Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP37: Hand vs. Kettle

Episode Date: May 16, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parent in hell with florence can you say rob beckett can you say j Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Widdicombe? No. Ha! No. No, they can't actually. No. Is that Australia?

Yeah, rural NSW. New South Wales. Absolutely love the podcast. This is my two, nearly three-year-old florence she's a hybrid child with her father being a hundred percent australian farmer and me being a mother being a hundred percent british we live in the outback oh in new south wales get this on a 13 000 acre farm that's probably worth about three grand in Australian money. It takes me... There's so much

space. It takes me three hour road trip to do the groceries. I don't like their life. That is horrible. That's mental. I miss the days in England when I could get Dave in the lemon van to drop off my weekly shop.

Is this woman a Victorian? Stay sexy and relatable, Georgina Simpson. Royal New South Wales. P.S. Please bring Parenting Hell Tour down under. I'll happily do the 10-hour round trip to Sydney. 10-hour round trip to Sydney to see you guys. How have you met him? He lives on a 13,000-acre farm in the middle of nowhere.

Met who? She's 100% British and he's 100% Australian farmer. Has she been kidnapped? Is this a cry for help? Read the message again. Look for clues. By the way, it's written in newspaper headlines, all chopped up. And blood.

And blood, yeah. And there's an ear as well which i'm nice to get a little gift so thank you for that um thanks for listening do you reckon she if they've got 13 13 000 acres she's got do you reckon she just lives on the edge of it the closest edge to where all the towns are yeah why would you live in the middle i suppose you oh god it's just it's a long drive, isn't it? Oh, God. And it must be boiling, Rob. It wouldn't be my scene, but good luck to you.

I definitely think you can... Your house can be too big. I saw a clip with 50 Cent where he was talking about he bought Mike Tyson's 50,000 square foot mega mansion or something when he got really rich and famous. Yeah. And he ended up leaving it

and moving to somewhere really small. Not really small relatively small compared yeah and uh i think he's been interviewed and they said why did you leave the house that's like the dream house he went have you ever looked down the corridor in your own home and thought i can't bother to go down there yeah well there's nothing happening down there that's going to make me want to walk. Imagine looking down, field upon field, of acres. It's not a field. It's just sort of rock. Just, yeah, kind of. Dusty rock.

But I'm a big fan of Australia. I'm not pouting it. Anyway, Josh, how are you? I've not spoken to you for ages because we've finished the tour. Back to life with a bump, Rob. It does feel... Yeah, it feels a bit like, you know, like when you're at uni and you're, like, living the life

then you go back to your mum and dad's house. Yeah, exactly. And it's all normal again. Yeah, if you have to clean shit off your mum and dad's arse at 7am, which I probably will. Give it a few years, mate, we'll be there. Give it a few years. Oh, God.

Oh, life. Just when you stop wiping your kid's arse, you have to start wiping your parents. Oh, life. So. Just when you stop wiping your kid's arse, you have to start wiping your parents. And they go, I did it for you when you were younger. Yes, but I wasn't eating, you know, lamb hot pot, was I? When I was four months old, I was on milk. Makes it a lot easier.

Just start feeding your parents milk. It's been a tough week, Rob. You'll be pleased to know. Do you want the good news? Has it? You said this is your chilled out week. Yeah. You've got words. It's been a tough week, Rob. You'll be pleased to know. Do you want the good news? Has it? You said this is your chilled out week. Yeah. You've not worked.

It hasn't been chilled out. It hasn't worked out. The first of my six chilled out weeks, I've blown it. Right, okay. Because you've got six chilled out weeks because your autumn's insane. I don't know what your summer's like.

My summer's all right. My kettle's stopped working, Rob. Okay, right. Yep. So I have to hold down the button to make it boil. No, you don't. You go and buy a new kettle. I've got to buy a new kettle.

So you still haven't done it. You've just been holding it down. Well, I only remember when I get to the kettle, and then I have to... All right, not this again. But because I have to hold down the button, I basically, I get the steam on my hand. And I have to basically psych out the kettle and stay as long as I can with the steam to get a hot cup of tea.

Hand versus kettle. So is the button at the top of the kettle then, rather than the base? No, it's at the bottom, but the steam's coming all over the fucking place. Okay. So when did this happen? Some of the steam comes out the kettle hole. The button hole. The button hole? The the buttonhole this has happened all week i wasn't going to talk about it but then i just made a cup of tea just before we started this and i was like this is doing my head in

okay um why don't you order a kettle you could order a kettle now can you wow we've got a podcast to do rob have i've got quite i've got because rose has been away a couple of days this week hasn't she yeah yeah right so i get the sense are you allowed to order a kettle without sort of an okay thumbs up from rose absolutely well i wouldn't say we discussed it but i'd say no no okay but so if you just gone okay roses away busy with the kids you're on Amazon whatever

or curries or whatever quickly a couple of taps you've got a kettle coming tomorrow yeah right

which is great for you you're having cups of tea no steamy steamy no holding it because you've got both kids on your own you can't hold a kettle because it takes a long time

to boil a kettle doesn't it when you've got the kids and the tea so because it needs to aesthetically, because you've got a beautiful kitchen.

Well, the problem is, Rob, it is a present. I bought Rose this kettle. I imagine your kitchen. I think it might be under warranty. I think your kitchen

might be a Morphe Richards free zone. It's, yeah, it's, it's. You can't go, Rob,

to Argos and get a kettle for your kitchen. Ask me what, what colour the kettle is. What? What colour is the kettle? Do you want me to just Ask me what colour the kettle is. What colour is the kettle? Do you want me to just tell you what colour the kettle is? I assume it's pink. It's gold.

Gold. You've got a gold kettle. Yeah. Is it an expensive one? Yeah. It was a present. With Selfridges vouchers. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. So. It's a fancy kettle. It's a fancy kettle. I reckon it's still under warranty but i can't be bothered to find the thing and i've got to find well the future apparently is hot taps yeah they're very expensive let's talk about hot taps let's talk about hot taps that's what i've heard you can hot taps for a hot tap okay i'm absolutely gagging be a hot tab to the future. I'm desperate for a hot tab. Okay, right. I'm absolutely gagging for a hot tab. Because that way it removes, you don't have to have it.

Because kettles can be a bit ugly on the side. It's so cold. You feel like you're in an office. You're moving house. Are you thinking about hot tabs? I'll be honest with you. I think we've got a hot tab. So Lou's been quite stressed about the house move

because she's made every single decision. So you don't know if you've got a hot tap? No. I'll get there and there'll be tiles on the floor. You can remember you've either got a hot tap or a hot tub. You can't remember which she's gone with. I haven't got a hot tub at the new house. I think we have got a hot tap.

No, but there was talk, right, because I'm confused, Josh. There was talk of there are also taps that do fizzy water. Yes,

talk to me about fizzy tap. Oh my word. This is my dream. we've got a tap that does fizzy and still, but I think we might also, I mean, all taps do still.

That is just a tap. Yeah, that's just a tap. If your tap's not doing still, you've just got pipes. If you've got fizzy water coming out of your tap, don't drink it. That would be my tip. So I don't know really, because I've been going, there'll be like tiles on the wall, and I go, oh, they're nice.

Do you like them? Yeah. And I'm like, well, that's quite good, actually, because that's the first time I've seen that tile, and it's now glued to the wall forever. But Lou's got a much better taste than me. And I wasn't giving you jip, Josh, because if our kettle broke and I ordered a kettle without running past Lou,

there would be problems. Rob, I know where I stand. I'm not getting angry. You aren't telling me anything I don't already know. Don't worry. So you've got an electric kettle that you have to hold the button down? Yeah. Right.

But yeah, you can get hot taps that are always hot. Yeah, well, I'm... But I think they're expensive. Yeah, well, there's a long-term plan to do... £400. Well, I think they pay for themselves. They pay for themselves over time. I've just found one, and it was...

Well, hang on on it's in sale it was 800 how much is those little fucking taps yeah but it's a boiling water it's a thing that boils water I don't know true I don't know

you can get a kettle I mean kettle you can get one for 20 quid can't you yeah yeah anyway so that's the least of my problems do you want the one positive it's not mine

I'm just finding out what she's got sorry it's alright Rob it's alright I doubt she got the one positive? It's not mine. I'm just finding out what she's got. Sorry. It's all right, Rob. It's all right. I doubt she got the one that was on sale. What are you talking about? Sorry.

And you've got to install it. Sorry. Now I'm just getting distracted. Rob, it'll have come with the people that did your kitchen. They'll have gone, do you want a hot tap?

It'll be all in the whole price, won't it? It'll be all in the whole price. Don't worry. Right, okay. Okay. What they'll have done is they'll have seen that price

and they'll have added another 20% on for themselves. So it'll be even more expensive than what you're looking for. Yeah, Okay. What they'll have done is they'll have seen that price and they'll have added another 20% on for themselves. So it'll be even more expensive than what you're looking for. Yeah, of course. They'll stop getting bogged down by that. And then you've got to deal

with VAT after that because you deal with VAT. I don't understand words when they talk about houses. I reckon, I'm going to say it, if you're a builder, don't give me the price

before VAT. It means fuck all to me. I don't want to know because you are charging me that you are charging me that i am do you know what i like saying whenever because i don't mean when they talk about fencing i always go stick a trellis on that would that be all right i don't know why i always say trellis like as if to go a bit of extra height trellis on that bit of privacy stick of some sort of reeds like vines for it or something. Some grower, what are they called? A grower?

A climber? I mean, all plants are climbers. Climber. Stick a climber through the fucking trellis, mate. Double fence. Get a sticker climber on it, mate. Double fence. No one can see you.

Anyway, sorry, you kept on saying... Do you want the highlight of my week? Yeah, go on. So I did... You might know that I was hosting the school auction. Yes. And is it auction or auction? Because I hear posh people say auction.

It was an auction the night I did it. It was an auction, okay. Is it an auction? You've done more school events than me. Your daughters have not even been there a full year yet. No, I know. I love it, Rob. I love it, mate.

Do you actually love it? Do I actually love it? That's the big question. On my week off, I would not want to host an auction at a school. Rob, Rob. I love it, mate. Do you actually love it? Do I actually love it? That's the big question. On my week off, I would not want to host an auction at a school. Rob, it wasn't on my week off. It was the night before our final gig in Birmingham. Right, okay.

By the way, thanks to everyone that came. It was amazing. Oh, it was so good, yeah. Yes, thank you. It was a genuine lead. And apologies for Josh Moonlighting the night before. Yeah. At the auction.

Well, do you want to see one of the items as it was listed on the auction? I couldn't believe my eyes. So is it stuff that's been donated by, like, the school? Yeah, so people at the school have got businesses or whatever. Do you know what I mean? This is how it was listed. Here we go. Bag yourself the con...

Oh, this is awful. They used that picture. I had nothing to do with it, Rob. Right. Bag yourself a contents bag, the ultimate family oversized tote for life made by London Social Enterprise. What the fuck does that mean?

Donation, contents bag and pouch. Rob Beckett with his bag. This is a photo of what Lou took of me on holiday that I didn't know she was putting on the internet. And it's me looking like an absolute lunatic with a bucket hat on, a t-shirt that don't fit properly, and Lou wrote,

thou who mocketh my big bag of shit shall be destined to carry the big bag of shit. So it's me carrying a stupid leopard print bag with loads of shit in it, and they've used it at an auction. And it really helped. It really helped, Rob. It shifted the dial.

People were delighted. Underneath it, it says hospitality box of late in Oregon. It looks like i'm gonna be there as well so they use it so lou they used you as a model for the or i couldn't believe my eyes i know wow that's so look that lou is an influencer now officially i asked the woman i don't know whether uh who had provided the contents bag i I said, so why has Rob Beckett got one of these bags? She said, well, Lou Beckett bought one.

And she said this to the whole room. And what was exciting was like the whole room reacted like Lou Beckett was like a celebrity. It was great. Really? Yeah, it was like, well, Lou Beckett bought one. And I was like, oh, Lou Beckett's got one. Oh, Lou Beckett's got one of these bags. Oh, wait a minute.

Josh, I'm worried that Lou and Rose are going to end up just, actually, I'd be quite like if they just took over and did this. Yeah, fine with me. I could just, you know, do all the other really difficult things that Lou does all day. Oh, God, what have I said? Choosing tiles. Choosing tiles.

Choosing tiles and stuff. Choosing hot tap. But, yeah, so Lou just, i was moaning about how much you can get so much in that bag and i was moaning about having to carry so much stuff and then i end up carrying it and then she put it on the internet and now it's at an auction but i think yeah it was she bought it or something you can say auction you keep actually i say auction auction auction auction um it was that's exciting though yeah that was positive yesterday was a disaster rob absolute disaster so you might know uh we booked uh well not a complete disaster i i didn't fail but you know we booked um emergency passport uh form day thing and i couldn't get it so you

needed a passport and you couldn't get an appointment in london yeah because you're waiting for your holiday? Next month. Half term, half term. Yeah. Only a few weeks away. Only a few weeks away. Pressure's on. It was all or nothing on yesterday. Yeah.

Couldn't get London. But I was like, I've got the week off. I'll just drive to Peterborough and back. I'll enjoy that. It's relaxing. Bit of time on my own. I've known people that have had to go to Belfast. Yeah, exactly.

Because that's the other one. You can always get had to go to Belfast yeah exactly because that's the other one that you can always get an appointment at the Belfast one yeah so sometimes people have flown to Belfast to do their basketball and flown back

it's fine it's fine I was like I'll just get in the car I had to work in the morning I had to do some podcasting how is the car alright? the car

still isn't clean Rob because my life is out of control you had a week off mate? no I haven't bank holiday Monday don't right don't get me started on the amount of fucking bank holidays in may no i'm just saying you've had six days off surely within those six days you could drive your car to be cleaned by someone else the weekend saturday sunday monday social social social children's social Throughout Right, okay Yeah

And you've been away So you're just You're dedicating time to the kids Okay, I get it Yeah, yeah Tuesday Tuesday Yeah, Tuesday

Oh, I've been ill as well, Rob Oh, of course you have Fucking ill But Tuesday What did I do on Tuesday morning? I don't know, Rob My life's full My life's full

Alright, okay Oh, no, that's what on Tuesday. Childcare. Childcare. Childcare. Looking after my son on Tuesday morning. Oh, was he not in school, in nursery? No.

And let me tell you something, Rob. Yeah. Do not, if you're choosing your days of the week for a child at nursery, this is a tip to every parent of a new child, do not choose Monday. It absolutely Fs you throughout the year. Yes.

We lose so many fucking Mondays to bank holidays. It's an absolute swizz. So what days does he go? Mondays. Mondays and Wednesdays. So we lose, we're losing three Mondays this month. Oh,

so I thought he was in five days a week. He's not. No, no, no. We've got a childcare a couple of days as well. A couple of days. Right. Okay I thought he was in five days a week. He's not. No, no, no. We've got childcare a couple of days as well. A couple of days.

Right, okay, right. I get you. Yeah. So do not choose Mondays. Three fucking Mondays this month are bank holidays.

Why? The coronation could have been any time. Why slot it in a month? It didn't need to be May the 7th or whatever it is He needs to have nice weather

So he can go out in his little gold carriage Down the street Just do it in the middle of a fucking school holiday When they're off anyway That's what everyone wants Do it in the middle of summer holidays People who don't have kids Can enjoy the bank holiday

People who do have kids Are going to be looking after their kids anyway Don't give us another bank holiday I agree I'm 100% in on this yeah and also if they did it in august yeah it'd be much better weather exactly it's not like we're going oh god june and july without a coronated king i couldn't give a flying f no one likes him as much as the queen no one cares about no one likes him as much as the Queen, do they? No one cares about... No one likes him as much as the Queen. That's the problem, isn't it? The Queen...

It's so difficult following the Queen, isn't it? Exactly. She seemed nice. She did her duty. Everyone loved the Queen. He doesn't even like using a fucking fountain pen. And we're taking a Monday off. Another Monday off.

Sorry, go on. Another one. So you're in Peterborough at. Another Monday off. Sorry. Another one. So you're in Peterborough at the passport office. Not yet. I'm getting in the car to go to Peterborough. Okay, all right. Obviously, in the week week I've asked Rose to go and get me

two passport forms one for me one for my daughter right I shouldn't have specified two that was a mistake she comes back with two

meaning it is absolute perilous if I make one mistake I'm going back to the post office oh right okay so she oh she grabbed it

from the post you still have to fill out a form from the post office yeah and not only specific post offices have got them. Obviously, I'll fuck it up.

I have to go and get another passport form from the post office. Also, I have to take my daughter to Snappy Snaps. Shout out to the guys and gals at Snappy Snaps for a great photo shoot. Enjoyed that. You should have got some headshots done for your next tour. Well, do you know what? It wasn't half bad. And then, so I get in the car to Peterborough.

I think I've got bags of time. It says hour and a half. It's just you, yeah? No kids? Yeah. I've searched it when there wasn't much traffic. Right. So I get in the car.

My appointment's at 3.30. It says 3.15 arrival. It's tight, isn't it? That's too tight. That's too tight, mate. You don't know where you're parking. Exactly. Parking, mate.

Oh, no. Okay. That's stressful. Okay. That's stressful. So I get in. I'm driving. And I think maybe I could make up a few minutes.

No. It's ticking up, if anything. To get the time down, you need to drive 100 miles an hour for that. Yeah, it's ticking up, if anything. To get the time down, you need to drive 100 miles an hour for that. It's impossible. I thought, you know,

sometimes traffic clears or something. No. Yeah, okay. It's ticking up. It gets to 319. By this point, it's 319.

I'm shitting myself. And then, I take the wrong exit off a motorway. Oh, gosh. Oh, God. You flat? Are you sweating?

Yeah, because it hits 3.24. And your appointment's at 3.30. So imagine parking's going to be difficult, big building. You don't know where you're going. Exactly. I don't know if it's in the centre of Peterborough. I don't know if it's on the out... Oh, imagine if it's in the centre.

Just like shitting myself driving along trying to keep calm thing there's nothing i can do yeah yeah it's it's now switching between 3 24 and 3 25 and i'm thinking you are late quite a lot josh i've noticed yeah i know you cut it fun you're either exactly on time or late yeah so i'm panicking and then I get about two miles away. I get to about... And then I'm thinking, what point if I see... Because if I see parking, at what point do I take it?

Do you know what I mean? Yes. And then walk the rest. Yeah. So I get about a kilometre away. I've got nine minutes. And I think, I could probably run a kilometre in nine minutes.

And I could see parking there. And I think I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to... I'll regret that. So I keep driving. I don't know why this is so engrossing. Yeah. I drive.

I'm about 300 yards now from the thing and i see a park a car park is it in the center is it like industrial estate what we're dealing with you still can't tell but i'm on quite a busy road it's not in the dead center but it's certainly not on the in the suburbs um 300 yards now and i see a car park that says staff parking only. I think, at this stage, am I willing to just take the fine? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, because that's the thing. You get all worked up, but actually,

if it means you get your passport and you get to go on holiday, you can just add it into the idiot tax. Exactly. The passport costs me an extra £60. Yeah, exactly. But again, I go, fuck it. I'm going to go all in. You're an animal these days, Josh. But again, I go, fuck it. I'm going to go all in. You're an animal these days, Josh.

I know. So around the corner at 324, and there's a multi-story across the road. And I think this is, fuck it, what a win. What an absolute win. So I'm panicking by now, but I'm thinking I can do this. Get into the multi-story. Multi-story panics me me I feel like that's more

that's an extra layer of stress it is definitely an extra layer of worry you go in had to find a parking space had to leave do that

get thing to lean out to get the ticket by the time I get out of the car it's 3.28 okay yeah have you paid for parking yet

no because you pay I just pay when I get back in. Great stuff. That's a win. That's a win. You've saved yourself two minutes there. Exactly.

I grab all my stuff, and I've got to run. So I run to what I presume is the passport building, because it's a huge, officious block with a Union Jack outside. Go in. It's not the passport building. Britain's first headquarters. Yeah, exactly. And you'll recognise Britain's first headquarters. Yeah, exactly. And you'll recognise them

from the meetings. Hey, guys. Is there no one next door? Cool. Run round to the passport place. Yeah. Get in. Puffing and panting.

And the guy kind of smirks at me and says, it's fine. You could have been 15 to 20 minutes later and we wouldn't have minded. Oh, he's a chilled out guy. Yeah, chilled out. So I put all my stuff in the scanner. He sees my inhaler and he has a bit of a laugh at the fact that he said,

you shouldn't be running with that. And I think, come on, mate. How do you feel about anti-asthma abuse? Well, I don't know. At this stage, because he's told me I've got 15 minutes grace, he's in my good books, do you know what I mean? Yeah, but how do you feel about that in general? It's a bit disrespectful, isn't it?

Like, oh, you should be running, should you, little limp-lump? And all stuff like that. Yeah, but do you know what? I've made enough comedy out of it myself that it'd be unfair to have a go at other people. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah. Scan my stuff through.

There's a guy coming out the other way, and he's asking for something back that he wasn't allowed in his... in to take through the scanner that they've confiscated off him. And he's brought his own fork to eat his lunch that they've confiscated off him. And he's brought his own fork to eat his lunch that they've confiscated off him. You'd leave it, wouldn't you?

Yeah, you've got to write off that fork. You can't ask for your fork back at that situation. It wasn't a particularly nice fork, just a metal fork. Imagine. What are you going to do with that in the passport office? Yeah, exactly. If you can't have a fork in the passport office, you shouldn't have a fork in the post office.

They don't print the passports. You can't get a passport. You can't hold... Hold it, hold the ransom. Give me a fucking passport. Got a fork. So I go in and I, you know, it's a bit like Argos or something, isn't it?

You just sit there and wait for them to like announce your name. Or a jab, like getting the jab. Yeah, like getting the jab. So I go in and I just slump down in a completely empty waiting room. There's one other old woman and me. The way you said that was like you were an old woman as well. Yeah, it did sound like I was an old woman. There's one other old woman, just us two there,

having a chat about the chase. Yeah. There's one other completely ripped six foot three guy there, just me and him nodding at each other. So I slumped down. You were a good slumper as well. After that, you really deserve a slump. I can imagine you just like, oh.

I think, you know, thank God. They'll probably call me up instantly because there's no one else here. But, you know, I'll just sit down for now. Ten minutes pass and I think they haven't called me up yet. But this is quite a nice rest, if anything. Really, the longer this lasts, the better. Because I'm getting back in the car to drive home after this. This is the good bit.

Yeah. Thing is, you could drag this out until bed and bath time. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what I'm saying. Get home by eight o'clock like a returning legend. Got the passports, don't worry about it. Been until bed and bath time. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what was sick. Get home by 8 o'clock like a returning legend. Got the passports, don't worry about it. Been to Peterborough, actually. Yeah, exactly.

Bit of a job. Ten minutes past and I hear a guy shouting. I look across, he goes, you've got to check in. So you made it into the passport office on time, but you were late because you forgot to tell him you were there. Yeah, correct. Correct. Go up, check in, go sit back down.

Instantly, my number's cold. Like, literally, when I sit down. Go up to the desk. I reckon the whole thing lasts three to four minutes max. Done. Bang. And that's it? That's it.

Possible. Done. Leave. Ask the guy if there's a cafe. Because I'll be honest honest I've been holding on needing the toilet the whole way haven't been able to stop

I'm worried I couldn't go to the toilet before the passport thing because obviously they'd shout my name at that point so the whole go to the cafe

order a tea and I'm like can I use your toilet I think we should just leave the tea on the side I don't it isn't a piss I need Rob

you can't have a shit on a cup of tea no so I think I can't take isn't a piss I need Rob oh you can't have a shit on a cup of tea no so I think I can't take my tea to the toilet for like of course but

so I go to the toilet I'm like taste of shit afterwards because of the smell yeah exactly exactly so I just leave it I think she'll just

make the tea and leave it there and then I'll just pick it up on the way out yeah can't you have a shit then order the tea well I don't

I didn't want to just walk into the cafe go straight to the toilet and yeah can't you have a shit then order the two well i don't i didn't want to just walk into the cafe go straight to the toilet and have a shit i have a shit what order would you have done things it depended how much i needed the toilet i'd go and go excuse me where are your toilets and then if they go you have to be a customer I'd go oh I'm going to get something after I just need to go now yeah but I understand

that you almost want to be a customer before you ask yeah so then I order the tea I go to the toilet I think she'll just leave the tea I take she'll come into the cubicle

does she with it no I take quite a while if I'm honest you know everything alright down there no no not not notable but certainly

longer than if I'd gone for a piss. Oh, yeah, absolutely. No one's shitting quicker. If you're shitting quicker than you're pissing, you've got a problem. Exactly. It's obvious. I don't know why I'm ashamed of it.

It's like, you know, what goss has she got on me? Why are you ashamed? Josh, Josh, really, come on. You don't want anyone to know you've had a shit. He has a shit. Anyway, come back out. She hasn't even put the milk in yet she's just stood there waiting for me

with the tea bag she's been there for like 5 minutes waiting for me to come out of my brief so you thought she'd make it and leave it on her side and forget about it and think oh he's not got it yet but she's waiting to ask about milk and you're having a poo yeah so it's obvious

how long you've been for as well it's unspoken that I've been a good five minutes. That doesn't seem long, but if you're holding milk for that long, waiting for a man. Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. So I get my tea. She says,

did you come to get your passport? Yeah. No, I just love the tea here, actually. It's really nice so that then i go back that's it get stuck in the car on the way home get back about half six the whole round trip five five and a half hours yeah quicker to get to greece it was an adventure but i got my daughter her passport i got myself a passport you don't have to take your kid then. You can just do it without them.

So you could... No, yeah, your kid doesn't have to come to the bit where you get the... This is how organised I am, Rob. I know exactly how that fast track passport works. Because in my life, I don't think I've ever not gone fast track. I am always having to do fast track passport. Because you've left it too late i've never in my life sent off my passport to that one which takes eight weeks i've never had the time to do

that um how else has your week been all good so those things happened oh yeah this was bad this was probably the lowest moment of me as a parent my son started playing with the keys so he's two he's almost two he started playing with the keys. So he's two. He's almost two. He started playing with the keys. So we lost the car key because he like takes it off the... We've got like a ledge

in the hallway which we've had to stop putting the car key on because he can now reach the car key. Here we go. The end of the knickknacks. So then I'm taking him

and my daughter to nursery and school. Yeah. Go to get them in the car. He's fucking desperate to hold the car key. I'm like fine. This will shut him up. He can hold the car key till we get in the car he's fucking desperate to hold the car key i'm like fine this will shut him up he can hold the car key till we get to the car yeah yeah my daughter gets in gets in her seat and he gets in he's still holding the car key i'm like it's fine put him in shut the

door walk around to go and get my daughter yeah yeah what do you think happens in that time so he's holding the car keys he's locked he's got the car on he he's locked himself and my daughter in the car with me on the outside just hearing is your blood runs fucking cold, I'm telling you that for free, mate. Oh, God. It's quite warm as well last week as well. Sun's out. I didn't crack the window, mate. So can you tell your daughter to get the keys? I have to shout through the window to my daughter calmly. That's lucky.

So lucky she's in there. If it was just him, I don't know what I'd have done. Yeah, because he's just too young to communicate that to, isn't he? There's no way he can communicate press the button. And imagine if he drops the keys and he's, like, strapped in. Yeah, he's strapped in. You've got a spare indoors, have you? Yeah, but what would I have done?

Run indoors with my kids locked in the car? Oh, yeah, you park about 100 metres down the road, don't you? Yeah. Because you haven't got a parking space Yeah You need to move to the suburbs, mate Get yourself a nice little drive Yeah, I might move to Peterborough

You can lock your kids in cars all day long Yeah I genuinely, luckily I had to get my daughter Imagine if my daughter had been strapped in Thank God she wasn't strapped in at this point Because then she wouldn't have been able to reach my son Oh, she could unclip herself, can't she?

Oh, yeah, she can, actually. That's a good point. I'm just trying to bring the drama up here, Rob. Sorry, I can't imagine, yeah. Everyone's sitting there going, this girl's five. Could she not? Just press the little red button?

Yeah. So did she grab the keys off him? She disarmed the car. She disarmed the car. I think, though, my daughter, my youngest, might undo it and then lock it again immediately and laugh. That's the danger. That's the danger.

I think they both would have done that, actually. That is the danger of that. But they'd eventually let you in. Yeah. So you got in? Got in. All done. So that's the danger. I think they both would have done that, actually. That is the danger of that. But they'd eventually let you in. Yeah. So you got in? Got in. All done. So that's my week.

It's been an absolute rollercoaster. Absolute rollercoaster. You seem a bit more chilled, though. Less stressed. You've slept. Yeah. I've had a lot of time on my own. It's been great.

Peter brought him back. Listened to a podcast about Tom Hanks for three hours. It was great. It's quite a good podcast. I'd recommend it if you've listened to every one of these twice so you're ready for something else yeah obviously do that first i'll just say i will recommend it's called dead eyes what let me listen to it it's about an actor who 20 years ago he got a small part in band of brothers just when he was out of drama school and he got the part and then the day before his agent rang him up and said

you might not get the part because tom hanks has seen tom hanks is directing your episode and he's just seen your tape and he thinks you've got dead eyes that's awful awful agent shouldn't have passed it on and he had to go and re-audition awful the agent shouldn't have passed it on and he had to go and re-audition oh but what do you how do you retrain your eyes to look less dead exactly in front of tom hanks he had to re-audition and then the day before he was going to do it and then he then then the he went and sat in the other room and the casting agent came in and said we've decided to go in another direction and it's like he's carried it's's like a thing, him looking back on this and talking to people,

what actually happened and stuff. There's 36 episodes. I'm not sure I'm going to listen to them all, but episode four... I'll get over it, mate. No, they'll go for another audition. Well, no, it's funny. He's not being serious about it,

but episode 36 is him interviewing Tom Hanks. So I'm tempted to just skip to that one that's quite funny isn't it yeah um oh so i that's what i was gonna ask i don't know if if your kids go through growth spurts they just eat everything like my daughters will eat nothing for a couple of weeks and all of a sudden it's like i'm hungry hungry it's like they're like obsessed so my daughter's got obsessed with toast look how much toast she had for breakfast because she doesn't eat the crusts. I've just sent this on the WhatsApp. Blimey, Nora, Rob. Blimey, Nora.

Blimey, Nora. I reckon she had 10 slices of toast. That looks like she's got a plate of chips. She had 10. Look, she's five and she had 10 slices of toast. That is amazing. And basically, I gave her like four slices. Just butter, a little bit of jam on the first ones, but i've eased off the jam i thought you can't have 10 slices

but after the first i've after like four slices of toast i was like blimey she's hungry she's done with the crust i was like fair enough then it got to six slices and then i was like i think i'm gonna have to stop this is a bit too much when do you stop when does this when does this become bad parenting what what if it was like a Stuart Lee joke

that got funny again as it went on you know he makes it unfunny and it goes funny again no I don't know what you mean by that I think he's on the

unfunny stage at the moment he's been trapped there for six years oh dear Rob you've put yourself in the firing line oh I don't mind he takes the mickey out of comics all the time.

He can't. I can take the mickey out of him, didn't he? He's had a go at you and Russell Howard. And actual comics as well. Hey! So... It's all a bit of fun. Russell's great.

You're great. Stuart Lee's great. But anyway, so we've got to six slices. I think that's all right bit of fun Russell's great you're great Stuart Lee's great but anyway so we've got to six slices I think that's alright isn't it no I meant the bit at the end where he said Russell's great

you're great keep the other bit in I like the idea of creating like that that's great beef no the yeah no so six slices

I was like I think I might need to stop her here this is too much and then I thought fuck it let's see I think I might need to stop her here this is too much and then I thought and then I went fuck it let's see how many

I can get to eat but let's just let's just keep going and then we got to ten and she tapped out so I was like fair enough that's a fair go

I turned it into an eating challenge by the way wow but she's calmed down a bit but she's just got obsessed with toast that's so good that's really that's really fun do you think she's going to try with toast. That's so good. That's really fun.

Do you think she's going to try and break her record? Like, what point did you feel like she was eating for the record rather than eating for the... Do you know what I mean? Like, going, this is incredible. I don't think she was aware of the record. She was just enjoying toast, mate. She was just in a headspace.

I love this toast. But do you know what, Rob? Yeah. If I could eat 10 slices of white toast, I fucking would. If I didn't think that was delicious it's like if you said to me if you eat 10 slices of white toast the worst that could happen is you get taller i'd go count me in do you know what i mean curly hair curly hair and taller is it curly hair see but yeah no crust is yeah she's not getting curly hair that has

straight as a bloody die mate well it is like a wasteful not to eat the crust isn't it but the middle is nicer were you tempted to chow down on some of the crusts i think i'd have had a nibble no well i think no she left like i'd say a quarter of the temp slice i ate that but the rest i'm not just eating crust no if i'm gonna have carbs and i've good i'm gonna make the most of it i'm not gonna cross like a like a yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't have done it either definitely not yeah um also josh i'm loving the train now the train's my new favorite form oh here he is francis bourgeois for their working classes you've you've you've totally changed my mind and convinced me otherwise i think the summer change i think because it's nice weather as well makes a difference have you done it in the last week?

Yes. Well, after Birmingham, I got the train home and I went straight to a kid's birthday party. Oh, yeah. A very lovely birthday party down in like Sevenoaks Way. Lovely. It was Lou's friends growing up as kids. And their kids are lovely. Some lovely kids there.

But there was one very naughty child there, Josh. Oh, no parent i think knows that the child's naughty and just had their back to the child so they couldn't see the behavior because in that way they can do the old ignorance is bliss car yeah which i've seen be played a few times at a party and um he was he was just rude he was spitting in my kids faces he was pushing in front of all the other kids spitting under a raspberry but it wasn't a raspberry he was spitting oh my in their faces oh my god pushing them out the way but everyone else there was absolutely lovely just this one little boy and did you did you want to get involved did you want to do anything yeah i was telling him off were you yeah yeah he's spitting in my kid's face yeah i just sort of feel like i'd say that he's crossed a line basically he was pushing in and stuff and i'm

pushing my daughters and i was like no no no and i was i basically then stood by this game and made sure that everyone because he wasn't just doing it to my kids he was doing it to a lot of kids so i was making sure that everyone was queuing properly to go on this game yeah if your kids know my kids have been naughty before or i've been a bit misbehaved so just if you just watch your kids and then you go and tell them off and say don't do that and get them to apologize that's how everyone learns i'm not saying my kids are always perfect but i just get i'll get really angry and um it's just a bit frustrating isn't it when someone's like not not watching their kid at all yeah what i do is loudly go no no no no you mustn't spit in someone's face and push them no that's not kind is it spitting in someone's face and pulling their hair no that's that's not

a very nice thing to do is to not share and jump the queue and push everyone and spit in their face that's not nice is it at the top of my voice oh well you've shown them you've shown them yeah i know but i was like it's not worth i'm not if they're in their school or in a club or something i'd probably say something but i'm like yeah i'll probably you know probably never see him ever again but it's difficult when you do this podcast loads of people listen now so it's really difficult isn't it i don't care i've got an anecdote about a naughty kid but there's just too many details. I had one of the best experiences of my life this week, Rob,

but it's not parenting related. Is that bad? One of the best experiences of your life, but it wasn't parenting related. Yeah. Is that bad for the podcast? I'll just say, congratulations to Plymouth Argyle on promotion from League One. Oh, that's nice.

And I went for a drink in the chairman's lounge after the game, Rob. Did you? Yeah. Is that a euphemism? No, it's not. And I met some of the in the chairman's lounge after the game, Rob. Did you? Yeah. Is that a euphemism? No, it's not. And I met some of the players. Oh, yeah?

And I met one of the players, and he was born in 1993, Rob. It's weird. I shouldn't really be talking to someone who was born in 1993. Well, that's the thing with footballers. If you meet footballers, they're so young. They're so young, Rob. You can't communicate. What did you talk to him about

big breakfast see you on Friday it's like late night Lysa but for our generation come on madam come on mate no I no I just said

how much I loved him and I had his shirt they'd given giving me one of his match worn shirts and he's a 20 year old someone else had given me one of his match worn and I was like I was like this is weird now because I'm I'm now a 40 year old man going up to a 20 year old man and saying could you sign my shirt that you used to wear i like this shirt because you once wore it against your body that's weird it's so weird if it feels women's football you'd be arrested for that going to a 20 year old female athlete and going oh it's been on her body i want it i mean like and i mean that's still not okay for a boy like he's a boy he's 20 years old isn't it

yeah exactly there's no other thing in the world where you go i'm a really big fan of you can i have your clothes no exactly it's weird it is weird going up justin bieber big fan can i have your trousers it's because you wore them when you sang yeah it's very odd but oh that's exciting though are you gonna go to a lot of games next year do you know what it doesn't make me any more excited to go to the games because I go for Plymouth rather than the away games. Although I really hope Everton go down so we can play them because that would be exciting. That would be a big game for Everton.

Yeah, that would be exciting. And Leeds. There's lots of big teams that we're now playing. But yeah, it's great. They're a lovely bunch of lads. Good luck to them all. Hope they have a great summer. Are you going to go Ibiza with them,

with all the 20 year olds Ocean Beach too bloody right I've got a couple other things to run through bad parenting wise I've introduced my kids to the song

Willy Bum Bum Song have you heard this song no of course not Rob because I'm 40 I'll play a little bit of it but it's a bit of fun but it's actually quite rude and it's

I'll play 30 seconds of it they memorised everything oh hang on It is Rob Why have you played this to your children Why do you know this to your children? Why do you know this song?

What's going on? Rob has shown me it. It's funny. Willy bum bum, willy bum. It's silly. But there's like, put a little willy, stick it in my bum. I didn't know it said that line. Yeah, Rob, that's the first line.

I know, so. Stick it in my bum. Rob, you. I know. Rob, I don't want to be too, you've played your five and seven year old daughter a song about anal sex. Yeah. When you put it like that,

it doesn't look great. But yeah, so, but no, but then like we've said, we can't sing it anymore. You're not allowed to listen to it anymore, but I didn't realize I just sort of,

I didn't really think. and I just know it all now it's really bad and then Lou Playdom Baby Got Back I like Big Butt and he goes one of the nine left side singers

I'm long and I'm strong and I'm trying to give a freak shit it's really bad actually I'm laughing but it is quite bad yeah

you know it's a bit of fun isn't it there's an episode of Friends isn't there where he an episode of uh friends isn't there where he sings i like big butts and i cannot lie to his uh baby daughter and it makes her laugh yeah yeah yeah exactly so that yeah but the willy bum bum song's a bit too much really but yeah yeah never mind um well oh my daughter wants to grow her hair so we had the hairdresser come

around yeah and uh she asked the hairdresser for longer hair i want how do you want it when i want it longer and then she's unbelievable ruby who's cuts the hair without missing a beat was like uh yes we can do that but i'll tell you what i'll give it a little trim to make it stronger and then i'll curl it and it will look much longer oh that's good yeah so um and it did look longer and bigger to be fair so she was buzzing but yeah she asked for longer hair which made us laugh my friend when he was

when we were teenagers we used to go to a barber's called Brimson's which is still there in Newton Abbott and I mean I don't know

whether they've still got it it's not very it's not very 2023 but it's very exciting Rob for a teenage boy because they used to have topless

calendars of women on the wall Rob yeah still or back in the day? I don't know but that wasn't the reason we went but it was quite a kind of macho atmosphere anyway my friend who was about 14 turned up with a picture of James Hetfield the lead singer of Metallica

and said could I have my hair like James Hetfield from Metallica? And they said, no, because he's going bald. And James Hetfield's got like a receding hairline. And my friend was like, that's the style I want. I want the receding hairline like James Hetfield from Metallica. So, you know, what are the weirdest requests you've given your hairdresser longer hair i want to be bald let us know or just just just do the sides is what a lot of bald men say just do the sides

just do the sides the classic harry hill joke did you find it took longer to wash your face rob i think that more or less is enough of us blathering on in support of ourselves. Yes. And we should move on to small businesses. Is that fair? Yes. Let's do that. Go on.

Do you want to go first? You got one? Yeah. Do you know what, Rob? Rather than choose, say stop and I'll just choose that one. Stop. Hi, Rob and Josh. I don't know what this is, by the way.

So we'll see what happens. I love listening to your podcast and your live show at the O2 was great. I was hoping you could do a small business shout out for my dad. He runs a removal company that has been passed down through generations. However, we're a very small business that relies on word of mouth mainly. With the housing market being so up and down at the moment,

work can be unpredictable. He works so hard and has done his whole life. We've got a good one here, haven't we? I've been helping out with his social media recently thought i would email you guys did you hear my stomach no that was my stomach like it didn't come you know when your stomach grumbles i've not eaten yet today um if that's interesting i probably could have worked that out myself. My tummy's rumbling. Why? I just had a massive buffet.

I've been helping out with social media recently. Thought I'd email you guys for a small business shout out. Bracknell is the place. So you're talking Reading. You're talking Didcot. You're talking Maidenhead. Or Ascot. Ascot.

We are called Green Removals based in Bracknell. Instagram is at Greens... Oh, sorry. Greens Removals. Greens as in more than one green. And the website is greensremovals.co. And she's put in brackets, yes, it is.co. There is no missing com or co.uk. Oh, fair enough.

Fair enough. Greens Removals. Thank you. Keep being sexy and relatable. Alina. Alina. Now being sex-inrelatable. Alina. Alina. Now, I've got one here. Here we go.

Hi, Josh and Rob. Firstly, can I say I loved the recent episode where Josh discussed an update on his mental health issues. Very relatable to myself. We went through similar things to Josh and took the plunge about 18 months ago to help and take medication. During this time of getting my life

back together i've decided to start a new business called collectible junkie selling panini you need to you need to bring that dose slightly down if you're if you're buzzing that much mate yeah if you're taking your sertraline off a heated spoon it's too much keep it on tablet form, guys, as directed by your doctor. Now, is it okay to laugh about it? I don't know. You started it. It's fine. I started it.

During this time of getting my life back together, I decided to start a new business called Collectible Junkie, selling, or we'll like this, Josh, panini and top stickers and trading cards so people can complete their collections stock is i actually need this is actually i actually need this guy stock is updated daily and eventually as the business grows i hope to have a good selection ranging from current collections to collections from the last 30 years i know josh loves the 90s football sticker albums this one's for him i do too mate he's definitely got his favorite, hasn't he? Old Mark Clements here. Absolutely loves Josh Whittaker.

Please head over to www. Yeah, we're in the old antidepressants gang, mate. We bloody love each other. Collectible-junkie.co.uk. Instagram, collectible underscore junkie. Twitter, collectible junkie. All the best and keep up the fantastic podcast. Mark Clements.

There you go. Small business. Great work. See you friday see you friday mate i look forward to it all right mate see you then but bloody hell mate that was weird you went aussie for no reason yeah see you friday bye