hustlers, like just filled. And at 11, this is gold. I have a box of gold, right? Pre-internet pornography was – you just couldn't get it. Yeah, you couldn't get it, right?

So I would get $5 a shift from that, and it would be a two-hour shift, and they'd give me $5 Australian. So I'd get $ bucks for the week. But then with the porn empire, I was selling the porn magazine off for $5 a magazine at my school, right? But I would put them behind the dumpster hidden in this area that was a bit dry. And then I would fill up my bag and another bag, a plastic bag, and I'd dump the plastic bag in our front garden and wait till my parents were asleep to duck out of the house to go get that into the house, bring in the bag. So I had so much pornography in my room, piles and piles of it.

And it was all the same magazine. Why are they chucking it out? How does porn don't go out of date, surely? Well, this is... No one's going, oh, that's the April edition, not for me. It was all magazines. What they'd do is they'd cut the head's got old that's the april edition not for me it was all magazines what they do is they cut the head off the magazine that said the title and they'd send that back to the manufacturer and get a refund i think now there'd be some sale or return yeah

some type of recycling program going on but not in australia in the late 80s so i get caught with this this magazine this magazine and then my parents come down and some kid squealed, you know, he got caught with a magazine and I get that. And I remember this sort of the entrepreneurial glee that my father had for this, that he came up with it himself. He started a business. How old were you, Jim, when you was doing that i was 11 11 that is young isn't it 11 to 13 was this is the porn empire and then i went off

at 14 to work at mcdonald's which there was no porn to be had you didn't get to meet girls so that was something that mcdonald's offered that the other job didn't how much are you trying to influence your kids and stuff? Like you're saying your parents, they were very into you. They signed him onto a Playboy subscription. Are you one of those parents that's trying to mould your kid and steer them or stuff or just let them get on with what they want to do? You try to find out. I think everyone does this.

You try to find out where their talents lie or what their interests are and try to encourage that. You know, at the moment my son plays baseball and he's doing reasonably well. So I started to get him a little bit of coaching on that so he can enjoy that sport a little bit more, you know? So I can't teach him. I grew up playing cricket, like he's pitching for the team. And I'm like, he's like, what do I do now dad i'm like i don't know man i think you lift up your front leg a bit more or something um but then you know

still at this age it's very hard to to tell what they they're going to be or what they're going to you know so so look i'm i'm i'm into the arts i always did well at art at school, at any type of art, you know what I mean? So I push my kids a little bit more in that direction. And maybe I should be making them read. You know what I mean? And I wish I was better at that. I'd like to be one of those dads. And, granted, you, my wife and my ex do this a lot better than I do, but I was never one of those dads that sat up my wife and my ex uh do this a lot better than i do but i was never

one of those dads that sat up and read them a book at night you know i'd always go up and tell some type of book i'd tell them some bullshit story you know some embellished story and then uh and then i sort of say good night but i i wish i sort of was more hands-on with the reading aspect yeah reading is boring though That's what I struggle with. I'm so bored. I didn't enjoy it either. I hate it. I don't read a lot of books anyway.

I'm like, and so it's hard for me to go, you have to bloody read books. He never sees me with one in mind. So for a little while there, when I was trying to encourage him to read a lot more, because he pointed out maybe when he was six or seven that I didn't read, you know. So I had a book that I would leave on the coffee table and when I heard him coming downstairs, I'd open it up. And then when he'd come, I'd go, oh, yes, how can I help you, Hank?

And I'd put it down, just having a bit of a read and um how do you get on with the other parents because you know you're very likable charming person jim but you don't you do say what you're thinking at that time which sometimes at the school gates for the parents don't always work i i watch myself at the sports i maybe say a bit too much i yell out a bit too much but I'm always doing gags you know what I mean like um but I know I get along with the parents okay mind you there was a school teacher came up to my son the other day that worked at the school and came up and said I just watched your father's special and my son was like okay she goes it's not for children is it the things he said

he goes oh dad doesn't let me watch it right which i don't he doesn't watch my coming but imagine like okay you might not like what i do and i might be a smut monger and all that type of stuff. But you're like porn stars' children have to go to school as well, right? You would never walk up to a porn star's kid and go, saw one of your mum's videos. Not for children, is it? Leave it be. Have you got an age in mind when when he could come and watch you or would you want him to watch you live or watch you on netflix i think watch me come to a show live and i think sort of 15 maybe like like i know he would have he would have checked me out online before that if he hadn't already you know what I mean so I it's it's a difficult one I remember like my nieces and nephews started

coming to the shows around 15 16 and I felt a little awkward then as well like I definitely toned it down one gear you know but now it's funny it's like all my nieces and nephews are like in their 20s and they're all bringing their mates along to my shows and I'm just there doing anal sex jokes and they're all clapping along and it breaks my little heart, it does. One of the interesting things, obviously you were quite kind of, it's rock and roll the wrong word, but you like big nights out and going for it and stuff. So that's when your child is 15 or 16.

I suppose it's different in LA because it's more difficult to go out at a younger age. And in the UK, you can get into pubs at 15, 16. You can sneak into a place. But in America, they'll make a 50-year-old show their ID. So they will. So we check everyone. You know, we're not picking on you, you know.

And the biggest problem I foresee happening with the parenting is me going, hey, don't take drugs. And there's all this footage of me talking about taking drugs. Like I really don't have a leg to stand on. So I'm going to have to think of a way to approach that. When you talk about toning your act down when the kids are in or like your nieces and nephews, what about when Becca from Burgess Hill, the mother-in-law, when she's in, does that affect you or do you not care?

No, I talked about her and my father-in-law in the last special i did some pretty graphic uh jokes about having sex with their daughter and i even told your wife your your partner not the not her sister just to be clear a terrible way for it to come out wouldn't it but but it's like it's like at the end of the day you just gotta go oh well this is what i do you know i banned my mother from seeing me she couldn't come to any more shows because every time i'd see she was such a large person and she was an intimidating figure and it's like it was like a glow around her and i could just spot her wherever she was and i couldn't i'm sure you guys, do you have your parents come in?

Yeah, I hate the gigs where I know anyone but particularly family you just, that's all I think about throughout the gig, even if I can't see them I've got better at that, I used to not like it but that's because you've got so much family they come to every single gig in some way every gig is full of them. My dad has seen

me maybe 50 times, he's always there and there was one time and it was one of those shows, because I don't drink anymore for this express reason. I was doing Sydney and I had a late show and I let it get away from me and I was too drunk to perform for this late show. You know what I mean? And I was slurring my words and I got off stage and I knew I'd let myself down.

And if I'd paid for that, I'd be upset with me, you know what I mean? Like it wasn't a good show and I came off just so ashamed and my father was in the audience and I'm like, oh, man, my dad saw that, right? And then he comes backstage and he'd been drinking as well and he goes, that was the best one. comes backstage and he'd been drinking as well and he goes that was the best one he'd seen me eight times that week right and he was like he was like you changed things up a bit you went off script i don't mind them coming my parents but i don't like seeing them before

i'll see him after but i need to sort of calm down in the dressing room before i'll go out if there's just it's just people before and it stresses me out well well my my wife's family they all came when i was in brighton they all showed up we had cousins and aunties and all that type of stuff and i'm telling a story in the show about how my wife suggested that we get a prostitute for my birthday right now that's the that's an actual routine i'm like oh well what the basically the routine goes and this is how it happened was uh my wife suggested we get a prostitute and i just didn't play it cool i should have gone i don't know if if something want. It's not for me. I want to see you at the delay show. But I ran straight to the computer and had a web page up in seconds, right?

And then because it's hard because you're coming back to the UK. Is that a family reunion? But they use your gig as the reunion. And then you're talking about that. It does make it awkward. Oh, it does, yeah. And that is the weird thing that like sometimes your gigs like you said are a family reunion so it's the only time my nephews and nieces see their cousins because they all show up

and and i see my cousins all at once and my brothers are in the same room at the same time it is very good for that because otherwise we wouldn't all hang out. How old are your kids? We're not talking about my kids. How old are your kids? Mine's seven and five and yours, Josh? Mine's five and one. Yeah, okay. So you're all right in the thick of it.

We're in the clear at the moment. Rob took his to a gig. You're not the age now where you have to worry about them socially too much. No. Yeah, because eventually now it's going to start like the clicks in school and all the stuff and you know what's about to happen what they call the great divide and the great the great divide happens around nine years old where the boys and girls just stop playing with each other and they sit in separate areas in school and we never truly come back together ever.

Like we don't. Yeah, we sort of hang out with our mates. They hang out with their friends. You try to date one and then you think you might have one or two female friends, but for the most part we've got to click and stay with our sex, you know what I mean? And so the great divide's about to happen where where they hate the opposite sex but they also secretly like them too much oh did you observe that happening with your son yeah yeah i've seen that happen yeah i've seen that happen he had he had these female

friends girl little like female friends that he grew up with girlfriends that he grew up with and then they went off with the girls and he went off with the boys and that's just the great divide man oh man has he shown any interest in like has he had a girlfriend or a no he's still he's still not at that age though a girlfriend although one time i remember sitting there and we had transformers on and megan fox was walking along strutting in high heels with like explosions going on i saw him sort of sit up a bit, you know, and I went, I went, there, she's pretty, isn't she? She's pretty, isn't she? And he goes, yeah, yeah.

And I go, you like her, mate? You think she's all right? And he goes, yeah, I do. I like girls, but I wouldn't want one as fancy as that. That's what he said. I'm like, well done, son. That took me bloody decades to figure that out. We're not as fancy as that.

Those fancy ones, they look good. They're very expensive, mate. You're well off. Would you like him to become a comedian? Would you enjoy that? Or would you find that stressful? If it's something that he find that stressful? I would, if it's something that he wanted to do,

I would encourage it. I don't know if him being my son would help him or be a hindrance. You know what I mean? Cause often there has been a lot of comedians, siblings and children and stuff like that. I'm trying to think of one that's ever really taken off. I don't know if it's. Yeah.

It's not like. Richard prize kids all gave it a go, and, you know, I know George Carlin... Tom Holland is Spider-Man, but he's acting rather than stand-up. Yeah. Tom Holland was... Yeah, I remember me... I saw Dominic at Edinburgh once,

and I remember once seeing, like, Tom as a very little child, right, at Edinburgh, and I remember once seeing Tom as a very little child at Edinburgh. And I remember saying to my son, I said, I've met Spider-Man when he was about four, right? And my son still thinks I'm bullshitting. I wanted to ask you as well, Jim, about, well, one about what's it like with the little one now? Because obviously 10 years,

because you were still drinking 10 years ago when you had your first. Yeah, but I had more energy than 10 years ago. I had more energy. I could handle hangovers and stuff like that. I'm an old dad now. I'm 46 with a one-and-a-half-year-old, and I've had the snip. I'm not having any more.

Right, you're done. How quickly did you – because that's how quickly after the birth or was it just after conception? Oh, I had it done about four months ago. Like it was quite recent and, um, uh, no recovery time whatsoever. I had it done by this guy who does everybody like he's done thousands and thousands of them. And he gave me a certificate afterwards, like a, like a well done, you've done it certificate. And I'm like, like, that's a bit patronizing. I don't think like you've got to give it up to women.

They would never get their tubes tied. And then a doctor would be as presumptuous to go and here's a certificate. Congratulations. Right. So I, uh, yeah, so uh yeah so i i had the i had the snip so no more kids for me uh i just keep on counting forward to you do that thing when they're when he's 14 i'll be 60 and all that type of stuff yeah like it just gets away from you a bit. If anything, I wish I had my second child a little earlier, you know, but you meet your wife when you meet her, you know what I mean? So, but like I feel like you guys are younger.

You had your kids younger, right? Yeah, I was 29. But I think me and you are very different at 29, Jim. I don't think you should have had a kid at 29. Oh, I would have been a terrible father at 29. But that's a good age, man. And also, you know what else will happen with you? Your kid will be old,

and then you'll still have a bit of life left in you to do things. You'll go, oh, yeah. That's the plan. But the problem is... You're going to be a lot of babysitting, Rob, a lot of babysitting. No, I keep thinking because like when I get to 45 my kids like

potentially like starting to go to uni or whatever you know that kind of thing so like late 40s bloody hell and then I've got my whole like you know

life to go and do stuff and you think I'll have that energy but each year I can see my energy bar dropping one so it's sort of like in real time

you can see it dropping down but you've got to remember the energy you started with Rob by the age of 50 you'll just be at normal energy levels these are the things so it's like i was talking about i've never been to the maldives i was talking to the wife i want to stay in one of those chalets that are on the water or stuff which isn't a kid holiday right and then i'm like well like now i have to wait until my kids old enough that there's maybe 16 they can stay 15 they can stay at home

without me for a few days or whatever and so i'm like i'm like i'll be too old to bother with that that seems like a long fly trying to get in the hammock oh fucking dropping away like i'm never doing that that's all all right well the only holidays i want now uh beach. There's no more sightseeing left in me. Yeah, I think I'm done with that. I've travelled too much. I've seen enough airports. If you've built it, I've seen it. And if I haven't seen it by now, I didn't want to see it.

I haven't seen the pyramids, but I feel like that would be a hot, dusty day. I don't know. Yeah, you'd probably get bullied into be a hot, dusty day. I don't know. Yeah. You probably get bullied into buying a load of sort of blanket things or, you know, tourist things. There'll be some people trying to sell me trinkets, and I'm like, no. But this is the thing. So have you done the family holiday now where you go to Orlando or something like that?

I've done that. Josh hasn't yet to Disney Orlando, yeah. You have to do it. There's a window of sort of five years where it makes sense. After that, they get a bit old or whatever. And you're coming up to that window. It's around seven,

I think is this. Yeah. So we went last year when they were like six and four and yeah, and they absolutely loved it. And we're definitely going to go back. But I think four is a bit young, but from six, seven up till about 11 ish,

that is the peak time where they go absolutely mad for it wants to become teenagers they get a bit cool for it don't they we're trying to plan like summer vacation and i said oh you know let's go to hawaii it's only a five hour flight from here you know go to hawaii right i like hawaii because it's still america but it's not america you don't have to worry about where your passport is and the money it works out for you you know what i mean go to mexico as your other option or something like that right and so but hank's mother was like there's a nickelodeon water park world like with spongebob rides and stuff in in cancun that's a resort for children and all that stuff and i'm like yeah but we live in l.a i can take him to I'm like, yeah, but we live in LA.

I can take him to Disneyland's just up the road. Like, why do I have to go to this thing on vacation? We can go to theme parks whenever you want. You know, that's one of the privileges of living out here. You've got to worry about school shootings and all that type of stuff, but you are close to theme parks. Do you go on holiday as a big family with your ex and your... Yeah, we do one family vacation a year with everybody. Yeah, so who's on that?

So it'll be me, my two boys, my wife and my ex. And we all go out together and so my son will have a room with his mum and sometimes we'll book like a villa type thing where we all just live in a house or something like that. People must just be going, that's such an incredible thing to make work. Well, people look at you funny because we all walk along together.

It looks like I'm, you know, a Mormon or something. Was that straight off the bat or did you have to work up to that? Was it like, did they all get everyone get on straight away or was it a bit like let's try one night away see how it goes i made it pretty clear i i dated someone before who did not like that i was friends with my ex and then i made it pretty clear with my wife when we first started i just said um i said look

it works for me and my son that I get along with my ex and we do things every now and again. We'll have a dinner together or whatever. You know, that's – and I generally like her as well, you know. So I said that's just sort of the deal. And they're both just such nice people. It wasn't hard for the two of them to get along, you know. Yeah, I love that.

Something you've got to work at as well. You've got to choose to get along with you know like you know i'm choosing to get along with someone that i pay child support and all that type of stuff too because what's the alternative being angry all the time or being you know like screw that you might as well just fucking get on with it better for the kid and also we all all spend Christmas together wherever we are in the world. So, like, my ex came to Australia for Christmas, and she was there with my in-laws from Britain and my dad and all that type of stuff. Oh, wow.

That's incredible. I bet you do some money on airfares, don't you? It's a lot of air travel. It's not cheap. It's not cheap. It's not cheap having everyone get along. It would be easier. It would be much cheaper to be enemies. Jim, I wanted to mention a gig that I did tour support for you once,

years ago, when I was, and I felt so embarrassed about this. You'd just done a sold-out show in the west end recorded a dvd you're like absolutely flying and then it was just before you moved to la and i picked you up in a got a golf that was about 35 years old 10 years ago and i picked you up in brixton and then it broke down and you were in a picture of it it broke down with you in the car and then we had to get it fixed and i carried on i you in the car and then we had to get it fixed and i carried on i drove to hastings and then we did the gig at that white rock i complained the whole time you were i don't know if you were hung over or what but you you were

very quiet and quite reflective and very zen about it all i don't know what you i don't know what was going on in your head or what you've been up to, but it worked for me because the whole time I was like, this is terrible. I hope we don't flip out. But you were so lovely. And then on the way back, we saw like three accidents that happened. I probably remember this more than you. It was a massive moment in my career to do your support. And then I eventually got you over at like three, four in the morning.

And I remember you went and you paid me. I'd already been paid through your agent, but you also gave me a big wad of cash and said, that's for you, mate. And I remember because I really needed the money at the time. And that was really thoughtful of you because it had been a horrendous journey. And you could have quite rightly withheld my fee

because the car kept breaking down. I don't know if you remember it. I don't remember the car breaking down, but I do remember the gig. I remember if you remember it. I don't remember the car breaking down, but I do remember the gig. I remember thinking you were good. I think it was the only time I've ever seen you live. I've seen you on TV since, of course. I've always tried to be very zen about being late for gigs or something

because stressing out just doesn't help the situation. There's nothing to be done. There was one time I was in a car with Tom Stade and I was panicking about being late for the gig, right? And Tom was, you know, a more sort of established comedian than me. And I think I was driving him and I was like, oh, fuck, we're not going to make it to the gig. We're not going to make it to the gig.

And he just had a cigarette in his mouth and he went, we are the gig. Amazing. We are the gig. Amazing. Your tour dates, the list of places you're getting to go coming up. This is a fucking spring and summer. Milan, Berlin, Prague, Warsaw, Helsinki, Oslo, Bergen, Stravanga, Copenhagen, Stockholm, Vienna, Zurich, Budapest, Athens, Lisbon, Barcelona, Madrid, Tel Aviv, Dubai, Antwerp, etc., etc.

It's a great life, that, isn't it? Well, you say that. That sounds like Living Hill in a way. It would be wonderful if you were spending four days in each town. No, actually, they're each in a row. So you're not going, let's enjoy Oslo. You're going, I've got to be in Bergen in 12 hours. Yeah, it's get off a plane, get in there.

It's like I'm doing two shows in Helsinki and two shows in Warsaw in the space of 24 hours or something. That's like six hours of stand-up. So it's like apart from the meal that you have backstage and say i look i'm a bit fatter at the moment because i just come off the uk bit because i'm a sucker for i'm a sucker for uh if there's a particular type of local cuisine well i've got to have that i'm like so if i'm in philly i have to have a philly cheesesteak if i'm in buffalo i have to have buffalo wings i'm I have to have a Philly cheesesteak. If I'm in Buffalo, I have to have Buffalo wings.

I'm going to have to have pierogies backstage and bratwurst in Germany. I'm going to have, like, otherwise, what's the point of this trip? You know what I mean? So if, and also everyone's thing that they're famous for is never a salad. There's no, there's no town that's like oh we make a famous salad it's always something covered with cheese and a fucking dipped in something deep fried jim i don't want to panic you about your scheduling but according to this website you're on the 13th of may you're in barcelona no sorry 15th of may you're in madrid 16th of may you're in tel aviv yeah 17th of May you're in Tel Aviv 17th of May Dubai

18th of May back to Belgium yeah that would be right that's bloody hell what happened was Dubai and Israel had just been added to the tour and so it was lovely routing before that it all made sense I had a couple of days I was going to be in

I was going to have a wonderful time, you know what I mean? But maybe go catch a football match. And when's the tour all finished, Jim? When can you rest? Or are you back in December as well? After Europe, all I've got is a weekend in Vegas, and I'm going to enter the Poker World Series. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I'm going to give it a go. Now, this is the thing is I'm not expecting to do well because I do all right when I'm playing with my friends, but they're not great poker players, do you know what I mean? And you can't play online here anymore. They made it illegal in America, so I don't really have much place to practice, but I'm a handy poker player. Occasionally when I play it like a casino

or something if they have a tournament in the afternoon I'll play but it's always weird because you're being a tournament of like 60 people and like 30 of them are coming to the show and so the tournament like it's a lot of chatting to people I sort of try to stay quiet the whole time I play I'll tell you what so I'm getting sort of lessons with this guy who's helping me out who's uh who's who's a comic and a pro player and i said to him i said uh he goes he goes oh i used to play with this arzy guy this arzy guy used to play uh blonde hair shane and i went shane warne, right? And he goes, yeah, yeah, Shane Warne, because Shane Warne always used to do anything. He goes, wasn't a bad poker player. And I said, he was a pretty good cricketer.

And he went, did he play cricket as well? I'm like... Amazing. We always finish with the final. Final question, which is about parenting. Do you want to do it this time, Rob? Yeah, so basically this is one thing about your partner. You might have to double up on this with your ex as well.

One thing about your partner, they do parenting-wise, where you think, oh, my God, they're incredible. I'm so blessed to have them as a partner to have a child with. And also one thing that they do that drives you mad, that you haven't told them, that if they heard and they were listening to this, maybe Becca could feed back to her daughter, that they might go, actually, that's a fair point.

Oh, yeah, there's a lot of stakeheads. Normally you think the partner's not going to hear, but their mum's going to hear. Also, if there's anything you want to say about your mother-in-law, any thoughts you have about Becca, now's your chance to win some serious brownie points. Oh, I think she should have been a better parent. My wife's a bit wild.

She didn't discipline her enough. Okay, so one thing, what my wife does very well is she gets vegetables into, well, her stepson, she gets vegetables into the older boy very well, right, where I would give up a bit more. But she's determined sometimes a disproportionate amount of vegetables where where when he when she's not looking i get a spoon i eat some of his peas really quickly and i wink at him like i know mate it's a bit much like you know you do that one yeah and then i would say my ex doesn't uh she's a bit more of a pushover that's

the bit where she has a problem my wife what does she do that drives me mad well she's with it with the baby she can't seem oh god she put me listening she can't seem she can't seem to change a nappy, right, without this baby pushing her off. Like it's a fucking baby. Just hold his arms down. Like, oh, he keeps on moving his arms. He keeps on moving his arms. Well, overpower him. You know what I mean?

But you can't say that. You've just got to go, oh, it looks difficult. Like, his nappy change is a fucking war. And then I just sort of get in there and hold him down. And off I go. And then off you go, mate. You know what I mean? Yeah, I think you've got to pin them down.

It's the only way. Especially when they get a bit fighty. Because as they get older, they're not going to remember it. Yeah, you just cross the arms, pin them down with one hand. The other hand, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah. Off you go. Overpowering, that got me.

That might be my favourite answer we've had on that question. Thank you very much, Jim. Yeah, that was absolutely brilliant. It's been an absolute pleasure. Thanks for doing it. And big hello to Becca in Burgess Hill for connecting us in, for our new agent. Cheers, Becca.

Cheers, Jim. Thanks, mate. Thanks, lads. Jim Jeffries. I. Cheers, Becca. Cheers, Jim. Thanks, mate. Thanks, lads. Jim Jeffries. I love that, Josh. Really enjoyed that. Really enjoyed that. I find it very exciting when you Zoom someone who's in LA.

Yeah. It's slightly annoying for our record times that we're now getting people from America, but apart from that, it's very exciting. Yes, 7pm. Not ideal. Could we not interview at 9am on a Monday morning

please yes please could you get up at 2am Sunday night LA time when Michael sometimes sends over

like a big name part of me goes yes and then part of me goes oh that'll be on their schedule won't it thank you to Jim he's on tour

I'll see you on Tuesday all over Europe yeah I'll see you on Tuesday cheers mate and thank you Jim Jefferies mother-in-law