Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP38: Omid Djalili

Episode Date: May 19, 2023

Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant comedian and actor - Omid Djalili Omid's podcast 'Please Tell Me A Story' is available now here Parenting Hell is available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with james can you say rob i get well thank you can you say j Beckett? Well, I'll take it. And can you say Josh Whittacombe? Josh Whittacombe. Good point. There we go. Is that North America? That is the Dublin. Oh, I'm going to give up this game.

Don't think my ears work. Sending an intro from my son James, who's two. James is a proud big brother to Tom, and your show has gotten me through many night feeds with both babies as well as a lot of long walks with James

when he would only nap in a moving buggy oh those poor parents oh I used to did you ever go out and drive have you ever driven

a baby around to get to sleep I've done that a few times oh my god because it gets to a point where like no one sleeps in the house I just said to Lou

go asleep I will happily just drive for an hour with a podcast on just drive around the streets of london what's your route in that situation well what's difficult is that i why i would do is go down to the m25 and do a couple of junctions because london don't fall over the bridge no but i'd um on the slope because where i live there's like slower roads and loads of traffic lights and then that speed bumps but if you go the other way towards m25 you can get like longer faster roads and you can cruise at around 60 yeah on the motorway and

then in the slow lane and then the baby will go asleep yeah and then i'd come back and then park on the drive but then you can as soon as I turn the engine off. Yeah. What are we talking about? I've got a driving problem, Rob. Oh, have you? Yeah. So we're going to the southwest this weekend. We're going to Cornwall this weekend.

Ooh. Yeah, because you've got a bit of time off at the moment, haven't you? Well. Ish. Ish. To give you an idea, two weeks in, Friday last week, I've got about six weeks off. Obviously, I'm doing stuff like this and doing various things yeah friday of week two was the first day i had to do anything so when you say you've got six basically when we say we've got six weeks off we're still

doing podcasts and stuff but no big filming or. And then there's been two bank holidays. Childcare fell through a couple of days. Various things have happened leading to Friday. Yeah, I don't think we should call time off when we're not filming a television show or doing an arena tour. Because there's still work to be done, isn't there? There's still work to be done. There's still work to be done.

I've got meetings tomorrow, et cetera. Right, anyway. Sorry. So we're going down to Cornwall. And then Blur have got their four Walmart updates in small venues. Oh, brilliant. Where are they doing them? Yeah.

Colchester, which I can't go to because I'm in Cornwall. And then they're doing Eastbourne on Sunday. Oh, lovely. You're working, right? Yep. Radio too. Every day. I'm working every day in May.

Yeah, yeah. Every day. So we've got I was like well we're coming back from Cornwall that day Maybe we could just go to Eastbourne And then we've got two spare tickets Get people Who can drive

So does Rose want to go? So you're going to drive back from Cornwall on Sunday No we're getting the train back We get the train down to Cornwall So you get the train from Cornwall back to London Cornwall to Eastbourne direct Do you get a train from Cornwall back to London. How long's that take? Cornwall to Eastbourne. Direct.

Do you want to know how long it takes? No, no, no. It's not direct. But I mean, we're not going through London. Right, okay. Cornwall to Reading, to Gatwick, to Eastbourne. What? Eight hours ten.

Just drive. It's six and a half hours to drive from. Are you going with the kids? No. Oh, you're not? Sorry, you're going away? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This has been a terrible story.

It's been the worst. You've not been clear enough. I'm not listening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep calm. Anyway, long story short, I've got to get a train that's over eight hours long. Right, so what you're doing is,

someone's got on Sunday night, so you're getting the train for eight hours to Eastbourne. Oh, that'll be fun. Do it. Do you think? And then I've got to find two people that can drive to help to get us home. Oh, because you're never going to get a train back.

No. What a life. So you basically, so you've got four tickets to Eastbourne and you need someone that will drive you back to East London. Yeah. I reckon I could find someone for you. No, I don't want a stranger. Well, I'll know them.

No, I don't want someone you know. My brother Joe know him. No, I don't want someone you know. My brother Joe would do it. He's just had a kid. True. Yeah, so he's going to be livid now that there's another thing he can't go to. Yeah, exactly. Tell him I would have taken him. Yeah, fair enough.

Yes, you need to find some friends that can meet you in Eastbourne that are going to drive back. Yeah, yeah. I think you'll find that. That's a great gig if you've got two spare tickets. Eight hours on a train, it feels a lot lot who's your favorite one in the band let's not go into it rob let's not go into it am i going for dinner with the drummer beforehand let's not go into it anyway right is he in the band yes it's the original lineup rob they're back together

are you damon there what your pizza date damon no he's doing his vocal warm-ups yeah of course i would love alex james to be on this show because he's got five vocal warm ups yeah of course I would love Alex James to be on this show because he's got five kids and one's called Geronimo good cheese maker good cheese maker he's living his best life

he is living his best life I'd advise reading his book if you want to he spent a thousand a million pounds on cocaine and champagne in his in his day

who keeps receipts for that trying to slip that yeah and have a bag of coke it's not cool it's not cool in his day. Who keeps receipts for that? He's trying to slip that in another bag of coke. I'm saying that's cool. It's not cool. It's not cool. He, for a period, That's not cool.

Two bottles of champagne a day. Oh, bloody hell. But his acid reflux was a nightmare. No, he'd just eat carrots because that was good for his, that would de-acidify it. Well, basically, I once went to,

when I worked for an events company, went to an event at the St Pancras, and we went to the champagne bar, and we got free champagne, and they didn't feed us. All they gave us was these bright green, sort of posh olives that I imagine you have from your deli.

And I drank, I reckon, three bottles of champagne and ate about five bowls of olives, came home, and I was sick. And it was the frothiest, greenest thing I've ever seen. Oh, my God. It was mental. It looked like I'd sucked off the Incredible Hulk. And the price of that sick.

The price of that sick. The money literally down the drain. And also, that was when I had a little Sony version of an iPod, a tiny little one, that I dropped into the toilet and was sick on top of oh no it's awful that's an awful time don't drink kids drinks not good have i i'm sure i've told you this have i ever told you about when i um i was drunk uh 19 vodka red bulls that would be bad if it was just red bull and it yeah it wasn't even red bull it was that because i was a student it was that fake one. Yeah, it wasn't even Red Bull. It was that...

Because I was a student, it was that fake one called, like, Red Dragon or whatever it'd be called. You know, it was because it was a quid of vodka Red Bull at Fifth Avenue in Manchester. Right, OK. And then I walked home pissed from the bus stop at 3am. Went down the alleyway to have a piss.

And there was, like... I remember there was, like, an empty beer bottle, transparent bottle. So I ended up... I just aimed and pissed in the bottle, as you would, because you're a bit of fun. You were laughing. I was laughing when I'm on my own. You don't stop when the camera's stopped.

No, exactly. I walked past it the next morning on the way to university and it was glowing. Like, the colour of it. It was still there full of piss. It was still there and it was glowing like the color of it it was still there full of bits it was still there and it was like a luminous yellow like i've never seen a color before 19 is pretty good going josh i was back in the day rob when i didn't used to get hangovers i used to be able to do what i wanted here i am now

oh i remember i used to work at 6 30 a.m at a supermarket when i was down in canterbury studying and because it was a student town you the amount of like just like you could see all the sick on the floor where people just been sick walking home this is god this is a horrible intro what we doing ladies and gentlemen please welcome omid jalili we doing? Omid Jalili, ladies and gentlemen. Please welcome Omid Jalili. We do apologise, Omid, if you have listened to this intro, that it wasn't ideal, but you did a great job as a guest. So everyone enjoy this, rather than what's just happened. Right, here's Omid Jalili.

Welcome to the podcast, Omid Jalili. Very excited. Omid, children, talk to me. How many have you got? How old are they? I have three children and they are all in their 20s. All grown up. Yeah, they're older now.

Does that feel like you're... Is out the woods the right word to use? Do you feel like each day you're still a parent? You know, is it playing on your mind as much as it did? He's out the woods. He's started a logging company. It's deforestation that's going on there. That's a very good question. You know, most comics playing on your mind as much as it does? He's out of the woods. He's started a logging company. It's deforestation that's going on there. That's a very good question.

You know, most comics, when you have children, and I became like a paid comic when my daughter, my first child's daughter, when she was about two and a half, around 1997, 98, and then I had two more kids. So I had three kids by 2000. So I was doing jonglers. I was doing all those gigs and comics usually talk about their children like as you grow with that comic they talk about my children

now three four then you realize comics do it because their children are a tax deductible commodity we're happy to do that because it saves us some money because it's part of our you know part of our job and our material. But it is very difficult. I think we should talk about that because how old are your kids now? Your kids are five and seven. OK, so five and seven. Rob and Josh, two and five. OK, all right. So look, this is when I was starting out. It's very, very difficult. And I had so many experiences of coming home late, waking up early. Yeah, actually, that's not good for you.

I mean, I remember there was a journey. I came back from Liverpool and I had to be home, had to drive home from Liverpool because there was something I had to do at the school and I had to pick up my kids. You know, there's always some driving back. And you know that bit of the M6? There are no lights. And around Wolverhampton, there are lots of lights on the M6.

And I was so tired I was hallucinating I when I felt the reflections from the lights it looked like there were pterodactyls flying at me so as I'm driving along I'm slapping myself to keep myself awake and kind of going slap and then I saw this pterodactyl and I ducked. I ducked a few times. I just started ducking. And then this blue light came on and the police took me to one side. They said, sir, do you know how fast you were going? I said, look, I'm a comic. I'm trying to get home.

I'm tired. Was I going 90, 100? He goes, no, you were doing 10 miles an hour in the middle lane. Oh, no. Oh, my God. And he goes, we were next to you driving for about 30 seconds. And I could see it was only when you ducked. It must be.

I suddenly ducked. I said, did you see the pterodactyls as well? And they said, breathalyze them. So they breathalyze me. And then they said, you're just tired. And actually, to give the police credit, they said, follow us. We're going to take you to a service station. We want you to sleep.

Yeah. Just sleep. And then I slept. And unfortunately, I slept till six. And I i missed the thing and everyone was upset with me but actually you realize to be a dad to have a family and if you're going to have a family you want to be a good dad you want to raise your kids well it is really taxing on the body so i remember i actually developed this problem called sleep apnea sleep apnea where i have to sleep with a sleep machine and you have a mask on and of course the kids would think it

was funny so my young son age five would come in as i'm waking up and he'd lift the mask off my face and of course the machine goes into overdrive you go and it goes like that and he goes let's go he goes hits my face and i look back and i just think the leg of a child running away you know and i think that you never got any sleep that was the one thing and that's i started getting acid reflux because i was sleeping and then i remember once coming home then i got home two three in the morning and i ordered a pizza and i watched television with the pizza and my daughter came down age seven woke me up at 6 30 and said you're a disgrace because I was full of sleep in my clothes and I think BBC 2 was raging there was something I was watching and I had like pizza all over my beard I remember she just learned

the word she goes you're a disgrace and I said how do you learn the word disgrace who taught you did your mum teach you that who taught you the word? So one thing people don't get is actually it is physically taxing. But I'm very proud that actually if you put the time in, my kids are in their 20s and they're all actually doing quite well. I like all three of them now. So actually it is a balance. Life is always a balance about your quality of life, your career, your family life.

And if one of them drops drops all three of them drop yeah so I'm very proud and happy that I did spend a bit of time with my kids because I actually like them I actually like my kids that's the weird thing in their 20s you're both adults right it's quite a good way of putting I like them is because obviously you then have a relationship with them where they're on a kind of level with you you're not like oh they're a five-year-old or oh they're going through the teenage years or oh they're you know dealing with this it's like these people are grown-ups yes would i be friends with these people and they're gonna overtake us yeah and be in charge of us they're much better they're already way way ahead of us and i have to tell you

that on the one hand i have a daughter and two boys and the two boys are now as they were growing up i'm showing them pictures of myself when i was their age and they look exactly like me i mean On the one hand, I have a daughter and two boys. And the two boys now, as they were growing up, I'm showing them pictures of myself when I was their age. And they look exactly like me. I mean, I used to have hair and I used to be thinner. And so they look at me and they're thinking, wow, if we looked like this guy when he was like 19, 20, I said, yeah, this is what you're going to look like.

And they are so horrified. So when they used to come home and I'd be sat in my pants watching telly with my legs up. And they'd come in and go, what are you doing? I said, I'm being you in 30 years' time. This is you. And they are so horrified that they are going to look like me. And so we have that relationship. But another thing I will say, as they're all adults now, and I listen to them because they have opinions on

stand-up comedy they have opinions on like once we're in the car we just come back from driving back from the Auburn arena this and Auburn's they've come the whole family come to see me and nobody said a word it was a great show and we're standing ovation I said there's no one going to say anything we'd like got we got to do the outskirts of London I said we've been driving for half an hour no one said a, are you going to say something? And I think my middle son, who was about 16 at the time, he said, um... Mind out for that pterodactyl.

I ducked a few times. Anyone going to say anything? Why does Dad keep ducking? Sorry, sorry. I don't know, but by the end of one second... Speed up, you're going 10 miles an hour on the M25. But they said to me, they said you know you do a few bits that we don't particularly like and it's a bit filthy and it's a bit and i said is that a

problem and they said well and it's very interesting because put it this way if you go to a michelin star restaurant which they had been with me a few times that's one thing i wish i hadn't spoiled them this if you go to a michelin star restaurant they bring you a wonderful meal but there's a little bit of shit on the side of the plate would you eat that food i went no i'll take it back and clean it off or give me a new plate because well that's how we feel about your stand-up it's a lovely meal they're little bits of shit it just ruined the whole thing and i went oh my god that would destroy me it did destroy me it destroyed me because it actually made me realize that in comedy this is why we can do gigs and we're having a wonderful time and there's comics everyone's laughing but we always hone in on the one person not enjoying it or have you had a show

where you're loving your show then you do one joke and a couple of people get up and leave i've never had that on it i've never had that how dare you you've never had that okay well you're not a proper comic oh no i'm getting flashbacks of edinburgh that was horrible yeah so you realize actually comedy in general what you learn we can't please all the people all the time and people have a right to be offended but the fact that even my own children were saying you could be so good but you're not and we won't bring our friends to see you and we're not really proud of you and you just look like oh no how old were they at this point they're in their mid-teens they're old enough oh that's never ask a teenager for a feedback but you know what i brought it up with them now

and they stand by their comments it's interesting so was it the in general your stuff or was it more that like and i wanted to speak about this as well as you get older you know everyone's views and stuff get a bit dated because that's just what like you know you don't experience new things with a younger generation are way more woke and across social change yes would it be things like that where you might use a turner phrase that is fine but actually a little bit that's not what you use anymore or was it just the material and the performance in general because yeah i think that's what your kids can help you with and they do yeah actually that's a very good point. As they got older, they were very aware of not just woke culture, but even things that you've missed somehow.

So in that sense, they were right. So I dropped the joke. And they often come and watch, and they give a tip like that, which I think is very, very helpful. But in general, it's interesting because they say, look, the dad we see at home is so funny, but the dad we see at home is so funny but the dad we see on stage is very different it's like you're trying to please people and you're trying to be a middle

eastern bloke in white society yeah there's a part of us we're not comfortable with that so we wish you could be more like the way you were at home i think that's the thing that's what pleased me they thought i was much funnier off stage than on and I said well it is an act that's the whole point yeah doing stand-up is an act it's what you choose to put out but they said we're just not comfortable with it so we hope dad but they're 14 a child goes we hope dad you find your inner authenticity and that can be shown that's the kind of thing they say but at the same time you see that I was very lucky that i got to work with someone of the caliber of whoopi goldberg who then one day just turned around to me and just said you know you

must never stop doing stand-up i said why because you're the first person from your background doing it you're like the richard pryor of brown people and i said i said what are you talking about because yeah but you're also 30 years behind where the black community is we had Richard Pryor we had Eddie Murphy we had a bunch of people who I suppose were trailblazers and started something off in a sense you're the same so actually you should take comedy very seriously because it's very responsible so actually also watch your material because people are watching it very carefully and then when I told my kids that they went yes yes that's the thing that's what you don't get I don't think you get how important you are for your region of people because there have been very few people and

I'll tell you a funny story and we can mention his name because he doesn't mind me mentioning him do you know anyone know Smashy from South End do you know Smashy he used to run these comedy clubs no Smashy in the 90s used to run Churchill's in South End. Do you know Smashy? He used to run these comedy clubs. Smashy in the 90s used to run Churchill's in South End, and he had a couple of comedy clubs. And he'd seen me in 1996, and he said, he goes, you, my office now, we'll talk to you. And it was proper South End.

He goes, do you know what? The thing is, you're great, you are, but your name, I can't remember that. What you need to do, get yourself a photo shoot, get yourself a turban, pantaloons, and curly-toed shoes. Call yourself Ali Baba, the sultan of comedy. You get a lot of work, son. And I said, well, I'm actually very inspired by a film called My Beautiful Laundrette, which was written by Hanif Qureshi.

And he never changed his name. So I'd like to keep the name so people learn my name because now i'm like nah definitely ali baba and then i met him 10 years later he was walking past the bbc and i was about to shoot the homage lily show he goes hello what are you doing here i said i'm doing a show he goes what's the show i said well it's actually called the army jillini show and it's it's a prime time bbc one show because did you use the picture of yourself as ali baba the sartner Well, it's actually called the Omid Jalili show. And it's a primetime BBC One show. He goes, did you use the picture of yourself as Ali Baba, the sartan of comedy? I said, no, I didn't.

He goes, you would have got here five years earlier, mate. Five years earlier. He's still stuck to that particular narrative. Do you think, though, because of the pressures of having kids, when you broke through and there was an opportunity to talk about the stuff you wanted to talk about rather than sort of just getting you know booked on stuff and making that sort of demographic laugh do you think that like maybe if you didn't have the kids in that pressure to provide you may have been able to take a bit more like chances with what you was

putting out that's a really good question i think the whole aspect of wanting to provide is very powerful for comics because soon you realize you're doing all these terrible pub gigs and someone's sticking a tenner in your hand saying, well, that's the door split. And you think, well, who are those guys making a lot of money? And then you've got Dominic Holland doing brilliant jokes, like they say kids change your life. In my case, they ruined it.

And it gets a big laugh and you think, oh, OK, so... Tell you what, that didn't work out for him as it did did though did it but it turned out his son's actually uh set him up for life set him up completely for life so that joke has come back to bite him in the arse that's so funny it's such a funny thing isn't it if you people don't know his son is from holland who's spider-man it's unbelievable the way that's worked yeah so you start realizing actually having kids is what drives you and you think okay i've got to get funnier i've got to get better so i can start providing so actually i'm very grateful that i had kids early on in my stand-up career because it was always about we're doing this for the love of it we're doing it because we love laughs we're

pretty damaged individuals and we we need the laughter of strangers to validate our very existence in life. But actually the kids did help focus and did help you have more of a plan and make decisions about what's the right show to do and what's the wrong show. I'm just really interested because obviously we're talking about this in a comedy sense, but were your parents, I don't know when they came over, but you're from Iranian background, right? So what was your house like growing up? Was it just for me and the listeners?

Are you first generation? Yes. Yeah, I've got a brother in his mid-60s. They came in 58. And so how did their parenting differ from your parenting? Because that's like the hugely different kind of cultures you've grown up in, presumably. Yeah, it's very difficult to talk about one particular culture because I'm a British Iranian, my parents are Iranians,

so I'm already, you know, a bit of a minority. Then within the Iranian community, I'm not a Muslim, I'm a Baha'i, and the Baha'i faith is very different from the way Muslims are. So I'm actually a minority within a minority. And even within the Baha'i community, my parents have seen it as a bit weird. So I'm actually a minority within a minority within a minority. You're a hipster. I'm a real hipster.

Why were your parents seen as a bit weird? Because we had this guest house and we lived in a block of flats, which was a big six bedroom flat, which then after the Iranian revolution of 1979, a lot of Iranians used to come over to get medical help. And they would come and stay with us because it was more homely and it was cheap. So I was raised in a guest house where there was no differentiation between the work life and the family life. So we were all just together. So the house was filled with Iranian men and women walking around in pajamas.

The radio is on, the telly is on, food, there's a buffet on all the time. It was like a kind of party, but a conference. There's always like 15, 16 people in the house. Wow. And I saw my father using humor. He kept saying, what you've got to do is make them laugh, because if they laugh more, it has a palliative effect, and they feel better, and then they get better, and they leave,

and we get more clients. So he'd'd always like how would you like your eggs are also the word for balls so for bollocks he would say how would you like your bollocks fried scrambled or fondled it was always jokes like that and everyone was laughing so i learned very early on that actually that upbringing was perfect for stand-up comedy because you're always talking to people, you're always hearing stories, and you realize storytelling is the most powerful thing, especially with a punchline or especially with something funny. And even my parents used to make up jokes. I remember my mother, I said, why is that funny?

And she'd teach joke construction. She goes, you see, the way a joke works, Amit, is that you do a setup of something that's relatable to people and then you tell the story at the end there's something surprising they wouldn't expect and i was like 10 11 being trained she was basically training me so when you take over the business you've got to write your own jokes to keep with with the idea of making people feel better so they leave and you get a bigger turnaround of people right so you'd be like take on the company and the job and be the funny guy welcoming all these

people so they keep coming back. Yeah. To be sociable and to be funny. Then I realised, actually my brother didn't want to do that, my sister didn't want to do that, I was damned if I was gonna do it. Yeah. But then I went to, my wife actually took me to the comedy store in 1994. So what did you do before comedy, Ahmed? What was... Well, I was a struggling actor and I was doing, you know, we lived in the former Czechoslovakia as well between 1990 and 95. So I was doing experimental theatre for about five years. It was so crazy. And then we had children.

We came back. My mother got cancer and she died. So we had to come back and look after my dad. So it was about quickly learning this tool of stand-up comedy because you could probably do this. It's probably the only time a partner has suggested. Partners hate their partners being stand-up comedians. It's like such a terrible job for, you feel so insecure.

But I was actually encouraged to do it. And I used all those skills from the home life. And how different was your children's upbringing then from your upbringing? Was it vastly different? Or what did you take from your parents kind of upbringing when you were bringing up your kids oh completely well the first thing i didn't let lots of people stay in the house because i didn't feel and i felt we should have a very private life and they all had a proper education whereas mine was a bit haphazard and i was very much because i was the youngest child in that milieu of people i was left alone to my own devices I I often said to my parents you just let me you're quite strict with

my brother and sister but with me they said oh we just gave up we don't really understand but just I used to come home at six in the morning I used to nick my dad's car when I was 15 and drive around London and and all he'd say is if you're gonna nick the car could you put it back in the same place go and walk around like a twat for half an hour looking for it so they kind of understood yeah that I should be left alone so very laid back with me extremely laid back and I never forget my on her deathbed my mum just had said you're a very easy child and you know we just trusted you all right and we left you to God and I'm so glad that you've got a career now and as long as you're not upset with me I said no it was like wonderful to do what i liked because yeah i probably should

have disciplined you more but i just trusted you and it was all fine so it's a very lax kind of upbringing when in fact the bahá'í community is very strong on upbringing and children and education of children but for some reason i think they're just so beaten down by all these people they didn't bother with me but yeah it was very different so my kids upbringing was very controlled make sure they're always dressed well I mean once I remember my parents who had a note saying we've noticed Omid has been wearing the same clothes for the whole academic year does he have any other clothes because to come in I just like this blue polo neck top and the teacher said you've worn that every day for the first two terms I said I like it so they they sent my parents things does he actually wash does he you know because I don't think I

bothered I didn't brush my teeth or anything so oh really yeah I didn't do anything and then my parents felt so ashamed because we just taken our eye off the ball we're so sorry then I started having to brush my teeth when I was nine and I started wearing different clothes I thought I thought I could wear the same clothes. What are you doing? You're like Steve Jobs. You're ahead of time. I probably was. You know how Steve Jobs wore the same outfit every day.

You were that guy. Yes, exactly. Are you quite strict with your kids now then? Were you strict with them with schooling and stuff like that? If they'd nicked your car and driven it around London? There's no way that would have happened. I was very lucky. There was a bit of good cop, bad cop.

My wife was strong with the kids and and i i was there but you know also as a comic you're away a lot of the time so how much were you away for then because your career was really like hitting off and getting mega and like mega film stuff you just cannot say no to yes they must have been at a young age where that's when you want to spend time with them the most did you find yourself away a lot yes there was one year i was there wasn't there at all i did the sitcom with whoopi goldberg in new york and they stayed in london because they didn't want to take the kids out of school and then i immediately i did three films on the trot it's about a year and four months wow i was pretty much away coming home the odd weekend and what was that like not good at all

i don't think it's good for family life i think the most important thing is that you're there for your kids that you spend time with them how did you stay in touch with them in those days because obviously there's no face time there's no face like how does it work the odd phone call phone call once every few days here's daddy on the phone but it was like daddy on the phone is not that important so it wasn't really like hello everyone good and it disrupts the family dynamic and the schedule. So I just used to come home and try and spend three or four days at home and just so they didn't forget me. So I think I just about got away with it,

but they still seem to like me and still seem to listen to me. But no, it's not good. How did you overcompensate? How was you overcompensating? Would you be like trying to do like mad toy shop trips and days out and then go off again for a few months? Or were you trying a bit too hard? Yeah, just lots of of dancing i play some music and i come and dance in my pants for them and just do stupid they'd be laughing their heads off i try to be the entertaining dad yeah

so they wouldn't hate me kind of thing so they did think i was very funny yeah but uh but also i did try and get involved i remember rob bryden he had his kids at the same school so we used to we were both very very busy and we often i talk about it weden he had his kids at the same school so we used to we were both very very busy and we often i talk about it we drop our kids off and go for a walk and a coffee and say we need to spend time more with our kids and they're like sports day we've got to be there at sports day yeah and my kids were so embarrassed because there was the father's race and i was doing joke kind of like groin stretches and things but we were clearly the least fit so as 20 dads ran off i just looked at him i said we can steal this so as he ran he ran ahead of me and i just

block be tackled him and then we just were fighting every time i got up he'd pull me back and he'd get up i'd pull him back and it all became about us and all the other parents were just saying my kids are so embarrassing you're supposed to be here for us, but you made it all about you. And I said, yeah, but was it funny? It was funny though, wasn't it? It was funny. So you're a good footballer though, aren't you, Ahmed? Yes, I've just retired from playing football.

I've just put out a little video. So I've stopped playing, but I did enjoy it. I think football was also, I will say to anyone who's raising kids, playing Sunday football was the one thing I appreciated where I just switched off from everything. And for nine minutes, I thought of literally nothing but football. And that's very healthy. So if you have any kind of sport thing you do as a parent, I really, really recommend it. Yeah.

So exercise every week and you can switch off and stuff. Did your kids get into football? You're a big Chelsea fan. Did you take them? And is that a bond you've still got because a lot of people say that going to football is a good family connection that you can do as they get older yes especially with my middle child my middle child he played football and he was a big Chelsea fan and we were season ticket holders I go with him when I can my middle child was probably the more talented footballer and then he kept scoring these worldies

in the last minute for his school football team and they got to what's called the S for Cup final which is the English schools final and they won it in the game at Reading and the winning goal was scored with an overhead kick and then my son aged 16 suddenly announced his retirement because I'm announcing my retirement what are you talking about you're a school football you know I've achieved everything I want now and I'm not going to do that I'm going to retire. And he's actually retired. Oh, wow.

He's kicked the ball about three or four times. He's still got it. But he just doesn't want to play. Wow. He was also embarrassed because I got so into his career and I was screaming. Oh, no, Omid. How were you? You were one of those touchline dads.

Yeah, I'm afraid. Oh, Omid. The whole discussion started because of me, something I did with my age. What did you do oh god this was you should never do this is really not good and he was playing in a league and we live in east sheen and my son was playing for barnes yeah next to it and barnes were playing east it's a big local derby and they had this american woman who was the manager very nice woman but she never

really trained them she just said okay we're one halftime. Let's get those oranges around and let's switch it up. Let's bring on substitutes. And they were a good team, but they never got team talk. So they'd always get beat, but they were quite good. And so for the big game, I said to my son, look, do you want me to give a team talk? He goes, I don't think that's not right. She's a woman. It's not right for your dad. I said, well, you give me the sign. You give me a sign. And I'll say, so they're losing 2-0 at halftime. And she goes, okay, everyone, let's file in. Let's get those oranges out. And he just looked at me like that and he went, do it.

I said, excuse me, do you mind if I have a quick word with the lads? Sure, sure, go ahead. Go ahead. I said, right, lads, come in here. I said, you've got to get in hard from the kickoff. Get the ball out to Sam. Sam's quick. You flood the area.

And I said to my son, I said, you've got to let him know you're there. He's getting past you. So let him know you're there. Be strong in the first tackle. So they kicked off. Score immediately. Because I was going, come on, lads. Let's get one more.

Kick off again. Immediately get the ball. Score a second goal. I said, you can't do this. You come on lads let's get one more kick off again immediately get the ball score a second goal I said you can't do this you come on people said could you calm down I said they're gonna win this they're gonna win this and then there was the slide tackle went in and my son takes this boy out and he doesn't get up and I said nice one show me you're there like that the kid doesn't get up and the referee is looking back at me and um this parent says he's broken his leg are you happy now and i said what's going on and my son's crying everyone's crying because he's broken his leg like that so i just walked away so i'm walking away and there's an

ambulance coming on the field and my wife's coming back what's going on i said just turn back and walk just don't say back and i got banned i got banned from coming because apparently i was inciting violence i didn't know they were like so he was on the side saying get in hard no but you didn't know that he'd hurt his leg when you said good tackle it was just over did it yeah just i was showing passion and enthusiasm which is what was missing. And it actually got the players fired up. And they still say it was the best team talk they've ever had. I'm very happy about that. Yeah.

At least your son said it was okay to do the team talk. I thought you were going to say he said no, but you just bowled in and did the team talk. I would have done it anyway. I think, you know, obviously it's terrible that boy hurt his leg and stuff like that. But, you know, I've played football, the comedian's football. I rolled my ankle and got tackled by Andy Zaltzman.

And it was a strong tackle. It wasn't an unfair tackle. And I snapped all my ligaments and was in a cast for like six months. It does happen at football. Yeah. When you're playing with someone as tough and rough and tumble as Andy Zaltzman,

it's difficult, isn't it, Rob? you're playing with someone as tough and rough and tumble as Andy Zaltzman it's difficult isn't it Rob? Let's talk to you about your podcast Please Tell Me A Story which is a great concept I wasn't aware of this yes this is a great concept I mean so well it's better if you explain the concept than me because it's your podcast it would be very rude to get you on interview you and not let you talk about your podcast tell us how this works well the way it works it's it's about the evolution of storytelling so someone tells a story which you tell to one comic who then then i then if i tell a story to you then i'll leave then you tell the story to rob yeah then you leave then rob would tell the story to iverdambina then rob leaves and at the end after five goes the last person tells a story back to me so if you tell a story

like we all know as comics start off with something good good middle bit interesting and a great ending to a story so you'd think that's why we're comedians yeah i'm sure rob if i told you a joke now you'd listen to it you'd laugh and then you could probably tell that joke back because you would understand what the joke is a lot of people even when you're telling the story they do this they're looking at you then their eyes just look to one side you know they're thinking about dinner that night or something for a moment they've lost concentration yeah i've done enough podcasts with rob we both know the look in each other's eyes exactly i never listen to anything more than when someone's telling me a joke and in fact i'm very lucky

that because i've done that radio show i'm sorry i't a clue, I'm on what used to be called the phone list where Barry Cryer would ring you up and just tell a joke because he believed that joke telling was very important. And he goes, comedy keeps your brain sharp, it keeps your heart young, and we've got to keep telling jokes to each other. And these guys in their 80s are still telling jokes. So I get Barry Cryer ring me up and I'd listen intently and I could tell that joke back straight away to someone.

And I think that's the process they have for comics. So but here when you're working with comics who may be a bit self-obsessed or comics who are worried about their own story. That's all of them. And it is amazing. We could think comics would tell a story back. I told a story when I told about it was unrecognizable and I was so disappointed, but they had added some extra funny things in there. So there was a guy in the first series, Kai Samra. I talked about my uncle Ezat. And then I think the next one down, he goes, his uncle Dave, this Iranian name just became Dave. So it's amazing how information gets lost. So the podcast is about fake news.

It's about embellishments. It's about what is entertaining. Can you make an entertaining story better? Usually not. But the really good stories you find come back to you shaved down. Yeah. But there were some stories which are just very complicated, came back as completely different.

So it is actually a very interesting and fascinating look at the way stories get filtered down and is each episode a different telling of the story or they're all in one no no each series is one person telling a story and then you hear that's good everyone telling that same story and it's absolutely fascinating because people listen to go no no is that the most important bit you know people listen to it, it goes, no, no, this is my most important bit. You know, people shouting. So it's actually teaching people about storytelling, which I think is fascinating.

Please tell me a story. Yes. And we should say this is available on all good podcast outlets, such as Spotify. Do your children listen to the podcast, Omid? No. Actually, my youngest did. He listened to the very first one and he thought it was really funny. Yeah that's good because i'll tell you what it is really because it's very chaotic

and the second series there was a review saying it's brilliantly and gloriously chaotic because we're all shouting at each other because at the end we come back and talk about what happened and that is the most chaotic bit of podcasting we have six comics arguing about who said what oh god have any of your children because obviously you're so passionate about storytelling jokes comedy and this has come from your parents you know arguably they've instilled that in you have any of your children taken this on with them like in their careers well one thing i will say storytelling is a big part of their lives and they always say oh we really miss you reading asterix books to us because i do i do all the

i would do all the voices and but actually they've all gone into like my middle son who loved asterix he's now a film director he's 27 i have my daughter who's 30 now she's a film editor she edits films and my youngest son is a musician and an actor so they've all gone into the business in one sense because their love of it and they're all at the beginning of their careers so yes I think they're doing all right yeah it's exciting that must be so exciting it is exciting because we do have differences of opinions but we also we share the same love and passion for it it's what your parents wanted to do but you've done it in the entertainment world rather than the guesthouse

world and it's not just that i've now realized that on my father's side they were all um traveling poets they were all poets in around the turn of the 19th sorry 20th century between 1899 and 1910 they're a group of poets a bit it'd be like five comics going on the road yeah and just literally pitching up somewhere they put a tent out they give out a couple of leaflets there'll be a performance here of just poetry poetry and comedy and storytelling so that's what they used to do that was my great great great grandfather used to do that so it's in the blood as well wow do you know what your your podcast all comes around to tie up at the end and you've done it for us here omid we always end with the same question last question omid it's basically so what is the one thing that your partner does parenting wires

that does or used to drive you mad and if they listened back they'd go yeah fair enough actually he's got a point and then what is the one thing she does where you go she's so amazing and incredible i'm so lucky to have children with her? You can answer them in whichever order you choose. Well, I take the last question first because it was the eternal patience where you just want to grab a kid and say, are you fucking kidding me? When are you going to do this?

And she was always very loving and like, I understand why you do this, but, you know, we don't really do that. And it was just the eternal patience where I was never patient. Yeah. I just used to, and I don't think it's right. I used to scream and shout and get pissed off and say things because you always feel I'm thick skinned and I'm a comic and I deal with truth and honesty straight away.

But I don't think with little children, you should do that. Amir, that was brilliant. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. The podcast is called Please Tell Me a story and it's available everywhere thank you omid jalili cheers omid thank you guys omid jalili there we go i love him such a good bloke lovely bloke if i do sports day i'm keeping my head down i'm not making a scene, Rob. That was mad.

But I do think that's an older comic generation thing. The mad noughties of just like, yeah, let's go and do that. I just, I don't know. Whereas me and you are like, I'm going to turn up to Sports Day and I don't want anyone to reference that I'm a comedian at any point. I'm just going to keep my head down. Thank you very much. Yeah, exactly. exactly yeah i don't

know if i could do that that'll be remarkable if someone punched me at sports day i'd just leave if someone rugby tackled me if you're listening anyone that's kids go to josh's school smack him and he'll go and now i've got fucking grass stains on my jeans thank you very much all right right see you t, Josh. See you Tuesday, bye. Politics. Sport. Climate change. Culture wars.

I'm Jack Dean. And I'm Sean Walsh. These are just some of the things we won't be talking about in our podcast, Oh My Dog. Not that we couldn't if we wanted to. Of course, of course we could. Obviously, we're both well-known for our scathing satire and social commentary, but we've decided to set that aside to talk about our favourite subject. Dogs.

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