Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S6 EP39: Hashbrowning

Episode Date: May 23, 2023

More misadventures in parenting (and beyond) with Rob and Josh... Available exclusively (for free!) only on Spotify every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whittacombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening Vilma? Yeah? Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett? Mm-hmm. Can you say Josh Whittaker? Josh Whittaker? Very good. I like that guy. There we go.

That was a kind of chilled out one, wasn't it? Yeah, I felt like he might have been quite Latino. He's from Norway, Rob. Fuck. That's better. There we go. That'll do. This is Vilma. He's from Norway, Rob. Fuck. That's better. There we go. That'll do. This is Vilma. She's six years old.

Saying her names as best she can. Be kind as she has just started learning English. The chewing in the background is a two-year-old brother munching around his breakfast. Rob, a thousand bonus points if he manages to locate our accent. Already failed. Oh, that was a bad. I'm tired. Let me off.

We're from Son, Norway. A village 30 minutes from oslo thank you guys for always being relatable and funny you guys have changed my entire outlook on parenting that is seriously worrying oh god what did he do yeah that is bad uh keep up the good work and never ever stop all right a bit intense but okay uh best regards jean andre wow jean andre um i i do you know why i think i got his accent wrong one of my best friends is husband is brazilian and he's i thought excuse ever no let me finish his accent is quite unique and i thought oh that's what brazilians sound like

when they learn english you know second language yeah but I think he's just got a bit of a strange accent. Shall we listen to it again and see if he sounds Brazilian? Well, no, he doesn't. No, no, he doesn't sound Brazilian. But he sounds, well, I'm trying to say, he sounds like my friend's husband, who is Brazilian, but I don't think he sounds like a Brazilian. Anyway, but yeah, thanks for that.

What's his name? John Andre. John Andre. John Andre. 12 hours ago, you were hosting the baftas rob i was correct tell me about the baftas tell me about the baftas that's what we that's what we're here for and i've got an insane story to follow the baftas that is disgusting okay well i i have never been more tired dehydrated and hung over in my life because it's a long old day the baftas because

yeah ceremony is about three hours long yeah you have to do a dress rehearsal of it earlier in the day so I got picked up at 8am um which is not that early but it's a long old day you have to do it no so I got 8am I'm in my comfortable clothes and we go in we run through the the monologue at the top and rewrite it and stuff because it has to go through about a thousand people because it's live, it's on the BBC. Was it live? It's done live and it's a bit on an hour delay. Oh, right.

They edit it as they go because it's a three-hour ceremony. It's only two hours. Yeah, it's only two hours. So they cut out the fucking pointless awards, right? Not my words. I've not been eating properly this week, so I'm fitting my suit. So I've been like off carb

so I'm a bit hazy like a bit woozy and anyway we did it and then we rehearsed the whole show for three hours dress rehearsal

in my suit stood up doing it as we would do it later on then we went straight to the red carpet which is an intense experience anyway

isn't it there's lots of people shouting and we were on there for ages and it was red hot yesterday for the BAFTAs so I'm sweating with this suit on red hot face and then we do all that and we do the links and then we go back and we've got about half an hour before we have to go out and then do the actual ceremony which is three and a half hours and you're doing jokes it's going live on

BBC and in front of you is every single person's ever offered you work or may offer you work ever again hasn't offered you work yes exactly and and they know that you could confirm their decision making yeah with this performance oh my god and then so basically I didn't really drink much because you can't there are there is no time to go for a wee yeah because it's quick and you're on all the time so I didn didn't drink anything really. Then we finished and then I'd been sweating in the sun, sweating in the rehearsal, sweating in the show. And then after the show, obviously, we had a couple of drinks to celebrate. So I had loads of drink and I woke up this morning, the driest man.

And I didn't even drink that much. But you know when you're like, I've had no – I'm so dry. Yeah. Have you had any this morning? Well, do you know what?'re like, I've had no wool, I'm so dry. Yeah. Have you had any this morning? Well, do you know what? We did the school run. Then me and Lou did treat ourselves to a little Maccy D's drive-thru. And do you know what?

I thought you were going to say you had sex. I treated Lou to a little sausage egg McMuffin. I gave Lou the hash brown. She got the hash brown she got the hash brown no no so what does that mean that isn't what I think you mean

is it the hash brown implies anal sex yeah it does that's not what I meant right okay we did not we did not partake

in hash brown next to a bin at Bromley drive-thru McDonald's okay well I'm still the fact you've added the bin and drive-thru McDonald's. Okay. Well, I'm still not...

The fact you've added the bin and drive-thru McDonald's does mean that I'm slightly worried that you did just, you know, outside the school or something. No, no, no. We weren't... No, because I've got a phone... No, because we pulled up in the car park and we didn't realise... Because it's...

When you get a takeaway drive-thru and you're going to eat it in the car park, right? Because you're normally hungover and you're ashamed of what you look like and your clothes. It's very difficult who you're pulling next to because there's other people doing that. What's worse than going into a restaurant is pulling alongside a van or a car and you look to your right and there's another couple hash browning.

You don't want to be seeing that, do you? That's fingers. So I pulled in and I was next to a bin. You know know like when so yeah it sounds quite funny but yeah so we had a little uh oh my yeah joe what mcdonald's they get a bad rep but they are always there for you aren't they well they are open yeah they are i don't think that's part of the issue people have got with them in their opening time. So yeah,

I'm, I'm very dehydrated. I need to get another, I'm going to get another pint of water in a minute, but yeah, no, it was, um,

it was good, good night, but I was just so relieved. So it was very stressful gig to do. Yeah. I bet. Um, I'm very proud of Lou as well.

And I say, cause she, you know, it's when Lou gets quite anxious about like going out and people taking photos and, you know, having to get dressed up. She about like going out and people taking photos and, you know, having to get dressed up. She's not sort of super confident in that.

And she's very worried about like not letting that sort of go onto the girls because I'll say, no, I don't. I look like, and like sort of, yeah, you know,

she talks about herself in a way that if someone else did it, I'd have a fight with them. You know, if someone said that about Lou, what she's saying and she doesn't want that to sort of go on to the girls and and for herself as well so but i was really proud because she came and then she went you know she came to the show and obviously if you're hosting the baftas the pit there's those people gonna be taking photos non-stop and stuff like that she came she looked absolutely beautiful

and uh we had a great night and she was really like yeah like sort of made extra effort in front of the girls to be like no i really like my outfit i'm looking forward to going out and they're going you look so pretty mom rather because you don't realize that you know like subtly if you sort of slagging yourself off you don't want well it's it's it's really yeah it's really interesting those things you don't want to say do you know know what I mean? Yeah. All these, like, we have a thing where, like, and I'm sure, you know, as you're a week off carbs, I try and do, like, even though I, I'll be honest with you, Rob, I'm a fad. I'm a faddy dieter, like the best of them.

Sure. But we try and never discuss, like, dieting in front of the kids. Yeah, exactly. Because you're just like, this is just not a healthy thing to be discussing. They don't need to know that I'm having a protein pancake for breakfast. No, you're just having breakfast. I'm just having breakfast. Sometimes you go like, I'll be like,

if I could just get rid of this bit of fat on my body. This is a disgusting fucking bit of oil. Disgusting. I hate myself. And your kid's like, Dad, what are you saying? Yeah, exactly. All those things that are in-program programmed in you are not from my parents but from magazines

and from television or from ever you know let my children soak that up when they join Instagram but don't put it on me exactly

but anyway Lou did brilliantly she looked amazing so it was it was a good evening for the best could you just run me through the winners Rob

what's that mate could you just run me through the winners, Rob? What's that, mate? Could you just run me through the winners? Because I was doing bedtime. Yeah, there was loads of winners. Loads of them. Every award someone won. It's very hard to keep up with all the winners, I'd say. And it's also very difficult where they were like, we had some jokes.

We had all our jokes and stuff. And then we had like, they were improvising after awards, if anything happened. There's one guy, you should watch it back like when the lionesses i won't rob the like the coverage of the lionesses imagine if i sat down and watched the baptists after this i would recommend for this one so the award for best sports coverage went to the lionesses winning the euros okay yeah and i don't want to start beef with people that do sports coverage however if the lionesses didn't win the euros and they went out in the first round you're not winning i always think the sports coverage runs a bit dodgy it's always the best sports event it's never like the

coverage of the uh rugby league was fucking incredible it's always it's always the olympics or oh look the world cup one yeah the world cup final one wow what great coverage best news coverage is never like just a thursday in october where they did a really good thing about inflation yeah it was actually spot on and they got two great guests you know obviously you know they were very happy they won there's a guy in a pink suit jacket that was going mental like it was like singing along to sweet carol on when they come up he was going oh he's taking photos he didn't speak he wasn't one of the one that spoke and then i went um and then this was us doing it with ad libs bit i went back on and i went to him god you think the guy in the pink jacket enjoyed that? And he got a laugh when he was made so mad.

And he started going, what did you say? I was like, what? What? He started starting on me, and I was like, what? He was like, see you at the after party, mate. And I was like, what? I'm serious. But I don't know if they put that in, but I thought he was going to... Amazing. I think he must have been joking. Do you know what I mean? Imagine me and him having a fight.

He's got a pink jacket on, his BAFTA's on the floor just because I said that he enjoyed it a lot. I'm sure us saying that he only won it because the women won the Euros is really going to help our next Tony Bumfitt to win the street. I'm sure it was great coverage, however. I remember when we watched it, Rob, you said that you thought the links were a bit weak, but you enjoyed the match.

Do you know what? I'm really enjoying it. I love Jill Scott, but sometimes just the VT packages just weren't snuffing enough for me. I like to turn it off in here. I didn't even see us win. Do you know what I did, Rob? I watched it, but I listened to the radio.

Because the coverage wasn't good enough. Yeah, it wasn't good enough. No, it was brilliant coverage. But that's the danger of it, because if you're doing a little bit of fun ad libs, so people get a bit – so it was one for best – one of it was – what was it? It was best miniseries – oh, no, single drama or something like that. And the joke was single drama category for shows where you go,

great idea, but there's not a series in it. You know? Yeah. And then like the guy at one come up was like, we actually did get a series. I was like, mate, I don't know. I'm just trying to get a couple of jokes across the line. Did he say that in camera, in mic?

I think so. I don't know. I think it was only, he should give his fucking BAFTA back in that case. Imagine that. I'll take that. Thank you very much. You're in the next category.

I think you'll find. Series. Do you know what, mate mate it's a much tougher category yeah there's loads of episodes really get your teeth into it you've got to keep that rate up for six more episodes mate do you know what it was fun though because we were trying to make it like light-hearted and not so serious then it's very difficult when because you write your jokes but you don't know what they're going to say in their acceptance speech because you don't know who's going to win so yeah we had a joke coming up. And then Mo Farah was on.

He'd won for his documentary about being trafficked as a child and dedicated Bill Walter. And then I'm like, I don't know what a niche poker is. And you stood there doing that thing with your index finger where you're like, move the auto cue on. We don't need to do it. We don't need the joke. We don't need the joke.

We don't need a joke here. Let's just do the next one straight. Okay. Why are you listening to the speech? We don't need the joke. We don't need a joke here. Let's just do the next one straight. Okay. Why? Are you listening to the speech? So, it was really good fun, but,

yeah, it was a long, my feet hurt, but I really enjoyed it. Great. How's, let's go, I've got a lot of parenting stuff

to talk about as well. So have I, actually. How are we going to get through it? I'll do, I'll tell you what, I'll kick us off. Should we alternate stories?

Yeah. Mine are quite short, but they're good. Well, we'll be the judge of that, Rob. Oh, okay. Of course, I'm working us off. Sorry, alternate stories? Yeah. Mine are quite short, but they're good. Well, we'll be the judge of that, Rob. Oh, okay. Of course, I'm working Romesh again.

I just sort of find men that will bully me for comedy value. Do you ever, do you remember the last day when you weren't working with one of me or Romesh? Do you know what? I feel like I get passed around the comedy industry and I feel like I'm going to end up in a retirement home with Tom Allen because it'll be me and my aunt. That'll be, you and Romesh will drop me and it'll be me and tom maybe an offensive and old wedding apologizing for me drunk um no so my daughter wanted to

sort of vinegar chris right and i went oh get have some and then um she grabbed them they were the baked ones lubox and baked ones because they're like healthier right yeah i don't like these i don't like oh they're just sort of vinegar she went no they're not they're different i went they're sort of vinegar come on just eat them then she went they are different i went no they're not then she showed me i was like yeah okay fair enough they're not that they are different anyway so i got her a packet of salt vinegar and it wasn't the baked ones i checked it starts eating them these are different they right. I went, we're not doing this again. They are salt and vinegar. I've checked them.

She went, no, they're not. I went, show me the packet. She went, show me. But they're no spicy in there. They're no spicy in there. I was like, what are you talking about no spicy? Basically, they use the word spicy for any sort of flavor. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But there's no spicy in there. I went, what are you talking about? No, I tasted it, ready sorted. What? In a salt and vinegar bag. No. Yes. Oh, my God, that is huge.

Walkers, what are you doing, Walkers? How does that happen? Well, I tell you what, if Gary Lineker wants a cause to tweet about, get back on the Walkers game and sort that out. Exactly, mate. Exactly. People in glass houses, Gary. But, yeah, so she had readyalted in a salt and vinegar bag.

And then I looked like a ripe mug because I'd been telling her, going, no, you're lying. And then I tasted one. I reckon that's a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence, Rob. Do you know what I mean? That will never happen to you before or since. And for it to happen when you're having an argument over flavour is so unfortunate.

That is unbelievable. But they smelled of salt and vinegar. That's what was weird. So do you think that's the whole batch? Do you know what? No. Greg Wallace needs to do a kind of inside the factory on walkers, and then we can kind of work out how it's happened.

How can you have the smell but not the flavour? They've not repackaged the bag, though. That smell, Rob, that smell is your, that's your mind. Is it? I reckon it's got to be, hasn't it? Just that, no, because I swear there was a vinegar smell in there no there can't have been your mind is playing tricks on you isn't it weird salt vinegar's a weird flavor in it yeah well they don't have it abroad do they they have really

boring they love paprika abroad yeah fucking mainland europe i don't want to sound like nigel farage here but oh jeanAndre with his mainland Europe paprika crisps. You cannot move fillets paprika. They're everywhere. Best crisp I've ever had, by the way, Finland. Unreal crisp game. They pride themselves on their crisps. And what kind of flavours are they doing?

All sorts, mate, but it ain't the flavour. It's just the crisp itself. It's like that perfect middle ground between Walkers and Kettle. Do you want to know something East London? Do you know what flavour my daughter's favourite crisp is? I think I know this one.

Go on. Is it the truffle one? Yeah, she loves the truffle crisp. Those Torres ones. Those Torres ones. They're about eight quid a bag, mate. They're fucking insane, though. She doesn't know what eight quid a bag mate they're fucking insane though she doesn't know what eight quid a bag is I tell you what

though I don't like truffle right I don't like the smell but I like the crisp it's better

it's not too thin Walker's for me is too thin and the kettle sometimes is too much it's like yeah I don't

like a thick crisp I don't like a thick crisp I like the middle ground but yeah the finland crisp is absolutely exceptional but romesh has him uh he has them on his rider romesh what the truffle ones yeah because i went in because i always say what do you want and i just have like what a water and a coke zero basically yeah i couldn't trust myself do you know this is something um so this is the kind of faddy diet crap that I don't talk about in front of my children.

I'm more than happy to talk about it on the podcast, even though there's going to be people at home going, oh, is that what Josh does to get his great bod? Yeah, of course. Yeah. You sure you don't want to just sign this off on some sort of advertising deal with someone because you don't want to give all your secrets now, do you? Yeah, yeah, of course.

Because everyone says to me, you know Josh? I go, yeah, yeah, he's brilliant. They always go, how does he get his bod? I'm like, he secrets now, dear. Yeah, yeah, of course. Because everyone says to me, you know, Josh, I go, yeah, yeah, he's brilliant. They always go, how does he get his bod? I'm like, he's never told me. The bit I most think is a lie is you reply, yeah, yeah, he's brilliant, isn't he? Yeah, he's all right. Nice play.

He turns up on time. Yeah, the headphone swing's a bit annoying, but we're getting there. It's sort of annoying, you know, it's all added to the show now, so it's all like, calm down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. annoying but we're getting it sort of annoying you know it's all added to the show now so it's so on last leg yeah i sit in my dressing room all afternoon with tom and matthew who write on the show so we like sit around and we kind of go through all the stuff and talk through yeah

uh and um i don't want any snacks in my dressing room. So I'll just graze all day. I'm exactly the same. If it's in there, I'll eat it. But we've had it for series and series. And then I was like, I don't want any snacks in my dressing room. But I didn't think they want, they've basically are now in a snack free zone because I've put a ban on snacks in the dressing room. Right.

But then they can't get snacks from anywhere else. Well, they could, but I'm like. That you've basically taken the decision then they can't get snacks from anywhere else well they could but i'm like that you've basically taken the decision that they aren't allowed to snack i've made i've taken the decision that they aren't allowed some people are huge snackers oh they are big snackers you know what the biggest snackers are normally the thinnest people and i think how dare you if you could eat that and get away with it don't do it near me i hate that um but just a little tip michael michael who produces this and sometimes listen he's a great bod his diet is insane great bod i've never seen a man eat more carbs in my life it's insane what do you want for

lunch i'll have a burger and chips what for lunch garlic bread on the side yeah fucking one o'clock mate bread everywhere still in great shape unbelievable sick anyway yeah sorry go on josh but also on the snack free zone this is an interesting thing for well it's not interesting but it's but it's not funny so that's why i'm saying it's interesting yeah um is uh what i do is if when i stopped like snacking and having sugary stuff i used to get really tired before the last leg and I have to have a nap at 8 PM, but it's because I was spiking my blood sugar all day with Haribo. Right.

And then now you know, I don't spike my blood sugar. I feel great, mate. I'm sure, you know, it's last series that I was just, the quality of the episodes was just going up and up.

I rewatched the series before and last series every episode. It was eight to eight hours. And you know what? I was like, yeah, that's working for him. Who's your favourite guest? Is Adam Mills on it every week? He was good, I thought.

For a guest, he's got his own chair and he's really delivering that on that rob comedians that think you've watched their stuff come fuck off oh i assume no one's i assume no one's ever watched anything read anything listen to anything or anything that i've done right so i did that BAFTAs last night and I was stood there and I was like, I should know this. This is my industry. It felt like I could have been

doing a plumbing award because I don't have the time to watch stuff. And when a comedian says I watched that, you're like, what? No, you didn't. Greg Davies come up to us

when he was giving out his award. He went, well done, lads. Great job. And I actually. He went, well done, lads. Great job. And I actually mean that. Because, you know, if we died on our arse, everyone would still come up and go, well done, mate. Oh, cheers.

So my son's got obsessed with watching me piss. Your son's obsessed with watching you piss? Well, it's quite a sight, to be honest. So he, like, walked into the bathroom when I was having a piss yeah yeah my daughter's used to be obsessed with that yeah and he walks up and he's yeah i remember that it was quite a weird period for me actually when they were obsessed driving through the blackwall tunnel again to watch josh gets dead i text you i need a piss in 10 minutes. Bring him round. Get in the car, girls. He'll stand next to my leg, like holding my leg like a kind of,

like a lamppost. Yeah. And just looking at my dick with it pissing. And then I went for a piss the other day and he came with me because he obviously knew where I was going. Yeah. And he watched it again. And you're like, what's going on here? It is funny watching people piss, isn't it?

But also, he can't believe it's happening, obviously. It must look mental to him. Yeah, but he does it as well, doesn't he? Yeah, but I don't think you'd associate that thing that goes on in the nappy. Yeah. Oh, yeah, because he's still in nappies, isn't he? I forget. Yeah.

Oh, God, you're still doing nappies. Yeah, I am. I'm so happy not to do nappies. That is a real moment. My daughters, they would get, my youngest would get really near the piss to the point where I'm worried I was going to piss on them. Yeah, it's like, you know,

when someone stands too close to the edge of a cliff and you're like, mate, I don't like that. And you're like going, even though they're safe and they're half the world, I can't watch. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You're going to piss on your kid's face, really. Yeah.

As a rule. In, we've got, my daughter, there's a new, they've got a new shower head when we move gold. And my daughter keeps going, daddy, daddy, I've got, I'm going to have a golden shower. I was like, I need to work on the wording. I'm going to have a golden shower? Or was that... We need to work on the wording. We need to have a golden shower.

I didn't know Colonel Gaddafi was designing your new house, Rob. Oh, leave it, our knick-knack HQ. I bet you've got a gold... Of course we've got

a fucking gold shower, Rob. Have you met my wife? Stainless steel or gold? Gold looks fancy. Go for gold. It's not... I should make it clear it's not solid gold it's metal it's yellowing exactly yeah um do you want another bit of news or it's your

turn your turn oh so right you know lime eye you know the school dad who uh does tequila and squeezes lime so they have like barbecue party things right and it is so boozy but they live around the corner from us so it's like a 25 second walk right yeah so normally oh and so they had a big party just i think it was a on one of the sundays before one of the bank holidays that we've had in may um so it went around then the girls were excited because they got like a bouncy castle so it was all the school parents and all the kids right so lou was out for the day so i went around there and then i was like do you want a beer and it was when it was a sunny day so i had a beer i ended up getting absolutely battered because i was just in the sun and like are you

there for hours and the kids playing and they're so busy but he was going around with trader shots it was like because it was student party fucking anyway so we got a bit drunk and then all that then we started playing football and it was the uh it was like the dad the dads versus the kids and um and then i hope you won well it feels a bit unbalanced if anything well no the kids there was some of the kids are like eight or nine and i tell you what nine-year-old kids are well good at football they absolutely love it they live and breathe it they're like yeah fun roy keen in the 90s again they don't get tired never get i've never seen a child get tired blood red panted anyway so I got the ball and I and I pinged it um smacked a little girl straight in the face oh my god and then she was and it didn't

really hurt her that much because I'm like inflatably soft ones but she was embarrassed because everyone saw it and she run off and I felt really bad and then I went in and apologized and then um she painted my nails and so I was like oh because she run off and I felt really bad. And then I went in and apologized and then she painted my nails. And so I was like, Oh, cause she was painting. I went, can you do mine? Sort of like try and make friends and appease. And I've still got that now if I'm Sean, I still can't get it. You know, when it's just like picking at it all the time.

But I, anyway, so that was what happened. I got, I got accidentally really pissed because it was, you know, everyone was doing that anyway. So I came home, put the kids to bed, but I was really woozy. And then the next day, because Lou wasn't there, the kids come in and woke us up and she was like, Daddy, you were drunk yesterday. I was like, oh, God.

She was like, oh, I was drunk. How do you know I was drunk? And she went, because you said yes to everything. Because I remember, they were like, can we have some sweets? I was like, yeah. Can we have a cake? Yeah. Can we get another drink?

Yeah. I just, I basically got so pissed. I just wasn't, I was physically there, but mentally, I wasn't bearing it. It was so bad.

But I just, it happened by accident. And you can't say I'm driving when you live a 20 second walk away. No, of course. Of course. Did you do shots? No, I didn't.

That's my problem. I didn't do shots. So I thought, I'm not getting as drunk as them. But they were fucked. So I couldn't. You know when your level's off, isn't it? Yeah. On the piss thing, Rob.

So I went to a 40th. Didn't drink. Because I'm now done. How many days have I done now? Pretty impressive stuff. Let me just have a look at my app. 42 days. Well done. That's great. Yeah, it's it's good isn't it i'm on 13 hours um so i'm doing 42 days i've done 42 days rose had uh two friends around

for eurovision sure yeah yeah and i went to 40th i got back half 11 and then I noticed it was coming to the end of Eurovision. Yeah. Yeah. And there's a lot of cups. There was a lot of, sorry, glasses. There was a lot of plates. There was a lot,

there was a lot of tidying to do. There was lots of, Rose had made some, you know, what she would describe as kind of picky bits. That's the thing she used. Yeah.

Knick-knack on the walls, knick-knack on the plates. Exactly, mate. I had a kill for some knickknacks mate fucking truffle crisp all over the shop anyway um i i noticed this is coming to an end here and there's a lot of tidying here right so, I'm like, go straight to bed and let her deal with it. Exactly, Rob.

You look like, yes, I thought he was going to say you started tidying up and then you just got off the bed. I was like, I'm so tired, guys.

See you in the morning. Oh, did Rose sort of look like, I'm in bed by 1130. Rose, Rose comes up at quarter past one, Rob. Oh God,

what's she been doing down there? Almost an hour of tidying. Oh, was that? Really? I had to unstack and restack the dishwasher. Well, do you know what? I think because you were out, that wasn't your mess. It wasn't my mess?

No. Your mess to tidy up, Josh. I'd love to say I felt guilty. Didn't? Oh, that's good. Anyway, she had two and a half. She'd only had two and a half glasses of wine. Her friends were drinking far more than she was.

Yeah. Have they got kids far more than she was. Have they got kids to friends? One has, and the other, he hasn't. Anyway, so you went to bed, didn't feel guilty? No, but Rose, yesterday, two and a half glasses of wine. She was fucked all day, mate. I know. Do you know what?

The problem is the dehydration. I didn't actually drink that much, but I've had no liquids in my body. It's mad, isn't it? You can't do anything. It's awful. You can't do anything if you've had any alcohol, basically. And as you get older, the activities you do with your kids, like if you're actually doing it with them. The things I used to do on a hangover is mental.

I existed on a hangover for a decade and was fine. Yeah. And now I can't do anything. I'd do 12 shows hungover. I'd have eight pints and a curry and then get up the next day, drive for three hours and do a two-hour show, and that would be fine. How is having kids harder than that? I know, it's mental.

It's absolutely mental. You're just there going, all I want to do is lie on the sofa and look at my phone. That is all I'm looking for. How much did I used to do that? I used to go out 3 a.m. and then do a full day's work at Waterstones, mate. I didn't even touch the sides. What is a full day's work at Waterstones?

On your feet the whole time and you're not allowed hot drinks. How are you allowed a hot drink? How is that conducive to a hangover? How are you not allowed a hot drink? I don't know. I don't know if they've changed the policy now. Do you work at Waterstones? Are you now allowed hot drinks?

And I was on the floor with a Costa. It's absolutely tantalising. Oh, I thought you was hiding on the floor with a Costa. No, no, no, no. There was a Costa. Children's Leisure Costa. That was my floor. Okay, fair enough.

Right. Can I tell you a horrible story, Rob? Yes, please. So, I don't know if you remember, my parents brought a lot of stuff up because they saw the opportunity. They wanted to get rid of... They're clearing out the barn,

so I had to go through all of my old stuff. You've got a barn? They're from Devon, Rob. Everyone's got a fucking barn in devon is that just like a massive shed then essentially yeah yeah that was built 200 years ago that kind of thing a shed that was built 200 years ago well built so i'm going through the stuff yeah and it's all like exercise books, old books, old records, photographs, stuff like that.

Yeah. Classic. Camera film. A classic. I was like, fucking hell, I haven't seen one of them in years. Oh,

yeah. That plastic. You can see this now. Yeah. Yeah. I can see it. The plastic one, you take it to,

you should take it to Boots, give them it, and then they'll develop it. And you don't know what's on it, because it wasn't a digital camera. You just snapped and hoped. And I was like, oh, man, that's going to be really exciting. There's going to be a camera film that hasn't been developed in 30 years.

Yeah. So I open it up, and I'm like, oh, no, there's not a camera film. There's a piece of paper in there. Oh. What's it say? Instantly recognize my dad's handwriting. Yeah. Can you read that?

Josh's teeth. Oh, Josh. Oh my God. Are they in there? Yeah. There's three teeth in there, Rob. I don't think you need to write teeth under that. Just Josh's would have been fine, wouldn't it? Yeah. So you've got three teeth. Oh my God, that is awful. Can I see them? Yeah. So you've got three teeth. Oh, my God. That is awful.

Can I see them? Yeah. I'll do two of them first, right? And then the third one is something else. So this is two baby teeth that are like molars. Oh, they're big old boys. They're massive. Well, and that's coming from you.

Right. Get ready, Rob. Go on. Michael, start clipping this up for Instagram. Why is it so long? Look at that fucking tooth. That is too big for a chuck. Did this fall out when you were three or four?

That you're not human. You're something else. You're like a Neanderthal. You know, like, what is that? In my life, I've never seen a child's tooth that big. Especially, you're a small bloke. You're not like a massive, it's like Greg Davies as a kid.

No. So, that is, I think, I had one of my adult tooth removed when i was a teenager it has if that's come out of that cannot have come out of a child's mouth and that's me talking yeah i can tell you the exact day that got taken out because i went under general anesthetic to have that taken out is that fully asleep asleep? Yeah. Because it was, it came through, like, behind the other teeth in the,

like, the roof of my mouth. right. Okay, that, well, that makes sense then. If it was an adult tooth,

that cannot be a child's tooth. It's about an inch long. Look at that fucking bastard. It's good you had that taken out. So, what are you going to do with those teeth now? eBay?

No, I don't know. You need to take a photo of them all free together. I've lost the, I've lost know. You need to take a photo of them all free together. Charity auction? I've lost the fucking cup. Oh, God. They are so weird, aren't they? What am I meant to do with

them, Rob? I don't want my daughter to have them, do I? No. No. I'd take a photo for content and then burn them. They're not. That big one's not going to burn, Rob. Oh, God. I've lost one of my molars oh there it is something i've never said no oh my god there it is oh uh this made me laugh

i was speaking to um this bloke he took his son laser tag right right apparently they're doing you know like it's like quasar laser tag whatever you call it what do you used to call it down your way uh quasar or laser quest laser quest yeah laser tag laser quest quasar um and uh apparently they're doing the thing now where because the dads dominate it and just chase all the kids shooting them and they're better they do a thing now where the dads have a shock collar if the dads get a shot gives them a little shock to sort of stop being a bit gung-ho so the kids can play like s&m laser quest it sounds a bit pervy doesn't it yeah would you go with your kids no i'll go with lou

quick hash brown at the back of the shock collar going off if you even suggest hash brown um no i will take them um oh this is a fun game as well josh we should talk about this um right so my brother's got a baby two months old very cute brilliant parents are actually loving it but obviously just doing the classic new parent these were the ones that thought they'd get it under control by six weeks. Yeah, exactly. And you know what? They,

they, they sort of have, but I think they've accepted that it's quite nonstop and tiring, but they haven't got it. You know, they've got it under control to a point, you know, but anyway,

the, well, I think that baby sleeps quite well. One night he said the baby slept from 10 PM till 5 AM, which is amazing. Whoa. Seven hours sleep. But it's so funny how that can be like bragging rights.

Everyone goes, oh my God, you're so lucky. You have to get up at 5 a.m. every day. Yeah, fucking Nora. Anyway, so this is some of the things Joe Google searched, which really made me laugh. Oh, yeah. First one, baby not blinking. Amazing. searched which really made me laugh oh yeah right um the first one baby not blinking amazing and then he wanted to he said it i was like yeah she does just sort of look forward quite a lot

but apparently it's fine it's just you know they don't blink loads whatever right um next one uh baby acne right yeah which i think yeah yeah it like yeah they're always getting fucking rashes yeah next one baby sweaty hands oh my oh wow also everyone starts

with baby by the way baby sweaty hands next one baby cold hands oh my god so the hot and cold the baby's last one

baby sweaty feet same answer as sweaty hands what was the answer I don't know basically you went it's absolutely fine just to get hot they get cold yeah oh dear oh wow that is incredible oh you forget don't you forget what the fucking fear is like oh all the time it's it's absolutely insane isn't it um my boy turns two turned two on thursday rob oh yes um party what did you do that's the problem isn't it rob the second so the balance was all wrong because it's the second

child our first daughter our first child had um we had a proper party that she didn't give a shit about you know this time rob at 10 30 the night, I thought I've got to go to the 24-hour Tesco because we've done so little. We haven't got a cake. We haven't got balloons. We haven't got anything. We've got a few presents. Yeah. We just haven't engaged in this at all.

And the reason I was going, Rob, was mainly because my daughter, whose birthday isn't even, was quite like, she was the one that was upset about it because we weren't doing enough for him. Yeah, because she understands. Yeah, she understands. When you're the first one, it doesn't really matter. They don't know what's going on. But she goes, do you not care about him?

No. So I went to 24-hour test, got closed. No. No. But this is the way, this is the balance is all off, Rob. So we got all that stuff. I then put it up, put some balloons up, blowing up balloons at midnight, all this kind of stuff, yeah?

He comes down, he doesn't give a shit. No. He unwraps a few presents, fine. But also the presents we've got, all wrong. He's got the most expensive two-year-old presents because he doesn't understand the value so it's fine because we needed a second ipad one for him one for my daughter so it's quite an extreme present but it's a way to get no but my but it was like well we've got

to buy this from anyway we might as well wrap it up okay like because they're arguing over the iPad. They're arguing who gets the iPad in a car, et cetera. Yeah. Yeah, so we were like, oh, we've got to buy this anyway. We'll give it to him for his birthday. And then also we went to Halfords to get my daughter a new bike. And he kept having to go on the balance bike. And we were like, we might as well just get him the balance bike as well,

because then he can start learning. So for his second birthday, he got ipad and a bike but we didn't give a shit about any of the birthday or do anything for the birthday but he just but that ipad will come in good they're good presents but they're presents for us do you know what i mean like they're presents to make life easier for us but yeah his presents are going to go massively downhill, but he will have a party when he's three. Hopefully the bike will as well. He hasn't touched the fucking bike. Of course he hasn't touched the fucking bike.

I'm not sure about balance bikes. I think I just sort of think just leave it until they're going to ride a bike. I know. I don't really get what the point is. It just means that you're shuffling around a fucking park, just kind of gyrating on a bike, basically. Like leaning down,

making sure they don't fall over and be crushed by this metal frame it's fucking crap talking about birthdays can i run this party right yeah so um lou's birthday is in june it's june the 18th lou's birthday right and so that weekend i always book off the weekend from work it's always in my diary so i never do any work around lou's birthday um so anyway so i've booked that off and it's also i never i have a howler with events for me because my birthday is second of january which is pointless and then my father's day is always on the same weekend lou's birthday so that doesn't really exist which is fine anyway lou's lou her birthday is going to um amsterdam to see beyonce because she couldn't get tickets for tottenham hotspur stadium anyway so she's booked that weekend away which is fine so she's

going to amsterdam for a few nights seeing beyonce that's her birthday weekend of you know and i've got i've got i've got a present for her i can give her and she was like oh the girls are going to be sort of sad that like i'm not going to be there on my birthday because they love it when it's our birthday it's the kids yeah so you said cancel the trip do you love your do you love beyonce or do you love your children that's the decision she said well we could lie to them and say it's my birthday on like the wednesday classic the classic i was like okay we can and i don't mind that but i have booked off three days of work in advance so i'm obviously working on the wednesday because i've got the weekend off so now we're gonna lie to the kids and go it's mummy's birthday and the kids are

gonna go where's daddy going why is daddy going to work on your birthday so i was like i look like a right prick and i've not actually done anything wrong no if anything you're the one that's there for the birthday exactly but not anymore because birthday's moved isn't it do we are your daughters not old enough to clock the change of date i don't think they really know the date that we'll just sort of they go oh it's mummy's birthday soon when is it i'll say next sunday they're not really bothered about oh okay yeah yeah yeah fine yeah but yeah so that but we've got we're just trying to work a day where i'm we can do the fake what are you doing on a fake birthday well we haven't we haven't done the fake birthday yet but i mean what are you are you filming with Romesh filming with your

other your other friend that you work with my other friend that I work with um like you were way away so the options are the day she wants to it was day before she went and I am I'll tell you exactly what I'm doing I'm gonna be hosting a corporate awards for media. Oh, didn't you do that last night? Yeah, pretty much. What am I main job? Well, you'll be in the day though.

You'll be in the morning. Well, yeah, but there'll be a school. Oh yeah. And then when they come out, cause I work evenings, I'll do the morning and then they'll come back and go like,

right, let's go out for dinner for mommy's birthday. Dad's at work. And I'm like, yes yes because i've took the fucking weekend off for her actual birthday it's not her fucking birthday but we had to lie to you so that it was all fun but now everyone thinks i go to work so you're gonna have to visibly give her her presents on her fake birthday yeah so as we do like balloons and a cake and go out for some dinner but we're just trying to work out what day to do it so maybe maybe we can maybe do it on the Wednesday before or something. Oh, my God, Rob.

I know. This is the kind of lie that snowballs. Before you know it, in three years' time, Lou's having to pretend because your daughters have remembered the date and forevermore Lou's having a fake birthday. Well, exactly. I mean, we could do it when she comes back from... Oh, but anyway anyways let's not just

go through my diary let's not go through your diary let's do a small business shout out hi rob and josh my very talented friend a mother of two boys has set up a small sustainable business called remix clothing she uses pre-loved clothes to create beautiful new kids clothes and she makes tailor-made garments from your old special clothes as a one-off piece just for you or your child they are beautiful her instagram is remix clothing uk or search remix clothing on facebook this shout out will mean so much to her thanks so much for your time sarah 456 months old and two days past my due date i imagine judging by the speed we get through these that baby is now about four years old but um remix clothing uk on instagram or remix clothing

on facebook that sounds very good hi rob and josh i have a small business shout out for you i am part of a barbershop singing quartet oh Our name is Muddy Stilettos. That wasn't me singing, by the way. Muddy Stilettos. We sing acapella in four-part harmony. No idea what that means, but it sounds good. We are available for all kinds of events, weddings, engagements, baby showers, parties, you name it,

and we will happily travel around the UK. We can sing all kinds of genres and can even arrange songs to suit any event if need be our website is we are muddy m-u-d-d-y stilettos.com instagram and facebook we are muddy stilettos keep up the good work thanks hannah the littlest and youngest member of muddy stilettos aka the tenor in brackets the highest part good luck with that muddy stilettos see a.k.a. the tenor, in brackets, the highest part. Good luck with that, Muddy Stilettos. See you Friday. Bye.

Bye.